LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

RIVERSIDE 


|\: 


J 


Mx  r^M 


HANDLEY     CROSS 


BY  THE   AUTHOR   OF 

"MR.    SPONGE'S    SPORTING    TOUR" 


WITH  SEVENTEEN  COLOURED   ILLUSTRATIONS 

AND   ONE   HUNDRED  WOODCUTS 

P.Y   JOHN    LEF.CH 


A    NEW    KDITION 


NEW    YORK 
IJ.    Al'PLIl'IDN    &     COMF-'ANY 
1903 


n03 


NOTE 

'T*HIS  Issue  is  founded  on  the  Edition 
published  by  Bradbury  and  Evans  in  the 
year  1854 


HANDLEY    CROSS; 


OB, 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  HUNT. 


BT 


THE  AUTHOR  OF  "MB.  SPONGE'S  SPORTING  TOUR," 
'=JOEROCKS'S  JAUNTS,"  etc.  etc. 


WITH    ILLUSTRATIONS    BY   JOHN    LEECH. 


LONDON ; 

BRADBURY  AND  EVANS,  11,  BOUVERIE  STREET, 

1854. 


TO 

THE  RIGHT   HONOURABLE   LORD  JOHN   SCOTT, 

ONE    OF    THE     BEST    OF    BRITISH    SPORTSMEN, 

?rf)is  Uolumc  is  EnscrtbcU, 

BY    HIS 
OBLIGED    AND    FAITHFUL    SERVANT, 

THE   AUTHOR. 


PREFACE 

Mr.  Joreocks,  having  for  many  years  maintained 
his  popularity,  it  is  believed  that,  with  the  aid  of  the 
illustrious  Leech,  he  is  now  destined  for  longevity. 

The  Author,  in  the  present  edition,  not  heing  tied  to 
space  or  qviantity,  has  had  a  better  opportunity  of 
developing  his  sporting  hero  than  before. 

The  reader  will  have  the  kindness  to  bear  in  mind, 
that  the  work  merely  professes  to  be  a  tale,  and  does  not 
aspire  to  the  dignity  of  a  novel. 


Lo.VDOH,  Or/ol/er,  lb54. 


CONTENTS 


THE    OLDEN    TIMES    .... 

THE    RIVAL    DOCTORS    AND    M.V. 

THE    RIVAL    ORATORS 

THE    HUNT    BALL         .... 

THE    HUNT    COMMITTEE       ... 

THE    CLIMAX    OK    DISASTER 

MR.    JORROCKS  .... 

CAPTAIN    DOLEFDL's    DIFFICULTIES     . 

THE    CONQUERING    HERO    COMES 

THE    CONQUERING    HERO's    PUBLIC    ENTRY 

THE    ORATIONS  .... 

CAPTAIN    DOLEFUL    AGAIN 

A    FAMILY    DINNER     .... 

ME.    JORROCKS    AND    HIS    SECRETARY 

THE    COCKNEY    WHIPPER-IN 

SIR    ARCHEY    DEPECARDE   . 

THE    PLUCKWELLE    PRESERVES  . 

A    SPORTING    LECTOR 

HUNTSMAN    WANTED 

JAMES    PIGG       ..... 

A    FRIGHTFUL    COLLISION  1     BECKFORD    V. 

THE    CUT-'eM-DOWN    CAPTAINS   . 

THE    CUT-'eM-DOWN    CAPTAIN's    GROOM 

Belinda's  beau      .... 
.mr.  jorrocks  at  earth 
a  quiet  bye  ..... 
another  benighted  sportsman     . 
pigg's  poems  ..... 
cooking  up  a  hunt  dinner  . 
serving  up  a  hunt  dinnkb  . 
the  fancy  ball     .... 

ANOTHER    HI'fiRTING    LECTOR       . 

THE    LECTOR    RESUMED 

MR.    JORROCKS'S    JOURNAL 

THE    "cat    AND    CUSTARD-POT  "    DAY 

JAMES    PIOO    AGAIN  !  I  !        . 

■MK.    JORROCKs's    JOURNAL 

THE    WORLD    TURNED    UPSIDE    DOWN    DAY 


BEN 


1 

14 

22 

32 

4? 

63 

70 

89 

95 

100 

109 

115 

119 

123 

138 

154 

159 

168 

185 

191 

198 

205 

210 

213 

227 

233 

256 

270 

281 

288 

;«):{ 

314 
330 
345 
350 
361 
368 
377 


CONTENTS 


UR.    MAKMADDKK    MULKYGRUBS 

TlIK    TWO    rROFKSSORS 

ANorilKR    CATASTROPHK     . 

THE    GKKAT    MK.    rRKTTYKAT 

M.K.II.     DUliGINSON     . 

riNCll-ME-NKAR    KORKST    . 

A    I'KIEND    IN    NEED 

THE    SHORTEST    DAY 

JAMES    PIGG    AGAIN  I  !! 

MR.    JORROCKS'S    JOURNAL 

THE    CUT-'eM-DOWN    CAPTAIN'S    QUADS 

POMPONIUS    EGO 

THE    POMPONIUS    EOO    DAY 

A    BAD    CHURNING       . 

THE    PIGG    TESTIMONIAL    . 

THE    WANING    SEASON 

PRESENTATION    OF    THE    PIGQ    TESTIMONIAL 

SUPERINTENDENT    CONSTABLES    SHARK    AND    CH 

THE    PROPHET    GABRIEL     . 

ANOTHER    LAST    DAY 

ANOTHER    SPORTING    LECTOR 

THE    STUD    SALE 

THE  PRIVATE  DEAL 

WILLIAM  THE  CONQUEROR;  OR,  THE  A.D.C. 

MR.  JORROCKS'S  DRAFT   . 

DOLEFUL  V.    JORROCKS 

THE  captain's  WINDFALL 

JORROCKS  IN  TROUBLE   . 

THE  COMMISSION  RESUMED 

THE  COURT  RESUMES 

BELINDA  AT  SUIT  DOLEFUL 

BELINDA  AT  BAY 

DOLEFUL  PREPARED  FOR  THE  SIEGE 

MBS.  JORROCKS  FURIOUS 

MB.  BOWKER'S  REFLECTIONS 

MB.  JOBBOCKS  TAKING  HIS  OTIUM  CUM  DIGGI 

DOLEFUL  AT  SUIT  BBANTINGHAME 

THE  GBAND  FIELD  DAY  . 

A  SLOW  COACH 

THE    CAPTAIN    CATCHES    IT 

THE    CAPTAIN    IN    DISTRESS 

WUO-HOOP  1        .  .  ■  • 


IZELER 


NG    A 


TATY 


COLOURED    ILLUSTRATIONS 


Michael  Hardey      ...... 

Mr.    Jorrocks    Starting    for    "The    Cut     Me 

Countries"       .... 
Mr.  Jorrocks  enters  into  Handley  Cross 
Mr.    Jorrocks    (loq.)— "COME    HUP!     I    say. 

HUGLY  BEAST!" 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  Lecture  ou  "  Unting" 
Mr.  Jorrocks  has  a  Bye  Day  . 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  Bath 
The  Handloy  Cross  Fancy  Ball 
The  Kill,  on  the  "  Cat  and  Custard  Pot "  Day 
The  Meet  at  Mr.  Mulcygrubs 
"Mind  the  Bull"  .... 
The  Pomponius  Ego  Day 
Mr.  Jorrocks  Counts  Twenty 
Sir  Thomas  Trout  and  the  Bloomer 
Mr.  Barege  and  the  Draft 
Pigg  in  the  Melon  Frame 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  Return  to  his  Family 


PAGE 

Frontispiece 
Down 

72 
103 


Yon 


106 
165 
242 
255 
312 
367 
417 
444 
470 
531 
576 
587 
633 
696 


ENGRAVINGS    ON     WOOD 


First  Day  of  the  Season 

Old  Michael    . 

Roger  Swizzle 

Dr.  Sebastian  Mello 

Daucan  Nevin'a  Stud 

Waiting  for  the  Fly 

Gaptaiii  Doleful  Places  for  a  Country  Dance 

Doleful  begins  to  feel  uneasy 

The  Master  of  the  Ceremonies  mounted 

The  Committee  of  Management     . 

John  Jorrocks  of  Great  Coram  Street    . 

Miss  Belinda  Jorrocks    .... 

Mr.  Jorrocks  engaged  in  Corresjiondence 

Mrs.  Barnington,  the  "  Malado  Imaginaire 

"  The  Conquering  Hero  Comes"   . 

" 'Ow  are  ye  all  ?  "  .... 

"  Send  my  Sec.  here"    .... 

Mr.  Jorrocks  thinks  he  will  shoot  Doleful 

The  Hounds  and  the  Image  Merchant   . 

Mr.  Jorrocks  calling  Benjamin 

Benjamin  in  the  Saddle-room 

Mr.  Jorrocks  in  Clover  . 

Mr.  Jorrocks'e  Supporters 

A  Horse  with  only  one  fault . 

"  But  I  doesn't  vont  a  cow  t  " 

James  Figg     .... 

Mr.  Jorrocks  and  his  Whippor-in 

The  Cut-'om-down  Captains  . 

Mr.  Jorrocks  Pumping  the  Captain's  Groom 

Belinda's  Beau 

Snug  and  Comfoy  . 

"The  Biggest  Fox  whatever  was  seen" 

Mr.  Jorrocks  at  Ongar  Castle 

Mr.  Jrjrrocks  takes  i)i)Hso8sion  of  a  room 

Charloy  and  the  Maid     . 

The  Mercurial  Old  Gentleman 

A  Bye  on  the  Sly    . 

Mr.  Jorrocks  in  C'onsultation  with  the  Cook 

The  Convivial  Mo(!ting  .  .  .  .         . 

Captain  Doleful  attiring  for  the  Masquerade 


PAGE 

9 
13 
16 

18 

33 

40 

43 

54 

56 

65 

70 

75 

83 

92 

96 

111 

124. 

126 

130 

134 

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157 

165 

170 

180 

191 

203 

205 

210 

213 

226 

238 

246 

219 

259 

269 

277 

290 

301 

311 


XIV 


ENGRAVINGS  ON   WOOD 


"Ah!  it's  Talli-ho  Back!"    . 

Top  Sawyers  ...... 

Mr.  Jorrocks'a  Lecture  .... 

"  Hold  liard  ?     Easier  said  than  done" 
Playing  at  Catch-stinnp 
James  Piprg  again  III. 
Reconciliation  of  Mr.  Jorrocka  and  Pigg 
Pigg  flow  a  double  flight  of  oak  rails     . 
A  Werry  Windy  Day       .... 

"  Dinner  is  Sarved  "        .... 

Mr.    Jorrocks   gets   a    little    "My-dcarer" 

sleeve       ...... 

The  Juvenile  Muleygrubs 

"  Pa— a— r  Shoots  the  Fox  !  " 

Mr.  Bngginson's  Bid       .... 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jorrocks   .... 

Mr.  Jorrocks  has  another  Bye-day 

A  Friend  in  Need  ..... 

Mind  his  Heels        ..... 

Handley  Cross  in  a  Frost 

"  Hurt?  no,  Sir,— Rather  the  Contrary" 

A  Rasper 

Hark— Talliho  t       .  .         .         .         ] 

There  is  Pigg  holding  the  Fox  above  his 
The  Waning  Season        .... 

Mr.  James  Pigg      ..... 

Mr.  Jorrocks  and  Pigg  drink  ' '  Fox-hunting 

The  Old  Customer 

Mr.  Jorrocks  examining  his  hunting  attire 
Testimonial  to  John  Jorrocks,  Esq. 
The  Stud  Sale  .  .  .  .  ' 

A  Judge  of  a  Horse         ■         .         .         . 
Poor  Xerxes    ..... 
Counsellor  Martin  Moonface .         .         .         . 
Mr.  Jorrocks  in  the  Inner  Circle  of  the  Rege 
A  present  to  Dr.  Mollo  . 
James  Pigg  in  the  Witness-box 
Mrs.  Jorrocks  advising  Belinda 
Doleful  prepared  for  the  Siege 
Bowker  ejecting  Benjamin     . 
The  taking  of  Captain  D. 
Captain  Dolefnl's  Mothor-in-law 
Who-hoopI      ..... 
Benjamin    and    his    Friend    exercising 

hunters    .... 
Mr.  Jorrocks'a  card 


head 


Mr. 


down    his 


nt's  Park 


.Jorrocks'. s 


HANDLEY    CROSS 


oil 


Mr.   Jorrocks's  Hunt 


CHAPTER  I 


THE   OLDEN   TIMES 

"  I  i*espect  hunting  in  whatever  shape  it  appears  ;  it  is  a  manly  and  a 
wholesome  exercise,  and  seems  by  nature  designed  to  be  the  amusement 
of  the  Briton." — Bickfokd. 


TI E  N  Michael  Hardey 
died,  great  was  the  diffi- 
culty in  the  Vale  of 
Sheepwash  to  devise 
liow  the  fanners'  hunt 
was  to  be  carried  on. 
Michael,  a  venerable 
sportsman  of  the  old 
school,  had  long  been  at 
the  head  of  affairs,  and 
without  paying  all  ex- 
penses, had  enjoyed  an 
uninterrupted  sway  over 
tlio  pack  and  coiuitry. 

The   hounds   at   first 

■were  of  that  primitive 

sort  upon  which  modern 

sportsmen    look    do'wn 

Few  in  number,  uneven  in  size,  and 

speed,    tliey    wero    trencher-fed  *    all 


■-Z^-^ 


with  contempt. 

ill-matched     in      _ 

the  year  round,  and  unon  any  particular  morning  that 

was    fixed   oa   for  a  hunt,  each    man   mi^-'ht  be  seen 


*  Uukonniled,  or  kept  ut  farm-hou!>es  and  cottages. 


B 


2  HANDLEY  CKOSS 

wending  his  way  to  the  meet  followed  by  his  dog,  or 
In-ingintr  him  along  in  a  string. 

"  There  wns  Invincible  Tom,  and  Invincible  Towler, 
Invincible  Jack,  and  Invincible  Jowler." 

Day  would  hardly  have  dawned  ere  the  long-poled 
sportsmen  assemhled  with  their  hounds.  Then  they 
would  trail  np  to  pnss.  Tipler  would  give  the  first 
intimation  of  her  erratic  wanderings  o'er  the  dewy  mead. 
Then  it  was,  "  Well  done,  Tipler !  Ah,  what  a  dog  he 
is  !  "  Then  Moimtain  would  throw  his  tongue,  and  fling- 
ing a  pace  or  two  in  advance,  would  assume  the  lead. 
"  Well  done,  Mountain  !  Mountain  for  ever  " — would  be 
the  cry.  Tapster  next  would  give  a  long-dra-wni  howl,  as 
if  in  confiiMuation  of  his  comrades'  doings  in  front,  and 
receive  in  turn  the  plaudits  of  his  master.  Thus  they 
would  \uiravel  the  gordian  knot  of  puss's  wanderings. 

Meanwhile  other  foot-people  try  the  turnips,  cross  the 
stulsbles,  and  beat  the  hedges,  in  search  of  her — 

Yon  tuft  upon  the  rising  groimd  seems  likely  for  her 
foim.  Aye,  Tipler  points  towards  it.  Giles  Jolter's 
hand  is  raised  to  signal  Invincible  Towler,  but  half  the 
pack  iiish  towards  him,  and  Jolter  kicks  jiuss  out  of  her 
form  to  save  her  from  their  jaws.  "Hoop!  Hoop!  Hoop! 
There  she  goes ! "  What  a  panic  ensues  !  Puss  lays  her 
long  ears  upon  her  back,  and  starts  for  the  hill  with  the 
fleetness  of  the  wind.  The  pack,  with  more  noise  than 
speed,  strain  every  nei-ve,  and  the  further  they  go  the 
further  they  are  left  behind.  Their  chance  seems  out 
altogether.  The  hare  crosses  over  the  summit  of  the  hill, 
and  the  hounds  are  reduced  to  their  noses  for  the  line. 
"  Now,  Mountain !  Now,  Tipler !  Now,  Bonnets-o'-Blue. 
Ah,  what  dogs  they  are ! " 

***** 

Puff,  puff,  puff,  go  the  sportsmen,  running  and  roUing 
after  their  darlings,  with  little  leism-e  for  shouting. 
Then,  having  gained  the  summit  of  the  hill,  the  panting 
pedestrians  would  stand  lost  in  admiration  at  the  douigs 
of  their  favourites  down  below,  while  the  more  active 
follow  in  tlieir  wake,  ti-usting  to  a  check  to  let  them  in. 
Whon  a  check  ensued,  how  bipeds  and  quadi-upcds 
worked!  While  the  latter  were  snijHing  about,  going 
over  the  same  groimd  half  a  dozen  times,  the  former 
woiild  call  their  hounds  to  them,  and  either  by  pricking 
or  lifting  over  difficult  ground  contrive  to  give  them  a 
lead.  The  hunt  is  up  again,  and  away  they  all  go.  The 
hounds  strain  over  the  grass,  dash  tluough  the  furze, 


THE  OLDEN   TIMES  8 

making  the  spinuey  resound  with  theii*  cry,  and  enter 
upon  the  f;illow  beyond.  Mountain  alone  speaks  to  the 
scent,  and  hills  re-echo  his  voice. — Now  he's  silent. — 
She's  squatted. 

The  prickers  ai-e  at  work  again,  trying  each  fuiTow, 
and  taking  the  rigs  across.     How  close  she  lies  ! 
***** 

"Hoop!"  She  jumps  up  in  the  middle  of  the  pack, 
and  Mountain  ,!:;ets  a  moutliful  of  fur.  That  was  a  close 
shave! — too  close  to  be  pleasant.  The  hill  people  view 
her,  and  now  every  move  of  puss  and  the  pack  is  eagerly 
watched.  "  That's  right !  that's  right !  over  the  stubble. 
Tijder's  juat  going  her  very  line.  Ah,  he's  taken  up  the 
hedge  instead  of  down,  and  Mountain  has  it.  Now, 
Mountain,  my  man  !  " 

She  i-uns  round  the  sheep,  but  Mountain  hits  her  off 
Ijeyond.  Now  she  doubles  and  springs  back,  but  they 
work  through  the  problem,  and  again  puss  has  nothing 
to  tiiist  to  but  her  speed.  Her  strength  begins  to  fail. 
She  makes  a  grand  eil'oit,  and  again  leaves  her  pursuers 
in  the  lurch.  Slow  and  sure  they  ring  her  funeral  knell 
after  her,  each  note  striking  terror  into  her  breast  as  she 
pricks  her  long  eai's  and  sits  listening. 

She  nears  her  own  haunt  l)ut  dare  not  enter.  The  hill 
jjcople  descend  to  join  the  tussle  at  the  end.  Poor  jniss  ! 
her  large  bright  eyes  are  ready  to  start  out  of  her  head. 
Her  clean  bi'own  fur  is  clotted  and  begrimed,  and  her 
strength  is  all  but  exhausted.    Another  view  ! 

"  Poor  is  the  triumpli  o'er  the  timid  haio." 

Now  what  a  noise  of  men  and  hounds  as  they  view  her 
again.  It  is  a  last  chance.  She  passes  into  the  next  grass 
field,  and  a  friendly  hedge  conceals  her  from  their  view. 
She  steals  up  the  fun-ow,  and  reaches  the  wall  at  the 
high  end.  It  is  high  and  loose,  and  a  few  stones  are  out 
in  the  n)iddle.     Puss  jumps  in.* 

***** 

Up  come  the  hoiuids.  Mountain  and  Tii)ler,  and  Game- 
ster, and  BounrLs-o'-Blue,  Men7mau  and  I'errymau,  and 
tlien  a  long  tail,  yelping,  yajiping,  puffing  and  blowing. 

Over  they  go  into  the  lane.     Now  u}),  now  down,  now 
backwards,  now  lonvards,  now  roiuid  about,  but  no  puss. 
***** 

Up  come  the  field.     "  Now,  Mountain,  my  man,  hit  her 

*  The  muiKBuvrcB  of  a  hunted  hare  are  ti-uly  aBtoulHhing.— The  author 
witcesserl  tht  ubuvu. 


4  HANDLBY   CE0S8 

oU  !  "  cries  his  master,  vaulting  over  the  wall,  and  stoop- 
ing to  prick  the  hare  on  the  road.  But  no  prints  are 
thfre. 

"  She  must  have  flown ! "  ohsei-ves  one. 

"  Or  sunk  into  the  ground,"  says  another. 

"  Or  yon  tinker  man's  knocked  her  on  the  head," 
observes  a  third,  pointing  to  a  gipsy  camp  at  the  cross 
roads,  and  away  they  all  go  to  demand  the  Lody  of  puss. 
***** 

The  tinker  man  shows  fight  on  having  his  cauldron 
searched,  and  several  stout  wenches  emerging  from  the 
tattei-ed  cai-t  awning,  a  battle  royal  ensues,  and  further 
attention  is  completely  diverted  from  puss. 

"Well  done,  puss ! 

To  proceed — 

The  next  step  in  the  Handley  Cross  Himt  was  getting 
a  boy  to  collect  the  hoimds  before  hunting.*  _ 

They  lay  wide,  and  sometimes  Mountain's  master 
couldn't  come,  consequently.  Mountain  was  not  there; 
sometimes  Tii^ler's  master  was  absent,  and  the  pack 
lost  the  services  of  Tipler's  unerring  nose. 

Next,  some  of  the  fanners  began  to  ride.  At  first  they 
came  out  with  young  horses,  just  to  let  them  see  hounds — 
then  as  the  horses  got  older  they  thought  they  might  as 
well  work  them  till  they  sold  them,  and  at  last  it  ended  in 
their  riding  as  a  matter  of  coiu'se.  Foremost  among  the 
riders  v.as  Michael  Hardey.  He  had  always  been  a  great 
promoter  of  the  hunt,  breeding  his  hounds  as  he  did  his 
horses,  for  speed  and  substance.  Some  used  to  say  they 
were  rayther  too  swift  for  a  hare.  Others,  however, 
followed  his  examjjle,  and  in  course  of  time  the  heavy 
towling  harriers  were  convei"ted  into  quick  and  dashing 
hounds. 

Time  rolled  on,  and  Michael  at  length  became  looked 
npon  as  the  master  or  manager  of  the  pack.  Having 
been  always  more  addicted  to  fox  than  to  hare,  he  had 
infused  a  spirit  into  the  country  which  ended  in  making 
the  wily  animal  their  quarry. 

The  homids  were  still  kept  at  walks  during  the  summer, 
but  Michael  fitted  up  a  kennel  at  his  farm  to  which  they 
were  brought  towards  the  autumn.  Peter,  the  pedestrian 
huntsman,  was  taken  into  Michael's  service,  clothed  and 
mounted. 

•  It  is  ouly  those  who  have  witnessed  it  that  can  credit  the  eagacity 
evinced  by  trencher-fed  hounds  in  knowing  the  hunting  mornings, 
placing  themselves  ready  for  the  summons  or  rushing  wth  joyous  cry 
to  meut  the  xxiLi^scuger. 


THE   OI.DKN   TIMES  5 

Of  course  all  tliis  was  done  by  subscription.  Some 
gave  Michael  casli,  some  gave  liim  com,  some  bay,  others 
straw,  and  all  the  old  horses  in  the  country  fonnd  their 
way  to  his  fann. 

They  were  then  called  fox-honnds. 

The  first  day  of  the  first  season,  after  their  metamor- 
phosis, the  hoiinds  met  at  Handley  Cross — the  Godfather 
of  our  work.  It  was  a  pretty  village,  standing  on  a  gentle 
eminence,  about  the  middle  of  the  Vale  of  Sheepwash,  a 
rich  gi'azing  district,  fuU  of  rural  beauties,  and  renowned 
for  the  honest  independence  of  its  inhabitants.  Neither 
f actoiy  nor  foiuadi-y  distui-bed  its  morals  or  its  quietude- 
steam  and  railroads  were  equally  unknown.  The  clear 
curl  of  white  smoke,  that  rose  from  its  cottage  chimneys, 
denoted  the  consiuuption  of  forest  wood,  with  which  the 
outskirts  of  the  vale  abounded.  It  was  a  nice  clean 
countiy.  The  hazel  gi-ew  with  an  eel-like  skin,  and  the 
spiry  larch  shot  up  in  a  cane-coloured  shoot.  Wild  roses 
filled  the  hedges,  and  fragrant  woodbine  clambered 
everywhere.  Handley  Cross  was  a  picturesque  spot :  it 
commanded  an  almost  uninteiTupted  view  over  the  whole 
vale.  Far,  to  the  north,  the  lofty  Gayhxirst  hills  formed 
a  soft  and  sublime  oiitline,  while  the  rich  vale  stretched 
out,  dotted  with  village  spires,  and  brightened  with 
winding  silvery  streams,  closed  in  on  either  side  with 
dark  streaks  of  woodland  tracts.  To  the  south,  it 
stretched  away  to  the  sea.  Handley  Cross  was  a  simple, 
unpretending  village ;  the  white-washed,  thatched-roofed 
cottages  formed  a  straggling  square,  round  a  village 
green,  in  the  centre  of  which,  encircled  with  time- 
honoured  firs,  on  a  flight  of  rude  stone  stejis,  stood  the 
village  cross,  the  scene  of  country  liirings.  Basket- 
making  was  the  trade  of  the  inhabitants  ;  a  healtJiy  and 
prosperous  one,  if  the  looks  of  its  followers,  and  tb.e  vine- 
clad  and  rose-covered  fronts  of  the  cottages  might  be 
taken  as  an  index.  It  had  but  one  public-house — the 
sign  of  the  Vox  and  Grapes,  and  that  was  little  fre- 
quented—had it  been  othei-wise,  there  would  most  likely 
have  l)oen  two. 

Thither  our  master  bi'ought  his  hounds  the  first  day  of 
the  season  in  which  they  professedly  liegan  to  hunt  foxes. 
It  was  a  day  of  interest  in  the  vale,  and  people  gatlierod 
from  afar.  Tlie  morning  was  beautit'nlly  fine,  with  a 
slight  tinge  of  frost  on  the  ground,  that  iialf-an-hour's 
sunshine  would  dissolve.  A  little  before  eight,  the  foot- 
Jjeople  on  the  steps  of  the  Cross  descried  Micliael  cross- 
ing the  vale  by  a  line  of  hand-gatris  from  his  house — the 


9  HANDLEY   CROSS 

liomida  clustered  round  his  horse,  and  Peter  bringing  np 
the  i-ear.  Ou  they  come  at  an  easy,  steady  pave,  and 
then  the  tall  hedges  below  concealed  them  fi-om  their 
view;  presently  they  rose  the  hill,  and  entered  the  village 
gi-een.  "The  hounds!  the  hounds!"  cried  the  children, 
an(i  away  they  rushed  from  the  Cross  to  meet  them. 

Some  of  the  hounds  threw  their  tongues  with  delight, 
as  they  jumped  and  fawned  ou  the  hands  that  had  fed 
them ;  Climbank  met  his  master,  and  riTshed  to  him  with 
joy,  while  the  honest  fellow  felt  in  his  pocket  for  the  accus- 
tomed cnist.  "  Come-by-Chance"  recognized  his  mis- 
tress, and  nearly  threw  her  down  with  the  vehemence  of 
his  salute.  All  was  cheei-f  ul  and  bright — Michael's  black 
hoi'se  pawed  the  ground,  and  whinnied  with  delight,  aa 
the  hounds  bayed  him,  or  leapt  against  his  sides.  His 
master  had  paid  a  little  extra  attention  to  his  toilette 
that  morning ;  his  well-brushed,  broad-brimmed  hat, 
pressed  gently  on  his  close-lying  nut-brown  curls,  his 
whiskers  were  newly  trimmed,  and  he  had  evidently  had 
a  keen-edged  razor  to  shave  with;  health  was  on  his  brow, 
and  a  good-natured  smile  hovei-ed  o'er  his  swarthy  face, 
displaj'ing  the  brightness  of  his  eyes  and  the  whiteness 
and  regularity  of  his  teeth.  Michael  was  then  about  forty ; 
but  for  the  fulness  of  his  limbs  one  might  have  taken 
something  off.  The  elements  had  rather  hardened  tlian 
shaiijened  the  featiu'es  of  his  face.  He  stood  six  feet 
high,  with  an  amazing  expanse  of  chest,  and  well-propor- 
tioned limbs.  His  hunting  costume  consisted  of  a  good 
nut-l)rown  coat,  abnost  matching  his  comijlexion,  a 
Bciiipulously  clean  white  neck-cloth,  with  a  Inrge  flat- 
pocketed  red  waistcoat,  patent  cord  breeches,  and 
mahogany-coloured  top-boots.  His  undress,  or  home 
costume,  was  the  same,  with  drab  gaiters  instead  of 
boots;  and  his  full,  or  evening  costume,  ditto,  without 
the  gaiters.  A  twisted  hunting  honi  was  slung  across 
his  shoulder,  and  he  rode  with  a  spare  stin-up-leather 
round  his  horse's  neck.  This  coal-black  steed  was  an 
animal  of  amazing  speed  and  power— nearly  thorough- 
bred, with  _  a  liglit,  well-set  on  head,  clean  flat  legs, 
immense  loins  and  hocks ;  he  stood  nearly  sixteen  hands, 
though  the  shoi-tness  of  his  tail  made  him  look  somewhat 
bigger ;  he  was  rising  seven  years  old,  and  that  was  his 
first  regular  season.  Peter  was  dressed  Uke  his  mastei* — 
coat,  waistcoat,  and  breeches  of  the  same  web,  and  rode 
a  wry -looking  bay  mare,  v/ith  white  hind-legs.  He  was 
then  aljout  thii-ty,  shoi-t,  light,  and  active,  barely  turning 
nine  stone — Michael  weighed  fourteen. 


THE  OLDEN  TIMES  7 

Horsemen  now  began  to  aiTive  througli  the  various 
openings  among  the  cottages  on  the  green.  First  came 
James  Fairlamb,  with  his  men-y  round  face  shining  witli 
the  morning  snu — he  rode  a  crop-eared  cob  with  a  Roman 
nose ;  his  di-ess  consisted  of  a  single-breasted  pliim- 
coloiu'ed  coat,  with  large  silver  buttons,  black  boots, 
and  white  lambswool  stockings  drawn  over  his  knees. 
Stephen  Dumpling,  the  doctor,  appeared  at  the  door  of 
the  only  four- windowed  house  on  the  green,  followed  by 
his  maid  with  a  foaming  tankard.  The  contents  being 
disposed  of,  he  mounted  his  dun  pony,  and  joined  the 
group.  He  was  dressed  in  orthodox  black,  with  powder, 
and  a  pig-tail,  drab  shorts,  and  top-boots.  The  plot 
thickened — they  came  by  twos  and  thi-ees.  Peter  Jewitt 
and  Han-y  Jones ;  two  Smiths  and  a  Brown,  then 
another  Je-ndtt,  then  another  Jones ;  Morgan  Hains  and 
John  Thomas ;  next  a  horse-breaker ;  after  him,  Mr. 
Giles,  the  brewer,  followed  by  the  Exciseman,  on  a  mule ; 
then  Mr.  Smith,  the  overseer,  and  Miss  Fidget's  young 
man  with  a  letter-bag,  a  molecatcher,  and  a  gamekeeper. 

All  his  comrades  having  come,  Michael  looked  at  his 
lai'ge  silver  hunting- watch,  and  seeing  it  was  half -past 
eight,  prepared  for  throwing  off.  The  couples  were  taken 
off  the  young  hounds,  master  and  man  cocked  foi-ward 
their  legs  and  tightened  their  girths,  and  then  turned 
their  horses'  heads  for  the  south,  amid  a  chorus  of 
delight  from  the  hounds  and  the  ill-supin-essed  cheers  of 
the  field. 

A  hazel  copse  or  two  were  tried  jiist  for  the  sake  of  the 
chance,  and  on  they  trotted  to  a  wanii  lying  cover  of 
gorse,  or  bi-ushwood,  fomied  by  the  junction  of  two  hills. 
Jolly-boy,  Boniface,  and  Dexterous  feathered  as  they 
a])proachcd  the  spot,  and  the  fonuer  dashing  in  with  a 
whimper  and  a  long-di-awn  howl,  Micliael  took  off  his 
broad-brimmed,  low-crowned  hat,  and  waving  in  the 
pack,  cheered  them  to  the  echo.  His  horse  pricked  his 
ears,  and  whinnied  with  delight,  and  could  scarcely  be 
brought  to  stand  with  his  head  towards  the  cover  as 
Micliael  stood  ei'ect  in  his  stiiTups,  with  one  hand  on 
the  cantrol  of  his  saddle,  and  the  otiier  holding  his  wlii]) 
and  reins,  while  his  eagle-eye  roved  over  every  part  of 
the  dell.  "  Have  at  him  there,  my  jewel !  "  cried  he  to 
old  Bonny-boll — a  favourite  white  bitch  that  lived  witli 
him,  and  could  scarcely  ever  be  persuaded  to  quit  his 
horse's  heels, — as  she  stood  whining,  lifting  a.  foot,  and 
looking  him  eamestly  in  tlie  face; —  '  Have  at  him  tiiere, 
my  old  lass  ! '  re-e<!hoed  he,  looking  down  upon  her,  and 


8  HANDLEY   CROSS 

waving  his  riplit.  Land,  to  inrluce  her  to  join  cry.    Tl:fi 
old  bitch   dashed   in,   and   the   chorus   increased.     The 
gorse  was  close,  or  tlie  honnds  must  have  chopped  the 
fox,  for  he  had  made  two  efforts  to  break  up  hill  so  as  to 
fly  for  the  woodland  country,  and  had  twice  been  driven 
from  his  point  by  Michael's  voice  and  the  crack  of  his 
whip.    A  momentary  silence  ensued,  as  they  over-ran  the 
scent,  and  Michael  had  just  cried,  "Look  out,  Peter !  "to 
his  whipper-in,  who  was  stationed  on  the  opposite  hill, 
■when  the  fox  dashed  over  a  piece  of  stone  wall  between 
two  large  ash  trees  in  the  high  hedge  at  the  bottom  of 
the  cover,  and  with  a  whisk  of  his  brush,  set  his  head 
straight  dovm  the  vale,  crossing  over  a  large  grazing 
groimd  of  at  least  a  hundred  acres.     "  Silence ! "  cried 
Michael,  holding  up  his  hand  to  the   foot-people,  who 
were  congi-egated  on  the  hill,  as  he  turned  his  horse 
short,  and  galloped  to  the  point  at  which  the  fox  broke 
away,  where  with  a  twang  of  his  bugle,  he  presently  had 
the  old  hounds  at  his  heels,  and  hat  in  hand  he  waved 
them  over  the  wall.     Jolly-boy  feathered  for  a  second  on 
the  grass,  and  then  with  a  long-protracted  howl,  as  if  to 
di-aw  his  brethen  to  the  spot,  he  went  away  with  his 
head  in  the  air,  followed  by  Dexterous,  Countryman, 
Boimy-BeU,  and  True-boy,  and  after  them  went  the  body 
of  the  pack. 

"  G-one  away !  "  cried  Michael,  "  gone  away !  tally-ho ! 
tally-ho!  tally-ho!" 

"  Get  away,  hounds !  get  away !  "  holloaed  Peter, 
cracking  hia  whip  as  he  ti-otted  dowTi  the  steep  hill ;  and 
putting  his  bay  mare  straight  at  the  fence  at  the  bottom, 
went  crash  through  it,  with  a  noise  that  resembled  the 
outburstiug  of  a  fire  in  a  straw-yard.  Then  came  the 
rush  •:  the  black  threw  the  stone  wall  behind  him,  as  a 
girl  would  her  skiijping-rope ;  and  James  Fairlamb's  cob 
came  floundering  after,  biinging  down  the  coping  stones, 
with  a  rattle  and  clatter  that  would  have  been  awful  if 
hounds  had  not  been  running.  The  third  man  was  the 
Doctor  on  the  dun,  who  made  it  still  lower ;  and  after 
him  came  Peter  Jewitt  and  John  Jones  (the  latter 
leading  over),  and  impeding  the  progress  of  John 
Thomas,  the  other  Jewitt,  the  other  Jones,  Morgan 
Hains,  the  overseer,  and  the  parish-clerk  of  Welford, 
who  all  kept  holloaing  and  swearing  away — as  obstructed 
gentlemen  in  a  hun-y  generally  do.  The  foot -people, 
seeing  how  hopeless  was  the  case,  stood  upon  the  hills, 
lost  in  mrite  astonishment,  eyeing  Michael  on  his  black, 
careering,  over  the  meadows  and  hedges  in  a  straight  line 


THE  OLDEN   TIMES 


9 


■with  the  pack,  followed  by  Peter  on  his  bay,  and  Fair- 
lamb,  on  his  cob,  until  the  pkun-coloured  coat  of  the 
latter  assumed  the  hue  of  the  others,  and  hounds,  horses, 
and  men  grew 

"  Small  by  degreea  and  beautifully  less." 
"  Gently ! "  cried  Michael,  as  the  black  horse  bounded 
over  the  fifteenth  fence,  with  all  the  dash  and  vigour 


nivf-»- 


with  which  he  had  cleared  the  wall,  and  the  hounds  threw 
\\p  upon  a  fallow,  the  first  check  they  had  come  to. 
"  Yon  way  !"  criod  a  countryman  on  a  bean-stack,  wlio 
had  headed  the  fox,  extending  his  arm  like  a  telogra])li; 
"  to  the  loft,  pa»t  the  hurdles."  "  Let  them  alone ! "  cri.d 
Michael,  "let  them  alone!  Jolly-boy  has  it  down  tlio 
fuiTow;  Moic  to  Jolly-boy  !  hoic  !  "  and  a  wave  of  his  hat 
brought  the  pack  forward,  and  away  they  go  full  ci-y, 


10  HANDLEY   CR0S8 

making  the  welkin  ring  witli  the  music  of  their  deep- 
toned  notes. 

"  A  cry  more  tiiiical)lo 


Waa  never  holloa'd  to,  nor  chcei'd  by  IiornI  " 

FoiTvavd  they  press ;  and  Conqueror  usin-ps  the  place 
of  Jolly-boy.  Poor  dog,  nature  must  not  be  denied,  and 
age  has  slackened  the  vigour  of  his  limbs !  But  they 
come  to  slow  hunting,  and  the  old  hound's  unerring 
nose  keei^s  the  pack  upon  the  line.  The  ground  is 
stained  witli  sheep,  which  scampering  in  a  half  circle  as 
the  fox  went  past,  complete  the  ring,  now  that  they  hear 
the  hounds.  Michael  pulls  up,  Peter  is  at  his  side, 
Fail-lamb  is  in  the  next  field — crack  goes  a  rail,  and  the 
Roman-nosed  cob  is  over,  and  the  doctor's  dun  comes  up 
just  as  Michael  puts  his  finger  in  his  ear,  and  screeches 
the  pack  forward  to  old  Bonny-bell,  who  speaks  to  the 
villain  under  the  gate.  It  is  a  rotten  old  thing  upon  one 
hinge,  formed  of  at  least  twenty  spars  and  rails,  all 
rattling  and  jingling  out  of  concert,  and  is  fastened  with 
hazel-bands  and  pieces  of  knotted  rope.  Michaels 
ponderous  iron-headed  whip  breaks  through  them  at  a 
blow,  and,  thrusting  the  remains  back  with  his  right  leg, 
he  passes  through  and  enters  the  open  common  beyond 
the  vale.  They  are  now  upon  the  downs  !  all  is  bright- 
ness and  space ;  Handley  Cross  appears  like  a  speck  in 
the  distance,  rendered  visiVjle  only  by  the  dark  firs  on  the 
Green,  and  the  vale  looks  like  a  web  of  green  clotli 
stretched  out  behind. 

They  approached  rising  ground,  and  the  pack  no 
longer  press  forward  in  eager  jealousy,  bi;t  eacli  hound 
seems  settled  in  his  place ;  in  truth,  the  pace  has  told 
upon  uneven  condition,  and  four  hoimds  alone  caiTy  the 
scent.  The  ground  becomes  steeper  and  steeper,  and 
even  the  fox  has  traversed  the  "  mountain's  brow  "  at  an 
angle.  Now  Clim bank's  outline  stands  against  the  blue 
sky,  and  the  pack  wind  after  him  in  long-drawn  file. 
Michael  juuips  off  his  horse  as  he  approaches  the  steep 
ascent,  and  runs  up,  leading ;  Peter  follows  his  example, 
but  Fairlamb  sticks  to  the  cob,  and  the  Doctor  begins 
kicking  and  digging  the  dun  with  his  spurs. 

The  heights  of  Ashley  Downs  are  gained,  and  the 
scene  changes.  The  horizon  is  bounded  by  the  sea, 
upon  whose  briny  bosom  float  some  pigmy  vessels,  and 
the  white  breakers  of  the  shore  ai'e  just  visible  to  the 
eye.  It  may  be  five  miles  off,  and  the  space  between  is 
undulating  and  open,  save  towards  a  tract  of  woodland 


THE  OLDKN   TIMES  11 

that  appears  to  join  the  coast.  The  Doctor  i-eaches  the 
sviuunit  of  Asliley  Downs,  and  pulls  \i\i  fairly  exhansted. 
He  takes  oft'  his  hat  and  mops  the  pei-spiration  from  his 
brow,  as  he  sits  viewhig  hounds,  horses,  and  men. 
swing-ing  away  down  the  hill  like  a  bundle  of  clock 
pendulums  into  the  vale  below.  Not  a  house  to  be  seen ! 
no,  not  even  a  cottage,  and  as  the  hounds  turn  to  the 
right,  and  run  the  depths  of  a  rocky  dell,  whose  pro- 
jecting cliffs  support  venerable  yews  and  red-ben-ied 
hollies,  their  music  rends  the  air, 

"  As  if  a  double  hunt  were  heard  at  once." 

"  It's  twenty  years  since  I  was  here,"  said  Michael  to 
liimself,  wiping  the  perspiration  from  his  forehead,  "  and 
tlie  fox  l)eat  me,  I  recollect.  If  we  can  but  press  hiiu 
out,  we  must  kill.  That's  the  very  crag ! "  added  he, 
'■  just  below  the  crooked  oak.  He  has  tried  it,  biit,  thank 
goodness.  Jolly-boy  caiTies  the  scent  beyond !  Yooi  on, 
liuunds !  yooi  on  1 "  holloas  Michael  from  above,  with  a 
crack  of  his  whip  to  some  tail-hounds  tliat  kept  snuffling 
at  his  sides  ;  "  Forrard,  away,  foiTard !  " 

The  dell  opens  into  a  broader  expanse  of  better  soil, 
and  the  whole  pack  pour  forth  into  the  vale  beyond  with 
a  chorus  and  a  melody  "  of  musical  discord  and  sweet 
thunder,"  that  makes  even  Faii-lamb's  cob,  though  some- 
what distressed,  snort  and  prick  up  his  eava  with  pleasure. 
Forward  they  go,  with  every  hound  upon  the  scent  and 
si>eaking  to  it, 

"  Wliat  lenR-tha  they  pa.ss  !  where  will  the  wandering  chnse 
Jjciul  them  bewilder'd  ?  " 

"  He's  close  afoor  you  ! "  cries  a  shepherd  fi'om  a  straw- 
thatched  hut,  whose  dog  having  chased  the  fox  had 
caused  a  check,  and  Michael  cast  forward  at  a  trot.  A 
Hock  of  sheep  wheeling  round  a  field  directed  him  to 
the  line,  and  old  Bonny-bell  hits  him  off  at  the  hedge- 
row. All  the  hoiuids  then  stoop  to  the  scent  and  dash 
forward  into  the  large  wood  beyond  witli  mischief  and 
venom  in  their  cry.  The  wood  is  open  at  the  bottom  and 
tiiey  get  tlirougli  it  like  wildfire.  Midiael  is  with  them, 
Peter  outside,  witli  Fairlamb  behind.  The  wood  becomes 
studded  with  evergreens  and  gradually  opens  upon  a 
lake  with  a  bridge  of  costly  structure  at  the  end;  Michael 
views  tlie  fox  dead  beat,  witli  his  tongue  out,  and  brush 
dragging  along  the  ground,  just  turning  the  comer  to 
cross  the  bridge;  and  dashing  fonvard,  hat  in  hand,  in 
another  minute  ran  into  him  on  the  mossy  lawn  by  the 


12  HANDLBY   CROSS 

lon-ace  of  OnfTiu-  Castle,  just  as  the  Eavl  of  Biamhor 
and  family  were  sitting  down  to  breakfast. 

AVlio  shall  describe  Michael's  ecstasy,  as  he  picked  np 
the  fox  and  held  him  high  above  the  baying  pack.  There 
he  stood  on  the  well-kept  lawn,  with  his  foxgrinning  in 
grim  death  in  one  hand  and  his  low-crowned  hat  in  the 
other,  whooping  and  holloaing  old  Bonny-bell  and  the 

f)ack  up  to  him,  while  the  colt,  in  a  smoking  white 
ather,  kept  moving  about,  stamping  and  pawing  up  the 
mossy  bank  as  he  went.  Then  Michael  pulled  his  bugle 
round  and  soimded  a  blast  that  brought  Peter  and 
Fairlamb  along  at  the  best  pace  they  could  muster,  just 
as  the  Earl  of  Bramber  threw  up  the  breakfast-room 
window,  and  the  towers  of  the  castle  flashed  upon 
Michael's  view.  All,  however,  was  right,  for  his  lordship 
having  been  a  sportsman  himself,  entered  into  his 
feelings,  and  stepping  out  lapon  the  lawn,  banished  the 
idea  of  intrusion  by  congratulating  Michael  on  his  sport. 
The  ladies,  too,  followed  his  example,  and  even  forgave 
the  trampling  of  the  horse  on  their  mossy  cai-pet.  The 
horses  and  hounds  were  then  withdi'awn  from  the  teiTace 
to  a  comer  of  the  park  close  by,  where  the  fox's  bioish, 
mask,  and  pads  being  cut  off.  Peter  climbing  up  a  neigh- 
bouring oak,  extended  himself  along  a  strong  arm  across 
which  he  balanced  the  fox,  whooping  and  holloaing  to 
the  hounds,  while  Michael  and  Fairlamb  did  the  same 
below,  and  the  hounds  being  tantalized  by  expectation 
and  baying  in  full  chonis,  down  went  the  fox  crash  into 
their  mouths.  "  Tear  him  and  eat  him !  "  was  the  cry,  and 
he  was  riven  to  pieces  in  an  instant. 

Years  rolled  on  with  varying  sport,  but  with  Michael 
at  the  head  of  the  hunt.  Time  slackened  his  pace  and 
the  pace  of  his  field ;  but  as  they  all  gi-ew  fat,  and  old, 
and  grey  together,  no  one  noticed  the  change  in  his 
neighbour.  The  hounds  got  a  name,  and  while  in  their 
zenith  none  could  twist  up  a  fox  sooner  or  in  better  style. 
With  plenty  of  music  and  mettle,  they  seldom  over-ran 
the  scent,  were  never  pressed  upon  or  over-ridden.  They 
turned  like  harriers.     Kennel  lameness  was  unknown. 

As  a  huntsman  Michael  was  superexcellent.  He  knew 
when  to  lay  hold  of  his  hounds,  and  when  to  let  them 
alone.  His  voice  was  shrill,  clear  and  musical,  his  eye 
quick  and  bright,  and  he  saw  things  that  others  never 
noticed.  It  is  told  of  him  that  one  day  having  pressed 
his  fox  vei-y  hard,  and  lost  him  most  unaccountably  in  a 
wood  of  some  ten  acres,  as  he  was  telling  his  hounds 
over  preparatory  to  going  home,  he  all  at  once  rode  back 


THE  OLDEN   TIMES  13 

to  the  top  of  a  hill  that  commanded  a  view  of  the  other 
side  of  the  cover  and  tally-ho'd  away !  Tlie  fox  being 
blown,  was  soon  af t^.n-  killed,  and  when  Michael  came  to 
account  for  his  movements,  he  said,  that  knowing  the 
honnds  were  all  out,  he  heard  a  blackbird  frightened  in 
cover,  and  supposed  it  might  be  by  the  fox  moving,  after 
they  were  gone.  Himdi-eds  of  similar  stories  were  told 
of  him. 

In  his  large  woodlands  with  which  the  outskirts  of  tiie 
vale  abounded,  many  a  fox  owed  his  death  to  the  way 
Michael  tkrew  in  his  tail-hounds  at  head.  He  knew_  liis 
counti-y  and  the  runs  of  his  foxes,  and  where  he  gained 
an  advantage  one  season  he  did  not  forget  to  repeat  it  in 
the  next.  His  dog  language  was  peculiar,  partaking  more 
of  the  nature  of  dialogue  than  the  short  mono-syllabic 
cheering  and  rating  of  the  present  day.  His  hounds 
were  strongly  attached  to  him;  and  if  by  any  chance 
he  did  not  accompany  them  to  cover,  they  would  iiish 
full  ci-y  from  Peter  and  his  boy  to  meet  him  on  the  road. 

Peter  was  a  capital  coadjutor,  and  master  and  man 
played  into  each  other's  hands  with  keenness  vmtinctui-ed 
with  jealousy.  The  whipper-in's  neiwe  continued  after 
liis  master's  began  to  fail,  and  he  might  often  be  seen 
Ijoring  thi-ough  a  bullfinch  to  clear  the  way  for  old 
Michael,  or  stepping  at  a  brook  to  give  him  a  help  over. 

Peace  to  Michael's  manes!  He  died  at  the  good  old 
age  of  eighty  without  a  groan  or  struggle.  The  lamp 
of  life  gradually  flickered  out,  and  his  spirit  passed  away 
almost  imperceptibly. 

"  His  memory  is  cherished  yet ;  and  mariy  people  say, 
With  this  jjoutl  did  P^nKli-shman  good  old  times  are  goue  for  aye." 


CHAPTER  II 


THE   RIVAL  DOCTORS  AND  M.C, 


ELL,  as  we  said  before,  when 
Michael  Hardey  died,  g-reat 
was  the  difficiUty  in  the  Vale 
of  Slieei^wusli  to  devise  how 
the  farmers'  hunt  was  to  be 
carried  on. 

The  difficulty  was  increased 
by  the  change  that  had  come 
over  the  country  itself.  After 
upwards  of  thii-ty  years'  occu- 
liancy  of  it,  Michael  wit- 
nessed one  of  those  magical 
revolutions  that  ai^pear  to 
belong  rather  to  fiction  than 
reality. 

One  Rogei'  Swizzle,  a  roy- 
stering,  i-ed-faced,  round- 
about ajDothecai-y,  who  had 
somewhat  impaired  his  constitution  by  his  jolly  pei-form- 
ances  while  walking  tJie  hospitals  in  London,  had  settled 
at  Aijpledove,  a  small  mai-ket  town  in  tJie  vale,  where  he 
enjoyed  a  consideraljle  want  of  practice  in  common  with 
two  or  three  other  foi-tunate  brethren.  Hearing  of  a 
mineral  spi-ing  at  Handley  Ci'oss,  which,  accordnig  to 
usual  country  tradition,  was  capable  of  "  curing  every- 
thing," he  tried  it  on  himself,  and  either  the  water  or 
the  exercise  in  walking  to  and  fro  had  a  vei'y  beneficial 
effect  on  his  somewhat  deranged  digestive  powei's.  He 
analyzed  its  contents,  and  finding  the  ingredients  he 
exi^ected,  he  set  himself  to  work  to  turn  it  to  his  own 
advantage.  Having  secured  a  lease  of  the  spring,  he 
took  the  late  Stephen  Dumijling's  house  on  the  green, 
v.here  at  one  or  other  of  its  four  front  windows  a 
numerous  tribe  of  little  Swizzles  might  he  seen  flattening 
their  noses  against  the  panes.     Roger  possessed  every 


THE  BIVAL  DOCTORS   AND   M.C.  15 

requisite  for  a  great  experimental  (qy.  quack)  practitioner, 
assurance,  a  wife  and  a  large  family,  and  scarcely  any- 
thing to  keep  them  on. 

Being  a  shrewd  sort  of  fellow,  he  knew  there  was 
nothing  like  striking  out  a  new  light  for  attracting 
notice,  and  the  more  that  light  was  in  accordiiuce  with 
the  wishes  of  the  world,  the  more  likely  was  it  to  turn  to 
his  o'WTi  advantage.  Half  the  complaints  of  the  upper 
classes  he  kncAv  arose  from  over-eating  and  indolence, 
80  he  tliought  if  he  could  originate  a  doctrine  that  with 
the  use  of  Handley  Cross  waters  people  niiglit  eat  and 
drink  what  they  pleased,  his  fortune  woiild  Le  as  good  as 
made.  To  tliis  end,  therefore,  he  set  himself  manfully  to 
work.  Aided  by  the  local  press,  he  succeeded  in  drawing 
a  certain  attention  to  the  water,  the  benefit  of  which 
soon  began  to  be  felt  by  tlie  villagei's  of  the  place ;  and 
the  landlord  of  the  Fox  and  Grapes  had  his  stable  con- 
stantly filled  with  gigs  and  horses  of  the  visitors. 
Presently  lodgings  were  sought  after,  and  carpeting 
Ijegan  to  cover  the  before  sanded  st:nrcases  of  the 
cottages.  Tliese  were  soon  foiind  insuffic'ient !  and  an 
enterprising  ],>ricklayer  got  up  a  l>uilding  society  for  the 
erection  of  a  row  of  four-roomed  cottages,  called  the 
Grand  Esplanade.  Others  qiiickly  followed,  the  last 
undertaking  always  eclipsing  its  predecessor,  until  that, 
which  at  first  was  logarded  with  astonishment,  was 
sunk  into  insignificance  })y  its  more  pretending  Invthren. 

The  Doctor's  practice  ''  grew  with  the  giuwth "  of 
Handley  Cross. 

His  rosy  face  glowed  with  health  and  good  living,  and 
his  little  black  eyes  twinkled  with  delight  as  he  prescribed 
for  each  patient,  sending  tl)em  away  as  happy  as  princes. 

"  Ah,  I  see  how  it  is,"  lie  would  say,  as  a  gouty 
aldennan  slowly  disclosed  tlie  symptoms  of  his  case 
"  Sliut  uj)  your  potatoe  trap  !  I  see  how  it  is.  Soon  set 
you  on  your  legs  again.  Was  far  worse  myself.  All 
stomach,  sir— all  stomach,  sir — all  stomach —threo- 
foui-tliB  of  our  complaints  arise  from  stomach ;  "  stroking 
his  corpulent  protuherancy  witli  one  hand,  and  twisting 
his  patient's  button  with  the  other.  "  Clean  you  well  out 
and  th^n  strengtlion  the  system.  Dine  with  me  at  five 
and  we  will  talk  it  all  over." 

With  languid  hypochoiidiiacH  he  was  siibtle,  firm,  .mil 
eminently  successful.  A  lady  who  took  it  into  her  lu'ad 
that  hIk'  couldn't  walk,  Roger  hail  carefully  carried  out 
of  her  carriage  into  a  room  at  the  top  of  his  house,  when 
raising  a  cry  of  "  I  i.e  !  "  ahe  came  spinning  down  staira 


16  HANDLEY   CROSS 

in  a  way  thiit  astonished  herself.  He  took  another  a 
mile  or  tA\'o  out  of  town  in  a  fly,  when,  suddenly  pullinc: 
up,  he  told  her  to  get  out  and  walk  home,  which  she  at 
length  did,  to  the  great  joy  of  her  husband  and  friends. 
With  the  great  and  dig^nificd,  and  those  who  were  really 
ill,  he  was  more  ceremonious.  "  You  see.  Sir  Harry," 
he  would  say,  "  it's  all  done  by  eating !  More  people  dig 
their  graves  with  their  teeth  than  we  imagine.  Not  that 
I  would  deny  you  the  good  things  of  this  world,  but  I 
woidd  recommend  a  few  at  a  time,  and  no  mixing.  _  No 
side  dishes.  No  liqueurs— only  two  or  three _  wines. 
Whatever  your  stomach  fancies  give  it!  Begin  now, 
to-moiTow',  with  the  waters.  A  pint  before  breakfast — 
half  an  hour  after,  tea,  fried  ham  and  eggs,  brown  bread, 
and  a  walk.  Luncheon — another  pint — a  roast  pigeon 
and  fried  potatoes,  then  a  ride.  Dinner  at  six,  not  later 
mind ;  gravy  soup,  glass  of  sherry,  nice  fresh  turbot  ;rnd 
lobster  sauce — wouldn't  recommend  salmon — another 
glass  of  sherry — then  a  good  cvit  out  of  the  middle  of  a 
well-browned  saddle  of  mutton,  wash  it  over  with  a  few 
glasses  of  iced  champagne;  and  if  you  like  a  little  light 
pastry  to  wind  up  with,  well  and  good. — A  pint  of  old 
port  and  a  devilled  biscuit  can  hui-t  no  man.  Mind, 
no  salads,  or  cucumbeis,  or  celery,  at  dinner,  or  fruit 
after.  Turtle  soup  is  very  wholesome,  so  is  venison. 
Don't  let  the  punch  be  too  acid  though.  Drink  the 
waters,  live  on  a  regimen,  and  you'll  be  well  in  no  time." 
With  these  and  such  like  comfortable  assm-auces,  he 
pocketed  his  guineas,  and  bowed  his  patients  out  by  the 
dozen.  The  theory  was  pleasant  both  to  doctor  and 
patient,  and  peculiarly  suited  the  jolly  air  of  the  giver. 
We  beg  pardon  for  not  having  drtiwn 
a  more  elaborate  sketch  of  Mr.  Swizzle 
before.  In  height  he  was  exactly  five 
feet  eight,  and  forty  years  of  age. 
He  had  a  long  fat  red  face,  with  little 
twinkling  black  eyes,  set  high  in  his 
forehead,  sm-mouuted  by  fvdlish  eye- 
brows and  short  bristly  ii-on-grey  hair, 
brushed  uiJ  like  a  hedgehog's  back. 
His  nose  was  snub,  and  he  rejoiced  in 
an  ample  double  chin,  rendered  more 
EOGEE  SWIZZLE.  couspicuous  by  the  tightness  of  an  ill- 
tied  white  neckcloth,  and  the  absence 
of  all  whisker  or  hair  from  his  face.  A  counti-y-made 
snufE-coloured  coat,  black  waistcoat,  and  short  greenish  > 
drab  trousers,  with  high-lows,  were  the  adjuncts  of  his""^ 


THE   RIVAL   DOCTORS  AND   M.O.  l7 

short  ungainly  figure.  A  peculiarly  good-nativred  smile 
hovered  round  tlie  dimples  of  his  fat  cheeks,  which  set  a 
patient  at  ease  on  the  instant.  This,  with  his  unaffected, 
cheeiy,  free  and  easy  manner  and  the  comfortable  nature 
of  his  prescriptions,  gained  him  innumerable  patients. 
That  to  some  he  did  good,  there  is  no  doubt.  The  mere 
early  rising  and  exercise  he  insisted  upon,  would  renovate 
a  constitution  impaired  by  too  close  apijlication  to 
business  and  bad  aii- ;  while  the  gourmand,  among  whom 
his  princii^al  practice  lay,  would  be  benefited  by 
abstinence  and  regular  hours.  The  water  no  doubt  had 
its  merits,  but,  as  tisual,  was  greatly  aided  by  early 
rising,  pure  air,  the  absence  of  cares,  regular  habits,  and 
the  other  advantages,  which  mineral  waters  invariably 
claim  as  their  own.  One  thing  the  Doctor  never  wanted 
— a  reason  why  he  did  not  cui-e.  If  a  patient  went  back 
on  his  hands,  he  soon  hit  off  an  excuse — "You  surely 
didn't  dine  off  goose,  on  Michaelmas-day  ?  "  or  "  Hadn't 
you  some  filberts  for  dessert?"  &c.,  all  of  which  infor- 
mation he  got  from  the  servants  or  shopkeepers  of  the 
place.  When  a  patient  died  on  his  hands,  he  used  to  say, 
'  He  was  as  good  as  dead  when  he  came." 

The  Handley  Cross  mania  spread  throughout  the  land ! 
Invalids  in  every  stage  of  disease  and  suffering  were 
attracted  by  Roger's  name  and  fame.  The  village  as- 
sumed the  appearance  of  a  town.  A  handsome  Crescent 
reared  its  porticoed  front  at  the  north  end  of  the  green, 
to  the  centre  house  of  which  the  Doctor  removed  from 
his  humble  whitewashed  cottage,  which  was  immediately 
rased,  to  make  way  for  a  square  of  forty  important 
houses.  Buildings  shot  up  in  all  directions.  Streets 
branclied  out,  and  markets,  and  lawns,  and  terraces 
8tret<ihed  to  the  right  and  the  left,  the  north,  the  south, 
the  east,  and  the  we.st.     The  suburbs  built  their  Pros- 

iiect  Houses,  Rose  Hill  Villas,  Hope  Cottages,  Grove 
'iaccs,  Gilead  Ten-aces,  and  Tower  View  Halls.  A 
fortune  was  exi>ended  on  a  pump-room,  opening  into 
sjjaoious  promenade  and  ball-rooms,  but  tlie  speculatoi's 
nf;ver  flagged,  and  new  works  were  planned  Ijefore  those 
in  hand  were  completed. 

A  thriving  trade  soon  Itrings  competition — another 
patientless  doctor  determined  to  tiy  his  luck  in  oppo- 
sition to  Roger  Swizzle.  Oliserving  tlie  fitness  of  that 
worthy's  figui-e  foi-  tlie  line  he  had  taken.  Dr.  Sebastian 
Mello  considered  that  his  jjale  and  sentimental  counte- 
nance )>etter  became  a  grave  and  thoughtful  character. 
»o  determined  to  devote  liimself  to  the  serious  portion 

c 


18  HANDLBT   CROSS 

of  the  popxilation.  He  too  was  about  forty,  but  a  fair 
conirlexiou,  flowing  sandy  locks,  and  a  slight  figure, 
would  let  him  pass  for  ten  years  younger.  He  had 
somewhat  of  a  Grecian  face,  with  blue  eyes,  and  regular 
teeth,  Tieing  with  the  whiteness  of  his  linen. 

Determined  to  be  Swizzle's  opposite  in  every  particu- 
lar, he  was  studiously  attentive  to  his  dress.  Not  that 
he  indulged  in  gay  colours,  but  his  black  suit  fitted 
without  a  wrinkle,  and  his  thin  dress  boots  shone  with 
patent  polish;  turned-back  cambric  wristbands  dis- 
played the  snowy  whiteness  of  his  hand,  and  set  off  a 
massive  antique  ring  or  two.  _  He  had  four  small  frills 
to  his  shu't,  and  an  auburn  hail'  chain  crossed  his  broad 
roll-collared  waisteoat,  and  passed  a  most  diminutive 
Geneva  watch  into  its  pocket.  He  was  a  widower  with 
two  childi-en,  a  boy  and  a  girl,  one  five  and  the  other 
_^  four.     Mystery  being   his    object,  he 

avoided  the  public  gaze.  Unlike 
Roger  Swizzle,  who  either  tx'udged 
from  patient  to  patient,  or  whisked 
about  in  a  gig,  !Dr.  Sebastian  MeUo 
drove  to  and  fro  in  a  claret-coloiu'ed 
fly,  drawn  by  dun  ponies.  Through 
the  plate-glass  windows  a  glimpse  of 
his  reclining  figure  might  be  caught, 
lolling  luxurioiisly  in  the  depths  of  its 
swelling  cushions,  or  musing  com- 
placently with  his  chin  on  a  massive 
»R.  SEBASTIAN  MEi.Lo.  gokl-hcaded  cane.  "With  the  men  he 
was  shy  and  mysterious ;  but  he  could 
talk  and  flatter  the  women  into  a  belief  that  they  were 
almost  as  clever  as  himself. 

As  most  of  liis  fair  patients  were  of  the  serious,  or 
blue-stocking  school,  he  quickly  discovered  the  Isent  of 
each  mind,  and  by  studying  the  subject,  astonished  them 
by  his  genius  and  versatility.  In  practice  he  was  also 
mysterious.  Disdaining  Roger  Swizzle's  one  mode  of 
treatment,  he  professed  to  take  each  case  upon  its 
merits,  and  kept  a  large  quarto  volume,  into  which  he 
entered  each  case  and  its  daily  symptoms.  Thus,  while 
Roger  Swizzle  was  inviting  an  invalid  to  exhibit  his 
tongue  at  the  comer  of  a  street — lecturing  him,  perha]is, 
with  a  friendly  poke  in  the  ribs,  for  over-night  indul- 
gence—Dr.  Mello  would  be  poring  over  his  large  volume, 
or  writing  Latin  prescriptions  for  the  chemists.  Roger 
laughed  at  Sebastian,  and  Sebastian  professed  to  treat 
Roger  with  contemi)t^still  competition  was  good  for 


THE  RIVAL  DOCTORS  AND  M.O.  19 

both,  and  a  watermg-place  public,  ever  ready  for  excite- 
ment, Boon  divided  the  place  into  Swizzleites  and  Mello- 
ites. 

Portraits  appeared  at  the  windows,  bespeaking  the 
character  of  each — Swizzle  sat  with  a  patient  at  a  round 
table,  indulging  in  a  bee's-winged  bottle  of  port,  while 
Mello  reclined  in  a  ciu-iously  carved  chaii',  one  be-ringed 
hand  supporting  his  flowing-locked  head,  and  the  other 
holding  a  book.  Swizzle's  was  painted  by  the  artist 
who  did  the  attractive  window-bluid  at  the  late  cigar- 
sli'>p  in  the  PiccadUly  Circus,  whUe  Sebastian  was  in- 
debted to  Mr.  Grant  for  the  gentlemanly  e  ise  that  able 
artist  invariably  infuses  into  his  admu-able  portraits. 

Just  as  the  rival  doctors  were  starting  into  play,  a  third 
character  slipped  into  Handley  Cross,  without  which  a 
watering-place  is  incomplete.  A  tall,  thin,  melancholy- 
looking  man  made  his  appearance  at  the  Spaf  and 
morning  after  rnoming  pai-took  of  its  beverage,  without 
eliciting  from  widow,  wife,  or  maid,  an  inquiry  as  to  who 
he  was.  He  might  be  a  methodist  preacher,  or  a  music- 
master,  or  a  fiddler,  or  a  fencer,  or  a  lawyer,  or  almost 
anything  that  one  chose  to  fancy — he  might  also  be  any 
age,  from  five-and-thirty  to  fifty,  or  even  more,  for 
strongly  indented  lines  f mTowed  the  features  of  a  square 
and  cadaverous  countenance,  while  intrusive  grey  hairs 
appeared  among  his  thin  black  hair,  plastered  to 
advantage  over  a  flat  low  forehead — straggUng  whiskers 
fringed  his  hoUow  cheeks,  growing  into  a  somewhat 
stronger  crop  below  the  chin. 

His  costume  consisted  of  an  old  well-bnishod  hat,  lined 
throughout  with  black,  a  mohair  stock,  with  a  round 
eml^roidered  shii-t-collar,  and  old  white-el])owed,  white- 
seamed  black  dress  coat,  while  a  scrimpy,  ill-washed  buff 
waistcoat  exposed  the  upper  buttons  of  a  pair  of  much 
puckered  Oxford-grey  trowsers,  and  met,  in  their  turn,  a 
pair  of  square-cut  black  gaiters  and  shoes. 

The  place  being  yet  in  its  infancy,  and  many  of  the 
company  mere  birds  of  passage, the  "unnoticed"  lieldon 
tlie  even  tenor  of  liis  way,  until  he  eat  himself  into  the 
President's  chair  of  tlie  Dragon  Hotel.  He  then  ]>ccame 
a  man  of  iinjtortance.  The  after-coniei's,  h;iving  never 
known  liiiii  in  any  other  situation,  paidliim  tlindet'erence 
due  toaman  wliodiiily  knocked  the  table  witli  a  Iwiiumer. 
and  proposed  the  healtli  of  "  Her  Majesty  tlie  Quoen, 
while  mutu;J  convenioice  connived  at  the  absurdity  of 
being  introduced  l>y  a  man  Avho  knew  notliiiig  of  ciiiier 
party.      Being  of  a  ferreting   disposition,   he   soon   got 


20  HANDLKY   CIJOSS 

acquainted  with  people's  histories,  and  no  impediment 
appearinpr  in  the  waj,  he  at  length  dii})l)ed  himself  Master 
of  the  Ceremonies,  and  issued  his  cards, 

"Captain  Dolicful,  M.C." 

Who,  or  wliat  he  was,  where  he  came  from,  or  any- 
thing about  liim,  no  one  ever  cared  to  inquire.  He  was 
now  "  Master  of  the  Ceremonies,"  and  Masters  of 
Ceremonies  are  not  people  to  ti-ifle  with.  The  visitors 
who  witnessed  his  self-installation  having  gone,  and 
feeling  his  throne  pretty  firm  under  him,  he  abdicated 
the  chair  at  the  Dragon,  and  retiring  to  lodgings  at  Miss 
Jelly's,  a  pastry-cook  and  confectioner,  at  the  corner  of 
two  streets,  opened  books  at  the  libraries  for  the  reception 
and  record  of  those  comijlimentaiy  fees  that  pi-udent 
mammas  understand  the  use  of  too  well  for  us  to  shock 
the  delicacy  of  either  pai-ty  by  relating. 

This  much,  however,  we  should  mention  of  Captain 
Doleful's  history,  for  the  due  appreciation  of  his 
amial>le  character.  He  was  pretty  well  off,  that  is  to 
say,  he  had  more  than  he  spent ;  but  money  being  the 
darling  object  of  his  heart,  he  perhaps  saved  more  than 
others  would  have  done  out  of  the  same  income.  He 
had  been  in  the  militia — the  corps  we  forget — but  he  had 
afterwards  turned  coal-merchant  (at  Stroud,  we  believe), 
an  improsperous  speculation,  so  he  sold  the  good-will  of 
a  bad  business  to  a  young  gentleman  anxious  for  a 
settlement,  and  sunk  his  money  in  an  annuity.  There 
are  dozens  of  such  men  at  every  large  watering-place. 
In  this  case,  a  master  of  the  ceremonies  was  as  much 
wanted  as  anything  else,  for  the  Pump  and  Promenade 
Rooms  were  on  the  eve  of  couvi)letion,  and  there  would 
be  no  one  to  regulate  the  music  in  the  moniing,  the 
dances  in  the  evening,  or  the  anticipated  concei-ts  of  the 
season.  It  Avas  out  of  Roger  Swizzle's  line,  and,  of 
course,  Seljiistian  Mello  disappi-oved  of  siich  frivolities. 

Handley  Cioss  had  now  assumed  quite  a  different 
character.  Instead  of  a  quiet,  secluded  village,  rarely 
visited  by  a  stranger,  and  never  by  any  vehicle  of  greater 
pretensions  than  a  gig,  it  liad  become  a  town  of  some 
pretension,  with  streets  full  of  shops,  large  hotels,  ptiblic 
buildings,  public-houses,  and  promenades.  The  little 
boys  and  girls  left  their  labour  in  the  fields,  to  become 
attendants  on  leg-weary  donkeys,  or  curtseying  offerers 
of  ..wild  flowers  to  the  strangers.  A  lovers'  walk,  a 
labyrinth,  a  waterfall.  grott(je.s,  and  a  robl-ers'  cavo, 
were  all  establislied;  autl  as  the  controversy  between  the 


THE   RIVAL  DOCTORS   AND   !\r.C.  21 

doctors  waxed  wai-mer,  Sebastian  Mello  intevdioted  his 
patients  from  the  iise  of  Swizzle's  Spa,  and  dihitlng-  a 
spring  with  Epsom  salts  and  other  ingredients,  pro- 
claimed his  to  be  the  genuine  one,  and  all  othei's 
spurious.  He  then,  under  the  signature  of  "Galen," 
entered  into  a  learned  and  rather  aciimonious  argument 
with  himself,  in  the  great  London  Medical  Mediator,  as 
to  the  wondei-ful  virtues  of  the  Handley  Cross  New  Spa. 

Galen,  who  led  the  charge,  while  admitting  Dr.  Mello's 
gi-eat  talents,  had  descrijjed  the  waters  as  only  so  so; 
while  Dr.  Sebastian  Mello,  disdaining  the  paltry 
8ui)tei-fuge  of  an  anonymous  signature,  boldly  came 
foi-ward  and  stated  facts  to  prove  the  contrary. 

Galen,  nothing  daunted,  quoted  other  places  as  superior; 
but  his  vehemence  diminishing  in  tlio  ratio  of  the 
doctor's  eloquent  confidence,  he  gradually  died  out, 
leaving  the  doctor  the  undisputed  champion  of  a  water 
capable  of  cui-ing  every  disease  under  the  sun.  Parlia- 
ment being  up,  and  news  scarce,  the  doctor  contrived, 
through  the  medium  of  a  brother,  a  selector  of  shocking 
accidents,  to  get  sundry  extracts  inserted  in  a  morning 
paper,  from  whence  the  evening  ones  gladly  trans- 
planting tliem,  and  the  country  ones  rehashing  them  for 
tlieir  Saturday  customers,  the  name  of  the  waters,  and 
the  fame  of  the  doctoi-,  spread  throughout  the  land,  and 
caused  a  wonderful  sensation  in  his  favour. 

The  effects  were  soon  felt,  for  lodgings  and  houses 
were  \vritten  for  from  all  parts,  and  as  a  crowning  piece 
of  luck  a  railway  was  just  then  opened  out  to  Silverley, 
some  twenty  miles  bey<md,  for  the  purpose  of  supplying 
London  with  lily-white  sand,  which  was  soon  converted 
into  a  paasenger  line,  with  a  station  for  our  rising  Spa. 


CHAPTER  m 

THE   EIVAL  ORATORS 

Thus,  tlicr,  matters  stood  at  Michael  Havdey's  death.  A 
great  to^vn  had  risen  in  the  centre  of  his  country,  the 
resort  of  the  rich,  the  healthy,  the  sick,  and  the  idle  of 
the  land.  Rival  doctors  divided  the  medical  throne, 
and  Captain  Doleful  was  the  self-appointed  "arbiter 
elegantiarum."  The  hounds,  though  originally  hardly  a 
feature,  had  lately  been  appended  to  the  list  of  attractions 
both  in  the  way  of  newspaper  encomiums,  and  in  the 
more  open  notice  of  "  Houses  to  Let."  Indeed,  such  was 
the  fame  of  Michael  and  his  pack,  that  several  corpulent 
cob-riding  bachelors  had  taken  up  their  quarters  at 
Handley  Cross,  for  the  purpose  of  combining  morning 
exercise  and  evening  amusements,  and  several  young 
gentlemen  had  shown  such  an  anxiety  to  get  the  horses 
out  of  the  flys,  that  Duncan  Nevin,  the  livery-stable- 
keeper,  had  begun  to  think  seriously  of  keeping  a  hack 
hunter  or  two. 

This  worthy — a  big  consequential,  dark-haired,  dark- 
eyed,  butler-maiTying  -  housekeeper,  having  run  the 
gauntlet  of  inn,  xjublic-house,  and  waiter,  since  he  left 
service,  had  set  up  in  Handley  Cross,  as  spring-van 
luggage  remover,  waiter  at  short  notice,  and  owner  of  a 
couple  of  flys  and  three  horses,  an  establishment  that 
seemed  more  likely  to  do  good  than  any  of  his  previous 
speculations.  Not  that  he  knew  any  thing  about  horses, 
but  having  resolved  that  ten  pounds  was  an  outside 
price,  he  could  not  easily  lose  much.  As  a  seller  he  was 
less  contracted  in  his  estimates. 

He  it  was  who  first  heard  of  the  death  of  Michael 
Hardey,  and  quickened  by  self-interest  he  was  soon  at 
Miss  Jelly's  with  Captain  Doleful.  Roger  Swizzle  being 
seen  feeling  a  patient's  pulse  in  a  donkey  gig,  was  invited 
to  the  consultation,  and  though  none  of  them  saw  how 
the  thing  was  to  be  accomplished — they  agi'eed  that  it 
v.-ould  be  a  great  feature  to  have  the  hounds  at  Handley 
Cross,  and  that  a  public  meeting  should  be  called  to 


THE   RIVAL   ORATORS  23 

take  the  matter  into  consideration.  Of  coarse,  like 
sensible  people,  tlie  landowners  would  take  their  tone 
from  the  town,  it  beings  an  established  rule  at  all 
watering-places,  that  the  visitors  are  the  lords  paramount 
of  the  soil. 

The  meeting,  as  all  watering-place  meetings  are,  was 
most  numerously  attended ;  fortunately  some  were  there 
who  could  direct  the  line  of  proceeding.  On  the  motion 
of  Captain  Doleful,  Augustus  Barningtou,  Esq.,  a  rich, 
red-headed  Cheshire  squire,  took  the  chair,  and  not 
being  a  man  of  many  words,  contented  himself  by 
stammering  something  about  honour,  and  happy  to  hear 
obsei-vations.  We  do  not  Icnow  that  we  need  introduce 
Mr.  Baniington  fm-ther  at  present,  save  as  the  obedient 
husband  of  a  very  imperious  lady,  the  self-appointed 
Queen  of  Handley  Cross. 

Captain  Doleful  then  squared  himself  into  attitude, 
and  after  three  or  four  ghastly  siiuijers  and  puckers  of 
his  mouth,  complimented  the  husband  of  his  great  patron 
upon  the  vei-y  able  manner  in  which  he  had  opened 
the  business  of  the  meeting.  "It  would  be  superfluous 
in  him  to  waste  their  valual)le  time  in  dilating  upon  the 
monstrous  advantages  of  a  pack  of  hounds,  not  only  in  a 
health-giving  point  of  view,  but  as  regarded  the  prosperity 
of  their  beautiful  and  flourishing  town.  To  %vliat  was 
the  prosperity  of  other  inferior  places  to  be  ascribed,  but 
to  their  hunting  establishments,  for  it  was  well  Icnown 
their  waters  were  immeasurably  inferior  to  what  iht-ji 
enjoyed,  not  only  in  sulphuretted  hydrogen,  but  also  in 
iodine  and  potash.  But  that  was  beside  the  question. 
For  his  own  part,  he  stood  there  upon  public  grounds 
alone  (hear,  hear).  His  numerous  and  arduous  duties  of 
regulating  the  Spas  in  the  mornings,  the  promenades  at 
noon,  and  the  bulls  and  concerts  of  an  evening,  left  him 
but  too  little  leisure  as  it  was  to  pay  those  polite 
attentions  to  tlie  fashionaljle  world  wliich  wore  invariably 
expected  from  a  well-bred  master  of  ceremonies.  Miiny 
of  the  aristocratic  visitors  to  bo  sure,  he  ol)S('rved  by  llie 
subscription  book  at  the  lil»rary,  had  kindly  overlooked 
his  remissness,  unintentional  :ind  scarcely  to  bo  avoided 
as  it  Wii8— iind  he  tnisted  others  would  extend  liini  a 
similar  indulgence.  With  respect  to  the  maintenance  of 
the  foxhounds,  he  confessed  he  was  incompetent  to  offer 
any  suggeHtion  ;  for  though  he  h;id  long  worn  a  scarlet 
coat,  it  was  wheu  in  the  aniiy-ii.  Militia  captiiiu  -and 
liuntiug  formed  no  part  of  their  exen-ise.  Perhaps  some 
Kcntlenian  who  understood  something  about  the  matter 


24  HANDLEY  CROSS 

would  favour  the  moctin^  with  his  ideas  upon  the 
number  of  dojjfs  and  foxes  they  should  keep  (laughter) ; 
the  probable  expense  of  their  maintenance  (renewed 
laughter) ;  and  then  they  might  set  aljout  seeing  what 
they  co\ild  raise  by  way  of  subscription."  The  con- 
clusion of  his  speech  was  greeted  with  loud  applause, 
amid  which  the  Captain  resumed  his  seat  with  a  long- 
protracted,  mouth-stretching,  self-satisfied  grin. 

Mr.  Dennis  O'Brien,  a  big,  broad-shouldered,  black- 
whiskered,  card-playing,  fortune-hunting  Irishman,  after 
a  short  pause  rose  to  address  the  meeting.  "  Upon  his 
honour,"  said  he,  throwing  open  his  coat,  "  but  the  last 
spoken  honoiirable  jontleman  had  made  a  mighty  nate 
introduction  of  the  matter  in  its  time  light,  for  there  was 
no  denying  the  fact  that  money  was  all  that  was  wanted 
to  can-y  on  the  war.  He  knew  the  Ballyshannon  dogs  in 
the  county  of  Donegal,  kept  by  Mr.  Trodennick,  which 
cost  half  nothing  at  all  and  a  little  over,  which  showed 
mighty  nate  spoi*t,  and  that  was  all  they  wanted.  By 
the  powers  !  but  they  were  the  right  sort,  and  followed 
by  rale  lovers  of  the  spoi-t  from  a  genuine  inclination 
that  way,  and  not  for  mere  show  sake,  like  many  of  the 
spaljjeens  of  this  country  (applause).  -  If  the  company 
would  appoint  him  manager-gineral,  and  give  him  a 
couple  oi  hundred  in  hand,  and  three  or  four  more  at  the 
end  of  the  season,  by  the  holy  piper !  he  would  undertake 
to  do  all  that  was  nadeful  and  proper,  and  make  such  an 
example  of  everything  that  came  in  his  way,  as  would 
astonish  his  own  and  their  wake  minds  for  iver.  He 
would  have  foxes'  pates  by  the  dozen.  He  liad  no  fear ; 
faith  none  at  all.  By  the  great  gun  of  Athlone  he  would 
ride  in  and  out  of  the  Ballydarton  pound,  or  fly  at  a  six- 
foot  bi-ick  and  mortar  wall,  dashed,  spiked,  and  coped 
with  Tjroken  bottles !  He  had  a  horse  that  he  would 
match  against  any  thing  that  iver  was  foaled,  a  perfect 
lump  of  elasticity  fi'om  his  shoulder  to  the  tip  of  his  tail 
— the  devil  be  with  him  !  but  when  you  got  on  his  back 
it  was  ten  to  one  but  he  sprang  you  over  his  head  by  the 
mere  contraction  of  his  muscles  !  Faith !  at  his  castle  in 
Connaught,  he  had  many  such,  and  he  would  give  any 
jontleman  or  man  of  fortune  in  the  comj^any  that  would 
fetch  a  few  over  to  England  one  for  his  trouble."  Thus 
Mr.  Dennis  O'Brien  rattled  on  for  ten  minutes  or  more 
without  producing  any  favouralile  effect  upon  the  meet- 
ing, for  having  won  or  bon-owed  money  from  most  of 
them,  no  one  felt  inclined  to  allow  him  to  increase  his 
obligations. 


THE  RIVAL  0RAT0B8  25 

When  he  had  exhausted  himself,  Mr.  Romeo  Simpkins, 
a  pert,  but  simple-looking',  pink-and-white.  yellow-liaii'ed 
youth,  studying:  the  law  in  Hare  Court,  in  the  Temple, 
being  anxious  to  train  his  voice  for  the  bar,  came  f oi"ward 
from  the  crowd  that  had  congregated  behind  the  chair, 
and  looking  very  sheepish,  after  casting  his  eye  into  his 
hat,  where  he  had  a  copious  note  of  his  speech,  set  off  at 
a  hand  gallop  with  the  first  sentence  as  follows  : — "  Mr, 
Chairman  and  gentlemen,  in  presuming  to  introduce 
myself  upon  the  notice  of  the  meeting,  I  assure  you  I  am 
actuated  by  no  motive  but  an  anxious  desire,  such  as 
must  i>ervade  the  breast  of  every  free-born  Englishman, 
every  lover  of  his  country — every — I  mean  to  say  every — 
every  " — here  he  looked  imploringly  round  the  room,  as 
much  as  to  say,  "  What  a  mess  I'm  in  ! "  and  then  casting 
his  eyes  into  his  hat  again,  attempted  to  read  his  notes, 
but  he  had  made  them  so  full,  and  the  novelty  of  his 
situation  had  so  bewildered  him  that  they  were  of  no  use, 
and,  aftr>r  a  long  string  of  stutters,  he  slunk  back  into 
the  crowd  amid  the  laughter  and  applause  of  the  com- 
pany. As  he  left  the  room,  he  dropped  his  notes,  which, 
as  the  reader  will  see  from  the  following  specimen,  were 
framed  for  rather  a  serious  infliction :  '  Presume  to 
address — love  of  counti-y — of  all  out-of-door  amusements, 
nothing  like  hunting — encouraged  by  best  authorities — 
practised  by  greatest  men — Sacred  history — Nimrod  of 
feabylon — Venus  took  the  field — Adonis  killed  in  chase 
— Persians  fond  of  hunting — Athenians  ditto — Solon 
restrained  ardour — Lacedemonians  and  their  breed  of 
speedy  dogs — Xenophone — Olympic  games— Romans — 
Aristotle — Chjpian —  Adrian  —  Ascanius  —  Somei-ville — 
Beekford — Meynell — Colonel  Cook — Nimrod  of  Calais — 
Thanks — Attentive  heai-ing." 

Mr.  A}>el  Snorem  next  addressed  the  meeting.  He 
was  a  grey-headed,  shai-p-visaged,  long-nosed,  but  rather 
gentlemanly  -  looking,  well  -  dressed  man,  who  was 
notorious  for  addres.sing  every  meeting  he  could  get  to, 
and  wearying  the  patience  of  his  audiences  by  his  long- 
winded  orations.  Throwing  back  his  coat,  he  gave  the 
table  a  thump  with  his  knuckles,  and  immediately  pro- 
ceeded to  si)eak,  lest  the  Chaii-man  should  suffer  anyone 
else  t()  (•at<h  his  eye— "Mr.  Cliairman  and  gentlomen," 
said  he,  "  if  I  am  rightly  informed— for  I  have  not  a  copy 
of  the  proclamation  with  me— this  meeting  lias  l)een 
convened  for  the  purpose  of  taking  into  consideration  a 
voi-y  impoi-tant  question  connected  witli  the  jn'osnerity  of 
this  salubrious  spot,— a  spot,  I  may  say,  unrivalled  both 


26  HANDLKY   CROSS 

for  its  health-giving  properties,  and  for  those  rural 
beauties  that  nature  has  so  bountifully  lavished  around. 
In  bringius^r  our  minds  to  the  cabn  and  deliberate 
consideration  of  the  subject — fraught,  as  I  may  say  it  is, 
with  the  welfare,  the  happiness,  the  recreation,  the 
enjoyment,  of  many  of  those  around — I  feel  assured  that 
it  would  be  wholly  superfluous  in  me  to  point  out  the 
propriety  of  exercising  a  sound,  impai-tial,  unbiassed 
judgment — dismissing  from  our  minds  all  political  bias, 
all  party  feeling,  aU  invidious  comparison,  all  speculative 
theories,  and  of  looking  at  the  question  in  its  single 
capacity,  weighing  it  according  to  its  trae  merits,  apart 
from  ail  personal  consideration,  and  legislating  upon  it 
in  such  a  manner  as  we  shall  conceive  wiU  be  most 
conducive  to  the  true  interest  of  this  town,  and  to  the 
honour  and  welfare  of  the  British  dominions.  (Laughter 
and  lovid  coughing,  with  cries  of  "question.")  The 
question  appeared  to  him  to  be  one  of  great  simplicity, 
and  whether  he  regarded  it  in  the  aggregate,  or  considered 
it  in  detail,  he  found  none  of  those  perplexing  diflficulties, 
those  aggravating  technicalities,  those  harrowing,  heai-t- 
bui'ning  jealousies,  that  too  frequently  enveloped  mattei's 
of  less  serious  import,  and  led  the  mind  insensibly  from 
the  contemplation  of  the  abstract  question  that  should 
engage  it,  into  those  loftier  fields  of  human  speculation 
that  better  suited  the  discursive  and  ethereal  genius  of 
the  philosopher,  than  the  more  substantial  matter-of-fact 
understandings  of  sober-minded  men  of  business  (loud 
coughing  and  scraping  of  feet).  Neither  was  it  tinctured 
with  any  considerations  that  could  possibly  provoke  a 
comparison  between  the  merits  of  the  agricultural  and 
manufacturing  interests,  or  excite  a  surmise  as  to  the 
stability  of  the  lords,  or  the  security  of  the  Church,  or 
yet  the  constitution  of  the  commons ;  it  was,  in  short, 
one  of  those  questions  upon  which  contending  parties, 
meeting  on  nevitral  ground,  might  extend  the  right  hand 
of  fellowship  and  friendship,  when  peace  and  hai-mony 
might  kiss  each  other,  truth  and  justice  join  the 
embrace,  and  the  lion  and  the  lamb  lie  down  together " 
— ("  Cock  a  doodle  doo ! "  crowed  some  one,  which 
produced  a  roar  of  laughter,  followed  by  cheers,  whistles, 
coughs,  scraping  of  feet,  and  great  confusion.)  Mr. 
Snorem,  quite  undaunted  and  with  featiires  perfectly 
unmoved,  merely  noticed  the  inteiTuption  by  a  wave  of 
the  right  hand,  and  silence  returning,  in  consequence  of 
the  exhaustion  of  the  "movement"  party,  he  drew  breath 
and  again  went  off  at  score. 


THE  RIVAL  ORATORS  27 

"  The  question,  he  -would  repeat,  was  far  from  being 
one  of  dLfficulty — nay,  so  simple  did  it  appear  to  his 
mind,  that  he  should  be  greatly  surprised  if  any  difference 
of  opinion  existed  upon  it.  He  rejoiced  to  think  so,  for 
nothing  Tvas  more  conducive  to  the  success  of  a  measure 
than  the  unanimous  support  of  all  parties  interested  in 
it ;  and  he  did  hope  and  ti'ust,  that  the  result  of  that 
meeting  would  show  to  the  world  how  coinciding  in 
sentiment  had  been  the  deliberation  of  the  distinguished 
assembly  which  he  then  had  the  honour  of  addi-essing 
(applause  with  loud  coughing,  and  renewed  cries  of 
"  question,  question,"  "  shut  it  up,"  "  order,  order.")— He 
was  dealing  with  it  as  closely,  and  acutely,  as  logic  and 
the  English  language  would  allow  (renewed  uproar).  It 
appeared  to  him  to  be  simply  this — Divest  the  question 
of  all  superfluous  matter,  all  redundant  verbiage,  and 
then,  let  the  meeting  declare  that  the  establishment 
respecting  whose  future  maintenance  they  had  that  day 
assembled,  had  been  one  of  essential  service  to  the  place 
— upon  that  point,  he  had  no  doubt  they  would  be 
unanimous — ("  yes,  yes,  we  know  all  that ").  Secondly ; 
they  should  declare  that  its  preservation  was  one  of 
paramount  importance  to  the  place  and  neighbourhood, 
and  then  it  would  necessarily  resolve  itself  into  this 
("  Cock  a  doodle  doo  ! "  with  immense  laughter)— those 
who  were  of  opinion  that  the  establishment  was  of 
importance  would  give  it  their  countenance  and  support, 
while  on  the  other  hand  those  who  were  of  a  contrary 
opinion,  would  have  nothing  whatever  to  say  to  it.  He 
regretted  the  apparent  reluctance  of  some  of  the 
c<jiiipany  to  grant  him  a  fair  and  extended  hearing, 
Ixicause,  without  vanity,  he  thought  that  a  gentleman 
like  liimself  in  the  habit  af  attending  and  addx-essing 
puljlic  meetings  (laughter)  was  likely  to  clear  away  many 
of  tlie  cobwebs,  films,  mystifications,  and  oVjstructions 
tliiit  hung  in  the  way  of  a  clear  and  iinmejudiced  view 
and  examination  of  the  quostion  ;  butsucn  unfortunately 
being  the  case,  he  shoiild  content  himself  by  simply 
moving  the  resolution  which  he  held  in  his  hand  and 
wo\ild  read  to  the  company. 

"  That  it  is  the  opinion  of  this  meeting,  that  the 
hounds  which  have  hithoi-to  hunted  the  vale  of  Sheep, 
wash  and  adjacent  country,  liavo  contributed  very 
materially  to  the  amuHciuent  of  thn  inliahitants  and 
visitors  of  Handley  Cross  .Spa."  Mr.  Hookem,  the 
libi-arian,  seconded  the  resolution,  whit-h  was  put,  and 
carried  nnanimously. 


28  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Mr.  Fleeceall,  the  solicitor,  a  violent  Swizzleite,  thon 
btood  forward  to  address  tlie  meeting. — He  was  a  tallisli, 
middle-aged,  very  sinister-looking,  bald-headed  gentle- 
man, with  a  green  patch  over  one  eye,  and  a  roguisli 
expression  in  the  other.  He  was  dressed  in  a  claret- 
coloni'ed  duffle-jacket,  a  buff  kerseymere  waistcoat  with 
gilt  buttons,  drab  trousers,  with  shoes  and  stockings. 
After  two  or  three  hems  and  haws  he  began — "Very 
few  countries,"  he  said,  "  were  now  without  hounds — 
certainly  none  in  the  neighbourhood  of  a  town  of  the 
size,  importance,  and  population  of  Handley  Cross;  a 
population  too,  he  should  observe,  composed  almost 
entirely  of  the  aristocracy  and  pleasure  and  health- 
hunting  portions  of  society. — A  couplet  occurred  to  his 
recollection,  which  he  tho\ight  was  not  inajiplicable  to 
the  question  before  them,  though  he  must  observe  that 
he  introduced  it  without  reference  to  any  quarrel  he 
might  have  had  with  a  certain  would-be  medical  man  in 
the  place,  and  without  any  intention  of  injuring  that 
individual  in  the  estimation  of  those  who  were  inclined 
to  place  confidence  in  his  prescriptions;  he  merely 
quoted  the  lines  in  illustration  of  his  position,  and  as 
being  better  than  his  great  and  increasing  business,  not 
only  as  an  Attorney  at  law,  and  Solicitor  in  the  High 
Court  of  Chancery,  but  also  as  a  Conveyancer,  and 
Secretaiy  of  the  Board  of  Guardians,  and  Clerk  of  the 
Mount  Zion  tuna])ike  road,  would  allow  him  time  to  pen. 
They  were  these : 

"  •  Better  to  rove  in  fields  for  health  unbought, 
Than  fee  the  doctor  for  a  nauseous  draught ; ' 

and  he  was  sure  no  one  there  would  deny  that  hunting, 
of  all  pursuits,  was  best  calculated  to  restore  or  produce 
health  and  drive  away  dull  care,  the  ills  and  evils  of  life, 
whether  in  mind  or  body  (applause).  Exercise,  he  would 
say,  without  invidious  allusion,  was  the  best  of  all 
medicines.  They  wei-e  standing  in  the  garden  of 
England.  On  eveiT^  side  Nature's  charais  were  displayed 
around ;  and  Handley  Cross  was  the  capital  of  Beauty's 
empire  (applause).  Within  her  bounds  an  uni-ivalled 
Spa  had  burst  into  existence,  tlie  health-giving  qualities 
of  whose  gushing  watei's  wcjidd  draw  people  from  aU 
nations  of  the  eai-th  (cheers).  Air,  water,  and  exercise, 
he  cont(;nded,  would  cure  anything  that  was  capable  of 
relief  (cheers).  Let  them,  then,  take  measures  for 
inducing  peojjle  to  enjoy  the  pure  atmosphere  from 
other  motives  than  mere  change  of  aii',  and  the  day 


THE  BIVAI.  ORATORS  29 

could  not  be  far  distant  when  quackery  would  fail  and 
hunting  flourish.  His  business,  as  he  said  before,  was 
great — almost  overpowering ;  but  such  was  his  devotion 
to  the  place — such  his  detestation  of  humbug  and 
knavery,  that  he  would  not  hesitate  to  accept  the 
situation  of  secretary  to  the  hunt  in  addition  to  his 
other  numerous  and  arduous  appointments,  and  accept 
it  too  upon  terms  much  lower  than  any  other  man  could 
afford  to  take  it  at." 

Mr.  Smith,  a  Hampsliire  gentleman,  one  of  the 
earliest  patrons  of  Handley  Cross  Spa,  who,  from  the 
circumstance  of  his  lodging  round  the  corner  of 
Hookem's  library,  had  acquired  the  name  of  "  Round- 
the-comer  Smith.''  next  presented  himself  to  the  notice 
of  the  meeting.  He  was  a  smart,  genteelly  dressed  man, 
apparently  about  five-and-thii-ty,  or  forty,  with  a 
tremendous  impedient  in  his  speech — so  troublesome 
was  it  indeed,  that  it  was  hard  to  say  whether  it  was 
most  distressing  to  his  hearers  or  liimself.  After  open- 
ing a  very  natty  single-breasted  blue  surtout,  so  as  to 
exhibit  a  handsome  double-breasted  shawl  waistcoat 
hung  with  Venetian  chains,  he  coughed,  and  commenced 
— not  a  speech  but  a  long  string  of  stutters.  "He  felt 
con-sid-did-did-did-rable  di-di-di-difiiculty  in  pro-no-no- 
no-no-nouncing  an  o-))-p-p-])-pinion  upon  the  matter 
under  con-sid-did-did-de-ration,  because  ho  was  not 
co-co-co-co-conversant  witli  tlie  c-c-country,  b-b-})ut  he 
t-t-took  it  to  be  an  establish-lish-lislied  rule,  that  all 
men  who  h-h-liun-hunted  regularly  with  a  p-p-pack  of 
ho-ho-ho-ho\mds,  ouglit  to  contribute  to  their  sxip-sup- 
sup-port.  He  knew  something  about  h-li-h-hun-hunting, 
and  if  his  hu-hu-hu-liumble  services  would  l>e  of  any 
avail,  the  co-co-co-country  might  command  them.  At 
the  same  time  he  thought,  that  the  h-li-h-hunt  would  be 
more  li-li-likely  to  pros-pros-jjrosper  if  tliere  were  more 
ma-managers  tlian  ono.  and  tbata  co-co-co-co-committee 
would  Ikj  the  likeliest  tiling  under  existing  cir-cir-cir- 
cumstances  to  give  Ha-tis-tis-faction.  -He  therefore 
be-be-ljegged  to  move  tlie  following  resolution.  -That  it 
is  expe-pe-pedient  that  the  Vale  of  She-she-sheepwash 
ho-ho-ho-h(MindH  sliould  in  fu-fu-future  Ite  canied  on  by 
HnbHcrijttion,  ]>y  a  co-(!o-<o-committee  of  management, 
iimlcr  tlie  name  of  the  Ha-lia-lia-liandley  Cioss  ho-lio-ho- 
ImuudH." 

Captain  Doleful  begged  to  "  iJioposc  as  a  fit  and 
projx-r  person  to  be  associated  with  the  honourable 
gentleman  who  had  just  addrcysed  them,  in  the  future 


80  HANDLBY   CROSS 

mamfremeutof  the  pack,  liis  worthy,  excellent,  public- 
spirited,  and  popular  friend,  Augustus  Bamington,  Esq., 
of  Bamington  HaU,  Clieshire,  wlio,  he  felt  convinced, 
would  prove  a  most  valuable  ally  not  only  in  the  field 
but  also  in  superintending  the  home  department,  and 
arrangements,  such  as  himt  dinners,  hunt  balls,  and 
other  entertainments  to  the  ladies,  Avhich,  he  felt  assured, 
it  would  be  equally  the  pride  of  the  hunt  to  oifei',  and 
the  pleasiu-e  of  the  fair  sex  to  accept."    (Applause.) 

Some  one  then  proposed,  that  Stephen  Dumpling, 
son  of  the  dim-pony  riding  doctor,  should  form  the 
third. 

Old  Dumpling  was  dead,  leaving  Stephen  a  nice  fann, 
and  somewhat  independent,  but  the  latter  had  a  soul 
above  the  plough,  and  having  got  a  cometcy  in  the 
yeomanry,  had  started  a  gig  and  horse,  and  drove  about 
Avith  a  cloAATi  at  his  side,  with  a  cockade  in  his  hat. 
Stephen  was  a  goodish-looking,  half-buck,  half-hawbuck 
sort  of  felloAv.  He  was  of  middle  statvu'e,  dark-com- 
plexioned, v.ith  dark  eyes  and  haii*;  but  there  was  an 
unfinished  style  about  him  that  marred  the  general 
effect.  If  his  hat  was  good,  his  boots  were  bad,  and  a 
good  coat  would  be  spoilt  by  a  vulgar  waistcoat,  or 
misfitting  trousers.  He  grew  whiskers  under  his  chin — 
smoked  cigars — and  rode  steeple-chases.  Still  he  was 
an  aspii-ing  youth,  and  took,  as  a  matter  of  right,  that 
which  was  only  done  to  keep  the  farmers  and  land- 
owners quiet — namely,  adding  him  to  the  committee. 

All  this  being  carried  nem.  con.,  the  uniform  was  next 
discussed,  and  gi-eat  was  the  diversity  of  opinion  as  to 
colour.  Some  wanted  yeUow,  some  wanted  green,  others 
blue,  some  both  blue  and  gi-een ;  in  short,  all  gay  colourfj 
had  their  supporters,  but  the  old  scarlet  at  length 
can-ied  it,  with  the  addition  of  a  blue  collar. 

But  the  I'csolutions  wiU  best  describe  the  result  of 
the  meeting. 

The  following  is  a  copy  : — 

At  a  meeting  of  the  visitors  and  inhabitants  of 
Handley  Cross  Spa,  held  at  the  Dragon  Hotel,  in 
Handley  Cross,  to  take  into  consideration  the  circum- 
stances arising  out  of  the  lamented  death  of  Michael 
llardey,  Esq.,  the  late  master  of  the  hounds : 

Augustus  Baknington,  Esq.,  in  the  Chair: 

It  was  resolved. 

That  it  is  highly  expedient  to  continue  the  hunt,  and 
remove  the  hounds  to  Handley  Cross. 

That  Augustus  Bamington,  Henry  Smith,  and  Stephen 


THE  KIVAL  ORATORS  81 

Dumpling,  Esquires,  be  appointed  a  committee  of 
management. 

That  a  club  be  formed,  caUed  tlie  Handley  Cross 
Hunt  Club,  the  siibscription  to  be  three  guineas,  to  be 
paid  annually  in  November,  to  which  the  first  twenty 
members  shall  be  elected  by  the  committee,  and  the 
subsequent  members  by  the  club  at  large— one  black 
ball  in  ten  excluding. 

That,  in  order  to  meet  the  wishes  of  gentlemen 
desirous  of  contributing  more  than  the  annual  sub- 
scnption  of  three  gumeas,  the  treasurer  be  fully 
authoi-ized  to  take  as  much  as  any  one  will  give. 

That  the  morning  or  undress  unifonn  be  a  scailet 
coat,  with  a  blue  collar,  and  such  a  button  as  the 
masters  may  api^oint,  breeches  and  waistcoat  "ad 
libitum." 

That  the  evening  or  di-ess  unifoi-m  be  a  sky-blue  coat, 
lined  with  pink  silk,  canary-coloui-ed  shorts,  and  white 
silk  stockings. 

That  any  member  appearing  at  the  cover  side,  or 
at  an  evening  meeting  of  the  members,  in  any  other 
di'css,  be  fined  one  pound  one,  for  the  good  of  the  hunt. 

Signed,  A.  Baeninqton,  Chairman. 


CHAPTER  IV 

THE     HUNT     BALL 

"  Then  round  the  room  the  circUng  Dowagers  sweep, 
Then  in  loose  waltz  their  thiu-clad  daug-hters  leap ; 
The  first  in  lenijthened  line  mnjestic  swim, 
The  last  display  the  free  unfettered  limb." 

Jot,  universal  joy,  prevailed  at  Handley  Cross,  when  it 
became  known  that  a  committee  of  management  had 
undertaken  to  hunt  the  Yale  of  Sheepwash.  The  place 
had  not  had  such  a  fillip  before— fanners  looked  at  their 
fields  and  their  stacks,  and  calculated  the  consumption 
of  com. 

Duncan  Nevin  took  a  six-stalled  stable,  and  plotting 
a  splendid  sign  of  a  fox  peeping  over  a  rock  at  some 
rabbits,  christened  it  the 

"  NIMROD   mews" 
LIVERY  AND  BAIT   STABLES. 
HUNTERS,   HACKS,   AND   PERFECT  LADIES'   PADS. 
N.B.   A   GLASS   COACH." 

Emboldened  by  svxccess,  he  scraped  together  five-and- 
twenty  pounds,  and  asked  everybody  he  met  if  he  could 
tell  him  of  a  horse  for  the  field.  No  one  with  money 
need  long  want  a  horse,  but  Duncan  saw  so  differently 
when  purchasing,  to  what  he  did  when  selling,  that  he 
seemed  to  have  two  paii-  of  eyes.  To  be  sure,  he  was  a 
good  .judge  of  a  tail,  and  that,  for  a  watering-place  job- 
master, is  something  — "  Don't  tell  me  what  Tattersall 
says  about  rat-tails,"  he  used  to  observe,  "I  like  them 
full,  fine,  and  long.  A  horse  with  a  full  tail  looks  well 
in  the  field,  on  the  road,  or  in  harness,  and  will  always 
bring  his  price." 

His  first  purchase  was  an  old  Roman-nosed,  white- 
faced,  white-stockinged,  brown  horse,  that  bid  can-ied 
the  huntsman  of  a  pack  of  han-iers  for  many  a  year, 
and  was  known  by  the  distinguished  name  of  Bull-dog. 


THE   HTTNT  BALL 


33 


He  was  a  little.  weU-sbaped,  Init  reniarkal>ly  usrly  horse, 
and  had  a  rheimiatic  affection  in  one  of  his  hind  legs, 
that  caused  him  to  limp,  and  occasionally  go  on  three 
legs.  He  was  never  fast,  and  sixteen  or  seventeen  years 
had  somewhat  slackened  the  pace  of  his  yonth;  but  he 
was  a  remarkably  hard-constitutioned  animal,  that  no 
one  could  drive  beyond  his  speed,  and  he  could  creep 
through  or  leaij  almost  anji;hiuo'  he  was  piit  to. 

The  harriers  being  done  up.  the  subscribers  had  hand- 
somely pi'esented  the  huntsman  with  his  horse,  which  he 


came  to  oft'er  Duncan  Nevin  for'his  stud.  "  He's  vnrrar 
like  the  field,"  observed  Nevin,  eyeing  liiiii."})ut  liis  tail's 
Hliocking  Hlia])l)y,  more  like  a  worn-out  wliiteirnr-lmiKli 
than  anythijig  else — our  customers  require  tliiMii  liand- 
Home  — I  fear  he  would  only  do  for  the  field — I  want 
thoni  generally  useful." 

The  huntsman  dfclai-ed  he  would  go  twice  a-week  all 
the  season,  and  olV^red  to  hvip  him  ovrr  a  gate.  This  h<» 
did  so  well, that  Duncan  Nevin  jiriced  him — fifteen  i)oundH 
was  all  he  aksed,  and  he  bought  him  for  ten. 

1) 


34  HANDLEY   CROSS 

A  sixteen  liauds  bad  Lay  mare,  with  a  very  large  head, 
very  li^lit  middle,  and  tail  down  to  the  hoclvK,  was  his 
next  purchase  for  the  field.  She  was  a  showy,  washy,  use- 
less beast,  that  could  caper  round  a  comei-  or  gallop 
half-mile  heats,  if  allowed  plenty  of  breathing  time,  but 
invariably  pulled  off  her  shoes  at  her  leaps,  and  was  a 
whistler  to  boot — she  cut  behind  and  dished  before — 
still  she  had  an  undeniable  tail,  and  her  size,  and  great 
hocks,  as  she  stood  well  clothed  and  littered,  gave  her 
the  appearance  of  a  hunter.  She  was  six  years  old,  had 
never  done  any  work — Ijecause  she  never  could,  and  in 
all  probability  nevei-  would.  The  wags  christened  her 
Sontag,  on  account  of  her  musical  powers. 

Fair  Rosamond,  a  little  cantering  up  and  down  white 
hack,  stood  in  the  third  stall ;  and  when  all  the  three  fly- 
horses  were  in,  which  was  never  except  at  night,  the  six- 
stall  stable  was  full.  The  news  of  the  pui-chases  flew  like 
lightning;  the  number  was  soon  magnified  into  ten — crowds 
besieged  the  mews  to  learn  the  tenns,  and  the  secretary 
wrote  to  know  what  Nevin  meant  to  give  to  the  hunt. 

Everything  now  looked  cheerful  and  bright— the  hounds 
were  the  finest  playthings  in  the  world — they  fuiiiished 
occuiDation  morning,  noon,  and  night.  Every  man  that 
was  ever  known  to  have  been  on  horseback  was  invited 
to  qualify  for  wearing  the  unrivalled  uniform.  Names 
came  rolling  in  rapidly — the  fannei-s,  to  the  number  of 
fifteen,  sent  in  their  five  and  ten  pound  notes,  while  the 
visitors  were  extremely  liberal  with  their  names,  especi- 
ally on  a  representation  from  Eleeceall,  that  payment 
might  be  made  at  their  convenience— their  names,  the 
honoio'  of  their  names,  in  slioi-t,  being  the  principal 
thing  the  conmiittee  looked  to.  Dennis  O'Brien  put 
his  down  for  tive-and-twenty  guineas,  Romeo  Simpkins 
did  the  same  for  five,  Abel  Snorem  promised  "to  see 
what  he  could  do,"  and  all  wrote,  either  promisingly, 
encouragingly,  or  kindly. 

Duncan  Nevin  converted  a  staljle  into  a  kennel  and 
feeding-house,  and  gave  up  his  wife's  drying-ground  for 
an  airing  yard,  into  which  the  jjoor  hounds  were  getting 
constantly  turned  from  their  comfortable  benches,  by 
one  or  other  of  the  committee  showing  them  oft"  to  his 
friends.  Then  the  make,  shape,  and  colour  of  every  hound 
was  discussed,  and  what  some  thought  defects,  others 
considered  beauties.  Tlie  kennel  was  pretty  strong  in  num- 
bers, for  all  the  worn-out,  l)leai'-eyed  hounds  were  scrai^ed 
together  from  all  pai-ts  of  the  "Vale,  to  make  a  show; 
while  a  white  terrier,  with  a  l)lack  patch  on  his  eye— who 


THE  HUNT  BALL  35 

was  re-cliristened  "Mr.  Fleeeeall "— aud  an  elegantly- 
clipijed,  curled,  dressed,  and  aiTane:ed  black  French 
IXMDdle,  were  engraged  to  attract  tlie  ladies,  who  seldom 
have  any  taste  for  foxhounds.  Every  allm-ement  was 
resorted  to,  to  di'aw  company. 

Poor  Peter  soon  hegan  to  feel  the  change  of  sei'vice. 
Instead  of  Michael  Hardey"s  friendly  intercourse,  almost 
of  equality,  he  was  ordered  here,  there,  and  everywhere, 
hy  his  numeroiis  masters ;  it  was  Peter  here,  Peter  there, 
and  Peter  everywhere,  no  two  masters  agreeing  in  orders. 
Smith  would  have  the  hounds  exercised  by  daybreak ; 
Bamington  liked  them  to  go  out  at  noon,  so  that  he 
could  ride  with  them,  and  get  them  to  know  him; 
and  Dumpling  thought  the  cool  of  the  evening  the 
pleasantest  time.  Then  Bamington  would  direct  Peter  to 
go  on  the  north  road,  to  make  the  hounds  handy  among 
caniages,  while  Dumpling,  perhaps,  would  wi-ite  to  have 
them  brought  south,  to  trot  aVjout  the  downs,  and  get 
them  steady  among  mutton;  while  Smith gi-umbled,  and 
muttei-ed  something  about  "'blockheads'  — "knowing 
nothing  about  it."  Each  committee-man  had  his  coterie, 
with  whom  he  criticized  the  ctmduct  of  his  colleagues. 

Autumn  "  bro^vned  the  V>eech,"  but  the  season  being 
backwardly,  and  the  managers  not  exactly  agreeing  in 
the  choice  of  a  whipper-in,  the  ceremony  of  cub-hunting 
was  disjiensed  with,  and  Peter,  with  the  aid  of  Barning- 
ton's  groom,  wlxj  had  lived  as  a  stable-boy  with  a  master 
of  hounds,  was  ordered  to  exercise  the  pack  among 
the  deer  parks  and  jjreserves  in  the  neighbourhood. 
November  at  length  approached ;  the  latest  packs  began 
to  advertise  ;  and  Kirbygate  stood  forth  for  the  Melton 
hoiinds  on  the  Monday.  All  tlien  was  anxiety  !  Saddlers' 
shops  were  thronged  at  all  hours.  Griffith,  the  prince  of 
whip-makers,  oi>ened  an  estaliliHliment  containing  every 
possible  variety  of  hvmting-whip;    and  Latclifoi'd    ap- 

E)inted  an  agent  for  the  sale  of  his  "  persuaders." 
adies  busied  tliemselves  with  jjlaiting  hat-cords  for 
their  favourites,  and  the  l<^w  green  chair  at  the  l)Oot- 
maker's  was  constantly  oricujiied  1)y  some  gentleman 
witli  liis  leg  cocked  in  tlic  air,  as  if  he  had  taken  a  lit, 
getting  measured  for  "  a  ]jair  of  tops. " 

How  to  coniraenc-e  the  sejison  most  ]>rilliantly  was  the 
question,  ami  a  most  diffic^ult  one  it  was.  Dumpling 
tnought  a  '"  fl:in--up  '"  tA'  firf^works  ovt-r-night  would  he  a 
flasli  thing;  Hound-the-conicr  Smith  w;ih  all  for  a  hunt 
dinner;  and  aftei-  <lue  discuKHion  ;ind  the  same  happy 
(lifffrence  of  opinion  that  had  (characterized  all  their 


36  HANDLEY  CROSS 

other  consultations,  Captain  Dolefiil  recommended  a 
hall,  in  the  dehisive  liope  that  it  wonld  have  the  effect  of 
making'  fi'iends  and  getting  anlisci-ibers  to  the  hounds, 
and  be  done,  as  all  contem])lated  acts  are,  at  a  very 
trifling  expense.  There  was  no  occasion  to  give  a  s\xi)per, 
he  said ;  i-efreshments — tea,  coffee,  ices,  lemonade,  and 
negus,  handed  on  trays,  or  set  out  in  the  ante-rooiu, 
would  be  aniijly  sufficient,  nor  was  there  any  necessity 
for  asking  any  one  from  whom  they  did  not  expect  some- 
thing in  the  way  of  sup]:)ort  to  the  hounds.  Round-the- 
corner  Smith  did  not  jump  at  the  proposal,  having  been 
caixght  in  a  similar  speculation  of  giving  a  ball  to  a 
limited  party  at  Bath,  and  had  been  sevei-ely  mulcted  in 
the  settling;  but  Barnington  stood  in  too  wholesome 
a  dread  of  his  wife  to  venture  any  opposition  to  such  a 
measure ;  and  Stephen  Dumpling  mei'ged  his  fears  in 
the  honour  and  the  hopes  of  making  it  pay  indirectly  by 
gaining  subscribers  to  the  hounds.  The  majority  earned 
it ;  and  Captain  Doleful  spread  the  news  like  wildfire — of 
course,  taking  all  the  credit  of  the  thing  to  himself. 

What  a  bustle  it  created  in  Handley  Cross  !  The  poor 
milliner-girls  stitched  their  fingers  into  holes,  and  nothing 
was  seen  at  the  tailors'  windows  but  sky-blue  coats  lined 
with  pink  silk,  and  canary-coloured  shorts.  The  thing 
looked  well,  for  fourteen  candidates  appeared,  all  ready 
to  owe  their  three  guineas  foi-  the  honoiu*  of  wearing  the 
uniform,  or  for  the  purpose  of  getting  their  wives  and 
daughters  invited  to  the  ball.  It  was  fixed  for  the  first  Mon- 
day in  November,  and  it  was  aiTanged  that  the  hounds 
should  meet  in  the  neighbourhood  on  the  following  day. 

Meanwhile  the  comn\ittee  of  management  and  Doleful 
met  every  morning  foi"  the  purpose  of  making  aiTange- 
ments.  sending  invitatious,  and  replying  to  applications 
for  tickets.  The  thing  soon  began  to  assume  a  serious 
aspect ;  the  names  which  at  first  amounted  to  fifty  had 
swelled  into  a  hundred  and  thii-teen,  and  each  day  brought 
a  more  numerous  accession  of  sti-ength  than  its  prede- 
cessor. Round-the-conier  Smith's  face  lengthened  as  the 
lists  of  guests  increased,  and  Dumpling  began  to  have 
his  doubts  about  the  safety  of  the  speciilation.  Baniing- 
ton  took  it  very  easily,  for  he  had  plenty  of  money,  and 
the  excitement  kept  his  peevish  wife  in  occupation ;  and 
she,  moreover,  had  plenty  of  friends,  whom  she  kept 
showering  in  iipon  them  at  a  most  unmerciful  rate. 
Evei-j'  morning  a  footman  in  red  t)lu8h  breeches  and  a 
bIioiI;  jacket  an-ived  with  names  to  be  put  down  for 
invitations.    Doleful  was  in  gi-eat  favour  with  her,  and 


THE  HUNT  BALL  37 

Ly  her  request  he  took  his  place  evei-y  nioi-ninsr  at  the 
t^able  of  the  couimittee-room  to  keep  her  hiisbaud  "  right " 
as  she  called  it.  Of  coiu-se,  with  such  incongiaious 
materials  to  work  with,  the  thiu"'  was  not  an-anged 
without  great  difficulty  and  dissension.  Dumpling  put 
(lovni  his  cousins,  the  three  Miss  Dobbses,  whose  father 
was  a  fanner  and  brewer ;  and  making  pretty  good  stuff, 
"  Dobbs's  Ale  "  was  familiar  at  Handley  Cross,  and  his 
name  occupied  divers  conspicuous  signs  about  the  town. 
To  these  ladies  Mrs.  Barniugton  demurred,  having  no 
notion  of  "  dancing  in  a  hop-garden ; '"  and  it  was  with  the 
greatest  difficulty,  and  only  on  the  m-gent  i-epresentation 
of  Doleful,  that  their  rejection  would  cause  the  secession 
of  Dumi^ling,  that  she  consented  to  their  coming. 
To  divei"s  others  she  took  similar  objections,  many 
>>eing  too  low,  and  some  few  too  higli  for  her,  and  being 
the  daughter  of  a  Leeds  manufacturer,  she  could  not.  of 
course,  liear  the  idea  of  anything  connected  with  trade. 

At  the  adjournment  of  each  meeting,  Doleful  repaired 
to  her  and  reported  progress,  can-ying  witli  him  a  list  of 
invitations,  acceptances,  and  refusals,  with  a  prospectus 
of  tliose  they  tliought  of  inviting.  These  latter  under- 
went a  rigid  scrutiny  l)y  Mrs.  Bamington,  in  aid  of 
which  all  Doleful's  local  knowledge,  together  with  Mrs. 
FribV)le's  millinery  knowledge,  Debrett's  Baronetage, 
and  Burke's  Landed  Gentry  of  England,  were  called 
together,  iind  tlie  list  was  reduced  by  striking  out  names 
with  an  elegant  gold  i)encil-case  with  an  amethyst  seal, 
a.s  she  languished  out  lier  length  on  a  chaise-longue. 
<')ne  hundred  and  fifty-three  acceptances,  and  nineteen 
invitations  out,  were  at  length  reported  the  strength  of 
the  i)arty  ;  and  Mrs.  Baniington,  after  a  few  tlioughtful 
luoments  passed  in  contemplating  the  ceiling,  expressed 
her  opinion  that  tliere  ouglit  to  be  a  regular  supj^er,  and 
desired  Doleful  to  t*»ll  Baniington  that  he  mvist  do  the 
thing  iiH  it  ought  to  l>e,  if  it  were  only  for  her  credit. 
Poor  Doleful  looked  miserable  at  the  mention  of  such  a 
thing,  for  Smith  and  Dnnii)ling  had  already  begun  to 
gniiiii)le  and  ccjiniilain  at  the  niagnitudf»  <>f  the  affair, 
which  they  had  exjMicted  would  have  been  a  more  snug 
ijarty  among  the  members  of  the  hunt  and  their  fjiends, 
infltead  of  beating  up  for  recniits  all  the  country  lound. 
Doleful,  however,  like  a  skilful  militia-uian.  accomplished 
his  object  by  gaining  Duni])ling  o\f'i-  iirat,  which  he  did 
by  ijointing  out  what  an  admiraljle  opi>ortunity  it  was 
for  a  handsome  young  man  like  hiuiself,  just  beginning 
life,  to  get  into  good  society,  and  perhaps  man*y  an 


38  HANPLEY  CROSS 

heiress ;  and  Dumplinpf  Leinj?  rather  a  i^wdding-headed 
sort  of  fellow,  saw  it  exactly  in  that  light,  and  agreed  to 
support  Dolefnl's  motion,  on  the  assurance  that  it  made 
very  little  difPereuce  in  the  expense  whether  the  eatables 
were  set  out  lengtliways  on  a  table  and  called  "  supper," 
or  handed  about  all  the  evening  under  the  name  of  "re- 
freshments." Indeed,  Dolefiil  thovight  the  supper  might 
be  the  cheaper  of  the  two,  inasmuch  as  it  would  prevent 
the  pilfering  of  servants,  and  the  repeated  attacks  of 
the  hungiy  water-drinking  guests. 

This  matter  settled,  then  came  the  fluttering  and 
chopping-off  of  chickens'  heads,  the  wi-inging  of  turkeys' 
necks,  the  soaking  of  tongues,  the  larding  of  hams,  the 
plucking  of  pheasants,  the  skewei-ing  of  partridges,  the 
squeezing  of  lemons,  the  whipping  of  creams,  the  stiffen- 
ing of  jellies,  the  crossing  of  open  tarts,  the  colouring  of 
custards,  the  shaping  of  blancmange,  the  making  of 
macaroons,  the  stewing  of  pears — all  the  cares  and  con- 
comitants of  ball-making  and  rout-giving;  and  Spain, 
the  "  Gunter  "  of  the  place,  wrote  off  to  London  for  four- 
and-twenty  sponge-cake  foxes,  with  canary-coloured 
rosettes  for  tags  to  tlieir  brushes. 

The  great,  the  important  night  at  length  arrived.  The 
sun  went  down  amidst  a  brilliant  halo  of  purple  light, 
illuminating  the  sky  with  a  goodly  pi-omise  of  the  coming 
day,  but  all  minds  were  absorbed  in  the  events  of  the 
evening,  and  foi-  once  tlie  poet's  "  gay  to-moiTow  of  the 
mind "  was  disregarded.  Every  Hy  in  the  town  was 
engaged  nine  deep,  and  Thompson  and  Fleiiris,  the 
opposition  London  and  Pai-isian  peiTuquiers,  had  dressed 
forty  ladies  each  before  five.  Towards  dusk,  young  gen- 
tlemen whose  liair  "  curled  naturally  "  came  skulking 
into  their  shops  to  get  the  "points  taken  off";  after 
which,  quite  unconsciously,  the  irons  were  "  rim  through," 
and  the  apprentice  boys  made  door-mats  of  their  heads 
by  wijnng  their  dirty  hands  upon  them,  under  pretence 
of  putting  a  little  "  moisture  in " ;  while  sundry  pretty 
maids  kept  handling  little  paste-board  boxes  over  the 
counter,  with  whis]>ered  intimations  that  "  it  was  wanted 
in  time  to  di-ess  for  the  ball."  Master  tailors  sat  with 
their  workmen,  urging  their  needles  to  the  plenitude  of 
their  pace;  and  at  dinner-time  there  were  only  three 
gentlemen  in  all  the  place  minus  the  canary-coloured 
inexpressibles,  and  one  wliose  sky-blue  coat  could  not  be 
lined  imtil  the  Lily-white-sand  train  brought  down  a 
fresh  supply  of  pink  silk  fi'om  town. 

Doleful  began  dyeing  his  hair  at  three,  and  by  five  had 


THE   HUNT   BALL  39 

it  as  dark  as  Wan-en's  blacking.  Mrs.  Barnington  did 
not  rise  mitil  after  the  latter  lioiu-,  having  breakfasted 
in  ]jed ;  and  young  ladies,  liaviug  taken  quiet  walks  into 
tlie  fields  with  theii-  mammas  in  the  morning  to  get  up 
complexions  and  receive  instructions  whom  to  repress 
and  whom  to  encoin-age,  sat  without  books  or  work,  for 
fear  of  tarnishing  the  lustre  of  their  eyes. 

Night  (b-ew  on— a  death-like  stillness  reigned  around, 
broken  only  by  the  occasional  joke  of  a  stationary  fly- 
man, or  the  passing  jibe  of  a  messenger  from  the  baker's, 
tailor's,  or  milliner's.  The  lower  rooms  of  all  the  houses 
at  length  became  deserted,  and  lights  glimmered  only  in 
the  upper  stones,  as  though  the  inhabitants  of  Handley 
Cross  were  )-etiring  to  early  rest. 

#  #  *  *  * 

Again,  as  if  by  general  con.sent,  tlie  lights  descended, 
and  in  di-awing-rooms  where  the  blinds  had  not  been 
di-awn  or  curtains  closed,  those  who  stood  in  the  streets 
might  .see  elegantly  dressed  young  ladies  entering  with 
flat  candlesticks  in  their  hands,  and  taking  their  places 
before  the  fire,  with  perhaps  a  satin-slippered  foot  on  the 
fender,  waiting  with  palpitating  hearts  for  their  flys, 
anxious  for  the  an-ival  of  the  appointed  time,  dreading 
to  be  early,  yet  afraid  to  be  late.  Wheels  had  been 
lieard,  but  they  had  only  been  "  taking  up,"  none  as  yet 
having  started  for  the  ball.  At  length  the  clatter  of 
iron  steps,  the  banging  of  doors,  and  the  superfluous  cry 
of  "  Rooms !  "  resounded  through  the  town,  and  the 
streets  Ixjcame  redolent  of  animal  life. 

A  line  of  can-iages  and  flys  was  soon  fonned  in  Bi-am- 
U;r  Street,  and  Hector  Hardman,  the  head  constable, 
with  liis  gilt-lieaded  staff  in  his  hand,  had  terril)le  diffi- 
culty in  keeping  order,  and  the  horses'  heads  and  carriage 
poles  in  their  jdaces.  "Vehicles  from  all  quarters  and  of 
every  description  came  pouring  in,  and  the  greetings  of 
the  post-lioys  from  a  distance,  the  sliingings  of  the  fly- 
men, witli  the  dictatorial  tones  of  gentlemen's  (■oa<liiiieu 
and  footmen,  joined  witli  the  cries  of  the  rabliU;  I'ound  the 
door,  as  the  sky-blue  coats  with  pink  silk  linings  ])oi)ped 
out,  resemldedtlif  noise  and  hulibul)  of  tlirMipcracolonnade 
when  a  heavy  sliower  gi-c<!tH  tlie  (le])a fling  (•<>iiii)iiiiy. 

The  "Ongar  Rooms  "  were  just  fiuisiied,  and  with  the 
exception  of  a  cliarity  bazaar  for  tli«,>  i)ur|)(jse  of 
eatablishing  a  Sunday  school  at  Siena  Leone,  had  never 
been  used.  They  were  a  handsome  suite  of  rooms  on  tlie 
ground  floor,  entered  from  the  street  by  two  or  tliree 
stone  steps,  under  a  temporary  canopy   encircled  with 


40 


HANDLEY  CROSS 


everfrreens  and  variegated  lamps.  From  the  entraiice- 
liall,  in  which  at  each  end  a  g'ood  fire  blazed,  two  rooms 
branched  off,  one  for  ^gentlemen's  cloaks,  the  other  for 
ladies.  Immediately  in  front  of  the  entrance,  scarlet 
foldinfr- doors  with  i-ound  panes  opened  into  a  well-pro- 
portioned ante-room,  which  ajjain  led  into  the  Ijall-room. 
Ranj^ed  in  a  circle  before  the  folding-doors,  stood 
Bainington,*Smitli,  Doleful,  and  Diimpling,  all  grinninj^, 


■WAITIKG    Foil  THE   1  r.V 

and  dressed  in  sky-blue  coats  with  pink  linings,  white 
waistcoats,  canary -coloured  shoiis,  and  white  silk 
stockings,  except  Doleful,  who  had  on  a  crumpled  pair  of 
nankeen  trousei's,  cut  out  over  the  instep,  and  jnickered 
roimd  the  waist.  Dumpling's  dress  was  very  good,  and 
woidd  have  been  perfect,  had  he  not  spoited  a  pair  of 
half  dirty  yellow  leather  gloves,  and  a  shabby  black 
neckcloth  with  red  ends.     There  they  all  stood  grinning 


THE   HUNT  BALL  41 

aucl  bowiuK  lis  the  eutrauces  were  effected,  and  Doleful 
introduced  their  mmieroiis  friends  with  whom  they  had 
not  the  hajjpiuess  of  a  previous  acquaintance.  The  plot 
soon  thickened  so  much,  that  after  bowinsf  their  heads 
like  Chinese  mandarins  to  several  successive  parties  who 
came  pushing  then-  way  into  the  room  A\-ithout  receiving- 
any  salutation  in  return,  and  the  blue  coats  with  pink 
lining'  becoming  too  numerous  to  ali'ord  any  dis- 
tingiiishing  mark  to  the  visitors,  oiu-  managers  and 
master  of  the  ceremonies  got  carried  into  the  middle  of 
the  room,  after  Avhich  the  company  came  elbowing  in  at 
their  ease,  making  up  to  their  mutual  friends  as  though 
it  were  a  public  assembly. 

The  tiddlers  next  began  scraping  their  instiiimeuts 
in  the  orchestra  of  the  ball-room  like  horses  anxious  to 
be  off.  and  divers  puffs  of  the  horn  and  bassoon  soimded 
through  tlie  building,  but  still  the  doors  remained  closed, 
and  Doleful  cast  many  a  longing,  anxious  eye  towards 
the  folding-doors.  Need  we  say  tor  whom  he  looked?— 
Mrs.  Bamington  had  not  anived.  The  music  at  length 
burst  forth  in  good  earnest,  and  Doleful,  after  niuiierou.s 
iufiuiries  being  made  of  him  why  the  ball  did  not 
commf'uce,  at  length  asked  Bamington  if  he  thought  his 
grK»d  lady  was  coming;  when  most  oppoiliniely,  a  buzz 
and  noise  were  heard  outside-  the  folding-dfjors  flew 
ojjen.  and  in  Mi-s.  Bamington  sailed,  with  her  niece,  Miss 
Rider,  on  her  arm. 

Mi-.s.  Bamington  was  a  fine,  tall,  languishing-looking 
woman,  somewhat  getting  on  in  years.  ])ut  with  nuirked 
)»'nidins  of  l>eauty.  "sicklied  oer  with  tiie  pale  cast"  of 
liHtlessness,  produced  by  a  mind  unoccupied,  and  Ijodily 
strength  unexercised.  Her  featui-es  were  full-sized, 
good,  and  regular,  lier  comi)lexion  clear,  witli  dark  eyes 
that  Hoarkled  when  lighted  with  animation,  ]>ut  more 
generally  reposod  in  a  vacant  stare  wliether  she  was 
engaged  in  cfjiiversation  or  not.  Slie  wore  a  sjjlendid 
tiara  of  diamonds,  with  costly  necklace  and  eaiTings  of 
the  same.  Hor  dresH,  of  the  richest  and  palest  j)i7ik  satin, 
wa.s  girdl^^d  with  a  <liamoi)d  Ktoma<-hcr,  aixl  a  Ifngtlicniug 
tniin  HWPpt  majestically  along  the  floor.  Across  her 
l)eautifully  moulded  nnck  and  Hliouidors,  in  gracef\d 
folds,  was  thrown  a  white  Cachmere  sl)awl,  and  her 
ungloved  ann  exhil)ited  a  jirofnsion  of  massive  jewellery. 
Her  entrance  caused  a  buzz  f<jllow('d  by  silence  through- 
out the  room,  and  she  sailed  grao'fuUy  up  an  avenue 
formed  \>y  the  separa*^ion  of  the  company, — 
"  A  (iiiceu  iu  jcBl,  only  to  &II  the  hc«qu." 


42  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Doleful  and  the  manafjers  came  foi*ward  to  receive  her, 
and  she  inclined  herself  slightly  towards  them  and  tlie 
few  people  whom  she  deigned  to  recognize. 

Having,  after  infinite  persuasion,  consented  to  open 
the  liall  with  Dumpling,  and  having  looked  round  the 
company  with  a  vacant  stare,  and  ascertained  that  there 
was  no  one  who  could  vie  with  her  in  splendour,  she 
resignedly  took  his  arm,  and  the  Ijall-room  door  being 
at  length  thi-owm  open,  she  sailed  up  to  the  top  of  the 
room,  followed  by  countless  sky-blue  coated  and  canary- 
legged  gentry,  escorting  their  wives,  daughters,  or 
partners,  with  here  and  there  a  naval  oi-  military  uniform 
mingling  among  the  gay  throng  of  sportsmen  and 
variously  clad  visitors.  Most  brilliant  was  the  scene! 
The  I'oom  was  a  perfect  blaze  of  light,  and  luckless  were 
the  wearers  of  second-hand  shoes  or  ball-stained  gloves. 
There  was  Dennis  O'Brien,  towering  over  the  head  of 
everybody  else,  with  his  luxuriant  whiskers  projecting 
fi'om  his  cheeks,  like  cherub's  wings  on  church  corners, 
with  an  open  shirt  collar,  confined  by  a  simple  blue 
ribbon,  and  a  superabundant  display  of  silk  stocking 
and  calf  from  below  his  well-tilled  canary-coloured  shorts, 
— for  smalls  would  be  a  libel  on  the  articles  that  held  his 
middle  man.  His  dark  eyes  sparkled  with  vivacity  and 
keenness  —not  the  keenness  of  pleasure,  but  the  keenness 
of  plunder,  for  Dennis  had  dined  off  chicken  broth  and 
lemonade  to  be  ready  to 

"  Cut  the  light  pack  or  call  the  rattling  main," 

as  occasion  might  offer  towards  the  morning.  Snorem, 
too,  had  decked  himself  out  in  the  uniform  of  the  hunt, 
and  this  being  his  usual  bed-time,  he  walked  about  the 
room  like  a  man  in  a  dream,  or  a  tired  dog  looking  where 
to  lie  down.  Then  there  was  Romeo  Simpkins,  who  had 
just  arrived  by  the  last  Lily-white-sand  train,  and  had 
all  his  friends  and  acquaintances  to  greet,  and  to  admire 
his  own  legs  for  the  first  time  protruding  through  a  pair  of 
buff"  shorts.  Fleeceall  stood  conspicuous  with  a  blue  patch 
on  his  eye,  pointing  oiit  his  new  friends  to  his  wife,  who 
was  lost  in  admiration  at  the  smartness  of  her  spouse, 
and  her  own  ingenuity  in  applying  the  rose-coloui-ed 
lining  of  an  old  bonnet  to  the  lajis  of  his  sky-Vjlue  coat. 

Now  the  music  strikes  up  in  lull  chorus,  and  Doleful 
walks  about  the  room,  clapping  his  hands  like  a  farmer's 
Ijoy  frightening  crows,  to  get  the  company  to  take  their 
places  in  a  country  dance ;  and  Mrs.  Barnington,  having 
stationed  herself  at  the  top,  very  complacently  leads  off 


THE   HUNT  BALL 


43 


with  "hands  aci'oss.  down  the  middle,  and  up  again," 
with  Stephen  Dumpling,  who  foots  it  away  to  the  utmost 
of  his  ability,  followed  by  Round-the-comer  Smith 
with  her  niece,  Barnington  with  Miss  Somebody-else, 
Romeo  Simpkins  with  Miss  Trollope,  Dennis  O'Brien, 
who  looks  like  a  capering  light-house,  with  little  old 
Miss  Mordecai,  the  rich  money-lender's  daughter,  and 
some  thii-ty  or  forty  couples  after  them.     Mrs.  Baming- 


OAPTAIH    DOLRFUI.   PF.ACHH    FOB   A    COl'NIKV   SAMOE 


ton'H  train  being  inconvenient  for  dancing,  and  liaving 
been  twice  trodden  upini,  upon  reaching  the  l)of  toni  on 
the  tliird  time  down  llie  middle,  hIk^  vcn-y  coolly  takes 
Dnnipling's  arm.  and  walks  off  to  tlie  sofa  in  tlie  bay 
window,  where,  liaving  deposited  herself,  she  dcspatclieH 
Dumpling  to  dcHire  her  husband  not  to  exert  himself  too 
much,  ami  t^)  come  to  lier  the  moment  the  dance  is  done. 
The '(nintry  (lance  In-ing  at  length  finished,  a  quadrille 
(((lickly   followed;    aft«;r   which    came   a   waltz,   then   a 


44  HANDLBY  CROSS 

gallop,  then  another  quadrille,  then  another  waltz,  then 
a  reel;  until  the  jaded  musicians  began  to  repent  having 
heen  so  anxious  for  the  start. 

Towards  one  o'clock  the  supper-room  door  was  heard 
to  close  with  a  gentle  tlap,  and  Doleful  was  seen  stealing 
out,  with  a  selt-satistied  grin  on  liis  countenance,  and 
immediately  to  proceed  round  the  room,  infonuing  such 
of  the  company  as  he  was  acquainted  with,  from  having 
seen  their  names  in  his  suljscription  book  at  the  library, 
that  the  next  would  be  the  "  supper  dance  " ;  a  dance  that 
all  persons  who  have  "  serious  intentions  "  avail  them- 
selves of,  for  the  interesting  purpose  of  seeing  each  other 
eat.  Accordingly  Dennis  O  Brien  went  striding  about 
the  ball-room  in  search  of  little  Miss  Mordecai ;  Captain 
Doleful  iisurped  Stephen  Dumpling's  place  with  Mrs. 
Bai-nington ;  Round-the-corner  Smith  started  after  the 
niece,  and  each  man  invested  his  person,  in  the  way  of  a 
"  pair-off,"'  to  the  best  of  liis  ability.  Barnington  was 
under  orders  for  Dowager  Lady  Tuniabovit,  who  toadied 
Mrs.  Barnington,  and  got  divers  dinners  and  pineapples  for 
her  trouljle;  and  Stephen  Dumpling,  being  now  fairly 
"  let  into  the  thing,"  was  left  to  lug  in  the  two  Miss 
Dobbses  on  one  aim,  and  old  Mother  Do])bs  on  the  other. 

The  simple-minded  couples  then  stand  up  to  dance, 
and  as  soon  as  the  quadrilles  are  in  full  activity.  Doleful 
offers  his  arm  to  Mrs.  Bai-nington  and  proceeds  into 
tlie  supiDer-room,  followed  ]iy  all  the  knowing  ones  in 
waiting.  But  what  a  siilendid  suj^per  it  is !  A  cross 
table  with  two  long  ones  down  the  centre,  all  set  out 
with  turkeys,  chickens,  hams,  tongues,  lobster  salads, 
spun  sugar  pyramids,  towers,  temples,  grottoes,  jellies, 
tarts,  creams,  custards,  pineapples,  gi-apes,  peaches,  nec- 
tarines, ices,  plovers'  eggs,  pra-vvns,  and  four-and-twenty 
sponge-cake  foxes,  with  blue,  red,  and  canary-coloured 
rosettes  for  tags  to  their  brushes !  Green  bottles  with 
card  labels,  and  champagne  bottles  without  labels,  with 
sherry,  &c.,  are  placed  at  proper  intervals  down  the  table, 
— the  champagne  yielding  a  stronger  crop  upon  the  more 
fruitful  soil  of  the  cross  table.  Who  ordei'ed  it,  nobody 
knows,  but  there  it  is,  and  it  is  no  time  for  asking. 

Shortly  after  the  first  detachment  have  got  com- 
fortaVjly  settled  in  their  places,  the  music  stops,  and  the 
dancers  come  crowding  in  with  their  panting  partners, 
all  anxious  for  lemonade  or  anything  better.  Then 
plates,  knives,  and  forks  are  in  request ;  the  "  far  gone  " 
ones  eating  with  the  same  fork  or  spoon,  those  only  "  half 
gone"   contenting    themselves    with    using    one    plate. 


THE  HUNT  BALL  45 

Bamington  is  in  the  chair  at  the  cross  talkie,  with  a 
fine  sporting  device  of  a  fox,  that  looks  very  like  a  wolf, 
at  his  back,  on  a  white  ground  with  "  Floreat  Scientia "' 
on  a  scroll  l)elow,  the  whole  tastefully  decorated  with 
ribbons  and  rosettes.  DunipUng  and  Smith  are  Vice- 
Presidents.  Hark  to  the  clatter !  "  Miss  Thompson, 
some  turkey  ?  allow  me  to  send  you  a  little  ham  with 
it  ?  "  "  Mrs.  Jenkins,  here's  a  delicious  lobster  salad." 
"  Now,  Fanny,  my  ^ecir,  see  you're  dropping  the  preserve 
over  yoiu-  dress  1 "  '"  Oh  dear !  there  goes  my  knife !  " 
■■  Never  mind,  ma'am,  I'll  get  you  another."  "  Waiter ! 
bring  a  clean  glass — (wo  of  them!"  "What  will  you 
take  ?  "  "  Champagne,  if  you  please."  "  Delightful  ball. 
isn't  it  ?  "  ■'  How's  your  sister  ? "'  "  Who'll  take  some 
pineapple  punch  ?  "  "  I  will,  with  pleasure.''  "  I've  burst 
my  sandal,  and  my  shoe  will  come  off."  "  Dear,  that 
gi'eat  awkward  man  has  knocked  the  comb  out  of  my 
liead."  '■  Go  to  see  tlie  liounds  in  the  morning ! "' 
"Susan,  )»i)i(/,  there's  mamma  looking."  "Waiter!  get 
me  some  jelly."  "  Bachelors'  balls  always  the  pleasant- 
est."  "Baruington  is  married."  "Oh,  he's  uohodu  V 
"Dumpling  does  it  and  stuttering  Smith,  there's  no 
Mislrr  Baniington. "  "  There's  the  ca])tain — I  wonder  if 
he  sees  us."  "  Oli  the  .sfoopid !  he  icon't  look  this  way. 
Should  like  to  break  his  provoking  head ! "  "  How's 
your  horse  H  Has  it  leanit  to  canter  ?  "  "  Take  some 
tongue."     "  Champagne,  if  you  please." 

Thus  went  the  I'iittle,  prattle,  jaljlier,  and  tattle, 
until  Mr.  Baniington,  wlio  had  long  l>een  looking  very 
iineasy,  being  unable  to  bear  the  further  fro^vns  of  his 
wife,  at  lengtli  rose  from  his  seat  for  the  most  awful  of 
all  purijoses,  tliat  (^f  monopolizing  all  the  noise  of  the 
room.—  a  moment  that  can  cmly  lie  appreciated  by  those 
who  have  filled  the  unhapijy  situation  of  chairman  in  a 
company  of  ladios  and  genMomen,  when  every  eye  is 
pointed  at  the  unfoi-tuiiate  victim,  and  all  ears  are  open 
to  catch  and  criticize  what  he  says.  "Baniington! 
Bamington  !  chair  I  chair!  order  !  orffor !  Hilcnce  !  "  cried 
a  liuiidi(!d  voices,  in  th'>  midst  of  whi'h  Mr.  lianiington 
tried  to  Kt<>al  ;iway  with  Iiis  speech,  Imt  luid  (o  "  wiiip 
back  "  and  i)Cgiii  again. 

"  Gentlemen  and  ladies  (ordei- 1  order  !),  I  mean  to  say, 
Mr.  Vice-Presidents,  ladies,  and  gontlcnion  (hear,  hear), 
T  bog  to  propose  the  liealth  of  the  Queen — I  mean  to 
say,  the  ladips  who  have  honoured  iis  with  their  jn-esence 
tliis  evening."  Great  applause,  and  every  man  drank  to 
his  sweetheart. 


46 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


Mrs.  Baruington  looked  unutterable  thinpfs  at  her 
spouse  as  lie  sat  down,  for  women  are  all  orators  or 
judges  of  oratory,  and  Avell  poor  Baniington  knew  the 
vigour  of  her  eloquence.  Beckoning  Doleful  to  her  side, 
she  desired  him  to  tell  Baraington  not  to  look  so  like  a 
sheepish  schoolboy,  but  to  hold  himself  straight,  and 
speak  out  as  if  he  were  sumehoch/.  Tliis  Doleful 
interpreted  into  a  handsome  compliment,  which  so 
elated  oiir  unfortiuiate,  that  he  immediately  plucked  up 
coiu'age,  and  rising  again,  gave  the  table  a  hearty 
thump,  and  begged  the  company  woidd  fill  a  bumper  to 
the  health  of  the  strangers  who  had  honoui-ed  the 
Handley  Cross  hunt  ball  with  their  company.  The 
strangers  then  began  fidgetting  and  looking  out  an 
orator  among  themselves,  but  were  put  out  of  susj^ense 
by  the  rising  of  Dennis  O'Brien,  who  returned  thanks 
in  one  of  his  usual  felicitous  and  appropriate  speeches, 
and  concluded  by  proposing  the  health  of  the  chairman. 
Bamington  was  again  on  his  legs,  thanking  them  and 
giving  "  Success  to  fox-hunting,"  which  was  acknow- 
ledged by  Snorem,  who,  being  half  asleep,  mistook  it 
for  the  time  when  he  had  to  propose  the  healths  of 
Smith  and  Dumpling,  to  whom  he  paid  such  lengthy 
compliments  that  the  ladies  cut  him  short  by  leaving 
the  room.  All  restraint  now  being  removed,  the  gentle- 
men crowded  up  to  the  cross  table,  when  those  wlio 
had  been  laying  back  for  supper  until  they  got  i-id  of 
the  women,  went  at  it  wth  vigorous  detennination, — 
corks  flew,  dishes  disappeared,  song,  speech,  and 
sentiment  were  huddled  in  together,  and  in  a  very  short 
time  the  majoi-ity  of  the  company  were  surprised  to 
find  themselves  amazingly  funny. 


CHAPTER  V 


THE   HUNT   COMMITTEE 
"  It  is  onr  opening  clay." 

ANDLEY  CROSS  Inid  a  very 
debauched  look  tlie  iiiorn- 
inf?  after  tlie  limit  Lall. 
Tlie  Oufj^ar  Rooms  Ijein^;- 
lifrhted  witli  windows 
!•  o  u  u  d  the  top,  with 
covered  gralleries  outside, 
for  the  accommodation  of 
iiulliners.  ladies'  maids, 
and  such  as  wsh  to  criticize 
their  masters  and  mis- 
tresses, had  no  protecting 
blinds ;  and  a  strong  party 
having  settled  themselves 
into  "  threesome  "  reels— 
the  gentlemen  for  the  pur- 
pcjse  of  dancing  themselves 
sober,  the  ladies,  like  Goldsmith's  cknvn,  to  try  and  tire 
out  the  orchestra — the  ball  seemed  well  calculated  to 
last  for  ever,  when  the  apjiearance  of  daylight  in  the 
room  made  the  wax  lights  look  foolish,  and  caused  all 
the  old  chai^erons  to  rush  to  their  charges  and  hurry 
them  off,  U'fore  bright  PIkjjIjus  exposed  the  forced 
complexions  of  the  night.  All  then  was  huiTy-skurrjyr ; 
carnages  v/orc  called  up.  and  hnn-ied  off  as  though  the 
plague  had  broken  out,  and  Johns  and  Jehus  were 
ast^^nished  at  tlie  biisll"-  of  ttu-ir  "  mississcs." 

Tlie  last  fly  at  Icugtli  drove  off;  the  variegated  lamps 
round  the  festooned  porch  lx>gaii  glimmering  and  dying 
in  Huccession,  as  Doleful  and  the  remaining  gentlemen 
utood  1x)wing,  grinning,  and  kissing  their  hands  to  tlieir 
denarting  partners,  while  their  blue  coats  iind  <'anary- 
coloured  slioi-ts  exhibited  every  variety  of  shade  uud 
complexion  that  the  colours  are  capabh'  of.  Uoleful's 
hair,  too,  .-isstimed  a  vermilion  hue.  The  town  was 
clear,  liright,   and   tnmfiuil;    no  sound  disturl^d    the 


48  HANDLEY   CROSS 

quiet  streets,  and  there  was  a  balmy  freshness  in  the 
morning  air  that  breatlied  gratefully  on  the  feverish 
fi'ames  of  the  heated  dancers.  The  cock,  "  the  trumpet 
of  the  morn,"'  had  just  given  his  opening  crow,  in  farmer 
Haycocks  yard  behind  the  rooms,  and  the  tinkling  bells 
of  the  oxen's  yoke  came  softened  on  the  air  like  tlie 
echoing  cymbals  of  the  orchestra. 

St.  Greorge's  chapel  clock  strikes !  Its  clear  silvery 
notes  fall  full  uj^on  the  listeners'  ears.  "  One !  two ! 
three  !  four !  five !  six  ! — six  o'clock  !  "  and  youths  say  it 
is  not  worth  while  going  to  bed,  while  men  of  sense  set 
oft'  without  a  doi;bt  on  the  matter.  Some  few  retuni  to 
the  supper-room  to  share  the  ends  of  champagne  bottles 
and  lobster  salads  with  the  waiters. 

Morning  brought  no  rest  to  the  jaded  horses  and 
helpers  of  the  town.  No  sooner  were  the  Rosinantes 
released  from  the  haniess  of  the  flys,  than  they  were 
led  to  the  stable-doors  and  wis2)ed  and  cleaned  in  a 
manner  that  plainly  shoAved  it  was  for  coming  service, 
and  not  for  that  performed.  Bill  Gibbon,  the  club-footed 
ostler  of  the  "  Swan  Hotel  and  Livery  Stables,"  had 
eight  dirty  fly-horses  to  polish  into  hunters  before  eleven 
o'clock,  and  Tom  Turnbiun,  and  his  deaf-and-dumb  boy, 
had  seven  hunters  and  two  flys  ordered  for  the  same 
hour.  There  was  not  a  horse  of  any  description  biit  what 
was  ordered  for  the  coming  day,  and  the  donkeys  were 
bespoke  three  deep. 

If  Duncan  Nevin  had  had  a  dozen  Bull-dogs  and 
Sontags,  they  would  all  have  been  engaged,  and  on  his 
own  terms  too. 

"  Oh,  sir  ! "  he  would  say  to  inquirers,  "  that  Bull-dog's 
a  smart  horse— far  too  good  for  our  work — he  should  be 
in  a  gentleman's  stable — Did  you  ever  see  a  horse  so  like 
the  field,  now  P  I'm  only  axin  thii-ty  pound  for  him,  and 
it's  really  givin'  of  him  away — I  couldn't  let  him  go  out 
under  two  guineas  a  day,  and  then  only  with  a  very 
carefid  rider,  like  yourself.  Cost  me  near  what  I  ax  for 
him,  in  the  summer,  and  have  had  to  p\it  him  into 
condition  myself.  Oats  is  very  dear,  I  assure  you. 
Perhaps  you'd  have  the  kindness  not  to  say  that  he's 
hired,  and  save  me  the  duty  P  " 

A  little  before  eleven  the  bustle  commenced ;  the  first 
thing  seen  was  Peter  leaving  the  kennel  with  the  hounds, 
Abelard,  the  black  poodle,  and  "Mr.  Fleeceall,"  the 
white  terrier  with  a  black  eye.  Peter  was  dressed  in  a 
new  scai'let  frock  coat  with  a  sky-blue  collai',  Ijutt'  striped 
toilanette  \/aistcoat,  black  cap,  new  leathers  and  boots. 


THE    HUNT  COMMITTEE  49 

His  whip,  spixis.  fjloves,  bridle,  and  saddle  were  also  new, 
and  Le  was  riding  a  new  white  horse.  Barnington's 
gi-oom  followed,  similarly  attired;  and  this  being  his 
fii-st  appearance  in  the  character  of  a  whij)per-in,  he 
acted  fully  xip  to  the  designation  by  flopping  and  crack- 
ing the  hounds  with  his  whip,  and  crying,  '"  Co'p,  co'p, 
hounds  ; — Go  on,  hounds — go  on  I — Drop  it ! — Leave  it ! 
— To  him,  to  him  I "  and  making  sundry  other  orthodox 
noises. 

Lamp-black  was  that  morning  in  great  request. 
Bi'oken  knees,  collar,  and  ciaipper  marks  had  to  be 
effaced,  and  some  lequired  a  t(mch  of  lamp-black  on 
their  heads,  where  they  had  knocked  the  hair  off  in  their 
falls.  The  saddling  and  bridling  were  unique !  No 
matter  what  soi-t  of  a  mouth  the  horse  had,  the  first 
bridle  that  came  to  hand  was  put  into  it. 

Stephen  Dumpling's  horse,  having  travelled  from 
home,  was  the  first  of  the  regulars  to  make  his  appear- 
ance in  the  sti-eet.  He  was  a  great,  raking,  sixteen  hands 
chestnut,  with  "  white  stockings."  and  a  Isang  tail  down 
to  the  hocks.  He  was  decorated  with  a  new  bridle  Avith 
a  blue  silk  front,  and  a  new  saddle  with  a  liTinting-horn. 
Steplien's  lad,  dressed  in  an  old  blue  dress-coat  of  his 
master's,  witli  a  blue  and  white  striped  livery  waistcoat, 
top  boots,  and  drab  cords,  and  having  a  cockade  in  his 
hat,  kept  walking  the  horse  up  and  down  before  the 
Dragon  Hotel,  while  Stephen,  witli  a  feverish  pulse  and 
acliing  head,  kept  sipping  his  coifee.  endeavouring  to 
make  himself  believe  he  was  eating  his  breakfast.  At 
last  he  lighted  a  cigar,  and  appeared,  whip  in  hand,  under 
the  arched  gateway.  He  had  on  a  new  scai-let  coat  with 
a  blue  collar,  the  same  (Ad  rod-ended  neck-cloth  he  had 
worn  at  tlie  ball,  and  an  infinity  of  studs  down  an 
ill-fitting,  liadly-wasluHl  sliii-t,  a  Ijuff-waistcoat,  and  a 
pair  of  make-believe  leathers— a  sort  of  wliite  flannel, 
that  after  the  roughings  of  many  wasliings  give  gentle- 
men the  a{>pearance  of  hunting  in  tlieir  di-awers.  His 
l>ootfl  had  not  V>een  "put  straight"'  aft^'r  tlie  crumpling 
and  creasing  they  liad  got  in  his  "bags";  tronseqiiently 
there  were  clivers  patches  of  lilacking  traiiMfr'ne(f  to  the 
t<jpH,  wliilf  sundry  KcnipiiigH  of  j)utty,  or  of  souw^  other 
wliite  and  greasy  matter,  apjjoared  on  the  legs.  In- 
ileiK-ndtMitly  f>f  this,  the  tojiH  retained  lively  evidence  of 
their  recent  scouring  in  thesliape  of  sundry  u|)and  down 
strokes,  iikf  the  first  coat  of  wliito-waHliing.  or  what 
lioiiHt;-|);iint<TS  <;tll  "  priming"  on  a  new  door. 
.■Dumi>ling'8  appoar.inri'  in  the  sli'ocf  \v;in  []\<>,  Mignul  for 

E 


50  HANDLEY  CROSS 

many  who  were  still  iit  their  breakfasts  to  bolt  the  last 
bits  of  mnfliii.  drink  iqi  their  tea.  and  straddle  into  tlie 
passage  to  look  for  hats,  gloves,  and  whiits.  Doors  opened, 
and  spoi-tsmen  emerged  from  every  house.  Ro\md-the- 
cornor  Smith's  roan  mare,  witli  a  Jumting  horn  at  the 
saddle-bow,  had  been  making  the  turn  of  Hookem's 
liln-ary  for  ten  minutes  and  more ;  and  the  stud  of 
Lieutenant  Wheeler,  the  flash  riding-mastei — seven 
"perfect  broke  horses  for  road  or  field."  with  two 
unrivalled  ponies — had  passed  the  Dragon  for  the  eight 
Miss  Mercers  and  their  brother  Tom  to  go  out  upon  to 
"see  the  hoi^nds."  Then  son*y  steeds,  mth  soirier 
equipments,  in  the  charge  of  very  soi-ry -looking  servants, 
paced  up  and  down  High  Street,  Paradise  Row,  and  the 
Crescent ;  and  a  yellow  fly.  No.  34,  with  red  wheels,  drove 
oft"  with  Dumpling's  nondescript  servant  on  the  box.  and 
the  three  Miss  Dobbses,  and  Mother  Dobbs,  in  scarlet  silk 
pelisses,  with  sky-blue  ribbons  and  handkerchiefs,  inside. 
Jaded  j'oung  ladies,  whose  looks  belie  their  assei-tions 
assure  their  mammas  that  they  are  not  in  the  "  least  tired," 
step  into  flys  and  drive  away  throiigh  High  Street,  kissing 
their  hands,  bowing  and  smiling,  right  and  left,  as  they  go. 

Abel  Snorem,  having  purchased  a  pair  of  new  top- 
boots,  appears  in  the  sky-blue  coat,  lined  with  pink  silk, 
and  the  canary-coloured  shoi'ts  of  the  previous  evening, 
looking  very  much  like  a  higli-sherifP's  horse  foot-man 
going  oiTt  to  meet  the  judges.  Not  meaning  to  lisk 
his  neck,  although  liooted,  he  makes  the  fourth  in  a  fly 
with  Mr.  and  Miss  Mordecai,  and  fat  old  Mi".  Cruzzle,  who 
goes  from  watering-place  to  watering-plac(i.  trying  the 
comparative  merits  of  the  waters  in  restoring  appetite 
after  substantial  meals :  he  looks  the  picture  of  health 
and  apoplexy.  Mrs.  Bai-nington's  dashing  yellow  barouche 
comes  hui-rying  down  the  street,  the  bays  bearing  away 
from  the  pole,  and  the  coachman's  elbows  sticking  o\it 
in  a  coiTesjionding  form.  Of  course  all  the  flys.  hoi'.ses, 
and  passengei's  that  are  not  desirous  of  being  driven 
over  by  "  John  Thomas,"  the  London  coachman,  are 
obliged  to  get  out  of  the  way  as  fast  as  they  can,  and 
he  pxills  lip  with  a  jerk,  as  thougli  he  had  discovered  the 
house  all  of  a  sudden.  Out  rush  two  powdered  flunkeys 
in  red  plush  breeches,  pink  silk  stockings,  and  blue 
coatees,  when,  finding  it  is  only  their  <nni  carnage,  n. 
dialogiie  ensues  Ijetween  them  and  Mr.  Coachman,  as 
the  latter  loimges  over  the  box  and  keeps  flanking  his 
ho7'ses  to  make  them  stand  out  and  show  themselves. 

A  few  minutes  elapse,  and    out    comes    the    portly 


THE   HUNT   COMMITTEE  51 

butler,  with  a  "Now  then!  Missis  coming-  down!" 
whereupon  the  Jolinnies  i-ush  to  their  silver-laced  hats 
on  the  hall  table,  seize  their  gold-headed  canes,  pull 
their  white  Berlins  out  of  their  pockets,  and  take  a 
position  on  each  side  of  the  barouche  door.  Mrs. 
Bamini^rton  sails  majestically  down  stairs,  di-essed  in 
a  sky-blue  satin  pelisse,  with  a  sky-blue  bonnet,  lined 
with  pink,  and  a  splendid  white  feather,  tipped  with 
pink,  waving  gracefidly  over  her  left  shoulder.  She  is 
followed  by  Bamington  and  Doleful,  the  former  carrying 
her  shawl  and  reticule  in  one  hand,  and  his  own  lumting- 
whip  in  the  other.  Barnington.  as  usual,  is  well-dressed, 
having  on  a  neat-htting,  single-breasted  scarlet  coat, 
with  a  blue  collar,  and  rich  gilt  buttons,  sky-1>lue  cravat, 
canary-cc)loured  waistcoat,  well-cleaned  leathers  and 
gloves,  and  exquisitely  polished  boots,  witli  very  bright 
spurs.  Doleful,  who  is  rather  in  disgrace,  for  having 
introduced  a  i)artner  to  one  of  the  three  Miss  Dobbses 
over  night.  ;ind  has  just  had  a  wigging  for  his  troul^le, 
sneaks  Ijehind,  attired  in  a  costume  that  would  have 
astonislied  Tom  Rounding  himself,  at  the  Epping  Hunt. 
It  consists  of  an  old  militia  coat,  denuded  of  its  facings 
and  trapi)ings,  made  into  a  single-breasted  hunting 
coat,  but,  for  want  of  cloth,  the  laps  are  lined,  as  well  as 
the  collar  covered,  with  blue :  hi.s  waistcoat  is  pea-gi-een, 
imparting  a  most  cadaverous  hue  to  his  melancholy 
countenance,  and  he  has  got  on  a  pair  of  old  white 
moleskin  la-eeches.  sadly  darned  and  cracked  at  the 
knees,  Hossian  hoots,  witli  large  tassels,  and  black  heel 
spui-8.  He  can-ies  his  hat  iii  one  hand,  and  a  black 
gold-headed  o]tera  cane  in  the  otiier,  and  looks  very 
like  an  itinerant  conjuror.  Wliat  strange  creatures  fine 
women  soniftimos  fan<'y ! 

Mrs.  Baniington  st«'pH  listlessly  into  the  cairiage, 
throws  horsflf  ujxm  tlie  ))ack  seat,  while  Barnington 
and  Doleful  df'posit  themselves  on  tlie  front  one;  the 
dof)r  is  shut  with  a  bang,  the  "Johjini(!s"  jump  up 
behind,  "whit"  cries  the  coachman  to  his  horses,  oft 
they  go.  tho  fat  butler,  having  followed  them  uj)  the 
High  Streft  witli  liis  eyr-s,  closes  the  door,  and  away 
they  bowl  at  the  rate  of  twelve  uiileH  an  houi".  round  the 
Ci-escent,  through  Jireth  Place.  Ebene/.er  liow.  Ajjollo 
Terrace,  i)a8t  the  Archery  Ground,  and  Mi-.  Jackson's 
public  gardens,  and  along  the  Ai)pledove  Roatl,  as  far 
118  the  Mount  Sion  iunipike-gate-  l<;ayiug  pedeHtrians. 
horsemen,  and  vehicles  of  every  kind  iuimeasuralily  iu 
the  distance. 


52  HANDLEY  CROSS 

At  the  ^ate  a  crowd  is  assembled — Jones  Deans,  the 
"pikenian,"  has  wisely  closed  the  l)ar,  and  '"No  trust" 
stands  conspicuously  across  the  road.  As  tlie  carriage 
approaches,  it  is  thrown  wide  open.  Oit"  goes  Jones's 
hat;  Mrs.  Jones  Deans  drops  a  hasty  curtsey,  that 
almost  hrings  her  knees  in  contact  with  tlie  ground; 
and  the  little  iirchins  on  the  rails  bui'st  into  an 
involuntary  huzza.  Jolm  Thomas  cuts  on,  and  turas  at 
a  canter  into  the  grass-field  on  the  left  of  tlie  road, 
where  poor  Peter  has  been  walking  his  hounds  about  for 
the  last  hour  or  more.  WJjat  a  crowd!  Grooms  of 
every  descrijitlon,  with  horses  of  every  cut  and  character, 
moving  up  and  dowTi,  and  across  and  around  the  field ; 
some  to  get  their  horses'  coats  down,  others  to  get  their 
legs  doAvn,  a  few  to  get  their  horses'  coui'age  down, 
others  to  try  and  get  them  up :  some  because  they  see 
others  do  it,  and  others  because  they  have  nothing  else 
to  do. 

There  are  thii-teen  flys  full  of  the  young  ladies  from 
Miss  Prim's  and  Miss  Prosy's  oj^position  seminaries,  the 
foiTuer  in  sky-blue  ginghams,  the  latter  in  pink;  Mrs. 
rieeceaU  di'iven  by  her  dear  Fleecy  with  a  new  hiuiting 
whiij,  in  a  double-bodied  one-horse  "  chay  "  with  four 
little  FleeceaUs  stuck  in  behind ;  Mr.  Davey,  the  new 
apothecaiy,  with  his  old  wife,  in  a  yellow  dennet  drawn 
by  a  white  cai-t  mare;  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hookem  of  the 
library,  in  Jasper  Green  the  donkey  driver's  best  ass- 
cai-t ;  farmer  Joltem  in  his  untaxed  gig,  with  his  name, 
abode,  and  occupation  painted  conspicuously  beliind; 
old  Tim  Rickets,  the  fm-niture-bi'oker,  in  a  green 
garden-chair  di-awn  by  a  donkey;  the  post-man  on  a 
mule;  Boltem,  billiard  table-keeper,  and  Snooks  his 
marker,  in  an  ass  phaeton ;  Donald  McGrath,  "  Squire 
Arnold's "  Scotch  gardener,  on  "  Master  George's 
Pony " ;  and  Sam  Finch,  the  keeper,  and  Thomas,  the 
coachman,  on  the  carriage  horses. 

Enveloped  in  a  large  dirty  old  Macintosh,  in  a  single- 
horse  fly,  with  a  dii-ty  apology  for  a  postillion  on  the 
animal,  with  hands  stuffed  into  his  front  pockets,  and  a 
hunting  whip  ])eeping  above  his  knees,  the  mighty 
Dennis  O'Brien  wends  his  way  to  tlie  meet,  his  brain 
still  swimming  with  the  effects  of  the  last  night's 
champagne.  As  he  diverges  from  the  road  into  the 
grass-field,  he  takes  his  hunting  whip  from  its  jjlace, 
loosens  the  thong,  and  proceeding  to  flageUate  both 
rider  and  horse,  dashes  into  the  crowd  in  what  he 
considers  quite  a  '"  bang-up   way."     '"  Now,   Peter,  my 


THE   HUNT   COMMITTEE  53 

boy  I "'  he  roars  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  as  standing  erect 
in  the  vehicle  he  proceeds  to  divest  himself  of  his 
elegant  "  wraprascal,"  "be  after  showing  ns  a  nin ;  for  by 
the  piper  that  played  before  Moses,  I  feel  as  if  I  conld 
take  St.  Peter's  itself  in  my  stride. — Och  l^lood  and 
'onnds !  ye  yonng  spalpeen,  bnt  you've  been  after  giving 
that  horse  a  gallop, — he's  sweating  about  the  ears 
already,"  he  exclaims  to  a  little  charity-school  boy, 
whom  the  livery-stable  keeper  has  despatched  with  a 
horse  Dennis  has  hired  for  the  "  sason,"  warranted  to 
hunt  four  days  a  week  or  oftener,  and  hack  all  tlie  rest — 
a  raw-boned,  broken-knee'd,  spavined  bay,  with  some 
very  going  points  about  him.  "  Be  after  jumping  off, 
ye  vagabond,  or  I'll  bate  you  into  a  powder." 

Romeo  Simpkins  then  comes  tip-tup-ing  u])  on  a  long- 
tailed  dun,  with  a  crupper  to  the  saddle,  surrounded  by 
tlie  four  Miss  Merrygoes,  all  ringlets  and  teeth,  and  the 
two  Miss  Millers,  all  forehead  and  cheeks, — the  cavalcade 
mounted  by  the  opposition  riding-master,  Mr.  Higgs, 
who  follows  the  group  at  a  respectful  distance  to  see 
that  tliey  do  not  take  too  much  out  of  the  nags,  and  to 
minute  their  ride  by  his  watch.*  Romeo  is  in  ecstasies ! 
He  has  got  on  an  ill-made,  cream-bowl-looking  cap, 
with  a  flourishing  ribbon  behind,  a  very  light-coloured 
coat,  inclining  more  to  pink  than  scarlet,  made  of  ladies' 
habit-cloth,  a  yellow  neckcloth,  his  white  waistcoat  of 
the  previous  evening,  and  very  thin  white  cord  breeches 
that  show  his  garters,  stocking  tops,  and  every  wrinkle 
in  his  drawers;  added  to  whicli.  after  a  fashion  of  his 
own,  his  boots  are  secured  to  his  Ijreeches  l)y  at  least 
half  a  dozen  buttons,  and  straps  round  the  leg.  The 
ladies  think  Romeo  "quite  a  dear,"  and  Romeo  is  of  the 
same  opinion. 

"Now,  Baniington.  don't  ride  like  a  fool  and  break 
your  neck,"  says  the  amiable  Mrs.  Barnington  to  her 
Hapient  sikjusc,  as  he  begins  to  fidget  and  stir  in  the 
cannage,  as  the  groom  jjasses  and  re])asseK  with  a  fine 
brow7i  liorse  in  tii)-tr)])  condiiion,  ;nid  :i  horn  at  tlie 
saddle;  a  recpiest  that  was  coTncvcd  in  a  tojK^  tliat 
implied.  "I  hojK'  you  may  witii  all  my  lieart."  Tlien 
turning  to  Doleful,  who  wsw  beginning  to  look  very 
iineawy  as  mounting  time  approached,  she  added,  in  a 
forgiving  tfme,  "  Now.  my  dear  Captain,  (hm't  let 
Bamiiigt-on   lead   yon    into  mischief;    he's  a   (feitpernfr 

•  At  iiioHi.  wHtf!rinf{-p''»Cf"*  "  "nri)rtiirmU)n  "  nro  lot.  out  li.v  the  hour — 
liiilf-n-crowii  nil  hour  for  11  Ihrcc-loKKi!*'  oiio  ;  tlircu  bliilliugh  for  a  horao 
that  ha>t  four. 


54 


HANDT,EY   CROSS 


rider,  I  know,  l)iit  there's  no  occasion  for  you  to  follow 
him  over  everything  he  chooses  to  ride  at." 

Mrs.  Barninaton  might  have  spared  herself  the  injunc- 
tion, for  Doleful's  horse  was  a  perfect  antidote  to  any 
extravagance ;  a  more  perfect  picture  of  wretchedness 
was  never  seen.  It  was  a  long,  lean,  hide-bound,  ewe- 
necked,  one-eyed,  roan  Rosinante,  down  of  a  hip,  coUar- 


DOLEFUL  BEGINS  TO  FhEL  UNEAST 


marked,  and  crupper-mai-ked,  with  conspicuous,' splints 
on  each  leg,  and  desperately  broken-kneed.  The  saddle 
was  an  old  military  brass-cantrelledj  one,  with  hair 
gii-tlis,  rings  behind,  and  a  piece  of  dirty  old  gi-een 
carpet  for  a  saddle-clotli.  The  bridle  was  a  i-usty 
Pelham,  without  the  chain,  ornamented  with  a  dirty 
faded  yellow-worsted  front,  and  sti-ong,  ci-acked,  weather- 
bleached  I'oins,  swelled  into  the  thickness  of  moderate 
traces — with  tlie  head-stall  ends    flaiiping  and   flying 


THE   HUNT   COMMITTEE  55 

about  in  all  directions,  and  the  choak-band  secured  by  a 
piece  of  twine  in  lieu  of  a  buckle.  Tlie  stiiTups  were  of 
unequal  lengths,  but  this  could  not  he  helped,  for  they 
were  the  last  pair  in  Handley  Cross ;  and  Doleful,  after  a 
survey  of  the  whole,  mounts  and  sticks  his  feet  into  the 
nisty  u'ons,  with  a  self-satisfied  grin  on  his  spectral  face, 
without  discovering  their  inequality. 

"  Keep  a  good  hold  of  her  mouth,  sir,"  says  the  fly-man 
groom,  whose  property  she  is,  gatliering  up  the  reins, 
and  placing  them  in  a  bimch  in  Dolef  ul's  hands ;  "  keep 
a  good  hold  of  her  head,  sir,"  he  repeats,  an  exhortation 
that  was  not  given  without  due  cause,  for  no  sooner  did 
tlie  mare  find  herself  i-eleased  from  her  keeper,  than 
down  went  her  head,  up  went  her  heels,  oif  went  the 
captain's  hat.  out  flew  tlie  militia  coat  laps,  down  went 
the  black  gold-headed  cane,  and  the  old  mare  ran  wheel- 
baiTOw  fashion  about  the  field,  kicking,  jumping,  and 
neighing,  to  the  exquisite  delight  of  the  tliirteen  tly-fulls 
of  pink  and  blue  young  ladies  from  Miss  Prim's  and 
Miss  Prosy's  opposition  seminaries,  tlie  infinite  satisfac- 
tion of  Mrs.  Fleeceall.  whom  Doleful  liad  snubbed,  and 
to  the  exceeding  mirth  of  the  whole  field. 

"  Help  him!  save  him !  "  screams  Mrs.  Baniingtcm. 
with  clasped  hands  and  uplifted  eyes,  as  the  old  mare 
teai-8  past  the  barouche  with  her  heels  in  the  air,  and 
the  loose  riding  M.C  sitting  like  the  "Drunken  Hussar" 
at  the  Circus,  unconsciously  digging  her  with  his  l;lack 
heel-spurs  as  she  goes.  "Oh.  heavens!  will  nobody  save 
him  I'  she  exclaims;  aud  thereupon  the  two  powdered 
footmen,  half  dying  with  lauglitor.  sli]j  down  from 
l)ehind,  and  commence  a  pursuit,  and  succeed  in  catcliing 
the  mare  just  as  she  liad  got  the  Master  of  the  (Jf-remonies 
fairly  on  her  shouldei-s.  and  wlien  another  kick  would 
have  sent  him  over  her  head.  Meanwhile  Mrs.  Barning- 
t(m  faints.  Fans,  water,  salts,  vinegar,  all  surts  of  tilings 
are  called  in  if'f|uisitiun,  as  maybe  supposed,  when  the 
queen  of  HainUey  Cross  is  taken  ill;  nothing  l)\it  a 
recommenihition  from  tlie  new  doctor  that  her  stays 
should  be  cut,  could  p<;ssibly  have  revived  her. 

Peace  is  at  length  restored.  Doleful,  sorely  damaged 
by  the  brass  cantrel  and  the  iiommol,  \h  taken  from  the 
"old  kicking  mare,"  as  she  was  crilhvl  ;it  the  st;iblo.  iind 
placed  alongside  the  expiring  Mrs.  Biirniugton.  in  the 
carriage,  and  having  had  enough  of  Ininting,  Mr.  John 
Thomas  is  firdcred  U>  drive  home  immediately. 

Wliercujion  PcUn-  takes  out  his  watch  and  finds  it 
exactly  five  minutes  to  one,  the  hour  that  he  used  to  be 


66 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


layini;-  the  clotli  for  Michael  Hardey's  dinner,  after  having 
killed  his  fox  and  got  his  horses  done  np.  Bai-ninj^tun 
havinfr  seen  his  wlie  fairly  out  of  sight,  appears  a  new 
man.  and  mounting  his  bro-\Ani  hunter,  takes  his  horn  out 
of  the  case,  knocks  it  against  his  thigh,  gives  his  whip  a 
nourish,  and  trots  up  to  the  pack,  with  one  foot  dangling 
against  the  stirrup  iron. 


m^ism^^ 


THK    MASTEU    OF   THE    CEHEMOITIES    MOUNTED 


Peter  salutes  him  with  a  touch  of  his  ca]),  his  groom 
whipper-in  scrapes  his  against  the  skies ;  and  Baniington, 
with  a  nod,  asks  Peter  what  they  shall  draw  ?  "  Hazleby 
Hanger.  I  was  tliinking,  sir,"  replied  Peter  with  another 
touch;  "  the  keeper  says  he  saw  a  fox  go  in  there  this 
morning,  and  it's  very  nice  lying." — "  Well  then,  let  us  he 
going."  replies  Bai-nington,  looking  around  the  field.— 
'■  No  !  "  roars  Stephen  Dumpling,  taking  a  cigar  from  his 


THE   HUNT   COMMITTEE  57 

mouth;  "Hoppas  Hays  is  the  place;  the  wind's  westerly," 
wetting  his  nnger  on  his  tonsfue.  and  holdinsr  it  np  to  the 
air. — ■■  and  if  we  can  force  him  through  Badgei-  Wood 
and  Shortmead,  he  will  give  us  a  rare  burst  over  Laugley 
Dowias.  and  away  to  the  sea.'' — "  Well,  what  you  please, 
gentlemen,"  replies  Peter;  "only  we  have  not  much  time 
to  lose,  for  the  days  are  short,  and  my  fellow  servant 
here  doesn't  know  the  country ;  besides  which  we  have 
five  couple  of  yoxmg  hounds  out." — "J  say  Hazleby 
Hanger,"  replies  Baraington  with  a  frown  on  his  brow, 
for  he  was  unused  to  contradiction  from  any  one  but  his 
wife.  '■/  sai/  Hoppas  Hays.''  replies  Dumpling  loudly, 
with  an  irate  look,  and  giving  his  l.>oot  an  authoritative 
bang  with  his  whip. — "  Well,  gentlemen,  whichever  you 
please."  says  Peter,  looking  confused.—"  Then  go  to 
Hazleljy  Hanger.''  responds  Barnington.  —  "  Hoi) pan 
Jlai/g  !  "  exclaims  Dumpling  ;  '"  uiind.  Peter.  I'm  your 
master." — "  No  more  than  myself."  replies  Baiiiington, 
"  and  I  find  the  whii)per-in." — "  Where's  Smith  ?  "  shouts 
Dennis  O'Brien,  woi'king  his  way  into  the  croAvd,  with  his 
coat- pockets  Sticking  out  beyond  the  cantrel  of  his  saddle, 
like  a  poor  man's  dinner  wallet.  "'  Here  !  here !  here !  " 
responded  half  a  dozen  voices  from  horses,  gigs,  and  flys. 
■■  No.  Rijiin<l-lhf;-coriicr  Smith  I  mean. "  replies  O'Brien. 
"Yonder  he  is  Ijy  the  cow-shed  in  the  comer  of  the  field;" 
and  Smith  i.sseeniu  the  distance  in  the  act  of  exchanging 
his  hack  for  his  hunter.  He  comes  cantering  ii])  the 
field,  feeling  his  horse  as  he  goes,  and  on  l)eing  holloaed 
to  by  some  score  of  voices  or  more,  pulls  short  round 
and  enters  the  crowd  at  a  trot.  "  What  shall  we  di-aw 
first.  Smith  r* "  intiuires  Mr.  Baraington;  "I  propose 
Hazlel)y  Hanger."  "  I  say  Hoppas  Hays,"  rejoins 
Dumpling.  —  "  Hii-ha-ha-ha-ha-zJeby  Ha-ha-hanger,  or 
Ho-lio-ho-ho-hoppas  Ha-ha-ha-ha-hays!  I  should  think 
Fa-fa-fa-farley  Pa-pa-pasture  l)etter  than  either." — "  Well 
then,  let  us  draw  lots."  re])lied  Dennis  O'Brien.  "  for  it's 
not  rigi)t  keej)ing  gentlemen  and  men  of  fortune  waiting 
in  this  way.  By  the  great  gun  of  Athlone,  but  the  Bally- 
shannon  dogs,  kojit  by  Mr.  Troddennick,  would  find  and 
kill  a  fox  in  loss  time  tlian  you  take  in  <liiilling  about 
whei'e  you'll  (haw  for  (»ne.  See  now,  "  adfled  lie.  jtuiling 
an  old  racing  (Jalenilar  out  of  his  capacioii.s  pocket,  and 
tearing  a  piece  into  slijjS,  "lieie  are  tiiree  liits  of  i)aper; 
the  longest  \n  f(»i-  Ha/,lel>y  Hanger,  tlie  middle  one  is 
Hopjias  Hayo.  and  tlie  short  one  hIijiH  be  Farley  Panture. 
and  Piter  shall  draw;"  whereii)M»n  i^i-niiis  workfil  iiis 
way  tliroiigh  the  crowd,  advanced  into  tiie  middlf  of  the 


58  HANPLEY   CROSS 

pack,  and  just  as  Peter  di-ew  a  slip,  Dennis's  spavined 
steeplechaser  gave  Abelard,  tlie  French  poodle,  such  a 
craclf  on  the  skull  as  killed  him  on  the  spot.  The  field 
is  again  in  commotion,  two-thirds  of  the  young  ladies  in 
pink  ginghams  burst  into  tears,  while  one  of  the  sky-blue 
pupils  faints,  and  a  second  is  thrown  into  convulsions 
and  burst  her  stays  witli  the  noise  of  a  well-charged  two- 
penny cracker.  "  Who-hoop  !  "  cries  Dennis  O'Brien, 
"  here's  blood  already ! "  jumping  off  his  horse  and 
holding  the  expiring  animal  in  mid  air;  "  Who-hoop,  my 
boys,  but  we've  begun  the  season  gallantly  !  killed  a  lion 
instead  of  a  fox  ! "  and  thereupon  he  threw  the  dead  dog 
upon  the  gi-ound  amid  the  laughter  of  a  few  pedesti-ians, 
and  the  genei-al  execration  of  the  cairiage  company. 

We  need  not  say  that  the  sport  of  the  ladies  was  over 
for  the  day.  There  lay  poor  A))elard,  the  only  dog  in  the 
pack  they  really  admired ;  whose  freaks  and  gamliols,  in 
return  for  buns  and  queen-cakes,  had  often  beguiled 
the  weariness  of  their  ^brother's  kennel  lectures.  The 
sparkling  eye,  that  watched  each  movement  of  the  hand, 
was  glazed  in  death,  and  the  flowing  luxuriance  of  his 
v/ell-combed  mane  and  locks  clotted  with  gory  ])lood ! — 
Alas !  poor  Abelard. 

"  Oh  name  for  ever  sad  !  for  ever  denr  ! 
Still  lireathert  in  sighs,  still  ushered  with  a  tear." 

The  hounds  alone  seemed  unconcerned  at  his  fate,  and 
walked  about  and  smelt  at  him  as  though  they  hardly 
owned  his  acquaintance,  when  "  Mr.  Fleeceall,"  the  white 
terrier  witli  a  black  patch  on  his  eye,  having  taken  him 
by  the  ear,  with  the  apparent  intention  of  drawing  him 
about  the  held.  Miss  Prim  most  theatrically  begged  the 
body,  which  was  forthwith  transfeired  to  the  bottom 
of  her  fly,  to  the  unuttera1)le  chagrin  of  Miss  Prosy, 
who  was  on  the  point  of  supplicating  for  it  herself,  and 
had  just  an-anged  a  most  touching  speech  for  the 
occasion.  Eyes  were  now  ordered  to  be  dried,  and  the 
young  ladies  were  forthwith  got  into  marching  order. 
Pink  ginghams  wheeled  off  first;  and  Avhen  they  got 
home,  those  that  did  not  cry  before  were  whipped,  and 
made  to  cry  after ;  while  the  sky-blue  young  ladies  had 
a  page  of  Sterne's  Sentimental  Journey,  commencing 
"  Dear  sensibility !  source  unexhausted  of  all  that's 
precious  in  our  joys  or  costly  in  our  sorrows ! "  &c.,  to 
learn  by  heart,  to  make  them  more  feeling  in  future. 

The  field,  reduced  one-half,  at  two  o'clock  set  oft'  for 
Farley   Pasture ;   the   procession    consists  of  five  flys, 


THE   HUNT  COMMITTEE  59 

twenty-three  horsemen,  four  eig-men.  and  a  strinar  of 
thii-teen  donkeys,  some  carrying  double,  and  others  with 
panniers  full  of  little  folk. 

Dumpling  and  Bamington  look  unamiable  things  at 
each  other,  but  neither  naving  carried  his  point,  they 
ride  along  the  sandy  lane  that  leads  to  the  cover  in 
pouting  sullenness.  The  cavalcade  rides  the  hill  that 
commands  the  cover  in  evei'y  quarter,  where  Peter  and 
the  pack  wait  untU  the  long-di"iwn  file  have  settled 
themselves  to  their  liking.  The  cover  is  an  unenclosed 
straggling  gorse  of  about  thi-ee  or  four  acres  in  extent, 
rising  the  hill  fi-om  a  somewhat  dense  patch  of  undei-wood, 
bounded  on  tlie  east  by  a  few  weather-beaten  Scotch 
fii-s ;  the  country  around  being  chiefly  grass-fields  of 
good  dimensions.  Dumpling  canters  round  the  cover, 
and  takes  a  jiosition  among  the  firs,  while  Bamington 
plants  himself  immediately  opposite;  and  Smith,  deter- 
mined not  to  ]xi  outdone  in  importance,  estal^lishes 
himself  to  the  south.  "  Yooi  in  there  !  "  cries  Peter  at 
last  with  a  wave  of  his  cap.  his  venerable  g'rey  hair 
floating  on  the  breeze ;  ''  yooi  in  there,  my  beauties ! " 
and  the  old  hounds,  at  the  sound  of  his  cheery  voice, 
dash  into  the  gorse  and  traverse  every  patch  and  comer 
with  eagerness ;  "  Have  at  him  thei-e !  "  cries  Peter,  as 
Beimaid,  a  Ijeautiful  pied  bitch,  feathers  roxmd  a  patch 
of  gorse  near  a  few  stunted  Ijirch  and  oak  ti-ees ;  "  have 
at  him  thei-e,  my  beauty!" — "yooi,  wind  him!"  "yooi, 
pusli  him  !  " 

"  Talli-ho ! "  cries  Abel  Suorem,  in  a  loud.  deep, 
sonorous  voice  from  his  fly,  ml^bing  liis  eyes  with  one 
hand  and  raising  liis  hat  in  the  air  with  the  other; 
'■  talli-lio  1  yonder  he  goes." — "  It's  a  hare !  "  exclaims 
Peter;  "it's  a  hare!  jjray  hold  your  tongue,  sir!  jn'ay 
do!  ' — It  is  tof>  late !  the  mischief  is  done.  Three  couple 
of  young  hounds  that  did  not  like  the  gorse.  having 
caught  view,  dash  after  her ;  and  jjuss's  screams  at 
the  comer  of  the  ploughed  field  are  drowned  in  the 
horns  of  tlie  masters,  wlio  commencti  tlie  iiiost  dis- 
cordant tootleings.  jHiffingK.  and  blowings,  as  soon  as 
Abel  Snorem's  talii-ho  was  lifard.  Meanwhile  the 
whipper-in  has  worked  his  way  round  to  th<?  delinquents, 
and.  jumping  off  his  hoi-se,  seizes  the  hind  nuai-ters  of 
puss,  wlierenpoM  Vigihmt  seizes  him  "a  jK)Kleriori"  in 
return,  and  makfs  liini  br-llow  liko  a  bnll.  Tlif  niastei's 
canter  ro>ind,  i\u-  field  rush  to  the  spot,  ami  all  agaiji  is 
hubbub  and  <'onfuHion.  "  Lay  it  into  tlieni !  '  exclaims 
Bamington   to   his   groom    whijiper-in;    "cut   them   to 


60  HANDLEY  CROSS 

vibVions.  the  riotous  Innites  ! "  "  Don't !  "  interposes 
Dumpling,  "I  wont  liave  tlie  hounds  flog'f^ed;"  where- 
upon the  ladies  laud  his  feeling,  and  mutter  something 
that  sounds  very  like  '"  Barnington  and  brute."'  Just  as 
stuttering  Smith  is  in  the  midst  of  a  long  string  of 
stammers  upon  the  question  of  coiijoreal  punishment, 
a  loud,  clear,  shrill  talli-ho  is  heard  proceeding  from 
the  neighbourhood  of  the  fir  trees,  and  Peter  on  the 
white  horse  is  seen  standing  in  his  stirrups,  cap  in 
hand,  holloaing  his  hounds  away  to  their  fox. — "  Hoic 
together,  hoic !  "  and  the  old  hounds  rush  eagerly  to  the 
voice  that  has  led  them  to  a  hundred  gloi-ies. — "  Yonder 
he  goes  l)y  Mersham  Hatch,  and  away  for  Downleigh- 
crag,"  exclaims  a  lad  in  a  tree,  and  eyes  are  strained  in 
the  direction  that  he  points. 

"  FoiTai-d  away !  foiTard."  "  Crack !  crack !  "  go  a 
score  of  whips ;  "  talli-ho ! "  scream  a  dozen  voices. 
"  Away !  away !  away  !  "  holloas  Peter,  settling  himself 
into  his  saddle.  "  Away !  away !  away !  "  echoes  the 
groom-whippei'-in,  as  he  stands  rubbing  himself,  debating 
whether  to  mount  or  go  home  to  the  doctor.  Barnington 
races  round  the  cover.  Dumpling  takes  the  opposite 
side,  followed  by  Smith,  and  Dennis  O'Brien  shoves  his 
spavined  steed  straight  through  the  cover,  and  goes 
bounding  over  the  high  gorse  like  a  boat  off  a  rough 
shore.  Ilomeo  Simpkins  and  his  tail  trot  after  a  fat 
old  gentleman  on  a  black  cob,  di-essed  in  a  single- 
breasted  green  coat,  with  mahogany-coloured  top-boots, 
and  a  broad-brimmed  hat,  who  makes  for  Ashley  Lane, 
from  thence  over  Downley  Hill,  from  whence  there  is  a 
full  view  of  the  pack  nmning  like  wildfire  over  the 
large  grass  enclosure  near  Ravensdeen  village,  with  no 
one  but  Peter  within  a  quarter  of  a  mile  of  them. 
Away  they  speed;  and  just  as  Peter's  white  horse  looks 
like  a  pigeon  in  the  distance,  and  the  rest  diminish 
into  black  specks,  a  cum'e  to  the  left  brings  them  past 
Ai-thingworth  cluuip,  leaving  the  old  tower  on  the  right, 
and,  skiiiing  the  side  of  Branston  Wood,  far  in  the 
distance  they  enter  upon  the  tract  of  chalky  land  beyond. 
The  old  gentleman's  eye  catches  fresh  fire  at  the  sight ; 
he  takes  off  his  low-crowned  hat,  and  mops  his  bald 
head  with  a  substantial  snuff-coloured  bandana,  and 
again  bumps  off  at  a  trot.  He  pounds  along  the  lanes, 
turning  first  to  the  right  then  to  the  left ;  now  stopping 
to  listen,  now  cutting  through  the  backs  of  farm 
buildings,  now  following  an  almost  imperceptible  cart- 
track    thi'ough  a   line    of    field-gates,   until    he    gains 


THE   HUNT   COMMITTEE  61 

SuiTendeu  Lane,  where  he  pulls  up  short  and  listens. 
"  Hark ! "  he  exclaims,  holding  up  his  hand  to  Rouieo 
and  his  female  friends,  who  are  gig-gling-  and  tittering 
at  the  delightful  canter  they  have  had ;  "  hark ! "  he 
repeats,  in  a  somewhat  louder  voice.  A  short  sharp 
chii-p  is  borne  on  the  breeze ;  it  is  Heroine  all  but 
running  mute.  A  deeper  note  follows, — another,  and 
another,  which  gradually  swell  into  chorus  as  the  pack 
cany  the  scent  across  the  fallow,  and  get  upon  turf 
nearer  hand.  Tlie  old  gentleman  is  in  ecstasies.  He 
can  hardly  contain  himself.  He  pulls  his  cob  across 
the  lane ;  his  hat  is  in  the  air,  no  one  views  the  fox  but 
himself,  the  hoiuids  jjom-  into  the  lane;  a  momentary 
check  ensues.  Villager  speaks  to  it  in  the  next  field; 
Dexterous  has  it  too, — and  Coroner,  Harmony,  Funny  lass, 
and  Ravenous  join  cry  ! — they  run  the  hedge-row — a 
snap  and  crack  is  heard  just  by  the  large  ash  tree. 
"  Whoo-whoop  I  "  holloas  the  old  gentleman,  putting  his 
finger  in  liis  ear,  and  Peter  comes  bounding  over  the 
fence,  and  is  among  his  pack  fighting  for  the  fox. 

Then  up  come  the  field,  the  horses  heaving,  panting 
and  blowing,  all  in  a  white  lather,  and  the  perspiration 
streaming  off  the  red  faces  of  riders.  There  has  been  a 
desperately  jealous  tussle  between  Baniington  and 
Dumpling  which  should  ride  first ;  and  nothing  ])ut  the 
badness  of  the  start  has  prevented  their  being  before  the 
hounds.  Dumpling  has  knocked  in  the  crown  of  a  new 
eiglit-and-sixpenny  hat  ;  while  a  strong  grower  that  lie 
l-)ore  V>efore  him  through  a  stiff  1>ullfinch,  returned  with 
a  switch  across  Barnington's  nose,  that  knocked  all  the 
skin  oft"  the  bridge. 

"I  claim  tlie  Inrush!"  exclaimed  Dumpling,  still  in  the 
air.  "No  such  thing!"  responds  Baniington,  as  they 
land  together  in  tlie  deo))  lane,  from  the  top  of  the  high 
bank  with  a  strongly  j)lea(hed  hedge  on  the  top.  "  I  say 
it's  mine!"  "I  say  it  isn't!"  "I  say  it  is!  "Peter, 
it's  mine !  "  "  PeU;r,  it  isn't !  "  "  At  your  peril  give  it  to 
liim  I  "     "  You  give  it  to  me,  or  I  discliarge  you  !  " 

"Well,  gentlemen,"  ro])lifH  Peter,  laying  the  fox  before 
liiiii,  "  whichever  way  you  |)leaHe."  "Then,  give  it  me." 
"No,  give  it  me."  "Isn't  it  mine,  siri'"  says  Diniii»ling, 
ap]>ealiiig  to  the  gentlemen  (^n  the  c()l>,  "my  horse 
ttmched  ground  first,  and,  a<'Cording  to  all  the  laws  of 
steejjlechasing  that  ever  I'vf;  hfard.  or  read  of  in  '  Bell's 
liift',' f>r  eiwwheip,  that's  (|pciKi\<'  "  "  I  Hlmuld  say  it  was 
Sqiiiie  Hart  ley's,"  oliHcrvcd  I'ctcr.  looking  at  the  green- 
coated  gentleman  on  the  (!ob. 


62  HANDLET   CROSS 

'■  Squire  Hartley's !  "  exclaimed  Duiiipling  and  Baniing- 
toii  at  the  same  moment ;  "  Squire  Hartley's !  How  (!an 
that  be  ?  He's  not  even  a  member  of  the  hunt,  and 
doesn't  give  a  farthing  to  it."  "It  was  his  cover  we  found 
in,"  replies  Peter;  "and  in  old  master's  time  we  alwa.ys 
gave  the  bnish  to  whoever  was  first  up."  "  Fivst  up  !  " 
roars  Dumpling,  "why,  he's  never  been  out  of  a  trot!" 
"  And  ridden  the  road !  "  adds  Baniington.  "  What  do 
we  Icnow  aT)Out  your  old  master?"  rejoins  Dumpling,  "he 
was  a  skirting,  nicking,  Macadamizing  old  screw."  "  He 
was  a  better  sportsman  than  ever  you  will  be,"  replied 
Peter,  his  eyes  sparkling  anger  as  he  spoke.  "  Let  us 
have  none  of  your  impertinence,"  replies  Barnington. 
nettled  at  the  disrespect  towards  a  member  of  the 
committee  ;  and  let  me  advise  yon  to  remember  that  you 
hunt  these  hounds  for  the  amusement  of  your  mastei's, 
and  not  for  your  own  pleasure,  and  you  had  better  take 
care  how  you  steal  away  with  your  fox  again  as  you  did 
just  now."  "  That  he  ha-ha-ha-ha,d,"  exclaims  Round-the- 
corner  Smith,  as  he  creeps  down  the  side  of  the  bank, 
holding  by  the  pommel  ot  his  saddle,  into  the  lane,  after 
having  ridden  the  line  with  great  assiduity  without 
seeing  a  Ijit  of  the  run ;  "  I  never  saw  such  an  impudent 
thing  done  in  all  the  whole  course  of  my  li-li-li-life 
before." 

Poor  Petei"  made  no  reply.  An  invohmtary  teai-  started 
into  the  corner  of  his  eye,  when,  having  broken  up  his 
fox,  he  called  his  hounds  together  and  turned  his  horse's 
head  towards  home,  at  the  thought  of  the  change  he 
had  lived  to  see.  Arrived  at  Handley  Cross,  he  fed  liis 
hounds,  dressed  his  horse,  :nid  tlien,  paying  a  visit  to 
each  of  his  masters,  respectfully  resigned  the  situation  of 
"  huntsman  to  the  committee  of  management  of  the 
Handley  Cross  foxdiounds." 


CHAPTER  VI 

THE   CLIMAX  OF   DISASTER 

"  A  FELLOW  feelintf  makes  us  wondvons  kind."  says  the 
a<latre.  and  the  present  case  was  no  exception  to  the  rule. 
Our  tliree  masters,  liavinpr  slept  on  their  visit  from  Peter, 
met  tlie  next  moi-niiiK.  when  all  jealousies  were  mei-ged 
in  abuse  of  the  huntsman.  He  was  everything  tliat  was 
had,  and  they  unanimously  resolved  that  tlicy  were 
exti-emely  lucky  in  frettiufj  rid  of  him.  '"  Aiiylioily  could 
hunt  a  pack  of  hoinids,"  and  the  only  difficulty  they 
antic-ipated  was  the  possibility  of  the  iJ-room-whipper-in 
not  ])eingr  sufficiently  recovered  from  his  bite  from  the 
hound  to  be  able  to  take  the  field  on  the  Fri(hi,y.  for  which 
day  the  hounds  were  advertised  to  meet  at  Meddiniiley, 
three  miles  down  the  vale,  in  the  cream  of  their  country. 
Bamington  would  have  no  difficulty  in  huntintf  them  if 
any  one  would  whi))-in  to  him;  Dumpliufr  was  equally 
cxjufident;  and  Smith  said  he  had  no  "  lie-he-he-he-si- 
tation  about  tlie  mattei-."  It  was  therefore  aiTanyed 
that  each  should  lend  a  hand,  and  hunt,  oi'  turn  the 
hounds,  as  occasion  required,  and  let  the  world  at  larj?e, 
and  Peter  in  parti(-xda)',  see  wliat  little  occasion  they 
had  for  his  sei-vices.  Meanwhile  Beckford,  Cook, 
Scrutjitar.  and  others,  were  persevei-iufrly  studied. 

Friday  came,  but  like  an  old  "  Oaks  day  "  it  was  vei-y 
lant^uid  and  fi-f-ble;  there  was  no  ])olishinf^  of  hack 
hunters,  no  liorrowinj;  of  l>ridles  or  lending;  (if  saddhjs, 
no  l)U8tle  or  hiiny  ])erceptible  in  the  streets;  the  water- 
drinkei-H  flocked  to  tlu-  wells  as  usual,  and  none  b\it  the 
rejrulars  todk  the  field.  Amoiij;  the  uiiimIxt  was  <»ur 
old  friend  Sfjuire  Hartley  on  his  black  cob,  attired  in  the 
same  jp'een  coat,  the  same  brown  toiJ-boots,  and  the 
same  low-crowned  hat  as  liefore.  Snorem  and  Doleful 
came  in  a  trit,'  in  the  insjief^tion  style,  and  Dennis 
O'Brien  smokr-d  three  ci<.'arH  ]>('U>rp.  any  one  looked  at 
his  watch  to  see  how  the  time  went. 

At  length  Sipiire  H;iitley  ventured  to  inquire  if  tiiere 


64  HANDLBY   CROSS 

was  any  possibility  of  the  sei-vant  havinij:  mistaken  his 
way,  whereupon  it  simultaneously  occurred  to  the  trio 
that  there  mi<>:ht  l>e  somethintr  wrong'.  Joe  had  orders 
to  hring-  the  hoiinds  by  an  unfrequented  lane,  so  as  to 
avoid  collecting  f()ot-i:>eople,  and  after  another  quarter 
of  an  hoiir  spent  in  suspense,  the  field  proceeded  in  the 
direction  they  oupfht  to  come.  On  rising  a  gentle 
eminence  out  of  Sa.ndyford  Lane,  a  scarlet-coated  num 
was  seen  in  the  distance  standing  in  tlie  middle  of  a 
l)loughed  field,  and  a  fnstian-coated  horseman  was 
galloping  about  it,  endeavouring  to  turn  the  hoimds  to 
the  former,  but  in  consequence  of  riding  at  them  instead 
of  getting  round  them,  he  made  the  hounds  fly  in  all 
directions.  The  cavalcade  then  pressed  on,  horns  were 
drawn  from  their  cases,  and  our  three  masters  cantered 
into  the  field  puffing  and  l)lowing  most  unsatisfactory 
and  discordant  blasts.  Joe  then  disclosed  Jiow  the 
pack  had  broke  away  on  winding  a  dead  horse  hard  by, 
and  how,  aftei"  most  inefL'ectual  efforts  to  tura  them, 
he  had  lent  a  countryman  his  horse  and  whip,  while  he 
stood  in  the  field  holloaing  and  coaxing  them  away. 

This  feat  Ijeing  accomplished  through  the  assistance 
of  the  field,  the  hounds,  with  somewhat  distended  sides, 
proceeded  sluggishly  to  the  cover.  It  was  a  long 
straggling  gorse  on  a  hillside,  with  a  large  qnan-y  hole 
at  the  far  end,  which,  from  long  disuse,  had  grown  np 
with  broom,  furze,  and  biitshwood.  The  hounds  seemed 
very  easy  aliout  the  mattei',  and  some  laid  dovni,  while 
others  stood  gazing  about  the  cover.  At  length  our 
masters  agreed  that  it  was  time  to  thi-ow  oft',  so  they 
began,  as  they  had  seen  Peter,  with  a  whistle  and  a 
slight  wave  of  the  hand,  thinking  to  see  the  pack  rush  in 
at  the  signal, — no  such  thing,  however ;  not  a  single 
hound  moved  a  muscle,  and  three  or  foin*  of  the  young 
(mes  most  audaciously  sat  do^vn  on  the  spot.  The 
gentleman  on  the  black  cob  smiled. 

"  Yooi  over  there ! "  cried  Banrington.  taking  off  his 
hat  and  standing  erect  in  the  stiiTups. 

"  Yooi  over  there !  get  to  cover,  hounds,  get  to  cover !  " 
screamed  whipper-in  Joe,  commencing  a  most  furious 
onset  among  tlie  sitters,  whereupon  some  jumped  and 
others  crept  into  cover  and  quietly  laid  themselves  down 
for  a  nap.  Five  or  six  couples  of  old  hounds,  however, 
that  had  not  quite  gorged  themselves  with  horse-flesh, 
worked  the  cover  well ;  and,  as  foxes  abounded,  it  was 
not  long  lief  ore  <>uv  friend  on  the  col)  saw  one  stealing 
away  u^j  the  brook  that  girded  the  base  of  the  hills, 


THE   CLIMAX  OF   DISASTER 


65 


which,  but  for  liis  eagle  eye,  would  have  got  off 
unperceived. 

■  Talli-lio  I  "  cried  the  old  gentleman  at  last,  taking  off 
his  hat  on  seeing  him  clear  of  the  cover,  and  jjointing 
southwards  in  the  direction  of  Bi1)ury  Wood,  a  strong 
hold  for  foxes. 

■'  Talli-ho ! "  responded  Bamington  without  seeing 
him.  ■'  Talli-ho  I  "  re-echoed  all  the  others  without  one 
having  caught  view !  and  the  old  gentleman,  putting 
the  cob's  head  straight  do\\ii  the  hill,  slid  and  crawled 
down  to  the  l>rook.  f<-)llowed  V)y  the  field.  Here  wth 
much  hooping,  holloaing,  and  blowing  of  horns,  a  few 


riCK    COMMITTKK    OV    M\NAO«MBNT 


<-ouplp  of  houndfi  were  enticed  from  (he  cr)vi  r.  and 
))ping  laid  on  to  the  Hccnt.  dribbled  alioiit  like  the  tail  of 
a  paper  kite,  hiking  pre<-edeiic(!  according  to  tlieir 
Heveral  degrees.  First  (jld  Solomon,  a  great  l)liick  iiud 
wliite  limiiid,  with  a  strong  rcHeniblance  to  a  mugger's 
iMiiHtiff,  gave  a  howl  and  a  trml ;  then  Harnuniy  chirped, 
iimi  iManager  gave  a  Hquoak,  find  old  Sdlomnn  threw  his 
tongue  again,  in  Ji  most  leinurely  and  indill'erent  m.inner. 
c;nising  Home  of  f!ie  yo\ing  lionnds  to  ))eep  over  the 
furze  biislies  to  see  what  was  going  on. 
The  nin,  however,  was  of  short  continuance ;    after 


66  HANDLKY   CROSS 

cvossiiiR"  three  o-rass-fields  they  came  to  a  pfreasy  fallow, 
across  which  the  houndH  were  workiiij;  the  scent  very 
deliberately,  Avheii  ii])  jumped  a  great  thuinping  hare, 
which  they  ran  into  in  view  at  the  well  at  the  corner. 
Our  sportsmen  were  somewhat  disgusted  at  this,  but 
made  the  liest  of  the  matter,  and  laid  the  mishap  to  the 
charg'e  of  the  horse  in  the  morning. 

After  consuming  another  hoiir  or  two  in  drawing 
hopeless  covers,  and  riding  about  the  comitry,  they 
entered  Handley  Ci"oss  just  in  full  tide,  when  all  the 
streets  and  shops  swarmed  with  bright  eyes  and  smart 
dresses,  and  each  man  said  they  had  had  a  caijital  day's 
sport,  and  killed.  After  passing  through  the  principal 
streets,  the  hounds  and  horses  were  dismissed,  and  the 
red  coats  were  seen  flitting  about  till  dnsk. 

The  next  day,  however,  produced  no  change  for  the 
better,  nor  the  following,  nor  the  one  after;  and  the 
oftener  they  went  the  wilder  and  worse  the  hounds 
became.  Sometimes,  by  dint  of  mobbing,  they  managed 
to  kill  a  fox,  but  hares  much  more  fi-equently  fell  a 
prey  to  the  renowned  pack.  At  length  they  arrived  at 
such  a  state  of  perfection,  that  they  would  hunt 
almost  anything.  The  fields,  as  may  be  supi^osed,  soon 
dwindled  dowTi  to  nothing,  and,  what  was  woi-se,  many 
of  the  visitors  began  to  slip  away  from  Haudley  Cross 
without  paying  their  subscriptions.  To  add  to  theii- 
misfortunes,  bills  poured  in  apace  for  poultry  and  other 
damage ;  and  every  farmer's  wife  who  had  her  hen-roost 
robbed,  laid  the  blame  upon  the  foxes.  Pleeceall  had 
the  first  handling  of  the  bills,  but  not  being  a  man 
with  a  propensity  for  settling  questions,  he  entered  into 
a  voluminous  correspondence  with  the  parties  for  the 
laudable  purpose  of  proving  that  foxes  did  not  meddle 
with  i^oultiy. 

One  evening  as  oiir  masters  returned  home,  quite 
dispirited  after  an  unusually  bad  day,  without  having 
seen  a  fox,  though  the  hounds  had  run  into  and  killed  a 
fat  wether,  and  seized  an  old  woman  in  a  scarlet  cloak, 
they  agi'eed  to  meet  after  dinner,  to  consider  what  was 
best  to  be  done  luider  the  circumstances.  On  entering 
the  room,  which  they  did  simultaneously,  two  letters 
were  seen  on  the  table,  one  of  small  size,  directed  to  "  The 
Gentlemen  Managers  of  tlie  Handley  Cross  Hunt-Ball 
and  Supper,"  containing,  in  a  few  laconic  items,  the 
appalling  amount  of  ,£290  Us.  6d.  for  the  expenses  of  the 
memoralile  biill-night.  The  other  more  resembled  a 
Government-office  packet  than  a  letter,  and  was  liound 


THE   CLIMAX   OP   DISASTER  07 

witli  red  tape  and  sealed;  it  was  addressed  to  the 
■■  Honoiu'able  the  Coniuiittee  of  Mauageuieut  of  the 
Handley  Cross  Fox-Hounds/'  Barniugton,  more  stout- 
nerved  than  his  colleagues,  tore  oft"  the  tape,  when  out  of 
the  envelope  fell  a  many-paged  hill,  setuired  at  the 
stitching  part  \vith  a  delicate  piece  of  blue  silk.  The 
contents  ran  thus : — 

THE  HONOURABLE    COMMITTEE   OP   MANAGEMENT   OP    THE 

HANDLEY  CHOSS  FOX-HOUNDS, 

To  WALTER  FLEECBALL,  Dr. 

£  s.  d. 
Sept,  Atteniluig  you  by  esi)ecial  appointment,  wlien  you  com- 
municated your  desire  of  takinsr  the  Hounds         ,        ,    0  1.3    4 
Contiiderin>;  the  suljject  very  attentively    .        ,        .        .110 
Attending  Capt.  Doleful,  M.C.,  at  Miss  Jelly's,  the  Pastry 
Cook's,  conferrinK'  with  him  on  the  subject,  when  it 
was  arranj^ed  that  a  Public  Meeting  of  the  Inhabitants 

should  be  called 0  13    4 

Dmwing  notice  of  the  same 110 

Making  two  fair  copir>8  thereof 0  10    6 

Postiii);  same  at  Library  and  Billiaixl  Room       .        .        .    0    G    8 
Lonff  attendance  on  Capt.  Doleful,  M.C.,  arraujjiuf^  pre- 
liminaries, when  it  was  agreed  that  Mr.  Barnington 

should  be  called  to  the  chair 0  13     1 

Communicating    with    Mr.     Barnington    thereon,    and 

a^lvisiug  him  what  to  sjiy 110 

Attending  Meeting,  self  and  clerk 1  10    G 

linking  speech  on  the  merits  and  advantages  of  Fox- 
hunting (what  you  please)      

Making  minute  of  the  appointment  of  the  committee  of 

management 008 

Attending  Capt.  Doleful,  M.C.,  by  especial  appoijitmcnt 
at  Miss  Jelly's,  when  it  ai>peared  advisable  lo  con- 
ciliate the  fanners  ;  writing  to  Mr.  Stephen  Dumpling, 

rc'iuesting  his  attendance 0    0    8 

Attending  meeting,  wli -n  Mr.  Dumpling's  name  was 
added  t<)  the  committee,  aud  title  of  hunt  changed  to 

"  Handley  Cross"  Hounds 110 

Making  special  minute  thereof,  and  of  appointment  of  self 

as  secretary 0  10    0 

Writing  ■iH'J  Ictlors  soliciting  subscriptions,  inviting  ami 
exhrirting  gentlemen  to  iMicome  mcmbersof  the  hunt, 
describing  the  uniforms  —  Hcarlrl  coiils  with  blue 
I'tillnrH  iti  a  movniiig,  and  sky-bluo  coats,  lined  witti 
pink  silk,  canary -colon  red  short*',  anil  white  silk 
stockings  in  iin  evening  (letters  very  Umg  and  very 

pressing) 25    0    0 

Writing  120  rejoinders  to  120  answers  from  I'iO  gei.tlomon 
whodid  not  readily  como  into  tlie  th'ng,  p-  intiiig  out 
llio  merits  and  advaitagos  of  fox-himling  in  gt- iioral, 
and  of  tiio  Handley  Croi^s  fox-hunt  in  jmrticalHr  .  10  0  0 
8cT 'n  gi-ntlemen  n'fusing  to  subsrrilx"  on  the  grounds 
that  the  hounds  would  hunt  hare,  dniwing  long  and 
sficciHl  atlldavit  that  they  were  true  to  fox  and  would 
not  Iciok  at  bare 2    2    0 

Carry  forward       ,        .  40  17    0 


()S  HANDLEY   CROSS 

liroufjlit  forward        ,         £10  17    6 

AUeniling  sweariup:  same,  aurl  paid  for  oaths    .        .        .068 

Three  genMemou  rofusinK  to  become  members  unless  the 
hounds  were  allowed  to  run  haro  occasionally,  writing- 
to  assure  them  their  wishes  would  lie  complied  with  .     110 

Mr.  SpiunHRe  havinp  written  to  say  he  could  notsubscribe 
unless  they  oceasioiuilly  hunted  stajjs,  writing  to 
assure  him  that  they  wore  stap-hounds  quite  as  much 
OS  fox-hounds 068 

Mrs.  Mn.rpery  Mural ilebyhavin,!?  sent  in  a  bill  of  £1  Ss.  6d. 
for  four  hens,  a  duck,  and  a  goose,  stolen  by  the  foxes, 
consulting  sporting  rccorrls  to  see  whether  foxes  were 
in  the  habit  of  doing  such  things,  engaged  all  day, 
and  i)Bid  Mr.  Hookem,  the  librarian,  for  searching 
through  his  Sporting  works 2    2    0 

Writing  Mrs.  Mar^'ery  Mumbleby  very  fully  thereon,  and 
stating  my  tirm  conviction  that  it  wos  not  the  foxes 
(copy  to  keep) 0  i:<    4 

Mrs.  Margery  Mumbleby  not  being  satisfied  with  my 
answer,  drawing  case  for  the  opinion  of  the  Editor  of 
the  "Field;  or.  Country  Gentleman's  Newspaper," 
tlnee  brief  sheets 1110 

Paid  carriage  of  paicel  and  booking 0    3    4 

Paid  liim  and  secretary 2    4    6 

Carriage  of  iiarcel  back,  containing  Editor's  answer,  who 
said  he  had  no  doubt  the  foxes  were  "two-legged  " 
ones 0    .'J    0 

Fair  cojjy  of  answer  for  Mrs.  Margery  Mumbleby,  and 

writing  her  fidly  thereon  (copy  to  keep)       .        .        .008 

Hearing  that  Dennis  O'Brien,  E8c|.,  was  going  to  visit  his 
castle  in  Ireland,  calling  at  his  lodgings  to  leceivo  the 
amount  of  his  subscription  prior  to  his  dei)arture, 
when  the  maid-servant  said  her  master  was  not  at 
home 

Calling  again,  same  answer 

Ditto  ditto 

Ditto  uitto 

Ditio  ditto 

Ditto  ditto,  when  the  servant  said  Mr. 
O'Brien  had  left  this  morning 

Much  mental  anxiet.v,  postage,  parcels,  letters,  &c.,  not 
before  charged  (what  you  please) 

Total    £85  16    2 


It  is  hut  justice  to  Mr.  Fleeceall's  accurate  method  of 
transacting?  business,  to  state  that  on  the  creditor  side 
was  ^18  18s.  for  six  subscrii:>tions  received,  and  a  very 
promising  list  of  gentlemen  who  had  not  yet  found  it 
convenient  to  pay,  auiountins"  in  the  whole  to  some  .£300. 

The  two  bills,'  however,  sealed  the  fate  of  the  com- 
mittee of  management,  and  drove  the  slaughtered 
wetlier  and  scarlet-cloaked  old  woman  of  the  morning 
out  of  tlieir  recollections. 

Shocked  at  his  situation,  Stephon  Dumpling  took  the 
wliite-legged  chestnut  to  Duncan  Nevin,  but  though 
that  worthy  admitted  that  he  was  varry  like  the  field, 


THE   CLIMAX  OP  DISASTER  69 

neither  his  lonsr  tail,  noi-  his  flowing^  mane,  woidd  indiice 
him  to  offei*  more  than  twenty-five  pounds  for  him. 

"I  really  have  more  horses  than  I  can  do  with," 
repeated  Mr.  Nevin ;  "  had  you  come  last  week,  or  the 
week  afore,  I  had  three  gentlemen  wanting  horses  for 
the  season,  and  I  could  have  given  you  more,  for  I 
should  have  got  him  kept  till  April,  and  there  may  be  a 
vast  of  frost  or  snow  before  then,  but  it  would  not  do 
for  me  to  have  him  standing  eating  his  head  off;  you 
know  I've  nothing  to  do  with  the  weather,"  added  he, 
"  when  they  are  once  let."  Had  Duncan  known  how 
things  stood,  he  would  not  have  offered  him  more  than 
ten. 

Fortunately  for  Stephen,  Smith  and  Barnington  being 
both  in  high  credit,  the  chestnut  was  saved  from  the 
"  Nimrod  livery  and  bait  stables."  Still  the  committee 
was  at  an  end,  and  that  soon  became  known.  *'  Who 
now  was  to  take  the  hovmds  ?  '  was  the  universal  inquiry, 
wliich  no  one  could  answer.  The  visitors  looked  to  the 
townspeople  to  make  the  move,  and  the  townspeople 
wished  to  give  them  precedence.  With  the  iininitiated, 
the  main  qualification  for  a  master  api)ears  to  be  "  i^lenty 
of  money.  '  With  them  the  great  sporting  oV)jection  of 
"  he  knows  nothing  about  hunting  "  is  unheard  of. 

The  ca«e  was  urgent  and  the  emergency  gi"eat.  None 
of  the  committee  would  touch  again,  and  there  was  no 
engagement  to  liunt  out  the  season.  Puff  paragraplis 
were  tried  in  the  Haudley  Cross  Paul  Pry,  a  gossiping 
imblication,  whicli  enlivened  the  list  of  arrivals,  dei)ar- 
tuj-es,  changes  of  residence,  parties  given,  Ac  with  a\  hat 
it  called  the  "sports  of  the  chase,"  but  without  success. 
Some,  to  be  8ui*e,  nil)bled,  and  made  inquiries  as  to 
exi)en8e  and  subscription,  but  tlieir  ultimatums  were 
always  in  the  negative!  Sky-blue  coats  and  ])ink  linings 
were  likely  to  be  at  a  discount. 

In  tlie  ini«lKt  of  tlic  dilemma,  C;i))tain  Doleful's  ;in.\ious 
niiiul,  (|iiickened  by  self-interest,  hit  upon  a  g('ii11<'iii.ni 
made  for  tlie  i)lace— rich  as  Cro!8UH.  a  keen  and  Hcicntific 
Hj)Oi-tHman — an  out-and-out  lover  of  hunting — everything 
in  fact  that  they  wanted.  His  face  wrinklod  like  a 
Norff>lk  biffin  witli  ddiglit.  ;ind  lie  KiiniiMoncd  Flecceall, 
IIf>ok*M>i  tlie  lil)i-iirian.  Ijoltcni  tlif  l'illi;ird-tal>l»'  kcept-r, 
to  Miss  JellvM,  wlif-rc,  over  a  tray  of  hot  nniUon  j»ies, 
most  magnauimonsly  furnished  at  liis  own  expen.=;e.  he 
aiTanged  the  sclicnie  disclosed  in  the  following  chapter. 


CHAPTER  VII 

MR.   JORROCKS 
"  A  man  he  was  to  all  the  country  dear  ** 

"Where  can  tliat  be  from,  Biujiniin?"  inquired  Mr. 
.Torrocks  of  his  boy  of  all-work,  as  the  latter  presented 


him  withfa  large  double-headed  letter,  with  a  fioimshing 
coat  of  anns  seal. 

Mr.   Jorrocks    was   a   gi-eat  city    grocer   of    the   old 
school,  one^.wholwas  neither  ashamed  of  his  trade,  nor 


MR.   .TOUROCKS  71 

of  caiTyinsr  it  on  in  a  ding-y  wavelionse  that  would 
shock  the  manauers  of  the  tiue  uialiogany-coimtered, 
gilt-cauistered,  puffiiifi-,  poet-keeping  estahlishments  of 
modem  times.  He  had  been  in  business  long  enough 
to  remember  each  succeeding  lord  uuiyor  before  he  was 
anybody — "  reg'lar  little  tuppences  in  fact,"  as  lie  used 
to  say.  Not  that  Mr.  JoiTOcks  decried  the  dignity  of 
civic  honour,  but  his  ambition  took  a  different  turn.  He 
was  for  the  field,  not  the  forum. 

As  a  merchant  he  stood  high — country  traders  took 
his  teas  without  tasting,  and  his  bills  were  as  good  as 
bank-notes.  Though  an  xmlettered  man,  he  had  great 
powers  of  thought  and  expression  in  his  peculiar  way. 
He  was  ■■  highly  respectable."  as  they  say  on 'Change — 
that  is  to  say,  he  was  very  rich,  the  result  of  prudence 
and  economy — not  that  he  was  stingy.  ))ut  his  income 
outstripped  his  expenses,  and  money,  like  snow,  rolls  up 
amazingly  fast. 

A  natural-bom  spoiisman,  his  lot  being  cast  behind  a 
counter  instead  of  in  the  comitry,  is  one  of  those  frolics 
of  fortune  that  there  is  no  accounting  for.  To  remedy 
the  eiTor  of  the  blind  goddess,  Mr.  Jorrocks  had  taken 
to  hunting  as  soon  as  he  could  keep  a  horse,  and 
though  his  exploits  were  long  confined  to  the  suburban 
county  of  Surrey,  he  should  rather  be  "  ci'edited  "  for 
keenness  in  fcjllowing  the  sport  in  so  un])ropitious  a 
region,  than  "  delated  "  as  a  Cockney  and  lauglied  at  for 
his  pains.  But  here  the  old  adage  of  "  where  ignorance 
is  bliss,"  &c.  came  to  his  aid,  for  before  he  had  seen  any 
Itetter  country  than  Suney,  he  was  impressed  with  the 
c<jnvicti(m  that  it  was  the  "  werry  best,"  and  their 
hound.s  tlie  finest  in  England. 

"Doesn't  the  best  of  everytliing  come  to  London?" 
lie  would  ask.  "aiid  doesn't  it  follow  as  a  nattaral 
conHe(|uence,  tiiat  the  best'unUng  is  to  1^  had  from  it?" 

Moreover,  Mr.  JoiTocks  looked  u|)ou  Surrey  as 
the  licculiar  iirovin<-e  of  Cockiu-ys  we  beg  i)ar(Um — 
L<jniIoiierH.  His  carlif'st  recoUf^ctiftnH  carri<'d  him  hack 
to  tlie  days  of  Alderman  Ifarlcy,  and  Ihoiigli  Ids 
participation  in  the  sport  consisted  in  reading  tiie  meets 
in  a  Ixiotmaker's  window  in  the  Bonmgh,  lie  could  tell 
of  all  the  succeeding  musters,  and  (!ritici/,e  the  estiiblish- 
ments  of  fJlayton,  Sn(<w,  Maberly,  ;ind  the  renowned 
Daniel  Hiiigh. 

Tt  was  during  the  career  of  the  lalter  great  soorlsniau, 
that  Mr.  .lon'oekri  shone  a  l)rilliaiit  met<'or  in  tin;  Surrey 
liiint-  he  was  no   rider,  but  with    an  almost  intuitive 


72  HANDLEY   GROSS 

knowledge  of  tlie  r\m  of  ii  fox,  would  take  off  his  liat  to 
him  several  times  in  the  course  of  a  run.  No  Saturday 
seemed  pei-fect  unless  Mr.  Jorrocks  Avas  there ;  and  his 
f?reat  chestnut  horse,  with  his  master's  coat-laps  flying 
out  beyond  his  tail,  will  lon^  be  remembered  on  the 
outline  of  the  Suri-ey  hills.  These  are  recollections  that 
many  will  enjoy,  nor  will  their  interest  be  diminished  as 
time  throws  them  back  in  the  distance.  Many  lx)ld 
sportsmen,  now  laid  on  the  shelf,  and  many  a  l)old  one 
still  f^oing,  will  fflow  with  animation  at  the  thoughts  of 
the  spoi't  they  shared  in  with  him. 

Of  the  start  before  day-lareak — the  cries  of  the  cads — 
the  mirth  of  the  lads— the  breakfasts  at  Croydon — the 
dear  "'Derby  Arms,"— the  cheery  Charley  Morton;  then 
the  ride  to  the  meet — the  jovial  greeting — the  glorious 
find,  and  the  exhilarating  scrambles  uj^  and  down  the 
Surrey  hills.— Then  if  they  killed! — O,  joy!  unutterable 
joy !  How  they  holloaed !  How  they  hooped !  How 
they  lugged  out  their  half-cro\vns  for  Tom  Hill,  and 
returned  to  town  flushed  with  victory  and  "eau-de-vie." 

But  we  wander — 

When  the  gates  of  the  world  were  opened  by  railways, 
our  friend's  active  mind  saw  that  business  might  be 
combined  with  pleasure,  and  as  first  one  line  opened  and 
then  another,  he  shot  down  into  the  different  countries 
— bags  and  all — Beckford  in  one  pocket — order  book  in 
the  other — hunting  one  day  and  selling  teas  another. 
Nay,  he  sometimes  did  both  together,  and  they  tell  a 
story  of  him  in  Wiltshire,  holloaing  out  to  a  man  who 
had  taken  a  fence  to  get  rid  of  him,  "  Did  you  say  ttvo 
chests  o'  black  and  one  o'  green  ?  " 

Then  when  the  Great  Noitheni  opened  he  took  a  tuni 
down  to  Peterborough,  and  emboldened  by  what  he  saw 
with  Lord  Fitzwilliam,  he  at  length  ventured  right  into 
the  heaven  of  heavens— the  grass— or  what  he  calls  the 
"  cut  'em  doA\m "'  countries.*  What  a  commotion  he  caused ! 
AVhich  is  Jorrocks?  Show  me  JoiTocks !  Is  that  old 
Jorrocks  ?  and  men  would  ride  to  and  fro  eyeing  him  as 
if  he  were  a  wild  beast.  Gradually  the  bolder  ventured 
a  word  at  him — observed  it  was  a  fine  day — asked  him 
liow  he  liked  their  country,  or  their  hounds.  Next, 
perhaps,  the  M.F.H.  woiild  give  him  a  friendly  lift — say 
"Good  moi*ning,  Mr.  Jorrocks" — then  some  of  what 
Jorrocks  calls  the  "  hupper  crusts  "  of  the  hunt  would 
begin  talking  to  him,  until  he  got  fairly  launched  among 

*  "  Cut  'cm  down  iiinl  hung  'cui  up  lu  dry  !  " — Leicestershire  phrase. 


^-     -    ^    ^m. 


— 'iS^ 


^-^^ 


MR.   JORROCKS  73 

them — when  he  would  out  with  his  order-book  and  do  no 
end  of  business  in  tea.  None  liut  Jorrocks  &  Co.'s  tea 
goes  down  in  the  niidkind  counties.  Great,  however,  as 
he  is  in  tlie  country,  he  is  equally  famous  in  Loudon, 
whei-e  his  "  Readings  in  Beckford""  and  sporting  lectures 
in  Oxenden  Street  procui-ed  him  the  attentions  of  the 
ix)lice. 

Mr.  JoiTocks  had  now  passed  the  gi'and  climacteric, 
and  balancing  his  age  with  less  accuracy  than  he 
IjaJanced  his  books,  called  himself  somewhere  l^etween 
fifty  and  sixty.  He  wouldn't  ovn\  to  three  pund,  as  he 
called  sixty,  at  any  price.  Neither  could  he  ever  be 
persuaded  to  get  into  the  scales  to  see  whether  he  was 
neai-er  eighteen  "  stun "  or  twenty.  He  was  always 
"ticlarly  engaged"  just  at  the  time,  eitlier  goin'  to  wet 
samples  of  tea  with  his  traveller,  or  with  some  one  to 
look  at  "  an  'oss,'"  or,  if  hard  pressed,  to  take  Mrs.  J.  out 
in  the  chay.  "  He  dicbit  ride  stipple  chases,"'  he  would 
Bay,  "  and  wot  matter  did  it  make  "ow  much  he  weighed  'f 
It  was  altogether  "twixt  him  and  his  "oss,  and  weighin' 
wouldn't  make  him  any  lighter."  In  ])eison  he  was  a 
stiff,  square-built,  middle-sized  man,  with  a  thick  neck 
and  a  large  round  head.  A  woolly  1  )road-l  >rimmed  lowish- 
crowned  hat  sat  with  a  jaunty  sidelong  sort  of  air  upon 
a  bushy  nut-brown  wig,  worn  for  comfort  and  not 
deception.  Indeed  his  grey  whiskers  would  have  acted 
as  a  contradiction  if  lie  had,  but  deception  fonued  no 
pai-t  of  Mr.  Jorrock's  (rhai-actoi'.  He  had  !i  fine  open 
countenance,  and  though  his  turn-up  nose,  little  grey 
eyes,  and  rather  twisted  mouth  were  not  handsome,  still 
tnero  was  a  comljination  of  fun  and  good  luuuour  in  his 
looks  that  pleased  at  first  sight,  and  )naile  one  forget  all 
the  rest.  His  dress  was  generally  tlie  same— a  puddingey 
whit^i  neckcloth  tied  in  a  knot,  capacious  sliirt  J'rill  (shirt 
made  witliout  collars),  a  single-breasted  liigli-collait'd 
buff  waiHt<;ojit  with  covered  Imttous.  a  blue  coat  witli 
metal  ones,  chirk  blue  stock ingriet  piintaloons.  and 
liessiau  Itoots  witli  ];irge  tiissels,  displiiyiiig  (he  lil>nral 
dimensions  of  his  full,  well-tunied  limlw.  The  coat 
pockets  were  outside,  and  the  hack  buttons  far  iii)art. 

His  business  place  was  in  St.  liotoljih  s  Lane,  in  the 
City,  but  his  i-esidence  w;ih  in  Great  ('orani  Street.  This 
is  rather  a  curious  locality,  city  people  coiisidering  it 
west,  wiiile  those  \u  the  west  consider  it  oast.  The  fact 
is,  thai  (ii"eal  ('oi-aiii  Street  is  souiewhere  about  Wu'. 
centre  of  Loudon,  near  the  Loiulon  Univeisity,  and  not  a 
great  way  from  the  Euston  station  of  the  Uirmingluim 


74  HANDLEY   CROSS 

railway.  .Tarrocks  sayfi  it  is  close  to  the  two  Lest  cover 
hacks  in  the  world,  the  g'l-eat  Northern  and  Eiiston 
stations.  Ai)proacliing  it  from  tlie  east,  whicli  seems  the 
projier  way  of  advancing  to  a  ciity  man's  residence,  yon 
pass  the  Foundling  Ho.spital  in  Guildford  Street,  cross 
Brunswiclv  Square,  and  tiirning  shoi't  to  the  left  you 
find  yourself  in  "  Great  Coram  Street."  Neat  unassum- 
in<r  houses  form  the  sides,  and  the  west  end  is  graced 
with  a  liuilding  that  acts  the  double  part  of  a  reading- 
room  and  swimming-bath  ;  "  literature  and  lavement " 
is  over  the  door. 

In  this  region  the  dazzling  glare  of  civic  pomp  and 
coui-tly  state  are  equally  unknown.  Fifteen-year-old 
footboys  in  cotton  velveteens  and  variously  fitting  coats 
being  the  objects  of  aml)ition.  while  the  rattling  of 
pewter  pots  about  four  o'clock  denote  the  usual  dinner 
hour. — It  is  a  nice  quiet  street,  highly  popular  with 
Punch  and  other  pviblic  characters.  A  smart  con- 
fectioner's in  the  neighbourhood  leads  one  to  suppose 
that  it  is  a  favoui-ite  locality  for  citizens. 

We  may  as  well  introduce  the  other  inmates  of  lilr. 
Jorrocks's  house,  before  we  return  to  our  story,  premising 
that  they  are  now  going  to  act  a  prominent  part. 

Mrs.  JoiTocks,  who,  her  husband  said,  had  a  cross  of 
blood  in  her,  her  sire  being  a  gent,  her  dam  a  lady's 
maid,  was  a  commonish  sort  of  woman,  with  great  pre- 
tension, and  smatteiing  of  gentility.  She  had  been 
reckoned  a  beauty  at  Tooting,  Ijut  had  oixtlived  all, 
save  the  recollection  of  it.  She  was  a  dumpy  figure, 
very  fond  of  fine  bonnets,  and  dressed  so  differently, 
that  Mr.  Jorrocks  himself  sometimes  did  not  know  her. 
Her  main  characteristics  were  a  red  snub  nose,  a  pro- 
fusion of  false  ringlets,  and  gooseheny  eyes,  which  were 
green  in  one  light  and  grey  in  another. 

Mr.  Jorrocks's  mother,  who  had  long  held  a  commis- 
sion to  get  him  a  wife,  had  departed  this  life  without 
executing  it ;  and  our  friend  soon  finding  himself  going 
all  wrong  in  his  shirts  and  stocking-feet,  and  having 
then  little  time  to  go  a  courting,  just  went,  hand  over 
head  as  it  were,  to  a  ball  at  the  "  Honas ''  at  Kennington 
Common,  and  drew  the  first  woman  that  seemed  inclined 
to  make  up  to  him,  who  chanced  to  be  the  now  companion 
of  his  greatness. 

No  childi-en  blessed  the  union ;  and  a  niece,  the 
oi-phan  daughter  of  a  brother  of  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  foraied 
theii-  family  cii'cle.  Belinda  Jorrocks  was  just  entering 
upon  womanhood — yoimg.  Iteautiful,  and  guileless.    In 


MR.  JORROCKS 


75 


person  she  was  of  the  middle  size,  neither  too  slim  nor 
too  stout,  Lilt  just  of  that  plump  and  pleasantly-rounded 
forai  that  charms  all  eyes,  whether  admirers  of  the  tall 
or  short.  Her  light-lirown  silken  hair  clasped  the  ivory 
forehead  of  a  beautiful  oval  face,  while  the  delicate 
reg^ularity  of  her  lightly-pencilled  eyebrows  contrasted 
with  the  long  rich  fringe  of  her  large  blue  eyes;  rosy 
lips  and  pearly  teeth  appeared  below  her  Grecian  nose, 
while  her  clear  though  somewhat  pale  complexion 
brightened  ^vith  the  flush  of  animation  when  she  spoke. 
Her  waist  was  small,  and  her  feet  sylpli-like. 

'■  Where  can  this  be  from,  Binjimin  ?  ''  inquired  Mr. 


JorTocks,  taking'tlie  letter  l)oforo  uientioned  as  he  snt  in 
his*  red  'morocco  Inmtiug-cliair  in  tlie  l)ack  drawing- 
room  in  Great  Coram  Street. 

" 'Andley  Cross!  Where  is  that?"  said  lie.  looking 
at  the  poflt-mark.  "  Knows  no  one  there,  I  think," 
continued  he,  cutting  the  paj)er  on  ea<'li  sido  of  the 
seal  with  a  j»air  of  largf  HciHsors  kc])t  in  the  capacious 
black  inkstand  Ix'foio  him.  Having  opened  the  ('nvclo|M'. 
a  large  slieft  of  white  jiajicr  and  a  gilt-edged  pink 
8atin-i)aper  note,  headed  with  an  emljossed  stag-hunt, 
presentefl  themselvPH.  He  oi)ened  the  nf)te  firHt.  Tlie 
writing  was  unknown  to  him.  so  he  t(K)k  up  the  olher, 
and  folding  it  out,  proceeded  Uj  rear!  the  contents. 
Thus  it  nm  : — 


76  HANDLET  CROSS 

TO  JOHN  JORBOCKS,  ESQ. 
"Honoured  Sir, 

"  The  committee  of  management  of  the  Handley 
Ci'oss  fox-hounds  being  imder  the  necessity  of  re- 
linquishing their  undei-taking,  we,  the  undersigned  keen 
and  determined  spoi-tsmen,  having  experienced  the  evils 
of  a  divided  mastership,  and  feeling  fully  impressed  with 
the  importance  of  having  a  country  hunted  single-handed 
hy  a  gentleman  of  known  talent  and  experience,  wlao 
will  command  the  respect  and  oliedience  of  liis  followers 
and  the  admiration  of  the  world,  look  up_  to  you,  sir,  as 
pre-eminently  qualified  for  the  distinguished,  honoiir- 
able.  and  much  coveted  sitiiation." 

"  My  vig !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTocks,  jumping  from  his 
chair,  slapping  his  thigh,  and  hopping  rovmd  the  table, 
taking  up  three  or  ioxw  holes  of  his  face  with  delight  — 
"  My  vig !  who  would  have  ever  thought  of  such  a  thing ! 
— O,  John  Jorrocks  !  John  Jon-ocks  !  you  are  indeed  a 
most  fortunate  man  !  a  most  lucky  dog !  O  dear  !— O 
dear !  Was  ever  anything  so  triily  delightful !  "  Some 
seconds  elapsed  ere  our  worthy  friend  could  compose 
himself  sufficiently  to  look  again  at  the  letter.  At  last 
he  resumed : — 

"  When  we  consider,  sir,"  it  continued,  "  the  brilliant 
position  yovx  have  long  achieved  in  that  most  illustrioiis 
of  all  hvmts,  'the  Sun-ey,"  and  the  glorious  character 
you  have  gained  as  an  ardent  admirer  of  field  sports, 
we  feel  most  deeply  and  sincerely  sensible  that  there  is 
no  one  to  Avhom  we  can  more  safely  confide  this  important 
trust  than  yourself." 

"  Capital !  bravo !  weiTy  good  indeed !  "  exclaimed  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  laying  down  the  letter  again  for  the  purpose 
of  digesting  what  he  had  read.  "  Capital  indeed, '  he 
repeated,  nursing  one  leg  over  the  other,  and  casting  his 
eyes  up  at  a  dirty  fly-catcher  dangling  over  his  head. 
Thus  he  sat  for  some  moments  in  mute  abstraction.  At 
length  he  let  down  his  leg  and  took  up  the  letter. 

"  In  conclusion,  sir,"  it  ended,  "  we  beg  to  assure  you 
that  you  possess  alike  the  confidence  and  esteem  of  the 
inhabitants  of  this  town  and  neighbourhood;  and  in  tlie 
event  of  your  acceding  to  our  wishes,  and  becoming  the 
manager  of  our  magnificent  hunt,  we  pledge  ourselves 
to  afford  you  our  most  coi'dial  and  streniious  siq^poi-t, 
and  to  endeavour  by  every  means  in  our  jjower  to  make 
you  master  of  the  Handley  Cross  fox-hounds,  at  the 


MR.   JORROCKS  77 

smallest  possible  expense  and  inconvenience   to  your- 
self. 

(Signed)        Miserrimus  Doleful.  M.C, 

Captain  Half-pay. 

Duncan  Nevin. 
Alfred  Boltem. 
Simon  Hookem. 
Walter  Fleeceall. 
Judas  Turnbill. 
Michael  GTrasper." 

"  Capital,  indeed ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  layiufr 
do^vn  the  letter,  clapping  and  rubbing  his  hands  ;  "  wery 
good  indeed — most  beautiful,  in  fact — wot  honour  I 
arnve  at ! — wonder  wliat  tliese  chaps  are  now  !  "  added 
he ;  saying  which,  in  taking  up  the  letter  his  eye  caught 
the  pink  satin  paper  note.  It  was  in  the  same  fine  lady- 
like running  hand  as  the  letter,  and  purported  to  be 
from  Captain  Doleful,  explanatory  of  their  motives,  and 
voucliing  for  the  respectability  of  himself  and  brother 
i-equisitionists.  Mr.  JoxTocks  was  all  delight,  and  being 
the  child  of  impulse  and  generous  feelings,  his  joy 
found  vent  in  stamping  on  the  Hoor,  thereby  summoning 
liis  8ei'\'ant  the  aforesaid  Benjamin  into  his  presence. 

Benjamin,  or  Binjimin,  as  Mr.  Jon-ocks  pronounced 
the  name,  was  one  of  those  mischievous  urcliins  that 
peoi)le  sometimes  jjersuade  themselves  do  the  work  of 
a  man  \vithout  the  wages.  He  was  a  stunted,  pasty-faced, 
white-headed,  ginnified  l)oy,  that  might  be  any  age  from 
eight  t<)  eighteen,  and  as  idle  and  mischievous  a  brat  as 
it  was  possible  to  conceive  ;  sharp  as  a  needle,  and  quick 
jis  lightning,  he  was  far  more  than  a  matcii  for  his  over- 
easy  master,  whom  he  cheated  and  deceived  in  every 
jioHsible  way.  Whatever  went  wrong,  Benjamin  always 
iiad  an  excuse  for  it,  wliirli  gfiierally  traust'crred  the 
lilame  from  liis  own  to  Hume  one  else's  siioiilders, — a 
))iece  of  ingenuity  tliat  refjuired  no  small  df^gree  of 
•lexterity,  inasmuch  as  the  light-noi-ter  of  the  warehouse, 
Betfley,  a  maid  of  all  work,  and  a  girl  under  her,  were 
all  he  had  to  divide  it  among.  Not  a  note  came  into 
the  house,  or  a  lett*'!'  wfMit  out  of  it,  but  Menjamin 
niaHt*Mc<l  it«  (^f»ntf'n1s;  and  Mvh.  .lonockw  was  consiaMt  ly 
losing  things  out  of  the  store-room  and  closets,  \vlii(  Ji 
never  could  i»e  traced  to  anybody. 

One  unlucky  .Sunday  nuiniing,  indeed.  Mr.  .Tonocks 
happened  to  tiini  ba<;k  suddenly  on  his  way  to  church, 
and  caught  him  sitting  in  his  easy  chair  at  the  Ineakfast 


78  HANDIiEY   CROSS 

t:il>le,  reading  Bell's  Life  in  London,  and  scooping  the 
niaviiialade  out  of  tlio  pot  with  liis  thumb,  wlien  he  visited 
Benjamin's  hack  witli  a  summary  liorse-wliipping;  hut 
that  was  the  only  time,  dui-ing  a  period  of  three  year^, 
that  he  ever  was  caught  in  a  scrape  he  could  not  get 
out  of.  This  might  be  partly  attribii table  to  Betsey 
finding  it  convenient  to  be  in  with  Benjamin,  who 
winked  at  the  visits  of  a  genteel  young  man  from  a 
neighbouring  haberdasher's.  The  poor  maid  under 
Betsey,  and  the  light  i^oi-ter.  who  was  generally  absent, 
were  therefore  the  usual  scape-goats,  or  somebody 
else's  servant,  who  had  happened  to  come  with  a  message 
or  parcel.  Siich  was  Mr.  Jon-ocks's  domestic  establish- 
ment, which,  like  most  masters,  he  either  thought,  oi- 
affected  to  think,  very  pei-fect. 

We  left  our  friend  stamping  for  Benjamin,  who  made 
his  appearance  as  soon  as  he  could  slip  down-stairs  and 
come  up  again,  he  having  been  watching  his  master 
through  the  keyhole  since  delivering  the  letter. 

****** 

"Now,  Binjimin."  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  eyeing  him  with 
one  of  his  benevolent  looks,  and  not  knowing  exactly 
what  to  say;  "now,  Binjimin,"  he  re])eated,  "are  the 
'osses  all  right  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,  and  the  wehicle  too." 

"  WeiTy  good,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTocks — "  wen-y  good," 
taking  a  half -emptied  pot  of  Lazenby's  marmalade  out 
of  a  drawer  in  his  library  table.  "  See  now !  there's  a 
pot  of  marmeylad  for  you !  "  (Mr.  Jon-ocks  had  the 
knack  of  making  the  most  of  what  he  did,  and  treated 
the  half  pot  as  a  whole  one)  "  and  mind  be  a  good  bouy, 
and  I  make  no  doubt  you'll  rise  to  be  a  AveiTy  great 
man — notliing  gains  man  or  bouy  the  respect  and 
esteem  of  the  world  so  niuch  as  honesty,  sobriety,  and 
cleanliness." 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  paused. — He  would  have  finished  with  a 
moral,  wherein  his  own  fortune  should  have  fiu'uished 
the  example,  but  somehow  or  other  he  could  not  turn  it 
at  the  moment,  so  after  scrutinizing  Benjamin's  dirty 
face  for  a  second,  he  placed  the  marmalade  pot  in  his 
and  said,  "  Now  go  and  wesh  your  mug." 

Uncommonly  amiable  and  conseciuential  was  Mr. 
Jon-ocks  that  morning.  As  he  walked,  or  rather  strutted 
into  the  City,  he  gave  twopence  to  every  crossing- 
sweejier  in  his  line,  from  the  Ijhick-eyed  wencli  at  tlie 
corner  of  Brunswick  Square,  to  the  breechless  boy,  with 
the  red  night-cap,  at  St.  Botolph's  Lane ;  and  he  entered 


]\TR    JORROCKS  79 

his  dark  and  din^y  warehoiise  with  a  smile  on  his  Lrow, 
enough  to  illumine  the  dial  of  St.  Giles's  clock  in  a  fog. 
Most  tidgety  and  uneasy  was  he  all  the  morning — every 
foot-fail  made  hi.s  eyes  start  from  the  ledger,  and  wander 
towards  the  door,  in  hopes  of  seeing  some  member  of  the 
Sxu-rey,  or  some  brother  sportsman,  to  whom  he  might 
communicate  the  great  intelligence.  He  went  on  "Change 
witli  a  hand  in  each  breeches  pocket,  and  a  strut  that 
plainly  told  how  well  he  was  to  do  with  himself :  still 
some  dear-bought  expenence  had  given  him  a  little 
pnidence,  and  all  things  considered  he  determined  to 
sleep  on  the  invitation  Vjefore  he  answered  it.— Perhaps 
the  pros  and  cons  of  his  mind  will  be  best  displayed  by 
a  transcrifjt  of  what  he  wTOte : — 

"  Gentlemen, 

"  I  have  the  houoiu-to  acknowledge  the  receipt  of 
your  favour  of  the  4th,  and  note  the  contents,  whicli  I 
assure  you  is  most  grateful  to  my  feelings  :  in  all  you 
have  said  I  most  cordially  goinside. — It's  pleasant  to  see 
humanity  estimating  one's  walue  at  the  price  one  sets  on 
oneself.  I  am  a  sportsman  all  over,  and  to  the  backbone. 
— 'Unting  is  all  that's  worth  li\'ing  for— all  time  is  lost 
wot  is  not  spent  in  'unting — it  is  like  the  hair  we  breathe 
-  if  we  have  it  not  we  die — it's  the  sport  of  kings,  the 
image  of  war  without  its  guilt,  and  only  five-and-twenty 
]>er  cent,  of  its  danger. 

"  T  liave  no  manner  f>f  (l(jubt  at  all  tliat  I'm  fully 
•  lualified  for  tlie  mastership  of  the  'Andley  Cross  fox- 
hounds, or  any  othei — "unting  has  been  my  'obby  ever 
since  I  could  keep  an  'oss,  and  long  before — a  southerly 
wind  and  a  cloudy  sky  are  my  deliglit— no  music  like  tlie 
melody  of  'ounds.  But  enough  of  the  rhapsodies,  let  us 
come  to  the  melodies  —the  £  s.  d.  in  fact.  Wot  will  it 
cost  ? — In  course  it's  a  subscrifttion  i)ack — then  say  how 
many  pai/iny  subsciiliers  have  you  P  Wot  is  the  netl 
amount  of  thoir  subscriptions-  how  many  couj>le  of 
'oimds  have  you?  Are  they  Ht^.'adyJ'  Arc  they  musical? 
How  many  days  a  week  do  you  want  your  country 
'unted?  Is  st^jpjjin' expensive?  What '\m  a  country  is  it 
to  ride  over?  Stiff,  or  light,  or  middlin',  or  wlial  ? 
EnoniiouH.  eiuilesH  woodlands  without  rifh's,  stiff  wales, 
with  small  enclosureH  an<l  uincaHonalilf  ra.spi'rs  amid 
UMXMHf'H  of  (jhiugh ;  or  pleasant  <-oi)se-lil<c  covers,  with 
roomy  gi'asK  ciK^UmureH  to  reward  the  adv(!nturous  leajjcr 
with  a  gallop?  Is  it,  in  short,  a  cotnitry  where  a  man 
can  Hf'o  'oun'b  without  7.:u-(Iy  rid  in 'to  tmad  on  thfir  tails? 


80  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Are  your  covei-s  wide  of  the  kennel  ?  Wliere  is  your 
kennel  ?  I  never  heard  of  your  'ounds  ):>efore — wot. 
stablin'  have  you  ?  Is  'ay  and  corn  costly  ?  In  course 
you'll  have  your  stock  of  meal  by  you  ?  Are  there  any 
cover  rents  to  jjay — and  if  so,  who  pays  them  ?  How  are 
you  off  for  foxes  ?  Are  they  stout  and  wild,  and  like  to 
take  a  deal  o'  killin'.  or  just  a  middlin'  soi-t  of  hanimal 
that  one  may  look  to  who-hoop-in  pretty  often?  Write 
me  fully — fairly — fi-eely — frankly,  in  fact,  and  believe  nie 
to  remain,  gentlemen,  all  yoiu-'s  to  serve, 

"  John  Jobbocks, 

"  Great  Coram  Street,  London, 


It  rp, 


To   MiSKRKIMUS    DOLEFUI.,  ES(J.,  M.C, 

"  Captain  Half-jiay,  HaniUey  Cross. 


"  Well,  come,  this  is  more  like  business  than  any  we 
have  had  yet,"  observed  Captain  Doleful  on  reading  the 
epistle — "  though  some  of  his  questions  will  Ije  plaguy 
troublesome  to  answer.  What  does  he  mean  hj  'Are  they 
steady  ?  ' — '  Are  they  musical  ?  '  and  as  to  the  '  stopi^ing 
being  expensive,'  of  course  that  must  depend  a  good  deal 
upon  how  he  lives,  and  whether  he  stops  at  an  inn  or 
not. — It's  a  pity  but  I  knew  something  al)Out  the  matter, 
that  I  might  make  a  satisfactory  answer." 

Fleeceall  had  Blaine's  Encyclopaedia  of  Riu-al  Sj^orts, 
but  as  he  Avas  thought  rather  too  sharp.  Doleful 
determined  to  try  what  they  could  do  without  him ; 
accordingly,  he  concocted  the  following  epistle,  which 
having  copied  on  to  a  sheet  of  sea-green  paper,  he  sealed 
with  yellow  wax,  and  de])Osited  it  in  the  post : — 

"Dear  Mr.  Jobbocks, 

"  Your  kind  and  flattering  letter  has  just  come 
to  hand,  and  I  lose  not  a  moment  in  supplying  you  with 
all  the  information  in  n)y  power,  i-elative  to  our  celebrated 
dogs.  Unfoi-tiinately  the  secretary  to  the  hunt,  Mr. 
Fleeceall,  is  absent  on  urgent  l>usiness,  ocmsetjuently  I 
have  not  access  to  those  docvmients  which  would  enable 
me  to  answer  you  as  fully  as  I  coidd  wish.  The  dogs,  as 
you  doubtless  know,  are  of  the  purest  blood,  having  been 
the  ijroperty  for  many  years  of  that  renowned  sp(n-tsman, 
Michael  Hardey,  and  are  Iji-ed  with  the  very  greatest 
cai"e  and  attention.  It  is  i)erha])s  not  going  too  far  to 
say  that  there  is  not  such  another  jjack  in  the  world. 
Thei'e  are  at  present  thii-ty-two  couple  of  old  ones  in 
kennel,  besides  an  excellent  white  terrier  with  a  l)lack 


MR.   JORBOCKS  81 

eye.  They  are  very  steady  and  most  musical.  Their 
airing  yard  adjoins  the  Ebenezer  chapel,  and  when  the 
saints  begin  to  sing,  the  dogs  join  chorus.  Handley 
Cross,  where  the  kennel  is  situated,  is  in  the  most 
beautiful,  fei-tile.  and  salubrious  part  of  the  country, 
within  two  miles  of  the  Datton  station  of  the  Lily-white- 
sand  railway,  and  contains  a  chalybeate  spa  of  most 
unrivalled  excellence.  The  following  is  an  accurate 
analysis  of  the  water  taken  by  an  eminent  French 
physician,  who  came  all  the  way  from  Rheims  for  the 
express  purpose  of  examining  it : — 

"ONE  PINT  (Wine  measure) . 

"  .Sulphate  of  soda 21     Grains. 

"  Sulphate  of  mairnesia 3i        „ 

"  Sulphate  of  lime 4ri        „ 

"  Muriate  of  soda ^i        ,> 

"  Oxide  of  iron 1  „ 

"  Carbonic  acid li       „ 

'"  To  this  unrivalled  spring,  invalids  from  every  pai-t  of 
the  world,  from  every  quarter  of  the  globe,  flock  in 
countless  numbers  ;  and  it  is  unnecessary  to  point  out  to 
a  spoi-tsman  like  yourself  either  the  advantages  that  a 
V)ack  of  hounds  confer  on  such  a  place,  or  the  l^enefits 
a<'cruing  to  the  master  from  having  the  support  of  men 
with  whom,  to  use  a  familiar  phrase,  '  money  is  no 
object.'  Indeed  I  think  I  may  safely  say,  that  keenness 
is  all  that  is  required,  and  a  gentleman  like  you  would 
meet  with  support  that  would  galvanize  your  most 
sanguine  expectations.  You  must  excuse  my  saying 
moi-e  at  present,  as  I  have  been  out  since  daybreak,  and 
there  is  a  piece  of  cold  roast  l^eef  standing  before  me 
at  this  moment,  whose  beautifully  marbled  side,  and  rich 
yellow  fat  with  a  delicately  browned  outside,  in  con- 
jimction  with  a  crisp  lettuce-salad  in  a  china  bowl, 
j)f'reni))torily  order  me  to  conclude,  whicli  I  do  with  the 
canu'st  exliortution  foi-  you  at  one*;  t-o  d<>clai'e  yourself 
for  tlic  liigh  honour  of  the  maHtcrship  of  the  Handley 
Cross  liounds.  Believe  me  to  remain  in  extreme  liunger, 
dear  Mr.  Jon-ockH,  very  sincerely  your's, 

"MiSEKBIMUS  DOI-EFUL,  M.C.. 
"  Handley  Cross."  "  Copt.  ITalf-pay. 

"Dash  my  vigl  "  exclaimed  Mt-.  Jon-ocks,  la\ing  down 
the  letter.  "  what  primo  beef  that  must  lie  !  By  jingo.  I 
almost  fancy  I  see  the  joint,  with  the  nice,  curly,  crisp, 
browni   'orse   radish,  sticking   to  it   in  all  directions. — I 

(i 


82  HANDLEY   CROSS 

knows  nothing-  better  than  good  cold  roast,  tinged  with 
red  from  the  f?ravy  in  the  centre. — Doleful  must  be  a 
trump — feel  as  if  I  knew  him.  Keen  fellow  too— Peep-of- 
day  boy. — Dai-e  say  he  found  the  fox  by  the  drag — Oh, 
vot  joy  is  that!  Nothing  to  compare  to  it. — Might  as 
well  have  told  me  more  about  the  'oiuids  too,"  he 
observed,  as  a  glimmering  of  caution  shot  aci'oss  his 
mind. — "Should  like  to  have  a  fair  black  and  white 
understanding  what  they  are  to  cost.  I'm  rich,  to  be 
siu*e,  but  then  a  man  wot's  made  his  own  money  likes  to 
see  to  the  sijending  of  it."  Thereupon  Mr.  Jorrocks  stuck 
his  hands  under  his  coat-laps  and  paced  thoughtfully  i^p 
and  down  the  apartment,  waving  them  sportively  like  the 
tail  of  a  dolphin.  Having  pulled  his  wig  about  in  all 
directions,  he  at  last  composed  himself  at  his  table,  and 
drew  up  the  following  reply  : — 

"Dear  Doleful, 

"Your  agi'eeable  favour  has  come  to  hand,  and 
wei-y  pleasant  it  is.  It  appears  to  be  directed  to  two 
points — the  saluljriosity  of  'Andley  Cross,  and  the 
excellence  of  the  'ounds.  On  the  first  point  I'm  content. 
I  make  no  doubt  the  water's  capital.  Please  tell  me 
more  about  the  'ounds  and  country — are  you  quite  certain 
that  people  will  not  be  backward  in  comin'  foi-ward  with 
the  coin  ?  I've  lived  a  goodish  while  i'  the  world — say  a 
liljeral  'alf  'under'd — and  I've  never  yet  found  money  good 
to  get.  So  long  as  it  consists  of  pen,  ink,  and  paper  work, 
it  conies  in  like  the  hocean ;  many  men  can't  'elp  puttin' 
their  names  down  in  subscription  lists,  specially  when 
payin'  time's  far  off,  ji;st  as  others  can't  help  noddin'  at 
auctions,  but  confound  it,  when  you  come  to  gether  in 
tlie  doits,  there's  an  awful  fallin'  off.  Now  I  think  that 
no  one  should  l.>e  allowed  to  hooi>  and  holloa,  or  set  up 
his  jaw,  wot  liasn't  paid  his  subsciiption.  Howsomever, 
you  shoidd  know  best ;  and  suppose  now,  as  you  seem  full 
of  confidence,  you  undei-write  me  for  so  much,  'cordin'  to 
the  number  of  days  you  want  the  coimtry  'imted. 

"  Turn  this  over  in  your  mind,  and  let  me  know  what 
you  think  of  it;  also  please  tell  me  more  about  the 
'ounds  and  the  counti-y,  for,  in  fact,  as  yet  I  knows 
nothin'.  Are  there  many  old  'ounds  in  the  pack  ?  Are 
there  many  young  ones  to  come  in  ?  What  size  are  they  ? 
Are  they  level  ?  Do  they  cai-ry  a  good  head  ?  Have 
they  plenty  of  bone  ?  Cook  says  a  weedy  'ound  is  only 
fit  to  'unt  a  cat  in  a  kitchen — I  says  ditto  to  that.  What 
sort  of  condition  are  they  in  ?    Cfan  they  trot  out  fifteen 


MR.   JORROCKS 


83 


miles  or  so.  'unt  and  come  back  with  their  stems  up, 
or  do  they  whiles  tire  afore  the  foxes  ?  How  are  you  off 
for  foxes  ?  Are  they  ringers  or  straight  rimners  ?  A 
i-inger  is  only  a  hare  with  tail  to  it.  Do  yon  ever  himt  a 
l>agmau?  Again  I  say.  -v\Tite  to  me  without  reserve- 
quite  freely,  in  fact,  and  believe  me,  &c., 

"  Your's  to  serve. 

■'John  Jorrocks, 

"  Great  Coram  Street,  London. 

"To  MisBSKtMrs  DoLEFir,,  Esq.,  M.C, 
"  C'apt.  Half-pay,  Handley  Cross  Spa." 


This  letter  wa«  a  poser,  for  ,the  wortliy  M.C  had  ud 
notion  of  ninning  risks,  neither  liad  lie  the  knowlodgc 
necessary  for  HU))|ilyiiig  the  inff)iiuation  Mr.  Jorrock.s 
ic(|iiii<'(l;  still  lie  saw  tlie  al>Holute  necefisity  of  j)ersevering 
in  the  negotiation.  a«  there  was  no  ])rol)ability  of  any  one 
else  coming  foi-ward.  In  this  dilemma,  it  occurred  to  him 
that  a  iKjld  stroke  might  be  the  policy,  and  obviate 
further  trouble. 

Accordingly  he  wrote  as  follows : — 

"  Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

'■  Yfuir's  is  just  received.  I  was  on  the  point  of 
writing  to  you  when  it  came.  A  rival  has  aiijtoan'd  for 
the  mastership  of  the  hounds  :  a  great  Nabol)  with  a  bad 


84  HANDLET  CROSS 

liver,  to  whom  the  doctors  have  i-ecommeuded  strong 
horse-exercise,  has  an'ived  with  four  posters,  and  an 
influential  party  is  desirous  of  getting  the  hounds  for 
him.  Money  is  evidently  no  object — he  gave  each  post- 
hoy  a  half-sovereign,  and  a  blind  beggar  two  and  six- 
pence. I  have  protested  most  strongly  against  his  being 
even  thought  of  iintil  your  final  decision  is  known, 
which  pray  give  immediately,  and  for  your  sake,  let  it  be 
in  the  affirmative.  I  can  write  no  more — my  best  energies 
shall  be  put  in  requisition  to  counteract  the  sinister 
proceedings  of  others.  Pray  write  immediately — no  time 
is  to  be  lost.    In  the  greatest  haste, 

"  Faithfully  yours, 

"  MisERRiMus  Doleful,  M.C, 

"  Capt.  Half -pay. 
"  To  John  Joeeocks,  Esq., 

"  Great  Coram  Street,  London." 

This  letter  was  a  sad  puzzler  to  our  worthy  friend. 
In  his  eyes  a  mastership  of  fox-hounds  was  the  highest 
pinnacle  of  ambition,  and  the  situation  was  the  more 
desirable  inasmuch  as  he  had  about  got  all  the  trade  he 
could  in  the  "  cut-me-down  "  countries,  and  shame  to  say, 
they  had  rather  put  him  out  of  conceit  of  the  SiuTey. 
Still  long  experience  had  tinctured  his  naturally  ardent 
and  impetuous  mind  with  some  degree  of  caution,  and 
he  felt  the  importance  of  having  some  sort  of  a  bargain 
before  entering  upon  what  he  well  knew  was  an  onerous 
and  expensive  undertaking.  The  pros  and  cons  he 
weighed  and  turned  over  in  his  mind,  and  the  following 
letter  was  the  result  of  his  cogitations  : — 

"Dear  Doleful, 

''  I  will  candidly  confess  that  to  be  a  master  of 
fox-hounds,  or  M.F.H..  would  be  a  wen-y  higli  step  in  the 
ladder  of  my  hambition.  but  still  I  should  not  like  to  pay 
too  dear  for  my  whistle.  I  doesn't  wish  to  disparage 
the  walue  of  your  Nabob,  but  this  I  may  say,  that  no 
man  with  a  bad  liver  will  ever  make  a  good  'untsman. 
An  'untsman,  or  M.F.H.,  should  have  a  good  digestion, 
with  a  cheerful  countenance,  and,  moreover,  should  know 
when  to  use  the  clean  and  when  the  dirty  side  of  his 
tongue — when  to  butter  a  booby,  and  when  to  snul)  a  snob. 
He  sliould  also  be  indiifei-ent  as  to  weather;  and  Nabobs 
all  come  from  the  East,  where  it  is  werry  'ot — all  sunshine 
and  no  fogs. 


ME.   JOREOCKS  85 

"  Ag'ain.  if  I  am  rig-lit,  they  Inmt  the  jackall,  not  at  all 
a  sportin'  animal,  I  should  say,  from  the  specimens  in  the 
Zoologicals.  Still,  as  I  said  before,  I  doesn't  -wnsh  to 
disparage  the  walue  of  your  Nabob,  who  may  be  a  weiTv 
good  man,  and  have  more  money  and  less  wit  than  myself. 
If  he  is  to  have  the  'oimds,  well  and  good— I  can  go  on 
as  I  'ave  been  doing,  with  the  glorious  old  Surrey,  and  an 
occasional  turn  with  the  '  cut-me-do^vns.'  If  I'm  to  have 
them,  I  should  like  to  know  a  little  more  about  the  £,  s.  d. 
Now,  tell  me  candidly,  like  a  ^ood  fellow,  without  any 
gammon,  wot  you  think  they'll  cost,  and  wot  can  be 
i-aised  in  the  way  of  subscription.  Of  course,  a  man 
that's  raised  to  the  lofty  position  of  an  M.F.H.  must 
expect  to  pay  something  for  the  honour;  and  so  far 
from  wishing  to  live  out  of  the  'ounds.  I  am  well 
disposed  to  do  what  is  liberal,  but  then  I  should  like  to 
know  the  extent  of  my  liability.  Dignity,  in  my  mind, 
should  not  be  too  cheap,  but  betwixt  you  and  I  and  the 
wall  I  rayther  mistrust  a  water-drinker.  To  be  sure 
there  be  two  sorts  o'  water-drinkers  :  those  that  drink  it 
to  save  the  expense  of  treating  themselves  with  aught 
Ijetter,  and  those  wot  undergo  water  for  the  purpose  of 
briugin'  their  stomachs  round  to  stand  summat  stronger. 
Now,  if  a  man  drinks  water  for  pleasure,  he  should  not 
Ije  tnisted,  and  ouglit  to  be  called  upon  for  his  subscrip- 
tion in  advance;  but  if  he  drinks  water  because  he  has 
worn  ont  his  inside  by  strong  libations,  in  all  human 
prfjbability  he  will  be  a  goodish  sort  of  fellow,  and  his 
subscription  will  be  undenvi-itten  for  a  trifle.  All  this 
may  \xi  matter  of  no  moment  to  a  Nabol),  but  to  a  man 
vet's  risen  from  indigence  to  affluence  by  the  unaided 
exertions  of  his  own  head,  it  is  of  importance ;  and  I 
shouhl  like  to  know  werry  particularly  how  many  of  the 
Bubscril^ers  are  woluntary  water-drinkers  and  how  many 
are  water-drinkers  from  necessity. 

"  I  am,  as  you  doubtloss  know,  a  gi-eat  grocer  and  tea 
mercliant,  dcalin'  wlioU-sale  and  retail,  importing  direct 
from  China,  which  I  Huppose  will  be  the  country  your 
NaV>ob  comes  from;  and  unfort\inately  at  the  present 
writing  my  junior  jiartner.  Simon  Siiiii)kins,  sonior,  is  on 
a  trading  tour,  ami  \  can't  well  l)e  wanted  at  the  shoi*, 
otlierwisel  would  run  down  and  have  a  jtersonal  interview 
with  you;  but  I  had  a  ictt^-rthis  moniingfrom  liiidders- 
field,  in  which  he  says  he  will  be  l>ack  as  on  Friday  at 
fai-thest;  therefore  as  the  season  is  Hj>onding,  and  the 
'ounds  should  \ni  kept  going,  I  conld,  should  your 
answerl  V>e  agreeable,  run   down  on   the  Saturday   and 


86  HANDLEY  CROSS 

make  an-angenieuts  for  taking  the  field  immediately. 
Of  com-se  I  presume  there  is  everything  ready  for  the 
purpose,  and  a  mounted  master  is  all  wot  is  wanted.  J 
only  keep  two  'osses — wliat  the  lawyers  call '  qui  tam'ers ' 
— '  'osses  that  ride  as  well  as  drive,'  and  they  would  only 
do  for  my  own  riding.  I  have  also  a  sharp  London 
lad,  who  has  been  with  me  in  the  '  cut-me-downs,'  who 
might  make  a  second  whip;  and  my  establishment 
consists  of  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  my  niece  Belinda,  Betsay 
the  maid,  and  Binjimin  the  boy.  Of  course,  Mrs.  J.,  as 
the  wife  of  the  M.F.H.,  would  expect  all  proper  attention. 
"  I  shall  want  a  comfortable  house  to  accommodate 
this  party,  and  if  I  coidd  get  one  with  stabling  attached, 
it  would  be  agreeable.  Perhaps  you  may  know  some- 
thing of  the  sort,  the  willa  style  would  be  agreeable. 
I  think  that's  all  I've  got  to  say — indeed,  I  haven't 
paper  for  more,  so  shall  conclude  for  self  and  partners, 

"  Tour's  to  serve, 

"John  Jorrocks. 

"To  MiBERuiMus  Doleful,  Esq.,  M.C, 
"  Uandley  Cro.H8  Spa." 

Doleful  was  in  ecstasies  when  he  got  this  letter,  for 
he  plainly  saw  the  Nabob  had  told  upon  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
and  that  he  was  fairly  entering  the  meshes  of  his  net. 
The  letter,  indeed,  was  unexceptionable,  save  the  mention 
of  his  avocation  of  a  grocer,  which  Doleful  determined 
to  keep  to  himself,  merely  announcing  him  as  a  gentle- 
man of  large  fortune,  whose  father  had  been  connected 
with  trade.  Recollecting  that  Diana  Lodge  was  to  let, 
he  forthvsdth  secured  the  refusal  of  it  at  three  guineas 
a  week,  and  calling  on  Fleeceall,  concocted  a  most 
flattering  list  of  suljscribers  and  members  of  the  hunt, 
which  he  fonvarded  to  Mr.  Jorrocks  with  the  following 
letter : — 

"Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  By  the  greatest  good  luck  in  the  world, 
Diana  Lodge,  within  a  stone's  throw  of  the  kennel,  came 
vacant  this  morning,  and  not  liaving  the  slightest 
doul>t  that  on  inspection  of  the  accompanying  list  of 
suliscribers  to  the  liounds  and  members  of  our  cele- 
brated hunt,  which  you  wiU  see  l>y  tlie  letters  A.  and  B. 
{)refixed  to  their  names,  contain  very  few  of  those  most 
loiTiljle  characters  water-drinkers  from  choice,  you  will 


MR.  JORROCKS  87 

immediately  accept  the  lionom-able  office  of  '  Master,' 
I  have  engaged  it  for  you  at  the  very  moderate  rent  of 
foiu-  guineas  a-week,  including  everything.  It  is  a 
cottage  om6e,  as  you  say  in  France,  entered  by  an 
ivy-covered  trellis-work  arch,  tastefully  entwined  with 
winter  roses,  now  in  full  blow.  In  the  passage  is  a 
highly-polished  Honduras  mahogany  table  on  claw-feet 
castors,  for  hats,  whips,  gloves,  cigar-cases,  Sic.  On  the 
right  is  a  dining-room  of  comfortable  dimensions,_with 
another  Honduras  mahogany  table,  capable  of  dining 
eight  people,  the  orthodox  size  for  a  pai*ty,  with  a 
Honduras  mahogany  cellaret  sideljoard  with  patent 
locks,  and  a  dumb-waiter  on  castors.  The  carpet  is  a 
Turkey  one,  and  the  laig  a  Kiddei-minster,  of  a  pattern 
t<j  match  the  carpet.  On  the  left  of  tlie  passage  is  a 
drawing-room  of  the  same  size  as  the  dining-room, 
furnished  in  a  style  of  unpai-alleled  elegance. 

'■  The  chairs,  ten  in  uimiber,  are  of  massive  imitation- 
rosewood,  witli  beaded  and  railed  backs  and  round 
knobs  along  the  tops,  and  richly-cai-ved  legs.  In  the 
centre  is  a  beautiful  round  imitation-rosewood  table  on 
square  lion-clawed  brass  castors,  and  the  edge  of  the 
table  is  deeply  inlaid  with  a  broad  circle  of  richly- 
carved,  highly-polished  brass.  Against  the  wall,  below 
a  costly  round  mirror,  supported  by  a  bronze  eagle  in 
chains,  is  a  square  imitation-rosewood  table  inlaid  with 
satin-wood  in  lines,  containing  two  drawers  on  each  side, 
with  ivory  knobs  for  Iiandles.  The  carpet  is  a  fine 
flowered  patteni,  richer  than  anything  I  can  describe, 
and  tlie  whole  is  wondei-fully  complete  and  surpassingly 
elegant. 

"There  ai-e  four  bedrooms,  and  a  dressing-room  which 
liolds  a  Ijed,  and  a  kitchen,  back-kitchen,  scullery, 
pantry,  and  other  conveniences.  To  the  back  is  a 
nice  little  outlet  of  a  quarter  of  an  acre,  laid  o\it  in  the 
style  of  the  Jardin  dos  Plantes  at  Paris;  and  there  is  a 
splendid  old  patriarch  of  a  noacock,  tliat  stnitH  about 
the  walls,  sim-ads  his  tail,  and  screams  dfliglitl'ully.  in 
short,  it  ai)i)e;irH  t<)  me  to  have  been  built  with  :ni  eye  to 
the  rfsidcnce  of  a  master  of  hounds. 

"  And  this  loads  me  t«  tell  you  that  the  Nabob  has 
l>een  <<>  tho  konnel,  attended  by  two  Nfgroos.  (mo  of 
whom  held  a  large  groon  i);irasol  over  his  lioad  t()_ protect 
him  from  the  sun,  while  the  other  cMnitMl  a  chinchilla, 
fur-lined,  blue  silk  cloak  to  guard  him  from  the  cold. 
I  hear  he  talked  vei-y  big  about  tiger-hunting  and 
elephant-riding,  and  said  the  waters  here  had  done  his 


88  HANDLKY   CROSS 

liver  a  vast  deal  of  j^ood.  I  may  observe  that  it  is 
possible  an  attempt  may  be  made  by  a  few  troublesome 
fellows  to  place  him  at  the  head  of  tlie  establishment, 
particularly  if  you  any  longer  delay  appearing  among 
us.  My  advice  to  you  therefore  is,  to  place  yourself, 
yoiu-  amiable  lady,  and  accomplished  niece,  with  your 
servants,  horses,  &c.,  on  the  mid-day  Lily-white-sand 
train,  on  Friday  next,  and  make  a  public  entry  and 
procession  from  the  Datton  Station  into  Handley  Cross, 
showering  half-pence  among  the  little  boys  as  you  go. 
I  will  take  upon  myself  to  muster  and  marshal  such  a 
procession  as  will  have  an  imposing  appearance,  and  the 
Nabol)  wiU  be  a  very  bold  man  if  he  makes  any  attempt 
upon  the  hounds  after  that. 

"  I  need  not  say  that  your  amiable  lady  will  receive 
from  me,  as  M.C.  of  Handley  Cross,  all  those  polite 
attentions  that  are  invariably  paid  by  all  well-bred  gentle- 
men in  the  dignified  situation  I  have  the  honour  to  hold, 
more  particularly  from  those  bearing  Her  Majesty's 
Commission  in  the  Army  ;  and  in  the  table  of  precedence 
among  women  that  I  have  laid  down  for  the  regulation 
of  the  aristocratic  visitors  of  Handley  Cross  Spa,  the 
lady  of  the  M.F.H.  comes  on  after  the  members  of  the 
Royal  Family,  and  before  all  bishops'  wives  and 
daughters,  peeresses,  knights'  dames,  justices' wives,  and 
so  foi-th.  Expecting  then  to  meet  you  at  the  Datton 
Station  on  the  Lily-white-sand  Railway,  at  three  o'clock 
on  Friday  next,  and  to  have  the  supreme  felicity  of 
making  the  personal  acquaintance  of  a  gentleman  who 
so  worthily  fills  so  large  a  space  in  the  world's  eye,  I 
have  the  honour  to  subscribe  myself,  with  hmnble 
respects  to  the  ladies,  dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  Faithfully  yom-'s, 

"  MisEERiMus  Doleful,  M.C, 

"Capt.  Half -pay." 

And  Jorrocks  seeing  there  was  as  much  chance  of 
getting  infomiation  by  correspondence  as  there  was  of 
getting  the  truth  by  inten-ogatories  in  the  days  of  old 
Chancery  suits,  determined  to  stand  the  shot,  and  wrote 
to  say  that  henceforth  they  might  append  the  magic 
letters,  M.F.H. ,  to  his  name.  And  forthwith  he  l^ecame 
80  inflated,  that  Great  Coram  Street  itself  could  hardly 
hold  him. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

CAPTAIN   DOLEFTJL's  DIFFICtlXTIES 

What  a  fuss  there  was  prepariuu:  foi-  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
reception  I— Captain  Doleful  was  pei-fectly  beside  him- 
self, and  ran  about  the  town  as  though  he  expected  her 
Majesty.  First  he  went  to  the  proprietary  school,  and 
begged  a  half  holiday  for  all  the  little  boys  and  girls ; 
next  he  visited  Mr.  Whacicem's  mathematical  seminary, 
and  did  the  like  by  his  ;  Miss  Prim  and  Miss  Prosy  both 
promised  to  "  suspend  the  duties  of  their  respective 
establishments "  for  the  afternoon ;  and  thi-ee  infant 
schools  were  released  from  lessons  aU  the  day.  "  Jor- 
rocks  for  ever."  was  chalked  upon  the  walls,  doors  and 
shutters ;  and  little  children  sung  out  his  name  in  lisping 
acclamations.  Publicans  looked  cheerful,  and  livery 
stable  keepers,  ostlers,  and  helpers  talked  about  the  price 
of  'ay  and  com.  Sebastian  Mello  called  a  meeting  of 
the  Religious  Freedom  S(jciety,  wlio  voted  eight-and- 
twenty  shillings  for  placarding  the  town  with  the  follow- 
ing comfortable  assurance— "  Fox-hunters  will  all 

GO  TO ." 

The  banner  with  tlie  fox  upon  it,  and  the  "  Floreat 
Scientia"  scroll  paint<^il  for  the  celebrated  ball  and 
supi>f;r,  was  released  from  the  darkness  of  Mr.  Fleece- 
all  s  gaiTct,  where  it  liad  Ijoen  deposited  after  the  enter- 
tainment, and  mounted  on  poles  to  lead  the  way  in  the 
iirocession ;  while  the  milliners,  mantuamakers,  and 
tailors  were  severally  called  upon  to  contril>ut<;  silk, 
calico,  and  bunting  for  flags,  decoi-ations,  and  i-iltlions. 
Wliatfiver  Doleful  demanded  was  nfccKsarily  ceded,  so 
absolute  was  bis  sway  over  the  trad(!Hpeople  at  the  Spa. 
He  was  indeed  a  very  great  man.  Did  a  new  cheese- 
monger, or  a  new  liatt<;r,  or  a  new  uiilk-wf)man,  wisli  to 
settle  in  tlu;  [ilace,  the  good-will  of  the  MX',  was  in- 
variably to  be  obtained,  else  it  w;is  to  little  use  their 
troubling  themselves  t<j  come ;  ;ind  the  per(iuisites  and 
advantiiges  derived  from  these  sources  niride  a  c((nifort- 
able  addition   to   his   yearly  income,   arising  froin  the 


90  HANDLET  CROSS 

subscription  Look  at  the  liljrary.  The  musicians  at  the 
wells  were  also  under  his  control,  and  of  course  they 
received  intinuitions  to  be  at  the  Datton  station  before 
the  hour  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  had  privately  announced  his 
intention  to  arrive. 

The  morning  sun  broke  cheerfully  through  the  clouds 
in  a  good,  doAvnrightly,  determined  fine  day,  and  as 
Doleful  threw  open  the  latticed  casement  of  his  window, 
and  his  eye  roved  to  the  "  sun-bright  simimit "  of  the 
distant  hills,  he  poiu-ed  forth  an  inward  ejaculation  for 
the  success  of  the  great  enterprise  of  the  day,  and  for 
his  own  especial  honour  and  emolument.  In  the  midst 
of  his  reverie,  Jemima,  the  maid  of  all  work  and  shop- 
girl of  the  1:  ouse,  taj^ped  gently  at  his  door,  and  handed 
in  a  three-cornered  note  wi-itten  on  i^ink  satin  highly 
musked  paper.  Doleful  started  as  though  he  had  seen 
an  apparition,  for  in  the  hand  he  immediately  recognized 
the  wi'iting  of  his  great  patroness,  Mrs.  Barnington,  and 
the  recollection  of  Mrs.  JoiTOcks,  the  table  of  precedence 
among  women,  whereby  the  latter  was  to  supplant  Mrs. 
Barnington,  the  baits  and  lui-es  he  had  held  out  for 
the  purpose  of  seciu-ing  the  Jorrocks' s,  together  with 
the  honour  he  was  then  instigating  the  inhal)itants  to 
do  Mr.  J.,  all  rushed  upon  his  mind  with  ten'ible 
velocity.  Nor  did  the  contents  of  the  note  assuage  the 
anguish  of  his  mind.  It  was  simj^ly  this:  "Mrs.  Barning- 
ton will  thank  Cai^t.  Doleful  to  wait  ui^on  her  at  twenty- 
three  minutes  before  eleven." 

*'  Twenty-thi-ee  minutes  before  eleven !  "  exclaimed  the 
Captain,  throwing  up  his  hands,  looking  like  a  con- 
demned criminal — "  How  like  her  that  is  !  always  i)er- 
emptory  with  others  and  never  i)imctual  herself ;  well, 
there's  no  help  for  it.  Jemima,"  exclaimed  he,  down 
the  naiTOw  staircase,  to  the  girl  who  had  returned  to 
the  shop,  "  my  comiiliments  to  Mrs.  Barnington,  and 
say  I  will  make  a  point  of  being  with  her  at  the  time 
she  names.  I  wonder,"  continued  he  to  himself,  pacing  up 
and  down  his  little  bedroom  in  his  dressing-gown  and 
slijjpers,  "  what  .she  can  want — it  must  be  about  the 
JoiTocks's— and  yet  I  coidd  not  do  otherwise  than  I 
have.  If  she  stoi-ms,  I'll  rebel,  and  trounce  her  for  aU 
her  airs ;  by  Jove,  I  will !  "  saying  which,  he  clenched 
his  fist,  and,  looking  in  the  glass,  brushed  up  the  few 
straggling  hairs  that  marked  the  place  for  whiskers,  and 
felt  quite  valiant.  His  courage,  however,  rather  oozed 
out  of  his  finger  ends,  as  the  ajjijointed  hoiu-  approached, 
and  at  twenty-one  minutes  before  eleven  by  his  watch, 


CAPTAIN   DOLEFUL'S  DIFFICULTIES  91 

and  twenty-two  and  a  half  by  the  church  clock,  he 
arrived  at' the  door  of  his  ar))itrary  nnd  capricious 
patroness. 

"Mistress  is  in  her  boudoir,"  said  the  consequential 
butler  on  receiving  the  Captain  at  the  hands  of  the 
footman,  '"but  I'll  send  up  your  name.  Please  step 
into  the  parloiu-;"  and  thereupon  he  tiu-ned  the 
Captain  into  the  fireless  dining-room,  and  closed  the 
door  upon  him. 

Towards  twelve  o'clock,  just  as  the  Captain's  courage 
was  nearly  up  again,  and  he  had  thrice  applied  his  hand 
to  the  ivory  knob  of  the  bell-spring  to  see  which  way  it 
turned  against  he  wanted  to  ring,  in  strutted  the  butler 
again,  with  "  Missis's  compliments,  sir,  and  is  sorry  she 
is   indisposed  at  present,  and  hopes  it  will  not  be  in- 
convenient to  you  to  return  at  ten  minutes  Ijef  ore  three." 
— "  Ten  minutes  before  three,"  exclaimed  the  Captain,  as 
a  tinge  of  colour  rose  to  his  pallid  cheeks,  "  impossible," 
said  he,  ''impossible!''    Then,  recollecting  himself,  he 
desired  the  butler  to  return  with  his  respects  to  Mrs. 
Bamington,  and  say  that  at  any  hour  next  day  he  would 
have  great  pleasure  in  waiting  upon  her,  but  that  his 
time  was  completely  bespoke  for  the  whole  afternoon. 
The    butler    forthwith    departed,  and   in  al>out  three- 
quai-tei-s  of  an  hour,  during  which  time  Mrs.  Barning- 
ton  had  finished  a  nap  on  tlie  sofa,  and  arranged  an 
elegant  negligee  toilette  wherein  to  appear,  the  butler 
returned,  and   witli   a   bow  and  wave  of  his  hand  an- 
nounced that  "Missis  would  see   the   Captain,"  whom 
lie    preceded  up-stairs  and  handed  over  to   Bandoline, 
the    little    French    maid,    stationed    at   the    door   who 
ushered  the  Captain   into  the  presence    of    Mrs.    Ba,r- 
nington  in  tlie  liack   drawing-room.     She  was  lying  in 
state,  on  a  costly   many-cuahioned    crimson  and   gold 
ottoman,  dressed  in  a  fawn-coloured  rob<:!  do  chainl)i'e, 
witli  a   rich    white   Caclimere   slunvl   thrown    carelessly 
about  lier  legs,  }>elow  which  her  elegantly-formed  feet 
in      pink     swan's-down-lined    8lipj)erH    prutrudc'd.     Her 
iiioniing  cap  of  costly  W(jrkiiianshi|)  was  oniamcnted  and 
tied  with    l>road  satin   cliPrry-coloMrod    ril)b()nH,    wliicli, 
witli  the  colour  of  the  ottoman  and  cusliioiis.  iiii|.;ii  ted 
a  gentle  hue  to  her  clear  but  delicate  coiiii)lexion,  and 
her  bright  silky  hair  flowed  in  luxuriant  tresses  from  the 
sides.     She  wasanialade  imaginaire-ist.  having  originally 
eouH'   as    a    jiatient  of   Swiz/le'n;     but   that   roistering 
practitioner   had   grievously   offended   lier  by  abrujitly 
closing  a  long  list  of  inquiries  Ijy  replying  to  theciuestion 


92 


HANDLEY  CROSS 


if  he  tliouglit  slie  migrlit  eat  a  few  oystei-s,  witli,  "  Oli, 
liane  it,  marm,  yes,  sliells  and  all ! "  She  was  now  pre- 
tendin;?  to  read  the  Handley  Cross  Paul  Pry,  while  with 
her  left  hand  she  kept  applying  a  costly  ^old  vinaigrette 
to  her  nose.  The  room  was  a  mass  of  jewellery,  costly 
furniture,  and  expensive  flowers. 

"  Good  morning,  Captain,"  said  she,  with  the  slightest 


possible  inclination  of  her  head. — "Bandoline,  set  a 
chair,"  wliich  she  motioned  the  Captain  to  occupy,  and 
the  pretty  little  maid  depai-ted.  _ "  Pray,"  said  she,  as 
soon  as  the  door  closed.  "  what  is  the  meaning  of  all 
this  to-do  about  a  Mr.  Horrocks,  that  I  read  of  in  the 
Paul  Pry  ?  " 

'C"Mr.  Hon-ocks,"  replied  the  Captain,  colouring, 
"really,  marm,",  I   don't  know— it's   the  first  time  I've 


CAPTAIN  DOLEFXJL's  DIFFICULTIES  93 

heard  the  name  mentioned  tliis  lon^  time, — there  was 
a  Mr.  Horrocks  lived  in  Sileniis  Villa  the  year  before 
last,  but  I  understood  he  had  gone  back  to  India." 

"Oh,  no,"  replied  Mrs.  Barnington.  "that's  quite 
another  i^erson — these  are  Londoners— tradespeople, 
I  hear,  and  the  man  HoiTocks,  the  paper  says,  is  to 
have  the  hounds." 

"  Oh,"  replied  the  Captain,  now  blushing  to  the  very 
tips  of  his  ears,  "you've  mistaken  the  name,  mai-m. 
Tes.  marm. — It's  JoiTOcks,  mami — Mister  JoiTOcks  of 
Great  Coram  Street,  mai-m,  a  merchant  prince,  maiin 
— at  least  his  father  was.  The  present  Mr.  Jon-ocks 
is  a  mighty  sportsman,  and  hearing  the  hounds  were 
without  a  leader,  he  -rn-ote  to  offer  himself,  and  some  of 
the  sporting  gentry  of  the  place  have  been  in  treaty 
with  him  to  take  them ;  but  I  need  not  tell  you,  Mrs. 
Bamington,  that  Imnting  is  not  an  amusement  I  am 
partial  to,  indeed  I  hope  I  may  never  have  occasion  to  go 
out  again ;  but  you  know  that  as  Master  of  the  Cere- 
monies I  am  obliged  to  countenance  many  things  that  I 
would  gladly  avoid."' 

"  True,"  replied  Mrs.  Bamington,  with  a  smile  of 
approbation — "I  thought  you  would  not  be  likely  to 
encoui'age  vulgar  people  coming  here  merely  because 
they  don't  care  for  breaking  their  necks  over  hedges  and 
ditches— but  tell  me.  isn't  there  a  Mrs.  JoiTOcks  ?  " 

"  I  imderstand  so,"  replied  the  Captain  with  a  hem 
and  a  haw ;  "  a  lady  of  birth,  they  say ;  but  had  I 
known  you  would  have  interested  yourself  in  the 
matter,  I  should  certainly  have  informed  myself,  so  as 
to  have  l>een  aljle  to  tell  you  all  about  her." 

"  Oh  dear  no !  not  for  the  world  !— whether  as  a  lady 
of  birth  or  a  tradesman's  wife,  it  would  never  do  for  me  to 
concern  inysflf  about  them.  You  know  my  position 
liere  is  not  to  Ito  controverted  Ity  any  intorloiiers,  be 
they  who  they  may,— or  come  from  whore  they  will." 

"  Undoulitedly  not,  marm,"  replied  the  obseciuious 
M.C. ;  "there's  not  a  jjorson  in  the  place  inKPnsil)le  of 
the  advantages  of  your  lu-osence;  tmt  I  sliould  liope, 
— at  least,  perhaps  I  niiiy  venture  to  (jxijrcss  a  slight 
wish, — thiit  if  tliose  Jorrocks's  appear  rcsueclnble  i>eo])le, 
you  will  for  the  sake  of  social>ility  voucnsafe  them  the 
favour  of  your  countenancr*,  and  condescend  to  notice 
them  a  Utile" 

"I  don't  know  what  to  say  :ibont  ihiii,  iny  dear 
Ciiiitain,"  rei»Iied  Mrs.  Barningdm,  tliuiigliHiilly. 
■  If  tlicy  iij^Kjar  rcspectalde  i)eoi>le,  and   if  they  live 


94  HANDLET  CROSS 

in  a  certain  style,  and  if  I  thought  the  matter 
would  rest  at  Handley  Oi'oss,  and  they  would  not 
obti'ude  their  acquaintance  upon  me  elsewhere,  and  if 
they  appeared  sensi])le  of  the  oliligation,  I  might  per- 
haps call  upon  them;  hut  where  there  are  so  many 
points  to  consider,  and  so  many  to  ascertain,  it  is  almost 
needless  speculating  ujjon  how  one  might  act ;  all  that 
we  can  do  for  the  present  is  to  maintain  one's  own 
consequence,  and  you  know  full  well  the  only  way 
to  support  a  place  like  this  is  to  uphold  the  dignity 
of  the  chief  patroness." 

"  No  doubt,"  replied  Captain  Doleful,  with  a  half- 
suppressed  sigh  as  the  table  of  precedence  among  women 
came  across  his  mind.  "I  am  sure,  Madam,  I  have 
always  been  most  anxioiis  to  pay  you  every  respect  and 
attention  in  my  power,  and  if  I  have  failed  it  has  been 
owing  to  the  multiplicity  of  my  engagements  and  duties, 
and  not  from  any  want  of  inclination  on  my  part."^ — "  I'm 
sure  of  it,  Captain;  and  now  let  us  see  you  back  here 
at  dinner  at  ten  minutes  past  six." — "With  pleasure," 
replied  the  Captain,  rising  to  depai*t,  with  a  grin  of 
satisfaction  on  his  melancholy  visage. 

"  Stay  one  moment."  resumed  Mrs.  Barnington,  as  the 
Captain  was  leaving  the  room.  "  The  jjaper  says  these 
people  aiTive  to-day.  If  you  chance  to  see  them  or  can 
find  anything  out  about  them,  you  know,  well  and  good 
— perhaps  Mr.  Barnington  might  like  to  know." — "  By 
all  means,"  replied  the  obsequioiis  M.C.,  backing  coui-tier- 
like  out  of  the  room,  and  nearly  splitting  himself  up 
with  the  now  opening  door. 


CHAPTER  IX 

THE   CONQUEEING   HERO   COMES 

The  clear  Iji-ight  beauty  of  the  day,  combined  with  the 
attraction  of  a  stranger  coming  to  fill  so  impoi'tiuit  a 
situation  as  master  of  fox-hounds,  drew  many  to  the 
Datton  Railway  Station  who  were  i^reviously  unac- 
quainted even  with  the  name  of  "  JoiTOcks  " ;  though  it 
is  but  right  to  state  that  the  ignorant  portion  consisted 
principally  of  the  fair  sex ;  most  men,  whether  sportsmen 
or  not.  having  heard  of  his  fame  and  exploits. 

All  the  flys,  hack  horses,  donkeys,  and  ponies  were 
iDespoke  as  usual ;  and  many  set  out  at  noon  to  secure 

?ood  berths  at  the  station.  Precisely  at  two  o'clock 
'aptain  Doleful  ai)i)earod  at  Miss  Jelly's  door,  attired  in 
a  dress  that  would  puzzle  the  "proi)ei'ty  man"  of  a 
theatre.  It  wa.s  nearly  the  same  as  ho  exhibited  hiuisolf 
in  on  the  memorable  opening  day  of  the  committee  of 
management.  The  old  single-breasted  militia  coat, 
lU-nuded  of  its  fa(;ings  and  trajipings,  with  a  sky-blue 
"Hilar  and  sky-blue  linings,  and  a  short,  slirivelled,  butt 
korseynu'ro  waistcoat,  with  iiH)i]i<'r-oi'-])eMr!  buttons,  old 
white  moleskin  ln-eeches,  well  (l;irn<'il  and  iiatclird  at  the 
knees,  and  b;idiy-cleaned  Hossian  boots  and  lilac^k  heel 
.spurs.  -His  hands  weri'  covond  with  a  i)air  fif  dirty-wliite 
kid  gloves;  an<l  i)i  his  right  one  he  carried  a  large  hin\t- 
ing-whip.  An  oil-skin-cover«'(l  hat,  sfcured  to  a  bii1t(m- 
iiole  of  his  waistcoiit  by  a  yard  of  Kky-blu(!  pi'iniy  ribbon, 
comjileted  tlu'  rigging  of  this  sporting  ilandy. 

Having  witlidrawn  his  coiint<'nance  and  custom  from 
Sam  Slickem  after  the  affair  of  the  kicking  mare  (the 
effect  of  which  had  teen  considerably  i<>  imiioverish  Mr. 
Sam),  of  course  all  the  other  pi-oprictoi-s  of  hack  horses 
were  on  the  alfi-t  to  please  the  great  M.(;.,  and  on  this 
day  he  was  mounted  )>y  Duncan  Nevin  on  his  white  mare. 
Fair  Rosamond,  who  was  generally  honoured  by  caiTy- 


96 


HANDLEY  CROSS 


iiig  pretty  Miss  Lovelace,  once  the  head  beauty  of  the 
place — but  who  beinof  unable  to  ride  this  day,  it  came 
into  the  hands  of  the  Captain. 
_  To  make  the  mare  more  complete,  althoug'h  in  winter 
time,  its  ears  were  decorated  with  white  fly-nets  and 
dangling  tassels,  and  from  the  saddle  hung  a  large  net 
of  the  same  colour  and  texture,  with  a  broad  fringe, 


<^;^o^g^5^g^ii.  ■-. 


US: 


completly  covering  her  liind  quarters  and  reaching  below 
her  hocks. 

Doleful  eyed  the  whole  with  a  grin  of  satisfied  delight, 
and  never  did  field-marshal  mount  his  charger  for 
review  with  a  more  self-complacent  air  than  sat  upon  the 
brow  of  this  distinguished  character.  Having  steadied 
himself  in  his  stin-ups,  and  gatliered  up  the  reins,  he  cast 
an  eye  l^tween  the  barley-sugar  and  cake  cans  in  Miss 


THE  CONQUERING  HERO  COMES  97 

Jelly's  window,  aud  hissinj?  at  the  mare  tlirou^li  liis  teeth 
with  a  jerk  of  tlie  reins,  went  oif  in  a  canter.  A  rai-e- 
actioned  beast  it  was  too !  Vp  and  down,  up  and  down 
it  went,  so  light  and  so  easy,  and  niakinpr  so  little 
progi'ess  withal,  that  Ducrow  himself  might  have  envied 
the  possession  of  it. 

Thus  Doleful  went  tip-tup-ping  along  throiigh  the 
silent  streets,  to  the  infinite  delight  of  all  the  Johns  and 
Jennies,  who  were  left  to  flatten  their  noses  against  the 
windows  during  their  masters'  and  mistresses'  absence, 
and  here  and  there  exciting  the  anger  of  a  butcher's  dog, 
or  farmer's  cur,  that  flew  at  the  mare's  heels,  with  an 
indignant  bark  as  she  passed. 

Having  timed  himself  to  a  nicety,  oin*  gallant  M.C. 
arrived  at  the  station  just  as  the  last  fly  aud  flight  of 
donkeys  drew  up  outside  the  iron  railing  that  runs 
along  the  railroad  from  the  station-house,  and,  in  the 
absence  of  Mr.  Jorrocks,  of  com'se  he  was  the  object  of 
atti-action.  "  Good  moraing,  Captain  Doleful,"  exclaimed 
a  dozen  sweet  voices  from  all  sorts  of  vehicles,  for  women 
will  toady  a  Master  of  Ceremonies,  be  he  what  he  may ; 
and  thereupon  the  Captain  gave  one  of  his  featiu'e- 
wrinkling  grins,  and  raised  his  oil-skin-covered  hat  as 
high  as  the  yard  of  jjenny  ribbon  would  allow,  while  all 
the  little  boys  and  girls,  for  whom  he  had  obtained 
half -holiday,  burst  into  loiul  acclamations,  as  they  stood 
or  sat  on  Lily-white-sand  l)arrels,  hazel  l^undles,  and 
other  misceUaneouK  articles  waiting  for  conveyance  by 
the  railway.  "  Now,  children,  mind,  Ije  orderly,  and 
attend  to  what  I  told  you,"  said  the  Captain,  eyeing  his 
juvenile  friends  as  though  he  were  marshalling  them  for 
a  quadrille.  '"It  now  wants  but  ten  minutes  to  the 
coming  of  the  tniin,  so  Ix;  getting  yourselves  in  order, 
unfurl  the  flags ;  and  you,  musicians,"  turning  to  th(! 
])romenade  liand,  who  were  hard  at  work  with  some  XX, 
■■  be  getting  your  instruments  ready,  to  welcome  Mr. 
.lorrocks  with  '  See  the  conciuering  hero  comes!'"  As 
tlie  minutes  flew,  the  scene  became  more  inspiriting. 
Eyes  were  stained  up  the  railway  in  the  direction  he  was 
to  come,  and  ears  were  open  to  catcli  the  first  sound  of 
tiie  engine.  All  was  anxiety  and  expectatioji.  Hope 
and  fear  vacillated  on  ovei*y  countenance.  "  Should  ne 
not  come,  what  a  bore ! "  "  Oil,  but  lie's  certain  to 
aiTive,  an<l  Mrs.  Jorrocks  too,  ani't  they.  Captain  P " 
The  Captfiin  looked  thfuightful  and  niysterioiiH,  as  all 
great  men  should,  but  deigu'-d  no  reply. 

Precisely  at  three-quarters  of  a  minute  before  three,  a 

H 


98  HANDLEY  CROSS 

wild  shrill  whistle,  that  seemed  to  issue  from  the  bowels 
of  the  earth  and  to  nin  rierht  wyy  into  mid-air,  was  heard 
at  the  back  of  Shaviugton  Hill,  and,  in  an  instant,  the 
enpfine  and  long:  ti*ain  rounded  the  base,  the  enpfine 
smokin]?  and  snorting  like  an  exasperated  crocodile. 
Nearer  and  nearer  it  comes,  with  a  thundering  sort  of 
hum  that  sounds  throughout  the  country.  The  wondei-- 
ing  ploughman  stops  his  team.  The  cows  and  sheep 
stand  staring  with  astonishment,  while  the  horses  take  a 
look,  and  then  gallop  about  the  fields,  kicking  up  their 
heels  and  snorting  with  delight.  The  guard's  red  coat 
on  the  engine  is  visible — next  his  gold  hat-band  appears 
^now  we  read  the  Hercules  on  the  engine,  and  anon  it 
pulls  up  with  a  whiff,  a  puff,  and  a  whistle,  under  the 
slate-covered  shed,  to  give  the  Hercules  his  water,  and 
set  down  and  take  up  passengers  and  goods.  Seven  first- 
class  jiassenger  caiTiages  follow  the  engine,  all  smart, 
clean,  and  yellow,  with  appropriate  names  on  each  door 
panel — The  Prince  Albert,  Queen  Victoria,  and  the 
Prince  of  Wales,  The  Venus,  The  Mercury,  The  Comet, 
and  The  Star;  next  come  ten  second-class  ones,  green, 
with  covered  tops  and  half-covered  sides,  bvit  in  neither 
set  is  there  anything  at  all  like  the  JoiTOcks'  party. 
Cattle-pens  follow,  holding  sheep,  swine,  donkeys,  and 
poultry;  then  came  an  open  platfonn  with  a  broken 
britzka,  followed  by  a  ciu-ious-looking  nondescript  one- 
horse  vehicle,  containing  a  fat  man  in  a  low-crowned  hat, 
and  a  versatio  or  reversible  coat,  with  the  preferable  side 
outwards.  Along  with  him  were  two  ladies  muffled  np 
in  cloaks,  and  at  the  back  was  a  good-looking  servant- 
maid.  From  the  bottom  of  the  can-iage  swung  a  couple 
of  hams  and  a  large  waiming-pan. 

"  Pray  is  Mr.  Jorrocks  here  ?  "  inquired  the  elegant 
M.C.,  who  had  persuaded  the  station-master  to  let  him 
in  upon  the  line,  riding  his  white  charger  near  the  door 
of  the  first-class  carriage,  and  raising  his  hat  as  he 
spoke ;  but  getting  no  answer,  he  continued  his  inter- 
rogatory down  the  whole  set  until  he  came  to  the  end, 
when  casting  a  despairing  glance  at  the  cattle  pens,  he 
was  about  to  wheel  round,  when  the  gentleman  in  the 
versatio  coat,  in  a  very  stentorian  voice,  roared  out,  "  I 
say.  Sir  !  Baint  this  the  'Andley  Cross  station  ?  " 

"  It  is,  Sir,"  replied  Captain  Doleful,  in  his  most  dignified 
manner,  "  the  Datton  station  for  Handley  Cross  at  least." 

"  Then  I  want  to  land,"  responded  the  same  sweet  voice. 

"  Here's  a  gentleman  wants  to  be  down,"  observed 
Captain  Doleiul  to  the  scarlet-coated  giiard,  who  came 


THK    CONQT7EKINO    HEKO   COMES  99 

bustling  past  with  a  pen  of  Cochin-Chinas  to  put  npon 
the  train. 

'■  Yes,  a  gentleman  and  two  ladies."  roared  oin-  friend ; 
"  MiSTEK  AND  Missis  Joreocks,  in  fact,  and  Miss 
JOREOCKs  1  ■■ 

■■  Bless  my  heart,"  exclaimed  Captain  Dolefnl  in 
ecstasies,  "  how  delighted  I  am  to  see  you !  I  really 
thought  you  were  not  coming,"  and  thereupon  the  Captain 
raised  his  hat  to  the  ladies,  and  offered  his  hand  most 
cordially  to  Mr.  Jorroeks. 

"  What,  you  knows  me,  do  you  ?  "  replied  Mr.  Jorroeks, 
with  the  sort  of  doul)tful  shake  of  the  hand  that  a  person 
gives  when  he  thinks  the  next  moment  may  discover  a 
mistake.  "  You  knows  me,  do  you  h  "  repeated  he ;  "  yoii 
have  the  adwantage  of  me — pray  who  are  you  ?  " 

"  Captain  Doleful,  M.C.."  responded  our  worthy,  pre- 
.senting  his  glazed  card  to  the  ladies ;    and  thereupon 
Mr.   JoiTocks,  with   a  chuckle  on    his  good-luunoured 
countenance,  as  he  gazed  at  the  Captain's  incongruous 
iiabiliments,   seized   his    hand   and  wrung   it    heartily, 
saying,  "  'Ow  are  ye.  Doleful  ?     "Ow  do  ye  do  .^    Werry 
glad  to  see  you— weny  glad  indeed ;  'ow's  the  Nabob  ?  " 
"  Middling,  thank  you,"  replied  the  Captain,  with  a 
faint  blush  on  his  cadaverous  coTintenance.     ''  But  hadn't 
you  Ijetter  alight  and  get  your  can-iage  and  things  off 
the  train  ?  "  inquired  he,  glad  to  turn  the  conversation, 
"  they'll  be  off  with  you  if  you  don't  mind,"  and  there- 
upon the  Captain  beckoned  the  guard,  and  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
standing  up  in  the  vehicle,  looking  vei-y  like  a  hay-stack 
with  a  hat   on  the  toji,  boundc'(l  to  the  ground.     Mrs. 
Jorroeks,  in  a  l^lack  velvet  Ijonnet,  lined  with  j)ink  satin, 
and  her  l)ody  all  shrouded  in  a  sea-green  silk  cloak,  then 
accepted  the  offer  of  the  Captain's  arm,  and  descended 
with  caution  and  due  state  ;  while  Belinda,  with  the  spring 
of  youth  and  elasticity  in  hoy  limlis.  luumded  on  to  the 
footway  beyond  tlie  rail.     Benjamin,  who  was  asleep  in 
the  horse-bo-T,  Ix'ing  considerately  kicked  awake  by  Mr. 
Jorroeks,  the  i>orter8  cut  off  the  last  joints  of  the  train, 
when  away  it  went,  hissing  and  snorting  through  the 
quiet  country,   leaving   our   party   to   the   undisturbed 
olwervation  of  the  Handley  Cross  company. 


CHAPTER  X 


THE   CONQUERING   HBRO'S  PUBLIC   ENTRY 

APTAIN  DOLEFUL, 

leaving-  liis  charter  in 
the  care  of  a  poiter, 
now    ofEered     Mrs. 
Jorrocks    Lis    arm, 
-      and  walked  her  oii' 
to  the  station-house, 
followed  hy  Jor- 
-  rocks  and  Belinda, 
amid    the    observa- 
tions and  inquii-ies 
of     the     numerous 
party    ranged    out- 
side the  barrier. 
The     ladies     being 
now  left  to  aiTange 
their  toilettes,   Jor- 
rocks   and    Doleful 
joined    arms    in    a 
most  friendly  maimer,  and  strutted  Ijack  to  see  about 
unloading  the  horses,  the  sack-like  figure  of  the  one 
contrasting  with  the  thin,  lathy,  mountebank  appearance 
of  the  other.     This  being  accomplished,  Ben  proceeded 
to  strip  off  his  dirty  v/hito  great  coat,  and  display  his 
fine  new  sky-blue  iwstilion  jacket,  patent  cords  and  top- 
boots,  while  JoiTocks  Tiegan  expatiating  to  Doleful  on  the 
merits  of  the  animals. 

"This  'ere  'oss,"  says  he,  rubbing  his  hand  up  and 
down  the  P^oman  nose  of  a  great  rat-tailed  brown,  "  I've 
ridden  many  seasons,  and  he's  never  given  me  but  one 
fall,  and  that  was  more  mv  faidt  than  his.  Indeed  I  may 
say  it  was  mine  entirely.  Ow's  this  country  off  for  foxes  ! 
Well,  you  see,  I  was  chiveyin'  this  'ere  'oss  along  like 
wildfire,  for  it  was  a  most  special   fine  scentin"  day — 


THE  CONQUERING  HERO  S  PUBLIC  ENTRY    101 

breast-liigh  all  the  way— and  Tom  HiUs,  that's  our 
'untsman,  was  riding  wiciously  wenonius — by  the  way 
that  reminds  me  can  you  commend  me  to  an  honest  man 
to  buy  my  forage  of?  Well,  we  blazed  down  Windy 
Hill,  and  past  Stormey  Wood,  just  as  though  it  were  as 
level  as  this  rally,  when  Joe  Crane,  thinking  to  gain  a 
nick,  turned  for  Nosterly,  and  Tom  and  I  rode  slap  for 
Guilsborough,  where  he  threw  a  shoe,  and  I  was  left 
alone  in  my  glory.  I  know'd  the  country  well,  and 
sinkin"  the  hill,  stole  dovm  Muddiford  Lane,  with  the 
pack  goin'  like  beans  on  my  left,  with  only  two  men 
witliin  a  mile  of  them,  ban-in'  a  miller  witli  his  sacks, 
who  rode  nncommon  galvanizingly. 

"Well,  thinks  I  to  myself,  if  they  turn  l)y  Gatton 
steep  I'll  have  a  nick,  for  thougli  this  "oss  was  never 
reglarly  pumped  out.  yet  times  are  when  lie'd  be 
better  of  a  little  more  wind,  and   so  as  I  rode  along 

Sjeping  over  the  'edge,  'oping  every  minute  to  see  old 
arbican.  who  was  loading  the  pack  that  day,  give  a 
bend  to  my  side,  ven  vot  should  occur  but  a  gipsy  camp 
half  across  the  lane,  and  throe  donkeys,  two  jacks  and  a 
jinney,  huddled  together  in  the  otlier  part  so  as  to  make 
a  regular  ban-ier,  and,  by  the  by,  have  you  read  Digby 
Grand .^  Grand  book  it  is;  ]n\t.  however,  never  mind 
that  at  present;  well,  we  were  close  upon  the  camp  and 
donkeys  afore  ever  we  saw  thoui.  for  it  was  just  at  tluit 
sharp  tui-n  of  the  road  whei-e  the  Avuterin'  trough  is— 
confound  them,  tliey  always  place  pikes  and  troughs  in 
the  hawkwardest  places— and  this  'oss  though  with  all 
liis  eyes  about  him.  was  so  heager  lookin'  for  the  'ounds, 
that  I'm  dashed  if  he  didn't  couie  upon  thorn  so  suddenly 
that  he  hadn't  time  to  change  his  log  or  do  nothing, 
conKoipioiitially  he  dodged  first  among  the  gipsy  liairns, 
l)utting  his  foot  through  ;i  *a;vr-pan  the  old  fatlier  gipsy 
was  a  mendin',  and  tiien,  foarin'  mischief.  Iio  flew  to  the 
left,  and  cast  me  right  on  to  the  old  jiimoy  hass's  back, 
who,  rJMin'  at  the  moiiiout,  finished  ih<'"  business  l)y 
kickiir  mo  off  into  (.lie  dirtiest  lioaj)  of  comjioHitiou  for 
1  nrnipH  I  ever  smolt  in  my  lifo  haw,  haw,  haw  I  I  really 
think  I  wind  it  now.  Still  the  'oss  is  a  good  uii— an 
undoniable  good  iin.  When  he  can-ies  ma  well,  I  ax's 
tliree  'undrod  for  him,  at  other  times  I'd  take  thirty.  1 
nover  gnidgoH  money  for  'ossos.  Des-say  if  all  the 
nioney  I've  siM-nt  iirsL  and  la.st  weie  e^pially  disf  i-il)nt( d 
among  them,  they  wouldn't  stand  me  i'  less  noi-  forty 
jMuid  apiece. 
'■  This  too'.s  a  giand  nag  I  "  contiiuied  lie,  taking  hold 


102  HANDLEY   CROSS 

of  the  ear  of  a  stiff  bay  with  white  hind  legs,  and  a  ban^ 
tail — "good  at  evei-ything — rides,  drives,  'nnts, and can-ies 
a  'ooman.  I  call  him  Xerxes,  'cause  as  how  ven  I  drives 
two,  as  I'm  a  doin'  to-day,  he  goes  ieadei',  and  in-course 
the  broAvn,  which  I  calls  Artei'-'X.erxes,  comes  arter  him  ! 
Both  go  like  the  vind — good  'osses !  uncommon  good ! 
rough  and  strong  as  our  four  shillin'  tea.— Binjamin, 
mind  the  traces, — and  now  bo  after  puttin'  to,  your 
Missis  will  be  ready  by  the  time  we  get  all  square  ;  "  and 
thereupon  Mr.  Jorrocks  began  fussing  and  busying  him- 
self with  the  horses  and  harness,  and  very  soon  had 
Xerxes  and  Arter-Xerxes  in  their  proper  places,  "tandem 
fashion."  The  carriage  was  an  old,  low,  open,  double- 
bodied  one,  with  red  and  black  wheels,  looking  as  miich 
like  a  fii-e-engine  as  anything  else,  especially  with  the 
Westphalia  hams  and  wanning-pan  swinging  from  the 
l)ottom  like  buckets.  It  held  four  comfortably,  or  five 
on  a  pinch,  and  the  inmates  were  Mr.  JoiTOcks  and  his 
wife,  Belinda  and  Betsey.  It  was  tremendously  stuffed 
and  hung  about  with  luggage,  and  at  the  back  was 
attached  a  most  spoi'ting  package,  consisting  of  two 
saddles  done  \ip  in  horse-sheeting;  and  through  the 
roller  which  fastened  them  to  the  caiTiage,  two  stout 
hunting-whips  and  a  new  brass  horn  were  thrust.  All 
things  being  ready,  Mr.  JoiTOcks  gave  Benjamin  a  "  leg 
up "  on  to  Xerxes,  and  gathering  up  the  reins  of  his 
wheeler  in  a  most  workmanlike  manner,  stepped  into  the 
vehicle,  and  preceded  by  Captain  Doleful  on  the  white 
charger,  drove  up  to  the  station-house  door,  to  the 
infinite  delight  of  all  the  spectators  outside  the  rails, 
amid  the  puffings,  scrapings,  and  tootlings,  of  the 
musicians,  the  pointing  of  children,  the  imfurling  of 
flags,  and  general  movement  of  the  meeting. 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  and  Belinda  had  improved  the  few 
jninutes  in  the  station-house,  and  with  the  aid  of  Betsey 
and  a  looking-glass  had  rectified  the  little  disorders  of 
the  journey.  Having  cast  her  sea-green  wrapper,  Mrs. 
J  oiTocks  shone  forth  in  a  superb  scarlet  brocade  pelisse, 
so  bright  and  dazzling  that  even  in  Great  Coram  Street, 
or  St.  Paucras  Church,  it  acted  as  a  loadstone  on  the 
eyes  of  the  beholders,  and  now  in  the  quiet  country  was 
almost  overpowering.  She  looked  like  a  full-blovm 
peony. 

Belinda,  the  young,  the  fair,  the  beautiful  Belinda,  was 
the  jjicture  of  innocence  and  health.  Her  large  lustrous 
bhie  eyes,  with  their  long  silken  lashes,  shone  "sweetly 
lambent "  from  beneath  a  dralj  silk  drawn  lionnet  lined 


M 


^-^ 


.1 


•1 


THE  CONQUERING  HERO's  PUBLIC  ENTRY    103 

with  blue,  across  which  a  rich  black  veil  was  thrown ;  a 
smile  hovered  round  her  ruby  lips,  disclosing  the  beautiful 
reiailarity  of  her  pearly  teeth :  while  the  late  rapid  move- 
ment through  the  air.  joined  with  the  warmth  of  the 
station-house,  and  the  excitement  of  the  scene,  had 
imparted  a  slight  flush  to  a  delicate,  but  beautifully  clear 
complexion.  Her  shining  brown  hair,  di-awoi  across  her 
forehead  in  the  Madonna  style,  was  confined  with  a 
naiTow  baud  of  V>lue  velvet,  while  a  rich  well-fitting  drab 
silk  pelisse  displayed  the  symmetry  of  her  exquisitely 
rounded  figure.  Her  Iseautifully-formed  feet  were 
enclosed  in  well-fitting  patent  leather  shoes.  Avhose  ties 
embraced  well-tunied  ankles  encased  in  well-drawn  up, 
white  gauze  silk  stockings. 

The  8tation-hou.se  and  1>uildings  concealing  our  pai'ty 
from  view,  Mr.  Jon-oeks  had  time  to  make  those 
comfortable  dispositions  of  tlie  persons  of  his  suite  as 
are  always  desirable  in  public  processions,  but  which  are 
sometimes  driven  out  of  the  heads  even  of  the  most 
experienced  paraders,  by  the  inquisitive  observations  of 
many  hundred  eyes.  He  now  took  Belinda  upon  the 
draw-out  seat  between  himself  and  Mrs.  JoiTOcks,  while 
Betsey  bundled  in  behind,  among  Dundee  marmalade, 
sugar-loaves,  Cojjenhagen  cheiTy-brandy,  and  other 
things.  Having  given  a  knowing  cast  over  his  left 
shoulder,  to  see  that  she  was  right.  Mr.  Jon*ocks  cried 
out,  "  Now,  Binjimin,  follow  the  Captain,"  and  giving 
Arter-Xences  a  touch  with  the  point  of  the  whip,  ])assed 
from  the  screen  fonned  by  the  station-house,  to  the 
folding  iron  gates  at  the  side,  which  being  thrown  open 
at  the  ajjproach  of  the  Captain,  they  made  a  splendid 
turn  off  the  railway  line  into  the  crowed  space  out- 
sido.  "Huzza  I  huzza  I  huzza  I  huzza!  huzza!  huzza!" 
exclaimed  a  JiundT-ed  voices;  "Huzza!  huzza!"  res])onded 
a  liundred  iiiurc.  amid  the  roll  of  drums,  the  puffing  of 
the  horns,  the  flap])ing  of  the  flags,  and  the  waving  of 
handkerchipfs,  from  those  whose  anst<')cratic  ideas 
lirf'cliided  tlie  expr^-Hsion  f)f  clauiorous  applause.  Do]ef)il 
Htoi>j»cd  Benjjiinin  on  the  loader,  nud  Mr.  JorroclcK 
pulling  short  up.  strxxl  erect  in  tlie  Vfjiiclc,  ;ind  taking 
off  his  Jow-crownr-d  hat,  ])Owed  and  waved  it  repeatedly 
to  the  compaTiy.  while  Mrs.  Jorrocks  nelmowledged  tlie 
compliment  by  fr<'(|uent  kisses  of  lior  hnnd.and  Belinda's 
face  bf'caino  Hnflu.sed  with  l>lusheH  at  the  jjublicity  and 
novflty  of  hi'Y  situation.  Ifnving  sufficiently  oxcniscd 
Hif'ii'  lungs,  liat.s  l>egan  to  rest  upon  thfii"  owners'  heads, 
linndkcrcliiofs  were  returned  to  their  pockets,  and  amid 


104  HANDLEY   CROSS 

a  general  ])\izz  and  exclamation  of  applanse,  a  vush 
was  made  at  the  carriage  to  get  a  closer  view  of 
Belinda. 

"  By  Jove,  what  a  beautiful  girl ! "'  exclaimed  Captain 
Parkins  (a  new-comer)  to  his  friend,  Mr.  Dyneley,  eyeing 
Belinda  through  his  glass. 

"  Did  you  ever  see  such  eyes  ?  "  inquired  a  second. 

"  Handsomest  creature  I  ever  beheld !  Fine  undulating 
figure !  "  observed  a  third. 

"  What  a  quiz  the  old  girl  is !  "  remarked  another. 

"  Is  she  her  daughter  ?  "  inquired  a  third  of  Captain 
Doleful,  who  was  busy  marshalling  the  procession. 

"  Lots  of  money  I  suppose ! "  said  another. 

"  He  looks  like  a  rich  fellow,  with  that  qiaeer-looking 
hat  of  his." 

"  The  servant  girl's  not  bad-looking." 

"  Miss  for  my  money,"  said  another,  "  I'm  in  love  with 
her  already." 

"  I  wish  she'd  stand  up  and  let's  see  her  size." 

"  I  lay  a  guinea  she's  a  clipper." 

"  There's  a  hand !  I'll  be  bound  for  it  she  has  a  good 
foot  and  ankle.     None  of  your  hairy-heel'd  ones." 

"He  looks  like  a  jolly  old  dog,"  obsei-ved  another. 
"  "We  shall  have  lots  of  good  dinners,  I  dare  say." 

Doleful's  face  wrinkled  into  half  its  usual  size  with 
delight,  for  he  plainly  saw  he  had  made  a  hit ;  and  most 
foi-tiuiate  were  those  men  who  had  cultivated  his  friend- 
ship through  the  medium  of  the  subscription  books  at 
the  libraries,  for  the  two-guinea  subcribei's  were 
immediately  presented  to  the  trio,  while  the  guinea  men 
were  let  in  at  intei-vals  as  the  procession  moved  along 
the  road.  Nor  sliould  we  omit  to  mention,  for  the 
insti-uction  of  all  other  M.C.'s,  that  thirteen  new  names 
were  put  down  that  evening,  so  that  Doleful's  prospects 
were  brighter  than  evei". 

The  first  l^urst  of  applause  having  subsided,  the  party 
got  settled  into  the  order  of  the  day,  as  laid  down  in  the 
progi'amme  of  the  worthy  M.C.  First  went  the  pro- 
prietary school  children,  eighty  boys  and  a  hundi-ed  and 
nine  girls,  three  a-breast,  with  sundry  pocket-hand- 
kerchief banners.  Next  came  the  "  Fox  and  Floreat 
Scientia"  flag,  on  douljle  poles  so  as  to  stretch  across  the 
road ;  the  musicians,  two  drummers,  two  hoi-n-blowers. 
two  fiddlers,  and  a  fifer,  were  jjlanted  behind  it;  aftei- 
which  came  thiee  glazed  calico  flags,  of  various  colours 
in  stripes,  followed  l)y  Whackem's  mathematical 
seminary,  and  the  rabble  at  large.    Then  came  another 


THE  CONQUERING  HERO  S  PUBLIC  ENTRY    105 

hi  rge  double  fliifr.  in  Inroad  stni^es  of  scarlet  and  white, 
witk  the  words  "  Jorkocks  for  ever  ! "  done  in  blue 
lettei's  ;  Doleful's  owoi  place  was  immediately  after  this, 
but  of  course,  during  the  progress  to  Handley  Cross,  he 
kept  alongside  the  can-iage  of  the  distinguished  strangers. 
The  flys,  gigs,  ])onies,  donkeys,  chaises,  &c.,  followed  on 
in  a  long-dra'wn  line,  just  as  they  could  jostle  in,  for  the 
Captain  knew  the  high  hedges  on  each  side  of  the 
nari'ow  road  would  do  more  towards  keeping  them  in 
order  than  all  the  injunctions  and  remonstrances  he 
could  lay  down  or  use. 

Mrs.  JoiTocks  was  delighted! — Never  before  did  she 
think  anything  either  of  himting  or  her  husband,  but 
now  the  foi-mer  seemed  a  most  delightful  amusement, 
and  JoiTocks  appeared  a  perfect  hero.  He  too  was 
channed  with  his  recei^tion.  and  grinned  and  nudged 
Belinda  witli  his  elliow,  and  cast  a  sly  wink  over  his 
shoulder  at  Betsey,  as  they  jumbled  along  the  road,  and 
the  compliments  of  the  crowd  came  showering  among 
them.  Then  he  turned  his  eyes  up  to  heaven  as  if  lost 
in  reflection  and  bewilderment  at  the  honour  he  had 
an-ived  at.  Anon  he  caught  the  point  of  his  whip  and 
dropped  it  scientifically  along  Arter-Xerxes"  side,  then 
lie  began  to  whistle,  when  Captain  Doleful  having 
i-esigned  the  side  of  the  carriage  on  which  Mrs.  Jorrocks 
was  sitting  to  Cajitain  Parkins,  came  round  to  say  a 
few  nothings  to  our  wortliy  friend. 

"Well,  Misprriiiius,"  said  Jon-ocks,  opening  the  con- 
vei-sation  as  thougli  lie  had  knowai  him  all  his  life,  "you 
see  I'ln  dovni  upon  yo\i,  as  the  extinguisher  said  to  the 
rushlight  always  say  you  cam't  be  too  quick  in  catchin' 
a  flea.— 'Ow's  the  Nal^jb  ?  " 

"Middling,  th;iiik  you,"'  again  replied  the  Captain,— 
"//i/i/'rc  looking  uncominonly  well,  I'm  sure,"  said  lie. 
eyeing  Mr.  JcMTOcks  as  he  sijoke. 

"Oh,  nic!"  rejilied  Jon-ocks,  "bless  you,  I'm  never 
bad—  never  'cej)t  I  gets  a  d)-r)p  too  much,  as  will  liai^pen 
in  the  l>e8t  rcglated  families,  yon  know,  Miserriinus." 
\V'li<Ti-iipon  Ml'.  Jorrocks,  \sitli  ;i  knowing  grin,  gave 
Doicl'iil  :i  dig  in  tlie  ribs  wifli  the  biid-enil  of  liis  wlii])- 
saying,  "have  v<»ii  got  any  of  that  '  i-..li|  roast '  yon  I  old 
HI*:  of  in  your  letter.''" 

"  Why,  no,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  it's  all  gone,  but  there's 
l.lciity  more  in  Ffandlcy  Cross.  It's  tlit;  best  place  for 
l>ecf  J  know.-   Indeed  f*^- everything." 

"  Yoii"ll  be  dcHjieriition  fond  of  'iintiii',  1  s'poj;e," 
olweived  Mr.  Jorrocks,  after  a  slight  [lausc,  flourishing 


106  HANDLE Y  CROSS 

his  wlii])  over  his  liead,  and  giving  a  knowing  look  "at 
Doleful's  accoutrenionts. 

"  It's  the  only  thing  worth  living  for  in  my  mind," 
reiilied  Captain  Doleful. 

"By  jingo!  so  say  I,"  rejoined  Mr.  JoiTocks;  "all 
time's  lost  that's  not  spent  in  'untin'. — Give  us  your 
liand,  Miserrimus,  my  boiiy.  for  you  must  be  a  trump 
— a  man  after  my  o^vn  'eart !  "  and  thereupon  JoiTOcks 

fave  him  such  a  shaking  as  nearly  sent  him  off  his 
orse. 

"  Tliat'U  he  your  kiver  "ack,  I  presume,"  observed  Mr. 
iToiTocks  after  their  hands  were  released,  as  he  cast  an 
eye  at  the  white.  "He  goes  hup  and  down  like  a  yard 
and  a  'alf  of  pump  water." 

Doleful  did  not  know  whether  this  was  meant  as  a 
compliment  or  otherwise,  so  he  "  grinned  hoiridly  a 
ghastly  smile,"  and  asked  Mr.  Jorrocks  if  he  was  fond 
of  music.  "  Music  !  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "//e*-,  the  music 
of  the  'ounds — none  o'  your  tamboureenin'  work.  Give 
me  the  real  ough,  ougJi,  ough,  of  a  fine  deep-toned  'ound 
in  the  depths  of  a  rocky  dell,  as  he  drags  up  to  old 
Reynard  among  the  brashwood,"  and  as  he  spoke.  Mi*. 
JoiTocks  snuffed  the  air  and  threw  his  head  aboiit  as 
though  he  were  feeling  for  a  scent  himself, — "  "What 
sort  of  fencin'  have  you  ?  " 

"  Fencing !"  repeated  Captain  Doleful  thoughtfully — 
"  fencing,  whj^  we've  had  none,  I  think,  since  the  theatre 
closed." 

"  Humph ! "  mused  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  that's  queei — 
never  knew  a  play-actor  in  my  life  with  the  slightest 
turn  for  'untin'. 

The  foremost  in  the  procession  having  now  reached 
the  outskirts  of  the  town,  a  halt  was  made  to  allow  the 
pedestrians  to  knock  the  dust  oft'  their  shoes,  and  get 
their  voices  ready  for  shouting.  Doleful  rode  along  the 
line  exhorting  them  to  order  and  regularity,  and  direct- 
ing the  streets  through  which  the  procession  should 
pass,  taking  particular  care  to  keep  wide  of  the 
Bamingtons.  A  considerable  accession  was  here  made 
to  their  strength  by  numerous  g7-oups  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  who,  attracted  by  the  fineness  of  the  day, 
and  a  little  natural  curiosity,  had  wandered  out  to  see 
what  sort  of  an  animal  a  Cockney  master  of  hounds  was. 
Miss  Prim  and  Miss  Prosey's  seminaries  too  timied  out 
in  their  pink  and  blue  ginghan\s,  and  came  up  just  at 
the  period  of  the  lialt, — all  the  grooms  and  helper,*  of 
the  toAvn  who  could  not  get  to  the  station  now  flocked 


THE   CONQUERING   HERO'S  PUBLIC   ENTRY  107 

to  swell  the  throng.  The  hubbub  and  confusion  was 
excessive,  and  they  pushed  and  elbowed,  and  fought  to 
get  near  the  carriage  to  have  a  close  view  of  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks.  *•  My  eyes,  but  he"s  a  fat  un ! "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Brisket,  the"  butcher,  to  his  foreman,  "it  would  be  a 
downright  credit  to  a  butcher  to  supply  such  a  gent. : 
can't  be  less  nor  three  inches  o'  fat  on  his  rib  ;  "  where- 
upon he  thnist  a  card  into  Mr.  Jorrocks'  hand,  contain- 
ing his  name,  trade,  and  place  of  aVjode.  This  was  a 
signal  for  the  rest,  and  immediately  a  shoal  of  cards 
were  tendered  from  persons  of  all  callings  and  pro- 
fessions. Liicy  Sandey  would  mangle,  wash,  and  clear- 
starch ;  then  Hannah  Pye  kept  the  best  potatoes  and 
green-groceries  in  general :  Tom  Hardy  supplied  milk 
at  all  houi-s;  George  Dodd  let  donkeys  by  the  day  or 
hour ;  Samuel  Mason  offered  the  card  of  the  Bramber 
livery  stables,  where  there  was  a  lock-up  coach-house ; 
Susan  Muddle  hoi)ed  the  ladies  would  drink  with  her 
at  the  Spa  at  a  shilling  a  week,  and  glass  foimd.  Then 
there  was  a  wine-merchant's  card,  followed  by  lodging- 
house  keepers'  without  end,  and  a  chinmey-sweep's. 

All  in  advance  being  now  ready.  Captain  Doleful 
came  grinning  and  capering  through  the  crowd,  and 
announced  to  tlie  ladies  that  they  were  aboiit  to  enter 
the  town,  and  infonned  Mr.  Jorrocks  that  they  would 
first  of  all  ijroceed  to  tlie  Dragon  Hotel,  from  the 
balcony  of  which  it  would  have  a  good  effect  if  he  would 
address  the  meeting.  Witliout  waiting  for  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks' assurance  that  he  "  didn't  know  what  to  say,"  he 
i)laced  himself  in  advance  of  Benjamin,  and  raised  his 
liunting-whi);  as  a  signal  to  the  musicians,  who  imme- 
diately sti-uck  uj)  '■  See  the  conquering  hero  comes."  and 
tlie  cavalcade  i)roceeded.  The  boom  of  tlie  druuiK,  the 
twang  of  the  horns,  and  the  shouts  of  the  children 
broiight  every  human  being  to  the  doors,  windf)ws.  iind 
verandahs,  and  tlicie  was  such  running,  and  rushing, 
and  figlitiug  b)  see  the  conf|ueriiig  heio,  and  such 
laughing  among  the  servant  maids  at  the  ample  diiiK'ii- 
sions  of  his  Hliouldcis.  witli  as  many  observations  uiion 
his  retinue,  as  would  fill  a  chajitcr  of  tliciiisflvos. 

After  passing  the  long  line  of  villas  that  stud  the  road 
in  the  Mount  Sioii  direction,  tlie  cavnlcade  tunied  into 
Artliur  Street,  where  the  noise  and  Inistle  increased 
tenfold.  Slir)|>  lads,  no  longer  to  l.e  re.st rained.  ruKhed 
out  in  defian<'e  of  tlieii-  masters'  halloas,  some  hastily 
putting  up  the  sliutters.  others  leaving  the  shons  to 
take  care  of  themselves.    i3azaars,  fancy  shops,  jewellers', 


108  HANDLEY  CROSS 

etc.,  were  drawn  of  l)oth  buyers  and  sellers  ;  and  as  the 
"  Floreat  Scientia  "  banner  rounded  tlie  tuni  into  Hiffli 
Street,  an  advancing?  mob  from  the  other  end  of  tlie 
town  charged  with  such  vigour  as  sent  both  poles 
through  Stevenson  the  hatter's  window,  damaging  a 
dozen  pasteboard  boxes,  being  the  principal  part  of  his 
stock  in  trade.  Nothing  was  heard  above  the  clamonr 
bnt  the  boom  of  the  drams,  and  the  occasional  twang 
of  a  horn,  while  Captain  Doleful's  red  coat,  and  his 
horse's  liowing  white  head,  seemed  borne  upon  the 
shoulders  of  the  multitude.  Thus  they  proceeded  in 
stately  array  down  High  Street,  and  neared  the  Dragon 
Hotel. 

At  length  they  got  the  caiTiage  up  to  the  arched  door, 
and  the  party  alighted  amid  a  tremendous  bin-st  of 
applause.  Captain  Doleful  having  tendered  his  nrm  to 
Mrs.  JoiTOcks,  Belinda  took  her  uncle's,  and  no  sooner 
did  Betsey  get  out  of  tlie  back  seat  of  the  can-iage  than 
a  whole  host  of  little  diity  boys  scraml)led  in  to  obtain  a 
Ijetter  view,  making  desperate  havoc  among  the  Dimdee 
marmalade  and  Copenhagen  cheiTy-brandy,  to  the 
infinite  indignation  of  Benjamin,  who  roared  lustily 
from  the  leader  that  he  would  '"  'oss-vip  'em  "  all  round. 


CHAPTER   XI 

THE   ORATIONS 

Snubbins,  the  landlord,  liaviuf?  ushered  his  distln- 
eruished  gruests  into  the  balconied  apartment  of  the  first- 
floor  front.  Captain  Doleful  took  a  hasty  review  of  his 
person  at  the  lookini^'-o-lass,  placing  his  straggling  hairs 
in  the  most  conspicuous  manner  over  his  forehead,  and 
loosening  liis  oilskin-covered  hat  from  his  scarlet  coat, 
he  advanced  with  out-squared  toes  and  elbows  to  present 
himself  to  the  notice  of  the  meeting. 

His  ai)pearance  in  tlie  balcony  was  the  signal  for  a 
universal  roar,  amid  which  the  drums  and  wind  instru- 
ments did  their  duty.  After  bowing  and  grimacing 
most  condescendingly  to  the  meeting  below,  silence  was 
at  length  obtained,  and  he  proceeded  to  address  them 
as  follows : — 

'■  Ladies  and  ffentlemen,— ladles  and  gentlemen,"  he 
repeated,  laying  the  emphasis  on  the  word  ladies,  and 
gi-inning  like  an  elderly  ape  on  all  around,  "encouraged 
by  yo\ir  smiles,  by  yoiu-  ap])lau8e,  for,  without  you,  aa 
the"p<^>^t  Campliell  V.eautifully  enquires,  'What  is  man? 
~a  world  without  a  sun,'  I  present  myself  to  your  notice 
to  i)ei-fonn  an  act  that  I  verily  and  conscientiously 
l>elieve  wiU  prove  most  conducive  to  the  interest,  the 
happiness,  and  general  welfare  of  this  thriving  and 
impoi-tant  t^iwn."  Here  tlie  Captain  placed  his  fore- 
finger on  his  liii.  and,  ;u-f()r<ling  to  prc>vi(jus  arrange- 
ment witli  tlie  dnimmers,  tli<-y  rumbled  with  t  lieir  di-ums, 
and  the  children  gave  some  loud  lni//,as.  in  conjunc- 
tion with  such  of  the  mob  as  were  troiibl<'d  witli  a  turn 
for  shouting.  "  Ladies  and  gentlemen."  he  resumed,  "  I 
stand  not  iiere  for  tbe  gratification  of  the  ])al try  per- 
sonal vanity  of  addrf^ssing  this  distinguiHhed  assemr)ly, 
but  T  jjn-sent  myself  to  your  notic*',  in  dlHcharge  of  the 
high,  the  onerous,  tlie  hoiu>tirable  and  all-imjioHant 
office  of  Master  of  the  Ceremonies  of  this  i-cnowned  Spa, 


110  HANDT.EY  CROSS 

to  introduce  to  your  notice  the  most  distinguished,  the 
most  determined,  the  most  popular,  and  the  most 
scientific  sportsman  England,  or  any  other  country,  ever 
saw  (loud  cheers).  Need  I  say,  gentlemen,  that  this 
illustrious  individual  is  the  great  and  reno^vned  Mr. 
Jorrocks — a  name  familiar  to  our  ears  as  Mr.  Dickens's 
household  words— so  familiar  that  it  is  even  chalked  on 
the  walls  of  our  towii ;  and  it  is  indeed  a  high — a  flatter- 
ing circumstance  to  my  mind,  that  I — even  I — the 
humlile  individual  who  now  stands  Ijefore  you,  should 
have  been  the  means  of  procuring  for  a  town  that  I  love 
so  ardently,  a  man  of  such  imeqiialled  excellence  and 
such  distinguished  Avorth." 

Here  Doleful  being  rather  blown,  put  his  finger  to  his 
lip  again,  upon  which  the  drtims  rumbled,  the  horns 
twanged,  and  a  round  of  applause  was  brewed  up. 
He  resumed, — "  Gentlemen,  the  temporary  cloud  that 
obscured  the  brightness  of  our  delightful    town    has 

Eassed  away !  another  and  a  brighter  siui  has  risen, 
eneath  whose  fostering  rays,  prosperity — bright,  un- 
equalled i^rosperity — shall  renovate  ovu'  homes,  and 
di-aw  foi-th  blessings  from  your  grateful  hearts  (cheers). 
This,  gentlemen,  is  a  thought  that  repays  me  for  a 
world  of  trouble,  and  believe  me  that  in  all  the  changes 
and  chances  of  this  eventfvil  life,  amid  all  the  fi'owns  of 
life's  vicissitudes,  the  bright  recollection  of  this  hour 
will  furnish  consolation  that  a  thousand  woes  will  not 
outweigh  (great  applause).  Let  me  not,  however,  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  dwell  too  long  on  the  pai-t  I  have 
happily,  but  unwoi-thily  played  in  this  transaction. 
Let  me  not  stand  between  that  bright  constellation  of 
sporting  knowledge  and  the  indulgence  of  your  laudable 
curiosity.  Rather  let  me  withdi'aw,  with  a  bosom  o'er- 
flowing  with  heartfelt  gi'atitude  for  the  honours  your 
kindness  has  heaped  ixpon  me,  and  introduce  to  your 
notice  our  gi-eat  and  ilhistrious  stranger."  Here  Doleful 
squared  out  his  elbows  and  bowed  most  humbly  and 
condescendingly,  first  to  the  front,  then  to  the  east  and 
west,  and,  courtier-like,  backed  from  the  balcony  into 
the  room,  amid  loud  and  long-continued  cheers. 

Wliile  he  was  delivering  himself  of  all  this  eloquence, 
Mrs.  JoiTOcks  was  busy  inside  the  room  preparing  her 
husband  for  presentation  to  the  meeting.  Having  made 
him  take  oif  his  versatio  coat,  she  brushed  his  blue  under 
one  over,  inibbed  the  velvet  collar  right,  put  his  wig 
straight,  and  wiped  the  dust  off  his  Hessian  boots  with  a 
comer  of  the  table-cover.    Doleful  came  backing  in,  and 


THE   ORATIONS 


111 


iieai'ly  upset  Jorroeks  as  he  was  standing;-  on  one  le^'  Ijy 
tlie  table,  imdergoing'  the  latter  operation.  '"Now,  it's 
your  turn.  Mr.  Jon-ocks,"  obsei-ved  the  Captain,  on  the 
fonner  recovering  his  equilibnuni.  and  thereupon  they 
joined  hands  and  advanced  into  the  balcony,  like  the 
Siamese  twins,  amid  the  uproarioiis  applause  of  the 
meeting. 


OW    AKK    YE    AI.I.  r 


"  'Ow  are  ye  all  ?  "  8aid  Mr.  JonockH  wKh  the  greatest 
familiarity,  nodding  round  to  tlie  me<'ting.  ;ind  kissing 
his  liiind.  " 'Oi)08  you  are  well.  Now  my  frind,  Misev- 
rimuB.  having  Hi>nn  yon  a  yam  about  wlio  T  am,  aufl  all 
that  sort  of  thing,  I'll  not  rini  Imh  foil,  but  gft  upon 
fresh  gronnd.  and  say  a  few  words  about  how  mattflrs 
are  to  be  managed. 


112  HANDLEY  CROSS 

"  You  see  I've  come  down  to  'nnt  youv  country,  to  he 
master  of  your  'ounds,  in  fact,— and  first  of  all  I'll  ex- 
plain to  you  what  /  means  by  the  word  master.  Some 
people  call  a  man  a  master  of  'ounds  wot  sticks  an  'orn 
in  his  saddle,  and  blows  when  he  likes,  but  leaves  every 
thing  else  to  the  'untsman.  That's  not  the  sort  of  master 
of  'ounds  I  mean  to  be.  Others  call  a  man  a  master  of 
'ounds  wot  puts  in  the  paper  Mr.  So-and-so's  'ounds  meet 
on  Monday,  at  the  Loin  o'  Lamb ;  on  Wednesday,  at  the 
Brisket  o'  Weal ;  and  on  Saturday,  at  the  Frying-pan ; 
and  after  that,  jest  goes  out  or  not,  as  suits  his  conweui- 
ence— but  t/uit's  not  the  sort  of  master  o'  hounds  I  means 
to  be.  Again,  some  call  themselves  mastei-s  of  'omids 
when  they  pay  the  difference  atwixt  the  sxibscription  and 
the  cost,  leaving  the  management  of  matters,  the  receipt 
of  money,  payment  of  damage,  and  all  them  sort  of  par- 
tiklars,  to^  the  secretary.  But  that's  not  the  soi-t  of 
master  o'  'ounds  I  means  to  be.  Still,  I  means  to  ride 
with  an  'orn  in  my  saddle.  Yonder  it  is,  see,"  said  he, 
pointing  to  the  package  behind  the  can-iage,  "  a  regler 
Percival,  silver  mouth-piece,  deep  cup'd— and  I  means 
to  adwertise  the  'omids  in  the  paper,  and  not  go  sneakin' 
about  like  sonie  of  them  beggarly  Cockney  'unts,  wot 
look  more  as  if  they  were  goin'  to  rob  a  hen-roost  than 
'unt  a  fox,  but  havin'  fixed  the  meets,  I  shall  attend  them 
most  punctual  and  regler,  and  take  off  my  cap  to  all 
payin'  sul)scribers  as  they  come  up  (cheers).  This,  I 
thinks,  will  Ije  the  best  way  of  doin'  business,  for  there 
ai-e  some  men  wot  don't  care  a  copper  for  owin'  the 
master  money,  so  long  as  the  matter  rests  atwixt  them- 
selves, and  yet  who  would  not  like  to  see  me  sittin' 
among  my  'ounds  with  my  cap  slouched  over  my  eyes, 
takin'  no  more  notice  of  them  than  if  they  were  as  many 
pigs,  as  much  as  to  say  to  all  the  genmaen  round,  '  these 
are  the  nasty,  dirty,  seedy  screws  wot  don't  pay  their 
subscriptions.' 

"  In  short  I  means  to  be  an  M.F.H.  in  reality,  and  not 
in  name.  When  I  sees  young  chaps  careering  o'er  the 
country  without  lookin'  at  the  'ounds,  and  in  all  humane 
probability  not  knowin'  or  carin'  a  copper  where  they 
are,  and  I  cries,  '  'ol<l  'anl ! '  I  shall  expect  to  see  them 
pull  up,  and  not  wait  till  the  next  fence  fatches  them 
too." 

Here  Mr.  Jon-ocks  made  a  considerable  pause,  where- 
upon the  cheering  and  drumming  was  renewed,  and  as 
it  died  away,  he  went  on  as  follows : — 

"  Of  all  sitivations  under  the  sun,  none  is  more  envi- 


THE   ORATIONS  113 

able  or  moi-e  "onerable  than  that  of  a  master  of  f  oxoimds  ! 
Talk  of  a  M.P. !  vot's  an  M.P.  compared  to  an  M.F.H.  ? 
Your  M.P.  lives  in  a  tainted  hatmosphere  amon,^  other 
M.P.'s  and  loses  his  consequence  Ijy  the  commonness  of 
the  office,  and  the  scoldings  he  gets  from  those  who  sent 
him  there,  but  an  M.F.H.  holds  his  levee  in  the  stable, 
his  levee  in  the  kennel,  and  his  levee  in  the  'untin'  field 
—is  great  and  important  every  where— has  no  one  to 
compete  with  him.  no  one  to  find  fault,  but  all  join  in 
doing  honour  to  him  to  whom  honour  is  so  greatly  due 
(cheei-s).  And  oli,  John  Jorrocks !  my  good  frind,"  con- 
tinued the  worthy  gi-ocer,  fumbling  the  silver  in  his 
small  clothes  with  upturned  eyes  to  heaven,  "to  think 
that  you,  after  all  the  hups  and  dowTis  of  life— the 
crossin's  and  jostlin's  of  merchandise  and  ungovernable 
trade-^the  sortin'  of  sugars— the  mexiu'  of  teas— the 
postin'  of  ledgers,  and  handlin'  of  inwoices.  to  thmk 
that  you,  my  dear  feller,  should  have  arrived  at  this 
distinguished  post,  is  most  mii-aculously  wonderful, 
most  singularly  queer.  Gentlemen,  this-  is  the  proudest 
moment  of  my  life !  (cheers).  I've  now  reached  the  top 
rail  in  the  ladder  of  my  haml^ition !  (renewed  cheers). 
Binjiminl"  he  holloaed  out  to  the  boy  below,  "Binjimin! 
I  say,  give  an  eye  to  them  'ere  harficles  behind  the  chay 
—the  children  are  all  among  the  Copenhagen  Ijrandy 
and  Dundee  numneylad !  Vy  don't  you  voUoj)  them? 
Vere's  the  use  of  funiishing  you  with  a  whip,  I 
wonder  ?  " 

"  To  resume,"  said  he.  after  he  had  seen  the  back  of 
the  caiTiage  cleared  of  the  children,  and  the  marmalade 
and  things  put  straight.  "  "Untin",  as  I  have  often  said, 
is  the  sport  of  kings— the  image  of  war  without  its  guilt, 
and  only  five-and-twenty  i>er  cent,  of  its  danger.  To 
iiie  tlie  dink  of  the  couples  from  a  vipper-in"s  saddle 
is  more  inusical  than  any  notes  that  ever  came  out  of 
Greasey's  mouth  (cheers).  I  doesn't  wish  to  dispai-age 
the  walue  of  no  man.  but  this  T  may  say,  tliat  no  Nalxjl) 
that  ever  was  foaled,  loves  '\intiii'  better  lliau  iiic  ((  licors). 
It's  the  wen-j'  bn-ath  of  my  liody  I  Tlu-  livci-  and  bacon 
of  my  existence  I  I  doeHn"t  know  what  the  crazcyologists 
may  say,  but  this  I  believes  that  my  'ead  is  notliiu'  but 
one  great  bump  of  'untin'  (cheers).  'Untin'  fills  my 
thonghts  l)y  «lay,  and  many  a  good  run  \  have  in  my 
HJeej).  Many  a  dig  in  tlie  ril)H  1  gives  Mrs.  J.  wlicn  I 
think  tlipy'rc  ruiinin"  into  the  warmint  (renewed  cheers). 
No  ma7i  is  fit  to  be  called  a  si)orlsnian  wot  doesn't  kick 
liis  wife  out  of  bed  on  a  haverage  once  in  three  weeks! 

I 


114  HANDLEY  CROSS 

(applause,  mingled  with  roars  of  lau^liter).  I'm  none  of 
yoiir  fine,  dandified  Rotten  Row  swells,  that  only  ride 
ont  to  ride  'ome  ajyain,  l)ut  I  loves  the  smell  of  the 
moi-nin'  hair,  and  the  wen-y  mud  on  my  tops  when  1 
conies  home  of  an  evenin'  is  dear  to  my  'eiirt  (cheoi-s). 
Oh,  my  frinds !  if  I  could  but  go  to  the  kennel  now,  get 
out  the  'ounds,  find  my  fox,  have  a  good  chivey.  and  kill 
him,  for  no  day  is  good  to  me  without  blood,  I'd— I'd — 
I'd  — di-ink  three  pints  of  port  after  dinner  'stead  of 
two  I  (loud  cheers).  That's  the  way  to  show  Diana  your 
gi-atitude  for  favours  past,  and  secure  a  continuance  of 
her  custom  in  future  (cheers).  But  that  we  will  soon 
do,  for  if  you've — 

"  '  'Osses  soiind,  and  dogs  'ealthj', 

Earths  well-stopped,  and  foxes  plenty,' 

no  longer  shall  a  master  be  wantin'  to  lead  you  to  glory 
(loud  cheers).  I'll  not  only  show  you  how  to  do  the  ti-ick 
in  the  field,  but  a  scientific  course  o'  lectors  shall  train 
the  young  idea  in  the  art  at  'ome.  I've  no  doubt  we 
shall  all  get  on  capitally — fox  'unters  are  famous  fellows 
— tell  me  a  man's  a  fox-hunter,  and  I  loves  him  at  once. 
We'll  soon  get  'quainted,  and  then  you'll  say  that  John 
JoiTOcks  is  the  man  for  your  money.  At  present  I've 
done — hoping  werry  soon  to  meet  you  all  in  the  field — 
I  now  says  adieu." 

Hereupon  Mr.  Joi-rocks  bowed,  and  kissing  his  hand, 
backed  out  of  the  balcony,  leaving  his  auditoiy  to  talk 
him  over  at  their  leisure. 


CHAPTER  XII 

CAPTAIN  DOLEFUL  AGAIN 


HEN  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks  backed  from 
the  lialconj'  into 
tlie  "Moon"  after 
deliverinof  tlie  lu- 
minous address 
reported  in  oiu- 
last  chapter, 
Captain  Doleful 
looked  at  his 
watch  and  found 
it  wanted  but  ten 
minutes  to  the 
time  he  was  to 
appear  at  the  board  of  her  imperial  majesty.  Mrs. 
Bai-ninj^-ton  ;  so  rinKin^--  for  Mr.  Snul)bins,  the  landlord, 
he  ha.stily  consifOK-d  the  pai-ty  to  his  protection,  and, 
•  luittinj,'  tlie  room,  ran  tlir<juf,'h  the  town  like  a  lamp- 
lighter, to  re-an-anpe  his  toilette  at  his  lodgings.  Off 
went  the  old  militia  coat,  the  white  moleskins  and  Hes- 
sians made  way  Avith  ])antomimic  (juickness  for  a  black 
coat  and  trousers,  whicli  with  a  slirivelled  white  waist- 
coat, and  a  pair  of  broad-Htringfid  i)Uiiips,  comiileted  tlie 
i-evised  edition  of  tlie  nrhilir  clcijautidi'uni  of  Handley 
Cross  Si>a.  Tlie  crowded  incidents  of  the  hour  left  no 
time  for  reflection,  and  fortunate,  perliaps,  it  was  for  the 
Captain,  that  he  had  no  time  to  consider  of  what  had 
taken  phice,  or  even  his  creative  fcenius  nii^fht  liave 
discovered  some  little  diflicnlty  in  recom-iliiit,'  the  dis- 
crej)!incies  that  existed  between  his  jtrofeHsions  and 
j.ert'onnanceH.  So  rpiick,  however,  were  his  movements, 
and  tlie  transition  of  events,  that  John  Trot,  the  under 
butler,  who  was  one  of  the  audience  Jiefore  the 
"Dratron."  had  not  time  to  detail  the  doin^^s  of  the  day 
to  Mr.  Moniitfoid.  the  biill.i-.  to  tell  Mrs.  8t\niii>H,  the 
housekeefjer,  for  the  information  of  Bandoline,  to  can*y 


116  ITANPLEY   CROSS 

in  liroken  Eng'lish  to  her  mistress,  ere  Captain  Doleful's 
half  i-esolute  tap  of  a  Icnock  announced  his  aiTival  at 
the  door. 

"  Why  here's  old  Wo-begone  himself,  I  do  believe ! " 
exclaimed  John,  breaking  off  in  his  nai'rative  at  the 
intrusion  of  the  flag-poles  into  Stevenson  the  hatter's 
window.  "  It  is,  incleed,"  added  he,  casting  his  eye  up 
the  area  gi-ating  at  the  Captain,  as  he  stood  above ;  *'  I 
declare  lie  has  peeled  off  his  uniform  and  come  like  a 
Chi'istian.  Dirty  dog,  he  can't  have  washed  himself,  for 
I  saw  him  Ijolt  out  of  the  '  Dragon '  not  three  miniites 
afore  I  left,  and  I  only  looked  in  at  the  'Phoenix  and 
Flower  Pot,'  and  took  one  glass  of  hot  elder  wine, 
and  came  straight  home ; "  saying  which,  John,  in  the 
absence  of  Sam,  the  footman,  settled  himself  leisurely 
into  his  coatee,  and  proceeded  to  let  the  Captain  into 
the  house. 

"  The  dog's  come  to  dine,"  said  John,  on  his  return, 
"  and  precious  hungry  he  is,  I  dare  say,  for  he  don't  allow 
himself  above  two  feeds  a  week  they  say.  However,  I 
gave  him  a  bit  of  consolation,  by  telling  him  that  missis 
had  laid  down  at  four  o'clock,  with  orders  not  to  be 
disturbed,  and  tlieref  oi-e  it  might  be  eight  or  nine  o'clock 
before  they  dined ;  bvit '  Sir,'  says  I,  '  there's  the  MomiiKj 
Post'  so  I  left  him  to  eat  that,  and  precious  savage  he 
looked.  Now,  I  declare  on  the  honour  of  a  gentleman, 
of  all  the  shabby  screws  I  ever  came  thwart  of  in  the 
whole  of  my  ijrofessional  career,  that  Doleful  is  the 
dirtiest  and  meanest.  T'other  night  it  was  raining 
perfect  wash-hand-stand  basins  full,  and  after  sitting 
master  out  to  bed,  and  inissis  until  she  began  to  yawn, 
he  mustei-ed  courage  to  do  the  expensive,  and  asked  me 
to  fetch  him  a  fly.  Well,  never  had  I  seen  the  colour  of 
his  coin,  often  and  often  as  he  has  darkened  our  door, 
and  come  with  his  nasty  jointed  clogs,  dirty  cloaks,  and 
wet  numbrellas  ;  but  thinks  I  to  myself,  this  surely  will 
be  catching  time,  and  it  'ill  all  come  in  a  heap  in  the 
shape  of  a  golden  sovereign  pound  cake;  so  out  I 
si^lashed,  silks  and  all,  the  first  day  on,  too,  and  brovight 
up  Sam  Fletcher's  yellow  with  the  grey;  skipped  up- 
stairs, told  him  all  was  ready,  handed  l)im  his  hat,  upon 
which  I  saw  him  fumbling  in  his  upper  pocket ;  he 
stepped  into  the  fly,  and  just  as  T  closed  the  door, 
slipped  something  into  my  hand — felt  small — half  sov., 
better  than  nothing,  thought  I — '  thank  you,  sir.  Miss 
Jelly's,'  cried  I  to  Master  Sam ;  off  he  went,  in  comes  1, 
looks  in  my  Land — hang  me  if  it  wer'n't  a  Joey  !  " 


CAPTAIN   DOLEFUL  AGAIN  117 

"That  beats  everything!"  exclamiecl  Mr.  Mouutford, 
the  butler,  lying  down  a  handful  of  spoons  he  had  been 
counting  over  ;  "  why  do  you  know  he  gave  me  one  the 
very  same  day,  and  it  lies  on  the  entrance  table  now,  to 
let  him  see  how  little  we  care  for  Joeys  in  our  house." 

"  Who's  that  you're  talking  about  ? "  inqiiired  Mrs. 
Stumps,  whose  room  being  on  the  other  side  of  the 
l^assage  from  the  biitler's  pantry,  enabled  her  to  hold  a 
dialogue  without  the  trouble  of  moving  herself  across, 
she  having  been  selected  on  accovmt  of  her  fatness  and 
the  volubilty  of  her  tongue. 

"  Only  old  Lamentable,"  replied  Mr.  Trott ;  "  what  do 
you  think  the  fellow's  done  now  ? — complimenting  Mr. 
Mouutford  and  myself  with  a  Joey  a-piece.  Stop  till  I 
catch  liim  with  a  decent  coat  on,  and  see  if  I  don't 
dribble  the  soup  or  melted  l>utter  over  it." 

"  Confoimd  the  mean  dog,"  observed  Mrs.  Stumps, 
■  he's  the  most  miserable  man  that  ever  was  seen.  1  do 
wonder  that  missis,  with  all  her  fine  would-be-fashionable 
airs,  countenances  such  a  mean  sneak.  Master  maj^  be 
dull,  and  I  dare  say  he  is,  but  he's  a  prince  compared  to 
old  Doleful." 

'■  Master's  >it>ft."  replied  Mr.  Mouutford  thoughtfully, 
'"and  he's  laa-d  too  in  some  tilings,  but  there  are  many 
worse  men  than  he.  Besides,  the  wife's  enough  to  drive 
liini  mad.     She's  a  teirible  tartai*." 

"Slie's  in  one  of  lier  tantrunis's  to-day,"  obsei-ved  Mrs. 
Stumps,  "and  lias  had  Mademoiselle  crying  all  the 
morning.  She's  tried  on  tliirteen  dresses  already  and 
none  will  please  lier.  It  will  be  eight  o'clock  very  likely 
V>ef(jre  they  dine,  and  that  reminds  ine  she  had  two  notes 
this  morning  l)y  post  one  was  from  Lady  Giilyfit'ld.and 
Sam  thought  lie  saw  Honiethingalxjut  dining.  :md  staying 
all  night,  as  he  took  it  ui)-stairs.  so  just  you  keei)  your 
ears  oijen  at  dinner,  and  find  out  the  day.  as  I  want  to 
have  a  few  friends  to  cards  and  a  ijuadrille  tho  first  time 
th<'  family  go  lion  i  home." 

'■  Oh.  1  claresayl  <'an  iic(|u;iiii)  you  nil  iiliout  it  without 
waiting  f(»r  dinner,"  observed  Air.  Aloiintfoid.  "Sain, 
just  step  into  the  clothes-room,  and  feel  in  B.'s  brown 
frock-coat  that  he  had  on  this  moniing,  and  bring  me 
his  letters."  Sam  olx-yed.  ;md  K]>eedily  returned  \vitli 
three.  Mr.  Momitford  took  them,  and  casting  nn 
adhenivd  one  aside,  as  either  a  "bill  or  a  begging 
letter,"  f)pened  ;i  line  gliized  note  with  blue  edges,  sesiled 
with  a  transfixed  heart  on  green  wax: — "  M<»nday  at  ten. 
at  the  'Apollo  Belvidere,'  '  was  all  it  contained,  and 


118  HANDLEY  CROSS 

wiukin^''  at  Sit  in,  who  winked  at  John  Trot,  wJio  passed 
the  wmk  to  Mrs.  Stumps,  Mr.  Moxiutford  refolded  tlie 
note,  and  opened  the  one  from  Sir  Giheon  Gillylield, 
which  contained  a  pressing  invitation  for  the  Friday 
following,  to  make  one  at  a  battix  on  the  Saturday. 

"  You  miist  find  out  whether  they  go  or  not,"  observed 
Mrs.  Stumps  ;  '"  they  will  be  sui-e  to  say  something  about 
it  at  dinner,  so  xnind  be  on  the  look-out.  There's  missis's 
bell !  my  stars,  how  she  rings !  wouldn't  l)e  near  her  for 
the  world." — A  perfect  peal ! 

After  Doleful  had  had  a  good  spell  at  the  "  Post," 
beginning  with  the  heading  and  ending  with  the  jjiinter's 
name  at  the  end,  Mr.  Barnington  made  his  appearance 
from  his  room  below,  where  he  had  been  deceiving 
himself  into  the  belief  that  he  was  reading,  and  saluted 
the  M.C.  in  the  way  that  a  man  generally  takes  his  wife's 
friends  when  he  does  not  like  her.  After  exchanging  a 
few  nothings,  he  looked  with  an  air  of  easy  indifference 
roiuid  the  room,  then  at  the  French  clock  on  the  mantel- 
piece, next  at  his  watch  to  see  that  it  was  not  wrong,  and 
finally  composed  himself  cross-legged  into  a  low  douro 
with  massive  cushions  at  the  back  and  sides.  Doleful 
resiuned  his  seat  on  the  sofa.  Thus  they  sat  for  half  an 
hovu-,  listening  to  the  tickings  of  the  timepiece,  looking 
alternately  at  each  other  and  the  door.  Seven  o'clock 
came  and  no  Mi-s.  Barnington,  then  'the  quarter  chimed 
in  that  concise  sort  of  way  that  almost  says,  "  Oh,  it's 
only  the  qiuxrter ! "  the  half-hour  followed  with  a  fuller 
chorus  and  more  substantial  music,  whereupon  Barn- 
ington, who  was  beginning  to  be  hungry,  looked  indig- 
nantly at  his  watch  and  the  door,  then  at  Doleful,  but 
wisely  said  nothing.  Doleful,  who  had  only  treated 
himself  to  a  penny  bun  since  lireakfast,  was  well-nigh 
famished,  and  inwai-dly  wished  he  had  palmed  himself 
oft'  on  the  Jorrocks's;  when  just  as  the  timepiece  was 
chiming  away  at  a  quarter  to  eight,  a  page  in  a  green 
and  gold  uniform  threw  oj^en  the  door,  and  in  sallied  the 
majestic  Mrs.  Bai-niugton  in  lavender-coloured  satin. 
With  a  slight  inclination  of  her  head  to  the  Captain, 
who  was  np  like  an  arrow  to  receive  her.  and  a  look  of 
contempt  at  her  husband,  she  seated  herself  on  an 
ottoman,  and  glancing  at  a  diminutive  watch  in  lier 
armlet,  and  seeing  it  corresponded  with  the  time  on  the 
inantel-piece,  without  a  word  of  apolog'y  for  keeping 
them  waiting,  she  hun'ied  off  the  page  to  order  dinner 
instantly. 


CHAPTER    XIII 

A  FAMILY  DINNER 

Just  as  Mrs.  Baraington  Avas  desiring  Doleful  to  riiia: 
the  bell  to  see  wb j-  dinner  was  not  ready,  Mr.  Moimtf ord, 
with  gri'eat  state,  and  an  air  of  the  most  prof  ound  respect, 
walked  into  the  centre  of  the  room,  and  announced  that 
it  was  on  the  table,  when,  backing  out.  and  leaving  the 
page  in  charge  of  the  door,  he  retui-ncd  to  the  parlour  to 
twist  a  napkin  round  his  thumb,  and  place  himself 
before  the  centre  of  the  side-board  to  be  ready  to  raise 
the  silver  cover  from  the  soup  tureen,  and  hand  it  to 
John  Trot,  to  pass  to  Sam,  to  place  on  the  tray  the 
instant  the  party  were  seated.  Mrs.  Baruington,  with 
an  air  of  languid  aljsence,  mechanically  placed  her  hand 
on  Dolefid's  arm,  and  sailed  down  the  thickly-carpeted 
staircase,  past  the  footmen  in  the  entrance,  aiul  dropt 
into  a  many-cushioned  chair  at  the  head  of  the  table. 
Dolefid  seated  himself  at  the  side  opposite  the  fire,  and 
Baniington  of  coiu'se  took  his  place  at  the  foot  of  the 
table.  Soup  and  a  glass  of  shen-y  passed  round  amid 
the  stares  and  anxious  watcliings  of  tlie  servants,  })efore 
anything  like  a  conversation  was  commenced,  for  Bani- 
ingt<jn  was  not  a  man  of  many  words  at  any  time,  and 
fear  of  his  wife  and  dislike  of  Doleful  now  sealed  his  lips 
entirely.  Several  iiidiircrciit  toijics  were  trioil  dm-ing  the 
fish,  alt<;niat<.'ly  by  Mrs.  Baruiugtim  and  DolcluL-  The 
weatbfr— the  Mijrniu(j  Post — the  last  elo])ement — soino- 
body's  band  the  new  French  milliner,  when,  gathering 
up  lier  napkin,  and  giving  her  hea<l  a  t/oss  in  the  nir,  she 
observed,  in  a  (^an-Iriss,  easy  sort  of  w;iy,  "  By  the  by, 
Captiiiii  IJoleful,  I  forgot  U)  ask  you  if  tlio.se  Horrocks 
people  arrived  to-day  ?  " 

"Oh  yes,  niarm,  tliey  came,"  repli<!d  tin^  Caplain.  v.itli 
uneasiness  on  his  brow,  for  he  saw  "  Mounti'ord  &  Co." 
were  all  eyes  and  ears  to  catch  wliat  he  said.—"  A  little 
malt  liquor,  if  you  jilease.  Do  yon  get  yo\n-  malt  ol 
Dobbs?  '  intiuired  lie  of  Barnington,  making  a  de8i>erat(i 


120  HANDLEY^CROSS 

effort  to  turn  the  conversation  at  the  outset,  the  only 
chance  of  effecting-  it;  "if  you  don't."  observed  he, 
*•  there's  a  capital  fellow  come  from  Mortlake  in  Suirey, 
to  estaljlish  an  agency  here  for  the  sale  of  the  same  sort 
of  beer  the  Queen  drinks,  and  apropos  of  that,  Mrs. 
Barnington,  perhaps  you  are  not  aware  that  her  Majesty 
IS  so  truly  patriotic  as  to  indulge  in  the  juice  of  the  hop 
—takes  it  at  luncheon,  I  understand,  in  a  "small  silver  cup, 
a  present  from  the  Prince,  with  the  lion  and  the  unicorn 
fighting  for  the  crown,  beautifully  raised  in  dead  gold 
upon  it.  made  liy  Hnnt  and  Roskill,  who  certainly  have 
more  taste  in  trinkets,  and  articles  of  rertu,  than  all  the 
rest  of  London  put  together,  but  this  })eer  is  very  g;ood— 
clear— amber  and  hoppy."  added  he,  drinking  it  off, 
hoping  to  drown  old  Jorrocks,  wife,  niece,  and  all.  in  the 
draught. 

"  Who  is  Horrocks,  that  you  were  asking  about,  my 
dear  ?  ''  inquired  Barnington  of  his  wife,  for  the  purpose 
of  letting  Doleful  see  he  didn't  consider  him  worth 
answering,  and  not  from  any  motives  of  curiosity.— an 
infirmity  from  which  he  was  perfectly  free. 

"  Only  some  people  the  Captain  and  I  were  talking 
about  this  moming,  my  love,  that  were  expected  from 
London.  They  are  not  come,  you  say  .P "  added  she, 
turning  to  the  Captain. 

■■  Oh  yes.  marm,  I  said  they  were  come.  Allow  me  the 
honour  of  taking  wine  with  you  ?  Do  you  take 
champagne  ?  Champagne  to  your  mistress,"  looking  at 
Mr.  Moimtford.  Mountford  helped  them  accordingly, 
giving  the  Captain  as  little  as  possible. 

"  Well,  and  what  sort  of  people  are  they  ?  "  resumed 
Mrs.  Barnington,  setting  down  her  glass,  and  looking  at 
Doleful  as  much  as  to  say,  "Come,  no  nonsense,  out 
with  it." 

"  Upon  my  word  I  can  hardly  give  an  opinion,  for  I  saw 
so  httle  of  them ;  Init  I  should  say  from  what  little  I  did 
see,  that  they  are  very  respectable— that's  to  say  (haw, 
ha,  hem),  people  well-to-do  in  the  world  (hem).  He 
seems  an  uncommonly  good-natured  old  fellow— rattles 
;ind  talks  at  a  tremendous  rate ;  but  really  I  can  hardly 
fairly  give  an  opinion  upon  their  other  qualifications 
U-mn  the  very  little  I  saw." 

•'  How  many  can-iages  had  they  .P "  inquired  Mrs. 
Barnington. 

"  One,  with  a  pair,  but  they  came  by  the  train ;  they 
will  probably  have  more  cominf?  l»y  the  road." 

"  Many  servants  ?  " 


A   FAMILY   DINNER  121 

"  Not  many,  I  think.     Perhaps  they  are  coniinj?  by  the 
road  too." 
"  What  are  the  women  like  H  " 

"  The  old  lady  seems  a  monstrous  ^ood-natiu-ed,  round- 
about, motherly  soi-t  of  body,  neither  very  genteel  nor 
yet  altof^ether  vidgai — a  fair  average  woman  in  fact- 
charitable,  flannel-petticoat,  soup-kitchen  sort  of  woman. 
—This  is  capital  mutton— never  tasted  better.     By  the 
way.  Mr.  Bamiugton,  did  yoii  ever  eat  any  Dartmoor 
mutton?  it  certainly  is   the  test  and  sweetest  in  the 
world,  and  this  is  as  like  it  as  anything  can  possibly  be." 
■■  No."'  was  all  the  answer  Mr.  Bamingtou  vouchsafed 
our  hero,  who,  l^ent  on  turning  the  conversation,  and 
nothing  disconcerted,  immediately  addressed  himself  to 
his  hostess,  with,  "  Beautiful  part  of  the  country — fine 
scenei-y — should  like  to  live  there — people  so  unaffected 
and  hosititable — ask  you  to  dine  and  sleep — no  puddling 
your   way  home   through   dirty   lanes   in   dark   nights. 
The  view  from  ^Ether  rocks  on  the  edge  of  Duumore, 
most  magnificent— tliere's  a  fine  one  also  on  the  road 
between  Exeter  and  Tivei-ton— and  near  Honiton  too — 
what  food  that  coimtry  would    afford  your    splendid 
pencil.  Mrs.  Barnington.    I  know  no  one  so  competent 
to  do  justice  to  tlie  scenery  as  yourself,"  and  thereupon 
the   Cajitain   puckered   his   face   into   one  of  his  most 
insinuating  grins.     Mrs.  Baniington  went  on  eating  her 
"  rol  ait  rent,''  inwardly  resolving  to  know  all  about  the 
Jorrocks's  without  comi)romising  one  jot  of  her  dignity. 
Tlie  conversation  then  took  a  bi-isk  and  rapid  range 
over  many  tojjics  and  to  divers  places — Bath,  Chelten- 
ham,  Brighton,  Tunbridge  Wells,  were  all  Adsited  in 
succession,  but  at  last  Mrs.  Barnington  fairly  landed 
the  Captiiin  back   at  Handlcy  Cross.     "  I  suppose  we 
shall  be  having  a  l>ail  here  soon,  shani't  we.  Captain?" 
imiuired  hIip. 

"Tliat  (h-pciidH  upon  Mrs.  Barnington,"  replied  the 
obsequious  M.C.  in  tlif  lnnnlili'sl  (one.  "If  you  are  so 
diHi>osed  there's  no  doulit  of  our  liaviug  one.  My  l)all 
at  present  stands  first  on  the  list,  and  that  will  tiike 
plafte  to-moiTow  fortnight." 

"Oil,  I  forgot  your  ball  entirely  -tr\ii-  oli  dear,  nol 
I  shouldn't  wish  for  one  before  that  it  niiglit  interfere 
with  yours.     Of  course  you  will  send  nie  live  tickets." 

Tiie  Cai)tain  bowed  in'ofoundly,  for  this  as  mu<'li  as 
Mairl  there  would  Ije  a  five-i>ound  not^-  coming.  '"  I  liope 
you  will  have  a  good  one,"  added  h\\<;.  "There  will  most 
|)rol)al>ly  be  some  new  comers  by  that  time  to  amuse  one 


122  HANDLKY   CROSS 

■witli  tlioiv  sti'iiiig'e  faces  and  queer  ways. — I  wonder  if 
the  Hurvoc'ks's  will  go  ?  " 

The  idea  at  that  momeut  Hashed  across  the  Captain's 
mind  too,  and  a  prophetic  thought  assuring  him  they 
would,  he  determined  to  grapple  with  the  sul>ject  instead 
of  fighting  shy,  and  ventui-ed  boldly  to  predict  they 
would,  and  once  more  essayed  to  smooth  their  passage 
to  Mi's.  Bai'uington's  patronage. 

"  Oh,  I  have  no  earthly  objection  to  them,  I  assure 
you,  I  can  have  none  to  people  I  never  either  saw  or 
heard  of.  Of  coui-se,  if  they  have  lettei's  of  introduction 
I  shall  call  upon  them — if  not,  and  ytni  assure  me,  oi- 
rather  convince  me,  of  their  respectability.  I  shall  notice 
them  the  same  as  I  do  other  people  who  come  here  as 
strangers." 

"Very  much  obliged  indeed,"  replied  the  Captain, 
feeling  all  the  time  that  he  was  "'  thanking  hei'  for 
nothing." — "  They  are,  I  believe,  highly  res]jectable. 
She,  I  uudei'stand,  is  the  daughter  of  a  gentleman  who 
was  about  the  court  of  King  George  the  Third.  The 
yoving  lady  is  very  pretty,  and  Jorrocks  himself  really 
seems  a  very  excellent  old  fellow." 

"  What,  yoii  are  talking  about  Mr.  JoiTOcks.  are  you?" 
inquired  Mr.  Barnington,  looking  up  from  his  "omelette" 
with  an  air  of  sudden  enlightenment  on  his  coimtenance. 

"  Why  yes,  Solomon ! "  replied  his  loving  spouse,  "  who 
did  you  think  we  were  talking  about  ?  " 

"  Why  you  called  them  HoiTOcks !  how  was  I  to  knoAv 
who  you  meant  ?  " 

"  How  were  tjon  to  know  who  we  meant  ?  why  what 
matter  does  it  make  whether  you  know  or  not?  Take 
the  cheese  away,  Mountford,  and  don't  make  this  room 
smell  like  a  beer-shop." 

"  Stay  !  I  want  some,"  interposed  Mr.  Bai-nington. 

"  Then  take  it  into  your  master's  room,"  replied  Mrs. 
Barnington.  "  Go  and  stuft'  yourself  thei-e  as  much  as 
you  like ;  and  send  for  yoiu-  friend  HoiTocks,  or  JoiTocks, 
or  whatever  you  call  him,  to  keep  you  company."' 

And  after  an  evening  of  this  agreeable  dog  and  cat-iug, 
A^aried  with  occasional  intercessions  for  the  JoiTocks 
family,  the  gallant  Captain  at  length  made  liis  adieus 
and  retired  to  his  confectioners'. 

We  will  now  see  what  oui-  newly  arrived  friends  are 
about. 


CHAPTER  XIV 

MK.  JORKOCKS  AND  HIS  SECRETARY 

■■  Send  my  Sec.  here."  said  Mr.  Jorrocks.  with  great 
dij^iity.  to  Smihbins.  the  hunlha-d  of  the  "Drag'on"; 
who,  in  comj>liance  with  Doloiul's  directions,  was  waiting 
to  receive  his  orders.  "  Send  my  Sec.  here."  he  repeated, 
seein;;  tlie  man  did  not  catcli  what  lie  said. 

"Your  Sec,  Sir."  repeated  the  landlord,  "it'll  be  your 
hoy,  I  i^resiinie  i^ '"  turning  to  the  waiter,  and  desiring 
him  to  send  the  ostler  to  stand  by  the  horses'  heads 
while  Mr.  JoiTocks's  boy  came  upstairs. 

■■  No,  not  my  houi/,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTocks  with  a  frown, 
"  so  you  prcfi'iiu'.s  A\Tong.'' 

'■  Your  maid,  thon!-'"  inquired  the  sharp  waiter,  think- 
ing to  hit  what  his  master  had  missed. 

"  No,  nor  my  maid  neither,"  was  the  worthy  grocer's 
answer, — "  what  I  want  is  w/y  Sec,  the  Secretary  to  ui// 
'unt  in  fact." 

"Oh!  the  Secretiiry  to  tlie  hunt,  that  will  be  Mr. 
Floeceall."  rejoined  the  landlord  with  a  grin  of  satis- 
faction.— "Rim  up  to  Laveuder  Lane,  and  tell  Mr. 
Fleoceall  tliat  Mi-.  JoiTocks  has  arrived,  and  wishes  to 
see  him." 

■■  Toll  him  t<j  come  directly,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  adding, 
in  a  mutter,  "I  doKcn't  understand  wiiy  lie's  not  here  to 
receive  me.  Fatcli  me  ui»  a  glass  of  cold  shen-y  negus 
"•/■///.   -Public  Hpeakin'  makes  one  weny  dry.  " 

Before  tlie  «■/'///  was  well  dissolved,  so  as  to  enable 
Diir  hero  to  cpiench  his  thirst  at  a  draug^ht,  our  one-eyed 
fnend  entered  tlie  room,  hat  in  hand,  an<l  prcKented 
himself  1<>  Mr.  JijiTocks. 

"Now  I  wiints  to  see  you  uliout  my  'ouuds,"  said  Mr. 
.Forrocks,  with  an  air  of  authority. — "  Whore  are  they  ?  " 

"Some.  I  Ijclieve,  arc  in  the  kinnel,  otliers  are  in  the 
Vale  with  the  various  farmcr«.  "  r('j)lied  Mr.  Fleeceall. 

"Some  in  tli(!  Wale  I "  repeated  Mi'.  Jorrockw  with 
surjirise,  "  vy  aren't  they  all  in  kennel  ?  you  surely  knew 


124  handlp:y  cross 

I  was  a  comiii',  and  oup^ht  not  to  have  hacltliinfjs  in  tliis 
luigoer-mngger  state.— Whose  fault  is  it?  Where's  the 
kennel-book  ?  " 

'■  The  kennel-book  ? "  repeated  Mi-.  Tleeceall  with 
surprise. 

"  Yes.  the  kennel-book ;  yon  know  what  that  is,  surely 
— the  list  of  the  "ounds.  in  fact." 


SEND  JIT  bKC.  nEi;i;. 


'*  Oh,  I  beg  your  jiardon— I  don't  think  there  is  any 
regidar  kennel-book--at  least  I  never  had  one— all  that 
I  do  is  to  receive  the  subscriptions. — wi-ite  to  gentlemen 
that  are  in  an-ear.  or  are  likely  to  sul)scribe,— tax  poultry 
liills,-  and  ))revent  extortion  in  general." 

"AVell,  all  ^vL'Vvy  useful  in  its  way,"  replied  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks,  "  but  a  secretary  to  an  'mit  is  exi^ected  to  know 


:\ri?.  .TORrocKS  and  his  secretary  125 

all  about  the  'ounds  too,  and  everything  besides— at  least 
he's  no  Sec.  for  me  if  he  don't,"  added  he,  his  eyes  spark- 
ling with  animation  as  he  spoke. 

■'Oh,  I  do,"  replied  Mr.  Fleeceall  with  trepidation. 
"  only  Captain  Doleful  has  had  all  our  people  so  Ijusy, 
preparing  for  your  reception,  that  we  i-eally  have  not 
teen  able  at  so  short  a  notice  to  make  our  aiTangeinents 
so  perfect  as  we  could  wish.  I  know  all  tlie  hounds 
well." 

"Then  put  on  your  'at  and  come  with  me  to  the 
kennel.  It's  full  moon  to-night,  so  we  needn't  mind 
about  time." 

Fleeceall  hesitated,  but  seeing  Mr.  JoiTOcks  was  reso- 
lute, he  put  a  good  face  on  the  matter,  and  Ijoldly  led 
tlie  way.  As  he  piloted  Mr.  Jorrocks  through  sundry 
short  cuts,  he  contrived  to  insinuate,  in  a  casual  sort  of 
way,  that  things  would  not  be  in  such  apple-pie  order  as 
he  might  expect,  but  that  a  day  or  two  would  put  every- 
thing right.  Calling  at  Mat  MaUl>y's  for  the  key  of 
the  kennel,  he  enlisted  young  Mat  into  the  service, 
desiring  him  to  stand  by  and  prompt  him  what  to  say ; 
he  very  soon  had  the  new  master  before  the  rails  of  the 
kennel.  The  hounds  raised  a  melodious  cry  as  they 
jumped  against  the  paling,  or  placed  themselves  l^efore 
the  door,  and  anger  Hew  from  Mr.  .Torrocks's  mind  at 
tlie  cheerful  sound.  "  Get  back,  lioimds !  get  back ! 
Bimncji-heU,  have  a  care!"  cried  Mat,  as  they  pushed 
against  the  door,  and  jjrevented  it  opening.  "Perhaps 
you'll  take  a  switch,  sir,"  .said  he,  turning  to  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, and  handing  a  hazel-rod  from  a  line  hanging  on 
the  rails  beside  the  door.  "Get  back,  hounds!"  again 
he  cried,  and  inserting  his  right  hand  with  a  heavy 
doublc-tlionged  whip  through  an  aperture  between  the 
door  and  tlie  post,  he  loosened  the  thong,  and  sweeping 
it  round  anu^ng  their  legs,  very  soon  cleared  a  space  so 
a«  to  enable  the  luiister  to  enter.  Mr.  Jorrocks  then 
sti-utted  in. 

The  kfnncl  was  ([uite  of  the  primitive  order,  but  dry 
and  airy  withal.  It  consiKted  of  two  rf)oms,  while  the 
feeding-troughs  in  the  half-flagged  yard  nhowr^d  that 
the  liound.s  dinol  out  of  floors.  A  <<M)ij)orary  boiling- 
house  was  placed  hfhind,  and  tin-  wholi-  iif  tli<'  hack  pai't 
adjoined  eloK«^  ujKm  the  New  Ehenezer  t!hai)f'l. 

Great  was  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  sui7)riHe  and  indignalion  at 
finding  that  the  ])ack  was  without  a  liuutHnian.  whipper- 
in.  or  horses. 
ile   was    jierfcctly   tlmnderstruck,  an<l    it   was  acme 


120 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


time  ere  his  rage  siafPered  liis  tongiie  to  give  vent  to  his 
thdnghts. 

It  was  a  "reg'lar  do,"  and  he'd  "wesh  his  'ands  of  the 
concern  at  once."  He'd  "  shoot  Doleful  first  though— 
skin  him  alive  in  fact." 

Fleeceall  attempted  to  soothe  him,  Init  finding  he  was 
only  adding  fiiel  to  the  fire,  he  suifered  his  anger  to 
exhaust  itself  on  the  unfortunate  and  now  luclcily  absent 
Captain.  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  A'ery  wroth,  but  considering 
how  far  he  had  gone,  and  how  he  would  be  laughed  at  if 
he  backed  out,  he  determined  to  let  it  be  "  over  shoes 
over  boots,"  so  he  stuck  o\it  his  legs  and  proceeded  to 
examine  the  hounds. 

"  Plenty  of  l)one."  observed 
he,  with  a  gi-owl. 

"  Oh,  lots  of  bones !  "  replied 
Fleeceall,  "that  corner's  full," 
pointing  to  the  bone-house. 

"  Are  they  steady  ?  "  inquired 
Mr.  JoiTOcks. 

"  Middling."  replied  Fleeceall, 
anxious  to  be  safe. 

"  Vot,  they're  not  riotous,  are 
they  ?  Never  'unted  bagmen 
or  nothin'  of  that  sort?"  in- 
quired our  master. 

"  Oh  dear  no,"  replied  Fleece- 
all, "ran  a  boy,  I  believe,  one 
day." 

"Ran  a  boy,"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  "  never  heard  of  sich 
a  thing !    He  must  have  had  a 
drag." 
"  They  bit  his  di*ag,"  replied  Fleeceall,  laughing. 
"  It  were  a  young  hound  bit  an  old  'ooman,"  interposed 
Mat,  anxioiTs  for  the  credit  of  the  pack ;  "  he  had  a  bone, 
and  she  woidd  have  it  from  him,  and  the  boy  got  atween 
the  two." 

"  Humph ! "  grunted  Mr.  JoiTocks,  not  altogether 
relishing  the  story  whichever  way  it  was.  The  hounds 
were  a  fine  lashing-looking  lot,  chiefly  dogs,  with  a  strong 
family  likeness  running  through  the  pack.  Thei'e  were 
few  old  ones,  and  the  lot  were  fairly  average.  "Worse 
packs  are  to  l)e  found  in  great  kennels.  Mr.  JoiTocks 
remained  with  them  until  he  had  about  mastered  their 
names,  and  there  appearing  no  help  for  the  matter,  he 
I'esolved  to  do  the  best  he  could  with  hia  boy  luitil  he 


MR.    JOREOCKS   THINKS    HK 
WII-L  SHOOT    DOLEFn. 


MR.  JORROCKS  AND  HIS  SECRETARY      127 

conkl  meet  with  a  huntsman. — Ordering'  the  feeder  to  he 
thei-e  hy  dayhreak.  and  have  the  hounds  ready  for  him 
to  take  out  to  exercise,  he  thrust  his  arm  through 
Fleeceall's  and  desired  him  to  conduct  him  back  to  the 
'■  Dragon." 

As  they  went  he  lectured  him  well  on  the  duties  of  his 
office.  '■  Now.  you  see,  sir,"  said  he,  "  I  dosn't  want  one 
of  yoiu-  fine  auditin'  sort  of  Sees.,  what  will  merely  run 
his  eye  over  the  bills,  and  ^\Tite  his  initials  on  the  back, 
rif?ht  or  wi-ongr.  as  many  do,  but  I  wants  a  real  oiit-and- 
OTit  worlcin'  chap,  that  \vill  go  into  them,  hitem  by 
Litem,  and  look  sharp  ater  the  pence,  without  leavin' 
the  pounds  to  take  care  of  themselves.  A  good  Sec.  is 
a  wen^r  useful  sort  of  h'animal,  but  a  bad  un's  only 
worth  'anging.  In  the  first  place  you  must  be  werry 
pai-ticklar  about  gettin'  in  the  subscriptions.  That  is 
always  uppermost  in  a  good  Sec.'s  mind,  and  he  should 
never  stir  out  of  doors  without  a  list  in  his  pocket,  and 
should  appear  at  the  coverside  with  a  handful  of 
receipts,  Vjy  way  of  a  hint  to  wot  havn't  paid.  Now,  you 
must  get  an  account  book  with  niled  columns  for 
pounds,  shillings,  and  pence,  and  open  a  Dr.  and  Cr. 
account  witli  every  man  Jack  on  'em.  You  can't  do 
l>etter  nor  foUow  the  example  o'  tlie  Leamington  lads, 
who  string  up  all  the  tradespeople  with  the  amount  of 
tlieir  subscriptions  in  the  shops  and  pul>lic  places.  It's 
clearly  the  duty  of  every  man  to  suV)scribe  to  a  pack  of 
'ounds — even  if  he  has  to  bon-ow  the  money.  '  No  tick,' 
mind,  must  be  the  order  of  tlic  day ;  and  every  Saturday 
night  you  must  come  to  me  Avith  your  book,  and  I  .shall 
allow  you  two  glasses  of  spirit  and  water  whilst  we  over- 
haul the  accounts.  Yoii  must  be  all  alive,  in  fact.  Not 
an  'o88  must  die  in  the  district  without  your  knowin'  of  it 
-you  must  'avo  the  nose  of  a  wultur,  with  the  know- 
ledge of  a  knacker.  Should  you  make  an  'api)y  "it  (hit) 
and  get  one  with  some  (/u  in  him,  I'll  let  you  use  him 
yourseK  until  we  wants  him  for  the  ])oik'r.  In  the  field, 
a  good  Sec.  ought  always  to  be  ready  to  leap  first  over 
any  awkward  jilace,  or  cat<h  the  M.F.H.'s  'oss,  if  he 
'appens  to  lea<l  over.  In  all  things  he  must  consider 
the  AI.F.H.  first,  and  nev<'r  lot  sell'  stand  in  the  way. 
Then  you'll  be  a  good  Sec,  and  when  I  dosn't  want  a 
Sec.  no  longer,  why  you'll  always  l)f>  able  to  get  a  good 
Sec.'s  place  from  tJie  character  I  shall  give   you. 

"Now,  here  we  are  at  the  'Dragon'  again.— Como 
u))-stairs and  I'll  make  you  a<'quaiii)«'d  witli  your  missis," 
saying  which,  Mr.  .forrocks  led  the  way,  and  was  met  on 


128  nANDLEY   CROSS 

tho  landiiio-  l^y  the  knock-kneed,  ^reasy-eolkivod  wiiitev, 
Avlio  ushered  them  into  the  room,  where  Mrs.  Jorrocks 
and  Belinda,  fatignied  with  the  doings  of  the  day,  had 
laid  themselves  down  on  a  couple  of  sofas,  waiting  for 
the  return  of  Mr.  Jori'ocks  to  have  their  tea. 

"  This  he  my  Sec,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  liis  sponse, 
with  the  air  of  a  man  introducing  a  party  for  whom 
there  is  no  occasion  to  put  oneself  out  of  the  way.  Mrs. 
JoiTOcks,  who  had  bolted  up  at  the  opening  of  the  door, 
gave  a  sort  of  half  bow,  and  ru]»1jing  her  eyes  and  yawn- 
ing, very  quietly  settled  herself  again  on  the  sofa.  Tea 
jjassed  away,  when  the  ladies  having  retired,  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks and  Fleeceall  very  soon  found  out  that  they  had 
a  taste  in  common,  viz. — a  love  of  l)randy  and  water, 
wherewith  they  sat  diluting  themselves  until  the  little 
hours  of  the  morning,  in  the  coui'se  of  which  carouse, 
Fleeceall  dexterously  managed  to  possess  himself  of 
every  jjarticle  of  his  worthy  patron's  history  and  affairs. 
How  much  he  had  in  the  funds,  how  much  in  Exchequer 
bills,  how  much  in  railways,  and  how  much  in  the  Glol)e 
Insui-ance  Office. 

A  page  or  two  from  Mr.  Jon-ocks"s  Journal,  which 
he  has  kindly  placed  at  our  disposal,  will  perhaps  Ijest 
elucidate  the  doings  of  the  early  days  of  his  reign  over 
the  Handley  Cross  fox-hounds. 

"  Saturday.  —  Awoke  with  desperation  'ead  ach  — 
'Dragon'  brandy  carn't  be  good — Dreamed  the  Lily- 
vite-sand  train  had  run  off  with  me,  and  chiicked  me 
into  the  channel — Called  to  Binjimin — the  boy  snorin' 
sound  asleep ! — only  think,  snorin'  sound  axJeep,  the 
weiTy  moniin'  after  comin'  down  to  whip  into  a  pack  of 
fox-'ounds— fear  he  has  no  turn  for  the  chase.  Pulled 
his  ears,  and  axed  him  what  he  was  snorin'  for.  Swore 
lie  wasn't  snorin' !  Never  heard  a  boy  of  his  size  tell 
such  a  lie  in  my  life.  Rigged  for  'unting,  only  putting 
on  my  hat  'stead  of  my  cap,— and  on  'orseback  by  day- 
light— Xerxes  fidl  of  fun— Arterxerxes  dullish— Bin. 
rode  the  latter,  in  his  new  tops  and  spurs — 'Now,'  said 
I  to  Bin.  as  we  i-ode  to  the  kennel,  '  you  are  hentering 
upon  a  most  momentous  crisis — If  you  apply  yourself 
diligently  and  assiduously  to  your  callin',  and  learn  to 
be  useful  in  kennel,  and  to  cheer  the  'ounds  with  a  full 
melodious  woice — such  a  woice,  in  fact,  as  the  tall 
lobstei'-merchant  with  the  green  plush  breeches  and  big 
calves,  that  comes  along  our  street  of  a  still  evenin", 
with  his  basket  on  his  'ead,  cryin'  '  LoB-.sYf-rv .'  fine 
\iO^-sters  ! '  has,  there  is  no  sayin'  but  in  course  of  time 


MR.   .TORROCKS   AND    HIS   SECRETARY  129 

yon  may  an-ive  at  the  distiiiguislied  "onoiir  of  veadin'  an 
account  of  your  doin's  'n\  JieJ I' -f  Life  ov  ihp  Field  :  lail 
if  you  persist  in  playin'  at  marbles,  chuck  farthin",  and 
flyin"  kites,  'stead  of  attendin"  in  tlie  stal^le.  I'll  send 
you  lack  to  the  charity  school  from  whence  you  came, 
where  you'll  he  rul)l;>ed  down  twnce  a  day  with  an  oak 
towel,  and  kept  on  chick-weed  and  f^runsell  like  a 
canary  bird.— mark  my  words  if  I  von't." 

"  Found  Mat  Maltby  at  the  kennel  weshin'  the  flags 
with  a  new  broom,  and  "issing  for  'ard  life — wery  curious 
it  is.  wet  or  dry,  soft  or  'ard,  these  chaps  always  'iss. 
'Oiuids  all  delighted  to  see  me — stood  up  in  my  stiiTups 
looking  over  the  rails,  'olloain',  cheerin'.  and  talkin'  to 
them.  Yoicks  Dexterous  I  Yoicks  Luckey-lass  !  Yoicks 
Rallywood !  G-ood  dog.  Threw  bits  of  l>iscuit  as  near 
each  of  them  as  I  could  pitch  them,  callin'  the  'ounds 
by  name,  to  let  them  see  that  I  knew  them — Some 
caught  it  in  their  mouths  like  Hindian  jiigglers — 'Let 
'em  out,  Mat,'  at  last  ci'ied  I.  when  l>ack  went  the  bolt, 
open  went  the  door,  and  out  they  rushed  full  cry.  like  a 
l)ent-up  'umcane,  tearin'  do^vii  Hex  worthy  Sti'eet  into 
Jireth  Place,  through  Moniington  Crescent,  by  the 
Bramber  Promenade  into  tlio  High  Street,  and  down  it 
with  a  crash  and  melody  of  sweet  mu.sic;  that  roused  all 
the  old  water-drinkin'  maids  from  their  pillows,  gal- 
vanised the  watchmen,  astonished  the  gas-light  man, 
who  was  making  way  for  daylight,  and  reg'larly  rousing 
the  whole  inhabitants  of  the  place. 

■'  Clapt  spurs  to  Xerxes  and  arter  them,  holloain'  and 
crackin'  my  whii^.  l>ut  deuce  a  bit  did  they  'eed  me — on 
tliey  went  I  stems  n\)  and  'eads  too.  towliu',  and  howlin', 
and  chirpin',  as  though  they  had  a  fox  afore  them. 
But<-her8'  dogs,  curs,  setters,  mastiffs,  mongi-ela  of  all 
sorts  and  sizes,  flew  out  as  tliey  went,  some  joinin'  cry, 
othei'S  won^in'  and  fightin'  their  way,  but  still  the  body 
of  tlie  pack  kept  movin'  onward  at  a  splittin'  pace,  down 
the  London  Road,  as  wild  as  hawks,  without  turning  to 
the  right  or  the  left,  imtil   they  all   ilew,  like  a  flock  of 

1>igeon8.  clean  out  of  sight.  '  Oh,  dear !  oh,  dear  I '  cried 
'.pullin'up,  fairly  exhausted,  at  the  third  mile  stone,  by 
the  cross-roafls  from  f'adger's  House  ;i7id  Knowllon. 
'I've  lost  my 'ounds,  and  I'm  niinod  for  ever.'  'Blow 
your 'om  !' cried  a  countryman  who  was  sittin'  on  the 
stone,  'they  arc  not  far  aft>re  yon,  and  the  dogs  not  far 
afore  them  : '  Imt  blow  me  tight,  I  was  so  blown  myself, 
that  I  couldn't  raise  a  puft"  -easier  to  IjIow  one's  'orse 
than    one's   'om.      To    add    to    my    grief    and    infinite 

K 


130 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


moi-tification,  Biujiuiiii  came  poxindin'  and  clatterin' 
along-  the  hard  road,  holloain'  out  as  he  went,  'Buy 
ljOii-sh>r-r  .'  fine  JjOB-s/er-r-r  !' 

"  The  pack  had  turned  dovn\  Greenford  Tjane.  and  I 
.iofjged  after  them,  sorely  puzzled,  and  desperate  per- 
plexed. On  I  went  for  a  mile  or  more,  when  the  easterly 
breeze  bore  the  'ounds'..  cry  on  its  winpfs,  and  pushin' 


forward,  I  came  to  a  corner  of  the  road,  where  the 
beauties  had  thrown  up  short  before  an  Italian  plaster 
of  Paris  poll-pari-ot  merchant,  who,  tray  on  head,  had 
the  whole  pack  at  bay  around  him.  liellowin'  and  howlin' 
as  though  they  would  eat  him.  '  Get  round  them, 
Binjimin,'  cried  I,  'and  flog-  them  away  to  me,'  and 
takin'  out  my  'orn,  I  blew  for  'ard  life,  and  what  with 
view  halloas,  and  cheerin',  and  coaxin',  with  Bin.  at 
their  stems,  succeeded  in  gettin'  most  of  them  back  to 


MT^.   JORROCKS   ANT>   HTS   SECRETARY  131 

their  kpiinel.  Plaster  of  Paris  poll-]iarrot  merchant 
followed  all  the  way,  indulcin'  in  frightful  faces  and  an 
unknown  tongue." 

The  Journal  then  hranches  off  into  a  uieni.  of  what  he 
did  at  breakfast  in  the  eating  line,  how  he  paid  liis  l)ill 
at  the  "Dragon."  after  disputing  the  brandy  items, 
adding  that  though  attendance  was  charged  in  the  l)ill, 
the  servants  all  evinced  a  disposition  to  shake  hands 
with  him  at  parting,  which  he  thought  was  making 
matters  worse  instead  of  1>etter.  He  also  recorded  how 
he  moved  to  Diana  Lodge,  which  he  did  not  find  quite  so 
commodious  as  he  expected.  The  day's  entry  closes  with 
a  mem.  that  he  had  stewed  beef-steaks  for  dinner. 

"Sunday. — Up  by  cock-crow,  and  into  the  kennel. 
Dexterous  and  Mercuiy  lieen  fightin'  about  a  bone,  and 
Mercuiy  got  a  bloo<ly  ear.  Lector'd  Bin.  and  Matt  upon 
the  uni>ropriety  of  leavin"  bones  al>out.  Made  Bin.  call 
over  the  ounds  by  name,  double-thongin'  him  when 
he  made  a  mistake. 

"  Mrs.  Jorrocks  in  a  desperation  fidget  to  get  to  chiu-ch. 
Never  know'd  hei-  so  keen  afoi-e.  Seci-et  out — got  a 
new  gowni.  and  a  bonnet  like  a  market  gardener's  flower- 
Viasket.  Witli  all  her  keenness  contrived  to  start  just  as 
the  bells  gave  over  ringin' — Beadle,  in  blue  and  gold. 
witli  a  cocked  'at  on  his  head,  and  a  white  wand  in  his 
hand,  received  us  at  the  door,  and  handed  us  over  to  the 
sextf)n.  in  deej)  blue,  bound  witli  l)lack  velvet,  who 
j)araded  us  up  the  'isle,  and  placed  us  with  much 
clattei'iii'  in  the  sejit  of  lumour  just  afore  the  pul))it. 
Church  desperate  full,  and  every  eye  turned  on  the 
iM.F.H. — Mi-8.  J.  thought  they  were  lookin'  at  her!  poor 
deluded  body.  Belinda,  dressed  in  lavender,  and  lookin" 
we rrj- wholesome.  Lessons  ]<mg — sennon  ex<'ellen(  all 
about  'onering  onf'a  sujieriors,  meiining  the  M.F.Tf. 
doubtless. 

"After  cliui'cli.  friend  Miserrimus  came  and  sliool; 
"iinds  with  UHalJVound.  Gave  him  'unliounded  i)leasure' 
to  see  us  all  so  bloomin'  and  well.  Mrs.  J.  delighted,  and 
axed  liini  fo  diiif.  Five,  and  no  waitin."  Walk<'<l  down 
Hiirli  Street.  Mrs.  JonoclcH  071  one  arm,  Bi'limla  on 
t'other.  Dolefid  in  the  gntter.  Fine  thing  to  lieagi'oat 
man.  Everybody  stared  -many  took  off  their  'ats.- 
Oountry  peojile  got  off  the  flags.  'That's  Mr.  .Torrocks,* 
said  one.  'vVhifh?'  cried  another.  'Do  show  him  to 
nie.'  becrged  a  tliinl.  '  .forrocks  fru-  ever  I '  cried  the 
children.  Nfithing  Uke  being  a  great  man.  Kennel  at 
two — feedin'time — jdaster  of  Paris  poll  paiTot  merchant 


132  HANDLEY   CROSS 

ontsicle.  still  in  a  great  rage,  but  didn't  catch  wliat  he 
said.  M;niy  people  came  and  wondered  liow  I  Icnew  tlm 
names  of  the  "onnds — all  so  much  alike,  they  said,  take 
them  a,  lifetime  to  know  them.    Miserahle  ignoraumsses. 

"Monday. — At  the  kennel  l>y  daylight.  Binjimin,  as 
nsiial,  to  be  kicked  awake.  The  bony  seems  to  take  no 
intei-est  in  the  thing.  Fear  all  the  lickin'  in  the  world 
von't  drive  a  i)assion  for  the  chase  into  him.  Threatened 
to  cut  his  coat  into  ribbons  on  his  back,  if  he  didn't  look 
lively.  Mat  Maltby  recommended  tlie  "ounds  to  be 
coupled  this  time — condescended  to  take  his  advice. 
Told  Bin.  not  to  cry  '  boil'd  ILo^-.sters '  as  he  did  on 
Satiu-day,  l:mt  to  sing  out  in  a  cheerful  voice,  rich  and 
melodious,  I>7,-c  the  boiled-lobster  merchant.  Axed  what 
to  sing  out  ?  Whj',  '  get  on  'ounds,'  ven  'ounds  'ang 
(hang)  back,  and  '  gently  there  ! '  when  they  gets  too  far 
forward,  said  I.  Put  Xerxes's  liead  towards  kennel 
door  this  time,  instead  of  from  it.  Worth  a  golden 
sovereign  of  any  man's  money  to  see  'oimds  turn  out  of 
kennel.  Sicli  a  cry  !  sich  music  !  old  Dexterous  jumped 
up  at  Xei-xes.  and  the  hanimal  all  but  kicked  me  over 
his  'ead.  Pack  gathered  roinid  me,  some  jnmpin'  up 
against  the  'oss's  side,  others  standin'  bayiu",  and  some 
lookin'  anxiouslj^  in  my  face,  as  much  as  to  say,  which 
way  this  time,  Mr.  Joi'rocks  ?  Took  them  a  good  long 
strong  trot  to  the  pike,  near  Smarden,  and  round  by 
Billingln-ook,  letting  them  see  the  deer  in  Chidfold  Park. 
Quite  steady — make  no  doubt  they  will  be  a  werry 
su])erior  jiack  in  less  than  no  time — make  them  as 
handey  as  ladies'  maids,  — do  everything  but  pay  their 
own  pikes  in  fact.  Wonder  Doleful  don't  ride  out. 
Keen  sportsman  like  him,  one  would  think  would  like  to 
see  the  'ounds." 

The  Journal  ])roceeds  in  this  strain  for  two  or  three 
days  more,  Mr.  JoiTOcks  becoming  Ijetter  satisfied  with 
his  pack  each  time  he  had  them  out.  On  the  Friday,  he 
determined  on  having  a  bye-day  on  the  following  one, 
for  which  purpose  he  ordered  his  secretary  to  be  in 
attendance,  to  show  him  a  likely  find  in  a  country  where 
he  would  not  disturb  many  covers.  Of  course  the  meet 
was  to  be  kei)t  strictly  private,  and  of  <;ourse,  like  all 
'■  strict  secrets,"  Fleeceall  took  care  to  tell  it  to  half  the 
]dace.  Still,  as  it  was  a  "  peep-of-day  affair,"  publicity  did 
not  make  much  matter,  inasmuch  as  few  of  the  Handley 
Cross  gentry  loved  hunting  better  than  their  beds. 

Fleeceall's  situation  was  rather  one  of  difficulty,  for 
he  had  never  been  out  liunting  but  once,  and  that  once 


MR.  JORROCKS  AND  HIS  SECRETARY 


133 


MK.    JOKHOCKS   CAI-LIWO   llEKJAMIIT 


was  in  a  </\<s.  aa  related  in  a  preceding  chapter;  but 
knowinj^,  as  Dr.  Jolinson  said,  that  there  are  "  two  sorts 
of  information,  oiip  that  a  man  cairies  in  his  liead,  and 
the  other  that  he  knows  where  to  ^ret."  nothinj^  daunted 
by  the  mandate,  lie  repaired  to  Mat  Maltby,  the  elder,  a 
cunninpr  old  poacher,  who  knew  every  cover  in  the  county, 
uprm  wliose  recommendation  it  was  arraiif^ed  that  a  bag- 
fox,  tlien  in  the  jjossession  of  a  neiglibour,  should  lie 
shook  in  South  (jrove,  a  long  slip  of  old  oak,  with  an 
excellent  bottom  for  holdiuf^  a  fox.  All  (liinKs  boinj,'- 
thus  aiTanj^ed,  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  conceive<i,  with  the 
trTeat*»st  secrecy,  he  went  t<j  bed  early,  and  long  I'cfore 
it  was  light  he  lay  turn  1)1  ing  and  tossing  about,  listening 
U>  the  ticking  of  the  <lo(d{  below,  and  the  snoi-ing  of 
Benjamin  above. 

At  last  day  began  to  dawn,  and  hii\ing  sought  Ben's 
room  and  soused  the  iKiy  with  a  pitcher  of  cold  water. 
Mr.  Jon-ocks  proceeded  to  jum))  into  his  bunting  clothes, 


134!  HANDLEY  CROSS 

consisting  of  a  roomy  swai'let  coat,  with  oiJObsuui  pockets 
and  spoon  cuffs,  drab  shags,  and  mahogany-coloured 
tops._  Arri\;ed  at  the  kennel,  he  found  Fleeceall  there, 
on  his  old  gig  mare,  with  his  hands  stiick  in  the  pockets 
of  a  dirty  old  mackintosh,  which  completely  enveloped 
his  porson.  "  Is  Miserrimus  'ere  ? "  inquii-ed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks,  all  fuss  and  fluri-y  on  discovering  the  person  of 
his  secretary.  "  Well,  carn't  wait — soriy  tor  it — know 
better  another  time ; " '  and  thereupon  he  ordei-ed  out  the 
horses,  gave  Ben  a  leg  up  on  to  Xerxes,  mounted  Arter- 
xerxes  himself,  the  hounds  were  luikennelled  with  a 
melodious  rush,  and  desiring  Fleeceall  to  lead  the  way, 
Mr.  Jorrocks  got  the  glad  pack  about  him,  and  went 
away  for  South  Grove,  with  a  broad  grin  of  satisfaction 
on  his  jolly  face. 

The  day  seemed  aiispicious,  and  there  was  a  balmy 
freshness  in  the  air  that  promised  well  foi-  scent.  Added 
to  this,  Mr.  JoiTocks  had  cut  the  left  side  of  his  chin  in 
shaving,  which  he  always  considered  ominous  of  sport. 
— Bump,  bump,  jolt,  jolt,  jog,  jog,  he  went  on  his  lum- 
bei'ing  hunter,  now  craneing  over  its  ne('k  to  try  if  he 
could  see  its  knees,  now  cheering  and  throwing  bits  of 
biscuit  to  the  hounds,  now  looking  back  to  see  if  Ben- 
jamin was  in  his  right  place,  and  again  holloaing  out 
some  witticism  to  Fleeceall  in  advance.  Thus  they 
reached  the  rushy,  unenclosed  common,  pai-tially  studded 
with  patches  of  straggling  gorse,  whicli  Ijounds  the  east 
side  of  South  Grove,  and  our  sj^orting  master  having 
wet  his  forefinger  on  his  tongiie,  and  held  it  up  to  ascer- 
tain which  quarter  the  little  air  there  was  came  from, 
so  as  to  give  the  pack  the  benefit  of  the  wind,  prepared 
for  throwing  off'  without  delay.  Having  scrutinized  the 
wood  fence  most  attentively,  he  brought  his  horse  to 
Ijear  u^ion  the  rotten  stakes  and  witherings  of  a  low,  ill 
made-xip  gap.  In  the  distance  Joirocks  thought  of 
jumping  it,  Ijut  he  changed  his  mind  as  he  got  nearer. 
'■  Pull  out  this  stake,  Binjimin,"  exclaimed  he  to  the  boy, 
suddenly  reining  up  short;  '"  Jamp  a  top  on't!  jamp  a 
tojj  on't ! "  added  he,  "  so  as  to  level  the  "edge  with  the 
ground,"  observing,  "these  little  places  often  give  one 
werry  nasty  falls."  This  feat  being  accomplished,  Ben- 
jamin climbed  on  to  Xei-xes  again,  and  Jorrocks,  desiring 
him  to  keep  on  the  right  of  the  cover,  parallel  with  him, 
and  not  to  be  sijaring  of  his  woice,  rode  into  the  wood 
after  his  hounds,  who  had  bi'oken  away  with  a  whimper, 
ripening  into  a  challenge,  the  moment  he  turned  his 
hoi'se's  head  towards  the  cover. 


MR.  JORROCKS  AND  HIS  SECRETARY       135 

What  a  cry  there  was  !  The  boy  with  the  fox  in  a  bag 
had  crossed  the  main  ride  about  a  minute  before  the 
hoimds  entered,  and  they  took  np  the  scent  in  an 
instant.— Mr.  Jorrocks  thought  it  was  the  nionaing  drag, 
and  screamed  and  holloaed  most  cheerily—"  Talli-ho  !  " 
was  heard  almost  instantaneously  at  the  far  end  of  the 
wood,  and  taking  out  his  horn,  Mr.  JoiTocks  scrambled 
through  the  underwood,  breaking  the  briars  and  snap- 
ping the  hazels  as  he  went.  Sm-e  enough  the  fox  had 
gone  that  way,  but  the  hounds  were  running  flash  in  a 
contraa-y  direction.  " Talli-ho  1  talli-ho!  hoop!  hoop! 
hoop  I  away  1  away !  away ! "  holloaed  Mat  Maltby,  who, 
after  shaking  the  fox  most  scientifically,  had  pocketed 
the  sack. 

Twang,  twang,  twang,  went  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  horn, 
sometimes  in  full,  sometimes  in  divided  notes  and  half 
screeches.  The  hounds  turn  and  make  for  the  point. 
Governor,  Adamant,  Dexterous,  and  Judgment  came 
first,  then  the  body  of  the  pack,  followed  by  Benjamin 
at  full  gallop  on  Xerxes,  vnth  his  face  and  hands  all 
scratched  and  bleeding  from  the  briars  and  brushwood, 
that  Xerxes,  bit  in  teeth,  had  borne  him  triumphantly 
through.  Bang— the  horse  shot  past  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
Benjamin  screaming,  yelling,  and  holding  on  by  the 
mane.  Xerxes  doing  with  him  just  what  he  liked,  and 
the  hounds  getting  together  and  settling  to  the  scent. 
"  My  vig,  wot  a  splitter ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  aston- 
ishment, as  Xerxes  took  a.  high  stone  wall  out  of  the 
cover  in  his  stride,  without  disturl>ing  the  coping,  but 
bi-inging  Ben  right  on  to  his  shoulder-"  Hoff,  for  a  fi' 
pun  note!  liott"  for  a  guinea  'at  to  a  Gossamer!"  ex- 
claimed Mr.  Jon-ocks,  eyeing  his  whipper-in's  efllorts  to 
regain  the  saddle. — A  friendly  chuck  of  Xerxes's  head 
uflsists  his  endeavours,  and  Ben  scrambles  back  to  his 
place.  A  gate  on  the  left  let  Mr.  Jonocks  out  of  cover, 
on  to  a  good  sound  sward,  which  lie  prepared  to  take 
advantage  of  }>y  getting  Art**rxerxes  short  by  the  head, 
rising  in  liis  stirnips,  and  hustling  him  along  as  hard  as 
ever  he  could  lay  legs  to  the  ground.  An  oi)en  gate  at 
the  top  fed  the  flame  of  his  eagemess,  and,  not  l>eing 
afraid  of  the  inw:e  so  long  as  there  wtis  no  leaping, 
JoiTocks  Hcnt  liim  spluttering  through  a  swede  turnip 
field  as  if  it  was  pasture.  Now  sitting  plum  in  his 
saddle,  he  gathered  his  gi-eat  whip  tog'-ttier,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  rib-roast  Arterxei-xes  in  the  most  Humniary 
manner,  calling  him  a  great,  lurching,  rolling,  lumbei-ing 
1>eggar,  vowing  that  if  lie  didn't  lay  himself  out  and  go 


136  HANDLEY   CROSS 

as  he  ouKht,  he'd  "  boil  him  when  he  got  'ome."  So  he 
jei-ked  and  jagged,  and  kicked  and  spurred,  and  hit  and 
lield,  making  Indifferent  progress  comi^ared  to  his  exer- 
tions. The  exciting  cry  of  hounds  sounded  in  front, 
and  now  passing  on  to  a  very  heavy,  roughly  jjloughed 
upland,  our  master  saw  the  hind-quai-ters  of  some  half- 
dozen  horses,  the  riders  of  which  had  been  in  the 
secret,  disappearing  througli  the  high  quick  fence  at  the 
top. 

"'  Dash  my  vig,  'ere's  an  imawoidable  leap,  I  do  believe," 
said  he  to  himself,  as  he  neared  the  headland,  and  saw 
no  way  out  of  the  field  but  over  the  fence— a  boundary 
one;  "  and  a  werry  hawkward  place  it  is  too,"  added  he, 
eyeing  it  intently,  ''  a  yawnin'  blind  ditch,  a  hugly  quick 
fence  on  the  top,  and  may  be,  a  plough  or  'arrow  turned 
teeth  liu])permost,  on  the  far  side. 

"  Oh,  John  JoiTocks,  Jolm  Jorrocks,  my  good  frind,  I 
wishes  you  were  well  over  with  all  my  'eai-t — teri'i))le 
place,  indeed !  Give  a  guinea  'at  to  Ije  on  the  far  side," 
so  saying,  he  dismoiuited,  and  pulling  the  snaffle-rein  of 
the  bridle  over  his  horse's  head,  he  knotted  the  lash  of 
his  ponderous  whip  to  it,  and  very  quietly  slid  down  the 
ditch  and  climbed  up  the  fence,  '"  who-a-ing  "  and  crying 
to  his  horse  to  "  stand  still,"  expecting  every  minute  to 
have  him  atop  of  him.  The  taking-on  place  was  wide, 
and  two  horses  having  gone  over  before,  had  done  a 
little  towards  cleai-ing  the  way,  so  having  gained  his 
equilibrium  on  the  toi>,  Mr.  JoiTOcks  began  jerking  and 
coaxing  Arterxerxes  to  induce  him  to  follow,  pulling  at 
him  much  in  the  style  of  a  school-boy  who  catches  a  log 
of  wood  in  fishing. 

"  Come  hup !  my  man."  cried  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  coaxingly, 
jerking  the  rein;  but  Arterxerxes  only  stuck  his  great 
resolute  fore  legs  in  advance,  and  pulled  the  other  way. 
"  Gently,  old  fellow !  "  cried  he,  "  gently,  Ai-terxerxes, 
my  bouy  !  "  dropping  his  hand,  so  as  to  give  him  a  little 
more  line,  and  then  trying  what  effect  a  jerk  would  have, 
in  inducing  him  to  do  what  he  wanted.  Still  the  horse 
stood  v.ith  his  great  legs  before  him.  He  appeai'ed  to 
have  no  notion  of  leaping.  Jorrocks  began  to  wax  angry. 
"  Dash  my  vig,  you  hugly  biiite !  "  he  exclaimed,  grinning 
with  rage  at  the  thoughts  of  the  nin  he  was  losing, 
■■  dash  my  vig,  if  you  don't  mind  what  you're  arter,  I'll 
get  on  your  back  and  bury  my  spurs  i'  your  sides. 
Come  Hup!  I  say,  you  hugly  beast!"  roared  he, 
giving  a  tremendous  jerk  of  the  rein,  upon  which  the 
horse  flew  hack,  pulling   Jon-ocks  downwards  in  the 


MR.  JORROCKS  AND  HIS  SECRETARY       137 

mu.idy  ditch.     Arterxerxes  then  threw  up  his  heels  and 
ran  away,  whip  and  all. 

Meanwhile,  our  baf^niau  played  his  part  eallantly. 
running  three-quarters  of  a  ring,  of  three-quarters  of 
a  mile,  chiefly  in  view,  when,  feeling  exliausted,  he  threw 
liimself  into  a  furze-patch,  near  a  farmyard,  where 
Dauntless  very  soon  had  him  1:)y  the  back,  but  the  smell 
of  the  aniseed,  with  which  he  had  been  plentifvilly 
mVjl>ed.  disgusting  the  hound,  he  chucked  him  in  the 
air  and  let  him  fall  back  in  the  bush.  Xerxes,  who  had 
lioiTie  Ben  gallantly  before  the  body  of  the  pack,  came 
tearing  along,  like  a  poodle  with  a  monkey  on  his  back, 
when,  losing  the  cry  of  hoimds.  the  horse  suddenly 
stopped  short,  and  off  flew  Benjamin  beside  the  fox, 
who,  all  wild  with  fear  and  rage,  seized  Ben  by  the 
nose,  who  ran  about  with  the  fox  hanging  to  him, 
yelling,  "Miu-der!  murder!  murder!"  for  hard  life. 

And  to  crown  the  day's  disasters,  wlien  at  length  our 
fat  friend  got  his  horse  and  his  hounds,  and  his  damaged 
Benjamin  scraped  together  again,  and  re-entered 
Handley  Cross,  he  was  yelled  at,  and  hooted,  and  rid 
coat !  rid  coat ! — ed  V)y  the  children,  and  made  an  object 
of  \mmerited  ridicule  by  the  fair  but  rather  unfeeling 
l)ortion  of  the  populace. 

■'  Lauk  !  here's  an  old  cha]j  been  to  Spilsby !  "  shouted 
Betty  Lucas,  the  mangle-woman,  on  getting  a  view  of 
his  great  mud-stained  back. 

"  /{o'j( !  he's  always  tumblin'  off,  tliat  'ard  chaj)," 
resijonded  Mrs.  Hardljake,  the  itinerant  lolly-])Op  seller, 
wlio  was  now  waddling  along  with  lier  tray  before  her.  ^^ 

"Sich  old  fellers  have  no  business  out  a  hvmtin' !  " 
obsei-ved  Miss  Rauipling,  the  dressmaker,  as  she  stood 
Htaring,  bonnet-box  on  arm. 

Then  a  marble-playing  group  of  boys  suspended 
oi^erations  to  give  JoiTocks  three  clieers ;  one,  more 
forwai-d  than  the  rest,  exclaiming,  as  he  eyed  Arterxerxes, 
■'  A  !  wliiit  a  shal)t>y  tail  I     A  !  wliat  a  shabliy  tail !" 

Next  as  he  jjasHcd  the  Barley-mow  IxM-r-sliop,  Mrs. 
(iallon,  the  landlady,  who  was  nursing  a  child  at  the 
door,  exclaimed  across  the  street,  to  Blash,  the  l)arlK'r'8 
pretty  but  rather  wordy  wife— 

"  A-a— a!  ar  say  Fanny  :-o!d  Fatty's  had  a  fall !  " 

To  which  Mrs.  Blash  replied  witli  a  scornful  toss  of 
her  lif-ad,  at  our  now  admiring  friend 

"  Hul !  he's  always  on  his  back,  that  old  feller." 

"  Not  'alf  HO  often  as  you  are,  old  gal !  "  retoi-ted  the 
now  indignant  Mr.  Jorrocks,  spurring  on  out  of  hearing. 


CHAPTER    XV 

THK   COCKNEY   WHIPPER-IN 

"  When  will  your  hounds  he  going  out  agaiu  tliink  ye, 
Mr.  Benjamin?"  inquired  Samuel  Slronpr,  a  country 
servant  of  all  work,  lately  arrived  at  Handley  Cross,  as 
they  sat  round  the  saddle-room  fire  of  the  "Dragon 
Inn "  j^ard,  in  company  with  the  persons  hereafter 
enumerated,  the  day  after  the  I'un  described  in  the  last 
chapter. 

Samuel  Strong  was  just  the  sort  of  man  that  would 
he  Samuel  Strong.  Were  his  master  to  ring  his  bell, 
and  desire  the  waiter  to  tell  the  "  Boots  "  to  send  his 
servant  "  Samuel  Strong "  to  him,  Boots  would  pick 
Sam  out  of  a  score  of  servants,  without  ever  having 
seen  him  before.  He  was  quite  the  southern- hound 
breed  of  domestics.  Large-headed,  almost  lop-eared, 
red-haired  (long,  coarse,  and  uneven),  fiery  whiskers, 
making  a  complete  fringe  i-ound  his  hai-vest  moon  of  a 
face,  with  a  short  thick  nose  that  looked  as  though  it 
had  been  sat  upon  lay  a  heavy  j)erson.  In  stature  he 
was  of  the  middle  height,  square  built,  and  terribly 
clumsy. 

Nor  were  the  defects  of  natiu-e  at  all  comiter-balanced 
by  the  advantages  of  dress,  for  Strong  was  clad  in  a 
rural  suit  of  livery,  consisting  of  a  footman's  moniing 
jacket  of  dai'k  grey  cloth,  \vith  a  stand-uj)  collar, 
plentifully  besprinkled  with  large  brass  Ijuttons, 
with  raised  edges,  as  though  his  master  were  expect- 
ing his  crest  from  the  herald's  college.  Moreover, 
the  jacket,  either  from  an  original  detect  in  its  con- 
sti-uction,  or  from  that  propensity  to  shrink,  which 
infei-ior  clothes  unfoi-tunately  have,  had  so  contracted 
its  dimensions  that  the  waist-buttons  were  half-way  up 
Samuel's  back,  and  the  lower  ones  were  just  where  the 
top  ones  ought  to  be.    The  shrinking  of  the  sleeves 


THE   COCKNEY    WHIPPER-IN 


139 


placed  a  pair  of  larj^e  berviceable-lookiiig  hands  iu 
nervously  strikin<r  relief.  The  waistcoat,  broad  blue 
and  white  stripe,  made  up  stripe  len<?thways,  was  new, 
and  probably  the  tailor,  Ijemoaning  the  scanty,  appear- 
ance of  Sam's  nether  man,  had  determined  to  make 
some  atonement  to  his  front,  for  the  waistcoat  extended 


OKHJIMIN    l!r    THK    811>l>l.l.    KUOM 


full  four  inchea  bel<jw  Imh  coat,  and  concealed  tlio  ui)i)er 
pait  of  a  very  baggy  pair  of  Vdue  plush  shorts,  that  were 
met  again  l»y  vory  tiglit  drali  gaiters,  that  evidently 
r.Mjuired  no  little  ingenuity  to  coax  together  to  button. 
A  Hix-shillijig-hat,  with  a  narrow  silver  band,  and 
l)inding  of  the  same  metal,  and  a  p:iir  of  darned  white 
Berlin  glovc.s,  completed  the  costume  of  this  figure 
servant. 


140  HANDLE  Y   CROSS 

Benjniuin  Brady — or '' Binjimiu" — was  the  very  cun- 
verse  of  Sauiuel  Strong.  A  little  puny,  pale-faced,  gin- 
drinking-looking  Cockney,  with  a  pair  of  roving  pig- 
eyes,  peering  from  l)elow  his  lank  white  hair,  cut  evenly 
roxmd  his  head,  as  though  it  liad  been  done  by  the  edges 
of  a  barber's  basin.  Benjamin  had  increased  consider- 
ably in  his  own  opinion,  Isy  the  acquisition  of  a  ]jair  of 
top-boots,  and  his  appointment  of  whipper-in  to  the 
liounds,  in  which,  he  was  a  good  deal  su^jported  l>y  the 
deference  usually  paid  by  country  servants  to  London 
ones. 

Like  all  inn  saddle-rooms,  the  "  Dragon "  one  was 
somewhat  contracted  in  its  dimensions,  and  what  little 
there  was,  was  rendered  less,  by  sundry  sets  of  harness 
hanging  against  the  walls,  and  divers  saddle-stands, 
boot-trees,  knife-cleaners,  broken  pitchforks,  and  l)ottles 
Avitli  candles  in  their  necks,  scattered  i^romiscxiously 
around.  Nevertheless,  there  was  a  fire,  to  keep  "  hot 
water  ready,"  and  above  the  fire-place  were  sundiy 
smoke-dried  hand-bills  of  country  horses  for  the  by- 
gone season — "  Jumj^ei — Clever  Clumsy — Barney  Bodkin 
— Billy  Button,  &c." — while  logs  of  wood,  three-legged 
stools,  and  inverted  liorse-pails,  served  the  i^lace  of 
chairs  around. 

On  the  boiler  side  of  the  fire,  away  from  the  door — for 
no  one  has  a  gi-eater  regard  for  No.  1  than  himself — sat 
the  renoAATied  Benjamin  Brady,  in  a  groom's  drab  frock 
coat,  reaching  down  to  his  heels,  a  sky-blue  waistcoat, 
patent  cord  breeches,  with  grey  worsted  stockings,  and 
slii:)pers,  airing  a  pair  of  very  small  mud-stained  top- 
boots  before  the  fire,  occasionally  feeling  the  scratches 
on  his  face,  and  the  Ijites  the  fox  inflicted  on  his  nose 
the  previous  day — next  him,  sat  the  "first  pair  hvy  out," 
a  grey-headed  old  man  of  sixty,  whose  jacket,  breeches, 
Ijoots,  entire  person,  in  fact,  were  concealed  by  a  long 
brown  hoUand  thing,  that  gave  him  the  appearance  of 
sitting  booted  and  spvirred  in  his  night-shirt.  Then 
came  the  ostler's  lad,  a  boy  of  some  eight  or  nine  yeai-s 
old,  rolling  about  on  the  flags,  inlaying  with  the  saddle- 
room  cat;  and,  immediately  before  the  fire,  on  a  large 
inverted  horse-pail,  sat  Samuel  Strong,  while  the  circle 
was  made  out  by  Bill  Brown  (Dick  the  ostler's  one-eyed 
helper),  "Tom,"  a  return  post-boy,  and  a  lad  who  assisted 
Bill  Brown,  the  one-eyed  helper  of  Dick  the  ostler — 
^'hen  Dick  himself  was  acting  the  part  of  assistant 
waiter  in  the  "Dragon,"  as  was  the  case  on  this 
occasion. 


THE   COCKKEY  WHIPPER-IN  141 

'•When  will  yom-  hounds  be  going  ont  again  think 
ye,  Mr.  Benjamin  P"  was  the  question  put  by  Samuel 
Strong,  to  our  sporting  Leviathan. 

"  "Ang  me  if  I  knows,"  replied  the  boy.  with  th<> 
utmost  impoi-tance,  turning  his  top-lwots  before  the 
fire.  "  It's  precious  little  consequence,  I  thinks,  ven  we 
goes  out  again,  if  that  gallows  old  governor  of  ours  per- 
sists in  \mting  the  'ounds  himself.  I've  all  the  work  to 
do !  Bless  ve,  we  should  have  lost  "oiinds,  fox,  and  all, 
yesterday,  if  I  hadn't  rid  like  the  werry  wengeance.  See 
'ow  I've" scratched  my  mug,"  added  he,  turning  up  a 
vei-y  pa.sty  and  much  scratched  countenance.  "If  I'm 
to  'imt  the  ounds.  and  risk  my  neck  at  every  stride,  I 
must  have  the  wages  of  a  'untsmau,  or  blow  me  tight,  as 
the  old  'un  says,  he  may  suit  himself." 

••  Whafn  a  chap  is  your  old  gen'lcman  ? ""  inquired  the 
"first  pair  boy  out,"  who,  having  been  in  the  service 
himself,  where"  he  might  have  remained  if  he  could  have 
kept  sober,  had  still  a  curiosity  to  know  how  the  world 
of  servitude  went  on. 

■'Oh,  hang'd  if  I  knows,"  replied  Benjamin,  "precious 
rum  'un  I  assure  you.  Whiles,  he's  well  enough— then 
it's  Bin  this,  and  Bin  that,  and  Bin  you'll  be  a  werry 
great  nuin,  IBiu,  and  such  like  gammon;  and  then  the 
next  minute,  p'r'aps.  he's  in  a  reg'lar  sky-blue,  swearin' 
he'll  cut  my  liver  and  lights  out,  or  bind  me  apprentice 
to  a  fiddler- Init  then  I  knows  the  old  fool,  and  he  knows 
he  canit  do  without  me.  so  we  just  battle  on  the  best 
way  we  can  together,"  added  Ben,  with  a  knowing  toss 
of  liis  head. 

"You'll  have  good  wage  I  s'pose,"  rejoined  Samuel, 
with  a  sigh,  for  liis  "govemor"  only  gave  him  ten 
pounds  a  year,  and  no  perquisites,  or  "■  stealings"  as  the 
Americans  honestly  call  them. 

"Precious  little  of  that  I  assure  you,"  replied  Ben- 
jamin—"at  least  the  old  warment  never  pays  me.  He 
swears  he  i)ays  it  to  our  old  'oniiin;  Init  I  believe  he 
pockets  it  iiimself,  an  old  ram  ;  but  I'll  liave  a  reckcming 
witli  him  some  of  these  odd  days,  or  I'll  be  oft"  to  the 
diggins.  What'n  a  Vilackgiiard's  your  miister?"  now 
asked  Ben.  thinking  to  get  some  information  in  rotuni. 
"  Hush  ! "  replied  Sanuiel.  astonished  at  Ben's  freedom 
of  speech,  a  tiling  iKjt  altf)gctlier  understood  in  the 
country. 

"Abad'un  I'll  ]xi  bund,"  continued  the  little  rascal, 
"or  ho  wouldn't  see  you  mooning  iibout  in  such  ii  nnn- 
busticjil  apology  for  a  coat,  with  l:i|js  tiiat  scarce  cover 


M-2  HANBLEY   CROSS 

you  decently ; "  reaching:  behind  the  aged  post-boy,  and 
t.akm<?  lip  Mr.  Sanmers  fan-tail  as  he  spoke.  "I  never 
sees  a  sei*vant  in  a  cutty-coat,  without  swearing  his 
master's  a  screw.  Now  these  droll  things  such  as  yoii 
have  on,  are  just  vot  the  great  folks  in  London  give 
their  flunkeys  to  carry  coals,  and  make  up  fires  in,  but 
never  to  go  stai-ing  from  home  with.  Then  your  country 
folks  get  hold  of  them,  and  think  by  clapping  such 
clowns  as  you  iu  them,  to  make  people  believe  that  they 
have  other  coats  at  home.  Tell  the  truth  now,  old 
baggy-breeches,  have  you  another  coat  of  any  soi-t  ?  " 

'■  Yee-as,"  replied  Samuel  Strong,  "I've  a  fustian  one." 

"  Vot,  you  a  fustian  coat ! "  repeated  Ben  in  astonish- 
ment, "  vy  I  thought  you  were  a  flunkey ! " 

"  So  I  am,""  replied  Samuel,  "  but  I  looks  ater  a  hus 
and  shay  as  well." 

"Crikey!"  cried  Benjamin,  "here's  a  figui-e  futman 
what  looks  arter  a  'oss  and  chay — Vy  you'll  be  vot  they 
call  a  man  of  '  all  vork."  a  wite  nigger — a  wite  Uncle 
Tom  in  fact !  dear  me,"  added  he,  eyeing  him  in  a  way 
that  drew  a  peal  of  laughter  from  the  party,  "  vot  a 
curious  beast  you  must  be !  I  shouldn"t  wonder  now  if 
you  could  mow  .P  " 

"  With  any  man,"  replied  Samuel,  thinking  to  astonish 
Benjamin  with  his  talent, — 

"And  sow?"' 

"  Yee'as  and  sow." 

"Andploo?"  (plough). 

"Never  tried — dare  say  I  could  though." 

"  And  do  you  feed  the  pigs  ?  "  inquired  Benjamin. 

"  Yee'as,  when  Martha's  away." 

"And  who's;  Martha?" 

"  Wlioy  she's  a  widder  woman,  that  lives  a  back  o'  the 
church. — She's  a  son  a-board  a  steamer,  and  she  goes  to 
see  him  whiles." 

"  Your  govemoi-'s  an  apothecary,  I  suppose  by  that 
queer  button,"  observed  Benjamin,  eyeing  Sam's  coat. 
"  Wot  we  call  a  chemist  and  druggist  in  London.  Do 
you  look  after  the  led  and  green  winder  bottles  now  ? 
Crikey,  he  don't  look  as  thoiigh  he  lived  on  physit; 
altogether,  do  he  ? "  added  Benjamin,  turning  to  Bill 
Brown,  the  helper,  amid  tlie  general  laughter  of  the 
company. 

"  My  master's  a  better  man  than  ever  you'll  be,  you 
little  ugly  sinnei',"  replied  Samuel  Strong,  breaking  into 
a  glow,  and  doubling  a  most  sei*viceable-looking  fist  on 
his  knee. 


THE   COCKNEY  WHTPPER-IN  143 

"We've  only  yoiu"  word  for  that,"  replied  Benjamin. 
■'  he  don't  look  like  a  wen-y  good  'un  by  the  way  he  rigs 
you  out.    'Ow  many  slaveys  does  he  keep  ?  " 

"  Slaveys."  replied  Samuel,  "  slaveys,  what  be  they  ?  " 

"  Vy  cook-maids  and  such  like  h'animals — women  in 
general." 

"  Ow.  two — one  to  clean  the  house  and  di-ess  the 
dinner,  t'other  to  milk  the  cows  and  dress  the  childer." 

"  Oh  .  you  'ave  childer,  'ave  yo\i.  in  your  'ouse  ? '' 
exclaimed  Benjamin  in  disgust.  "Well  come,  our's  is 
bad,  but  we've  nothing  to  ekle  (equal)  that.  I  wouldn't 
live  where  there  are  brats  for  no  manner  of  considera- 
tion." 

'•  Yoii've    a    young    Misses,  though,   haven't    you  ? 
inquii-ed  the  aged  post-boy.  adding,  "at  least  there  was 
a  young  lady  came  down  in  the  chay  along  with  the  old 
folk." 

"  That's  the  niece."  replied  Benjamin—"  a  jolly  nice 
gal  she  is  too — often  get  a  tissy  out  of  her— that's  to 
say.  she  don't  give  me  them  herself  exactly,  l)ut  the 
young  men  as  follov.-s  her  do,  so  it  comes  to  the  same 
thing  in  the  end.  She  has  a  couple  of  them  you 
see,  first  one  pays,  and  then  t'other.  Green,  that's 
him  of  Tooley  Street,  gives  shillings  because  he  has 
plenty ;  then  Stoljbs.  wot  lives  near  Borough-bridge, 
gives  half-crowns,  because  lie  hasn't  much.  Then  Stolibs 
is  siich  a  feller  for  kissin'  of  the  gals. — '  Be'have  yourself 
or  I'll  scream,'  I  hears  our  young  lady  say,  as  I'm  a 
listenin'  at  the  door.  'Don't,'  says  he,  kissin'  of  her 
again,  '  you'll  hui-t  your  throat.- let  me  do  it  for  you.' 
Then  to  hfar  our  old  cove  and  Stohbs  talk  about 'unting 
of  an  evening  over  their  drinlc,  you'd  swear  they  were  as 
mad  as  'atters.  They  jump,  and  shout,  and  sing,  and 
talliho  I  till  they  whiles  bring  the  street-keeper  to  make 
them  quiet." 

"  You  had  a  fine  run  t'other  day,  I  hear,"  observed 
Joe,  the  deputy-helper,  in  a  deferentinl  lone  to  Mr. 
Brady. 

"Uncommon  I"  replied  Benjamin.  Khnigj^iiiL-"  >ii>  his 
slioulders  at  i\u'  recollection  of  it,  and  dealing  tlif  \o\\ 
bars  of  the  gi'ate  out  witli  his  toe. 

"They  tell  me  your  old  govei-nor  fntnbli'd  olf."  con- 
tinued Joe,  "  and  lost  liis  'osh." 

"  Werry  like."  replied  Benjamin  with  a  grin,  "he 
generally  does  tnmhle  h'<ifF.  I'm  dashed  if  it  ain't  a 
disgi-ace  to  an  'ohs  to  be  ridden  by  such  a  lubber  I  A 
great  (fat   Vieast !    he's   only    fit    fdi'   a    vater  caniage." 


144  HANBTiEY   CTIOSS 

Haw  !  haw  I  haw  !  haw  !  haw !  haw  !  went  tlio  roar  of 
lan^hter  amon^  the  party;  )i;iw!  h;tw  !  hiiw!  liawlhawl 
pealed  the  second  edition. 

"  He's  a  jjrecious  old  file  tt)o."  i-esnnied  tlie  little 
nrehin,  elated  at  the  popularity  he  was  acqiiirinir,  "  to 
hear  him  talk,  I"ni  blow'd  if  yo\i  wouldn't  think  he'd  ride 
over  an  'ouse,  and  yet  somehoAV  or  other,  he's  never  seen 
after  they  go  away,  unless  it  he  bowling'  along  the  'ard 
road ; — t'other  mornin"  we  had  as  fine  a  iiin  as  evei*  was 
seen,  and  he  wanted  to  give  in  in  the  middle  of  it,  and 
yesterday  he  stood  starin'  like  a  stuck  ing  in  the  wood, 
stead  of  ridin'  to  his  'ounds.  If  I  hadn't  been  as  lively 
as  a  lark,  and  lept  like  a  louse  we  should  never  have 
seen  an  'ound  no  more.  They'd  have  vxin  slap  to  France, 
or  whatever  there  is  on  the  far  side  of  the  hill,  if  the 
world's  made  any  further  that  way.  "Well,  I  rides  and 
rides,  for  miles  and  miles,  as  'ard  as  ever  the  'oss  could 
lay  legs  to  the  ground,  over  everything,  "edges,  ditches, 
gates,  stiles,  rivers,  determined  to  stick  by  'em, — see 
what  a  mug  I've  got  with  rammin'  through  the  briars — 
feels  just  as  if  I'd  had  it  teased  with  a  pair  of  wool-combs  ; 
howsomever,  I  did.  and  I  wouldn't  i)art  comj)any  with 
them,  and  the  consequence  was,  we  killed  the  fox — my 
eyes,  such  a  wopper!  longer  than  that,"  said  he, 
stretching  out  both  his  anns,  "and  as  big  as  a  bull  — 
fierce  as  fury  —flew  at  my  snout — neai-ly  bit  it  ofE — kept 
a  hold  of  him  though — and  worried  his  soul  out — people 
all  pleased — farmei''s  wife  in  pai-ticklar — offered  me  a 
drink  of  milk — axed  for  some  jacky — had  none,  but  gave 
me  whiskey  instead, — Vill  any  man  here  sky  a  copper 
for  a  quartern  of  gin?"  inquired  Benjamin,  looking 
round  the  party.  "  Then  who'll  stand  a  lienny  to  my 
penny,  and  let  me  have  a  first  go  ?  "  No  one  closing 
with  either  of  these  handsome  offers,  Ben  took  up  his 
tops,  looked  at  the  soles,  then  replacing  them  before  the 
fire,  felt  in  his  stable-jacket-pocket,  which  was  lying 
over  his  owt^i  saddle,  and  In'inging  out  a  very  short  dirty 
old  clay-pipe,  he  filled  it  out  of  the  pulilic  tobacco-box 
of  the  saddle-rooDi,  and  very  eomi^lacently  crossing  his 
legs,  proceeded  to  smoke.  Before  he  had  time  to  make 
himself  sick,  the  first  pair  boy  out,  interrupted  him  by 
asking  him  what  became  of  his  master  during  the  nin. 

"  Oh  !  dashed  if  I  know,"  replied  Benjamin,  "  but  that 
reminds  me  of  the  best  of  the  story. — We  killed  our  fox 
you  see.  and  there  were  two  oi-  three  'ossmen  up,  who 
each  took  a  fin  and  I  took  the  tail,  which  I  stuck  through 
my  'oss's  front,  and  gathering  the  dogs,  I  set  off  towards 


THE   COCKisET  WHIPPER-IN  145 

home,  weiTy  well  pleased  mth  all  I  had  done.  Well, 
after  riding  a  very  long  way,  axing  my  way,  for  I  was 
quit«  a  stranger,  I  came  over  a  hill  at  the  back  of  the 
wood,  where  we  started  from,  when  what  should  I  see  in 
the  middle  of  a  big  ploughed  field  but  the  old  'un  him- 
self, and  'unting  of  his  'oss  that  had  got  away  from  him. 
There  was  the  old  file  in  his  old  red  coat  and  top-boots, 
flounderin'  away  among  the  stiff  clay,  with  a  hundred- 
weight of  dii-t  stickin'  to  liis  heels,  gettin'  the  'oss  first 
into  one  comer  and  then  into  anothei-,  and  all  but 
catchin'  hold  of  the  bridle,  when  the  nag  would  shake 
his  head,  as  much  as  to  say,  '  Not  yet,  old  chap,'  and 
trot  ott"  to  the  h'opposite  corner,  the  old  'un  grinnin' 
with  li'anger  and  wexation,  and  followin'  across  the  deep 
wet  ridge  and  fun-ow  in  his  tops,  reg'larly  chuniin'  the 
water  in  them  as  he  went. 

'■  Tlien  the  'oss  would  begin  to  eat.  aud  Jorrocks  would 
take  Bell's  Life  or  The  Field  out  of  his  pocket,  and 
pretend  to  read,  sneaking  nearer  and  nearer  all  the  time. 
When  he  got  a  few  yards  off,  the  'oss  would  stop  and 
look  round,  as  mucli  as  to  say,  '  I  sees  you,  old  cock,'  and 
then  old  J.  would  begin  coxin' — '  Whoay.  my  old  feller, 
who-ay— who-ay,  my  old  bouy,'  (Benjamin  imitating  his 
master's  manner  by  coaxing  the  old  post-boy),  imtil  he 
got  close  at  him  again,  when  the  'oss  would  give  a  half- 
kick  and  a  snort,  and  set  off  again  at  a  quiet  jog-trot  to 
the  far  comer  again,  old  J.  grinnin'  and  wowin' 
wengeance  against  him  as  he  went. 

"  At  last  he  spied  me  a  lookin'  at  hiui  through  the 
high  'edge  near  the  gate  at  the  comer  of  the  field,  and 
cuttin'  across,  he  cried,  '  Here,  Binjimin !  Binjimin,  I 
sayl'  for  I  pretended  not  to  hear  him,  and  was  for 
<;nttin' away,  ■  lend  uie  your  quad  a  minute  tf)  go  and 
••atcli  mine  uj>on  ; '  ho,  accordingly,  I  got  down,  and  up 
he  climbed.  'Let  out  the  stirrups  four  'oles,' .said  he, 
cpiite  consequential.  KhuHling  liimself  into  his  seat; 
'  Vot,  you've  cotched  the  fox  'avc  ye  H  "  said  he,  lookin' 
at  the  brush  danglin'  through  the  'ead  stall.  '  Yes,' 
says  I  t<^)  him.  says  I,  '  we've  rotclicd  him.'  Tlien  vot  do 
you  tliink  says  lie  U>  me!'  Vy.  says  he  to  me,  says  he, 
■  Then  cotch  my 'oss,' and  awiiy  the  old  wagrant  went, 
'osa,  'ounds,  bmsh,  and  all,  tellin'  everybody  he  met  as 
how  he'd  cotclied  the  fox,  and  leavin'  me  to  run  about 
tlie  plouyliod  land  after  his  groat  h.-iirv-lif^l'd  nag.— 
My  tf>j)s  baiiit  ilry  vot  and  never  will.  1  tliink. "  iidded 
Benjaiiiin.  putt  ing  thorn  closer  to  the  fire,  and  giving  it 
ajiotlicr  poke  with  his  toe. 

L 


146  HANDLET  CROSS 

"  What'xi  "osses  does  lie  keep?"  inquired  the  return 
))Ost-boy. 

"  Oh,  precious  rips,  I  assure  you.  and  no  mistake. 
Bless  your  'eart,  our  old  chap  knows  no  more  about  an 
"oss  tluui  an  'oss  knows  about  him,  but  to  hear  him  talk 
— Oh,  Crikey !  doesn't  he  give  them  a  good  character, 
especial  ven  he  vants  to  sell  vun.  He  von't  take  no 
one's  adwice  neither.  Says  I  to  him  t'other  mornin'  as 
he  was  a  feelin'  of  my  'oss's  pins.  '  That  'ere  'oss  would 
be  a  precious  sight  better  if  j^ou'd  l)lister  and  tuni  him 
out  for  the  rinter."  *  Blister  and  turn  him  o\it  for  the 
vinter !  you  little  rascal,'  said  he,  lookin'  as  though  he 
would  eat  me,  '  I'll  cut  off  your  'ead  and  sew  on  a  button, 
if  you  talks  to  me  about  blisterin'.'  Says  I  to  him,  says 
T,  '  You're  a  thorough-bred  old  hidiot  for  talking  as  you 
do,  for  there  isn't  a  grum  in  the  world  *  what  doesn't 
swear  by  blisters  !  '  I'd  blister  a  cork  leg  if  I  had  one," 
added  Benjamin,  "so  would  any  grum.  Blisterin' 
against  the  world,  says  I,  for  everything  except  the 
worms.  Then  it  isn't  his  confoiuided  stupidity  only 
that  one  has  to  deal  with,  but  he's  such  an  unconscion- 
able old  screw  about  feeding  of  his  'osses — always  sees 
every  feed  put  afore  them,  and  if  it  waiii't  for  the 
matter  of  chopped  inions  (onions)  that  I  mixes  with 
their  com,  I  really  should  make  nothing  out  of  my 
stable,  for  the  old  'iin  pays  all  his  own  bills,  and  orders 
his  own  stuff,  and  ven  that's  the  case  those  base 
mechanics  of  tradesmen  never  stand  nothin'  to  no  one." 

"  And  what  do  you  chop  the  onions  for,  Mr.  Ben- 
jamin .^  "  inquired  Samuel  Strong. 

"  Chop  inions  for ! "  exclaimed  Ben,  with  astonish- 
ment. "  and  is  it  possible  that  you've  groAvn  those  gi-eat 
fiery  viskers  on  either  side  of  your  chuckle  head  and 
not  be  hup  to  the  chopped  inion  rig?  My  eyes,  but 
you'll  never  be  able  to  keep  a  gal,  I  think !  Vy,  you 
double-distilled  fool — " 

"  Come,  sir,"  inteiTui^ted  Samuel,  again  doubling  his 
enonnous  fist,  that  would  almost  have  made  a  head  for 
Benjamin,  amid  a  general  roar  of  laughter,  "  keep  a 
clean  tongue  in  your  head,  or  I'll  knock  your  teeth  down 
your  throat." 

"  Oh,  you're  a  man  of  that  description,  are  you !  "  ex- 
claimed Benjamin,  pretending  to  be  in  a  fri^'ht,  ''you 
don't  look  like  a  dentist  either  somehow — poor  hignorant 
hass.     Vy  the    chopped  inion    rig  be  just    this — you 

*  Benjntnin  spoke  truth  there,  for  let  a  jroom  be  ever  60  ignorant, 
he  can  always  recommend  a  blister. 


THE   COCKNEY  WHIPPER-IN  147 

11) list  advance  a  small  brown  out  of  your  own  pocket  to 
buy  an  inion.  and  chop  it  wen-y  small.  Then  s'pose 
yoiu'  chemist  and  di-ufrgrist  chap  gives  his  "oss  four  feeds 
a  day  (vich  I  s'pose  will  be  three  more  nor  he  does),  and 
.sees  the  grain  given,  which  some  wicked  old  warmints 
■^vill  do,  you  take  the  sieve,  and  after  shakin"  the  com, 
and  hissin'  at  it  weU,  just  take  half  a  handful  of  chopped 
inion  out  of  your  jacket  pocket,  as  you  pass  up  to  the 
'oss's  'ead.  and  scatter  it  over  the  who'ats,  then  give  the 
sieve  a  shake,  and  tiu-n  the  whole  into  the  manger. 
The  governor  seeing  it  there,  ^vill  leave,  quite  satisfied 
that  the  "oss  has  had  his  dues,  and  ijerhaps  may  get  you 
oxit  of  the  stable  for  half  an  houi-  or  so,  but  that  makes 
no  odds,  when  you  goes  back  you'll  find  it  all  tliere,  and 
|K)ulterer8  like  it  none  the  worse  for  the  smell  of  the 
inions.  That,  and  pickin'  ofE  postage-stamps,  is  about 
the  only  i)aniuisite  I  has." 

"  Now,  Mr.  Von-eye,"  said  he,  turning  to  Bill  Brown, 
the  one-eyed  helper,  "'  is  it  time  for  my  'osses  to  have 
their  bucket  of  water  and  kick  in  the  ribs  ?  "' 

The  time  for  this  luxurious  repast  not  having  arrived, 
Benjamin  again  composed  himself  in  his  corner  with 
his  jjipe,  and  the  pai-ty  sat  in  mute  astonishment  at  his 
wonderful  precocity. 

The  retm-n  post-boy  (whose  time  was  jjrecious)  at 
length  broke  silence,  by  asking  Benjamin  if  he  was 
living  with  liis  first  master. 

_"L>ced  am  1,""  replied  Ben,  knocking  the  ashes  out  of 
his  pipe,  "and  had  I  known  as  much  of  sarvice  as  I 
does  now,  I'd  have  stayed  at  school  all  my  life-Do 
wJiat  tliey  will  at  school,  they  carn't  make  you  larn.  and 
there's  always  |)lenty  of  jtlaytime.  ('rikey,  "ow  well  I 
iviiK'inhers  the  <lay  ouf  old  cock  kidnajjped  me.  Me 
and  putty-faced  Joe,  and  Peter  Pink-eye  Rogers,  were 
laying  our  heads  t(jgother  how  we  could  sugar  old  mother 
Gibh's  milk,  that's  she  as  keeps  the  haiijile  and  imrjilp- 
siigar-stick  stall  by  the  skittle-gr<)im<l  at  the  Jloyal 
Artilleryman,  on  Pentonville  Hill  ;  veil.  w(!  were  dewising 
how  we  should  manage  to  get  her  to  give  us  tick  for  two 
pennoilh  of  Gibraltar  rock,  when  Mr.  Martin,  the  'ead 
miwter,  and  tail  master  too,  I  may  call  him,  for  ho  did 
all  the  flogging,  came  smiling  in  with  a  fat  stranger  at 
his 'eels,  in  a  hroad-lirimmed  caster,  and  'pssian  boots 
with  tassels,  Wf-ny  much  of  the  cut  of  old  Paul  Pry, 
that  they  used  to  paint  upon  the  'busses  and  pint  i)ots. 
though  I  doesn't  see  no  Paul  Piys  now-a-days. 

"  Well,  this 'ere  chaj)  was  old  .Jorrouks,  and  Ii'up  and 


148  HANDLET   CROSS 

down  the  school  he  went,  lookin'  first  at  one  bye  (boy) 
and  then  at  another,  the  master  all  the  while  hee^ging 
him  on,  jiist  as  the  old  'un  seemed  to  take  a  fancy, 
sweaiino-  they  was  all  the  finest  byes  in  the  school,  just 
as  I've  since  'eard  old  J.  himself  chauntingf  of  his  'osses 
ven  he's  'ad  one  for  to  sell,  but  still  the  old  file  was 
difficult  to  suit — some  were  too  long  in  the  body,  some 
in  the  leg',  others  too  short,  another's  'ead  was  too  big, 
and  one  whose  nose  had  been  flattened  by  a  brick-bat 
from  a  Smithfield  drover's  bye,  didn't  i)lease  him.  Well, 
on  he  went,  h'lip  one  fonn,  down  another,  across  the 
rest,  until  he  got  into  the  middle  of  the  school,  where 
the  byes  sit  face  to  face,  with  their  books  on  their  knees, 
instead  of  havin'  a  desk  afore  them,  and  the  old  cock 
havin'  got  into  the  last  line,  began  h'examining  of  them 
weiTy  closely,  fearin'  he  w^as  not  goin'  for  to  get  siuted. 

" '  Wen-y  rum,  Mr.  Martin,'  said  he,  '  werry  rum,  I've 
been  to  the  kilt  and  bare-legged  school  in  'Atton 
Garding,  the  gi-een  coat  and  yellow  breeches  in  'Ackney, 
the  red  coat  and  blue  vestkits  at  'Olloway.  the  sky-blues 
and  jockey-caps  at  Paddington  Green,  and  found  nothin' 
at  all  to  my  mind ;  must  be  gettin'  out  of  the  breed  of 
nice  little  useful  hoKjs,  I  fear,'  said  he,  and  just  as  he 
said  the  last  words,  he  came  afore  me,  with  his  'ands 
behind  his  back,  and  one  'and  was  open  as  if  he  wanted 
summut,  so  I  spit  in  it. 

"  '  Hooi !  Mr.  Martin,'  roared  he,  jumpin'  round,  '  here's 
a  bo/;y  sjiit  in  my  'and!  the  biggest  gog  wotever  was 
seen !  *  showing  his  mauley  to  Mai-tin  with  it  all  nmnin' 
off ;  and  Mai'tin  seeing  who  was  behind.  weiTy  soon  fixed 
upon  me— 'Ton  little  dii-ty,  disreputable  'bomination.' 
said  he,  seizing  of  me  by  the  collar,  at  least  wot  should 
liavo  been  a  collar,  for  at  the  Corderoy's  they  only  give 
us  those  quaker-like  upright  sort  of  things,  such  as  old 
fiery-face  there,"  looking  at  Samuel  Strong,  "  has  on. 
Says  Mai-tin  to  me,  says  he.  laying  hold  on  me  wen-y 
tight,  'vot  the  deuce  and  old  Davey  do  you  mean  by 
insultin'  a  gen'leman  that  will  be  Lord  Mayor?  Sir,  I'll 
flog  you  Avithin  half  a  barley-corn  of  your  life ! ' 

"'Beg  pardon,  sir;  beg  pardon,  sir,'  I  cried,  'thought 
the  gen'leman  had  a  sore  'and,  and  a  little  hointment  'd 
do  it  good.' 

" '  Haw !  haw !  haw ! '  roared  Jon-ocks.  taking  out  a  i-ed 
cotton  wipe  and  rubbing  his  'and  dry,  '  haw !  haw !  haw ! 
weiTy  good,  Mr.  Mai-tin.  wei-ry  good — promisin'  bo?^y 
that,  I  thinks,  )))-omisin'  bo/?y  tluit.  likes  them  with 
mischief — likes  them  with  mischief,  poopeys  (puppeys) 


THE   COCKNEY  WHIPPER-TN  1-19 

and  lio^^ys— never  g-ood  for  nothin'  unless  they  'are. — 
Don't  yoii  mmd.'  said  lie.  pokin'  Martin  in  the  ribs  with 
his  ^-eat  thick  thnmli.  '  don't  you  mind  Beckford's  story 
"bout  the  pointer  and  the  turkeys  ? '  Martin  didn't,  so 
J.  proceeded  to  tell  it  afore  all  the  school.  '  Ye  see/  said 
he,  'a  ^ent  gave  another  a  pointer  poop,  and  enquiring 
about  it  a  short  time  arter.  the  gent  who  got  it  said  he 
feared  it  wasn't  a  goin"  to  do  him  any  good,  cos  as  how 
it  hacln't  done  him  any  'arm.  But  meetin'  him  again  a 
fortnight  arter,  he  changed  his  tune,  and  thought  v.-ell 
on  him,  for.'  says  he.  "  lie's  killed  me  heighteen  turkeys 
since  1  saw  you— liaw !  haw !  haw !— he !  he !  he ! — ho !  ho  I 
liol '" — a  guffaw  in  which  the  saddle-room  party  joined. 

When  the  laugliter  subsided.  Ben  was  unanimously 
requested  to  cuiitinue  his  naiT.itive. 

''  And  what  did  the  old  gent  say  about  you  ?  "  asked 
Sajn,  expecting  to  hear  that  Ben  got  a  good  thrashing 
for  his  dirty,  disrespectfid  conduct. 

*■  O,  why,"  replied  Ben,  considering — "  O,  why.  arter 
he  had  got  all  quiet  again,  and  his  wipe  put  back  into 
his  pocket,  he  began  handlin'  and  lookin'  at  me,  and 
then,  arter  a  good  examination,  he  says  to  Martin,  quite 
consequential-like—'  'Ow  old's  the  rogue  ? ' 

"  Now  Martin  know'd  no  more  about  me  than  I  know'd 
about  Martin;  liut  knov.'in'  the  h'age  that  Jon-ocks 
wanted  a  bye  of,  wliy.  in  course,  he  said  I  was  just  of 
that  age,  and  knowin"  that  I  should  get  a  precious  good 
hiding  for  spittin'  in  the  old  covey's  'and,  if  1  staid  at 
the  Corderoy's.  why  I  swore  that  I  was  uncommon  fond 
of  'osses.  and  gigs,  and  'araess,  and  such  like,  and  after 
the  old  file  had  felt  mo  well  about  the  neck,  for  lie  liad 
an  ide  that  if  a  ])ye's  big  in  the  neck  in  course  o' time 
he'll  get  big  all  over,  he  took  me  away,  promising  Martin 
the  two  quai-terages  our  old  gal  had  run  in  arrear  for 
my  laming— though  hang  me  I  never  got  none— out  o' 
my  wage,  and  would  ye  believe  it,  the  old  gudgfun  keijt 
me  goin'  on  from  (juarter  to  (|uarter,  f<u-  I  don't  know 
'ow  many  (juarterK.  sayin'  he  hadn't  viped  oil"  tlie  old 
score  for  my  schoolin',  just  as  if  I  had  any  Inisines.s  to 
pay  it;  at  last,  one  day  as  I  was  a  rubl)in'  down  the 
chestnut  'osh  as  lie  sold  to  the  chaj)  in  Tooley  Street,  he 
comes  into  the  stal>li'.  full  of  pi-ide,  and  I  thought  rather 
muzzy,  for  he  bumi)e(l  first  agin  ono  stall  ami  thcu  agin 
another,  so  says  J  to  liiui.  says  I,  '  Please,  sir.  I  vants  for 
to  go  to  the  Veils  this  evening.' 

"'To  the  Veils!'  repeated  he.  staring  with  astonish- 
ment- 'To  the  Veils :-Wot  Veils  I--' 


150  HANDLBY  CROSS 

" '  Bagni<?ge ! '  said  I,  and  that's  a  place.  Mr.  Bacon- 
face,'"  observed  Ben,  turning  to  Samnel  Strong,  "tli.it 
you  shouldn't  be  hung  without  seeing— skittles,  bowls, 
stalls  all  around  the  garding.  like  stables  for  'osses,  where 
parties  take  their  tea  and  XX — all  painted  sky-blue  with 
red  pannels — gals  in  shiny  vite  gowns  and  short  sleeves, 
bare  down  the  neck,  singing  behind  the  h'organ  witli 
h'ostrich  feathers  in  their  'eads— all  beautiful— admission 
tup-pence— a  game  at  skittles  for  a  penna — and  every 
thing  elegant  and  quite  genteel — mustn't  go  in  that 
queer  coat  of  yours  though,  or  they'd  take  you  for  a 
Bedlamite,  and  may  be  send  you  to  the  hulks— queer 
chaps  the  Londoners. — Once  know'd  a  feller,  quite  as 
queer  a  lookin'  dog  as  you,  barrin'  his  nose,  which  was  a 
bit  better,  and  not  so  red.  Well,  he  had  a  i-ummish  cove 
of  a  governor,  who  clapt  him  into  a  niit-brown  suit,  with 
bright  basket  buttons,  and  a  glazed  castor,  with  a  broad 
welwet  band  '  all  round  his  'at,'  and  as  he  was  a  mizzlin' 
along  Gower  Street,  where  his  master  had  just  come  to 
live  from  over  t'other  side  of  the  vater,  vot  should  he 
meet,  but  one  of  the  new  polish  (police),  who  seeing  such 
a  h'object.  insisted  he  was  mad;  and  nothin'  would  sarve 
him,  but  that  he  was  mad ;  and  avay  he  took  him  to  the 
station  'ouse.  and  from  thence,  afore  the  beak,  at  Bow 
Street,  and  nothin"  but  a  sendin'  for  the  master  to  swear 
that  they  were  his  clothes,  and  that  he  considered  them 
livei-y,  saved  the  fellow  from  transportation,  for  if  he'd 
stolen  the  clothes  he  couldn't  have  been  more  galvanized 
than  when  the  new  polish  grabbed  him. 

"  "Well,  but  that  isn't  what  I  was  a  goin'  to  tell  you 
about.  Blow  these  boots,"  said  he.  stooping  down  and 
turning  them  again,  "  they  never  are  goin'  for  to  dry. 
Might  as  well  have  walked  through  the  Serpentine  in 
them.  I  was  goin"  to  tell  you  of  the  flare-up  the  old  'un 
and  I  had  about  the  Veils.  '  Well,'  says  I  to  him,  says 
I.  '  I  vants  for  to  go  the  Yells.' 

"  •  Vot  Veils  ? '  said  he. 

"  '  Bagnigge,'  says  I.  '  Bagnigge  be  d — d,'  said  he. — 
no,  he  didn't  say  '  be  d — d,'  for  the  old  'un  never  swears 
except  he's  h'outrageously  h'angry.  But,  howsomever, 
he  said,  I  shouldn't  go  to  the  Veils,  for  as  'ow,  Mrs. 
Muffin,  and  the  seven  Miss  Muffins,  from  Primrose  Hill, 
were  comin'  to  take  their  scald  with  him  that  evening, 
and  he  vanted  me  to  can-y  the  h'urn,  while  Batsey 
buttered  and  'anded  round  the  bread. 

" '  Well,'  but  says  I  to  him.  says  I.  '  that  don't  h'argufy. 
If  I'm  a  grum,  I'm  a  giiim,  if  I'm  a  butler,  I'm  a  butler, 


THE   COCKNEY  WHIPPEB-IN  151 

Ijut  it's  out  of  all  conscience  and  calkilation  expectin'  a 
man  to  "l>e  hotli  fri'iim  and  butler.  Here  'ave  I  l^een  a 
cleanin'  your  useless  screws  of  bosses,  and  wesliing  yom- 
hugly  chay  till  I'm  fit  to  faint,  in  horder  that  I  might 
have'  a  night  of  enjoyment  to  myself,  and  then  you 
wants  me  to  can-y  vater  to  your  nasty  old  boiler.  A 
man  should  have  double  wage,  'stead  of  none  at  all,  to 
stand  such  vork.' 

'"'Ow  do  you  mean  none  at  all?'  said  he,  grinnin" 
with  anger,  "dosn't  I  pay  youi-  old  mother  a  sovereign 
annually  four  times  a-year  ?  ' 

" '  Vofs  that  to  me  ? '  said  I,  '  my  mother  don't  do  your 
work,  does  she  ? ' 

"  •  Dash  my  vig ! "  said  he,  gettin'  into  a  reglar  blaze. 
'  You  little  ungrateful  "ound,  I'll  dro^\ai  you  in  a  bucket 
of  barley  water.*  and  so  we  got  on  from  bad  to  worse. 
until  he  swore  he'd  start  me,  and  get  another  bo«y  from 
the  Corderoy's. 

'"Quite  unanimous,'  said  I,  'quite  unanimous,  in 
coui-se  you'll  pay  up  my  wages  afore  I  go,  and  that  will 
save  me  the  trovible  of  taking  of  you  to  Hicks  Hall'  At 
the  weiTj'  word.  'Hicks  Hall,'  the  old  gander  turned 
quite  gi-een  and  began  to  soften.  '  Now,  Binjimin,'  said 
he,  "  that's  werry  unkind  o'  you.  If  you  had  the  Hen 
and  Chickens  comin'  to  take  their  pumpaginous  aqua 
(which  he  says  is  French  for  tea  and  coffee)  with  you, 
and  yf)U  wanted  your  boiler  carried,  you'd  think  it  werry 
imkiud  of  Batsey  if  she  wouldn't  give  you  a  lift ! '  Then 
he  read  a  long  lector  about  doing  as  one  would  be  done 
))j,  and  all  that  sort  of  gammon  that  Mai-tin  used  to 
cram  us  with  of  a  Sunday.  Till  at  last  it  ended  in  his 
givin'  me  a  half-crown  to  do  what  ho  wanted,  on  the 
understand  in'  tliat  it  was  none  of  my  vork,  and  I  says 
that  a  chaj)  wot  does  everything  lie's  bid,  like  that 
suckin'  Sampson  there."  eyeing  Samuel  Strong  witli  the 
most  ineffable  contempt,  "is  only  fit  to  be  a  tinker's 
jack-afiH."  Samuel  looked  as  though  he  would  annihilate 
the  boy  as  soon  as  he  made  uj)  liis  mind  whore  to  hit 
him.  and  Br-njamin.  umonscious  of  all  danger,  stooped, 
and  gave  the  ctoni.il  tf)j)8  another  t\ini. 

"We  never  heard  nothin'  of  your  comin'  until  (liree 
days  afore  you  cast  uj)."  observed  Bill  Brown,  with  a 
i)road  grin  on  his  countenance  at  Bpnjnmin's  audacity 
and  Sauiuel's  anger. 

"  It  wern't  w^ny  likely  that  you  should,"  replied  Ben- 
jamin, looking  un.  "for  as  "ow  we  jiadji't  got  our  own 
consent  much   afore  that.     Our  old  cove  is  a  reg'lar 


]r)2  HANDLEY   CROSS 

wovd-and-a-Llow  man.  If  he  does,  he  does,  and  if  he 
don't,  wliy  he  lets  it  ulone.  Give  the  old  'un  his  dvie. 
he's  none  o'  your  talkin'  chaps,  wot's  always  for  doin' 
somethin'  only  they  don't.  He  never  promised  me  a 
cow-hidin'  yet,  but  he  paid  it  with  interest.  As  soon  as 
ever  he  got  the  first  letter,  I  know'd  there  was  somethin' 
good  in  the  wind ;  for  he  gave  me  half  a  pot  of  his  best 
marmeylad,  and  then  a  few  days  after  he  chucked  me  a 
golden  sovereign,  tellin'  me,  go  and  buy  a  pair  of  new 
tops,  or  as  near  new  as  I  could  get  them  for  the  money." 

"  And  what  did  you  pay  for  them  ? "  inquired  both 
post-boys  at  once,  for  the  price  of  top-boots  is  always  an 
interesting  subject  to  a  stable-servant. 

"  Guess ! "  replied  Benjamin,  holding  them  up,  adding, 
"mind,  they  are  nothing  like  now  what  they  were  when 
I  bought  them ;  the  Jew  told  me,  though  it  don't  do  to 
believe  above  half  what  those  gents  tell  you,  that  they 
belonged  to  the  Markiss  of  Castlereagh's  own  tiger,  and 
that  he  had  parted  with  them  because  they  didn't 
wrinkle  in  quite  as  many  folds  as  his  Majesty  wished. 
Here  was  the  fault,"  continiied  Benjamin,  holding  one 
of  the  boots  upon  his  hand  and  pressing  the  top  down- 
wards to  make  it  wi-inkle.  "  Ton  see  it  makes  but  eight 
wrinkles  between  the  top  and  the  'eel,  and  the  Markiss's 
gen'lman  swore  as  how  he  would  never  be  seen  in  a  pair 
wot  didn't  make  nine,  so  he  parted  with  them,  and  as  I 
entered  'Olyvell  Street  from  the  east,  I  spied  them 
'anging  on  the  pegs  at  Levy  Aaron's,  that's  the  first 
Jew  vot  squints  on  the  left  'and  side  of  the  w;iy,  for 
there  are  about  twenty  of  them  in  that  street  with  queer 
eyes. 

" '  Veskit ! '  said  he,  '  vashin'  veskit,  wen-y  sheep ;  half 
nothiu'  in  fact,'  just  as  these  barkers  always  chan. 

'"  No,'  said  I,  passing  on — 'You  don't  s'pose  /wears 
cast-offs ! ' 

" '  Clow  for  shell,'  then  said  he, — '  Bes'h  price,  bes'h 
price.' 

"  '  Nor  to  shell  neither,'  said  T,  mimickin'  of  him.  '  I'll 
swap  my  shoes  for  a  pair  of  tops  if  you  like.' 

"  '  Vot  viil  you  give  in  ?  '  axed  Levy  Aaron. 

" '  Nothin',"  said  I,  deteiinined  to  begin  low  enough. 

" '  Valk  in  then,"  said  he,  quite  purlite,  '  'onour  of 
your  custom's  quite  enough,'  so  in  I  went.  Such  a  shop  ! 
full  o'  veskits  covered  with  gold  and  flowers,  and  lace 
and  coats,  without  end,  with  the  shop  sides,  each  as 
high  as  a  hay-stack,  full  o'  nothin'  but  trousers  and 
livery  breeches. 


THE   COCKNEY  WHirPER-IN  153 

"'Sit  down,  shir,'  said  he.  "anding-  me  a  chair  without 
a  back,  while  his  missis  took  the  loner  stick  from  behind 
the  door  with  a  hook,  and  fished  do-wn  several  pairs  of 
tops.  They  had  all  sorts  and  sizes,  and  all  coloui-s  too. 
Mahogany,  vite,  rose-colour,  painted  vons ;  but  I  kept 
my  eye  on  the  low  pair  I  had  seen  outside,  till  at  last 
MVs.  Levy  Aaron  handed  them  throusxh  the  winder. 
I  pulls  one  on. 

•' '  Uncommon  fit,'  said  Levy  Aaron,  slappin'  the  sole 
to  feel  if  all  my  foot  was  in ;  '  much  better  leg  than  the 
Markiss  o'  Castlereagh's  tiger;  you'll  live  with  a  Duke 
Ijefore  you  die.' 

'■ '  Let's  have  on  t'other."  said  I. 

"  ■  Vou's  as  good  as  both,'  said  he.  '  Oh  ! "  says  I, 
twiggin'  vot  he  was  after,—'  If  you  thinks  I'm  a  man  to 
bolt  with  your  boots,  you'r  mistaken;  so  I  kicked  oft" 
tlie  one  I  had  on,  and  l>id  him  'and  me  my  shoes.'  Well, 
then  he  began  to  bargain—'  Thirty  shillings  and  the 
shoes.'  I  was  weri'y  angry  and  wouldn't  treat.  '  Five- 
and-twenty  shillings  without  the  shoes  then.'  Still_  I 
wouldn't  touch.  '  Give  me  my  castor,'  said  I,  buttonin' 
up  my  pocket  with  a  slap,  and  lookin"  werry  wicious. 
'  You'r  a  nasty  suspicious  old  warmint.'  Then  the  Jew 
Ijegan  to  soften.  '  'Onour  bright,  he  meant  no  offence.' 
'  One  shovereign  tlien  he  vod  take.'  '  Give  me  my 
castor,'  said  I. 

"  '  Good  moi-nin',  Mrs.  Jewaster,'  which  means  female 
Jew.  '  Seventeen  and  sixpence ! '  '  Go  to  the  devil,' 
said  I.  '  Come  tlion,  fifteen  shillin'  and  a  paper  bag  to 
put  them  in.'  'No,'  said  I,  'I'll  give  you  ten.'  'Done,' 
said  he,  and  there  they  are.  A  iiice  polisli  they  had 
when  I  got  tliem,  Vjut  the  jdoughed  land  has  taken  the 
shine  off.  Howsomever,  I  s'pose  tliey'll  toiu-h  uj) 
again  ?  " 

■'  Not  they,"  replied  Bill  Brown,  who  had  been  ex- 
amining one  of  them  very  minutely,  "they  are  made  of 
nothing  but  brown  naper  1 " 

"Brown  jiaper  lie  'anged!"  exclaimed  Bcujamiu. 
"  Your  "oad's  more  like  made  of  brown  i)aper." 

'"Look  there  then  !  "  rejoined  Bill  Brown,  i-unniiig  his 


tlmmb  tlirongli   the  instr-p,  and   diHj)l,iving  tin-   jirown 
paper   tliroiigh    the    lifniid    varnish   with    wl 
been  phintifiilly  smeared. 


"  Haw,  haw,  haw,  haw,  haw,  haw,  haw,"  jjoaled  the 
whole  of  the  saddle-room  party,  in  the  midst  of  wiiich 
Ben  bolted  with  his  brown-pai>er  boots. 


CHAPTER  XVI 

SIK  ABCHEY  DEPBCARDE 

As  yet  our  distinguished  friend  was  in  no  position  for 
taking  tlie  field,  for  tliougli  he  had  got  a  pack  of  hounds 
—such  as  they  were— he  had  neither  huntsman  to  hunt 
them,  nor  horses  for  a  hiintsman  to  ride  if  he  had  one. 
He  was  therefore  in  a  very  unfinished  condition.  Horses, 
however,  are  soon  got,  if  a  man  has  only  money  to  pay 
for  them,  and  a  master  of  hounds  being  clearly  the 
proper  i^erson  to  bviy  all  the  horses  that  other  people 
want  to  sell.  Mr.  Jorrocks  very  soon  had  a  gi-eat  many 
very  handsome  offers  of  that  sort.  Among  others  he 
received  a  stifiish,  jsresenting-his-compliments  note  from 
the  celebrated  gambler.  Sir  Archibald  Depecarde,  of 
Pluckwelle  Park,  and  the  Albany,  London,  stating  that 
he  had  a  vei-y  fine  bay  horse  that  he  modestly  said  was 
too  good  for  his  work,  and  which  he  should  be  glad  to 
see  in  such  good  hands  as  Mr.  Jorrocks's.  Sir  Archey, 
as  many  of  our  readers  doubtless  know— some  perhaps 
to  their  cost— is  a  very  knowing  hand,  always  with  good- 
looking,  if  not  good  horses,  which  he  is  ready  to  bai'ter, 
or  play  for,  or  exchange  in  any  shape  or  way  that  con- 
duces to  business.  His  recherche  little  dinners  in  the 
Albany  are  not  less  famous  for  "  do's "  than  his  more 
extended  hospitality  at  Pluckwelle  Park,  whither  he 
brings  such  of  his  flats  as  require  more  deliberate  pre- 
paration and  treatment  than  the  racket  of  London 
allows.  Now  our  friend  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  though  not 
exactly  swallowing  all  the  butter  that  was  offered  him, 
liad  no  objection  to  see  if  there  was  anything  to  l>e 
made  of  Sir  Archey 's  horse,  so  by  way  of  being  upsides 
with  him  in  dignity,  he  replied  as  follows  :— 

"  M.F.H.  John  Jon-ocks  presents  his  compliments  to 
Sir  Arciiibald  Depecarde,  and  in  reply  to  his  favour  begs 
to  say  that  he  will  take  an  early  hoppoi-tunity  of  dri\dn' 
over  to  Pluckwelle  Park,  to  look  at  his  quadiiiped,  and 


SIR  ARCHEY  DEPECARDE  155 

as  the  M.F.H.  "ears  it  is  a  goodisli  distance  from  Handley 
Cross,  he  will  brincr  his  night-cap  with  him.  for  where  the 
M.F.H.  dines  he  sleeps,  and  where  tlie  M.F.H.  sleeps  he 
breakfasts." 

Sir  Archey  thought  the  answer  rather  cool— especially 
from  a  mere  trad'^sman  to  a  man  of  his  great  self- 
importance,  but  being  of  opinion  that  there  is  no 
account  Ijetween  man  and  man  that  money  wiU  not 
settle,  he  determined  to  square  mutters  with  the  M.F.H. 
by  putting  an  extra  =£5  or  ^10  on  the  horse.  He  there- 
fore resolved  to  pocket  the  affront  and  let  matters  take 
their  chance. 

As  good  as  his  word,  one  afternoon  a  few  days  after, 
oui-  plump  friend  was  seen  na\'igatng  his  vehicle,  drawn 
by  a  Duncan  Nevin  screw,  along  the  sinuosities  of  Sir 
Archibald's  avenue,  in  the  leisurely  way  of  a  gentleman 
eyeing  the  estate,  and  gaining  all  the  information  he 
could  by  the  way,  and  having  an-ived  at  the  Corinthian 
columned  portico,  where  he  was  kept  waiting  longer 
than  he  liked,  he  was  shocked  to  find,  by  tlie  unlocking 
and  unbolting  of  the  door,  that  Sir  Archey  was  "  from 
home"— "just  gone  to  to^\ai  "—(to  look  af t«r a gaml)ling- 
house  in  which  he  had  a  share  on  the  sly). 

"Dash  my  vig!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks.  nearly 
stamping  the  bottom  of  the  vehicle  out  with  his  foot, 
and  thinking  whetlier  it  was  possible  to  tool  Duncan 
Nevin's  hack  back  to  Handley  Cross.  "  ^^^\  "^y  "^''S" ! '" 
repeated  he,  "  didn't  he  know  I  was  a  comin'  ?  " 

"Beg  pardon,  sir,"  replied  the  footman,  rather 
abashed  at  tlie  Jon-ocks  vehemence  (who  he  at  first 
took  for  a  prosjiectus  man  or  an  atlas-uionger).  "  Beg 
pardon,  sir,  Init  I  l^elieve  Mrs.  Markliam,  sir,  has  a 
message  for  you,  sir— if  you'll  allow  me.  sir,  I'll  go  and 
see,  sir." 

"  Go,"  gninted  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  indignant  at  the  slight 
thus  j)ut  on  his  M.F.H. -ship. 

The  footmaTi  presently  returned,  followed  by  a  very 
Hmilintr.  comfly-looking  ])ersoTiagf'.  dressed  in  iJiu-k  wilk, 
with  sky-blue  ribbons  in  lier  jaunty  little  caj)  nnd  collar, 
who  proceeded  in  a  most  voluble  manner  to  exjiress  with 
her  hands,  and  trmgue,  and  eyes.  Sir  Archibald's  regrets 
that  he  had  \>fr>n  suddenly  summoned  tf)  town,  adding 
tliat  he  liad  left  word  that  they  \yere  to  make  the 
exi)e('ted  guest  jls  comfortMblo  ;is  poHsible,  and  show  him 
every  possible  care  and  attention. 

"Ah,  well,  th.'ifs  Huniiuat  like,"  smiled  Mi'.  Jorrocks, 


156  HANOLEY  CROSS 

with  a  jerk  of  his  head,  thinking-  wliat  a  good-looking 
woman  she  was.  In  another  instant  he  was  on  the  top 
step  of  the  entrance  beside  her,  giving  her  soft  hand  a 
sly  squeeze  as  she  prepared  to  help  him  out  of  his 
reversible  coat.  "  Take  the  quad  to  the  stable,"  said  he 
to  the  footman,  "  and  Ind  'em  take  great  care  on  'im  " 
—  adding,  with  a  leer  at  the  lady,  "  gave  a'most  a 'underd 
for  him."  So  saying,  hack-like,  the  horse  was  left  to 
take  its  chance,  while  om-  fat  friend  followed  the  fair 
lady  into  the  lilirary. 

"I'll  have  a  tire  ligjited  directly," observed  she, looking 
round  the  spacious  apartment,  which,  like  many 
l)achelors'  company  rooms,  felt  ])retty  innocent  of  fuel. 

"  Fiddle  the  fire  ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  '•  fiddle 
the  fire !  dessay  you've  got  a  good  'un  in  your  room,— 
I'll  go  there." 

_"  Couldn't  for  the  world,"  whispered  Mrs.  Markham, 
with  a  shake  of  her  head,  glancing  her  large  hazel  eyes 
lovingly  upon  Jon-ocks.  "  What  if  Sir  Archey  should 
hear ! " 

"Oh,  he'll  never  hear,"  rejoined  our  friend  confidently, 

"Wouldn't  he  ?"  retorted  Mrs.  Markham,  "you  don't 
know  what  servants  are  if  you  think  that.  Bless  ye ! 
they  watch  me  just  as  a  cat  watches  a  mouse." 

"  Well,  then,  you  must  come  in  to  me,"  observed  Mr. 
JoiTocks,  adding— "I  can't  be  left  mopin'  alone,  you 
know." 

"It  must  be  after  they've  gone  to  bed,  then,"  whispered 
the  lady. 

A  hurrying  housemaid  now  apijearing  with  a  red  hot 
poker,  Mrs.  Markham  drew  back  and  changed  the 
whispering  conversation  into  an  audible. 

"  And  please  sir,  what  would  you  like  to  'ave  for  dinner. 
sir  ? 

"  Oh,  I  don't  care,"  shrugged  Mr.  JoiTocks ;  "  wot  'ave 
you  got  ?  " 

"  There's  soup,  and  fish,  and  meat,  and  game,  and 
poultry ;  whatever  you  like  to  'ave,  I  dare  say." 

"  Humph,"  mused  Mr.  Jorrocks,  wishing  the  house- 
maid fiu-ther,  •'  I'll  'ave  a  bit  o'  fish,  with  a  beef  steak, 
and  a  fizzant  to  follow,  say — " 

"  No  soup  ?  "  obseiwed  Mrs.  Markham. 

"  No ;  I  doesn't  care  nothin'  'bout  soup,  'less  it's 
turtle,"  replied  he  with  a  toss  of  his  liead. 

"I'm  afraid,  there  is  no  turtle,  sir,"  replied  Mrs. 
Markham,  well  knowing  there  was  not.  "Gravy, 
macaroni,  mulligatawney. 


SIR  ARCHEY  DEPECARDE 


157 


"  No,  jest  fish,  and  steak,  and  fizzaut,"'  i*ejoined  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  "  Cod  and  bolster  sauce,  say— and  p'l-aps  a 
couple  o'  dozen  o'  holsters  to  begin  with, — jest  as  a  whet 
yon  know." 

"Any  streets  .''"  asked  the  lady  significantly. 

"  No,  I'll  "ave  my  sweets  ai-ter,"  winked  Mr.  J.  licking 
his  lips. 


MR.    JOUBOCKH    I!«    OI.OVKa 

"  Open  tart,  apple  fritters,  omelette,  any  thing  of  that 
sort?  continiu'ssbf;  inliuiating  witii  bcr  eye  that  the 
loitering  lioiiHciiiaid  might  lioar  liis  answer.^^ 

"No;  I'll  fill  bun  the  chinks  wi"  cheese,'  replied  Mr. 
.ron-ocks,  stroking  bis  Htoinncb. 

"And  wine?"  asked  the  Injusekeeijer ;  adding,  "the 
l.iitlfr'H  away  with  Sir  Arciiey,  but  I  ave  the  key  (^f  the 
cellar." 


158  HANDLEY  CROSS 

"That's  all  right!"  exckiimed  o\ir  friend,  adding,  "I'll 
drink  his  'ealth  in  a  bottle  of  his  best." 

"  Port  ?  "  asked  Mrs.  Markhani. 

"  Port  in  course,"  replied  Mr.  J.  with  a  hoist  of  his 
eyebrows,  adding,  "  but  mind  I  doesn't  call  the  oldest 
the  best — far  from  it — it's  oftentimes  the  wiist.  No," 
continued  he,  "  give  me  a  good  fruity  wine  ;  a  wine  with 
a  grip  o'  the  gob,  that  leaves  a  mark  on  the  side  o'  the 
glass ;  not  your  weak  woe-lsegone  trash,  that  would  be 
water  if  it  wasn't  wine." 

"P'raps  you'd  like  a  little  champagne  at  dinner," 
sxiggested  Mrs.  Markham. 

"  Champagne,"  repeated  Mr.  Jorrocks  thoughtfully, 
"  Champagne  !  well  I  wouldn't  mind  a  little  chaminigne, 
only  I  wouldn't  like  it  hiced ;  doesn't  want  to  'ave  all 
my  teeth  set  a  chatterin'  i'  my  "ead ;  harn't  got  so  inr 
advanced  in  gentility  as  to  like  my  wine  froze— I'm  a 
Post  Hoffice  i)irectory,  not  a  Peerage  man,"  added  he 
with  a  broad  grin. 

"  Indeed,"  smiled  Mrs.  Markham,  not  exactly  under- 
standing the  simile. 

"  Folks  talk  about  the  different  grades  o'  society," 
oljserved  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  a  smile  and  a  pshaw,  "  but 
arter  all's  said  and  done  there  are  but  two  sorts  o'  folks 
i'  the  world,  Peerage  folks  and  Post  Hoffice  Directoiy 
folks — Peerage  folks,  wot  think  it's  all  right  and  proper 
to  do  their  tailors,  and  Post  Hoffice  Directory  folks  wot 
think  it's  the  greatest  sin  under  the  sun  not  to  pay 
twenty  shillius  i'  the  pund— greatest  sin  under  the  sun 
'cept  kissin'  and  then  tellin',"  added  he,  in  an  under  tone, 
with  a  wink,  as  he  drew  his  hand  across  his  jolly  lips. 

"  Well,  then,  you'll  have  it  iced,"  observed  Mrs.  Mark- 
Jiiim,  in  a  tone  for  the  housemaid  to  hear.  "  Just  a  few 
minutes'  plunge  in  the  pail, — enough  to  dull  the  glass 
p'raps  ?  "  continued  she. 

"  Well,"  mused  our  friend,  "  as  you  are  mistress  o'  the 
revels,  I'll  leave  that  to  you,  and  I  makes  no  doubt," 
added  he,  with  another  sly  squeeze  of  her  soft  hand,  now 
that  the  housemaid's  back  was  turned,  "  I  shall  fare  un- 
common well." 

And  Mrs.  Markham,  seeing  that  the  maid  was  bent  on 
out-staying  her,  sailed  away  witli  a  stately  air,  ordering 
her,  in  a  commanding  tone,  to  "bring  some  wood  to  the 
fire." 

And  Mr.  Jorrocks,  we  need  scarcely  say,  had  a  very 
good  dinner  and  spent  his  evening  very  pleasantly. 


CHAPTER   XVII 


THK   PLUCKWELLE  PRESERVES 


EXT  luoniing,  in 

.  ^-^     .  r  u  jj      accordance    with 

i        6i  1?/  Ii  I  \&  ,    Sir  Archey's  in- 

^  -        ''•'''   '  '    ^''   junctions,  as  Mr. 

Jorrocks  sat  at  a 
capital  breakfast, 
Mr.  Snapshot,  the 
keeper,  sent  to 
know  if  he  woiikl 
please  to  go  out 
shooting,  or 
coursing,  or  rab- 
biting, and  find- 
ing that  the 
covers  were  near 
the  house,  and 
pretty  full  of 
phoasants,  our 
M.I'.H.  tliouglit  he  might  as  well  have  a  "  blaze  among 
Vm  "  before  he  went  home.  Accordingly  he  sought  Sir 
Archey's  dressing-room,  and  boiTOwed  a  pair  of  his  best 
tliick  shoos  and  Icatlier  gaiters,  which,  witli  a  fustian 
coat  of  the  koepor's,  made  him  pretty  perfect,  and  tlie 
stables  l>eing  in  the  way  to  the  kennels,  he  thought  lie 
might  as  well  see  how  his  hack  was,  and  look  at  his 
proposed  nurchase.  Accordingly,  preceded  by  Mr. 
Snapsliot,  lie  pa.s8cd  through  a  lofty,  dcsei-ted-looking, 
cobw(;bby,  t'li-stallod  stiible,  with  a  two-stalled  one 
beyond,  in  which  were  a  couple  of  Hhnoting  iiouics,  of 
which  Mr.  Snapshot  spoke  approvingly;  tlion  crossing 
the  central  passage,  they  traversed  another  two-stall, 
and  entered  upon  a  somewhat  better  conditioned  corre- 
sjjonding  stable  to  the  ten. 

First  there  stood  Mr.  Joirocks's  hundred-guinea  horse, 
wifii  a  wiotclicd  f)M  rag  of  a  nig  over  it,  tlien  a  jtiiir  of 
Ijctter-clothed  browns  that  Suajjshot  alluded  to  as '"  our 


160  HA.NDLEY   CROSS 

'cage  'orses";  then,  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  'ipssed  on  to  a 
brisrht  bang-tailed  bay  beyond,  thinking  that  woidd  be 
his  friend,  Snapshot  seized  him  suddenly  by  the  arm, 
with  a  "  take  care  of  "am,  sir !  take  care ! — He'll  kick  ye 
to  a  certainty !  " 

"  Wot,  he's  wicious.  is  he  ? "  observed  Mr.  Jon-ocks 
coolly,  eyeing  the  now  Avell  laid-back  ears  and  exuberant 
white  of  the  eye. 

"  Most  vicious  Ijnite  alive ! '"  i-eplied  Mr.  Snapshot. 
"  If  he  was  to  get  you  oft",  he'd  stand  considerin'  whether 
he  should  kick  out  your  right  eye  or  your  left.'' 

"/«-deed,"  mused  Mr.  JoiTOcks — "ijleasant  'oss  to 
'ave." 

"  "We're  expectin'  an  old  gent  from  Handley  Cross  to 
look  at  'ini."  observed  the  keeper,  "but  I  think  he'll  have 
to  be  crazier  than  they  say  he  is  afore  he  buys  'im." 

"  I  think  so  too,"'  assented  Mr.  JoiTOcks — stumiiing  on 
out  of  heels'  reach. 

They  then  got  the  dogs  out  of  the  kennel,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  the  pheasants. 

Mr.  Jon-ocks,  being  out  of  practice,  did  not  make 
much  of  a  hand  at  first,  which,  coupled  with  the  in- 
junctions all  the  servants  were  under  to  make  the 
stranger  as  comfortable  as  possible,  induced  Snapshot 
to  take  him  to  the  home  cover,  when  the  pheasants 
rising  in  clouds  and  the  hares  streaming  out  like  sand 
ropes,  om-  worthy  friend  very  soon  bagged  his  five  brace 
of  pheasants  and  three  hares.  Snapshot,  now  thinking 
"tipping  time"  was  come,  and  feeling  for  his  pheasants, 
proposed  a  truce,  when  Mr.  Jorrocks,  handing  him  the 
gun.  picked  out  tlu'ee  brace  of  the  best  birds,  with  which 
he  trudged  away,  leaving  the  astonished  Snapshot  to 
follow  with  the  rest.  Hares  he  wouldn't  take,  thinking 
bis  riotous  hoimds  would  kill  him  plenty  of  them.  He 
then  very  coolly  locked  the  pheasants  up  in  his  vehicle, 
and  ordering  the  horse  to  be  i)ut-to,  was  ready  for  a 
fjtart  by  the  time  it  came  to  the  door.  With  a  loving 
leave-taking  of  Mrs.  Markham,  he  was  jjresently  in  his 
rattle-trap  and  away.  A  favourable  road  incline  with 
the  horse's  head  towards  home,  sent  the  hundred-guinea 
nag  along,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  began  to  think  it  "  wasn't 
so  bad  as  it  seemed." 

As  he  neared  the  last  unlodged  gates  in  Sir  Archey's 
grounds,  he  saw  another  vehicle  approaching,  and  each 
driver  thinking  to  get  the  other  to  open  the  gate,  they 
timed  themselves  so  as  to  meet  with  it  between  them. 

"  Sky  ye  a  copper  who  opens  it !  "  at  length  exclaimed 


THE   PLUCKWELLE   PRESERVES  161 

Mr.  JoiTOcks,  after  a  good  stare  at  his  mucli  muffled  up 
na-a-rin. 

"  'Eads  or  tails  ?  "  continued  he,  producing  a  half • 
crowTi  piece — "  "Eads  I  win  !  tails  j'oii  lose  ! "' 

"  Heads ! ""  cried  the  stranger. 

"  It's  tails  1 ''  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  pretending  to  look 
at  it,  "  so  you  opens  it." 

The  youth  then  got  out  and  did  so. 

"  Prop  it  hopen !  prop  it  hopen ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Joi*- 
roeks,  adding,  "  there  am't  no  cattle  in  either  field,  and 
it  may  as  well  stand  that  way  as  not." 

The  gentleman  did  as  he  was  bid,  drawing  his  vehicle 
— a  GeiTuan  waggon  with  three  crests  (very  symptomatic 
of  money)— alongside  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's. 

*■  You'll  be  agoin'  to  Sir  Harchey's.  I  guess,"'  observed 
Mr.  Jorrocks.  after  scrutinizing  his  fut,  vacant  face 
intently. 

"  I  am,"'  replied  the  stranger. 

"  Well.  I'm  jest  a  comin'  from  there,"  continued  our 
friend,  stroking  his  chin  complacently,  thinking  of  the 
pheasants  and  the  f im  he  had  nad. 

"  Indeed,"  smiled  the  gentleman. 

"He's  not  at  'ome,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"  At  home  to  7«e,"  replied  the  stranger,  with  a  nian-of- 
the-house  soi-t  of  air. 

"  Humph,"  mused  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  adding,  after  a  pause, 
— "  Well,  now  V)low  me  tight,  I  8houldn"t  be  at  all 
8"pri8ed,  if  theyre  Ijeen  a  takin'  o'  me  for  you.  Thoiight 
they  were  sweeter  upon  me  than  a  mere  'oss-ilealin'  case 
required,  unless  indeed  they  took  me  for  a  most  egregius 
Jolni  Ass."' 

" Hoije  tliey'vo  used  you  well,"  observed  the  stranger. 

"  Capital."  replied  Mr.  JoiTocks,  "  and  if  it  wasnt  that 
I  ave  a  "ticklar  engagement,  I  wouldnt  mind  returnin' 
and  spendin'  the  even  in'  with  you.  Indepeiulent  of  a 
caj^ital  dinner,  I  had  just  as  good  a  drink  as  man  need 
wisli  for.  A'most  two  bottlfs  of  undenialiln  blaik  stniji. 
l>CHide8  et  cet«'ra«,  and  n<i  moi-e  eadacln,'  than  the  croii 
o'  my  w'iji." 

"Indeed,"  obsei'ved  the  stninger,  thijiking  he  was 
lucky  to  escape  such  a  sand-liag. 

"Tnie,  I  assure  you,"  affinned  JoiTocks-  "sliouldn't 
know  that  Id  taken  more  nor  my  usmil  quantity;  shot 
;i.s  w*-]l  as  ever  I  did  i'  my  life  this  iiioniin',  and  alto- 
gether I'm  unconmion  pleiisod  with  my  jaunt,  and  that 
reminds  me,"  continued  lie,  Hourishing  liis  wliij)  bag- 
iiiiin-i-cally  ov('r  his  lit'a<l,  and  thinking  how  lie  liad  got 

M 


162  HANDLEY  CROSS 

to  the  windward  of  Sir  Archey,  "  yoxi  can  do  siimiuat 
for  nie — I'm  Mr.  Jorrocks,  the  M.r.H.—you'll  most 
likely  have  'eard  o'  me — I  'unts  the  country.  Well,  I've 
been  to  look  at  an  'oss  of  Sir  Hai-chey's — a  werry  nice 
h'animal  he  is,  bnt  'ardly  hnp  to  my  weight — I'm  a  six- 
teen stunner,  you  see.  'Ave  the  goodness  to  make  my 
compliments  to  Sir  Harchey,  and  tell  'im  I'm  weri-y 
much  'bliged  by  his  purlite  hofEer  on  'im,  and  that  I'm 
weiTy  sorry  he  wasn't  at  'ome,  so  that  I  might  'ave  'ad 
the  pleasure  o'  makin*  his  personal  'quaintance,  as  well 
as  that  of  his  Port;  "  so  saying,  Mr.  JoiTocks  shoi-tened 
liis  hold  of  the  reins,  and  dropping  the  point  of  his  whip 
scientifically  into  the  Handley  Cross  hack,  bowed  to  his 
friend,  and  liowled  away  homewards. 

And  when  Sir  Archey  returned,  and  found  the  indig- 
nities that  had  been  put  upon  him,  he  was  exceeding 
^vl•ath,  and  vowed  vengeance  against  the  grocer. 


CHAPTER  XVlll 

A     SPORTING     LECTOR 

Fur  some  days  after  Mr.  Jorrocks's  return  from  Pluck- 
welle  Park,  Diaua  Lodge  was  literally  besieged  with 
l>eople,  ottering  him  horses  of  every  sort,  size,  and 
description.  A  man  "wanting  a  horse"  -  and,  cwwfonnd 
it  I  some  people  are  always  "  wanting ""  them,  and  never 
buy, — a  man  "  wanting  a  horse,"  we  say,  is  always  an 
object  of  interest  to  the  idle  and  unemployed,  looking 
out  for  horses  for  other  people;  and  Handley  Cross 
Ijeing  as  idle  a  i^lace  as  any,  everybody  seemed  l)ent 
upon  i)rooagating  the  great  M.F.H."s  wants.  Even  tlie 
ladies,  who  don't  generally  bestir  themselves  in  such 
matters,  seemed  smitten  with  the  mania;  and  a  liorse 
being  a  horse  with  them,  the  curiosities  their  incjuiries 
produced  were  very  amusing.  The  horses  that  came 
were  of  all  prices,  from  a  hundred  guineas  down  to 
thirty  shillings;  indeed,  Mrs.  Pearlash,  the  laundress, 
intimated  that  she  miijlil  take  "  rayther  "  less  than  tliirty 
for  her  old  woe-Vjegone  wliite  liosinante.  Our  worthy 
M.F.H.  was  indebted  to  his  wife  for  tlie  oft'er  of  it;  Mrs. 
Jorrocks  making  the  subject  of  "osses"  one  of  her 
standing  topics  of  conversation,  as  well  with  her  visitors 
as  to  all  those  with  whom  she  came  in  contact.  Having 
casually  mentioned  lier  great  sport ing-.spouses  wants  to 
Mrs.  Pearlash,  that  useful  functionary,  sticking  Iter 
lists  in  her  sides,  for  the  purjiose  of  revolving  the 
matter  in  her  mind,  said,  "  Well,  now,  slie  didn't  know 
but  they  iniijlil  pinl  with  tlieir  liorsf.  an<I  sliiiM  a.sk  hfr 
old  man;"  wlio  rea<lily  assented  to  tlie  sal<'  of  an  animal 
that  could  hardly  crawl.  Jorrocks  was  highly  indignant 
when  it  came,  and  desired  Mrs.  J.  not  to  meddle  with 
matters  she  didn't  understand. 

Ml'.  J(jrrocks,  on  his  i)art,  haviny  about  satisfied  liiui- 
solf  that  hunting  a  pack  of  hounds  was  a  very  ililVerent 
thing  to  riding  after  them,  as  near  to  them  or  as  far  olf 
as  he  liked,  repelled  all  iuipiiries  as  Uj  when  he  W(;uld  be 


164  HANDLEY  CROSS 

going  out  again,  and  when  lie  woiild  begin  to  advertise, 
by  saying,  mysteriously,  "tliat  he  must  get  things  a 
little  forwarder  fnst."  The  fact  was,  he  wanted  to  pick 
np  a  huntsman  at  whip's  wages,  and  had  wi-itten  to 
sundry  friends  in  the  City  and  elsewhere,  describing 
what  he  wanted,  and  intimating  that  the  whip  might 
occasionally  have  to  "  "luit  the  'ounds  when  he  was  away, 
or  anything  of  that  sort."  His  City  friends,  who  didn't 
approve  of  his  proceedings,  and,  moreover,  had  plenty 
of  other  matters  to  attend  to  of  their  own,  gave  his 
letters  very  little  heed,  if  indeed  they  took  any  notice  of 
them  at  all.  Some  of  his  old  cronies  shook  their  heads, 
and  said  they  "wished  any  good  might  come  of  it;" 
while  others  said  "  he'd  much  better  have  stuck  to  his 
shop ; "  adding  a  wish  that  things  might  continue 
"  serene  "  in  the  "  lane." 

Altogether  Jorrocks's  proceedings  were  not  approved 
of  in  the  commercial  world,  where  hunting  and  gambling 
are  often  considered  synonymous.  He,  however,  was  all 
swagger  and  cock-a-hoop,  vowing  that  he  had  got  "the 
best  pack  of  'ounds  in  the  world ; "  adding,  that  "  they 
would  make  the  foxes  cry  '  Capevi ! ' " 

Belinda's  beaiity  and  unaffected  manners  drew  Mrs. 
Jorrocks  plenty  of  callers,  who  soon  found  herself  a 
much  gi-eater  woman  at  Handley  Cross  than  she  was  in 
Great  Coram  Street. 

Belinda  might  have  had  an  offer  every  day  in  the 
week,  ])ut  somehow  the  suitors  never  could  get  the  old 
girl  out  of  the  room — an  error  into  which  ladies  who 
trade  in  beauty  other  than  that  of  their  own  daughters, 
are  very  apt  to  fall.  Mrs.  Jorrocks  wouldn't  admit  that 
she  was  in  any  ways  indebted  to  Belinda  for  her  com- 
pany, and  of  course  sat  to  receive  her  own  guests.  Not 
that  Belinda  wanted  any  of  their  offers;  for,  as  Ben 
intimated,  she  had  a  young  chap  in  her  eye,  who  will 
shortly  api:)ear  in  our  pages;  but  Mrs.  Jon-ocks,  like  a 
skilful  old  mouser  as  she  was,  did  not  let  that  out. 

So  Belinda  was  talked  of,  and  toasted,  and  toasted, 
and  talked  of,  and  "  set  out "  for  no  end  of  jieople.  The 
JoiTocks's  funds  rose  ten  per  cent,  at  least  from  having 
her,  and  the  Baniington  ones  were  depressed  to  a  similar 
extent. 

Our  great  M.F.H.  not  finding  any  responses  to  his 
inquii'ies  for  a  whijD,  and  being  di-eadfully  anxious  to 
be  doing,  re.?olved  to  make  known  his  wants  through  tlie 
laedium  of  the  newspapers ;  and  while  his  bold  adver- 
tisement for  a  "huntsman"  (not  a  whip  who  could  'unt 


%^i 


^ 


.>^ 


A   SPOETINO   LECTOR 


165 


.(>;"> 


the  *ounds  occasionally)  wus  working",  lie  betliouo-ht  him, 
instead  of  exposing  his  incompetence  as  a  huntsman,  to 
display  his  sporting  knowledge  in  a  lectm-e,  in  Avhich  he 
could  also  incxdcate  the  precepts  he  wished  practised 
towards  himself,  both  at  home  and  in  the  field. 

Accordingly,  he  enlisted  the  assistance  of  Captain 
Dolefid,  to  whose  i^rovince  such  arrangements  seemed 
Ijecidiarly  to  belong,  and  the  large  room  of  the  "Dragon" 
was  engaged  and  tastefidly  fitted  up  under  their  joint 
supei-intendence.  A  temporary  platform  was  placed  at 
the  far  end,  surmounted  by  a  canopy  of  scarlet  cloth, 
tastefully  looped  up  in  the  centre  with  an  eml)leuuitical 
sporting  device,  formed  of  a  hunting-cap.  a  pair  of 
leather  breeches,  a  boot-jack,  and  three  foxes'  bnishes. 
Inside  the  canopy  was  suspended  a  green-shaded  lamp, 
throwing  a  strong  light 
upon  the  party  below, 
and  the  room  was  bril- 
liantly lighted  with 
wax  both  from  the. 
chandeliers  and  reflect- 
ing-miiTors  against  the 
wall.  The  doors  were 
besieged  long  before 
the  ajjpointed  liour  for 
commencing,  and  ere 
the  worthy  lecturer 
made  liis  appearance 
there  was  not  standing 

I'oom  to  be  had  in  any  ~~^ — =*"'" 

l^ai-t.     The  orchestra  was  also  full,  and  in  it  "  we  observe<l 
many  elegantly  dressed  ladies."  as  the  reporters  say. 

Precisely  at  eight  o'clock  Mr.  Jorrocks  ascended  the 
jjlatfonn,  attended  by  Caijtain  Doleful,  Roger  Swizzle. 
Komeo  SimjikiuH.and  Abel  Snorem.and  was  received  with 
the  most  enthusiastic  clieering.  He  wore  the  full-dress 
unifonn  of  the  hunt;  sky-blue  coat  lined  with  pink  silk, 
canai-y  coloured  sliorts,  and  white  silk  st(jckings.  His 
neckcloth  and  waistcoat  were  white,  and  a  finely  plaited 
shirt-frill  protruded  tlirough  the  s(;md-u|)  collar  of  the 
latter.  Bunches  of  white  i-jblion  <laiigle<l  at  liis  knees. 
In  his  hand  he  held  a  roll  of  notes,  while  some  books  of 
reference  and  a  tumbler  of  jbrandy  and  water,  were 
placed  by  Benjamin  on  a  table  at  the  back  of  the 
platfonn.  Benjamin  had  f)n  his  new  red  frock  wit  li  blue 
collar,  cord  breeclie:-',  ami  white  Ktuckings. 

After  bowing  most  familiarly  to  the  company.  Air. 


Ifin  HANDLEY   CROSS 

JoiTOcks  cleared  his  voice  with  a  substantial  hem.  and 
then  addressed  the  meeting'. 

"  Beloved  'earers !  beloved  I  may  call  you,  for  though 
I  have  not  the  pleasure  of  knowin'  many  of  you,  I  hope 
weiTy  soon  to  make  your  intimate  acquaintance. 
Beloved  'earers,  I  say,  I  have  come  'ere  this  evenin'  for 
the  double  ])urpose  of  seeinac  you,  and  instructin'  of  yo\i 
on  those  matters  that  have  brought  me  to  this  your 
beautiful  and  salubrisome  town.  (Cheers.)  Beautiful  I 
may  call  it,  for  its  architectiiral  proportions  are  grand, 
and  salubrisome  it  must  lie  when  it  boasts  so  many 
cheerful,  wigorous  countenances  as  I  now  see  gathered 
around  me.  (Loud  applause.)  And  if  by  my  comin',  I 
shall  spread  the  great  light  of  sportin'  knowledge,  and 
enable  you  to  perserve  those  glowin'  mugs  when  far 
removed  from  these  waters,  then  shall  I  be  a  better 
doctor  than  either  Swizzle  or  Sebastian,  and  the  day 
that  drew  John  JoiTocks  from  the  sugars  of  I'etirement 
in  Great  Coram  Street  will  hencef  oi"th  remain  red-lettered 
in  the  mental  calendar  of  his  existence.  (Loud  cheers.) 
Red  lettered  did  I  say  ?  Ah !  wot  a  joyous  colour  to 
denote  a  great  and  glorious  ewent !  Believe  me  there  is 
no  colour  like  red — no  sport  like  'unting. 

"  Blue  coats  and  canaries,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks 
looking  dowTi  at  his  legs,  "  are  well  enough  for  dancin' 
in,  but  the  man  wot  does  much  dancin'  will  not  do  much 
'unting.  But  to  business — Lectorin'  is  all  the  go — and 
why  should  sportin'  be  excluded  ?  Is  it  because  sportin' 
is  its  own  champion  ?  Away  with  the  idea !  Are  there 
no  pints  on  which  grey  experience  can  show  the  beacon 
lights  to  'ot  youth  and  indiscretion?  Assuredly  there 
are  !  Full  then  of  hardour — full  of  keenness,  one  pure 
concentrated  essence  of  'unting,  John  Jorrocks  comes  to 
enlighten  all  men  capable  of  instiniction  on  pints  that 
all  wish  to  be  considered  conversant  with. 

"  Well  did  that  great  man,  I  think  it  was  Walter 
Scott,  but  if  it  war'nt,  'twas  little  Bartley,  the  boot- 
maker, say,  that  there  was  no  young  man  wot  would  not 
rather  have  a  himputation  on  his  morality  that  on  his 
'ossmanship,  and  yet,  how  few  there  are  wot  really  know 
anything  about  the  matter  !  Oh,  but  if  hignorance  be 
bliss  'ow  'appy  must  they  be !  (Loud  cheers  and 
laughter.) 

■■  "Unting  is  the  sport  of  kings,  the  image  of  war 
without  its  guilt,  and  only  five-and-twenty  per  cent,  of 
its  danger !  In  that  word,  '  'unting,'  what  a  ramification 
of  knowledge  is  compressed !     The  choice  of  an  'oss — the 


A   SPORTING  LECTOR  167 

treatment  of  him  when  orot — the  groomin*  at  home,  the 
i-idin"  abroad — tlie  hoots,  the  breeches,  the  saddle,  the 
bridle,  the  'oiind,  the  "imtsman,  the  feeder,  the  Fox! 
Oil.  how  that  beantifnl  word.  Fox,  gladdens  my  "eart, 
and  wamis  the  declinin"  embers  of  my  age.  (Cheers.) 
The  'oss  and  the  "oimd  were  made  for  each  other,  and 
natur  tkrew  in  tlie  Fox  as  a  connectin'  link  between  the 
two.  (Lond  cheers.)  He's  perfect  symmetry,  and  my 
affection  for  him,  is  a  perfect  paradox.  In  the  summer 
I  loves  him  with  all  hardour  of  aft'ection ;  not  an  'air  of 
liis  beautif  id  'ead  would  I  hurt ;  the  sight  of  him  is  more 
jrlorious  nor  the  Lord  Mayor's  show !  but  when  the 
haiitumn  comes— when  the  bro\\'nin'  copse  and  cracklin' 
stubble  proclaim  the  fanner's  fears  are  past,  then,  dash 
my  vig,  'ov:  I  glories  in  pursuing  of  him  to  destruc- 
tion, and  holdin'  him  above  the  bayin'  pack !  (Loud 
cheers.) 

"  And  yet."  added  Mr.  Jorrocks  thoughtfully.  "  it  ar'nt 
that  I  loves  the  fox  less,  but  that  I  loves  the  'ound  more, 
as  the  chap  says  in  the  play,  when  he  sticks  his  friend 
in  the  gizzard.     (Roai-s  of  laughter  and  applause.) 

■'  The  'oss  loves  the  'ound.  and  I  loves  both ;  and  it  is 
that  love  wot  brings  me  to  these  parts,  to  follow  the  all- 
glorious  callin'  of  the  chase,  and  to  enlighten  all  men 
capable  of  illumination.  To-night  I  shall  insti'uct  you 
with  a  lecture  on  dcalin'. 

" '  O  who  shall  counsel  a  man  in  the  choice  of  a  wife  or 
an  'oss  ? '  asked  that  inspired  writer,  the  renowned 
Johnny  Lawrence.  '  The  buyer  has  need  of  a  Inmdred 
eyes,  the  seller  of  Init  one,'  says  another  equestrian 
conjuror.  Who  can  take  ujj  an  'oss  book  and  read  'bout 
splints,  and  spavins,  and  stringalts,  and  corns,  and 
cuttin',  and  farcy,  and  drojfsy.  and  fever,  and  tiirushes, 
and  grea.se,  and  griiies,  and  mallenders,  and  sallenders, 
and  ring-bones,  and  roarin',  etcetera,  etceterorem,  with- 
out a  shudder  lest  sucli  a  complication  of  evils  should 
fall  U)  his  lot  ?  VVlio  can  cxj^ect  a  jx-rfpct  "oss.  when  Ik; 
sees  wliat  an  infinity  of  liills  they  are  heirs  to  ?  I  liopes 
I  haven't  come  to  'Andiey  Cross  to  inform  none  on  you 
wliat  an  oss  is,  nor  to  explain  that  its  comiionent  parts 
are  four  lege,  a  back-bone,  an  'ead,  a  neck,  a  tail,  and 
otiier  etceteras,  too  numerous  to  insert  in  an  'and-liill,  as 
old  Georgy  Robins  used  to  say. 

"  "Eavens,  wot  a  lot  of  rubliish  h;iH  Ix-r-n  writt^-n  about 
'osaes ! "  continued  the  worthy  lecturer,  casting  up  his 
eyes. 

"  T  took  a  fnt  nilc  t'other  night  and  moasurod  (AY  n 


1()8  TTANDLEY   OUOSS 

wliole  yard  and  an  'arf  of  real  downright  'ard  printin' 
on  the  siuf^le  word  'oss  ;  each  succeedin'  writer  sniibbin' 
the  last,  swearin"  he  know'd  nothin',  until  one  would 
expect  to  arrive  at  the  i^rand  climax  of  hignorance, 
instead  of  gleaning  wisdom  as  one  went.  There  was 
Baitlet,  and  Bracken,  and  Gibson,  and  Griffiths,  and 
Taplin,  and  Stewai-t,  and  Yoiiatt,  and  'Ands,  and  Law- 
rence, and  Wite,  and  Percival,  and  Hosmer,  and  Peters, 
and  Anonymous  by  'Ookem,  and  Wilkinson  on  Lock- 
jaw, and  Colman.  and  Sewell,  and  Happerley,  and 
Caveat  Emptier,  all  snubbin'  each  other  like  so  many 
snobs. 

"  Away  with  them  all,  say  I ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
throwing  out  his  hands,  to  the  imminent  danger  of  his 
supporters  i-ight  and  left.  "  Away  with  them  all !  Away 
with  all  such  rubbish,  say  I !  John  JoiTOcks  is  the  only 
real  enlightened  sapient  sportsman ;  and  'ere,  'ere  from 
this  lofty  heminence  I  hurls  defiance  at  the  whole  tribe 
of  word-manglin',  grammar-stranglin'.  cotation-crammin' 
cocks  !  bids  them  to  a  grand  tilt  or  tournament  of  jaw, 
where  hevery  man  may  do  his  best,  and  I"ll  make  mince- 
meat of  them  aU — catermauchously  chaw  them  up,  as 
the  Americans  say.     (Loud  cheers.) 

"  But,  gently,  old  bony,"  continiied  he  to  himself,  "  yoii 
mustn't  be  too  'ard  on  the  fools,  or  you'll  kill  'em  out- 
right ;  curb  your  wehemence  a  little ;  come,  I'll  give  you 
a  drop  of  brandy  and  water ;  "  saying  which,  Mi-.  Jor- 
rocks retired  to  the  back  of  the  platform,  and  took  such 
a  swig  at  the  tumblei",  as  left  nothing,  as  he  observed, 
to  "caiTy  over." 

Presently  he  returned,  smacking  his  lips,  and  resumed 
in  a  more  conipose<l  tone  as  follows : — "  Talkin'  about 
writers,"  said  he,  "  the  best  infoi-med  man  to  my  mind 
wot  ever  wi*ote  on  equestrian  matters  was  Mr.  Garni  )ado, 
who  held  the  distinguished  post  of  ridin'-master  to  the 
Doge  of  Wenice.  Hosmer  may  be  more  learned,  and 
Happerley  moi-e  latiney,  but  for  real  downright  shrewd 
hobserwation,  the  Doge's  man  flogs  all  t'others,  as  the 
Kentucky  boy  said.  Most  \vi'iters  go  out  of  their  way 
to  bring  in  summat  wot  does  not  belong  to  the  subject, 
but  Gambado  sticks  to  his  text  like  a  leech.  Hosmer, 
for  instance,  tells  us  that  a  hostrich  can  outstrip  an  "oss, 
but  what  juatter  does  that  n)ake,  seein'  that  no  one 
would  like  to  go  cuttin'  across  country  on  a  hostrich 
that  could  get  an  'oss.  Another  tells  us  how  many 
'osses  Xerxes  had  in  his  anny  after  he  passed  the 
Hellespont,  Ijut  it  would  have   been  far  more  to  the 


A   SPORTINO   LECTOR  169 

piu-pose  to  have  told  us  how  many  Masou  or  Bartley 
Ijou^ht  at  the  last  "Onicastle  fair. 

"  Still  I  don't  mean  to  say  that  G-ambado  was  all  ovei- 
right,  for  there  are  points  upon  which  the  Doge's  man 
and  I  differ,  though  fashion,  in  com-se,  has  altered 
things  since  his  time.  He  wi-ites  upon  'osses  in  general, 
and  says  little  about  those  for  cai-ryin'  a  scarlet,  withoxit 
bringin'  it  to  shame,  which  is  wot  we  most  want  in- 
fonuation  upon.  Some  of  his  positions  too  are  bad. 
For  instance,  talkin'  of  eyes,  he  says,  some  people  make 
a  great  bother  about  an  'oss's  eyes,  jest  as  if  they  have 
anything  to  do  with  his  haction,  and  Geoffrey  says,  that 
if  a  man  chooses  to  ride  without  a  bridle  it  may  be 
matter  of  moment  to  him  to  have  an  'oss  with  an  eye  or 
two,  but  that  if  he  has  a  bridle,  and  also  a  pair  of  eyes  of 
his  own,  it  is  p«rfect//>  immaterial  whether  the  'oss  sees 
or  not.  Now,  from  this,  I  thinks  we  may  infer  that  the 
Doge  either  did  not  keep  'ounds,  or  that  the  country  he 
'unted  was  flat  and  unenclosed,  otherwise  Gambado 
woidd  certainlie  have  felt  the  inconwenience  of  ridin'  a 
blind  'un.  Indeed,  I  almost  think,  from  his  declining 
the  Rev.  Mr.  Nutmeg's  offer  of  a  mount,  on  his  brow^l 
'oss,  that  Mr.  Gambado  either  was  not  a  sportsman,  or 
liad  airived  at  a  time  of  life  when  the  exertion  of  'unting 
was  too  great  for  him. 

"  The  case  was  this,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  taking 
up  the  work,  "  and  the  advice  is  as  good  now  as  it  was 
tlien.  Nutmeg  says,  in  his  letter  to  the  ex-ridin'  master, 
who  appears  to  have  been  actin"  as  a  sort  of  chamber 
counsel  on  'oss  cases  : — '  You  must  know,  sir,  I  am  werry 
fond  of  'unting,  and  live  in  as  fine  a  scentin'  country  as 
any  in  the  kingdom.  Tlic  soil  is  pretty  stiff,  the  leaps 
large  and  fretjuent,  and  a  great  deal  of  timljer  to  get 
over.  Now,  sir,  my  brown  'oss  is  a  werry  cajjital  'uiiter; 
ajid  though  he  is  slow,  and  I  cannot  absolutely  ride  over 
the  'ounds  (indeed,  the  country  is  so  enclosed  that  I  do 
not  see  so  much  of  them  as  I  could  wish),  yet,  in  the 
end.  he  generally  l»rings  me  in  l)ofoi*e  the  'unsman  goes 
lioiDO  with  tlie  dogs.' 

■'  And  liere  let  me  obsei-ve."  said  Mr.  JoiTocks.  break- 
ing off,  "that  that  is  neitlier  good  K|)ortin'  nor  good 
language,  and  Nutmeg,  I  should  think,  had  been  one  of 
your  Ma<adaini/in'  happotite  'unting  parsons,  or  he 
would  U'rither  have  talked  of  ridin'  over  the  'oiindH,  or 
yet  l^ing  content  to  draggle  up  aftei-  th<!  worry,  and  just 
a.s  the  (lofis,  ius  Iip  calls  tli'-in,  wf-re  going  home  -But  let 
that  pass."     Mr.  Jon-ocks  then  resumed  his  reading — 


170 


HANDT.EY  CKOSS 


Now,  sir.  my  l»rowii  'orr  is  a  noMe  leapev,  and  never 
gave  me  a  fall  in  his  life  in  that  way  ;  but  he  has  fjot  a 
hawkward  trick  (tlionsh  he  clears  everythinj^-  with  his 
forelefjs  in  capital  style)  of  leaving  the  other  two  on  the 
wi-ong  side  of  the  fence ;  and  if  the  gate  or  stile  happens 
to  be  in  a  sound  state,  it  is  a  woi'k  of  time  and  trouble 
to  get  his  hind  legs  over.     He  clears  a  ditch   finely 


^.      A   HORSE   WITH    ONLi„ONK    FAULT 

indeed,  with  two  feet,  but  the  othei-s  constantly  fall  inj; 
that  it  gives  me  a  sti-ange  pain  in  my  back,  very  like 
what  is  called  a  lumbago ;  and  unless  you  kindly  stand 
my  friend  and  instnict  me  how  I  am  to  bring  these  hind 
legs  after  me,  I  fear  I  shall  never  get  rid  of  it.  If  you 
please,  sii-,  you  may  ride  him  a  'unting  yourself  any  day 
you  will  please  tf»  a]jpoint,  and  you  shall  be  'eartily 
welcome.' 


A   SPORTING  LECTOR  1"^ 

"  To  this  letter  Gambado  replied  as  follows  :— 

■■'Reverend  Sir,   - 

" '  Your  brown  'oss  being  so  good  an  'unter,  and 
as  you  obseiTe,  having  so  fine  a  notion  of  leapin',  I 
should  be  'appy  if  I  could  be  of  any  service  in  assistin' 
you  to  make  his  two  hind  legs  follow  the  others ;  but, 
as  you  obsen'e,  they  seem  so  weny  i^erwerse  and  obsti- 
nate, that  I  cherish  but  small  'opes  of  prewailin'  upon 
them — I  have  looked  and  found  many  such  cases,  but  no 
cure — However,  in  examinin'  my  papers  I  have  found 
out  somethin'  that  may  prove  of  service  to  you,  in  your 
weiTV  lamentable  case  —  An  oat-stealer  or  ostler  has 
informed  me,  that  it  is  a  common  trick  played  upon 
bagstei-s  or  London  riders,  when  they  are  not  generous 
to  the  servants  in  the  inn,  for  a  ^\^cked  boy  or  two  to 
watch  one  of  them  as  he  turns  out  of  the  gateway,  and 
to  pop  a  bush  or  stick  under  his  'oss's  tail,  which  he 
instantly  brings  dowai  upon  the  stick  and  'olds  it  fast, 
kickin'  at  the  same  time  at  such  a  rate  as  to  dislodge  the 
bagman  that  l^strides  him— Suppose  then,  when  your 
'oss  has  flown  over  a  gate  or  stile  in  his  old  way,  with 
his  fore  legs  only,  you  were  to  dismount,  and  clap  your 
vip  or  stick  ])roporly  imder  his  tail,  and  then  mount 
again;  the  piittin'  liim  in  a  little  motion  will  set  him  on 
his  kickin'  princi]jles  in  a  hun-y,  and  it's  ten  to  one  but 
by  this  means  you  get  his  hind  legs  to  follow  the  others 
—You  will  l)e  able,  perhaps,  to  extricate  your  stick  from 
its  place  of  confinement  when  you  are  up  and  over  (if 
you  am't  down)  but  should  you  not,  it  is  but  sixpence 
gone.  I  send  you  this  as  a  mere  surmise;  perliaps  it 
may  answer;  perhaps  not. 

■■  ■  I  thank  you  for  your  oifer,  which  is  a  werry  kind 
one.  but  I  i>eg  to  be  excused  accepting  it ;  all  my  hani- 
bition  i>eing  to  add  to  the  theory  with  as  little  pj-actice 
as  possible.' 

■■"Add  to  the  theory  witli  as  little  practice  as  pos- 
sible,'" repeaUid  Mr.  JornxkH,  "Tliat's  wot  a  great 
many  writers  arc  anxious  to  dt;  at  the  pi-escnt  day— But 
to  proceed  —  Another  circumstance  wot  leads  me  to 
B\ippose  tliat  Jfffery  was  not  an  'unter  is  this.  In  some 
oliHCi-wations  in  his  Preface  on  a  portrait  of  Mr.  (iam- 
l.ado  tliat  adonis  tiio  frontisj)iece.  the  t-ditor  says  tliat 
it  was  done  by  a  friend  from  uKniiory,  and  tinctured 
with  the  pre.iudice  of  friendshijt.  'JcflV-ry,'  lie  says, 
■  was  not  so  slim,  nor  was  his  eye  so  jioiguant :  nor  was 


172  HANDLE Y   mOSR 

he  ever  known  to  lio  i>ossessed  of  a  pair  of  top-boots 
himself,  thous'h  he  often  mentions  boots  in  his  writings.' 

"  Tliat  I  think."  observed  Mr.  JoiTocks,  "  is  conchisive. 
But  then  what  does  it  prove  ?  Why,  that  if  Gambado, 
the  best  of  all  s^Dortin'  Avi'iters,  knew  nothin'  of  'nntinpr, 
it  is  the  more  incum)>ent  on  John  JoiTocks  to  supply 
the  deficiency. 

"  But  whether  Gambado,  if  I  may  be  allowed  to  speak 
of  him  with  such  familiarity,  was  a  fox-hunter  or  not,  it 
is  quite  clear  that  he  possessed  a  knowledge  of  'osses  far 
superior  to  any  man  of  the  present  day.  '  The  Academy 
for  Grown  "Ossmen '  is  a  perfect  text-book  in  its  way, 
and  when  a  man  has  read  Gamljado's  instructions  how 
to  choose  an  'oss,  how  to  tackle  him  jiroperly.  in  what 
sort  of  dress  to  ride  him,  how  to  mount  and  manage 
him,  how  to  ride  him  out,  and  above  all  how  to  ride  him 
'ome  again,  dull  must  be  the  dog  wot  has  occasion  to  go 
to  a  riding-school. 

"There  is  a  wast  of  fancy  about  dealin'^ — far  more 
than  relates  to  the  mere  colour ;  indeed  some  say  that 
colour  is  immaterial,  and  there  is  an  old  saw  about  a 
good  'oss  never  being  of  a  bad  colour,  but  the  first  ques- 
tion a  gi-een  'orn  asks  is  the  colour  of  the  prad.  Old 
Steropes  says,  if  you  have  no  predilection  that  way, 
choose  a  mouse-coloxired  dun,  for  it  has  the  peculiar 
adwantage  of  lookin'  equally  well  all  the  year  round. 
A  black  list  down  the  back  makes  it  still  more  desirable, 
as  the  bystanders  will  suppose  you  are  ridin'  with  a 
crujiper,  a  practice  no  finished  'ossmen  ought  to  neglect. 
This  latter  point,  however,  is  confuted  by  Gambado, 
who  says,  '  be  wei-ry  shy  of  a  crupper  if  your  'oss  natur- 
ally throws  his  saddle  forward.  It  will  certainlie  make 
his  tail  sore,  set  him  a  kickin',  and  weny  likely  bring 
you  into  trouble.' 

'"How  perplexin'  must  all  this  be  to  a  beginner," 
exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  throwing  up  his  hands. 

"  The  height  of  an  'oss.  Gambado  says,  is  perfectly 
immaterial,  prowided  he  is  higher  behind  than  before. 
Nothin'  is  more  pleasin'  to  a  traveller  than  the  sensation 
of  continually  gettin'  forward ;  whereas  the  ridin'  of  an 
'oss  of  a  contrary  make  is  like  swamiin'  the  banisters  of 
a  staircase,  when,  though  perhaps  you  really  advance, 
you  feel  as  if  you  were  goin'  backwards. 

"  Gambado  says  nothin'  aboiit  the  size  of  an  'oss's 
head,  Init  he  says  he  should  can-y  it  low,  that  he  may 
have  an  eye  to  the  ground  and  see  the  better  where  he 
steps.    Some  say  the  *ead  should  be  as  large  as  possible. 


A   SPORTING  LECTOR  173 

inasiniicli  as  the  weight  tends  to  prewent  the  'oss  from 
rearin',  which  is  a  wice  dangerous  in  the  highest  degi-ee ; 
my  idea  is,  that  the  size  of  the  'ead  is  immaterial,  for 
the  'oss  doesn't  go  on  it,  at  least  he  didn't  ought  to  do  I 
know. 

"  The  ears  cannot  well  be  too  long,  Gambado  says,  for 
a  judicious  rider  steers  his  course  by  fixin'  his  eyes  Ise- 
between  them.  This,  however,  is  a  disputed  point,  and 
old  Dickey  La-vvi-ence  recommends  that  they  should  be 
large  and  loppin'  in  a  horizontal  direction,  by  which 
position  no  rain  can  possibly  enter,  and  the  'oss  will 
have  no  occasion  to  shake  his  'ead,  a  habit  which  he  says 
not  only  disturljs  the  brain,  but  frequently  brings  on 
the  mad  staggei^s. 

"  Here  again  the  doctors  difPer  I 

"  It  seem  agreed  on  all  hand  that  the  less  a  'oss  lifts 
his  fore-legs,  the  easier  he  will  move  for  his  rider,  and 
lie  will  likewise  Iniish  all  the  stones  out  of  his  way, 
which  might  otherwise  throw  him  down.  Gambado 
thinks  if  he  tunis  his  toes  Avell  out,  he  will  disperse 
them  riglit  and  left,  and  not  have  the  trouble  of  kickin' 
the  same  stone  a  second  time,  bi;t  I  don't  see  much 
adwantage  in  this,  and  think  he  might  as  well  be  kickin' 
the  same  stone  as  a  fresh  one. 

"  There  can  lye  no  doubt  that  a  Roman  nose  like 
Aiierxerxes's  adds  greatly  to  the  gravity  of  an  oss's 
countenance.  It  has  a  fine  substantial  yeoman-like 
apijearance,  and  well  becomes  the  father  of  a  family,  a 
Church  dignitary,  or  a  man  in  easy  circumstances. — A 
Roman  nose  and  a  shovel  hat  are  finite  luiique. — Some 
tliink  a  small  eye  a  recommendation,  as  they  are  less 
exjiosed  to  injuries  tlian  large  ones,  but  that  is  matter 
of  fancy.  The  nostrils,  Lawrence  says,  should  l^e  small, 
and  the  lips  thick  and  leathery,  which  latter  property 
airls  tlie  Honsibility  of  the  mouth  weiTy  considerably. — 
Some  prefer  an  arched  neck  to  a  ewe,  but  the  latter  has 
a  fine  conseqviential  hair,  and  ought  not  to  l>e  slighted. 

"It  may  be  j)rejiidice,  but  I  confess  I  likes  an 'oss's 
I)ack  wot  inclines  to  a  hf)g  l>end. — Your  slack  l)acks  are 
all  very  well  for  can-j'in'  millf^rs'  sacks,  but  rely  upon  it 
there's  notliin'  like  tlio  outw.ird  bow  for  makin'  tliem 
ilafp  tlifir  leajjS  ]»r«»p('rly.  Many  iik'H  in  the  Snirey 
iiMiifiiiler  my  fam'>UH 'oss  8tar-gaz<'i-.  He  was  made  in 
iliiit  furiij,  and  in  his  leaps  tlirew  an  iircli  like  the  dome 
of  .St.  Paul's.  A  long  back  is  a  grand  tiling  for  a  family 
'oss. — I've  Sf*en  my  cousin  Joe  daji  six  of  liis  bnits  and 
his  light  porter  on  the  back  of  thf  old  Crockenlilc.  and 


174  HANDLET   CROSS 

the  old  nag  would  have  can-ied  another  if  his  tail  had 
been  tied  up. — In  the  'unting-  field,  however,  one  seldom 
sees  more  than  one  man  on  an  'oss,  at  a  time.  Two 
don't  look  spoi'tin',  and  the  world's  governed  by 
appearances. 

"Some  people  object  to  high  blowers,  that  is,  'osses 
wot  make  a  noise  like  steam-engines  as  they  go.  I  don't 
see  no  great  objection  to  them  myself,  and  think  the  use 
they  are  of  in  clearin'  the  way  in  crowded  thoroughfares, 
and  the  protection  they  afford  in  dark  nights  by  pre- 
ventin'  people  ridin'  against  you,  more  than  counter- 
balance any  disconwenience.  —  Gambado  says,  a  bald 
face,  wall  eyes,  and  white  legs,  answer  the  same  puri^ose. 
but  if  you  can  get  all  four,  it  will  be  so  much  the  better. 

■■  There  is  an  author  who  says  the  hip-bones  should 
project  well  beyond  the  ribs,  which  form  will  be  found 
wen-y  conwenient  in  'ot  weather,  as  the  rider  may  hang 
his  hat  on  them  occasionally,  whilst  he  wipes  the  per- 
spiration from  his  brow,  addin'  that  that  form  gives  the 
hannimal  greater  facility  in  passin'  through  stable-doors, 
l)ut  I  am  inclined  to  think,  that  the  adwice  is  a  little  of 
what  the  French  call  pleasant  re,  and  we  call  gammon; 
at  all  events,  I  don't  follow  it. 

■'  Broken  knees  is  nothin'. — Where,  let  me  ax,  is  the 
man  with  the 'oss  that  he  will  swear  will  never  tumble 
down  P  Geoffrey  indeed  says,  '  Be  sure  to  buy  a  broken- 
kneed  'oss  whenever  he  falls  in  your  way ;  the  best  bit  of 
flesh  that  ever  was  crossed  will  cei-taiidy  come  down  one 
day  or  another ;  whereas,  one  that  has  f  aUen  (and  scari- 
fied himself  pretty  tightly)  never  will  again,  if  he  can 
help  it.' 

"At  an  American  "oss  sale,  I  i-ead  of  t'other  day,  a 
Iniyer  exclaims — 

" '  Vy,  he's  broken  kuee'd ! ' 

Not  at  all,  you  mister,'  cried  the  hauctioneer  pertly. 
'  The  gen'leman  wot  sells  this  'oss  always  marks  his  stud 
on  the  knee,  that  he  may  know  'em  again ' — haw  I  haw  ! 
liaw ! ''  chuckled  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  " '  Lofty  hactioned  'oss  ! 
—  struck  his  knee  again  his  tooth ! '  I  once  heard  a  dealer 
declare  on  behalf  of  a  broken-kneed  'un  in  the  City. 

"  There  is  an  old  sayin'  in  Spain,  that  a  man  wot 
would  buy  a  mule  without  a  faidt  must  not  buy  one  at 
all,  and  faultless  'osses  are  equally  rare.  Gil  Bias's 
mule,  if  I  recollects  right,  was  '  all  faults,'  and  there  are 
many  'osses  not  much  l^etter.  To  be  sure  it  makes  a 
marvellous  difference  whether  you  are  i-epresentin'  the 
'oss's  ciiifilities  to  an  expectant  purchaser,  or  are  treatin' 


A  SPORTING  LECTOE  175 

yourself  to  a  bit  of  unwaruished  truth,  as  we  all  must 
do  occasionally.  It  is  an  unpleasant  reflection,  and  says 
little  for  the  morality  of  the  age,  or  the  merits  of  the 
RefoiTu  Bill,  that,  out  of  London,  one  can  hardly  get 
rid  of  an  'oss  without  more  or  less  doing  wiolence  to 
one's  feelin's  of  integrity.  '  The  purchaser  has  need  of 
a  hundred  eyes,  the  seller  of  but  one,'  says  the  authority 
I  quoted  before ;  but  dash  my  vig,  they  require  the  seller 
to  make  up  in  tongue  what  he  economises  in  wision. 

'■  WaiTantin'  an  'oss  is  highly  inconwenient.  'specially 
when  you've  reason  to  know  he's  a  screw,  and  it  requires 
a  good  deal  of  management  to  ewade  the  question  so  as 
not  to  diminish  the  price.  I  generally  tries  to  laugh  it 
off,  sayin',  "  Vy  really  wazTantin'  is  quite  out  of  fashion, 
and  never  thought  of  at  Tat.'s ; '  or  if  the  buyer  is  a 
young  im,  and  apparently  werdant,  I  says,  *  Why,  faith, 
/  should  say  he's  all  right,  but  you  can  see  the  'oss 
youi'self,  and  can  judge  Vjetter  nor  I.' 

■■  Men  that  have  much  business  of  this  sort  ought  to 
keep  a  slippei-j-tongiied  grum  to  whom  they  can  refer  a 
pm-chaser  in  a  hoff  'and  sort  of  way,  as  though  it  were 
beneath  their  dignity  to  know  nothin'  of  the  kind,  and 
wished  the  grum  to  give  every  possible  infonnation. 
which  the  warmint  knows  a  great  deal  better  nor  do. 

"  A  respectal>le  lookhig  giimi  wot  can  lie  like  ti-uth  is 
tnily  inwaluable  to  gen'lemen  of  this  description.  If  a 
man  is  rich,  he  may  cheat  you  with  impunity ;  it  is  only 
ixjor  men  wot  siiffer  in  consequence.  Honesty  is  of  no 
use  to  licensed  'oss  dealers.  Every  man  supposes  they 
are  rogues,  and  treat  them  accordingly.  Who  does  not 
remember  old  bottle-nosed  Richards  ?  When  any  one 
axed  his  nuuiber,  he  said,  '  Oh,  you  ax  any  shop-keeper 
in  Iloxford-street  where  the  biggest  rogue  lives,  and 
he'll  be  sure  to  send  you  to  me ! ' 

"But  to  the  wan-anty;  as  I  said  before,  it's  werry 
in(;onw<'nientwaiTantin'.  and  if  a  customer  sticks  to  his 
point,  it  is  not  a  l.a<l  dodge  to  try  and  puzzle  him  by 
makin'  him  explain  wot  he  means  by  a  sound  'oss,  and  if 
he  gets  any  way  near  the  point,  ax  him  if  he  can  lay  his 
';ind  cm  hi.s  'art  and  say  tliat  he  is  not  only  sound  but 
free  from  all  impendin'  disease.  I  once  friglilened  a 
chap  uncommon  when  we  got  this  far  l)y  excliiiiiiiu',  'I'm 
dashed  if  there  ain't  a  hectic;  fhisli  on  yotir  nuig  at  this 
moment  that  looks  werry  like  eonsumidion.'  He  closed 
the  bargain  immediately,  and  under  pretences  of  writin'  a 
cheque,  went  into  the  'ouse  and  liad  a  good  look  at  him- 
self in  the  glass.     Tat.  is  werry  clever  at  this  work,  and 


176  HANDLEY   CROSS 

when  a  Joiiny-raw  axes  him  if  he  waiTants  an  'oss  sound, 
he  exchiiius  with  a  air  of  astonishment,  '  Wairant  him 
sound  !  Why,  sir,  I  wouldn't  warrant  that  he's  an  'oss. 
let  alone  that  he's  sound ' — haw,  haw.  haw. — My  friend 
Dickey  Grunt,  who  lisps  werry  much,  did  a  clever  thinj? 
in  this  line  t'other  day.  He  sold  an  uncommon  green 
'orn  a  broken-winded  'oss.  lif/iinng  out  when  ax'd  if  he 
warranted  him  sound,  '  Oh  in  coui-the  like  all  men  I 
w-a-a-n-t  him  thound  ; '  whereupon  the  youth  paid  the 
money  and  dispersed  for  a  lide.  Presently  he  comes 
back  with  a  wen-y  l9ng  wissage,  and  said,  *  Vy,  sir,  this 
'ere  'oss  is  broken-winded.' 

" '  I  knows  it,'  replies  Dick,  with  the  greatest 
effrontery. 

" '  Then  sir,  you  must  take  him  back  and  retm-n  me 
my  swag,  for  you  warranted  him  sound.' 

" '  No  thuch  thing,  my  good  fellow,'  replied  Dick,  '  you 
mithtook  me  altogether;  I  thaid  I  wanted  him  thomid  ! 
not  that  I  warranted  him  thound.'     (Loud  laughter.) 

■'  Old  Joe  Smith  in  Chiswell  Street  had  a  wicious  nag 
Avot  would  neither  ride,  nor  drive,  nor  'unt,  nor  do  any- 
thing that  a  nag  ought.  Well,  Joe  took  him  to  Bamet 
fair,  where  he  fell  in  with  a  swaggenn'  chap  in  tight 
nankeens  and  hessians,  who  axed  him  in  a  hoff  'and  sort 
of  way,  if  he  knowed  of  anything  that  would  knock  his 
buggy  about,  to  which  Joe  conscientiously  replied  he 
did,  and  sold  him  his  'oss.  Having  got  the  tin,  Joe  left 
the  town,  for  Barnet  is  only  a  dull  place  of  recreation, 
when  what  should  come  past  him  like  a  flash  of  lightenin', 
but  his  old  nag,  with  his  'ead  i'  the  hair,  kickin'  and 
millin'  the  splash-board  of  a  tidy  yellow  buggy,  with  a 
cane  back,  and  red  wheels  picked  out  with  green. 
Presently,  up  came  the  owner  on  a  grey  poster,  with  the 
traces  all  danglin'  at  his  'eels,  and  jist  as  he  neared  Joe. 
the  old  nag  charged  the  rails  of  the  new  mound,  snappin' 
the  jimmey  shafts  like  carrots,  and  leavin'the  rest  of  the 
buggy  scattered  all  over  the  road. 

'*'Hooi,  you  rogue!  you  willain!  you  waggabone!" 
roared  the  buyer,  gaspin'  with  rage  and  fatigne,  'I'll 
teach  you  to  sell  such  nags  to  family  men  of  fortin  1 
You've  all  but  been  the  death  of  Mrs.  and  Miss  Juggins 
and  myself —  Wliere  do  you  live,  you  complicated 
abomination  of  a  scoundrel  ?  ' 

'■  Now  Joe,  who  is  a  hoiley  little  chap,  cunnin'  as  the 
devil,  and  not  easily  put  out  of  liis  way,  'special  ven  it's 
his  interest  not  to  lie  so,  let  Jug  run  on  till  lie  was  fairly 
bloANTi,  when  he  werry  coolly  observed,  jinlin"  the  odd 


A   SPORTING  LECTOR  177 

pew^r  in  his  bi-eeclies  pocket,  '  My  dear  sir,  you  are 
laboiirin'  under  a  werry  considerable  mistake.  If  you 
call  to  mind  what  you  axed  me,  it  was,  if  I  knowed  an 
'oss  to  knock  your  buggy  about,  and  egad !  if  he  hasn't 
done  it  to  the  letter  (pointin"  to  the  remnants  on  the 
road,)  I  don't  know  what  knockin'  about  is.' 

'■  Haw,  haw,  haw !  "  laughed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  a  chuckle 
in  which  the  majority  of  the  company  joined. 

■■  Another  chap  that  I  know  had  an  'oss  that  was  a 
capital  'imter,  and  good  at  everything  but  'aniess,  which 
his  soul  disdained.  Well,  it  didn't  suit  the  owner's 
couwenience  to  keep  anything  but  what  the  lawyers  call 
qui  tani  "osses,  that  is  to  say,  'osses  wot  will  ride  as  well 
as  drive  ;  so  he  looked  out  for  a  customer,  and  presently 
found  a  softish  sort  of  chap  in  green  spectacles,  and  a 
shiny  wite  'at,  who  having  tried  him  to  ride,  axed  if  he 
was  quiet  in  'arness.  To  this  the  o^viier  had  no  hestita- 
tion  in  sayin'  yes,  for  he  had  seen  the  nag  standin'  in 
'amess  without  movin'  a  muscle,  but  when  the  buyer 
wanted  to  tack  a  can-iage  to  the  'amess — Oh,  my  eyes  ! 
that  was  quite  a  different  story ;  and  my  lord  rel^elled. 
and  kicked  the  woi/ure  to  bits.  The  Ijuyer  tried  to 
retiu-n  him,  but  the  owner  conwinced  him  he  was  wrong, 
at  least  he  conwinced  him  he  would  not  take  him  back, 
which  was  pretty  nearly  the  same  thing. 

"  Daddy  Higgins  in  Rupert  Street  had  just  such  an 
'oas  aa  Joe  Smith's— one  of  the  reg'lar  good-for-nothin's 
— and  sold  liim  to  a  quaker  to  di'aw  his  cruelty  wan, 
assurin'  him,  when  axed  if  he  was  quiet  in  harness,  that 
it  would  delight  Hobadiah's  eyes  to  see  him  draw. 
Well,  the  quaker  tried  to  tackle  him,  but  the  'oss  soon 
sent  his  'eels  through  the  sjjlash  board,  and  when 
Hobadiali  remonstrated,  all  the  Daddy  did  was  to 
laugh,  and  assure  liim  it  would  delight  his  eyes  to  see 
him  draw,  for  the  'oss  would  never  bear  a  pair  of  shafts 
in  liis  life. 

"  Butenough  of  selUn'— it's  time  I  was  sayin'  somethin' 
about  buyin' — no  easy  matter  either. 

"  Siieakin'  of  his  time.  Gambado  said  it  was  immaterial 
whether  a  luirchaser  went  to  Tattersall's.  or  llaldridge's, 
or  Meynell's  'unt,  or  to  his  Majesty's,  for  it  was  probable 
he  would  be  taken  in  wherever  be  went,  and  things  are 
pretty  much  in  the  same  state  now. 

"The  loss  a  man  knows  aliout  an  'o88,  the  more  he 
exi)ect8,  and  tiie  greater  the  probability  of  his  thiukin' 
himself  dune.  Oh,  my  Ijeloveu  'carers,  happy  is  the  day, 
when  brimful  of  hignorauce,  the  tyro  enters  ou  his  first 

N 


178  HAND  LET  CROSS 

'oss  dealin'  speckilatiou— Great  may  he  his  gi-eenness, 
but  age  and  experience  will  cure  all  that,  and  who  would 
not  barter  grey-'eaded  gumption  for  the  joyousness  of 
youthful  confidence  and  indiscretion  ?  For  that  pure 
werdancy,  wot  sends  ingenuous  youth  up  back-slums  in 
search  of  'osses  advertisin'  for  kind  masters  rather  than 
high  prices,  the  property  of  uoljlemen  deceased,  or 
hofficers  goin'  abroad  ?     (Applause.) 

"  When  I  was  a  bouy,  clods  came  to  London  expectin' 
to  find  it  paved  with  gold,  and  many  wot  read  the  news- 
paper adwertisements  must  think  it's  the  real  place  for 
humanity  and  'oss  flesh— sich  shape— sich  symnietry— 
sich  action— sich  temper,  the  most  timid  may  ride,  and 
sich  bargins!  Who  would  trudge,  when  for  twenty 
Ijounds  he  can  have  a  cob  fit  to  carry  a  castle,  or  a  can- 
terin'  thorough-bred,  that  a  child  may  ride.  The  wen-y 
trials  they  hoffer  would  keep  a  man  goin',  prowided  he 
could  but  get  them. 

"  No  man  fit  to  be  at  large  will  ever  trouble  a  puff 
advertisement.  If  he  does  he  will  find  himself  saddled 
with  an  'oss  that  isn't  worth  his  saddle,  or  may  be,  taken 
to  a  police-office  for  stealin'  of  him.  Next,  let  him  awoid 
choppin'  and  changin'.  'We  know  what  we  have,  biit 
we  don't  know  what  we  may  get,'  is  a  werry  treasui'able 
truism. 

"  Whatever  may  be  the  risks  of  out-and-out  dealin', 
there  is  no  doubt  but  exchanging  is  by  far  the  most 
cei-tain  loss ;  and  it  is  one  of  those  provokin'  uncertain 
certainties,  foi-  a  nutn  is  never  certain  wot  he  loses.  '  If 
he  don't  suit,  111  take  him  back,'  says  a  dealer ;  no  doubt 
he  will,  Init  will  he  retura  you  the  tin  ?  No  such  thing  1 
He'll  give  you  somethin'  worse,  and  make  you  give  him 
somethin'  for  doin'  so,  and  the  oftener  you  change,  the 
worse  you'll  be  mounted. 

"  There's  an  old  sayin'  that  it's  easier  to  perceive  the 
wi-ong  than  pursue  the  right ;  and  I  reckon  it's  a  vast 
easier  to  tell  a  man  wot  he  shoxUd  not  buy  than  wot  he 
should.  Walk  along  Piccadilly  any  summer  afternoon, 
and  see  tlie  seedy  screws  shaking  on  the  calvstands; 
there  is  age,  wice,  and  infii-mity,  unaided  by  blisters  or 
bran  mashes.  Flesh  covers  a  miUtitude  of  sins,  but 
cabljy  stands  forth  in  the  familiar  anatomy  of  high 
bones,  and  yet  there  be  good  shapes  and  good  pints  to 
admire,  but  no  one  would  think  of  buyin'  a  cab-'oss! 
Still  there  is  much  good  awoidance  to  be  learned  by 
lookin'  thena  over. 
" '  V/ho  \vants  to  ijuy  an  'oss,  -wot  can  walk  five,  and 


A   SPOETING   LECTOR  179 

trot  twenty  iniles  an  hour  ? '  exclaimed  a  wag  among  tlie 
crowd  before  the  bettiu'  room  at  Doucaster.  ' I  do ! '  'I 
do  I '  '  I  do ! '  replied  a  dozen  woiees.  '  Then  if  I  hears 
of  sich  a  one.  I'll  let  you  know,'  replied  the  gentleman; 
and  wen-y  similar  is  my  sitivation  with  regard  to 
adwisin"  you  where  to  purchase.  One  thing  is  quite 
certain,  that  you  can't  buy  exijerience  with  another 
man's  money,  but  then,  havin'  to  pay  for  it,  he  will  do 
best  wot  gets  it  for  least. 

"  The  first  step  towards  a  purchase  is  to  make  up  your 
mind  what  sort  of  an  'oss  you  want;  'unter.  'ackney, 
charger,  coach,  or  "  qui  tamer.'  This  is  a  most  important 
point,  especial  where  you  go  to  a  dealer's,  where  they 
never  have  less  than  thii-ty  or  forty,  and  as  many  more 
cumin'  from  'Orncastle  or  "Owden,  or  at  their  farms  in 
the  country.  For  want  of  this  previous  arrangement,  I 
once  saw  a  rum  scene  between  Septimus  Green,  old  Verd 
Antique's  ninth  son,  and  Tommy  Doom,  wot  kept  the 
Pelican  Livery  and  Bait  Stables  in  Cripplegate.  Old 
Tommy  was  on  the  eve  of  his  perihodical  bankruptcy, 
and  jest  afore  shuttin'  up,  Septimiis  arrived  flourishin' 
his  cambric,  with  his  white  jeans  strapped  under  his 
chammy_  leather  opera  Ijoots,  and  a  tartan  Joinville 
across  his  neck.  Old  Tom  eyed  him  as  he  swaggered 
df)wn  the  ride,  ami  having  exclianged  nods,  Septimus 
began  axin'  Tommy  if  he  liad  anything  in  his  line,  jest 
as  though  he  bought  an  'oss  every  other  day.  Tommy 
paused  and  considered,  iimnin'  his  miiuVs  eyi\  as  it  were, 
through  the  seven  stalls,  and  tlie  ten  stalls,  and  the 
fifteen  stalls,  and  all  the  loose  boxes,  and  then  as  usual 
he  called  for  Joe.  Joe  was  the  pictur'  of  a  dealer's  man; 
red  nose,  Vjlear  eyes,  long  body,  short  legs — and  nuister 
and  nian  were  one.  After  a  little  side  talk,  in  the  course 
of  whicli  Tommy  heard  with  regret  tliat  the  l>rown  Avas 
at  Greenwich,  and  tlm  roan  at  Dulwich,  and  the  white 
at  Blackheath,  and  iialf  a  dozen  others  of  Green's  cut 
away  on  trial.  Tommy  exclaimed  with  a  hair  of  sudden 
enlightenment,  'But,  Joe,  there's  the  cowl  jest  slip  on 
the  'alter,  and  bring  her  imp  the  ride.' 

Cow ! '  exclaimed  Septimus,  '  1  wants  an  'oss ! ' 

" '  'Well,  but  see  lier  out  at  all  ewonts,'  replied  Touiniy 
in  the  sweetest  manner  possible;  'lookin'  costs  iiothin',' 
added  he. 

But    I    doesn't    vont    a    cow ! '    roared    Septimus, 
bursting  with  rage. 

"  Jest  then  the  street  gates  closed,  and  hup  ciime  Joe, 
ruunin'  the  cow  as  he  would  an  'oss,  old  Tommy  i)raibing 


180 


HANULEY   CROSS 


her  liactioii,  aud  the  way  she  lifted  her'leg,  swearin'  she 
never  woidd  come  down,  takiii'  no  notice  of  Green 
storinin'  and  swearin'  he  didn't  want  a  coav,  he  wouldn't 
take  a  cow  in  a  gift ;  and  I  really  believe  if  I  hadn't  been 
there,  old  Tommy  would  have  talked  him  into  it — for  he 
certain//V  had  the  most  buttery  tongue  that  ever  was 
hvuig — and  the  gates  were  locked  into  the  bargain. 

"  But  let  us  naiTow  the  field  of  'oss  speckilation,  and 
^■iew  our  b\iyer  on  the  road  to  a  dealer's  in  search  of  an 
"unter.  No  man  should  go  there  in  black  silk  stockin's ; 
dress  trousers  are  also  out  of  character.    And  here  I 


"bvt  I  doksn't  von  I  A  cow!" 


may  observe  that  there  be  two  sorts  of  fox-"unters— the 
(luiet  fox-'imter  wot  goes  out  werry  swell,  but  comes 
home  and  resumes  the  appearance  of  a  gejumaii,  and 
the  Tom-and-Jerry  fox-'unter  what  goes  out  now  and 
then,  to  smoke  cigars,  pick  up  a  steeple-chaser,  wear 
groomish  clothes,  and  be  able  to  talk  of  the  'oimds. 
The  latter  are  not  the  men  for  the  dealer's  money. 
They  turn  the  stables  over  from  end  to  end,  worm  out 
the  secrets,  and  keep  a  register  of  the  fluctuations  in 
price  of  each  'oss.    Some  act  as  middle-men  betv/ecu  the 


A   SPORTINO  LECTOR  181 

buyer  and  seller,  gettin"  wot  they  can  out  of  each  for 
their  trouble.  '  I  can  buy  him  cheaper  than  you,"  they 
say.  and  so  they  benefit  the  buyer  by  pocketin'  the 
difference.  These  are  the  bouys  to  bother  a  dealer's 
v\g !  A  Tink  fi-om  them  stops  many  a  bargain,  while  an 
approvin'  nod  from  such  distinguished  judges  drives 
ingenuoiis  yoiith  into  extempore  liargains  that  they 
would  othei"wise  bring  half  their  acquaintance  to  inspect. 

"  When  three  men  enter  a  yard,  a  dealer  seldom  opens 
out.  Two  are  plenty  for  business— if  the  buyer  is  pea- 
green,  he  had  l^etter  get  some  i-iper  fi-iend  to  play  hrst 
fiddle,  and  he  must  Ije  spectator.  If  he  has  a  liutton  at 
his  "at  and  'olds  his  tongue,  he  may  pass  for  a  quiet  fox- 
'unter,  and  so  command  respect.  There's  '  Masonry '  in 
fox-'unting.  and  a  loop  in  at  the  linin'  or  a  button 
behind,  will  do  more  than  rill  the  swagger  and  bluster 
in  the  world. 

■'  It  is  an  inwariable  i-ule  with  the  dealers  to  praise 
the  bad  joints  and  let  the  good  uns  speak  for  them- 
selves. It  is  a  waste  of  time  obsei'vin'  that  an  'oss  is 
large  in  the  'ead  or  light  in  the  carcase,  'caiise  a  con- 
tradiction is  sure  to  follow.  It  is  equally  useless  axin' 
the  age  of  a  dealer's  "oss,  because  they  are  all  '  six  hofi:'.' 
If  you  object  to  shape,  make,  or  colour,  they  will  tell 
you  it's  ail  fancy !  That  some  folks  like  a  happle, 
others  a  li onion,  and  Lord  So-and-so  would  give  any 
price  for  sich  an  'oss.  As  to  argufying  with  a  dealer, 
that's  quite  out  of  the  question,  Ijecause  he  lias  his  cut- 
and-dried  answers  to  every  obsei'^R'ation  you  can  make, 
and  two  or  three  grums  to  swear  to  what  he  says.  Keep, 
therefore,  in  mind  what  Gambado  said  about  l>eing 
(/o)ir,  keejj  also  in  view  the  sort  of  nag  you  want,  and 
don't  l>e  talked  into  buyin'  a  cow,  and  when  an  'oss  of 
yonr  figure  makes  his  appearance,  look  him  full  in  the 
face,  as  though  yoi)  wore  usod  to  such  interviews.  If 
you  have  read  about  sand  cracks,  and  sallenders,  and 
sit-fa.sts,  and  th(M-oiigii  ))iiiH,  and  (piittors.  and  locked 
jaws,  and  curbs,  you  will  .save  yourself  the  trouble  of 
enquirin'  after  any  of  them  l)y  axin"  the  dealer  if  he'll 
wan-ant  him  sound.  In  coiiiso  he"ll  say  yes.  and  you 
may  thon  procred  witli  your  view.  The  nrecejit,  '  No 
fut,  no  'oss,  is  wf'll  to  ]>o  lioriif  in  mind  |>prliapB,  as  also 
'  No  'ock,  no  'iintfT.'     Now.  "ark  forward  ! 

"The  dealer,  what  with  his  tongue  and  his  whip,  will 
keep  you  and  tlio  nag  in  a  state  of  trepidation. 

"All  the  good  qualities  'oss-floHli  is  heir  fo  will  be  laid 
to  his  charge,  and  there  will  Ije  nothin'  you  can  ax  but 


182  HA.NDLET  CROSS 

what  he  will  be  able  to  do. — '  Leap !  Lor'  bless  you,  Sir, 
I  visli  you'd  see'd  him  last  Friday  gone  a  week  with 
the  Queen's  staggers  at  Slough.  We  was  a  runniu'  old 
Skylark,  wot  always  goes  straight,  when  he  planted  the 
field  at  a  six  foot  vail,  dashed  and  coped  with  broken 
bottles — not  another  'oss  looked  at  it,  and  Davis  declared 
lie  never  see'd  siich  a  lip  in  his  life.' 

■'  Spooney. — '  Vill  he  go  in  'arness,  do  you  think  ? ' 

"  Dealer. — '  Quietest  crittur  alive  !  Jack's  eldest  bouy 
here,  a  lad  o'  thirteen,  driv  him  and  another  to  Mile  End 
and  back,  'long  the  Strand,  through  Fleet  Street,  Cheap- 
side,  and  all,  busiest  time  o'  day,  and  he  nouther  looked 
to  the  right  nor  the  left.    Lay  your  leg  over  him,  sir ! ' 

"  Now  this  latter  is  an  inwitation  for  the  gen'leman  to 
mount,  and  if  so  be  he  of  the  button  has  never  been 
much  used  to  ride,  lie  had  better  let  his  friend  use  his 
leg,  or  should  neither  be  werry  expert,  let  the  dealer's 
man  throw  his  over.  Some  'osses  don't  like  strangers, 
and  nothin'  looks  so  foolish  as  a  man  floored  in  a  dealer's 
yard.  Still,  mountin'  is  the  first  step  in  practical 
\)ssmanship,  and  it  don't  need  no  conjuror  to  know  that 
unless  a  man  mount  he  can  have  no  ride.  Should  our 
friend  think  well  of  the  nag's  looks,  perhaps  he  cannot 
l)egin  his  acquaintance  too  soon.  If  he  sees  no  wite  of 
the  eye  or  symptoms  of  wice,  no  coaxin'  or  whooofin',  or 
shoulderin'  to  get  him  to  stand,  let  him  march  boldly  up 
and  mount,  like  William  the  Conquei'or.  'Osses  are 
fiueer  critturs,  and  know  when  we  are  fiightened  of 
them  just  as  well  as  we  do  ourselves.  Born  to  be  con- 
trolled, they  stoop  to  the  forward  and  the  bold ! 

"  If  Green 'orn  gets  fairly  up,  the  chances  are  he  likes 
his  mount.  It  is  pleasant  to  find  one's  self  cairied  in- 
stead of  kicked  oft',  and  some  'osses  never  ride  so  well  as 
on  trial.  Out  then  Spooney  goes,  and  tries  all  his  paces ; 
a  self-satisfied  smile  plays  on  his  mug,  as  rein  on  neck 
lie  returns  down  the  covered  ride,  and  the  dealer,  with  a 
hair  of  indifference,  axes  '  'Ow  he  likes  him  ?  ' 

"  Spooney. — '  Why.  jn-etty  well — but  I  think  he  ;'ff//-tlier 
pulls — I  fear  he'll  be  windicitive  with  'ounds.' 

"  Dealer.—'  Pulls !  Vy  if  you  puUs  at  him,  in  all 
humane  pro})ability  he'll  pull  at  you — otherwise  you 
miglit  ride  him  with  a  thread.'  addin'  aside,  '  I  sells 
"osses,  not  'ands.    Finest  mouth'd  nag  I  ever  was  on ! ' 

"  Spooney. — '  Well,  but  you'll  take  a  Ice-t\e  less  than 
what  you  ax  ? ' 

"  Dealer.-  '  Couldn't  take  a  fardin'  less!— gave  within 
three  sovs.  of  that  myself,  and  In-ought  liim  all  the  vay 


A   SPORTINO   LECTOR  183 

from  'Omcastle. — Squire    Smith  will   take  liim  if  you 
don't — indeed,  here  comes  his  grum." 

'"Here  the  dealer's  liveried  and  booted  servant  appears. 

■■  The  bargain  is  then  closed — the  money  paid,  a  war- 
ranty included  in  the  stamped  receipt,  and  Spooney's 
first  ride  is  to  Field's,  or  the  Weterinary  College,  to 
have  him  examined.  One  pound  one  is  thus  added  to 
his  price. 

"  Thus,  my  beloved  'eai-ers,"  concluded  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
"  have  I  conducted  you  tlu'ough  the  all-perilous  journey 
of  youi'  fii'st  deal,  showin'  how  warious  and  conflictin' 
ai*e  the  opinions  relative  to  'osses.  and  how.  as  in  many 
cases,  wot  is  one  man's  meat  is  anither  man's  puzzon. 
Far  be  it  from  me  to  say  that  you  will  be  nivich  wizer 
from  anything  you  have  lieard,  for  the  old  staler  will 
find  nothin'  but  what  he  knew  before,  while  all  tuat  can 
be  taught  the  l)eginner  is  not  to  be  too  sanguinary  in 
his  expectations. 

■  ■  Tuna  about  is  fair  play,'  as  the  devil  said  to  the 
smoke-jack,  and  it  is  only  right  that  those  what  have 
inwested  capital  in  the  puix-hase  of  experience,  should 
l>e  allowed  to  get  a  little  back.  By-and-by  it  will  be 
Green'om's  turn,  and  then  little  Spooney,  who  now  goes 
sneakin'  up  the  yard,  will  swagger  boldly  in,  commandin' 
the  respect  and  attention  of  the  world. 

"  We  must  all  creep  afore  we  can  walk,  and  all  be 
bittfn  afore  we  can  bite.  But  let  not  ingenuous  youth 
despair  I  If  his  'oss  is  not  so  good  as  he  might  be,  let 
liim  cherish  the  reflection  that  he  might  have  been  far 
worse  !  Let  him  apply  that  moral  precept  so  beantifnlly 
inculcated  towards  iiis  better  'alf  : — 

"  •  Be  to  his  faults  a  little  liliml. 
Be  to  hiB  wirtucs  ever  kind.' 

'"So  shall  little  Spooney  jog  on  rejoinin' !  Each 
sncceedin'  year  shall  find  him  better  mounted,  and  at 
each  fresh  deal  he  will  become  a  wiser,  mid,  I  'opes,  an 
ajipier  man. " 

Mr.  Jon'ocks  concluded  amidst  linid  ;iiiii  uiiivcisnl 
a]>ijlauHe. 

A  loud  call  lieing  then  made  on  Roger  Swizzle,  that 
genius  at  lengtli  stepped  forward,  and  after  a  few 
jirepai-atory  hems,  declared  that  "of  all  tin-  loctures  he 
had  ever  list^jned  to,  either  at  Guy's,  Barlholomow's,  or 
i'lsewhorr>,  lie  liad  never  liear<l  one  so  icplete  with 
eloquence,  genius,  and  genuine  infonuation."  (Cheers.) 
"Hunting,   iiiid    Ifiindley   ('ross  waters"  (tlie  original 


18i  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Spa  !  some  one  cried  out).  "  the  original  Spa,  of  course," 
repeated  Roger,  "  wonld  cure  every  complaint  under  the 
sun,  and  if  he  hadn't  such  a  wash-ball  seat,  he  declared 
he'd  turn  siiortsman  himself.  Before  they  dispersed, 
however,  let  them  pay  a  tribute  of  i-espect  to  the 
gentleman  to  whom  they  were  indebted  for  sttcIi  a  great 
sporting  luminary— he  proposed  three  cheers  for  Captain 
Doleful." 

Captain  Doleful  returned  thanks,  and  proposed  three 
cheers  for  Roger  Swizzle,  after  which  the  majority  of 
the  male  portion  of  the  meeting  i-esolved  themselves  into 
a  brandy-and-water  committee  (Jorrocks  in  the  chair), 
which  sat  very  late,  and  resulted  in  our  friend  being  left 
to  pay  the  greater  share  of  the  shot. 


CHAPTER  XIX 

HUNTSMAN      WANTED 

WANTED    IMMEDIATELY,   for    the  HANDLEY 

CROSS  F(JX-HOUNDS,  a  strong,  active,  bold,  enterprisinp: 
Toung  man,  in  tlie  above  capacity.  He  must  be  desperately  fond  of 
hunting,  and  indefatigable  in  the  pursuit  of  it.  He  must  be  shrewd, 
sensible,  good-temiiered,  and  sober;  exact,  civil,  and  cleanly;  a  good 
horseri.an  and  a  good  groom ;  his  voice  must  be  strong,  clear,  and 
musical ;  and  his  eye  sf)  quick,  as  to  perceive  which  of  his  hounds 
carries  the  scent  when  all  are  running  ;  and  he  must  have  so  excellent 
an  ear  as  always  to  distinguish  the  foremost  hounds  when  he  does 
not  see  them.  He  must  be  quiet,  patient,  and  without  an  atom  of 
conceit.  Address  (post  paid),  stating  full  particulars  as  to  age,  size, 
weight,  previous  serv-ice,  &c.,  to  M.P.H.  Johx  Josrooks,  Diana  Lodge, 
Handle}-  Cross  Spa. 

Such  was  the  special  advertisement  that  our  friend 
Mr.  Jon'ocks,  with  the  aid  of  the  editor ,  drew  up  for 
insertion  in  that  frossiping  pul)lication  the  '"  Handley 
Cross  Paul  Pry,"  from  whence  it  was  copied  into  the 
'■  Post,"  and  the  London  sportinj?'  papers  generally, 
producing  an  inuiienae  sensation  in  the  world  of  servitude. 

People  whose  establishments  are  regulated  with  such 
reg^ard  to  laziness,  that  John  knows  whether  it  is  his 
business  to  brush  his  master's  hat,  or  James's,  can  have 
little  idea  how  those  in  middle  life  get  served  at  all,  or 
yet  the  soi-t  of  servants  that  oft'er  themselves  for  anj'^ 
situation  that  may  be  vacant. 

Thus,  gi-eat  Hei-culean  ploughmen  will  offer  them- 
selves as  postillicms,  and  failiug  that,  will  con.sidcr 
themselves  equally  fit  fi>r  l>utlers;  while  fellows  that 
have  never  been  in  a  stable,  will  undfrtak*;  the  cliarge  of 
lun'ses  and  cairiages,  and  drive  if  lequired. 

The  above  striking  advertisoment  soon  caused  Diana 
Tiodge  to  be  besieged  by  all  the  idle,  dog-stealing  raffs 
in  the  country — flash,  slangey-looking^  scamps  in  long 
waistcoats,  greasy  liven'  coats  with  covered  buttons. 
Iiatrgy  breeches,  and  square-toed  gaiters,  Imttoning  in 
fnjnt  of  the  knee.  They  all  s]>oke  in  the  liigiiest  terms 
(»f  tlicniselves,  and  thougii  none  of  them  had  ever 
hunted,  tiiey  all  thought  tiiey'd  "like  it,"  and  one  had 


ISf)  HANDLET  CROSS 

actually  got  so  far  in  a  Imntiiig  establishment,  as  to 
have  been  what  he  called  second  pad  groom — viz.,  a 
helper  at  twelve  sliillinf^s  a  week.  The  followinj?  sample 
will  show  the  general  chai'acter  of  the  correspondence. 

"  Edgebaston. 
"Sir, 

■'  I  am  in  whant  of  a  situation.  Seeing  your  adverts- 
ment  in  the  Life  papey  If  a  greeable  to  you  it  whould  sute 
me  ven-ey  well  I  have  not  been  in  survice  be  fore  I  have 
been  A  Horse  Dealer  for  my  self  and  with  my  Fathei- 
But  I  have  no  doubt  that  I  am  compident  to  take  the 
situation  for  I  been  used  to  hunting  all  my  life  and  have 
rode  in  simi  of  the  furst  Steeple  Chases  in  the  country  I 
can  refure  you  to  John  Cock's  Esq.  Cocks'  Hall,  near 
Beccles.  I  have  been  yoused  to  hunt  with  many  fine 
hounds — Stag  Hounds,  Beagles,  and  all,  and  know  all 
about  them.  I  am  maried  but  no  famley.  onley  my  self 
and  wife.  I  am  28  years  of  age  10  stone  wight  But  as 
foi-  wage  I  shiill  leave  for  you  to  state  if  evei-y  other 
thing  meets  your  approbation  I  have  a  friend  that  is 
Butler  with  Ca])tain  Boxer,  at  Bath,  you  can  right  to 
him  if  you  think  proper  As  E  knows  my  self  and  famely, 

"  I  remain, 

Tours 

Obdiaint 

Servant 

"To  John  Jorrocks,  Esq.,  "  ThOMAS  LoOGAN. 

"  Of  the  Handley  Cross  Hunt 
"  Haiidley  Cross." 

"  Warminster. 
"Sir, 

"On  hearing  you  want  a  huntsman,  I  take  the  liljerty 
of  viTiting  to  enquire  after  the  i^lace  I  thoroly  understand 
my  business  either  as  gi-oom  or  coachman  and  have  been 
accustomed  with  hounds  I  live  at  present  with  John 
Jones  Esq.  at  Warminster  as  groom  and  gardner  where 
I  leave  on  Thursday  first  if  you  want  a  servant  I  shall 
lie  glad  to  serve  you  as  I  am  a  man-ied  man. 

"  Your  obedient  sei-vant, 

"John  Crakethorpe. 

"  To  Mr.  Jobrocks,  Esq., 
"  Hanrtley  Cross." 


huntsman  wanted  187 

"Deak  Sir. 

"  I  take  the  liberty  of  -nTiting  those  Few  Lines  to 
you  Hereing  that  you  are  In  Want  of  A  Servant  And  I 
Am  in  Want  of  A  Situation  If  you  Have  No  Objections 
And  I  have  Been  in  the  Racing  Stables  Seven  Tears 
And  My  Age  is  23  And  Stands  About  65  foot  Gh  And 
My  Wages  Will  be  30<£  A  Tear  And  If  you  thought  I 
Should  Suit  Tou  Direct  to  Mark  Spraggon.  North-fleet 
And  for  My  Caracter  Inquire  of  Major  Banis  of  Horton 
Hall  Near  Tork  And  My  Weight  is  A  bout  0  stone.  I 
nm  disengaged  in  the  woman  way. 

"  To\ir  humble  Servant, 

"  To  J.  .ToKROCKH,  Esq..  "  MaRK  PUNCHEON. 

"  Pox  Hunter,  Handley  Cross." 

"Sir, 

"I  saw  in  your  advertisement  wanted,  a  single 
young  man  as  huntsman  with  a  tow  days  a-week  ]3ack 
of  hounds.  I  should  like  to  know  what  the  celery  will  be, 
as  I  think  I  could  fulfill  this  situation  very  well,  my 
weight  is  {fi  stones.  Please  to  wTite  with  return  of  Post 
about  the  Celery  and  where  the  situation  is,  Tou  will 
much  Oblige 

"  I  renuiin  your  hum])le  Servant, 
"  Mk.  J„RKorKH,  M.F.H."  "  J<5HN   GrEEN. 

"Sir, 

"I  write  these  few  lines  to  inform  you  that  I  have 
seen  in  tlie  Field  ])aper  that  yon  are  in  want  of  a  young 
man  as  liuntsman  to  yovn-  liounds  and  I  have  sent  these 
few  lines  Uj  say  I  am  a  man-ed  man  and  has  a  family 
but  I  cannot  move  my  Wife  for  4  years  to  come  for  I 
liave  K  Boys  at  trade  and  they  get  their  meat  and  lodge 
at  iKtniP  Ho  if  you  rio  not  uet  one  to  suet  you  I  sliould  be 
liapj>y  to  wait,  on  you  if  you  tliink  tliat  1  will  suet  you  I 
liave  lx?en  with  boatii  fox  Hounds  and  HarriiTK  to  take 
care  of  them  in  the  Kennels  and  Hunting  them  in  the 
field  and  I  can  Groom  my  o^vn  Horses  Ut  which  I  like  to 
take  Cur  of  my  own  Horses  allways  as  for  my  Age  is  ')2 
years  and  my  Weight  is  1)  stone  and  lias  been  '>  years  in 
niy  last  sittuation  tmt  I  do  not  wisli  to  give  you  tlip 
trouble  to  write  luuk  if  you  get  one  to  suet  you  for  1 
can  l>e  at  liljcrty  in  a  Week's  Notice,  so  if  you  think  I 


18R  HANPLKY   CROSS 

will  suet  you  my  wages  is  one  Pound  per  Week  and 
meat  in  the  House  likewise,  and  Close  to  luint  in  so 
I  remain 

'■  Your  humble  Servant. 

"  Please  to  Direct  to  "  '^^^^  ^^'^^ 

''  Mr.  John  Cox,  (Huntsman)  Epsom. 

"  To  Mr.  .Iohn  Joreocks, 
"  Master  of  Hounds,  llawdley  Cross." 

Finding  the  applications  by  letter  becoming  numerous, 
Mr.  JoiTOcks  soon  discontinued  answering  those  which 
he  did  not  think  held  out  any  prospect  of  suiting,  biit 
the  following  from  the  well-known  Dick  Bragg  roused 
his  bile  into  the  answer  that  siicceeds : — 

"Dear  Sir. 

"  Seeing  that  you  ai'e  in  wants  of  an  energetic  gent 
to  hunt  your  hounds,  I  beg  to  represent  my  qualifica- 
tions for  the  appointment.  I've  held  office  Sir  in  some 
first  rate  administrations,  yes  Sir,  in  some  first  rate 
administrations  Sir ;  my  Lord  Reynards  Sir  of  Turkey- 
pont  Park  Sir,  the  Duke  of  Downeybird  of  Downeybird 
Castle  Sir,  but  my  precious  health  not  being  quite 
adequate  to  the  mental  exertion  and  bodily  fatigue 
consequent  on  a  four  or  five  days  a  week  establishment, 
I  have  determined  to  sink  the  dignities  of  life  a  little  in 
favor  of  Peace  and  quietness  and  should  have  no  objec- 
tion to  negotiate  an  alliance  with  yoii  for  the  management 
of  your  hounds  and  country. 

'*  One  thing  I  should  stipulate  at  starting,  namely, 
that  if  we  do  not  agree,  you  will  have  the  kindness  not 
mention  this  application  as  it  would  caiise  me  to  lose 
caste  in  the  rank  of  life  in  wliich  I  have  heretofore 
moved. 

''  That,  I  feel  assured  from  your  high  merchantile 
i-eputation  I  may  rely  upon — Yes  Sii*.  I  feel  assurefl  fi-om 
your  high  merchantile  rejiutation  I  may  i-ely  upon — To 
proceed  then — In  coui'se  you  would  allow  me  to  appoint 
my  own  whips,  an  arrangement  that  I  have  always  found 
to  be  most  inducive  to  sport,  for  none  but  a  huntsman 
knows  whether  his  whips  play  propei-ly  into  his  hands 
or  not,  and  there  is  nothing  like  having  the  power  to 
tuni  them  off  for  making  them  to  do  as  they  ought.  I 
don't  hold  with  Beckford  that  a  first  whip  sliould  be  a 
second  hiintsman.     No  Sir.  no  —I  say.  a  whipper-in  can 


HUNTSMAN   WANTED  189 

Vje  made,  but  a  huntsman's  talent  must  be  born  with  liim 
—I  should  basely  dissemljle  if  I  hesitated  to  declare  that 
in  sporting  science  my  abilities  shall  yield  to  none.  I 
will  hunt  a  fox  with  any  man— with  the  great  Lord 
Elcho  himself  I 

"To  descend  to  particulars  however;  perhaps  yovi"ll 
allow  me  to  ask  what  your  salary  is — also  what  the  di'aft 
hounds  may  be  worth  yearly  per  annum,  and  what  you 
think  the  vails  will  come  to  —Also  if  I  shall  be  allowed 
a  boy  to  brush  my  clothes  and  clean  my  boots,  as  I 
shouldn't  like  to  have  any  dirty  work  to  do— A  line  to 
the  Corner  will  find  me,  and  hoping  to  establish  a 
mutually  advantageous  connection,  I  l>eg  to  subscribe 
myself 

'■  Yoiu's  obediently, 

"Richard  Bragg. 

'■P.S. — '  Quick'  should  be  the  word,  as  such  a  chance 
doesn't  offer  every  day. 

"  Tu  — Joi;nocKKs,  flsy.,  M.F.H., 
"  Ac,  &c.,  &c., 
"Handlcy  Cross." 

Jorrocks  was  desijerately  angry  when  he  got  tliis.  He 
grinned  with  rage  when  he  read  it,  to  think  that  any  one 
should  think  he  was  such  a  fool  as  to  l^e  takrn  in  l)y  it. 
At  first  he  was  for  writing  Dick  a  stiif  "  M.F.H.  John 
JoiTocks  presents  his  compliments "'  note,  but  thinking 
that  would  not  be  sufficient  relief  to  his  mind,  he  turned 
liis  attention  to  an  aliusive  letter  calling  Dick  all  sorts 
of  (;onceited  cock-  tail  humbugs,  which  he  sjn-awled  over 
a  sheet  of  fool6ca[)  with  liis  great  round  school-l>oy 
liand.  wlien  it  occurred  to  him  that  tiie  banter  tack 
would  lie  more  telling  and  mortifying,  so  after  a  good 
deal  of  consideration  he  concocted  the  following: — 

"SlK, 

■■  I  iim  werry  mucli  obliged  by  your  purlitc  com- 
munication, and  much  regret  tliat  it  did  not  come  a 
little  sooner,  as  I  thinks  you  seem  jest  the  sort  of  man 
— I  }«g  pardon— gentleman  1  want. — I  doesn't  care  a 
dump  about  money  further  nor  as  it  enables  one  to 
pursue  the  pleasures  o'  the  chace,  and  if  you'd  shown  us 
the  first  chop  sport  you  propose.  Id  he  given  you  sich 
a  kick  at  Christmas  aa  would  have  sent  you  right  Imp 
into  the  first  class  caiTiage  of  service,  and  I  makes  no 


190  HANDLEY  CROSS 

doubt  my  exaniple  would  have  been  followed  by  all  the 
generously  disposed  cocks  of  my  'unt.  Unfortunately 
the  appointment  is  filled  up,  though  perhaps  ^lOOa-year, 
and  perquisites  by  fair  means  or  foul — which  in  course 
I  winks  at,  to  the  tune  of  .£50  more  -might  not  have 
been  worth  your  consideration,  though  Christmas 
presents  would  make  the  salary  up  good  ^£200  a-year.  I 
does  all  the  dirty  work  myself,  and  you  might  have  worn 
wite  kids  on  non-'unting  days. 

'■  Yours  to  serve. 

"John  JoiiiiocKS. 

"  G rocer,  Tea  dealer,  iiud  M.  V.U. 
"To  Mu.  RiCH.vun  Ukagg, 

"  Messrs.  Tattersall's, 
"  Hyde  Park  Corner,  Loudon." 

'"Here's  a  cove  vants  you,"  said  Benjamin,  as  lie 
brought  in  a  candle  to  seal  the  foregoing. 

"  Vants  me,"  repeated  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  "who  can  it  be ?" 

Benjamin. — "Don't  know — von't  tell  me — says  his 
name's  Pigg — couies  from  the  north — Scotland,  I  should 
think  by  his  tongue." 

Mr.  JoiTOcks. — "  Pigg— humph — Scotland — humph — 
Shouldn't  wonder  if  he's  one  of  these  place-'unting  coves 
— the  town's  full  of  them.— Never  saw  an  advei-tisement 
work  so. — There,"  continued  he,  as  he  finished  sealing 
the  letter.  "  take  that  to  the  Post,  and  mind  you  don't 
pick  the  'ead  oft';  and  here,  Binjiniin,"  continued  Jor- 
rocks,  "  send  the  Pigg  in ! " 

"Yez-ir,"  said  Benjamin,  taking  his  dei^arture. 


CHAPTER    XX 


JAMES   PIGG 


ScAECELY  had  Mr.  Jorrocks  composed  himself  in  his 
red  morocco  audience  chair,  ere  a  sledge-hummer  sort 
of  blow  at  the  door  announced  the  approach  of  the 
sti-angrei'. 


=^r! 


"Come  in  I"  roared  llic  M.F.II.  in  a  ci.rreKpondinf,' 
tone,  and  the  order  Vicing  oljeyed,  our  friend  had  ;i  view 
of  his  callf-r. 

He  wa8  a  tall,  bpindle-shanked  iiiiin,  inclining  to 
bald,  with  tiowiug  grey-streaken  lock,  nhading  a  shai-p- 
featurcfl,  weather-beaten  face,  lit  up  with  bright  hazed 


192  HANDLEY  CROSS 

eyes.  A  drop  hung  at  his  nose,  and  tobacco  juice  sim- 
mered down  tlie  deeply  indented  fiu-rows  of  liis  chin. 
His  dress  was  a  strange  mixtiu-e  of  smart-coloured, 
misfitting  clothes.  A  blue  and  white  cotton  kerchief 
was  twisted  carelessly  round  his  scraggy  neck — a  gi'een- 
baize  jacket,  with  the  back  l^uttons  almost  between  his 
shoulders,  flattened  upon  a  pair  of  baggy  dirty-white 
cords,  between  which,  and  a  little  i"ed  waistcoat,  a  vast 
protuberance  of  soiled  linen  appeai-ed.  His  shrunk  drab 
mother-of-pearl  buttoned  gaiters  dragged  upon  an  ill- 
shaped  leg,  making  his  stooping,  lathy  figure  more 
ungainly,  and  the  scantiness  of  his  ui^per  garments 
more  apparent.  His  hands,  encased  in  shiny  yellow 
ochre-coloured  gloves,  were  thrust  a  long  way  through 
the  little  jacket  sleeves,  between  which  and  the  gloves, 
coarse  dirty  wrist-bands  appeared— one  hand  clutched  a 
boy's  turned-up  hat,  and  the  other  rested  on  a  rugged 
oak  staff. 

"  Himipli  I "  grunted  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  he  eyed  him, 
observing  aloud  to  himself,  '"  Vot  a  long-legged  beggar 
it  is,"  inwardly  resolving  he  wouldn't  do. 

"  Your  sarvant,  Sir,"  said  the  figure,  shuftiing  the  little 
hat  into  the  staff  hand,  Avhile  he  raised  the  other  to  his 
forehead,  and  kicked  out  Ijehind.  "  Heard  tell  ye  was  in 
wants  of  a  hontsmau." 

"  Humph,"  grimted  Mr.  Jorrocks  again.  "  you  don't 
look  much  like  (^ne.    Vei'e  d'ye  come  from  ?  " 

"  Cannynewcassel,"  replied  Pigg.  "  A,  ar's  frae  Har- 
wich last,"  added  he,  '"  but  ar's  a  native  of  Paradise, 
aside  Cannynewcassel — ye'll  ken  Cannynewcassel,  nae 
doubt,"  observed  he,  running  the  words  together. 

"Carn't  say  as  'ow  I  do,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks 
thoughtfxTlly,  still  eyeing  the  bird  of  Paradise.  "Is  it 
any  way  near  Dundee  ?  " 

"  Dundee !  no — what  should  put  that  i'  your  head  ?  " 
snajiped  Pigg. 

"  Wot  should  put  that  i'  my  'ead ! "  retorted  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, boiling  up.     "  Vy,  it  must  be  near  somewhere  !  " 

"  Near  somewhere ! "  now  exclaimed  Pigg,  indignant 
at  tlie  slight  thus  put  on  his  famous  city.  "Why  it's  a 
great  town  of  itsel' — ye  surely  ken  Newcassel  where  arle 
the  coals  come  frae  ?  " 

"  You  said  Candied  Newcassel,"  enunciated  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  slowly  and  emphatically — "you  said  Candied 
Newcassel,"  repeated  he,  "  from  which  I  natterally 
concluded  it  was  near  Dundee,  where  they  make  the 
candied  confectionary.    I  get  my  marnieylad  from  thei-e. 


JAMES   PIGG  193 

I'm  not  Bucli  a  liiguorant  liass,"  contiuued  lie,  "  as  not 
to  know  where  ISewcastle  is.  I've  been  i'  Scotland 
myself  !  Durham  at  least." 

They  then  took  a  good  long  stare  at  each  other,  each 
thinking  the  other  a  "rum  im.' 

JoiTOcks  gave  tongue  first.  "  Wot  'oimds  have  you 
been  with  ?  "  asked  he. 

'■  A — a  vast,"  replied  Pigg,  "  yen  way  and  another." 

"  Yen  way  and  another,"  muttered  Mr.  Jorrocks,  still 
eyeing  him  intently. 

"Aye,  ar  ken  all  the  hounds  amaist.  Tyndale,  and 
D'oiTu,  and  Horworth,  and  arl." 

"  Ah,  but  those  'iU  be  Scotch  dogs,"  observed  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  "a  country  I  knows  nothm'  whatever  on — 
have  you  been  in  any  civilized  country?" 

"Aye,  civil,  aye,  they're  all  civil  enough— "gin  ye're 
civil  to  them.  If  ye  set  up  yoiu-  gob,  they'll  mump  it, 
ar's  wam'd." 

"  No— no— that's  not  wot  I  mean,  retorted  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, getting  angry  and  shuffling  aboiit  in  his  seat.  "  I 
wants  to  know  if  you've  ever  been  in  any  of  the  crack 
countries  ? " 

"  Cracked  coimtries,"  repeated  Pigg  thoughtfully, 
scratching  his  head— "'cracked  countries,  aye — yeas— 
Waiieseud." 

"No!  no  I'  growled  Mr.  Jorrocks,  kicking  out  his 
legs,  "  any  of  the  cut  'em  down  and  'ang  'em  up  to  dry 
countries  ?  "  asked  uui'  master,  thinking  to  exterminate 
PigK  and  be  done. 

"  "Why— no— ar  hannut,"  di-awled  Pigg,  twiddling  his 
hat  aljout. 

"  Ah  then,  you'll  not  do  for  me,"  replied  our  friend, 
with  a  suiwrcilious  cliuck  of  the  chin. 

"Why,  why.  sir,''  rc])li<'(l  Pi;/^,  "ye  ken  best." 

"  Ye  ken  V^est,"  rei>eated  Mr.  Jorrocks,  aloud  to  himself, 
adding,  "what  a  rum  begpar  it  is.  to  be  sure. " 

Tliey  then  kej>t  eyein^j  each  other  again  for  a  while. 

"  C'o«-fouuded  nulHiince,"  muttered  Mr.  Jorrocks  to 
himself,  "not  l>eing  al)le  to  get  an  "untsman,"  recollect- 
ing the  boiled  lobstej-,  Pla8t<ir  of  Paris  Poll  Pairot 
merchant,  and  other  scenes.  "Co;; -founded  nuisance 
indeed."    Then  he  thought  he'd  sound  Pigg  apain. 

"Do  you  think  now,"  continued  he,  speakiuK  very 
slowly,  and  looking-  very  intently  at  the  api)licant, — 
'"do  you  think  now  you're  ekle  to  my  place?  lirst-rate 
establishment,  splendid  pack  of  'ounds,  inwalualde 
'osses,  swell  coxmtry,  critical  field." 

o 


194  HANDLEY   CROSS 

"  Why.  iiuw,  it's  not  for  me  to  say,"  replied  PigjS, 
tuniiug-  his  quid,  "  but  ar's  fond  o'  hunds,  and  ar'd  de 
my  best  te  please  ye."' 

"Well,"  thought  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "that's  sunimnt  at  all 
events,  let  me  be  master,  which  is  agreeable.  Wouldn't 
ha'  been  so  with  Mr.  Bra^g,  I  guess.  You  can  ride,  I 
s'pose  ? "  observed  he,  addressing  the  applicant  in  a 
more  conciliatory  tone. 

Pigg. — "  Ride !  ay,  ar  wish  ar'd  uout  else  te  de." 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "'  And  clean  an  'oss  ?  " 

Pigg. — "  Aye,  ne  doubt, — (/rum  him,  that's  to  say." 

"  You'll  be  weiTy  keen,  I  s'pose  ?  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
brightening  as  he  went. 

"  Ar's  varra  hungi-y,  if  that's  wliat  ye  mean,"  replied 
Pigg,  after  a  moment's  consideration. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  I  means,  you'll  be  despera- 
tion fond  of  'untiug." 

"Pond  o  himtin'!  Oh  faith  is  I — there's  noui  like 
huntin'." 

"  Dash  my  vig !  so  say  1 1 "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
still  brightening  up,  "  so  say  I !  it's  the  real  Daffy's 
Elixir !  The  Cordial  Balm  o'  Gilead !  The  concentrated 
Essence  o'  Joy  I — Vot  weight  ai"e  you  ?  you're  long  in 
the  leg,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  svii'veying  hmi  from 
head  to  foot. 

"  Ar's  lang,  but  ar's  leet,"  replied  Pigg,  looking  do\vn 
at  his  spindle  shanks,  "ar's  sure  ar  dinna  ken  what  ar 
weighs — may  be  elivin  stun." 

"  In  course  you're  a  bachelor  ? "  observed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks. 

"  Oh  quite,"  replied  Pigg,  "  ar  never  fashes  the  women 
folk." 

Mr.  JoiTOcks. — "  Vot's  yom-  pedigree  ?  'ow  are  you 
Ijred,  in  fact  ?  " 

Pigg.  —  "  A — why  —  sink  "  —  hesitated  the  speaker, 
twisting  the  hat  about  hurriedly,  "ar  dinna  ken  nout 
about  that.  Ar  de  believe  though,  gin  ar  had  me  dues, 
ar'd  be  a  geu'lman  this  day — only  ye  see,  sir,  you  see," 
continued  he,  "  ma  fore  elder  John,  ye  see  John  Pigg, 
willed  away  arle  wor  brass  to  the  Formory,  ye  see,  and 
left  me  wi  faii-ly  nout.  Gin  ye  gan  to  the  Newcassel 
Formory,  ye'll  see  arle  aljoot  it,  in  great  goud  letters, 
clagged  agin  the  walls.  Sink  !  but  he'd  better  ha  gien 
me  it." 

"  Hmnph,"  grunted  Mr.  Jorrocks,  not  catching  a  quarter 
of  this  hurried  run-together  sentence.  "  Humph,"  re- 
peated he,  looking  him  over  attentively,  thinking  how  to 


JAMES  PIGG  195 

get  ]iim  to  speak  English.     "Wot  d'ye  say  your  father 
wabi'"  at  length  asked  he. 

Pigg. — "An,  ar  dimia  ken  novit  aVjout  that;  ar's  heard 
tell  ar  was  dropped  somewhere  i'  Canny  Newcassel,  but 
ar'  niver  kenned  ne  l>ody  i'  the  shape  o'  father  or  friend 
hut  mar  coosin  Deavilboger — you'll  hav'  heard  tell  of 
mar  coosin  Deavilboger,  ne  doot.'' 

"  Can't  say  as  'ow  I  have,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks ;  "  is 
he  a  gi'eat  man  for  the  "unt  ?  " 

'■  No,  de'il  a  bit,'"  laughed  Pigg,  "  it  was  just  that  we 
fell  out  about.  Says  Deavilboger  to  me  yen  mornin',  as 
I  was  gannin  to  Gosfoi-th  Gates  to  see  the  hunds  throw 
off,  says  he  to  me  says  he,  "  If  thou  doesn't  yoke  thy  cart 
and  gan  and  lead  tormots,  thou  needn't  fash  thyself  to 
come  back  here  ony  more;  ar'll  have  ne  gentlemen 
sportsmen  'liout  mai-  fai-m.' 

"Says  ar  to  Deavilboger,  "Deavilboger,"  says  ar,  'thoii 
surely  wadn't  grudge  a  man  the  matter  of  a  hiuit,  ar 
that's  always  i'  the  way  and  ready  to  oblige ; '  but  he's  a 
deuce  of  a  man  when  lie's  angered  is  mar  coosin  Deavil- 
lx)ger,  and  he  swore  and  cussed  that  if  ar  went  ar  shouldn't 
come  back — A,  a,  a,  how  he  did  swear  and  cuss — ar  really 
think  he  didn't  leave  a  part  o'  me  uncussed  'cept  my 
teeth  and  nails,  so  ye  see  we  quarrelled  and  parted  ye 
see." 

"  But  he's  a  good  man  i'  the  nuiin,  is  mar  cousin 
Deavilboger,"  continued  Pigg.  "only  he  canna  bear  tlie 
Inmds,  and  as  sure  as  iver  winter  cam  round  the  Deiivil 
an'  I  were  sure  to  have  a  dust;  but  that's  all  done  now 
and  ended,  so  ar'll  ahvays  sjtcak  well  o'  tlie  ard  Deavil. 
for  he  was  a  good  frind  to  me,  and  gav'  me  monny  an 
ard  suit  o'  claes,  and  monny  a  lialf-cro\vnat  the  Cow  Hill 
and  such  like  times— dare  say  he  gave  me  this  very  hat 
ar  hev  i'  my  band."  continued  Pigg,  thrusting  out  the 
little  chapeau  as  he  spoke. 

"  Can  you  'unt  a  pack  of  'ounds  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
wishing  to  get  Pigg  on  tu  the  old  tack. 

"  Why  now  it's  nut  for  me  to  say."  replied  Pigg,  "  but 
ar's  used  to  hunds.  and  ar's  fond  o'  hunds.  aiid  have 
travelled  all  o'er  the  world  amaist— Bliss  ye,  all  tlie 
rtportin'  gentlemen  ken  me.  King  o'  Hungary  and  all !  " 

"Well,  you  shall  oat  as  yuu'rc  'ungry,"  replied  Mr. 
JoiTocks,  not  catching  the  last  sentence,  "  Ijut  1  wants 
to  know  more  about  you  and  your  pretensions  —  an 
'untsman  holds  a  conspikioiis  place  in  the  world's  eye, 
and  it  be'oves  an  M.F.H.  to  Ix)  weri-y  'tickler  wot'un  a 
one  he  solectn.    Tell  me  now,  can  you  holloa  'f  ' 


196  HANDLEY   CROaS 

"Hoop,  and  holloa,  aiulTALH-Ho!"  exclaimed  Pi^g,  at 
the  top  of  liis  voice,  his  eyes  sparkling  with  animation. 

■'  Gently,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  partaking  of  his 
enthusiasm,  "  you'll  frighten  the  ladies ;  tell  me  now,  wot 
wage  do  yon  want  ?  " 

"  What  wage  ?  A  ar  dinne  ken ! — we'll  not  differ  'bout 
the  matter  o'  wage— What  is  ar  to  de  ?  " 

*'  Vy.  3'ou'll  have  to  'unt  and  feed  the  'ounds,  clean  two 
'osses,  look  arter  the  tackle ;  see  that  all's  on  the  square, 
in  fact." 

"Ai"  can  de  all  that,"  re^jlied  Pigg,  "and  break  yeer 
'ard  bones  into  the  bargain. ' 

"Humph!    Wen*y  kind,"' grunted  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"  Ar  mean  'ard  kennel  bones,"  explained  Pigg,  seeing 
Mr.  Jori'ocks  looked  irate. 

"  Oh,  I  twig,"  replied  our  master,  resuming  his  smile, 
"  In-eak  'em  for  the  fanners — for  tm-nip  manure,  in  fact — 
We'll  go  on  'bout  the  wage."' 

"  Ar'd  like  to  have  my  vittels  i'  the  house,  if  you  have 
ne  objection,"  resumed  Pigg. 

"In  the  'oiise,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  considering,  "I 
doesn't  know  about  that — to  be  sure  you  are  light  i'  the 
girth,  and  don't  look  like  a  great  grubber,  biit  'unting 
makes  one  wen-y  'ungry." 

"  Bless  ye,  ar  eat  nont,"  replied  Pigg,  rubbing  his  hand 
over  his  stomach,  to  show  how  fiat  it  was, "  and  ar'd  take 
a  vast  less  wage  gin  ar  were  fund  in  the  house." 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "  S'pose,  then,  we  say  eighteen  pounds, 
your  meat,  and  a  suit  of  clothes." 

Pigg.— "Say  twenty,  and  aril  find  mysel', — ar've  a 
capital  cap  ai'  got  in  a  raffle,  and  a  red  coat  'ai*d 
Sebright  gave  me." 

"No,  no."'  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "none  of  your  cast- 
oft's.  The  'Andley  Cross  "ounds  must  be  tiuTied  out 
properly." 

"Well,  then,"  replied  Pigg,  "  you  mun  hev  it  your  own 
way ;  see  gi'  us  my  arles." 

"  Your  wot  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

Pigg. — "My  arles!  we  always  get  arles  i'  wor  country."' 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "  Wot  all  your  wittles  at  once  ?  " 

Pigg. — "  No,  man— sir,  ar  mean — summut  to  bind  bar- 
gain like." 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "I  twig!  See,  there's  a  shillin'  for  you. 
No^y  go  and  get  yom-  dinner— be  werry  keen,  mind." 

Pigg  ducked  his  head  as  he  took  the  money,  and 
slouched  joyfully  out  of  the  room. 

Jorrocks  then  threw  himself  back  in  his  red  morocco 


.TAMER  rrrio  197 

liiintin£j-c'li.iir.  Itoj^ino-  ho  uiifflit  miswor,  ainl  wisliin^'' 
that  he  hadn't  l.ieeii  rather  precipitate  in  the  bargain. 
If  Pi^g  didn't  suit,  his  boots  wouldn't  fit  anybody  else. 
Still  he  looked  more  promising  tlian  any  of  the  others, 
and  Jorrocks  hoped  he  was  keen. 

"  It  might  ha'  lieen  better  p'raiis,"  said  he.  as  he  took 
up  a  leg  to  nurse,  and  entered  upon  a  study  of  the  ceiling 
— ■■  it  might  ha'  ])een  better  if  I'd  made  some  inquiries 
about  him— but  confound  it,  wot  tradesman  can  tell 
anything  about  an  'untsman.  and  who  else  could  I  ask  I 
Anythiug's  better  nor  Bin  l)ellowin'  "  boiled  lobsters ' 
arter  one.  or  the  'oimds  i-umiin'  into  Plaster  o'  Paris 
Poll  PaiTot  merchant's.  Con-found  it,"  continued  Jor- 
rocks. shaking  his  head,  ""  Mr.  Payne  and  Goodhall,  and 
these  swells  i"  the  cut-me-downs,  do  tlie  thing  so  easy, 
that  it  makes  us  fools  o'  natur'  think  we  can  do  the 
same,  but  dash  my  buttons,  findin'  a  fox  and  killin'  on 
'im  are  werry  different  things."  Then  JoiTOcks's  run- 
away imagination  earned  him  riglit  into  the  cut-me-down 
countries;  to  Misterton,  to  Arthingworth,  to  Bardon 
Hall  with  Sir  Richard,  to  Cvoxton  Park  with  the 
Belvoir. 


CHAPTER    XXI 


A.   FRIGHTFUL   COLLISION  !       BECKFORD   V.   BEN 

owY  friend  fancied  himself 
luxuriating  in  a  run  with  the 
Cottesmore  from  the  top  of 
Ranksborough  Hill,  he  was 
suddenly  disturbed  by  a  loud 
cry  of— 

"Murder!   Miu-der!   Murder! 
Here,    Sir!    Here!"    and   Ben- 
jamin came  bursting?  into  the 
room  with   anger  and  fear  de- 
picted in  his  face,  exclaiming,', 
"Please,    Sir!    here.    Sir!    that 
f-reat   hugly  beast's  taken  the 
shoulder    o'    mutton    onto    his 
plate,    and    swears    the    taters 
and  gravy  are  good  enough  for 
Betsay  and  me." 
"Taken  the  shoulder  of  mutton  onto  his  plate,"  re- 
peated Mr.  Jorrocks  in  astonishment.  "  impossible,  Bin- 
jimin  !  the  man  told  me  he  had  no  appetite  at  all." 

"  Oh.  Init  he  /las,"  retorted  Benjamin  with  redoubled 
energy,  "and  he  swears  he'll  pick  his  teeth  with  the 
bone,  and  break  my  'ead  with  it  when  he's  done— I  never 
see'd  such  a  great  hugly  beast  in  all  my  life." 

"  Veil,  I'll  go  and  see  arter  this,"  said  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
shaking  his  head,  and  buttoning  up  his  breeches  pockets, 
as  he  rose  from  his  chair  with  the  air  of  a  man  deter- 
mined to  show  fight. 


"  How  NOW ! "  roared  Jorrocks.  bursting  into  the 
kitchen,  to  the  astonishment  of  James  Pigg,  who,  knife 
in  hand,  was  cutting  away  at  the  shoulder  of  mutton,  to 
the  infinite  indignation  of  Betsay,  who  seemed  about  to 
contend  for  lier  share  of  the  prog. 


A  FRianTFUT,  collision!    beckford  v.  ben     199 

■  How  NOW  I  "  rej)eatecl  Mv.  Jon-ocks  in  a  still  louder 
\oice,  which  had  the  effect  of  making  Pi.eg  drop  the 
mutton  and  jump  up  from  the  table. 

"  Didn't  you  tell  me,"  said  Mr.  JoiTocks,  speaking  vei-y 
slowly  at  the  commencement,  and  boiling  up  as  he  went 
on,  "  didn't  you  tell  me  as  "ow  that  you  hadn't  no  happe- 
tite,  and  yet  I  finds  you  seizin'  tlie  meat  wot's  to  serve 
the  kitchen  for  dinner  and  the  parlour  for  lunch.— Vot 
do  you  mean  by  sich  haudacity,  you  gi-eat  long-legged 
Scotch  sinner ! " 

■■  "Ord  bliss  ye.''  replied  Pigg,  "  ar  was  nabbut  teasin' 
yon  bit  bowdekite,"  jjointing  to  Benjamin ;  "  mar  appe- 
tite may  l)e  a  bit  brisker  this  morn  than  at  most  times, 
for  ar  had  a  lang  walk,  but  ar  wasn't  gannin'  to  eat  all 
the  grub;  only  that  bit  liastard  wad  set  uy  his  gob,  and 
say  ar  was  to  }je  in  onder  him,  see  ar  thought  ar'd  jist 
let  him  see  whether  or  no  at  startin'.'' 

■•  Veil,  but."  i-eplied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  calmly,  l)ut  firmly. 
'■  figlitin'  von't  do :  I  doesn't  grudge  yoTi  the  matter  o' 
the  mutton,  Init  there  must  be  unaniuiity  and  concord, 
or  we  shalln't  kill  no  foxes.     Binjimin's  a  fine  bouy," 
continued  he,  looking  at  him,  "  and  will  fulfil  tlie  duties 
of  his  station,  by  which  means  alone  a  man  can  rise  to 
heminence   and    distinction — hem!    get    fat    and    rich, 
werry  great  things,  hem !  -give  satisfaction,  and  gain 
unWiuuded  applause,  hem !  —  so  now  jest  be'ave^  and 
settle  yourselves  (iiuetly  to  your  dinners,  and  dcm't  let 
me  have  any  more  nonsense  "—saying  which  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks walked  delilieratcly  out  of  tlie  kitchen,  and  shut 
the  door  loudly  upon  the  party.    But  though  our  worthy 
friend  had  thus  apjjarently  settled  the  difficulty,  he  was 
too  good  a  judge  m^t  to  see  the  imiiortance  of  an  early 
understanding  between  Pigg  and  Benjamin  as  to  their 
reliitive  situations  ;  and,  as  the  latter  had  to  be  lowered 
to  tlie  advancement  of  the  former.  Mr.  JuiTOcks  had  to 
summon   all   his   dextenty  to   reduce   the   one  without 
giving  a  triumjih  to  the  other.     Not  that  Ben  would 
have  been  difficult  to  replace,  or  indeed  any  loss,  but  Mr. 
JoiTocks  did  not  like  hjsing  all  the  trainiut,'-  hi-,  liad  given 
him,  and  which  lie  still  flattered  hiiuHclf  would  work  him 
into  a  good  an<l  cheap  seiwant.     Besiih's,  .Jorrocks  had 
committed  liimsfdf  to  Ben  by  ordering  him  another  pair 
of  top  boots  in  lieu  of  the  brown  pajjer  ones,  and  it  was 
hoi>ele88  exjjccting  U)  get  another  jiair  of  legs  that  they 
would   fit.      Mr.   JoiTocks    knfw   the    l)oy   too   well    to 
suppose  that  he  would  easily  brook   hnviug  nny  oiu;  i)ut 
over  him,  and  the  way  of  doing  it  occupied  our  mastei-'s 


2fX)  n\NDLKY   CRORR 

thoufihta  all  tlio  aftenioou.  aucl  tlirougli  Iub  dinner.  As 
the  shades  of  evening"  were  succeeded  hy  wintei'"s  dark- 
ness, and  Mr.  Jon-ocks  liad  emptied  his  third  l)paker  of 
brandy  and  watei-,  he  stiri-ed  liis  fire,  iind  i-aiit,'  for 
candles. 

Benjamin  speedily  appeared,  hnt.  instead  of  allowing 
the  youth  to  dei>art  upon  hring-ing  the  composites,  he 
ordered  him  to  take  a  chair  on  the  other  side  of  the 
table,  and  listen  to  what  lie  had  to  say.  Mr.  Jorrocks 
then  arranged  the  candles  so  that  one  threw  a  light  on 
the  boy  and  the  other  on  his  book,  without  their  being 
too  near  the  fire  to  suffer  from  the  heat.  Thus  jire- 
pared,  he  gave  the  fire  a  finishing  poke,  and  clearing  the 
voice  with  a  substantial  liem !  addressed  the  boy  as 
follows : — 

"  Now,  Binjimin.'"  said  he,  "the  "igli  road  to  fame  and 
to  fortin'  is  open  to  you — ^there  is  no  saying  what  keen- 
ness, combined  with  sagacity  and  cleanliness,  may 
accomplish.  You  have  all  the  ingredients  of  a  great 
man  about  you,  and  liopportunity  only  is  wantin'  to 
dewelope  them." 

"  Yez-ir,"  said  Benjamin,  assenting  to  the  proposition. 

"  Tou  must  eschew  tip-cat,  and  mai'ljles,  and  takin' 
backs  from  bouys  i"  the  streets,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
"and  tvirn  the  maincock  o'  your  mind  entirely  on  to 
what  Mr.  Delme  Radcliffe  well  calls  the  Noble  Science." 

"Yez-ir,"  assented  Benjamin  again. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  paused,  for  it  was  as  fai"  as  he  had 
aiTanged  matters  in  his  mind,  and  the  answer  i-athei- 
put  him  out.  "Now,  Binjimin,"  at  length  resumed  he, 
opening  his  book  appai'ently  at  random  as  he  spoke, 
"this  book  is  the  werry  Ijest  book  wot  ever  was  -ftTitten. 
and  is  worth  all  other  works  put  togetlier.  It  is  the 
himmoi-tal  Peter  Beckford's  Thoughts  upon  'Unting. 
Thoughts  upon  'Unting ! "  repeated  Mr.  Jorrocks,  cast- 
ing up  his  eyes  to  the  ceiling.  "  My  vig,  wot  a  title ! 
Take  any  page  of  the  book  you  like,  and  it's  full  of 
reason  and  genuine  substantial  knowledge.  See ! "  said 
Ml'.  Jorrocks,  "  I've  opened  it  at  page  268,  and  how  his 
opinions  tally  with  my  own. 

" '  Hegemess  and  impetuhosity,'  says  he,  '  are  such 
essential  paiis  of  this  diwei-sion,  that  I  am  never  more 
sui-prised  than  when  I  see  a  fox-'unter  without  them.' 
Ohai-ming  idea  I "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  looking  up 
again  at  the  ceiling.  "  Dash  my  vig  I  how  ti-ue  it  is. 
W  lio  ever  heard  of  a  lazy  fox-'unter  ?  A  man  may  be 
late  for  everything — late  to  bed.  late  to  breakfast,  late 


A   FRTOHTFTJI,   COLLISION  I     RECKFOTID   ?'.   HEN       201 

to  the  lord  mayor's  show— but  if  he's  a  real  out-aud- 
outer,  hell  uever  be  late  at  the  kiver  side.  Vot,  I  ax. 
should  be  done  with  a  man  wot  is  slack  ?  Wot  should 
l>e  done  with  a  man  wot  is  slack,  I  axes  you.  Binjimin  ?  " 
rei^eated  Mr.  Jorrocks,  after  pausing  for  an  answei-. 

Benjamin  was  beat  for  a  reply;  but  seeing  his  master's 
glisteniniff  optics  fixed  upon  him,  he  at  length  drawled 
out,  "  Don't  know,  I'm  sure." 

"  Don't  know,  you  l)ep:g:ar !  "  responded  Mr.  Jorrocks. 
]»nstlinjgr  as  he  spoke,  "I'll  tell  you  then,  you  warmint. 
He  should  1)6  "ung— choked— tucked  up  short,  in  fact! " 

■'  Yez-ir."  said  Benjamin,  quite  asrreeable. 

'■  Now  then,'"  continued  Mr.  JoiTocks,  searching  in  the 
table  of  contents  for  the  chapter  he  wanted,  "  I  wants 
to  tell  you  what  the  {?reat  Mr.  Beckford  says  about  the 
vipper-in,  and  I  begs  you'll  pay  "tickler  'tention  to  it.  for 
every  word  deserves  to  be  jorinted  i'  letters  o"  gold,  and 
then,  when  you  understand  the  duties  o'  your  hoffice. 
James  Pigg  and  you  will  go  'and-in-'and  together,  like 
the  sign  of  the  Mutual  Assurance  hofiBce.  and  we  shall 
liave  no  more  -nTanglin'  about  shoulders  o'  miitton  or 
who's  to  have  the  upper  'and. — 'Unting  is  a  thing,"  con- 
tinued the  M.F.H..  "wot  admits  of  no  diwersity  of 
opinion— no  diwision  of  interests.  We  must  be  all  on 
one  side  like  the  'andle  of  a  tin -pot,  or  like  Bridgenoi-tli 
election.  The  master,  the  'ounds,  and  the  servants,  are 
one  great  unity,  radiatin'  fi-om  a  common  centre,  like 
the  threads  of  a  Bedfordshire  Ijobbin  ]jillow — hem— and 
all  soi-t  o' thing— Now,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  turning 
to  the  book,—"  here's  the  chapter  wot  I  wonts.— No.  9, 
page  one  hundred  and  twenty-two,  and  agaiii.  let  me 
entreat  your  eaniest  attention."  Mr.  Jori-ocks  then 
commenced  reading  as  follows: — 

'■  With  regard  to  the  vipi)er-in.  he  should  be  attentive 
and  otedient  to  the  'untsman ;  '—attentive  and  obedient 
to  the  'nntsman,  you  hear,  Binjimin.  that  is  to  say. 
always  on  the  hxjk-ont  for  orders,  and  ready  to  obey 
them— not 'anging  back,  slniflliir,  ;md  <i-yin'  to'shii-k  'r-m. 
but  cheerful  ;ind  wiliiii";  'iiiid  iis  his"  'oss.'  says  the 
iiiimoi-tal  aiitlioi,  ■  will  j)rol>ably  have  most  to  do,  the 
lighter  he  is  the  l>etti^r.  though  if  he  lie  a  good  'ossman 
the  oV)jection  of  his  weight  will  he  s\ifticiently  counter- 
balanced.' 

"  Then  mark  what  he  says— 

"'  He  irmstnot  l^e  coneeit-f'd.'— Tliat's  abeuutiful  idee," 
observed  Mi-.  Jorrocks.  fixiriu'  his  eyes  on  the  boy,  "and 
one  to  which  1  ninst  'eartilv  muv  "  (litto.' 


202  TTANBLKY   CROSS 

'"Ho  must  not  be  conceited !'  No,  imleecl  he  must 
not,  if  he's  to  serve  under  me,  and  wishes  to  "scape  the 
■quaintance  of  my  l)ig  vip.  No  conceited  beggar  will 
ever  do  for  J.  J.  'I  had  one  fomerly,' "  continued  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  reading  on,  '"who,  'st«ad  of  stoppin'  the 
"ounds  as  he  ought,  would  try  to  kill  a  fox  hj  himself. 
This  fault  is  unpai'donable.' 

"  Dash  my  vig  if  it  isn't,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  a 
nasty,  dirty,  shabby,  selfish  trick  into  the  bargain.— 'Ow 
I  would  trounce  a  chap  wot  I  caught  at  that  game— I'd 
teach  him  to  kill  foxes  by  himself.  But  "ark  to  me 
again,  Binjimin. 

"  '  He  shoidd  always  maintahi  to  the  'untsman's  holloa, 
and  stop  such  "ounds  as  diwide  from  it.' 

"  That's  excellent  sense  and  plain  English,""  observed 
Mr.  JoiTocks,  looking  at  the  boy.  " '  He  should  alvvays 
maintain    to    the    ■uutsinan"s     holloa.'      Do    ye    "ear. 
Binjimin?  " 
■■  Yez-ir,""  replied  the  boy. 

••'When  stopped,  he  should  get  forrard  with  them, 
arter  the  "imtsman. 

"  Good  sense  again.""  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks. 
'• '  He  must  always  l>e  content  to  hact  a  hunder  part.' 
'•  Mark  those  words,  Binjimin,  and  let  them  be  engraved 
on  your  mind's  memory.  ,  , 

'■  •  He  must  always  be  content  to  hact  a  hunder  part. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  then  omitted  the  qualifying    sentence 
that  follows,  and  proceeded  in  his  reading. 

" '  You  have  heard  me  say,  that  when  there  is  much 
riot,  I  prefer  an  excellent  vipper-in  to  an  excellent 
"untsman.  The  opinion,  I  believe,  is  new ;  I  must  there- 
fore endeavour  to  explain  it.  My  meanin'  is  this— that  I 
think  I  shoidd  have  better  spoi-t,  and  kill  more  foxes 
with  a  moderate  'untsman,  and  an  excellent  vipper-in, 
than  with  the  best  of  'untsmen  without  such  an  assistant. 
You  will  say,  perhaps,  that  a  good  'untsman  will  make 
a  good  vipper-in,  not  such,  however,  as  I  mean;— his 
talent  must  be  boni  with  hiui.' 

"  '  His  talent  must  l^e  born  with  him,'  "  repeated  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  "  that  is  to  say,  he  must  have  the  bump  of 
Fox-vm-ta-tiveness  werry  strongly  deweloped ;  "—adding 
to  himself,  "  wonder  if  that  Ijeggar  Binjimin,  has  it." 
He  then  resumed  his  reading. 

" '  My  reasons  are  that  good  'ounds  (bad  I  would  not 
keep),'— Nor  I,  nouther,"— observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,— 
'"oftener  need  the  one  than  the  other;  and  genius, 
which  in  a  vipper-in,  if  attended  by  obedience,  his  first 


A   FRTOHTFUL   COLTJSTON  1     BECKFORT)    ?'.   BEN       203 

requisite,  can  do  no  'uvt ;  in  an  "nntsmau,  is  a  dangerous, 
thougli  a  desirable  quality;  and  if  not  acconipaniedwith 
a  laro-e  share  of  prudence,  and  I  may  say.  "umility,  Will 
oftentimes  spoil  your  spoi-t  and  \iYt  your  'ovmds.  A 
sren'leman  told  me'  that  he  heard  the  famous  Will  Dean, 
wlien    his    'ounds    were    runnin'   'ard    in    a    line  with 


Daventry,  frou)  whfMue  they  were  a(  that  tiiiif  iiiany 
miles  distant,  swear  exceedingly  at  the  vipi)or-iii.' 

"A  wen-y  improper  procoedin'  on  his  part,"  observed 
Ml-.  JonvK-ks,  without  looking  off  tlio  bf)ok. 

"  ■  Sayin',  Wot  business  have  you  Vm  ?— the  man  was 
'mazed  at  tlie  <iuestion— Why  don't  yon  know.'  said 
Dean,  '  and  Ik-  bad  worded  to  you,  that  the  great  eartli 
at  Daventry  is  o{>en  P—The  man  got  forward  and 
reached  the  earth  jest  time  enough  to  see  tlio  fox  go  in.' 


201  HA^NBIiEY   OTlOaS 

" '0\v  piovokm",""  observed  Mi-.  Jorvooks,  "  alisolutelv 
dietressin' — enough  to  make  a  Harchbishop  s^  ear.  Don't 
know  that  I  ever  read  any  thing  more  'eai*t-rendin'. 
The  'onnds  most  likely  been  racin'  .and  teariu'  for  blood, 
and  then  done  out  on't.  Dash  my  vig  if  it  hadn't  been  a 
main  earth.  I'd  ha'  dug  him ! "  continued  he,  thinking 
the  case  over. 

Presently,  a  loud  snore  internipted  our  friend,  and 
looking  up.  Mr.  JoiTocks  discovered  Benjnmin  sound 
asleej),  ^nth  his  head  hanging  over  his  left  shoulder. 
Shutting  the  Ijook  in  disgust,  Jorrocks  took  a  deliljerate 
aim  at  his  whipi^er-in's  head,  and  discharged  the  volume 
with  such  precision,  that  he  knocked  the  back  odf  the 
book. 

Benjamin  then  ran  roaring  out  of  the  room,  vowing 
that  JoiTOcks  had  fractured  his  skull,  and  that  he  would 
'■  take  the  law  of  him  "  for  it. 


CHAPTER  XXII 

THIO   CUX-l.iM-UUWN    C.Al'XAI^.S 

Having  uow  j^ot  aliuntsnuin.aiKl  iirnnij.'"-'!  witli  Duucuu 
Neviii  for  inoinitiii);  liim  until  he  foil  in  with  K<Te\v8  of 
his  o^v^l,  Mr.  Jorrocks  felt  if  he  hail  l>UHin<'8S  matters 
arranged  in  tJio  City,  he  wouM  he  all  leady  for  a  start; 
"  hnsiness  fir!-:t,  and  jilfa^nre  ai-terwards,"  liavinK  always 
heen  <m*;  of  hin  prudential   niottitew.      Aveordinarly  he 


206  HANDLEY  CROSS 

slipped  do^vii  by  express-tniiii  to  tlie  Loopline  station, 
on  the  Lilywliite  and  Gravclcoiu  lines,  to  meet  lii« 
traveller  (representative  as  he  culls  himself)  Bugginson, 
to  Avet  samples,  and  hear  how  things  were  looking  in  the 
Lane— and  the  up-train  not  fitting  clevei'ly,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
repaired  to  the  Imperial  Hotel,  where,  being  as  an 
M.F.H.  "  rayther  alcove  the  commercials,"  he  turned  into 
the  snmptnously  furnished  coffee-room.  There  he  found 
a  couple  of  regular  cut-'em-down  swells,  viz..  Captain 
Arthur  Crasher,  of  the  Horselydo^vn  Hussars,  and  Cap- 
tain Blucher  Brasher,  of  the  Leatherhead  Lancers, 
carousing  after  a  week's  career  with  Sir  Peregrine 
Cropper's  hounds. 

Having  exchanged  their  wet  hunting  things  for  di*y 
tweeds,  and  got  the  week's  thorns  out  of  their  legs,  they 
had  dined  and  di'owaied  dull  care  in  a  couple  of  bottles 
of  imdeniable,  Moet-corked,  gooseberry  champagne,  and 
were  now  i>icking  their  teeth,  twiddling  their  luxuriant 
moustaches,  and  stroking  their  stomachs  with  the 
utmost  comiilacency.  Mr.  Jorrocks's  entry  rather  dis- 
turbed them. 

■■  Old  boy's  made  a  mistake,"  whispered  the  hussar, 
raising  his  eyebrows  as  our  creaking-booted  fi'iend 
deposited  his  reversible  coat  and  writing-case  on  the 
sideboard — tlie  captain  adding  aloud,  "What  shall  we 
have  to  dwink  ?  " 

"  Do  us  no  harm,  I  des-say,"  replied  Brusher,  staring 
intently  at  JoiTOcks,  adding,  "  'spose  we  say  clart  ?  " 

"  Clart  be  it,"  rejoined  Crasher,  ringing  the  bell,  and 
presently  they  had  a  jug  of  tolerable  St.  Jullien,  doing 
duty  for  Chateau  Margaux.  The  glasses  being  large, 
and  the  measure  thick  and  highly  cut,  the  men  of  war 
were  not  long  in  discussing  its  contents,  and  a  second 
bottle,  with  an  anchovy  toast,  presently  followed. 

The  captains  then  began  to  talk.  They  were  the  crack 
men  of  their  respective  regiments,  then  quartered  at 
Furloughton,  each  with  an  admiring  knot  of  his  own, 
and  each  with  the  most  sovereign  contempt  of  the 
othei-'s  i^rowess.  To  hear  them  talk  each  other  ovei' 
after  mess  was  peculiarly  edifying.  "  "Well,  what  the 
deuce  anybody  sees  in  that  Crasher's  equitation,  1  can't 
for  the  life  of  me  imagine  I "  Brushei-  would  exclaim, 
amongst  his  ovni  set,  "  Rider  !  I  really  think  he's  the 
very  worst  rider  I  ever  set  eyes  on !  "  Then  the  hussar 
would  express  his  opinion  of  Bnisher.  ''  Poor  Brasher, 
];oor  devil ! "  Crusher  wuuld  say, "  he  in  without  exception 
the  greatest  humbug  that  ever  got  on  a  horse — greatest 


THE   CUT-EM-DOWN   CAPTAINS  207 

tailor  I  ever  saw  in  my  life."  And  so  the  ^uUaut  men 
turned  out  each  morning  fuU  of  envv,  hatred,  and 
malice,  with  the  fixed  determination  of  cuttins?  each 
other  down,  regardless  alike  of  hounds,  master,  and 
field.     Hark  to  their  conversation  1 

"Well.  I  think  I  never  had  a  better  week's  work," 
observed  Crasher,  throwing  himself  back  in  his  chair, 
and  eyeing  Jorrocks,  to  see  what  effect  the  announce- 
ment woidd  have  upon  him.  "  Had  sixteen  falls  in  five 
days." 

'•  Sixteen,  have  you  i' "  exclaimed  Brusher,  doubtingly ; 
■■  I  didn't  think  you'd  had  so  many.    I've  had  fifteen." 
"  No,  sui-ely  ! '  replied  Crasher,  incredulously. 
"  Yes,  I  have,"  asserted  Brusher,  confidently—"'  Three 
on  Monday,  two  on  Toosday,  four  on  Thursday,  three 
yesterday,  and  three  to-day." 

"  Three  to-day  I  "  reiterated  Crasher. 
"  Yes,  three,"  repeated  Brusher. 

■'  Ah,  but  that's  reckoning  the  mill  reservoir,"  observed 
Crasher. 

"  Well,  8iu-ely  one's  entitled  to  reckon  the  reservoir  - 
was  deuced  near  disowned." 

"  Well,  but  I  was  in  the  reservoir  too,"  oljsei'ved 
Crasher,  "  so  that  makes  me  seventeen." 

"  But  mark  I  I  was  in  first ! "  rejoined  Brusher,  ener- 
getically. 

■■  Ah,  but  you  didn't  take  tlie  stiff  post  and  rail  with 
tlie  yawTier  out  of  Cricklewood-spiny  though,"'  exclaimed 
Crasher. 

■'  'Cause  I  wasn't  there,  my  dear  fellow."  replied 
Brusher;  "  neitlier  did  you  take  tlie  brook  at  Watei-field 
Glen,  or  the  stiff  stake  and  rice-bund  on  tlie  toi)  of 
Cranfordh.'el  Hill." 

■■  Oh  1  didn't  I,  my  dear  feller  I  that's  all  you  know," 
sneered  Crasher.  "I  took  it  just  after  Tom  Stot's  liorse 
all  but  came  back  over  at  it.  Help  yourself,  and  let's 
dwink  fox-hunting,"  continued  lie,  filling  a  l)Uinj)er  and 
passing  the  claret  jug  to  his  friend,  or  his  foe,  whichever 
lie  considered  him. 

"All,  fox-'untin'  indeed."  grunted  old  Jorrocks  frum 
l)ehind  liib  Times  newspaper— "  glad  you  don't  "unt  with 
me— should  "ave  to  insure  all  my  'ounds'  lives  :md  my 
own  too,  1  should  think." 

The  captains  having  done  honour  to  the  sport  that 
accommodated  them  with  so  mu<h  jumping,  then  com- 
menced a  muie  elaborate  calculation  on  tlieir  finj^ei's  of 
the  number  of  fallb  they  had  each  Lad,  in  the  midst  of 


208  HANDLET  CROSS 

whicli  tliey  were  interrupted  by  the  rushing  of  a  dark 
.sreen  corduroy-clad  poiter  into  the  room,  exclaiming, 
pro  bono  publico,  "Please,  gents!  the  'bus  for  the  height- 
fifteen  train  "11  be  'ere  in  ten  minnits  !  "  tlien  adch-essing 
Captain  Crasher,  in  ;i  lower  tone,  he  said,  "  Pleaz,  zur, 
your  grmu  wishes  to  know  if  you  'ave  any  borders  for 
im  afore  you  goes  P  " 

"Of  c-o-o-o-r-s-e,  I  have,"  drawled  the  captain,  pom- 
pously napkining  his  moustache  with  the  greatest 
coolness,  adding?—"  send  him  here." 

The  porter  withdi-ew,  and  presently  a  stiffly-built,  blue- 
coated,  stripe-vested,  drab-gaitered  groom  entered,  and 
with  a  snatch  of  his  fore-lock,  placed  liimself  under  the 
gas-lit  chandeher. 

The  following  laconic  dialogue  then  ensued  between 
the  captain  and  him,  the  captam  hardly  deigning  to  look 
at  the  man,  and  treating  him  quite  on  the  word  of 
command  principle : — 

Captain.— "Hunt  Toosday— Hardi-iding  Hill." 

Groom  (with  another  snatch  at  the  fore-lock).—"  Yes. 
sir." 

Captam.—"  Talavera  first  —BaiTosa  second." 

Groom  (as  before).—"  Yes,  sir." 

Captam.—"  Or  say  Ban-osa  fii-st- Corimna  second." 

Groom. — "Yes,  sir." 

Ca]3tain.— '•  Wednesday,  Lubberfield  Park,  Salamanca 
first— Talavera  second." 

Groom. — "  Yes,  sir." 

Captain.— "  Thursday,  Riddlerough,  Toulouse  first— 
Badajoz  second." 

Groom.—"  Yes,  sir." 

Captain.—"  Must  send  on  to  the  '  Bidl '  at  Lushinger." 

Groom  (lowly  and  timidly).—"  Please,  sir,  I  shall  'ave 
to  trouble  you  for  some  money,  sir." 

'P n  and  b 1 ! "  roared  the  captain,  boiling  up 

furiously,  "  didn't  I  tell  you  you  were  only  to  ask  me  for 
money  once  a  month  ?  " 

Groom  (looking  confused).— "  Well,  sir.— but  if  you 
tlon't  give  me  enough  to  last,  sir,  what  ham  I  to  do,  sir?" 

"Do!"  roared  the  captain,  knitting  his  brows,  and 
eyeing  the  man  as  if  he  would  exterminate  him.  "  Do! 
Do  as  you  did  before— ^o  to  Mr.  Castors."  So  saying, 
the  captam  rose  from  his  seat,  and  tlashing  his  napkin 
on  the  floor,  bundled  the  man  neck  and  crop  out  of  the 
room. 

"i'^'e  other  captain  (|uickly  followed,  peeping  over  the 
Irmes    as    he    passed,  to.  see    whethei-    Jorrocks    was 


THE   CUT- EM-DOWN   CAPTAINS  209 

laughing,  and  liuniecl  up-stairs,  taking  three  steps  at 
a  strifle. 

Presently  the  twang  of  a  horn,  the  rumbling  of  wheels, 
with  the  bnniping  of  portmanteaus  on  the  stairs  and  in 
the  passage,  annotinced  the  coming  of  the  'bus,  and 
then  the  sound  of  hiuTj'uig  footsteps  w^as  followed  by 
"  r-e-e-it  I  "  and  the  bang  of  a  door  outside,  when  the 
renewed  thunder  of  wheels  announced  that  the  cut-'em- 
down  captains  wei'e  gone. 


J-E.  JOREOCKB   PUMrltTG  THB   CAPTAIN'S   GROOM 


CHAPTER  XXIII 

THE   CUT-'EM-DOWN   CAPTAIN's  GROOM 

••  Got  a  iiimmisli  customer  there,  I  f?uess,"  observed  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  as  the  groom  now  re-entered  the  room  to  pick 
up  the  waifs  and  strays. 

"  Hev  that,"  replied  the  groom,  grinning,  and  pocket- 
ing a  pair  oi'  dog-skin  gloves  and  a  cigar-case  his  master 
had  left  on  the  mauteljjiece.  The  gi-oom  tlien  made  a 
dash  at  the  nearly  emptied  claret  jug. 

"  Ah,  that  'ill  do  ye  no  good,  my  frind,"  observed  Mr. 
Jorrocks ;  "  that  'ill  do  ye  no  good.  See,"  continued  he, 
••  'ere's  a  shillin'  for  ye— get  yourself  a  glass  o'  summut 
wai-m  and  comfoi-table— that  'ill  werry  likely  give  you 
the  cliolera." 

"  Thank  'e,  sir,"  replied  the  ujuu,  taking  and  pocketing 
the  money. 

■'  Are  you  a  stoppin'  'ere  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  who 
had  now  an-anged  himself  with  a  coat-lap  over  each  arm 
before  the  fire. 


lie. 


THE   CUT-'eM-DOWN   CAPTAIN's  GROOHl  211 

I  ham,"  replied  the  man,  with  a  kuowing  leer,  adding 

■  'cause  whj'  ? — I  can't  get  away." 

■  'Deed,"  smiled  Mr.  Jorrocks. " 

Wot,  you're  i'  Short's  Gardens,  are  ye  ?  "  whis]>ered 


"  Just  so,"  nodded  the  man.  "■  Hup  the  spout.''  jerking 
uj^wards  with  his  thiuul.>. 

"I  thought  he  looked  like  a  fast  'un,"  rejoined  Mr. 
JoiTocks. 

■■  They'll  be  'avin'  im'  fast  afore  long,  I'm  a  thinkin'," 
otisei-A-ed  the  groom.  •"  Mr.  Castor  'ere  has  wot  he  calls 
a  lion  on  his  'osses  for  I  don't  know  'ow  much." 

'■  Wot.  you're  staudin'  'ere,  are  ye  ?  "  asked  Mr. 
Jorrocks. 

'■  Yes,  and  'ave  l»een  these  six  weeks,  at  sixpence  a 
quartern  for  whoats  and  all  other  things  in  like  pro- 
portion." 

"//?-deedI"  ejaculated  Mr.  Jorrocks,  thinking  he 
wouldn't  like  to  keep  horses  on  those  temis.  "  Well," 
continued  he,  thinking  it  might  lead  to  something,  "  'ave 
ye  aught  good  for  anything  ?  " 

"They're  not  bad  'osses,  none  on  them,"  replied  the 
groom ;  "  aU  past  mark  o'  mouth  and  all  done  work,  but 
they  can  go." 

"  Can  they  ? "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  wondering  if  they 
woidd  carry  Pigg. 

"  I  assure  you  they  can,"  responded  the  groom  con- 
fidentl}'. 

"  Can-y  weight  'f  "  asked  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  an  off-hand 
sort  of  way. 

"  Why,  1  doesn't  know  that  they'd  can-y  t/uu,"  smiled 
the  man,  eyeing  our  friend's  substantial  form;  "but 
they'd  can-y  anytliing  i'  moderation." 

"  Oh,  it's  not  for  myself,"  retorted  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with 
a  frown  and  a  toss  of  the  Iiead;  "I'm  a  commercial  gent, 
an  i;  8.  d.  man,  not  one  o'  your  cut-across  country  cliaps; 
only  if  1  could  pick  uj>  a  thing  clicMp  tliiii  would  ride 
and  go  in  'arness  'casioiially,  J  wouldn't  luiud  a  trifle. 
But  I'm  not  a  figurante  not  a  three  figur'  man  at  all," 
added  lie,-  "  far  from  it  -  keeps  no  cats  wot  don't  catch 
mice." 

"Well,  either  of  ours  will  go  in  'arness,"  replied  the 
groom. 

"  Vot !  'ave  you  only  two ! "  exclaiuicd  Mr.  Jorrocka, 

wliy  the  man  talked  as  if  he  'ad  twenty.'' 

"  Only  two  to  call  our  own — our  own  habsolute  own," 
cxplahied  the  man     "tlic  rest  are  jobs     twelve  guineas 


212  HANDIiBT   CROSS 

l)er  luuar  mouth,  aud  precious  ard  times  they  'ave  of  it, 
I  can  tell  ye.     He  does  knock  'em  about,  I  assure  you." 

Just  then,  Castors,  the  landlord,  came  to  say  that  Mr. 
Bugginson  had  arrived,  and  availing  himself  of  the 
introduction,  Mr.  Jorrocks  sought  an  opportunity,  after 
he  got  matters  aiTanged  with  his  traveller,  for  having  a 
little  conversation  with  Castors,  beginning  on  indifferent 
subjects,  and  drawing  gradually  up  to  the  captain,  when, 
finding  the  groom's  statement  pretty  well  confinned,  Mr. 
JoiTocks  slipped  with  Castors  into  the  stable  to  have  a 
look  at  the  nags.  Amidst  the  heaps  of  clothes  and  straw 
in  which  they  were  enveloped,  our  master  found  pretty 
good,  though  abused  legs  and  big  _  hocks,  and  after 
observing  that  he'd  "  seen  wus  'osses,"  he  quietly  with- 
di'ew,  arm  in  arm  with  the  landlord. 

"  You  see,"  said  Jorrocks  in  an  undei-tone,  "  I'm  only 
a  ti-adesman— a  post-hoffice  directory,  not  a  peerage 
man— and  I  doesn't  give  extravagant  out  o'  the  way 
prices  for  nothin' — least  of  all  for  'osses,  biit  if  it  so 
"appens  as  you  'spects  that  these  quads  o'  the  caiitin's 
come  to  grief,  why  I  wouldn't  mind  takin'  of  tliem  at  a 
low  moderate  figiu- — twenty  or  ftve-and-twenty  pund 
p'raps— or  maybe  hup  to  thirty-jest  'cordin'  as  they 
looked  out  o'  doors  by  daylight,  sooner  nor  they  should 
be  degraded  i'  the  'bus  or  get  into  an  old  ooman's  cruelty- 
wan." 

"  Just  so,  sir,"  replied  Castors,  thinking  it  well  to  have 
a  customer  in  view. 

"  As  to  their  'untin'  qualities,"  continued  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
with  a  pshaw  and  a  pish,  "  I  doesn't  look  at  'em  at  all  i' 
that  light.  It's  no  commendation  to  a  man  wot  wants 
an  "oss  for  his  chay  to  be  offered  one  that  can  jump 
hover  the  moon." 

"  Certainly  not,"  replied  Castors,  who  sat  a  horse  with 
firmness,  ease,  and  grace,  until  he  began  to  move,  when 
he  generally  tumbled  off". 

"So,"  continued  Jorrocks,  "  if  you  find  yourself  in  a 
fix,  you  know  where  to  send  to,"  our  friend  diving  into 
hia  pocket  as  he  spoke,  and  fishing  out  an  enonnous 
steel-clasped,  purple-backed  bill-case,  from  whence  he 
selected  one  of  his  City  cards,  "Jorrocks  &  Co.. 
Grocers  and  Tea  Dealers,  St.  Botolph's  Lane," 
and  presented  it  to  Castors,  who  received  it  witli  a  bow. 
They  then  passed  by  a  side-door  into  the  bar,  where 
successive  beakers  of  brandy  and  water  })eguiled  tliotime 
and  caused  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  be  vciy  late,  or  rather  very 
early  (past  three  a.m.)  in  getting  back  to  Handley  Cross. 


CHAPTER    XXTV 

helinda'h  ukau 

As  Mr.  Jorrocks  sat  at  a  late  brenkfust— his  wlj^less 
aching  liead  onveloped  in  a  damp  towel  -tlie  pawing  of 
a  horse  at  the  trellised  archway  of  Diana  Lodge  caused 
him  to  look  nj)  from  his  woll-sprend  fahlo  to  i-oconnoitre 
the  movement. 
"Dash  my  vig,  if  here  ha'int  Stobbs!"  exclaimed  he, 


2U  HANDT-KV   CROSS 

Juuipine:  up  in  ecstasy,  and  bolting  his  bottom  piece  of 
nmfliu. 

"Stobby!"'  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorroclcs,  rushing  to  the 
eagrle-topped  mirror. 

"  Stobbs ! "  ejaculated  Belinda,  almost  involuntarily, 
with  a  blush  and  a  smile,  and  Jorrocks  ran  foul  of  Betsy 
in  the  passag'e,  as  she  came  to  announce  that  "  Mr. 
Stobbs  was  at  the  fjate." 

Charley  Stobbs  was  just  four-and-twenty — handsome, 
lively,  and  j^ray,  he  was  welcome  wherever  he  went.  In 
heigrht  he  was  just  five  feet  ten,  full-limbed,  but  not 
coarse,  with  a  cleanness  of  make  and  shape  that  bespoke 
strength  and  muscular  activity.  His  dark  brown  hair 
clustered  in  unstudied  locks  upon  a  lofty  forehead,  while 
bright  brown  eyes  beamed  through  the  long  fringes, 
giving  life  and  animation  to  an  open,  intelligent 
countenance. 

Charles  was  the  only  son  of  a  rich  Yorkshire  yeoman 
— of  a  man  who,  clinging  to  the  style  of  his  ancestors, 
called  himself  gentleman  instead  of  esquire — Gentlemen 
they  had  been  styled  for  many  generations,  and  son  had 
succeeded  sire  without  wishing  for  a  change. 

The  old  lattice-windowed  manor-house,  substantial 
and  stone-roofed,  stood  amid  lofty  oaks,  upon  a  gentle 
eminence  above  the  bend  of  a  rapid  river — myriads  of 
rooks  nestled  in  the  branches,  and  the  rich  meadows 
around  were  studded  with  gigantic  oaks,  and  venerable 
weather-beaten  firs.  The  finest  flocks  and  herds  grazed 
in  the  pastures,  ducks  were  on  the  pond,  pigs  and  geese 
I'evelled  in  the  stubbles,  while  the  spacious  yard  at  the 
back  of  the  house  contained  Dorking  fowls,  the  finest 
turkeys,  and  tlie  best  of  cows.  Old  Stobbs  was.  in  short., 
a  gentleman  fai-mer.  His  wife  had  been  dead  some 
years,  and  Charles  and  a  daughter  were  the  only  ties 
that  bound  him  to  the  world. 

The  laudable  desire  of  seeing  one's  son  better  than 
(me's  self  induced  old  Stobbs  to  give  Charles  a  good 
education,  not  that  he  sent  him  to  college,  but  he  placed 
himat  a  good  Yorkshire  school,  which,  just  as  he  was 
leaving,  and  the  old  gentleman  was  wondering  "  what  to 
make  of  him,"  he  happened,  wliile  serving  at  York 
assizes,  to  be  stnick  with  the  easy  eloquence  or  "  grand 
tongue,"  as  the  country  people  call  it,  of  a  neighbour's 
son,  whom  he  remembered  a  most  unpi-omising  boy,  that 
he  determined  to  see  if  Charles  would  not  train  from  the 
saddle  and  gun  and  make  a  grand-tongued  barrister  too. 

Having  ascertained  the  line  of  study  that  gentleman 


BELINDA  R   BEAT!  215 

luifl  jinrsiied.  in  due  eoiirse.  old  Stol:)bs  and  his  son 
started  for  Loudon,  and  after  a  week's  si^ht-seeing, 
during  which  they  each  had  their  ])ockets  picked  half  a 
dozen  times  while  staring  into  shoi»  windows,  they  tmmcl 
themselves  one  line  morning  at  the  chamliers  of  the 
great  Mr.  Twister,  in  Lincoln's  Inn  Square. 

Mr.  Twister  was  one  of  those  legal  nuisances  called 
conveyancers,  whom  it  is  to  be  hoped  some  contrivance 
will  be  found  to  extinguish,  and  he  could  find  a  loop-hole 
for  an  iinwilling  purchaser  to  creep  out  at  in  the  very 
best  of  titles.  Having  plenty  to  do  himself,  he  took  as 
many  pupils  as  ever  he  could  get.  to  help  each  other  to 
do  nothing.  Each  of  these  paid  him  a  hundi-ed  g\iineas 
a  year,  in  return  for  which  they  had  the  run  of  a  dingey, 
carpetless  room,  the  use  of  some  repulsive-looking  desks, 
and  libei'ty  to  copy  twenty  volumes  of  manuscript  pre- 
cedents, that  the  great  Mr.  Twister  had  copied  himself 
when  a  pupil  A^dth  great  Mr.  Somebody-else. 

The  chapel  clock  was  striking  nine  as  father  and  son 
entered  the  dismal  precincts  of  Lincoln's  Imi,  and  before 
they  got  to  the  uncouth  outer  door  that  shuts  in  the 
chamber  set,  the  great  conveyancer  had  handed  his  old 
macintosh  to  his  bustling  clerk,  and  was  imlling  a  little 
brown  wig  straight,  jireparatory  to  setting  to  for  the 
day.  Tlie  newly-lit  fire  shed  a  scanty  ray  over  the  cheer- 
less, comfortless  apartment,  which  was  fitted  up  with  a 
large  librai-y-table  piled  with  red-taped  dusty  papers, 
the  representatives  most  likely  of  many  thousand  acres 
of  land,  and  the  rag  of  a  cari)et  under  it,  three  or  four 
faded  morocco  chairs,  and  a  large  glass  book-case,  with 
a  twenty-year-old  almanack  flopping  in  front. 

■'  Good  morning,  gentlemen,"  said  the  parchment-faced 
old  man,  as  tlie  clerk  ushered  the  fresh  fly  into  the 
spider's  web.  "  Hope  to  make  your  better  acquaintance," 
Vx)wing  to  each. 

Old  Sto])l»H  would  have  sat  down  and  told  Twister  all 
liopes  and  fears,  Vjut  the  latter,  though  a  voluminous 
conveyancer,  was  a  concise  conversationalist,  and  soon 
f'ut  short  the  dialogue  by  looking  at  his  watcli,  and  pro- 
ducing a  little  red  volume  indorsed  CASit  hook,  he 
politely  inquired  what  (!liristian  name  ho  should  futer. 
and  then  observing  that  ))iK  clerk  would  receive  tlie  foe, 
and  show  Mr.  Charlos  what  to  do,  he  civilly  bowed  them 
into  the  outer  room. 

j  jContrasting  Twister's  brevity  with  his  country 
solicitor's  lofpiacity,  old  Stolilis  told  over  liis  hundred 
giiineas  to  Mr.  Bowker,  tlic  aforesaid  clerk ;  and  just  as 


21  f)  HANDLEY   CROSS 

lie  was  leaving'  Lincoln's  Inn.  liis  mind  received  con- 
solation f(.>v  the  otherwise  unpromising  investment,  by 
seeing  the  Lord  Chancellor  arrive  in  his  coach,  and  enter 
his  coni-t,  preceded  by  the  mace  and  other  glittering 
insignia  of  office.  "Who  knows,"  thonght  old  Stobbs 
to  himself,  "but  Charles  may  some  day  occupy  that 
throne;"  and  an  indistinct  vision  flitted  across  the  old 
man's  mind,  of  stuffing  the  woolsack  with  the  produce 
of  his  own  sheep. 

Shortly  after,  with  an  aching  heart  and  fei'vent  jjrayers 
for  his  son's  happiness,  the  old  gentleman  returned  to 
Yorkshire ;  and  Charles,  having  removed  his  portman- 
teau from  the  Piazza  to  a  first-floor  lodging  in  Hadlow 
Street,  Burton  Crescent,  made  his  second  appearance  at 
the  chambers  of  Mr.  Twister. 

"  Oh,  it's  you  ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Bowker,  answering  the 
gentle  rat-tat-tat  at  the  outer  door,  "  come  in.  Sir,  come 
in — no  occasion  to  knock !  No  ceremony ! — Paid  your 
footing  you  know— One  of  us." 

Mr.  Bowker,  or  Bill  Bowker.  as  he  was  generally  called, 
was  a  stout,  square-built,  ruddy-complexioned,  yellow- 
haired,  bustling,  middle-aged  man,  with  a  gi-eat  taste 
for  flash  clothes  and  jewellery.  On  the  present  occa- 
sion, he  sported  a  smart  nut-brown  coat,  with  a  velvet 
collar ;  a  sky-blue  satin  stock,  secured  by  numerous  pins 
and  brooches;  a  double-breasted  red  tartan  waistcoat, 
well  laid  back;  with  brownish  drab  stockingette  pan- 
taloons, and  Hessian  boots.  A  great  bunch  of  Mosaic 
seals  dangled  from  a  massive  chain  of  the  same  material ; 
and  a  cut  steel  guard,  one  passing  over  his  waistcoat, 
secured  a  pair  of  mother-of-pearl-cased  eye-glasses, 
though  Bill  was  not  in  the  least  short-sighted. 

"You're  early,"  said  Bowker,  as  Charles  deposited  a 
di-ipping  umbrella  in  the  stand.  "  You  don't  look  like  a 
sap  either,"  added  he,  eyeing  Charles  in  a  free  and  easy 
sort  of  way,  for  Bill  was  a  real  impudent  fellow. 

"  What  is  the  right  hour  ?  "  inquired  Charles,  with  a 
schoolboy  sort  of  air. 

"  Right  hour  ?  "  exclaimed  Bill,  "  any  time  you  like- 
saps  come  at  opening,  others  at  noon,  the  Honourable 
not  till  afternoon.  There  are  two  chaps  copying  pre- 
cedents now.  that  the  laundress  left  here  at  ten  last 
night — (tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle,  went  a  little  hand-bell). 
There's  the  old  file  himself,"  observed  Bill,  bundling  off, 
adding,  as  he  went,  "  be  back  to  you  directly." 


Belinda's  beau  217 

'"Coufouud  these  covenants  for  quiet  enjoyment  1"" 
muttered  he,  returaing  and  opening  a  pigeon-holed 
cupboard,  hibelled  like  the  di-awers  against  a  chemist's 
shop  wall  with  all  sorts  of  titles;  "I  get  no  quiet  enjoy- 
ment for  them,  I  know.  One,  two,  thi-ee— there— three 
and  one  left,"  returning  a  few  sheets  of  manuscript  to 
their  hole  "free  from  incumbrances."'  "Wish  I  was," 
thought  Bill — ''and  for  further  assurance — one,  two, 
three,"'  counted  Bill,  "now  let"s  see  if  he"ll  have  the 
fiu-ther  assm-ance  to  ask  for  any  more  to-day."' 

"Well  now,  what  can  I  do  for  you?"  inquired  he, 
returning  from  the  delivery  of  his  "  common  forms." 
"  There's  Squelchback"s  settlement,  that  most  pupils 
copy — five  hundred  pages  !  Great  precedent !  produced 
ten  issues,  an  arbitration,  and  a  Chancery  suit. 

"But  I  think  I've  something  in  my  pea-jacket  that 
will  siiit  you  better,"  obsei-ved  Bill,  taking  up  a  great 
coarse  large-buttoned  pilot  jacket,  and  ijroduciug  a 
paper  from  the  pocket.  "  There,"  said  he.  opening  it 
out,  "there's  JiclVs  Life  in  London;  you'll  see  a  letter 
from  me  signed  'Ajax.'  Bring  it  back  when  you've 
done,  and  don"t  let  the  Honourable  catch  it  or  he'll  burn 
it."  Saying  which.  Bill  pi-esented  our  pupil  with  the 
paper,  and  opening  the  door  of  an  adjoining  apai-tment, 
usnered  Charles  into  a  room  on  the  riglit,  in  which  sat 
two  youths  in  very  seedy,  out  at  elbow  coats,  copying 
away  out  of  manuscript  books. 

"  Mr.  Stobbs,  gentlemen  I  "  exclaimed  Bill  with  an  air 
of  importance,  "  Mi-.  Frost,  Mr.  Stobljs  ;  Mr.  Stol  )bs,  Mr. 
Frost ;  Mr.  Jones,  Mr.  Stobbs ;  Mr.  Stobl)s,  Mr.  Jones." 

Mr.  Frost  and  Mr.  Jones  half  rose  from  their  chairs, 
and  greeted  Mr.  Stobbs  much  in  the  manner  of  debtors 
receiving  a  chum  into  tlieir  already  overcrowded  apart- 
ment. Frost  and  Jones  were  both  working  men;  with 
tlieir  ways  to  make  in  the  world,  they  had  paid  their 
liundred  guineas  for  a  higli-sounding  name,  and  ])ctaken 
themselves  to  tlie  meclianiral  dnidgcry  of  j^rocedcnt 
copying,  witli  an  industry  wortliy  of  a  bott^M-  dirfction. 

StobW  early  appearance  at  chaiulicrs  ins])ir('<l  liopes 
tliat  he  was  going  to  Ijo  a  working  man,  but  the  sight  of 
licU's  IJfe  demolished  the  idea,  and  the  conversation 
died  out  as  the  pupils  gradually  resumed  their  weai-y 
occxipationa. 

The  Lifp  was  uncommonly  lively  that  morning; 
there  had  l>een  a  great  fight  at  No  Man's  Tiand,  l)etween 
Big-headed   Bob    and    the    Pet   of    the    Fancy,    wliicli 


2]fi  KANPT.EY   CROSS 

ii-ppearod  in  tlio  sjlowinc:  lanji^uage  in  wliicli  poor  Vin- 
cent Dovvlinp:,  as  ^ood  a  man  as  ever  lived,  vised  to 
clothe  his  pugilistic  acconnts.  How  Bijr-head  was 
caught,  and  his  uoh  put  in  chnncei-y,  how  lie  sent  the 
Pet's  Teeth  down  his  trap  in  return,  how  both  were 
floored,  and  picked  up  by  their  seconds  with  their  claret 
corks  out. 

Then  there  was  a  host  of  con-espondence ;  complaints 
against  stewards;  accounts  of  races;  hints  to  judges; 
and  Ajax's  letter,  in  which  he  assumed  the  toga  of  his 
master,  and  dating  from  Lincoln's  Inn,  gave  some  very 
queer  law  respecting  landlord  and  tenant.  The  chal- 
lenges too  were  numerous.  Ugly  Bon-ock  of  Bristol 
would  eat  boiled  mutton  and  turnips  with  any  man  in 
England;  Tom  Jumper  had  a  ten-ier  he  would  match 
against  any  dog  of  his  weight  for  ten  sovereigns,  to  be 
heard  of  at  the  Jew's  Harp,  City  Road;  Joe  Scamp 
could  be  backed  to  whistle;  Tom  King  to  run  on  all 
fours ;  and  the  Lord  knows  what  else. 

The  advertisements,  too,  were  peculiar.  In  addition 
to  the  usual  inquiry  after  hounds,  and  offers  of  horses, 
there  were  a  suit  of  Daniel  Lambei"t's  clothes  for  sale,  a 
preserved  boa  constrictor  serpent,  notice  of  vocalization 
and  frontal  frapidigitation,  and  the  meeting  of  the 
judge  and  jury  society  at  the  Coal-hole. 

Charles  kept  reading  and  wondering,  amid  occasional 
inteiTuptions  from  the  an-ival  and  introduction  of  pupils. 
They  were  mostly  gentlemenly  men,  somewhat  choked 
into  idleness  by  the  prolixity  of  Squelchback's  settle- 
ment. Indeed,  their  chief  claims  to  the  title  of  reading 
men  consisted  in  the  peiixsal  of  the  newspapers,  of  which 
old  Twister  furaished  the  Times,  and  they  clubbed 
together  for  the  CJironicle,  Bowker's  Life  was  well 
known,  and  what  with  it  and  a  i^air  of  cord  trousers 
Charles  had  on,  they  made  up  their  minds  that  he  was  a 
"  spoi-ting  gent." 

Between  twelve  and  one  o'clock  all  the  gentlemen 
except  the  Honourable  had  an-ived,  and  the  old  question 
of  "  fire  "  or  "  no  fire  "  was  broached.  This  had  been  an 
open  question  in  the  chambers  ever  since  old  Twister 
commenced  taking  double  the  number  of  pvipils  the 
room  would  accoinmodate,  and  as  it  furnished  great 
scope  for  eloquence  and  idleness,  the  debate  frequently 
lasted  a  couple  of  hours,  during  which  time  the  saps 
used  to  sneak  out  to  dinner,  genei*ally  getting  back  in 
time  to  vote.  This  day  they  stayed,  expecting  the  new 
pupil  would  "  hold  forth,"  but  he  was  so  absorbed  with 


BTin-rNT»A.'S   BEAIT  219 

BrlVa  Life,  that  when  called  u])()u  l>j-  the  chair,  lie 
grave  a  silent  vote ;  and  just  as  Bill  Bowker  answered 
the  hell,  and  let  off  his  old  joke  about  issuing  a  fiery 
facias,  "  the  Honourable  "  arrived,  and  the  room  was  full. 

The  Hon.  Henry  Lolliugion,  the  ninth  son  of  an  Earl, 
was  quite  a  used-up  West-end  man.  He  was  a  tall, 
drawling,  dancing  soi-t  of  a  man,  in  gi-eat  request  at 
balls,  and  had  a  perfect  abhoiTence  of  anything  coarse  or 
common-place.  He  was  a  mortal  enemy  to  Mr.  Bowker, 
whom  he  kept  at  ann's  length,  instead  of  treating  as  an 
equal,  as  some  of  the  pupils  did. 

"Mr.  Bowkrtr,"  drawled  he,  as  he  encoiuitered  that 
woi-thy  in  the  passage,  '"  bring  me  a  piece  of  paprrr,  and 
let  me  give  you  orders  about  my  lettm-s — I'm  going  to 
Bath." 

"  Yes,  my  LuD  I "  responded  Bill,  in  a  loud  tone,  to  let 
Charles  hear  what  a  great  man  they  had  among  them. 

"  Dem  you,  Mr.  Bowkrn-,  I'm  not  a  Lord,''  responded 
the  Hon.  Mr.  Lollington. 

"Beg  pardon,  my  Ludl"  replied  the  impei*turbable 
Bill,  bustling  out, 

Charles  at  this  moment  had  got  into  the  notices  to 
correspondents,  and  was  chuckling  at  their  humorous 
originality : — 

" '  Suppose  one  man  to  wilfnlly  firo  at  another  with  intention   of 

takincr  away  his  hfe,  but  accidentally  misses  his  aim  and  kills 

another,  will  the  laws  of  our  country  find  this  man  guilty  of  wilful 

murder  ? '  a«ked  a  correspondent. 
"  '  No,'  rei>lied  the  Editor,  '  but  a  jury  will,  and  he  will  be  comfortably 

handed.' 
"  '  A  pnake  is  not  a  "barber,"  although  he  "  curls."  '    ' The  ciuorist  i.s 

not  "  B'lake  headed,"  '  was  the  answor  to  another. 
"  '  We  are  not  aware  that  a  negro  boiled,  turns  white.    If  Niger  will 

boil  one  of  his  children  and  it  turns  black,  the  problem  will  be 

solved,"  he  obscrs'cd  to  another. 
"J.  O. — The  '  roxpectable  class  of  servants'  alluded  to,  are  very 

properly  employed  in  turning  the  mangle ;   wo  wish,  in  their 

leisure  hours,  they  would  turn  J.  G.  inside  out. 
"The  bcRt  euro  for  carbunclfs  is  to  rub  them  with  cheese,  and  sleep 

in  the  domicilo  of  mire,  who  will  eat  them  off  in  a  night. 
"  The  ra«8culino  for '  flirt '  is  cock  llirt,  if  there  be  such  a  wretch, 
"  Apropos,— Hand-shaking  is  vulgar  in  polite  society  upon  merely 

meofing  ladies.    Pay  your  respects  to  the  ladies  first,  married 

before  single. 
"  Magdalen. — A  gentleman  may  jilt  as  well  as  a  latly." 

The  following  American  story  gi*accd  the  cohuuns  of 
sreneral  information : — 

"The  N«obo  Awn  the  ('hkiise,— The  l}otlon  Pntt  says  that  up  iit 
the  west-end  of  that  city  there  is  a  Kood-natiirrd,  fuii-inaking  negro, 
named  Parsis,  who  hovers  round  llie  grr)cnry  stores  in  that  noighbour- 
hoo<l  rather  more  than  is  desirable.     Like  many  other  goutlomcu  nf 


220  HANDT,EY   CROSS 

colour,  he  prides  himself  upon  tlie  thioknoBS  of  his  sknll,  mid  he  i« 
nlways  up  for  a  bet  upon  his  Imttinp;  iwwers,  and  well  lie  luiiy  Ix",  fur 
his  head  is  hai'd  enough  for  a  battering-ram.  The  other  day  ho  laado 
a  bet  in  a  store  that  he  could  butt  in  the  head  of  a  flour-barrel,  and  he 
succeeded.  He  then  took  up  a  bet  to  drive  it  tlu'ough  a  very  largo 
cheese,  which  was  to  bo  covered  with  a  crash-cloth  to  keep  his  wool 
clear  of  chcese-onimbs.  The  cheese,  thus  enveloped,  was  placed  in  a 
proper  i)ositioii,  and  Parsis  starting  off  like  a  locomotive,  buried  his  head 
up  to  his  ears  in  the  inviting  target.  Parsis  now  began  to  feel  himself 
irresistible,  and  tnlkod  up  '  purty  considerable."  A  plan,  however,  was 
soon  contrived  to  take  the  conceit  out  of  him.  There  being  some 
grindstones  in  the  store  for  sale,  one  of  them  was  privately  taken  up, 
and  wrap])ed  up  in  the  same  manner  as  the  cheese  had  been,  and 
looked  precisely  as  if  it  were  a  second  cheese,  and  Parsis  readily  took 
another  bet  for"  9rf.  that  he  would  butt  his  head  through  it  a.s  easy  as  he 
had  sent  it  through  the  first.  The  interest  of  the  spectators  in  the 
operation  became  intense.  Everything  was  carefully  adjusted,  and 
upon  the  word  being  civen,  Parsis  darted  like  an  arrow  at  the  ambush 
grindstone  ;  he  struck  it  fair  in  the  centre,  and  in  the  next  instant  lay 
sprawling  (m  the  floor,  uvion  which  he  recoiled.  For  some  minutes  he 
lay  speechless,  and  then  he  raised  himself  slowly  on  his  knees,  and 
scratching  his  head,  said,  with  a  squirming  voice,  '  Bery  hard  cheese 
dat,  massa !  Dej'  skim  de  milk  too  much  altogether  before  dey  make 
him,  dat's  a  fact.'  " 

At  lengtli,  amid  many  chuckles,  having  fairly  exhausted 
its  contents,  in  comijliance  with  Bill  Bowker's  request, 
Charles  left  the  room  for  the  purpose  of  returning  his 
paper.  As  lie  depai-ted,  Mr.  Lollington  eyed  him 
through  his  glass,  and  with  an  air  of  well-feigned 
astonishment,  exclaimed,  as  Charles  closed  the  door. — 

"  Surely,  we've  got  the  Tipton  Slasher  among  us  !  " 

"  Well,"  said  Bill  Bowker,  flourishing  his  great  mosaic 
seals,  as  he  received  the  jiaper  from  Charles,  ''  that's 
something  like,  isn't  it  ?  And  how  do  you  like  the 
Honourable  ?  By  the  way,  I  forgot  to  introduce  you ! 
Never  mind,  soon  get  acquainted — manner  against  him — 
but  a  good-hearted  fellow  when  yoix  know  him.  Saw 
liim  give  a  gal  half -a-crown  once  for  picking  up  his  glove 
— noble,  wasn't  it?  Your  fiddle-strings  will  begin  to 
gi-umble,  I  guess,  for  want  of  your  dinner;  and  by  the 
way.  that  reminds  me,  if  you  haven't  got  yourself  suited 
for  lodging,  we  have  an  excellent  first-floor  disengaged, 
and  Mrs.  B.  and  her  sister  will  be  happy  to  do  for  you. — 
Smart  gal— Dances  at  the  '  Cobourg ; ' "  and  thereupon 
Bill,  who  had  exclianged  his  fine  brown  coat  for  a  little 
gi-ey  thing  that  seemed  undetermined  whether  to  be  a 
jacket  or  a  coat,  kimbo'd  his  anus,  pointed  his  toe,  and 
pirouetted  in  the  middle  of  his  office. 

Charles  replied  that  he  had  just  taken  lodg-ings  in 
Hadlow  Street. 

"  What,  at  the  feather-maker's  ?  "  inquired  Bowker, 
balancing  on  one  leg. 


Belinda's  beau  221 

"  No."  replied  Charles ;  "  at  Mrs.  Hall's,  a  widow 
woman'B,  number  twenty  something/' 

"I  know  her  I"  exclaimed  Bill,  resuming  both  feet. 
•■  left-hand  side  of  the  way,  gomg  up  ;— D— d  bitch  she 
is,  too  (aside) ;  pawned  her  last  lodger's  linen— Well, 
perhaps  you'll  beai-  its  in  mind,  in  case  she  don't  suit- 
Quiet  house— no  children — private  door — sneck  key — 
social  party.  You'U  find  London  deuced  dull  without 
acquaintance." 

This  last  observation  came  home  wnth  imcomnion 
keenness,  for  Charles  had  begim  to  feel  the  full  force  of 
that  London  loneliness,  which  damps  the  spirit  of  many 
an  ardent  genius  fi-om  the  cotmtry.  At  their  o^vn 
market  town  of  Boroughbridge.  he  met  familiar  faces  at 
every  turn,  while,  in  London,  all  humed  on,  or  looked 
as  they  would  at  an  indifferent  object— a  dog  or  a  post. 
The  style  of  living,  too,  disgusted  him. 

Instead  of  the  comfortable,  well-stored  table  and 
cheerfxd  fire  he  had  been  accustomed  to  at  home,  he  had 
U)  stew  into  hot  chop-houses,  where  they  doled  out  their 
dinners  in  portions,  and  a  frowsy  waiter  kept  whisking 
a  duster,  to  get  him  away  the  moment  his  dinner  was 
done.  The  dull  freedom  of  manhood  did  not  compen- 
sate for  the  joyousness  of  boyish  restraint. 

Mr.  Bowker  did  not  give  him  much  time  for  reflection 
—"Should  have  been  glad  to  have  taken  you  to  the 
Cobourg  to-night,"  observed  he,  "but  have  a  particular 
engagement;  and  that  reminds  me,  I  must  get  one  of 
our  saps  to  answer  the  door  when  I  go,  for  I  must  be  off 
V^efore  seven.  Have  to  meet  a  x)articular  friend  of  mine, 
a  great  fox-hunter,  to  introduce  him  at  the  Blue  Dragon 
Yard,  wliero  he  wants  to  choose  a  teirier  for  the  gi-eat 
hunt  in  SuiTey  lie  Indongs  to.  Des  say  I  could  t;ike  you 
if  you  liked  ?" 

Cliarles  lia<l  a  taste  for  teiriers,  and  no  taste  for  his 
own  society,  and  without  ascertaining  wl'.at  Bowker's 
offer  amounted  to.  lie  gladly  accepted  it,  and  just  as 
that  worthy  had  fix<><l  for  liiiii  to  meet  him  at  his  snufT 
and  cigar  wiirehouKi!  in  Eagle  Sti-ec;!.  Fled  Lion  Square, 
old  Snarle  tinkled  the  b*-ll  for  his  biHcuit,  ;ind  Clinrles 
retimied  t<»  the  pupils'  room. 

Having  settled,  on  the  motion  t;f  Mr.  I.ulliugton.  that 
Charles  was  a  snob,  he  met  with  little  ennjuragement 
from  his  brother  pu])ilH.  They  nnswered  his  fiuestions, 
and  were  civil, but  that  was  all.  There  was  no  api)i'.aoli 
to  Ro<'irility.  riud  ;is  n  dirty,  Hli|)-Kliod  Hlraw-liojuii'ted 
h;\"   if  a  lauiuhcHH  scattered  some  block  tin  candleHtids 


222  HANDLEY   CROSS 

with  thick  Avicked  caudles  about  the  pupils"  room, 
Charles  repaired  to  a  neighbouriiig  chop-house,  to  kill 

time,  until  he  was  due  at  Mr.  Bowker's. 

*■****# 

At  the  appointed  hour,  a  fan-tailed  gas-light  revolving 
between  miniatm-e  negroes,  stopped  his  progress  up  the 
poverty-stricken  region  of  Eagle  Street,  and  looking  up 

— "BOWKER     AND      Co.'S     AVhOLESALE     AND      RETAIL 

Snuff  Warehouse,"  figured  in  gilt  capitals  above  the 
shop-front,  while  a  further  notification  of  "  The  Trade 
Supplied  "'  appeared  in  the  window,  though  the  coal- 
shed,  milk-shop,  pawn-broking,  huckstering  appearance 
of  the  dirty,  narrow,  irregularly  built  street,  gave  a 
palpable  contradiction  to  the  assertion.  Large  gilt- 
lettered  barrels  were  ranged  along  the  walls  and  floor 
of  the  shop,  and  the  lower  part  of  the  window  was 
strewed  with  snuft'-boxes,  meerschaums,  loose  cigars, 
and  wooden  rolls  of  tobacco. 

*'  Come  in  ! "  exclaimed  a  female  voice,  thi'ough  the 
sash-door,  drawing  a  green  curtain  aside  and  showing  a 
fire  in  the  little  back  parlour — as  Charley  hesitated 
about  entering,  on  seeing  the  shop  empty — "  Oh,  it's  Mr. 
Stobbs !  _"  continued  the  voice,  and  a  fine  fat  tawdry 
woman  in  ringlets  and  a  yellow  gauze  govni  with  short 
sleeves  made  her  appearance.  The  pleasure  of  being 
recognized  in  London  was  grateful,  and  Charley  readily 
accepted  the  lady's  invitation  to  enter  and  sit  down. 

"  Bill  11  be  here  presently,"  oljserved  she,  sweeping  a 
handful  of  filbert  shells  off  the  green  baize  table  cover, 
and  tkrowing  them  on  to  the  fire.  "  Take  a  glass  of 
brandy,"  said  she,  handing  a  tumbler  oft"  a  side  table, 
and  passing  the  bottle  to  Charley,  to  help  himself  and 
replenish  her  glass. 

"  'Ot  with  F  or  cold  without  ?  "  inquired  Mi's.  Bowker, 
pointing  to  a  little  black  kettle  singing  on  the  stand  on 
the  upper  bar  of  the  iii-e. 

Charles  took  hot  with,  and  so  did  Mrs.  Bowker;  and 
the  handsome  dancer  from  the  Cobourg  coming  in,  they 
all  had  hot  together. 

"Is  Stobbs  here?  "now  exclaimed  Bowker,  bursting 
into  the  shop,  with  liis  pea-jacket  collar  up  to  his  ears, 
and  a  low-crowned  broad-brimmed  hat  on  his  head. — 
"All,  you  I'oguel — what,  you've  found  youi-  way  to  the 
ladies,  have  you  ? "  continued  he,  throwing  open  the 
sa3h-door. — "  Well,  sony  to  inteiTupt  you,  but  my  friend's 
awaiting,  so  come  along  and  renew  your  acquaintance 
here   another   time.     Always    happy  to  see  you,  you 


BELINDAS  BKAU  223 

know."  Charles  bid  his  fair  friends  a  hasty  adieu,  aud 
Buwker,  thnistinff  his  ami  through  his,  led  the  way 
along  Eagle  Street  to  the  tm-ning  down  of  Dean  Street. 
Under  the  lamp  at  the  Holborn  end  stood  a  man,  in 
shape,  make,  and  dress  the  exact  counterpart  of  Bowker. 
Low-crowned,  hroad-l:>rimmed  hat,  pea-jacket  up  to  his 
ears,  tights,  and  Hessian  boots,  too. 

"  Sorry  to  have  kept  you  waiting,  sii-,"  said  Bowker,  in 
the  most  respectful  tone,  as  he  approached  the  figure. 
"Allow  me  to  introduce  my  friend  Mr.  Stobbs— York- 
shii-e  gentleman,  sir,  of  great  property— Mr.  Stobbs,  Mr. 
Jorrocks ;  Mr.  Joirocks,  Mr.  Stobbs,"  adding,  nuttu  voce, 
to  Stobbs,  "  member  of  the  Right  Worshipful  Company 
of  Grocers." 

Mr.  JoiTocks  raised  his  hat.  and  Mr.  Stobbs  did  the 
same,  and  then  Bowker  offering  an  arm  to  each,  they 
proceeded  on  their  way. 

High  Holboi-n,  what  with  its  carts,  coaches,  busses, 
and  general  traffic,  affords  little  opportunity  for  con- 
versation, and  it  was  as  much  as  tlie  trio  could  do  to 
keep  their  place  on  the  flags. 

"  Cross  here,"  obsei-ved  Mr.  Bowker,  as  they  neared 
the  nan-ower  part  of  the  street,  and  passing  under  an 
archway,  they  suddenly  entered  upon  darkness. 

Savage  yells,  mingled  with  the  worrying,  barking,  and 
howling  of  dogs,  issued  from  the  upper  part  of  a  build- 
ing on  the  right,  and  Bowker  with  difficulty  made  himself 
heard  as  he  halloaed  for  Slender  Bill. 

"  I  'opes  it's  all  right,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  twisting 
liis  watch  in  his  fob,  and  tripping  over  a  heap  of  some- 
thing that  lay  in  his  way. 

'■  Oil,  all  right,  I  assure  you,  sir,"  replied  Bowker, 
tripi^ing  up  also.  "Confound  the  rascals,"  continued 
lie,  "  near  as  a  toucher  broke  my  neck." 

"  Slendek,  a-hooi  ! "  roared  he,  after  three  or  four 
i ineffectual  lialloas.  "Coming,  masters!  coming!''  ex- 
claimed a  voice,  and  a  i^erson  appeared  on  the  top  of  a 
step-ladder,  holding  a  blacking-bottle,  with  a  candle 
stuck  in  the  neck. 

"Conic,  Billy!  come!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Bowker. 
ptjOviHlily.  ■■iii<l!i't  I  tell  you  to  be  on  tiie  hjok-out  for 
c(jiiii);my,  aud  iiere  you're  letting  uh  Wreak  our  necics  iu 
tiie  daik :  pretty  way  to  treat  gents :  hIiow a liglit, come ! "' 
Billy,  all  apologies,  tripi>ed  down  tlu*  ladder,  and  hold- 
ing the  caudle  low  enough  to  discover  the  steps,  crawled 
backwards,  followed  by  Mr.  Bowker  and  his  [);uty. 
"  What's  to  pay  '^  '  iuipiired  Mr.  Jorrocks,  us  he  reached 


224  IIANDLEY   CROSS 

the  landiug,  of  a  forbiddiiig-lookiuf?  one-eyed  haer,  sitting 
in  a  little  curtained  corner,  partitioned  from  the  scene 
of  action  by  a  frowsy  green  counterpane. 

■■  Oh,  Mr.  Bowker's  free  here,"  observed  Bill  to  his 
gentle  wife,  drawing  aside  the  curtain  and  exhibiting 
the  interior.  What  a  scene  presented  itself !  From  the 
centre  of  the  unceiled,  hugely-rafted  roof  of  a  spacious 
Imilding,  hung  an  iron  hoop,  stuck  round  with  various 
lengths  of  talloAv  candles,  lighting  an  oval  pit,  in  which 
two  savage  bixll-dogs  were  rolling  and  tearing  each 
other  about,  under  the  auspices  of  their  coatless  masters, 
who  stood  at  either  end  applauding  their  exertions.  A 
vast  concourse  of  ruffianly  spectators  occui)ied  the 
benches  rising  gradually  from  the  pit  towards  the 
rafters,  along  which  some  were  carelessly  stretched,  lost 
in  ecstasy  at  the  scene  below. 

Ponderous  draymen,  in  coloured  plush  breeches,  with 
their  enormous  calves  clad  in  dirty  white  cotton  stock- 
ings, sat  with  their  i-ed-capp'd  heads  resting  on  their 
hands,  or  uproariously  applauding  as  their  favourite  got 
the  tuni.  Smithfield  drovers,  with  their  badges  and 
knotty  clubs ;  huge  coated  hackney  coachmen ;  coatless 
butchers'  boys;  dingy  dustmen,  with  their  great  sou'- 
westers;  sailors,  with  their  pipes;  and  Jews,  with 
oranges,  were  mingled  with  Cyprians  of  the  lowest 
order,  dissolute  boys,  swell  pickpockets,  and  a  few 
simple  countrymen.  At  the  far  end  of  the  loft,  a  par- 
tition concealed  from  view,  bears,  badgers,  and  innu- 
meral)le  bull-dogs ;  while  "  gentlemen  of  the  fancy  "  sat 
with  the  great  i-ound  heads  and  glaring  eye-balls  of 
others  between  their  knees,  straining  for  their  turn  in 
the  pit.  The  yells  and  screams  of  the  spectators,  the 
baying  of  the  dogs,  the  growling  of  the  bears,  the  woiTy- 
ing  of  the  combatants,  and  the  appearance  of  the 
company,  caused  a  shudder  throiigh  the  frames  of  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  and  the  Yorkshireman. 

A  volley  of  yells  and  plaudits  I'ent  the  building  as  the 
white  dog  pinned  the  brindled  one  for  the  fourteenth 
time,  and  the  lacerated  animal  refused  to  come  to  the 
scratch,  and  as  the  pit  was  cleared  for  a  fresh  "  set-to," 
Slender  Billy,  with  a  mildness  of  manner  contrasting 
with  the  rudeness  of  the  scene,  passed  our  party  on,  and 
turned  out  two  coal-heavers  and  a  ticket-iioi'ter,  to  place 
them  advantageously  near  the  centre.  This  was  a  signal 
for  renewed  uproar. 

"  Make  vay  for  tlie  real  swellh)  wot  pay ! "  roared  a 
stentonan  voice  from  the  rafters. 


BELINDA  S   BEAU  225 

•' Crikey,  if y  the  Lord  Major ! "'  responded  a  shrill  one 
from  below. 

"Does  youi-  mother  know  you're  out?"  inquired  a 
squeaking  voice  just  behind. 

•  •'  There's  a  brace  of  plummy  ones  I  "  exclaimed  another, 
as  Bowker  and  JoiTocks  stood  up  together. 

"Luff,  there  I  luff!  Ije  serene!"  exclaimed  Slender 
BiUy,  stepping  into  the  centre  of  the  pit.  making  a  sign 
that  had  the  effect  of  restoring  order  on  the  instant. 
Three  cheers  for  the  Captain  were  then  called  for  by 
some  friend  of  Bowker's.  as  he  opened  his  pea-jacket; 
and  while  they  were  in  course  of  payment,  two  more 
Imll-dogs  entered  the  pit.  and  the  sports  were  resumed. 
After  several  dog-fights,  Billy's  accomplished  daughter 
lugged  in  a  Ijear,  which  Billy  fastened  by  his  chain  to  a 
ring  in  the  centre  of  the  ijit. 

'■  Any  gentleman,"  said  he.  looking  round.  '"  may  have 
a  nin  at  this  'ere  hanimal  for  sixpence ; "  biit  though 
many  dogs  struggled  to  get  at  him,  they  almost  all 
turned  tail  on  finding  themselves  solus  with  Bruin. 
Those  that  did  seize  were  speedily  disposed  of.  and  the 
company  being  satisfied,  the  bear  took  his  departure, 
uud  Billy  announced  the  badger  as  the  next  performer. 

Slender  Billy's  boy.  a  lad  of  nine  years  old,  had  the 
fii-st  i-uu  at  him,  and  brought  the  badger  out  in  his 
mouth,  after  which  it  wa.s  dra-wm  ]>y  terriers  at  so  much 
a  nm,  dui-ing  whicli  Mr.  Jonocks'criticized  their  per- 
foi-mances,  and  with  the  aid  of  Charley  Stol^bs  succeeded 
in  selecting  one  for  the  glorious  old  SuiTey. 

But  enough  of  Slender  Billy  and  his  bull-dogs.  He 
was  a  well-known  cliaracter,  but  all  we  have  to  do  with 
him  just  now  is  as  the  medium  of  introduction  between 
.Ton-ocks  and  Stobbs.  That  introduction  ripened  into 
intimacy,  and  many  were  the  excursicms  our  friends  had 
together,  JoiTocks  finding  casli.  and  the  Torkshireman 
company.  But  for  .Torrocks.  and  perhaps  Belinda,  Stobbs 
would   very   soon    have   left    the    law   wliose   «!rotchety 

•  luibbles  are  enoiigli  to  disguHt  any  one  with  a  taste  for 
truth  and  straiglitfoward  riding;  and  this  lengthened 
episode  brings  us  back  to  tlie  ])oint  fiom  which  we 
stai-t«d,  namely,  Charlfsy's  arrival  at  Handley  Cross. 

"  'Ow  are  ye.  my  lad  o'  wax  'f  "  exclaimed  Air.  JoiTOcks, 


bouncing  out  in  liis  sky-blue  dressing-gown  and  slippers, 
as  Charley  appeared  at  the  garden  gai<',  where  we  have 
most  unceremoniously  kept   him   standing  during  hir. 
int  rfxlurf  ion. 
"Delighted    to  sec    youl"    continued    Mr.   .JorrocLs, 


22(\ 


JIANDLKY    CROSS 


wringinfif  his  hand,  and  hoppmg  about  on  one  leg; 
"  most  'appy  indeed !  Bed  for  yourself — stable  for  your 
'oss;  all  snug  and  comfey,  in  fact.  Binjimin! — I  say, 
Binjimin ! " 

"  Coming,  sir !— coming ! "  replied  the  boy,  setting 
himself  into  a  fustian  coat. 

"  Take  this  'ere  'oss  to  the  stable,  and  bid  Pigg  treat 
him  as  one  of  his  own — waiiu  stall— thick  blanket — lots 
o'  straw — and  cinished  com  without  end.  Now,  come 
in,"  said  he  to  Stobbs,  "and  get  some  grub;  and  let's 
hear  all  about  it."    In,  then,  they  bundled  together. 

Pretty  Belinda  took  Charles's  proffered  hand  with  a 
blush,  and  Mrs.  JoiTOcks  re-entered  the  room  in  a  clean 
cap  and  collar  just  as  the  trio  were  settling  into  seats. 
What  a  burst  of  inquiries  followed ! 

"  'Ow's  the  dad  ?  "  asked  Mr.  JoiTocks. 

"  'Ow  did  you  come  ?  "  inquired  Mrs.  Jon'ocks. 

"  How  is  your  sister  ?  "  half  whispered  Belinda. 

"  Where  have  j'^ou  been  since  we  last  saw  you  H  "  was 
demanded  before  Stobbs  had  answered  any  of  the  pre- 
ceding, and  a  great  ci-y  of  conversation  was  got  up. 

In  the  evening  Mr.  Jorrocks  celebrated  the  event  with 
a  couple  of  bottles  of  fine  fruity  port,  and  a  night-cap  of 
the  usual  beverage — "  B.  and  W."  as  he  briefly  designates 
his  brandy  and  water. 


SNrO   AND    COMFKr 


CHAPTER    XXV 


MK.    JORROCKS    AT    EARTH 


'DkakMi:.  J. 


MASTER    took     a    cooling 
di-anght— a  couple  of  seidlitz 
powders— the  next  morning, 
intending  to  lie  at  earth,  as 
he  said,  and  was  later  than 
nsual  in  getting  down-stau-s. 
Stobbs  improved  his  oppor- 
tunity, and  got  sixteen  kisses 
of     Belinda,     according     to 
Ben's    reckoning,    who    was 
listening    outside,    ei-e    Mrs. 
Jorrooks   made    her   appear- 
ance  either.     A  voluminous 
coirespondence— a  week's  St. 
Botolpli's    Lane  letters,   and 
many  private  ones,  some  about 
liounds,   some   aliout   horses, 
awaited  our  master's  descent. 
The  first  he  opened  was  the 
following  from  our  old  friend 
Dick  Brag :  - 

"London. 


(■   n  VT^i^-.{   ^*^"*"   ■'    '"='>'   i'lv'lvo    a   «-liarge  of 

fickleness,  I  feel  it  due  to  myself  to  make  the  followintr 
communication  : 

"The  fact  of  my  liaving  ..fVered  iny  services  to  you 
Driving  tranRi.ired,  I  have  been  so  pcrs.'cntcd  with  remon- 
stranc^s  from  those  whose  judgment  and  gc.d  opinion  1 
value,  and  representations  of  the  imjx.licy  of  accepting 
office,  other  than  m  similar  cidministrations  to  those  I 
hj.v-  hf-ictofoip  co-oj>erat.-d  with,  that  T  icnllv  have  no 
•■'lt-in;.five  hut  most  ro8|Kictfully  lo  recpiest '  that  you 
will  ;,ii,,w  mc  to  withdraw  my  previous  communicatioii. 


228  HANDLEY   CROSS 

It  is.  I  assure  you,  with  great  reluctance  that  I  make 
this  aiinoTincemeiit,  knowing,  as  I  do,  by  sad  experience, 
the  difficulty  there  is  in  obtaining  talent  even  under  the 
most  favourable  circumstances,  let  alone  in  the  middle 
of  a  season,  when  every  body  worth  having  is  taken  up ; 
biit  it  is  one  of  those  casualties  that  cannot  be  helped, 
and,  in  making  this  communication,  allow  me  to  assure 
you,  Sir,  that  I  shall  always  speak  of  you  with  respect, 
Sir — yes,  Sir,  I  shall  always  speak  of  you  with  respect, 
Sir,  and  esteem  you,  Sir,  as  an  upright  gentleman  and  a 
downi-ight  fox-hunter.     Allow  me  to  subscribe  myself, 

■■  Yours  very  faithfully, 

"Rich.  Buaog. 

"  To  —  JoEliOCKS,  KSQUIKE, 

"  Handley  Cross." 

"  Ah !  Rich.  Bragg  indeed,"  grunted  Mr.  JoiTocks 
when  he  read  it,  '"  you  must  think  I've  a  deal  more  o'  the 
Michaelmas  bird  i'  me  than  I  'ave  to  believe  you  wrote 
this  afore  you  got  my  letter.  There,  Batsay,"  said  he,  as 
the  handsome  maid  now  entei-ed  with  the  hissing  urn. 
"t;ike  that."  handing  it  to  her,  "and  make  curl-papers 
on"l.  and  don't  you  be  so  'eavy  on  my  witey -brown." 

The  next  letter  he  selected  was  from  Mr.  Bowker. 

"Lincoln's  inn,  London. 
"Deak  Sik, 

-"'■■'"On  calling  to  pay  The  Life  for  your  advertisement 
of  '  A  hunting-man  wanted,'  he  expressed  a  wish  for  you 
to  contribi;te  information  respecting  the  siiort  with  your 
hounds ;  and,  knowing  I  had  the  honour  of  your  acquaint- 
ance, he  wished  me  to  sound  you  on  the  subject.  He 
says  he  gets  lots  of  pot-house  accomits  of  stag,  and  bag 
fox-hunting,  with  han-iers,  and  such  like  rubbish ;  but 
what  he  wants  is  real  sporting  accoulits  of  runs  with 
superior  establishments  like  yours.  An  editor,  you  know, 
can't  be  everywhere,  or  he  would  like  to  have  a  horse  in 
every  hunt  in  the  kingdom ;  l>ut  he  says  if  you  would 
have  the  kindness  to  f  uniish  (jff-hand  accomits,  he  would 
spice  them  up  with  learning  and  Latin.  He  has 
'Moore's  Dictionary  of  Quotations,'  and  can  come  the 
classical  quite  as  strong  as  the  great  Mr.  Pomponiua 
Ego,  whom  they  reckon  the  top-sawyer  in  that  line. 
Some  gentlemen.  The  Life  says,  send  their  accounts 
to  a  third  party,  to  l)e  copied  and  forwarded  as  from  an 
indifferent   jjerson;    but   that   consumes   time  without 


MR.   JORROrKP   AT   EARTH  229 

answering  a  <jood  end,  as  the  utmost  secrecy  may  be 
i-elied  upon,  and  The  Life  is  most  particular  in 
combing  them  into  English.  In  short,  gentlemen  un- 
accustomed to  public  wi-iting  may  forward  their 
accoimts  to  him  with  perfect  confidence. 

"  You  will  be  sorry  to  hear  the  Slender  is  in  trouble. 
He  had  long  been  suspected  of  certain  spiritual  ruunings, 
in  the  shai^e  of  an  illicit  still,  at  the  back  of  his  horse- 
slaughtei'ing  premises  in  Copenhagen  Fields,  and  an 
exciseman  was  despatched  last  Thursday  to  watch,  and. 
if  necessary,  take  liim.  Somehow  or  other  the  exciseman 
has  never  cast  up  again,  and  poor  Billy  has  been  taken 
up  on  suspicion  of  having  sent  him  to  that  bourne  from 
whence  no  traveller  returns.  I  hope  he  has  not,  but 
time  will  show. 

'■  Susan  Slummers  has  cut  the  Cobourg,  and  got 
engaged  at  Sadlers'  Wells,  under  the  name  of  Clarissa 
Howard.  I  said  if  she  was  choosing  a  name,  she  might 
as  well  take  a  good  one :  she  is  to  do  genteel  comedy,  and 
is  not  to  be  called  upon  to  paint  lilack  or  wear  tights. 
Her  legs  have  got  ratlier  gummy  of  late,  from  too  con- 
stant strain  on  the  sinews,  and  tlie  manager  wanted  to 
reduce  her  salary,  and  Susan  kicked  in  consequence; 
and  this  reminds  me  that  I  have  seen  a  blister  in  your 
stable — James's  or  Jones's,  I  forget  which — that  your 
groom,  Benjamin,  told  me  you  applied  to  horses'  legs 
when  they  are  enlarged.  Might  I  take  the  liberty  of 
asking  if  you  tliink  it  would  be  lieneficially  applied  in 
this  case  ? 

"  As  I  presume  from  a  letter  I  had  from  Mr.  Stobbs 
tlie  other  day  that  he  will  be  with  you  by  this  time, 

erhaps  you  will  have  tlie  kindness  to  inform  him  that 
rs.  B.  will  send  his  "baccy'  l)y  the  early  train  to- 
nion'ow,  along  witli  your  seidlitz  jjowders.  so  as  to  make 
one  parcel  do.  Old  Twist's  Imsiness  is  sadly  fallen  oft' — 
my  fees  have  diminished  a  third  —  though  w.v  twist 
hasn't.  We  have  only  half  the  number  of  pupils  we  had. 
That,  however,  makes  no  difference  to  me,  as  I  never 
got  anything  from  them  Imt  sauce.  I  Iiope  Mrs.  and 
Miss  Jorrocks  are  enjoying  the  jmre  air  of  Handley 
Cross.  We  are  enjoying  a  dense  yellow  fog  here — so 
thick  and  bo  damp,  that  the  gas-lights,  which  have  been 
burning  all  day,  are  hardly  visible;  I  tripped  over  a 
child  at  the  comer  of  Chancery  Lane,  and  jiitched  head- 
foremost into  an  old  cho8tnut-wf)n)an'R  roasting  oven. 

"  By  the  way,  1  road  an  advertifienifnt  in  a  north 
'■ountry  paper  the  other  day.  of  'the  eatflge  of  the  fog  in 


230  HANPT.EY   CROSS 

n  park  to  let.'  I  wish  some  one  wonld  take  the  eatajye 
of  it  here,  he"cl  f^et  a  good  hellyfiil,  I'm  sure.  Adieu. 
Excuse  haste  and  a,  bad  pen,  as  the  pig  said  when  he  ran 
away  from  the  Initcher;  and  believe  me  to  i-emain, 

"Dear  Sir, 

"  Yours  most  respectfully, 

"Wm.  Bowker. 

"To    .TOHK    JORROOKS,   EsQ., 

"  Master  of  Fox-Hoiinrts,  &c.,  &c., 
"  Handley  Cross  .Spa." 

Then  before  Mr.  Jorrocks  got  half  through  his  City 
lettei*s  and  made  his  pencil  observations  thereupon— who 
to  do  business  with,  whose  respectability  to  inquire  into, 
who  to  dun,  who  to  decline  dealing  with,  the  gossiping 
Handley  Cross  '  Paul  Pry,'  with  its  list  of  amvals, 
fashionable  millinery,  dental  surgery  advertisements, 
&c.,  having  passed  the  ordeal  of  the  kitchen,  made  its 
appeai'ance  with  the  following  impoi-tant  aimoiince- 
ment : — 

"The  Handley  Cross  (Mr.  Jorrocks's) 
Fox-hounds 

Will  meet  on  Wednesday  at  the  'Round  of  Beef  and 
Cari-ots.'  Appledove  Road,  and_  on  Saturday  at  the 
'Mountain  Daisy,'  near  Hookey's  Hutch,  each  day  at 
ten  o'clock. 

"  N.B. — These  hounds  will  hunt  Mondays  and  Fridays, 
with  an  occasional  bye  on  the  Wednesdays  in  future." 

"  Why,  you're  advertising,  I  see  ! "  exclaimed  Charley, 
on  I'eading  the  above. 

"  I  am,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTocks,  with  a  gi'in,  "  comin'  it 
strong,  ara't  I  ?  " 

"  Very,"  replied  Stobbs,  "  three  days  a  week — will  want- 
a  good  many  horses  for  that." 

"  O,  I  sha'n't  be  much  troubled  on  the  Wednesdays," 
rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  "  shall  jest  make  that  long  or 
short,  'cordin'  as  it  suits." 

'■  But  you'll  go  out,  I  s'pose,"  obsei-ved  Stobbs. 

"In  course,"  replied  JoiTOcks.  "In  course — only  I 
shall  go  out  at  my  own  hour — may  be  height,  may  be 
sivin,  may  be  as  soon  as  we  can  see.  Not  many  o'  these 
water  in' -place  birds  that'll  get  hup  for  an  'unt,  only  ye 
see,  as  I  wants  their  money,  I  must  give  them  walue 


MR.   JORROCKS   AT  EARTH  281 

received— or  siimmnt  like  it;  but  there's  nothing  like 
the  niornin'  for  makin'  the  foxes  cry  '  Capevi ! ' "  added 
he,  with  a  grin  of  delight. 

"  Nothing,"  assented  Stobbs. 

"  We'll  have  some  rare  chiveys  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks,  his  eyes  glistening  as  he  spoke. 

"  Hope  so."  replied  Stobbs.  adding.  "  let's  give  them  a 
trot  out  to-day.' 

"  To-day.'"  mused  oiir  mastei — "  to-day,"  repeated  he, 
thiixsting  his  hands  deep  in  his  pockets,  and  then  taking 
a  di-y  shave  of  his  chin — "  couldn't  well  go  out  to-day. 
To-moiTOw  if  you  like — got  a  lot  o'  letters  to  wi-ite  and 
things  to  do — not  quite  right  nouther — feel  as  if  I'd  eat 
a  hat  or  a  pair  o'  worsted  stockins." 

"  To-moiTOw  will  be  too  near  your  regular  day," 
obser^'ed  Stobbs. 

"  Ah,  tiiie.  so  it  would,''  assented  Mr.  Jon-ocks.  think- 
ing he  must  attend  to  appearances  at  first,  at  all  events. 

"  Better  give  them  a  round  to-day,"  continued  Stobbs, 
returning  to  his  point. 

"  Not  prepared."  mused  JoiTocks — "  not  prepared. 
Pigg  hasn't  got  himself  '  fettled  oop '  yet,  as  he  calls  it." 

"Oh.  yes,  he  has,"  replied  Stobbs — '"saw  him  trying 
on  his  tojis  as  I  came  down-stairs,  and  his  red  coat  and 
waistcoat  were  lying  on  the  kitchen  table." 

"  Indeed,"  i-eplied  Mr.  Jon-ocks — "  wonder  'ow  he  looks 
in  'em.     Only  a  lingly  lieggar  out  on  'em." 

"  He's  a  vai-mint  looking  chap,"  observed  Stobbs. 

"  Yes,  he  is,"  assented  Mr.  JoiTocks  ;  "'  'ope  he's  keen." 

"  How's  Ben  ott"  that  way  ?  '"  asked  Stobbs. 

"  Oh,  Bin's  a  fine  bouy,"  oVjseiwed  JoiTocks,  "  and  I 
makes  no  doubt  'ill  train  on.  Rome  wasn't  l)iiilt  in  a 
day,  Constantinople  nouther." 

'"Certiiinly  not,"  assented  Stobbs,  tliinking  if  Ben 
made  a  sportsman  he  was  very  much  mistaken. 

After  a  vigorous  attack  ui)on  the  muffin.s.  kidneys, 
fi-ied  ham,  raannalade.  and  otlier  good  thint,'s  adorning 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  breakfast  table,  our  Yorkshire  friend 
again  tried  to  draw  tlie  great  M.F.H.  for  a  day. 

"Couldn't  we  give  tlie  hounds  a  trot  out  by  way  of 
exercise,  think  ye?"  asked  lie. 

" Don't  know,"  grunted  Jorrocks  from  tlie  bottom  of 
his  coffee-cup.     "  Wot  good  would  that  do  ?  " 

"  Make  'em  handy,"  replied  Stobbs. 

"'Andy  enougli,'  rei>liod  our  mastor,  >K)lting  a  large 
pier*'  of  muffin.  "'Andy  as  ladies'  maids.  Can  do 
everything  cept  pay  their  own  pikes." 


232  HANDLEY   CBOSR 

Despite  this  confident  nsseition,  Sto1)bs  still  Ktuck  to 
liini.  First  lie  proposed  that  Pigg  and  he  should  take 
the  honnds  out  together.  This  Jorrocks  wouldn't  stand. 
"  Be  sure  to  get  into  mischief."  Then  Stobbs  thought 
it  would  do  Jorrocks  a  vast  deal  of  good  to  have  a  bump 
on  one  of  his  great  rough  horses.  Our  master  couldn  t 
quite  gainsay  this,  though  he  did  look  out  of  the  window, 
observing  that  the  sxm  had  risen  very  red,  that  he 
thought  it  would  rain,  and  he  shouldn't  like  to  get  wet. 

'■  Oh,  it  '11  not  rain,"  rejilied  Stobbs — "not  till  night  at 
least,"  added  he,  confidently. 

"Don't  know  that,"  grunted  Mr.  Jorrocks;  "Gabey 
seems  to  be  of  a  different  'pinion,"  added  he,  as  the  noble 
old  peacock  now  emerged  from  under  a  sun-bright  Por- 
tugal laurel,  and  stretching  his  neck,  and  flapping  his 
wings,  uttered  a  wild  piercing  scream. 

"  Dash  my  vig,  but  that  looks  like  it ! "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Jorrocks ;  adding,  as  he  caught  up  his  right  foot  with  a 
shake  of  his  head,  "  Gabriel  Junks  is  seldom  wrong,  and 
my  corns  are  on  his  side." 

Still  Stobbs  persevered,  and,  by  dint  of  agitation,  at 
length  succeeded  in  getting  Jon-ocks  not  only  to  go  out, 
but  to  have  a  draw  in  Newtimber  Forest;  Stobbs 
observing,  and  Joirocks  assenting',  that  there  would  be 
very  little  more  trouble  in  running  the  hoiuids  through 
the  cover  than  in  trotting  them  along  the  road.  And, 
with  some  misgivings,  Jon-ocks  let  Stobbs  go  to  make 
the  aiTangements,  while  he  applied  liiniself  vigorously 
to  his  letters. 


CHAPTER    XXYI 


A  QUIET   BYE 

IGG  was  all  eager  for  the  fray, 
and  readily  came  into 
StoljV»s'  sujrgestion.  that  they 
should  go  out,  and  just  take 
their  chance  of  finding  a 
fox,  and  of  his  going  to 
ground  or  not  as  luck  and 
his  courage  served. 

"Ai-'ll  gan  to'ard  Dun- 
can's, and  get  liis  grey  for 
wor  Ben,"  said  Pigg,  "gin 
ye'll  set  the  led  on  to  seddle 
the  rest."  adding,  "the 
Squi-er  ai-'s  warned  'ill  I'ide 
Arterxerxes." 

Off  then  Pigg  went  to 
Duncan  Nevin's,  and  re- 
turned with  a  woe-begone 
looking  horse  in  a  halter, 
Ijef  ore  Stohba  had  made  any  progress  in  his  department. 
Ben  was  not  to  be  found.  Neither  at  Mrs.  Candy  the 
tart-woman's,  nor  at  Mrs.  Biffin's  apple-stall,  nur  at 
Stran  the  saddler's,  nor  at  any  of  his  usual  haunts,  was 
anytuing  to  be  heard  of  tlin  Iwjy. 

The  fact  was,  he  liad  l.>een  unable  to  resist  a  rido  at 
the  back  of  a  return  chaise  passing  along  Juniper  Street, 
and  l>eing  caught  by  his  apron  in  tlie  spikes,  liad  been 
carried  lu-arly  to  Copse  Field  before  he  got  himself 
disentangled. 

Tli<^  oracle  Gabriel  liaving  continued  his  monitions, 
Mr.  JoiTocks  thought  to  make  tlin  aljsence  (^f  the  boy 
an  excuse  for  not  going,  l^ut  now  having  IxjthStobbsand 
Pigg  ranged  ii gainst  him,  he  was  soon  driven  from  the 
attempt.  Pigg  said,  "Srnii-er  Stolibs  wad  de  quit^  iir 
weal  aa  Ben,"  and  Jorrocks,  little  loth  at  heart  iierhaps. 


234  TFANPLKT   ORORR 

at  length  lioisted  liimself  on  to  Axterxerxes  with  a  swag 
that  would  have  sent  a  liglit-cai-cassed  horse  over,  letting 
the  now  smai-tly-clad  Pigg  ride  the  redoulitable  Xerxes. 
So  with  Stohbs  in  front,  jorrocks  with  the  hounds,  and 
Pigg  behind,  tliey  set  off  at  a  gentle  trot,  telling  the 
inquirers  that  they  were  only  going  to  exercise,  a 
delusion  that  Mr.  Jorrocks's  hat  seemed  to  favour. 

Blimp.  Innnp, — jog,  jog, — on  they  went;  Mr.  Jorrocks 
now  chiding,  now  coaxing,  now  dropping  an  obsenration 
fore  or  aft,  now  looking  at  the  sky.  and  now  at  his  watch. 

"  Des  say  we  shall  find  pretty  soon,"  observed  Mr. 
JoiTocks ;  "  for  they  tells  me  the  cover  has  not  been 
disturbed  this  long  time ;  and  there's  lots  of  lyin'— nice, 
and  di-y,  and  warm — foxes  like  damp  beds  as  little  as 
Christians.  Uncommon  pretty  betch,  that  Barbara, — 
like  Bravei-y  as  two  peas, — by  Billin'sgate  oitt  o'  Benedict, 
I  think.  'Opes  we  may  get  blood ;  it'll  do  them  a  deal  o' 
good,  and  make  them  steady  for  the  Beef  and  CaiTots. 
Wen  we  gets  the  'ounds  all  on  the  square,  we  'ill  'ave  the 
great  Mi'.  Pomponious  Hego  to  come  and  give  us  a  good 
hoiling.     Nothin'  like  soaj)." 

"  Hooi !  you  chap  with  the  turnip  caii. ! "  now  roared 
onr  mastei',  to  a  cartman  coming  up ;  "  vot  do  you  mean 
by  stickin'  yonr  gi-eat  iigly  wehicle  right  afore  my 
'ounds ! — Mr.  Jorrocks'  'ounds,  in  fact !  I'll  skin  ye 
alive !  "  added  he,  looking  at  the  man,  who  stood  staring 
with  astonishment.  And  again  they  went,  bump,  bump, 
jog,  jog,  at  that  i^leasant  post-boy  pace,  that  has  roused 
the  bile  of  so  many  sportsmen,  and  set  so  many  riders 
fighting  -with  their  horses. 

At  length  they  reached  the  cover  side, — a  long  wood 
stretching  up  the  sides  of  a  gently  sloping  hill,  and 
widening  towards  the  siunmit.  On  the  crown  there 
stood  a  clump  of  Scotch  firs  and  hollies,  forming  a 
landmark  for  many  miles  round.  Tixming  from  the 
high-road  into  a  grass  field  on  the  right,  the  party 
pulled  up  to  reconnoitre  the  groimd  and  make  their  final 
arrangements. 

"Now,"  said  Mr.  JoiTocks,  standing  erect  in  his 
stirrups,  and  pointing  with  his  whip,  which  had  the 
effect  of  making  half  the  pack  break  towards  the  cover, — 
"  Now."  said  he,  as  soon  as  he  had  got  them  turned,  "  this 
is  a  good  big  wood — 'two  'nndi-ed  acres  or  more — and 
they  tells  me  the  foxes  generally  lie  on  the  risin'  gi-ound, 
towards  the  clump.  The  vind's  north-vest ;  so  if  we  puts 
in  at  this  point,  we  shall  draw  up  it,  and  p'rhaps  get  close 
to  the  wai-mint  at  startin',  which  is  a  grand  thing ;  but, 


A   QFTET  BTK 


235 


howsomevev,  let's  be  doin'.  Draw  your  prirtlis.  Pi^£?.  or 
j-our  'oss  "11  slip  through  his  saddle.  Now  observe,  there 
are  three  rides— one  on  each  side,  one  hup  the  middle,  all 
leadin'  to  the  clump ;  and  there  are  cross  ones  m  all 
directions;  so  no  man  need  be  'fraid  o'  losm  hmiselt. 
Now  let's  put  in.    Pifrg,  open  the  wicket." 

"  It's  looked."  observed  Pigsf.  ninnmg  the  hammer  ot 
his  whip  into  the  rails,  throwing  himself  off  his  horse. 
and  pulling  a  gTeat  clasp-knife  out  of  his  pocket  as  he 
spoke.  ''  Sink,  Init  it  ave  trars  mar  knife  laugh  to  see  a 
lock  put  uix)n  leather."  added  he,  as  he  drew  the  huge 
blade  across  the  stiff  band  that  secured  the  gate.  Open 
flew  the  wicket— in  went  the  iiack  with  a  dash,  a  crash, 
and  a  little  music  from  the  riotous  ones,  which  gradually 
yielded  to  the  "  Have  a  cares ! "  and  "  Gently,  AVeniis ; 
'•  Gently,  Lousey  "  (Louisa),  with  the  ci*acks  of  the  whips 
of  Mr.  JoiTOcks  and  his  huntsman. 

"Now.  Pigg,  my  frind.  let's  have  a  touch  o  north 
country  science,"  obsem^ed  Mr.  Jorrocks.  bringing  his 
hoi-se  alongside  of  his  huntsman's,  "  I'd  like  weU  to  kill  a 
fox  to-dav;  I'd  praise  you  weri-y  much  if  we  did." 

"Aye, 'aye."  said  Pigg.  "  Hoic  in,  Lousey  I  bolid 
puddin's  better  nor  empty  praise.  Have  at  liim  there, 
StateBman.  old  boy,— ye  look  like  a  finder.  De  il  bon 
me,  but  ar  thought  ar  winded  him  at  the  crossm  there, 
aAded  Pigg.  pulling  his  horse  short  back  to  a  cross  ride 
he  had  just  passed.  "  Hoic  in  there.  Priestess,  ould  gal.'' 
said  he.  to  an  old  bla<-k  and  white  bitch,  feathering  round 
some  gorse  among  the  underwood;  waving  his  hand  as 
lie  spoke.  "  That's  gospel,  ar  wan-ant  ye,"  continued  he, 
watching  her  movements.  .     .  _,.  „ 

"  What  wiirt  tak'  for  t'ard  nag  ? '  mfiuired  Pigg,  ot  a 
besom-maker,  wlio  now  came  down  the  ride  with  a 
wi-etehed  white  Rosinante,  laden  with  stolen  brushwood. 
—"Have  at  him  there,  Challenger!"  si^eaking  to  a 
hound. 
"Twenty  shillin',"  replied  the  man.  . 

"Gie  ye  eight!"  was  the  answer.— " Yoo),  push  liim 
up ! "  to  the  hound. 

"Tak'  twelve."  rejoined  tlie  tinker.  ^  Good  horse- 
can  get  up  of  hisself,  top  puller  and  all !  " 

"Aye,  but  we  dinna  want  him  to  poole;  we  want  Inm 
to  eat."  replied  Pigg.  "  Ho'^  .«////.''  exclaimed  he;  "  ar 
has  him  !— Tat,i,v-ho  !  "  roared  Pigg.  cramnung  his  spurs 
into  his  horse,  iind  dashing  pawt  JorrockH  like  a  shot. 
Out  went  botli  horns  -twang— twang— twang  sounded 
Pigg's;  wow!  wow!  wow!  wont  J oiTocks's  in  deeper  and 


386  HANDTwEY   CROSS 

more  siiLstantial  notes,  and  in  a  very  short  time  the 
hody  of  the  pack  were  laid  on  the  scent,  and  opened  the 
concert  Avith  an  overpowering  burst  of  melody. 

"  Oh,  beautiful !  beautiful ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
in  raptures,  as  each  hound  put  his  nose  to  the  ground, 
and  acknowledged  the  cori'ectness  of  the  scent.  "  Oh, 
beautiful  indeed ! "  added  he,  thumping  the  end  of  his 
horn  upon  his  thigh,  as  though  he  were  cutting  large 
gun-waddings  out  of  his  breeches.  "  'Ow  trae  to  the 
line !  best  'ounds  in  England,  by  fai" — never  were  such  a 
pack  !  Shall  have  a  rare  Chevy — all  alone  to  ourselves ; 
and  when  I^ets  home  I'll  write  an  account  to  BeWs  Life 
and  The  Field,  which  nobody  can  contradict.  Hark 
forrard !  hai-k  forrard !  hark  forrard !  away ! "  continued 
he,  ramming  the  spurs  into  Ai-terxerxes's  sides,  to  induce 
him  to  change  his  lumbering  trot  into  a  canter,  which 
having  accomplished,  Mr.  JoiTocks  settled  himself  into 
a  regular  home  seat  in  his  saddle,  and  pounded  up  a 
grass  ride  through  the  centre  of  the  wood  in  a  peilect 
frenzy  of  delight,  as  the  hounds  worked  their  way  a 
little  to  his  right  with  a  full  and  melodious  cry. 

"  Hould  hai-d,  ye  sackless  ould  sinner ! "  now  cried 
Pigg,  crossing  the  main  ride  at  a  canter,  and  nearly 
knocking  Jorrocks  off  his  horse,  as  he  charged  him  in 
his  stride.  "  Had  (hold)  bye,  ar  say  !  "  he  roared  in  his 
master's  ear ;  "  or  ar'll  be  dingin'  on  ye  down  —  fox 
crossed  reet  in  onder  husse's  tail,  and  thou  sits  glower- 
in'  there  and  never  see'd  him." 

Out  went  both  the  hoi-ns  again  —  twang!  twang! 
twang  ! — wow !  wow !  wow  ! 

"  Hark  together !  hark !  get  fon-ard,  hounds,  get 
forrard ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks,  cracking  his  ponderous 
whip  at  some  lingerers  tliat  loitered  on  the  ride,  ques- 
tioning the  con-ectness  of  their  comrades'  cry.  "  Get 
fon-ard,  I  say,"  repeated  he,  with  redoubled  energy. 
"  Confound  your  unbelievin'  souls ! "  added  he,  as  they 
went  to  ci-y.  "  Now  they  are  all  on  him  again !  Oh, 
beautiful!  beautiful!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jon-ocks  in  ecsta- 
sies. "  I'll  lay  five  punds  to  a  fiddler's  farthin'  they  kill 
him.  Mischief  in  their  cry ! — a  rare  scent — can  wind 
him  myself."  So  saying,  he  gathered  up  his  reins  again, 
thrust  his  feet  home  in  the  stiniips,  crammed  the  spurs 
into  his  horse,  and  rolled  back  on  the  ride  he  had  just 
come  up.  "  Hark,"  now  cried  our  master,  pulling  up 
short  and  holding  his  hand  in  the  air,  as  tliough  he  had 
a  hundred  and  fifty  horsemen  at  his  tail  to  check  in 
their  career.     "Hark!"'   again  he  exclaimed;   "whoay, 


A   <iUIBT   BYE  287 

'o8S.  whoay!"  tiying"  to  get  Arterxerxes  to  stand  still 
and  let  him  listen.  "  Now.  fool,  vot  are  yon  champing 
the  hit  foi-  ?  --whoay.  I  say !  He's  turned  short  again ! 
Hoick  hack !  Hoick  back  I  They've  ovenim  the  scent," 
continued  he,  listening,  as  the  choi-us  gradually  died 
out ;  "  or."  added  he,  '"  he  may  have  got  to  ground."' 

"  Tally-ho  I "  now  screamed  JoiTOcks.  as  a  magnificent 
fellow  in  a  spotless  suit  of  i-uddy  fur  crossed  the  ride 
before  him  at  a  quiet,  stealing,  listening  sort  of  pace, 
and  gave  a  whisk  of  his  well-tagged  brash,  on  entering 
the  copse- wood  across.  "  Hoop  I  hoop  I  hoop  !  hoop ! " 
roared  Mr.  Jorrocks.  putting  his  finger  in  his  ear,  and 
halloaing  as  loud  as  ever  he  could  shout ;  and  just  as  he 
got  his  hora  fumbled  past  the  guai-d,  Dexterous,  Affable. 
and  Mercury  dashed  across  the  ride,  lashing  their  sterns 
and  bristling  for  blood,  and  Pigg  appeared  a  little  below, 
cantering  along  with  the  rest  of  the  pack  at  his  horse's 
heels.  '■  Here.  Pigg  I  there,  Pigg ! "  roared  Mr.  JoiTOcks; 
"just  by  the  old  iioak-stump.— Gently  now!  ah,  ware  'eel 
—that's  not  the  vay  of  him ;  he's  hover  to  the  left,  I  tells 
J  e.  That's  him !  Mercury  has  him.  Hoick  to  Mercury, 
hoick  I  get  away,  get  away,  get  away,  'ounds !  hoick 
together!  hoick  together:  Oh.  Pigg.  Avot  a  wopper  he 
is ! "  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  Pigg  joined  him  in  tlie 
ride.  "The  biggest  fox  whatever  was  seen — if  we  do 
but  kill  him — my  vig!  I'll  eat  his  tongue  for  supper. 
Have  it  grilled  'rum  yrano  salis,'  witli  a  /ce-tle  Cnyenne 
pepper,  as  Pomponius  Hego  would  say." 

*"Aye,"  replied  Pigg,  grinning  with  delight,  liis  cap- 
peak  in  the  air  and  tlie  tobacco- juice  streaming  down 
his  mouth  like  a  Chinese  mandarin.  "Ar'll  be  the  death 
of  a  shillin'  mysel'  I "'  Saying  which  he  hustled  his  horse 
and  turned  to  his  hoimds. 

Away  thpy  go  again  full  cry  across  the  cover  to  the 
utmoht  limits,  and  tlx-n  back  again  to  the  far  side.  Now 
the  fox  takes  a  full  ssving  round,  but  wont  (|uit-  now 
he  cuts  across  now  Mr.  Jorrocks  views  him,  and  swears 
he'll  have  his  bi-ains  us  well  as  his  tongue  for  supper. 
Pigg  has  him  next,  and  again  comes  Mr.  Jorrocks's  tuni. 
"D;uih  my  vig,  but  he's  a  t<jugh  un  I "  observed  Mr. 
Jorrocks  to  James  Pigg,  as  tlicy  mot  ag.iin  on  the  rising 
ground  at  the  tup  of  tlie  ride,  whore  Mr.  .Jorrocks  had 
Ijeen  fifteen  timo/j  and  Pigg  seventeen,  both  their  horses 
streaming  with  perspiration,  and  the  blue  and  yellow 
worsted  fronts  of  the  bridlo-i  emlx)ssed  with  foam. 
"  Dii-th  my  vit'.  hut  it':-i  a  niillion  ;iiid  it  liaM'  of  petties." 
contiuued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  looking  at  his  wati'h,aud  wooing 


238 


HANULEY   CROSS 


it  wanted  1  >ut  twenty  niiuutos  to  four,  "  thiit  we  adwer- 
tised,  for  there's  a  wast  o*  go  left  in  hiui  yet,  and  hell 
take  the  shine  oiit  of  some  of  our  "ounds  Ijefore  he  is 
done  with  them— send  them  cb-a^glin'  'ome  with  their 
stems  down — make  em  cry  capevi,  I'm  thinking." 

"Niverfear!"'  exclaimed  Pigg— "niver  f  ear  I— whativer 
ye  de,  keep  Tamboreen  a  rowlin' — yonder  he  gans !  ar 
wish  it  mayn't  be  a  fresh  un.    Anx't  di'aggled  a  bit." 


"the  biggest  box  whatever  was  seen" 

"Oh,  I  'opes  not!"  exehiimed  Mi-.  Jorrocks,  the 
picture  of  des])air.  "  Would  eat  liim,  brush  and  all, 
sooner  than  that.  Oli,  dear!  oh,  dear !  a  fresh  fox  would 
be  cniel — 'ounds  desei-ve  him — worked  him  well." 

"  Now  they  begin  to  chass  !  "  exclaimed  Pigg,  listening 
to  tlie  ripening  chonis.  "  Ayo,  Init  thei-e's  a  grand  scent  I 
— Ar'U  Ije  the  death  of  a  shillin'  if  we  de  but  kill  him. 
How    way,    ould    man,    how    way,"    continued    Pigg, 


A  (^UIET    l!\K  239 

cheeringly,  jerkinfj  liis  arm  to  induce  his  master  to 
follow.  ■■  Whatever  ye  de,  keep  Tamboreeu  a  rowlin" ! " 
continued  Pigg,  spiui-ing  and  jagging  his  horse  into  a 
canter. 

On  man  and  master  go — now  they  meet  Charley,  and 
all  three  are  together.  Again  they  part  company  for 
different  rides,  each  according  to  his  fancy.  There  is  an 
evident  improvement  in  the  scent,  but  whether  from  a 
fresh  fox,  or  tlie  hoimds  having  got  nearer  the  hunted 
one,  is  matter  of  doubt.  Mi".  JoiTocks  is  elated  and 
excited  beyond  expression.  The  hounds  are  evidently 
working  the  fox,  but  the  fear  of  a  fresh  one  rather  mars 
his  enjoyment.  The  hounds  turn  short,  and  Pigg  and 
Charley  again  join  Mr.  JoiTocks. 

"Al  man  alive,  but  they  are  a  dustin'  his  jacket!" 
exclaimed  Pigg,  pulling  up  to  listen ;— "  iv'ry  hund's  at 
him ;  "  saying  which  he  pulled  out  a  large  steel  box  and 
stuffed  his  mouth  full  of  tobacco. 

****** 

A  sudden  pause  ensues — all  still  as  death — not  a  note 
— not  even  a  whimj^er. 

"Wlio  hoop!"  exclaims  Mr.  JoiTocks  in  ecstasies — 
"  Who  hoop !  I  say— heard  the  leadin'  'ound  crack  his 
back  I    Old  Cniiser  for  a  guinea  ! " 

****** 

"  Yonder  they  gan ! "  cried  Pigg,  pointing  to  a  hog- 
l^acked  hill  on  the  left,  over  whicli  three  couple  of 
hounds  were  straining  to  gain  tlie  body  of  the  pack — 
saying  wliich  he  olapt  spxirs  to  his  hor.se  and  dashed  off 
at  full  gallop,  followed  by  Charles. 

****** 

"Oh,  dear  1  oh,  dear  I"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks.  the 
picture  of  despair-  "wot  sliall  I  do  J'  wot  shall  I  do!' — 
gone  away  at  this  lioui — strange  country — nol;ody  to 
pull  tlie  'edgCH  down  for  me  or  catch  my  'os  if  I  gets 
spilt,  and  there's  tliat  Pigg  ridiu'  as  if  there  was  not 
never  no  such  iiiaii  as  IiIh  master.  Pretty  kettle  of 
fish  I "  continued  Mr.  JoiTocks,  trotting  on  in  the  line 
they  had  taken.  A  bridle-gate  let  hiui  out  of  coyer,  and 
from  the  first  hill  our  iiiaster  sees  liis  lionnds  going  like 
niK'eons  over  tlie  large  grazing  grounds  of  Beddington 
Bottom.s.  with  Pigg  and  Stobb.s  a  little  in  the  i-eai'. 
riding  as  hard  as  evr-r  thfiv  lior.sos  cuii  lay  legs  to  tin' 
ground 

♦  *,•#••♦ 


-I'"  HANDLKY  OROBB 

"  'Ow  that  Scotch  be^^ar  rides  !  "  exclaiiued  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks,  eyemg  Pi^'g  s-oiiig  as  straight  as  au  arrow,  which 
exclamation  brought  liim  to  his  first  fence  at  the  bottom 
of  the  hill,  over  which  both  horsemen  had  passed  without 
disturbing  a  twig. 

"  'Old  trp,  'oss ! "  roared  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  seizing  the 
reins  and  whip  with  one  hand  and  the  cantrel  of  the 
saddle  with  the  other,  as  Arterxerxes  floundered  side- 
ways through  a  low  fence  with  a  little  runner  on  the 
far  side.  "  'Old  up  !  "  repeated  he,  as  they  got  scram- 
bled through,  looking  })ack  and  saying,  "  Terrible  nasty 
place— wonders  I  ever  got  over.  Should  ha'  been  di-und 
to  a  certainty  if  I'd  got  in.  Wouldn't  ride  at  it  again 
for_  nothin'  under  knighthood— Sir  John  .ToiTocks, 
Knight!"  continued  he,  shortening  liis  hold  of  his 
horse.  "  And  my  ladyship  Jon-ocks  !  "  added  he. 
'•  She'd  be  bad  to  'old— shouldn't  wonder  if  she'd  be  for 
goin'  to  Halmack's.  Dash  my  buttons,  but  I  wish  I  was 
off  this  beastly  fallow,"  continued  he;  "wonderful thing 
to  me  that  the  farmers  can't  see  there'd  l^e  less  trouble 
i'  growing  grass  than  in  makin'  these  nasty  rutty  fields. 
"Eayens  be  praised,  there's  a  gate— and  a  lane  too," 
saying  which  he  was  speedily  in  the  latter,  and  gathering 
his  horse  together  he  sets  ofB  at  a  brisk  trot  in  the 
direction  he  last  saw  the  hounds  going. 

Terribly  deep  it  was,  and  great  Ai-terxerxes  made  a 
noise  like  the  drawing  of  corks  as  he  blobbed  along 
through  the  stiff,  holding  clay. 

Thus  Mr.  Jorrocks  proceeded  for  a  uiile  or  more, 
until  he  came  upon  a  red-cloaked  gipsy  wench  stealing 
sticks  from  a  rotten  fence  on  the  left. 

"  'Ave  you  seen  my  'ounds,  ould  gal  ?  "  inquired  he. 
pulling  up  short. 

'■  Bless  your  beautiful  countenance,  my  cock  angel !  " 
exclaimed  the  woman,  in  astonishment  at  the  sight  of  a- 
man  in  a  scarlet  coat  with  a  face  to  match ;  "  bless  your 
beautiful  countenance,  you're  the  very  babe  I've  been 
looking  for  all  this  blessed  day  -  cross  my  palm  with  a 
bit  o'  siller,  and  I'll  tell  you  sick  a  fortin  !  " 

"  Cuss  YOUR  FOETIN ! "  roared  Mr.  JoiTocks,  sticking 
spurs  into  his  horse,  and  grinning  witli  rage  at  the  idea 
of  having  pulled  up  to  listen  to  such  nonsense. 

"I  hope  you'll  brick  your  neck,  ye  nasty  ugly  old 
thief! "  rejoined  the  gipsy,  altering  her  tone. 

"  'Opes  I  sharn't."  muttered  Mr.  JoiTocks,  trotting  on 
to  get  out  of  hearing.  Away  he  went,  blob,  blob,  bi()l>- 
bing  through  the  deep  liolding  clay  as  before. 


A  QUIET  BYE  241 

Presently  he  pulled  iip  aj^ain  with  a  "  Pray,  my  {^ood 
man,  'ave  you  seen  my  "oimds — Mr.  Jorrocks's  'oiuids, 
in  fact  ?  "  of  a  labourer  scouring  a  feuce-gutter.  "  Don't 
you  'ear  me,  man?"'  bellowed  he,  as  the  comitryman 
stood  staling  with  his  hand  on  his  spade. 

"  I  be  dull  of  hearin',  sir,"  at  length  diuwled  the  man, 
advancing  very  slowly  towards  our  master  with  his  hand 
up  to  his  ear. 

"Oh,  dear!  oh,  dear!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  start- 
ing off  again,  "  was  there  ever  sich  a  misfoi"tinate  indi- 
widual  as  John  JoiTOcks? — 'Ai-k!  vot's  that?  Pigg's 
'oni !  Oh,  dear,  only  a  cow !  Come  hup,  'oss,  I  say,  you 
hugly  beast!— there  sm-ely  never  was  sich  a  wortlaless 
beast  laijped  in  leather  as  you,"  giving  Arterxerxes  a 
good  douole  thonging  as  he  spolie.  "  Oh,  dear !  oh, 
dear!"  continued  he,  "I  wish  I  was  well  back  at  the 
Cross,  with  my  'ounds  safe  i'  kennel. — Vot  a  go  is  this  ! 
— Dinner  at  five — baked  haddocks,  x^rime  piece  of  fore 
chine,  Portingal  honions,  and  fried  plum-puddin' ;  and 
now,  ])y  these  darkenin'  clouds,  it  must  be  near  foui-, 
luid  here  I  be's,  miles  and  miles  away — "ounds  still 
runnin',  and  adwertised  for  the  'Beef  and  Carrots'  on 
Wednesday— never  will  be  tit  to  go,  nor  to  the  '  Daisy ' 
nouther." 

"Pray,  my  good  man,''  inquired  he  of  a  di-ab-coated,  liig- 
basketed  farmer,  on  a  Ixiy  cart-horse,  whom  he  suddenly 
encountered  at  tlie  tuni  of  the  road,  "  'ave  you  seen  any- 
tliing  of  my  'ounds  ?    Mr.  Jorrocks's  'ounds,  in  fact  ?  " 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  tlie  farmer,  all  alive;  "they  were 
running  past  Langford  plantations  with  the  fox  dead 
beat  close  afore  them." 

"  'Ow  long  since,  my  frind  ? "  inquired  Mr.  Jon-ocks, 
brightening  up. 

"  Oh,  why  just  as  long  as  it's  taken  me  to  come  here 
— meblje  ten  minutes  or  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  not  longer 
certainly.  If  you  put  on  you  may  Ije  in  at  the  doatli  yet." 

Away  went  spurs,  elbows  and  logs,  elbows  and  h'gs, 
Ai^terxerxes  was  again  impelled  into  a  canter,  and  our 
worthy  master  [tounded  along,  all  eyes,  ears,  iind  fears. 
Night  now  drew  on,  the  darkening  clouds  began  to 
lower,  bi'inging  with  tliem  fog  and  a  drizzling  rain. 
"  Bad  go  this,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  rubbing  his  hand 
down  his  coat-sleeve,  and  raising  liis  face  to  ascertain 
tlie  precise  amount  of  tlie  fall.  "  Bad  go,  indeed.  Got 
my  Sunday  'at  on,  too.  Hooi,  bouys !  did  you  see  th' 
'ounds  ?  "  inci^uired  he  of  a  troop  of  satchel-slung  youths, 
plodding  their  ways  homeward  from  schuol. 

It 


242  HANDLBY   CROSS 

"  Y-e-a-s/'  at  length  drawled  out  one,  after  a  good 
stare  at  the  inquirer. 

■'  'Ow  long  since  P  come,  quick,  boxxy  ! " 

"  May  be  twenty  minutes ;  just  as  we  com'd  past 
Hookeni-Snivey  cluirch  we  see'd  fox,  and  hounds  were 
close  ahint — he  was  rarra  tired." 

"  Twenty  minutes,"  repeated  Mr.  JoiTocks,  aloud  to 
himself ;  "  twenty  minutes — may  be  a  weiTy  long  way  off 
by  this;  foxes  travel  fast.    Vich  way  were  they  a-goin'  ?  " 

"  Straight  for  Staunton-Snivey,"  drawled  the  boy. 

"  My  vig ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  vot  a  run ;  if  we 
don't  kill  wen-y  soon,  it'll  be  pitch  dark,  and  then  there'll 
be  a  pretty  kittle  o'  fish — th'  'ounds  will  kill  all  the  ship 
(sheep)  in  the  country — shall  have  a  bill  as  long  as  my 
arm  to  pay." 

Fear  lent  fresh  impetus  to  our  worthy  friend,  and 
tightening  his  hold  of  Arterxerxes's  head,  who  now 
began  tripping  and  stumbling,  and  floundering  along  in 
a  most  slovenly  manner,  Mr.  JoiTocks  trotted  on,  and 
reaching  Hookem-Snivey,  saw  by  the  foot-people  stand- 
ing on  the  churchyard  wall  that  the  hounds  were 
"  forrard "  ;  he  turned  down  a  lane  to  the  left  of  the 
village  stocks,  in  the  direction  the  people  were  looking, 
and  catching  Staunton-Snivey  in  the  distance,  set  off 
for  it  as  hard  as  ever  he  could  tear.  A  pretty  clattering 
he  made  down  the  stony  road. 

Night  now  drew  on  apace,  and  heavy  darkening  clouds 
proclaimed  a  fast  approaching  stonn.  At  Staunton- 
Snivey  he  learned  that  the  hounds  had  just  crossed  the 
turnpike  on  to  the  Downs,  with  the  fox  "  dead  beat  close 
afore  them ; "  and  still  unwilling  to  give  in,  though  every 
moment  increased  his  diflBculties,  he  groped  open  a  bridle- 
gate,  and  entered  u])on  the  wide-extending  Plain.  The 
wind  had  now  risen,  and  swept  with  uncommon  keenness 
over  the  vinprotected  open.  The  di-izzling  rain,  too, 
became  changed  into  larger,  heavier  drops,  and  thrusting 
his  hat  ujoon  his  bi'ow,  Mr.  Jorrocks  buttoned  his  coat 
up  to  the  throat,  and  wrapping  its  laps  over  his  thighs, 
tucked  them  in  between  his  legs  and  the  saddle.  Dismal 
and  disheartening  were  his  thoughts,  and  many  his 
misgivings  for  his  rashness.  "  Oli,  dear !  oh,  dear ! " 
muttered  he,  " wot  a  most  momentous  crisis — lost!  lost! 
lost ! — completely  lost !  Dinner  lost !  'ounds  lost,  self 
lost — all  lost  together !  Oh,  vot  evil  genius  ever  tempted 
me  from  the  lovely  retirement  o'  Great  Coram  Street  ? 
Oh!  why  did  I  neglect  the  frindly  wanain'  o'  Gabriel 
Junks  P    Change,  change  —  stonn,  storm — was  in  his 


A  QUIET  BYE  243 

every  scream,  and  yet  I  would  go.  Cuss  the  rain,  it's 
gettin'  down  my  werry  back,  I  do  declare ; "  saying  which 
he  tiu-ned  the  blue  collar  of  his  coat  up  to  his  ears,  and 
both  laps  flew  out  with  a  desperate  gust  of  wind.  "  Ord 
rot  it,"  said  he,  "  it's  not  never  no  use  persewerin',  may 
as  well  give  in  at  once  and  'ark  back  to  Snivey ;  my 
Berlins  are  wet  thi-ough,  and  I  shall  be  cU-enched  in 
another  second.  "Who-ay,  "oss!  who-ay;  stand  still, 
you  hugly  beast,  and  let  me  listen."  The  ducking- 
headed  brute  at  length  obej-ed. 

_  *■  It  is  the  'oin,"  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTocks,  iifter  sitting 
listening  for  some  time,  with  liis  hand  to  his  ear ;  "  it  is 
the  'om,  Pigg's  not  far  off !  There  it  goes  again,  but 
the  'owling  wind  can-ies  so  many  ways,  there's  no  saying 
whereabouts  he  is.  I'll  blow,  and  see  if  I  can  'ail  him." 
Mr.  JoiTocks  then  drew  out  his  horn,  and  puffed  and 
blew  most  lustily,  but  the  raging  tempest  scattered  the 
notes  before  they  were  well  out  of  his  mouth,  and  having 
exliausted  his  breath,  he  again  paused,  horn  in  hand,  to 
listen.  Between  each  blast  of  the  raging  hurricane,  the 
faint  notes  of  the  hora  were  heard,  some  coming  more 
fully  as  the  gale  blew  more  favourably,  and  a  fuller  one 
falling  on  his  ear,  during  a  period  of  partial  lull,  Mr. 
JoiTocks  determined  on  advancing  and  endeavouring  to 
rejoin  his  lost  huntsman.  "  Come  hup,  I  say,  you  hugly 
beast ! "  exclaimed  he,  getting  Arterxerxes  short  by  the 
head,  and  digging  the  spurs  freely  into  his  sides.  The 
lumbering  biiite  acknowledged  the  compliment  with  a 
sort  of  half  hitch  of  a  kick.  "  Great  henterpriseless 
brute— do  believe  you'd  rayther  "ave  a  feed  o'  corn  than 
the  finest  run  wot  ever  was  seen,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
cropping  him.  Night  had  now  closed  in,  and  even  the 
sort  of  liglit  of  darkness  that  remains  so  long  to  the 
traveller  wlio  joiimeyH  onward  with  the  closing  day, 
desei-ted  him,  and  earth  and  sky  assmned  the  same 
sombre  hue  :  - 

"  The  tiraxou  wiujf  of  night  o'oihprciul  tho  cartli." 

Scarce  a  star  was  vi.sible  in  I  ho  finiiament,  and  tlie  few 
scattered  lights  that  appeared  here  an<l  tlioie  about  the 
country,  seemed  like  snatches  of  hope  lit  up  for  the 
moment  to  allure  and  peri)lex  the  wanrlerei-. 

"If  ever  mortal  man  catches  me  in  such  a  (juandary 
as  this  a^'ain,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "I  'opes— oh, 
dear  I  wlio  8  there  i*— Cns  those  seidlitz  poodors  !  Sjicak.' 
I  say  :— vot  are  you  ?— Come  imp,  'ohh.  1  say  !  "  roared  he] 
ramming  the  spiua  into  Arter.^erxes,  who  had  suddenly 


244  HANDLEY   CROSS 

shied  off  with  a  loud  snort.  "  Now  for  a  murder ! " 
ejaculated  Jorrocks,  still  cramming  in  the  spurs. 

"  E-yah  !  E-yah  !  E-yah  !  "  went  a  donkey,  greatly  to 
the  relief  of  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  mind,  who  had  clenched  his 
huge  hammer-headed  whip  Ijy  the  middle,  so  as  to  give 
an  assailant  the  full  benefit  of  its  weight.  Out  then 
went  his  hoi'n  again,  and  the  donkey  brayed  a  full 
accompaniment. 

*'  Oh,  the  deuce  be  w4th  the  hanimal !  "  cried  JoiTocks, 
grinning  with  vexation,  "  never  saw  a  donkey  yet 
that  knew  when  to  'old  his  tongue.  Oh,  my  vig,  vot  a 
vind !  almost  blows  the  'orn  itself.;  shall  be  blown  to 
hatoms,  I  do  believe.  And  the  rain  too !  I  really  thinks 
I'm  wet  to  the  werry  waistband  o'  my  breeches.  I'll  lay 
a  guinea  'at  to  a  half-crown  gossamer  I  haven't  a  diy 
thread  upon  me  in  'alf  a  minute.  Got  a  five-pund  note 
i'  my  pocket  that  will  be  hutterly  ruined.  Sarves  me 
right,  for  bein'  such  a  hass  as  take  these  'ounds — vy 
wasn't  I  content  with  the  gloi-ious  old  Surrey  and  an 
occasional  turn  with  the  Cut-'em-downs  ?  Well ;  I 
thinks  this  night  wall  be  the  last  of  John  Jorrocks  I 
Best  master  of  'ounds  wot  ever  was  seen.  'On-ible 
teiinination  to  a  hactive  life ;  starved  on  a  common — eat 
by  wolves,  or  shepherds'  dogs,  which  is  much  of  a 
muchness  as  far  as  comfort's  concerned.  Why  even  yon 
donkey  would  be  'shanied  of  such  an  end.  There  goes 
the  vind  with  my  'at — lucky  it's  tied  on,"  added  he,  ti-ying 
to  catch  it  as  it  dangled  at  his  back,  "  or  I  should  never 
have  seen  it  no  more.  I'd  give  fifty  punds  to  l)e  back 
at  'Andley  Cross — I'd  give  a  'uudei'd  punds  to  be  back 
at  'Aiidley  Cross — knows  no  more  where  I  am  than  if 
I  was  among  the  Bohea  mountains — oh,  dear,  'ow  it 
pours !  I'd  give  two  'underd  punds  to  be  back  at  'Andley 
Cross — youder's  a  light,  I  do  declare — two  on  'em  -come 
hup,  'oss,  I  say.  The  hanimal  seems  to  have  no  sense  ! 
I'll  lead  you,  you  nasty  hugly  bi-ute,  for  I  do  believe 
you'll  brick  my  neck,  or  my  back,  or  both,  arter  all ; " 
so  saying,  Mr.  JoiTocks  clambered  down,  and  getting  on 
to  the  sheltered  side  of  the  animal,  proceeded  to  .plunge 
and  roll,  and  stagger  and  stumble  across  the  common, 
with  the  water  churning  in  his  great  boots,  in  the  direc- 
tion of  the  distant  lights. 

After  a  good  hour's  roll  about  the  open  Downs,  amid 
a  most  pelting,  pitiless  stonn,  our  much-respected  master 
at  length  neared  the  longed-for  lights,  which  he  had  kept 
steadily  in  viev/,  and  found  they  proceeded  from  lamps 
at  lodges  on  either  side  of  handsome  gates,  betokening 


A  QUIET   BYE  245 

the  entrance  to  a  lar^e  demesne.  Mounting  his  horse, 
he  rode  quickly  througrh  the  srates,  and  ti-usting  to  the 
sound  of  Aiierxerxes'  hoofs  for  keeping  the  road,  he 
jogged  on  in  search  of  the  mansion.  Tall  stately  pines, 
rising  like  towers  to  heaven,  with  sombre  yews  in 
massive  clumps,  now  made  darkness  visible,  and 
presently  a  sudden  turn  of  the  road  brought  a  large 
screen  full  of  lights  to  view,  some  stationary,  others 
gliding  about,  which  acted  like  sunbeams  on  our  master's 
mind ;  more  grateful  still  was  the  shelter  afforded  hj  the 
lofty  portals  of  the  entrance,  under  which,  as  if  by 
instinct,  Arterxerxes  bore  his  master,  and  then  stood  stiil 
to  be  delivered  of  his  load.  "  The  bell  'ill  be  somewhere 
here,  I  guess,"  obseiwed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  dismounting  and 
running  his  hand  up  either  side  of  the  door-posts. 
"  Here's  as  mucli  door  as  would  serve  Jack  the  Giant- 
killer's  castle  and  leave  a  little  over."  So  saying,  having 
gi-asped  the  bulky  liandlc  of  a  wall-ensconced  bell,  he 
gave  it  a  hearty  pull,  and  paused,  as  they  say,  for  an 
answer. 

In  an  instant,  two  tall,  highly-powdered  footmen,  in 
ricli  scarlet  and  white  lace-bedaubed  liveries,  threw  wide 
the  folding-doors  as  thoiigh  they  expected  Daniel 
Lamljert,  or  the  gi'eat  Durham  ox,  exhibiting  a  groom 
of  the  chamber  and  a  lusty  porter,  laying  down  the 
newspapers,  and  liurrying  from  a  l)lazing  fire  in  the 
1  lack-gi-ound. 

"  Perhaps  you  would  like  to  be  shown  to  your  room,  sir, 
as  you  seem  wet?  "  ol)served  the  groom  of  the  chamber, 
after  a  mutual  stare,  which  Mr.  Jon-ocks  did  not  seem 
likely  to  intemipt. 

"Seem  vet!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  stamping  and 
shaking  himself,  "seem  vet;  I'm  just  as  vet  as  a  man 
can  l)e,  and  no  vetter;  but  what  shall  I  do  witli  my  'oss  ? 
The  niusciful  man,  you  know,  is  musciful  to  his  quad." 

"  Oh,  there's  a  stiill  all  rojidy  for  him.  sir;  your  servant's 
l)een  liere  this  'alf-liour  aud  moi-e;  I'll  soixl  IIk;  'orse 
round  for  you,  if  you'll  ;illow  uie,  sii'.  Hero,  Jones,  take 
hold  of  him,  and  you.  Peters,  nin  down-stairs  and  tell 
Saul  to  come  and  tiikc  it  round." 

"  Yes,"  axlded  Mr.  JoiTocks  ;  "and  tell  Pigg  to  lot  him 
have  some  wni-ni  gniol  directly,  and  to  got  him  well 
done  huj),  for  ho's  had  a,  hard  day.  Worry  clover  of  the 
chap,"  continued  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  "  runnin"  to  ground  here 

sooms  a  mpital  house— wot  a  ptissage !  like  the 
Thames  Tunnel."    Jon-ocks  then  8tumi)ed  in. 


21.fi 


HANDLBY  CROSS 


''TIlis  wny,  if  yon  please,  sir,"  said  the  f^room  of  the 
chamber,  motioiiiiig  hiui  across  a  majLjnificent  old 
baronial  hall,  and  turning  short  up  a  well-lit,  softly- 
carpeted  winding  staircase,  he  preceded  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
with  a  chamber  candle,  along  a  lengthy  gallery,  all  hung 
with  portraits  of  gi-im-visaged  warriors,  and  small- 
waisted,  large  looming  ladies.    "  This  is  your  room,  sir," 


Ml!.    JOEUOCKS   AT   ONGAR    CASTLE 


said  he,  at  length,  opening  a  partially  closed  door,  and 
ushering  Mr.  Jorrocks  into  a  sijlendidly  furnished 
apartment,  whose  blazing  fire,  gleaming  on  the  rich 
crimson  cui-tains  and  hangings  of  the  room,  impai-ted 
a  glow  that  long  exposure  to  the  unruly  elements  made 
appear  quite  enchanting.  "  'Eavens  be  praised  for  these 
and  all  other  mercies ! "  exclaimed  the  grateful  Mi-. 
JoiTOcks,  throwing  his  hat  and  whip  upon  the  sofa,  and 


A   QUIET   BYE  217 

plivnging  into  the  luximous  depths  of  a  many-cushioned 
easy-chair. 

"  Yoiu"  clothes  arc  hiid  out,  I  think,  sir,"  observed 
the  gi'ooni  of  the  chamber,  casting  a  glance  at  another 
sofa,  on  which  clean  linen,  di-ess  clothes,  shiny  thin 
shoes,  were  ranged  in  the  most  orthodox  order. 
"  P'rhaps  you'd  like  some  hot  water,  sir  ?  " 

"Yes,  I  should,"  replied  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  "werry 
much — and  a  little  brandy,  if  yoviVe  no  objection." 

"  Cei-tainly,  sir,  cei-tainly,"'  replied  the  well-di'illed 
seiTant,  giving  the  top  log  on  the  fire  a  lift  so  as  to 
make  it  blaze,  and  ligliting  the  toilet-table  candles. 

All  this  i^assed  with  such  extraordinary  rapidity — 
the  events  of  the  day  had  been  so  numeroiis  and  exciting 
— the  transition  from  the  depths  of  miserj'  to  the 
height  of  luxiiiy  so  sudden,  and,  aljove  all,  the  perfect 
confidence  of  the  servant  so  seductively  convincing, 
that,  not  doubting  of  the  accuracy  of  everything,  and 
placing  all  to  the  credit  of  his  renoviTied  name  and  the 
acuteness  of  his  northern  huntsman,  Mr.  Jon-ocks  pro- 
ceeded with  the  aid  of  a  boot- jack  to  suck  off  his 
adhering  boots,  and  divest  himself  of  his  well-soaked 
gaiTuents.  The  sei-vant  presently  retunaed  with  a  long- 
necked  Vjottle  of  white  brandy  on  a  massive  silver  tray, 
accompanied  with  hot  water,  lemon,  sugar,  nutmeg,  and 
a  plate  of  Vjiscuits.  Seeing  Mr.  Jorrocks  advancing 
rapidly  to  a  state  of  nudity,  he  placed  them  on  a  table 
near  the  fire,  and  i)ointing  to  a  bell  beside  the  bed,  ob- 
served tliat  if  Mr.  Jorrocks  would  ring  when  lie  was 
ready,  he  would  come  and  Cf)nduct  liim  to  the  drawing- 
room.     The  sei-vant  then  withdrew. 

"  Wonder  if  Pigg's  killed  the  fox,"  observed  Mr.  3oy- 
rocks  to  himself,  pouring  out  half  a  tumbler  of  brandy 
jiiii]  filling  the  glass  up  with  hot  water.  "Capital  fun 
'tinting,  to  Ik;  Hurc,"  said  he,  sipping  away;  "'specially 
ven  one  gets  into  a  good  (niai-ter  like  tliis."  continnod  lie, 
jerking  bis  head.  "  but  despei'ation  ooor  fun  sleejiin'  on  a 
common  !"  and  thereupon,  after  a  lew  more  preliminary 
sips,  he  drained  off  the  tumbler. 

"  May  as  well  vet  both  eyes,"  observed  he,  as  ho  felt 
the  grateful  influence  of  thf  bran<ly  ujion  his  nearly 
exhaiist/id  fi'aine,  saying  whidi  he  pon'-e<l  hinisflf  out 
another  half  tninbler  of  brandy,  and  ac.ding  sugar  and 
Iftnion,  ilrank  ()ff  a  good  part  of  it,  and  left  the  remainder 
till  he  got  hiniHolf  washeil. 

"  WeiTV  considerate!  this,"  said  lio,  "  worry  consirlerato 
indeed,"  lie  repeat<.'<l.  taking  a   Inge  'J'uikcy  sponge  out 


248  HANDLEY   CROSS 

of  the  handle  of  a  hip  batli  of  warm  water,  shaded  from 
the  tire  by  a  gki8s  screeii,  inside  of  which  upon  a  rail 
hunff  a  row  of  baked  towels.  "  Kettle  too,"  said  he,  now 
attracted  by  its  simmerino",  "  may  as  well  have  a  boil ;  " 
so  sayinjsr,  he  emptied  the  contents  into  the  bath,  and 
pullinq-  oif  his  wig-,  proceeded  to  wash  and  disport  himself 
therein,  using  the  sponge  as  if  it  was  his  own.  In  the 
midst  of  his  ablutions  the  door  opened,  and  through  the 
glass  screen  lie  saw  a  servant  in  a  dark  coat  and  scarlet 
waistcoat  enter,  and  hastily  retire  as  he  caught  a  glimpse 
of  our  white  Hottentot-like  hero  squatting  in  the  water. 
Out  Mr.  Jon-ocks  got  and  bolted  the  door,  and  hearing 
something  going  on  in  the  passage,  he  listened  for  a 
moment  and  caiight  divers  scraps  of  conversation,  appa- 
rently between  a  servant  and  his  master,  such  as,  "  Why, 
you  stupid  fool,  don't  you  know  the  room  ?  You  certainly 
are  the  greatest  ass  ever  man  encumbered  himself  with." 

"  Beg  pardon,  sir,  I  could  have  sworn  that  was  the 
room." 

"  Stuff  and  nonsense !  look  along  the  passage ;  the 
doors  ai'e  all  so  much  alike,  no  wonder  a  fool  like  you  is 
puzzled;"  saying  which  the  voices  moved  along,  and 
Mr.  JoiTOcks  heard  knocking  and  opening  of  doors  all 
along  the  gallery,  until  tliey  gradually  died  away  in  the 
distance.  Our  hero  had  just  done  with  his  bath,  and 
finished  his  brandy  and  water,  when  the  sound  of  re- 
turning footsteps  again  drew  his  attention  to  his  door, 
and  an  angry  voice  and  a  meek  one  sounded  alternately 
throiigh  the  panels. 

"Now  what  are  you  staring  there  about,  you  great 
idiot — keeping  me  shivering  in  my  wet  clothes  ?  If  this 
in  the  room,  why  don't  yon  knock  ?  " 

"  Please,  sir,  there's  a  gen'leman  in." 

"  How  d'you  know  ?  " 

"  Saw  him,  sir." 

"  Then  it  can't  be  my  room." 

"  Laid  your  clothes  ovit  in  it,  howsomever,  sii'." 

"  How  do  you  know  this  is  it  ?  " 

"  'Cause  I  tied  this  bit  of  straw  round  the  'andle  of  the 
door." 

"  Then  knock  and  ask  the  gentleman  to  let  you  in,  and 
get  my  clothes  out  again.  You've  put  them  into  the 
^vl•ong  room,  that's  the  long  and  shoi-t  of  the  matter — 
stupid  fool ! "  The  sei-vant  then  ventured  a  very  respect- 
ful double  tap. 

'■  Who's  there  ? "  roared  Jon-ocks,  in  a  voice  of 
thunder. 


A  QUIET   BYE 


249 


"  Beg  pardon,  sii-, — but  I  think  I've  made  a  mistake, 
sir,  with  master's  clothes,  sir." 

"  No,  YOU  haven't  ! "  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  the  same 
sweet  tone  as  before. 

"  Oh,  Ijeg  pardon,  sir,"  rejoined  the  servant. 

"Now  ARE  YOU  SATISFIED?"  roared  the  master  in 
the  JoiTOckian  strain.  "  Go  along,  you  fool,  and  seek 
a  servant." 


In  a  few  minut^H  there  was  a  renewed  and  increased 
noise  outsidf,  and  Mr.  JoiTocks  now  recognized  the 
lijnnd  voice  of  his  friend  the  groom  of  the  (.•haml)er. 

'■  Beg  pardon,  sir,"  said  he  softly  tlmmgli  the  door, 
"but  would  you  allow  mo  to  spetik  to  you  for  a 
moment  ?  " 

"  Certainly, "  rcjilicd  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  "l;illc  llu'ongli  (he 
door." 


250  HANDI.EY   CROSS 

"  Please,  sir,  would  j'cni  'bligre  lue  with  your  name,  sir  ?  " 

"  Certainly !  Mr.  Jorrocks,  to  be  sure !  The  M.F.H. ! 
Who  else  should  it  be  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  fear,  sir,  there's  a  mistake,  sir.  This  room,  sir, 
was  meant  for  Captain  Widowfield,  sir.  Those  are  his 
clothes,  sir." 

"  The  deuce ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTocks,  in  disgiist. 
'■  Didn't  PifTf^  tell  you  I  was  a  comin'  ?  " 

■■  It  was  the  captain's  servant  I  took  for  yours,  sir." 

"  Humph ! "  gi-unted  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  that  won't  do ;  at 
all  ewents,  I  can't  part  with  the  garments." 

'"I  will  thank  you,  sir,  to  let  my  servant  remove  my 
clothes  from  my  room,"  observed  Captain  Widowfield, 
in  a  slow,  detennined  tone  thi-ough  the  door. 

'*My  good  frind,"  replied  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  altering  his 
accents,  ''  'ow  is  it  possible  for  me  to  part  with  the  gar- 
ments when  I've  uothin'  o'  my  ovsm  but  wot's  as  drippin' 
wet  as  though  I'd  been  dragged  tlu-ough  the  basin  of 
the  Paddin'ton  Canal  P  reg'larly  salivated  in  fa(;t ! " 

"  I  have  nothing  to  do  Avith  that,  sir,"  exclaimed  the 
captain,  indignantly  ;  "  I'm  wet  myself.  Will  yoii  open 
the  door,  I  say  ?  '' 

"No,  I  von't,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "and  that's  the 
plain  English  of  it ! "  So  saying,  he  swaggered  back  to 
the  fire  with  the  air  of  a  man  resisting  an  imposition.  He 
then  mixed  himself  a  third  tumbler  of  brandy  and  water. 

It  may  be  well  here  to  mention  that  the  mansion  in 
which  Mr.  JoiTOcks  so  suddenly  found  himself  was 
Ongar  Castle,  where  Michael  Hardey,  the  founder  of  the 
Hunt,  found  himself  at  the  end  of  his  long  and  successful 
lam.  The  vicissitudes  of  many  years  had  thrice  changed 
the  ownership  of  the  castle  since  the  day  when  the  goixl 
earl  gi'eeted  our  primitive  sportsman  on  killing  his  fox 
before  the  castle  windows,  and  the  present  possessor  was 
nephew  to  that  nobleman,  who  having  that  day  attained 
his  majority,  was  aljout  to  celebrate  the  event  among  a 
party  of  friends  and  neighbours. 

Having  waited  until  half-past  six  to  welcome  Captain 
Widowfield,  before  dressing,  his  lordshi^j  at  length  con- 
cluded the  storm  had  prevented  his  coming;  and  the 
party,  consisting  of  five  or  six  and  twenty,  were  in  the 
act  of  retiring  to  their  respective  apartments  to  prepare 
for  dinner,  when  Walker,  the  aforesaid  groom  of  the 
chamber,  came  hurrying  along,  pale  in  the  face  from 
the  parley  in  the  passage,  followed  by  the  captain  in  a 
high  state  of  exasperation,  to  announce  the  appearance 
of  an  uninvited  guest.     No  sooner  was  the  name  "  Jor- 


A  QUIET  BYE  25] 

rocks  "  announced,  than  a  shout  of  triumph  and  a  roar 
of  laughter  Imrst  from  all  present ;  and  after  learning 
the  particulars  of  his  arrival,  which  seemed  to  fill  every- 
one with  ecstasies  (for  during  the  long  wait  before 
di'essing,  they  had  talked  over  and  abused  all  their 
absent  friends),  his  lordshiii  begged  the  gallant  captain 
to  be  pacified,  and  put  up  with  a  suit  of  his  clothes  for 
the  evening. 

"It  was  no  use  being  angry  with  old  JoiTOcks,"  he 
obsei-ved,  "  whom  everybody  said  was  mad ;  and  he 
tinisted  the  amusement  he  would  afford  the  company 
would  atone  for  the  inconvenience  he  had  subjected  his 
good  friend  the  captain  to." 

The  doctrine,  though  anything  but  satisfactory  to  a 
man  burning  for  vengeance,  seemed  all  the  consolation 
the  captain  was  likely  to  get,  so,  returning  with  Walker, 
he  boiTowed  the  roomiest  suit  of  Lord  Bramber's 
clothes,  and  while  attiring  himself  in  them,  he  con- 
si  dei'ed  how  best  he  could  have  his  revenge. 

Meanwhile  our  hero,  having  disposed  of  his  third 
timibler  of  stiff  brandy  and  water,  which  contributed 
materially  to  the  restoration  of  his  usual  equanimity, 
began  to  appi'opriate  the  clothes  so  conveniently  laid 
out  on  the  sofa. 

Captain  Widowfield  was  a  stout,  big  fellow,  as  bulky 
as  JoiTocks,  and  much  taller,  and  being  proud  of  his 
leg,  was  wont  to  adorn  his  lower  man  in  shorts  on  high 
days  and  liolidays ;  so  having  dra-wn  on  a  pair  of  fine 
opon-ril>)x.'d  liLick  silk  stockings,  over  the  gauze  ones, 
Mr.  .Torrocks  speedily  found  himself  in  a  pair  of  shorts, 
which,  l>y  dint  of  tiglit  girthing,  he  managed  to  bring 
up  to  the  middle  of  his  calves.  The  captains  cravat 
was  of  black  satin,  the  waistcoat  a  white  one,  articles, 
as  Mr.  JoiTocks  oltsorvod,  tliat  could  be  reefed  or  let  out 
to  fit  anyone,  and  having  plunged  into  the  I'ocmiy 
recesses  of  a  l«lue  coat,  with  Conservative  liuttons,  he 
suiweyed  tlie  wliolo  in  the  cheval  glass,  and  pronounced 
them  "  wen-y  good."  He  then  exchanged  the  captain's 
lily  and  rose  worked  slijipers  for  his  i)at<'nt  ]<'ather 
l)imii)H.  and  the  Iiraiidy  iicting  f()rcil)ly  on  iin  empty 
stoinacli,  biuiislied  ;ill  diflidenco,  and  niadt^  .Jorrocksring 
the  bell  as  tliough  the  house  were  his  cns'n. 


"  You've  got  me  into  a  pretty  scrape  with  the  Earl," 
said  W.'ilkor,  cntf'rinir  the  room.  "T  tliought  you  were 
Captain  Widuwfield. 


252  IIANBLEY   CROSS 

"  Did  yoii  ?  ""  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  placing  himself 
before  the  fire  with  a  coat-lap  over  each  arm. — "  You'll 
know  better  ;inother  time. — But  tell  me,  what  Hearl  is 
it  you  are  talkin'  about  ?  " 

"  The  Earl  of  Bramber,  to  be  sure,"  replied  the  servant. 

"  What !  this  is  his  shop,  is  it  ?  "  inquired  JoiTocks — 
"Ongar  Castle,  in  fact?" 

'■  Yes  ;  I  thoutrht  yo\i  had  been  one  of  the  party  when 
I  showed  you  in  here,"  replied  Walker. 

"  Oh,  never  mind,"  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  where  there's 
ceremony  there's  no  frindship — I  makes  no  doubt  I  shall 
be  weiTy  welcome. — See ;  there's  five  shillin's  for  you," 
"rivincf  him  a  dollar.  "You  mustn't  let  the  captin  in 
here  thoiigh,  mind.  Now  tell  us,  is  there  any  grub  to 
get?" 

"Dinner  will  be  served  in  a  quarter  of  an  hour," 
replied  Walker. 

"  Dinner ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  looking  at  liis 
watch ;  "  ten  minutes  past  seven,  and  not  dined  yet ; 
what  will  the  world  come  to  next  ?    Dead  o'  winter  too ! " 

Walker  then  conducted  him  down-stairs,  and  ushered 
him  into  a  splendid  drawing-room,  brilliantly  lighted 
up,  whose  countless  mirrors  reflected  his  jolly  person  a 
hundred-fold.  The  housemaids  were  just  giving  the 
finishing  sweep  to  the  grates,  and  the  footmen  lighting 
the  candles  and  lamps,  when  our  master  entered;  so 
making  up  to  a  table  all  covered  with  pamphlets  and 
papers,  he  di-ew  an  easy  chair  towards  it,  and  proceeded 
to  make  himself  comfortable. 

Lord  Bramljer  was  the  first  to  enter.  He  was  a  tall, 
handsome  young  man,  of  delicate  appearance  and 
gentlemanly  manners.  He  wore  mustachios,  and  was 
di-essed  in  a  black  coat  and  trousers,  with  a  white  waist- 
coat. 

Seeing  a  stranger,  he  had  no  difiiculty  in  settling  who 
he  was,  so  he  advanced  with  a  bow  and  extended  hand 
to  greet  him. 

Mr.  JoiTocks  was  up  in  an  instant. 

"My  Lord,  ^ necessitas  non  liahet  legs,^  as  that  classical 
stableman,  Mr.  Pomponious  Hego,  would  say — or, 
'  "unger  makes  a  man  bold,'  as  I  would  say — I'm  wen-y 
glad  to  see  you,"  saying  which  he  shook  his  lordship's 
hand  severely. 

"Thank  you,"  replied  Lord  Bramber,  smiling  at  his 
guest's  hospitality ;  "  thank  you,"  repeated  he — "  hope 
you  left  Mrs.  Jorrocks  and  your  family  well." 

"  Thank'e,"  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  thank'e,  my  lordship," 


A  QUIET   BYE  253 

as  the  existence  of  liis  better  half  was  brought  to  his 
recollection ;  "  'opes  I  shurn't  find  her  as  I  left  her." 

"  How's  that  ?  I  hope  she  is  not  unwell  ?  "  inquired 
his  lordship  with  well-feigned  anxiety. 

"Oh,  no,'  replied  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  raising  his  eye-brows 
with  a  shrug  of  his  shoulders ;  "  oh,  no,  only  I  left  her 
iu  a  werry  bad  humoui',  and  I  hopes  I  shall  not  find  her 
in  one  when  I  gets  back — haw,  haw,  havv-, — he,  he,  he, — 
s'pose  yoiu'  'at  (hat)  covers  your  family — wish  mine  did 
too;  for  atwixt  you  and  I  and  the  wall,  my  lordship, 
women  are  werry  weary  waiinints.  I  say,  my  lord,  a 
gen'leman  should  do  nothin'  but  "imt, — it's  the  sport  of 
kmgs,  the  image  of  war,  without  its  guilt,  and  only  five- 
and-twenty  per  cent,  of  its  danger.  You've  got  a  werry 
good  shop  here — capital  shop,  I  may  say,'  added  he, 
surveying  the  rich  orange  silk  furniture  and  gilding  of 
the  room.  "  Wonder  how  long  this  room  is  ?  Sixty 
feet,  I  dare  say,  if  it's  a  hinch ; — let's  see."  So  saying, 
Mr.  JoiTOcks,  having  set  his  back  against  the  far  wall, 
took  a  coat-lap  over  each  ami,  and  thrusting  his  hands 
into  Captain  Widowfield's  breeches  pockets,  proceeded 
to  step  the  apartment.  "  One,  two,  three,  four,  five,  six, 
seven,  eight,  nine,  ten,  eleven,  twelve,  thirteen,  foui-teeu, 
fifteen,  sixteen,"  when  he  was  intennipted  iu  his  measure- 
ment by  the  opening  of  the  door  and  the  entrance  of 
some  of  the  guests.  He  was  introduced  to  each  in 
succession,  including  Captain  Widowfield,  a  big,  red- 
whiskered,  i)imply-faced,  choleric-looking  gentleman,  to 
whom  our  worthy  master  tendered  the  hand  of  fellow- 
sliip,  in  i>erfoct  ignorance  of  his  being  the  person  with 
wliom  he  liad  held  communion  sweet  through  the  door. 

Dinner  was  then  announced. 

We  suppose  our  readers  will  not  care  to  have  the 
names  of  tne  guests  who  sat  down  to  the  banquet,  or  yet 
the  wines  or  viands  that  constituted  tlie  repast;  suffice 
it  to  say,  tliat  tlic  company  consisted  chicfiy  of  jicople  in 
the  neigh  Ijourhood,  sprinkled  with  a  few  idle  Honour- 
ables,  who  lend  themselves  out  to  ganiish  country-houses 
in  the  dull  season,  and  the  Ijest  Frencli  and  English 
cookery  furuislied  the  repast. 

Despite  the  jjrevailing  non-wlnoing  fashion,  everybody, 
save  Captain  Widowfield,  diank  wine  with  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
and  l>eiore  the  dessert  appeared,  the  poor  gentleman, 
what  fi'om  the  effects  of  brandy  on  an  empty  stomach 
before  dinner,  and  wine  on  a  full  one  during  it,  began  to 
clip  her  Majesty's  Engliblj  very  considerably.  "Never 
v.erc  such  'ounJo  du  mine,"  he  kept  hiccupping,  first  into 


284  HANDLE?   CROSS 

one  neighbour's  ear  and  then  into  another.  "  Never  were 
snch  'ounds  (hiccup),  certainly— hiu-rah,  I  say  (hiccup), 
JoiTOcks  is  the  boy!  Forrard!  hark,  forrard,  away 
(hiccup).  You  miist  come  and  'unt  with  me,"  hiccupped 
he  to  the  gentleman  on  the  left.  " '  Beef  and  Onions '  on 
Wednesday  (hiccup) —  ' Candid  Pig'  — no,  'Mountain- 
Daisy'  (hiccup)  — Saturday— James  Pigg  is  a  real  war- 
mint  (hiccup)— a  tiiimp,  a  real  tmmp  (hiccup),  and  no 
mistake.    Give  me  port,  none  o'  yoiu*  clarety  wines." 

The  Earl  of  Bramber's  health,  of  course,  was  proposed 
in  a  bumper,  with  "  all  the  honours."  Mr.  Jorrocks 
hooped  and  halloaed  at  the  top  of  his  voice— an  exertion 
that  put  the  finishing  stroke  to  his  performances,  foron 
attempting  to  resume  his  seat  he  made  a  miscalculation 
of  distance,  and  fell  with  a  heavy  thump  upon  the  floor. 
After  two  or  three  rolls  he  was  lifted  into  his  chair,  but 
speedily  resuming  his  place  on  the  floor,  Walker  was 
summoned  with  two  stout  footmen  to  cany  him  to  bed._ 

Captain  Widowfield  followed  to  make  sure  _  of  his 
clothes :  the  gap  caused  by  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  secession  was 
speedily  closed  in,  and  the  party  resumed  the  conviviali- 
ties of  the  evening. 

The  room  to  which  o\Tr  master  was  transferred  was  the 
dressing-room,  over  a  large  swimming  bath,  on  the 
eastern  side  of  the  castle,  and  very  cosily  he  was  laid 
into  a  little  French  bed.  Walker  wound  up  his  watch, 
Captain  Widowfield  walked  off  with  his  clothes,  and  our 
di-unken  hero  was  left  alone  in  his  glory. 

The  events  of  the  day,  together  with  the  qiiantity  of 
brandy  and  wine  he  had  diamk,  and  the  fatigiie  con- 
sequent upon  his  exertions,  combined  to  make  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  feverish  and  restless,  and  he  kept  dreaming, 
and  tossing,  and  tui-niug,  and  tumbling  about,  withovit 
being  able  to  settle  to  sleep.  First,  he  fancied  he  was 
riding  on  the  parapet  of  Waterloo  Bridge  with  Arter- 
xerxes,  making  what  he  would  call  a  teirible  fore-paw 
{faux  pas),  or  stumble ;  next,  that  he  was  benighted  on 
the  common,  and  getting  devoured  by  shepherds'  dogs ; 
then,  that  having  bought  up  all  the  Barcelona  nuts  in 
the  world,  and  ^vl•itten  to  the  man  in  the  moon  to  secure 
what  were  there,  he  saw  them  become  a  drug  in  the 
market,  and  the  fimi  of  Jon-ocks  and  Co.  figimng  in  the 
Gazette. 

Next,  he  di-eamt  that  he  had  got  one  of  James  Pigg's 
legs  and  one  of  his  own — that  on  examination  they  both 
turned  out  to  be  left  ones,  and  he  could  not  get  his  boots 
on.    Now,  that  he  was  half -famished,  and  chained  to  a 


^ 


.1 


:?; 


4^ 


A   QUIET   BYE  255 

wall  in  sight  of  a  roast  goose — anon  that  the  Qvieeu  had 
sent  to  say  she  wanted  to  dance  with  him,  and  he  conldn't 
find  his  piinips ;  "  No !  give  him  all  the  world,  sir,  he 
couldn't  find  his  ijumps."'  Now  that  the  Prince  wanted 
to  look  at  Arterxerxes,  and  he  conldn't  find  the  ginger. 
"  No :  give  him  all  the  world,  sir,  he  couldn't  find  the 
ginger  I "  Then  he  got  back  to  the  chase,  and  in  a 
paroxysm  of  rage,  as  he  fancied  himself  kicking  on  his 
back  in  a  wet  ditch,  with  Benjamin  ninniug  away  with 
his  horse,  his  di-eams  were  inteiTupted  by  a  heavy  crack, 
bang,  splash  sort  of  sound,  and  in  an  instant  he  was 
under  water.  All  was  dark  and  still.  His  dreams, 
though  frightful,  had  all  vanished  as  he  awoke,  and 
aftei'  rising  to  the  top  he  waited  an  instant  to  see  if  this 
would  not  do  likewise ;  but  the  sad  reality  was  too  con- 
vincing, so  he  began  bello-^ving.  and  roaring,  and  si)lashing 
about  in  a  most  resolute  manner. 

"  Hooi  I  hooi !  hooi  I "  spluttered  he,  with  his  eyes  and 
moutli  full  of  water.  "  "Elp !  'elp  I  'elp !  'elp !  I'm  a 
drownin',  I'm  a  di-oA\iiin'  I  Mr.  JoiTocks  is  a  di'ownin' 
— oh,  dear!  oh,  dear!  will  noVjody  come? — Oh,  vere  am  I? 
vere  am  I?  Binjimin !  I  say.  Binjimin!  James  Pigg! 
James  Pigg !  James  Pigg !  Batsay !  Batsay !  Murder ! 
'elp !  murder !  'elp  !  " 

"What's happen'd?  what's happcn'd ?  what's happen'd ? 
Who's  there  ?  who's  tliere  I"*  Oh,  dear !  oh,  dear  !  oh, 
dear ! "  screamed  half-a-dozen  voices  at  once,  i-ushing 
with  candles  into  tlie  gallery  of  the  swimming  bath. 

"  Vot's  'appened  'i  "  replied  Mr.  JoiToeks,  bl(ilil)ijig  and 
striking  out  for  hard  life  witli  his  whit«  cotton  night- 
capped  head  lialf  under  water;  "  Vy,  I'm  drownin'. — 
'Elp  !  'elp !  'elp !  I  say  I  Oh,  vill  nobody  come  to  'elp  ?  " 

'■  Throw  out  the  rope !  throw  out  the  i*ope ! "  cried 
half-a-dozen  voices. 

"No;  get  a  boat,"  responded  Mr.  Jorrocks,  thinking 
there  was  little  clioice  h>etween  liaiiging  and  drowning. 
"Oh,  dear,  I'm  sinkin',  I'm  sinkin'  I  " 

"Come  to  thin  side,"  cried  one,  "and  I'll  lend  you  a 
hand  out  I "  thereupon  Mr.  JoiTocks  stnick  out  with  a 
last  desperate  effoii,  and  daslied  his  head  against  the 
wall. 

They  then  pnllod  Jiini  ont  of  the  b.ith,  and  with  great 
care  and  condohMic*!  put  him  to  l)fd  again.  He  was  still 
rather  drunk  —at  least,  not  quit<?  8o))er ;  for  when  pressed 
to  exchange  liis  wet  shirt  for  a  di-y  one,  he  hugged  him- 
self in  it,  exclaiming,  "  No,  no ;  they'll  wony  it !  They'll 
won-y  it ! " 


CHAPTER  XXVII 

ANOTHER  BENIGHTED  SPORTSMAN 

"  Heard  the  winds  roar,  and  the  big  torrent  burst." — Thomson. 

"  Well,  I  can't  stand  it  any  longer,  so  it's  no  use  trying," 
said  Charley  Stobbs  to  himself,  turning  his  horse's  head 
in  the  direction  of  a  light  he  saw  gleaming  past  a 
window  on  the  left  of  the  road. 

Having  about  got  through  his  horse,  and  lost  Pigg  and 
the  hounds,  he  had  taken  temporai-y  refuge  at  a  small 
public  house,  which  he  had  imiDrudently  left,  in  hopes  of 
regaining  Handley  Cross  that  night. 

After  much  casting  about  in  the  dark,  with  the 
imj^erfect  and  contradictory  directions  usually  obtained 
from  peasants  in  remote  i^arts,  Charley's  perseverance 
at  length  failed  him,  and  he  resolved  to  give  in. 

The  night  was  drear  and  dark — the  wmd  howled  and 
whistled  with  uncommon  keenness — and  the  cutting  hail 
drifted  with  the  sharpness  of  needles  against  his  face. 
Horse  and  rider  were  equally  dispirited. 

Having  fonned  his  resolution,  Charley  was  speedily  at 
a  white  gate,  whose  soiuid  and  easy  swing  denoted  an 
entrance  of  some  pretension. 

A  few  seconds  more,  and  he  was  under  the  lee  of  a 
large  house.  Having  dismounted,  and  broken  his  shins 
against  a  scraper,  he  at  length  discovered  a  bell-pull  in 
the  door-post,  which,  having  sounded,  the  echoing  notes 
from  afar  proclaimed  the  size  and  importance  of  the 
mansion. 

All  was  still,  save  the  wild  wind,  which  swept  over  the 
lawn,  dashing  a  few  straggling  leaves  about  with  un- 
common fiu-y.  Charley  stood  di'ipping  and  shivering, 
with  his  horse  in  his  hand,  but  no  one  came— all  was  still 
■within.  Another  pull  sounded  through  the  house,  and  a 
third  succeeded  that.  At  length,  in  a  partial  lull,  a  soft 
female  voice  was  heard  through  the  door,  inquiring, 
"Who  was  there?" 

"  Me ! "  exclaimed  Charley ;  "  Mr.  Stobbs !— a  benighted 
fox-hunter— been  out  with  Mi-.  JoiTOcks's  hounds.' 


ANOTHER  BENIGHTED   SPORTSMAN  257 

"  Master's  gone  to  bed,"  replied  the  servant,  di-awing 
the  bolts  and  chain  as  she  spoke  ;  and  just  as  she  began 
to  open  the  door,  a  sudden  gust  of  wind  extinguished  ner 
candle. 

"  I'll  run  for  a  lantern."  exclaimed  she.  shutting-to  the 
door,  leaving  Charley  stamping  and  thumping  himself 
with  his  hands.  Presently  she  returned  with  a  dark 
lantern,  with  the  slide  up,  which  threw  a  light  over  the 
horseman  without  discovering  the  holder. 

The  sight  of  a  red  coat  banishing  fear,  she  closed  the 
door  after  her  and  informed  Charley  that  master  vs^as 
gone  to  bed,  and  the  butler  too,  but  she  would  show  him 
the  stal)le  and  get  a  man  to  take  charge  of  the  horse. 
The  Yorkshire  nag  seemed  to  understand  the  airange- 
ment,  for  he  immediately  gave  himself  a  hearty  shake, 
as  if  to  say  that  his  labours  were  done  at  last. 

The  maid  led  the  way.  and  on  they  went  to  the  stable. 
It  formed  the  wing  of  the  house,  and  a  groom,  sleeping 
above,  being  roused  from  his  bed,  came  with  the  alacrity 
usually  displayed  by  servants  in  the  service  of  a  red-coat. 

Indeed,  as  Mr.  JoiTocks  says,  there's  no  colour  like 
scarlet.  In  it,  a  man  winks  at  the  women,  rings  at  your 
l)ell,  orders  your  Ijrandy,  i-ides  through  your  garden,  and 
aU  in  the  style  of  doing  you  a  favoiu-.  The  half -dressed 
gi-oom  would  whole-dress  the  horse,  and  get  him  some 
gi-uel,  and  clothe  him  well  up,  and  litter  him  well  down; 
and  as  he  hissed,  and  pulled  at  the  horse's  ears,  he  paused 
evei-y  now  and  then  and  grinned  with  delight  at  Charley's 
account  of  the  sport. 

"  A',  it  must  have  been  a  grand  run  ! ''  exclaimed  he  ; 
"  and  where  did  you  kill  him  ?" 

"Don't  know  tliat,"  replied  Charles;  "we  got  upon 
the  Downs,  when  it  l)ecame  actually  racing  -the  fox 
going  in  the  teeth  of  tiie  wind,  and  no  one  with  the 
hounds  Ijut  the  huntsman,  and  a  farmer  who  cut  in 
during  tlie  run.  I  got  into  a  ))Og,  and  the  hounds  ran 
clean  out  of  sight  before  I  recovered  my  horse,  and  niglit 
came  on  without  my  even  being  al^le  to  hear  or  see 
anything  more  of  tlifni." 

"  Dear ! "  exclaimed  the  groom.  "  you  don't  say  so— that 
was  a  bad  job ;  and  was  Scjuire  Jorrocks  not  up  H  "  there- 
upon the  groom  dived  elhow-docp  into  the  gruel-pail, 
and,  lifting  it  up,  the  horse  (pudfed  oil  the  contents  like 
a  basin  of  Hf)Up.  Rhmkets  and  ])andageH  came  warm 
from  the  saddle-room  fire,  and  liaving  seen  liis  liorae  well 
done  by,  and  told  the  gnjnni  ;ill  he  could  about  the  run, 
Charley  again  sought  tlie  shelter  of  tlie  house. 

S 


258  HANDLEY   CROSS 

The  little  maiden  had  retm-ned  there  after  providiu}? 
the  gruel,  and  was  ready  to  open  the  door  as  she  heard 
Charley's  approach.  "She  would  show  him  into  the 
parlour,"  she  said,  "  where  there  was  a  good  fire ; "  and 
forthwith  led  the  way  up  a  long  passage,  with  a  couple 
of  steps  in  the  centre.  The  parlour  was  evidently  the 
master's  room — the  .sai/rtuiii  sanctorum — a  small  snug- 
gery, with  book-shelves  on  two  sides — guns,  swords, 
game-bags,  powder-try ers,  fishing-rods,  &c.,  on  the  third 
— and  a  red-curtained  window  on  the  fourth ;  a  round 
table,  with  the  fragments  of  dessert,  an  empty  and  a 
half -empty  decanter,  stood  before  the  fire,  while  a  well- 
used  red  morocco  easy-chair  stood  on  one  side  of  the  table. 

"A  bachelor,"  said  Charley  to  himself,  glancing  at  the 
table  and  chair,  and  then  at  the  pretty  maid  whose  cork- 
screw curls  dangled  down  her  healthy  cheeks,  despite 
the  unruly  elements  to  which  they  had  just  been 
exposed ;  "  clear  case  that,  I  think,"  said  he,  eyeing  the 
fit  of  her  nicely  done-up  Ijlue  cotton  goAvn,  and  well- 
turned  ankles,  with  broadish-sandalled  shoes ;  "  no 
missis  would  keep  such  a  pretty  blue-eyed  maid  as 
that,"  said  he  to  himseK. 

"  Would  you  like  to  take  anything,  sir?"  inquired  she, 
lighting  the  wax-candles,  and  casting  a  look  of  com- 
miseration at  Charley's  wet  breeches. 

"  Nothing,  thank  you,  my  pretty  dear,  except — a  kiss," 
giving  her  ruby  lips  a  smack  that  so\inded  along  the 
passage. 

"  Hush ! "  exclaimed  she,  colouring  up  in  alarm,  "  Mrs. 
Thompson  will  hear." 

"  And  who's  Mrs.  Thompson  ?  " 

"  The  housekeeper,  to  Ije  sure ;  she's  just  gone  to  bed. ' 

"  Well,  if  that's  the  case,"  replied  Charles,  "I  think  I 
should  like  a  little  sheiTy-and-water,  or  something " 
lifting  up  the  half -emptied  decanter,  "  if  you  could  get 
some  hot  water  and  sugar ;  or  never  mind  the  sugar,  if 
Mrs.  Thonnjson's  got  the  keys." 

"Oh,  I'll  get  you  both,"  replied  blue-eyes,  tripping 
away. 

Charles  now  began  to  reconnoitre  the  apaiiment. 
Taking  a  light,  he  proceeded  to  examine  the  book-case. 
There  was  a  curious  mixture  :-Burns's  Jiistice  and  the 
Gentleman's  Magazine ;  Statutes  at  Large  and  Ander- 
son's Agriculture ;  the  Tatler  and  Pope's  Homer ;  Don 
Quixote  and  the  Old  Spoi-ting  Magazine;  Seneca's 
Morals  and  Camden's  Britannia ;  Osb.aldestone's  British 
Sportsman;    Calamy's   Sermons   and   Adtim's   Essays; 


ANOTHER   BENIGHTED   SPORTSMAN 


259 


"Walker's  Pronounciiig  Dictionary  and  Sidney's  Arcadia ; 
Dacier's  Plutarch  and  White's  Fan-iery. 

"  Sporting  parson,  perhaps,"  thought  Charles  to  him- 
self. "  No,  that  can't  be."  continued  he ;  "  no  bachelor 
parsons— at  least,  not  with  such  houses  as  this.  Some 
young  man  just  come  to  his  foi-time,  most  likely,  and 
hasn't  had  time  to  pick  up  a  wife  yet.  No,  that  won't 
do;  a  young  'un  wouldn't  be  in  bed  so  soon  as  this." 


Blue-eyeH  intermitted  the  8|)ec\datiou  by  apj:)earing  with 
a  tray  containing  a  nice  phiU'.  of  liam-sandwiches,  hot 
water,  sugar,  lomon.  iiiitiiieg,  Ac 

"  You're  a  darling  !  "  exclaiiiH'd  Cluirley,  8<jU»'e/,ing  lier 
liand  ;i8  slie  ))laced  tlieiii  on  the  talile:  "  By  .Jove,  there's 
no  work  done  with  ///«/,"  said  lie  to  liiiiiHolf,  as  she  ran 
out  of  the  room  ;  "  soft  as  a  mowdv-warp  ! '" 

Cliarley  took  the  red  morocco  clinir,  and  nii.xing  liim- 
self  HOiiif  negus.  rr-coiiiiiK.-iicfd  IiIh  Hpccnl.itioii  on  the 
probable  station  of  liia  liost.     Tlio  books  and  the  blue- 


260  HANDLEY   CROSS 

eyes,  and  the  pfuns  and  the  soft  hand  confused  hina :  and 
the  luoi-e  he  thought,  the  nearer  he  was  falling  asleep — 
and  the  farther  from  arriving  at  a  conclusion. 

"  Master's  gone  to  bed,"  muttered  Charley,  recollecting 
the  little  maid's  first  observation.  "  No  mistress,  that's 
clear ; "  and  thereupon  he  di-ained  off  his  tumbler,  and 
filled  up  another.  "  Curious  assortment  of  things  he 
has  in  his  room,"  thought  Charley,  looking  about  him. 
"I  don't  see  a  hunting-whip,"  and  having  satisfied  him- 
self on  that  point,  without  moving  from  his  chair,  he 
commenced  a  vigorous  attack  on  the  ham-sandwiches. 

#  #  #  4?  JJt  ^ 

"  Shall  I  show  you  to  bed  ?  "  inquired  the  little  maid, 
peeping  in  at  the  door  just  as  Charley  was  dropping 
asleep. 

"  If  you  please,  my  dear ! "  replied  he,  starting  up, 
rubbing  his  eyes,  and  di-aining  off  the  tumbler  of  sheiTy- 
and-water  that  had  been  cooling  at  his  elbow. 

The  maiden  lighted  a  bed-candle,  and  i^roceeded  to 
lead  the  way  iip  a  wide,  black  oak  stair-case,  whose  mas- 
sive, shining  banisters  were  ornamented  with  carved 
birds,  monkeys,  guinea-pigs,  and  other  specimens  of 
zoology,  at  the  turns  of  the  frequent  landings.  The 
wind  liad  luUed,  and  the  heavy  ticking  of  a  large  black- 
faced  time-piece  with  gilt  figures  was  all  that  disturbed 
the  monotony  of  night. 

Lightly  following  his  fairy  giiide,  an  involuntary  hope 
came  over  Charley  that  he  might  not  make  the  acquaint- 
ance of  his  host  through  the  medium  of  a  horse-pistol 
cocking  at  him  through  one  of  the  black  doors  as  they 
imssed.  Turning  from  the  wide  passage,  up  a  narrower 
one  on  the  left,  a  gleam  of  light,  through  a  pai-tially 
closed  door,  showed  the  termination  of  his  travels,  and 
throwing  it  open,  a  large  poker  in  a  downward  slant, 
evinced  the  activity  of  the  little  maid,  who  had  lighted 
the  fire,  got  the  room  ready,  and  all  the  little  arrange- 
ments made,  while  Charles  was  busy  with  his  negus  and 
sijeculations. 

We  need  scarcely  say  that  the  room  was  not  that  bug- 
bear to  humble  minds — the  best  one  in  the  house,  up 
whose  lofty  beds  shoi-t-legged  men  swarm,  as  though 
they  were  climbing  a  tree,  but  it  was  one  of  those 
betwixt-and-between  sort  of  apartments,  that,  like  the 
pony  in  a  stal)le,  comes  in  for  most  of  the  work.  The 
bed  was  exceedingly  low,  scarcely  two  feet  from  the 
ground,  and  stood  in  tlie  centre  of  the  room,  with  the 
head  against  the  wall  and  the  feet  towards  the  fire.  The 


ANOTHER    BENIGHTED   SPORTSMAN  261 

curtains  were  of  thick  but  faded  orange  damask,  and 
the  countei-pane  was  patchwork  of  many  coloxu's.  Round 
the  bed  was  a  slip  of  black  and  red  carpeting ;  another 
piece  lay  before  a  di-essing-table,  on  which  was  a  cvirious 
old  black  and  gilt  Chinese-patterned  looking-glass,  with 
many  drawers,  and  the  thoughtful  little  maiden  had 
placed  another  jjiece  of  carpeting  under  the  foot-bath 
before  the  fire.  The  rest  of  the  floor  was  bare,  and  there 
was  a  large  black  oak  press  in  the  corner,  with  richly 
carved  festoons  above  the  drawers,  and  coats  of  anus 
emblazoned  on  the  panels. 

■'  Shall  I  take  your  coat  down  to  dry  ?  "  inquired  the 
little  maiden,  slipping  the  poker  out  of  the  fire. 

'■  If  you  please,"  replied  Charles ;  "  but  first  you  miist 
help  me  out  of  it."  Whereupon  she  put  doTsni  the  poker 
and  taking  hold  of  the  cuff,  Charles  drew  himself  out  of 
the  adhering  gannent.  "  Now,"  said  he.  giving  her  the 
wet  scarlet  and  a  kiss  at  the  same  time,  which  produced 
a  coiTesponding  effusion  in  her  cheeks ;  "  how  shall  I 
know  about  getting  up  in  the  moraing  ?  "        _ 

"Oh,  Aaron  will  call  you!"  replied  the  little  maid, 
seizing  the  poker  and  tripping  away. 

"  Aaron  will  call  me ! "  repeated  Charley,  returning 
from  chasing  her  to  a  gi-een-baized  door  at  the  end  of 
the  passage.  "  Aaron  will  call  me  I — what  a  queer  name 
for  a  sei-vant ! — Wonder  what  the  master  is  ?  Aai'on ! — 
'Gad  he  must  be  a  priest,  and  Aaron  is  his  clerk  and 
valet-de-rhamhre.  No,  that  can't  be  either,  for  here's  a 
boot- jack,  a  thing  one  never  meets  with  in  a  parson's 
house;  and,  as  I  live !  no  end  of  sporting  pictures,"  added 
he,  holding  his  candle  to  the  wall. 

Sure  enougii,  there  were  Loraine  Smith's  famous  pic- 
tures of  the  Quom  Hunt,  the  progenitor  of  the  now 
innumerable  race  of  sporting  prints:  "Bagging  the 
Fox";  "The  Rendezvous  of  the  Smoking  Hunt  at 
Braunstone,"  in  whicli  gentlemen  apjiear  with  great 
meerschaums  in  their  mouths;  "Tlie  Loss  of  the  ('liap- 
lain,"  exhihitiug  a  reverend  gentleman  somewhat  in 
Mr.  JoiTOcks's  pn-dicMTiiont  in  daiigor  of  drowning,  if 
he  were  not  in  coual  diingor  of  ImugiTig;  "TIk'  Meeting 
at  Grooby  Pool";  "The  Victoi-y  of  ()l.i;iiniiig  the 
Bnish,"  &(\,  all  stictched  on  ciiuvas,  Avitli  lnoad  ^ilt 
borders,  and  ranged  round  the  room.  Above  the  fire- 
place was  tho  j)ortrait  of  an  old  geiitlr-nian  in  a  cocked 
hat,  a  gold-]a<('(i  hlne  coat,  with  a  HniifF-hox  in  one  hand, 
and  the  othf-r  resting  on  the  }ie;iil  of  a  greyhound,  whose 
master  seemed  to  look  ujxtn  Ch.'iiley,  as  he  wat  up  to 


262  HANDLEY   CROSS 

his  knees  in  hot  water,  in  anytliing  hut  a  patronizing 
way. 

"  Shoukl  tliis  he  my  host,  or  even  my  host's  father  or 
grandfatlier,"  thought  Charley  to  himself,  "perhaps  he 
may  not  he  over  glad  to  see  me;  however,"  added  he, 
"'enough  for  the  day  is  the  evil  thereof";  so,  ex- 
changing his  damp  shirt  for  a  nice  well-aired  cotton 
one,  with  the  initials  "  J.  W.  F. "  on  one  side,  and  reject- 
ing both  a  double  and  single  nightcap,  laid  out  for  his 
choice,  he  put  out  his  candle,  and  turned  into  bed. 

Sound  and  healthy  were  his  slumbers; — day  davraed 
without  his  waking,  and  neither  the  daiting  rays  of  a 
dazzling  sun,  brightening  the  moreen  curtains  through 
the  chinks  of  the  shutters,  nor  the  noisy  tick  of  the 
passage  clock,  had  any  influence  on  his  sleep. 

At  length  he  stai-ted  up,  as  a  sledge-hammer  soi-t  of 
thump  sounded  on  the  door. 

"  Come  in !  "  exclaimed  he,  involuntarily,  the  exertion 
of  which  awoke  him  to  a  recollection  of  the  past  and  a 
sense  of  his  situation.  "How  deuced  awkward!" 
thought  he  to  himself,  looking  at  a  great  bell-tassel 
hanging  above  his  head,  and  considering  whether  he 
should  pull  it  or  not. 

"  Thump !  "  went  the  door  again,  and  no  mistake. 

"Come  in!"  exclaimed  Charley;  but  still  no  one 
entered.  "  Must  get  up  at  all  events,"  reasoned  Charley ; 
"  must  be  eight,  at  least ; "  looking  at  the  rays  of  sun- 
shine shooting  into  the  room.  Just  as  his  hand  grasped 
the  bell-pull, — 

"  Thump !  "  went  somebody  at  the  door  again. 

"  Come  in  ! "  roared  Charles  for  the  third  time,  but 
still  the  door  remained  closed.  Just  as  he  was  debating 
whether  to  ring  the  bell  or  compose  himself  for  another 
nap,  the  door  opened,  and  a  slow,  heavy  foot  paced 
steadily  across  the  room  to  the  window.  Drawing  aside 
the  window-curtain,  the  heavy  cross-bar  svrnng  length- 
ways in  the  shutter,  which  being  folded  exhibited  the 
person  of  the  intruder. 

_He  was  an  elderly,  clumsily  built,  middle-sized  man, 
with  a  brown  scratch-wig,  surmounting  a  scpiare,  thick- 
featured,  unmeaning  countenance.  A  school  -  boy's 
tm-nip  lantern  would  perhaps  convey  the  best  idea  of 
the  style  of  his  much  tanned  face  and  features.  He 
was  dressed  in  a  snuif-coloured  coat,  loose  buff  waistcoat, 
puddingy-wliite  neckcloth,  drab  kerseymere  breeches; 
and  his  swelling  calves  and  enormously  thick  ankles 


ANOTHER  BENIOHTED   SPORTSMAN  2(i3 

were  cased  in  white  lamb's-wool  stockinsfs ;  thick  shoes, 
with  leather  strings,  completed  his  costume.  Having 
opened  the  shuttei-s.  he  stumped  to  the  foot  of  the  bed, 
and  placing  himself  right  in  the  middle,  thus  delivered 
himself  in  good  set  Zummerzetzhire — 

"  Pleaze,  zur,  meazter  gittiu  oop." 

"  Thank  you.  Aaron  ! '"  exclaimed  Charles,  never  doubt- 
ing his  man.    "  Pray  can  you  tell  me  what  o'clock  it  is  ?  " 

^'  I'll  zee,  zur,"  replied  Aaron,  after  a  pause,  stumping 
out  of  the  room  to  consult  the  passage  clock. 

"  What  a  man  it  is !  "  exclaimed  Charley,  burying  his 
face  in  the  pillow,  as  he  roared  with  laughter  at  his 
unmeaning,  cast-iron  countenance.  "  What  can  his 
meazter  be  !  "  Presently,  creak,  creak,  creak,  announced 
old  heavy-heels  returning.  Placing  himself  in  his  old 
r)Osition.  exactly  at  the  centre  of  the  bed,  he  thus 
delivered  himself — 

"  Pleaz,  ZIU-,  it's  nineteen  minutes  pazt  eight.  Will 
you  pleaz,  zur,  to  want  anything  more,  zur  ?  "  at  length 
inquired  the  stupid  old  man. 

"  More  !  "  thought  Charles,  "  why,  I've  got  nothing  as 
yet ;  "  wishing  he  had  his  female  valet -de-chamhre  of  the 
previous  night  back  instead  of  old  Aaron.  "  Yes,  I 
should  like  some  wann  water  for  one  thing,  and  my 
boots  cleaned  for  another,"  looking  at  his  mud-stained 
tops  standing  against  a  chair  near  the  foot-bath.  Razors, 
brushes,  combs,  sponges,  and  a  host  of  etceteras,  flitted 
across  his  mind,  but  considering  the  slo^vness  of  Aaron, 
and  the  state  of  his  raiment,  Charles  thouglit  he  had 
better  do  with  as  little  as  possible.  Out,  then,  Aaron 
stimiped,  and  Charles  wa.s  left  alone  to  his  reflections. 

"  Confounded  awkward ! "  said  he  to  himself,  iiimi- 
nating  on  his  situation.  "  Suppose  tliere's  a  mistress  or 
young  misKeH.  what  a  figure  I  sliall  cut  at  a  breakfast 
table!  Leathers  like  jiarchment,  boots  all  dirt,  neck- 
cloth spoiled;  better  start  off.  and  take  my  chance  on 
the  road,  or  l^reakfast  when  I  get  home."  Then  the 
recollection  of  the  jn-evious  night  deranged  liis  reason- 
ing. Tlie  little  snuggery,  the  solitary  easy  (^liair.  the 
reninaiits  of  dessei-t  instead  of  t^'a.  and  the  little  blue- 
eye*!  maid,  all  savoured  of  baclK'hjrisiii ;  so,  dismissing 
the  Uidy  consideration  from  his  mind,  he  again  aijplicd 
himself  to  the  rpiestion  of  what  his  host  could  be. 
Aaron  and  the  bluf-eyed  maid  werf  ineonsistent.  Such 
a  i)retty  little  girl,  and  stich  a  v<'ry  >igly  old  man — one 
so  shai']),  the  othnr  so  slow— "and  yet  what  a  stupe  I 
am,"  continued  Charles;  "Aaron's  just  the  sort  of  man 


264  HANDLE Y   CROSS 

to  keep  in  the  lioiise  with  a  pretty  pjirl ; '"  and  thereupon 
his  host  assumed  the  character  of  a  fox-hunter,  and 
Charles  felt  as  if  he  knew  him  already. 

"  No.  that  won't  do,"  continued  Charles,  demolishing 
the  vision  he  had  just  conjured  up  ;  "  she  wouldn't  have 
blushed  so  if  she'd  been  used  to  kissing^ ; "  and  there- 
upon his  spirits  fell  below  zero.  Stump,  stiTuip,  stump, 
creak,  creak,  creak,  came  old  heavy-heels  along  the 
passage,  disturbing  Charles's  reverie  as  well  by  his  foot- 
steps as  his  sledge-hammer  thumps  at  the  door.  Thrice 
did  he  thumi^  ere  he  would  enter,  and  at  length,  when 
he  did,  having  deposited  a  can  of  hot  water  on  the  wash- 
hand  stand,  he  laid  Charley's  scarlet  coat  exactly  in  the 
centre  of  the  table,  and  resuming  his  old  position  at  the 
foot  of  the  bed,  cast  his  unmeaning  eyes  towards  the 
pillows,  and  drawled  out — 

"  Pleaz.  zur,  do  you  pleaz  to  want  anything  elze  ?  '' 

"  Nothing  but  my  boots  cleaned !  "  exclaimed  Chai-les, 
exhausted  by  his  slowness,  "though,  perhaps,"  added 
he,  as  Aaron  was  stumping  away,  "  you  may  as  well 
make  my  compliments  to  your  meazter,  and  say  that  a 
gentleman,  who  lost  his  way  out  with  the  hounds 
yesterday,  wishes  to  pay  his  respects  to  him  at  breakfast 
— or  rather  (aside),  to  his  breakfast." 

"  Teaz,  zur,"  replied  Aaron,  trudging  out.  Up  Charles 
jumped,  and  making  for  the  window,  surveyed  the 
prospect  outside. 

Immediately  below  the  ten-ace  was  an  ill-kept  g'arden, 
divided  by  massive  dipt  yew-hedges,  opening  by  antiqne 
white  gates  upon  an  undulating  park,  girded  by  a  river. 
A  few  cows  stood  listlessly  to  the  sun,  and  two  or  three 
mares  and  yearlings  scratched  themselves  with  the 
lower  branches  of  the  trees  with  which  the  park  was 
plentifully  studded.  The  tufty  grass  showed  the  land 
was  not  overstocked.  Beyond  the  river  a  rich  grazing 
vale  stretched  to  distant  hills,  whose  undulating  outline 
closed  the  grey  horizon . 

Having  made  his  sui-vey,  Charles  proceeded  to  dress. 
"  Wish  I  had  little  blue-eyes  to  get  me  what  I  want," 
thought  he,  pulling  on  a  stained  stocking,  and  looking 
at  his  shii-t  where  the  wet  had  soaked  through  his  coat. 
Just  then  old  Aaron  was  heard  plodding  back  with  his 
boots,  which  having  placed  at  the  door,  he  gave  a  loud 
thump,  and  asked  if  Charles  wanted  anything  moi'e. 

■■  On,  no ! "  replied  Charles,  opening  the  door,  and 
taking  in  the  dingy  tops ;  "  but  tell  me,  what  did  your 
master  say  to  my  message  ?  " 


ANOTHER  BENIGHTED  SPORTSMAN       265 

"  He  said  veiTa  well,"  replied  Aaron,  stroking  his  hand 
over  his  wi^. 

"  He  said  veira  well,"'  repeated  Charles,  shutting  the 
door  in  disgust;  "what  an  inhospitable  answer^ — fear 
he's  no  fox-hunter — would  have  been  up  with  shaving- 
pot  and  razors  before  this ;  however,  never  mind,  I'll 
soon  be  back  to  old  J.  and  Belinda."  So  saying,  he 
began  handling  his  leathers ;  they  were  tolerably  dry, 
except  at  the  knees,  but  were  desperately  the  worse  for 
wear — large  mud-stains  disfigured  their  creamy  coloiir, 
and  there  was  a  gi-eat  black  patch  down  one  side,  where 
lie  had  rolled  in  the  bog.  However,  he  coaxed  himself 
into  them,  and  ]jnlling  on  his  boots,  he  made  the  liest  he 
could  of  his  damaged  blue  neckcloth,  while  his  cord 
waistcoat  and  red  coat  felt  grateful  for  their  acquaint- 
ance with  the  fire. 

He  was  nov/  ready  for  a  stai-t ;  and,  the  passage-clock 
striking  nine,  in  an  Aaron-like  pace  Charles  made  for 
the  sound,  and  soon  got  into  the  gallery  he  had 
traversed  overnight.  Descending  the  zoological  stair- 
case, he  found  his  friend  Aaron  standing  with  his  ear  at 
a  door,  listening,  like  a  tender  at  a  rat-hole;  Charley 
would  fain  have  had  a  word  with  him,  but  Aaron  gave 
liim  no  time  for  inquiiy,  by  opening  a  door,  and 
discovering  the  top  of  a  well-powdered  head,  with  a  pig- 
tail cocking  above  the  red  morocco  chair. 

"  The  gentleman,  zur,"  said  Aaron,  advancing  to  the 
})ack  of  the  chair. 

Up  jumped  a  little  red-faced  old  gentleman,  who, 
depositing  a  newspaper  on  the  breakfast-table,  made  a 
]jrofound  Sir  Cliailes  Grandison  salaam  as  he  presented 
;i  full  front  to  tlie  entercr. 

He  was  dressed  in  a  single-Vn-easted  high-collared  blue 
coat,  witli  largo  silver  buttf)n8,  white  cravat,  with  a  black 
one  over  it,  buff  waistcoat,  with  flap-pockets,  cut  out 
over  the  hips,  yellow  Ifiitlior  brceclies,  and  ro.se-coloured 
t<jp-boots,  Imckling  rouixl  liis  knees  with  liroad  leather 
boot-garters. 

Charley  liowfd  lii.s  licst  in  i-i-turii,  and  thinking  wliat  a 
soiTy  figure  his  mud-stained  clothcH  must  cut  Ijy  the 
snotless  ones  liffoic  him.  l>egan  muttoriug  something 
anout  fox-hujitiug.  liidflnesH,  bonighleil,  hf)Spitality, 
liungi-y— the  litth;  old  gentleman  jerking  and  howing  all 
the  time,  and  motioning  him  into  a  chair  on  tiie  other 
side  of  the  round  tal)le. 

(JIad  to  hide  hiHdil;ipidatif)nK  uniler  tlie  table,  Chnrloy 
sidled   Ui  the  seat,  and   tucking   his  najikin   under  his 


266  HANDLEY  CROSS 

waistcoat,  cast  his  eye  round  the  apartment,  and  then 
be^an  to  reconnoiti-e  the  well-funiished  breakfast-table. 

His  host  resumed  his  seat,  and  jerking  out  his  short 
legs  as  though  he  were  on  liorseback,  fixed  his  little 
beady  black  eyes  upon  Charles,  and  opened  a  voluble 
battery  with — "  Charming  sport  fox-hunting ! — was  a 
great  sportsman  myself  !^ — one  of  the  fastest  of  the  fast 
— long  since  now— days  of  old  Sef.  in  fact— have  often 
sat  up  in  the  saddle-room  at  Qnoni  playing  cards  till  it 
was  time  to  go  to  cover.  Those  n-ere  the  days !  No 
such  young  men  now — degenerate  race,  quite— horses, 
too.  all  good  for  nothing— bad  and  weedy — no  welters — 
shaU  never  see  such  horses  or  hunting  again  as  we  used 
then— real  science  of  the  thing  exploded — all  riding  and 
racing — no  such  men  as  old  Meynell— or  Corbet,  or 
Lambton,  or  any  of  your  lasters.  Swell  masters  ruin  a 
country — go  a  burst,  and  are  done — foxes  now  run  short 
and  bad — worse  than  hares — if  it  wasn't  the  grass  the 
thing  would  be  over.  Pray  make  yourself  at  home. 
Take  tea  or  coffee?  None  of  youi'  flagon-of-ale  and 
round-of-beef  breakfasts  now-a-days — slip-slop,  wishy- 
washy,  milk-and-water,  effeminate  stuff' — spoil  nerves — 
no  such  riders  as  there  used  to  be.  Cold  fowl  on  the 
sideboard — Aaron  will  bi'ing  some  hot  sausages  directly. 
Tm-f  seems  all  rotten — saw  O'Kelly's  young  Eclipse  win 
the  Derby  in  1781 — horses  were  horses  then — Eclipse — 
Florizel — Highflyer — Juniper  —  men  that  might  be  called 
sportsmen  and  gentlemen  too — not  yovir  half-lord  and 
half-leg. 

"  There  was  Lord  Abingdon,"  continued  the  old  gen- 
tlemen, telling  them  off' on  his  fingers — "Duke  of  Bolton 
—  Sir  Charles  Bunbury — Mr.  Bradyll — Lord  Clermont — 
Ml'.  Jolliff — rememl^er  his  bay  horse,  Foxhuntoribus  by 
Fox-huntei',  well.  Then  there  was  Lord  Milsinto^vn — 
Mr.  Pulteney — Mr.  Panton — Duke  of  Queensbury — and 
a  host  whose  names  I  forget.  Ah !  those  recollections 
make  an  old  man  of  me.  Well,  never  mind !  I've  had  my 
day,  and  the  old  'uns  must  make  way  for  the  young ; " 
then,  turning  short  upon  Charley,  who  was  glancing  at 
the  newspaper  as  it  lay  on  the  table,  he  said,  with  a 
jerk,  "  Allow  me  the  ijrivilege  of  inquiring  the  name  of 
the  gentleman  I  have  the  honour  of  addressing." 

This  was  a  poser,  and  coming  after  such  a  string  of 
high-sounding  names,  poor  Charles's  humble  one  would 
cut  but  a  poor  figure  It  so  hai)pened,  however,  that  he 
was  just  skimming  by  a  sort  of  sidelong  glance  the 
monthly  advertisement  of  the  heavy  triumvirate,  wherein 


ANOTHER  BENIGHTED   SPORTSMAN  2(57 

well-known  '"  unknowns  "  make  names  for  themselves 
mnch  better  than  their  own.  There  was  "  Shooting,  by 
Ranger,"  and  "Racing  by  Rover,"  and  "Fishing,  by 
Flogger,"  and  in  larger  letters,  as  if  the  great  gun  of  the 
number,  "A  Trip  to  Trumpington,  by  Pomponius 
Ego."  ^     ^ 

Charles  had  just  got  so  far  as  this,  when  suddenly 
inteiTOgated  as  described,  when  he  unconsciously  slipped 
out  the  words.  "  Pomponius  Ego." 

"Pomponius  Ego!"  exclaimed  the  little  gentleman, 
jumping  on  to  his  short  legs  as  though  he_  were  shot. 
extending  his  arms  and  staring  with  astonishment,  "  I 
never  was  so  out  in  my  life ! " 

Charley.— "I  beg  pardon " 

"No  apologies,  my  dear  sir."  interrupted  our  host, 
resuming  his  seat  with  a  thump  that  stotted  his  short 
legs  off  the  cai-pet.  "No  apology!  no  apology!  no 
apology!  We  old  men  are  apt  to  fancy  things,  to 
fancy  things,  to  fancy  things— and  I  candidly  confess  I 
pictured  Pomponius  Ego  quite  a  different  sort  of  man 
to  myself." 

Charles.—"  But  if  you'll  allow  me  to  ex " 

"No  explanations  necessary,  my  dear  Mr.  Ego— Mi-. 
Pomponius  Ego,  I  mean,"  jabbered  the  voluble  little  old 
gentleman.  "  Eat  your  muffin  and  sausages,  and  believe 
me  you're  heartily  welcome ;  I've  lived  long  in  the  world 
—take  some  more  coffee— there's  tea  if  you  like  it,  but  I 
never  was  so  out  before.  Lord!  if  old  Q.*  could  see 
me ! "  continued  he,  clasping  his  hands,  and  casting  his 
eyea  up  to  the  ceiling. 

Charley.—"  Well,  but  perhaps,  sir, " 

"  There's  no  perhaps's  in  the  matter,  my  dear  sir — no 
])orliapH  in  the  matter;  I'll  tell  you  candidly,  I  pictured 
P(jiiiponiu8  Ego  a  pi-osy  old  cliap,  wlio  wfnt  the  horse- 
in-the-mill  round  of  his  stories  from  sheer  want  of 
originality  and  inability  to  move  from  home  in  search 
of  novelty.  The  only  thing  that  ever  staggered  me  was 
your  constant  asHcrtion,  that  second  liorses  were  un- 
known in  Lpicestershirc  in  MeyncH'H  time.  Never  was 
a  greater  fallacy,  saving  your  presence!  Always  had  a 
second  horse  out  myself,  thougli  I  only  rode  oiglit  stim 
t*,'n  never  took  soup  for  fear  of  getting  fat -a  liost  of 
othfM-H  had  Hpcond  liorseH— Lambton  ajid  Lockley.  and 
Lindow  and  liOiniiic  SiiiKh,  and — But  never  mind!  don't 
aesert  tliat  again,  you   know— don't  Jissert  that  again. 

•  The  BjiorHntr  Lord  Qiiceiislmry  ubcd  to  l>o  caUed  old  Q. 


268  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Now  take  another  sausapre,"  pushing  the  dish  towai'fls 
Charley  in  a  friendly,  forprivinf?  sort  of  way,  as  if  to 
atone  for  the  uneasiness  the  correction  had  occasioned 
him. 

"  But  I  never  said  anything  of  the  sort ! "  exclaimed 
Charley,  reddening  np,  as  soon  as  he  conld  get  a  word 
in  sideways. 

"  Saving  yonr  presence,  a  dozen  times,"  rejoined  the 
little  mercurial  old  gentleman — "a  dozen  times  at  least .'" 
repeated  he,  most  emphatically.  "  The  fact  is,  my  dear 
sir,  I  dare  say  yon  wi-ite  so  much,  yon  forget  what  you 
say.  We  readers  have  better  memories.  I  noted  it  par- 
ticularly, for  it  was  the  only  thing  that  ever  shook  my 
conviction  of  Pompouius  Ego  being  a  very  old  man. 
But  let  that  pass.  Don't  be  discouraged.  I  like  your 
writings,  especially  the  first  time  over.  Few  stories 
bear  constant  telling ;  but  yoii've  a  wonderful  knack  at 
dressing  them  up. 

"  My  father  had  a  J0II3'  knack  at  cooking  up  an  almanack 
Yes,  he  had  a  jolly  knack  at  cooking  up  an  almanack. 

By  the  way,  i/oit  once  cooked  up  an  almanack !  and  a 
pretty  hash  it  was,  too ! "  added  the  little  old  gentle- 
man. "I'll  tell  you  what,"  continued  he,  tucking  his 
legs  up  in  his  chair,  and  grasping  a  knee  with  each 
hand;  "Til  tell  you  what — I'd  like  to  match  you  against 
the  gentleman  that  does  the  cunning  advertisements  of 
Rowland's  Odonto  or  Pearl  Dentifrice ;  I'd  lay — " 

"  Zounds,  sir ! "  inteiTupted  Charles. 

"Hear  me  out,"  exclaimed  the  old  gentleman,  ''hear 
me  out ! "  repeated  he,  throwing  an  arm  out  on  each  side 
of  the  chair ;  "  I'd  match  you  to  lead  one  further  on  in 
an  old  story,  without  discovery,  than  Rowland's  man 
does  with  his  puffs  of  paste,  or  whatever  his  stuff  is." 

"  But  you  are  on  the  wi'ong  scent  altogether,"  roared 
Charles ;  "  I've  nothing  to  do  with  Pomponius  Ego  or 
Pearl  Dentifrice  either.'' 

"  Blastation ! "  screamed  the  little  old  gentleman, 
jumping  xip  frantically  into  his  chair,  with  a  coffee-cup 
in  one  hand  and  a  saxicer  in  the  other ;  "  Blastation  !  tell 
me  that,  when  it's  written  in  every  feature  of  yoiir 
face !"  So  saying,  he  sent  the  cup  through  the  window, 
and  clapped  the  saucer  on  his  head. 


"  Come    and   feed    the   chuck    cocks— pretty    chiick 


ANOTHER   BENIGHTED   SPORTSMAN 


269 


cocks,"  said  Aaron,  stiiniprng  in  at  the  sound  of  the 
crash ;  '"  come  and  feed  the  chuck  cocks— pretty  chuck 
cocks,"  repeated  he  soothingly,  taking  his  master  down 
by  the  ai-m.  and  leading  him  quietly  out  of  the  room, 
observing  to  Stobbs  as  they  went,  '"  It's  yo\ir  red  coat 
that's  raisin'  him." 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 


PIGG  S  POEMS 

'  'Botit  Lonnun,  then,  divent  ye  make  sic  a  rout, 
There's  nowse  there  maw  winkers  to  dazzle  : 

For  a'  the  fine  things  ye  are  gobbin  about, 
We  can  marra  in  canny  Newcassel," — Pigg's  Poems. 

AN  ye  let  us  lie  i'  yere  barn,  please, 
canny  man  ? "  inquired  Pigg  of  a 
fanner,  at  whose  door  he  knocked 
a  long  time  on  the  night  of  this 
memorable  run,  before  he  got  him 
to  answer.  "  Ar's  di'ippin'  wet,  hviss 
is  tired,  and  hunds  can't  travel." 

"Who  are  ye?"  inquired  the 
farmer,  unused  to  visitors  at  any 
time,  more  particularly  after  night- 
fall. 

"  Ar's   Pigg,    Squire    JoiTocks's 

huntsman,"  replied  James ;  "  we've 

liad  a  desperate  run,  and  canna  get 

hyem  te  neet." 

"  S-o-o-o ! "    replied    the    farmer    in    astonishment. 

"  Here,  Mary ! "  halloaing  to  his  wife ;   "  fetch  a  light, 

liere  be  the  hounds.     And  hev  ye  killed  him  ?  "  inquired 

the  fanner,  looking  closer  at  his  visitor. 

"Aye,  killed  him,  aye.  Ar's  gettin'  his  head  i'  my 
pocket— if  ye  can  put  your  hand  in  you  may  get  it — 
ar's  see  numb  ar  can  de  noiit." 

****** 
"  &i\ve-lie  he's  a  big  un ! "  exclaimed  the  farmer,  pull- 
ing out  the  head,  and  weighing  it  by  the  ears ;  "  Well,  I 
think ! — but  come,  let's  get  ye  put  ui) — it's  a  tangible 
night ;  not  one  for  standin'  out  at  doors.  Here !  fetch 
the  lantern,  Jane,  and  help  me  to  put  the  beast  away,  so 
as  to  make  room  for  the  gen'leman's  horse  ; "  adding  to 
Pigg,  "  you  are  surely  very  wet." 

Pigg. — "  Wet,  aye !  svet  as  muck.  Ar  wish  ar  may  ha' 
getten  all  my  liunds  away  though.  If  ye  can  let  us  have 
some  clean  stree  i'  the  bani,  wor  ard  maister  11  pay  ye 
liberal  for  't  i'  the  mornin' — he's  quite  the  gent." 


pigg's  poems  271 

''  A I  never  mind  about  the  pay,  we  will  do  what  we 
can  for  you,"  replied  the  farmer.  So  sayinj?,  he  led  the 
way  with  the  lantern,  and  the  jaded  horse  and  tired 
hounds  followed  on  with  Pi^g. 

The  fanner's  lads  took  the  horse,  while  Pigg  looked 
over  his  hounds,  and  finding  only  a  couple  and  a  haK 
wanting,  he  sliook  them  down  plenty  of  straw,  and 
retiu-ned  to  the  house  to  see  what  he  could  get  to  feed 
them  on.  A  tub  full  of  milk,  with  bro^vn  loaves  sliced 
into  it.  was  quickly  prepared,  but  there  was  little  demand 
for  it,  the  majority  of  the  hounds  seeming  to  j)refer  a 
continuance  of  the  rest  into  which  they  were  quietly 
subsiding  to  Ijeing  disturbed  for  a  meal.  At  length 
they  had  all  been  coaxed  to  the  pail,  and  after  a  hearty 
shake  each  nestled  into  his  neighboui",  and  the  pack  were 
soon  in  a  very  small  compass. 

Having  seen  his  horse  done  up  also,  Pigg  began  to 
turn  his  attention  to  himself. 

■'  Sink,  but  it's  wet,"  said  he,  giving  his  cap  a  dash 
towards  the  floor,  which  sent  a  shower  bath  on  to  the 
flags ;  "  however,  ar's  lucky  in  gettia'  housed  at  all ;  for 
ar  reaUy  thou'ht  ar'd  ha'  had  to  lie  out  like  them  poor 
divils  at  Chobham ; "  saying  which  he  followed  the 
fanner  into  an  apaiiment,  in  which  sat  his  wife  and 
daughters,  roimd  a  fire  composed  ofja^little  coal  and  a 
good  deal  of  ruljl^ish-wood. 

"  Ar  think  ar'll  gan  intrj  the  kitclieu,"  obsei*ved  Pigg, 
looking  at  the  fire. 

'■  Tiiis  >je  the  kitclien,"  replied  the  farmer's  wife,  set- 
ting him  a  chair  by  the  fire,  thinking  lie  was  sliy. 

Pigg  sat  down,  and  after  contemi)lating  the  fire  a  few 
seconds,  he  exclaimed,  "  Ods  wons !  b\it  ye  keep  varry 
bad  fires  i'  this  country." 

"  Nay,  man."  replied  Mi-.  Butterfield,  his  host,  "we  call 
that  a  viin-a  good  one. " 

"Ar  doesn't  ken  what  a  ))ad  uu  11  Im;  like,  then," 
rejoined  James. 

"Well,"  said  Butterfield,  throwing  on  another  faggot, 
"you  are  welcome  to  it,  such  as  it  is.  What  will  you 
liave  to  eat  ?  " 

"  Ought  ye  can  give  me,"  said  Pigg ;  "  a  rasher  <>' 
V^acon,  collops  and  eggs,  or  ought."  casting  his  eye  up 
at  the  flitclies  and  hams  hanging  from  the  ceiling, 
adding,  "  ar's  mortal  hungry." 

While  the  ra.shors  of  bacon  were  fi-jing,  Bnlterfield 
made  Pigg  exchange  his  wet  coat,  waistcoat,  and  sliirt. 
for  di-y  clothes  of  his  own,  and  adding  a  cold  pork-pie 


272  HANDLEY   CEOSS 

and  a  flagon  of  ale  to  the  hot  bacon,  Pigff  was  very  soon 
in  his  glory-  Having  at  length  cleared  the  decks,  he 
again  turned  to  the  fire,  which,  eyeing  for  some  time 
with  critical  amazement,  he  at  length  exclaimed,  with  a 
laugh.  '■  Sink,  if  mar  coosin  Deavilboger  see'd  sick  a  fire 
i"  lus  kitchen,  ar  wonder  what  he'd  say  !  " 

"  You'U  keep  good  fires  in  your  country,  then,  I  pre- 
sume ?  "  inquired  Mrs.  Butterfield. 

"Aye,  fires,  aye!"  exclaimed  Pigg;  "nebody  kens 
what  a  fire  is  but  them  as  has  been  i'  wor  country." 

*' Wherealjouts  is  it?"  inquired  Butterfield,  puzzled 
with  his  dialect. 

Pigg.—"  A  canny  Newcassel,  where  all  the  coals  come 
frae.  You've  niver  been  there,  ar's  wam'd,  or  you'd  have 
heard  tell  o'  mar  coosin  Deavilboger— farms  a  hundred 
and  nine  acres  of  land  aside  Kenton.  Sink  it,  frae  his 
loupin  on  stane  ar's  seen  all  the  country  side  flaring  wi' 
pit  loues.  Mar  coosin's  kitchen  fire  niver  gans  out  frae 
Kirsmas  to  Kirsmas.  A !  it  is  a  bonny  country  !  By  my 
soide,  ar's  niver  been  reetly  warmed  sin  ar  left  the  Noi-th. 

"Indeed!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Butterfield,  in  astonish- 
ment ;  "  your  cousin  must  spend  a  fortin  i'  firin'." 

"Deil  a  bit— coals  cost  nout— if  they  did,  folks  wad 
wanu  theirsels  at  the  pit  heaps.  Iv'ry  poor  man  has  his 
shed  full  o'  coals;  gi-eat  blazin'  fires  to  come  hyem  te  at 
night,  a  nice  singin'  hinnies,  all  ready  for  slicin'  and 
butterin',  swingin'  o'  the  girdle— biit  ye  dinna  ken  what 
a  girdle  is  i'  this  coimtry,  ar's  warn'd." 

"  No,"  replied  Mrs.  Butterfield ;  "  we  don  t. 

"Why,  ye  see,"  said  James,  "it's  a  great  round,  fiat 
iron  broad  like,  may  be,  three  times  as  big  as  yom-  hat- 
crown,  with  a  hoop  over  the  top  to  hank  it  on  tiv  a  crook 
i'  the  chimley ;  and  then  the  missis  makes  a  thing  like  a 
spice  loaf,  which  she  rolls  out  flat  with  a  rollin'-pin,  till 
it's  the  size  o'  the  girdle,  and  about  as  thick  as  yeer 
finger,  and  then  she  bakes  it  on  the  girdle,  and  splets  it 
up,  and  butters  it  see  that  the  grease  rims  right  down 
your  gob  as  ye  eat  it." 

"Nay,  then!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Butterfield,  "but  that 
will  only  be  for  gentle  folk  ?  "  ..,,.. 

Pigg  _"  ly-j-y  man  i'  the  country  has  a  smgm  hmnie 
of  a  Saturday  night,  and  many  of  a  Sunday,  tee.  There 
wasn't  a  man  on  mar  coosin  Deavilboger's  farm  but  has 
his  fifteen  and  sixteen  shillin'  a-week,  and  some  up  to 

"  Wondei-f ul ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Butterfield,  who  only 
paid  his  eight.    "  It  must  be  a  grand  coimtry  to  live  in. 


PIGGS  POEMS  27:5 

"  A,  it's  a  granrl  country ! "  repeated  Pitrg.  "'  Ar's  sm-e 
ar's  never  been  rightly  warm  sin'  I  left  it.  What  they 
call  a  fire  i'  the  Sonth.  is  nabbut  what  we  wad  tak  to 
lig-ht  one  on  witli  i'  the  North;"  rnbbinsf  his  wet  cords 
as  he  spoke.  "A,  it's  a  bonny  country! — bonny  Shiney 
Raws  all  about  the  pits.  Ivery  man  with  his  pig  and  his 
gairden ;  sweetbriar  i'  the  middle,  and  iioseys  round  about." 

"  You  must  have  a  drop  of  gin.  and  see  if  that  will 
wann  you,"  rejoined  Mr.  Butterfield,  unlocking  a  cup- 
board as  he  spoke.  "  Here.  Mary,  get  some  glasses,  and 
put  the  kettle  on,  and  let  us  have  a  cheerer  to  the  gentle- 
man's health.  It's  not  every  night  that  brings  us  a  visitor." 

A  lai-ge  black  bottle  of  Hollands,  labelled  "  Eye 
Water,"  part  of  a  contraband  cargo,  was  fearlessly 
placed  on  the  table.  More  wood  and  coal  were  added 
to  the  fire ;  the  wood  crackled  merrily  up  the  chimney, 
shedding  a  cheerful  blaze  over  the  family  group  circled 
about.  One  seat  of  honour  was  ceded  to  Pigg.  the  other 
was  occupied  by  Mrs.  Butterfield.  while  her  two  daughters 
came  in  between  her  and  their  father,  who  sat  in  the 
centre,  and  the  seiwant  lads  kept  a  little  in  the  rear  of 
their  master  on  the  left.  The  seiwant  girl  bustled  about 
in  the  background. 

"  Help  yourself,  now,"  said  Mr.  Butterfield,  passing 
the  bottle  and  tumbler  to  Pigg,  having  poured  himself 
and  his  wife  each  out  a  glass.  "  Don't  be  afraid  of  it ; 
yoii're  heartily  welcome,  and  there's  more  in  the  cupboard 
when  yoii've  finished  that.  Here's  your  good  health!  I'm 
fond  of  fox-hunters." 

"  Thank  ye,"  replied  Pigg.  filling  his  glass  half  full  of 
gin,  and  to))ping  it  with  hot  watei-.  "  Ar  wish  the  counti-y 
was  made  (/  sich  chaps  as  ye ;  we  fihouldn't  hear  se  much 
'  war  wlieat '  then,  ar's  wani'd  ye." 

Mr.  B>ittoi-field  did  not  catch  the  latter  pai-t  of  the 
Hentpuce,  or  he  would  have  read  him  a  lecture  on  i-iding 
over  wheat. 

A  second  half  tiiuilih'v  Kncceeded  tlu'  first,  and  Pigg 
waxed  unconniioiilv  jovial  ;  his  eyos  twiiikh'd,  ;ui(l  his 
t'>ngue  ran  riot  with  all  manner  of  stories,  cliicfly  alii)ut 
liunting.  the  importance  of  his  cousin  Deavilliogcr,  and 
the  magnificence  of  the  town  of  Newcassel.  "Mr.  ,Tor- 
n)ckH  was  nothing  but  a  crood  un.  If  it  w.'isn't  for  him, 
he'd  never  stof)  i'  the  South."  At  tho  third  liiilf  tumbler, 
Deavilboger's  fami  liad  grown  into  nine  hundred  acres, 
and  Newfaasel  wns  bigger  tlian  fjomlon. 

"God  sink  ar'll  sing  ye  a  snng,"  said  he,  turning  the 
'iuid  in  his  mouth.     "A!  one  o'  the  lioniiioHt  sangs  that 

T 


27 1  HA.NDLEY  CROSS 

iver  was  snii^'— all  about  a  do.ef  o'  wor  toon,  and  when  at- 
stamps  wi'  my  foot,  ye  mun  all  join  cliorus.  Now  ar  11 
begin : — 

"  In  a  town  neai"  Newcassel,  a  pitman  did  dwell, 
Wiv  his  wife  named  Peg,  a  tom-cat,  and  himsel; 
A  doET  called  Cappy,  ho  doated  upon, 
Because  he  was  left  by  his  great  uncle  Tom. 

Weel  bred  Cappy,  famous  au'd  Cappy, 
Cappy's  the  dog,  Talliho,  Talliho  !  " 

"Now,  that  last's  chorus,"  obsei-vedPigg,  wiping  the 

tobacco  stream  from  his  mouth  with  his  sleeve. 

"  His  tail  ])itcher-handled,  his  colour  ,iet  black ; 
Just  a  foot  and  a  half  was  the  lenprth  of  his  back  ; 
His  legs  seven  inches  frer  shoulders  to  paws. 
And  his  lugs  like  twe  dockins,  hung  owre  his  jaws." 

Hereupon  Pigg  gave  a  mighty  stamp,  and  the  company 

joined  in  with — 

"  "Weel  bred  Cappy,  famous  au'd  Cappy, 
Cappy's  the  dog,  Talliho,  TalUho! 

"  For  huntin'  of  varmin  reet  clever  was  he, 
And  the  house  frer  a'  robber-  his  bark  wad  keep  free. 
Could  ))aith  fetch  and  carry;  could  sit  on  a  stool, 
Or,  when  trisky,  wad  hunt  vpater-rats  in  a  pool. 
Weel  bred  Cappy,  &c. 

"  As  Ralphy  to  market  one  morn  did  repair. 
In  his  hatband  a  pipe,  and  weel  combed  was  his  hair, 
Ower  his  arm  hung  a  basket— thus  onwards  he  speels. 
And  enter'd  Newcassel  wi'  Cap  at  his  heels. 
Weel  bred  Cappy,  &o. 

"  He  hadn't  got  further  than  foot  of  the  side. 
Afore  ho  fell  in  witli  the  dog-killin'  tribe ; 
When  a  liighwayman  fellow  slipp'd  round  in  a  crack, 
And  a  thump  o'  the  skull  laid  him  flat  on  his  back  ! 
Down  went  Cappy,  Ac. 

"  Now  Ralphy,  exfoni?)i'd,  Cap's  fate  did  repine, 
Whilst  its  eyes  Uke  twe  little  pearl  buttons  did  shine ; 
He  then  spat  on  his  hiinds,  in  a  fury  he  grow. 
Cries,  '  'Gad  smash  !  but  ar'l  hev  settisfaction  o'  thou, 
Foi-  knockin'  down  Cappy,  Ac. 

"  Then  this  grim-luikcn  fellow  his  bludgeon  he  nrsed. 
When  Kalphj'  eyed  Cappy,  and  then  stood  amazed, 
But  fearin'  aside  him  he  might  be  laid  down. 
Threw  him  into  the  basket,  and  bang'd  out  o'  town. 
Away  went  Caiipy,  &c. 

"  Ho  brecthless  gat  hyem,  and  when  liftin'  the  succk. 
His  wife  exclaim'd,  '  Ralphy  !  thou's  suin  gottin'  back  ; ' 
'  Gotten  back ! '  replied  Ralphy,  '  ar  wish  ar'd  ne'er  gyen, 
In  Newcassel,  they're  fellin  dogs,  lasses,  and  men, 
1  hey've  knocked  down  Cappy,  &c. 

"  '  If  aw  gan  to  Newcassel,  when  comes  wor  pay  week, 
Ar'  liken  him  again  by  the  patch  on  his  cheek  ; 
Or  if  ever  he  enters  wor  toon  wiv  his  stick. 
We'll  thumii  him  about  till  he's  black  as  au'd  Nick. 
For  killin'  au'd  Cappy,  &c. 


pigmy's  poems  276 

"  Wiv  tears  iu  her  een,  Peggy  heard  his  sad  tale, 
And  Ralph  ^viv  confusion  and  terror  grew  pale ; 
While  Cappy's  transactions  with  gi-ief  they  talk'd  o'er. 
He  creeps  out  o'  the  basket  quite  brisk  on  the  floor ! 
Weel  done,  Cappy !  "  &c. 

Gi'eat  applause  followed,  producing  another  song, 
"  The  Keel  Row,"  after  which  came  another  stilf  tumbler 
of  gin  and  water — then  another  song,  or  parts  of  a  song 
rathei — for  the  vocalist  was  fast  becoming  hors  de 
combat; — his  face  tui-ned  gi-een — his  eye  gi*adually 
glazed,  and  at  length  his  chin  sunk  on  his  breast ;  but 
for  the  fortunate  circumstance  of  the  farmer's  boy  being 
on  the  look-out,  his  tumbler  woiild  have  dropped  to  the 
ground.  They  then  carried  Mr.  Pigg  off  to  bed,  but  not 
l>eing  able  to  get  off  his  boots,  they  happed  him  up  as 
he  was. 

The  next  moraing  when  Farmer  Butterfield  came 
down-stairs,  he  found  Pigg  on  his  over-night  seat,  with 
hia  legs  cocked  over  the  back  of  a  chair,  with  one  of  his 
Ijoys  blacking  his  boots.  He  had  neither  cold  nor  head- 
ache, and  eat  as  much  breakfast  as  if  he  had  had  no 
supper.  His  coat  was  di-y,  his  waistcoat  was  dry,  he  was 
all  dry  together ;  the  sun  shone  brightly,  the  lost  hounds 
had  cast  up,  and  taken  shelter  in  an  out-house,  his  horse 
was  f  re-shish,  and  the  pack  poured  out  of  the  bam  bright 
and  glossy  in  their  coats,  though  somewhat  stiff  in  their 
limbs. 

"  If  evir  ye  come  to  Handley  Cross,  wor  ard  maister 
will  >>e  glad  to  thank  ye  and  pay  ye,"  said  Pigg,  grasping 
the  fai-mer's  hand  as  he  mounted,  "  and  if  evir  ye  gan 
to  canny  Newcassel,  cast  your  eye  o'er  mar  coosin 
DeavilVtoger's  farm — A  !  what  tormots  he  has  !  Aye. 
and  see  his  gi-and  pedigree  bull — A  !  what  a  bull  ho  has! "' 

"  You're  heartily  welcome,"  replied  Fanner  Butter- 
field,  shaking  Pigg  by  the  hand,  "and  whenever  you 
l)a88  this  way,  give  us  a  look  in,  tliere'U  always  l)e  a  drop 
of  eye-water  in  the  l)ottle ;  stay,  let's  open  the  gate  for 
yon  ;"  ninningtr)  the  fold-yard,  from  which  Pigg  emerged 
with  the  glad  j)nfk  at  his  iiorse's  heels. 

Mrs.  Buttei-fifid,  lior  daughters  and  servants,  were 
clustered  at  the  door,  to  whom  Pigg  again  rotunied 
thanks,  and  touching  his  cap,  trotted  down  tlie  lane  on 
to  the  road,  the  brightness  of  the  niornintr  contrasting 
with  the  dark  wiMnoss  of  the  hour  in  which  he  amvod. 
Wliat  a  diflV>icnt  place  he  h;id  got  to,  to  what  ho 
thought!   On  JMgg  jogged,  now  coaxing  a  weakly  liound, 


276  HANDLKY   CROSS 

now  talking  to  his  horse,  and  now  striking  up  the  chorus 
of — 

"  Uappy's  the  dog,  Talliho !  Talliho ! " 


"Your  master's  just  gone  through,"  said  Anthony 
Smith  at  the  BaiTOw  Hill  Gate. 

"  Mar  maister,"'  replied  Pigg,  "  what,  Squire  Jor- 
rocks  ?  " 

"Teas,"  said  the  man,  '"he  was  axing  if  I  could  tell 
him  what  become  of  his  hounds  yesterday." 

"  Indeed,"  replied  Pigg,  "  give  me  fourpence  and  a 
ticket." 

On  Pigg  trotted  as  well  as  he  could  with  a  pack  of 
hounds  without  a  whipj^er-in,  and  catching  a  view  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  broad  red  back  rounding  a  bend  in  the  road, 
he  gave  a  puff  of  his  horn  that  acted  like  magic. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  stoi^ped  as  though  he  was  shot. 

Turning  shoi-t  back,  he  espied  his  huntsman  and  the 
hounds,  and  great  was  the  joy  and  exultation  at  meeting. 

"  Killed  him,  did  you  say  ?  "  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTOcks, 
in  ecstasies,  "vere's  his  brush?" 

"  A,  sink  'em,  they'd  s])oird  it,"  replied  Pigg,  "  afore 
iver  I  gat  te  them — but  ar's  getten  his  head  i'  my 
pocket!" 

'■  Patch  it  out !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  vy,  man, 
you  should  ride  with  it  at  your  'osses'  side.  Have  you 
never  a  couple  loup  to  your  saddle  ? — run  a  l)it  of  vipcord 
through  his  snout,  and  let  the  world  see  the  wonders 
we've  done — you've  no  proper  pride  about  you !  There 
now,"  continued  he,  having  adjusted  the  head  at  Pigg's 
saddle  side,  "  let  the  world  see  it — don't  let  your  coat- 
la])  hang  over  it." 

Thus  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  Pigg  proceeded  at  a  foot's 
pace,  relating  their  mutual  adventures.  Before  they 
had  got  to  the  end  of  their  stories,  who  but  Charles 
should  pop  upon  them  from  a  bye-road,  and  the  three 
having  got  together  again,  they  entered  Handley  Cross 
in  triumphant  procession,  as  though  they  had  never 
parted.  Rumours  of  the  mn  had  been  rife  all  the 
morning,  but  in  what  direction  it  had  been  nobody  could 
tell.  The  stables  and  kennel  were  besieged  by  inquirers, 
and  Mr.  Fribbleton,  the  man-milliner,  who  edited  the 
"  Paul  Pry,"  having  been  granted  an  audience,  managed 
from  Mr.  Jorrocks's  account  to  manufacture  the  follow- 
ing article  for  the  second  edition  of  his  paper.  It  was 
headed— 


PIGO  S   POEMS 


27t 


"Brilliant  Run  with  Mr.  Jorrocks's  Hounds!" 
and  proceeded — 

"As  this  unri^■alled  pack  were  taking  their  daily- 
exercise  on  the  Summeiion  Road,  accompanied  by  the 
huntsman,  their  worthy  master,  and  his  friend  Mr. 
James  Stobbs,  a  large  dog-i'ox  suddenly  crossed  before 
them,  with  which  the  pack  went  away  in  gallant  style, 
despite  all  efforts  to  stop  them,  as  they  were  advertised 


to  meet  at  the  'Round  of  Boof  and  Carrots'  to-morrow. 
The  place  the  fox  ho  suddenly  popped  upon  them  was 
just  at  the  four-mile-stone,  near  the  junction  on  the 
Apj)lf!dove  Road,  and  as  tliorn  wei-e  some  (•(pursers  on 
Arthingt^m  open  fiolds,  it  is  C(jnjpcturcd  }«)ld  Reynard, 
having  l)een  Hudd^nly  disturticd  \>y  tlio  long  dogs,  had 
como  upon  Qv.  hounds  in  a  somowhat  rufilcd  stato  of 
mind,  without  dreaming  of  liis  danger.  However,  he 
was  (piickly  convinced  tliat  there  was  some,  by  tlie  cry 


278  HANDLEY  CROSS 

of  his  redoubtable  pursuers,  and  tlie  shortness  of  his 
start  caused  him  to  put  his  best  leg  foremost;  and 
settiufi:  his  head  for  WoUaton  Plantations,  he  went 
straight  as  an  aiTow  towards  them,  passing  near  the 
main  eai-ths  on  Thoresby  Moor  and  going  through  the 
low  end  of  the  plantations,  where  tliey  run  out  into  a 
belt. 

"Here  he  was  chased  by  a  woodman's  dog,  and  the 
hounds  came  to  a  momentary  check ;  but  Mr.  Joirocks, 
being  well  up,  made  a  scientific  cast  foi-ward,  and  getting 
upon  grass,  they  hit  off  the  scent  at  a  meuse,  and  went 
at  a  racing  pace  down  to  Crowland,  through  Lady  Cross 
Park,  leaving  Bilson  a  little  on  the  right,  and  so  on  to 
Langford  Plantations,  from  thence  by  King's  Gate  to 
Hookem-Snivey,  and  on  by  Staunton-Snivey  to  the 
Downs,  crossing  at  Depedean,  leaving  the  Windmill  to 
the  right,  and  the  Smugglers'  Cave  on  the  left.  Night 
and  a  humcane  now  came  on ;  but,  despite  all  impedi- 
ments, this  ti-uly  gallant  i^ack  i-ealized  their  fox  at  tlie 
foot  of  Gunstou  Crags.  A  few  more  minutes  would 
have  thrown  the  mantle  of  protection  over  the  varmint, 
for  the  crags  are  strongholds,  from  whence  foxes  are 
seldom  or  ever  dislodged.  It  was  the  biggest  Reynard 
that  ever  was  seen,  and  the  tag  of  his  tail  was  uncom- 
monly large. 

"  The  distance  gone  over  could  not  have  been  less 
than  five-and-twenty  miles ;  and  altogether  it  was  the 
vei-y  finest  run  ever  encountered  in  the  annals  of  fox- 
hunting. Mr.  Jorrocks  went  like  a  bird,  and  earned  a 
title  to  a  niche  among  the  crack  riders  of  England. 

"  The  hounds  lay  out  all  night,  but  have  arrived  at 
Handley  Cross  in  very  fair  order ;  and  we  trust  this  run 
is  a  j)relude  to  a  long  career  of  brilliant  si^ort  that  we 
shall  have  the  good  fortune  to  record  under  the  auspices 
of  their  most  sporting  master,  and  his  equally  renowned 
and  energetic  Scotch  huntsman — Charles  Pigg." 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  wi-ote  the  following  letter  to  Bill 
Bowker : — 

"Dear  Bovpker, 

"  Tour's  to  hand,  and  note  the  contents.  We've 
had  a  buster  !  Three  houi's  without  a  check  and  a  kill ! 
Should  have  been  'ajipy  to  have  sent  old  '  Nunquam 
Dormio '  *  an  account,  but  it  was  a  bye  on  the  sly,  and 
no  one  being  out,  there  are  no  names  to  bring  in.    It's 

*  An  eye,  with  "nunquam  dormio"  round,  is  the  crest  arfl  mjtto  of 
BelVa  Life. 


PIGKJ'S  POEMS  279 

soapin'  cliaps  cleverly  wot  makes  a  iixn  read.  How- 
somever,  I  hopes  to  have  lots  of  clippers  for  him  to 
record  Vjefore  long'.  Not  that  I  cares  about  fame,  but 
it's  well  to  let  the  'oiinds  have  the  credit  of  what  they 
do.  You  say  Dormio  will  spice  the  articles  up  with 
learning-  and  Latin.  Latin  be  'ansed  I— Greek  too,  if 
there's  any  gro-wni  now-a-days.     Now  for  the  run. 

"  It's  an  old  sayin'.  and  a  true  'un,  that  a  bad  beginnin' 
often  makes  a  good  eudin'.  "We  lost  Binjamin  at 
stai-tin' ;  the  little  beggar  was  caught  in  the  spikes  of  a 
po-chay,  and  can-ied  a  stage  out  of  town — teach  him  to 
walk  up  street  for  futur'.  Howsomever,  oif  we  set  with- 
out him,  and  a  tremendiovis  mm  was  the  result.  I  send 
you  the  "  Pry,"  and  you  can  judge  for  yourself ;  the  first 
pai-t,  about  the  find,  must  be  taken  cum  (jranu  ml  is,  with 
a  leetle  Quieanne  pepper,  as  Pomponius  Ego  would 
say.  We  meant  to  nave  a  private  rehearsal  as  it  were, 
and  got  a  five-act  comedy  instead  of  a  three.  Indeed, 
it  were  like  to  have  been  a  ti-agedy. 

"  Somehow  or  other  I  got  to  the  Earl  of  Bramber's, 
where  there  was  a  ^-eat  spread,  and  I  had  a  good  blow- 
out, and  a  solemnish  di-ink.  Either  I  walked  in  my 
sleep  and  fell  into  a  pond  or  some  one  pitched  me  into 
one.  and  I  was  as  near  dro^Tied  as  a  toucher.  How- 
somever, I  got  out.  and  wen-y  attentive  people  were  to 
me,  givin'  me  brandy,  and  whiskey,  and  negus,  and  all 
sorts  of  things.  I  slept  pretty  well  after  it,  nevertheless; 
but  when  I  awoke  to  get  up.  I  seemed  to  be  in  quite  a 
different  room-  no  1>ell,  no  lookin'-glass,  no  wash-hand, 
no  towels,  no  nothin',  hut  my  'unting  clothes  were  laid 
nice  and  orderly.  I  dressed,  and  found  my  way  to  the 
breakfast-room,  when  sich  a  roar  of  laugliter  greeted 
my  enti-ance !  Still,  they  were  all  werry  purlite ;  but  I 
observed,  whenever  a  sr-rvant  came  in  he  nearly  split  his 
sides  with  laugliin'.  AVfll.  jist  as  I  was  goin'  away,  I 
caught  a  sight  of  myself  in  a  glass,  and,  oli,  crikey  !  my 
face  was  painted  broad  red  and  yellow  stripes,  zebra- 
faehion !  I  couldn't  V)e  angry,  for  it  was  so  weny  well 
done;  but  it  certainly  was  weiry  disrespectful  to  an 
M.F.H.  Have  no  great  fancy  for  lords— wen-y  apt  to 
make  first  a  towel,  and  then  a  dish-clout  on  one.  But 
enough  of  that. 

"  I  hope  the  Slender  has  not  been  silly  onougli  to  shoot 
an  excise-man;  tliey  an;  clearly  not  game  It  will  1k) 
haukward  for  th«'m  both  if  he  has:  of  course  he  has  too 
many  legal  fri'-iulH  not  to  get  the  best  arlvice.  I'm  sorry 
to  hear  alx>ut  Susan's  legs  -they  were  a  pair  of  unconmion 


HANDLEY   CROSS 

neat  ones,  ceitaiulie;  all  the  symmetry  of  Westris's, 
without  the  smallncss.  I  don't  think  blisterin'  ■would 
do  them  any  good ;  rest — rest— Avith  occasional  friction : 
hand-rubbin',  in  fact,  is  the  best  thing. 

"  Charley's  quite  well,  and  slept  last  night  at  a  lunatic's, 
a  poor  chap  wot  went  mad  about  "unting.  You  needn't 
send  him  none  of  your  nasty  "baccy  do>vn  here,  for  I 
don't  stand  smokin'.  As  you  say,  Snarle's  business  has 
fallen  off,  you'll  have  fewer  common  forms  to  copy,  and 
more  time  for  letter- writing.  Tip  us  a  stave  when  you've 
nothin'  to  do,  and  believe  me  yours  to  serve, 

"John  Jorrocks. 

"P.S.  l.—I  enclose  you  5/.  for  the  Slender.  Tell  him 
to  buy  a  good  hard-mouthed  counsel  with  it.  I  fear 
Billy's  only  a  Ivsus  vatitras,  or  '  loose 'un  by  natiu'','  as 
Pomponius  would  say.  J.  J. 

"  P.S.  2. — Tell  Foi-tnum  and  Mason  to  send  me  a  dozen 
pots  of  maiTQeylad;  also  Gilbertson  to  send  me  three 
quartei"n  loaves — two  brown  and  a  wite — every  other 
day.  Can't  get  sich  bread  as  his  "ere,  and  neither  Alum 
nor  Branfoote  subscribe  a  dump  to  the  'ounds,  so  it's 
no  use  puzzonin'  oneself  on  their  account.  Also  see 
Painter,  and  tell  him  if  his  turtle's  first  chop,  to  send  me 
six  quai-ts,  with  a  suitable  quantity  of  punch.       J.  J." 


CHAPTER    XXIX 

COOKING  UP   A  HUNT   DINNER 

Captain  Doleful,  ever  anxious  for  tte  prosperity  of 
the  to^NTi  and  bis  own  emolument,  conceived  that  a  hunt 
dinner  on  the  night  of  his  ball  would  have  the  effect  of 
drawing  divers  i-ui-al  pai-ties  to  the  to\n\  who  might  not 
othei-wise  honoiu-  him  with  their  presence,  and  he  lost  no 
time  in  communicating  the  idea  to  the  worthy  master. 
Mr.  JoiTocks. 

Of  course  the  (claf  it  would  confer  on  the  hunt,  and 
the  brilliancy  it  would  reflect  on  Mr.  Jorrocks's  master- 
ship, were  the  main  points  Captain  Doleful  urged  on 
behalf  of  his  proposal ;  and  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  nothing  loth 
to  indulge  in  a  good  dinner,  at  which  he  was  to  play 
first  fiddle,  readily  came  into  the  i^roposition,  and  the 
following  notice  was  inserted  in  the  "  Paul  Pry  "  : — 

"  Mr.  Jorrocks's  Fox-hounds  ! 

"  There  will  be  a  Hunt  Dinner,  at  the  Dragon  Hotel, 
on  the  night  of  the  Master  of  the  Ceremonies'  Ball,  at 
which  Members  of  the  Hunt,  and  the  public  in  general, 
are  invited  to  attend. 

"Mr.  Jorrocks  in  the  Chair! 

"Tickets,  twelve  shillings  each,  to  be  had  at  the  bar 
of  the  Dragon  Hotel  up  to  five  o'clock  on  Monday 
evening,  after  which  none  can  possibly  be  issued." 

Never  was  a  happier  device,  or  one  more  eminently 
euccessful.  Not  only  did  the  visitors  of  the  place  hasten 
to  secure  tickets,  but  j)C()i)h^  from  all  tlic  neighbouring 
towns  showered  in  tlicir  oi-di-r.s  by  the  jxiHt.  a7id  it  soon 
>>ecame  apparent  that  a  bumper  would  Ik;  the  result. 
The  longest  long  room  at  the  "  Dragon "  was  soon 
declared  inefficient  for  the  accommodation  of  the  party, 
and  the  masons  and  joiners  were  summoned  to  lay  the 
adjoining  bedroom  to  the  end,  which  would  aft^Twards 
be  rebt<jre<l  t<»  jirivacy  by  the  usual  means  of  folding- 
doors.  Then  came  the  joining  and  fitting  of  tables,  the 
measuring  of  cloths,  the  bon-owing  of  knives,  forks, 
glasses,    salt-cellars,    decanters,   and    waiters.     Captain 


282  HANDLKY   CROSS 

Doleful  flew  aboiit  tlie  towii  like  a  lost  dog  in  search  of 
its  master.  When  Mr.  Snuhbins,  the  landlord  of  the 
"  Dragon,"  failed  in  accomplishing  a  loan,  the  Captain 
exerted  his  authority  in  compelling  one.  What  with  his 
ball  and  the  dinner  he  scarcely  had  time  for  his  meals. 

On  the  Monday  he  bespoke  an  audience  with  Mr. 
JoiTocks,  to  put  the  finishing  stroke  to  his  an-ange- 
meuts.  He  was  dulj^  received  in  the  dining-room  of 
Diana  Villa,  where  pens,  ink,  and  paper  were  laid  for 
his  coming.  The  dinnei",  he  assiired  the  woi-thy  master, 
was  calculated  to  make  him  eminent  in  the  eyes  of  all 
men,  and  most  materially  to  aid  the  financial  department 
of  the  Hunt.  "  There  will  be,"  said  he,  "  a  gathering 
from  all  quarters.  Men  from  every  ijoint — sportsmen  of 
every  shade  and  grade  are  about  to  assemble,  and  if  you 
can  manage  to  tickle  the  fancy  of  each  with  a  speech,  so 
as  to  make  him  believe  his  favourite  sport  is  the  best, 
there  is  no  saying  but,  in  the  happy  mood  that  most 
men  are  in  when  pleased  and  half-drunk,  you  may  draw 
a  good  many  into  becoming  members  or  subscribing." 

"  Well,  there  can  be  no  difficulty  whatsomever  at  all," 
replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  in  making  them  a  werry  'andsome 
speech — beautiful  speech,  I  may  say,  but  in  course  they 
can't  expect  me  to  tell  them  that  I  consider  any  sport 
better  than  'unting." 

"  Why,  as  to  that,"  rejoined  Captain  Doleful,  "  it  makes 
little  odds  what  a  man  says  on  an  occasion  of  this  sort, 
especially  a  chairman,  whose  first  care  should  be  to  put 
eveiy  one  in  good  humour  with  himself ;  and  if  you  were 
to  outstep  the  real  facts  a  little  for  once,  no  one  would 
ever  think  of  throwing  it  in  your  teeth  on  a  future 
occasion.  For  instance  now,  Captain  Couples,  the  great 
courser,  has  written  for  tickets  for  three, — ^himselt,  his 
son,  and  a  friend, — in  order  that  he  may  have  the  honour 
of  making  your  acquaintance,  and  then  of  presenting 
his  son  in  due  form.  Of  course  you  will  take  an  early 
opportunity  during  the  evening  of  buttering  him  by 
introducing  as  a  toast  the  beautiful  sport  of  coursing, 
which  you  may  say  is  one  of  the  most  classical  and 
elegant  of  field  sports,  and  say  that  it  is  one  which  you 
feel  a  peculiar  pleasure  in  proposing,  inasmuch  as  you 
have  been  given  to  understand  that  one  of  the  most 
distinguished  patrons  of  the  leash  has  honoured  the 
Handley  Cross  Hunt  dinner  with  his  presence,  which 
affords  you  an  opportunity  of  coiipling  with  the  sport 
the  name  of  the  gallant  Captain  Couples,  and  of  coui'se 
the  toast  will  be  responded  to  with  a  heavy  round  of 


COOKING  UP   A  HUNT  DINNER  283 

cheers,  which  will  lay  the  captain  open  to  the  insinuating 
applications  of  Mr.  Fleeceall,  and  you  may  reckon  him, 
if  not  his  son  also,  a  member  of  your  Hunt  for  a  j^ear  at 
all  events,  especially  if  you  get  him  to  pay  the  money 
down  on  the  nail." 

"  Hunaph ! "  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  turning  it  over  in  his 
mind  whether  he  could  do  such  violence  to  his  feelings 
as  to  praise  the  spoi-t  of  coursing,  or  call  it  sjwi-t  at  all, 
for  the  sake  of  the  thi-ee  sovereigns  he  would  get  by 
Captain  Couples  becoming  a  member  of  the  Hunt. 
Nothing  daunted,  Captain  Doleful  proceeded  with  his 
enumeration  and  recommendations.  "  Mr.  Trippitt,  the 
famous  cricketei*,  will  most  likely  come.  He  was  the 
founder  of  the  Winwicket  Cricket  Club,  which  beat  all 
London  at  Lord's  the  year  before  last ;  you  should  toast 
him  and  his  club  together,  and  of  course  you  would 
string  a  lot  of  sentences  together  in  ijraise  of  the  game 
of  cricket,  which  you  are  doubtless  aware  is  most 
popular  all  over  England.  Then  there  is  Mr.  Ringmore, 
the  quoit-player,  and  loads  of  people  who  keep  some 
hobby  or  other  for  their  private  riding,  who  should  all 
be  toasted  in  turn." 

"  WeiTy  well,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  werry  well,  there 
cannot  be  not  never  no  objection  whatsomever  at  all  to 
say  in'  somethin'  pleasant  and  soapy  of  all  the  warious 
amusements,  but  it  is  weiTy  difficult  and  inconwenient 
to  have  so  many  cut  and  dried  speeches,  as  well  as  one's 
dinner  aboard  at  the  same  time.  If  I  could  uumage  to 
couple  two  or  three  of  tliem  together,  such  as  coursin', 
fishm',  and  fiddlin',  for  insttince,  it  would  suit  my  con- 
stitution )>etter." 

"  Oh,  no !  that  would  not  do,"  replied  Captain  Doleful, 
"because  one  of  tlie  objects  in  singling  out  a  spoi-t  or 
diversi^m  to  give  as  a  toast  is  the  circumstance  of  some 
patron  or  folhjwer  br-iug  at  taVJe.  who  will  make  a  speech 
in  reply  ;  but  if  you  club  two  or  three  together,  not  only 
wiU  you  fail  in  getting  any  one  to  consider  tlie  t<jast  as 
a  comi>liiiient,  Imt  no  one  wiU  rise  to  acknowledge  it, 
because,  tliougli  lie  may  ])e  a  keen  foUower  oi  one  Ijranch 
of  sport,  he  may  care  notliing  about  the  thing  you  couple 
with  it — You  understand?"' 

"  Then  we  must  jest  dot  down  what  we  think  should 
be  given,"  olwcrved  Mr.  JonockH.  "and  also  wot  1  should 
say,  for  it  is  far  luoic  tliaii  pniliablc,  indeed  I  sliouhl  say 
most  likely,  that  in  the  h^al  and  nolKo,  and  lush  and 
flush,  and  one  thing  and  another,  1  shall  forget  one  half 
o'  the  toast,  and  possibly  give  the  coursiu'  man  to  the 


284  HANDLEY   CROSS 

fiddlin'  feller,  or  the  cricketer  insteiul  of  the  qnoit- 
player."  Thereupon  Mr.  JoiTocks  took  pen,  ink,  and 
paper,  and  proceeded  to  draw  ont  his  list  of  toasts. 

"  In  course,  '  the  Queen,  and  her  Stag-'ounds '  will  come 
first,"  observed  he,  wi-iting  the  words  at  the  head  of  a 
long  slip  of  paper — adding,  "bumper  toast.  Cheers.'' 
■'  Do  you  think  there  will  be  any  staggerin'  sinner  there 
to  acknowledge  the  toast  ?  " 

"  Probably  there  will,"  replied  the  captain ;  "  at  all 
events,  if  there  isn't,  I  would  say  a  few  words  in  return, 
as  it  would  not  look  well  to  let  the  toast  pass  without 
saying  something  on  behalf  of  our  young  and  virtuous 
Queen.  I  can  acknowledge  it  as  Vice-president,  and 
also  as  holding  her  Majesty's  commission." 

"  Well  then."  said  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  "  let's  see  what  should 
come  next  ?  Shouldn't  it  be  the  'Andley  Cross  Fox- 
hounds, and  my  weri-y  good  health  P  " 

"  No^that  will  be  too  soon.  The  chairman's  health 
should  never  be  given  until  the  company  have  had  a  few 
glasses  of  wine  to  elate  them  for  shouting.  Besides, 
your  health  will  be  the  toast  of  the  evening,  and  things 
always  become  flat  after  that  is  given,  and  perhaps  the 
company  will  begin  to  disperse." 

"  Werry  well — anything  for  a  quiet  life— what  shall  we 
put  then  ?  " 

Captain  Doleful. — "Prince  Albert,  to  be  sure  !  and  his 
haiTiers." 

"  With  all  my  'eart,"  replied  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  placing  the 
Prince's  name  after  her  Majesty's. 

"  We  must  have  the  Prince  of  Whales  next,  in  course," 
observed  our  master,  "  and  all  the  rest  of  the  Royal 
family,"  putting  it  down,  and  asking  the  captain  what 
should  follow. 

"  Mr.  Strider,  the  great  racing  man  of  these  parts,  will 
most  likely  come ;  and  if  so  you  should  give  the  Turf," 
observed  Captain  Doleful.  "  Besides,  he  is  a  vei-y  likely 
man  to  become  a  member  of  the  Hunt,  if  not  to  subscribe, 
now  that  there  is  a  regular  master,  his  only  excuse  for 
not  doing  so  when  the  committee  had  the  hounds  being 
that  he  didn't  like  partnership  concerns  in  anything  but 
racehoi-ses." 

"  The  Turf,  and  Mr.  Stridor's  good  health !  "  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks  wrote  down — adding  the  words — "improve  breed 
of  'osses — promote  sport — amuse  lower  orders— mount 
cavalry — lick  the  world,"  as  the  headings  for  his 
speech. 

"  Come  now,  jog  on,"  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  looking  at  the 


COOKING  UP   A   HUNT   DINNER  285 

nib  of  liis  pen,  "  we've  only  got  five  toasts  ready  as  yet : 
shouldn't  we  give  Fox-'unting  ?  " 

"  Oh,  certainly,"  replied  Captain  Doleful ;  "  that  is  a 
general  toast,  and  acceptable  to  all ;  besides,  Mr.  Yarnley 
will  he  at  the  dinner,"  obsei-^'ed  Captain  Doleful.  "  He 
has  two  capital  covers,  and  one  capital  speech,  which  he 
likes  letting  off.  Write  down,  '  Mi-.  Yaniley,  and  Pro- 
moters of  Fox-hunting ! '  for  he  doesn't  hunt  himself,  and 
only  presei-A-es  foxes  in  order  that  he  may  have  his  health 
dnink  at  ordinaries  and  public  dinners,  when  he  tells  the 
company  how  he  has  always  preserved  foxes,  and  does 
preserve  foxes,  and  will  preserve  foxes,  and  so  forth." 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  then  added  Mr.  Tarnley's  name  to  the  list 
of  toasts,  adding  the  words,  "proprietors  of  covers  and 
promoters  of  fox-'unting,"  and  the  following  headings 
for  a  speech,  "  Considerate  gentleman  —  free  from 
selfishness— good  example."  "We  should  cheer  this 
toast,  I  think,"  added  Mr.  Jorrocks,  ""speciiilly  as  I 
s'pose  the  gemman  takes  no  rent  for  his  covers." 

"  I  believe  not,"  replied  Captain  Dolef id,  upon  which 
Mr.  Jon-ocks  put  the  word  "  cheers  "  after  "  good  example." 

"Now  Coursing  should  come.  I  think,"  remarked 
Captain  Doleful.  "  and  Captain  Couples's  health.  He's 
a  gi-eat  man  at  the  Deptf  ord  meeting,  and  thinks  coursing 
tlie  only  sport  worth  living  for." 

"  He  must  l>e  a  werry  big  blockhead,  then."  replied  Mr. 
JoiTocks.  laying  dovni  his  pen,  and  stretcliing  out  his 
legs  as  tliougli  he  were  going  to  take  "the  rest."  "A 
wen-y  remarkable  jackass,  indeed,  I  should  say.  Now  of 
all  slow,  8tai-\'ation,  great-coat,  comforter,  worsted- 
stockin',  dirty-nose  sort  of  amusement,  that  same 
melancholy  coursin'  is  to  me  tlie  most  miserably  con- 
temptilile.     It's  a  satire  on  racin'." 

"  Never  mind."  said  Cajjtain  Doleful,^  "  Couples's 
guineas  will  l>e  as  good  as  any  otlier  man's;  and.  as  I 
said  l>efore.  a  chairman  is  not  expected  to  swear  to  ail  he 
says— your  Inisiness  is  to  endeavour  to  jdease  every  one, 
so  that  they  may  go  hf)nif>  and  tell  their  wives  and 
d.'iuglitfTH  what  a  jolly,  di-lighlful.  at-all-iii-the-ring  sort 
of  gentleman  Mr.  .Jorrocks  is." 

"  Aye,  tliafs  all  worry  gocjd,"  grunted  our  master,  "Init 
conscience  is  cons(;iencn  artfr  all.  and  coiirHin'  isconrsin'. 
It's  as  bad  as  drinkin'  the  'Andley  Cross  waters  to  have 
to  praise  what  one  doesn't  like.  I'll  give  the  Men-y 
'AiTiers  afore  Coursin'.  howsouKivor,"  said  Mr.  .forrocks. 
jnitting  down  thf?  words  "  h.arc-'nnrmg  "  ;  "will  there  be 
any  currant-jelly  lK>y  to  return  tlianks  ?  -  I'm  sure  tiiere 


286  HA.NDLEY   CROSS 

will,  indeed,  for  I  never  knew  a  mixed  party  yet  without 
a  master  of  mnpfgers  among  them." 

To  this  toast  Mr.  Jorrocks  added  the  words — "  nose — 
fine  mnsic— pleasant — soup."  "Now,"  said  he,  "we've 
got  the  Queen  and  the  Staggers — Prince  Halbert— 
Prince  of  Whales— Strider  and  the  Turf — Fox-'unting — 
Yarnley  and  Proprietors  of  Covers — the  Merry  Arriers." 

"  Put  '  Coursing '  next,  then,"  said  Doleful ;  "  it  will 
follow  hare-hunting  very  well,  and  be  all  in  the  soixp  line." 

"  Well,  if  you  must  have  it,  you  must,"  replied  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  wanting  down  the  word  "  coursin'. '  "  Who 
acknowledges  the  toast  ?— ah.  Couples — Caj)taln,  I  think 
you  said  he  is  ?  Captain  Couples — a  weiTy  good  man  too 
— blow  me  tight,  though,  if  I  knows  what  to  say  in  givin' 
on  it." 

"  Oh,  say  it's  classical,  and  a  fine  bracing  amusement." 
Mr.  Jorrocks  added  the  words  "  fine  amusement." 

"  Well,  that's  eight  bumpers  fi-om  the  chair,"  observed 
Captain  Doleful ;  "  and  now  we'll  let  yoxi  take  your  breath 
a  little — unless  Mr.  Snapper  comes,  when  you  must  give 
pigeon-shooting  and  the  triggers  generally.  I'll  now 
toast  the  Chair." 

"  The  Chair,"  wi-ote  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  that's  me.  Cheers, 
in  course." 

"  In  course,"  replied  Captain  Doleful,  adding,  "  I  shall 
butter  you  uncommon." 

"With  all  my  'eai-t — I  can  stand  a  wast  of  praise," 
replied  Mr.  JoiTocks. 

"  Well,  then,  after  that,  and  after  yom*  speech,  which, 
of  course,  will  he  highly  complimentaiy  to  the  company, 
and  full  of  promises  of  what  you  will  do,  you  must 
propose  my  health — as  Master  of  the  Ceremonies  of 
Handley  Cross  Spa." 

"  And  as  a  great  spoi-tsman !  "  added  Mr.  JoiTOcks. 

"  No,  no.  I'd  ratlier  not,"  exclaimed  Doleful  in  alanu; 
"  the  fact  is,  I  only  hunt  on  the  sly.  If  the  dowagers 
thoxight  I  did  not  devote  my  whole  time  and  energies  to 
the  town  amusements,  they  would  gramble,  and  say  I 
was  always  out  hunting  instead  of  attending  to  the 
important  duties  of  my  post.  No;  just  confine  your- 
self to  the  M.C.  department,  not  forgetting  to  insinuate 
that  it  is  my  ball-night,  and  to  express  a  hope  that  all 
the  company  will  honour  it  with  their  presence ;  you 
might  say  something,  apparently  half -facetiously,  in  the 
way  of  a  hint  about  giving  guineas  for  their  tickets ; 
for  some  people  are  getting  into  the  dirty  trick  of 
paying  at  the  door." 


COOKING   UP   A  HUNT   DINNER  287 

"WeiTy  frood,"  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks.  ■wi-iting  down 
"  Capt.  Doleful,  M.C.,  not  sportsman— pleasant  feller- 
nice  ball — pumps  in  pocket— tickets  at  bar — guinea." 
"  Toti'll  be  '  cheer'd,'  I  s'pose  ?  " 

"  Of  course,"  said  the  captain — "  all  the  honours— one 
cheer  more  if  you  can  get  it.'' 

Cricketing,  quoit -playing,  shooting,  badger-baiting, 
steeple-chasing,  hurdle-racing,  crow-shooting,  and  divers 
other  spoi-ting,  extraordinary,  and  extravagant  toasts 
were  then  added ;  some  to  fit  people  that  were  known  to 
be  coming,  others  put  down  to  take  the  chance  of  any 
amateur  of  the  amusement  presenting  himself  imex- 
pectedly  at  the  table. 

"  Weii-y  well  now,''  said  Mr.  JoiTocks  at  last,  dotting 
up  the  column  of  toasts  with  his  pen,  "  that's  two.  four, 
six,  seven,  eight,  ten.  twelve,  fourteen,  sixteen.  Sixteen 
Ijumper  toasts,  with  speeches  both  goin'  and  retm-nin', 
to  say  nothin'  o'  shoutin'.  wliich  always  tells  on  weak 
'eads.    Wot  shall  we  say  next  ?  " 

"  Oh ! "  said  Captain  Doleful,  in  an  indiif erent  sort  of 
way,  as  much  as  to  say  the  important  business  of  the 
evening  would  l>e  finished  on  drinking  his  health ;  "  why, 
just  pass  the  bottle  a  few  times,  or  if  you  see  a  gentle- 
man with  a  singing  face,  call  on  him  for  a  song ;  or 
address  your  neighbour  right  or  left,  and  say  you'll 
trouble  him  to  give  a  gentleman  and  his  hoimds.'' 

"  A  gen'leman  and  his  'ounds,"  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks, 
"  but  they'll  have  had  a  gen'leman  and  his  'ounds  when 
they've  had  me." 

"Ah,  but  that's  nothing— 'a  gentleman  and  his 
hoirnds,'  is  a  fine  serviceable  toast  at  a  hunt-dinner. 
I've  known  a  gentleman  and  his  hounds — a  gentleman 
;ind  his  hoimds — a  gentleman  and  his  hounds — sei-ve 
(tliainnan,  vice-cltairinan,  and  company,  tln-oughout  the 
live-long  evening,  without  the  sligntest  assistance  froui 
any  other  source.  Fox-luuiters  are  easily  i)leased,  if  you 
do  but  give  them  plenty  to  drink.  Let  me,  however, 
entreat  of  you,  al»ove  all  things,  to  romcml)er  my  ball, 
and  do  not  let  them  ovcrsit  the  thing  so  as  not  to  get  to 
it.  Roiiipniber,  too,  it's  a  fancy  one,  and  they'll  take 
more  flressing." 

"Aye,  aye,  I'll  vip  them  otf  to  you  when  1  think 
they've  had  enoutfh."  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks. 


CHAPTER   XXX 

SERVING   UP   A   HUNT   DINNER 

The  important  nig-lit  drew  on,  and  with  it  the  cares  and 
excitenient  of  a  double  event.  The  interests  of  all  heai-ts 
and  minds  were  centred  in  that  day.  None  looked 
beyond.  The  dinner  and  dance  fonned  the  boundai-y 
of  their  mental  horizon.  At  an  early  honr  in  the  after- 
noon numerous  mral  vehicles  came  jingrlinf?  into 
Handley  Cross,  with  the  mud  of  many  counties  on  their 
wheels.  Here  was  Squire  Joinim's,  the  chairman  of 
quarter  sessions,  green  chariot,  with  fat  Mrs.  Jorum 
and  three  fat  little  Miss  Jorums  crammed  inside,  young 
Mr.  Jorum  having  established  himself  alongside  a  very 
antediluvian-looking  coachman,  in  dark  di'ab,  with  a 
tarnished  gold  band  on  a  new  hat,  who  vainly  plied  the 
thong  and  crop  of  a  substantial  half  pig-driver,  half 
horse-breaker's  whip,  along  the  ribs  and  hind-quarters 
of  a  pair  of  very  fat,  square-tailed,  heavy,  rough-coated, 
coarse-headed,  lumbering  nags,  to  induce  them  to  trot 
becomingly  into  the  town.  Imperials,  a  cap-box,  a  maid 
in  the  rumble,  all  ensconced  in  baud-boxes,  proclaim 
their  destiny  for  that  day.  Captain  Slasher,  with  a 
hii-ed  barouche  and  foui-  black  screws,  all  jil)l)ing  and 
pulling  different  ways  — the  barouche  full  of  miscel- 
laneous foot  comets  in  plain  clothes  (full  of  creases  of 
course),  dashes  down  East  Street,  and  nearly  scatters 
his  cargo  over  the  road,  by  cutting  it  fine  between 
Squire  Joiiim's  carnage  and  the  post.  A  yellow  dennet 
passes  by,  picked  out  with  chalk,  mud,  and  black  stripes : 
two  polar  bear-looking  gentlemen,  in  enoiTuous  pea- 
jackets,  ijlentifully  be-pocketed,  with  large  wooden 
buttons,  are  smoking  cigars  and  driving  with  a  cane- 
handled  hunting-whip.  Then  a  "yellow,"  with  the 
driver  sitting  on  the  cross-bar,  whose  contents,  beyond 
a  bonnet  and  a  hat,  are  invisible,  in  consequence  of  the 
window  having  more  wood  than  glass  in  its  composition, 
works  its  way  up,  and  in  its  turn  is  siicceeded  by  another 
l)rivate  can-iage  with  a  pair  of  posters. 

Then  there  was  such  a  ringing  of  bells,  calling  of 


SEBVING  UP   A   HUNT  DINNER  289 

waiters,  cursing  of  chambermaids,  and  blasting  of  boots, 
at  the  various  hotels,  in  consequence  of  the  inability  of 
the  houses  to  swell  themselves  into  tliree  times  their 
size,  to  accommodate  the  extraordiuary  influx  of  guests. 
"  Veiy  son-y,  indeed,"  says  Mr.  Snubljins,  the  landlord  of 
the  "  Dragon,*'  twisting  a  dirty  duster  round  his  thumb, 
"  very  sorry,  indeed,  sir,"  speaking  to  a  red-faced,  big- 
whiskered  head,  thrust  out  of  a  carnage  window,  "  we 
are  fiili  to  the  attics— not  a  shake-down  or  sofa  unoccu- 
pied ;  can  get  you  a  nice  lodging  out,  if  you  like — very 
comfortable." 

"D—  your  comfortables,  you  lying  thief! — do  you 
suppose  I  can't  do  that  for  myself  ?  Well,  if  ever  you 
catch  me  coming  to  your  house  again  I  hope  I  may 
be — "  The  wish  was  lost  by  some  one  pulling  the 
ii-ate  gentleman  back  into  his  chaise,  and  after  a  short 
pai'ley  inside,  dm-ing  which  three  reasonable  single  gentle- 
men applied  to  Mr.  Snub])ins  for  the  accommodation  of 
a  room  amongst  them  to  dress  in  for  dinner,  the  boy  was 
ordered  to  drive  on,  and  make  the  grand  tour  of  the  inns. 

Weary,  most  weary  were  the  doings  at  tlie  *'  Dragon." 
Ring  a  ding,  ding  a  ding  dong,  went  the  hostler's  bell  at 
the  gate ;  "  Room  for  a  carnage  and  pair  ?  " 

"  Whose  o' it?" 

"  Mrs.  Grout's  !  " 

"  No,  cjuite  fidl ! "  The  hostler  muttering  to  himself, 
"Mrs.  Grouts  and  two  feeds — sixjjence  for  hostlei'." 
Ring  a  ding,  ding  a  ding,  ding  a  ding  dong.  Hostler 
again— '■  Coming  out!  "  "  Who  now  ?  "  "  Squire  Goose- 
ander!  four  posters,  piping  hot,  white  lather,  Jjoys  beery, 
four  on  to  HoUinshall,  bait  thcn-e.  back  to  hall— sixpence 
a  mile  for  good  driving— out  tlicy  come — there's  yoiu- 
ticket     jjay  back  and  away." 

Tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle,  tinkle,  went 
a  little  l>ell,  as  thoiigh  it  would  never  stop. 

"  Waitkr  !"  I'oared  a  voic(»  from  the  toji  of  the  house, 
that  came  like  a  crash  of  tliuinlt.-i-  aftci-  tlic  iusigiiilicant 
precursor,  "am  I  to  ring  Ihtc  all  day?  Wiifiv's  the 
bfKjts  ?  I  sent  him  t<^i-  a  bai-bc-r  an  liour  ag(\  and  hei"e 
I've  l>een  stjirving  in  my  shirt-sleeves  ever  since." 

"Now,  Jane,  Miss  Tramj)  wants  her  shoes." 

"  Where's  the  fhaTubpniinid  ?  "  exclaimed  a  gentleman, 
rushing  half  franti<t  down-Htairs ;  "  here's  a  man  g(jt  into 
my  room  and  swe;irs  he  irill  drcHs  in  it." 

'■C)li  !  I  bf;gs  pMCflon,  sir,"  n-piiccl  llii-  cliiinibciinaitl, 
trying  to  smooth  him  over,  "  we  really  aie  so  full,  sir, 
and  1  didn't  think  you'd  l>e  coming  in  so  soon,  sir." 

U 


290 


HANDLBY    CROSS 


"  Waiter !  someljody  has  changed  my  place  at  dinner ! 
I  was  next  Mr.  Walter  Dale,  and  now  they've  put  me 
below  Mr.  Barkei — between  him  and  Mr.  Alcock.  Who 
the  devil's  done  it?  " 

"  Boots !  Porter !  Boots !  run  down  to  Mr.  In^ledcw 
the  tailor's— you  know  him,  don't  you  ?  Corner  of  Hill 
Street — just  as  you  turn  off  the  esplanade ;  and  tell  him 
he's  sent  me  the  wrong  coat.  Not  half  the  size  of  my 
own — more  like  a  strait- jacket  than  anything  else.  And 
here !  desire  Mrs.  Kirton  to  send  some  ball  gloves  for 
me  to  try  on — lemon  coloui*  or  white — three-and-six- 
penny  ones." 

"  Lauk,  I've  come  away  and  left  Miss  Eliza's  stockings, 
I  do  declare ! "  exclaims  Jemima  Thirlwell,  Miss  Eliza 
Rippon's  lady's-maid,  pale  with  fear,  "  what  shalJ  I  do  ? 

Never  was  anything  so 
unlucky  just  took  them 
to  run  my  hand  through 
and  see  they  wei-e  all 
right,  and  left  them  hang- 
ing over  the  back  of  the 
chair.  Know  as  well  where 
they  are  as  possible— biit 
what's  the  use  of  that 
when  they  are  ten  miles 
off?"    _ 

"  Waiter,    what    time's 
dinner  ?  " 

"Five  o'clock,  sir,  and 

no  waiting — Mr.  Jorrocks 

swears  he'll  take  the  chair 

at  five  precisely,  whether  it's  sei-ved  or  iiot,"  adds  the 

waiter,  with  a  grin. 

Then  there  was  such  work  in  the  kitchen  —  Susan 
Straker,  the  cook,  like  all  the  sisterhood,  was  short  in 
her  temper,  and  severe  and  endless  were  the  trials  it 
underwent  in  consequence  of  the  jingling  and  tinkling 
of  the  bells  calling  away  the  chambei-maids  who  were  to 
have  assisted  her  in  the  kitchen.  Then  Mr.  JoiTOcks 
deranged  her  whole  system  by  insisting  upon  having  a 
sucking  pig  and  i-oast  goose,  that  she  intended  for  centre 
dishes,  right  under  his  nose  at  the  top  of  the  table;  added 
to  which,  the  fish  was  late  in  coming,  and  there  was  not 
half  as  much  macaroni  in  the  town  as  would  make  an 
inn  dish. 

"Now,  Jun,"  said  Mrs.  JoiTocks  to  her  loving  spouse, 
taking  a  finishing  look  of  our  hero  as  he  emei-ged  from 


SERVING  UP  A  HUNT  DINNEB  291 

his  bedroom  in  the  full  di-ess  unifoiin  of  his  hunt,  "see 
and  conduct  yoiu-self  like  a  f^en'leman  and  with  dignity, 
and,  above  all.  keep  -suber — nothing  so  wiilgar  or  ungen- 
teel  as  gettin'  intosticated.  Belinda  and  1  will  call  for 
you  at  ten  minutes  before  ten,  to  take  you  on  to  the  ball ; 
for,  in  course,  it  cam't  commence  till  we  come,  and  it 
won't  be  politeful  to  keep  people  waitin'  too  long." 

"  Jest  so,"'  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  adjusting  a  capacious 
shirt-frill  in  the  glass.  "  Binjimin,  I  say,  run  and  fatch 
the  fly." 

Mr.  Jorrocks  was  uncommonly  smai-t.  Sky-blue  coat 
lined  with  pink  satin,  finely  starched  white  waistcoat,  new 
canary-coloiu-ed  shorts,  below  which  stood  a  pair  of 
splendid  calves,  encased  in  gauze  white  silk  stockings, 
and  his  feet  appeared  in  shining  shoes  with  silver  buckles. 
At  either  knee  a  profusion  of  white  ril)and  dangled  in 
cracefid  elegance,  looking  for  all  the  world  like  wedding 
favours.  Benjamin,  notwithstanding  his  boasting  and 
taunting  to  Samuel  Strong,  knew  his  master  too  weU, 
and  the  taste  of  his  whip  also,  to  attempt  any  of  the 
exclusive  tricks  in  the  way  of  service,  he  gave  himself 
credit  for  acting;  so  settling  himself  into  his  frock-coat, 
and  drawing  on  a  pair  of  clean  white  Berlins,  sufficiently 
long  at  the  fingers  to  allow  the  ends  to  dribble  in  the 
soup-plates,  he  wiped  liis  nose  across  his  hand,  and  run- 
ning away  down  to  the  stand,  very  soon  had  a  fly  at  the 
door.  Jorrocks  stepped  in,  and  Benjaiuin  mounted 
behind  with  all  the  dignity  of  a  seven-foot  figure  foot- 
man.    Away  they  dash  to  the  "  Dragon." 

Notwithstanding  the  descent  of  a  di-izzling  rain,  and 
tlie  "  inclement  season  of  the  year,"  as  newspapers  phrase 
it,  there  was  a  crowd  of  servants,  post-boys,  Ijeggars,  and 
loiterers  lianging  about  the  arched  gateway  of  the 
"  Dragon  "  to  get  a  sight  of  our  renowned  hero  alighting 
from  his  fly ;  and  great  was  the  rushing  and  jostling  to 
the  door  as  it  di-ew  uji.  Mr.  Snul)bins,  the  landlord,  a 
choleric,  round-faced  little  man,  with  a  snul)  nose  and  a 
pimple  on  the  eml  of  it,  had  put  himself  into  a  white 
waistcoat,  with  his  best  Itlue  coat  and  l^lack  kerseymere 
shorts,  to  officiate  behind  Mr.  Jorrocks's  chair,  and 
hearing  our  master's  name  l>andied  about  on  his  aiTival, 
met  him  at  tlie  foot  oi  the  stairs  with  all  heeoining 
njspect,  and  proceeded  to  conduct  him  into  the  waiting- 
room.  There  was  a  strongish  muster;  but  two  melancholy 
mould-candles,  in  kitch(;n  candlesticks,  placed  on  the 
centre  of  a  large  tahlr;,  slied  sucli  a  disiual  ray  about  the 
room,  that  little  was  distinguishable,  save  a  considerable 


292  HANDLEY  CROSS 

mass  of  white,  and  an  equally  large  proportion  of  a  darker 
colour.  Some  thirty  or  forty  members  of  the  Hunt, 
strangers  and  others,  wei'e  clustered  ahout,  and  there 
was  a  dull,  funeral  sort  of  hum  of  conversation,  inter- 
nipted  every  now  and  then  by  the  recognition  of  friends, 
and  the  entrance  of  another  an-ival  into  the  dingy 
apartment.  Then  there  was  the  usual  hiding  of  hats 
and  cloaks— the  secretion  of  iimbrellas,  goloshes,  and 
sticks,  and  the  expression  of  hopes  that  they  might  be 
forthcoming  when  wanted. 

Meanwhile  the  savoury  smell  of  dinner  fighting  its  way 
up  the  crowded  staircase,  in  the  custody  of  divers  very 
long-coated  post-boys  turned  waiters,  and  a  most 
heterogeneous  lot  of  private  servants,  some  in  top-boots, 
some  in  gaiters,  some  few  in  white  cotton  stockings,  and 
the  most  out-of-the-way  fitting  liveries,  entered  the 
waiting-room,  and  the  company  l^egan  to  i^repare  for  the 
msh.  All  things,  soup,  fish,  joints,  vegetables,  poultry, 
pastry,  and  game,  being  at  length  adjusted,  and  the 
covers  taken  off  to  allow  them  to  cool,  Mr.  Snubbins 
bon-owed  a  candle  from  the  low  end  of  the  table,  and 
foi-thwith  proceeded  to  inform  Mr.  JoiTOcks  that  dinner 
was  served. 

Great  was  the  rush  !  The  woi-thy  citizen  was  carried 
out  of  the  waiting-room  across  the  landing,  and  half-way 
up  the  dining-room,  before  he  could  recover  his  legs,  and 
he  scrambled  to  his  seat  at  the  head  of  the  table,  amidst 
loud  cries  of  "  Sir,  this  is  my  seat !  Waiter,  take  this 
person  out."— "  Who  are  you  ?"—"  You're  another!"— 
"  Mind  yom-  eye  ! "— "  I  will  be  here ! "— "  I  say  you  won't 
though !  "— "  That's  my  bread  !  " 

Parties  at  length  get  wedged  in.  The  clamour 
gradually  subsides  into  an  universal  clatter  of  plates, 
knives,  and  forks,  occasionally  diversified  by  the  exclama- 
tion of  "  Waiter !  "  or,  "  Sir,  I'll  be  happy  to  take  wine 
with  you."  Hannony  gradually  returns,  as  the  dinner 
progi-esses,  and  ere  the  chopped  cheese  makes  its  appear- 
ance, the  whole  party  is  in  excellent  hmnour.  Grace 
follows  cheese,  and  the  "  feast  of  reason  "  being  over,  the 
table  is  cleared  for  the  "  flow  of  soul." 

A  long  web  of  green  baize,  occasionally  inteiTupted  by 
the  inecpialities  of  the  various  tables,  succeeds,  and  clean 
glasses  with  i-eplenished  decanters  and  biscuit  plates, 
for  they  do  not  spoi-t  dessert,  are  scattered  at  intervals 
along  the  surface.  The  last  waiter  at  length  takes  his 
deijai-ture  and  eyes  begin  to  turn  towards  the  chair. 

"  Mr.  Wice!"  roars  Mr.  Jorrocks,  rising  and  hitting  the 


SERVING   UP   A  HUNT  DINNER  293 

table  with  an  auctioneer's  hammer,  "  Mr.  Wice-President, 
I  say !  ■'  he  repeats,  in  a  louder  and  more  authoritative 
tone,  amid  cries  of  "Chair!  chair!  order!  order! 
silence  !  silence !  "  "I  rises,"  says  he,  looking?  especially 
impoi-tant,  "  to  propose  a  toast,  a  b\imper  toast  in  fact, 
that  I  feels  confident  you  will  all  di-ink  with  werry  'eai-ty 
satisfaction— it  is  the  health  of  our  young,  wii-tuous,  and 
amiable  Queen  (applause),  a  weiTy  proper  toast  to  give 
at  a  great  spoi-tin'  dinner  like  this,  seein'  as  how  she  is  a 
wenynice  little  'ooman,  and  keeps  a  pack  of  stag-'ounds. 
Gentlemen,  I  need  not  tell  you  that  stag-'unting  is  a 
sport  of  great  hantiquity,  as  the  curiosity  shopkeepers 
say;  but  they  couldn't  do  it  in  nothin'  like  the  style  in 
foi-mer  days  that  they  do  now,  so  in  that  respects  we 
have  the  Ijetter  of  the  old  hancients.  Who  hasn't  seen 
Fi-ank  Grant's  grand  pictor  of  the  meet  of  the  stag- 
'ounds  on  Hascot  'Eath  ?  That  will  tell  you  how  it  is 
done  now — French  polish,  blue  satin  ties,  such  as  Esau 
never  could  sport.  That's  a  pictor,  my  bouys,  and  when 
I've  'unted  your  country  to  the  satisfaction  of  you  all, 
as  I've  no  manner  of  doulit  at  all  that  I  shall,  then  you 
subscribe  and  get  Frank  to  paint  me  and  my  'ounds. 
And  now  for  the  toast,"  added  Mr.  JoiTocks,  raising  a 
l>rimming  bumper  high  in  hand :  "  The  Queen  and  her 
Stag-'ounds !  "  Drank  with  a  full  and  heavy  round  of 
ai)i)lause.  After  resuming  his  seat  for  a  few  seconds, 
during  which  time  he  conned  the  next  toast  in  his  mind, 
Mr.  JoiTocks  rose  and  called  for  another  b\impcr,  just  as 
Captain  Doleful  was  rising  to  rctuni  thanks  on  behalf 
of  her  Majesty. 

"Mr.  Wicel"  he  roared  out,  "I  rise  to  yn-opose  another 
bum])er  toast,  as  big  n  bumper  as  the  last  in  fact,  and  one 
that  I  feel  conwinced  you  will  all  be  most  'iipi)y  to  drink. 
We  have  just  liad  the  honour  of  drinking  tiie  health  of 
the  Queen ;  there  i.s  one  near  and  dear  to  her  Majesty, 
wlio,  T  feels  asHured,  you  will  not  be  the  jess  delighted  to 
honour  (jipplauKc).  I  n<;cd  not  s;iy  that  I  iilbulfs  lo  the 
great  ])atron  <>'  the  Woods  :md  Forests,  I'rincc;  iliillMM-t, 
the  l>est-lookiTi'  nuin  i'  the  country."  (Diiiiik  with 
immense  applause  -  one  cheer  more    Huzza n  !) 

Mr.  .7on-f>cks  lieiiig  nn  exi)ert  chainnau,  from  freriuent 
pnictice  ;it  "  rree-iinil-ciiKys,"  went  on  preUy  l>riskly  at 
starting,  and  the  (•omp;iny  liiid  liiirdly  dniined  their 
glasHCH,  an<l  got  settii'd  utter  cheeiing.  before  liis 
lianmier  was  at  work  again,  :ind  ho  called  for  inu^tlier 
buniivr  toast. 

Having  given  "Tlic  I'rincc  of  Whales,"  as  ho  called 


294  HANDLISY  CROSS 

him.  and  '_'  the  rest  of  the  Royal  Family,"  "  Gentlemen," 
said  lie,  risinfr,  fflass  in  liand,  "  I  have  now  to  propose  to 
your  favourable  consideration  an  important  branch  o' 
British  diwersion,  and  one  for  which  this  country  long 
has,  and  ever  will  stand  most  howdaciously  conspicuous 
(cheers).  I  allude  to  the  noble  sport  of  racin' "  ("  Hear, 
hear,  hear,"  from  Mr.  Strider,  and  a  slight  jingling  of 
glasses  from  friends  in  his  neighbourhood).  "  Gentle- 
men, racin' is  a  sport  of  great  hantiquity,  so  old,  in  fact, 
that  I  caiTi't  go  back  to  the  time  when  it  commenced. 
It  is  owin^  to  racin'  and  the  turf  that  we  now  possess 
our  superior  breed  of  'osses,  who  not  only  amuse  tlie 
poor  people  wot  carn't  afford  to  hunt,  by  their  iiinnin', 
but  so  improve  our  breed  of  cavab-y,  as  enables  us  to 
lick  the  world  (cheers).  I  am  sure,  gentlemen,  you  will 
all  agree  that  racin'  is  one  of  the  noblest  and  most 
delightful  spoi-ts  goin',  and  honoured  as  we  are,  this 
evenin',  l^y  the  presence  of  one  of  the  brightest  horna- 
nients  o'_  the  British  turf  "  (Mr.  JoiTocks  looking  most 
insinuatingly  down  the  table  at  Strider,  as  much  as  to 
say,  "  That  will  do  you,  my  boy "),  "  I  feels  assured  I 
need  only  couple  with  the  turf  the  popular  name  of 
Strider  (loud  cheers),  to  insure  a  burst  of  hearty  and 
enthusiastic  applause."  Jorrocks  was  right  in  his  sur- 
mise, for  no  sooner  was  the  name  pronoimced,  than 
there  was  such  a  thiunping  of  the  baize-covered  tables, 
such  a  kicking  of  the  floor,  and  such  a  shouting  and 
clapping  of  hands,  that  the  concluding  words  of  his 
speech  were  audible  only  to  the  reporfer,  who  was 
accommodated  with  a  small  round  ta])le  and  a  large 
bottle  of  port  immediately  behind  the  chair. 

Strider  was  rightly  named  Strider,  for  he  was  an  im- 
mensely tall,  telescopic  kind  of  man,  so  tall  that  he 
might  pass  for  the  author  of  Longfellow's  poems,  who 
now  di-ew  himself  out  from  under  the  table  as  though  he 
was  never  going  to  end.  He  had  a  frightful  squint,  so 
that  when  meant  to  look  at  the  chair,  one  eye  appeared 
settled  half-way  down  the  table,  and  the  other  seemed 
to  rest  upon  the  ceiling.  He  was  di-essed  in  a  round, 
racing,  cut-away  coat  with  basket  Ijuttons,  drab  trousers, 
and  a  buff  waistcoat,  with  a  striped  neck-cloth.  He  had 
made  money  by  racing — if  honestly,  he  was  a  much 
belied  man — but  as  he  spent  it  freely,  and  not  one  man 
in  a  hundred  cares  to  ask  how  it  comes,  Strider  was 
popular  in  his  neighbourhood. 

"  He_  felt  deejily  sensible  of  the  honour  thiit  had  been 
done  him  by  their  distinguished  chairman  and  that  great 


SKKVING  UP   A   HUNT   DINNER  295 

meeting,  not  only  by  the  manner  in  wliich  his  health 
had  been  proposed,  but  for  the  handsome  compliment 
that  had  been  j^aid  to  the  great  national  and  all-enjoy- 
able sport  of  racing,  which  he  felt  assured  required  no 
recommendation  from  him,  as  no  one  could  partake  of 
it  once  without  being  fully  convinced  of  its  infinite 
superiority  and  worth.  He  was  happy  to  see  that  his 
humble  exertions  in  the  great  and  good  cause  had  not 
been  altogether  thrown  away,  for,  in  the  list  of  races  for 
next  year,  he  saw  many  names  that  had  never  been  put 
down  before,  and  having  now  got  a  master  of  hounds 
whose  name  was  closely  associated  wdth  everything  that 
was  sporting  and  popular,  he  made  no  doubt  things 
would  proceed  in  a  true  railway  style  of  progression, 
and  the  name  of  JoiTOcks  would  be  followed  by  every 
well-wisher  to  that  noble  animal,  the  horse.  The  list  of 
Hashem  races  for  the  next  year  he  would  take  the 
liberty  of  handing  up  to  the  chair,"  producing,  as  he 
spoke,  a  long,  half-j^rinted,  half-manuscript  sheet  from 
his  coat-pocket,  "  and,  in  conclusion,  he  had  only  to 
rejjeat  his  most  gi-ateful  thanks  for  the  very  distin- 
guished honour  they  had  confen-ed  upon  him." 

Thereupon  three-quarters  of  the  orator  disappeared 
under  the  table — the  list  ijassed  qiiickly  up,  for  no  one 
ventured  to  look  at  it,  lest  a  subscription  should  be 
infeiTcd,  and  on  its  reacliing  the  president,  lie  very 
coolly  folded  it  up  and  put  it  in  his  i^ocket.  Mr.  Strider 
looked  all  ways  except  straight  at  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who 
very  complacently  proceeded  with  his  list  of  toasts. 
"  Gontloinen,"  cried  he,  getting  up  again,  "  Mr.  Wice- 
ProKidfut  and  gentlemen ! ''  he  exclaimed  ;  "  tlic;  next 
toast  is  one  that  I  feels  assured  you  will  drink  with 
weiTy  grout  satisfaction,  and  in  a  full  buiuixM',  with  all 
the  honours — it  is  the  health  of  a  gentleman  now])resent, 
who,  though  no  fox-'untor  himself  -the  mores  the  ])ity 
—  is  nevortheloHH  a  roal  friend  to  the  sj)()rt,  ami  not  one 
of  your  selfish  wannints  wo(,  dcslroyK  foxes  Ih'cjuikc!  he 
does  not  ca.i-e  about  Talli-lioing  himself,  but,  with  most 
tninipisli  cousidenition,  dr»e8  his  best  to  promote  the 
sport  of  his  friends  and  neighbours,  thoreiiy  settin'  an 
example  worthy  of  imitation  by  all,  both  great  and 
Bniall  (cheerH).  When  I  say  it's  the  lu'altli  of  a  gentle- 
man wot  gives  a  l>race  of  covers,  free  gratis,  all  for 
uotliin',  to  onr    unt.  your  percus.Hion   iuiaginations  will 


readily  supply  the  name  of  Yarnley  (loudai)i)lause) ;  and 
I  ])ropose  we  drink  in  a  full  huniper  the  liealtli  of  Mr. 
lamley,  and   pro]»rietors  of  covers,  and  ]»romoterH  of 


296  HANDliKY  CROSS 

fox-'imtin^'."  This  toast  was  dnink  -witli  very  preat 
njipJause,  aud  some  seconds  elapsed  before  silence  was 
restored.     Mr.  Yarnley  then  rose. 

He,  too.  was  a  tallish  man,  but  coming  after  Strider 
he  looked  less  than  he  really  was,  added  to  which,  a  frock 
coat  (sky  bine,  with  jnnk  lining)  rather  detracted  from 
his  heij?ht;  his  face  was  long  and  red,  his  nose  very 
short  and  thick,  and  his  hair  very  straight.  "  Mr.  Presi- 
dent and  gentlemen!"  said  he,  very  slowly,  fixing  his 
eyes  steadily  on  a  biscuit-plate  before  him,  "  for  the 
honour  you  have  done  me — hem— in  drinking  my  health 
— hem — I  heg — hem — to  retiu-n  you — hem — my  most 
sincere  thanks — hem — and,  gentlemen,  I  can  only  say — 
hem — that  I  have  always  been  a  friend — liem — to  fox- 
'unting — hem  (cheers) — and  I  always  shall  be  a  friend  to 
fox-'unting,  gentlemen  (cheers) — which  I  am  sui-e  is  a 
most  agreeable  sport  (cheers) — hem,  hem — and,  gentle- 
men, I  hope  jon  will  always  find  foxes  in  my  covers — 
hem  (applause) — for  I  can  only  say,  gentlemen,  that  I 
do  preserve  foxes,  gentlemen — hem  (renewed  applause) — 
and  I  always  have  preserved  foxes,  gentlemen — hem, 
hem — "  when  Tai-nley,  seeming  about  brought  up,  the 
company  cheered,  and  drinking  off  his  heel-taps,  he 
concluded  Avith  saying,  "and,  gentlemen,  I  always  will 
preserve  foxes ! " 

"  Mr.  Wice-President,"  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  above  the 
clamour  that  now  began  to  prevail,  as  tongues  became 
loosened  with  the  juice  of  the  grape,  "Mr.  Wice-Presi- 
dent, having  drank  the  first  of  all  sports,  let  us  not  forget 
another  werry  pleasant  branch  of  'unting  that  many 
delight  in  who  cannot  partake  of  the  other,  and  which 
is  useful  as  well  as  i^leasant — I  mean  'are-'unting ;  it  is 
a  wen-y  nice,  lady-like  amusement ;  and  though  we  have 
had  no  'are-soui:)  at  dinner,  I  makes  no  doubt  we  have  some 
weiTy  keen  'are-'unters  at  talile  for  aU  that.  I  begs  to 
give  ypu  '  'Are-'unting  and  the  men-y  Dotfield  'Ai-riers.' " 

While  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  delivering  himself  of  this 
eloquence,  an  evident  imeasiness  prevailed  among  divers 
fat,  i-uddy-faced  members  of  the  Dotfield  Hunt,  chiefly 
dressed  in  single-ljreasted  green  coats  with  bright 
buttons,  and  dral)  ])i'ceches,  with  woollen  stockings,  who 
were  scattei-ed  among  the  company,  as  to  who  should 
acknowledge  the  honour  that  was  done  their  calling, 
and  gradiially  they  turned  to  a  sportsman  near  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  one  of  the  many  masters  who,  bolder  than  the 
i-est,  returned  thanks  in  a  dribbling,  cold-hunting  sort 
of  speech,  while  some  dozen  stood  up  to  signify  their 


SERVING  UP   A   HUNT  DINNER  297 

approbation  of  the  sentiments  of  the  speaker,  and  their 
sense  of  the  honour  that  had  been  individually  done  them. 

Coursing  followed  hare-hunting,  according  to  previous 
aiTangement,  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  described  as  a  fine 
useful  sjjort,  and  expatiated  largely  on  tlie  merits  of 
'"are-soup"  and  "jugged  'are." 

Captain  Couples  briefly  acknowledged  the  honour. 

Doleful  now  began  twisting  his  face  into  a  variety  of 
contortions  as  the  time  approached  for  him  to  let  off 
his  cut-and-dried  speech.  He  had  it  in  notes  under  his 
biscuit-plate,  at  least  all  the  long  words  he  was  likely  to 
forget,  and  now  was  the  time  for  pouring  them  upon  the 
company.  "  Gentlemen ! "  said  he,  in  a  shrill,  penny- 
tiiimpet  sort  of  voice,  hitting  the  table  -with  his  knuckles; 
"  Gentlemen ! "  he  repeated,  without  di-awing  the  atten- 
tion of  the  company  to  his  ujn-iglit  ])Osition. 

"  Silence  ! "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  like  Jupiter  liimself, 
and  the  noise  was  c[uelled  on  the  instant. 

"  Gentlemen ! "  shrieked  Captain  Doleful,  for  the  third 
time,  "  often  as  it  has  fallen  to  my  lot  to  address  meetings 
of  my  friends  and  fellow  citizens,  never,  no,  never  did  I 
rise  with  feelings  of  such  unmitigated  embairassment 
and  trepidation  as  I  do  upon  the  present  occasion,  for  I 
rise  to  take  upon  myself  the  high  and  important  honour 
of  offering  to  one  of  the  most  distinguished  and  en- 
lightened assemblies  human  being  ever  adfb-essed  (loud 
cheers)  a  toast  that  no  tongue  can  do  justice  in  propos- 
ing, for  it  is  the  healtli  of  a  man  whose  worth  is  superior 
to  any  fonn  of  words  the  English  language  is  capable  of 
supplying"  (immense  cheers).  '"Ookey  Valker,"  said 
Mr.  JoiTocks  in  an  under-tone.  "  Gentlemen,"  continued 
Captain  Df)lef  ul,  "  deeply  conscious  as  I  iun  of  my  own 
unworthinoHH  and  incapacity,  I  would  infinitely  prefer 
comprising  the  toast  in  tlie  magic  name  of  the  gentle- 
man whoso  health  it  is,  were  it  not  for  the  honourable 
and  important  office  of  miistffr  oi  the  ceremonic^s  of  this 
unrivalled  town,  which  renders  it  imperative  ui)on  me  to 
attempt,  however  feelily  and  di-fectively,  a  slight  jtor- 
traiture  of  his  unrivalled  and  swrjiaKsing  wrn-tli  (cIicoi-h). 
Gentlfjiicn.  wlietlier  I   regard   our  great  master  iji  liig 

fjrivatf;  relation  as  a  fi'ir-nd  an<l  delighft'id  companion,  or 
ook  at  him  in  that  resjilendent  cynosure  formed  l>y  the 
mfiHtenshi])  of  (lie  Handley  (h-oss  Fox-hounds.  T  know 
not  in  wliicli  cliaiaeter  1  feoj  the  greatest  dilliciilly  and 
barrenness  of  exjireHsion  tlu'  greatest  |)aiicily  of  woi'd,;. 
of  HiiiiiJe,  (}f  (itting  eonii)arison  (loud  cheers).  Tn  the 
one,  f»nr  estimable  chairman   is  all  mildness,  like  the 


298  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Messed  oveiiinf?-star ;  and  in  the  other,  all  energy  and 
darinfr.  like  the  lion  lord  of  the  forest,  rampant  for  his 
prey  ! "  (Renewed  cheers.)  "  'Ookey  Valker,'  again  said 
Mr.  Jorrocks.  blowing  his  nose.  "  Unbounded  in  his 
liberality — nnbonnded  in  his  hospitality — unbounded  in 
Ills  urbanity,  his  private  character  is  equalled  only  by 
his  public  one  (loud  cheers).  They  are  like  rival  moons ! 
— opposition  suns !  (Immense  cheers.)  But,  gentlemen, 
what  boots  it  for  an  humble  individual  like  myself  to 
occupy  your  valuable  time  (cries  of  "  Go  on,"  "  Gro  on  ") 
in  attempting  to  do  justice  to  a  subject  that,  as  I  have 
already  said,  is  beyond  the  reach  of  praise, — above  the 
powers  of  words  to  accomplish;  let  me  rather  resume 
the  place  I  huml>ly  occupy  at  this  festive  board — I'esume 
it  at  least  until  my  impoi'tant  avocations  call  me,  and 
!lou,  I  hope  I  may  add,"  grinning  like  a  death's  head 
upon  the  company,  "to  another  and  equally  enchanting 
scene ;  but  before  I  sit  down,  let  me  utter  the  magic 
words,  '  Health  and  long  life  to  John  JoiTocks ! ' " 

The  latter  words  were  delivered  in  something  between 
a  screech  and  a  yell,  but  fortunately  the  unearthly  soimd 
was  immediately  quelled  Ijy  tlie  instantaneous  rising  of 
the  company,  who,  in  the  most  uproarious  manner — 
some  standing  on  their  chairs,  others  with  one  leg  on  a 
chair  and  another  on  the  table — roared  foi-th  the  most 
deafening  discharge  of  applause  that  ever  was  dischai'ged 
in  the  "  Dragon,"  while  Mr.  JoiTocks  sat  wondering  how 
long  it  would  last.  After  a  lapse  of  some  minutes,  order 
began  to  be  restored,  the  company  gradually  got  shuffled 
into  their  seats,  and,  filling  himself  a  brimming  bumper 
of  poi't,  Mr.  Joi'rocks  at  length  rose  to  return  thanks. 

"  Well,  now,  dash  my  vig,"  said  he,  sticking  his  thumbs 
into  the  arinlioles  of  his  waistcoat,  "but  frind  Miser- 
rimus  has  buttered  me  uncommon  (laughter  and  cheers). 
Never  was  so  reg'larly  soaped  i'  my  life  (renewed 
laughter).  A  werry  little  more  might  have  made  one 
doubt  his  sincerity.  I'm  the  man  for  all  sorts  of  larks, 
and  no  mistake — one  that  goes  the  extreme  animal — the 
entire  pig — without  a  doubt.  'Untin'  is  the  foremost 
passion  of  my  'eart  !  compared  with  it  all  others  are  flat 
and  unprofitable  (cheers  and  laughter).  It's  not  never 
of  no  manner  of  use  'umbuggin'  about  the  matter,  but 
there's  no  sport  fit  to  hold  a  candle  to  fox-'untin'  (cheei's 
from  the  blue-coated  pai-ty).  Talk  of  stag-'untin' ! 
might  as  well  'unt  a  hass  !— see  a  great  loUoppin'  beggar 
blobbin'  about  the  market-gardens  near  London,  with 
a  pack  of  'ounds  at  its  'eels,  and  call  that  diwersion ! 


SEKVING  UP   A  HUNT  DINNER  299 

My  vi^,  wot  a  go !  (laughter).  Puss-'untin'  is  wen-y  well 
for  cripples,  and  those  that  keep  donkeys  (renewed 
cheers  fi-oni  the  bhies,  vdih.  anarry  looks  from  the  green- 
coated  gently).  Blow  me  tight !  but  I  never  sees  a  chap 
a  trudgifi'  along  the  tiu-npike.  with  a  thick  stick  in  his 
'and,  and  a  jiipe  in  his  mouth,  but  I  says  to  myself,  there 
goes  a  man  well  mounted  for  "arriers!  (immense  lavighter 
and  uproar  continuing  for  some  minutes,  in  the  midst 
of  which  many  of  the  gi-een  party  left  the  room).  I 
wouldn't  be  a  master  of  muggers  for  no  manner  of 
money !  (Renewed  laughter.)  Coiu-sin'  should  be  made 
felony !  Of  all  daft  devils  under  the  sun,  a  grey'ound's 
the  daftest!  (Renewed  uproar,  mingled  with  applause. — 
Captain  Couples  looked  unutterable  things.)  Racing  is 
only  for  rogues  !  (Strider  squinted  frightfully.)  I  never 
goes  into  Tat.'s  on  a  bettin'-day,  but  I  says  to  myself  as 
I  looks  at  the  crowd  Ijy  the  subscription-room  door, 
'  There's  a  nice  lot  o'  petty-larceny  lads  !  I'd  rayther  he 
a  black-faced  chimley  sweep  nor  a  white-faced  l>hick- 
leg ! "    (Hisses  and  applause.) 

Strider  now  drew  himself  from  under  the  table,  and 
shaking  a  fist  towards  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  while  his  eyes 
looked  across,  and  do^vn,  and  round  the  room,  every- 
where but  at  the  chairman,  he  stalked  olt",  followed  by 
Couples,  and  Couples's  son,  and  a  gentleman  for  whom 
Couples  had  paid,  and  brought  in  the  chaise,  amid 
ironical  cheers  from  the  blues,  who  encouraged  Mr. 
JoiTocks  by  the  most  vociferous  applause.  "  Believe 
me,  my  beloved  bouys,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pei'- 
fectly  unconscious  of  the  movement  or  the  mischief  he 
was  doing,  '"  that  'untin',  'untin',  'vmtin'  is  the  sport ! 
Oh,"  said  he,  with  ii])tunied  eyes,  "vot  a  martyr  I  am 
to  the  chase!  It  makes  me  perfectly  mad, — I  dreams 
about  it  night  aftor  night,  and  every  night.  Sometimes 
I'm  tormented  with  foxes;  I  fancy  I  sees  them  grinnin' 
at  me  from  all  |)arts  of  the  b(Ml-(nirtain8,  and  evim  sittin' 
uj)on  the  coinii/TiJane;  then  I  kicks  them  f)ff,  and  away 
we  all  go  to  tlie  tune  of  'eads  up  and  sterns  down. 
Presently  I  sees  Binjimin  a  ridin'  on  a  whirlwind,  and 
directin'  the  chase;  next  iiiinutc  I  fancies  myself  on  a 
I)Uini»ed-out  'ohs,  a  'eavin'  and  soliliin'  i'  the  heavy,  not 
a  soul  with  the  'ounds,  who  are  going  away  with 
a  fresli  fox,  jnst  as  I  sees  tlie  'unt<'d  r)n('  di-ad  heat,  a 
crawlin'  down  an  'edge-row;  I  outs  with  my  'oni,  and, 
blow  me  tight,  I  cam't  sound  it!  At  another  time,  a 
butcher's  I'ouy,  witliout  an  'at,  comes  toarin'  on  a  run- 
away tit,  rigiit  among  the  'ounds,  who  had  thrown  up  in 


300  HANDLE Y   CROSS 

a  laiio.  and  the  cvashin'  and  yellin'  is  hawfiil.  Ajjain,  I 
dreams,  tliat  jest  as  tlie  darliu's  are  ninnin'  into  the 
warmint,  all  savage  and  l^ristlin'  for  blood,  a  flock  of 
sheep  ci-oss  their  line,  when  every  'ound  seizes  his 
mntton ;  and  then  I  sees  a  man  with  a  long  bill  in  his 
'and,  Avith  a  kuvyer  in  the  distance,  makin'  towards  me, 
and  then  I  avakes. 

"  Oh,  gentlemen  !  gentlemen !  none  bnt  an  'imtsman 
knows  an  'nntsman's  cares!  But  come,  never  mind; 
care  killed  the  cat!  shan't  kill  me — vot's  the  toast?" 
said  he,  stooi^ing,  and  looking  at  his  list;  "Ah!  I  sees," 
reading  to  himself  in  a  pretty  loud  voice,  "Doleful,  M.C. 
— great  sportsman — pleasant  feller.  Gen'lemen ! "  roared 
he,  resuming  an  erect  position,  "  gen'lemen!  pray  charge 
your  glasses — bumper-toast — no  'eel-taps,  no  sky-lights, 
but  reg'lar  dovimright  brimmin'  bumpers  to  the  'ealth  of 
a  man  wot  shall  be  himmortal !  Oh,  gen'lemen,  if  ever 
it  was  hutterly  unpossible  to  do  the  right  measure  of 
genteel  by  any  one,  it  is  upon  the  present  most 
momentous  crisis,  when  I  rises  to  butter  a  man  that  is 
superior  to  1  lutter— to  hoil  a  man  that  is  Macassar  itself. 
Oil !  siirely  Doleful  there,"  looking  at  the  vice-chainnan, 
"is  a  ti-ump,  and  no  mistake  (laughter).  Whether  I 
looks  at  him  as  chief  of  the  fantastic  toers,  or  a  leading 
sportsman  of  our  brilliant  'unt,  I  doesn't  know  which 
character  is  the  brightest  (immense  laughter,  for  all  who 
kncAv  Doleful,  knew  how  perfectly  innocent  he  was  of 
sporting;  Doleful  himself  began  to  make  wrj  faces).  I 
loves  him  as  a  sportsman,  though  we  all  know  he  only 
'unts  on  the  sly !  but  then  what  a  brilliant  boy  he  is  in  a 
ball-room !  Talkin'  of  that,  gen'lemen,  this  is  his  benefit 
ball-night,  and  after  we  have  had  our  twelve  shillings' 
worth  of  liquor,  I  vote  we  should  each  spend  a  guinea 
with  Misen-imus ;  no  one  will  gi-udge  that  trifle  to  such 
a  weii-y  pleasant  trump — such  a  werry  agreeable  cock ; 
and  though  guineas  don't  grow  vipon  goosebeiTy-bushes, 
still  you  must  all  fork  out  one  to-night,  for  nobody  goes 
in  for  less."  Doleful,  on  hearing  JoiTOcks  put  this 
finishing  stroke  to  his  hash,  v\rrung  his  hands  in  agony, 
and  iiished  out  of  the  room,  vowing,  as  he  went  down- 
stairs, that  .ToiTocks  was  the  biggest  ass— the  greatest 
fool — the  stupidest  sinner,  that  ever  came  to  Handley 
Cross.  "  Tai.liho  !  gone  away  !  "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
as  he  saw  Doleful  bolt.  "  Hark  back !  hark  back !  " 
cried  the  company;  but  Doleful  was  deaf  to  the  rate, 
and  cut  away  home,  half  fi-antic  v/itli  rage. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "  as  the  gen'leman's  hoff, 


SERVING  UP   A   HTJNT  PINNER 


301 


it's  no  use  i'  finisliin'  my  oration;  so,  'stead  of  tlie  'ealtli 
of  Old  Dolefiil,  I  begs  to  propose,  most  cordially,  that  I 
sit  down." 

Our  friend  then  resinned  his  seat  amidst  great  applause 
from  the  blues,  and  was  considering  how  he  could  intro- 
duce a  limping  song  he  had  comijosed  in  honour  of 


)     4 


/    T  •^'^  .^ 

"tub  COlfVIVIAL  MKETIMO' 


Dolffiil,  wlion  a  sudden  rusli  of  grocii  mid  dark  coats, 
headed  by  Strider,  i)Oured  noisily  into  the  room,  and 
ollMJwed  tiieir  way  ]>;u-\i  to  their  placoH.  The  malcontents 
had  lif'id  a  couHultaf  ion,  and,  adviscfl  liy  Doleful,  were 
come  to  idit  their  decision  iut^)  exeeution. 

"  rjentleineTi  I  "  I'oared  Strider,  who  ha<l  now  re;i(died 
his  seat,  "gentlemen!"  rei)eated  lie,  standing  like  the 


302  HANDLEY   CROSS 

momnnent,  and  squinting  frisflitfully,  amid  cries  of 
"  Hear,  hear — cliair,  cliaii — order,  order — f?o  it  lont^  '\in!" 
from  adverse  parties. — "I  rise  to  propose  a  resolution," 
roared  Strider,  holding'  a  slip  of  paper  npside  down ;  "  I 
rise  to  propose  a  resolution,"  now  getting  the  i)aper  the 
right  way  for  reading,  "that  I  feel  assui'ed  will  be 
acceptable  to  the  majority  of  this  meeting. — I  move 
(reading)  that  Jorrocks  John  is  tlie  shabbiest  fellow  and 
greatest  humbug  we  ever  had  at  Handley  Cross ! "  And 
JoiTooks,  who  had  been  crouching  like  a  tiger  for  his 
spring,  immediately  rose  amid  immense  uproar,  and 
declared  that  he  would  move  as  an  amendment,  that 
"  JoEROCKS  WAS  A  BRICK ! "  and  putting  the  amend- 
ment, he  declared  that  "  the  '  bricks '  had  it,"  whereupon 
a  scene  of  indescribable  confusion  ensixed,  the  green 
coats  going  in  at  the  blues  like  l)ulls,  and  uj)setting  some 
half-dozen  of  them  before  they  knew  where  they  were, 
while  JoiTocks,  getting  hold  of  Strider,  dealt  a  heavy 
blow  in  his  ribs,  and  then  split  his  coat  up  to  the  collar, 
just  as  a  green  Ijiscuit  dish  grazed  our  master's  head 
and  knocked  oif  his  wig. 

Lights  were  then  extinguished,  and  the  company  fought 
their  way  out  of  the  room  as  best  they  could.  JoiTOcks 
lost  a  coat-la]3,  which  now  flaunts  as  a  banner-screen  in 
Mrs.  Royston  of  the  Dotfield  Himt's  drawing-room. 
And  so  ended  what  the  veracious  "  Paul  Pry "  called 
"  a  most  convivial  evening." 


CHAPTER    XXXI 

THE   FANCY  BALL 

E  must  here  indulge  in  a  little 
re  trospeetion. — Althoug'li  Mr. 
Barnintjton  hunted  with  the 
hounds,  his  lady  took  no  no- 
tice of  the  JoiTOckses,  and 
dashed  past  their  one-horse 
chaise  with  the  air  of  an  ill- 
Ijred  woman  drawn  by  well- 
]>red  horses.  On  foot,  she 
never  saw  them ;  and  if  she 
admitted  a  knowledge  of  their 
,  existence,  it  was  in  that  casual 
sort  of  way  that  one  sjieaks 
of  a  horse  or  a  dog'. 

Still  she  could  not  disguise 
fi-om  herself  that  they  were 
thorns  in  her  side.  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  popularity,  with 
Belinda's  sweetness  and  heauty,  went  far  to  vmdermine 
the  throne  Mrs.  Baniington  liad  set  up  for  herself.  Not 
only  were  her  evening  parties  less  sought  after,  but  she 
had  reason  to  suspect  that  even  Captain  Doleful  had 
declined  a  dinner  invitation  in  favour  of  the  Jorrockses  ! 
And  yet  tliey  liad  never  met,  save  in  the  streets;  but 
Captain  Dolef  ill's  l)all  involved  a  crisis  that  could  not  be 
got  over  without  a  collision.  This  had  been  changed,  by 
Mrs.  Bai-nington's  desire,  into  a  fancy  one,  in  order  that 
she  might  tiiiiiiijili  in  the  num))er  and  brilliance  of  her 
diamonds.  The  costume  she  fixed  upon  was  tliat  of 
Queen  Elizabeth  not  an  ill-chosen  one  for  lier  hciglit 
and  haughty  bearing.  The  dress  was  ordered  in  London, 
UH  well  for  the  i)urpose  of  having  it  unexceptionalile  in 
style  and  riclineKH,  as  to  enable  lier  to  Idaze  a  sjjlendid 
and  unexi>ected  meteor  in  the  assembled  host  of  Tlandley 
Cross.  It  was  also  expected  to  have  a  l)en(!ficial  influence 
on  Captain  Doleful,  Kliould  any  doubt  exist  as  to  who 
was  the  fittest  iK-rsfjii  for  honour. 

Notwithstanding  Mrs.  Baniingkm's  precautions,  the 


304  HANDLET   CBOSS 

secret  of  hei*  dress  transpired.  Mrs.  Jorrocks's  Batsay 
haviiifj  establislied  an  intimacy  with  onr  friend  John 
Trot,  tlie  footman,  the  fact  descended  from  the  exalted 
region  of  upper  sfn'vitnde,  and  was  communicated  to  Mrs. 
Jorrocks,  with  the  slijjrht  addition,  that  the  Queen  had 
graciously  lent  Mrs.  Barnington  her  crown  and  scej^tre. 

"  Nay,  then ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  JoiTocks,  thinkinp:  it 
was  all  over  with  her,  and  fancying  she  saw  Mrs.  ISar- 
nington  sailing  into  the  room  with  Captain  Dolefxil,  her 
head  in  the  air  and  her  eyes  on  the  ceiling.  Long  did 
she  muse  ere  the  Table  of  Precedence  flashed  across  her 
mind.  No  sooner  did  it  occur  to  her,  than  off  she  dai"ted 
to  Mr.  Jorrocks's  di-awers,  where,  amid  a  goodly  collection 
of  letters,  she  succeeded  in  finding  Captain  Doleful's  one, 
stating  that  "the  Lady  of  the  M.F.H.  came  on  after 
members  of  the  Royal  family,  and  before  all  bishops' 
wives  and  daughters,  peeresses,  knights'  dames,  justices' 
wives,  and  so  forth." 

****** 

"  Mischievous  'ooman ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  JoiTocks, 
conning  the  passage  attentively ;  "  nasty,  mean,  circimi- 
wenting  hanimal,  I  sees  what's  she's  after!  wants  to  steal 
a  march  on  me  as  a  member  of  the  Royal  family.  Come 
in  as  a  queen,  in  fact !  I'll  be  hupsides  with  her,  though !  " 

Thereupon  Mrs.  Jorrocks  took  a  highly  ornamented 
sheet  of  note-paper  out  of  her  envelope  case,  and  con- 
cocted the  following  epistle  to  Captain  Doleful : — 

"  Mrs.  Jorrocks'  Compos  Cap"  Doleful,  and  I  will  feel 
much  obliged  if  he  will  have  the  kindness  to  lend  her 
your  Table  of  Precedence  for  a  fev/  minutes,  as  she  wishes 
to  see  how  things  stand  in  Handley  Cross. 

"  Diana  Lodge." 

****** 

Captain  Doleful  was  sitting  on  the  counter  in  Miss 
Jelly's  shop,  in  deep  consultation  with  her  about  his 
fancy  dress,  when  the  note  arrived.  Having  to  be  the 
great  man  at  the  ball,  it  was  incu.mljent  upon  him  to 
have  something  better  than  the  old  militia  coat,  or  even 
the  di-ess-himt  one,  revised.  Time  pressed,  or  he  would 
have  tried  what  the  Jew  clothes-shops  in  London  could 
do  for  him,  but  Miss  Jelly,  having  a  fertile  imagination, 
and  his  interest  at  heai-t,  he  summoned  her  to  his  councils, 
to  invent  something  showy  without  being  expensive. 

Many  costumes  were  talked  over.  Spanish  would  not 
do,  l>ecause  the  captain  woidd  have  to  show  his  legs; 


THE   FANCY  BALL  305 

Swiss  entailed  a  sLniilar  objection ;  and  the  old  English 
costumes  were  equally  objectionable.  Some  were  too 
costly,  others  too  complex. 

'■  I  have  it ! '"  at  lenjjfth  exclaimed  Miss  Jelly,  clai^ping 
her  hands, — "I  have  it ! '"  repeated  she,  her  face  beaming 
with  exultation;  '" you  shall  be  the  Great  Mogul ! " 

"The  Great  Mogul!"  repeated  Captain  Doleful, 
thoughtfully. 

"Yes,  the  Great  Mogul!"  rejoined  Miss  Jelly.  "A 
turban,  with  a  half-moon  in  front,  petticoat  trousers, 
shell- jacket,  moustachios.  and  so  forth." 

"  That  will  do,  I  think,"  replied  Doleful,  squeezing  her 
hand.     "  Sound  well,  and  not  cost  much — will  it  ?  " 

"  Oh,  very  little !  "  replied  Miss  Jelly.  *'  Let  me  see  ! 
One  of  your  scarlet  pocket-handkerchiefs  will  make  the 
crowi  of  the  tm-]jan.  and  the  folds  can  be  formed  of 
white  neckcloths.  I  have  a  bird  of  Paradise  feather  in 
my  Sunday  hat,  and  a  string  of  large  blue  beads  that  will 
ornament  the  front.  You  want  some  summer  trousers, 
so  if  you  buy  as  much  stuif  as  wiU  make  two  pair,  it  will 
only  be  the  making  and  altering,  and  you  can  get  Nick 
Savoy  into  the  house  at  three-and-sixpence  a  day  and  his 
meals,  who  can  cut  out  the  jacket,  and  I  will  make  and 
trim  it  myself." 

'■  Excellent !  "  exclaimed  Captain  Doleful,  rubbing  his 
hands,  and  putting  a  whole  penny  tart  into  his  mouth. 
Ju8t  then  Benjamin  entered,  and  after  having  been 
refused  credit  for  an  ounce  of  paregoric,  he  ijut  Mrs, 
Jc^rrocks's  note  into  Captain  Doleful's  hand. 

"ril  bring  it  immediately,"  said  the  captain  to 
"Benjamin,  lK)]ting  f>nt  of  the  shojj  by  the  side-door, 
winking  at  Miss  Jelly  as  he  went. 

Presently  a  stamp  ffverlieiid  announced  that  the 
captain  wanted  Miss  Jelly,  who  iini))-udently  leaving  the 
shop  in  charge  of  Benjamin,  our  friend  fill(!d  his  jtockets 
with  macaroons  anfl  his  })at  crown  with  Hponge-ljiscuits, 
while  she  was  getting  her  message  ui)-KlairB. 


"  r;;ii(tain  DoIefiil'H  eoinjiliuientH  to  Mrh;.  Jurrocks," 
said  Miss  Jelly,  retuniiiig,  "and  is  very  sorry  1  hat  the 
Table  of  Precedence  has  not  been  returned  from  the 


300  HA.NDLEY   CROSS 

Herald's  College,  where  it  w.as  sent  to  be  eni'oUed,  but 
immediately  it  comes  Mrs.  Jori'ocks  shall  have  it." 
"Yes,  inarm,"  said  Benjamin,  hurryinf?  oft". 

?l!  -n-  Tp  vK  ■ff  ll* 

"Please,  ma  nil,  the  captain's  compliments,  and  his 
table  is  at  the  joiner's  ^ettin'  rolled,  but  as  soon  as  it 
comes  'ome  yon  shall  have  it,"  was  the  answer  Benjamin 
delivered  to  his  mistress. 

The  captain  was  shy  for  a  day  or  two,  and  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks,  beinj?  more  intent  upon  hunting  'than  etiquette, 
the  poor  lady  was  left  to  her  own  devices.  Belinda  did 
not  appreciate  the  point,  and,  moreover,  was  too  busy 
with  her  di'ess  to  enter  upon  the  question  as  she  should 
do. 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  mistrusted  the  captain,  and  thought  he 
might  be  inclined  to  shuffle  her  off,  xmder  pretence 
of  Mrs.  Bamington  being  a  queen. 

"  I'll  be  a  queen,  too ! "  at  length  exclaimed  she,  after 
a  long  gaze  at  the  fire,  thinking  the  thing  over ;  "  I'll  be 
a  queen,  too ! "  repeated  she,  snapping  her  fingers,  as 
though  she  were  meeting  Mrs.  Barnington ;  "  I'll  be  a 
queen  ! — the  Queen  of  'Earts ; "  exclaimed  she,  looking  at 
herself  in  the  eagle-topped  mirror. 

That  evening  she  wrote  the  following  letter  to  Miss 
Skimmers,  or  Miss  Howard,  as  she  was  now  called : — 

"  Dear  Miss, — We  are  a  going  to  have  afancy  ball  here, 
and  I  want  your  assistance  in  a  dress.  Was  you  ever  the 
Queen  of  'Earts  ?  If  so,  please  lend  me  your  robes.  If 
not,  pleaze  lend  me  a  crown  as  like  the  Queen  of  'Eai-ts' 
crown  as  you  can  get  it.  You  laiow  it's  not  exactly  a 
crown,  but  something  like  a  crown  stuck  on  a  cap.  The 
sceptre  seems  like  a  wand  with  a  rose  at  the  end.  Pleaze 
let  me  know  how  I  should  be  dressed  behind,  as  the  cards 
give  one  no  idea.  Shoidd  like  the  full  robes,  if  you  have 
them ;  but,  in  coitrse,  will  be  happy  to  take  what  I  can 
get.    Excuse  haste  and  a  wen-y  bad  pen.    Yours,  in  haste, 

"  Julia  Jorrocks. 

"  Diana  Lodge,  Handley  Cross  Spa, 

"Miss  Clarissa.  Howaed, 

"  Sadlers'  Wells  Theatre,  London." 

Miss  Slummers  had  never  been  the  Queen  of  Hearts, 
but  had  enacted  one  of  the  rival  Kings  of  Brentford,  in 
the  popular  pantomime  of  that  name,  and,  after  a  con- 
ference with  the  property-man  of  the  theatre,  she  thus 
answered  her  distinguished  friend : — 


THE   FANCY  BALL  307 

"Honoured  Madam, — Toiu-  commands  have  been 
received ;  and  I  much  regret  that,  never  havinof  appeared 
in  the  distingiiislied  part  of  the  Q.  of  Hearts,  I  have  not 
the  necessary  properties  to  send  yon.  I  am  not  aware 
that  the  character  has  ever  appeared  npini  the  stage 
other  than  in  pantomine,  and  never  at  either  of  the 
theatres  to  which  I  have  been  attached;  Ijnt  onr  proj^erty- 
man  thinks  the  accompanying  crown,  fixed  on  a  Swiss 
cap,  '  Canton  de  Benie,'  will  come  as  near  the  card  as  we 
can  get  it.  I  also  send  a  sceptre,  to  which  is  attached  a 
large  rose,  that  we  nsed  for  the  'two  Kings  of  Brentford ' 
to  smell  at,  which  comes  as  near  the  spirit  of  tlie  thing  as 
anything  can  be.  The  sceptre  is  our  best  and  triple  gilt. 
The  robes  should  be  of  brocaded  satin,  and  a  large 
reticule  of  red  silk,  in  the  shape  of  a  heart,  dangling 
negligently  on  your  left  arm,  w^ill  at  once  proclaim  your 
character.  The  back  of  your  di-ess  is  not  material,  as 
crowned  heads  are  only  looked  at  in  front.  Any  further 
assistance  I  can  he  of  will  l^e  extremely  gratifying  to  me ; 
and  I  beg  to  suljscril>e  myself,  with  great  respect,  your 
most  obedient  and  very  humble  sei'vant, 

"  Theatre  Royal,  Sadlers"  Wells.  "  C.  HOWARD. 

"Mrs.  Jorrocks, 
"  Diana  I.K3(lpe,  Handley  Cross  Spa." 

So  far,  so  good.  The  crown  did  admiral)ly.  It  was 
studded  with  false  brilliants,  and  looked  splendid  by 
candle-light.  Tlie  sceptre,  too,  was  imposing;  and, 
regardless  of  expense,  Mrs.  Jorrocks  had  the  richest 
brocade  cut  into  the  requisite  shapes,  to  wear  over  a  red 
satin  gown  sho  liail  ]>y  iier.  Nor  was  the  heart-reticule 
f<jrg(;ttcn  ;  and,  altogetlier,  Mrs.  JoiTOcks  succeeded  in 
making  lioi-sdf  a  very  fair  representative  of  her  Majesty 
of  Hearts.  Belinda's  i>retty  blue  and  white  petticoat, 
with  tlie  scarlet  body  of  a  Valencian  peasant,  was 
clwinged  for  a  plain  wliite  satin  dress,  with  a  court 
plume,  for  her  to  attend  as  maid  of  lionour  on  her 
majesty.  Cliarley  was  converted  into  a  bliio-liodied, 
white-legged  page,  with  a  Sjjanisli  hat  and  Ic'atlicrs. 

The  Great  Mogid's  dress  jn-ogressed  favourably,  too. 
His  wide  sleeves  and  great  trousers  were  dono,  and  Miss 
.I<'liy  had  got  a  bargain  of  taniishfd  lace  for  l)raiding 
liis  red  jackfst.  A  Hplcndiil  licai'd,  wliiskers,  iiioiistache, 
and  all,  were  hir«'d  for  the  iiiglit,  and  a  pair  of  (ive-and- 
8ix|)eiiny  red  leather  slippers  were  bought,  to  act  the 
part  of  shoes  at  the  ball,  and  supersede  a  pair  of  woni- 
out  puinjis  afterwai'ds. 


30H  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Mrs.  Bavninston  having-  set  the  fanhion  of  mystery 
about  lier  dress,  it  was  followed  by  the  elite  of  the  place, 
and  each  tried  to  mislead  his  neighbotir.  Swiss  peasants 
said  they  were  coming'  as  Turks,  Turks  as  Chinese, 
Charles  the  Seconds  as  Napoleons,  and  Huntsmen  as 
Hermits.  Still  secrets  will  transpire,  and  Mrs.  Barning;- 
ton  and  Mrs.  Joi'i'ocks  knew  all  about  each  othei-'s 
dresses  as  well  as  if  they  were  tof^ether  every  day.  The 
former  talked  at  Captain  Doleful  instead  of  to  him, 
sometimes  pretending  to  doubt  whether  the  Jorrockses 
would  go,  fearing  they  would  not,  for  vulgar  people 
seldom  liked  getting  so  completely  out  of  their  element. 
For  her  part,  she  hoped  they  would,  for  she  had  a  taste 
for  natural  curiosities — heard,  too,  their  daiighter  was 
jiretty,  and  should  like  to  see  her ;  and  she  closed  her 
last  interview  by  i^resenting  Captain  Doleful  with  ten 
Ijounds  for  her  tickets. 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  was  less  mealy-mouthed,  and  finding 
the  Table  of  Precedence  was  not  likely  to  come,  she  called 
at  Miss  Jelly's  on  the  morning  of  the  ball,  and  asked 
the  cajitain  what  time  she  should  be  there  to  go  into 
the  room  with  him.  This  was  a  poser,  that  even  the 
skilful  captain  found  difficult  to  parry;  but,  while 
bustling  his  turban  and  trousers  under  the  sofa,  and 
fussing  a  greasy-covered  arm-chair  towards  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks, the  dinner  occurred  to  him,  and,  after  looking 
vastly  wise,  he  declared  that  that  was  the  only  thing  he 
had  any  difficulty  about.  "  Ton  see,"  said  he,  "  I  am 
vice-president — then,  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  rather  a  sittei — 
not  that  I  mean  to  say  he  gets  drunk,  but  you  know  he 
is  fond  of  society,  gay  and  careless  about  time,  and 
there  are  so  many  toasts  to  propose,  and  so  many 
speeches  to  make,  that  I  fear  it  is  utterly  impossible  to 
say  what  time  we  may  get  away,  and  I — " 

"Well,  but,"  interrupted  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  "the  dinner 
has  nothin'  to  do  with  the  dance ;  if  Jun  chooses  to 
lower  'imself  by  gettin'  drunk,  that's  no  reason  why  you 
should,  and  one  wice  can  always  appoint  another  wice, 
and  wicey  wersey,  I  suppose." 

"True,"  replied  Captain  Doleful,  assenting  to  the 
position  ;  "  but,  then,  if  all  the  dancing  men  are  at  the 
dinner,  what  use  will  a  master  of  the  ceremonies  be  of 
to  the  ladies  ?  " 

"  Fiddle  the  ladies !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  JoiTocks ;  "  it's 
not  dancin'  men  wot  'ill  go  to  the  dinner — not  your  'air- 
curlin',  arm-squarin',  caperin'  swells,  Init  old-season'd 
casks,  wot'U  never  think  o'  the  dance." 


THE   FANCY  BALL  309 

"  I  hope  not,"  replied  Captain  Doleful ;  "  why,  there 
will  be  Mr.  Stobbs,  for  one." 

"  He'U  not  go  to  the  dinner,"  rejoined  Mrs.  Joirocks 
— "  stays  at  home  with  me." 

****** 

Just  then,  Miss  Jelly,  judg-iuo^  her  lodger  was  in  a 
dilemma,  adroitly  re-sealed  three  or  four  old  notes,  and 
bringing  them  up  on  a  tart-plate,  apologized  for  intrud- 
ing, but  said  the  servants  were  all  urgent  for  answers ; 
and  Captain  Doleful,  availing  himself  of  the  excuse,  set 
to  work  most  assiduously,  and  what  with  apologizing, 
scribbling,  ;ind  mistaking,  Mrs.  Jorrocks  found  she 
might  as  well  go  away. 

****** 

Thus  matters  stood  on  the  eventful  evening  whose 
in-ogress  we  have  so  far  described.  Mrs.  Jorrocks  was 
right  as  to  the  formation  of  the  dinner-jjarty,  few  danc- 
ing men,  and  scarcely  any  fancy  diessers,  being  there. 
Most  of  the  young  gentlemen  were  corking  their  eye- 
brows, fixing  on  moustache,  or  drawing  on  dresses  that 
made  them  look  as  unlike  themselves  as  possible. 
Rear-admirals,  who  had  never  had  a  shave ;  colonels, 
who  didn't  know  how  to  fasten  on  their  swords ; 
grandees,  who  didn't  know  how  to  get  on  their  breeches ; 
and  fox-himters,  who  did  not  know  how  to  put  on  their 
8i>ui-s, — stood  admiring  themselves  before  their  sisters' 
mirrors,  thinking  tlio  l^all  hour  would  never  arrive. 
Young  ladies  laced  themselves  extra  tight,  and  a  little 
more  tournure  was  allowed  for  setting  off  the  gay 
bodices  and  swelling  drapeiy  of  their  dresses.  Neat 
ankles  availed  themselves  of  the  licence  for  wearing 
fancy  dresses  refiuii-iiig  short  petticoats,  while  sweei)iiig 
trains  concealed  othei-s  that  were  less  fortunate  in  their 
make.  Old  dresses  were  metamorphosed  into  new,  and 
new  fancy  ones  were  made  for  re-conversion  into  plain 
onf's  another  time. 

Confused  witli  wine  and  anger,  (Ja|)tain  Doleful  ru.shed 
him-iedly  home  to  liis  lodgingH,  and  threw  himself  into 
(he  easy-chair  by  the  fire.  He  was  n(jt  done  aijusing 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  when  Miss  Jelly  entered  with  a  bed-candle 
and  a  little  Jug  of  warm  water.  She  had  laid  his  dress 
out  on  tiie  bed;  his  red  and  white  turban.  Iieaded  and 
feathfsred,  with  a  l>ariey-HUgar  iiall'-uioon,  sunuounted 
his  baggy  trou.sers;  th<;  red  jacket  was  airing  before  the 
fire,  and  scarlet  and  whit<'  riAsettcs  ajjijeared  on  the 
instopc  of  the  slippers.     Seeing  he  was  disturbed  in  his 


310  HANDLEY   CROSS 

mind,  Miss  Jelly  merely  intimated  that  it  wanted  ten 
mijuites  to  nine,  :i,nd  witlidrew  qnietly  below. 

There  was  no  time  to  lose;  so  hastily  doffinj^  his  hunt- 
coat,  &c.,  Captain  Doleful  was  soon  in  his  baggy  trousers; 
and  having  stamped  overhead,  Miss  Jelly  was  speedily 
with  him.  assisting  him  into  his  drawn  linen  vest,  over 
which  came  the  embroidered  scarlet  jacket,  with  baggy 
linen  sleeves,  tightening  at  the  wrist ;  a  long  blue  scarf 
encircling  his  waist,  displaying  the  gilt  handle  of  his 
militia  sword.  When  he  had  got  on  his  beard,  moustaches, 
and  whiskers,  and  surmounted  the  whole  with  his  turban, 
his  black  eyes  assumed  a  brightness,  and  his  whole 
appearance  underwent  a  change  thnt  elicited  an  in- 
voluntary expression  of  admiration  fi-om  Miss  Jelly. 
"  The  captain,"  she  really  thought,  "  looked  splendid  ! " 
Thereupon,  regardless  of  the  increasing  ratio  of  fare,  he 
liberally  ofPered  her  a  ride  in  his  fly  to  the  rooms. 

The  Queen  of  Hearts  commenced  her  toilette  im- 
mediately after  tea,  and  had  no  little  ti-ouble  in  fixing 
her  ci'own,  and  her  cap,  and  her  front  on  her  liead.  The 
iiistlino:  robes  required  miicli  adjusting,  and  Belinda  got 
little  of  Betsy's  services  that  night. 

Mrs.  Barnington's  robes  being  accurately  made,  were 
easily  adjusted.  Her  great  ruft'  rose  majestically  ;  her 
pink  satin  jewelled  stomacher,  piqued  in  the  extreme, 
glittered  with  diamonds  and  precious  stones,  and  her 
portentous  jjetticoat  of  white  satin,  embroidered  with 
silver,  stood  imperioiisly  out.  Round  her  neck  she  wore 
a  costly  chain,  and  her  black  coif  was  adorned  with  ropes 
and  stars  of  jewels,  with  an  enormous  diamond  brilliant 
in  the  centre.     She  rustled  at  every  move. 

By  half -past  nine  all  Handley  Cross  was  in  masquerade. 
Brothers  met  sisters  in  the  drawing-rooms,  and  were  lost 
in  astonishment  at  each  other ;  the  servants  came  oi^euly 
forward  to  ins])ect  their  young  masters  and  missises. 
The  rain  had  ceased  and  been  succeeded  by  a  starlight 
night;  the  populace  turned  outito  congregate  about  the 
ball-rooms,  or  at  the  doors  where  carriages  waited  to 
take  up.  The  noise  inside  the  "  Dragon  "  kei)t  a  crowd 
up  outside;  and  as  the  Queen  of  Hearts  drove  up  for  her 
husband,  rival  cheers  announced  her  arrival. 

"  It's  a  man !  "  exclaimed  one,  putting  his  face  close  to 
the  window  as  Mrs.  Joi-rocdcs  lowered  the  glass  of  the  fly, 
to  give  her  orders  to  tlie  fly-man. 

'■  It's  not !  "  replied  another. 

"I  say  it  is!"  rejoined  a  third.  "It's  a  beef-eater — 
what  they  stick  outside  shows  to  "tice  the  company  up." 


THE  FANCY  BALL 


311 


Then  a  fresh  roivutl  of  cheers  arose,  which  might  either 
lie  in  answer  to  applause  within,  or  in  consequence  of  the 
discovery  made  without,  for  a  mob  is  never  very 
particular  what  they  shout  for.  Meanwhile  Mrs. 
Jorrocks  di'ew  up  the  glass  protecting  her  maid  of 
honour,  her  page,  and  herself,  from  the  night  air. 
The  Queen  of  Heai'ts  was  in  a  terrible  fidget,  and  every 


moment  seemed  an  hour.  Flys  di'ove  ui)  for  gentlemen 
(hat  were  "not  roady,"  and  cut  away  lor  those  whose 
tuj-n  camo  noxt.  Sliouts  souudod  in  the  various  streets 
as  IwfpatherfHl  and  l>OH])anglfd  drfsKOH  darted  Ihroiigli  tlio 
crowds  into  tli«!  carriages ;  and  as  the  v<;liiclcH  fell  into 
line  by  the  rooms,  there  was  sucli  gaping,  and  (juizzing, 
aufl  hingliing  among  the  sixjctators,  and  Hii<-h  Hi)eculation 
as  to  what  (liey  were. 
People  generally  go  early  to  fancy  hallrt;  it  is  one  of 


312  HANDLEY   CROSS 

the  few  tliinp;s  of  life  that  a  person  is  not  ashamed  of 
being  first  at.  Indeed  the  order  of  things  is  generally 
reversed,  and  instead  of  people  telling  their  friends  that 
they  mean  to  be  there  rather  earlier  than  they  do,  they  are 
apt  to  name  a  somewhat  later  time,  in  order  to  an'ive  first 
themselves.  Some  thii-ty  or  forty  people  had  got  there 
before  Captain  Doleful,  chiefly  door-payers,  who  came 
to  see  the  fun,  without  regard  to  benefiting  him.  Three 
Bohemian  brothers,  a  Robin  Hood,  a  Mail  Guard,  and  a 
Riiral  Policeman  were  not  a  little  puzzled  at  the  Great 
Mogul's  cmpressemcnt,  for  though  they  knew  him  as 
Captain  Doleful,  M.C.,  they  had  no  idea  who  the  gentle- 
man was  in  the  turban  and  trousers. 

The  red  folding-doors  now  ke^jt  flapping  like  condors' 
wings,  as  Highlanders,  and  archers,  and  deputy-lieu- 
tenants, and  Hamlets,  and  sailors,  and  Turks,  and 
harlequins,  and_  judges,  and  fox-hunters,  came  shoulder- 
ing and  elbowing  in  with  variously-dressed  ladies  on 
their  arms, — Russians,  Prussians,  Circassians,  Greeks, 
Swiss,  and  Chinese — a  confusion  of  countries  all  speak- 
ing one  tongue.  Captain  Doleful  was  pushed  from  his 
place  before  the  doors,  and  nobody  ever  thought  of 
asking  for  him,  so  intent  were  they  on  themselves  and 
each  other.  "  Bless  me,  is  that  you  ?  " — "  Who'd  have 
thought?"  — "Mar,  here's  James!"  "Ob,  dear,  and 
William  Dobbs ! "— "  What's  your  dress  ?  "  "  Beautiful, 
I  declare !  " — "  Your  i>istols  arn't  loaded,  I  hope  P  " — 
"  Splendid  uniform ! "— "  French  chasseur! "—"  They  told 
me  you  were  coming  as  a  post-boy." — "  Oh,  dear,  look 
there  !  "— "  What  a  rum  old  lass  !  "— "  The  Queen  of  the 
Cannibal  Islands ! "— "  Mrs.  Hokey  Pokey  Wankey  Fuin ! " 

We  need  scarcely  say  that  this  latter  exclamation  was 
elicited  by  the  entrance  of  the  Queen  of  Hearts,  followed 
by  her  page  in  Spanish  costume  of  spangled  purple 
velvet  and  white,  with  Vjlack  hat  and  feather ;  and 
Belinda  in  white  satin,  with  a  court  plume  of  feathers. 
A  slight  flush  of  confusion  mantled  over  her  lovely  brow, 
imparting  a  gentle  radiance  to  her  languishing  blue  eyes, 
contrasting  with  the  fixed  and  stern  determination  of 
her  aunt's.  Her  majesty's  appearance  was  certainly 
most  extraordinary.  The  free-masonish  sort  of  robes,  the 
glittering  crown  on  the  sombre  cap,  the  massive  sceptre 
held  like  a  parasol,  were  ludicrous  enough ;  but  in  addition 
to  this,  her  majesty  had  forgotten  to  put  off  her  red  and 
white  worsted  feet-comforters,  and  was  making  her  way 
up  the  room  with  them  draggling  about  her  ankles. 

Captain  Doleful,  all  politeness,  informed  her  of  the 


^1 


ttp^^^ '--•■-  '.^idJ^'^A 


THE   FANCY  BALL  313 

ouiission,  and  imfortuuately  discovered  himself,  for  no 
sooner  did  Mrs.  JoiTocks  find  out  to  whom  she  was  in- 
debted, than  keeping  her  arm  in  the  Great  Mogul's,  where 
it  had  been  placed  while  she  drew  the  things  off,  she 
made  a  movement  towards  the  ball-room  door,  which 
being  seconded  by  the  crowd  behind — all  anxious  to  get 
in  and  scatter  themselves  for  inspection  —  they  were 
fairly  earned  away  by  the  tide,  and  the  Queen  of  Hearts 
and  the  Great  Mogul  entered  the  room  with  people  of 
all  nations  at  their  heels. 

Great  was  Mi-s.  Jon-ocks's  gratitude.  "  Oh,  dear,  it 
was  so  werry  kind — so  werry  engagin'.  If  it  hadn't  been 
the  captin  announcin'  himself,  I  should  never  have 
guessed  it  was  him ;  "  and  the  captain  bit  his  lips  and 
crn-sed  his  stupidity  for  getting  himself  into  such  a  mess. 
Still  the  Queen  of  Hearts  stuck  to  him,  and,  sceptre  in 
hand,  sti-utted  up  and  down  the  well-lit  room,  fancying 
herself  "the  observed  of  all  observers." 

For  the  first  time  in  his  life  the  captain's  cunning 
forsook  him.  He  didn't  know  how  to  get  rid  of  his 
incubus, — and  even  if  he  did,  he  knew  not  whether  to 
station  himself  in  the  ante-room  to  receive  Mrs. 
iJarnington,  or  to  let  the  ball  begin,  and  brazen  it  out. 
As  he  walked  about,  half  frantic  with  rage,  his  turban 
pinching,  and  his  beard  and  whiskers  tickling  him,  an 
opposition  Mogul  gave  the  signal  to  the  musicians,  and 
off  tliey  went  with  a  (luadrille,  leaving  the  couples  to 
settle  to  the  figure  as  the  music  went  on. 

Then  as  Turks  balanced  to  Christians,  and  Louis 
Napoleon  wheeled  sweet  Anne  Page  about  by  the  arms, 
two  highly-jjowdered  footmen  threw  wide  the  doors,  and 
in  sailed  Mrs.  Barnington,  catching  poor  Doleful  with 
Mrs.  Jorrocks  on  his  arm.  One  withering  look  she  gave, 
and  then  drawing  herself  ujj  into  a  sort  of  concentrated 
essence  of  grandeur,  towered  past,  f<jll()wed  by  old 
Jorrocks  minus  his  coat-tail ;  and  our  Avorthy  master, 
thinking  to  do  all  i)roper  honours  to  the  wife  of  a  gentle- 
iiiau  wlio  8ubHcril)ed  so  libi-rally  to  his  hounds,  imme- 
diately a.sked  her  to  dance,  which  l>eing  indignantly 
refused,  he  consoled  liimHolf  by  taking  all  the  prcstty 
girls  in  the  room  \>y  turns,  wlio  un.inimously  declared 
that  he  was  a  most  agreeable,  energetic  old  gentleman, 
and  an  excellent  dancer. 

And  owing  to  the  spirit  with  wliidi  Mr.  Jorrocks  kept 
it  up,  that  biill  was  productive  of  a  nidst  prolilic  croj)  of 
ofF'TH.  which,  we  ne(;d  scarcely  say,  sent  the  Jorrucku 
funds  up  very  considerably. 


CHAPTER    XXXII 

ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR 


Mr.  Jorrocks's  tongue  being  now  well  laid  in  foi* 
talkinsi',  lie  determined  to  keep  it  going,  by  giving 
another  sporting  lecture.  Being,  however,  of  opinion 
that  a  lecture  that  was  worth  listening  to,  was  worth 
paying  for,  he  determined  to  charge  a  shilling  a  head 
entrance,  as  well  for  the  piirpose  of  indemnifying  him- 
self against  the  expenses  of  the  room,  &c.,  as  of  giving 
Pigg  the  chance  of  any  sur]>lus  thei-e  might  Ijc  over  for 
pocket-money,  of  which  useful  article  James  was  rather 
short. 

Our  master's  fame  heing  now  widely  established, 
and  occupation  Tincommonly  slack  at  Handley  Ci'oss, 
a  goodly  muster  was  the  result. 

Precisely  as  the  clock  was  done  striking  seven,  Mr. 
JoiTocks  ascended  the  platform,  attended  by  a  few 
friends,  and  was  received  with  loud  cheers  from  the 
gentlemen,  and  the  waving  of  handkerchiefs  from  the 
lady  part  of  the  audience.  Of  these  there  was  a  goodly 
num1)er,  among  whom  was  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  in  a  great 
red  turban  with  a  plume  of  black  feathers,  reclining 
gracefully  on  one  side ;  Stobbs  sat  between  her  and 
Belinda,  who  was  dressed  in  a  pale  pink  silk,  with  a 
gold  cord  in  her  hair :  Belinda  looked  pei-fectly  happy. 
When  the  applause  had  subsided,  Mr.  JoiTOcks  ad- 
vanced to  the  front  of  the  i^latform  (which  was  deco- 
rated as  before),  and  thus  addressed  the  audience: — 

"  Frinds  and  fellow-counti-ynien !  Lend  me  your  ears. 
That's  to  say,  listen  to  wot  I'm  a  goin'  to  say  to  you. 
This  night  I  shall  enlighten  you  on  the  all-impoitant 
ceremony  of  takin'  the  field."     (Loud  applause.) 

"  Takin'  the  Field  ! "  repeated  he,  throwing  out  his 
arms,  and  casting  his  eyes  up  at  the  elegant  looping  of 
his  canopy.  "Takin'  the  Field!  glorious  sound!  wot 
words  can  convey  anything  'alf  so  delightful  ? 

"  Tn  my  miiuVs  eye  I  see  the  'ounds  in  all  their  glossy 
pride  a  trottiu'  around  Ai-terxerxes,  who  stami:>s  and 
whinnies  with  delight  at  their  company.    There's  old 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  315 

Prist«ss  with  her  speckled  sides,  lookin'  as  wise  as  a 
Clu-istian,  and  Tnisty.  and  Tuneable,  and  Warrior,  and 
Wac^rant,  and  "Workman,  and  Wengence,  and  all  the 
grlorions  comrades  o'  the  chase. 

"But  to  the  pint.  Ingenious  youth,  having  got  his 
'ess,  and  learned  to  tackle  him,  let  me  now,  from  the 
bonded  warehouse  of  my  knowledge,  prepare  him  for 
the  all-glorious  ceremony  of  the  'unt. 

"  How  warious  are  the  motives,"  continued  J^Ii'.  Jor- 
rocks,  looking  thoughtfully,  "that  draw  men  to  the 
kiver  side.  Some  come  to  see,  others  to  be  seen ;  some 
for  the  ride  out,  others  for  the  ride  'ome ;  some  for  hap- 
petites,  some  for  'ealth,  some  to  get  away  from  their 
wives,  and  a  few  to  'unt.  Ah !  give  me  the  few — the 
chosen  few — '  the  band  o'  brothers,'  as  the  poet  says,  wot 
come  to  'unt !— men  wot  know  the  'ounds,  and  know  the 
covers,  and  know  the  coimtry,  and,  above  all,  know  when 
'ounds  ai'e  rnnnin',  and  when  there're  hofl'  the  scent — 
men  wot  can  ride  in  the  fields,  and  yet  'old  'ard  in  the 
lanes — men  wot  would  rayther  see  the  thief  o"  the  world 
well  troimced  in  cover,  than  say  they  took  a  windmill  in 
the  hardour  of  the  chase.  Could  I  but  make  a  little 
country  of  my  own,  and  fill  it  with  crittm-s  of  my  own 
creation,  I'd  have  sich  a  lot  o'  trumps  as  never  were  seen 
out  o'  SuiTcy.     (Loud  clieers.) 

"  Bliss  my  'eart,  wot  a  miiny  ways  there  is  of  enjoyin' 
tlie  chase,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  and  'ow  one  man 
is  led  into  folly  and  extravagance  by  another !  Because 
great  Sampson  Stout,  wlio  rides  twenty  stun',  with  the 
nerves  of  a  steam-licngine,  keeps  twelve  'unters  and  two 
"acks,  little  Tommy  Titmouse,  wlio  scarcely  turns  nine 
with  his  saddle,  uuist  have  as  many,  though  he  dare 
liardly  ride  over  a  water  furrow.  Because  Sir  Yawn- 
Ijcn-y  Dawdle,  who  lies  long  in  bed,  sends  on,  Mr.  Lark- 
spur, who  is  up  with  the  sun,  must  needs  do  the  same, 
thougli  he  is  ol)liged  to  imt  off  time,  lest  he  should  arrive 
afore  his  'oss.  Becaiiso  Lady  (iiddyfool  puts  a  hyacinth 
in  lier  lord's  butt/m-'ole,  every  liass  in  liis  'unt  must  send 
to  Covent  Garden  to  get  some.  I  wcrrily  Ldievos,  if  a 
lord  was  to  stick  one  of  my  peacock  Gabriel  Junks's 
feathers  in  his  'iit,  there  would  be  fools  to  follow  his 
cxaini)le;  out  upon  tiieni.  sjiy  1  :  'uiiting  is  an  expensive 
iiniusonu^nt  or  n(»t,  jest  as  folks  cliooKe  t(j  ni;ik<'  it. 

"There's  a  niisty  word  cmIUmI  'ciin't,'  that  does  an 
infinity  of  mischief.  One  can't  'unt  without  eight  'osses; 
(me.  ciin't  do  without  two  'iicks;  one  can't  ride  in  a  coun- 
try saddle;  one  can't  do  this,  and  one  can't  do  that — 


316  HANDLEY  CROSS 

hang  your  can'ts !  Let  a  man  look  at  those  helow  him 
instead  o'  those  above,  and  think  'ow  much  l)etter  holi' 
he  is  nor  they.  (Applause.)  Surely  the  man  with  one 
'oss  is  better  off  than  the  man  with  none!  (Renewed 
applause.) 

"  Believe  me,  my  beloved  'earers,  if  a  man's  inclined 
for  the  chase,  he'll  ride  a'most  anything,  or  valk  sooner 
than  stay  at  'ome.  I  often  thinks,  could  the  keen  foot- 
folks  change  places  with  the  f  umigatin'  yards  o'  leather 
and  scarlet,  wot  a  much  better  chance  there  would  be 
for  the  chase !  They,  at  all  events,  come  out  from  a 
genu/we  inclination  for  the  spoi-t,  and  not  for  mere  show- 
sake,  as  too  many  do. 

"  Dash  my  vig,  wot  men  I've  seen  in  the  'unting-field ! 
men  without  the  slightest  notion  of  'unting,  but  who 
think  it  right  to  try  if  they  like  it,  jest  as  they  would 
try  smokin'  or  eaten'  olives  after  dinner. 

"'You  should  get  a  red  coat,  and  join  the  'unt,'  says 
a  yoimg  gen'leman's  old  aunt ;  and  forthwith  our  hero 
orders  two  coats  of  the  newest  cut,  five  pair  of  spurs, 
ten  pair  of  Ijreeches,  twenty  pair  of  boots,  waistcoats  of 
every  cut  and  figure,  a  bimch  of  whips,  diachulum 
drawers,  a  cigar-case  for  his  pocket,  a  pocket  si]jhonia, 
a  sandwich-case  for  one  side,  and  a  shoe-case  for  t'other, 
and  keeps  a  hair-bed  afloat  agin  he  comes  'ome  with  a 
broken  leg.     (Laughter  and  applause.) 

"  But  I  lose  my  patience  thinkin'  o'  sich  fools.  If  it 
wam't  that  among  those  who  annually  take  the  field, 
and  are  choked  oft"  by  the  expense,  there  are  ingenious 
youths  who,  with  proper  handlin',  might  make  good 
sportsmen  and  waluable  payin'  subscribers,  I'd  wesh  my 
'ands  of  sich  rubbish  altogether.  If  any  such,  there  be 
within  the  limits  of  this  well-filled  room,  let  him  open 
wide  his  hears,  and  I  will  teach  him,  not  only  how  to  do 
the  trick,  but  to  do  it  as  if  he  had  been  at  it  all  his  life, 
and  at  werry  little  cost.  Let  him  now  pull  out  his  new 
purchase,  and  learn  to  ride  one  'oss  afore  he  keeps  two. 
We  will  now  jog  together  to  the  meet.  Ajid  mark  !  it's 
only  buoys  in  jackets  and  trousers  that  are  out  for  the 
first  time. — Yiskers,  boots,  and  breeches,  are  'sposed  to 
come  from  another  country.  First  we  must  ch-ess  om* 
sportsman ; — no  black  trousers  crammed  into  top-boots 
—no  white  ducks  shaped  over  the  foot,  or  fur-caps 
cocked  jauntily  on  the  'ead; — real  propriety,  and  no 
mistake ! 

"That  great  man,  Mr.  Delme  Ratcliffe,  says  in  his 
interestin  blue-book, '  that  there's  nothin'  more  snobbish 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  317 

than  a  black  tye  with  top-hoots.'  It  was  a  werry  clever 
remark,  and  an  enlargement  of  Mr.  Hood's  idea  of  no 
one  ever  havin'  seen  a  sailor  i'  top  boots.  Bishops' 
boots  Mr.  Ratcliffe  also  coudeinued,  and  spoke  highly 
in  favour  of  tops  cleaned  with  champagne  and  abricot 
jam.  'Hoganys,  "owever,  are  now  all  tlie  go,  and  the 
darker  the  colovu-,  the  keener  the  wearer  expects  to  be 
thought.  I  saw  a  pair  i'  the  Cut-me-Downs  last  year 
that  were  nearly  black. 

"  Leather-breeches  Mr.  Ratclifie  spoke  kindly  of,  but 
unless  a  man  has  a  good  many  servants,  lie  had  better 
liave  them  cleanin'  his  'oss  than  cleanin'  liis  breeches. 
Leathers  are  weri-y  expensive,  though  there's  a  deal  of 
wear  i'  them.  I  have  a  pair  that  were  made  by  White  o' 
Tarporley,  in  George  the  Third's  reign,  and  though  the 
cut  is  suinmut  altered,  the  constitution  of  them  remains 
intact.  In  tliose  days  it  was  the  fashion  to  have  them 
so  tiglit  that  men  used  to  be  slung  into  them  by  piilleys 
from  their  ceilings ;  and  a  fashionable  man,  wi-itin'  to 
his  tailor  for  a  pair,  added  this  caution,  '  Mind,  if  I  can 
get  into  them,  I  won't  have  them.'  Leathers  were  once 
all  the  go  for  street-work,  and  werry  'andsome  they 
looked. 

"  I've  heard  a  story,  that  when  George  the  Fourth  was 
Prince,  a  swell  coveted  the  style  of  his  leathers  so  much 
that  he  bribed  the  Prince's  valet  largely  for  the  recipe. 
'  You  shall  have  it,'  said  the  man,  pocketin'  the  coin, 
and  lookin'  werry  wise  ;  '  the  fact  is,'  added  he,  '  the  way 
liis  Royal  'iglmess's  royal  unmentionables  look  so  well 
is,  l>ecau8e  his  Royal  'Ighness  sleeps  in  them.'"  ("Haw, 
haw,  haw,"  gi-unted  Mr.  Jorrocks,  in  company  with 
several  of  his  audience.)  "  Some  chaps  affect  the  dark 
cords  ;l8  well  as  the  'hogany  boots,  but  there's  as  much 
liaffectation  i'  one  as  tlie  other.  Blow  me  tight,  if  it 
weren't  for  tlie  bright  colours  there  woiddu't  be  many 
fox-'untere. 

"  The  custom  of  riding  in  scarlet  is  one  it  becomes 
me  to  Hjieak  upon  ;— 1  do<'sii't  know  nothin'  aV)out  the 
hanti<niily  of  it,  or  wlictluT  .JuliiiH  Caesar,  or  iuiy  other 
of  those  anticnt  cov'u'h,  HpoK<'il  it  or  not;  Imt.  liko  most 
subjects,  a  good  deal  iiuiy  be  said  on  liotli  sidt's  of  the 
question.  There's  no  doubt  it's  a  good  colour  for  wear, 
and  thiit  it  t^mds  to  tlie  general  ])roiuotion  of  fox- 
'unting,  seeing  that  two-tliinlH  of  the  men  wot  come  out 
and  HuhH<'ril>e  wonldn'i  ilo  ho  if  they  liad  to  ri<le  in 
bhu'k.  Still,  I  tliink  ing<'nuouH  youth  should  not  be 
I)ennitted  to  wear  it  at  startin',  for  a  sctu-let  coat  in  the 


318  HANPLEY  CROSS 

distance,  tliouq-li  chock  full  of  hipfnorance,  is  quite  as 
allurin'  as  when  it  encloses  the  most  experienced 
si)ortsman. 

"  I  remembers  diniii'  at  a  conwivial  party  in  Ivoudon, 
where  there  was  a  wery  pleasant  fat  '  M.  F.  H.,'  who  tolil 
a  story  of  what  'appened  to  him  in  the  New  Forest. 
This,  I  need  scarcely  say,  is  a  great  wood  of  many  thou- 
sand hacres  (a  hundi'ed  thousand  p'raps),  and  unless  a 
man  looks  sharp,  and  keeps  near  the  'ounds,  he  stands  a 
wen-y  good  chance  of  losin'  of  them.  "Well,  it  so  'ap- 
pened that  this  'ere  fat  genTmau  did  lose  them,  and 
castin'  about  he  saw  a  red  coat  flyin'  over  a  flight  o'  rails 
i'  the  distance.  In  course  he  made  for  it,  but  afore  he 
got  up,  what  was  his  axtonishment  at  seein'  red-coat  pull 
up  and  charge  back!  He  found  the  gen'l'man  knew 
nothin'  about  the  'ounds,  and  was  gettin'  on  capital 
without  them. 

"A  Yorkshire  frind  o'  mine  went  to  a  union  'unt, 
where  men  from  three  countries  attended. — The  field 
was  frightful !  Three  'luidred  and  fifty  'ossmen,  all 
determined  to  ride,  and  as  jealous  as  cats.  Now  my 
frind  being  a  true-born  Briton,  and  not  to  be  made  to 
ride  over  nothin'  on  compulsion,  started  away  in  quite  a 
different  line  to  wot  the  fox  broke,  followed  by  an 
'underd  'ossmen,  or  more.  The  'arder  he  went,  the 
'arder  they  rode,  and  fearin'  he  might  fall,  and  be  flum- 
mox'd,  he  made  for  a  windmill  on  a  neighljouiing  'ill, 
and  stuck  his  'oss's  tail  to  the  sails. 

"  Up  came  his  followers,  puflin'  and  blowin'  like  so 
many  gi-ampuses.  '  Yich  vay  ?  vich  vay  ?  vich  vay  are 
th'  'ounds  gone  ?  '  gasped  they. 

"  '  'Ounds  ! '  exclaimed  my  frind ;  '  I've  been  ridin' 
away  from  you  all  the  time;  'ounds  be  gone  t'other 
way  ?  ' "  ("  Haw,  haw,  haw !  "  a  laugh  in  which  the  whole 
room  joined,  till  the  mirth  got  up  into  a  roar,  which 
Mr.  JoiTOcks  availed  himself  of  to  pay  his  respects  to  a 
stiif  tumbler  of  brandy  and  water  that  now  began  to 
send  f oi-th  its  fragrance  from  the  table  at  the  rear  of  the 
platform.) 

Smacking  his  lips,  he  thus  resumed — 

"  So  much  for  the  force  of  example,  gen'lemen ;  —had 
my  frind  been  in  black,  the  crowd  wouldn't  have  come. 
Still  the  coloui''s  good,  and  it  ar'n't  the  use,  but  the 
abuse,  that  I  complains  on.  For  my  part  I  likes  a  good 
roomy  red  rag,  that  one  can  jump  in  and  out  of  with 
ease.  These  fine  tight  things,"  continued  he,  taking 
hold  of  his  sky-blue  coat,  lined  with  pink  silk,  and  looking 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  319 

at  his  cauary-coloiired  sliorts,  "ai'e  all  well  enougli  for 
dancin'  in,  but  for  real  scrimmagin'  out-door  work, 
there's  notliin'  like  room  and  flannel; — good  long-backed 
coats,  with  the  waistcoat  made  equally  warm  all  round, 
and  the  back  to  come  down  in  a  flap,  and  plenty  of  good 
well-lined  laps  to  wi*ap  over  one's  thighs  when  it  rains." — 
Ml-.  Jorrocks  suiting  the  action  to  the  word,  and 
describing  the  cut  of  each  article  as  he  went  on.  "  Berlin 
gloves  are  capital  for  'unting  in,''  continued  he  ;  "  they 
keep  your  'ands  warm,  and  do  to  rub  your  nose  upon  in 
cold  weather. 

"  Youngsters  should  be  cautious  o'  spurs ; — they  may 
use  them  wot  is  called  incontinently,  and  get  into  grief. 
I  disagree  with  Geoffi-y  Gambado,  who  recommends  the 
free  use  of  them,  as  tendin'  to  keep  the  blood  in  circiila- 
tion,  and  preventin'  one's  toes  catchin'  cold.  He 
recommends  spurrin'  i'  the  shoidder,  where  he  says  an 
'oss  has  most  feelin',  because  he  has  most  weins ;  adding, 
that  by  8i)ui-rin'  at  his  body,  five  times  in  six  your 
labour  is  lost ;  for  if  you  are  a  short  man,  you  spur  the 
saddle-cloth  only ;  if  a  leggy  one,  you  never  touch  him  at 
all ;  and  if  middlin',  the  rider  wears  out  his  own  girths, 
without  the  'oss  being  a  bit  the  better  for  it ;  but  my 
own  opinion  is,  that  the  less  ingenuous  youth  uses  them 
the  }>etter. 

"A  slight  knowlege  o'  farmin'  promotes  the  true 
enjoyment  of  the  chase.  What  «<>  'umiliatin'  as  to  see  a 
l>ig  farmer  bullyin'  a  little  man  in  leather  and  scarlet  for 
ridin'  over  his  seeds,  when  the  innocent  is  ignorant  of 
liavin'  done  nothin'  o'  the  sort.  Seeds,  my  beloved 
earers,  are  what  grcnv  in  clover,  or  new-land  hay  ;  they 
come  hup  arter  the  coni-crop.  and  when  that  is  reaped, 
if  an  iiu|uiring  sportsman  will  examine  the  ground,  he 
will  see  little  green  iierljs,  like  crow's  feet,  shooting  hup 
'mong  the  stubble,  which  rear  themselves  into  stalks 
with  expandin'  leaves !  and  those  glorious  pink  and 
whit*;  balls,  called  clover,  wot  smell  so  fragrantly  as  one 
loit<!rH  i)enHively  along  ihf;  shady  diisly  lauos. 

"  Now,  if  the  ii'on-shod  'iint4;r  carecirH  overthese  young 
and  tender  plants,  Icavin'  his  cojjyright  behind  him,  and 
it  comes  wet  shortly  ai't«'r,  the  standin'  walfr  perishes 
the  plants,  and  leaves  the  farmer  to  wat^r  his  bed  with 
tears  and  lamentation.     Oh,  miseral>l«*  bniich-clod  ! 

"So  it  is  with  wheat.  If  you  see  a  field  nicely  laid 
away,  the  surface  all  smooth,  and  the  furrows  all  ojien, 
you  may  conclude  that  is  wheat,  even  though  thr;  ten<ler 
green  blades — the  promissoi-y  notfjs  of  life's  comin'  year. 


820  HANDl.EY   CROSS 

are  not  yet  ap]:»aTent.  Some  labour  'ard  to  make  them- 
selves believe  that  it  increases  the  crop  to  ride  over  it, 
and  many  a  liars'ument  I've  held  with  farmers  in  favour 
of  that  position  myself,  but  no  man,  who  treats  himself 
to  a  little  undisguised  truth,  can  make  himself  believe 
so,  unless,  indeed,  he  is  satisfied  that  a  drove  of  hoxen 
woiTld  improve  the  prospects  of  a  tiower-f^arden  by 
passin'  a  night  in  frolicsome  diwersion.  The  wheat-field 
is  the  farmer's  flower-garden ! — It  is  to  it  that  he  looks 
for  the  means  of  payin'  his  rent,  and  giving  hishamiable 
wife  and  accomplished  darters  a  new  piannet,  and  a 
scarlet  welwet  bonnet  a-piece,  with  a  black  feather 
drooping  over  the  left  hear  (Mr.  JoiTOcks  looking  slyly 
at  Mrs.  J.  as  he  said  this) ;  and  young  and  heedless 
men,  if  even  they  have  no  compassion  on  the  old  cock- 
farmer,  should  think  what  distress  they  will  cause  to  the 
hens  if  they  lose  their  scarlet  welwet  bonnets  with  the 
appurtenances.  Some  wags  say  that  wheat  is  called  'ard 
corn,  because  it  stands  a  wast  of  ridin'  over;  but  I 
maintains  that  it  no  more  means  that,  than  that  'ard- 
money  currency  means  '  money  'ard  to  get  at,' — or  that 
an  'ard  rider  means  a  man  wot  will  trot  dovm  'Olborn 
'ill  on  a  frosty  Imornin'.  Let  every  feelin'  man,  then, 
consider,  when  he  is  about  to  ride  over  wheat,  that  he  is 
about  to  trample  under  foot  scarlet  welwet  bonnets,  and 
with  them  the  farmer's  darters'  best  and  tenderest  'opes. 

"  And  here  let  me  observe,  that  I  cannot  help  thinkin' 
that  that  celebrated  man.  Gambado,  has  been  the 
unconscious  means  of  many  a  field  of  wheat  being 
trampled  down.  When  such  great  men  talk  lightly  ona 
subject,  little  minds  catch  the  infection,  and  far  outstrip 
the  author's  most  sanguinary  conceptions. 

"  Speaking  in  laudatory  terms  of  the  merits  of  the 
dray  'oss — merits  that  no  one  will  deny — Gambado  talks 
of  the  figure  they  are  calculated  to  make  on  the  i-oad  or 
in  the  field.  '  Scarce  any  of  them,'  says  he,  '  but  is 
master  of  thirty  stone  and  hupwards ! '  (Roars  of 
laughter.)  '  What  a  sublime  scene  would  it  be,' 
continues  he,  'to  see  fourscore  or  a  'vmdred  of  these 
hanimals  on  the  full  stretch  over  a  piece  of  wheat,  to 
catch  sight  of  an  'oimd  ! '     (Roars  of  laughter.) 

"Gentlemen,"  continued  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  looking  very 
irate,  "  I'm  sorry  for  yoiu*  mirth — (hisses  and  laughter) — 
shocked  at  your  immorality,  in  fact ! — Dash  my  vig  if  I 
arn't!  "     (Renewed  laugliter  and  cheers.) 

"  Such  undecent  niirtli  would  disgrace  a  Cockney !  A 
Cocloiey  looks  upon  a  fanner  as  an  inferior  crittur !— a 


ANOTHER   SPORTING   LECTOR  321 

sort  of  domestic  conwict.  transported  far  beyond  tlie 
bills  o'  mortality,  and  condemned  to  wander  in  'eavy 
'ob-nailed  shoes  amid  eternal  bacres  o'  dirt  and  dandy- 
lions.  I  'opes  such  is  not  yom-  opinion. — (Loud  cries  of 
'*  No,  no,"  and  cheei-s.)  I'm  glad  sich  wickecbiess  finds  no 
response  here."  Mi-.  Joirocks  again  retired,  and  recom- 
posed  himself  with  another  draiif^ht  of  brandy  and  water. 


"Now,"  said  he,  licking  his  lips,  as  he  retiu-ned  to  the 
front  of  the  platform ;  "  let  ingenuous  youth  suppose 
himself  at  the  meet,  and  that  he  has  been  presented  to 
the  M.F.H.,  to  whom  the  greatest  respect  and  reverence 
should  always  be  paid,  for  there's  no  man  to  compare 
to  him  i'  point  o"  greatness.  The  meet  is  the  place  for 
lettin'  off  the  f  ulminatin'  balls  of  wit ;  but  unless  young 
green'om  be  a  tolerably  jawbacious  sort  of  chap,  he  had 
better  be  a  listener  at  first.  There  are  a  few  stock  jokes 
tliat  do  for  any  country,  the  ready  appliance  of  which 
stamps  the  user  as  a  wag  or  a  s]>ortsman  among  those 
who  don't  know  no  better.  '  Dear  sir,'  says  one  man  to 
another,  ridin'  a  wite-faced  'oss,  'I  fears  your  nag  is 
weiTV  bad ! ' 

"'  Ow  so?'  in(iuires  t'other,  all  alarm. 

Vy.  he's  all  vite  in  the  face ! '    ("  Haw !  haw !  haw !  ") 
Yours  is  an  expensive  nag,  I  see,'  observes  a  second. 
'  Not  more  than  otlier  peoijle's,'  is  the  answer. 

" '  Yes,  he  is ;  for  I  see  he  wears  boots  as  well  as  shoes,' 
pointing  to  speedy-cut  boots. 

"  '  'Ave  I  lost  a  shoe  in  coming  ? '  inquires  a  gentleman, 
wli<»  with  a  late  start  has  come  in  a  liurry. 

'"Tliey're  not  all  on  before!'  exchiims  half-a-dozen 
woices,  rea<ly  with  the  joke. 

"'Does  you're  mother  know  you  are  out?'  is  a  familiar 
inquii-y  that  may  be  satV'ly  liaziirded  to  a  biinij)lit)iis  l)oy 
in  a  ja<;ket.  'More  dirt  tlie  h-ss  IiiirtI'  is  a  ])l('asant 
piece  o'  consolation  for  a  frifnd  witli  a  mud  iiiaHk  ;  and 
'One  at  a  time,  ;ind  it  will  last  the  longer!'  is  a  l<uowin* 
exclamation  to  makt;  to  a  hundred  and  fifty  friends 
waiting  for  their  turns  at  an  'unting-wickct.  '  ( )ver  you 
go;  the  longer  you  lof)k  the  Icsh  you'll  like  il  ! '  niiiy  be 
'ollo'd  to  a  friend  lookin'  long  at  a  fence,  'ilurry  no 
man's  cuttle!  you  may  keep  a  ddukey  yourself  Home 
day  I '  is  the  answer  to  tlie  last.  When  y<ju  see  a  lawyer 
floored,  sing  out.  'There's  an  'oss  a  layin'  down  the  law!' 
If  a chaj)  axes  if  your  nag  will  jump  timber,  say,  '  He'll 
leap  over  your  'ead.'     Tln'se.  and  sich  as  these,  are  your 

Y 


322  HANDLKY   CROSS 

tickets  for  soup,  as  the  cook  said  when  she  hasted  the 
scullion  with  the  hex-tail !     (Loud  lauj^hter.) 

"Flattery  is  easier  accomplished  than  wit,  and  the 
meet  is  a  place  where  Ijutter,  with  a  little  knowledge, 
will  go  a  long  way.  All  masters  of  'ounds  like  praise. 
Some  are  so  fond  on  it,  that  they  butter  themselves.  If 
you  see  'ounds'  ribs,  and  their  loins  are  well  filled,  and 
flanks  hollow,  you  may  say  they  look  like  their  work ;  if 
they're  fat,  say  they  are  werry  even  in  condition ;  if  lean, 
that  they  look  like  goin'  a  b\ist ;  if  jest  noways  in  'ticklar, 
you  can't  get  wrong  if  you  say  yoii  never  saw  a  nicer  lot. 
If  you  see  some  with  cli^js  on  the  hears,  or  along  the 
backs,  you  may  conclude  they  are  new  comers,  and  ax 
where  they  are  fi-om.  Rich  coloiu-ed  'ounds  you  may 
liken  to  the  Belvoir,  and  then  you  can  talk  of  Goodhall 
and  Guider,  or  of  the  Quorn  Trueman,  or  even  go  back 
as  far  as  Fui-rier  and  Hosbaldeston ;  and  swear  you  never 
saw  sich  legs  and  feet ;  in  short,  let  legs  and  feet,  or  legs 
and  loins,  be  the  biu-then  of  your  song.  Beware  of  callin' 
'ounds  dogs,  or  steras  tails.  Sich  a  sliji  would  make  the 
M.F.H.  tiu-n  tail  on  you  directly. 

"  It  looks  werry  knowin'  to  take  a  bit  o'  bisciiit  out  of 
your  pocket,  as  you  are  lookin'  over  the  'ounds,  and 
make  them  rise  on  their  hind  legs  to  receive  it,  while  yol^ 
scrutinise  them  weiTy  attentively.  This  is  a  most  sci- 
entific proceedin'  and  will  immediately  stamp  you  as  a 
weiTy  knowin'  'and,  if  not  for  an  M.F.H.  himself.  Still 
let  your  talk  be  of  legs  and  loins,  with  an  occasional 
mention  of  helbows  and  shouldei's.  Perfection !  sym- 
metry !  'andsome !  level !  bone !  breedin' !  condition !  Lord 
'Enry !  Sir  Richard,  Sir  Tatton,  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  —  are 
terms  that  may  be  thrown  in  at  random,  jest  as  the 
butter  seems  to  go  down.  If,  however,  ingenuous  youth's 
afraid  o'  bein'  tempted  out  of  his  depth,  it's  a  safe  wentur 
to  look  wen-y  approvinly  at  the  pack  generally,  and  then 
say  that  '  they're  larger  nor  some  he  has  seen,  and  not 
so  large  as  others.'  (Laughter.)  In  sayin'  this,  it  may 
p'raps  be  well  jest  to  feel  his  'oss  with  the  spur,  so  as  to 
make  him  wince,  which  will  give  liim  an  excuse  for  with- 
drawin'  on  the  score  o'  being  afear'd  o'  kickiu'  the  'ounds, 
and  save  him  from  Ijein'  axed  to  name  the  larger  or 
smaller  packs  he's  seen,  which  might  be  inconwenient. 

"'Untsmen  are  either  'eaven-born  or  hidiots — there's 
no  medium.  Every  schoolboy  can  criticise  their  per- 
formance. It's  'stonishin'  how  quickly  'untsmen  are 
run  up  and  down,  jest  like  the  funds,  with  the  bulls 
and  the  bears.    As  no  M.F.H.  keeps  what  he  considers  a 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  323 

fool,  it  may  be  well  to  commence  in  tte  soapy  line ;  for 
even  though  a  master  may  abuse  a  sei-vant  himself,  he 
may  not  fancy  his  field  doing  so  too. 

"  At  the  meet,  every  man's  time  is  accordin'  to  his  own 
conwenience.  Should  he  have  been  too  early,  the  'ounds 
have  come  late ;  and  should  he  be  late,  the  'ounds  were 
there  afore  their  time.  The  last  man  always  says  that 
there's  no  one  else  comin',  as  in  course  he  does  not  see 
the  wit  of  waitin'  after  he  an-ives. 

"Among  the  many  followers  of  the  chase,  there  be 
some  men  wot  start  with  wot  seems  like  a  good  mould- 
candle  passion  for  the  chase,  Vnit,  somehow  or  other, 
after  a  few  seasons,  it  simmers  down  to  little  better  nor 
a  fardin'  inislilight.  After  the  first  brush  of  the  thing 
is  over,  they  begin  to  economise  their  'osses  in  November, 
that  they  may  have  them  fresh  about  Christmas ;  or  they 
don't  work  them  mucdi  in  February,  as  they  wish  to  save 
a  couple  to  take  to  town  in  the  spring ;  or  tool  their 
missesses  about  in  the  Booby  Hutch.  Ven  I  hear  chaps 
talk  this  way,  I  always  reckon  upon  seein'  their  coats 
nail  in'  the  happle-trees  iip  afore  long. 

"  Some  are  much  greater  'oss  coddles  than  others. 
When  Tat  wrote  to  Ferguson  to  know  vot  he  wanted 
for  'Arkaway,  and  whether  the  'oss  was  in  work, 
Ferguson  replied,  *  The  price  of  'Arkaway  is  six  thou- 
sand guineas,  and  I  'imts  him  twice  and  thrice  a-week  ! ' 
(roars  of  laughter). 

"  Some  men  keep  sei^vants  to  be  their  masters. 

" '  I  shall  ride  the  roan,  to-moiTOw,  Jones,'  says  a 
gen'leinan  to  his  grum. 

"'Can't,  sir;  just  given  him  a  dose  o'  physic' 

" '  Well,  then,  the  black.  He's  not  been  out  since 
yesterday  week.' 

" '  His  turn's  not  till  Toosday.' 

" '  Oh,  never  mind !     Just  let  me  have  a  look  at  him.' 
Can't.     Stable's  done  up— not  to  be  hopen  till  four ; 
HO  mizzle,  master.' 

"In  course  these  chaps  have  'igh  wages,"  continued 
Mr.  JoiTocks,  "  or  they  couldn't 'ave  such  himperence. 
They  are  the  bouys  wot  won't  let  their  iiiaKtcrs  buy 
'oHses  o'  men  o'  my  woracity  and  judgment,  unless  they 
'ave  their  '  reglers,'  five  per  cent,  on  the  i)rice,  or  as 
much  more  as  they  can  get.  A  man  wot  would  be 
master  of  his  stable,  must  never  consult  liis  grum  aliout 
a  quad.  C'onsulf  'ini  forsooth!"  (^xclainied  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks.  '■  Wliy,  (Ik-ic  is  not  one  gniin  i'  fifty  tliat  Kiiowr 
when  an  'oss  he  lias  the  care  on  is  lame.     They'll  go 


324  HANDLKY   CROSS 

sloiicliiii'  to  cover  on  'esses  that  their  masters  pronounce 
lame  the  moment  they  mount.  A  man  witli  a  strong' 
houy  and  a.  liash-plant  is  generally  master  of  his  stud ;  a 
master  witli  a,  l)Ouy  and  no  ]iasli-])lant  is  like  a  tiddle 
without  a  stick. 

"  More  'osses  are  ruined  from  want  o'  work  than  from 
the  excess  on't.  Take  a  season  through,  and  'ow  weiTy 
few  days  there  are  on  which  there  is  really  anything  for 
gen'lemen's  'osses  to  do ;  though,  to  be  sure,  such  days 
generally  come  in  a  heap ;  yet,  as  no  one  can  say  how 
long  a  run  o'  luck  v/ill  last,  my  adwice  is,  to  keep  goin' 
as  long  as  ever  you  can.  A  man  can  get  but  six  days 
a-week  if  he  labours  ever  so,  and  there  are  weiTy  few 
wot  wovild  not  rayther  have  four,  or  maylje  two.  The 
flash  o'  ridin'  long  distances  to  meet  one  pack  of  'ounds. 
when  another's  at  'and,  arises  from  the  pleasure  of 
sportin'  a  red  coat  through  a  longer  line  o'  country,  and 
vinkin'  at  the  gals  on  tlie  road,  or  from  a  desire  to  be 
talked  of  as  havin'  done  so,  and  as  being  werry  keen 
'ands.    I  generally  find  them  werry  great  fools  ! 

"  There  is  another  way  that  would-be  sportsmen  have 
of  sliowiu'  their  keenness.  Durin'  a  storm  it  is  not 
unusual  for  the  M.F.H.  to  advertise  that  th'  'ounds  will 
meet  at  the  kennel  the  first  day  the  weather  permits. 
Well,  as  soon  as  ever  the  eves  begin  to  drop,  the  woiild- 
be's  put  on  their  red  coats  and  go  to  the  kennel,  con- 
tiuuin'  the  process  day  after  day  until  the  thaw  really 
aiTives ;  they  throw  up,  and  swear  they  von't  'unt  with 
him  any  more. 

" '  Not  hung  yourself  yet,  Gilliespie  ?  '  suitin'  the 
haction  to  the  word  l)y  feelin'  yom-  neck  and  cockin' 
your  tliumb  under  your  hear,  is  a  fine  sportin'  inteiTo- 
gatory  to  put  to  a  f rind  in  the  street  durin'  a  frost.  AU 
these  mendacious  means  let  ingenuous  youth  despise. 
It's  one  thin'  to  cover  your  h  ignorance  and  another  to 
help  you  to  imperance.    I  does  the  former  only. 

"And  now,"  continued  the  worthy  lecturer,  casting 
his  eyes  up  to  his  canopied  curtain,  as  he  jingled  the 
silver  in  his  canary-coloured  shorts,  "  And  now,  if  I  had 
a  few  words  'bout  cost,  'bout  old  £  *.  </.,  I  think  I'd  be 
ready  for  a  start.  The  cost  of  'unting,  my  beloved 
'earers,  like  all  other  things,  depends  a'most  entirely  on 
'ow  you  go  about  it.  The  only  really  indispensable  out- 
lay is  the  subscrijition  to  the  'ounds,  which  ought 
always  to  be  i)aid  ])unctual  in  adwance,  jest  like  you 
'ave  to  jjay  the  stakes  at  a  race.  Whoever  wants,  the 
M.F.H.  should  be  paid.     Prudence  and  'conomy  are  all 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  325 

right  and  proper  in  everything  'cept  'unting-.  For 
'nnting  there  must  be  a  liberal  outlay,  and  no  griimlilin'. 
Mus'nt  do  like  dirty  Harry  Tight,  who,  when  Fleecy 
axed  wot  he  would  subscribe  to  my  'ounds,  exclaimed, 
'  Subscribe !  I  wouldn't  insult  Mr.  Jorrocks  by  oiferin' 
of  him  money  1 '  "  (Laughter  and  hisses.)  "  Insult," 
exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  looking  very  irate,  "jest  as  if 
I  was  a  likely  man  to  be  insiilted  with  the  hofPer  of 
money.  Much  more  likely  to  insult  'im  for  not  offerin' 
it."    (Laughter  and  applause.) 

"Well,  then,  the  requirements  o'  the  master  bein' 
satisfied,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  buttoning  i;p  and 
slapping  his  breeches'-pocket,  "  let  ingenuous  youth  turn 
his  'tention  to  the  stable.  It's  no  use  givin'  a  publican 
and  sinner  a  guinea  or  five-and-twenty  shillings  a-week 
for  keepin'  your  quadrupeds,  when  you  can  rent  a  stable 
and  keep  them  yourself  for  ten  or  twelve  shillin'. 
There's  not  even  the  benefit  of  any  flash  i'  the  thing, 
wliich  is  wot  moves  many  men  to  the  'oiTors  o'the  chase. 
Still  less  use  is  it  wastin'  your  substance  on  old  Bonny- 
face's  'ouse,  with  his  sixpenny  In-eakfasts  for  'alf-a- 
crown,  and  dinners  i'  lilce  proportion,  when  you  can  get 
a  coinfey  runiph  lodgin'  and  find  yourself  for  'alf  or  a 
third  o'  the  money.  There  are  no  people  want  piittin' 
to  rights  so  much  as  the  innkeepers.  Kiver  'acks  are  all 
gamnion  fur  men  wi'  short  studs.  An  'ack  can  do 
nothin  but  'ack,  while  he  will  cost  as  much  as  a  third 
'o.ss  wot  will  hotli  'ack  and  'unt.  Let  ingenuous  youth 
then  learn  to  dispense  with  the  useless  appendage.  I 
often  til  ink,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks  musingly,  "  that 
it  would  Vie  a  capital  thing  to  pass  ingenuous  youth 
generally  through  a  sort  of  Chobham  camp  to  leam  'em 
wot  they  can  really  do  without. 

"Ingenuous  youth,  'aving  now  got  all  the  implements 
o'the  chase  scraijed  tog(;ther,  and  the  early  rains  of  dear 
delightful  Noveniljer  — the  best  and  plisantest  month  i' 
the  year — 'aving  well  salivated  the  ground,  forthwith  let 
'im  put  all  my  jirecepts  in  pia(ti<(',  i'stead  o'  snfakin'  olf 
to  Boulogne  or  P.iris  for  tin-  winter,  arter  talkin'  'bout 
the  dflightH  of  'unting  nil  Ok'  summer. 

Time  trieth  troth,'  says  the  provorl>,  '  but  Ncncmlier 
trieth  truth  '  i'  the  'unting  line,  and  men  that  don't  like 
'unting,  had  mucli  better  not  give  thcm.selvrjH  the  tro\ible 
of  pretendin'  they  do,  for  they'n;  sun;  to  bo  found  out, 
and  ];ranil»'d  foi-  'unilnigH  for  their  f  rouble  It's  a  worry 
mm  thing  'ow  few  men  there  are  who  candidly  say  they 
don't  like  it.     They've  all  been  keen  sportsmen  at  some 


32fi  HANDLET   CROSS 

time  or  other  o'  their  lives.  Every  man,"  continued  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  seiitentiously,  "wot  prefers  his  'ealth  to  the 
interests  o'  the  seidletz  pooder  makers,  will  get  as  much 
'imting  as  ever  he  can  afore  Christmas."  (Great  laughter 
and  applause.)  "  So  now  let's  be  doin' ! "  added  he,  rubbing 
his  elbows  against  liis  sides  as  if  anxious  for  the  fray. 

"  Let  us  s'pose  the  last,  last  f  lunigatin'  piece  o'  conceit 
has  cast  up,  and  the  M.F.H.  gives  the  hoffice  to  the 
'untsman  to  throw  off.  'Osses'  'eads  tium  one  way,  th' 
'ounds  bi'isk  up  at  the  move,  the  coffee-room  breaks  up, 
frinds  pair  off  to  can-y  out  jokes,  while  the  foot  people 
fly  to  the  'ills,  and  the  Vjald-'eaded  keeper  stands  'at  in 
'and  at  the  gate,  to  let  th'  'ounds  into  cover. 

" '  Eleu  in  ! '  at  length  cries  the  'untsman,  with  a  wave 
of  his  'and,  and  in  an  instant  his  'osses'  'eels  are  deserted. 
The  vipper-in  has  scuttled  rovmd  the  cover,  and  his  rate 
and  crack  are  'card  on  the  far  side.  '  Gently,  Conqueror ! 
Conqueror,  have  a  care !    Ware  are !  ware  are ! ' " 

Here  Mr.  Jorrocks  paused,  apparently  for  the  purpose 
of  recollecting  something. 

"  There's  a  bit  o'  potry  due  here,"  observed  he ;  "  but 
somehow  or  other  it  von't  come  to  halloo ! 

'  Great,  glorious,  and  free, 
First  flower  o'  the  hocean,  first '  " 

continued  he.  "  No,  that  von't  do,  that  was  old  Dan's 
dodge.  Yet  it's  somethin'  like  that,  too ;  can  no  one 
help  me  ?    Ah,  I  have  it : — 

'Delightful  sceue! 
When  all  around  is  gay,  men,  'osses,  dogs ; 
And  in  each  sniilin'  countenance  appears 
Fresh  bloomin'  'ealth,  and  uniwersal  joy.' 

"  And  yet  that's  not  exactly  the  place  it  should  have 
come  in  at  nouther,"  observed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  recollecting 
himself;  "that  scrap  is  meant  for  the  meet;  throwin' 
off  is  thus  described  by  Peter  Beckford,  or  some  other 
gen'l'man  wot  described  it  to  him.  Howsomever  it  von't  do 
to  waste  a  cotation,  so  you  can  jest  joggle  t'other  one  back 
in  your  minds  to  the  right  place.    This  is  throwin'  off: — 

'  See  !  'ow  they  range 
Dispersed,  'ow  bu.sily  this  way  and  that, 
They  cross,  exaiuinin'  with  curious  nose 
Each  likely  'aunt.    'Ark  !  on  the  drag  I  'ear 
Their  doubtful  notes,  preludiii'  to  a  cry 
More  uobly  full,  and  swelled  with  e .  iry  mouth.' 

"  Now  that's  poetry  and  sense  too,"  observed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, smacking  his  lips,  "which  is  more  than  poetry 


ANOTHEB   SPORTING  LECTOR  327 

always  is ;  for  a  poet,  you  see,  lias  to  measure  liis  words, 
and  wen-y  often  the  one  that  would  best  express  vot  he 
vonts  von't  fit  in  with  t'others,  so  he's  obliged  to  halter 
his  meanin'  altogether,  or  mount  a  lame  steed.  For  my 
pai-t  I  likes  prose  Ijest,  and  I  reckon  Peter's  prose  better 
nor  most  men's  werse.  Hear  'ow  he  finds  his  fox."  Mr. 
JoiTocks  then  took  his  newly-bound  Beckford  from  the 
table  at  the  Imck  of  the  platfonn,  and  read  as  follows  :— 

'• '  'Ow  musical  their  tongues !  And  as  they  get  near 
to  him,  'ow  the  chorus  fills  !  'Ark  !  he  is  found.  Now, 
vere  are  all  yom-  soitows  and  your  cares,  ye  gloomy 
souls!  or  where  your  pains  and  aches,  ye  complainin' 
ones!  one  bolloo  has  dispelled  them  all.  Vot  a  crash 
they  make !  and  hecho  seeminly  takes  pleasiu-e  to  repeat 
the  sound.  The  'stonished  traveller  forsakes  his  road ; 
lured  by  its  melody,  the  listenin'  ploughman  now  stops 
his  plough,  and  every  distant  shepherd  neglects  his 
flock,  and  nins  to  see  liim  break.  Vot  joy!  vot 
heagemess  in  every  face  I ' 

"Now,"  said  Mr.  JoiTocks,  smacking  his  lips  again, 
"  that's  what  I  call  real  prime  stuff— the  concentrated 
essence  of  'untin'— the  XXX  of  sportin',  so  different 
from  the  wire-spun,  wishy-washy  yarns  of  modern 
penny-a-liners,  who  smother  their  meanin'  (if  they  have 
any)  in  words.  If  I've  read  Peter  once,  I've  read  him  a 
luindred  times,  and  yet  I  finds  somethin'  fresh  to  admire 
cvoi-y  time.  "Weraor  and  Hood,  Birchin  Lane,  published 
this  edition  in  179(5;  and  on  the  title-page  is  pasted  a 
hextract  from  a  newspaper  that  would  adoni  a  monu- 
ment. '  Monday,  Hth  March,  1811,  at  his  seat,  Stapleton, 
in  Dorsetshire,  Peter  Beckford,  Esq.,  aged  70.  Mr. 
Beckford  was  a  celel^rated  fox-'unter,  and  hauthor  of 
'  Letters  on  'imting.'  There's  an  inscription  for  a  marble 
monument!  '  Mull  am  in  parvo,'  as  Pomponius  Ego 
would  say.  Blow  me  tight!  but  I  never  looks  at  Billy 
Beckford  supplicatin'  the  king  on  liis  marble  monument 
in  Guildhall,  but  I  exclaims,  'Shak<>  Billy  from  his 
pedestiil  and  set  up  Peter ! '  "     (Hisses  and  applause.) 

"I  once  wrote  my  epitaph,  and  it  was  wen-y  short,— 

'  Hie  jacet  Jorrocks,' 

was  all  wot  I  said;  but  the  unlettered  'untsniau,  or 
maybe  M.F.H.,  might  pass  me  by,  jest  as  he  would  a  dead 
emperor.  Far  •lifferent  would  it  l>e  should  this  note 
follow,— 'Mr.  J.  was  a  celebrated  fox-hunter,  and  lectorer 
upon  'untiug.'  Then  wuidd  the  saunterin'  sjjortsman 
pause  as  he  passed,  and  drop  a  tribute  to  tlie  memory 


328 


HANDLBY  CROSS 


of  one  who  loved  the  chase  so  well.  But  I'm  gettin' 
l)rosaic  and  oft'  the  line.  Let  us  'ark  back  into  cover ! 
The  chase,  I  sinj^s  !     Let's  see. 

"  We  had  jest  found  our  fox.  Well,  then,  let's  at 
Peter  again,  for  there's  no  one  boils  one  hup  into  a 
gallop  like  him.  Here's  a  description  of  the  thief  o'  the 
world  afore  he  breaks.''    Mr.  Jorrocks  reads  : — 


■■^  ^^  i^CiUl 


"  AH  !    It'h   TA 


LLI-HO    HACK  ! 


Mark  'ow  he  i-iins  the  cover's  hutmost  limits,  yet 
dares  not  wentur  forth ;  the  'ounds  are  still  too  near ! 
That  check  is  lucky !  Now,  if  our  frinds  'ead  him  not, 
he  will  soon  be  off! 

"Talli-ho!"  screamed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  at  the  top  of 
his  voice.  '•  Dash  my  vig,  that's  the  cry  ! "  continued  he, 
holding  his  hand  in  the  air.     "  See  'ow  pale  the  gen'leman 


ANOTHER  SPORTING  LECTOR  329 

in  light  scarlet  and  bishop's  boots  is  tumin'.  and  liow 
deli{?hted  old  Jack  Rasper,  in  the  cut-aAvay  olive,  broad 
cords,  and  hoj^-anys  is  ;  his  low-cro^vned  'at's  in  the  hair, 
for  he  sees  the  warniLnt,  a  sight  more  glorious  nor  the 
lord  mayor's  show ;  yet  he  'oUoas  not !  Ah,  it's  talli-ho 
back !  The'  fox  is  'eaded  by  yon  puppy  in  purple, 
strikin'  a  light  on  the  pommel  of  his  saddle.  'Ope  he'll 
soon  be  sick !  Th'  'ounds  turn  shoit,  and  are  at  him 
again.  Have  at  him,  my  beauties !  Have  at  him,  my 
darlin's !  Have  at  him,  I  say !  Yonder  he  goes  at  t'other 
end  I — now  he's  away  I  Old  Rasper  has  him  again ! 
'  Talli-ho,  away  I '  he  cries.  The  old  low-crowned  'at's  in 
the  hair,  and  now  every  man  "oops  and  'oUoas  to  the 
amount  of  his  superscription.  Twang !  twang  !  twang ! 
goes  the  Percival ;  crack  I  crack  !  crack !  go  the  whips ; 
'ounds,  'osses,  and  men,  are  in  a  glorious  state  of 
excitement !    Full  o'  beans  and  benevolence !  " 

"  So  am  I,  my  beloved  'carers,"  observed  Mr.  Joirocks, 
aft«r  a  pause;  "  and  must  let  off  some  steam,  or  I  shall 
\xi  teachin'  you  to  over-ride  the  'ounds."  So  saying,  Mr. 
JoiTocks  retired  to  tlie  back  of  tlie  platfoi-m,  and  cooled 
himself  with  a  fresh  glass  of  hot  Ijrandy  and  water. 
Presently  he  rctiu-ned,  and  thus  resumed  his  discourse. 

"  Oil  I  my  Ix'loved  'earers.  if  I  liad  been  at  the  great 
Mr.  Pomponius  Hego's  lieDjow  when  in  descril)iu'  this 
critical  i>eriod  of  the  chase  he  penned  the  words,  '  go 
along,  there  are  three  couple  of  'ounds  on  the  scent.' 
I'd  ha'  seen  if  I  couldn't  ha'  got  liini  to  put  in  'now  'old 
your  jaws,  and  'old  'ard  !  and  let  em  settle  quietly  to  the 
scent.'  Believe  me,  my  beloved  'earers.  the  words  '  go 
along,  tliere  are  three  couple  of  'ounds  on  the  scent,' 
liave  lost  many  a  run  and  saved  the  life  of  uiany  a 
wamiint.  'Ow  I  likes  to  see  the  'ounds  come  cpiietly  out, 
settlin'  and  collectin'  together,  gradually  mending  tlieir 
pace  as  they  go,  till  tliey  brew  up  a  reg'hir  liust.  That's 
the  way  to  make  the  foxes  cry  '  Capevi ! ' "  added  he. 
(Laughter  and  applause.) 

"Here  let  me  hobserve,"'  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
"  that  it's  a  grand  tiling  for  ingenuous  youth  to  get  a 
view  of  the  wai-niint  at  startin'!  by  so  doing  he  gets  a 
sort  of  wested  int^^rest  in  the  fox,  and  rides  artor  liini  as 
he  wouldarter  a  tliiff  with  his  \val<li.  There's  a  knack 
in  doin' this,  and  some  uu-n  are  eleven-rat  it  than  oMiers, 
liut  half  the  l)attle  ronsists  in  not  being  Hurried — 
'  Yonder  he  gf^H !  yonder  he  goes!  Talli-ho!  talli-ho!' 
exclaim  a  do/.cn  people,  pointin'  different  ways  -  and 
hoarin'  that  a  fox  is  a  quick  travellin'  beast,  ingenuous 


330 


HANDLBY   CROSS 


youth  begins  to  look  some  ludf-a-mile  ahead ;  whereas  i£ 
the  people  were  to  cry  '  Here  he  is !  here  he  is  ! '  pointing 
doA\niwards,  Spooney  would  take  a  nearer  range,  and  see 
that  a  fox  travels  more  like  a  cat  nor  a  crow.  Polks 
overlook  the  fox,  jest  as  one  overlooks  a  mustard-pot 
luider  one's  nose. 

"  Well,  then,  my  beloved  'earers,  glorious  talli-lio ! 
talli-ho !— whose  very  echo  kivers  me  all  over  with  the 
creeps — is  holloaed  and  repeated,  and  responded  and 
re-echoed,  and  th'  'ounds  are  settlin'  to  the  scent.  As 
soon  as  ever  you  'ear  the   cry,  make  up  your  minds 


<S^ 


TOP   SAWrERS 


either  to  go  on  or  go  'ome.  But  I  won't  s'pose  that  any 
man  will  stop  stiirin'  till  the  puddin's  done ;  at  all 
ewents,  not  till  he  sees  a  fence,  so  thrust  your  'eads  well 
into  your  'ats,  tighten  your  reins,  'arden  your  'eai-ts,  and 
with  elbows  and  legs,  elbows  and  legs,  get  forrard  to 
the  'ounds."  Mr.  Jorrocks  suiting  the  action  to  the 
word,  straddling  and  working  an  imaginary  horse  with 
his  amis. 

"  Now  we  are  away !  The  cover's  wacated,  and  there's 
not  another  within  four  miles,  which  courtesy  will  call 
foui'teen  !  Vich  vay's  the  vind  ?  South-east,  as  I  live. 
Then  he's  away  for  Brammelkite  Brake !  Now  for  your 
topogi-aphical  dictionaries,  or,  vot  is  still  better,  some 


ANOTHER  SPORTING  LECTOR 


331 


fremman  with  a  map  of  the  coimtry  iu  his  'ead.  The 
field  begins  to  settle  into  places,  like  folks  at  the  play. 
If  there's  no  parson  to  pilot  the  way,  gen'lemen  with 
'osses  to  sell  take  the  first  rank.  Every  one  now  sees 
who  are  thei-e,  and  many  may  be  wautin'  at  the  end  to 
tell  who  come  in  so ;  a  rasper  well  negotiated  at  this 
time  o'  day  has  sold  many  a  screw.  After  the  gen'lemen 
with  'osses  to  sell  comes  the  'xmtsman,  entreatin'  the 
gen'lemen  with  'osses  to  sell  not  to  press  upon  the 
'oimds :  bnt  as  he  only  tidks  to  their^  backs,  they  regard 
the  exhortation  as  a  mere  figure  o'  speech.  The  top- 
sawyers  of  the  'unt  will 
be  close  on  the  'unts- 
man.  There  will  not 
1^  many  of  these ;  but 
should  there  be  a  bar- 
rack in  the  neighbour- 
hood, some  soger 
officers  will  most  likely 
mex  up  and  ride  at  the 
'ardest  rider  among 
'em.  The  dragon  soger 
officer  is  the  most  dan- 
gerous, and  may  be 
known  by  the  viskers 
under  his  nose.  Afoot 
soger  officer's  'oss  is 
generally  Ijetter  in  his 
wind  than  on  his  legs. 
They  generally  wear 
chin  wigs,  and  alwaya 
swear  the  leaps  are 
nothin'  compared  with 
those  in  tne  county 
they  came  from— Cheapside,  p'raps. 

"  In  the  wake  of  tlie  t<)p-sa\vyers  and  soger  officers 
will  come  your  steady  two  'oss  men,  their  eyes  to  the 
'ounds,  their  thoughts  in  the  chase,  regardless  of  who 
crams  or  who  craucs.  These  generally  wear  cm-ds,  their 
viskers  are  greyish,  and  their  brown  top-boots  look  as  if 
tlify  have  never  y)een  wite. 

"Tlie  'safe  i)ilot'  is  generally  a  iii;iii  with  a  broad 
back,  clad  in  y)ottle-grcen,  witli  phiiii  iiictal  buttons, 
white  neckclotli,  striiifd  vcskit.  dralj  kerseys,  with 
ribbons  danglin'  over  a  'hogany  top;  or  uiaylie  in  the 
scarlet  coat  of  tlie  'unt,  with  a  hash-plant,  to  denote 
that  he  is  a  gate-oi->ener,  and  not  a  leaper:  a  man  of 


.^32  HANDLBY  CROSS 

this  sort  will  pilot  a  youngster  all  day  without  ridin' 
over  a  fence.  He  iknows  every  twist,  every  turn,  every 
gate,  every  gap,  in  the  country,  and  though  sometimes 
appearin'  to  ride  away  from  the  'ounds,  liy  skirtin'  and 
nickin',  will  often  gain  Reynard's  p'int  afore  them — 
l)'raps  afore  Reynard  himself  ! 

"  We  must  not  follow  him,  but  '  streak  it '  across  the 
country  a  bit,  as  brother  J  onathan  would  say,  and  this 
is  the  time  that,  if  ingenuous  youth's  'oss  has  any 
monkey  in  him,  he  will  assuredly  get  his  dander  up  and 
show  it.  The  commonest  occun-ence  in  all  natur'  is  for 
him  to  ran  away,  Avhich  is  highly  disagreeable.  Geoffrey 
Gambado  well  observes,  that  when  a  man  is  well  run 
away  with,  the  first  thing  that  occm-s  to  him  is  how  to 
stop  his  'oss.  Some  will  run  him  at  a  ditch,  which  is 
a  v/en-y  promisin'  experiment,  if  he  leaps  ill,  or  not  at 
all ;  others  try  a  gate-post,  biit  it  requires  a  nice  eye  to 
hit  the  centre  with  the  'oss's  'ead,  so  as  not  to  graze 
yoxu'  own  leg.  Frenchmen — and  Frenchmen  ride  as 
well  now  as  they  did  in  Gambado's  time— will  ride 
against  one  another ;  and  Geoffrey  tells  a  good  story  of 
an  ingenious  Frenchman  he  saw  make  four  experiments 
on  Newmarket  Heath,  in  only  one  of  which  he  suc- 
ceeded. His  'oss  ran  away  with  him  whilst  Gimcrack 
was  runnin'  a  match,  and  the  Count's  'opes  of  stoppin' 
him  being  b\it  small,  he  contrived  to  turn  him  across 
the  course  and  rode  slap  at  Gimcrack,  'opin'  to  effect  it 
hj  a  broadside;  but  Gimcrack  was  too  quick  for  the 
Count,  and  he  missed  his  aim.  He  then  made  fidl  at 
Lord  March,  bvit  unluckily  only  took  him  slantin' ; 
baffled  in  this  second  attempt,  the  Count  relied  on  the 
Devil's  Ditch  as  a  certain  check  to  his  career,  Imt  his 
'oss  caiTied  him  clean  over ;  and  had  not  the  rubbin'- 
hotise  presented  itself,  the  Count  assei-ted  he  werily 
believed  he  should  soon  have  reached  London.  Dashin' 
at  the  rabbin'-'ouse,  with  true  French  sjiirit,  he  produced 
the  desired  effect ;  his  'oss,  not  being  able  to  proceed, 
stopped,  and  that  so  suddenly  that  Ducrow  himself 
would  have  kissed  his  owm  saw-dust.  The  Count,  it  is 
true,  came  off  but  tolerably  well ;  the  'oss  broke  his  'ead 
and  _  the  Count's  likewise,  so  that,  accordin'  to  the 
opinion  of  two  negatives  makin'  an  affirmative,  little  or 
no  'arm  was  done,  an  ingenious,  if  not  a  satisfactory, 
mode  of  disposiu'  of  damage. 

"  And  here  let  me  observe,  that  to  'unt  pleasantly  two 
things  are  necessary — to  know  yom-  'oss  and  to  know 
your  own  mind.    An  'oss  is  a  queer  critter.     In  the 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  333 

stable,  on  the  road,  or  even  in  a  ari'een  lane,  lie  may  be 
all  mild  and  hamiable— jest  like  a  ural  you're  a  courtin' 
of — but  when  he  ijets  into  the  matriiiiouy  of  the  "imtin^- 
field  among  other  na<?s,  and  sees  th"  'ounds,  which 
always  gets  their  danders  up,  my  vig !  it's  another  pair 
of  shoes  altogether,  as  we  say  in  France.  Howsomever, 
if  you  know  your  'oss  and  can  depend  iipon  him,  so  as  to 
be  sure  he  will  carry  you  over  whatever  you  iDut  him  at, 
have  a  good  understandin'  with  yourself  afore  ever  you 
come  to  a  leap,  whether  you  mean  to  go  over  it  or  not, 
for  nothing  looks  so  pusillanimous  as  to  see  a  chap  ride 
bang  at  a  fence  as  though  he  wovdd  eat  it,  and  then 
swerve  off  for  a  gate  or  a  gap.  Better  far  to  charge 
wiggorously,  and  be  chucked  over  by  the  'oss  stoppin' 
short,  for  the  rider  may  chance  to  light  on  his  legs,  and 
can    look    about    unconsamedly,    as    tliough    nothing 

fjarticklar  had  'appened.  I'm  no  advocate  for  leapin', 
)ut  there  are  times  when  it  can't  be  helped.  In  which 
case  let  a  man  thi-ow  his  'eart  fearlessly  over  the  fence 
and  follow  it  as  quick  as  ever  he  can.  and  being  well 
landed,  let  him  tliank  Providence  for  his  luck,  and  lose 
no  time  in  lookin'  for  the  best  way  out.  Thus  he  will  go 
on  from  leap  to  leap,  and  from  field  to  field,  rejoicin' ; 
and  havin'  got  well  over  the  first  fence,  it's  'stonishin' 
'ow  fearlessly  he  charges  the  next.  Some  take  leapin'- 
powder— spirits  of  some  sort — l)ut  it's  a  contemptible 
practice,  unworthy  of  ingenuous  youth. 

"The  finest  receipt,  however,  for  luakin'  men  ride 
is  shakin'  a  sportin'  liauthor  afore  tlieiu  at  startin'. 
Crikey !  'ow  I've  seen  'em  streak  across  country  so  long 
as  he  remained  in  sight!  Coves  wot  wouldn't  face  a 
water-fun*ow  if  they  had  had  their  own  way,  under  the 
impulse  of  glory,  will  actually  s()ur  their  steeds! 

Gentlemen  wot  take  their  ideas  of  'unting  from  Mr. 
Hackermann's  7>ictor-shoj)  in  Regent's  Street  must  have 
rum  nf)tion8  of  the  sport.  There  you  see  red  laps  flyin' 
out  in  all  directions,  and  'osses  ai»parcntly  to  be  had  for 
cat<;hin'.  Truf.  that  in  'iintiiig  nu-n  will  roll  ;iliout  —hut 
so  they  will  on  the  road  ;  and  I'd  raytlwi-  iiavi-  two  hunijjs 
in  a  field  than  one  on  a  pikp.  Danger  is  everywhere !  An 
accoinj)liHhed  frind  of  mine  says,  'Iinpfudet  omnihiis 
pei"i(Mluin  ' — Danger  ':ing.s  over  an  oiiinilms  :  and  '  Mors 
omuihiiH  est  (•oniiiinniH,' — You  may  hreiik  your  neck  in 
an  omnihiis:  hut  iire  we,  on  th;it  account,  to  shun  th<! 
wehichi  of  whi«'h  the  Kiuiie  great  scOiolar  says.  '  Wirtiis 
parvo  pretio  licet  ah  oiiinihuH,"  Wirliie  iiiiiy  rid<!  clu^ap 
ni  an  omnibus?     Surely  not! 


334  TIANDTiEY   CROSS 

"  Still,  a  fall's  a  hawfiil  thino-.  Fancy  a  pfveat  sixteen 
'and  "oss  lyin"  on  one  like  a  blanket,  or  sittin'  with  his 
monstrous  heniisplieres  on  one's  chest,  sendin'  one's 
werry  sonl  out  o'  one's  nostrils !  Dreadful  thought ! 
Vere's  the  brandy  P "  Hereupon  Mr.  Jorrocks  again 
retired  to  the  back  of  the  platform  to  compose  his 
nerves. 

"  Now,  my  beloved  'earers,"  continued  he,  returning 
and  wiping  his  mouth  on  the  back  of  his  hand, — "  Now, 
my  l)eloved  'earers,  let's  draw  on  old  Peter  for  a  run,  for 
I  I'eally  think  a  good  suclc  of  'im  is  a'most  as  good  as  a 
titck  out  at  the  Ship  and  Turtle  Tavern. 

"  Here  we  'ave  'im,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  opening 
at  the  place,  and  proceeding  to  read  with  all  due  energy 
and  emphasis :  " '  Mind,  Galloper,  'ow  he  leads  them  ? 
It's  difficult  to  'stinguish  which  is  first,  they  mm  in  such 
good  style ;  yet  he  is  the  foremost  'ound.  The  goodness 
of  his  nose  is  not  less  excellent  than  his  speed : — 'ow  he 
can'ies  the  scent !  and  when  he  loses  it,  see  'ow  eagerly 
he  flings  to  recover  it  again !  There — now  he's  at  'ead 
again!  See  'ow  they  top  the  'edge!  Now,  now  they 
mount  the  'ill! — Observe  wot  a  'ead  they  carry;  and 
show  me,  if  thou  canst,  one  shuffler  or  shirker  'mongst 
'em  all :  are  they  not  like  a  parcel  of  brave  fellows,  who, 
when  they  'gage  in  an  undei-takin',  determine  to  share 
its  fatigue  and  its  dangers  eqvially  'mongst  them  H ' 

"  Capital ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  smacking  his  lijis. 
"Excellent  indeed.    That's  jest  precisely  like  my  'ounds. 

"  Dash  my  vig,  if  I  could  but  get  a  clever  feller  like 
Leecli  to  draw  me  a  panorama  o'  the  chase,  with  all  my 
Ijeauties  goin'  like  beans — 'eads  up  and  sterns  down,  and 
a  lot  o'  trumps  ridin'  as  they  should  do — near  enough  to 
'ear  their  sweet  music,  but  not  too  near  to  prevent  their 
swingin'  and  spreadin'  like  a  rocket  to  make  their  own 
cast,  I'd— I'd— I'd—bowl  Halbert  Smith  and  his  wite 
mountain  and  his  black  box  right  down  Sin  Jimses 
Street  into  the  Thames,  and  set  up  i'  the  'Giptian  'AU 
myself."  (Great  laughter  and  applause.)  "When  it  sub- 
sided, Mr.  Jori-ocks,  returning  to  his  volume,  said, 

"Peter  now  does  a  little  potry,  and  we'll  do  ditto. 
Here  it  is : — 

'  Fur  o'er  the  rocky  'ills  we  range, 


And  dHncferoiis  our  course  ;  but  in  tlie  bravo 
True  courage  never  fails.     In  wain  the  stream 
In  foamin'  eddies  whirls,  in  wain  the  ditch 
Wide  gapin'  threatens  death.     The  craggy  steep, 
Where  the  poor  dizzy  shejiherd  crawls  with  care, 
And  clings  to  every  twig,  gives  UB  no  pain  ; 


ANOTHER   RPORTINa  LECTOR  335 

But  clown  we  sweep,  as  stoops  the  falcon  hold 
To  pounce  his  prey.    Then  hup  the  opponent  'ill 
By  the  swift  motion  slunj?,  we  movint  aloft ; 
So  ships  i'  winter  seas  now  slidiu'  sink 
Adown  the  steepy  wave,  then  tossed  on  'igh 
Ride  on  the  billows  and  defy  the  storm.' 

"  That's  capital,  too,"  observed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  conning^ 
the  matter  over,  "  weny  superior  readiu',  indeed,  but 
some  'ow  or  other,  I  thinks  I  likes  old  Peter  better ;  it 
comes  more  nattnral  like.  'Ere,  for  instance,  is  a  bit 
o'  fine  sportiu'  scenery,  that  makes  one  feel  all  over, 
'nnting  like." 

Mr.  JoiTocks  then  read  as  follows : — 

" '  It  was  then  the  fox  I  saw,  as  we  came  down  the  'iU ; 
— those  crows  directed  me  which  way  to  look,  and  the 
ship  ran  from  'im  as  he  passed  along.  The  'onnds  are 
now  on  the  weri-y  spot,  yet  the  ship  stop  them  not,  for 
they  dash  beyond  them.  Now  see  with  wot  heagerness 
they  cross  the  plain! — Galloper  no  longer  keeps  his 
place;  Bnisher  takes  it — see  'ow  he  flings  for  the  scent, 
and  'ow  impetuously  he  runs !  'Ow  heagerly  he  took  the 
lead,  and  'ow  he  strives  to  keep  it.  Yet  Wictor  comes 
hup  apace.  He  reaches  'im  !  See  wot  an  excellent  race 
it  is  between  them !  It  is  doubtful  which  will  reach  the 
cover  first.  'Ow  equally  they  run  I  'Ow  heagerly  they 
strain!  Now,  Wictor — Wictor!— Ah,  Brusher,  you  are 
)>eaten ;  Wictor  first  tops  the  'edge.  See  thei-e !  See 
'ow  they  aU  take  in  their  strokes !  The  "edge  cracks 
with  their  weight,  so  many  jurajj  at  once.' 

''Capital,  indeed,"  exclainipcl  Mr.  Jorrocks;  "most 
excellent,  I  may  say.  All  slieer  'unting— no  nasty 
jealous  stijiple  chase  ridin'.  'urrying  'ounds  a  mile 
l>eyond  the  scent.  No  'go-alongs!  there  are  three 
coujjle  of  'onnds  on  the  scent,'  but  real '  Fox  et  pieteria 
nihil,'  as  Hego  would  say.  Blow  me  tight,  if  such 
readin'  doesn't  jjarfectlie  bust  me,"  ad<led  he,  again 
retiiing  to  the  brandy,  nniidst  the  loud  and  long- 
continued  ;i|»])lauHe  of  tlie  coiiii»any. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII 

THE    LECTOR    RESUMED 

"  Well  now,"  contimxed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  returning, 
rabljing-  liis  lips  preparatory  to  resuming  liis  reading, 
"  Peter  does  a  bit  o'  cunnin'.  and  I'll  elucidate  it.  The 
fox  you  know's  i'  cover— Rasliwoi-tli  or  'Igh  "Wood 
Grove,  let  us  say,  and  the  thing  is  to  take  care  that  he 
doesn't  slip  away  unseen — upon  this  Peter  says,  '  Now 
'astes  the  wipper-in  to  the  other  side  o'  the  cover ;  he  is 
right  unless  he  'ead  the  fox.'  That's  capital,"  observed 
Mr.  JoiTocks,— "  he's  right  unless  he's  wrong ;  right  one 
day  p'rhaps,  and  wrong  another,  for  he  can't  control  the 
fox,  who  may  fancy  to  lireak  at  one  pint  one  day  and 
another  the  next.  Howsomever,"  mused  our  master, 
"  that  shows  the  adwantage  o'  havin'  some  one  to  blow 
hup  when  things  go  wrong,  and  Cook — I  think  it  is  who 
tells  of  an  M.F.H.,  who  kept  a  wip  on  purpose  to  be 
blown  hup,  and  who  he  vised  to  make  ride  along  side  any 
'go-along' — there  are  three  couple  of  'omids  on  the 
scent  cove,  while  the  M.F.H.  lectord  the  man  as  if  he 
had  committed  the  '  forepaw,'  adding  at  the  end,  with  a 
frown  and  a  shake  of  his  vip,  (bad  word),  '  yo.  sir,  I  may 
(bad  word)  you,  at  all  ewents ! '  (Latighter  and  applause.) 
"  I3ut  come,  let's  see  wot  our  hauthor  makes  on  'im  in 
cover,"  resumed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  returning  to  his  Beckford 
— "Peter's  at  the  potry  again,  I  declare,"  said  he, 
clearing  his  throat  for  the  following : — 

"  '  'Eavcns  !  wot  melodious  strains  !  'o\v  beat  our  hearts 
Big  with  tuiniiltuous  joy !  tlie  loaded  gales 
Breathe  'anaouy  ;  and  as  the  tempest  drives 
From  wood  to  wood,  thro'  cv'ry  dark  rece.S3 
The  forest  thunders,  and  the  mountains  shake." 

"  Werry  fine  ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  turning  up  his 
eyes  to  the  sporting  looping  of  his  canopy,  "  wen-y  fine 
indeed !  '  The  forest  thunders,  and  the  mountains 
shake.'  That's  jest  wot  my  beauties  make  them  do. 
Dash  my  vig,  but  they  kick  hup  a  pretty  dust  when  they 
once  begin.  But  let  us  follow  Peter  into  cover,  for  if 
his  counti-y  was  anything  like  wot  it  is  now,  he'd  l)e 


THE   LECTOR   RESUMED  337 

Ijretty  much  at  'ome  in  one  I  reckon."  Mr.  Jorrocks 
then  read  as  follows : — *' '  Listen !  the  "ouuds  have  tui-ned. 
They  ai'e  now  i"  two  parts :  the  fox  has  been  'eaded  back.' 
The  wip's  been  ^vi-ong,"  observed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  with  a 
shake  of  his  head,  "  or,"  continuing  his  reading,  " '  we 
have  changed  at  last.'  Changed  at  last,"  repeated  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  soiTOwfuUy,  "  bad  luck  to  those  changes," 
observed  he,  '"they  are  the  werry  deuce  and  all  in 
'unting.  Aiier  one's  ridden  oneself  red  'ot,  and  nearly 
galloped  one's  'oss's  tail  oif ,  and  think  it's  full  time  to  be 
'andling  the  wamiint,  to  'ave  a  genlnian  goin'  away  as 
fresh  as  a  four-year-old.  Dash  my  buttons,  but  I 
remembers  a  desp'rate  cunnin'  Charley."  observed  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  "  that  used  to  go  away  from  Ticklefield-gos,  in 
Crampshire,  and,  after  runniu'  a  wide  ring,  would  retiu-n 
and  pashin'  hup  another  fox,  would  lie  quiet  hisself.  As 
it  happened,  'owever,  his  substitute  was  a  mangey  one, 
and  desp"rate  disgusted  we  used  to  be  at  fmdin'  we  were 
ridin'  artor  a  thing  like  a  rat  'stead  of  a  beautifiJ  cleaii- 
f  uiTcd  Reynard. 

"  But  Peter,"  says  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  'opes  to  'old  on  with 
the  'unted  fox,  and  this  is  what  he  says  to  his  Ben" — 
Mr.  JoiTOcks  reading— "'Now,  my  lad,  mind  the 
'untsman's  alloo,  and  stop  to  those  'ounds  which  he 
encoui-ages.' — which  doesn't  mean  tliat  tlie  vip's  to  make 
a  haffidavit  that  that's  the  'untsman's  alloo,"  continued 
he,  looking  knowingly  at  Ben,  for  a  reason  which  will 
appear  in  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  Journal,  "  but  that  he's  to  stop 
all  such  'ounds  as  are  not  runniu'  the  way  tlie  untsman's 
ollooin' ;  he's  to  maintain  to  tlie  'untHnian's  olloo  in 
short,  and  stop  sich  'ounds  as  diwide  from  it,"  exi^lained 
Mr.  Jorrocks. 

'■  Well,  let's  ave  that  sentence  over  again,"  said  he, 
referring  to  his  voliuno. 

'■ '  Now,  my  lad,  mind  the  'untsman's  halloo,  and  stop 
to  those  "ounds  wliicii  lie  encourages.'  He  is  right!  that 
doubtless  is  the  'unted  fox; — tliat  doubUess  is  tlie 'unted 
fox,"  repeated  Mr.  Jorrocks,  tliougiitfully, — "  ay,"  added 
he,  "they're  all  the 'unted  foxes  that  anyljody  sees. 
HowHOinever.  we'll  take  Peter's  v/ovd  for  it,  and  at  'im 
again.  Well  now."  continued  the  wortliy  lecturer, 
conning  the  i)age,  "'ore's  a  reg'lar  y;irfl  and  a  'alf  o' 
potry,  describin',  wot  Pomponious  would  call  the '  second 
oust,  almost  a«  terrible  as  the  fust' — the  difference 
atwixt  Peter  and  Pompcy,  ye  see,  V>ein',"  added  Mr. 
Jon'ocks.  looking  off  the  book,  "  that  Peter  is  all  for  the 
pack,  and  Ponipey  for  the  jjerfonners,  or  '  customers,'  as 

z 


338  HANDLBY  CROSS 

they  call  the  crack  riders  T  the  cut-me-downs.     How- 
somever, 
poetry, 
shalln' 

no,  go  on  ;  go  on,"  and  applause.) 
Our  great  master  then  read  as  follows : — 

"  Wot  lengths  wc  pass !  were  will  the  wandcrin'  chaco 
Lead  us  bewildered  !  smooth  as  swallows  skim, 
The  new  shorn  mead,  and  far  more  swift  we  Ily. 
Sec  my  brave  pack  ;  'ow  to  the  'cad  they  press, 
Jostlin'  i'  close  array,  then  more  diffuse 
Ohhcfuely  weel,  wile  from  their  hopenin'  mouths 
The  woliied  thunder  breaks — 

Look  back  and  view 

The  strange  confusion  of  the  wale  below, 
Where  sore  wexation  rcig-ns  ; 


-Old  age  laments 


His  wigour  spent ;  the  tall,  plump,  brawny  youth 
Cusses  his  cumbrous  bulk  and  envies  now 
The  short  pygmean  race,  he  whilom  keun'd 
AVith  proud  insultin'  leer.    A  chosen  few 
Alone  the  sport  enjoy,  nor  droop  beneath 
Their  pleasin'  toils." 

Great  applaiise  followed  the  readmg  of  the  above. 
When  it  sul  isidcd,  our  master,  taking  the  "  Chase  and 
Road"  volume  from  the  table  at  the  back  of  the  plat- 
form, said,  "  Let  us  jest  take  a  peep  at  frind  Pomijonious 
under  similar  circumstances.  '  The  squire's  'ounds  are 
ruimin'  with  a  brest-'igh  scent  over  the  cream  of  the 
cut-me-down  country,  and  most  musically  do  the  light 
notes  o'  Wocal  and  Wenus  fall  on  the  ear  of  those  who 
may  be  within  reach  to  catch  'em.  But  who  is  so  forti- 
nate  i'  this  second  bust '  nearly  as  terrible  as  the  fust  ? ' 
asks  Hego.  '  Our  fancy  supplies  us  again,'  says  he,  '  and 
we  think  we  could  name  'em  all.  If  we  look  to  the  left, 
nearly  abi-east  o'  the  pack,  we  see  six  men  goin'  gallantly, 
and  quite  as  straight  as  the  'oimds  themselves  are  goin' ; 
and  on  the  right  are  four  more,  ridin'  equally  well, 
though  the  former  'ave  rayther  the  best  of  it,  owin'  to 
'avin'  'ad  the  inside  o'  the  'ounds  at  the  last  two  turns, 
which  must  be  placed  to  the  chapter  of  haccidents.  A 
short  way  i'  the  rear,  Ijy  no  means  too  much  so  to  enjoy 
this  brilliant  run,  are  the  rest  o'  the  e/iu-  o'  the  field,  who 
had  come  hup  at  the  fust  check ;  and  a  few  who,  thanks 
to  the  goodness  o'  their  steeds,  and  their  determination 
to  be  with  the  'ounds,  appear  as  if  dropped  from  the 
clouds.  Some,  'owever,  begin  to  show  symptoms  o' 
distress.  Two  'osses  are  seen  loose  in  the  distance — a 
report  is  flyin'  'bout  that  one  o'  the  field  is  badly  "ui-t. 


THE  LECTOR   RESUMED  339 

and  sometlun'  is  'eard  of  a  collar-bone  bein'  broken, 
others  say  it  is  a  leg;  but  tbe  pace  is  too  good  to  in- 
quire. A  crackin'  o'  rails  is  now  'eard,  and  one  gen'l'man's 
'oss  is  to  be  seen  restin',  nearly  balanced,  'cross  one  on 
'em,  his  rider  Ijein'  on  his  back  i'  the  ditch,  which  is  on 
the  landin'-side.  '  Who  is  he  ?  '  says  Lord  Brudenel  to 
Jack  Stevens.  'Can't  tell,  my  lord;  but  I  thought  it 
was  a  queerish  place  when  I  came  o'er  it  afore  'im.'  It 
is  evidently  a  place  o'  peril,  but  the  pace  is  too  good  to 
'ford  'elp. 

"So,"  continued  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  closing  the  volume 
with  a  clap,  and  chucking  it  to  Pigg  in  the  background, 
"they  cut  'im  down,  but  don't  'ang  'im  up  to  di*y-" 
(Laughter  and  applause.) 

"  'Old  ' Ard  ! "  now  exclaimed  Mi-.  JoiTocks  at  the  top 
of  his  voice,  advancing  to  the  front  of  the  platform, 
causing  silence  throughout  the  room.  "  'Old  'Ard  ! " 
repeated  he,  holding  up  his  hand ;  "  appaUin'  sound !  " 
added  he,  mournfully,  "  fearful  to  the  forrard,  and  dis- 
piritin'  to  all.  Now's  the  time  that  the  M.F.H.,  if  he 
has  any  mischief  in  him  and  'appens  to  be  hvip,  will 
assuredly  let  drive  at  some  one. 

" '  'Old  'Aed,'  explained  the  worthy  lecturer,  "  means 
that  gen  Tmen  are  to  stop  their  "osses,  a  thing  easier 
said  than  done,  sometimes.  Then  if  any  troublesome 
stranger,  or  unpnnctual  payer,  appears  to  be  forrard,  he 
is  sui-e  to  catch  it. 

" '  Thank  you.  Mr.  Red  Vcskit ! '  or  '  I'm  much  ol ileged 
to  that  gen'i'man  witli  tlie  big  calves  for  over-ridin'  ;«// 
'ounds! — weiTy  much  'l)lr'ged  to  him  !— most  '//rA'larly 
'lilcged  to  him! — most  confoundedly  'blcged  to  him! — 

G — (Id d 'blcged  to  him! — Wish  the  devil  had  him, 

big  calves  and  all ! ' 

"Mcanwiiile  the  'untsman  makes  his  cast,  that's  to 
say,  trots  his  'ounds  in  a  circle  round  where  they  threw 
up  :  '  throw  uj) "  doesn't  mean  womitin'.  mind,  but  standin' 
starin'  with  tlieir  'oads  up,  instead  of  keeitiu'  them  down, 
tryin'  for  the  scent.  As  this  is  a  ci-itical  moment,  young 
genTmen  sliould  refrain  frf>m  inwitin'  tlu^  "uiitHuien  or 
wliips  to  follow  them  over  gat<'8  or  dangerous  leaps.  All 
should  be  'tentive.  A  cast  is  a  thing  to  criticise,  on  the 
i)rincii)le  of  the  looker-on  seein'  tlie  most  of  the  game. 
If  there  ai-e  no  l>ig  fence's  in  tlio  way.  and  the  'imta- 
man  knows  how  far  the  'ounds  ran  with  a  scent, 
lie  will  probably  hit  it  off  pi'etty  soon.  That  will  be 
science. 

"  If  the  leaps  are  large,  he  may  not  l>e  so  lucky,  and 


3in 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


then  Mr.  Red  Veskit,  or  tlie  gen'l'man  with  the  bij? 
calves,  will  catch  it  again. 

"  Should  anyone  'int  that  they  have  seen  a  better  cast, 
little  buoys  will  go  home  and  tell  their  ma's  they  don't 
think  much  of  Jack  Jones,  and  Jack's  character  will 
begin  to  go.  A  fish-fag's  ware  isn't  more  iierishable  than 
an  'iintsmau's  fame ;  his  skill  is  within  the  judgment  of 
every  one — '  Cleverest  feller  alive ! ' — '  Biggest  fool  goin' ! ' 

"  But  to  the  run !  The  Chass  I  sing !  A  i-un  is  either 
a  buster — elbows  and  legs  throughout — or  it  is  sharp  at 
first,  and  slow  arterwards ;  or  it  is  slow  at  first  and  sharp 


'hold  hakd?   easier  said  than  donk  ' 


ai-terwards.  The  first  is  wot  most  frequently  finishes 
the  fox ;  and  when  every  'ound  owns  the  scent,  unless 
Old  Reynard  does  the  hartf ul  dodge,  by  lyin'  down  in 
an  'edge-row,  or  skulkin'  among  cattle  or  ship,  in  all 
humane  probability  his  life  arn't  worth  twenty  minutes' 
purchase  from  the  find. 

"  The  second  class  i-un— sharp  at  first  and  slow  arter- 
wards— is  the  most  favoural)le  to  the  fox ;  for  the  longei- 
it  lasts,  the  slower  the  'ounds  go,  until  they  get  to  wot 
the  old  Agony  coachmen  used  to  call  Parliament-jiace — 
that  is  to  say,  some  six  miles  an  'oiu-,  when  they  are 


Tin3   LECTOR  RESUMED  341 

either  nm  ont  o'  scent,  or  a  bipf  'are  jumps  up  afore 
them,  and  leads  them  astray.  It's  then,  '  Ware  'are 
Weniis  I  Wictory,  for  shame ! '  and  off  'ome. 

"  The  tliird  class — slow  at  first,  and  sharp  artei-wards 
— is  hawkward  for  the  fox,  but  good  for  beginners,  for 
they  get  warm  in  the  progress,  instead  of  being  choked 
at  the  stai-t.  The  thing  improves,  jest  like  a  hiee-cream 
i'  the  eatin'. 

"No  two  men  'gi'ee  upon  the  merits  of  a  run,  'less 
they  'appen  to  1:>e  the  only  ones  to  see  it,  when  they 
an-ange  that  wot  one  says  t'other  shall  swear  to ;  your 
real  jealous  bouys  can't  bear  to  see  many  at  the  finish. 
In  relatin'  a  nin  to  an  absent  friend,  it  is  always  allow- 
able to  lay  on  fifty  per  cent,  for  presence. 

"  Talking  of  a  nm,  ingenuous  youth  should  speak  ia 
praise  of  the  'ead  the  'ounds  caiTied.  This  doesn't  mean 
that  they  ran  with  an  'ead  of  no  sort  in  their  mouths, 
but  that  they  packed  well  together,  and  each  strived  to 
be  first.  It  is  this  wot  distinguishes  a  real  pack  of  fox- 
'ounds  from  your  trencher-fed  muggars,  and  constitutes 
the  chaiTu  o'  the  chase.  If  the  death  of  a  fox  be  all 
that's  desu'ed,  a  gun  wiU  do  the  business  much  cleaner 
and  better  than  Muggins  and  Co.'s  towlers. 

"  What  looks  so  contemptible  as  a  stringin'  lot  o' 
towlin'  beggars  toilin'  in  long  line  over  the  'eavy  fallows, 
and  the  fox  gottin'  knocked  on  the  'ead  because  the 
dogs  are  too  tired  to  kill  him  themselves  ?  Out  upon 
sich  outrages !  say  I.     But  to  the  legitimate  run. 

"  Not  bein'  in  at  the  death  is  reckoned  slow,  and 
numerous  are  the  excuses  of  defaulters — losin'  a  shoe  is 
one  of  the  counuoiifst;  assistin'  a  friend  in  trouble, 
another;  'oss  fiilliug  hime,  a  third;  thro\vn  out  in 
tumin'  'ounds,  a  foui-th ;  anything  but  the  real  one- 
want  o'  nerve.  Nei'vo  ineiiiis  i)lu<k :  in  Alderman 
Harley's  time,  they  called  it  courago.  Still  it's  quite 
lawful  for  men  to  'unt,  even  though  they  wfm't  ride  over 
the  moon.  'Deed  you  might  as  well  say  that  a  man  has 
no  Inisiness  at  Hepsoin  who  can't  rid((  a  v.u-p,  as  that  a 
man  has  no  business  at  an  'unt  that  wcm't  undertake  to 
be  in  at  the  death.  Lot  evei-y  man  do  his  Ix'st,  ;iiid 
grind  away  as  long  as  Ik;  can;  at  all  ewcmts,  until  eitlier 
he  or  his  'ohh  tire,  or  he  gets  thrown  out,  in  which  latter 
calamity  let 'iiu  remember  the  niustard-|)ot,  iind  not  go 
ridin'  straiglit  an  end,  as  if  it  were  unjKmsihlc  foj-  the 
'ounds  to  turn  to  the  rigjit  or  to  (he  left.  Let  liini  jmll 
hup  a  l)it  (m  a  risin'  ground,  iind  as  he  sils  moj)pin'  his 
nob,  let  'im  examine  the  landscape,  and  see  wot  cattle 


342  HANDLEY  CROSS 

are  starin'  or  scampei'insr  aboiit,  and  rely  upon  it,  the 
'ounds  are  not  far  oif .  11'  ing-enuous  youth,  after  ridiu" 
the  line,  sees  'osses  beiu'  led  about  a  p^reen  field,  and  red 
coats  standin'  in  a  ring,  he  may  conclude  bold  Reynard 
is  capevi'd,  and,  by  quickenin'  his  pace,  may  steal  quietly 
in  afore  the  won-y. 

"  But  we'll  let  old  Peter  kill  his  fox,  for  dash  my  vijr, 
there's  nobody  can  do  it  like  him.  Let's  see,  where  was 
I  ?  "  continued  JoiTocks,  resuming  that  volume — "  Ah, 
I  have  it,  the  fox  has  been  'eaded  or  they  have  changed 
at  last. — 'Now  for  a  mouient's  patience  ! '  cries  Peter, — 
'  We  press  too  close  tipon  the  'ounds  !  'Untsman,  stand 
still !  as  they  want  you  not.  'Ow  admirably  they  spread  ! 
'Ow  wide  they  cast !  Is  there  a  single  'ound  that  does 
not  try  ?  if  there  be,  ne'er  shall  he  'unt  again.  There 
Trueman  is  on  the  scent — he  feathers,  yet  still  is  doubt- 
ful— 'tis  right!  'ow  readily  they  join  'im!  See  those 
wide-casting  'ounds,  'ow  they  fly  forrard  to  recover  the 
ground  they  'ave  lost !  Mind  Lightnin',  'ow  she  dashes ; 
and  Mungo  'ow  he  works !  Old  Frantic,  too,  now  pushes 
fon-ard ;  she  Imows  as  well  as  we,  the  fox  is  sink  in' : — 

'  Ah !  he  flies,  nor  yields 


To  black  despair.     But  ono  loose  more  and  all 
His  wiles  are  wain.     'Ark  !  thro"  you  willage  now 
The  rattlin'  clamoiu-  rings.     The  barns,  the  cots, 
And  leafless  elms  return  the  joyous  sounds. 
Thro'  ev'rj'  'omo-stall,  and  thro"  ev'iy  yard, 
His  midnight  walks,  pantiu',  forlorn,  he  flies.' 

"  And,  dash  my  vig,  he  makes  me  pant  too,"  continued 
Mr.  JoiTocks,  holding  his  obese  sides.  "  However, 
judicious  Peter  gives  one  a  little  breathin'  time  here,  in 
these  conwenient  words  : — 

" '  'Untsman !  at  fault  at  last  ?  'Ow  far  did  you  bring 
the  scent?  'Ave  the  'ounds  made  their  cast?  Now 
make  yours — you  see  that  ship-dog  as  coursed  the  fox  ; 
get  foiTard  with  yom*  'ounds,  and  make  a  wide  cast,' 
during  which  time,"  continued  the  worthy  leetiu-er,  "  we 
are  all  'sposed  to  be  sittin'  quietly  givin'  our  quads  the 
wind,  and  all  'oldin'  our  tongues — a  most  desirable 
thing,"  obsei-ved  Mr.  Jorrocks,  looking  knowingly  round 
the  room. 

"  Peter,  who  'as  his  ears  well  cocked  with  an  'and 
behind  the  right  one,"  continued  the  worthy  lecturer, 
"  gives  tongue  with, — 

"  '  'Ark !  that  halloo  is  indeed  a  lucky  one.  If  we  can 
'old  'im  on,  we  may  yet  recover  'im  ;  for  a  fox,  so  much 
distressed,  must  stop  at  last.     We  shall  now  see  if  they 


THE  LECTOR  RESUMED  343 

will  'lint  as  well  as  run ;  for  there  is  Liit  little  scent,  and 
the  himpendin'  cloud  still  makes  that  little  less.  'Ow 
they  enjoy  the  scent !  see  'ow  busy  they  all  are,  and  ow 
each  in  his  turn  prewails  ! '  «  »    i 

'■  Capital  writm" !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks  ;  feels 
for  all  the  world  as  if  I  was  there.  Now  for  a  bunch  of 
'ints  for  an  "untsman ! 

" '  'Untsman !  he  quiet !  Whilst  the  scent  was  good, 
you  pressed  on  your  'ounds;  it  was  well  done;  when 
you  came  to  a  check,  you  stood  still  and  interrupted 
them  not:  they  were  artorwards  at  fault;  you  made 
your  cast  with  judgment  and  lost  no  time— you  now 
must  let  'em  'unt ;— with  such  a  cold  scent  as  this  you 
can  do  no  good;  thSy  must  do  it  all  themselves  ;  lift 'eui 
now,  and  not  an  'ound  will  stoop  again.  Ha!  a  'igh 
road  at  sich  a  time  as  this,  when  the  tenderest  nosed 
'ound  can  'ardly  own  the  scent ;  'ave  a  little  patience, 
and  let  'em,  for  once,  try  back.' 

"Oh,  that  weary  scent!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
"that  weai-y,  incomprehensible,  incontrollable  pheno- 
menon! 'Constant  only  in  its  inconstancy!'  as  the 
hable  hauthor  of  the  noble  science  well  said.  Believe 
me,  my  beloved  'earers,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
"tliere's  nothin'  so  queer  as  scent,  'cept  a  woman!" 
(Hisses,  mingled  with  laughter  and  applause.) 

'"Ark  to  Beckford!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  re- 
suming his  reading  as  the  noise  subsided.  "'We  must 
now  give  'em  time :— see  where  they  bend  towards  yonder 
furze  brake.  I  wish  lie  may  "ave  stopj)ed  there !  Mind 
that  old  'ound,  'ow  he  dashes  o'er  the  furze;  1  tliink  he 
winds  'im.  Now  for  a  fresh  en  tapis !  'Ark  !  tliey  'alloo ! 
Ayo,  there  he  goes.' 

"  Pon  goes  the  weasel  again ! "  exclaiuied  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
straddling  and  working  liis  arms,  as  if  he  were  riding. 
He  then  resumed  his  reading. 

'"It  is  nearly  over  with  'im  ;  liad  tlie  'uunds  caught 
view,  he  must  ha'  died.  He  will  'ardly  reach  the  cover; 
sec  'ow  tiiey  gain  ui)on  'im  at  every  stroke!  It  is  an 
admirahle  race  !  yet  the  cover  saves  'im. 

"  '  Now  l)e  q\iiet,  and  he  cannot  'scape  us  ;  we  'ave  the 
wind  o'  the  ounds,  and  cannot  be  Ijctter  placed:  'ow 
short  he  nms !  he  is  now  in  the  wen-y  strongest  part  o' 
the  cover.  W(jt  a  crash  !  every  'ound  is  in,  au(l  every 
'ound  is  runnin' 'im.  That  was  a  (|niik  turn!  Again, 
anothor !  he's  put  to  his  last  shifts.  N<iw  Misi-hinf  is  at 
his 'eels,  and  rioath  is  not  far  oft'.  Ha!  they  all  stop  at 
once;  all  silent,  and  yet  no  hearth  is  hopon.    Listen! 


344  HANOT.RY  CROSS 

now  they  are  at  him  n^'m !  Did  you  'ear  that  'onnd  caich 
'im  ?  they  over-ran  th(^  scent,  and  the  fox  had  laid  down 
lie'ind  'em.  Now,  Reynard,  look  to  yourself !  'Ow  quick 
they  all  e:ive  their  tongues !  Little  Dreadnought,  'ow  he 
works  'im !  the  terriers,  too,  they  are  now  squeakin'  at 
'im !  'Ow  close  Wengeance  pursues !  'ow  ten-ibly  she 
presses !  it  is  jest  up  with  'im !  Gods !  wot  a  crash  they 
make;  the  'ole  wood  resovmds!  That  turn  was  werry 
short!  There!  now!  aye,  now  they 'ave'im!  Who-hoop!'" 

Here  Mr.  Jorrocks  put  his  finger  in  his  ear,  and  gave 
a  "  Who-hoop ! "  that  shook  the  very  rafters  of  the  room, 
whicli  being  responded  to  l>y  the  party,  a  noise  was 
created  that  is  more  easily  imagined  than  described. 

Three  cheei-s  for  Mr.  Jorrocks  were  then  called  for 
and  given  with  such  vehemence  as  to  amovmt  to  nine 
times  nine,  and  one  cheer  more,  during  which  the  worthy 
master  kept  bowing  and  scraping  on  the_  platform,  until 
he  got  a  ci'ick  in  his  neck  from  the  exercise. 


CHAPTER  XXXIV 

MR.    JORROCKS'S    JOURNAL 

A  FEW  more  extracts  from  our  distinj^uislied  friend's 
jonnial  will  perhaps  best  put  our  readers  in  i^ossession 
of  the  nature  of  the  sport  with  his  hoirads,  and  doings 
generally,  though  being  written  on  loose  sheets  of  paper, 
and  sometimes  not  very  legible,  we  have  had  some  little 
difficulty  in  deciphering  it.  Indeed,  what  appear  to  have 
been  the  best  runs — especially  those  with  a  kill— are 
invariably  the  worst  written,  owing  perhaps  to  our 
friend  indulging  in  a  third  pint  of  port  on  what  he  calls 
"qualified  days." 

On  one  occasion  ho  seems  to  have  been  writing  his 
jouraal  and  a  letter  to  his  traveller,  Mr.  Bugginson. 
together,  and  to  have  put  into  the  joumal  what  was 
meant  for  the  traveller,  and  most  likely  sent  to  the 
traveller  what  was  meant  for  the  journal.  However, 
our  readers  shall  have  it  as  we  find  it,  and  we  will 
endeavour  to  supply  any  little  deficiencies  from  such 
other  sources  as  are  o]jen  to  us. 

Mr.  JoiTocks  would  soom  to  have  had  another  bye-day 
with  Ben  while  Pigg's  clotlies  wei'C  making,  when  Ben 
did  not  cut  any  lietter  figure  than  he  did  on  the  boiled 
lobster  one.  Having  got  the  hounds  into  cover,  as  soon 
i's  ever  Mr.  JonYx-ks  began  to  yoioks  and  cheer,  and 
crack  his  whip,  exhorting  the  hounds  to  "rout  'ini  out!" 
and  "pash  'im  hup  I"  Bon  stood  erect  in  his  stiiTups, 
and  made  the  following  proclamation,  to  the  great 
amusement  of  the  field : — 

"  I  maintain  that's  the  old  un's  holloo  ! "  "  T  maintain 
that's  tlif  old  un'.s  holloo!"  rejioat^^d  he.  "1  imiintain 
that's  the  old  un's  holloo!"  he  addfd  for  the  iliii-d  lime, 
as  here-seated  hiiiisfU' in  his  saddlo,  and  scull  led  ;iway 
to  astonish  another  group  of  spoi-tsmen  with  a  similar 
declaration. 

Mr.  JoiTocks  adds  to  his  confused  note  of  the  trans- 
action:— "Incoj-rigililc  bouy !  (if)od  mind  to  stuff  him 
full  o'  Melton  diuufi-  pills,  and  see  if  tiicy  will  give  liiiu 
any  knowledge  o'  the  chase." 


346  HANDTjEY  CR0S8 

He  also  seonis  to  have  liad  several  "  bye  "  and  other 
days  at  "  Pineh-me-near  "  forest,  when  a  lif^ht-coloured 
fox  beat  hini  so  often  as  to  acquire  the  name  of  the  "  old 
customer."  We  see  on  cln-oniclinfj  his  losin.cfs  p:enerally, 
he  adds  the  words—"  the  nuisciful  man  is  muscif ul  to 
his  fox  "—just  as  if  he  could  have  killed  him  if  he  chose. 
That,  of  course,  our  readers  will  believe  as  much  of  as 
tlicy  like.  We  shouldn't  like  to  be  a  fox  with  old  J.  at 
our  brush. 

Some  of  his  runs  appear  to  have  been  severe,  at  least 
if  we  may  judge  by  the  entries  of  money  paid  for 
"catchin"  my  'oss  "— "  stoppin'  my  'oss"— and  "helpin 
me  on  to  my  'oss"— which  our  worthy  friend  enters  with 
the  most  scrupulous  accuracy. 

The  following  is  our  master's  minute  of  his  opening- 
day  :— 

"  Wednesday.— Round  of  beef  and  carrots— momentous 
crisis— first  public  day  as  an  M.F.H. — morning  fine, 
ratlier  frosty— there  betimes— landlord  polite— many 
foot-folks— large  field— Romeo  Simpkins  on  S(mtag— 
Captain  Slack  on  Bull  Dog— Miss  Wells  on  Fair  Rosa- 
mond—great many  captains  —  found  soon  — ringiu' 
beggar— ran  three  rounds,  and  accounted  for  him  by 
losin'  him— found  again— a  ditto  with  a  ditto  finish — 
good  for  the  foot-folks— home  at  four— muscif  ul  man  is 
muscif  ul  to  the  foxes.    Paid  for  catching  my  'oss,  6d. 

"  Found  two  petitions.  One  from  Joshua  Peppercorn 
prayin'  his  honour  the  M.F.H.  to  subscribe  to  reinstate 
him  in  a  cai-t  'oss,  his  own  havin'  come  to  an  untimely 
end  of  old  age.  Says  the  M.F.H.'s  always  subscribe. 
Replied  as  follows  : — 

"  '  M.  F.  H.  John  JoiTOcks  presents  his  compliments 
to  Mr.  Joshua  Peppercorn,  and  is  sorry  to  heai-  of  the 
death  of  his  prad,  but  the  M.F.H.  'as  enough  to  do  to 
mount  himself  and  his  men  without  subscriljin'  to  find 
other  folks  i'  quads. 

" '  Diana  Lodge.' 

"Margaret  Lucas  had  her  patent  mangle  seized  for 
rent  and  arrears  of  rent,  and  'opes  the  master  of  tlie  fox- 
dogs  will  do  somethin'  towards  redeeming  it.  Wrote  as 
fVjllows : — ■ 


tt  ( 


'  M.  F.  H.  John  Jorrocks  presents  his  compliments 
to  Mrs.  Margaret  Lucas,  and  is  sorry  to  'ear  of  tlie 
sitivation  of  her  patent  mangle,  but  the  M.F.H.  having 


MR.   JORROCKS'S   JOURNAL  347 

laid  it  down  as  a  ride  never  to  subscribe  to  redeem 
patent  mangles,  can't  depart  from  it  in  her  ease.' 

"People  seem  to  think  M.F.H.'s  have  nothin'  to  do 
but  give  away  tin.  You  know  one  a'n't  quite  siu-e  her 
mother  mayn't  have  sold  her  mangle  I  Besides,  if  I  mis- 
take not,  this  is  one  o'  the  saucy  jades  wot  laughed  at 
me  when  I  came  'ome  with  a  dirty  back. 

"  Mountain  Daisy. — Saturday,  and  few  farmers  out. — 
Not  many  pinks,  but  three  soger  officers,  two  of  them 
mounted  by  Duncan  Nevin — a  guinea  and  a  "alf  a  day 
each,  and  'alf  a  guinea  for  a  hack. — Drew  Slaughterford, 
and  up  to  the  Cloud  Quarries. — Priestess  seemed  to 
think  she  bad  a  touch  of  a  fox  in  the  latter,  but  could 
make  nothin'  on't. — Trotted  dovm  to  Snodbury  Gorse — 
v.-ants  enclosin' — cattle  get  in.  No  sooner  in,  than  out 
came  a  pig,  then  came  a  fox,  then  another  pig — then 
another  fox.— Got  away  with  last  fox,  and  ran  smartly 
down  to  Coombe,  where  we  was  headed  by  a  hedger, 
and  we  never  crossed  his  line  again. — Found  a  second 
fox  in  Scotland  Wood — a  three-legger — soon  disposed 
of  him. — Found  a  tliird  in  Didvertou  Bog,  who  i-an  us 
out  of  light  and  scent ;  stopped  the  'oimds  near  Apjile- 
dove. — Pigg  says  Charley  Stebbs  '  coup'd  his  creels ' 
over  an  'edge. — Scotch  for  throwin'  a  somersault,  I  im- 
derstands.— Paid  foi-  catch  in'  my  'oss,  (id." 

We  also  glean  from  the  journal  that  Mr.  Jorrocks 
allowed  Pigg  to  cap  when  they  killed;  but  Pigg,  not 
finding  that  jn-ocess  so  productive  as  ho  wished,  hit 
upon  the  following  novel  expedient  for  raising  the  wind : 
— Seeing  that  a  great  many  young  gentlemen  apjieared 
at  the  meet  who  never  attemitted  to  get  to  the  finish, 
Pigg  constituted  himself  a  sort  of  insurance  company, 
and  issued  tickets  against  hunting  accidents — similar 
to  what  railway  comiianies  issue  against  railway  ones. 
By  these  he  undertook  for  a  shilling  a  day.  or  five 
shillings  the  season,  to  insure  gentlemen  against  all  tho 
perils  and  dangers  of  the  chase— broken  necks,  broken 
backs,  broken  limbs,  l)roken  heads, and  even  their  horses 
against  bioken  knees. 

Indf'cd,  he  went  fni-ther  than  this,  and  we  have  l^een 
told  liy  parties  who  worn  jire.sent  and  liciird  him,  that  he 
would  send  Ben  among  the  outsidcr.s  at  the  moot,  sing- 
ing out,  "  Take  your  tickets,  gents !  please  take  yoin* 
tickets !  goin'  '\ut(>  a  hawful  country — desperate  bull- 
fiMchersI  yawnin'  <lit<"h<'H  I  rails  that'll  noutliei'  brick 
nor  bend!     Old   un  got  his  monkey  full  o"  l)r;in(ly  I  "  by 


318  HANPLET  CROSS 

which  meaiis,  and  occasionally  by  dint  of  sweai'inf^f  he'd 
"  ride  over  some  of  them  if  he  caiiprlit  them  down,"  Pifjj? 
manafjfed  to  extract  a  «food  deal  of  money. 

Ml".  Jorrocks,  we  may  ol)serve,  seems  to  have  been  in 
the  habit  of  filling  his  sherry  flask  with  brandy  wlicn 
going  into  a  stiff  coixntry— a  thing  of  very  frequent 
occurrence  with  our  friend. 

The  following  is  the  mixed  entry  between  the  traveller 
and  the  trespasser,  if  we  may  so  call  the  fox — which  we 
pi'esent  as  a  triie  copy — "  errors  excepted,"  as  they  say 
in  the  City  : — 

"  When  you  go  to  'Alifax,  yoTi'll  most  likely  see  Martin 
Proiidfoote,  of  Sharpset  Hill.  This  cove's  father  bit  me 
uncommon  'ard,  a'most  the  first  journey  I  ever  took, 
when  a  great  stupid  flock  o'  sheep  made  slap  for  the 
gate,  and  reg'larly  stopi^ed  the  way,  there  being  no  way 
out  'cept  over  a  most  uupossible,  'eart-rendin'  'edge,  with 
a  ditch  big  enough  to  'old  a  cathedral  church,  which 
gave  the  infatuated  fox  considerable  adwantage  *  * 
(illegible)  *  *  for  he  had  got  early  information  that 
sugar  had  riz.  *  *  (illegible)  *  *  there  bein'  only 
3000  and  odd  bags  of  Mauritius,  at  fi-om  29s.  to  32s.  for 
brown,  and  summut  like  the  same  quantity  o'  wite 
Benares,  and  though  *  *  (blot  and  illegible)  *  * 
we  found  'im  at  the  extremity  of  our  wale  country,  and 
ran  'im  for  more  nor  an  hour  at  a  rattlin'  pace  thi-ough 
the  entire  length  o'  the  grass-land,  and  then  away  for 
the  open  downs,  crossin'  the  river  near  the  mill  at 
Floater- heels,  the  'ounds  castin'  hup  and  down  the  banks 
to  satisfy  themselves  the  fox  was  not  on  their  side,  then 
returnin'  to  the  point  to  which  they 'ad  carried  the  scent, 
they  all  dashed  in  like  a  row  o'  boiiys  bathin',  so  (some- 
thing wi])ed  out  with  his  finger— then  half  a  line 
illegible).  You  must  just  do  as  you  can  about  coifees, 
for  I  can't  possibly  be  always  at  your  helbow  to  cast 
you,  but  be  careful  o'  the  native  Ceylon,  and  don't  give 
above  48s.  per  cwt.  for  good  ordinary  .  .  I'd  be  sweeter 
on  either  Mocha  or  Rio,  for  it  isn't  possible  to  see  a 
better  or  truer  line  'unter  than  old  Factor,  or  one  that  I 
should  'ave  less  'esitation  in  usin'  as  a  stud-'ound, 
though  some  may  say  his  flat  feet  are  agin  'im,  but 
'andsome  is  wot  'andsome  does,  and  I'll  always  speak 
well  o'  the  bridge  wot  carries  me  over,  so  tell  Faii-lips 
it's  all  gammon  sayin'  tlie  last  siigars  we  sent  him  were 
not  equal  to  sample — and  that  his  customers  can  be  no 
judges  of  quality  or  they  wouldn't  say  so.  Tell  him 
always  to  show  an  inferior  sample  first,  and  always  to 


MR.   JOKROCKS'S   JOURNAL  349 

show  wite  siif^ars  on  l)lue  ])aper — Ijiit  if  the  man's  to  be 
tiuight  the  first  rudiments  of  his  trade,  it's  time  he  gave 
hup  'imtin^  the  country,  for  things  can't  be  done  now  as 
they  used  in  old  Warde  and  Sam  Nichol's  time,  when 
men  fed  their  'osses  on  new  oats,  and  didn't  care  to 
look  into  their  pedigrees,  and  nothin'  but  a  fiat  i'  bank- 
ruptcy will  teach  sich  a  chap  wisdom,  and  in  course  the 
lighter  we  ride  in  his  books  the  better,  for  giving  away 
one's  goods  is  a  most  absurd  prodigality,  seasoned  foxes 
bein'  as  necessary  to  sport  as  experienced  'ounds — for 
you  may  rely  upon  it  if  we  seek  for  comfort  here  below 
it  will  only  be  found  in  a  'ound  and  a  pettikit;  and 
wotever  they  may  say  about  the  merits  of  a  slight  dash 
o'  chicory  in  coffee,  there's  more  wirtue  in  the  saddle 
than  in  all  the  doctor's  bottles  put  together,  so  I'd  have 
nothin'  wotever  to  do  with  cheap  tea, — and  beware  of 
.snpplyin'  any  of  the  advertisin'  chaps,  for  scent  of  all 
things  is  the  most  fluctuatin'  and  *  *  (illegible) 
tliere's  nothin'  so  queer  as  scent  'cept  a  woman,  and 
tradesmen  undersellin',  and  'ounds  choppin'  foxes  in 
cover  is  more  a  proof  of  their  wice  " — (Inkstand  appa- 
rently upset,  making  a  black  sea  on  the  paper.) 


CHAPTER    XXXV 


THE   "cat   and   custard-pot"   DAY 

HE  above  day 
deserves  a  more  ex- 
tended notice  than 
it  receives  in  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  journal. 
He  writes  that 
"  somehow  or  other 
in  shavin',  he 
tliou^ht  they'd  'ave 
mischief,"  and  he 
went  into  the 
f^arden  as  soon  as 
lie  was  dressed  to 
consult  the  prophet, 
Gabriel  Junks,  so 
that  he  mif^jht  take 
his  pocket  Siphonia 
in  case  it  was  likely 
to  1je  wet,  but  the 
bird  was  not  there. 
Then  just  as  he  had 
breakfasted  and  was 
about  ready  for  a  start,  youn.i*"  May,  the  grocer,  sent  him 
a  horse  to  look  at,  and  as  "  another  gen'l'man "  was 
waiting  for  the  next  offer  of  him,  Charley  and  Mr. 
Jorrocks  stayed  behind  to  try  him,  and  after  a  hard 
deal,  Mr.  Jorroclcs  Ijought  him  for  £30 — which  he  makes 
a  mem.  :  "  to  call  ii.50." 

Meanwhile  Pigg  and  Ben  trotted  on  with  the  hounds, 
and  when  they  reached  the  meet — the  sign  of  the  "  Cat 
and  Custard-pot,"  on  the  Muswell  Road,  they  found  an 
immense  assemblage,  some  of  whom  greeted  Pigg  with 
the  familiar  inquiry,  "  what  he'd  have  to  drink  ?  " 

"  Brandy  ! "  replied  Pigg,  "  brandy  !  "  and  tossing  off 
the  glass  with  great  gusto,  a  second  horseman  volunteered 
one,  then  a  third,  then  a  fourth,  then  a  fifth  ;   for  it  is 


THE     •  CAT  AND   CUSTARD-POT  "   DAY  351 

observable  that  there  are  i)eople  in  the  -svorld  who  will 
give  away  drink  to  any  extent,  who  yet  would  be  chary 
of  offei-ing  either  money  or  meat.  Pig-g,  who,  as  Mr. 
Jorrocks  says  in  his  journal,  is  only  a  litsus  iiafune,  or 
loose  'un  by  natur",  tosses  off  glass  after  glass,  smackiug 
his  lips  and  slapping  his  thigh,  getting  noisier  and  noisier 
with  each  succeeding  potation.  Now  he  would  sing 
them  a  song,  now  he  would  take  the  odds  ag'in  Marley 
HiU,  then  he  would  teU  them  about  Deavilboger's  farm, 
and  how,  but  for  his  foreelder  John,  tTohn  Pigg,  ye  see, 
willin'  his  brass  to  the  Formary  ye  see,  he'd  ha  been  a 
genTman  that  day  and  huntin'  his  o-v\ai  hunds.  Then 
a.s  another  glass  made  its  appearance,  he  would  take  off 
his  cap  and  halloo  out  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  making 
the  hounds  stare  with  astonishment,  "Keep  the 
tambourine  a  rowlin'!"  adding  as  he  tossed  it  off, 
*'  Brandy  and  baccy  'ill  gar  a  man  live  for  iver ! "  And 
now  when  he  was  about  at  the  noisiest,  with  his  cap 
turned  peak-backwards,  and  the  tobacco  juice  simmering 
down  the  deejjly  indented  furrows  of  his  chin,  our 
master  and  Charley  appear  in  the  distance,  jogging  on, 
not  too  quickly  for  consequence,  but  sufficiently  fast  to 
BJiow  they  are  aware  they  are  keeping  the  field  waiting. 

"  Here  he' comes  I  here's  Jorrocks !  here's  the  old  boy  ! 
here's  Jackey  at  last ! "  runs  tlu-ough  the  meeting,  and 
horsemen  begin  to  an-ange  themselves  for  the  reception. 

"  A— a— a  sink  !  "  exclaims  Pigg,  shaking  his  head, 
blinking  and  staring  that  way,  "  here's  canny  ard  sweet- 
broeks  hissel !"  adding  with  a  slap  of  his  thigh  as  the 
roar  of  laughter  the  exclamation  produced  subsided, 
"  A— a— a,  }>ut  ar  de  like  to  see  his  feulish  'ard  feace  a 
grinnin'  in  onder  his  cap !  " 

"  How  way,  canny  man ;  how  way ! "  now  shouts 
Pigg,  waving  his  hand  ;ih  liis  master  approached. 
"  Howvvay  !  canny  man.  how  way  !  and  give  us  a  wag  o' 
thy  neif,"  Pigg  extending  liis  hand  as  he  spoke. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  drew  up  with  great  dignity,  and  placing 
his  fist  in  his  side,  proceeded  to  reconnoitre  llie  .scene. 

II  Hiiniph  !"  gnintod  he,  "  wot's  all  this  about  ?  " 

"Sink,  but  ar'll  gi'  lliou  a  gob  full  o'  baccy,"  conliiiued 
James,  nothing  daunted  b^'  his  master's  refusal  of  his 
hand.  "Sink,  but  ai-'U  gi'  thou  a  gob  full  o'  baccy," 
rej>eated  he,  diving  into  his  waistcoat  jxicket  and  i)ro- 
ducing  a  large  stoel  tolnicco  box  as  he  sjxjke. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  significfl  his  dissent  I)y  a  chuck  of 
the  chin,  and  an  ominous  shake  of  the  head. 

"  A— a— a    man  !  "    exclaimed    Pigg,    now    changing 


352  HANDLBY   CROSS 

his  tone,  "  but  ar'll  tell  thee  of  a  lass  well  worth  her 
licks !  " 

"  You  deserve  your  ow)),  sir,  for  gettin'  so  drunk," 
observed  Mr.  Jorroeks,  haughtily. 

Pigg. — "  Ar's  as  sober  as  ye  are,  and  a  deal  wizer  ! " 

Jorroeks  (angrily). — "  I'll  not  condescend  to  compare 
notes  w^ith  ye  !  " 

Pigg  (now  flaring  up). — "  Sink ;  if  anybody  'ill  had 
mar  huss,  ar'll  get  off  and  fight  him." 

Jorroeks,  contemptuously. — "  Better  stick  to  the  shop- 
board  as  long  as  you  can." 

Pigg,  furious. — '"  Gin  ar  warn't  afeard  o'  hoggin  mar 
neif,  ard  gi  thou  a  good  crack  i'  thy  kite ! " 

JoiToeks,  with  emphasis. — "  Jiaw — da — clou.s  feller. 
I'll  'imt  the  'ounds  myself  afore  I'll  put  hup  with  sich 
himperence ! " 

Pigg.  throwing  out  his  arms  and  grinning  inecstacies. — 
"  Ar'il  be  death  of  a  guinea  but  arl  coom  and  see  thee  ! " 

Jorroeks  (looking  indignantly  round  on  the  now  mirth- 
convulsed  company). — "  Who's  made  my  Pigg  so  drunk  ?  " 

Nobody  answered. 

"  Didn't  leave  his  sty  so,"  muttered  our  master, 
lowering  himself  jockey  ways  from  his  horse. 

'"Old  my  quad,"  said  he  to  Charley,  handing  him 
Arterxerxes,  "while  I  go  in  and  see." 

Our  master  then  stumped  in.  and  presently  encoim- 
teriug  the  great  attraction  of  the  place — the  beautiful 
Miss  D'Oiley — asked  her,  with  a  smiling  countenance 
and  a  hand  in  a  pocket,  as  if  about  to  pay,  "Wot  his 
'imtsman  'ad  'ad?" 

"  Oh,  sir,  it  is  all  paid,"  replied  Miss  D'Oiley,  smiling 
as  sweetly  upon  Jorroeks  as  she  did  on  the  generality  of 
her  father's  customers,  for  she  had  no  more  heart  than  a 
punch-bowl. 

"Is  all  paid  ?  "  muttered  our  friend. 

"  Yes,  sir ;  each  gentleman  paid  as  he  sent  out  the 
glass." 

"  Humph ! "  twigged  Mr.  Jori-ocks,  adding,  with  a 
grunt,  "and  that's  wot  these  critters  call  sport !" 

Our  master  then  stumped  out.  "Well,  gen'l'men," 
exclaimed  he,  at  the  top  of  his  voice  off  the  horse- 
block, "  I  'opes  you're  satisfied  wi'  your  day's  sport ! — 
you've  made  my  nasty  Pigg  as  drunk  as  David's  sow,  so 
now  you  may  all  go  'ome,  for  I  shalln't  throw  oft';  and 
as  to  you,"  continued  our  indignant  master,  addressing 
the  now  somewhat  crestfallen  Pigg,  "  you  go  'ome  too, 
and  take  off  my  garments,  and  take  yourself  oif  to  your 


THE       CAT   AND   CUSTARD-POT  "   DAr  353 

native  mountains,  for  I'll  see  ye  at  Jericho  ayont  Jordan 
afore  you  shall  'imt  my  'ounds,"  giving  his  thigh  a  hearty 
slap  as  he  spoke. 

"  Wy,  wy,  sir,"'  replied  Pigg,  turning  his  quid ;  "  wy, 
wy,  sir,  ye  ken  best,  only  diuua  ye  try  to  hont  them 
thyseV—t/tat'sarle!" 

*■  There  ai-e  as  good  fish  i'  the  sea  as  everciime  out 
on't!"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  brandishing  his  big  whip 
furiously;  adding,  "I'll  see  ye  leadin'  an  old  ooman's 
lap-dog  'bout  in  a  string  afore  ,//oi(  shall  "unt  'em." 

"  No,  ye  won't !  "  responded  Pigg.  "  No,  ye  won't ! 
Ai-ve  ne  carle  te  de  nothin"  o'  the  sort !  Ai've  ne  carle 
te  de  nothin'  o'  the  sort !— Aiie  gan  back  to  mar  coosin 
Deavilboger's." 

"You  may  gan  to  the  devil  himself,"  retoi-ted  Mr. 
JoiTocks,  vehemently—"  you  may  gan  to  the  devil  him- 
self—" I'll  see  ye  sellin'  small  coals  from  a  donkey-cart 
out  of  a  quart  pot  afore  you  shall  stay  wi'  me." 

"Thou's  a  varra  feulish,  noisey,  gobby,  insufficient, 
ard  man!"  retorted  Pigg,  "and  ar  doesn't  regard 
thee!  No;  ar  doesn't  regard  THEE!"roared  he, with 
a  defiant  flourish  of  his  fist. 

"You're  a  hignorant,  hawdacious,  rebelliotis  rascal, 
;ind  I'U  see  ye  frightenin'  rats  from  a  bara  wi'  the  bag- 
pipes at  a  'alfpenny  a  day,  and  tindin'  yom-sel,  afore  I'll 
'ave  anj-thing  more  to  say  to  ye,"  rejoined  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
gathering  up  his  big  whip  as  if  for  the  fray. 

"  Sink,  arle  tak'  and  welt  thee  like  an  ard  shoe,  if  thou 
gives  me  ony  mair  o'  thy  gob !  "  rejoined  the  now  furious 
P'gg,  ejecting  his  baccy  and  motioning  as  if  aI)out  to 
dismount. 

Jorrocks,  tliinking  he  had  done  enough,  then  took  liis 
liorse  from  Charley  Stol>bs,  and  hoisting  himself  on  like 
a  great  crate  of  earthenware,  whistled  his  hounds  away 
from  the  still  stupefied  Pigg,  who  sat  liliuking  and 
stiiring  and  shaking  his  head,  tliinking  tliero  were  two 
JoiTocks's  on  two  Arterxerxes',  two  lien's,  two  Cliarley 
8tol)bs's,  and  something  like  tive-and-forty  couple  of 
liounds. 

The  field  remained  l)ehijul  praising  Pigg  and  abusing 
Jorrocks,  and  dechiring  they  would  withdraw  thr-ir  Kui>- 
scriptions  to  the  hounds  if  Pigg  "  ^'ot  the  sack."  None 
of  them  would  see  Pigg  want;  ami  ll.niy  Capper,  more 
vfrhement  than  the  rest,  j)ropoHe(l  an  immediate  sub- 
Hcrii)tion,  a  Huggestion  lliatliad  tlif3  effect  of  diHi)er8ing 
the  field,  who  slunk  off  dilT.  rent  ways  as  soon  an  ever  the 
allusion  to  the  pocket  was  made. 

A   .1 


351.  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Jorrocks  was  desperately  angry,  for  he  had  had  an 
expensive  "  stop,"  and  came  bent  on  mischief.  His 
confusion  of  mind  made  liim  mistake  the  road  home,  and 
fjo  by  Rumfiddler  Green  instead  of  Muswcll  HiU.  He 
spurred,  and  cropped,  and  jagged  Arterxerxes— now 
vowing  that  he  would  send  him  to  the  tanners  when  he 
got  'ome — now  that  he  would  have  him  in  the  boiler  afore 
night.  He  was  very  much  out  of  sorts  with  himself  and 
everybody  else— even  the  hounds  didn't  please  him — 
always  getting  in  his  way,  lianging  back  looking  for 
James  Pigg,  and  Ben  had  fine  fun  cutting  and  flopping 
them  fon-ard. 

Charley,  like  a  wise  man,  kept  aloof. 

In  this  nnamiable  mood  our  master  progressed,  until 
the  horrible  apparition  of  a  great  white  turnpike-gate, 
staring  out  from  the  gable-end  of  a  brick  txjll-house, 
startled  his  vision  and  caused  him  to  turn  short  np  a  Avide 
green  lane  to  the  left.  "  Take  care  o'  the  pence  and  the 
])unds  'ill  take  care  o'  theirsels,"  muttered  our  master  to 
himself,  now  sensible  that  he  had  mistaken  his  road,  and 
looking  around  for  some  landmark  to  steer  by.  Just  as 
he  was  identifying  White  Choker  Church  in  the  distance, 
a  sudden  something  shot  through  the  body  of  the  late 
loitering,  indiiferent  hounds,  apparently  influencing  them 
with  a  sort  of  invisible  agency.  Another  instant,  and  a 
wild  snatch  or  two  right  and  left  ended  in  a  whimi)er 
and  a  general  shoot  up  the  lane. 

"A  fox  !  for  a  'nnderd  !  "  muttered  our  master,  draw- 
ing breath  as  he  eyed  them.  "  A  fox !  for  two-aud- 
twenty  'underd ! "  continued  he,  as  Priestess  feathered 
but  sj>oke  not. 

'■  A  fox !  for  a  million ! "  roared  he,  as  old  Ravager 
threw  his  tongue  lightly  but  confidently,  and  Jorrocks 
cheered  him  to  the  echo. 

"  A  fox  !  for  'alf  the  national  debt !  "  roared  he,  looking 
roimd  at  Charley  as  he  gathered  himself  together  for  a 
start. 

Now  as  Jorrocks  woiUd  say,  Beckford  would  say, 
"  where  are  all  yoiu*  sorrows  and  your  cares,  ye  gloomy 
souls  ?  or  where  your  i^ains  and  aches,  ye  comiilaining 
ones  ?  one  whimper  has  dispelled  them  all." 

Mr.  Jorrocks  takes  off  his  cap  and  lu'ges  the  tail- 
liomids  on.  A  few  more  driving  shoots  and  stops, 
jjioducing  increased  velocity  with  each  effort,  and  a  few 
more  quick  snatchy  whim]jer8,  end  in  an  unanimous 
outburst  of  downriglitly  determined  melody. 

Jorrocks,  cocking   his  cap  on  his  car   seats  himself 


THE   "  CAT  AND   CUSTABD-POT  "   DAY  355 

plump  in  bis  j^reut  saddle,  and,  gathering  bis  reins, 
gallops  after  them  in  the  full  grin  of  delight.  Away 
they  tear  np  the  rutty,  gi-assy  ride,  as  if  it  was  a  railway. 
"  F-o-o-r-rard  on  I    F-o-o-r-rard  on  !  "  is  his  cry. 

"H-o-i-c  cry!  h-o-i-c  cry!  b-o-i-c ! "  squeaks  Ben, 
wishing  himself  at  home  at  the  mutton,  and  delighted  at 
having  got  rid  of  James  Pigg,  who  always  would  have 
the  first  cut. 

It  is  a  long  lane  that  never  has  a  turn,  and  this  one 
was  no  exception  to  the  iiile,  for  in  due  course  it  came  to 
an  abrupt  angle.  A  convenient  meuse,  however,  inviting 
the  fox  onward,  be  abandoned  the  line  and  pursued  his 
coui-se  over  some  bare,  badly-fenced  pastures,  across 
\yhich  Mr.  Jorrocks  cheered  and  rode  with  all  the  con- 
fidence of  a  man  who  sees  his  way  out.  The  pace 
mended  as  they  went,  and  Jon-ocks  hugged  himself  with 
the  idea  of  killing  a  fox  without  Pigg.  From  the 
l)astures  they  got  upon  Straggleford  Moor,  pretty  much 
the  same  soi't  of  ground  as  the  fields,  but  the  fox  brvish- 
ing  as  he  went,  there  was  a  still  further  improvement  of 
scent.  Jon-ocks  then  began  to  bet  himself  hats  that  he'd 
kill  him,  and  went  vowing  what  he  would  offer  to  Diana 
if  he  did.  There  was  scarcely  any  promise  too  wild  for 
him  to  make  at  this  moment.  The  fox,  however,  was  not 
disposed  to  accommodate  Jon-ocks  with  much  more 
jdain  sailing  for  the  purpose,  and  seeing,  by  the  scai-let 
coats,  that  he  was  not  pursued  by  his  old  friends  the 
Dotfield  hari-iers,  as  at  first  he  thought,  and  with  whom 
ho  had  had  many  a  game  at  romps,  he  jjresently  sunk 
the  hill  and  made  for  tlie  stiffly-fenced  vale  Ijclow. 

"Blow  me  tight!"  exclaimed  Jorrocks,  shortening 
hia  hold  of  Arterxeixes, and  putting  his  head  straight  as 
he  used  to  do  down  the  Surrey  hills,  "  Blow  me  tight! 
l)ut  I  wish  he  mayn't  be  gettin'  me  into  giief.  This  looks 
to  me  weri-y  like  the  Ingerleigh  Wale,  and  if  it  is,  it's  a 
bit  of  as  nasty  ridin'  grund  as  ever  mortal  man  got  into — 
yawuin'  dit<-,h<'H  with  himoracticablR  iVju-f.s.  posts  with 
rails  of  the  most  formidar>le  order,  and  that  nasty  long 
Tommy  bnik,  twistin'  and  twinin'  about  in  all  directions 
like  a  child'H  rattle-snake.  'Owever,  thank  goodness, 
'ere's  a  gaj)  and  a  gate  beyond,"  continued  be,  as  his 
quick  eye  canglil  a  gap  at  the  rornor  of  the  stuljbie  field 
lie  was  now  ajiiiroaching,  \vi)i<;h  g«!tf  ing  tlirougii,  he  rose 
in  his  stirrups  and  cheered  on  the  hounds  in  tiie  line  of 
the  other  convenience.  "  For-r-.i-r-d  !  For-r-a-r-d !  " 
shrieked  lin,  pointing  the  now  racing  hounds  out  to 
Charlie,  who  wiia  a  little  behind;  "for-rard!  for-rard!" 


n5<> 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


continued  Jorrocks,  rib-roasting  Arterxerxes.  The  gate 
■was  locked,  but  Jackey— we  beg  his  pardon— Mr. 
Jorrocks— was  quickly  oil",  and  setting  his  great  back 
against  it,  lifted  it  off  the  hinges.  "  Go  on  !  never  mind 
me ! "  cried  he  to  Charley,  who  had  pulled  up  as  Jorrocks 
Avas  dancing  about  with  one  foot  in  the  stirrup,  trying  to 
remount.—"  Go  on !  never  mind  me  !  "  repeated  he,  with 


desjierate  energy,  as  lie  made  another  assault  at  the 
saddle.  "  Get  on,  Ben,  you  most  useless  aispendage  !  " 
continued  he,  now  lying  across  tlie  saddle,  like  a  miller's 
sack.  A  few  flounders  land  liim  in  the  desired  haven, 
and  he  trots  on,  playing  at  catch-stirrup  with  his  right 
foot  as  he  goes. 

_"  Fon-ard  on!  forrard  on!"  still  screamed  he,  cracking 
his  ponderous  whip,  though  the  hounds  were  running 


THE   "  CAT  AND   CUSTARD-POT  "   DAY  357 

away  from  him  as  it  was,  but  lie  wanted  to  get  Cliarley 
Stobbs  to  the  front,  as  there  was  no  one  to  break  his 
fences  for  him  but  him. 

The  honnds.  who  had  been  runninsf  with  a  breast-high 
scent,  get  their  noses  to  the  ground  as  they  come  upon 
fallow,  and  a  few  kicks,  jags,  and  objnrgiitions  on  Jor- 
rocks's  part  soon  bring  Arterxerxes  and  him  into  the 
field  in  which  they  are.     The  scent  begins  to  fail. 

"G — e-e-e-nt — ly  there!"  cries  Jorrocks,  holding  up 
his  hand  and  reining  in  his  horse,  inwardly  hoping  the 
fox  might  l>e  on  instead  of  ofE  to  the  right,  where  he 
sees  his  shiny  friend,  long  Tommy,  meandering  smoothly 
along. 

'•  Yo  dole !  Ravager,  good  dog,  yo  dufe,  Ravagor ! " 
cheers  Jorrocks,  as  the  sage  feathers  and  scuttles  up  the 
furrow.  ''[Yu-o  dote !"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  cheering 
the  rest  on — adding  as  he  looks  at  them  scoring  to  cry, 
"  wot  a  petty  it  is  we  can't  put  new  legs  to  old  noses  !  " 
The  spurt,  however,  is  of  short  duration,  for  the  ground 
gets  worse  as  it  rises  higher,  until  the  tenderest-nosed 
hound  can  hardly  own  the  scent.  A  heavy  cloud  too 
oppresses  the  atmosphere.  Jorrocks  sees  if  he  doesn't 
look  sharp  he'll  very  soon  be  run  out  of  scent,  so 
getting  hold  of  his  hounds,  he  makes  a  rapid  speculation 
in  his  mind  as  to  which  way  he  wttuld  go  if  he  were  the 
fox,  and  having  decided  that  point,  he  loses  no  time  in 
getting  the  pack  to  the  place. — Jorrocks  is  right ! — 
Ravager's  uneiring  nose  proclaims  the  varmint  across 
the  green  headland,  and  the  next  field  being  a  clover  ley, 
with  a  liandy  gate  in,  which  indeed  somewhat  influenced 
Jorrocks  in  his  cast,  the  hounds  again  settle  to  the  scent, 
with  Jorrocks  rolling  joyfully  after  them,  declaring  he'd 
be  tiio  l^jst  'untsnian  un<ler  the  sun  if  it  warn't  for  the 
confounded  lips.  Away  he  now  crams,  up  the  field  road, 
with  the  hounds  chirping  merrily  along  on  his  right, 
through  tuniiiKS,  oat  stuhhlc.  winter  beans,  and  plough. 
A  white  farm  onsteatl.  Buckwheat  Grange,  with  its 
barking  ciir  in  a  barrel,  causes  the  fox  to  change  his 
course  and  slip  down  a  broken  but  grassy  bank  to  the 
left.  "  Dash  iiis  impittance,  but  he's  taken  us  into  a 
most  unmanageable  c(Huitry,"  observes  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
shading  his  eyes  from  the  now  ont-bursting  sun  with 
his  hand  as  he  trottf^d  on,  eyeing  the  oft  occurring  fences 
as  he  87>oke.  "Lost  all  itlee  of  where  I  ham,  and  where 
I'm  a  goin',"  continued  he,  looking  about  to  see  if  he 
could  recognize  anything.  Hills,  dales,  woods,  water 
were  equally  new  to  him. 


358  irANDIiEY   CROSS 

Crash !  now  po  the  hounds  npon  an  old  dead  thorn- 
fence,  stuck  on  a  low  sod-bank,  niakinjj^  Jorrocks  shxidder 
at  the  sound.  Over  goes  Stobbs  withoiit  doing  anything 
for  his  followers. 

"  Go  on,  Binjimin !  go  on  !  Now,"  cries  Jorrocks, 
cantering  up,  cracking  his  whip,  as  if  he  wanted  to  take 
it  in  stride,  but  in  reality  to  frighten  Ben  over  to  break 
it.  "  Go  on,  ye  miserable  man-monkey  of  a  boy ! "  re- 
peats he,  as  Xerxes  now  turned  tail,  nearly  upsetting 
our  master^"  Oh,  you  ei)itome  of  a  tailor ! "  groaned 
Jorrocks ;  "  you're  of  no  more  use  wi'  'oi;nds  than  a 
lady's-maid, — do  believe  I  could  make  as  good  a  wipper- 
in  out  of  a  carrot !  See !  you've  set  my  quad  a  ref  usin', 
and  I'll  bet  a  guinea  'at  to  a  'alf-crown  wide-awake  he'll 
not  face  another  fence  to-day. — Come  hup,  I  say,  you 
hugly  beast ! "  now  roared  Jorrocks,  pretending  to  ])ut 
Arterxerxes  resolutely  at  it,  but  in  reality  holding  him 
hard  by  the  head, — "  Get  oif,  ye  useless  apology  of  a 
hosier  and  pull  it  down,  or  I'll  give  you  sich  a  wopping 
as  '11  send  you  to  Blair  Athol  for  the  rest  of  the  day," 
exclaimed  our  half- distracted  master,  brandishing  his 
flail  of  a  whip  as  he  spoke. 

Ben  gladly  alighted,  and  by  dint  of  pulling  away  the 
dead  thorns,  and  scratching  like  a  rabbit  at  the  bank,  he 
succeeded  in  greatly  reducing  the  obstacle. 

"  Now  lead  him  over ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks,  applying  his 
whip  freely  to  Xerxes,  and  giving  Ben  a  sly,  accidental  cut. 
Xerxes  floundered  over,  nearly  crushing  Ben,  and  making 
plain  sailing  for  Jorrocks.  Our  master  then  followed  and 
galloped  away,  leaving  Ben  writhing  and  crying,  and 
vowing  that  he  would  "'  take  and  pull  him  off  his  'oss." 

The  hounds  had  now  shot  a  few  fields  ahead,  bat  a 
flashy  catching  scent  diminishing  their  pace,  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks was  soon  Ijack  to  them  yoicking  and  holding  them 
on.  '"  Tooi,  over  he  goes !  "  cheered  he,  taking  off  his 
cap,  as  Priestess  endorsed  Ranger's  promissory  note  on 
a  vei'y  wet  nndrained  fallow — "Tooi,  over  he  goes!" 
repeated  he,  eyeing  the  fence  into  it,  and  calculating 
whether  he  could  lead  over  or  scuttle  up  to  the  white 
gate  on  the  left  in  less  time,  and  thinking  the  latter  was 
safer,  having  got  the  hounds  over,  he  rose  in  his  stirrups, 
and  pounded  away  while  Charley  took  the  fence  in  his 
stride.  They  were  now  upon  sound  old  pasture,  lying 
parallel  with  tortuous  Tommy,  and  most  luvisical  were 
the  liounds'  notes  as  each  in  turn  prevailed. — Mr.  Jorrocks 
had  lit  on  his  legs  in  the  way  of  gates,  and  holloaed  and 
rode  as  if  he  didn't  know  what  craning  was. 


THE   "  CAT   AND   CUSTARD-POT  "   DAY  359 

"Fovrartl  on,  Priestess,  old  beteb!"  cheered  lie.  ad- 
dressing himself  to  the  now  leadincr  honnd.  "  forvard  on  ! 
--for-rard!"  addinsr,  "I'll  gie  ye  sirh  a  plate  o'  bones  if 
we  do  but  kill." 

On  the  hounds  went  bustlin.^,  chirpin<r,  and  whimper- 
ing, all  anxious  to  tly,  but  still  not  able  to  accomplish  it. 
The  scent  was  shifty  and  bad,  sometimes  serving  them, 
and  then  as  quickly  failing?,  as  if  the  fox  had  been  coursed 
by  a  dog.  Jon-ocks,  though  desperately  anxious  to  get 
them  on  better  terms  with  their  fox,  trots  gently  on, 
anxiously  eyeing  them,  but  restraining  his  ardour,  by 
repeating  the  old  couplet, — 

"  As  well  as  shape  full  well  he  knows. 
To  kill  their  fox  they  must  have  nose." 

"  Aye,  aye,  but  full  well  he  knows  also,"  continued  our 
master,  after  he  had  repeated  the  lines  three  or  four  times 
over,  "that  to  kill  their  fox  they  must  jn-ess  'im,  at  some 
period  or  other  o'  the  chase,  which  they  don't  seem  at  all 
inclined  to  do,"  continued  he,  looking  at  their  iiulifferent, 
slack  mode  of  proceeding.  "  Forrard  on !  "  at  length 
cries  our  master,  cracking  his  whip  at  a  group  of  dwellers, 
who  seemed  inclined  to  reassure  every  yard  of  the  groinid 
— "Forrard  on!"  repeated  he,  riding  angrily  at  them, 
adding,  "  cub  your  unl)elievin'  'eads,  can't  you  trust  old 
Priestess  and  Ravager  ?  " 

To  increase  our  worthy  master's  perjjlexities,  a  for- 
midable flock  of  sheep  now  wheel  semicirculai'ly  over 
the  line,  completely  obliterating  any  little  scent  that 
remained,  and  though  our  finest  huntsman  under  the 
sun,  aided  by  Charley  as  whip,  quickly  got  the  hounds 
beyond  their  foil,  he  was  not  successful  in  touching  upon 
the  line  of  the  fox  again. 

"Humph,"  grunted  our  master,  reviewing  his  cast, 
"the  sliip  must  ha'  heat  'im,  or  he's  wanishcd  into  thin 
hair;  "  adding,  "jest  put  'em  on  to  me,  Charley,  whilst  1 
makes  one*/  Mr.  (.'I'avcn  Smith'.s  patent  all-rouud-uiy-'at 
cfists,  for  that  beggar  Binjimin's  of  no  more  use  with  a 
pack  of  'ounds  than  a  hopera-box  would  be  to  a  cow,  or 
ii  frilled  shirt  to  a  pig."  So  saying,  Mr.  Jorrocks  out 
witli  liis  tootler,  and  giving  a  shrill  blast,  seconded  by 
Charley's  wliip,  jiroceeded  to  tro  down  wind,  and  uj)  wiud, 
and  round  about  wind,  without,  however,  feeling  a.  toucii 
of  his  fox.  At  length  scarce  a  hound  would  stoop,  and 
old  black  Lucifer  gave  unmistakable  evidence  of  his 
oi)inion  of  matters  by  rolling  liimself  just  under  Jor- 
rocka'a  horHe'w  nose,  and  uttering  a  long-drawn  howl,  as 


300  HANDT.EY    CROSS 

much  iis  to  say,  "  Come,  old  boy  !  slmt  up !  it's  no  use 
botlieriiifif :  let's  ofB  to  dinner  !  " 

"  Rot  ye  !  ye  great  lumberin'  henterpriseless  Ijrute  !  " 
roared  Jorrocks,  cutting  indignantly  nt  him  with  his 
whip,  ''  rot  ye  !  d'ye  think  I  boards  and  lodges  and  pays 
tax  'pon  you  to  'ave  ye  settin'  up  your  'olesale  hiniper- 
auce  that  way  ? — y-e-e-t-e  away,  ye  disgracef ul_  sleepin' 
partner  o'  the  chase ! "  continued  he,  as  the  frightened 
hound  scuttled  away  with  his  tail  between  his  legs. 

"  Well,  it's  nine  'underd  and  fifty  thousand  petties," 
muttered  our  master  now  that  the  last  of  the  stoojiers 
had  got  up  their  heads,  "  it's  nine  'underd  and  fifty 
thousand  petties  that  I  hadn't  got  close  away  at  his 
brush,  for  I'd  ha'  killed  'im  to  a  dead  certainty.  Never 
was  a  fox  better  'unted  than  that!  Science,  patience, 
judgnneut,  skill,  everything  that  constitutes  an  'untsman 
— Goodhall,  himself,  couldn't  ha'  done  it  better!  But 
it's  not  for  moi-tals  to  command  success,"  sighed  our 
now  greatly  dejected  master. 


CHAPTER    XXXVI 


JAMES  I'lGO  again!!! 

Just  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  reining  in  bis  liorse  to  blow  his 
houndB  together,  a  wild,  shrill,  view  holloo,  just  such  a 
one  as  a  screech-owl  gives  on  a  clear  frosty  night, 
sounded  through  the  country,  drawing  all  eyes  to 
Caniperdown  Hill,  where  against  tlie  blue  sky  sat  a 
WellingU^n-statuc-like  equesti-ian  with  his  cap  in  the 
air.  waving  and  shouting  for  hard  life. 

The  late  lethargic  hounds  pricked  their  ears,  and 
before  Mr.  Jorrocks  could  ejaculate  the  word  "Pigg  !  " 
the  now  excited  pack  had  l>roke  away,  and  were  stream- 
ing full  cry  across  country  to  where  Pigg  was  p(.'rched. 

"Getaway  hooic  !  Get  away  hooic  !  "  holloiied  our 
master,  deluding  hinjself  with   the   idea  that  he   was 

giving  them  leave.     "  Get  away  h-o-o-ick !     Get  away 
-o-o-ick  I  "  repeated  he,  cracking  his  pojidcrous  whip. 
The  hollooing  still  continued  -loiidci-  if  ijo.ssible  than 
before. 

'■  Blow  rue  tight  1 "  observed  Mr.  Jorr(j<;kH  to  himself, 
"wot  a  pi|)e  the  feller  'as!  a'most  as  good  as  Gabriel 
Junka's  !  "  and  returning  his  honi  to  his  saddle,  he  took 


362  HANDLE Y   CROSS 

a  quick  pflanco  at  the  country  for  a  line  to  the  point, 
instead  of  crashing  after  Charley  Stobbs,  wlio  seenied 
by  the  undue  elevation  of  his  horse's  tail  on  the  far  side 
of  tlie  fence,  to  be  f^ettini;-  into  grief  already.  "  There 
'ill  be  a  way  out  by  those  stacks,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  to 
himself,  eyeing?  a  military-looking  line  of  burly  coni 
stacks  drawn  up  on  the  high  side  of  a  field  to  the  left: 
so  saying  he  caught  Arterxerxes  short  round  by  the 
head,  and  letting  in  the  Latchfords,  tore  away  in  a 
desperate  state  of  flutter  and  excitement,  the  keys  and 
coppers  in  his  pockets  contributing  to  the  commotion. 

Mr.  J.  was  right,  for  convenient  gaps  converged  to 
these  stacks,  from  whence  a  view  of  tlie  farm-house 
(Barley  Hall)  further  on  was  ol^tained.  Away  he  next 
tore  for  it,  dashing  through  the  fold-yards,  leaving  the 
gates  open  as  if  they  were  his  own,  and  catching  Ben 
draining  a  pot  of  porter  at  the  back-door.  Here  our  fat 
friend  had  the  misfortune  to  consult  fanner  Short- 
stubble,  instead  of  trusting  to  his  own  natural  instinct 
for  gaps  and  gates,  and  Shoi-tstubble  put  him  on  a  line 
as  wide  of  his  own  wheat  as  he  covJd,  which  Avas  any- 
thing but  as  direct  a  road  as  friend  Jorrocks  could  have 
found  for  himself.  However,  Camperdown  Hill  was  a 
good  prominent  feature  in  the  country,  and  by  dint  of 
brisk  riding,  Jorrocks  reached  it  in  a  much  shorter  time 
than  the  uninitiated  would  suppose  he  could.  _  Now 
getting  Arterxerxes  by  the  mane,  he  rose  in  his  stirrups, 
hugging  and  cramming  him  up  the  rugged  ride  to  the  top. 

When  he  reached  the  summit,  Pigg,  whose  sight  was 
much  improved,  had  hunted  his  fox  with  a  very  in- 
different scent  round  the  base  of  the  hill,  and  having 
just  got  a  view,  was  capping  the  hounds  on  as  hard  as 
ever  his  horse  could  lay  legs  to  the  ground,  whooping 
and  forcing  the  fox  away  into  the  open. 

"  Wot  a  man  it  is  to  ride ! "  ejaculated  Jorrocks,  eyeing 
Pigg  putting  one  of  Duncan  Nevin's  nags  that  had 
never  seen  hounds  before  at  a  post  and  rail  that  almost 
made  him  rise  perpendicularly  to  clear.  "  Well  done 
you ! "  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  with  a  flounder  and 
scramble  James  got  his  horse  on  his  legs  on  the  far  side, 
and  proceeded  to  scuttle  away  again  as  hard  as  before. 
"  Do  believe  he's  got  a  view  o'  the  varmint,"  continued 
Mr.  JoiTocks.  eyeing  Pigg"s  cap-in-hand  progi-ess. 

"  Wot  a  chaj)  it  would  be  if  it  could  only  keep  itself 
sober  ! "  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  still  eyeing  James 
intently,  and  wishing  he  hadn't  been  too  hard  upon  him. 
"  Of  all  'bominable  vices  under  the  sun  that  of  himtem- 


JAMES   PIGG  AGAIN  363 

perance  is  the  most  deorradiu'  and  disg'ustin',"  continiied 
oiu-  master  emphatically,  accompanyinfj  the  assertion 
with  a  hearty  crack  of  the  whip  dowai  his  legf. 

Jorrocks  now  gets  a  view  of  the  varmint  stealing  away 
over  a  stubhle,  and  though  he  went  stouter  than  our 
master  would  have  liked  if  he  had  been  hunting  himself, 
he  saw  by  Pigg's  determined  way  that  he  was  master  of 
him,  and  had  no  doubt  that  he  would  have  him  in  hand 
before  long.  Accordingly,  our  master  got  Arterxerxes 
by  his  gi-eat  Roman-nosed  head,  and  again  letting  the 
Latchfords  freely  into  his  sides,  sent  him  scrambling 
down-hill  at  a  pace  that  was  perfectly  appalling.  Open 
went  the  gate  at  the  bottom  of  the  liill,  down  Jorrocks 
made  for  the  Long  Tommy  ford,  splash  he  sent  Arter- 
xei*xes  in  JTist  like  Johnny  Gilpin  in  Edmonton  "Wash,— 

■  th^o^ving  the  water  about, 


On  both  sides  of  the  waj-, 

Just  Uke  a  trundling  mop, 

Or  a  wild  goose  at  play." 

Then,  having  got  through,  he  seized  the  horse  by  the 
mane,  and  rose  the  opi)Osing  bank,  determined  to  be  in 
at  the  death  if  he  could.  "  Blow  me  tight !  "  ejaculated 
lie,  "  do  believe  this  hungi'y  high-lander  will  grab  him 
arter  all !  "  And  then  rising  in  his  stirruj)s  and  setting 
up  his  great  slioulders,  Jorrocks  tore  wp  the  broken 
Muggercamp  laue,  sending  the  loose  stones  flying  right 
and  left  as  he  went. 

"If  they  can  but  pash  liim  past  Ravenswing-scar," 
oh»sorved  Mr.  Joirocks,  eyeing  the  leading  hounds 
approaching  it.  "they'll  moj)  'im  to  a  certainty,  for 
there's  nothin'  to  save  'im  urter  it.  Crikey  !  they're 
past !  and  it's  U.P.  with  ohl  Pug !  Well,  if  this  doesn't 
bang  Bannager.  I  doesn't  know  what  does!  If  we  do 
but  kill  'im,  I'll  make  sich  a  liolferin'  to  Bacchus  as  'ill 
perfectly  'stonisli  'ini,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  setting 
Artei-xerxes  agoing  again.  "Our-r-r  along!  you  great 
'aii-y  'eelcd  'unibugl "  gioiiwd  he,  cropping  and  rib- 
roa«ting  the  hoiw;  with  his  whi]). 

Arterxei-xes.  whos?  DCfligree,  porha])8.  luusn't  becni  very 
minutely  looked  into,  soon  begins  to  give  unmistakable 
evidence  of  satiety.  He  dr)eKn't  seem  to  care  nnu-h  about; 
the  whip,  and  no  longer  springs  to  the  npur.  lie  l)egins 
to  play  the  ciistanets,  tfio,  in  a  way  that  is  anylhing  i)>it 
musical  to  Mr.  Jornxiks's  car.  Our  master  feels  that  it 
will  very  nr*()n  be  all  IM'.  with  Ai-terxerxos  too. 

"Come  liuj),  yon  Kiiivellin'.  diivellin'  son  of  a  lneif(>r 


Se>i  HANDLEY  CROSS 

niatcli-maker !  "  lie  roars  out  to  Ben,  who  is  coming' 
laggiufjc  along  in  his  master's  wake.  "Come  on!" 
roared  he,  waving  his  arm  frantically,  as,  on  reaching 
the  top  of  Raveuswing-scar,  he  sees  the  hounds  swinging 
down,  like  a  huiidle  of  clock  ijendulums,  into  the  valley 
below.  '*  Come  hup,  I  say,  ye  miserable,  road-ridin', 
dishlickin'  cub !  and  give  me  that  quad,  for  you're  a 
disgrace  to  a  saddle,  and  only  fit  to  toast  muffins  for  a 
young  ladies'  boardiu'  fschool.  Come  hup,  you  i)reter- 
phiperfect  tense  of  'umbugs  !  "  adding,  "  I  wouldn't  give 
tuppence  a  dozen  for  such  beggarly  boys ;  no,  nut  if 
they'd  give  me  a  paper  bag  to  put  them  in." 

Mr.  Jorrocks,  having  established  a  comfortable 
landing-place  on  a  grassy  mound,  i^roceeded  to  dismount 
from  the  nearly  piimped-out  Arterxerxes,  and  pile  him- 
self on  to  the  much  fresher  Xerxes,  who  had  been  ridden 
more  as  a  second  horse  than  as  a  whipper-in's. 

"  Now  go  along !  "  cried  our  master,  settling  himself 
into  his  saddle,  and  giving  Xerxes  a  hearty  salute  on 
the  neck  with  his  whip.  "  Now  go  along  !  "  repeated  he, 
"  and  lay  yourself  out  as  if  you  were  in  the  cut-me- 
downs,"  adding,  "  there  are  twenty  couple  of  'ounds  on 
the  scent !  " 

"  By  'eavens,  it's  sublime !  "  exclaimed  he,  eyeing  the 
hounds,  streaming  away  over  a  hundred-acre  pasture 
below.  "By  'eavens,  it's  sublime!  'ow  they  go,  screechin' 
and  towlin'  along,  jest  like  a  pocket  full  o'  marbles.  'Ow 
the  old  wood  re-echoes  their  melody,  and  the  old  castle 
seemingly  takes  pleasure  to  repeat  the  sound.  A  Jullien 
conceit's  notliin'  to  it.  No,  not  all  the  bands  i'  the 
country  put  together." 

"  How  I  wish  I  was  a  heagle ! "  now  exclaimed  Mr. 
JoiTocks,  eyeing  the  wide  stretching  vale  before  him. 
"  How  I  wish  I  was  a  heagle,  'overin'  over  'em,  seein' 
which  'ound  has  the  scent,  which  hasn't,  and  which  are 
runnin'  frantic  for  blood." 

"  To  guide  a  scent  well  over  a  country  for  a  length  of 
time,  through  all  the  changes  and  chances  o'  the  chase, 
and  among  all  difficulties  usually  encountered,  requires 
the  best  and  most  experienced  abilities,"  added  he, 
shoi-tening  his  hold  of  his  horse,  as  he  now  put  his  head 
down  the  steep  part  of  the  hill.  Away  Jon-ocks  went 
wobbling  like  a  great  shape  of  red  Noyeau  jelly. 

An  accommodating  lane  serves  our  master  below,  and 
taking  the  grassy  side  of  it,  he  pounds  along  manfully, 
sometimes  hearing  the  hounds,  sometimes  seeing  Pigg's 
cap,  sometimes  Charley's  hat,  bobbing  over  the  fences ; 


JAMES  PIGG  AGAIN  365 

aud,  at  more  favoured  periods,  arettinjr  a  view  of  the 
whole  panorama  of  the  chase.  Our  master  is  in  ecstasies ! 
He  whoops,  and  slionts.  and  grins,  and  rolls  in  his  saddle, 
looking  more  like  the  drunken  Huzzar  at  the  circus, 
than  the  sober,  well-conducted  citizen. 

'•  F-o-r-rard  on ! "  is  still  his  cry.  Hark !  They've 
tm-ned  and  are  coming  towards  him.  Jorrocks  hears 
them,  and  spurs  on  in  hopes  of  a  nick.  Fortune  favours 
him,  as  she  generally  does  the  brave  and  ])erseveriug, 
and  a  favouraljle  fall  of  the  land  enables  our  friend  to 
view  the  fox  still  travelling  on  at  an  even,  stealthy  sort 
of  pace,  though  certainly  slower  than  the  still  pressing, 
squeak,  squeak,  yap,  yap,  running  pack.  Pigg  and 
Chai'ley  are  in  close  .attendance,  and  Jorrocks  nerves 
himself  for  a  grand  effort  to  join  them. 

"  I'll  do  it,"  says  he,  putting  Xerxes  at  a  well  broken- 
down  cattle-gap,  into  Wandei-moor  Common.  Tliis  move 
lands  liim  well  inside  the  hounds,  and  getting  upon  turf, 
he  Inigs  his  horse,  resolved  to  ride  at  whatever  comes  in 
his  way.  Another  gap,  not  (luite  so  well  flattened  as  the 
first,  helps  our  friend  on  in  his  project,  and  emboldened 
by  success,  he  rams  m;infully  at  a  low  stake  and  rice- 
liound  gateway,  and  lands  handsomely  in  the  next  field. 
He  thus  gains  confidence. 

"Come  (m,  ye  miserable,  useless  son  of  a  lily-livered 
lifsom-maker,"  lie  roars  to  Benjamin,  who  is  craning  and 
funking  at  the  place  his  master  has  come  so  gallantly 
over.  *'  Rot  ye, '  adds  Jorrocks,  as  the  horse  turns  tail, 
"  I'll  Vjind  ye  'prentice  to  a  salmon  pickler." 

The  next  field  is  a  fallow,  but  Jorrocks  chooses  a  wet 
furrow,  up  wliicli  lie  sj)urts  briskly,  eyeing  the  country 
far  and  near,  as  well  fur  the  fox,  as  a  way  out.  He  sees 
both.  The  fox  is  skirting  tlie  brow  of  the  opi)Osite 
heatliory  hill,  startling  the  tinkling  belled  Hhee[),  while 
the  friendly  shephfrd  waves  his  cap,  indicating  an  exit. 

"  Thank'ee,"crieH  Jorro<0{s,aslie  slijis  tliroui^li  the  gate. 

There  is  nothing  now  between  him  and  the  hounds, 
save  a  somewhat  rough  piece  of  moorland,  but  our 
mastfU"  not  being  afraid  of  the  jjacc  ho  long  as  there  is 
no  leaping,  sails  away  in  the  full  glow  of  enthusiastic 
excitement.     He  is  half  frantic,  with  joy! 

The  hounds  now  lucak  from  Kccnt  to  viow  and  chase 
tli<!  still  flying  fox  along  tlif  liill-Kido  Diisti-r,  Van- 
quislHU-,  and  fluniciiue  \uivi'.  iiit<'lie<l  their  |)ii)CH  up  at 
tlifT  very  toii  of  their  gamut,  and  the  rest  come  shrieking 
rmd  screaming  as  lr)U(lly  as  their  nearly  i)\impe(l-out  wind 
will  allow. 


366 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


Diiuiitless  is  upon  liiin,  and  now  a  snap,  a  turn,  u 
roll,  Mid  it's  all  over  with  Reynard. 

Now  Pi^pr  is  oil'  liis  horse  and  in  the  uiidst  of  the 
])ack,  now  he's  down,  now  he's  up,  and  there's  a  pretty 
scninil)le  going  on ! 

"  Leave  him  !  leave  him  !  "  cries  Charley,  cracking  his 
whip  in  aid  of  Pigg's  efforts.    A  ring  is  quickly  cleared, 


EECOKCILIATIOlf    OF    MB,    JOKEOCKS    AND    ITGG 


the  extremities  are  whipped  off,  and  behold,  the  fox  is 
ready  for  eating. 

"Oh  Pigg,  you're  a  hrick  !  a  fire  brick!"  gasps  the 
heavily  persijiriug  Mr.  Jorrocks,  throwing  himself  ex- 
hausted from  his  horse,  which  he  leaves  outside  the  now 
riotous  ring,  and  making  up  to  the  object  of  his  adora- 
tion, he  exclaimed.  "Oh,  Pigg,  let  us  frateruize!" 
Whereupon  Jorrocks  seized  Pigg  by  the  middle,  and 


JAMES  PIGG  AGAIN  367 

hugged  him  like  a  Polar  bear,  to  the  mutual  astonish- 
ment of  Pigg  and  the  pack. 

"A — a— a  wiins.  man,  let's  hev'  him  worried!"  roared 
Pigg,  still  holding  up  the  fox  with  both  hands  high 
above  his  head.  "A — a — a  wuns,  man,  let's  hev'  him 
won-ied,"  rei)euted  James,  as  Jorrocks  danced  him  about 
still  harder  than  before. 

"  Tear  'im  and  eat  'im ! "  roars  Pigg,  discharging 
himself  of  the  fox,  which  has  the  effect  of  detaching 
Jorrocks,  and  sending  him  to  help  at  the  worry.  Then 
the  old  boy  takes  a  haunch,  and  tantalizes  first  Brilliant, 
then  Harmony,  then  Splendoiu-,  then  Vengeance,  all  the 
eager  young  entry  in  short. 

Great  was  Mr.  Jorrocks's  joy  and  exultation.  He 
stuck  his  cap  on  his  whip  and  danced  about  on  one  leg. 
He  forgot  all  about  the  Cat  and  Custard-Pot,  the  gob 
full  of  baccy,  and  crack  in  the  kite,  in  his  anxiety  to 
make  the  most  of  the  victory.  Having  adorned  the 
head-stall  of  his  own  liridle  with  the  brush,  slung  the 
head  becomingly  at  Pigg's  saddle  side,  and  smeai'ed 
Ben's  face  plentifully  with  blood,  he  got  his  cavalcade 
in  marching  order,  and  by  dint  of  brisk  trotting  re- 
entered Handley  Cross  just  at  high  change,  when  every- 
body was  abusing  him  for  his  conduct  to  i^oor  Pigg,  and 
vowing  that  he  didn't  deserve  so  good  a  huntsman. 
Tlicn  when  they  saw  what  had  happened,  they  changed 
their  tunes,  declaring  it  was  a  regular  i)rcconcerted  do, 
abused  both  James  and  Jorrocks,  and  said  they'd  with- 
draw their  subscriptions  from  the  hounds. 


CHA.PTER  XXXVII 

MR.     JORKOCKS'S     JOURNAL 

We  learu  from  the  above  veracious  record,  that  when 
our  worthy  f rieud  arrived  at  home  after  the  foregoing 
memorable  day,  he  found  how  it  was  that  the  prophet 
Gabriel  Juulcs,  the  peacock,  was  not  in  the  garden  when 
he  went  to  consult  him  about  the  weather.  Among 
other  letters,  a  highly  musked,  superfine  satin  cream- 
laid  paper  one  lay  on  his  table,  from  no  less  a  man  tlian 
Doctor  Sebastian  Mello,  complaining  in  no  measured 
tones  of  Gabriel  having  killed  Mello's  fine  white  Dork- 
ing cock. 

"  Humph  !  "  grunted  Mr.  Jorrocks,  throwing  it  down, 
"that  'counts  fen-  the  bird  not  bein'  fortheomin'  this 
mornin'.  Wot  business  has  he  out  of  his  own  shop.  I 
wonder  ? "  Fearing,  on  second  thoughts,  that  Mello 
might  try  to  make  bim  ])ay  for  him,  and  that  too  at  the 
rate  of  the  mania  price  for  poultry,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
thought  it  best  to  traverse  the  killing  altogether,  which 
accordingly  he  did  by  the  following  answer  :— 

"  M.F.H.  John  JoiTocks  presents  his  compliments  to 
Dr.  Sebastian  Mello,  and  is  much  surprised  to  receive  a 
note  complaining  of  the  M.F.H.'s  peacock,  Gabriel 
Junks,  havin'  slain  the  Doctor's  dung-'ill  cock.  The 
M.F.H.  thinks  the  Doctor  must  be  mistaken.  Tlie 
M.F.H.  cannot  bring  himself  to  think  that  Gabriel  with 
his  'igh  and  cliivalrous  feelins,  would  condescend  to  do 
battle  with  such  an  unworthy  adversary  as  a  dung-'ill 
cock.  Nevertheless,  the  M.F.H.  begs  to  assure  the 
Doctor  of  his  distinguished  consideration. 

"  Diana  Lodge." 

And  having  despatched  Ben  with  it,  and  given  him 
instructions  to  find  out,  if  he  could,  whether  anyone  saw 
the  bird  at  work,  Mr.  JoiTOcks  proceeded  to  make  the 
following  entry  in  his  journal  :— 

"Letter  from  Bowker,  requesting  the  loan  of  a  <£50. 
Stock  been  seized  for  rent  and  aiTears,— seems  to  be 
always  gettin'  seized;— no  interest  paid  on  former  fifty 
yet.     Queer  chap,  Bill,  with  his  inwoices,  and  flash  oi 


MR.  JOEEOCKS  S  JOUENAL  369 

supplyin'  the  trade,  when  ^50  was  all  he  set  up  with,  and 
that  I  had  to  lend  him— Never  chop-fallen,  seemingly, 
with  all  his  executions  and  misfoi-tunes. — Writes, 

" '  I  had  a  mm  go  in  a  'buss  on  Saturday.  Streets 
being  sloppy,  and  wantin'  to  go  to  my  snuff-merchant  in 
the  Minories,  I  got  into  a  'buss  at  the  foot  of  Holbom 
Hill,  and  seated  myself  next  a  pretty  young  woman  with 
a  child  in  her  anus.  Stopping  at  Bow  Church,  she 
asked  if  I'd  have  the  kindness  to  hold  the  babby  for  a 
minute,  when  out  she  got,  and  cut  down  the  court  as 
hard  as  ever  she  could  go.  On  went  the  'buss,  and  I  saw 
I  was  in  for  a  plant.  A  respectable  old  gentleman,  in 
black  shorts  and  a  puddingey  white  tie,  sat  opposite ;  and 
as  the  Tjuss  pulled  up  at  the  Mjinsion-house,  I  said, 
'  Perhaps  you'd  have  the  kindness  to  hold  the  babby  for 
a  minute,  while  I  alight; '  and  popping  it  into  his  lap,  I 
jumfjed  out,  making  for  Bucklerslniry,  threading  all  the 
courts  in  my  line  till  I  got  back  to  Lincobi's  Inn.' 

"  Sharp  of  Bill ;— deserves  ,£50  for  his  'cuteness.  May 
as  weU  lend  it  on  an  '  I.  O.  U.,'  for  it's  no  use  throwin' 
good  money  after  bad  Ijy  usin'  a  stamp." 

While  our  master  was  thus  writiug,  Ben  retui-ned  with 
tlie  following  minute  account  of  Gabriel  Junks'  trans- 
action from  tlie  refined  Mr.  Sebastian  Mello  hiuiself  :— 

"SlE,— I  am  snrprised  that  you  sliould  contradict  my 
assertion  respecting  j'our  cock  having  killed  my  white 
Dorking  fowl,  on  no  better  grounds  than  mere  suppo- 
sition, lull  >/iji(  he  did  kill  mij  cw-k.  He  passed  through 
the  Apollo  Belvidero  gardens  and  perched  on  one  of 
tlie  balls  at  my  back  gales,  as  if  the  place  were  his  own. 
When  my  maid,  Maria,  fed  the  fowls,  he  flew  among 
them,  and  because  my  cock  resented  tlie  intrusion  he 
killed  him  on  the  Hj)ot;  and  then  liis  niaH<er  adds  insult 
to  injury,  by  saying  he  does  not  believe  it.  These  Kort 
of  manners  nuiy  Vhj  very  well  for  the  City,  but  they  won't 
do  for  civilized  life.  I  may  take  this  oi)portunity  of 
observing  that  you  are  very  indecorous  in  your  general 
proceedings  'J'he  day  befon;  yesiei-day  you  walked  your 
noMudH  and  your  Hervaiits  in  scarlet  before  my  windows, 
and  stood  there,  a  thing  that  J,  as  a  religions  man,  would 
not  liave  had  done  for  ten  sovereigns.  1  denire  you  will 
not  do  so  again. 

"  Your  obedient  servant, 

"Sebastian  Mkm.o. 

•Hulphur  WellM  UiiU." 

H   b 


370  HANDLEY  CROSS 

To  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  makes  a  "  Mem.— To  take  'orns 
as  Avell  as  'ounds  next  time,  and  blow  before  his  house — 
a  befffjar." 

The  next  entry  of  importance  is  the  following  : — 

"Had  Fleecey  to  see  liow  the  cat  jumps  in  the  money 
department.  Sharp  chap,  Fleecey— manages  to  keep  the 
expenses  np  to  the  receipts,  what  with  earth-stoppin', 
damage,  cover  rent,  and  law  bills.  "Wanted  to  take 
credit  for  receivin'  no  salary.  Axed  him  what  his  bills 
were  ?  Said  public  officers  always  had  a  fixed  salary 
besides  their  bills.  Had  twenty-ftve  pounds  a-year  from 
the  Mount  Sion  Turnpike-road.  Told  him  I  knew  nothin' 
aboiit  'pikes,  but  if  he  did  not  get  me  all  an-ears  of  sub- 
scription in  by  New  Year's  Day  I'd  be  my  own  sec,  and 
save  Ijoth  his  law  bills  and  his  salary. 

"  Read  the  X//e— good  letter  on  bag  foxes. 


"  '  To  the  Editor  of  BelVs  Life  in  London. 

" '  Sir, — As  your  journal  is  a  sporting  one,  and  un- 
questionably the  first  in  the  kingdom,  I  am  very  sorry 
frequently  to  see  in  it  accounts  of  runs  with  Lagged  foxes. 
You,  sir,  who  are  so  well  acquainted  with  the  sports  of 
the  field,  miist  know  what  a  very  difficult  thing  it  is  to 
show  sport  with  fox-hoimds,  and  that  very  nixich  of  that 
difficulty  arises  fi-om  tlie  almost  entire  impracticability 
of  pi-esei'ving  foxes,  occasioned  in  great  measm'e  by  their 
being  stolen  and  sold  to  hunters  of  bagged  foxes.  It 
matters  not  if  the  animal  is  turned  out  before  hounds 
in  a  country  where  no  regular  fox-hounds  are  kept,  the 
crime  (in  a  sporting  sense)  and  the  evil  done  are  always 
the  same.  I  am  sure  you  will  acknowledge  that  fox- 
hunting is,  of  all  others,  the  noblest  of  English  spoi-ts, 
and  cannot  doubt  that  a  moment's  consideration  will 
show  you,  that  yoiir  publishing  accounts  of  i-uns  with 
bagged  foxes  is  giving  a  tacit  appi'oval  of  that  practice 
(I  will  not  teriii  it  sport).  Should  you,  ui)on  considera- 
tion, decline  publishing  accounts  of  any  more  of  these 
runs,  you  will  have  the  hearty  thanks  of  every  real 
sportsman,  and  you  will  show  that  you  are  determined 
that  the  character  of  your  journal  shall  be  that  of  The 
SjJorting  Chronicle  of  LJngland. 

"*A  Fox-hunter, 

'"but  not  a  Master  0¥  Hounds.' 


MR.  JORROCKS  S  JOtTRNAL  371 

"  Waterhuri/  Tunipil'e.—'Fikea  are  better  for  meetin' 
at  than  publics.  Gabriel  Junks  bes^an  screamin'  at  day- 
break ;  so  put  on  my  old  bat  and  coat,  ditto  boots,  and 
breeches.— Began  to  drop  just  as  we  left  kennel.  Useful 
bird  Junks,  to  be  sure,— no  pack  perfect  without  a  pea- 
cock !— the  most  'arden'd  minister  dirsn't  tax  a  peacock. 
Reg'lar  downpour  by  the  time  we  got  to  the  'pike. 
Dnncan  Kevin's  screws  out  as  usual;  and  a  groom  in 
twilled  fustian,  with  a  green  neckcloth,  and  a  cockade  in 
his  'at,  leadin'  some  rips  up  and  down  the  road  for  soger 
oflBcers.  Home  at  one— wet  as  water.  Paid  for  catchin' 
my  'oss.  Is." 

"Turtle  soup  day.  Roger  Swizzle  dined  and  got 
glorious ;— says  the  true  way  to  be  healthy  is  to  live 
freely  and  well.— Believes  he  has  cured  more  people  of 
indigestion  than  any  man  goiii'.— Thinks  Mello  a  cantin' 
humbug.— Wishes  he  could  ride,  that  he  might  hunt; 
subscrites  twenty -five  guineas  to  the  'ounds  since  I  got 
them— pa^s  ^oo.— Showed  him  Mello's  letters.— Says  the 
open  in  front  of  Sulphur  "Wells  Hall  is  public  property, 
and  I  may  kick  up  whatever  row  I  like  upon  it.— Will 
wi-ite  to  Bowker  to  send  a  company  of  mountebanks 
down  to  jjerform  there." 

Passing  over  some  intermediate  matter,  chiefly  about 
horses  that  people  sent  for  him  to  look  at,  believing  on 
the  strength  ot  his  lecture  that  he  would  not  require 
them  to  be  ^yarranted— a  supposition  that  they  found 
themselves  mistaken  in— we  come  to  Hie  following  entry 
about  a  gentleman  with  whom  we  shall  presently  have 
the  ploa.sure  of  making  tlie  reader  acciuaiuted. 

"Most  purlite  letter  from  a  gentleman  signin'  liimself 
Mannaduke  Muleygrubs.  J. P.,  say  in'  tiiat  being  a  country 
gentleman,  and  anxious  to  do  wot  is  right,  he  sliould  be 
'appy  to  encour.ige  tlie  'unt,  and  would  be  glad  if  I 
would  fix  a  day  for  dinin'  at  Cockoloium  Hall,  and  let 
the  hounds  meet  before  it  the  next  mornin'." 

To  which  Mr.  JoiTocks  replied  ae  follows  :— 

"M.F.Tf.  John  Joi  rocks  presents  his  compliments  to 
Mr.  Marmaduc  MiileyuTubs,  and  in  reply  to  his  purlite 
favour  duly  received,  begs  to  say  that  he  will  be  'apjty 
to  dine  and  Hleeji  at  (y'orkolornni  Tfall  as  soon  as  ever  his 
other 'nnting  arrangements  will  enable  him  to  meet  on 
that  side  of  the  counti-j' ;  and  that  with  regard  to  the 
subscription  so  'andsomely  jjromised  to  his 'ounds,  it  can 
be  paid  either  to  his  credit  at  liiillock  and   Hulkcr'.s  in 


372  HANDLEY  CKOSS 

the  Stnind.  or  to  the  M.F.H.'s  account  at  Stumpey  and 

Co.'s  here — 

"  Handley  Cross  Spa, 
"  Diana  Lodpre." 

The  few  next  days  disclose  no  featiirc  of  ijeneral  in- 
terest—found, lost,  killed,  lost,  found,  killed,  &c.,  hoing 
the  burthen  of  the  journal,  so  we  ouiit  them  altofjfether. 

"Letter  from  Bowker,  brimful  of  g-ratitudc  for  the 
loan  of  50^."  This  letter  being  pasted  into  the  journal, 
we  give  the  greater  part  of  it,  containing,  as  it  does,  some 
fui-ther  particiilars  of  Bowker's  badger-baiting  friend. 

"  You  will  be  sony  to  hear,"  says  he  to  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
"that  the  Slender  is  found  guilty,  and  ordered  to  be 
scragged  on  Monday  morning,  for  though  they  have  not 
found  the  exciseman,  the  jury  foimd  Billy  guilty.  Poor 
Slender!  I've  known  him  long,  and  safely  can  I  aver 
that  a  nobler  feUow  never  breathed.  He  combined  many 
callings :  bear  and  l>adger-baiter,  dog-fancier,  which  has 
been  unhandsomely  interpreted  into  fancy  gentlemen 
that  fancy  other  ])eople's  dogs,  horse-slaiightercr, 
private  distiller,  and  smasher.*  About  five  years  ago  he 
was  nearly  caught  at  the  latter  work.  Sitting,  as  '  was 
his  custom  always  in  an  afternoon,'  at  a  public-house  in 
the  Hampstead  Lane,  upon  'liis  secure  hour,'  two  police- 
men stole.  The  energetic  firmness  of  Billy's  character 
was  manfully  displayed.  Seizing  a  handfid  of  bank- 
notes, which  he  had  in  his  pocket,  he  thrust  his  hand 
into  the  fire,  and  held  them  there  until  they  were  con- 
sumed.    The  flesh  peel'd  ofB  his  fingers. 

"  He  once  had  a  turn  with  the  excisemen  before.  With 
his  intimates  BiUy  had  no  deceit,  and  used  to  boast  that 
there  was  summat  running  under  his  heaps  of  old  horse- 
bones  that  was  the  maiTow  of  his  existence.  WeU,  the 
Excise  strongly  suspecting  this,  sent  down  a  posne  comi- 
latns  to  Copenhagen-fields  to  bring  up  Billy's  body.  He 
was  busy  with  a  bunch  of  sporting  men  at  a  dog-fight 
when  Miss  Aberfordt  came  to  give  the  office.  Billy's 
mind  was  soon  made  wp.  Sending  all  his  spoi-ting  friends 
into  the  house,  and  locking  tlie  doors,  he  unmuzzled  his 
two  bears  and  turned  them  loose  among  the  officers. 
The  scramble  that  ensued  beggars  description.  In  less 
than  five  minutes  the  red-breasts  X — ^for  it  was  before  the 

*  Coiner,  or  pnaser  of  forgcrl  notes. 

+  Billy's  (Imiphtcr.    The  name  of  this  singular  man  was  Aberford. 

X  The  Bow  Street  officers  of  former  days  wore  red  waistcoats. 


MR.   JORROCKS'S   JOtTRNAL 


373 


cnisher  times— were  flown.  It  is  a  singular  fact  and 
says  much  for  t]ie  influence  of  female  charms,  tliat  Mr.t. 
Aherford  could  hold  and  fight  the  dogs  when  they  were 
too  savage  for  Billy. 

"I  always  feared  Billy's  illegitimate  pursuits  would 
lead  him  into  trouble.    '  Master  Bowker,'  said  he  to  me 


PICO    Pl.rW   A    DOl-Bt.R    FLIOIIT    OF   OAK    UAII.H 


one  day.  '  Do  voii  wnrif  to  buy  nn  'oss  fhenj)  P'  '  Where 
did  yon  get  liim,  Billy  ? '  naid  J.  '  Fuinnl  him,  mast^^r,' 
said  he.  '  Ah  I  wan  coming  ho:ne  on  ff)ot  from  Chiswick, 
I  sees  a  gig  and  'ohh  a  stnnfling  all  alone  in  Chiswick 
Lane — says  I,  Billy,  my  bov,  you  may  as  well  ride  as 
walk— HO  I  flriv  if  liomo,  nufl  now  th^^  bofly  o'  the  gig's 
in  the  l)lack   dit<'h,  the  wIk-oIh  are  on   my  Kna<^kcr-f;irt, 


874  HANDLET  CKOSS 

and  I've  bogged  the  'oss's  mane  and  cnt  his  tail,  so  that 
his  own  master  wouldn't  know  him.' 

"Altogether,  Billy  has  been  a  queer  one,  but  still 
hangin's  a  hard  matter,  especially  as  they  have  not 
found  the  exciseman.  Billy  may  now  sport  his  o^ti 
joke  to  Jack  Ketch,  of  'Live  and  let  live,  as  the  criminal 
said  to  the  hangman.' 

"  Tour  second  letter  about  the  mountebanks  is  just 
received — strange,  that  I  should  be  writing  about  rope- 
dancing  just  as  it  came.  I'll  see  what  I  can  do  about 
sending  you  a  troop.  We  of  the  sock  and  buskin  do  not 
call  them  companies.  I  rather  think  Polito  is  down  in 
yoiu'  part  of  England,  perhaps  his  wild  beasts  woidd 
answer  as  well; — beef -eaters,  tambourine,  &c.,  would 
make  a  grand  row  before  Sanctity  Hall.  Mello  wants 
flooring.  I'D  send  him  a  broken  dish  l)y  this  post, 
requesting  his  acceptance  of  a  piece  of  plate  from  his 
London  patients.  A  basket  of  cats  by  coach  would  be 
a  nice  loresent,  labelled  '  game.' 

"  Tour  much  obliged  and  very  humble  sei*vant, 

"Wm.  Bowker." 

The  following  seems  to  have  been  a  good  run;  we  take 
it  verbatim  from  the  journal,  omitting  some  matters  of 
no  interest : — 

"  Candid  Pujg. — Went  with  the  'ounds  for  fear  of 
accidents.  Large  field,  and  many  strangers.  Lots  o' 
farmers.  Mr.  Tarnley  in  a  yellow  gig.  Told  us  to  draw 
his  withey  bed  first.  Trotted  down  to  it,  and  no  sooner 
were  the  'ounds  in  than  out  went  Reynard  at  the  low 
end.  Sich  a  fine  chap!  Bright  ruddy  coat,  with  a 
well-tagged  brush.  One  whisk  of  his  brush,  and  away 
he  went !  Pigg  flew  a  double  flight  of  oak  rails,  and 
Bin  began  to  cry  as  soon  as  ever  he  saw  them.  'Ounds 
got  well  away,  and  settled  to  the  scent  without  interrup- 
tion. Away  for  Frampton  End,  and  on  to  Pij)pen  Hall, 
past  Willerton  Brake,  and  up  to  Suapperton  Wood. 
Here  a  check  let  in  the  roadsters ;  it  was  but  momen- 
tary. Through  the  wood  and  away  for  Lutterworth 
Bank.  Earths  open,  but  Reynard  didn't  know  them,  or 
hadn't  time  to  try  them — headed  about  a  mile  to  the 
north  of  Lutterworth  Spinney  by  people  at  a  football 
match,  and  turned  as  if  for  Hollington  Dean,  taking 
over  the  large  grass  enclosures  between  that  ;ind  Reeve's 
Mill,  bringing  the  deep  race  into  the  line.    Pigg  blobbed 


MK.   JORROCKS'S  JOURNAL  375 

in  and  out  like  a  water-rat;  out  on  the  riglit  side  too. 
Baniin<?ton  -svent  over  head,  and  his  'oss  came  out  on 
one  side,  and  he  on  t'other.  Stobbs'  little  Yorkshire  nag 
cleared  it  in  his  stride;  and  Captain  Shortflat  went  in 
and  came  out  Avith  a  cart-load  of  watercress  on  his  back; 
lost  his  hat  too.  Duncan  Nevin  piloted  his  pujnls  down 
to  the  bridge,  followed  by  the  rest  of  the  field.  Fox 
had  run  the  margin  of  the  race,  and  we  nicked  the  'ounds 
just  at  the  bridge.  Man  on  Stoke  Hill  holloa'd,  and 
Pigg  lifted  his  'ounds,  the  scent  beiu'  weak  from  the 
water.  Viewed  the  fox  stealin'  down  to  the  walley 
below,  and  Pigg  capped  them  on  and  ran  into  the 
varmint  in  Tew  Great  Fields,  within  a  fiuarter  of  a  mile 
of  Stavestou  Wood.  Finest  run  wot  ever  was  seen  ! 
Time,  one  hour  and  twenty-five  minutes,  with  only  one 
check.  Distance,  from  p'int  to  p'int.  twelve  miles.  As 
they  ran,  from  fifteen  to  twenty.  Many  'osses  tired. 
Pigii-  rode  young  May's  'oss,  Young  Hyson,  and  went 
well— worth  his  JC'-iO,  I  think;— shall  ax  £()()  at  the  end 
of  the  season.  Barnington  got  up  before  tlie  worry,  wet, 
but  quite 'a^jfjy.  Felt  somethin'  movin'  in  his  pocket; 
put  in  his  hand  and  pulled  out  a  pike!  Fishin'  as  well  as 
unting.     Paid  for  catchin'  my  'oss  twice,  2s." 

"  a rttwhie  Corner. — Drew  the  gorse  Ijlank,  then  to 
Finmere  Diggin's,  crossin'  two  or  three  turnip  fields  in 
our  line.  All  l>lank ;  smelt  wen-y  strong  of  a  trai). 
Ban-ack  Wood.  Found  immediately.  Away  for  New- 
timl>er  Forest;  but  headed  within  a  quarter  of  a  mile 
\>y  coursers.  Field  rather  too  foiTard,  or  Pigg  rather 
too  backward,  havin'  got  bogged  cf)Uiin'  out  of  cover. 
Came  up  in  a  desperate  rage,  grinnin'  and  swcaiin'  as  lie 
went.  Baniington  in  front;  swore  at  him  just  as  he 
would  at  a  three-punder.  The  idea  of  swearin'  at  a 
geu'leman  wot  gives  i;.">U  a  year  to  the  'o\inds  !  Made 
nothin'  more  of  the  fox.  Came  on  rain,  and  give  in  at 
two.  Lectored  Pigg  for  swearin'  at  a  largo  payin'  sub- 
Hcrilxjr.     Pai<l  for  (at<hin'  my  'ohk  (id." 

The  following  bunch  of  anatliemas  Kcem  to  have  lieen 
jiroduceil  l»y  Mr.  Jorrocks  txiing  Imoight  up  short  by  a 
doulili!  ditcli,  witli  a  fence  most  unjustifiably  mended 
witii  old  wirc-roijf,  whereby  our  eucrgftic  master  lost 
anothfr  of  the  '"  finest  nins  wotevi-r  was  Hccn,"  from 
ScreecliPr  CoiHf!  to  earth  at  Samlt'ord  lianks  tiiii(>  and 
distance,  anything  that  anybody  liked  to  call  it. 

Con— found  all  faniifrH'say  I,  w(»tdeal  in  dim  Me  ditches! 

Con— foimd  all  farmers  say  I,  wot  iikthI  thr-ir  f'-nccH 
with  old  wire-rope  1 


376  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Con — fonnd  all  farmers  say  I,  wot  don't  keep  their 

gatps  in  Gfood  order ! 

Con — found  all  fanners  say  I,  wot  ai-e  nnaccommo- 
datin'  about  ^aps ! 

Con — found  all  farmers  say  I,  wot  arn't  flattered  hy 
'aving-  their  fields  ridden  over ! 

Con— found  all  farmei's  say  I,  wot  <?rvxml)le  at  the 
price  o'  Rrain,  and  then  ])louf?li  out  their  ^rass  ! 

Con — found  all  fanners  say  I,  wot  liobject  to  'aving  a 
litter  o'  foxes  billeted  upon  them ! 

Con — found  all  farmers  say  I,  wot  hobject  to  walkin' 
the  M.F.H.  a  pup ! 

Con — found  all  farmers  say  I,  wot  don't  keep  their 
stock  at  'onie,  when  the  'ounds  are  oxit ! 

Con — found  all  farmers  say  I,  wot  let  their  'erds  keep 
a  cur ! 

Con — found  all  farmers  say  I,  wot  'aven't  a  round  o' 
beef  or  a  cold  pork  pie  to  pull  out,  when  the  'ounds  pass ! 

Con — found  all  f armei's  say  I,  wot  'aven't  a  tap  of  good 
"  October"  to  wash  them  down  with  ! 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII 

THE   WORLD  TURNED  TTPSIDE  DOWN   DAY 

"  Was  that  the  vind,  or  a  dream  ?  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocka  starting  out  of  his  sleep  at  something  like  thunder 
over-head — iiimlde,  nimble,  tumble,  went  a  stack  of 
chimneys,  and  Mr.  JoiTOcks  was  on  the  floor  in  an 
instant.  Blast  went  the  -n-iud,  and  in  came  his  window. 
— "  Yot  next  ?  as  the  frog  said  when  his  tail  dropped  (jff," 
exclaimed  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  wondering  wliat  was  going  to 
happen — over  went  the  looking-glass,  which  was  dashed 
to  atoms,  two  five-pound  notes  were  wliisked  about  the 
room,  and  the  clothes-horse  came  clattering  among  the 
jugs. 

"  It's  a  ro//founded  wind,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  running 
after  the  five-pound  notes.  "  wonder  wot's  the  meanin' 
of  it  all — fear  th'  'ounds  will  he  wen-y  wild,"  recollecting 
that  they  were  to  meet  at  the  "  World  Turaod  Upside 
Down,"  on  the  Hookem-Snivey  road. 

It  was  a  terrific  morning — tlie  wind  l)]ow  a  perfect 
hnrricane — chimneys  were  toppling  and  iuinl)ling,  slates 
falling,  tiles  breaking,  and  here  and  tliere  wliole  roofs 
taking  flight — family  washings  were  whisked  away,  or 
U>m  to  tatters  on  the  drying  lines — children  were  lifted 
oil"  their  legs,  and  grown-up  jK'ople  knocked  against  each 
otlier  at  the  comers  of  the  streets. 

"This  issnmnmt  new  at  all  ewonts,"  said  Mr.  Jon-ocks, 
eyeing  a  large  laurel  Uni\  ii]>  by  the  roots  in  the  garden, 
"  that  tree  never  had  such  a  hike  aforo  in  its  life,"  and  as 
he  hH>ked  the  l>ack  door  flewoj)en  with  a  crjujli  that  split 
it  from  t<^)i)  t^)  l)otk)ni. 

"  Wish  there  mayn't  1»e  jiiischief,"  s.iid  he,  hnddling 
on  liis  dressing-gown  and  ninning  down-stairs,  recollect- 
ing there  was  something  aWnit  repaii^s  in  his  agreement. 
Here  he  fonnd  the  soot  covering  the  drnwing-room 
carpet,  and  the  kit<'hen  floor  strewed  wi(  ii  luicks  ;ind 
mf)rt.ar-  "Oh,  de.irl  oh,  dear,''  exehiiiiicd  he,  "  here's  a 
ten-ible  disast/'r.  five  juin'ls  wortli  of  «l:im;ige  :it  least. 
and,  ord  rot  it  I  there's  my  Jeiry  Hiiwkins  mng  broke : " 
gathering  the  fragmentj^  of  a  jtig  rejiresenting  that 
renowned  (Tlouccst^frshire  sport sinan. 


378  HANDLEY  CROSS 

The  wind  was  cuttingly  keen,  and  swept  up  and  down 
with  unrestrained  freedom.  There  was  not  a  fire  liglited, 
and  the  whole  place  smelt  of  soot,  and  was  the  picture  of 
misery. 

"  Shall  never  get  to  the  World  Turned  Upside  Down 
to-day,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  eyeing  the  scene  of  desolation, 
and  wishing  what  he  saw  might  be  the  extent  of  the 
mischief.  "  Pity  to  lose  a  day  too,"  added  he,  thinking 
it  might  only  be  a  squall. 

He  now  sought  the  refuge  of  the  parlour,  but  oh !  what 
greeted  him  there! — the  window  wide  open — chairs 
huddled  in  the  centre  of  the  room,  the  table  in  the 
corner,  and  Betsy  with  up-turned  gown,  scrubbing  away 
at  the  grate. 

"  Now  blast  it,  Batsay,"  roared  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  as  a 
gust  of  wind  swe^jt  a  row  of  china  oli'  a  chill'onnier. 
''  Now  blast  it,  Batsay,  vot  in  the  name  of  all  that's  hugly 
are  you  arter  now  ?  " 

"  Only  polishing  the  grate ! "  exclaimed  Betsey, 
astonished  at  seeing  her  master  walking  about  in  his 
night-cap  and  dressing-gown. 

"  But  vot  in  the  name  o'  badness  are  you  workin'  with 
the  winder  open  for  ?  " 

"  To  air  the  house,  to  be  sure !  "  replied  Betsey  tartly. 

"  Haik  THE  'ousE  ! "  screamed  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  whisking 
his  dressing-gown  roimd  as  he  sj^oke,  "  Hair  the  'ouse, 
it's  hairy  enough  already ! — ord  rot  it !  you  'ousemaids 
have  no  sort  o'  comjjassion  about  you — the  colder  the 
day_,  the  hairier  you  are !  See  vot  you've  done  now ; 
Belinda's  pet-lambs,  your  misses's  Cupid,  and  my  model 
of_  the  Saracen's  'Ead  on  Snow  '111,  all  dashed  to 
spinnage!  Enough  to  make  the  Harchbishop  o'  York 
swear ! "  saying  which,  Mr.  Jorrocks  whisked  his  dress- 
ing-gown the  reverse  way,  and  bounced  out  of  the  room, 
lest  he  might  be  tempted  into  the  indiscretion  of  an  oath. 

Our  master  i-in  up-stairs,  but  little  consolation 
greeted  him  there.  His  dressing-table  was  covered  with 
blacks — his  looking-glass  was  on  the  swing — his  soap 
was  reduced  to  a  wafer — there  was  nothing  but  cold 
water  to  shave  with,  and  his  beard  being  at  all  times 
rather  untractable,  rough  enough  to  light  a  lucifer 
match  upon,  he  inflicted  sundry  little  gashes  on  his  chin, 
as  he  jagged  a  blunt  razor  over  the  stubborn  stubble ; 
altogether  his  toilette  was  performed  under  most  dis- 
com-aging,  disheartening  circumstances.  Still  he  dressed 
for  hunting,  the  hounds  being  advertised,  and  there 
being  a  possibility  of  the  wind  lulling. 


THE   WOELD   TUKNED   TTPSIDE   DOWN   DAY  379 

Batsay  had  got  tlic  parloui-  "haired"  hefore  he  made  his 
second  appearance,  but  she  had  had  to  borrow  a  neigh- 
bour's kettle,  and  was  making  some  toast  in  the  room 
when  he  entered.  The  wind  having  abated,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
thought  lie  might  as  well  make  up  with  her,  as  a  sort  of 
peace-offering  to  ^olus. 

"  Now.  Batsay,"  said  he,  in  a  mild  and  agreeable  tone, 
"  I've  never  had  cause  to  find  fault  with  you  afore,  but 
really  on  a  vindy  day  like  this,  it  does  seem  rayther 
unkind  lettin'  old  Boreas  take  the  run  o'  the  'ouse 
in—" 

"It  warnt  old  Borus,"  replied  Betsey,  colouring 
brightly. 

"  Oh,  dash  my  vig ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  hurrying 
out,  "  that  confounded  young  carpenter's  been  here 
again !    That's  the  way  they  hair  one's  'ouse." 

Whish — Wha-s-s-sh— blash— roar  went  the  wind,  as 
Mr.  Jorrocks  left  the  room. 

Stobljs  wouldn't  get  up,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  got  through 
breakfast  alone  under  very  chilly,  disheartening,  un- 
comfortable circumstances.  The  kettle  had  only  half 
boiled,  and  the  tea  was  little  better  than  water— blacks 
floated  on  the  cream,  and  the  butter  was  similarly 
ornamented — the  eggs  were  cold  in  the  middle,  and  the 
sausages  only  done  tm  one  side,  added  to  which,  the 
l>aker'8  oven  was  Vjlown  do%vn,  and  there  was  nothing 
but  stale  rolls ;  altogether,  it  was  a  very  sorry  affair. 
"  Well,  better  luck  ne.\t  time,"  said  Mi-.  Jorrocks  to 
himself,  huiring  away  from  the  scene  of  discomfort. 
•  **#** 

"Can  we  'uut,  think  you,  Pigg?"  incpiired  he  of 
James,  wliom  he  found  turning  the  horses  round  in 
their  stalls,  preparing  for  a  start. 

Pigg. — "  leas,  ar  shoidd  think  w<>  may,  towards  noon  ; 
the  wind's  unfominon  kittle  now,  thotigli,  -  inaist  had  mar 
head  smaslifd  with  a  pantile  ((jinin'  past  ard  Tommy 
Trotter's  Biar." 

"It's  worry  cold,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks.  thuminng 
his  right  hand  sicross  his  chest.  "Now,  Binjiniin,  wot's 
'happened  to  you?"  lofjking  at  the  boy  all  bathed  in 
tears. 

"  So-o-o  cold."  drawled  the  lioy. 

"Cold!  you  little  wannint!"  repeeted  Mr.  Jorrocks 
briskly;  "wot  biisinoHH  liav<!  i/<iii  to  bf>  <-old  P — Tliink  o' 
ging<M*.  I'm  froggy  niysf'lf.  bill  1  doi'Mn't  cry  !  'I'hinlc  o' 
ginger,  I  say." 


380  HANDI.ET  CROSS 

The  boy  still  went  on  blublierin*?.  wipinpr  his  eyes  with 
the  back  of  his  hands,  imparting  a  little  of  their  dirt  to 
his  face. 

It  was  ten  o'clock  before  they  got  started,  and  the 
wind  still  blew  with  unabated  fury.  Pigg  and  Benjamin 
tiirned  their  caps  peak  backwards,  and  Mr.  Jon-ocks 
shortened  liis  string  two  holes.  The  hounds  set  up 
their  ])acks,  and  the  horses  shied  at  every  thing  they 
came  near — indeed,  they  were  not  wholly  without 
excuse,  for  the  broken  and  uprooted  trees,  the  prostrate 
walls,  demolished  bams,  and  flying  stacks,  they  en- 
countered in  their  progress,  were  enough  to  startle  less 
observing  animals  than  they  are.  Here  was  half  an  elm 
tree  rolling  about  the  country — there  a  thrashing- 
machine  lifted  to  the  skies.  Our  party  made  slow 
progress  in  their  joiirney.  The  wind  veered  about,  now 
catching  their  coats,  now  taking  them  in  the  rear,  and 
now  nearly  blowing  them  over  tlieir  horses'  tails.  The 
hounds,  too,  took  advantage  of  the  scrimmage  ;  some  cut 
away  home,  while  others  hung  l^ack,  or  huiTied  before 
the  horsemen.  Had  Mr.  Jorrocks  guessed  it  was  any 
thing  but  a  high  wind,  he  woiild  never  have  gone. 

There  were  few  people  astir,  and  the  Borrowdale 
Turnpike-gate  was  still  shut.  "  Gate !  gate  !  gate !  " 
roared  Pigg.  "  Gate !  gate !  gate  !  "  shouted  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, but  the  wind  scattered  their  voices  in  all  directions. 
They  were  kept  there  for  ten  minutes  at  least,  when  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  had  recourse  to  his  horn,  and  gave  it  a  twang- 
that  brought  Tom  Taketicket  out  in  a  hurry. 

"Bliss  me  heart!  "  exclaimed  he;  "is  it  you,  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks ? — I  thought  it  was  the  mail.  Sure-^"e  you  arn't 
goin'  to  hunt  such  a  mornin'  as  this  ?  " 

"  But  I  am,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  "  and  I'll  thank 
you  to  hopen  the  gate.— Kept  me  liere  quite  long  enough. 
— Got  to  meet  at  the  World  Turned  Hupside  Down,  and 
been  bellerin'  here  for  'alf  an  hour  and  more.  Here, 
take  your  pay ;  I  hani't  got  no  copper,  but  there  are 
three  postage  stamps  instead." 

Having  got  his  stamps,  Tom  turned  the  key  in  the  lock, 
and  a  blast  blew  the  gate  against  the  post  with  a  crash 
that  shivered  it  to  splinters. — The  party  then  jogged  on. 

"W  'JP  ')(■  ■n-  *  W 

The  "  World  Turned  Upside  Down  "  was  one  of  tliose 
quiet  wayside  inns  out  of  whose  sails  the  march  of  rail- 
roads has  taken  the  wind.  It  was  a  substantial  old  stone 
mansion,  standing  a  little  off  the  road,  apjiroached  by  a 
drive  round  a  neatly    cultivated    oval-shaped   garden. 


THE   WORLD   TURNED   UPSIDE   DOWN  DAY  381 

where,  amid  well-rolled  prravel  walks,  and  fantastically 
cut  yews,  swnngr  a  blue  and  gold  sign  bearing  its  name 
— "  The  World  Turned  Upside  Down."  A  clustering 
vine  covered  one  end  of  the  house,  and  reached  nearly 
up  to  the  latticed  windows  in  the  stone  roof,  while 
luxuriant  Irish  ivj'  crept  up  to  the  very  chimney-pots  on 
the  other ;  rose-bushes  and  creepers  were  trained  upon 
ti-ellises  in  front,  and  altogether  it  was  as  pretty  an 
auhertje  as  any  in  the  land. 

It  was  a  i)08ting-house,  though  not  exactly  a  first-rate 
one.  inasmuch  as  the  stage  on  either  side  was  short,  and 
four-horse  people  generally  went  through ;  but  it  was 
a  favourite  resort  for  newly-man-ied  couples,  and  was 
equally  esteemed  by  stage-coachmen,  who  always  made 
an  excuse  for  i)ulling  up  at  its  honeysuckled  porch.  Its 
charges,  too,  were  quite  within  comfortnlile  couipass, 
and  one  set  of  visitors  recommended  another  set,  instead 
of  flying  to  tlie  columns  of  the  Times  for  const>lation 
under  the  infliction  of  spurious,  imrequired  wax,  and 
other  enormities.  Veneraljle  elms  sheltered  the  ends  of 
the  house,  and  the  side  from  the  road  opened  into  a 
spacious  garden  overlooking  rich  meadows  sloping  away 
to  a  smoothly  gliding  stream,  while  distant  hills  closed 
the  scene  in  circling  greyness  of  romantic  form. 

That  was  its  summer  aspect.  On  this  eventful  day 
things  wore  a  different  garb.  As  the  hounds  approached, 
Flash  Jim's  swell  Talliho  coach  was  seen  resting  against 
the  bank,  while  the  i)urple  stream  of  life  was  fast  flowing 
from  a  dying  hor.se.  Tiio  Inige  elms  at  the  east  end  of  the 
house  were  all  uitrootcd,  while  one  cm  the  west  had  fallen 
with  destructive  crasli  upon  the  house,  bearing  down  a 
whole  stack  of  chimneys,  and  stripping  the  ivy  oil' thf!  wall. 

The  ])lue  and  gold  sign  creaked  and  flapped  in  the 
wind,  while  the  pride  of  the  road,  a  y(!w-tree  ecpiestrian, 
was  torn  up  by  the  roots,  and  dashed  against  the  railing 
Iteyrmd. 

"Bliss  my  'eart!"  exclaimed  Jorrocks,  eyeing  the 
fallen  horseman,  "that's  too  liad!  Those  great  holms 
I  wouldn't  car*!  about,  but  to  ruin  sucli  a  triumph  of  the 
h'art  is  too  l>a<l  ciMiel  in  tli(!  extri'iiif."  A  fiiding  sleet 
caum  f)n,  ;ind  a  passer-liy  ])ut  up  an  uiiibi'ell;i,  wiiieli  was 
iiiiiiiediately  turned  inside  out,  and  can-ied  over  the 
house-toj).  Mr.  .Forrock.s'H  horse  swerved,  and  neai'ly 
cajwized  him. 

"Let's  get  shelter."  said  lie.  making  for  the  yanl,  "or 
tlier'U  1)0  mis(;hief,  I'm  Idow'd  if  (here  won't." 

"Mine  host,"  Jemmy  Lush,  or  Iho  'nld  World  "—as 


382  HANDLEY  CROSS 

he  wjis  familiarly  termed — was  almost  frantic.  He,  poor 
man,  had  retired  to  rest  early,  and  almost  the  last  thing 
he  did,  was  to  arrange  some  twigs  in  the  yew-tree  horse- 
tail, and  train  a  couple  of  shoots  at  the  rider's  heels  for 
spnrs.  For  twenty  years  the  "  Old  World "  had  loved 
and  nursed  that  tree ;  it  was  the  pride  of  the  counti-y ! 
Not  a  stage-coachman  passed,  bitt  jerked  his  elhow  at 
it;  and  its  image  was  engraven  on  the  minds  of  hundreds 
of  husbands  and  wives,  now  cultivating  little  olive- 
branches  of  their  own,  who  had  admii-ed  its  symmetry 
in  connexion  with  each  other. 

"  Oh,  Mr.  Jorrocks !  "  exclaimed  Jemmy,  waddling  out 
of  the  house  in  his  shirt-sleeves,  his  tapster's  apron  flyiug 
np  to  his  bottle  nose,  displaying  the  substantial  form  of 
his  gai'terless  legs,  and  his  breeches  open  at  the  knee ; 
"Oh,  ]\Ir.  Jorrocks,  I'm  ruined,  sir! — I'm  ruined! — I've 
lost  my  bush ! "  and  the  poor  man  put  his  hand  before 
his  eyes  to  avert  the  sad  calamity. 

"  Never  mind,  old  cock !  "  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  cheer- 
ingly  grasping  his  hand  as  he  spoke,  "  plant  another,  and 
I'll  warrant  you'll  see  it  grow." 

"  Never !  never ! "  responded  the  "  Old  World,"  sobbing 
as  he  spoke.  "  That  man  and  hoss — "  and  here  his 
feelings  choked  his  uttei'ance.  He  would  have  said  that 
Mrs.  Jemmy  and  he  planted  it  on  their  wedding-day, 
and  had  long  regarded  it  as  their  first-born. 

The  wind  l^lew,  the  hail  beat,  the  trees  creaked,  and 
seemed  inclined  to  follow  their  leaders,  and  our  pai'ty, 
half  benumbed,  gladly  sought  the  shelter  of  the  "  Old 
World's  "  barn.  The  poor  hounds  shivered,  as  if  in  the 
last  stage  of  distemjjer ;  and  the  horses'  coats  stared  like 
Friesland  hens'  feathers. 

"  Surely  no  man  in  his  senses  wiU  come  to  'unt  such  a 
day  as  this,"  oljserved  Mr.  Jorrocks,  slackening  his  horse's 
girths  as  he  spoke ;  "  would  deserve  to  have  a  commission 
of  lunacy  taken  out  agin  him  for  his  pains  if  he  did." 

Leaving  Benjamin  in  the  bam,  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  Pigg 
sought  the  shelter  of  the  house.  The  wind  had  stove  in 
the  back  door,  and  a  venerable  elm  was  prostrate  before 
it.  Scrambling  through  the  l^ranches,  they  at  length 
gained  admission,  but  the  inside  was  almost  as  cheerless 
as  the  out.  No  fire — no  singing  kettle,  for  hot  stopping, 
as  was  wont,  and  the  elder  wine-l>ottle  remained  in  the 
cupboard.  Bricks,  soot,  lime,  dust,  and  broken  furni- 
ture strewed  tlie  house,  and  the  "little  Worlds"  were 
huddled  together  in  a  comer,  not  knowing  whether  to 
be  frightened  or  pleased. 


THE   WORLD   TURNED   UPSIDE   DOWN   DAY  383 

The  "Old  World"'  liad  thrown  himself  into  an  easy- 
chair  in  the  parlonr,  having  taken  the  precaution  of 
\\Tai3ping  his  wife's  red  petticoat  about  his  shoulders  to 
prevent  his  catching  cold.  "  I  shall  never  get  over  it," 
exclaimed  he,  as  Mr.  Jon-ocks  entered,  whij)  in  hand ; 
"ruined,  sir! — beggared! — nothing  left  for  me  but  the 
onion— the  bastille  I  " 

"  Vy  the  vind  has  certain//V  paid  you  a  hawful  wisit," 
obsei-ved  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  looking  at  the  trees  lying  across 
each  other  outside ;  "  but  it  would  have  l.>een  worser  if  it 
had  bi'oke  them." 

"  Oh,  it's  not  them  I  cares  about,"  exclaimed  Jemmy, 
pulling  the  petticoat  about  his  ears ;  "  it's  not  them,  nor 
the  great  oak  at  the  bottom  of  the  field — kept  the  sim 
ofE  the  grass;  those  are  uiy  landlord's.  It's  my  bush  I'm 
bad  about,"  and  thpreujjon  he  pulled  the  petticoat  up  to 
his  1)ottle  nose,  and  Inn-st  into  tears. 

"  What  ails  the  oull  man  ?  "  in(iuirod  Pigg,  with  a  fine 
stream  of  tobacco,  all  clotted  with  dust,  running  from 
his  mouth. 

"It's  his  beautiful  busli,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  in  a 
whi8ix?r.  "  Didn't  you  see  that  the  yew-tree  'oss  and 
i-ider  wore  torn  up  by  the  roots  ?  The  Old  World 
loved  that  l>ush." 

Pigg. — "Ord  sink!  what's  the  use  o'  blubberin'  about 
tliat?  thei'e  are  plenty  o'  bushes  loft.  There  be  twe  fine 
hollins,  he  may  cut  into  what  he  likes,  shot  towers, 
steeples,  or  ought,"  saying  which,  Pigg  loft  the  room. 

"  (Jf)iiie,  choor  up,  old  buoy,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  sooth- 
ingly, "and  let's  have  a  drop  o'  comfort.  I  declare  I'm 
poi-fectly  ijerished.  Let's  have  bottouis  o'  bi-andy.  'Ot 
with-" 

At  the  word  brandy,  the  "Old  World"  brightened  iij). 
lie  dived  into  his  apron  pocket,  and  ringing  the  boll, 
ordorod  his  missis  to  liring  glasses  and  Ww.  l)ottlo. 

Drink  brings  comfort  to  some  minds,  and  Jemmy 
Ijush's  mind  was  of  that  description.  With  the  first 
glass  he  said  little;  the  second,  not  miich  more,  but  the 
jtetticoat  began  to  droop  fn^ni  liis  ears;  and  at  the  third, 
lie  had  it  uj)f>n  lii.s  hIioiiMoi-s. 

"  It's  an  ill  wind  that  blows  nobody  good,"  at  length 
observed  he,  with  a  sigh.  "That  groat  oak  at  the 
bottom  of  my  meadow  has  l)oon  an  eyesore  to  ino  these 
twenty  years.  Its  gi-eat  ugly  l>ran(  lies  <'f)vered  half  an 
acre  of  land,  and  oiii-  Kf|iiir<'  7iovoi'  would  have  it  lopjwd 
or  cut  down.  Said  he,  '  There's  the  finoHt  viow  in  the 
country  from  it— you  see  the  river,  and  tlio  rniiis  of  the 


384  HANDLBY  CROSS 

alibey.  and  the  Gayhiirst  hills  in  the  distance,'  and  I 
don't  know  what;  the  silly  man  forf^ettin^,  all  the  time, 
that  he  would  see  jixst  the  same  things  whether  the  tree 
was  there  or  not ;  and  it  spoiled  as  much  grass  as  woiild 
have  kept  me  a  calf." 

"  Great  humbrageous  beggar ! "  observed  Mr.  Jor- 
roeks ;  adding,  "  I  s'pose  the  tree  would  be  worth 
simimut  P  " 

"  No  doubt,"  replied  Jemmy.  "  But  nothing  like  so 
valual)le  as  my  IjitsIi  ; "  and  thereupon  he  heaved  a  sigh, 
and  pulled  the  petticoat  about  liis  ears. 

Just  then  a  man  passed  the  window,  with  a  couple  of 
horses,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  ran  to  look  at  him.  He  was 
di'essed  in  a  veiy  old  hat,  with  a  new  cockade  in  it,  a 
faded  green  neckcloth,  a  stained  red  waistcoat,  a  fustian 
frock  and  trousers,  with  thick  shoes  and  worsted  stock- 
ings, and  wore  moustachios.  He  rode  a  weedy  chestniit, 
and  led  an  unhappy-looking  grey,  the  latter  decorated 
with  a  running  martingale  and  a  noseband,  and  sundry 
rings  and  contrivances. 

"  Whose  be  those  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  JoiTocks,  with  gi'eat 
importance. 

"  Captain  Smith  and  Lieutenant  Brown,"  replied  the 
soldier-groom,  saluting  him. 

" Foot-captins,  I  presume?  "  replied  our  master,  look- 
ing at  their  horses. 

"  Grenadier  company,"  reijlied  the  man. 

"  It's  all  the  same  to  me,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks. 
"  They  don't  exjiect  I'm  agoin'  to  'unt  sich  a  day  as  this 
— do  they  'i  " 

"  Don't  know,"  replied  the  man ;  "  got  my  orders  last 
night,  and  in  coiu'se  I  came  on." 

"  Then  you'd  better  cut  away  and  meet  them,  and  say 
that  unless  good  payin'  subscribers,  to  the  amoiint  of 
■£30,  cast  up,  I  shallu't  cast  off;  "  adding,  as  he  wheeled 
about,  "  Don't  think  any  man  with  thirty  pence  he  could 
call  his  own  would  turn  out  such  a  day  as  this." 

Mr.  Jorrocks  returned  to  the  parlour,  and  was  be- 
ginning a  dissertation  upon  hunting,  when  Pigg  entered 
the  room,  with  a  sjjade  over  his  shoulder,  and  addressed 
Jemmy  Lush  with — 

"  Now  gau  and  water  your  l)uss  with  your  tears,  'ars 
gettin'  it  oop  again." 

"  No ! "  exclaimed  Jemmy,  ninning  to  the  window ; 
sure  enough  it  was  up,  and  two  horse-keepers  were  busy 
securing  it  with  ropes  and  strong  posts. 

Jemmy  Lush  was  half  frantic.   He  threw  the  petticoat 


THE  WORLD  TURNED  UPSIDE  DOWN  DAY 


.".85 


into  the  corner,  and  ran  to  the  f^arden  to  embrace  his 
old  friend.  Little  mischief  had  ensued  from  its  excursion. 
The  rider's  hat  had  got  a  cast  on  one  side,  and  the  bit 
of  the  horse's  bi-idle  was  broken  ;  but  there  was  nothing 
that  Jemmy's  fatherly  care  would  not  easily  rectify. 

Great  was  Jemmy's  gratitude.  He  placed  all  the  cold 
meat  in  his  larder  at  Pigg's  disposal,  and  as  the  storm 
abated  and  the  party  were  about  to  set  off,  he  insisted 
upon  putting  a  bottle  of  brandy  into  each  of  Pigg's 
pockets.  One  of  them,  we  are  son-y  to  say,  was  broken 
on  its  journey  home,  by  bumi^ing  against  the  back  of 
his  saddle. 

The  "  Paul  Pry  "  of  that  week  contained  a  long  list  of 
damage  and  disasters,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  learnt  from  the 
heading  of  the  article  that  he  had  been  out  in  a  "terrible 
hurricane." 

In  his  mem.  of  the  day's  doings  in  his  Journal,  he 
adds  this  passage  from  his  friend  Beckford : — 

■■  Take  not  out  your  "ounds  on  a  werry  windy  day." 


\' 


:^Sr^-" 


c  c 


CHAPTER  XXXIX 

MR.   MARMADUKE   MULETGBUBS 

Towards  the  close  of  a  winter's  day,  a  dirty  old  dog- 
cart, witli  "John  Jorrocks,  M.F.H.,"  painted  up 
behind,  wliisked  from  the  turnpike  up  the  well-laurelled 
drive  of  Cockolorum  Hall. 

The  hounds  were  to  meet  there  in  the  morning,  and 
Mr.  Jorrocks  liad  written  to  apprise  his  unknown  host 
of  his  coming.  Being  rather  late,  and  having  a  hack, 
Mr.  Jorrocks  had  driven  a  turn  faster  than  usual,  and 
as  he  cut  along  the  sound  drive,  the  Hall  was  soon 
before  him. 

It  had  originally  been  a  large  red-fronted  farm-house, 
converted  by  a  second  owner  into  a  villa !  increased  by 
a  third  into  a  hall;  while  xmdei-  the  auspices  of  its 
jjresent  more  aspiring  master  it  was  fast  assuming  the 
appearance  of  a  castle.  Massive  stone  towers,  with  loop- 
holed  battlements,  guarded  the  corners — imitation  guns 
peered  through  a  heavy  iron  palisade  along  the  top — 
while  a  stone  porch,  with  massive  black-nailed  folding 
oak  doors,  stood  out  from  the  red  walls  of  the  centre. 
A  richly-emblazoned  flag,  containing  the  quarterings  of 
many  families,  floated  fi'om  the  roof. 

Mr.  Marmaduke  Muleygrubs  had  been  a  great  stay- 
maker  on  Ludgate  Hill,  and,  in  addition  to  his_  own 
earnings  (by  no  means  inconsiderable),  had  inherited  a 
large  fortune  from  a  great  drysalting  uncle  in  Ber- 
mondsey.  On  getting  this  he  cut  the  shop,  bought 
Cockolorum  Hall,  and  having  been  a  rampant  Radical 
in  the  City,  was  rewarded  by  a  J. P, -ship  in  the  country. 
Mr.  JoiTocks  knew  all  about  liini,  though  Mr.  Muley- 
grubs did  not  know  he  did. 

"  Quite  genteel,  I  declare."  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  eyeing 
the  mansion  as  he  pulled  up  at  the  door,  and  clambei'ed 
down  his  vehicle  to  give  the  massive  bronze  helmet- 
handled  bell  a  pull.  "  Perfect  castle,''  added  he ;  "  'opes 
I  shalln't  get  soused,"  recollecting  his  last  adventure  in 
one. 

The  spacious  folding-doors  were  presently  opened  by 


MR.   MARMADUKE   MULEYGRUBS  387 

an  ill-sbaped,  clumsy-looking  yoxith,  in  a  gorgeous  suit 
of  state  livery,  and  a  starched  neck-cloth,  so  broad  and 
so  stiff  as  perfectly  to  pillorize  him.  A  quantity  of  flonr 
concealed  the  natural  colour  of  his  wild  matted  hair, 
while  the  ruddiness  of  a  healthy  comjilexion  was 
lieightened  by  a  bright  oi-ange-coloured  coat,  with  a 
white  worsted  shoulder-knot  dangling  at  the  side.  His 
waistcoat  was  a  broad  blue  and  white  stripe,  breeches  of 
scarlet  plush,  and  white  silk  stockings,  rather  the  worse 
for  wear,  as  appeared  by  the  darning  up  the  calf; 
stoutish  shoes,  with  leather  strings,  comi)leted  the 
costume  of  this  figiire  footman. 

"  Now,  young  man  ! "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  his  usual 
fi-ee-and-easy  way,  "  now,  young  man  1  jest  stand  by  my 
nag  while  I  takes  out  my  traps,  for  I  harn't  brought  no 
grum. — See.  now."  continued  he.  pulling  out  the  gig-seat, 
'■  put  that  i'  my  bedroom,  and  jest  give  them  'ere  tops 
a  rub  over  for  the  nioniin'."  producing  a  pair  of  nuid- 
stained  boots  that  he  had  worn  the  last  day's  hunting; 
"  it  weren't  no  iise  bringin'  a  clean  pair,"  oljserved  he, 
lialf  to  himself  and  half  to  the  servant,  "  for  they'd  a' 
got  ciiimpled  i'  the  comin'  and  those  won't  take  no 
moi-e  cleanin'.  Now,  where's  the  stable  ?  Love  me, 
love  my  'oss,"  continued  he.  adjusting  the  reins  in  the 
territs,  and  preparing  to  lead  round. 

"  That  way,"  said  Stiffneck,  extending  his  left  arm 
like  the  wand  of  a  telegraph,  as  he  stood  with  the  dirty 
top-Vjoots  in  the  other,  saying  whidi  he  wheeled  about 
and  re-entered  the  house,  leaving  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  find 
his  way  as  he  could. 

"Ah.  never  mind.'"  said  tlie  wf)rtliy  man  to  himself, 
seeing  ho  was  gone,  "  if  I  could  find  the  'ouse,  be  ))und  I 
can  find  tlie  stable;  "  saying  which  he  turned  his  vehicle 
round,  and  following  the  old  wiiecl-marks  on  the  gravel, 
was  very  soon  in  the  stable-yard  at  the  back  of  the  castle. 

Here  he  found  another  youtli  in  red  jjIusIi  breeches 
and  wliite  silk  ntf)ckiMi,'s,  wasliing  liis  face  at  the  cis- 
tern, ])urifying  liiniHolf  froui  the  wtable  preparatory  to 
aj»p<';iring  in  the  parlour. 

"Here,  young  man,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "jest  put  up 
my  'o8H  afore  ever  you  start  to  adoni  yourself;  and  if 
you  take  well  care  of  him,  I'll  give  you  'alf-a-crown  i'  the 
nioniin'.  He's  a  r-,lipped  un.  and  won't  take  no  cleanin'," 
contiiuifd  he,  eyeing  the  smoking. curly-coated  bnite,  and 
wondering  whether  the  chap  would  l)elieve  him  or  not. 

This  matter  being  arranged,  Mr.  JoiTocks  ferreted  his 
way  back  to  the  front,  and,  opening  the  door,  passed 


.388  HANDLRY   CROSS 

throuefli  the  ^reen  foldiiif,'  ones  of  the  ])oreh  and  entered 
ii  hall  lieyond.  TliLs  was  fitted  up  in  the  l);ir()]iial  style. 
Above  a  si)a(;ious  iiKintel-piece,  occupyini;-  about  a  third 
of  the  apartment,  branehed  an  enormous  staff's  head, 
hiuiff  round  with  pistols,  swords,  cutkisses,  and  warlike 
Aveapous  of  various  kinds,  and  the  walls  were  covered 
with  crrim-visaffed  warriors,  kni^'hts  in  armour,  and  ladies 
of  l)yg()ne  days.  Many  had  their  names  painted  in  white 
at  the  bottom  of  the  pictures,  or  done  in  l:)lack  on  the 
various  patterned  frames :  there  was  Sir  Martin  Miiley- 
,f?rul3s,  and  Dame  Juliana  Muleygrul:)S,  and  Darius 
Muleygrubs,  and  Erasmus  Muleygfrubs,  and  Memnon 
Muleycrrubs,  and  Pericles  Muleygrubs,  and  Demosthenes 
Muleygruljs,  and  Jolin  Thomas  Muleygrubs. 

"  Such  a  lot  of  stay-makers  !  "  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  observed. 

_A  full-len.trth  figure  of  Nemesis,  the  groddess  of  justice, 
with  her  balance  in  one  hand  and  whip  in  the  other, 
hung  over  a  richly-carved,  high-back,  old  oak  chair; 
and  on  a  table  near  were  ranged  Burns's  "Justice." 
"  Statutes  at  Large,"  Archbold's  "  Magistrate's  Pocket- 
liook,""  and  other  emblems  of  the  law. 

'■  The  cliap  must  be  a  hcah: !  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  aloud 
to  himself,  as  he  glanced  them  over. 

The  fire  threw  a  cheerful  glciim  over  the  baronial  hall, 
and  our  master,  having  lunig  his  hat  on  the  stag's  horns, 
and  deposited  his  Sii)ho]iia,  on  the  table,  took  :i  coat-iaj) 
over  each  arm,  and,  establishing  himself  witii  his  back 
to  the  fire,  proceeded  to  hum  what  he  considered  a  tune. 
His  melody  Avas  interrupted  by  the  partial  oj)ening  and 
closing  of  a  door  on  the  rigiit.  followed  by  a  lisping 
exclamation  of — "Oh,  ma!  here's  Kitey  come  again!" 
A  "Hush,  my  dear,"  and  scuttling  along  the  passage, 
reminded  Mr.  JoiTocks  that  he  was  not;  at  home,  so, 
drojjping  liis  tails,  and  pulling  his  wig  straight,  he  made 
for  the  recently  opened  door. 

This  let  him  into  a  passage,  lighted  with  flickering, 
ill-established  lani])s,  along  wliich  he  kept  till  Jie  came 
to  a  ijink  slieep-skin  mat  before  a  door,  at  whicli  he 
paused,  and  presently  turning  oil',  he  entered  a  room,  in 
which  he  found  a  lady  and  a  bunch  of  excited  children. 
The  former  rose,  and  concluding  she  would  be  tlie 
"  missis,"'  Mr.  Jorrocks  tendered  the  hand  of  fellowship, 
and  tlien  gave  each  child  a  chuc:k  under  the  chin;  nor 
was  he  wrong  in  his  conjecture,  for  Mrs.  Marmaduke 
Muleygrubs  immediately  began  apologizing  for  the 
absence  of  her  lord. 

"Duke,"   she    said,  "was    unfortunately  engaged    at 


MR.  MARMADTTKT]   T.IXTLETGETJBS  389 

that  moment  with  some  impoi-tAiat  justice  business  " — 
(decantinsc  the  wine). 

Mr.  Jorrocks  "  "Opetl  his  jjrace  wouldn't  "urry  himself." 

"It  was  very  provoking'."  she  continued,  without  re- 
garding Mr.  Jorrocks's  observation;  "but  the  whole 
county  came  to  him  for  justice,  and  Duke  could  hardly 
be  said  to  have  a  moment  to  himself.  Every  Saturday 
he  was  engaged  the  whole  day  on  the  bench,  and  at  the 
Poor-Law  Giiardians,  but  she  hoped  before  long  they 
would  findsome  more  people  fit  to  make  magistrates  of, 
for  really  it  was  taxing  ability  rather  too  highly.  Not 
but  that  Duke's  affection  for  the  Queen  would  prompt 
him  to  serve  her  as  long  as  he  could,  but — "  Just  as 
she  had  got  so  far,  the  door  opened,  and  Duke  himself 
appeared,  smoothing  down  his  cuffs  after  the  exercise  of 
his  magisteiial  functions. 

He  was  a  little,  round-about,  )>ot-bellied,  red-faced, 
bald-headed,  snub-nosed,  chattering  chap,  who.  at  first 
sight,  would  give  one  the  idea  of  being  very  good-natured, 
if  it  were  not  notorious  that  he  was  the  most  meddling, 
officious,  ill-conditioned  little  beggar  in  the  county. 

He  was  di-essed  in  one  of  the  little  nondescript  jackets 
of  the  day,  with  a  "  ditto ''  waistcoat,  drab  kerseymei-es, 
and  leather  leggings.  Over  his  waistcoat  he  sported  a 
broad  mosaic  gold  chain,  made  to  resemble  a  country 
mayor's  as  much  as  possible. 

"Mr.  Jorrocks,  I  presume,"  said  he,  rubbing  his  fat 
hands  as  he  advanced  up  tiie  room. 

"  Right!  "  replied  our  master,  extending  his  hnnd. 

"  Beg  ten  thousand  pardons  for  not  being  here  to 
receive  you,"  said  Duke,  intending  to  be  very  gracious. 

"  Make  no  apology."  interrupted  Mi-.  Jorrocks;  "whoi-e 
there's  ceremony  there's  no  frindship." 

"Been  l)ored  witli  justice  business  all  tlio  afternoon," 
<;ontiuued  Mr.  Muleygrubs;  "bailing  a  Imll  that  w:ia 
unjustly  put  in  tiie  pound.  You  are  not  in  the  Com- 
mission of  the  Peace,  perliapsJ'" 

"  Not  I,"  rej)lied  Mr.  Jorrocks  carelessly  ;  "  never  was 
in  any  cominisHion,  save  one,  as  iigent  for  Twankay's 
mexed  teas,  and  a  proci(nis  coiiimisHion  it  was  haw  ! 
haw!  haw! — lost  three  'undord  pund  l)y  it,  and  more. 
But,  however,  nimportc,  as  we  nay  in  France.  Werry 
glad  to  come  hero  to  partako  o  your  hospitality. — 
Itrouglit  my  niglit-nip  with  me,  in  course,— a  rule  o' 
iiiiue,  that  wht-n;  I  dine  I  isleep,  and  where  I  sleep  T 
l)r(!akf;iHt.  Dont  do  to  ilnirn  one's  dinm-r  uj),-  'ow  long 
doea't  want  to  feedin'  tiiiu;  H  " 


390  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Mr.  Marmaduke  was  rather  posed  with  his  guest's 
ffimiliarity.  He  intended  to  i^atvonize  Mr.  Jorroclcs, 
whereas  the  hitter  seemed  to  think  himself  on  a 
perfect  footinc:  of  eqiiality.  Not  in  the  Commission 
of  the  Peace,  either!  But  then  Duke  didn't  know  that 
Mr.  Jorrocks  knew  about  the  stays. 

PuUinff  out  a  great  gold  watch,  our  host  asked  his  wife 
what  time  they  dined.  (Duke  included  the  kitchen 
department  in  his  magisterial  functions.) 

"Half-past  six,  my  dear,"  replied  his  wife,  with  great 
humility. 

"  Wants  twenty  minutes  to  six,"  observed  Mr.  Marma- 
duke, striking  the  repeater.  "  Perhaps  you'd  like  to  take 
something  before  dinner — sandwich  and  a  glass  of 
sherry  ?  " 

"Never  touch  lunches,"  replied  Mr.^  Jorrocks,  disdain- 
fully. "  Never  know'd  a  chap  good  for  nothin'  wot  did. 
Wonder  you  don't  dine  at  a  reasonable  hour,  though," 
added  he. 

"Faith,  we  think  half-past  six  rather  early,"  replied 
Mr.  Muleygrubs  ;  "  seven's  our  visual  houi — same  asiny 
friend  Onger's— but  we  have  some  neighbours  coming, 
and  made  it  a  little  earlier  on  their  account." 

"  Well,  it'll  be  so  much  the  worse  for  your  grub  when 
it  does  come,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  "  for  I  ni  well- 
nigh  famished  as  it  is.  Howsomever  that  reminds  me 
that  I've  a  letter  to  wi-ite ;  and  if  you'll  let  me  'ave  a  peep 
at  your  '  Directory,' "  continued  he,  advancing  towardsa 
round  table  well  garnished  with  gilt-edged  books,  "  I'll 
look  oiit  the  feller's  address,  for  there's  nothin'  like  doin' 
things  when  they're  in  one's  mind,  and — " 

"  '  Directory  ! '  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Muleygrubs,  "  that's  a 
'  Peerage ! ' " 

"  Bother  your  Peerages  ! "  muttered  Mr.  Jon-ocks, 
chucking  the  costly  volume  down;  adding,  aloud  to 
himself,  "Wot  business  ha'  you  wi'  Peerages,  I  wonder  P  " 
Mrs.  Muleygrubs  looked  at  our  Master  with  an  air  of 
commiseration.  She  wondered  what  her  husband  was 
making  such  a  fuss  about  such  a  man  for. 

"Well,  now  then,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  turning  short 
round  and  button-holeing  his  host,  while  he  looked  at 
him  as  Muleygrubs  would  at  an  unwilling  witness; 
"well,  now  then,  tell  me  'bout  the  foxes— 'ave  you  plenty 
on  'em  ?  " 

"  Plenty ! "  replied  Muleygrubs,  with  the  utmost 
confidence,  for  he  had  just  received  a  very  flue  dog  one 
from  the  well-known  Mr.  Diddler,  of  Leadenhall  Market, 


JIK.    MARMADUKE   MULETGRUBS  391 

who,  by  dint  of  stealing  back  as  fast  as  he  supplies, 
manages  to  carry  on  a  very  extensive  business  with  a 
very  small  stock-in-trade. 

"  Plenty  !  "  repeated  Muleygrubs,  with  the  same  con- 
fident tone. 

"  That's  good,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks.  winking  and  poking 
him  in  the  ribs;  "  that's  good— for  though  I'm  'appy  to 
dine  wi'  people,  yet  still  the  'unt  is  the  real  thing  I  comes 
for ;  and  I  always  says  to  folks  wot  ask  me  to  stir  hup 
their  covers,  '  Now,  don't  let  lis  'ave  any  'umbug.  If  yoii 
'aven't  foxes,'  say  I,  '  don't  pretend  that  you  'ave,  for 
the  truth  must  out,  if  my  'ounds  come,  and  it  will  only 
be  addin'  the  wice  o'  falseliood  to  the  himputation  o' 
selfishness,  sayin'  you  'ave  them  if  you  aven't.' " 

'■Just  so,"  assented  Mr.  Muleygrubs,  congratulating 
himself  on  having  excused  himself  from  either  charge. 

Mr.  JoiTocks,  liaving  thus  broken  the  ice,  proceeded, 
in  a  most  energetic  manner,  to  give  Mr.  Muleygrulis  his 
opinions  upon  a  variety  of  subjects  connected  with  the 
chase,  the  breeding  and  rearing  of  hounds,  the  difference 
of  countries,  the  mischief  of  too  mucli  interference, 
killing  above  ground  and  digging,  uncertainty  of  scent, 
signs  and  indications,  with  a  glance  at  the  im])ositions 
of  keepers,  all  of  which,  being  Hebrew  to  Mrs.  Muley- 
gruljs,  and  very  nearly  HeVjrew  to  her  husband,  caused 
lier  to  slink  (juietly  away  with  her  chicks,  leaving  her 
husband  to  the  mercy  of  the  "  extraordinary  man  "  he 
liad  lx;en  so  indiscreet  as  to  invite. 

Poor  Mr.  Muleygrubs  couldn't  get  a  word  in  sideways, 
iind  was  sitting  the  perfect  picture  of  despair,  when 
niiiilile,  diimhl*!,  diimble,  dumble,  went  a  great  gong, 
startling  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  thought  it  was  another 
hurricane. 

"An  old-fashioned  custom  we  still  jn-eserve,"  said  Mr. 
Marniaduke  casually,  observing  Mr.  Jorrocks's  astonish- 
ment ;  '*  that  gong  was  brought  by  one  of  my  ancestors 
from  the  holy  wars — shall  1  kIiow  you  to  y(Mir  room  ?  " 

'■  If  you  please,"  said  Mr.  Jonocks. 

Our  Master,  of  course,  had  the  state  room.  T(  was  a 
large  gloomy  apartment,  with  a  lofty  four-post  ))cd, 
whose  toj)  hangings  w<!re  madrr  of  green  sillc,  and 
c.urt.'iins  of  green  iiujreen. 

"  Here's  a  fine  two))enny  'ea<l  ami  fartliin'  tail," 
obsei-ved  Mr.  JoiTocks,  whisking  his  candle  ahout  as  he 
exjiiiiined  it. 

The  ahsencin  of  fire,  and  tlio  coldnesH  of  the  aj)artment 
holding  out  little  inducement  for  dallying,  Mr.  .lorrocks 


392 


HANDLET   CBOSR 


was  soon  in  Ins  l)lne  co;it  and  canaries,  and  returned  to 
the  drawin'f-rooni  just  as  tlio  stift'-necked  boy  announced 
Mr.,  Mrs.,  :ind  Miss  Slowjin.  who  were  quickly  followed 
by  Mr.  and  Miss  De  Green,  who  apolo,f?ized  for  the 
absence  of  Mrs.  De  Green,  who  was  suffering  under  a 
violeiit  attack  of  tic-dolorenx. 

The  Rev.  Jacob  Jones  having  combed  bis  liair  and 
changed  bis  shoes  in  the  entrance,  announced  himself, 
and  Professor  Girdlestono,  a  wandering  geologist,  having 
dressed  in  the  house,  the  ])arty  was  complete,  and  Mr. 
Muleygrubs  gave  two  pulls  at  the  bell,  while  the  party 
sat  staring  at  each  other,  or  wandering  moodily  about 
as  people  at  funerals  and  set  parties  generally  do. 

"  Dinner  is  sarved !  "  at 
length  exclaimed  the  stiff- 
necked  foot-boy,  advancing 
into  the  centre  of  the  room, 
extending  his  right  arm 
like  a  guide-post.  He  then 
wheeled  out,  and  placed  him- 
self at  the  bead  of  a  line  of 
servants,  formed  by  the 
gentleman  Mr.  Jorrocks  bad 
seen  in  the  yard ;  a  square- 
built  old  man,  in  the  Muley- 
grubs livery  of  a  coacbman  ; 
Mr.  De  Green's  young  man 
in  pepper-and-salt,  with 
black  velveteens;  and  Mr. 
Slowan's  ditto,  in  some  of 
bis  master's  old  clothes. 
These  lined  the  baronial 
ball,  through  which  the  party 
passed  to  the  dining-room.  Muleygrulis  (who  was  now 
attired  in  a  Serjeant's  coat,  with  knee-buckled  breeclies 
and  black  silk  stockings)  offered  his  arm  to  Mrs.  Slowan, 
Mr.  De  Green  took  Miss  Slowan,  the  Professor  paired 
off  with  Miss  De  Green,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  brought  u])  the 
I'ear  wdth  Mrs.  Muleygrubs,  leaving  Jacob  Jones  and 
Mr.  Slowan  to  follow  at  their  leisui'e.  This  party  of  ten 
was  the  result  of  six-and-twenty  invitations. 

^  #  #  ^  #  # 

"Vot,  you've  three  o'  these  poodered  puiipies,  have 
yon  P  "  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  they  passed  along  the 
line ;  adding,  "  Ton  come  it  strong !  " 

"  We  can't  do  with  less,"  replied  the  lady,  the  cares  of 
dinner  strong  upon  her. 


DISNKE   IB    SAKVJiD 


MR.   MAKMADUKE   MULETaRTTBS  393 

"  Hnmpli !     Well.  I  doesn't  know  'bout  that,"  efrnnted 
Mr,  JoiTocks,  forfiiiij  liis  way  np  tho  vooni,  seizinc:  and 
settlinsr    himself    into    a    chair  on  his  hostess'  rierlit; 
"  well,  I  doesn't  know  'bont  that."  repeated  he,  arrang- 
in{?  his  napkin  over  his  leg's,  "  women  waiters  agm  the 
world,  say  I !     I'll  back  our  Batsay,  big'  and  'ippy  as  she 
is,  to  beat  any  two  fellers  at  waitin'." 

Mrs.  Mnleycruljs,  anxious  as  she  was  for  the  proper 
an-angement  of  her  guests,  caught  the  purport  of  the 
foregoing,  and,  woman-like,  dai-tod  a  glance  of  ineffable 
contempt  at  our  friend. 

Our  Master,  seeing  he  was  not  likely  to  find  a  good 
listener  at  this  interesting  moment,   proceeded  to  re- 
connoitre the  room,  and  make  mental  obseiwations  on 
the  unaccustomed  splendour. 

The  room  was  a  blaze  of  light.      Countless  compos 
swealed  and  simmered  in  uiassive  gilt  candelaliras,  while 
ground  lamps  of  various  forms  lighted  uj)  the  s;iluu)u- 
coloured  walls,  brightening  the  countenances  of  many 
ancestors,  and  exposing  tlie  dulness  of  the  ill-cleaned 
plate. 

Tlie  party  having  got  shuffled  into  their  places,  the 
Rev.  Jacob  Jones  said  an  elaborate  grace,  during  which 
the  conij)any  stood. 

"  I'll  tell  you  a  rmii  story  about  grace,"  observed  Mr. 
Jorrocks  to  Mrs.  Miiley grubs,  as  he  settled  himself  into 
his  seat,  and  spread  his  napkin  over  his  knees.     "It 
'apr>ened  at  Croydon.     The  landlord  o'  the  Grey-'ound 
told  a  wise  waiter,  when  a  Duke  axed  him  a  (iue.';tion, 
always  to  say  Grace.     A(;cording  tlie  Duko  o'  sonu^boily, 
in  cliangin' 'osHCs,  popped  his  "cad  out  o"  the  cliay,  and 
inquired  wot  o'clock  it  was. — '  For  wot  we're  a  goiu'  to 
receive  the  Lord  make  us  truly  thankful,"  rejilied  the 
waiter." 

Mi-H.  Miileygni})S  fithcr  did  not  niidorstand  tho  story. 
or  was  too  intent  u]>(>i\  ot  her  tilings;   at  all  rncnts,  Mr. 
Jorrocks's   haw!    haw!    haw!   was  all    tliat.    gi-eeted    lis 
arrival. — But  it)  dinner. 

There  were  two  houi)8 — at  least  two  ])lated  tureens,  one 
containing    pea-soup,     the   othor    nnifton-brof h.       Mr. 
Jorrocks  said  he  <li(ln'tliki' tin;  latf^'r.  it  always  reminded 
him  of  "  a,  <;old  in  the 'cjid."     The  poa-soiiji  Ik?  thought 
wfiry  like  oHH-grmd;  that  he  kept  to  himself. 

•  ••••• 

'■  Sherry  r.r  ,1f //-dearer  ?"  inquired  the  stilT-neeked  boy, 
going  round  with  a,  dee;inter  in  each  lianil.  upsf'lling  llic 
sonp-HpoonH,  and  drildding  the  wine  over  people's  hands. 


394.  IIANDLET   CROSS 

While  these  were  ^oing  round,  the  coachman  and  Mr 
De  Green's  boy  entered  with  two  dishes  of  fish.  On 
removing^  tlie  larfje  plated  covers,  six  pieces  of  skate  and 
a  larfre  haddock  made  their  appearance.  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
countenance  fell  five-and-twenty  per  cent.,  as  he  would 
say.  He  very  soon  despatched  one  of  the  six  pieces  of 
skate,  and  was  just  done  in  time  to  come  in  for  the  tail 
of  the  haddock. 

****** 

"The  Duke  'ill  come  on  badly  for  fish,  I'm  thinkin'." 
said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  eyeinj?  the  empty  dishes  as  they  were 
taken  ofP. 

"  Oh,  Marmaduke  don't  eat  fish,"  replied  Mrs.  M. 

"Oh,  I  doesn't  mean  yoiu-  duke,  but  the  Duke  o' 
Rutland."  rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

Mrs.  Mideyg-rubs  didn't  take. 

"  Nothing  left  for  Manners,  I  mean,  mum,"  explained 
Mr.  JoiTOcks,  pointing  to  the  empty  dish. 

Mrs.  Muleygrubs  smiled,  because  she  thought  she 
ought,  though  she  did  not  know  why. 

"  Shen-y  or  My-dearer,  sir  P  "  inquired  the  stiff-necked 
boy,  going  his  round  as  before. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  asked  Mrs.  Muleygrubs  to  take  wine,  and 
having  satisfied  hluiself  that  the  shen-y  was  bad,  he  took 
My-dearer,  which  was  worse. 

"  Bad  ticket,  I  fear,"  observed  Mr.  JoiTOcks  aloud  to 
himself,  smacking  his  lips.     "  Have  ye  any  swipes  ?" 

"  Sober-water  and  seltzer-water,"  replied  the  boy. 

"  'Ang  your  sober-water !  "  growled  Mr.  JoiTOcks. 

"  Ai-e  you  a  hard  rider,  Mr.  JoiTocks  ?  "  now  asked  his 
hostess,  still  thinking  anxioiisly  of  her  dinner. 

"  'Ardest  in  England,  muni,"  rejjlied  our  friend  con- 
fidently, muttering  aloud  to  himself,  "^  may  say  that,  for 
I  never  goes  off  the  'ard  road  if  I  can  'elp  it." 

****** 

After  a  long  pause,  during  which  the  conversation 
gradually  died  out.  a  kick  was  heard  at  the  door,  which 
the  stiff-necked  foot-boy  having  replied  to  by  opening, 
the  other  boy  appeared,  bearing  a  tray,  followed  by  all 
the  other  flunkeys,  each  cari7ing  a  silver-covered 
dish. 

"  Come,  that's  more  like  the  thing,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks 
aloud  to  himself,  eyeing  the  procession. 

A    large    dish    was    placed    under    the    host's    nose, 
another  under  tliat  of  Mrs.  Muleygrubs. 
"  Roast  beef  and  boiled  turkey  ?  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks 


ME.   MARMADUKE   MULEYGRUBS  395 

to  himself,  half  inclined  to  have  a  mental  bet  on  the 
subject.  '■  May  be  saddle  o'  nmttou  and  chickens,'"  con- 
tinued he,  pursuing:  the  speculation. 

Four  T.  Cox  Savory  side-dishes,  -svith  silver  rims  and 
handles,  next  took  places,  and  two  silvei'-covered  china 
centre  dishes  completed  the  arrang-ement. 

"  You've  lots  o'  plate,"  obsei-ved  Mr.  Jorvocks  to  Mrs. 
Muleyomibs,  trlancinof  dowTi  the  table. 

'■  Can't  do  with  less,"  re])lied  the  lady. 

StifPneck  now  proceeded  to  uncover,  followed  by  his 
comrade.  He  begfan  at  his  master,  and,  ^iviuff  the 
steam -begrimed  cover  a  flourish  in  the  air,  favoured  his 
master's  bald  head  with  a  hot  shower-bath.  Under 
pretence  of  admiring  the  ijattern.  Mr.  Jorrocks  had 
taken  a  peep  under  the  side-disli  before  him,  and  seeing 
boiled  tiuTiips  had  settled  that  there  was  a  round  of  beef 
at  tlie  bottom  of  the  table.  Spare  ribs  presented  them- 
selves to  view.  Mrs.  Muleyirrubs's  dish  held  a  degenerate 
turkey,  so  lean  and  so  lank  that  it  looked  as  if  it  had 
Vjeen  starved  instead  of  fed.  There  was  a  reindeer 
tongue  under  one  centre  dish,  and  sausages  imder  the 
other.  Minced  veal,  forbiddmg-looking  rissoles,  stewed 
celery,  and  pigs'  feet  occupied  the  corner  dishes. 

'■  God  bless  us  !  wliat  a  dinner  !  "  ejacukited  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, involuntarily. 

■'  Game  and  bhick-puddings  coming,  isn't  there,  my 
dear  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Muleygrubs  of  his  wife. 

"  Yes,  my  dear,"  responded  his  obedient  half. 

"  '  Murder  mo.st  foul,  as  in  the  l)e8t  it  is ; 
Bat  thiH  most  foul,  baac,  and  unnnttnml,'  " 

muttered  Mr.  Jorrocks,  running  his  fork  througli  the 
breast  of  tlie  unhappy  turkey.  "  Sliall  I  give  you  a  little 
t/in;/  (long  I " 

"  It's  turkey."  observed  tlic  lady. 

"True!"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks;  "din;/  donffs  French 
for  turkey." 

"  Arf^  yours  good  houiidH,  Mr.  Jorrocks?"  now  asked 
the  lady,  thinking  lif)\v  awkwardly  he  was  carving. 

■■  Best  goin'.  mum  !  "  replied  our  friend.  "  IJcst  goin', 
mum.  The  lielvoir  may  hr.  'andsom<!r,  and  the  Quorn 
paticnter  under  jjifftHure,  Imtfor  rr-al  tear-'iui  anil  hciil-'ini 
«|ualitieH,  there  aio  noncj  lo  comjjare  wi'  mine."  Thcy'n; 
the  buoys  for  making  the  foxes  cry  CajKivi!"  added  our 
friend,  with  a  Inroad  grin  of  delight  on  his  nuldy  face. 

"Ind*;ed,"  mused  the  anxious  la<]y,  (o  whom  our 
friend's  compurisonH  were  all  gibberish. 


396  HANDLET  CROSS 

"  Shall  I  ffive  anybody  any  tnrlcey  ?"  asked  lie,  hoi  diner 
nearly  liait  of  it  up  on  the  fork  ])i-c|)avatory  to  putthisir  it 
on  his  own  i)late.  Nobody  olaiiiiod  it,  so  our  friend 
appropriated  it. 

Munch,  Tuunch,  mnnch  was  then  the  order  of  the  day. 
Conversation  was  very  dull,  and  the  pop  and  foam  of  a 
solitary  bottle  of  '10s.  cham])a<?ne,  handed  round  nuich 
after  the  manner  of  liqueur,  did  little  towards  promoting 
it.  Mr.  Jorroeks  was  not  the  only  person  who  wondered 
"  what  had  set  him  there."  Mrs.  Muleyprubs  attempted 
to  relieve  her  a<,'onies  of  anxiety  by  asking?  occasional 
questions  of  her  ijuest. 

"Are  yours  greyhounds,  Mr.  Jorroeks?"  asked  she 
with  the  greatest  simplicity. 

"  No ;  efreyhounds,  no ;  what  shovild  put  that  i'  your 
'ead  ?  "  grunted  oxn-  Master  with  a  frown  of  disgust ; 
adding,  as  he  gnawed  away  at  the  stringy  drumstick, 
"  wouldn't  take  a  greyhound  in  a  gift." 

The  turkey  being  only  very  so-so,  and  the  reindeer 
tongue  rather  worse,  Mr.  Jorroeks  did  not  feel  disposed 
to  renew  his  acquaintance  with  either,  and  placing  his 
knife  and  fork  resignedly  on  his  plate,  determined  to 
take  his  chance  of  the  future.  He  remembered  that  in 
France  the  substantials  sometimes  did  not  come  till 
late  on. 

Stiffneck,  seeing  his  idleness,  was  presently  at  him 
with  the  dish  of  mince. 

Mr.  Jorroeks  eyed  it  suspiciously,  and  then  stirred 
the  sliced  lemon  and  meat  about  with  the  spoon.  He 
thought  at  first  of  taking  some,  then  he  thought  he 
wouldn't,  then  he  fixed  he  wouldn't.  "No,"  said  he, 
"no,"  motioning  it  away  with  his  hand,  "no,  I  likes  to 
chew  my  own  meat." 

The  r/.vsok's  were  then  candidates  for  his  custom. 

"  Large  marbles,"  observed  Mr.  Jorroeks  aloud  to 
himself  -"  large  marljles,"  repeated  he,  as  he  at  length 
succeeded  in  penetrating  the  hide  of  one  with  a  spoon. 
"  Might  as  v/ell  eat  lead,"  observed  he  aloud,  sending 
them  away  too. 

"I  often  thinks  now,"  observed  he,  turning  to  his 
hostess,  "  that  it  would  be  a  good  thing,  mum,  if  folks 
would  'gree  to  give  u]i  these  stupid  make-believe  side- 
dishes,  mum,  for  nobody  ever  eats  them,  at  least  if  they 
do  they'i'e  sure  to  come  off  second  best,  for  no  cuk  that 
evei-  was  foaled  can  do  justice  to  sich  a  wariety  of 
wittles." 

"  Oh  !  but,  Mr.  Jorroeks,  how  could  you  send  up  a 


MR.   MAEMADUKE   MULKYGRUBS  397 

dinner  properly  without  them?"  exclaimed  the  lady 
with  miucrled  horror  and  astonishment. 

"  Properly  without  them,  mum.'"  repeated  our  Master, 
coolly  and  deliberately ;  '"  proijerly  without  them,  mum 
— why  that's  jest  wot  I  was  meanin',"'  continued  he. 
"  You  see  your  cuk  'as  sich  a  multitude  o'  things  to  do, 
that  it's  hutterly  uujwssiljle  for  her  to  send  them  all  in 
properly,  so  'stead  o'  gettin'  a  few  things  well  done,  ye 
get  a  great  many  only  badly  done." 

"  Indeed  I  "  fumed  tbe  lady,  bridling  with  contempt. 

"  The  great  Duke  o'  Wellington— no  'fence  to  the 
present  one."  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  a  low  bow  to 
the  table — '"  who,  I'm  proud  to  say  gets  his  tea  o'  me  too, 
— the  gi-eat  Duke  o'  Wellington,  mum,  used  to  say. 
mum,  that  the  reason  why  one  seldom  got  a  hegg  well 
biled  was  'cause  the  cuk  Avas  always  a  doin'  summut 
else  at  the  same  time,  and  that  hobservation  will  apply 
purty  well  to  most  cuking  ho]:)erations.'' 

"  Well,  then,  you'd  have  no  i)late  on  the  table,  I  pre- 
sume. Mr.  JoiTocks  ?  "  observed  the  irascible  lady. 

'■  Plate  on  the  table,  mum— plate  on  the  table,  mum," 
repeated  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  ^vith  the  same  provoking  i)ro- 
lixity,  "v.'hy  I  really  doesn't  know  that  plate  on  the 
talkie's  of  any  great  use.  I  minds  the  time  when  folks 
tliought  four  silver  side-dishes  made  genTmen  on  'em, 
but  since  tlicse  Brummagem  things  turned  hu]),  they  go 
for  a  bit  o'  laud— hind's  the  ticket  now,"  observed  our 
Master. 

While  this  unpalatable  conversation — unpalatable,  at 
Iciist,  to  our  hostess  -was  going  on,  the  first  course  was 
being  removed,  and  a  large,  ric.bly-ornanieutcd  cold 
game-pie  made  its  appearance,  which  was  placed  before 
Mr.  MuleygiuljK. 

"Large  tart!"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  eyeing  it, 
thinking  if  lie  could  help  himself  he  miglit  yet 
manage  to  make  uj)  iiis  lee-way:  "tliougiit  there  was 
dark  pud'iiuH  comin,"  obs<;rved  he  to  liis  hostess. 

"  Game  and  hlark  puddings,"  replied  Mns.  Muleygrubs. 
"  This  comes  between  courses  always." 

"  Never  saw  it  afore,  "  observed  Mr.  Jorrocrks. 

Mr.  Marniaduke  lidpccl  tin;  i)ie  very  sparingly,  just  as 
lie  had  seen  the  I>utl<'r  at  Ongar  Castle  lielping  a  pAtit 
dc  fol.i  i/rax ;  and  j)utl  ing  a.s  mucli  on  to  a  plate  as  would 
miike  about  a  mouthful  and  a  half  to  ea«h  person,  lie 
sent  Stiffiieck  round  with  a  fork  to  let  i)eoj>le  iielp  them- 
selves. Fortiuiately  for  Mr.  Joi-rorkH.  neitlier  Mr.  nor 
MisB  Dc  Green,  nor  Mi«8  Slowau  nor  Mrs.  Muleygnil)9 


398  HANDLBY  CROSS 

took  any,  and  the  untouched  plate  coming  to  him,  he 
very  coolly  seized  the  whole,  while  the  foot-boy  returned 
to  the  dismayed  Mr.  Muleygriiibs  for  more.  Putting-  a 
few  more  scraps  on  a  plate,  Mr.  Muleygrubs  sent  off  the 
pie.  lest  any  one  should  make  a  second  attack. 

By  dint  of  plying  a  good  knife  and  fork,  our  friend 
cleared  his  plate  just  as  the  second  course  made  its 
appearance.  This  consisted  of  a  brace  of  partridges 
guarding  a  diminutive  snipe  at  the  top,  and  three  links 
of  black-pudding  at  the  bottom — stewed  celery,  potato 
chips,  putt's,  and  tartlets  forming  the  side-dishes. 

"  Humph ! "  giamted  our  friend,  eyeing  each  dish  as 
it  was  uncovered.  "  Humph  !  "  repeated  he— "not  miich 
there — three  shillins  for  the  top  dish,  one  for  the  bottom, 
and  eighteen-pence,  say,  for  the  four  sides — five  and  six 
— altogether— think  I  could  do  it  for  five.  Howsomever, 
never  mind,"  continued  he,  drawing  the  dish  of  game 
towards  him.  "Anybody  for  any  gihicr,  as  we  say  in 
France?"  asked  he,  driving  his  fork  into  the  breast  of 
the  plumpest  of  the  partridges.  Nobody  closed  with 
the  ott'er. 

"  Pr'aps  if  you'd  help  it,  and  let  it  he  handed  round, 
some  one  will  take  some,"  suggested  Mr.  Muleygrubs. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  I've  no  objection— none 
wotever— only,  while  these  clumsey  chaps  o'  yours  are 
runnin'  agin  each  other  with  it,  the  wittles  are  coolin' — 
that's  all,"  said  our  master,  placing  half  a  partridge  on 
a  plate,  and  delivering  it  up  to  go  on  its  travels. 
Thinking  it  cut  well,  Mr.  Jorrocks  placed  the  other  half 
on  his  own  plate,  and  taking  a  comprehensive  sweep  of 
the  ciamibs  and  bread  sauce,  i^roceeded  to  make  sure  of 
the  share  Ijy  eating  a  mouthful  of  it.  He  need  not  have 
been  alarmed,  for  no  one  came  for  any,  and  he  munched 
and  cranchecl  his  portion  in  peace.  He  then  eat  the 
sni])e  almost  at  a  bite. 

"  What  will  you  take  next,  Mr.  Jorrocks  ?  "  asked  his 
hostess,  disgusted  at  his  rapacity. 

"  Thank  "ee,  mum,  thank  'ee,"  replied  he,  munching 
and  clearing  his  mouth ;  "  thank  'ee,  mum,"  added  he, 
"  I'll  take  breath  if  you  please,  mum,"  added  he,  throwing 
himself  back  in  his  chair. 

"  Have  you  killed  many  hares,  Mr.  Jorrocks  P "  now 
asked  his  persevering  hostess,  who  was  sitting  on  thoms 
as  she  saw  an  entering  dish  of  blancmange  toppling  to 
its  fall. 

"  No,  mum,  none ! "  responded  our  Master,  vehemently, 
for  he  had  an  angry  letter  in  his  pocket  from  Captain 


ME.   MAEMADUKE   MULEYGRUBS  399 

Slaughter's  keeper,  complaining  bitterly  of  the  recent 
devastation  of  his  hounds — a  calamity  that  of  course  the 
keeper  made  the  most  of,  inasmuch  as  friend  Jorrocks, 
as  usual,  had  forgotten  to  give  him  his  "  tip." 

Our  innocent  hostess,  however,  never  listened  for  the 
answer,  for  the  blancmange  having  landed  with  the  loss 
only  of  a  corner  tower,  for  it  was  in  the  castellated  style 
of  confectionery,  she  was  now  all  anxiety  to  see  what 
sort  of  a  savoui-y  omelette  her  drunken  job-cook  would 
furnish,  to  remove  the  black-puddings  at  the  other  end 
of  the  table. 

During  this  interval,  our  Master,  having  thrust  his 
hands  deep  in  the  pockets  of  his  canary-coloured  shorts, 
reconnoitred  the  table  to  see  who  would  either  ask  him 
to  take  wine,  or  who  he  should  honour  that  way  :  but  not 
seeing  any  very  prepossessing  phiz,  and  recollecting  that 
Mrs.  J.  had  told  him  the  good  old-fashioned  custom  was 
"  wulgar,"  he  was  about  to  help  himself  from  a  (!on- 
veniently-placed  decanter,  when  Stilfneck,  seeing  what 
he  was  at,  dai-ted  at  the  decanter,  and  xjassing  behind 
Mr.  JoiTOcks's  chair,  prepared  to  fill  to  his  holding, 
when,  missing  his  aim,  lie  first  sluiced  our  Master's 
hand,  and  then  shot  a  considerable  quantity  of  sherry 
down  his  sleeve. 

"  Hot  ye,  ye  great  lumberin'  beggar!  "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  furiously  indignant;  "rot  ye,  do  ye  think  I'm 
like  Miss  Biffin,  the  unfortunate  lady  without  harms  or 
legs,  that  I  can't  'elp  myself?"  continued  he,  dashing 
tlie  wet  out  of  liis  spoon  cult".  "  Now,  that's  the  wust  o' 
your  flunkey  fellers,"  continued  he  in  a  milder  tone  to 
Mrs.  Muleygrubs,  as  the  laughter  the  exclamation  caused 
had  subsided.  "  That's  the  wust  o'  your  flunkey  fellers," 
repeated  he,  mopping  his  arm  ;  "  they  know  they'd  never 
be  fools  enough  to  keep  fellers  to  do  notliin',  and  so  tliey 
think  they  must  be  constantly  meddlin'.  Now,  your 
women  waiters  are  (juite  different,"  continued  lie  ;  "  tiiey 
only  try  for  the  useful,  and  not  for  the  iielogant.  There's 
no  flash  'bout  them.  If  they  see  a  tiling's  under  your 
nose,  they  let  you  reach  it,  and  don't  l)ring  a  dish  that's 
steady  on  the  tal)le  round  at  your  back  to  treml)le  on 
their  'ands  imder  your  nose,  liosidos,"  addfMl  our 
Master,  "  you  never  see  a  bosky  Batsay  waiter,  which  is 
more  than  can  be  said  of  all  d(jg  un's." 

"  But  you  surely  couldn't  expect  ladies  to  be  waited 
upon  by  women,  Mr.  Jorrocks,' exclaimed  his  astonished 
hostess. 

"I  would,  though,"  replied  our  Muster,  firmly,  with  u 


400 


IIANDLKY   CROSS 


jerk  of  his  head — "  I  would,  though — I'd  uot  ouly  'ave 
them  waited  upon  by  women,  but  I'd  have  them  served 
by  women  i'  the  shops,  'stead  o'  those  nasty  d;indilied 
counter-skippin'  Jackanapes,  wot  set  u\)  their  himjjer- 
ances  in  a  way  that  makes  one  long  to  kick  'em." 

"How's  that,  Mr.  J  orrocks  ?  "  asked  the  lady,  with  a 
smile  at  his  if?norance. 


MK.   JOEKOCKB   GETS   A    LITTLK    "Mi'-DEAUEU"    DOWN    HIS    SLEEVE 

"  'Ow's  that,  mum  ?  "  repeated  our  Master—"  'Ow's 
that  ?  Why,  by  makin'  you  run  the  gauntlet  of  pr'aps  a 
double  row  o'  these  poopies,  one  holloain'  out — '  Wot 
shall  I  show  you  to-day,  mum  ? '  Another,  '  Now,  mum ! 
French  merino  embroidered  robes  ! '  A  third,  '  Paisley 
and  French  wove  shawls,  mum !  or  Russian  sables ! 
chinchillas !  henuines  ! '  or  '  Wot's  the  next  hai-ticle, 
mum  ? '  as  if  a  woman's— I  bey  pardon— a  lady's  wants 


ME.   MARMADUKE   MULEYGRUBS  401 

were  never  to  be  satisfied— Oli  dear,  and  with  Cliristmas 
a  comin'  on."  shuddered  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  upraised 
hands ;  '"  wot  a  lot  o'  squabbles  and  contentions  'ill 
shortly  be  let  loose  upon  the  world — bonnets,  ribbons, 
sarsnets,  bombazeens,  thing's  that  the  poor  paymasters 
expected  'ad  come  out  of  the  'ouse  money,  or  been  paid 
for  long  ago." 

While  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  mouoiiolizing  the  attention  of 
the  company  by  the  foregoing  domestic  *'  lector "  as  it 
may  be  called,  the  denounced  domestics  were  cleanng 
away  the  sweets,  and  replacing  them  with  a  dish  of  red 
herrings,  and  a  very  strong-smelling,  brown  soapy- 
looking  cheese. 

Our  Master,  notwithstanding  his  efforts,  being  still  in 
an-ear  with  his  appetite,  thought  to  "fill  up  the  chinks," 
as  he  calls  it,  with  cheese,  so  he  took  a  liberal  snjjply  as 
the  plate  came  round— nearly  the  half  of  it,  in  fact. 

He  very  soon  found  out  his  mistake.  It  was  strong, 
and  salt,  and  leathery,  very  unlike  what  Paxton  and 
Whitfield  supplied  him  with. 

"  Good  cheese !  Mr.  JoiTOcks,"  exclaimed  his  host,  up 
the  table  ;  "  good  cheese,  eh  P  " 

"  Humph  I "  grunted  oiu-  Master,  munching  languidly 
at  it. 

'■  Excellent  cheese,  don't  you  think  so,  Mr.  Jon-ocks  ?  " 
asked  his  host,  boldly. 

"  C-h-i-e-1-dren,"  di-awled  our  Master,  pushing  away 
his  unfinished  plate,  "  would  eat  any  q-u-a-a-n-tity  of  it."' 

The  clearing  of  tlie  taljle  helped  to  conceal  the  ill- 
Hujjpressed  titter  of  the  company. 

And  now  with  the  dessert  came  an  iiilliix  of  little 
Mnleygrubs,  who  had  hmg  been  on  guard  in  the  passage 
intercepting  the  return  viands,  much  to  the  nurse's 
annoyance,  lest  they  should  stain  tlieir  red-ribboned 
white  frocks,  or  disorder  their  well-plastered  hair.  The 
first  glare  of  light  being  out  of  their  eyes,  they  proceed 
to  distribute  tliemselves  according  to  tlieir  respective 
notions  of  good-natured  faces;  Magdalene  Margery 
going  to  Mrs.  Slowan,  Leonora  Lucretia  to  Miss  De 
Green,  and  Victoria  Jemima  to  Mr.  JonockB,  who  forth- 
witii  begins  iiandling  liei-  as  lie  W(juld  a  hound. 

"  And 'ow  old  are  you,  sir  P"  asks  he,  mistaking  her 
sex. 

"That's  a  girl,"  explained  Mrs.  Mnleygrubs:  "say 
fonr,  my  dear." 

Mr.  JoiTockH.— "Charmin'  child!"  (aloud);  (to  him- 
self) "little  bore." 


402 


HANDLEY   CEOSS 


"And  wot  do  they  call  you.  my  little  dear?"  asked 
lie :  •"  Gravity;  — '  Notable,'  — '  Habij^ail,'  — '  Mischief,' 
p'rhaps  P  "  added  he,  running  over  the  names  of  some  of 
his  lady  hounds. 

"  No  :  Victoria." — "  Victoria,  what  ?  ''  asked  mamma. 

"  Victoria  Jemima,"  lisped  the  child. 

"  All.    Wictoria    Jemima,"    repeated    Mr.    Jorrocks. 


THE  .1UVENILE  MULEXQEUB8 


"  Wictoi-ia  Jemima — Wictoria  arter  the  Queen.  I  pre- 
sume; Jemima  arter  who?  arter  mamma,  1  dessay." 

Mrs.  Muleyf^rubs  smiled  assent. 

"  Werry  purty  names  both  on  'em,"  observed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks. 

"  And  'ow  many  pinches  did  the  nus  give  your  cheeks 
to  make  them  this  pretty  pink?"  asks  our  Master, 
making  a  long  arm  at  the  figs. 


MR.   MARMADUKE   MULEYGRUBS  403 

•*Thre-e-e,"  drawled  the  child. 

"  Hush  !  nonsense !  "  frowned  Mrs.  Mnley^rubs,  hold- 
incr  xip  a  forefinger. 

•'  She  d-i-i-i-d ! "  whined  the  child,  to  the  convulsion 
of  the  company. 

"No,  no,  no,"  responded  Mrs.  Muleygrubs.  with  an 
ominous  shake  of  the  head,  and  trying  to  direct  her 
attention  to  a  dish  of  sticky  sweets  that  were  just  placed 
within  reach. 

"  How  many  children  have  you,  Mr.  Jorrocks  ?  "  now 
asked  the  lady,  thinking  to  pay  him  off  for  some  of  his 
yaucheries. 

"  'Ow  many  chi-e-1-di-en'  'ave  I,  mum  ?  "  repeated  Mr. 
JoiTocks,  thoughtfully.  "  Ow  many  chi-e-1-di-en  'ave  I? 
Legally  sjjeakin',  mum,  none. — Chi-e-1-dren,"  con- 
tinued oui-  Master,  dry-shaving  his  stubbly  chin,  "are 
certain  cares,  but  werry  uncertain  comfoi-ts,  as  my  old 
mother  said  when  I  hupset  her  snuff-box  into  the  soup."' 

"Oh  dear,  I'm  nfraid  you've  been  a  sad  mischievous 
lx)y,  Mr.  JoiTOcks,"'  observed  the  lady,  motioning  Stiff- 
neck  to  put  the  almond-backed  sponge-cake  rabbit 
straight  on  the  taVde. 

"  Poojjeys  and  buoys  never  good  for  nothin'  unless 
they  are — 'Opes  yours  are  well  fo\ind  that  way  ?  " 

The  inquiry  was  lost  upon  the  lady,  who  was  now  in 
a  state  of  desperate  tri]>ulation  at  seeing  Stiffneck 
secundus  bent  on  placing  a  second  coiirse  sweet  on  the 
table  instead  of  the  dessert  dish.  A  significant  cough 
and  a  slight  inclination  of  the  head  drew  Stiffneck's 
attention  to  the  mistake,  and  our  hostess  has  at  length 
the  satisfaction  of  seeing  all  things  in  thi'ir  riglit  places. 
Apjiles,  pears,  foreign  grapes,  all  soi-ts  of  iiii  wholesome 
fiiiit,  having  l>een  duly  hiiuded  round,  the  wiiic^  iipxt  set 
out  on  its  travels ;  and  Mr.  Jorrocks.  wlio  liad  looked 
in  vain  for  a  water-biscuit,  again  turned  his  attention  to 
the  now  lip-licking  child. 

"Well,  my  little  dear,"  said  lie,  stroking  down 
her  head,  and  then  temnting  her  to  rise  to  a  piece  of 
sponge-cake  held  ahove  tier  nose,  "  well,  my  little  dear," 
repeated  he,  giving  her  it,  "do  you  like  barley-sugar  H  " 

"  Yeth,  and  tliiigar  candy,"  lisj>c<l  the  child. 

Mr.  Jorrocks.-  "Ah,  sugar  candy;  sugar  candy's 
grand  stuff.     I  sell  sugar  candy." 

Victoria  Jeiuini.i  (in  auia/.cnient).— "  Thell  thugar 
candy  !     I  thought  you  were  a  gcmpletnan  !  " 

Mr.  Jon^ocks. — "A  romnirrrial  gcn'lenian.  luy  dear  I  " 

Victoria  Jemima.  —"Not  a  great  Kwnipl*^'"-"!  'i'»'*^  l)ai''' 


404  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Mr.  Jorrocks  (with  humility).— "No ;  not  a  ffreat 
^'enipleiiuin  like  pa.  He's  a  Peernge  man,  I'm  only  a 
Post  Hoffice  Directory  one,"  Mr.  Jorrocks  looking 
slyly  at  his  host  as  he  said  it.  "  Howsomever.  never 
mind,'"  contini;ed  our  Master,  helpinj?  himself  liberally 
as  the  fleet  of  bottles  atjfain  anchored  before  him. 
"  Howsomever,  never  mind ;  when  you  comes  to  see  me 
at  'Andley  Cross,  I'll  fjive  you  a  pund  o'  sugar  candy, 
and  show  you  my  'ounds,"  added  he,  passing  the  bottles. 

"  And  the  bear !  "  exclaimed  the  delighted  child. 

"  Bear,  my  dear !  I've  no  bear,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks 
soberly. 

Mrs.  Muleygrubs  (with  a  frown,  and  a  forefinger  held 
up  as  before). — "Hush,  Yictoria  Jemima!  don't  talk 
nonsense." 

Victoria  Jemima  (pouting).—"  W-a-l-e,  m-a-a-r,  you 
know  you  said  Mr.  Jonnocks  was  next  door  to  a  bear." 

Mrs.  Muleygrubs,  whose  quick  apprehension  saw  the 
mischief  her  daughter  was  drawing  up  to,  cannoned  a 
smiling  glance  at  Mrs.  Slowan  off  on  Miss  De  Green  on 
the  opposite  side  of  the  table,  and  rose,  vowing  as  she 
drove  the  party  out  before  her.  that  one  ought  "  never 
to  say  anything  before  children." 


CHAPTER    XL 

THE   TWO  PKOFESSORS 

The  ladies  being  gone,  the  tisual  inquiries  of  "  Are  you 
warm  enotigh  liere,  sir?"  "Won't  you  take  an  arm- 
chair ?  ■■  '■  Do  you  feel  the  door  ?  "  having  Leen  made 
and  responded  to,  the  pai-ty  closed  up  towards  Mr. 
Muleygi-ubs,  who  now  assumed  the  top  of  tlie  table, 
each  man  sticking  out  his  legs,  or  hanging  an  arm  over 
the  back  of  liis  chair,  as  suited  his  ease  and  convenience. 
Mr.  Jon-ocks,  being  the  stranger,  the  politeness  of  the 
])arty  was  directed  to  liim. 

"  Been  in  this  part  of  the  country  before,  sir  ?  "  in- 
quired Professor  Girdlestone,  cornering  his  chair 
towards  Professor  Jorrocks. 

"  In  course  I  'ave,'  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks  ;  "  I  'unts  the 
countiy,  and!  am  in  all  parts  of  it  at  times— ven  I  goes 
out  of  a  momin'  I  doesn't  know  where  I  may  be  afore 
night ! 

"Indeed I "  exclaimed  the  Professor.  " Delightful  occu- 
pation!" continued  he:  "what  opportunities  you  have 
of  surveying  nature  in  all  her  moods,  and  admiring  lier 
hidden  charms !  Did  you  ever  observe  the  oxtraoidinary 
formation  of  the  hanging  rocks  about  a  mile  and  a  lialf 
to  the  east  of  this?     Tlie— " 

"I  ran  a  fox  into  tliem  wen-y  rocks,  I  do  believe," 
inteiTupted  Mr.  Joirock.s.  bi-ight^;7iing  up.  "  We  found 
at  Haddingt<jn  St^jejj.  and  ran  througli  Nosterley  Firs, 
Crampton  Haws,  and  Fitchin  Park,  where  we  had  a 
slioi-t  check,  owin'  to  the  stain  o'  deer,  l)ut  T  hit  otf  the 
scent  outside,  like  a  workman  as  I  am,  and  we  ran  straight 
down  to  these  w^ny  rocks,  when  all  of  a  sudden  th' 
'ounds  threw  up,  and  I  was  certain  he  had  got  anumg 
'em.  Veil,  I  gets  a  spade  and  a  tan-ier,  and  I  digs,  and 
digs,  and  honks  as  my  Scotch  'untsman  calls  it,  lill  near 
night,  th'  "ounds  got  starved,  th'  'osses  got  cold,  and  1 
got  the  rhcumatis,  but,  howsoinever,  wo  couhl  make 
nothin'  of  him  ;   liut  1   -" 

"Tiien  yoii  would  see  the  geological  formation  of  the 
wliole  thing,"  interposed  the  Professor.     "The  ciirboni- 


40f)  HANPLEY   CROSS 

feroiis  series  is  extraordinarily  developed.  Indeed,  I 
know  of  nothing'  to  compare  with  it,  except  the  Bristol 
coal-field,  on  the  ])anks  of  the  Avon.  There  the  doloniitic 
conglomerate,  a  rock  of  an  age  intermediate  betwetai  the 
carboniferous  series  and  the  lias,  rests  on  the  titmcated 
edges  of  the  coal  and  mountain  limestone,  and  contains 
rolled  and  angular  fragments  of  the  latter,  in  which  are 
seen  the  chai'acteristic  mountain  limestone  fossils.  The 
geological  formation — " 

"  Oh,  I  doesn't  know  nothin'  about  the  geo-nothin' 
formation  o'  the  thing,"  interposed  Mr.  Jon-ocks  hastily, 
"nor  does  I  care;  I  minds  the  top  was  soft  enough,  as 
most  tops  are,  but  it  got  confounded  'ard  lower  down, 
and  we  broke  a  pick-axe,  a  shovel,  and  two  spades  afore 
we  were  done,  for  though  in  a  general  way  I'm  as  in- 
different 'Ijout  blood  as  any  one,  seein'  that  a  fox  well 
fund  w'e  me  is  a  fox  as  good  as  killed,  and  there  is  not 
never  no  fear  o"  my  'ounds  bein'  out  o'  blood,  for  though 
I  says  it,  who  p'raps  shouldn't,  there's  no  better  'unts- 
man  than  I  am,  but  some'ow  this  beggar  had  riled  me 
uncommon,  'avin'  most  pertinaciously  refused  to  Ijrik  at 
the  end  o'  the  cover  I  wanted,  and  then  took  me  a  dance 
hup  the  wen-y  steepest  pai-t  o'  Higham  Hill,  'stead  o' 
sailing  plisantly  away  over  Somerby  water  meadows, 
and  so  on  to  the  jilantations  at  Squerries--" 

'■  That's  the  very  place  I've  been  cudgelling  my  brains 
the  whole  of  this  blessed  day  to  remember,"  exclaimed 
the  Professor,  flourishing  his  napkin.  "  That's  the  very 
place  I've  been  cudgelling  my  brains  the  whole  of  this 
blessed  day  to  remember.  A  mile  and  a  half  to  the  east 
of  Squerries — no,  south-east  of  SqueiTies,  is  a  spring  of 
carbonic  acid  gas,  an  elastic  fluid  that  has  the  property 
of  decomposing  many  of  the  hardest  rocks  with  which  it 
comes  in  contact,  particularly  that  numerous  class  in 
whose  composition  felspar  is  an  ingredient;  it  renders 
the  oxide  of  iron  soluble  in  water,  and  contributes  to  the 
solution  of  calcareous  matter;  I — " 

"You  don't  say  so!"  inteiTupted  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "I 
wish  I'd  'ad  a  bucket  on  it  wi'  me.  for  I  really  believe  I 
sliould  ha'  got  the  fox,  for  though  I  holds  with  Beckford, 
that  'ounds  'ave  no  great  happetite  for  foxes  longer  nor 
they're  hangry  with  'em,  yet  in  a  houk.  as  we  exi^ects 
each  dig  to  be  the  last,  one  forgets  while  one's  own 
hanger's  risin'  that  their's  is  coolin',  and  though  we 
worked  as  if  we  were  borin'  for  a  spring — " 

"  That's  very  strange ! "  now  interiiipted  Mr.  Maiina- 
duke,  who  had  been  listening  attentively  all  the  time, 


THE  TWO   PROFESSORS  407 

anxioiTs  to  get  a  v,'ortl  in  sideways.  "That's  very 
sti-ange !  Old  Tommy  Roadnitrlit  c-iiino  to  me  one 
morning'  for  a  summons  against  Willy  Udal  for  that 
very  thing.  He  vrould  have  it  that  Willy  had  bored 
the  rock  to  draw  the  Avatei"  from  his  well.  Now  I  as  a 
justice  of  the  peace  of  ovir  sovereign  lady  the  Queen — 
perhaps  you  are  not  in  the  Commission  of  the  Peace, 
are  you,  Mr.  JoiTocks  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Muleygrubs  again. 

"  Not  I,"  replied  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  carelessly. 

"  Well,  never  mind,  perhaps  you  may  get  in  some  day 
or  other,"  observed  the  consoling  justice ;  "'but  as  I  was 
Baying,  I  as  a  county  magistrate,  with  the  immense 
responsibility  of  the  due  administration  of  the  laws, 
tempered  always  with  mercy,  without  which  legislation 
is  intolerant  and  jurisprudence  futile, — I,  I  say,  did  not 
feel  justified  in  issuing  my  summons  under  my  hand 
and  seal  for  the  attendance  of  the  said  William  Udal, 
at  the  suit  of  the  said  Tlionias  Roadniglit,  without  some 
Ijetter  evidence  than  the  conjecture  of  the  .said  William, 
besides,  perhaps,  you  are  not  aware  that  the  Trespass 
Act,  as  it  is  termed,  should  rather  be  called  the  Wilful 
Damage  Act.  for  the  J.P.  has  to  adjudicate  more  on  the 
damage  actually  sustained  by  the  trespass,  than  on  the 
trespass  itself,  indeed  without  damage  there  would  seem 
to  he  no  trespass,  therefoie  I  felt  unless  the  said  Thomas 
Roadnight  could  jjrove  tliat  the  said  William  Udal  really 
and  truly  drew  off  the  said  water — " 

"  Con-fonnd  your  water ! "  inteiTupted  Mr.  Jorrocks ; 
"  give  U.S  the  wine,  and  let's  have  a  toast :  wot  say  you  to 
fo-x-'unting?" 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  replied  Mr.  Muleygrubs.  looking 
vei-y  indignant,  at  the  same  time  helping  himself  and 
jiassing  the  decanters.  "Upon  my  word,"  resumed  he, 
"the  man  who  administers  justice  fairly  and  inij)artially 
lias  no  easy  time  of  it,  and  were  it  not  for  the  great 
regard  T  have  for  tlic  Jjord-Lieutenant  and  my  un- 
bounded loyalty  to  the  Queen,  1  think  I  should  cease 
acting  altogether." 

"Do,"  exclaiiii"d  Mr.  Jorrocks  eagerly,  "and  take  to 

imting  instead,  -make  you  an  lioTiorary  member  of  my 

'unt,     far  finer  sport  than  sittin'  in  a  'ot  slioj)  with  your 

'at  on ; 

"  '  Bnttcr  to  rove  in  flelds  for  'calth  \iiitH.uKht, 
Than  fco  the  iloctor  for  n  hihihcoub  drautfht.' " 

Mr.  Mnh-ygrubH  did  not  deign  a  reply. 

The  wine"  circulated   languidly,  and  Mr.  JoiTOcks  in 


408  HANDLEY  CROSS 

vain  tried  to  ^et  up  a  conversation  on  hunting.  The 
professor  always  started  his  stones,  or  Mr.  Muleygrubs 
his  Uiw,  varied  hj'  an  occasional  snore  from  Mr.  Slowan, 
who  had  to  be  nudged  by  Jones  every  time  the  bottle 
went  round.  Thiis  they  battled  on  for  about  an 
hour. 

"  Would  you  like  any  more  wine  ?  "  at  length  inquired 
Mr.  Muleygrubs,  with  a  motion  of  rising. 

"  Not  any  more,  I'm  obleged  to  you,"  replied  the  ob- 
sequious Mr.  Jacob  Jones,  who  was  angling  for  the 
chaplaincy  of  Mr.  Marmaduke's  axjproaching  shrievalty. 

"  Just  another  bottle ! "  rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks,  en- 
couragingly. 

"  Take  a  glass  of  claret,"  replied  Mr.  Miileygrnbs, 
handing  the  jug  to  our  master. 

"  Ray ther  not,  thank  ye,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTocks,  "not 
the  stuff  for  me. — By  the  way  now,  I  should  think," 
continued  Mr.  JoiTocks,  with  an  air  of  sudden  enlighten- 
ment, "  that  some  of  those  old  ancient  hancestors  o' 
youi's  have  been  fond  o'  claret." 

"  Why  so  ?  "  replied  Mr.  Muleygi'ubs,  pertly. 

"Doesn't  know,"  replied  Mr.  Joirocks,  musingly,  "'but 
I  never  hears  your  name  mentioned  without  thinking  o' 
small  claret.  But  come,  let's  have  another  bottle  o'  black 
strap — it's  good  strap — sound  and  strong — got  what  I 
calls  a  good  grip  o'  the  gob." 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Muleygrubs,  getting  up  and  ringing 
the  bell,  "  if  you  must,  you  must,  )jut  I  should  think  you 
have  had  enough." 

"  Port  Wine  !  "  exclaimed  he,  with  the  air  of  a  man 
with  a  dozen  set  out,  to  his  figui-e  footman  as  he 
answered  the  bell. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  boy,  retiring  for  the  same. 

"Letter  from  the  Secretary  of  State  for  the  Home 
Department,"  exclaimed  Stiffneck,  re-entering  and  pre- 
senting Mr.  Muleygrubs  with  a  long  official  letter  on  a 
large  silver  tray. 

"  Confound  the  Secretary  of  State  for  the  Home 
Depai'tment ! "  muttered  Mr.  Muleygi-ubs,  pretending  to 
break  a  seal  as  he  hurried  out  of  the  room. 

"That's  a  rouse!"  (ruse),  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
putting  his  forefinger  to  his  nose,  and  winking  at  Mr. 
De  Green — "  gone  to  the  cellar." 

"  Queer  fellow,  Muleygiiibs,"  observed  Mr.  De  Green. 

"  What  a  dinner  it  was  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Slowan. 

"  'Ungry  as  when  I  sat  down,"  remarked  Mr.  Jon-ocks. 

"  All  Hash,"  rejoined  Professor  Girdlestone. 


THE   TWO  PROFESSORS  409 

"  I  pity  his  wife."  obseiTed  Jacob  Jones ;  "  they  say  he 
licks  her  like  fun." 

■■  Little  savaf^fe,"  rejoined  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  "  should  like 
to  make  a  drag  of  him  for  my  'ounds." 

The  footboy  at  len^h  appeared  bring-ino-  the  re- 
plenished decanter.  Mr.  Miileygruljs  returned  just  as 
the  lad  left  the  room. 

Having'  resumed  his  seat,  Mr.  JoiTOcks  rose  and  with 
great  gravity  addressed  him  as  follows :—"  Sir,  in  your 
absence  we  have  "ad  the  plissiu-  o'  drinkin'  your  werry 
good  'ealth,  coupled  with  the  expression  of  an  'ope  that 
the  illustrious  'ouse  of  Muleygrubs  may  long  floiirish  in 
these  your  ancestral  and  liarouial  'alls,"  a  sentiment  so 
neat  and  so  far  from  the  truth,  as  to  di-aw  down  the 
mirth  concealing  applause  of  the  party. 

'■  Mr.  JoiTOcks  and  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  MideygTubs, 
rising  after  a  proper  lapse  of  time,  and  holding  a 
brimmer  of  wine  in  his  hand,  "  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  gentle- 
men," repeated  he,  "if  any  thing  can  compensate  a 
public  man  for  the  faithful  perfornumce  of  an  arduous 
and  difficult  office — increased  by  the  prolixity  of  the  laws 
and  the  redundancy  of  the  statute-book,  it  is  the  applause 
of  upright  and  intelligent  men  like  yourselves  (Hear, 
hear).  He  who  would  administer  the  laws  faitlifully  and 
impartially,  needs  the  hinward  harmour  of  an  iipproying 
conscience,  with  the  houtward  support  of  public  liappro- 
bation  (Hear.  hear).  I  firmly  believe  the  liberal  ])ortion 
of  the  unpaid  magistracy  of  England  are  deserving  of 
every  enconium  the  world  can  l>estow.  Zealous  in  tlieii' 
duties,  patient  in  their  iiii|nii-ies,  im])artial  in  their  judg- 
ments, and  inflexible  in  their  decisions,  they  form  a  bul- 
wark round  the  throne,  more  national  and  more  noble 
than  the  coronetted  8pa\vn  of  a  mushroom  liai-istocracy." 

Mr.  M.  wait^id  for  applause,  which,  however,  did  not 
come.     He  then  jtroceeded  : — 

"  I  feel  convinced  there  is  not  a  man  in  the  commission 
who  would  not  jirefer  tlie  tran(|uility  of  private  life  to 
the  lofty  heminence  of  niagisterial  dignities,  but  there  is 
a  feeling  dofply  iiri|)lanted  in  the  Ijreaats  of  English 
gentlemen  which  forliids  tlie  (tonsidf-ration  of  jn-ivat^ 
ease  when  a  nation's  wants  have  betiii  expressed  through 
the  medium  of  a  lieioved  Scjvcir'ign's  wishes, -England 
expects  that  every  niiin  will  do  liis  duty  "  continued  Mr. 
Aluleygniha,  raiaing  liis  voice  and  throwing  out  his  right 
aijn. 

"  Bravo,  Gnil»sl  "  exc!;iiriifd  Mr.  Joi-nx-ks;  "you  spo.ik 
like  Cicero!"  an  encomium  that  drew  fcjrtli  tlir-  ill-sup- 


4-10  IIANPLRY   CBOSF! 

jiressed  mirth  of  the  party,  and  cut  the  orator  short  in 
his  discourse. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Muleypfnibs,  looking  very 
indi^Tiantly  at  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  I  thank  you  for  the 
honour  you  have  done  me  in  drinking  my  liealth,  and 
beg  to  drink  all  yours  in  return." 

"And  'o\v"s  the  Secretary  o'  State  for  the  'Ome 
Department  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks,  vs^ith  a  malicicms 
grin,  after  Mr.  Muleygrubs  had  suljsided  into  his  seat. 

"  Oh,  it  was  merely  a  business  letter — official !  A 
Fitzroyer  in  fact." 

"  All !  ■'  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  that's  the  gent  to  whom 
we're  so  much  indebted  for  reforming  our  street  cabs. 
A  real  piece  o'  useful  legislation  that,  for  the  most 
hexi^erienced  man  in  London  could  never  tell  what  a 
cab  would  cost."  Mr.  Jorrocks  then  proceeded  to  com- 
pare the  different  expense  of  town  transit,  and,  with  the 
subject  apparently  well  in  hand,  was  suddenly  done  out 
of  it  by  the  stone-professor  on  his  mentioning  the 
siibject  of  water-carriage. 

"If  geologists  are  right  in  their  conjecture,"  cut  in 
the  Professor,  "  that  this  country  has  been  di-ained  by 
large  rivers,  which  were  inhabited  by  gigantic  oviparous 
reptiles,  both  bivorous  and  caraivorous,  and  small  in- 
sectivorous mammifera,  one  may  naturally  conclude 
that  out-of-doors  gentlemen  like  you  will  often  meet 
with  rare  specimens  of  animal  antiquity." 

"No,  we  don't,"  retorted  oxu-  Master^  snappishly. 
"  When  a  man's  cuttin'  across  country  for  'ard  life,  he's 
got  summit  else  to  do  than  look  out  for  mammas. 
That's  'ow  chaps  brick  their  necks,"  added  he. 

"  True,"  jerked  in  Mr.  Muleygnibs.  "  Then  comes  the 
coronei-'s  inquest,  the  jury,  the  finding,  and  the  deodand," 
observed  the  host.  "  I  regard  the  office  of  coroner  as 
one  of  the  bulwarks  of  the  constitiition.  It  was  formerly 
held  in  great  esteem,  and  none  could  hold  it  under  the 
degree  of  knight,  third  of  Edward  the  First,  chapter 
ten,  I  think;  and  by  the  foui-teenth  of  Edward  the 
Third,  if  I  recollect  right,  chapter  eight,  no  coroner 
could  be  chosen  unless  lie  had  land  in  fee  sufficient  in 
the  same  county,  whereof  he  might  answer  to  all  manner 
of  people.  My  ancestor.  Sir  Jonathan  Muleygrubs, 
whose  portrait  you  see  up  there,"  pointing  to  a  bluff 
Harry-the-Eighth-looking  gentleman  in  a  buff  jerkin, 
with  a  red-lined  basket-handled  sword  at  his  side,  "  held 
it  for  many  years.  He  was  the  founder  of  our  family, 
and—" 


THE   TWO   PROFESSORS  411 

"  Then,  let's  drink  his  'ealth,"  interposed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks,  findintr  the  wine  did  not  circulate  half  as  fast  as 
he  could  wish.  "  A  werry  capital  cock,  and  every  way 
worthy  of  his  line ; "  saying  which  he  seized  the  decanter, 
and  filled  himself  a  bumijer.  "  I  wish  he'd  been  alive, 
I'd  have  made  him  a  member  of  our  'unt.  And  who's 
that  old  screw  with  the  beai'd  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
pointing  to  the  i:)oi'trait  next  Sir  Jonathan,  a  Roman 
senator-looking  gentlemen,  wi-apped  in  a  loose  pink  and 
white  robe. 

"  That,"  said  Mr.  Muleygrubs,  "  is  my  gi-eat  grand- 
father, an  alderman  of  London  and  a  member  of  Parlia- 
ment for  Tewkesbury." 

"I  thought  you  said  it  was  Shakespeare,"  observed 
Mr.  Jones,  somewliat  dryly. 

■■  Well,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  knowingly,  ''  that's  no 
reason  why  it  should  not  be  his  great-grandfather  too ; 
I  shoiild  say  oui*  'ost's  weiTy  like  Shakespeare,  partiklar 
about  the  'ead — and,  if  I  recollects  light,  Shakespeare 
said  simimut  about  justices  o'  the  jjeace  too." 

"  Tea  and  cofl'ee  wait  yoiu-  pleasure  in  the  drawing- 
room,"  observed  the  stiif -necked  footman,  opening  the 
door  and  entering  the  apartment  in  great  state. 

"  Cuss  your  tea  and  coffee !  "  muttered  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
buzzing  the  bottle.  "  Haven't  had  half  a  drink.  Here's 
good  8r>ort  for  to-morrow,"  said  he,  sipj>ing  his  wine. 
"  You  unt  with  us,  in  course,"  observed  lie  to  the 
professor. 

"  Oh,  indeed,  no,"  said  Professor  Girdlestone,  "  that 
is  fjuite  out  of  my  line ;  I  am  engaged  to  meet  Mr. 
Lovel  Liglitfoot.  the  eminent  geologist,  to  examine  the 
tertiary  strata  of  — " 

"  Well,  then,"'  inten-upted  Mr.  JoiTocks,  "  all  I've  got 
to  say  is,  if  you  meet  the  fox,  don't  'ead  him  :  "  saying 
which  he  drained  his  glass,  threw  down  his  najjlcin.  and 
stiiitted  out  of  the  mom,  muttering  something  aliout 
ju.stices,  jackasRCH,  and  fossil  fools. 

Tea  and  coft'ce  wcro  f>niiveiied  by  a  collision  between 
the  foot-lM)yH.  StifFiifci<  with  the  tf'a-tray  made  a 
sudden  wlieel  upon  N(j.  2  with  the  colfee-tray,  and  about 
an  equal  number  of  cups  and  saucers  were  smaslied. 
The  crash  was  groat,  but  Mulf^ygrulis'  wratli  was 
greater.  "Stiipid'-st  boggars  that  cvor  wore  seen — 
desei'^'e  a  iiK»iith  a-picce  on  th*'  tri-.nli'iill  I  ' 

"Weary  of  stat*;  without  (he  niarliiucry  of  state,"  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  gladly  took  his  (  liauilior-candle  to  retire  to 
his  twoi)enny  lioad  and  fai-thing  t.iil. 


CHAPTER   XLI 

ANOTHER  CATASTROPHE 

No  reprovincr  ni?htniare  censured  Mr.  Jorrocks  for 
over-nij^ht  indnlfjfence,  and  lie  awoke  without  the 
symptoms  of  a  headache.  His  top-boots  had  g'ot  the 
nmd  washed  otf,  and  his  red  coat  and  drab  sha^s  stood 
invitingly  at  the  bed-foot.  He  was  soon  in  them  and 
downstairs.  The  active  magistrate  was  before  him, 
however,  and  they  met  iu  the  baronial  hall. ! 

Mr.  Muleygrubs'  costume  was  very  striking.  A.  little 
brown  coat  with  filagree  buttons,  red  waistcoat,  white 
moleskins,  and  Wellington  boots  with  wash-leather 
knee-caps.  His  Britannia-metal-looking  spiirs,  with 
patent  leather  straps,  were  buckled  inside.  A  large 
breast-pin.  representing  Justice  with  her  scales,  secured 
the  ends  of  a  red-striped  white  neckcloth. 

"  Good  morning,  Mr.  Jorrocks !  "  exclaimed  our  J. P., 
with  extended  hand;  "I  fear  you've  not  slept  well,  you 
are  down  so  early ;  hope  the  bed  was  comfortable,  best 
in  the  house,  barring — " 

"  Oh.  quite  comfey,  thank  ye,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks  ; 
"  only  I  have  had  as  much  of  it  as  I  want,  and  thought 
I'd  have  a  turn  round  your  place  afore  breakfast.  It 
seems  a  werry  fine  momin'." 

"  Beautiful  morning,"  replied  Mr.  Marmaduke. 

"  '  There  is  a  freshness  in  the  momin'  hair, 

And  life,  what  bloated  ease  can  never  'ope  to  share  ; '  " 

replied  Mr.  Jorrocks.     "  Let's  have  a  look  at  your  stud." 

They  then  got  their  hats.  First  they  Avent  to  the 
stable,  then  to  the  cow-bier,  next  to  the  i)ig-sty,  and 
looked  into  the  hen-house. 

"  You  haven't  a  peacock,  have  ye  ? "  inquired  Mr. 
Jorrocks. 

"  No,"  replied  Mr.  Muleygrubs. 

"  Wonders  at  that — finest  birds  possible  ;  my  Jixnks  is 
as  wise  as  most  Christiiins.  A  peacock  on  each  of  those 
towers  would  look  noble,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  turning 
to  the  castle  as  they  sauntered  along  the  garden. 


ANOTHER   CATASTROPHE  413 

Two  or  three  men  in  blue  trousers  were  digging  away ; 
hut  a  garden  in  winter  being  an  uninteresting  object, 
Ml*.  Muleygi-uhs  merely  passed  through  it  (by  the 
longest  way,  of  course),  and  striking  into  a  gravel  walk 
by  the  side  of  the  sluggish  stream,  made  a  detour,  and 
got  upon  the  carriage  road.  Here  they  suddenly  came 
upon  two  mechanic-looking  men  in  white  aprons  and 
paper  caps. 

'■  Holloa,  there,  you  sirs !  where  are  you  going  ? " 
exclaimed  Mr.  Muleygi-ubs. 

"Poor  men  out  of  work,  sir,"  replied  the  foremost, 
touching  his  cap.  "  Weavers,  your  honom- — been  out  of 
work  all  the  AvLnter." 

"  Poor  fellows  I "  said  Mr.  Mvdeygrubs,  soothingly. 

"  Tioxe,  I  assm-e  yoii,  your  honour,"  rejoined  the  other. 
"  My  comrade's  wife's  just  lying-in  of  her  tenth  child, 
and  I've  a  wife  and  six  bairn.s  all  lying  ill  of  the  fever." 

"  Poor  feUows !  "  repeated  Muleygrubs  again.  "  Ton 
don't  look  like  common  l^eggars— S.  Vs.,  sturdy  vagrants 
— I.  R.,  incorrigible  rogues.' 

"  Necessity's  driv  us  to  it,  yer  honom- — never  begged 
afore." 

"  You'd  work  if  you  could  get  it,  I  dare  say,"  continued 
the  J. P.,  in  the  same  consoling  strain. 

"  Oh,  that  we  would,  yer  honour !  "  exclaimed  both. 
Mr.  Muleygrubs  smiled,  f<jr  he  had  them. 

"  Come  along,  then,"  said  he,  leading  the  way  to  a  heap 
of  stones  by  the  side  of  the  carriage-road.  "Now,"  he 
said,  slowly  and  soloinnly,  "  mark  what  I  say.  I  am  a 
justice  of  tlie  peace  of  our  sovereign  lady  the  Queen, 
charged  with  the  preservation  of  the  jieace  and  the 
execution  of  the  laws  of  this  great  kingdom— hem !  " 
(The  men  looked  l>lank.)  "  There  is  an  hact  called  the 
Vagrant  Hact,"  continued  Mi-.  Muleygrubs,  "  wliich 
declares  tliat  all  persons  who,  being  abl<^  to  work  and 
thereby  juaintain  themselves  and  their  families,  shall 
wilfully  refuse  or  neglect  so  to  do,  shall  ])e  deeuKMl 
rogues  and  vagalx)iids,  within  the  true  intent  and 
meaning  of  the  hact,  and  juay  be  coniniittod  to  hard 
labijur  in  the  house  of  correcticm— hem  !-  Now,  gentle- 
men," said  he,  "th(;re  arr;  two  lieajis  of  stones,  hard  and 
soft,  you  are  botli  out  of  work — there  are  two  hanuuers, 
and  when  jy^ou  have  broken  th<;8e  stones,  my  bailiff  will 
measure  them  ofF  and  pay  you  for  tln'in.  and  thuH  you 
will  get  emijloymcnt,  and  save  a  trip  to  the  mill.  Take 
the  hammers  and  set  U)  work." 


414 


HANDLEY   CEOSS 


"Down  upon  tlieni,!  think,"  clinckled Mr.  Muleyprviibs 
to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  they  returned  to  the  house.  "  Tliat's 
one  of  the  few  pulls  we  magistrates  have — I  keep  my 
avenue  in  repair  and  my  walks  weeded  by  the  vagrants." 

•'  But  not  for  nothin'  ? "  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
inquiringly. 


PA-A-R   SHOOTS   THE    FOX 


"  Oh,  yes— they  never  work  long — generally  sneak  ofi: 
at  the  end  of  an  horn-  or  two,  forfeiting  what  they've 
done.  All  these  heaps,"  pointing  to  sundry  heaps  of 
stones  among  the  trees,  "  have  been  broken  by  beggars. 
Shall  be  able  to  sell  some  to  the  surveyors  this  year. 
Working  beggars,  and  employing  the  new  police  about 
one's  place  occasionally  are  really  the  only  pulls  we 
justices  have." 


ANOTHBK   CATASTROPHE  415 

"Dress  the  poliss  up  as  flunkeys,  I  s'pose/' observed 
Mr.  JoiTocks. 

"  Just  so,"  replied  Mr.  Muleygi-ubs,  "  or  work  them  in 
the  g-arden.  It's  by  far  the  best  way  of  disposing  of  the 
force,"  continued  Mr.  Muleygrubs;  "for  you  see.  in  a 
thinly  populated  district,  where  each  man  has  a  con- 
siderable range,  you  never  know  where  to  lay  hands  on  a 
policeman,  whereas,  about  here,  they  know  they  have 
only  to  send  to  his  worship's  to  get  one  directly." 

"  No  doubt  it  is,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  adding,  aloud 
to  himself,  as  the  bearings  of  the  case  crossed  his  mind, 
■'  and  the  best  thing  for  the  thief  too.  Wonders  now  if 
the  Ijeggar  would  let  one  make  earth-stoppers  on  them 
—stop  the  thief  o'  the  world." 

In  the  present  instance  the  police  were  not  of  much 
avail,  for  the  weavers,  having  seen  the  justice  into  his 
castle,  pocketed  the  hammer-heads  and  cut  their 
sticks. 

Among  the  group  who  stood  in  the  baronial  hall 
waiting  Mr.  Muleygiiibs'  return  was  Mr.  Macpherson, 
the  wily  churchwarden  of  the  neighbouring  parish. 
"  Taken  the  liberty  of  calling  upon  you  to  request  your 
countenance  to  a  subscription  for  rei)airiug  our  organ," 
said  he. 

"  Confound  your  subscriptions ! "  interrupted  the 
.lustice— "  my  hand's  never  out  of  my  pocket.  Why  do 
you  all  come  to  me  ?  " 

"  We  always  go  to  the  peoi)le  of  the  first  consequence 
first, '  replied  the  churchwarden,  in  a  tone  more  directed 
to  Mr.  Jorrocks  than  to  Mr.  Muleygrubs. 

"  Veiy  kind  <,i  you,"  replied  he,  satirically—"  kind  and 
considerate  both." 

_    ''  The  example  of  gentlemen  in  high  stations  has  great 
influence,'  replied  Mr.  Macpherson. 

];  Then  why  not  go  to  Sir  Harry  Martin  ?  " 

"  Because  you  are  the  largest  landowner  in  the  parish," 
replied  the  Scotchman,  in  the  same  "talk-at-liim  "  tone 
as  before. 

Tills  was  a  clencher— i)roclaimed  in  his  own  baronial 
hall.  HI  the  j>re8ence  of  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  the  greatest  man 
:in<l  hirgest  landowner  in  the  jiai-i.sh,  was  something. 

'■  Well,"  said  lie,  witli  a  rela.\ing  brow,  "  j)ut  me  down 
for  a  couiile  of  guineas." 

"  Thank  you  kindly."  replied  Mr.  Macpherson,  taking 
a  horn  inkstand  out  of  his  pocket,  and  writing  the  name 
Mainiaduke  Muleygrubs,  Esq.,  J.P.,  £2  28.,  at  the  head 
ot  the  lubt  coluuai. 


•IK)  HANDLEY   CROSS 

"  You'd  like  it  put  in  the  papers,  I  suppose  P  "  observed 
Mr.  Macpherson. 

■'  Papers  !  to  be  sure! "  replied  Mr.  Muleyj^rubs,  ruffled 
at  the  question;  "  what's  the  use  of  my  givinj?  if  it  isn't 
put  in  the  papers  ?  " 

A  Jew  picture-dealer  next  claimed  the  justice's  ear. 
He  had  a  kit  cat  of  a  grim-visaf;"ed  warrior,  with  a  lace- 
collar,  and  his  hand  resting  on  a  basket-handled  sword. 

"  Got  a  match  for  youi-  dining-room  por " 

"  I'll  speak  to  you  after ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Muleygrubs, 
hastily  pushing  the  purveyor  of  ancestors  aside,  and 
di'awing  Mr.  Jorrocks  onward  to  the  bi-eakf  ast-room. 

There  was  a  gre;it  sjjread  in  the  way  of  breakfast,  at 
least  a  great  length  of  table  down  the  room.  A  regiment 
of  tea-cups  occupied  one  end  of  the  table,  coffee-cups  the 
other,  and  the  cold  game-pie  was  in  the  middle.  Four 
loaves,  two  of  white  and  two  of  brown  bread,  guarded 
the  corners,  and  there  were  two  butter-boats  and  four 
plates  of  jelly  and  j^reserve. 

"  Come,  there's  plenty  to  eat,  at  all  ewents,"  obseiwed 
Mr.  Jorrocks  aloud  to  himself,  as  he  advanced  to  greet 
Mrs.  Muleygrubs,  and  give  the  little  Muleygrubs  the 
morning  chuck  under  the  chin.  "  S'pose  you've  a  party 
comin'  tbis  momin',"  continued  he,  looking  at  the  cups, 
and  then  pulling  out  his  watch ;  '"  five  minutes  to  ten  by 
' Andley  Cross,"  said  he :  "  'ounds  will  be  here  in  twenty 
minutes — Pigg's  werry  imnctual." 

Mrs.  Muleygrubs  said,  "That  being  a  county  family, 
they  wished  to  make  themselves  popular,  and  would  give 
a  jiublic  breakfast  to  the  Hunt." 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  said,  '"  Nothin'  could  be  more  proper." 


Five  minutes  elapsed,  and  he  looked  again  at  his 
watch,*  observing,  "  that  the  'ounds  would  be  there  in 
a  quarter  of  an  hour." 

"  Hadn't  we  better  be  doiu',  think  ye  ? "  asked  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  imjjatiently,  as  Mr.  Muleygrubs  entered  the 
room  after  his  deal  for  the  ancestor;  "  'ounds  '11  be  here 
in  no  time." 

"I  suppose  there's  no  great  hurry,"  observed  Mr. 
Muleygrubs,  carelessly. 

'■  'Deed  but  there  is,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTocks ;  "  punctu- 

*  Reader,  if  you  are  a  non-fox-hunting  housekeeper,  and  ever  enter- 
tain fox-huuters,  never  let  them  wait  for  thoir  breakfasts.  The  most 
sumptuous  repa.-5t  will  not  compeusatc  lor  the  loss  of  ten  minutes,  or 
even  five,  at  this  time  of  day. 


^ 


1 


1 


ANOTHER   CATASTROPHE  417 

ality  is  the   purliteness  o'  princes,  and  I  doesn't  like 
keepiu"  people  waitin'." 

"  Well,  tlien,"  said  Mr.  Muleygrubs,  "  we'll  ring  for  the 
urn." 


In  it  came,  hissing,  for  the  footmen  wanted  to  be  off 
to  the  himt. 

Dry-toast,  Inittered-toast,  muffins,  twists,  rolls,  &c., 
were  scattered  down  the  table,  and  two  stands  of  eggs 
flanked  the  cold  game-pie  in  the  centre. 

There  is  no  greater  nuisance  than  making  a  feast  and 
no  one  coming  to  eat  it,— even  Gog  and  old  Magog  com- 
plained when  William  the  Foui-th  disappointed  the 
guzzlers  in  Guildhall:  — 

*•  Said  Gog  to  old  Magog,  '  Why,  fury  and  thunder ! 
There  surely  is  some  unaccountable  blunder,'  "  Ac. 

In  vain  Mr.  Maraiaduke  played  with  his  breakfast, 
•ind  jjretended  to  enjoy  everything.  His  eye  kept  wan- 
dering to  the  window  in  hopes  of  seeing  some  one,  even 
"".he  most  unwelcouie  of  his  friends,  cast  up.  Still  no  one 
a-rived,  and  the  stiff-necked  boy  sat  in  the  baronial  hall 
tvithout  being  summoned  to  open  the  doors.  A  group 
of  children  first  ventured  to  enter  the  forbidden  field  in 
front  of  the  Justice's,  emboldened  by  a  mole-catcher, 
who  was  combining  busmess  with  pleasure.  A  boy  on  a 
pony  next  aiTived,  and  was  the  ol)ject  of  attenti(m  until 
two  grooms  appf^ared,  and  began  to  fuss  about  the  stir- 
rups, and  rub  their  horses  down  with  handkerchiefs. 
Presently  more  arrived ;  then  came  more  ponies,  then  a 
few  farmers,  and  at  last  a  red-coat,  to  tlio  delight  of  the 
youngsters,  wIk)  eyed  the  wearer  with  tlie  greatest  rever- 
ence. Meanwhile  Mr.  Jorrocks  worked  away  at  his 
breakfast,  first  at  tlie  solids,  then  at  the  sweets,  diver- 
sified with  a  drant^'ht  at  tlie  fluids. 

Four  red-coated  gentry  came  cantering  into  the  field, 
smoking  and  (shattering  like  magpies.  Out  rushed  the 
figure  footman  to  enlist  tiiem  Un-  the  breakfast,  but 
tlie  hard-iiearted  mortals  ask  for  cherry-brandy  outside. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  looked  at  his  wat^h,  and  the  children  raise 
a  cry  of  "  Here  they  come!  "  as  James  Pitrg  iind  Benja- 
min were  seen  rounding  a  belt  of  trees,  with  the  hounds 
clustered  at  Pigg'H  iioise's  heels,  while  a  Handley  Cross 
helper  on  Mr.  Jorrocks's  horfic  assisted  to  whij)  in.  As 
they  come  tow.-irds  tlie  front,  up  goes  the  window,  and 
Mrs.  Muleygrubs  and  the  cliildren  rush  to  the  view. 

E  c 


118  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Pleased  with  the  sight,  Mr.  Mnleygrnbs  desired  the 
foot-bo}^  to  give  the  men  a  ghiss  of  claret  a-piece. 

"Thank  ye,  no  !'"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks;  "I'll  give 
them  a  seidlitz  j^ooder  a-piece  when  they  gets  'ome." 

'■  Do  yon  love  yonr  huntsman,  Mr.  Jonnocks  ?  "  asked 
Magdalene  Margery,  who  was  now  a  candidate  for  the 
great  man's  favom*. 

"  I  loves  every Vjody,  more  or  less,  my  little  dear," 
replied  onr  Master,  patting  her  plaistered  head. 

"  Well,  hut  would  yon  kith  him  ?  "  demanded  Victoria 
Jemima. 

"  Would  you  pay  for  his  shoes  P "  asked  Albert 
Erasmus,  who  sported  a  new  pair  himself. 

"He  wears  bouts,  my  dear,"  replied  our  ready  friend. 

"  Do  you  hunt  well,  Mr.  Jonnocks  ? — Are  you  a  good 
hunter  ?"  asked  Master  Memnon. 

"  Capital,  my  dear ! — best  in  England  !  "  replied  our 
Master. 

"  Why  don't  you  shoot  the  fox,  Mr.  Jonnocks  P  "  now 
demanded  Darius,  astonished  at  the  size  and  number  of 
the  pack.  "  P-a-a-r  shoots  the  fox,"  added  he,  in  a  loud 
tone  of  confident  superiority. 

"  Nonsense,  Darius  !  nothin'  of  the  soi't !  "  exclaimed 
the  guilty  Muleygrubs. 

"  Ton  d-o-o-o,"  drawled  Darius,  eyeing  his  parent  with 
a  reproving  scowl. 

"  Hush  !  you  foolish  l>oy !  "  stamped  Marmaduke,  look- 
ing as  if  he  would  eat  him. 

"  Be  blind  to  say  he  does,"  grunted  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
aloud  to  himself,  with  a  knowing  jerk  of  his  head. 

"  Bless  us  !  what  a  many  dogs  you  have !  "  exclaimed 
Mr.  Muleygrubs,  anxious  to  turn  the  conversation. 

"  'Guilds  !  if  you  please,"  replied  our  master. 

"Well,  hounds!''  asijirated  Mr.  Muleygrubs.  as  if 
correcting  Mr.  Jorrocks's  pronunciation.  "  Is  it  possible 
you  know  all  tlieir  names  P  " 

'■  Quite  i)os8ible,"  rejilied  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  making  for  the 
window  that  had  just  been  opened. 

Giving  one  of  his  well-known  shrill  gallery  whistles, 
the  pack  caught  sight  of  their  master,  and  breaking 
away,  dash  through  the  windows,  demolishing  the  glass, 
upsetting  the  cliildren,  and  seizing  all  the  dainties  left 
on  the  breakfast-table  of  Cockolorum  Castle. 

Mr.  Muleygrubs  was  knocked  under  the  table,  Mrs. 
Muleygrubs  and  all  the  little  Muleygnibs  hun-ied  out, 
and  the  stiff-necked  foot-boy  had  a  chase  after  Pi-iestess, 
who  ran  off  with  the  cold  reindeer  tongue.     Three  or 


ANOTHER   CATASTROPHE  419 

four  hounds  worried  the  pie.  and  Rava^er — steady  old 
Ravagei — charged  throiif^h  the  coffee-cups  to  get  at  the 
rolls.    Altogether,  there  was  a  terrible  crash. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  bolted  out  of  the  window,  and,  by  dint 
of  whooping  and  holloaing,  aided  by  the  foot-boy's 
endeavours,  succeeded  in  drawing  ofB  the  delinquents, 
and  sending  Ben  in  for  his  cap,  desii-ed  him  to  apologize 
for  not  returning  to  bid  his  hostess  adieu,  on  the  ])lea 
that  the  hounds  would  be  sure  to  follow  him. 

The  commotion  was  not  confined  to  the  house,  and 
Ethelred  the  gardener's  nerves  were  so  shook,  that  he 
forgot  whei'e  to  enlarge  the  bag-fox,  which  he  did  so 
clumsily,  that  the  animal,  as  if  in  revenge,  made  straight 
for  his  garden,  followed  by  Jorrocks,  and  the  whole 
train-band  lx)ld,  who  made  desperate  havoc  among  the 
broccoli  and  winter  cabbages.  The  poor,  confused,  half- 
smothei'ed  brute  took  refuge  up  the  flue,  from  whence 
Ijeing  at  length  ejected,  our  "  indifferent  man  about 
blood"  celebrated  his  obsequies  with  "ten  miles  straight 
on  end"  honours.  He  then  made  a  show  of  drawing 
again,  but  as  "  P-a-a-r  shoots  the  fox,"  we  need  not  state 
the  result. 


CHAPTER  XLII 

THE  GREAT   MR.   PRBTTYFAT 

Mr.  Jorrocks's  introduction  to  the  "  old  customer  " 
originated  in  a  very  bumptious,  wide-margined  letter 
from  the  great  Mr.  Prettyfat,  deputy  surveyor  of  the 
wretched  forest  of  Pinch-me-near.  Luckily  it  was  a 
royal  forest,  for  it  would  have  ruined  anyone  else.  It 
had  long  been  "  administered "  by  Mr.  Prettyfat. 
formerly  butler  to  the  great  Lord  Foliage,  when  that 
nobleman  was  at  the  head  of  the  Woods  and  Forests ; 
and  twenty  years  had  not  diminished  the  stock  of 
ignorance  with  which  Prettyfat  entered  upon  the  duties 
of  his  office.  He  had,  however,  forgotten  all  about 
"  napkins,"  and  was  now  a  most  impoi'tant  stately 
stomached  personage,  with  royal  buttons  on  a  bright 
blue  coat.  It  was  always  "  her  Majesty  and  I,"  or  I  will 
consult  with  her  Majesty's  Ministers,"  or  "my  Lord's 
Commissioners  of  her  Majesty's  Treasury  and  I  think 
there  should  be  a  new  hinge  to  the  low  gate,"  or  "the 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury  and  I  differ  about  cutting 
down  the  shaken  oaks  on  the  North-east  Dean,  as  I 
think  they  will  recover."  Indeed,  he  would  sometimes 
darkly  hint  that  her  Majesty  was  likely  to  pay  him  a 
visit  to  inspect  his  Cochin  China  and  Dorking  foAvls,  for 
which  he  was  justly  famous. 

Now  the  foxes,  with  their  usual  want  of  manners, 
liad  presumed  upon  the  royal  forest  poultry,  and  though 
Prettyfat  had  succeeded  in  trapping  a  good  many  of 
them,  there  Avas  one  audacious  old  varmint  that  seemed 
proof,  as  well  against  steel,  as  against  the  more  deadly 
contents  of  his  blunderbuss  barrels.  Prettyfat  could 
neither  catch  him  nor  hit  him.  The  oftener  he  blazed 
at  him,  the  more  inixnident  the  fox  seemed  to  become, 
and  the  greater  j)leasure  he  seemed  to  take  in  destruction, 
generally  killing  half-a-dozen  more  fowls  than  he  carried 
away.  Prettyfat  tlien  tried  poison,  but  only  succeeded 
in  killing  his  own  cat.  At  length  he  was  fairly  at  his 
wits'  end.  In  this  dilemma,  it  occurred  to  him  that 
Jorrocks  was  the  projier  person  to  apply  to,  and  hearing 


THE   GREAT   MK.   PRETTYFAT  421 

that  he  was  a  prrocer  in  the  City,  who  took  a  subscription 
to  his  hounds  in  the  country,  he  concluded  Jorrocks  was 
a  better  sort  of  rat-catcher,  who  they  niisrht  employ  by 
the  day.  month,  or  year,  so  with  the  usual  contempt  of 
low  people  for  those  who  make  money,  he  concocted 
the  foUowintr  foolscapped  slieet  of  impertinence,  which 
he  directed  "  On  her  Majesty's  Service,"  and  sealed 
with  royal  butter-pat  sized  arms  : — 

"PlNCH-ME-NEAE  FOREST  HOURE. 

"  Sir, 
"I  am  directed  by  the  Risrht  Honourable  the 
Commissioner  in  charge  of  her  Majesty's  Woods  and 
Forests  to  desire  that  you  will  inform  me,  for  the 
information  of  the  Rifrht  Honourable  the  Lords  Com- 
missioners of  her  Majesty's  Treasury,  what  will  you 
undertake  to  exterminate  the  foxes  in  the  Royal  Forest 
of  Pinch-me-near  for?  Their  ravages  have  been  very 
detrimental  to  tlie  growth  of  naval  timber,  for  which 
jjurpose  alone  these  royal  propei-ties  are  retained. 

"  You  will,  therefore,  please  to  inform  me, — 

*'  Ist.  Wliat  you  will  undertake  to  keep  the  foxes 

down  for  by  the  year ; 
"2ndly.  What  you  will  undertake  to  catch  them  at 
per  head. 
So  that  the  Riglit  Honourable  the  Commissioner  in 
charge  of  her  Majesty's  Woods  and  Forests  inay  be 
enabled  to  give  the  Right  Honourable  the  Lords  Com- 
missioners of  lier  Majesty's  Treasury  their  choice  as  to 
the  mode  of  proceeding. 

"  1  am,  Sir, 

"  Your  most  obedient  Servant, 

"John  Prettyfat, 

"To  Mb.  Joi:eockh,  '*  Deputy  Surveyor. 

"Haudley  CrosH  8pn." 

To  which  Mr.  Jorrocks,  after  a  little  inquiry,  replied 

as  follows  :— 

"  Diana  Lougb,  Bandlkt  Ccosk. 

"Dkae  Prettyfat, 

"  Yours  to  hand,  and  not>e  the  contents.  1  shall  he 
most  'apjjy  to  do  my  noHsible  in  the  way  of  piuiishin' 
the  foxes  without  any  bother  with  your  peerage  swells, 
who  would  only  waste  the  season,  and  a  great  d<;al  of 
good  letter  paper  in  needless  correspondence.    Life's  too 


422  HANDLEY   CROSS 

short,  to  enter  into  a  correspondence  witli  a  great  official ; 
but  as  they  tells  me  it  is  a  most  fripbtful  begg'arly  sort 
o'  country,  to  wliicli  none  of  the  water-drinkers  here 
would  go,  I  must  just  dust  the  foxes'  jackets  with  a  shoi-t 
pack  on  bye  days,  which  will  enable  me  to  begin  as  soon 
as  ever  yon  like  in  a  mornin',  which,  ai-ter  all  is  said  and 
done,  is  the  leal  time  for  makin'  them  (!ry  '  Capevi ! '  I 
does  it  all  for  the  love  o'  the  thing,  but  if  there  are 
any  earths,  I  shall  be  obliged  by  your  stojjpin'  them. 
Don't  stoi)  'em  in,  mind,  or  I'll  have  to  inform  the  Right 
Honourable  the  Commissioner  in  charge  of  her  Majesty's 
Woods  and  Forests,  for  the  information  of  the  Right 
Honourable  the  Lords  Commissioners  of  her  Majesty's 
Treasury.     So  no  more  at  present  from 

"  Tours  to  serve, 

"  John  Jorrocks. 

"To  John  Pketttfat,  E.sq., 
"  Deputy  Surveyui-, 
"  Pinch-me-uear  Forest  House." 

And  there  we  will  leave  Mi-.  Prettyfat  for  the  present, 
in  order  to  introduce  another  gentleman. 


CHAPTER  XLIII 

M.F.H.   BUGGINSON 

Now  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  baseman,  Bugginson,  or  "  repre- 
sentative," as  be  calls  himself,  bad,  since  bis  master's 
elevation  to  tbe  fox-bunting  throne,  affected  the  sports- 
man a  good  deal,  dressing  in  ciit-awny  coats,  corduroy 
trousers,  and  sometimes  even  going  so  far  as  gosling- 
green  cords  and  very  dark  tops,  and  talking  about  our 
'ounds,  our  country,  and  so  on ;  and  this  great  swell 
strayed  incautiously,  at  half-cock  (for  it  was  after 
luncheon),  into  Mr.  Chaffey's  repository  at  Muddles- 
worth,  in  company  with  a  couple  of  local  swells,  when, 
as  bad  luck  would  have  it,  tlie  worthy  auctioneer  was 
dispersing  tbe  "  splendid  hunting  esta])lishment  "  of  Sir 
Guy  Spanker,  under  a  writ  of  execution  from  the 
Sheriff  of  Fleetsbire.  He  had  got  through  the  valuable 
collection  of  screws,  and  was  just  putting  up  the  first 
lot  of  hounds,  ten  couple  of  dogs,  in  the  usual  flourishing 
style  of  the  brotherhorxl,  I^eginning  at  an  outrageous 
price  and  gradually  getting  down-stairs  to  a  moderate 
one.  when  booted  Bugginson  and  Co.  entered. 

"  What  will  any  geu'leniiin  give  for  tliis  superb  lot  of 
hounds!'"  demanded  Chaffey,  throwing  his  voice  to- 
wards Bugginson,  "  what  will  any  gen'lenian  give  for 
this  superb  lot  of  hounds,  unmatched  and  unnuitch- 
able  ?  " 

"  Doubt  that,"  winked  Biigginscm  to  Jim  Breeze,  one 
of  bis  chums,  intimating  tiiat  lie  thougiit  "  theirs  "  were 
l>fitt^r. 

'■  Wliat  will  any  gen'leman  give?"  repeated  tbe 
auctioneer,  flourisiiing  his  little  hammer,  "  live 'underd 
guineas  —will  any  gen'leman  give  five  undenl  guineas 
for  theui  ?  "  asked  lie  hastily,  as  if  expecting  them  to  be 
Hnai)ped  up  in  a  moment. 

"  Four  'underd  guineas  ! 

"  Three  'underd  guineas  ! 

"  Two  'underd  guinciis  ! 

"  One 'underd  guinciiH  ! 

"Will  any  gen'leman  gi'.<'  a  "iindi'nJ  guiiK.-iia  f<^r  this 


424. 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


splendid  lot  of  dog-lionndr;— the  fleetest,  the  stoutest, 
the  gamest  hounds  in  Eufrland  ?  No  gen'leninu  ^ive 
one  'underd  t,'uineii,s  for  tliem  !  "  exclaimed  he,  in  a  tone 
of  reproach.  Then  apparently  recovering  his  uiortitica- 
tion,  he  proceeded, — 

"  Fifty  pfuineas ! 

"  Forty  o'uineas ! 

"  Thirty ! 


MB.    BUGGINSON's   BID 


"  Ten  !  Will  any  gen'leman  give  ten  guineas  ? "  in- 
quired he. 

"  Shillings !  "  exclaimed  Bugginson,  knowingly,  knock- 
ing off  the  end  of  his  cigar. 

"  Thank'e,  sir !  "  exclaimed  the  auctioneer,  glad  of  an 
offer. 

Bugginson  felt  foolish.  He  wished  he  "  hadn't ";  still 
he  thought  there  was  no  chance  of  their  going  for  that. 
Ghaffey  hurried  on. 


M.F.H.  BUOaiNSON  425 

"  Ten  sliilliu's  is  only  bid !— any  advance  on  ten 
shillin's  ?— going  for  ten  shillin's— anybody  give  more 
than  ten  shillin's  1  can't  dwell !  must  be  sold— only  ten 
shillin's  bid— third  and  last  time  for  ten  shillin's.  goin' 
(tap),  gone." 

"  Going  (tap),  gone  !  "  Ominous  words  !  What  a 
thrill  they  send  through  one's  frame.  "  Going  (tap) 
gone."  Oh,  dear,  who  shall  describe  the  feelings  of  poor 
swaggering  Bugginson  thus  let  in  for  ten  couple  of 
hungry-loolviug  hounds— four  or  five  and  twenty  inch 
dogs !— Bugginson,  who  had  never  had  to  do  with  a  dog 
of  any  sort  in  his  life,  suddenly  becoming  the  owner  of  a 
pack  of  hounds— an  M.F.H.  like  his  master.  "  M.F.H. 
Bugginson  presents  his  compliments  to  M.F.H.  Jor- 
n.icks,"  &c. 

"  Deuced  cheap,"  "  dog  cheap  !  "  exclaimed  his  now 
exalted  companions. 

■■  Very,"  simpered  Bugginson,  wishing  he  was  well  out 
of  them. 

'■  Where  to,  yer  'oner  ? "  now  demanded  a  ragged 
Irishman,  wlio  had  seized  the  great  bunch  of  dogs  from 
the  man  of  the  yard  as  they  came  from  the  rostrum. 

"  Stop."  muttered  the  man  of  the  yard,  "the  gen'l'man 
'ill  be  buyin'  some  more." 

"  Will  he  ?  "  thought  Bugginson,  eyeing  the  unruly  lot 
f)ulling  away  in  all  directions,  adding  to  himself.  "  Catch 
me  at  that  game  again." 

"  Take  tliem  to  the  '  Salutation,'  "  said  Bugginson 
pompously,  "  and  tell  the  ostler  to  put  them  into  a 
stable." 

"  Half-a-croon."  yer  'oner!  "  demanded  the  man. 

"  Half-a-crown  ! "  retorted  Bugginson,  "  why,  I  only 
gave  ten  shillin's  for  the  lot." 

"  So  much  tlie  better!  Sure,  then,  yer  'oner  can  afford 
to  pay  me  lil>eral  and  bountiful." 

"  But  half-a-crown's  out  of  all  reason,"'  retorted  Bug- 
ginson, angrily ;  "  why,  it's  not  fifty  yards,"  shortening 
the  distance  one  half. 

"  Raison  or  no  raison,'' replied  Pat,  "  I'll  not  take  them 
for  less  ;  "  and  Bugginson.  seeing  l)y  the  desperate  nish 
some  of  the  hounds  made  to  get  at  a  buncli  of  comrades 
now  coming  to  the  hammer,  that  he  could  do  nothing 
with  them  himself,  was  obliged  to  submit  to  the  ex- 
tortionate demand. 

Tliongh  BiigiriiiHon  was  too  knowing  a  hand  to  exhibit 
symptoms  of  mortificiition  at  tlie  mess  his  swagger  had 
got  liini  into,  he  was  not  to  be  persuaded  into  bidding 


426  HANDI-EY   CROSS 

for  any  more;  and  in  vain  Mr.  (Jliail'ey  expatiated  on 
the  merits  of  the  next  lots,  intimating;  his  opinion  that 
Bu'jffjinson  ouuht  at  leiist  to  m;ike  up  his  twenty  couple. 

Busjffiuson  simpered,  eliucked  up  his  chin,  haw-haw'd, 
and  thanked  him,  but  was  "only  making'  up  his  num- 
ber"; and  having  remained  sufficiently  long  to  look  as 
if  he  was  quite  unconcerned,  he  repaii'ed  to  his  hotel, 
to  take  another  look  at  the  animals,  which  he  thonght 
of  turning  loose  upon  the  town  during  the  night,  when 
an  unfinished  letter  to  his  master — we  beg  pardon,  liis 
"  principal " — stating  who  he  had  seen,  who  he  had 
"drawn,"  who  he  had  been  told  was  "respectable,"  and 
who  the  reverse,  caused  him  to  alter  his  plans,  and  to 
add  a  P.S.,  saying  he  hoped  Mr.  Jorrocks  would  allow  him 
to  offer  him  a  Christmas-box,  in  the  shape  of  ten  couple 
of  very  fine  fox-hounds,  late  the  property  of  Sir  Guy 
Spanker,  Baronet,  which  he  had  had  the  good  fortune 
to  meet  witii,  and  which  he  would  forward  by  the  9.30 
a.m.  luggage  train,  with  directions  to  be  passed  on  to 
the  Lily-white-sand  Line,  by  the  11.20. 

"  Con-found  all  presents  wot  eat ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, on  reading  the  announcement.  "  Con-found  all 
presents  wot  eat ! "  i-epeated  he,  with  a  lieaiiy  slap 
of  his  thigh.  At  first  he  was  half  inclined  to  work  the 
wires,  and  bid  Bugginsou  keep  them  himself.  On  second 
thoughts,  however,  he  recollected  that  rope  was  cheap 
enough,  and  as  he  was  drawing  some  of  his  hounds  rather 
tine  (being  desperately  addicted  to  bye-days),  with  the 
Pinch-me-near  proposal  in  hand,  he  thought  they  might 
be  w^orth  looking  at,  perhaps.  Accordingly,  he  despatched 
Pigg  to  the  station,  who  in  due  time  arrived  with  what 
James  called  "  a  cannyish  lot  o'  hunds,  only  they  hadn't 
gettenne  neames,"  names  being  a  thing  Bugginson  never 
thought  of  asking  for,  or  the  Sheriff  of  Fleetshire  of 
siipplying.  In  truth,  they  looked  better  than  they  were; 
for,  like  most  first  lots  at  a  sale,  they  were  anything  but 
the  pick  of  the  pack.  There  were  skirters,  mute  runners, 
and  noisy  ones,  besides  a  few  worn-out  old  devils,  that 
could  evidently  do  nothing  but  eat.  These  Jorrocks  con- 
demned without  a  hearing,  and  so  reduced  the  lot  to 
eight  couple.  Mr.  Jorrocks  told  Pigg  they  were  a  draft 
from  the  Quorn.  with  a  good  deal  of  the  Trueman  blood 
in  them ;  and  tliough  James  did  say  he  was  "  warned 
they'd  be  good  for  nout,  or  they  wadn't  ha'  parted  with 
them  at  that  time  of  year,"  still  the  announcement  had 
a  very  favourable  effect  in  ingratiating  them  in  Piggs 
favour.     Thus    reinforced,    Mr.    JoiTOcks   ventured    to 


M.F.H.  BUGGINSON  427 

broach  the  subject  of  another  bye-day,  against  which 
Pigor  had  kitely  been  protesting,  vowing  that  JoiTOcks 
would  have  both  '"  busses  and  huuds  worked  off  their 
legs  afore  he  knew  where  he  was."  To  our  Master's 
surprise,  Pigg  didn't  make  any  olijection  to  the  forest. 

"  \Vy,  wy,  sir,'"  replied  James,  scratching  his  head  and 
turning  his  quid. ''  it  winna  be  a  bad  place,  ar  dinna  think." 

"  Vot,  you  know  it,  do  you  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"Why  now,  ar  canna  say  as  how  ar  ken  this  forest, 
but  ar  kens  what  a  forest  is  weal  enough,  and  this  '11  be 
gay  like  arle  others,  ar's  warned." 

"  All  bog  and  bother,"  suggested  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"Arle  bog  and  bother,  no!  what  should  put  that  i' 
yer  head  ?  " 

Mr.  JoiTOcks. — "  They  tell  me  this  one  is — " 

Pigg. — ''It  winna  be  like  wors,  then.  When  canny 
ard  Lambton  hunted  our  country,  arve  been  i'  Chopwell 
wiles,  and  the  rides  were  jest  like  race-coourses." 

Mr.  Jorrocks  (in  astonishment). — "  You  don't  say  so ! 
That'll  be  a  well-kept  place,  then,  with  gi-eat  trees 
growin'  as  they  ought  ?  " 

Pigg. — "Deil  a  bit!  Deil  a  bit!  The  rides  was  arle 
they  minded.  The  man  o'  tlie  woods  gat  the  grass  for 
his  cows,  and  so  he  kept  the  rides  ven-a  canny.  The 
woods  was  just  like  bad  niu'sery  gninds — nothin'  but 
switches.  They  tell  me,"  continued  Pigg,  "sin  ar 
come'd  away,  that  they've  had  the  'Marican  reapin' 
machine  at  work,  mowin'  them  down."' 

"  You  don't  say  so !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  wot  an 
age  of  impi-u\'nient  this  is ! " 

"Aye,"  continued  Pigg,  turning  his  quid,  "and  now 
they're  gannin'  to  growin'  a  crop  o'  ptni-sticks  on  the 
same  gnind." 

"  I  wish  tliey'd  grow  faggot-sticks,"  observed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, "for  Batsey  uses  an  uncommon  lot  liglitin'  the 
fires;  but,  'owsomever,  never  mind,  that's  ncjt  tli('  i)int — 
the  pint  is,  that  we'll  go  to  the  forest,  and  take  this  new 
lot  of  'ounds,  and  see  wot  they'i-o  made  on." 

"  Wy,  wy,"  rcjjlied  Pigg,  "  wy,  wy,  ar's  (luite  'greeable." 

"Jest  you  and  I,"  observed  Jorrocks;  "it's  no  use 
taking  Ben." 

"De'il  a  bit!"  replied  Pigg,  with  disdain,  "de'il  a  bit!" 
"  You  on  Young  Hyson,  me  on  Arterxerxes,"  continued 
Mr.  JorrfK-ks. 

"  Ye'd  U;tt^'r  ride  t'other,"  replied  Pigg;  "yc'reniver 
off  t'ard  htiHHCH  l>ack." 

"Do    tlie    great   nzml>lin'-atomached    beggar   good," 


428  HANDLEY  CROSS 

replied  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  "  f,'oes  jest  as  if  he  "ad  a  barrel  o' 
milk  churnin'  in  his  inside." 

"Wy,  Avy,  sir,"  replied  Pigg,  "ye  ken  best;  only,  ye 
see,  if  ye  brick  him  down,  ye  see  yell  not  git  such 
another — not  i'  these  parts,  at  least." 

"Oh,  never  fear,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  carelessly, 
"  there  are  as  good  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever  came  out  on 
it.  No  man  need  want  a  quad  long  wot  'ill  pay  for 
one,"  he  continued,  hustling  the  silver  vigorously  in  his 
Xiantaloon  i^ocket. 

"  Wy,  wy,  sir,"  replied  Pigg,  "  ye  ken  best,  ye  ken  best. 
Then  we'll  fix  it  so,  and  ar'll  tak  these  new  hunds  i^ 
couples,  and  a  few  of  our  own  to  show  them  the  way  like." 

"  Jest  so,"  assented  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

And  so  master  and  man  parted. 


CHAPTER    XLIV 


PINCH-ME-NEAR    FOREST 


S  if  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  bmiting 
appetite  ^rew  by  what  it 
fed  upon,  be  passed  a  very 
restless,  feverish  nisjht. 
dreaming  of  all  sorts  of 
bunting  casualities,  and 
greatly  disturbing  Mrs. 
JoiTocks's  repose  by  his 
evolutions.  At  length, 
thinking  he  was  throwing 
down  a  stone  wall,  to  pick 
up  bis  fox,  be  set  bis  feet 
against  her  with  such 
force  as  sent  her  flying 
out  of  bed,  and  so  finished 
the  performance.  Mrs.  J. 
went  off  to  Belinda's 
room,  and  our  Master  got 
\ip,  though  it  was  only  five 
o'clock.  Early  as  be  was,  however,  Pigg.  who  had  not 
gone  to  bed  at  all,  was  before  him,  and  wIkmi  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks  got  down-stairs,  he  found  him  at  a  sumptuous 
breakfast  with  Batsey  in  the  back  kitchen.  Setting 
Pigg  off  to  the  stable,  Mr.  Jorrocks  took  bis  place  at 
the  talile,  and  rated  Batsey  soundly  for  encouraging  a 
man  of  Pigg's  "  nnstf^Kly  'abits." 

Batsey  justified  herself  on  the  Bcore  of  pi-omoting  her 
master's  sport.  "Pigg,"  she  was  "sure  was  nothin' to 
her."  She  didn't  want  to  ]>e  Mrs.  Pigg.  Not  she,  indeed ! 
She  could  do  bett^'r  than  that  any  day,  she  'ojiod ! 
"  Pigg,  forsooth  !  "  and  she  Ixiunced  about,  and  l)anged 
the  butter  uj)on  tlie  muflinK  and  toast,  as  if  her  feelings 
were  outraged  in  the  extrrMne.  How  the  disiiute  might 
have  ended  is  doul)tful,  for  in  tlic  midst  of  it  J3atsey 
gave  Mr.  Jono<-ks  a  kidney  so  hot  ofP  the  fire,  that  he 
burnt  bis  mouth,  and  as  be  danced  alxail   I  lie  kilchon 


430  HANDLET  CROSS 

floor,  iiu;i1)le  to  retain  it,  yet  unwilling,'  to  ^'ive  it  up,  she 
took  advantage  of  the  opportunity  and  slipj^ed  quietly 
away,  to  have  a  cry  in  her  own  room.  Our  Master  then 
finished  his  Ijreakfast  with  a  blistered  mouth,  as  best  he 
could,  and  then  followed  Piprg  to  the  stable. 

It  was  so  dark  when  T'lffff  jjave  Mr.  Jorrocks  his  horse, 
that  our  Master  was  obliged  to  feel  along  his  back  to  his 
tail,  to  be  sure  that  he  hadn't  got  hold  of  Xerxes  instead 
of  Arterxerxes ;  for  though  if  our  friend  had  been  selling 
him,  he  would  have  sworn  that  Xerxes  was  far  the  best 
of  the  two — finest  'oss  wot  ever  was  seen,  in  fact — yet  an 
inconvenient  jerk  he  had  with  his  hind-quartei*s  in  his 
jumijs  more  than  counterbalanced  any  little  additional 
speed  he  had  over  Arterxerxes.  It  took  Mr.  Jorrocks 
more  time  to  get  shufiled  back  into  his  saddle  after  a 
leap  on  Xerxes,  than  Arterxerxes  would  have  lost  by  his 
steady  laborious  plodding,  to  say  nothing  of  the  incon- 
venience of  riding  on  a  horse's  neck,  instead  of  on  his 
back.  But  to  our  story.  Pigg,  like  a  prudent  man,  had 
coupled  the  strange  hounds  with  some  of  their  own,  or 
they  would  have  been  all  over  the  town  in  no  time. 
Mastei"  and  man  spuri'ed  briskly  on,  Jorrocks  acting 
whipper-in,  and  Pigg  yoicking  and  coaxing  the  hounds 
to  him  as  l)est  he  could.  They  cleared  the  town,  and  got 
to  the  Whickenby  Gate  before  the  'pikeman  was  up ;  and 
violent  was  the  clattering,  and  dread  the  denvuiications 
that  Jorrocks  hurled  at  his  white  cotton  night-capped 
head,  when  at  length  he  popped  it  out  to  inquire  the 
cause  of  the  row. 

Our  friends  didn't  get  much  use  of  the  hard  road  for 
their  money,  for  Pinch-me-near  Forest  being  quite  a 
back-slum  sort  of  i)lace,  that  nobody  ever  wanted  to  see, 
the  roads  all  seemed  to  shun  it,  and  it  was  only  by  very 
vague  conjectures  and  speculative  cuts  that  our  friends 
managed  to  steer  towards  it  at  all.  Not  that  the  forest 
itself  was  worse  than  any  of  its  Royal  brethren ;  indeed, 
it  was  better  than  some,  for  Prettyfat  neither  stole  the 
wood  himself,  nor  knowingly  suffered  others  to  steal  it, 
his  being  the  easy  df)-nothing  style  of  management,  that 
let  the  trees  grow  if  they  liked,  or  if  they  didn't  like, 
let  them  stand  still  and  die,  or  be  ]>lown  down  and  rot 
at  their  leisure.  He  made  his  reports  regularly  and 
fairly,  and  so  long  as  he  got  as  much  money  as  paid  his 
own  salary  and  the  wages  of  his  labourers,  he  felt  he 
fulfilled  all  the  dxitics  of  a  faithful  servant  of  the  Crown, 
and  did  all  tliat  a  gi-ateful  nation  could  require. 

A  veiy  rubicund  sun  at  length  began  to  struggle 


PINCH-ME-NEAR  FOREST  131 

through  the  dull  leaden  clouds,  cri-adually  revealing 
hill  and  dales,  fields,  fences,  and  enclosures,  the  whole 
paraphenialia  of  a  landscape,  just  like  a  child's  puzzle 
map  getting  put  together. 

'■  Ton's  it !  ■'  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTocks  after  a  careful 
siu-vey  of  the  now  ideveloped  scene.  "  Yon's  it ! "  re- 
peated he,  pointing  witb  his  ponderous  whip  towards  a 
dark  mass  in  the  distance. 

"  Ar's  warned  ye,  is't,"  replied  Pigg,  replenishing  his 
mouth  with  tobacco.  "  Ar's  warned  ye  is't.  It's  a  gay 
bit  off.  though." 

"  Trot  on  ! "'  retorted  Mr.  Jorrocks  anxiously,  spurring 
Arterxerxes  vehemently,  an  insult  that  the  animal 
resented  by  a  duck  of  his  head  and  a  hoist  of  his  heels. 

Bmup,  Ininip.  trot,  trot,  squash,  splash,  swosh,  they 
went  throngli  the  open  fields,  over  the  couimons  and 
heaths  of  a  wet,  sterile,  Pewitey  country,  which  gradually 
got  worse  as  they  neared  the  stunted  brushwood  of  the 
straggling  forest.  At  length  they  came  ui)on  a  nest  of 
forest  squatters,  with  their  wretched  mud  cabins  and 
rolling  fences,  by  whom  they  Avere  directed  to  a  smart, 
well-hung  green  gate,  with  a  cattle-gap  on  either  side,  as 
the  commencement  of  Mr.  Prettyfat's  inattentions. 
Some  well-usod  horse  trods,  converging  towards  a  gently 
rising  hill  on  the  right,  from  whence  a  curl  of  clear 
smoke  was  now  rising,  favoured  the  supposition  tliat  the 
repre.sentiitive  of  Rr)yalty  was  not  far  off.  Tliougli  the 
morning  was  in  its  prido,  yet  when  our  friends  got  to  the 
front  of  the  neat  rose-entwined  liousc, — the  windows 
were  as  white  as  the  lough  cast  walls  -there  were  no 
signs  of  animation  of  any  sort.  "The  beggar's  not  hup 
yet,  I  do  believe,"'  olmervod  Mr.  Jorrocks,  spurring  the 
great  sjilaw-footed  Ai-tfM-xerxes  right  on  to  the  trimly 
shiiyen  gi-aHH-])lot  in  the  centre  of  the  carriage  ring. 
Rising  in  his  stirnijjs,  and  clearing  his  throat  witli  a 
prolonged  y-e-a-u-u-])!  as  he  i)rcpared  his  big  whip  for 
execution,  he  gave  siieli  a  cannonade  of  a  crack,  as 
sonnded  thrf)nL'h  the  lionse  and  i-everVierated  in  t  he  forest. 

"  Sink.  l)iit  thiit's  a  goorj  'ini  !"  grinned  Pigg.  listening 
t^)  the  oft-rej)f'ated  eclioes. 

Scarcely  were  the  words  out  of  his  month,  J)eforebang! 
went  a  lattice  window  up  above,  and  a  rival  of  the  red- 
faced  Him  iii)|)f'ared  beneath  the  night-capped  heail  of 
the  De|)iity-Kurveyor. 

"What  are  yon  doin'  liere 'r* "  roared  a  stentorian  voice. 

"Rum,  ar  say!  mm!"  exclaimecl  Pigg,  thinking  he 
was  asking  what  he  would  liave  to  drink. 


432  HANDLBY  CROSS 

'"Doin'  'ere!"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  whose  ears  had 
served  hhu  better.  "  Doin'  'ere  !  vy  I  be  come  to  'iint 
the  foxes,  to  be  sure  !  " 

"  Hunt  the  foxes,"  retorted  Pi-ettyfat,  indignantly— "Is 
this  a  time  to  come  and  hunt  foxes — none  but  chimney- 
sweeps woi;ld  disturb  one  at  this  hour." 

"  Sink,  gin  ye'll  had  mar  hus  ar'll  get  off  and  fight  'im ! " 
exclaimed  Pigg,  furious  at  the  comparison. 

"  Hush  !  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  let  me  talk  to  'im." 

"  Vy,  didn't  I  tell  ye  I'd  come  hearly  ?  "  asked  our 
Master,  rising  in  his  stirrups  and  speaking  in  a  con- 
ciliatory tone. 

_"  Come  early,"  repeated  Prettyfat,  recollecting  the 
wide-margined  official,  "  come  early,  yes,  but  you  don't 
call  tramplin'  on  a  geuT man's  grass-plot  comin'  early, 
do  ye  ?    You  don't  'spect  to  find  a  fox  there." 

"  Hoot,  thou  'ard  feuil,iwhat's  thou  grumblin'  'bout  thy 
gi-ass  plat  for?"  demanded  Pigg,  in  a  tone  of  derision. 

■'  Treasonous,  traitrous  rogues,"  exclaimed  Prettyfat. 
"  I'll  hand  you  over  to  the  law  officers  of  the  Crown." 

"  Let's  off !  "  ejaculated  Jorrocks,  catching  Arterxerxes 
short  round  by  the  head — "Let's  off  !— I've  no  relish  for 
law,  still  less  for  hornamentin'  the  top  of  Temi)le  Bar 
with  my  'ead ;  "  so  saying  onr  Master  spurred  through 
the  pack,  and  treading  on  a  couple  of  hounds,  raised 
such  a  clamour  as  drowned  the  further  observations  of 
the  sylvan  Viceroy.  Down  they  dived  into  the  wood 
again.  They  had  not  got  very  far  before  they  met 
Prettyfat's  i^erspiring  drab  -  tm-ned  -  u^i  -  with  -  gi-ease 
flunky,  panting  along  with  a  pitchfork  in  his  hand,  who 
exclaimed,  on  seeing  them  -"Oh  gen'l'men  !  gen'l'men! 
you  should  ha'  been  here  a  bit  sooner  (puff'),  that  tarna- 
tion fox  has  been  at  the  (puff)  poultry  again." 

"  You  don't  say  so ! "  grinned  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pulling 
short  up  and  standing  erect  in  his  stirrups.  "You  don't 
say  so!  Show  us  the  way  on  'im  and  I'll  sarve'im  out. 
Off  with  the  coujjles,  Pigg,"  added  he,  turning  to  James, 
who  was  already  on  the  ground  disengaging  the  draft. 
Away  they  tear  in  all  directions,  howling  and  towling 
like  mad.  A  shrill  lihist  of  the  liorn  gets  them  into  a 
smaller  comjjass,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  trots  on,  preceded  by 
the  man,  to  show  him  where  he  last  saw  the  fox.  Old 
Ravager  first  drops  his  stern,  feathers,  but  speaks  not, 
when  one  of  the  new  noisy  ones  immediately  gives 
tongue,  and  the  sage  taking  a  fling  in  advance,  gave 
something  between  a  squeak  and  a  note,  which  being 
immediately  endorsed  by  the  rest,    they  drive  with  an 


PINCH-ME-NEAK  FOREST  433 

echoinff  ci-asb  into  the  thick  of  the  forest.  Now  our 
friend's  misfortunes  commence,  for  the  further  they  get 
from  the  seat  of  government,  the  worse  the  riding 
becomes.  Impervious  thickets,  through  winch  hounds 
meuse,  but  horses  can  make  no  way,  soon  separate  tbem 
from  the  pack,  whose  music  falls  fainter  and  fainter  on 
the  ear;  our  anxious  Master  pushes  on,  through  the  wet 
sterile  sand,  or  slobby  quagmires,  impeded  ever  and 
anon  by  a  fallen  tree— in  bopes  that  a  favourable  turn 
may  again  land  him  with  the  pack.  "  Dash  my  vig,"  says 
he,  shortening  his  hold  of  Ai-terxerxes,  who  all  but  falls 
over  a  fern-concealed  log—"  dash  my  vig,  I  wish  I 
mayn't  brick  my  neck  in  this  terrible  desert— most  out- 
landish place  I  ever  was  in." 

"  It  is  a  rum  place,"  observed  Pigg,  doing  the  like. 

"  'Ark  !  where  are  they  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Jorrorks.  pulling 
short  ujj.  with  his  hand  to  his  ear. 

"They  seem  arle  oour,"  replied  Pigg;  "wish  these 
Quoi-n  dogs  may  be  ([uite  what  they  oout." 

"  It's  the  confounded  hecho,"  observed  IMr.  JoiTocks, 
still  listening  attentively. 

"  Ar  tell  ye,  they've  divided,"  asserted  Pigg. 

"  Then  turn  them,"  rejoined  Mr.  .lorrocks. 

"Torn  them  thysel',"  retorted  Pigg,  dropping  his 
elbows  and  starting  off  at  a  canter. 

"Now  where's  the  man  goin'  to?"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks,  eyeing  lii.s  fast  receding  huntsman  diviiig  into 
the  tliicket.  "  Wot's  he  a  Ir-avin'  me  'ere  for?"  con- 
tinued he,  feeling  the  desolation  of  his  position.  "  Wish 
I  may  ever  find  my  way  out,"  continued  he.  looking 
around  on  the  grey,  unhealthy  scene  of  stunted  desola- 
tion. 

Thinking  to  stick  to  Pigg.  at  all  events,  our  Master 
set  A i-tei-xerxes  agoing  again,  and  blobbed  on  in  his 
deej).  black  iiiijiriiits.  Sorry  work  it  was  for  old  Arter- 
xerxes,  who  was  no  great  iiand  at  going  tlirough  deep. 
JoiTocks  spurred  iiim,  and  jagged  him.  and  cropped  ])iin, 
and  calh'd  hiui  all  the  great  hiniberin'  henterprizeless 
Ijcegars  he  <-<>uh\  think  of.  In  llu' excesH  of  liis  energy 
he  overshot  llie  mark,  and  kept  right  on,  inKtead  of 
tuiTiing  short  up  a  trark  on  tiie  loft.  Tin- one  he  k<-i)t, 
from  a  unifonnly  rotten  sui-face,  now  be(!ame  aK^-r- 
nately  soft  and  hard,  the  water  standing  in  the  hollows 
like  liaths,  and  these  Art<M-xerxes,  as  if  ausi^icious  of 
treachery,  commenced  leai)ing,  but  possibly  finding  the 
trouble  great*'r  than  he  (jxix-cted,  he  Hfx.n  took  to 
blundering  through  them,  squirting  the  muddy  water 

K  f 


434  HANDLEY  CROSS 

ahout  in  all  directions.  The  forest  still  continued  the 
same  forlorn,  nnprosperous-looking  place;  where  the 
wet  stood,  moss  grey,  agnish-looking  trees  were  dying 
by  the  middle,  while  higher  up,  the  oaks  battled  with 
the  briars  and  other  smothering  rnbbish.  Onr  Master, 
however,  was  too  busy  to  observe  anything  of  the  sort 
—all  he  knew  was,  that  it  was  wen-y  bad  riding.  The 
sound  of  the  horn  on  the  left  first  caused  him  to  pause 
and  ponder  Avhether  he  was  on  the  track  of  Pigg.  There 
were  footmarks,  but  not  so  fresh  as  his  should  be. 
Another  unmistakable  twang,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  deter- 
mined to  alter  his  course.  Where  all  was  so  bad,  there 
was  nothing  to  choose.  Accordingly  he  swung  Arter- 
xerxes  short  round,  and  turned  him  up  another  rushy, 
waterlogged  track,  that  seemed  to  lead  in  the  direction 
of  the  horn.  Desperately  bad  the  riding  was.  The 
nature  of  the  ground  seemed  to  change,  and  from  hop- 
pole-like  ash  and  alder,  to  be  stocked  with  nothing  but 
stunted  birch.  Tlie  soil  was  black  and  peaty,  with  here 
and  there  the  outline  of  a  long  subsided  drain. 

"  Blow  me  tight,"  muttered  Mr.  Jorrocks,  shortening 
his  hold  of  his  horse,  "  I  wish  I  mayn't  be  gettin' 
bogged,"  and  scarcely  were  the  words  out  of  his  mouth 
ere  Arterxerxes  floundered  up  to  the  shoulders  in  a 
moss  hag,  shooting  our  friend  softly  over  his  head  on  to 
his  side. 

"W-o-a-y.  oss!  W-o-a-a-y!"  roai-ed  our  Master,  now 
kicking  on  his  back  like  a  lively  tin-tle,  expecting  to 
have  the  struggling  animal  a-top  of  him  every  moment. 

"  W-o-a-y  oss  !  w-o-a-a-y !  "  repeated  Jon-ocks,  jerking 
himself  off  to  the  side.  The  horse  beat  and  plunged, 
and  groaned  and  heaved,  still  stemming  the  black  slough 
of  despond,  until  he  got  fairly  through,  when  after 
standing  a  second  or  two  to  shake  himself,  lie  set  off 
at  an  unprovoked  trot,  leaving  our  Master  in  a  most 
unhappy  state  of  bewilderment  as  to  how  he  should 
ever  catch  him,  or  get  home  without  him. 

*'  Dash  the  beggar,"  gi-oaned  JoiTOcks,  as  he  saw  him 
rolling  his  gi-eat  hind  quarters  away  in  the  distance. 
"  Dash  the  beggar,  but  I  wish  I  was  a  top  on  'im,  I'd 
give  'im  summut  to  run  for;"  so  saying,  our  Master 
gathered  himself  together,  and  skirting  the  moss  hag, 
commenced  the  unpleasant  performance  of  ninning  in 
top  boots.  Squish,  squash,  splash,  he  floundered,  now 
over  the  insteps,  now  up  to  the  ankles,  now  almost  up  to 
the  knees.  He  soon  began  to  sob  and  sigh — "  Oh  dear! 
oh  dear ;  "  groaned  he,  "  did  ever  moi*tal  man  see  sich  a 


PINCH-ME-NEAR   FOREST 


435 


road— miglit  as  well  try  to  run  in  a  river.  And  ttat 
confounded  quad.."  continued  he,  eyein.^  Ai-terxerxes 
still  on  the  move.  "  Dash  my  vi^,  but  I'd  give  ye 
summut  to  run  for  if  I  had  'old  on  ye— I'd  make  ye  cry 
'  Capevi ! '  my  frind.  Drot  the  road !  "  exclaimed  he,  as 
he  plunged  into  a  rush-concealed  rut,  and  squirted  the 
dii-ty  water  up  into  his  face.     "  Well  this  is  a  pretty 


->A 


s4 


MB.    JOKKOCKH    UAB    AHOTHF.K    II  Y  i:  - 1)  >  V 


performance,"  continued   lie,   iuo]»|»iiig   liimscll'   witli   a 


gi-eat  criMi8f)n  linndaui 
Cf)n-f<>iind  tliew  l)yc-(liiys. 
into  grifrf.  And  now  tli*^ 
the  vinta  closed  without 
"  Ark  !  I  'ear  'otindH.     No. 


litatH   all    otlicrH    into    litR. 

'i'lwy'rc.-ilwiiyH  gcttin'on  me 
hnite's  gone  altogether,"  as 
ArtcrxerxcH  cm  the  .sceiie. 
tlicv'n;  crows.     Well,  if  this 


isn't  a  sickener,  I  don't  know  what  is    miglit  as  well  try 


436  HANDLEY  CROSS 

to  run  i'  the  mud  off  '  Un<?erf ord  stairs,  as  in  this  sludKe. 
Shouldn't  like  to  clean  those  bouts  I  know,"  continued 
he.  looking  down  on  his  black,  and  all  black,  tops.  A 
bit  of  sound  t^round  again  tempted  him  into  a  trot,  and 
at  length  brought  him  to  the  rising  gi-ound  up  which 
great  Ai-terxerxes  had  disappeared.  "  Oh  dear !  oh 
dear ! "  groaned  Mr.  Jorrocks  as  a  stitch  in  his  side 
suddenly  stopped  him.  "  Oh  dear !  oh  dear  !  I'm  re- 
gularly floored.  Might  as  well  try  to  follow  Halbert 
Smith  hup  Mont  Blanc  as  Arterxerxes  h\ip  this 
incon-igible  mountain ;  "  so  saying  om- heavily-perspiring 
Master  sought  the  support  of  a  fallen  willow,  and 
distributing  himself  equitably  among  its  branches, 
sofa  fashion,  proceeded  to  bewail  his  lamentable  con- 
dition. "  Oh  dear !  oh  dear !  "  groaned  he,  "  was  there 
ever  sich  an  misfortunit  indiwidual  as  John  Jorrocks  ? 
was  there  ever  an  independent  British  grocer  made  sich 
a  football  on  by  f ortin  ?  Tossed  about  the  world  like  an 
old  'at.  Tempted  from  the  'olesomest,  the  ijlisantest,  the 
most  salubrisome  street  i'  London  to  take  these  'ounds, 
and  then  be  drawn  into  this  un]jardonable  wilderness. 
Nothin'  but  rushes,  and  grass  that  Nebuchadnezzar 
'imself  woiild  turn  up  his  nose  at.  Oh  dear!  oh  dear!" 
continued  he,  as  his  thoughts  reverted  to  home  and 
Handley  Cross,  '"shall  never  see  my  dinner  this  day, 
Torbay  soles  with  Budle  cockle  sau.ce,  Dartmoor  forest 
mutton,  puddin',  and  taturs  under  the  meat,  'stead  of 
starvin'  in  a  dreary  desert— happed  up  by  cock  robins  or 
other  benevolent  birds ; "  a  thought  that  so  distracted 
our  Master  as  to  cause  him  to  start  and  tiii-n  in  liis 
couch,  when  the  rotten  main  prop  to  his  back  giving 
way,  he  came  crashing  and  smashing  to  the  ground. 

"  There  ! "  ejaculated  Mr.  Joi-rocks,  "there !  "  repeated 
he,  as  he  lay  among  the  rotten  fragments.  "  Fallen  a 
'underd  feet  from  the  grand  !  Broke  every  bone  in  my 
skin,  I  do  believe.  Bet  a  guinea  'at  to  a  'alf-crown 
gossamer  I  'aven't  a  'ole  bone  i'  my  body."  So  saying 
oi;r  Master,  having  carefully  shaken  first  one  limb  and 
then  another,  to  ascertain  the  amount  of  the  mischief, 
I'ose  slowly  from  the  wet  ground,  and  after  anathema- 
tising the  deceptive  imfriendly  tree,  resumed  the  tracking 
of  his  horse  up  the  hill.  His  boots  were  now  well 
"salivated"  as  he  would  say,  and  the  cold  bog-water 
poached  and  chunied  as  he  went.  But  if  his  feet  were 
cold,  his  temper  was  warm,  and  various  wei-e  the  recrea- 
tions he  promised  Arterxerxes.  He  would  ride  "  his  tail 
oft',"  then  recollecting  how  little  he  had,  he  "  would  ride 


PINCH-ME-JJEAR  FOREST  437 

him  till  he  dropped."  Then  he  would  "  skin  him  alive, 
and  make  his  hide  into  a  hair  trunk  " — then  he  would 
cut  it  into  whip  thong's — next  into  shoe-sti-ings — finally 
he  would  give  him  "  to  the  first  mugger  he  met." 

As  Mrs.  Glasse  would  say,  however,  "  first  catch  your 
horse,"'  and  this  seemed  a  remote  possibility,  for  though 
our  Master  in  the  course  of  a  two  miles'  tramp,  which  he 
called  ten,  did  get  a  view  of  him  once,  the  grass  was  of 
too  coarse  and  uninviting  a  character  to  induce  the 
animal  to  take  more  than  a  passing  snatch  as  he  went, 
which  he  did  at  a  pace  that  seemed  well  calculated  to  last 
for  ever.  At  length  our  Master  was  fairly  exhausted, 
and  coming  to  a  pai-t  of  the  forest  that  ran  out  into 
rocks  and  sandy  heathery  hills,  he  threw  himself  upon 
his  back  on  a  large  flat  stone,  and  kicking  u])  first  one 
leg  and  then  the  other,  to  let  the  bog- water  out  of  his 
boots,  moaned  and  groaned  audibly.  Beginning  at  a 
guinea,  he  bid  up  to  a  hundred  and  twenty,  to  be  back  at 
Handley  Cross,  and  two  hundi'ed  and  fifty  to  be  back  in 
Great  Coram  Street,  clear  of  the  'ounds  and  ail  belong- 
ing to  them.  And  he  vowed  that  if  Diana  would  only 
'ave  the  kindness  to  come  to  his  assistance  that  once,  he 
would  never  troiiljle  her  with  any  more  of  his  vagaries. 
No,  indeed  he  wouldn't,  he  would  sell  his  'ounds  and  his 
'oases,  bum  liis  Ijoots  and  his  Beckford,  and  drive  about 
in  a  pill-box  the  rest  of  liis  life. 


CHAPTER  XLV 


A    FRIEND    IN    NEED 


UR  Master  was  inter- 
inpted  in  the  midst 
of  his  groans  and 
lamentations  by  a 
low  voice  dropping' 
down  upon  him  with 
a  "Are  you  hurt, 
sir  ?  "  and  startinj^- 
up,  he  encountered 
the  sinister  gaze  of 
a  haggard-looking 
man,  dressed  in  a  cap 
and  comijlete  suit  of 
dirty  gi-ey  tweed. 

"Are  you  hurt, 
sir?"  repeated  the 
man,  not  getting  an 

i^'^S^'^'%JEi^^^^i^'^^^:T^^f^'''^^      answer  to  his  former 

r^  wKf  fw-'Y'  'Aii^^^^^''y^^^^^^       inquiry. 

■kb^W'  ^^^    J  IMs^'  "Hurt,  sir!"  re- 

plied  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
eyeing  him  as  though 

he  expected  an  immediate   stand  and  deliver ;    "  hurt, 

sir !    No,  sir ! "  clutching  his  formidable  hammer-headed 

whip,  "  I've  lost  my  'oss." 
"  Oh,  that's  all,  is  it  F  "  sneered  the  man. 
"  D'ye    call   that   nothin'  P "    retorted    Mr.    Jorrocks, 

bridling  up. 

"  My  little  gal  said  she  thought  you'd  broke  your  back 

by  the  noise  you  were  makin',"  replied  the  man. 

"Did  she?"  rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks,  feeling  he  had 

Vjeen  making  a  great  fool  of  himself.     "Did  she?    Then 

tell  your  little  gal  she'd  made  a  mistake." 


A  FRIEND   IN   NEED  439 

"Then  I  can't  do  notbin'  for  you?  "  observed  the  nuin. 
ufter  a  pause. 

"  In  couree  you  can,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks ;  "  you  can 
catch  luy  'oss  for  lue." 

■'  Is  he  near  at  hand  ?  "  asked  the  man. 

Mr.  JoiTocks. — "Thnt  I  dou't  know.  Far  or  near,  I'll 
give  ye  "alf-a-crown  for  bringiu"  "iui  to  me." 

"  Doubt  I  daren't  ventur,"  replied  the  man  reluctantly. 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "  Huts,  there's  nobody  to  'urt  ye." 

"  Can't  go  so  far  from  home,"  I'ejoined  the  man. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  (brij^htening^  up). — "Wot!  you  live  near 
'ere,  do  ye  ?  " 

■'  Not  far  off,"  replied  the  man,  with  a  jerk  of  his  head, 
as  much  as  to  say,  "  I'm  not  going  to  tell  you." 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "  Well,  but  p'raps  you  could  get  me 
summut  to  drink,  for  my  'oss  has  run  away  with  my 
monkey,  and  I'm  fit  to  die  of  habsolute  un^iueiichable 
thirst." 

The  man  eyed  him  suspiciously,  and  at  lenofth  drawled 
out.  "  What,  you've  been  hunting',  have  you  P  " 

"'Deed,  'ave  I,"  rejjlied  our  Master;  "started  afore 
daylight." 

"It  'ill  be  Mr.  Jorrocks,  I  dessay,"  observed  the  num, 
with  an  air  of  enlightenment. 

"  Wot.  you  knows  me,  do  ye?"  exclaimed  our  Master, 
brightening  up. 

"  Yes,  sir — no,  sir — that's  to  say,  sir,  I  know  your 
huntsman,  sir— Mr.  Pigg,  sir." 

"Indeed,"  mused  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"  Mr.  Pigg  and  I  are  very  old  friends,  sir,"  continued 
the  man, "  very  old  friends,  iudeed — most  respectable  man, 
Mr.  Pigg,  sir— most  fortunate  in  having  such  a  servant." 

"  Humph,"  grunted  Mr.  Joirocks,  not  being  quite  so 
sure  of  that. 

"Finest  sijortsman  in  the  world,  sir,"  continiied  the 
man — "finest  sportsman  in  tlir  world,  sir — can  do  a'luost 
anything— sing  a  song,  dance  a  jig,  giin  for  l>accy,  play 
dominoes,  priclc  i'  the  Ijolt,  or  thimbleiig.  If  tliat  man 
could  have  got  a  si»irit  license  lied  lia'  nuide  a  fortin. 
Tfo'd  ha'  bin  the  fir.st  man  o'  the  day." 

"/«-deed,"  mused  our  Master. 

"  Most  accomitli.slifMl  gf;utlcman,"continu<!d  tliCHi)eaker 
— "mostaccomitlished  gentleman.  I'd  rayther  have  James 
Pigg  for  a  partner  than  any  nuin  I  ever  saw." 

"  And  pray  may  lax  your  name;  ?  "  incpiirt'd  our  Master, 
curious  to  know  something  more  of  hia  huntsman's  fiicnd. 

*' Oh,  my  name's  Turveylow,  Tom  Turveylow,  but  lie 


440  HANDLEY  CROSS 

won't  know  mc  by  tlint  name.  Whiskey  Tim."  added 
he.  droppincf  his  voice  with  a  knowing  leer,  "  is  the  name 
he'll  know  me  by." 

"  I  twig,"  winked  our  Master.  "  Yon  'aven't  a  drop  o' 
the  cretur  Avith  ye,  'ave  ye  ?  " 

"  Hard- bye,"  replied  the  man,  "  hard- bye,"  jerking  his 
thumb  over  his  shoulder. 

"  Let's  at  it,"  said  Mr.  JoiTocks.  brightening  up. 

"  You're  safe,  I  s'pose  ?"  hesitated  the  man. 

"  Honour  bright,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks :  "  wouldn't 
peach  if  it  was  ever  so — " 

"  Well.  I  don't  think  any  friend  of  Pigg's  would,"  said 
the  man,  gaining  courage  ;  so  saying,  he  wheeled  about, 
and  beckoning  Jorrocks  to  follow  him,  led  the  way 
across  the  sharp  sandy  heath,  towards  a  precipitous 
range  of  rocks,  whose  heights  commanded  an  extensive 
view  over  the  forest  and  smTounding  country.  It  was 
towards  their  rugged  base  that  they  now  directed  their 
steps.  Passing  some  large  upright  stones  that  guarded 
the  entrance  to  a  sort  of  outer  court,  they  came  all  at 
once  upon  the  smuggler's  cave. 

"  Bow  your  head  and  bow  yoiu'  body,"  said  the  man, 
turning  and  suiting  the  action  to  the  word  as  he  reached 
the  frowning  portcullis-like  rock  that  guarded  the 
entrance. 

"  Come  on !  come  on !  yon've  nothin'  to  fear,"  cried 
he,  seeing  Jon-ocks  stood  irresolute.  "  there's  no 
honester  man  in  the  world  than  your  humble  servant." 

"  Self-praise  is  no  commendation,"  muttered  our 
Master,  going  down  on  all  fours  preparatory  to  creeping 
under  the  beetling  rock.  This  let  him  into  the 
smuggler's  ante-room,  a  cold,  damp,  dropping  den, 
formed  from  a  natural  cavity  in  the  rock.  Beyond  was 
a  larger,  loftier  cave,  and  over  a  briglit  wood  fire,  illu- 
minating the  hard  walls,  was  a  fiue  Venetian-shaped 
girl,  in  a  tiglit  blue  bodice  and  red  flannel  petticoat, 
chucking  the  savoury  contents  of  a  frying-pan  up  in  the 
air. 

Her  back  being  turned,  she  was  not  aware  of  the 
enterers,  until  her  tempoi-ary  lord  and  master  exclaimed, 
"  Sally !  here's  old  keep  -  the  -  tambourine  -  a  -  roulin's 
master." 

"  Lawk,  Jim  !  'ow  could  you  bring  a  gent  when  I 
'aven't  got  my  stockin's  on  ?  "  exclaimed  the  lady,  whisk- 
ing round  and  showing  the  beautiful  symmetry  of  her 
delicate  white  legs.  She  then  turned  her  ]ii8tr(>us  eyes 
ujjon  our  friend  and  basilisked  him  with  a  smile.    Mr. 


A   FRIEND   IN   NEED  441 

Jorrocks  stood  transfixed.  He  tlion<?ht  he  had  never 
seen  a  greater  beauty.  Sir  Archy  Depecarde's  house- 
keeper was  nothing  to  her. 

"Take  a  seat,  sir,  take  a  seat,"  said  the  smuggler, 
sweeping  a  bundle  of  nets  and  snares  off  a  stool— for  of 
course  he  combined  the  trade  of  poacher  with  that  of 
smuggler — and  placing  it  behind  our  Master.  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks did  as  he  was  bid,  and  sat  lost  in  the  novelty  of 
the  scene,  the  beauty  of  the  lady,  and  the  savoui-iness 
of  the  pig's-fry  she  was  cooking. 

"  You'll  take  your  dinner  with  us,  sir,  I  hope,"  said 
the  smuggler,  possessing  himself  of  our  Master's  hat 
and  whip.  "  You'll  take  your  dinner  with  us,  sir,  I 
hope,"  adding,  as  he  chucked  them  into  a  corner,  "  any 
friend  of  Pigg's  is  welcome  here." 

"  Much  ijlissur,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  all  of  a 
sudden  waxed  "  uncommon  hungry." 

■■  Get  the  gent  a  plate  and  things,  Ann,"  said  the 
smuggler  to  the  little  girl  who  had  repoi-ted  J.'s  vagaries 
on  his  back. 

The  implements  of  eating  were  quickly  placed  on  the 
already  set-out  talile,  and  our  party  were  presently  at 
work  at  the  fry,  which  was  followed  by  roast  potatoes 
and  a  jugged  bare,  late  a  tough  old  denizen  of  the  forest; 
oat-cake,  cheese,  and  bottled  ale  completed  the  repast. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  plyed  a  most  satisfactory  knife  and  fork, 
declaring,  as  he  topi^od  up  with  a  heavy  cannonade  of 
whiskey,  that  he  couldn't  have  dined  better  with  the 
Grocers'  Comi):iny. 

"  Good  stuff  tliat,"  said  the  smuggler,  with  a  knowing 
wink  at  the  briglit  sjiarkling  whiskey. 

"Capital,"  rejjlied  Mr.  Jorrocks, replenishing  his  glass. 

"  I  toast  you,  sir,"  said  the  smuggler,  bowing,  glass  in 
liand,  to  our  master. 

"  You  do  me  proud."  said  Mr.  Jorroclcs,  returning  the 
salute. 

"  Not  at  all,  sir,"  replied  the  condescending  host.  "  I 
believe  you  to  Ije  a  most  respectable  man." 

Mr.  .Jorrocks  next  looked  towards  the  lady,  who 
acknowledged  the  (iomjjliiiiont  witli  a  sweet  ghince. 

The  smuggler  then,  as  in  duty  ln)und,  gave  the  iu-alth 
of  his  royal  partner,  the  Queen,  iiftcr  which  other  loyiil 
and  patriotic  toasts  foiU)wed.  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  gave  the 
ladies  generally,  adding,  as  he  leered  at  his  hostess,  that 
he  "liked  a  fine  well-fiavoured  'ooman."  He  then  began 
to  get  noisy.     It  was  the  old  story. 

"You   must  (hiccup)  witii   my  'ounds  (hiccup),   best 


442  HANDLET   CROSS 

"ounds  goin'  (hiccup),  best  'oimds  in  (hiccup)  England. 
Best  'oiinds  in  (hiccup)  Europe — best  'ounds  in  (hiccup) 
Europe,  Hasia,  Hafrica,  'Merica — (hiccup)."  Then,  as 
he  rolled  about  on  his  stool,  forgetting  there  was  no 
back  to*  it,  he  lost  his  balance,  and  kicking  up  the 
ricketty  table  with  his  toes,  came  heavily  down  on  his 
back.  What  hapi)ened  after  is  matter  of  uncertainty, 
for  the  next  thing  our  master  remembers  was  finding 
hiinself  getting  transferred  from  a  light-tilted  cart  on  a 
bright  frosty  night  into  a  Handley  Cross  fly,  at  Rose- 
mary Lane  gate ;  but  when  he  came  to  pay  the  man 
his  fare  he  found  his  purse  was  gone,  which  he  might 
ha.ve  thought  had  dropped  out  of  his  pocket  into  the 
cart,  were  it  not  that  his  watch  was  wanting  too.  How- 
ever, being  at  home,  he  just  told  Betsy  to  pay  the  fare, 
and  clambered  upstairs  to  bed  as  if  nothing  '"ticlar" 
had  happened.  And  next  day  Pigg  gave  such  a  won- 
derful account  of  the  run,  and  how  he  would  have  killed 
the  fox  half-a-dozen  times  if  he  had  only  had  JoiTOcks 
to  help  him,  that  our  Mastei',  forgetting  all  his  i)romises 
to  Diana,  very  soon  had  another  tura  at  the  forest. 


CHAPTER    XLVT 

THE   SHORTEST   DAY 

Mb.  Jorrocks's  next  adventm-e  in  the  luintin^  line 
originated  in  a  very  furious  letter  from  a  gentleman, 
signing  himself  "  John  Gollarfield,  farmei*,  Hardpye 
HiU,"  complaining  bitterly  of  the  devastation  of  his 
hen-roost,  and  calling  loudly  for  vengeance  against  the 
foxes.  Accordingly  our  Master  made  a  meet  for  Hard- 
pye Hill,  instead  of  Langton  Pound,  as  he  intended. 

The  road  to  the  hill  lying  tln-ough  some  roomy  en- 
closures, and  Christmas  having  let  loose  its  enterprise 
upon  the  coimtry,  great  was  the  spoiling  and  racing  that 
marked  the  line  there.  Mr.  JoiTocks,  aiTayed  in  his  best 
pink,  jogged  pompously  on  with  his  cavalcade,  receiving 
the  marked  attention  of  tlie  country.  Amved  at  the 
hill,  he  turaed  into  a  grass  field  to  give  his  hounds  a  roll 
and  hear  the  news  of  the  day— how  Miss  Glancey  was 
after  Captain  Small-  how  Mrs.  Buss  had  captivated  old 
Frill.  Then,  when  the  cantering,  smoking  cover  hack 
swells  came  up,  they  resolved  tliemselves  into  a  com- 
mittee of  taste,  scrutinizing  tliis  hound  and  that,  jjassing 
their  opinions  on  the  pack  generally,  and  on  the  Bug- 
ginson  hounds  in  particular.  Some  thought  they  were 
coarse,  some  thouglit  they  were  common;  V>ut  when  they 
heard  tlicy  were  dj-afts  from  tlie  Quoni,  they  were 
unanimous  in  tliinking  they  must  be  good — especially 
when  Mr.  Jorrocks  broadly  liinted  he  had  given  Day  ten 
guineas  a  coujtle  for  them.  The  noise  tlio  party  made 
prevented  tlieir  hearing  sundry  ominous  moans  and  lows 
in  the  neighbourhood,  which  gradually  rose  to  a  roar, 
until  a  simultaneous  crash,  and  cry  of  "  Mind  the  bull ! " 
di"ew  all  eyes  to  the  l)ank  of  the  adjoining  fence,  where, 
with  head  down  and  tail  ujj,  a  great  roan  bull  was  seen 
poising  himself  preparatory  to  nuiking  a  descent  upon 
the  field.  Down  he  came  with  a  roar  that  shook  the 
earth  to  the  very  centre,  and  w.ni  the  field  flying  in  all 
directions.     Mr.  JoiTocks,  who  was  on  foot  among  his 


444  HANDLKY  CROSS 

lioniids.  iinniediately  rushed  to  his  horse,  wliioh  Ben  had 
let  loose,  but  making  a  bad  shot  at  the  stin-np,  he  became 
a  point  d'appiii  for  the  biill,  who  after  him  with  a  vigoiir 
and  determination  that  looked  very  like  a  finisher.  Our 
Master  was  can-ied,  clinging  to  the  neck,  half  across  the 
field  in  a  "  now  on,  now  off  "  sort  of  way  that  would  have 
made  any  one  feel  very  uncomfortable  who  had  an 
annuity  depending  on  his  life.  At  last  he  got  fairly  into 
his  saddle,  and  setting  himself  down  to  ride,  he  threw 
his  heart  boldly  over  a  stiff  "on  and  off,"  and  shoved 
Xerxes  at  it  in  a  way  that  proved  too  many  for  the  bull. 
Ploughing  up  the  pasture  with  his  feet,  in  his  effort  to 
stop  himself  as  he  neared  it,  he  tossed  his  great  wide- 
horned  head  in  the  air,  and  uttering  a  frightful  bellow 
that  thundered  through  the  valley  and  reverberated  on 
Hardpye  Hill,  he  turned,  tail  erect,  to  take  a  mm  at 
some  one  else.  And  having  succeeded  by  the  aid  of 
gates  in  placing  a  coiiple  more  enclosiires  between  them, 
Mr.  Jorrocks  sought  a  rising  ground  from  which  he 
thought  over  the  magnitude  of  his  adventure,  and  how 
he  would  like  to  have  Leech  to  draw  him  taking  the  leap. 
And  having  gained  breath  as  he  magnified  it,  and  having 
duly  congratulated  himself  upon  his  escape,  he  oiit  with 
his  horn  and  blew  his  hounds  together,  leaving  Hardpye 
Hill  as  he  came,  and  entering  among  the  anathemas  in 
his  Journal  the  following:— 

"  Con-found  all  farmers,  say  I,  wot  don't  tie  up  their 
bulls ! " 

A  bad  beginning  in  this  case  did  not  make  a  good 
ending,  for  thovigh  our  Master  drew  on  till  dark,  which 
it  was  at  half -past  two,  he  never  had  a  touch  of  a  fox, 
and  he  sent  word  to  Gollarfield,  by  the  mole-catcher, 
that  he  was  a  "reg'lar  'unibug,"  and  Pigg  desired  the 
man  to  add  that  he  would  fight  him  for  what  he  pleased. 


i 


CHAPTER  XL VII 

JAMES     PIGG     again!!! 

The  smuggler  was  right  in  his  estimate  of  Piggs 
abilities,  for,  in  addition  to  his  great  talents  for  hunt- 
ing, he  had  a  tvuTi  for  low  gamuling.  which  the  uninitiated 
sometimes  confuse  with  legitimate  sporting.  Among 
other  things,  he  was  in  the  habit  of  betting  on  the 
weight  of  people's  pigs,  backing  his  own  opinion  as 
to  what  they  were,  or  would  feed  up  to.  against  the 
opinions  of  others ;  quite  as  useful  and  praiseworthy  a 
jjursuit,  by  the  way,  as  people  backing  horses  they  have 
never  seen,  and  over  whose  running  they  can  exercise 
no  control :  be  that  as  it  may.  however,  Pigg  was  in  the 
habit  of  exercising  his  judgment  in  that  way.  and  had 
been  highly  successful  at  Hundley  Cross.  He  had  come 
nearer  the  weight  of  Giles  Jollyjowle's  pig  than  eleven 
others,  and  had  comjdetely  distanced  all  competitors  in 
his  estimate  of  Blash.  the  barl:)or'8,  Hampshire  liogs. 
He  had  also  carried  off  the  sweepstakes  at  two  goose 
clubs,  and  received  the  second  prize  in  a  race  for  a  hat. 
In  additi(jn  to  all  tliis,  his  "cousin'  Deavillxjger,  who, 
notwithstanding  llioir  little  differences  about  hunting, 
had  still  a  sort  of  sneaking  regard  for  "  wor  James,"'  had 
marked  his  appreciation  of  tlie  festive  season  of  the  year, 
by  sending  him  a  large  grey  hen  of  whiskey,  so  that, 
what  with  his  winnings  and  it.  James  was  generally  in  a 
state  of  half  fuddle.  He  wdhM  take  as  much  as  he  could 
manage  if  kef)t  fjuiet.  and  more  than  he  could  manage  if 
put  into  motion.  Now,  as  bad  luck  would  hav<!  it.  our 
uneasy,  insatiable  Ma.ster,  wishing  to  r(;trievc  his  blank 
day  l)efr)re  the  usual  8toi)|)age  of  the  season,  thought 
U)  get  something  out  of  the  fii'e  by  a  (|ui<'t  "byo"  at 
Newtimlwr  Forost.  the  scone  nf  his  former  misfcirtunes. 
Pigg.  who  had  just  jmid  his  second  morning  visit  to  the 
hen.  did  not  make  any  decided  f)bjection  t'l  the  jirojiosal. 
backed  as  it  was  by  Mr.  JfUTocks's  plausiiile  oliservation, 
that  at  that  critical  season  of  the  year  it  "  be'oved  them 
to  get  evcj-y  day  they  po.sHihly  could, "  and  it  wasi  not 


446  HANDLE Y  CROSS 

imtil  they  reached  the  Coi^perchink  Gate,  and  PiRg 
pressed  a  sovereign  on  the  woman's  acceptance  for 
the  toll,  desiring  her,  when  told  to  wait  for  his  change, 
to  "  keep  it,"  adding,  that  their  "  'ard  master  had 
plenty  o'  brass,"  that  Jorrocks  was  aware  how  matters 
stood.  Recollecting,  however,  the  "  Cat  and  Custard- 
pot  "  scene,  Mr.  Jon-ocks  did  not  make  any  obser- 
vation, biit  quietly  getting  his  silver,  trotted  on  as  if 
it  was  "all  right,"  hoping  Pigg  would  sober  as  he 
went.  When  they  got  to  Foggythorpe  Green,  where  the 
road  diverges  through  the  fields,  another  scene  occurred. 
Pigg  wanted  to  pay  the  field-gates,  and  hoUoaed  at  a 
woman  who  happened  to  be  passing,  to  "  tak'  her 
money,"  tendering  a  shilling,  as  if  he  had  been  kept 
waiting  at  a  tumpike-gate  for  an  hour.  Next,  as  he 
was  making,  as  he  thought,  a  most  sagacious  steer 
through  a  gate,  his  eye  deceived  him  as  to  the  number  of 
posts,  and,  catching  by  his  toe,  he  was  swept  head 
foremost  off  into  a  complete  hip-bath  of  mud.  He  was 
too  vnse,  however,  to  let  go  his  hold  of  the  bridle,  and 
as  the  horse  kept  smelling  at  him  as  he  lay  under  his 
nose,  Pigg  kept  vociferating,  "  Sink,  tliey  dinna  mak 
their  yets  hafe  wide  enough  I  They  dinna  mak  their 
yets  hafe  wide  enough,  ar  say!"  At  length  Mr.  JoiTocks 
got  him  raised  and  scraped,  and  stuck  straight  on  his 
horse,  and  they  proceeded  on  their  course  together. 
Arrived  at  the  wood,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  thinking  the  best 
plan  would  be  to  humoui-  him,  said  if  Pigg  would  go 
one  way,  he  would  go  the  other,  which  James  assenting 
to,  the  hounds  dashed  into  cover,  and  master  and  man 
proceeded  to  "  yoicks  "  and  crack  their  whips,  having 
the  hounds  in  a  widening  space  between  them.  The 
wood  was  thick  and  rough,  and  as  JoiTocks  proceeded, 
Pigg's  unearthly  notes  gradually  died  out,  and  our 
Master  had  all  the  noise  to  himself.  Being  fond  of  the 
sound  of  his  own  voice,  he  proceeded,  yoicking  and 
cracking  his  whip,  exhorting  the  hounds  to  "  find  'im," 
and  keeping  a  good  lookout  a-head,  when  to  his  surprise, 
at  a  cross  ride,  Pigg's  horse  came  snorting  a,nd  canter- 
ing towards  him.  Pigg,  feeling  uncomfortable,  had  laid 
down  to  sleep,  and  left  his  horse  to  his  own  devices. 
"  W-o-a-y,  my  man!  W-o-a-y!  "  crted  Jorrocks,  fishing 
at  him  with  his  whip  as  he  approached,  which  only 
caused  the  horse  to  start  and  rush  past  him  at  a  gallop. 
■  W-H-o-A-Y,  my  man."  roared  Jorrocks,  as  the  horse 
went  scuttling  down  the  ride  without  rhyme  or  reason. 
"Con-found  the  hanimal,"  continued  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  as 


JAMES   PIGG   AGAIN  4t7 

he  eyed  him  staring:  about  from  side  to  side  with  the 
reins  all  dangling'  about  his  feet.  "  Con-foimd  the 
hanimal,"  repeated  he,  "  was  there  ever  sich  a  daft  divil 
as  that  ?• — was  there  ever  sich  a  misfoi-tiinit  indiwidiial 
as  John  JoiTocks  ?  Cuss  that  Pigg,  I  wish  I'd  never 
seen  him  —  worst  warmint  I  ever  knew.  Yoicks, 
Lavender,  good  l)etch !  Bet  a  guinea  'at  we  find  a 
fox,  and  the  'oiuids  nxn  clean  away  from  me.  Lose 
either  them  or  my  dinner,  or  both.  Well,"  continued 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  spim-ing  on  to  where  Lavender  was 
feathering, — "well,  needs  must  when  a  certain  old 
gen'l'man  drives,  but  if  I  'ad  my  own  way,  it  would  be 
'  'ome,  sweet  'ome,'  for  me.  Dul^lin  Bay  'addocks,  with 
appropriate  sauce,  goose,  and  hapi)le  pye.  Oh  dear ! 
A  fox  !  for  a  'underd ;  a  fox !  for  anything  that  anybody 
likes  to  say,"  continued  our  Master,  staring  his  eyes  out 
as  he  gets  his  horse  short  by  the  head.  "Now  for  ten 
miles  as  the  crow  flies,  with  ten  bottomless  bracks,  and 
Berwickshire  doubles  without  end.  Ah !  thank  'eavens 
it's  not!  '  continued  he,  as  a  great  banging  hare  bounced 
out  of  the  wood,  and  took  do^vn  the  ride  with  Lavender 
full  cry  after  her,  and  Jorrocks  cracking  his  whip  full 
cry  after  Lavender.  At  length  he  stopped  her,  and 
taking  advantage  of  the  partial  scoring  to  cry  off  the 
hounds,  he  out  with  his  honi  and  blew  a  shrill  reverbe- 
rating blast  that  drew  out  the  rest,  and  away  he  rode 
with  tlie  hounds  all  clustering  about  his  horse's  heels  as 
if  he  was  going  to  lay  them  on  to  a  scent,  but  in  reality 
to  get  them  out  of  cover.  The  honi  ojierated  doulily, 
for  a  smock-frocked  countiyman,  having  caught  Pigg's 
horsp,  came  cantering  up  to  its  sound,  and  Jorrocks 
and  he  were  presently  on  the  Woodford  and  Handley 
Cross  road.  Promisiug  the  man  half  a  crown  and  his 
dinner  for  seeing  him  safe  home,  Mr.  Jornxdcs  started 
away  at  a  brisk  trot,  hoping  he  was  getting  rid  of  Pigg 
for  good.  And  when  "  wor  James'  awoke,  and  learnt 
from  a  tHpe-sclling  tramp  what  had  liappened,  he  was 
very  wrath,  ami  vowe<l  "he  wadn't  stand  such  work — 
he  watln't  be  robbed  in  tliat  sort  of  way  no,  he  wadn't. 
He'd  liev  redress.  Ht;'d  liev  justice — yin,  he'd  hev 
Justice  he  wadn't  be  treated  in  (hat  sort  of  way;"  and 
he  talked  and  fretted  himself  into  believing  that  he  had 
been  most  infanioiisly  used.  Finding  tiiere  was  a  magis- 
trate in  the  neighbouring  village  of  Y'elverton,  thitliei- 
lie  directed  Ida  steps,  and  gaining  an  audience,  boldly 
accused  his  master  of  Kteiiling  hin  liorHc,  and  applied  for 
a  warrant  for  his  apprehension.     The  justice,  seeing  tlie 


148  HANDLEY  CROSS 

iiuuulliu  state  lie  was  iu,  humoiu'ed  the  application,  l)ut 
pvetciidiiif?  it  would  be  necessary,  in  consequence  of  a 
recent  decision  tliat  a  man  may  help  himself  to  a  horse 
to  forward  him  on  a  journey,  to  see  that  Mr.  Jorrocks 
had  not  taken  it  for  that  purpose,  he  ^ot  Pi^fT  into  his 
dog-cart  and  had  him  driven  over  to  Handley  Cross. 

And  when  Mr.  Jon'ocks  reproved  him  for  his  impro- 
prieties, he  replied  that  he  (Jorrocks)  "  had  ne  business 
out  a  hontin'  on  a  drinkin'  day." 


CHAPTER  XL VIII 

MR.    JORROCKS'S   JOURNAL 

We  will  aKain  have  recourse  to  our  Avorthy  friend's 
journal  for  an  outline  of  such  proceedings  as  are  not  of 
sufficient  importance  to  demand  separate  chapters  to 
themselves.     The  following  seems  an  original  idea. 

"  Notice  from  the  churchwardens  and  overseers,  that 
in  consequence  of  several  mad  dogs  havin'  made  their 
appeai-ance,  all  dogs  were  to  be  muzzl'd,  and  requirin' 
me  to  see  that  the  'oimds  were  properly  muzzl'd  before 
they  went  out  to  hunt.  Wrote  and  told  them  I  didn't 
Ijelieve  there  were  sucli  a  set  of  jackasses  in  Her 
Majesty's  dominions  as  to  suppose  an  M.F.H.  woidd  go 
out  with  a  pack  of  muzzled  hounds. — Absurd !  This  is 
MeUo's  doing.     Will  pay  him  off. 

"  New  Year's  Da//.— Sicli  a  crowd !  Sich  compliments 
of  the  season,  and  sich  screws.  Old  Doleful  grinnin' 
about  on  Fair  Rosamond  like  Death  on  the  Pale  'Oss. 
Found  in  the  Cloud  Quarries,  but  might  as  well  have 
l^en  in  the  clouds,  the  held  surrounded  it  so  and  drove 
the  fox  into  the  mouth  of  the  'ounds.  A  young  gentle- 
luan  in  nankeens  and  patent  leather  boots,  rode  over  old 
Barbara.  '  That's  right  I '  exclaimed  Pigg,  '  ride  amang 
'em I— ride  amang  em!  Kill  a  hund  or  two;  we've 
plenty  mair  at  liyem !  It  mun  l)e  a  poor  concern  that 
won't  stjind  a  liun<l  a-day.'  Differ  from  Pigg  there 
though.  Howsomever,  old  Bai-bai-a  ain't  wortli  much. 
Declared  slie  was  the  l)e8t  in  the  pack  notwitlistandin'. 

"  Shnnilnti  .S'«/(v//.  -  Batsay  brought  up  sliavin'  water, 
saying  Binjimin  wislied  to  be  excused  'untiiig,  iiavin' 
got  the  gout.  All  UKjoriKhine,  I  dare  say!  Boy  lias  no 
jiassion  for  the  cliase.  Have  a  good  mind  to  stuff'  him 
full  of  Hunter's  pills,  and  see  if  they  will  have  any 
effect  upon  him.  Wot  business  has  a  boy  like  him  with 
the  gout!  Only  for  rear-iidmiralH.  town  couiihcIIois, 
and  such  like  cocks.  Caught  ('harlcy  piiicliin'  lk'liuil;i 
under  the  table.  Mouiite<l  him  on  Xerxes,  as  Ben 
couldn't  go.  Largish  field.  (Japtain  Tliompson  (who 
never  pays  his  i'U)  observed  he  never  saw  a  pack  of  fox- 
hounds without  a  whip  before,  and  muttered  somcthin' 


450  HANDLEY  CROSS 

about  Master  liviii'  out  of  the  hounds.     Shall  set  Fleecy 
at  him. 

"  Drew  Longford  Plantations ;  then  on  to  Fawsley 
Wood.  Found  immediately,  but  Reynard  inclined  to 
hang  in  cover.  No  great  scent  either,  but  cover  sur- 
rounded with  foot  people  and  little  holiday  boys.  Bin 
useful  in  coaxin'  them  into  crowds,  to  listen  to  his 
'  hallegations,'  as  he  calls  his  lies.  At  length  Reynard 
broke  from  the  west  end,  and  made  straight  for  Iver 
Heath,  rimnin'  a  wide  circuit  by  Staunton  Snivey,  and 
over  the  hill  up  to  Bybury  Wood.  Scent  poor  and  pace 
bad.  All  the  holiday  hobbledehoy  boys  treadin'  on  the 
'oimds'  tails.  A  short  check  at  Fanner  Hayband's,  and 
thought  all  was  over,  when  Priestess  hit  it  oft"  in  a  grass 
field  Vjehind  the  barn,  and  away  they  went  with  the 
scent  improviu'  at  every  yard.  Pace  changed  from  an 
'unting  i-un  to  a  reg'lar  bust,  and  quite  straight  over  the 
cream  of  the  country. 

"  How  the  tail  lengthened !  A  quarter  of  a  mile, 
increasin'  as  they  went.  Young  gen'lemen,  charged  to 
bring  home  the  brush,  found  their  gi-ass  ironies  beginnin' 
to  gape.  Captain  Shoi-tflat  made  Duncan  Nevin's  mare 
cry  Capevi  on  Hutton  Bank  top,  and  many  bein'  anxious 
to  give  in,  great  was  the  assistance  he  received.  Major 
Spanker  would  bleed  her  in  the  jugular,  Mr.  Wells 
thought  the  thigh  vein,  and  another  thought  the  toe, 
so  that  the  mare  stood  a  good  chance  of  bein'  bled  to 
death,  if  Duncan's  man  who  was  cruising  about  hadn't 
fortinately  cast  up  and  saved  her  from  her  frinds. 

*'  On  the  hounds  went  for  Crew,  passing  Limbury, 
leaving  Argod  Dingle  to  the  right,  over  tlie  Lily-white 
Sand  Railway  near  the  station  at  Stope,  pointing  for 
Gore  Cross,  the  fox  finally  taking  refuge  in  a  pig-sty 
behind  the  lodge  of  Button  Park.  Piggy  at  home  and 
unfortxmately  killed,  but  who  w^ould  grudge  a  pig  after 
such  a  werry  fine  I'un .-' 

"Pigg  rode  like  a  tnimp! — seven  falls — knocked  a 
rood  of  brick--\vall  dovni  with  his  'ead.  What  a  nob  that 
must  be !  Charley  left  one  of  his  Yorkshire  coat-laps  in 
a  hedge— Bamington  lost  his  hat— Hudson  his  whip — Mr. 
Ramshay  a  stirrup,  and  Captain  Martyn  his  cigar-case. 
Only  seven  up  out  of  a  field  of  sixty— day  fine  and  bright 
— atmosjjhere  clear,  as  if  inclining  for  frost — hope  not. 

"Jan.  1th. — Reg'l.'ir  decided  black  frost — country  iron- 
]>ound — landscape  contracted — roads  di'y  as  bones — 
mud  scrapins  like  granite— never  saw  so  sudden  a 
change ;    thought  yesterday  it  looked  like  somethiu' ; 


MR.   JOREOCKS'S  JODRNAL  451 

the  day  changed,  and  hounds  i"an  so  hard  in  the  after- 
noon ;  Figg  thinks  it  won't  last,  but  I  think  it  will ; 
'oi:)es  he'll  be  right. 

■■  8t/t. — Frost  semper  eadem,  'arder  and  'arder,  as  Ego 
would  say;  windows  frost  fretted — laurels  niijped — 
water-jugs  frozen — shavin'-brush  stiff — sponge  stuck  to 
water-bottle,  and  towel  'ard.  Pigg  still  says  it  won't 
last — wish  he  may  be  right — little  hail  towards  night. 

"  9///. — Alternate  sun  and  clouds — sliglit  powderin'  of 
snow  on  cold  and  exposed  places — largish  flakes  began 
to  fall  towards  afternoon,  and  wind  got  iip— purpleish 
sunset— walked  hounds  before  Sulphur  Wells  Hall, 
after  feedin',  but  they  had  a  cold,  dingy  look,  and  I 
hadn't  heart  to  blow  my  'orn.  Gabriel  Junks  doesn't 
seem  to  care  about  the  cold,  and  gives  no  indication  of 
a  change — Oh,  for  one  of  his  screams  ! 

"  10///. — Awoke,  and  foimd  the  country  under  two  feet 
of  snow.  Well,  it's  always  somethin'  to  know  the  worst, 
and  be  put  out  of  suspense.  Wind  high,  and  drifted 
a  large  snow-wreath  before  the  garden-gate — tempester- 
some  day — Can't  stir  out  without  gettin'  up  to  the  hocks 
in  snow.  Desired  Binjimin  to  sweep  the  way  to  the 
stable  and  kennel.  Boy  got  a  broom,  and  began  'issing 
as  if  he  were  cleanin'  an  'oss.  Letter  from  Giles  Short- 
land,  requestin'  the  M.F.H.  to  subscribe  to  a  ploughin' 
match  at  Tew.  Answered  that  I  should  be  werry  "appy 
to  subscri]>r',  and  wish  I  could  see  tliem  at  work.  Old 
Dame  Tussac  came  with  eight  turkey-heads  in  a  bag — 
fox  had  killed  them  last  night,  and  she  wanted  pay. 
Tlie  l)odie8  were  at  home— told  her  to  bring  the  bodies 
—  will  make  weiTy  good  stock  for  soup:  one  doesn't 
know  Imt  she  may  have  sold  tlie  bodies.  Wrote  Bowker 
to  go  self  and  wife  to  sh^ep  in  my  Ijcd  in  Great  Coram 
Street,  to  get  it  well  haired.  Sliall  run  up  to  to^vn  and 
see  the  pantomine.  and  how  things  go  on  at  the  sliop. 

"Old  Dolofiil  called  witli  a  requisition  for  me  to  give 
a  Hportin'  lc<"t()r  -axed  wot  I  sliovdd  lector  iqion-  said 
lie  tlioiight  '8<;ent'  woubl  he  a  very  good  Hul)ject.  Told 
him,  ail  that  could  he  said  aljout  scnut  was  tliat  it  was 
a  werry  queer  thing.  Nothin'  so  queer  as  scent  'cept  a 
woman.  Told  him  lo  compose  .an  firation  ujion  it  him- 
8«df  if  hf;  could.  lIi-  tlicn  siiiil  Huiiiiin'riiig  the  'unter 
would  he  a  gooil  Hiihj<!i't.  'J'ohl  him  tli;it  com  and  a  nin 
in  the  ciirriagc  was  tin;  tmi"  wiiy  of  summci-ing  the 
'unter.  Ridin'  U>  'cmnds  he  then  thougiit  would  do. 
Told  liim  I  wasn't  a  '  <r-u-r-r  :ilongI  then;  nro  three 
couple  of  'ounds  on  the  scent'  man  at  all,  and  ridin' 


452  HANDLEY   CROSS 

arter  'oimds  wouldn't  draw.  Didn't  seem  to  take  the 
difference,  l)ut  took  his  departure,  which  was  just  as 
well. 

"LETTER   FROM  BOWKER. 

'"Honoured  Sir,— Yours  is  received,  and  Mrs.  B. 
and  I  will  be  proud  to  act  the  i)art  of  warining-]ians.  I 
suppose  we  may  expect  you  in  a  day  or  two.  You  will 
be  son-y  to  hear  that  poor  Billy  was  hung  this  moi-ning. 
He  died^  game.  As  it  was  strongly  suspected  he  had 
accomplices,  a  mitigation  of  punishment  was  oifered  if 
he  would  disclose  his  confederates.  Billy  listened 
sullenly  to  the  offer,  and  passing  his  fingers  through  his 
thick  curly  hair,  he  said,  "  Look  here,  masters,  if  every 
hair  on  this  head  was  a  life,  I  wouldn't  peach  to  save  a 
single  one."  At  length  he  confessed — "  /  did  hail  the 
exciseman  !  "  said  he.  Poor  Billy !  All  the  little  beggarly 
boys,  and  hoarse-throated  scoundrels  in  the  town  are 
screaming  his  dying  speech  and  confession  about,  when 
"  I  did  hoil  the  exciseman,"  wds  all  that  he  said.  I  am 
gi'eatly  distressed  at  poor  Billy's  fate. 

'  Take  him  for  all  and  all, 
We  ne'er  shall  looked  upon  his  like  a^ain.' 

"  '  London  is  suicidically  gloomy  to-day — I  feel  as  if  I 
could  cut  my  throat — woiild  that  I  could  leave  it ! — But 

'  The  lottery  of  my  destiny 
Bars  me  the  right  of  voluntary  choosiug." 

" '  I'm  about  tired  of  Old  Twist.  Our  business  is  fast 
falling  off,  aud  an  old  man's  trade  never  rallies.  Might 
I  take  the  liberty  of  asking  if  you  think  a  snuff  and 
cigar  shop  would  answer  at  Handley  Cross  P  I  have  a 
splendid  new  nigger,  five  feet  six,  with  a  coronet  full  of 
party-coloured  feathers  on  his  head,  a  sky-blue  jacket 
with  gold  lace,  and  a  pair  of  broad  i"ed-striped  trousers, 
leaving  half  his  black  thighs  bare,  that  I  thought  of 
setting  at  the  door  in  Eagle  Street,  but  would  reserve 
him  for  the  Cross,  if  you  thought  it  would  do.  Of 
course,  I  would  carry  on  business  in  Eagle  Street  as  well 
— at  least  for  the  ijresent ;  but  1  have  plenty  of  canisters, 
wooden  rolls  of  tobacco  to  stock  a  branch  establishment, 
and  Mrs.  Bowker  fancies  a  change  of  air  would  do  her 
asthma  good.  Pray  excuse  the  freedom,  and  believe  me 
to  remain, 

" '  Dear  Sir, 

'■ '  You)-s  most  respectfully, 

'"  Wm.  Bowker. 

"'To   J.    JOKHOCK^,    EBIJ.'  " 


CHAPTER  XLIX 

THE   CUT-'EM-DOWN   CAPTAIN'S   QUADS 

Christmas,  that  witbevingr.  relentless  season,  that  brings 
so  many  peojile  short  up,  having  exercised  its  bligbtingf 
influence  on  our  cut-'em-down  captain,  the  foUowinof 
hand-bill,  havinj?  paid  a  visit  to  St.  Botolph's  Lane, 
arrived  in  due  course  at  Handley  Cross,  "  with  Mi-. 
Castor's  compos."  written  inside  the  envelope:— 

HUNTERS  FOR  SALE. 

TO  BK  .SOLD    IJV   AUCTION,  AT   TWELVE   O'CLOCK   ON 
WEDNESDAY   NEXT, 

By  MR.   TAPPINGTON, 

IN  THE    IMPERL^L   HOTEL   YARD,   LOOPLINE, 

(The  property  of  an  Officer  goinp  Abroad),  the  fullowinff  very  superior 

HORSES, 

well  known  with  Sir  Perecrrine  Cropper's  nnd  Mr.  Slasher's  hounds. 

iRt.— Tai.avf.ka,  a  Itrown  buy,  with  black  points,  7  years  old,  nearly 

tVioroU(;h  bred. 
2nd.— CoEU.N  N  \,  a  bripht  chestnat,  or  bitter-l)cor  colour,  8  years  old, 

also  nearly  thorough  breil. 
Loopline  ia  at  the  Junction  of  the  Jiily -White  Sand  with  the  Gravelsin 

and  Bofxller  Railways,  and  Trains  Btop  there  every  hour. 

Ix)Opline. 

"  Humph."  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  reading  it  at  breakfast 
as  he  di-y-fihaved  liin  chin.  "  Humph— pot  to  the  end  of 
Ilia  tetlier.  lias  ha?  tli<)ii(,'ht 'ow  it  would  be— Not  '/actly 
the  time  for  buyiu'  <|iia<lH  tlionpli,  with  a  yard  and  a  'alf 
of  snow  on  tlio  trronnd ;  'owHouievcr,  tliat  'ill  miike  'em 
easier  hou^^'ht  la'aj^s.  All  the  swolls  will  bo  luii)  in  town 
seeinj;  their  aunts  or  K«^^'ttin'  their  'airs  cut.  May  as 
well  ave  a  ride  in  the  rail  as  poke  iiboiit  i'  the  snow- 
shall  tro  second  class  thoupli,"  adding,' 

"  X  was  expensive  and  soon  beciinio  poor, 

"  V  was  the  wiho  man  and  k'-pt  want  from  the  door." 

Accordinj?ly  on  the  appointed  day,  our  Master,  havinjf 
filled  one  jmnlalcion  jxx-ket  with  sovereif^ns  and  five 
pound  not*?H,  and  I  lie  other  with  Hani|)leH  of  tea.  proceeded 
on  his  destination,  telling?  Mrs.  Jorrocka  he  wjis  Roinp  to 


454  HANDLEY   CROSS 

meet  Biicffrinson.  Screech — hiss— whistle,  roll,  rattle, 
roll — poi-ter !  what's  this  station  ? — whistle  -  -hiss — screech 
— roll,  rattle,  roll,  "tickets  ready,  please,  Loopline 
station  !  Loopline  station  !  change  here  for  the  Boodler 
line,"  and  he  was  there. 

Loopline,  with  its  ])iles  of  dirty  snow  and  yards  of 
icicles,  looked  very  different  to  what  it  did  on  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  former  visit,  and  even  Castors  seemed  greatly 
the  worse  for  wear.  The  Captain's  horses  having,  in  his 
judgment,  nearly  completed  the  awkward  exploit  of 
eating  their  heads  off  before  the  storm  came,  he  felt 
morally  certain  that  it  would  last  for  six  weeks  or 
two  months,  which  would  leave  him  desperately  in  the 
lurch.  The  consequence  was  he  had  taken  it  uncom- 
monly to  heart,  and  his  InifE  waistcoat  and  drah  shorts 
and  continuations  were  a  good  deal  roomier. 

"  Well,  old  bony, 'ow  goes  it?"  asked  Jorrocks,  greeting 
him  familiarly  as  he  found  him  pacing  restlessly  np  and 
down  the  stable  yard. 

"  Oh !  sir.  mister,  mister,  mister,"  replied  Castors, 
not  being  able  to  hit  off  the  name.  "Oh  !  sir,  I've  been 
hill,  desperate  hill.  I've  'ad  the  lumbago,  sir,  to  an 
extent,  sir.  that's  'ardly  creditable,  sir."' 

'■  You  don't  say  so,"  observed  Mr.  Joi-rccks  com- 
passionately ;  "  why  don't  you  take  a  leetle  o'  the  old 
remedy — 'ot  with — " 

"  Ah,  'ot  with,"  sighed  Castors  with  a  shake  of  his 
head,  as  he  fixed  his  watei'y  grey  eyes  earnestly  on 
JoiTOcks,  to  see  if  he  was  not  one  of  the  many  customers 
with  whom  he  drunk  for  the  "  good  of  the  house."  "  Ah, 
'ot  with,  indeed  ! "  repeated  he,  as  if  nothing  loth  to  try 
the  remedy. 

"  Yon  don't  want  to  buy  any  tea  ?  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
producing  a  sample  as  he  spoke. 

"  Oh,  it's  Mr.  Jorrocks ! "  now  exclaimed  Castors, 
brightening  up,  "  it's  Mr.  Jorrocks, — you'd  get  a  bill 
from  me,  sir,  didn't  ye  ?  a  bill  'bout  the  capting's  'osses, 
ye  know.     You  told  me  to  send  you  one,  you  know." 

"Ah.  'osses.  indeed,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "  No  time 
this  for  buying  'osses,  old  bouy-^ glass  down  to  fecit — 
country  bund  hup  in  a  hiron  frost  and  like  to  continue 
imder  snow  for  the  next  two  months;"  Mr.  Jorrocks 
breathing  heavily  on  the  bright  pure  atmosphere  as  he 
spoke. 

"  Too  'ard  to  last,  too  'ard  to  last,"  retorted  Castors, 
fidgeting  at  the  observation.  "  Never  know'd  it  stand 
when  it  was  so  desp'rate  'ard,"  added  he,  with  a  heavy 


THE   CTJT-'EM-DOWN   CAPTAIN's   (iXJADS  455 

emphasis  on  the  "desp'rate."  How  he  wished  the 
Captain  had  gone  to  the  Cross  Keys,  the  White  Hai-t. 
any  house  bitt  his. 

'•  You'd  better  look  at  the  tea,"  observed  Mr.  Jon-ocks, 
still  holding  the  sample  out  on  the  palm  of  his  hand, 
"•  Tea  "ill  l>e  hup  you'll  see,  and  you'd  better  buy  afore  it 
rises.     This  is  a  lirst  chop  article— Lapsang  Souchong." 

"  Well,  but  I'm  busy  just  now,  I'm  busy  just  now," 
retorted  Castors  testily.  "  Come  after  the  sale,  sir,  come 
after  the  sale,  and  we'll  see  if  we  can  do  business." 

"  Well,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pocketing  the  sample, 
and  buttoning  his  brown  bear  cloth  jacket  comfortably 
up  to  the  throat,  "  I'll  go  into  the  to^vn  and  see  what  I 
can  do  with  the  gi'ocers  there  ; "  so  saying  he  swaggered 
off,  without  noticing  Castors'  exclamation  of  "  You'll  be 
back  to  the  sale  then !  you'll  Ije  back  to  the  sale !  " 

Twelve  o'clock  came,  but  brought  with  it  no  symptoms 
of  a  start— half-past,  and  still  the  same.  Time  is  of 
little  value  in  the  country.  At  length  as  one  o'clock 
drew  near,  a  lank-haired,  seedy-looking  half  boots,  half 
waiter  sort  of  youth  appeared  with  wliat  at  first  sight 
might  have  been  taken  for  a  Punch  and  Judy  show,  but 
which,  on  being  placed  on  tlie  ground,  proved  to  be  the 
auctioneer's  rostrum.  This  was  a  signal  for  sundry 
indolent-looking,  sportingly-attired  Init  horseless  youths, 
;ind  small  dealers  with  their  slangy  attendants,  to  turn 
in,  and  some  dozen  drab-coated  farmers,  for  it  was 
market  day,  and  general  idlers  mingling  witli  the  rest, 
the  auctioneer  swigged  off  the  remains  of  his  tumbler  of 
brandy  and  water,  and  attended  by  a  brilliant  staff,  con- 
sisting of  the  aforesaid  seedy  one,  swaggered  imposingly 
upon  the  scene.  He  was  a  burly,  big-faced,  impudent 
fellow,  witli  a  round  of  whisker,  a  consec|uential  sort  of 
hat.  and  a  corjjoration  so  large  as  to  look  as  \f  he  had 
thriven  in  all  the  (tccupations  he  had  tunied  his  hand  to 
—Hatter,  Wine  Merciiant,  Coal  Merchant,  Accountant, 
Land  Agent.  Temiicrance  Hotel  Keeper,  Stationer, 
Broker,  and  General  Negotiator. 

He  seemed  to  Iw  a  sort  of  character,  for  Ills  ai)i)earance 
wa.s  hailed  with  a  r<)\ind  of  jokes  and  coarse  salutes, 
which  gradually  subsided  into  imiuiries  after  the  health 
of  Mrs.  Tappington  and  the  little;  Taj)H.  Having  n'i)lied 
to  these,  he  ascended  tiie  rostrum,  ami  dealing  his  throat 
with  a  substantial  hem !  commanded  silence,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  read  the  conditions  of  sale;  aft<'r  which 
Talavera  came  trotting  up  to  the  haiuMier. 

"Now,"   said    the    auctioneer,   "will    any   gentleman 


456 


TTANPLEY   CROSS 


with  the  wit  in  ]iis  head  and  the  money  in  hia  poclcet, 
favoiu'  me  with  an  oft'er  for  this  proud  animal,  whose 
worth  is  far  beyond  the  reach  of  my  'umble  imagination  ? 
"  Maice  a  rinsj,  gentlemen,  make  a  ring,"  continued  he, 
motioning  with  his  hand,  adding  to  the  ostler,  "  Trot 
him  round,  and  he'll  soon  enlarge  the  circle  of  our 
acquaintance,"  whereupon  crack  went  the  circus  whip 


MIND    HIH   HEELS  ! 


of  the  man  in  the  middle,  and  round  spun  the  horse 
with  his  heels  in  the  air,  snowballing  the  shrinking 
company  with  the  greatest  precision. 

That  feat  being  accomplished,  he  was  again  trotted 
up  to  the  rising  ground  by  the  rostrum,  where  he  stood 
panting  and  snorting  with  a  watchful  eye,  wondering 
wliat  was  going  to  hapj)en.  "Now,  gentlemen,"  con- 
tinued the  auctioneer,  "  perhaj^s  some  of  you  will  favour 


THE   CUT-'EM-DOWN   CAPTATN's  QUADS 


457 


me  with  an  offer  for  tliis  prond  animal — a  horse,  as  far 
as  my  'umble  judgment  goes,  as  near  pei'fection  as  it  is 
possible  to  imagine.  What  will  any  gentleman  say  for  a 
beginning?" 

"  Ah  I  to  be  sure,"  to  a  dirty-looking  anything-arian, 
who  now  approached  him,  '"ah  I  to  be  sure,  examine  him, 
sir !  examine  him  attentively,  sir !  examine  his  mouth ! 
examine  his  eyes !  examine  his  legs !  examine  his  nose ! 
Well,  what  d'ye  make  of  his  age  ?  " 

"  Seventy-two,"  replied  the  man.  coolly. 

"  Old  enough  for  anything ! "  retorted  the  auctioneer, 
amiil  the  laughter  of  the  company.  ''  What  will  any 
gentleman  say  for  this  gi-and  animal,  with  the   high 


courage  of  a  gentleman,  and  all  the  docility — this  noble 
viewly  lx?a.st,  with  the  nfck  and  chest  descril^ed  in  the 
Vxjok  of  Job  H  Look  at  liis  chest!  look  at  his  loins  !  look 
at  liis  bellows,  hut  miiul  his  heels  !"  added  he,  as  tlie  horse 
began  piuntring  and  kicking  from  the  cold. 

"Ten  g\iineiiK,"  now  offered  the  man  who  li;i<l 
examined  him. 

■'  Ten  guineas  ?  "  retorted  the  auctioneer,  angrily,  "  ten 
guineas  1  you  innat  be  joking;  ten  guineas  for  a  i>rond 
animal  like  tliis  !  You  astonish  liim!  you  insult  him  I 
you  degrade  liim  I  Ten  guineas  for  h\ic1i  a  horse  as  this ! 
It's  a  downright  insult  to  the  whole  animal  creation. 
And  ten  guinean  ■,\\>-  only  bid."  continued  (he  auctioneer, 
lulopting  the  offer,  ami  prf>ceediiig  to  force,  and  screw. 


458  IIANDLEY   CROSS 

and  coiix.  and  exhort,  and  dwell,  in  a  way  tliat  would 
take  Tattersall  at  least  a  week  to  ^et  tbrouKli  mi  ordinary 
Monday's  sale.  At  lenfjth  the  hammer  fell  on  both  the 
proud  animals,  and  on  Flaps,  the  saddler  of  Looi)line, 
declaring  his  principal,  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  found  to  be  tlio 
purchaser  of  both  Talavera  at  twenty-eight,  and  Corunna 
at  thirty  pounds.  Mr.  Jorrocks  then  adjourned  to  in- 
augurate his  purchase  with  brandy  and  water,  and  let 
Castors  know  what  a  great  man  he  really  was.  And 
Castors  was  much  chagrined  to  find  that  Flaps  was  not 
bidding  for  Martin  Greenwood,  of  the  Triumphant 
Chariot  Livery  Stables,  where  he  had  occasional  deal- 
ings, for,  by  very  little  management,  he  could  have  made 
the  Cut-em-down  Captain's  bill  cover  a  good  deal  more 
]Durchase-money.  Mr.  Jorrocks,  however,  luoUifiod  him 
with  the  old  specific,  and  also  succeeded  in  selling  him  a 
coiiple  of  chests  of  tea,  Lapsang  Souchong  and  strong 
Congou — which  he  managed  to  deduct  from  the  price  of 
the  horses.  And  Handley  Cross  being  reduced  to  a  state 
of  perfect  torpor  by  the  frost,  the  news  that  old  Jacky, 
as  they  profanely  called  Mr.  Jorrocks,  had  bought  some 
new  nags,  was  a  great  accommodation,  and  drew  divers 
parties  to  the  station  to  criticize  them  as  they  came. 
Among  others  was  our  old  friend  Mr.  Barnington,  who, 
being  struck  with  the  looks  and  action  of  bitter-beer- 
coloured  Corunna,  asked  our  Master  if  he  would  sell 
himP 

"  Oh !  why,  faith,  Barney,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  raising 
bis  eyebrows,  pufl&ng  out  his  cheeks,  dangling  his  seals, 
and  looking  the  very  essence  of  good-natured  innocent 
simplicity;  "  oh  !  why,  faith,  Barney,  I've  never  thought 
o'  nothin'  o'  the  sort,  but  you're  a  good  sort  o'  feller,  and 
sub,sci-ibes  liberal  to  my  'ounds  :  I  doesn't  care  'bout  the 
lucre  o'  gain,  nobody  cares  less  'boiit  money  nor  I  do,  and 
you  may  take  him  for  sixty — take  him  for  sixty,  and  uo 
more  'bout  it."  So  saying,  Mr.  Jorrocks  passed  his  pur- 
chase to  his  friend,  who  felt  flattered  by  the  favour,  and 
complimented  Pigg  with  a  sovereign. 

Pigg,  too,  was  pleased  with  the  horse  that  went  into 
his  stud,  so  that  altogether  our  Master  did  pretty  well — 
cleared  his  railway  expenses,  as  he  said.  The  thing  now 
was,  to  get  a  little  work  out  of  his  establishment,  for  he 
was  no  man  for  keeping  things  to  look  at. 

The  stomi  weighed  heavily  on  Mr.  Jorrocks's  spirits, 
and  James  Pigg  d — d  the  south  country,  and  swore 
"  they  never  had  seek  weather  i'  the  north."  Often  did 
ova-  worthy,  wanning  himself  at  Batsay's  pittance  of  a 


THE   CUT-'EM-DOWN   CAPTAIN's  QUADS  459 

kitchen  fire,  wish  himself  at  DeaTilbog:er'8  never-failiner 

^rute. 

****** 

"  Ar  think  we're  aranniu"  to  have  fi-esh,"'  observed  Pisrs' 
to  his  master  one  day,  as  the  latter  was  paying  his  usual 
lengfthy  visit  to  the  stable. 

"  Have  what  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

'^ Fresh y  repeated  Pigrs'.  with  an  emphasis;  "ye  ken 
what  fresh  weather  is,  dinnat  ye  i-* " 

"  Vy,  no,"  replied  our  Master  thoughtfully ;  "  you  don't 
mean  a  thaw  ?  " 
,ft "  Yeas,  a  thow,"  replied  Pigg. 

"I  vish  we  may!"  exclaimed  Mr,  Jorrocks,  brighteninj? 
up;  "somehow  the  day  feels  softer;  but  the  hair  generally 
is  after  a  fall.  Howsomever,  nous  werrons,  as  we  say  in 
France :  it'll  be  a  long  time  afore  we  can  'unt,  though — 
'edges  will  be  full  o"  snow." 

"Ay,  dike  backs,"  replied  Pigg,  "lies  lang  i'  them;  but 
one  can  always  loup  in,  or  loup  o'er." 

"Ah,  that's  all  wen-y  good  talkin',"  observed  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  shaking  his  head,  and  jingling  the  silver  in 
his  breeches  pocket;  "that's  werry  good  talkin'," 
relocated  he,  "but  there  are  sich  things  as  'osses'  necks 
to  be  considei'ed." 

"A  !  but  if  ar'U  risk  mar  neck,  ye  surely  may  risk  yeer 
'osses',"  obsei-ved  Pigg. 

"  Don't  know,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks.  smiling  at  his 
huntsman's  keenness.  "  Fear  we  shalln't  have  a  chance 
in  a  liurry.     Have  you  seen  Junks?" 

"  No,  ar's  not;  the  missis  was  on  the  house-end  as  I 
came  to  stable,  but  Gabriel  weren't  there." 

"Ah,  tlie  missis  is  nothin'."  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  "had 
Gabriel  l)nen  there  it  would  have  been  sumuiut  like; 
good    bird    Mrs.    Junks,    but    hasn't    Gabey's    delicate 

{)erception  'bout  tixi  weatlier— follows— never  takes  a 
ead.  A  scream  from  Galjey  would  give  one  'opes  of 
getting  the  Jenny  Linds  to  work  again."  So  saying  onr 
master  drew  on  his  American  over-shrjcs,  and  returned 
to  the  consolations  of  tin;  cupboard. 

Despite  Mr.  Jorrocks's  fipiiiicin  of  her.  Mrs.  Junks 
was  a  true  i)rophet.  Tiie  next  day,  Gabri(>l  liiiiiHclf 
descended  from  tlie  stable  top  into  the  garden  witli  a 
loud  and  piercing  scream.  His  crest  w:ih  (;rect,  his  neck 
feathers  slightly  rufilcd,  :md  as  he  lifti'd  one  foot  and 
then  the  other  out  of  the  snow,  there  was  an  air  of 
comfort  in  his  walk  that  told  of  other  feelings  than  that 


460  HANDIiET  OKORS 

of  frost.  Mr.  Jorrocks  went  out  at  the  back-door  in  his 
slippers,  and  poking?  his  finger  into  the  snow,  proclaimed 
it  was  a  thaw— a  large  drop  splashing  on  his  wig  con- 
firmed the  judgment — spouts  began  to  trickle,  then  to 
run,  sewers  to  overflow,  streets  stood  in  snow-broth,  and 
the  prospect  of  a  return  to  verdure  and  animation  was 
the  only  consolation  for  wet-footed  walkers.  It  was  a 
decided  thaw.  There  was  a  gentle  wind,  and  the  rain 
fell  soft  and  warm — ^laurels  expanded  to  the  more  genial 
atmosphere,  the  leafless  trees  seemed  to  increase  in  size, 
and  the  lately  distinct  distant  objects  resumed  their 
gray  dimness  in  the  landscape. 

Mr.  Joirocks  soon  began  to  wax  uncommonly  eager, 
and  he,  who  had  reproved  Pigg's  ardour,  now  in  turn 
proposed  a  day — a  quiet  bye.  just  by  their  two  selves,  to 
see  "  'ow  the  country  looked  and  wlien  they  could  begin 
to  advertise."  And  as  luck  would  have  it,  they  fell  in 
with  a  high-conditioned  old  flyer,  who  led  Pigg  such  a 
dance  as  never  was  seen,  and  left  Mr.  Jorrocks  stuck  in 
a  snow-Avreath  in  Eastfield  Lane,  out  of  which  he  had  to 
be  dug  at  an  expense  of  seven  shillings,  the  tinkers  who 
found  him  refusing  to  put  in  a  spade  until  he  said  what 
he'd  give.  That  cooled  our  Master's  courage  for  a  week, 
at  the  end  of  which  time,  things  got  into  working  order, 
and  the  establishment  soon  assumed  such  a  form  as 
tempted  Mr.  Jorrocks  into  the  indiscretion  disclosed  in 
the  following  chapter. 


CHAPTER  L 

POMPONIUS  EGO 

The  j?reat  Mr.  Ego  having  exalted  the  horns  of  the 
principal  hunts  in  the  kingdom,  was  now  spending  his 
time  jjleasantly  between  London  and  Paris— living  at 
Calais— from  whence  he  emerged  at  short  notice  to 
attend  buttering  matches  in  England;  and  the  glowing 
account  he  gave  of  some  great  man's  establishment 
caused  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  pant  for  that  enduring  fame 
which  statuary  and  stationery  best  can  give.  Accord- 
ingly he  made  the  overtuie  contained  in  the  following 
letter:  — 

"Dear  Mr.  Hego, 

"  If  your  intercourse  with  Dukes  and  other  great 
guns  o'  the  world  leaves  any  margin  for  the  doin's  of 
the  pop-guns  o'  the  chase,  I  shall  be  werry  'ai)py  if  you 
will  come  here  and  take  a  look  at  oiu-  most  provincial 
pack.  In  course  I  needn't  tell  you  that  my  'ouse  is  not 
large  enough  to  reciuire  a  kiver  'ack  to  canter  from  the 
dinin'  to  the  drawin'  room,  neither  is  the  pack  on 
a  par  with  many  you  have  seen;  but  I  can  give  you  a 
good  blow-out,  l)oth  in  the  way  of  wittles  and  drink,  and 
shall  l>e  "ai)i>y  to  'put  you  uj),'  as  they  say  in  the  cut- 
me-downs,  on  as  good  a  quad  as  I  can.  and  show  you 
Bich  Bpoi-t  as  the  country  will  afford.  Entre  nous,  as 
we  say  in  Fran<;e,  I  want  t<>  be  famous,  and  you  know 
liow  to  do  it.     In  course  mii»i'.s  the  word. 

■'  Yours  to  serve, 

"John  Jorrocks. 

"  P.S.— Comptw.  to  J\iHuH  Sei/.ehcr  ;iii.l  ;ill  the  ancient 
Romans  wlien  you  write. 

'•  PiHtm  1,'xige,  Unndlc}'  Cronit  S\m. 

"  To  I'OMPOSIIH  Eoo,  Ksg.,  ("BlaiH." 

The  following  is  Mr.  Ego's  answer:— 


462  handley  cross 

"Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  You  reniiud  me  of  Catullus !  None  but  the  old 
Liitian  could  have  put  the  point  as  you  do.  D— m  all 
dukes !  I'm  for  mercantile  life — £  s.  d. — I  shall  have 
f^^reat  satisfaction  in  inspecting  your  pack,  on  Thursday 
next,  which  I  have  no  doi;bt  I  shall  find  all  I  can 
desire.  Pick  me  out  an  easy-going,  sure-footed,  safe- 
leaping  horse,  with  a  light  mouth,  and  let  liim  have  a 
Whippy-saddle  on — I  can't  ride  in  any  other.  I  like  a 
bedroom  with  a  southern  aspect, — the  feathers  above 
the  mattress,  if  you  please ;  wax-candles  and  Eau  de 
Cologne,  will  pitch  the  tune  for  the  rest.  Compliments 
to  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  from,  dear  Jorrocks, 

"  Tours  very  truly, 

"PoMPONius  Ego. 

"P.S.— "What  would  you  like  to  be  done  in?  The 
'Q.  R.,'*  the  'H.  T.,'  'Eraser,'  'Blackwood,'  'New 
Monthly,'    'Encyclopedia,'    'Life,'    'Field,'    'Era,'    or 

v/hat  ? 

"  To  JoHif  JoEROCKs,  Esq., 

"  Master  of  Fox-hound.s, 
"  Diana  Lodge,  Handley  Cross  Spa." 

This  point  being  arranged,  great  preparations  were 
made  for  the  important  event.  Hounds  may  go  on  for 
centuries  without  being  known  beyond  the  limits  of 
their  country,  but  the  one  day  that  brings  the  Inspector- 
General  lives  for  ever  in  the  page  of  history.  Where, 
then,  is  the  master  of  hounds,  where  the  huntsman, 
where  the  whip,  wliere  the  member  of  a  hunt,  whose 
heart  does  not  beat  responsive  with  Mr.  JoiTOcks'  on 
this  trying  occasion  ?  Who,  in  the  familiar  language  of 
low  life,  does  not  wish  him  well  out  of  it  ? 

*  *  *  *  *  # 

"  Now,  James,"  said  our  Master  to  his  huntsman,  as 
they  stood  in  the  kennel-yard  looking  over  the  hounds, 
a  few  days  before  the  appointed  visit,  "  you  must  get  all 
on  the  square ;  the  great  Pomponius  Hego  is  a  comiu', 
and  we  shall  be  all  down  in  black  and  wite." 

"  Whe's  he  ?"  inquired  Pigg,  scratching  his  head. 

"  Vot !  not  know  Pomponius  Hego ! "  exclaimed  Mr. 

*  "Q.R."  stands  for  "Quarterly  Review;"  "  H.  T."  for  "Heavy 
Triumvirate,"  which  CHrri^s  the  lead,  known  in  the  trade  as  the  "  Old 
and  Now  Sporting  ilagazinee,"  and  the  "  Sporting  Review." 


POMPONIUS   EGO  463 

JoiTocks,  in  astonisliment ;  "  you  sxu'elie  don't  mean  to 
say  so." 

"  Ai-'  dinna  ken  him,  ar's  siu'e,"  replied  Pigs,  with  the 
gi'eatest  indifference.     "  Is  he  a  skeuhuaister  ?  " 

■'  A  skeulmaister  1 "  repeated  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  with  a 
sneer  and  an  indignant  curl  of  his  lip ;  "  a  skeulmaister  ! 
No  ! — A  master  of  'unting — not  an  M.F.H.,  like  me,  but 
a  man  wot  makes  hobserwations  on  M.F.H.'s,  their 
packs,  their  'osses,  their  'untsmen— their  everything,  in 
fact. 

"  What's  he  de  that  for  ? "  inquired  Pigg,  with 
suiiirise. 

'■  Vy,  that  the  world  at  large  may  know  wlnit  he 
thinks  on  'em,  to  be  sure.  He  prints  all  he  sees,  hears, 
or  thinks  in  a  book." 

Pigg. — '■  Ye  dinna  say  se ! " 

"  Quite  true,  I  as.sure  you,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks ; 
"  and  if  Vjj'  any  unlucky  chance  he  blames  an  "iints- 
maa,  or  condemns  a  pack,  it's  all  dickey  with  them  for 
ever;  for  no  livin'  man  dare  contradict  him,  and  every 
one  swears  by  wot  he  says." 

"  Woons,  man,"  replied  Pigg,  in  a  pucker,  "  we  maun 
l>e  uncommon  kittle  then,  ar  guess." 

'■  Yon  must  exert  your  hutmost  powers,"  replied  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  most  emphatically ;  '*  for  dash  my  vig,  if  we 
fail,  I,  even  I — John  Jorrocks  himself,  will  go  perfectly 
mad  with  rage  and  wexation." 

"  He'll  ken  all  aboot  the  huiids  and  himtin'  then, 
ar's  warn'd,"  replied  Pigg,  catching  the  infection  of 
fear. 

Mr.  JoiTocks. — "  Oh,  yes  ! — at  least  he  writes  about 
them  ;  and  no  one  disputes  piint.  Oh,  dear  !  oh,  dear  ! 
I  almost  fear  I've  made  a  mess  o'  myself,  by  axin'  of 
him  to  come.  I  (juestion  if  the  world  would  not  have 
V>een  as  appy  without  the  miglity  Hogo.  Hoil,  Imttcv, 
sugar,  soap,  all  that  sort  o'  thing  is  werry  i)l(!asant ;  hut 
tlien  (ill,  orror  1  the  idea  of  being  nibbed  the  wrong 
way  by  Hego  !     Death  itself  would  i>o  better  !  " 

Pigg. — "  Hout,  t^)ut !— fear  nout !  there's  nout  to  boggle 
a  man  !  Gin  I  were  ye,  with  all  yeer  ]ji-as8,  ar'  wadn't 
care  for  neone." 

Mr.  Jon-ocks.— "  All  I  Imt,  Pigg!  think  of  ImnibHion! 
— think  of  lame!  -think  of  that  Hummnt  arter  life  wot 
pronijjtH  men  U)  great  hactions !  llere,  for  five-and-thirty 
years,  have  I  Ijeen  a  liard(;nt  follower  of  thochaHc  loved 
it,  oil,  'oavfiisl  for  its  own  sako,  iind  not  from  iiny  lianxi- 
(jus  longins  arter  himmortality !  and  now,  when  greatness 


464  HANDLEY   CROSS 

has  been  thrust  upon  me— when  I  shines  forth  au  M.F.H. 
— to  think  that  all  may  Ije  dashed  from  me,  and  'stead 
of  reignin'  King  of  'Andley  Cross — 'stead  of  bein'  th«! 
great  and  renowned  John  Jorrocks — I  may  be  dashed 
t'  oblivion  !  Oh,  Pigg ! — hambition  is  a  frightful,  a 
di-eadful  thing ! " 

Pigg. — "Hout,  tout,  fear  nout.  Does  he  ride,  or 
nabbut  looks  at  pack  at  cover-soide  loike  ?  " 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "  Both,  both — fust,  he'll  come  and  look 
us  all  over,  ax  the  name  of  this  'ound  and  that — call  'em 
level^inquire  'ow  each  is  bred — talk  of  Hosbaldeston's 
Furrier.  Lord  'Enry's  Contest,  or  Sutton's  Trueman — 
look  at  this  nag — then  at  that — ax  their  pedigrees — 
their  hages— their  pi-ices — their  everythings — vether  we 
summers  them  in  the  'ouse  or  in  the  field — do  a  little 
about  'ard  meat — 'ow  much  corn  they  get— if  we  biiiise 
it — vethei'  we  split  our  beans,  or  give  them  whole— then 
when  we  throws  off  he  marks  each  motion — sees  whether 
we  put  in  at  the  right  end  of  the  cover  or  the  wrong  — 
observes  whether  the  men  have  'ands  equal  to  their 
nerves,  or  nerves  equal  to  their  'ands ;  books  their  seats 
and  their  names — not  their  seats  by  the  coach,  mind — • 
but  their  seats  in  the  saddle.  To  read  his  accounts  of 
the  runs  you'd  fancy  he  was  everywhere  at  once,  both 
before,  behind,  and  above — with  the  fox — with  the  'ounds 
— with  the  first  and  with  the  last  man  in  the  field — so 
knowin'ly  does  he  describe  every  twist,  every  turn,  every 
bend  of  the  run.  Oh,  Pigg  !  my  excellent,  my  beautiful 
Pigg !  now  that  the  fatal  day  'j^roaches,  and  I  sees  the 
full  brightness  o'  my  indiscretion  starin'  me  i'  the  face, 
I  begins  to  repent  havin'  axed  him  to  come.  Wot  can 
fame  do  for  Jorrocks  F  I  have  as  mucli  tin  as  I  wants, 
and  needn't  care  a  copper  for  no  num.  Would  tliat  I  was 
well  out  o'  the  mess  !  " 

"  Never  fear,"  replied  Pigg,  "  here  be  good  like  h'unds, 
and  yeer  busses  can  gan;  if  we  de  but  find,  the  deuce  is 
in  it  if  we  don't  cook  him  up  a  run." 

*'  Oh,  Pigg !  my  buck  of  a  Pigg  I "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  "those  //*•  are  the  deuce  and  all  in  'unting — 
There's  nothin'  so  difficult  to  ride  as  an  '  if.'  If  we  find 
a  fox,  then  there's  the  difficulty  of  gettin'  well  away  with 
him ;  or  //'  we  do  get  well  away,  then  there's  the  chance 
of  his  bein'  'eaded  back,  or  of  there  bein'  no  scent,  or  of 
his  takin"  a  bud  line,  or  of  his  bein'  chased  by  a  cur,  or 
of  hi.s  gainin"  an  eartli  we  don't  know  of,  or  of  a  great 
banging  'are  misleadin'  the  'ounds,  or  of  the  fox  beatin' 
us  disgi'acef uUy  at  the  far  end — these  things  ai-e  dieadf ul 


POMPONIUS  EGO  -^65 

to  the  anxious  mind  of  a  M.F.H.  at  all  times,  but  'orrible, 
most  'orrible.  at  a  time  like  the  prisent." 

•'  Dinna  fear,"  replied  PigfT,  "  dinna  feai-— you'll  see 
he'll  be  nowt  but  mortal  man  after  all.  If  you  want  to 
kill  a  fox,  gan  to  big  wood,  and  have  somebody  there 
with  black  bitch." 

"  Black  bitch,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  thoughtfully,  "  black 
Ijitch— Wot  should  we  want  with  black  bitch  when  we 
have  all  the  'ounds  out  ?  " 

"Hout,  thou  fondy!"  said  Pigg,  "doesn't  thou  ken 
what  black  bitch  is  ?  " 

"  No,  I  doesn't — unless  it's  a  dog's  vnie." 

"Dog's  wife!"  roared  Pigg;  "ne  sike  thing. ^  It's  a 
(fun,  man  I  Just  pop  a  few  shot  corns  into  fox's  hint- 
legs,  and  h'unds  'ill  soon  catch  him." 

"My  vig!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  an  yir  of 
sudden  enlightenment,  "  I've  often  seen  cha]is  in  welwe- 
teen  with  guns  at  cover  sides,  but  never  knew  what  they 
were  there  for.  Ah,  but,"  added  he,  with  a  shake  of  his 
head,  "Hego  will  be  \\p  to  the  black  bitch  rig-No,  no, 
that  won't  do— no  use  trying  to  'oax  him— it  must  be 
Bummut  genuine.  Oh,  Pigg.  if  you  could  but  manage  to 
give  him  a  real  tickler,  so  that  he  might  have  summut 
good  to  put  in  his  l)ook,  the  gratitude  of  John  Jorrocks 
should  rest  with  you  for  ever  and  evei — you  should  drink 
branrly  out  of  a  quart  jjot  for  breakfast,  dinner  and 
supjicr." 

"You  dinna  sey  se !  "  exclaimed  Pigg,  with  delight. 
'•  Let's  see— dang'd  if  ar  ken— yes,  ar  de  tee— run  a  drag 
and  slieck  a  bag-fox  at  far  end  loike." 

Mr.  Jorrocks.—"  That  von't  do— no,  not  it.  He'll  be 
8>ire  to  find  out.  and  trounce  us  to  all  eternity;  besides, 
if  any  of  the  //tV/'.v  /.ijrrs  were  to  catch  us,  they'd  never 
let  us  'ear  the  end  on't." 

"  Not  they,"  replied  Pigg  :  "  Nebody  'ill  find  out  if  ye 
de  but  had  your  gob— start  i'  big  wood— run  drag  round 
—bother  him  well— then  out  o'ur  big  _  loup— give  him 
summut  to  glower  at,  instead  o'  li'nnds." 

"  No,  Pigg,  nfi,"  replied  Mr.  JorrockH.  shnking  his  head 
and  jingling  a  handful  of  silver  in  his  ].;intaloon  poi-ket; 
"it  must  1)0  Hummut  more  genuine— Talii-ho!j<>ndor  he 
goes!  then  elljows  and  legs— elbows  and  legs;"  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks suiting  the  a<tion  to  the  word  by  straddling  and 
working  an  inniginary  horse  with  his  iirms. 

"Give  him  that  tee."  r((t>lied  Pigtr ;  "stick  elm])  up  a 
tree  to  holloa  away— another  on  a  hill  Uj  had  up  hat, 

and  so  on." 

H  h 


466  HANDLEY  CROSS 

"Ah,  but  SO  many  cuks  will  spoil  the  broth,  Pigg;  so 
many  cuks  will  spoil  tiie  broth.  S'pose,  for  a  moment, 
one  should  peach  !  S'pose  Hego  should  find  us  out !  I 
should  sit  on  pins — on  wool-combers — with  nothin'  but 
summer  drawers  on,  till  the  account  appeared,  and  then 
I  question  I  should  have  courage  to  cut  the  pages.  Oh, 
hambition !  hambition !  wot  a  troublesome  warmint  you 
are !     Wish  I'd  let  the  great  man  alone." 

Pigg. — "  A.  man  alive,  niver  fear ;  he  cannot  de  thee 
ne  harm.  Let  me  manish  him, — ai*'ll  give  him  summut 
to  brag  on." 

Mr.  Jorrocks. — "  I  vish  I  dirst— you  Scotchmen  are 
Oliver  fellers  ;  but  s'pose  he  should  smell  a  rat,  'ow  he 
would  trounce  us,  as  much  to  show  his  own  'cuteness, 
as  to  punish  us  for  our  imperance  !  " 

"  Ye've  nout  to  fear,  ar  tell  ye,"  replied  Pigg,  confi- 
dently ;  "  ye've  uout  to  fear ;  just  leave  it  arl  to  me,  and 
had  your  jaw  about  it,  and  dinna  call  me  a  Scotchman, 
and  keep  thy  bit  bowdekite  quiet — ar'll  manish  matters." 

With  much  fear,  and  many  misgivings  for  his  rashness 
in  asking  Ego  to  come,  Mr.  Jorrocks  at  length  consented 
to  entrust  the  iiianagement  of  the  day's  sport  to  his 
northern  huntsman  and  the  feeder. 

By  these  it  was  arranged  to  run  a  drag  of  aniseed 
and  red-herring  over  some  of  the  best  of  their  country, 
and  to  tui'n  down  a  fox  at  the  far  end,  in  some  convenient 
unsuspicious-looking  i)lace.  The  evening  before  Mr. 
Ego  was  to  aiTive,  James  Pigg  communicated  the  find, 
the  run,  and  the  finish  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  such  other 
information  as  would  enable  our  Master  to  ride  to  points 
without  exciting  suspicion,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  undertook 
to  say  as  much  to  Benjamin  as  would  put  the  boy  on  his 
mettle,  without  letting  him  too  much  into  the  secret. 

Accordingly,  when  Stobbs  left  the  dining-room  to  play 
his  usual  game  of  beggar-my-neighbour  with  Belinda, 
Mr.  JoiTOcks  rang  the  bell,  and  desired  Betsy  to  send  in 
the  boy.  The  latter  entei'ed  in  his  usual  sneaking  way, 
knowing  that  he  had  been  guilty  of  several  "  piccadillies," 
as  liis  master  would  call  them,  for  which  he  deserved  to 
be  well  bastinadoed. 

■'  Now,  Binjimin,"  said  Mr.  JoiTocks,  eyeing  his 
whipper-in  with  one  of  his  most  scrutinizing  looks ; 
"now,  Binjimin,"  repeated  he,  with  great  dignity,  "you 
are  on  the  eve  of  a  most  mo-men-tous  crisis  ! ' 

"  Yez-ir,"  replied  Benjamin,  wondering  what  soi't  of  a 
shaped  thing  it  was. 

"That  renowned  man,   Mr.   Pomponius  Hego,  'unts 


POMPONIUS  EGO  467 

to-moiTow  with  om-  unrivalled  'otuids,  aud  I  would  fain 
ofive  him  a  stinjrer." 

"  Tez-ir."'  replied  Benjamin. 

•'  Now  then,  you  see.  Binjimiu,  James  Pigg  is  a  mighty 
'imter— keen  and  game  to  the  backbone,  and  thinks  he 
can  'stonish  him.  Now.  Binjimin,  yon  must  lend  us  a 
hand." 

"  Yez-ir,"  replied  Benjamin. 

•'  You  are  very  fond  o'  mai-meylad,"  observed  Mr. 
JoiTocks.  after  a  short  pause,  diiring  which  he  con- 
sidered how  he  had  best  put  the  point. 

"  Uncommon  1 "  exclaimed  Ben,  with  a  grin  of  delight. 

'•"Well,  then,  now  you  see,  Binjimin.  if  you  hact  well 
your  part,  obey  James  Pigg,  and  do  all  wot  he  tells  you 
—if  all  goes  on  smoothly  and  well  on  your  part— wen 
you  comes  'ome,  I'll  give  you  a  pot  o'  marmeylad  as  big 
as  your  'ead  I  " 

"  Crikey,  oh !"  exclaimed  Benjamin,  in  ecstasies. 

"But  'ark  to  me  again,  Binjimin,"  continued  Mr. 
JoiTocks,  holding  up  his  finger,  and  knitting  his  Ijrow  at 
the  boy  ;  "  'ark  to  me  again.  Binjimin,  if  by  any  chance 
you  bitch  the  thing,  if  all  does  not  go  on  smoothly  aud 
well  on  yom-  part,  so  far  from  givin'  of  you  any  mar- 
meylad, I'll  take  you  to  one  of  the  new-fangled 
matrimony-shops,  and  tie  you  hup  with  a  stout  gipsey 
wpuch,  with  sich  a  small  hindependence  of  her  ov.ii  as 
"ill  find  you  in  tons  of  misfortin'  and  black  language, 
fresh  from  the  pit's  mouth,  and  make  you  miserable  from 
now  till  the  first  Monday  after  eternity." 

"Oh-o-o!"  gi'oaned  Benjamin,  inwardly,  at  the 
thought. 

"  So  now  make  yourself  scarce,  and  mind  wot  you're 
at,"  said  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  dismissing  him.  Our  Mabter 
then  adjouniod  to  the  parloiu-,  and  endeavoured  to  com- 
pose himself  for  bed  with  a  couple  of  very  stiff  glasses  of 
B.  aud  W..  and  got  through  the  night  better  than  might 
have  been  expect43d. 


CHAPTER    LI 

THE   FOMPONIUS   EGO   DAY 

A  THICK  wliite  rind  poAvdered  the  face  of  Nature,  and 
Mr.  Jorrocks  found  himself  with  a  beautiful  silver- 
foliao-ed  window  in  the  morning.  Still  the  everg'reens 
in  the  garden  exhibited  no  symptoms  of  a  nipping,  and 
as  the  night-clouds  cleared  off,  and  the  sun  stood  forth 
all  lurid  in  the  firmament,  he  congratulated  himself 
on  tlie  appearance  of  opening  day.  Mrs.  Jorrocks, 
Belinda,  Stobbs,  Betsy,  and  Benjamin  were  up  with  the 
lark,  all  Imsy  i>repariug  for  the  great  well-known  un- 
known. _  A  fly  was  despatched  to  the  Datton  station 
of  the  Lily-white-sand  railway  to  meet  him,  and,  punctual 
to  his  time,  Ego  turned  out  at  Diana  Lodge,  enveloped 
iu_  shawls,  numerous  great-coats,  and  a  pair  of  French- 
jointed  clogs  to  keep  his  feet  warm.  Mutual  salutations 
being  over,  and  having  got  rid  of  his  husks,  breakfast 
was  attacked  with  a  true  railwny  appetite — kidneys, 
chops,  eggs,  muflfins,  crumiiets,  toast,  red  hei-rings,  and 
all  the  delicacies  of  the  season  in  short,  that  make  one's 
mouth  water  to  write,  vanished  in  succession,  aided  by 
large  draughts  of  undeniable  tea  and  coffee  from  "  the 
Lane,"  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  calls  his  place  of  business. 
At  length  they  completely  topped  up,  and  after  begging 
some  brandy  to  put  in  his  flask.  Ego  rose  from  his  seat 
and  began  pacing  about  the  room  and  looking  out  of  the 
window,  as  men  are  in  the  habit  of  doing  who  want  to 
be  commencing  a  "  New  Series  "  of  the  periodical  occupa- 
tions of  life.  Stobbs  had  a  bad  headache — or  pretended 
to  have  one,  not  wanting  to  be  butter'd. 

Ten  o'clock  came,  and  as  it  struck,  James  Pigg  and 
Benjamin  appeared  outside  the  white  rails  before  Diana 
Lodge,  clad  in  their  best  habiliments,  mounted,  and 
each  leading  a  horse.  Uncommonly  spicy  they  all 
looked,  for  Pigg,  regardless  of  expense,  had  generously 
divided  a  penny's-worth  of  ginger  among  the  four,  so 
that  their  tails  stuck  up  like  hat-pegs,  and,  as  if  in 
symiDathy  with  the  horses,  Gabriel  Junks  flew  on  to  the 
summit  of  the  gateway  arch,  and  exjianded  a  glorious 


THE   rO?.TrONIUS   EGO   DAY  469 

tail  to  the  rays  of  the  sun.  at  tlie  same  time  setting:  np 
a  scream  that  startled  the  horses.  Forth  sallied  Ego 
and  Jorrochs  ;  up  went  the  bedroom  window  for  Betsy 
to  look  out,  Mrs.  JoiTOcks  appeared  framed  in  the  lower 
one,  with  a  face  of  most  rubicund  hue,  while  Belinda 
peeped  past  the  sri'een  and  white  chintz  curtain,  and  had 
laer  glimpse  of  the  scene. 

"  There  !  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pulling-  up  short  at  the 
gate,  seizing  Ego  by  the  ai-m  as  he  pointed  to  his  stud; 
"  there  I  there  are  a  lot  of  nags  for  you— none  of  your 
cat  -  legged,  tumble  -  down,  kick-me-ofiP,  brik-my-neck, 
split-my-skull  beggars;  but  real  seasoned  'unters,  sure 
and  steady,  with  an  eye  for  each  foot,  and  one  over. 
Binjiuiin,"  said  he,  turning  to  the  boy,  "take  up  those 
stirrups  three  'oles,  and  don't  let  me  catch  you  ridin' 
like  a  dragon.  Now,  Mr.  Hego,  be  artei"  mountin" — 
time's  precious,  and  punctuality  is  the  purliteness  of 
princes.  There,"  said  he,  as  Ego  got  himself  into  his 
saddle  on  Talavera,  "  you  are  mounted— delightful  1 
make  a  pictor  for  Leech  !  Gave  a  mint  o'  money  for 
that  'oss,  but  I  doesn't  care  a  dump  "bout  money,  further 
nor  as  it  enables  one  to  pursue  the  plisurs  o'  the  chase. 
— Pigg,  put  Arterxerxes  next  the  rails,  so  that  I  may  get 
on  easy.  Whoay,  'oss  !  Wiioay  !  "  roared  Jorrocks,  as 
tlie  iiorse  began  fidgeting  and  hoisting,  on  feeling  his 
foot  in  the  stirrup.  "  Whoay  !  I  say,  you  hugly  brute  !  " 
adding,  "  rot  ye,  but  I'll  take  the  gay  insolence  out  o' 
your  tail  afore  night."  A  bold  effort  lodged  hiui  in  the 
first  floor  of  the  saddle,  and,  gatliering  up  his  reins,  Jor- 
rocks turned  Arterxerxes'  head  from  the  house,  the 
liorse  walking  with  his  fore  legs,  and  kicking  with  his 
hind  ones,  an  example  immediately  followed  by  the 
other  three.  Away  they  all  go,  kicking  and  snorting, 
amid  the  renewed  screams  of  the  peacock  and  the 
shouts  of  the  little  boys  who  had  congregated  al)Out. 

"  Ami  one  nrid  all  aloud  docliire 
"I'was  a  fit  n!f,'lit  for  country  fair, 
Far  bolter  tVmn  a  ilaiiciii;;  l)ear." 

The  kennel  readied,  the  pack  weie  soon  round  Pigg's 
horse's  heels,  and  after  a  few  conseciucntial  cracks  of  his 
whip,  and  cries  of  "  Go  on,  hounds  I  go  on  !  to  him  !  to 
him  I  "  from  Benjauiin,  as  they  proceeded  through  the 
streets,  which,  as  usual,  were  all  commotion  to  see  them 
pass,  tliey  cleared  the  town  and  entered  upon  the  hedge- 
rows of  the  couiitry. 

Jon'ocks  now  began  to  feel  the  full  force  of  his 
situation,  and  inwarclly  wished  himself  well  out  of  it. 


470  HANBLEY  CROSS 

"  A  nice/.v//  lot  of  hounds,"  observed  E^o,  casually,  as 
be  broii£i'ht  his  horse  alongrside  James  PiffK»  "  to  look  him 
over,"  as  he  calls  it ;  and  Pipf.ff,  who  was  rather  sprunj^. 
instead  of  capping  him,  gave  him  a  most  unceremonious 
stare. 

"  A  dom'd  nice  pack  !  ar  should  say."  replied  Pigg. 

"  Humph  ! "  said  Ego  to  himself,  "  a  rammish  genius 
this,  I  guess— I  am  Pom-po-nius  Ego,"  observed  he. 
with  an  air  of  annihilation. 

"  Sae  they  say."  replied  Pigg,  turning  his  quid. 
"  What's  your  cracks  P  " 

"  What's  j'our  whals  ? "  repeated  Ego  to  himself, 
without  being  able  to  hit  off  the  scent.  "  Who  told  you 
I  was  Ego?"  inquired  he,  after  a  pause,  during  which 
he  kept  scrutinizing  Pigg. 

Pigg. — "  Whe  teirt  me  ?     Why,  JoiTOcks,  to  be  sure 
Whe  else  shoiUd  ?  " 

■'  Whe  else  should  ? "  repeated  Ego,  in  disgust. 
'■  You're  a  pretty  fellow  for  a  huntsman." 

"  Te'll  be  wantin'  a  ticket,  ar's  warn'd."  observed  Pigg, 
pulling  one  of  his  .5s.  pink  pasteboards  out  of  his  waist- 
coat jiocket  and  tendering  it  to  him. 

Ego  looked  unutterable  things. 

"  Well,  my  f  rind,  and  vot  do  you  think  of  the  'ounds  P  "' 
inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  had  had  a  suck  at  his 
monkey,  riding  up  at  this  critical  period.  "  Some  of  the 
real  sort  for  makiu'  them  cry  '  Capevi ' — all  workmen — 
no  skirtin',  babblin',  overrimnin'  beggars  kept  for  show 
merely  because  they  are  'andsome — 'andsome  is  wot 
'andsome  does,  is  my  happhorism  P  " 

"  A  very  good  motto,  Mr.  .Ton-ocks,"  observed  Ego ; 
"  a  very  good  motto.  We  shall  see  jiresently  what  they 
are  made  of.  They  seem  a  goodish  sort  of  hound — level 
— if  anything,  i-ather  full  of  flesh." 

"A  werry  good  fault,  too,  at  this  time  o'  year;  we 
shall  soon  work  them  fine  enough,"  replied  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks. 

"  As  fine  as  Sam  Nichol  had  his,  eh  ? — that  poor  John 
Warde  used  to  say  a  man  had  only  to  take  his  shaving- 
pot  into  the  kennel,  lather  his  face,  and  scrape  his  face 
with  the  back  of  a  hound — he,  he,  he !  good  joke  that, 
Mr.  Jon-rocks,  eh  ?" 

■'Haw!  haw!  haw!  weny  good  joke,  Mr.  Hego,  werry 
good  joke,  indeed  — have  laughed  at  it  wen-y  often — 
wen-y  old  friend  o'  yours  and  mine,  that  joke.  S'pose 
it  will  be  due  again  soon  ?  Shall  be  ready  to  laugh  at  it 
aji'ain  when  it  appears." 


THE  POMPONIUS  EGO   DAY  471 

"  Mixed  pack,  I  see,"  now  obseiTed  Ego,  who  had  been 
scrntinizing  the  hounds  as  they  trotted  quietly  along. 

"  Mixed  T^ack,"  repeated  Jorrocks,  gaily,  adding ; 
■■  dogs  I  thinks  correct  the  wolatile  natur'  o'  the  betches. 

'old  wi'  Mr.  Ci^aven  Smith,"  continued  he,  "that 
though  the  betches  ai-e  quicker  nor  the  dogs,  they  do  not 
always  show  the  same  sport,  or  kill  the  most  foxes — 
another  thing  is,  I  likes  plenty  o'  music,  and  the  Vjetches 
are  not  so  free  wi"  their  tongues  as  the  dogs,  and  some- 
times slip  away  without  ones  knowing  it,  which  is 
inconwenient,  as  it  doesn't  look  well  for  a  gen'lenian, 
'specially  for  an  M.F.H.,  to  go  gallopin"  'bout  the 
counti-y,  exclaimin',  '  'Ave  j'ou  seen  my  'ounds  ?  'ave  you 
seen  my  'ounds  ? '  " 

"  That  will  not  often  happen  with  you,  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
I  should  think,"  observed  Ego,  smiling  at  our  friend's 
substantial  form. 

"  Not  often,"  replied  our  Master,  with  a  chuck  of  the 
chin ;  '"  not  often— still  it  might,  and  one  doesn't  like 
bein'  left  i'  the  lurch." 

"  Certainly  not,"  assented  Ego ;  "  certainly  not — 
nothing  like  l)eing  on  good  terms  \nt\i  your  hounds  and 
your  banker." 

"  Nothin'."  replied  Jon'ocks,  "  'specially  wi'  sich 
'f»eautie8  as  mine,"  looking  lovingly  down  upon  the  pack. 

'■  Some  fairisli-looklng  animals  among  tliem,"  observed 
Ego,  with  upturned  lip. 

"  Fairish-lookin'  hauimals  'mong  'em."  retorted  Jor- 
rocks; "  fairish-lookin'  lianimals  'mong  "em  ;  I  tells  ye 
wot,"  continued  he,  drawing  breath  ;  "  if  they're  not 
'zactly  the  'and.some.st  jjack  o'  'oiind.s  i'  tlie  kingdom, 
tliey're  the  steadiest— the  wisest — and  the  best!  " 

"  lu-deed  I  "  bowed  Ego,  with  a  supercilious  smile. 

"True  guiders  of  a  scent  in  'ard  runnin',  close,  patient 
'tinters  with  :i  cold  scent,  and  as  stout  as  steel." 

'*  In-deed  ! "  bowed  Ego  again. 

■■  I'm  not  a  conceited  hasa."  observed  Jorrocks,  boiling 
up,  "wot  tliinks  everything  I  'ave  is  the  best;  and  if  I 
'ears  of  good  bhjod  anywiiere,  I'll  'ave  it — as  I  said  afoor, 
I  doesn't  care  twojjonoe  about  tin,  furtlier  nor  as  it 
enah»le»  me  to  pursue  the  plisiu'es  o'  the  chase." 

"That's  your  ticket!  "  exclaimed  Ego. 

"Kink  ye,  ye  wndn't  lia'  it  just  now,"  ohsci'ved 
Pigg  over  his  shoulder,  thinking  tlie  great  man  liad 
changed  his  mind,  and  wanted  his  insurance  ticket 
against  Imnting  acfidfuts. 

"To    lioljtain  a  good    run,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks, 


472  HANBLEY   CROSS 

veheinently,  without  noticing'  eithex'  of  these  inteiTiip- 
tions,  "  to  hobtain  a,  good  run,  your  'oimds  slionkl  not 
only  'ave  jyood  abilities,  but  they  should  be  hexperienced 
and  well  'quainted  with  eaf!h  other.  To  guide  a  scent 
well  over  a  country  for  a  length  o'  time,  through  all  the 
hintricacies  and  difficulties  o'  the  chase,  requires  first 
chop  abilities,"  added  he,  with  a  hearty  slap  of  his  thigh. 

"  So  it  does,"  assented  Ego. 

"Keep  the  tambourine  a-roulin' ! "  exclaimed  Pigg,  who 
had  been  reining  in  his  horse  to  hear  his  master  bounce. 

"  Yooi  doit !  there  Warrior  !  "  added  he,  with  a  crack 
of  his  whip  to  a  hound  that  was  leading  others  out  of 
ear-shot. 

"  There's  a  fine  'ound,"  observed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  again 
arresting  the  great  man's  attention  by  ])ointing  out  old 
Ravager,  now  trotting  singly  along  the  footpath. 

"  You'll  most  likely  be  wishin'  to  say  summut  soapy 
and  jjlisant  'bout  the  pack,  and  you  can't  lay  it  too  thick 
on  to  him — Ravager,  by  Lord  Yarborough's  Rallywood 
out  of  his  Ringlet.  Would  gladly  give  fifty  guineas  a 
couple  for  a  few  more  sich.  That's  a  nice  dog  too, 
Fugleman,"  pointing  a  speckled  black  and  white  one 
out.  "  Fugleman,*  by  the  Beaufort  Potentate  out  of 
Foljambe's  Frantic;  so's  that,"  pointing  to  a  mealy- 
coloured  hoixnd ;  "  Dorimont,  by  Drake's  Duster  out  of 
the  Belvoir  Blameless.  Dorimont!  old  bouy ! "  continued 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  rising  in  his  stiiTups,  and  chucking  him  a 
bit  of  biscuit  for  answering  to  his  name.  "Dorimont, 
old  bouy !  mind  the  heyes  of  Hengland  are  'pon  you  ! 
In  fact,''  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  sousing  himself  into 
his  great  saddle,  and  di'opping  his  voice  as  he  took  Ego 
confidentially  by  tlie  elbow,  "  in  fact,  you  can't  say  too 
much  in  praise  o'  the  pack — Quads  neithei*.  I'm  not  a 
wain  man,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  far  from  it — but 
merit  should  be  noticed,  and  it's  not  never  of  no  manner 
of  use  keeping  one's  candle  under  a  bushel.  Is  it  P  " 
asked  he,  anxiously. 

"  Not  a  bit !  "  replied  Ego,  with  another  slight  upward 
curl  of  his  lip. 

Our  friends  then  bumped  on  for  some  time  in  silence, 
Jorrocks  wondering  what  Ego  thought  of  him,  and  Ego 
wondering  if  Jorrocks  was  really  the  liberal,  indifferent 
man  about  money  he  represented  himself  to  be.  Jor- 
rocks was  half  inclined  to  ask  Ego  how  he  proposed 
buttering  him,  lest  there  might  l)e  any  mistake,  but  just 

*  All  gammon !     They  wore  some  of  Bujr;,'in8()ii's  lot. 


THK   POMPONIUS   EGO   DAY  473 

as  he  was  going  to  pop  the  tender  question,  Ai'terxei*xes 
cave  such  a  ten-ible  stumhle.  as  nearly  sent  him  out  of 
his  saddle.  He  then  took  to  jagging  and  objurgating  the 
horse,  which  put  it  out  of  his  head,  and  by  the  time  he 
got  himself  aiid  his  horse  appeased,  he  was  thinking  of 
his  dinner. 

As  tbey  proceeded,  the  spangled  hedges  dropped  their 
jewels — the  fields  gradually  resumed  their  pristine  hue 
— and  on  reaching  Bumpmead  Heath,  all  nature  smiled 
with  the  sweetness  of  premature  spring.  What  a  con- 
course was  there!  Flys.  carriages,  gigs,  hunters,  hacks, 
donkeys,  all  to  see  an  author  on  horseback ! 

"  Tliere  !  "  said  Mr.  Jorrocks.  pointing  to  the  field  as 
they  tumel  from  the  road  and  entered  the  wide  expand- 
ing common,  "wot  an  'unt  mine  is!  Shall  present  them 
to  you  in  reg'lar  rotation — largest  subscriljers  fust,  and 
so  on,  down  to  the  three-guinea  coves.  This  little  podgy 
cock  on  the  cob  is  Latitat  the  lawyer.  Bein'  a  werry 
thick-winded  little  sinner,  they  call  him  Whezey,  junior. 
Yon  bouy  on  the  brown,  that  is  ildgetin'  about  a.s  tliough 
he  didn't  like  his  load,  is  Squire  Barniugton,  the  man 
wot  wanted  to  be  master;  he  gives  iifty.  My  missis  and 
his  don't  'it  it,  but  we  are  weiTy  good  friends.  He  buys 
'osses  like  a  brick,  without  bringin'  all  the  relations  and 
frinds  of  this  worhl  to  'sist  'im.  Barnington!  "  holloaed 
JoiTocks  to  him,  "come  and  be  pre.sented  to  the  mighty 
Hego.  This  l^e  him,  with  the  biixl's-eye  fogle  round  his 
squeeze — coolish  mornin',  you  see,  and  Hegotists*  are 
scarce— keejjs  his  throat  warm."  Mr.  Barnington  and 
Ego  made  mutual  salutations  with  their  hats.  "Hooi. 
Floecy ! "  roared  Jorrocks  to  liis  secrctai-y.  who  was 
poking  about  among  the  group  on  a  long-tailed  rat  of 
a  pony,  with  a  slip  of  paper  in  his  hand  and  a  pencil 
between  his  teeth,  "come  and  pay  your  devours  to  Hego. 
the  man  wot  makes  us  all  famous.  This  l)e  my  sec," 
observed  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  Ego,  adding  in  a  lower  tone, 
"Does  a  little  word-combin'  liimKcit"  at  tiuies — signs 
himself  Junius  Secundus— you  twig!" 

"Proud  to  maka  tlie  personal  acquaintance  of  Junius 
Secundus,"  observed  Ego,  l)owing  and  laying  his  hand 
upon  his  breast.  "Often  heard  of  him."  KhMM-call  brings 
his  hat  in  contaft  with  his  heel. 

"This    be    old    Biirli-ycorn,"   observed    Mr.   Jonocks, 
stoijping  a  jolly-looking  farmer,  in  dai'k  clothes,  on  a 
good-looking   brown    horse;    "a  worry  good  friend  to 
unting— always  goes  fust  over  his  own  wheat." 

•  NotliinK  of  the  sort;  we  winli  tlioy  were.-  Author. 


474  HANBT-EY   CROSS 

Pomponiiis  Ego  vouchsafed  him  a  how. 

"  Here  comes  a  cove  now,"  ohserved  JoiTOcks,  laying 
hold  of  Ego's  arm.  "  Jest  look  at  this  chap  i"  the  caj) 
and  cnt-away  coat,  with  the  bridle  all  over  l)uckles.  '  Dis 
arter  six,'  I  calls  him.  His  mother  gets  her  tea  o'  me, 
and  when  this  young  blade  came  to  settle  the  bill,  he 
wanted  dis  arter  six.  Dis  arter  six ! "  exclaimed  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  with  an  emphasis.  "As  if  anybody  ever  'eard 
o'  dis  arter  six !  The  dirty -looking  dog  in  the  phim- 
coloured  coat  and  dingy  Napoleons  wot's  jest  joined  'im, 
we  call '  Two  upon  Ten ' — they  'nnt  in  coui^les,  Dis  arter 
six  and  Two  upon  Ten.  They  took  poor  Two  for  a  thief, 
and  wen  he  went  into  the  shops,  they  used  to  sing  out 
'  Two  ui^on  ten !  two  i\i>on  ten ! '  meanin'  two  eyes  on  ten 
fingers — haw !  haw !  haw ! "  chuckled  our  Master,  adding, 
"I  won't  interduce  neither  o'  them.  But  'ere  comes  a 
good  chap,"  continued  he,  "  Ridge  the  slater,  gives  ten 
pund,  and  pays  it  too.  Slates,  old  bouy ! "  continued 
JoiTOcks,  beckoniug  him,  "come  this  way,  and  let  me  be 
the  makin'  on  you.  Let  me  interduce  you  to  tlie  great 
Mr.  Hego,  King  o'  the  Chase,  I  may  call  'im."  Ridge 
made  as  bountiful  a  bow  as  though  he  expected  an  order 
to  roof  in  a  joalace. 

"  'Ere's  another  good  chap,"  continued  Mr.  Jon-ocks, 
"  Pigott  the  master  i^lasterer — M.P.,  as  he  calls  himself. 
'Ere,  Piggy,"  continued  JoiToeks,  hailing  him,  "  let  me 
do  the  splendacious  by  you.  Mr.  Hego,  let  me  interduce 
a  reg'ler  brick — fire-brick,  in  fact— gives  sivin  pund  to 
the  'ounds,  and  pays  it  too." 

"  Most  praiseworthy  character,"  observed  Ego,  with  a 
salaam. 

"And  'ere's  another  good  cove,"  continued  Jorrocks, 
"  Sugar  the  grocer.  He's  a  payin'  subscriber,  too — gives 
ten  pund." 

"  I'ive,"  observed  Sugar — whose  real  name  was  Smith 
with  a  smile. 

"  Five,  is  it  ?  "  growled  Mr.  Jorrocks,  adding  aloud  to 
himself,  "shalln't  interduce  you,  then.  Yon  chap  trottin' 
along  as  if  his  wite  choker  wouldn't  let  him  look  either 
to  the  right  or  the  left,  is  the  Reverend  Titus  Cramcub, 
a  learned  man  like  yourself — reads  Lord  Bacon's  works, 
and  eats  fat  bacon  for  bi-eakfast.  He  teaches  the  young 
idea  'ow  to  shoot,  but  ])refers  'unting  himself,  and  as 
soon  as  'ounds  'ave  shaken  off  the  crowd,  and  settled  to 
a  run,  he  di'ojis  into  the  front  rank,  and  goes  as  if  he 
couldn't  'elp  himself.  This  is  not  a  bad  chap,"  continued 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  nodding  towards  a  square-built  man  in 


THE   POMPONIUS  EOO   DAY  475 

white  moleskin  breeches,  an  olive-colonred  coat,  and 
boots  to  match,  who  now  turned  a  well-shaped  grey 
upon  the  heath.  ""  This  is  not  a  bad  chap,  Hainies  the 
saddler,  and  I"ll  tell  ye  a  story  'bout  him  that  may  come 
into  j-our  palaiwarment ,  if  you  like.  His  trade  lies  a  good 
deal  mong  the  saints,  who  wouldn't  "prove  of  his  'nnting, 
so  he  always  christens  his  'oss  Business,  and  when  any 
on  'em  call  when  he's  out,  his  foreman  says  his  master's 
away  on  '  business ' — haw,  haw,  haw  I  he,  he,  he  !  " — a 
chuckle  in  which  the  great  journalist  joined.  "This  is 
a  shabby  screw,''  said  Mr.  JoiTocks,  pointing  to  a  man  in 
a  rusty  Bath-bricky  scarlet,  riding  a  badly-clipped  ewe- 
necked  dun.  "  He's  'unted  all  his  life,  they  say.  and  never 
given  a  copper  to  'ounds,  always  declarin'  that  each 
season  was  to  be  his  last.  And,  by  the  way,  reminds  me," 
continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  turning  short  on  his  secretary, 
"  'ow  do  the  chaps  buck  up  now  that  they've  got  wot  they 
want  in  the  way  of  an  'untsman  ?  " 

'•  Why,  only  very  middling,  I'm  sorry  to  say,  sir,"  replied 
Mr.  Fleeceall.  "  Somehow  or  other,  I  never  can  find  a 
man  with  any  money  in  his  pocket.  It's  always,  '  Oli.  I'll 
pay  you  next  time  we  meet,'  or  '  I  s'pose  you'll  be  out  on 
Monday,  when  I  will  bring  my  subscription,'— but  the 
happy  day  never  comes." 

"  Well,  but  that's  all  nonsen.'^e,"  ejaculated  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, "that's  all  nonsense.  Won't  do  in  a  commercial 
countiy  like  this,  at  least  only  for  landowners,  and  folks 
wot  don't  understand  'ow  money  makes  money.  I'll  tell 
ye  wot  ye  must  do,"  continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  I'll  tell  ye 
wotyou  must  do,"repeated  he, boiling  up,"  you  must  geta 
set  of  hinterest  tables,  and  cliarge  every  man  Jack  on  'em 
five  percent,  from  the  dny  the  subscrii)tion  l>pcomes  due." 

'•  Well,  sir,  what  you  tliink  riglit,"  rei)lied  Mr.  Fleeceall. 

"  Well,  1  tliinks  tliat  right,"  retorted  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
adding :  "  if  I  was  t^j  get  over  the  left  wi' BuHock  and 
Ulker,  d've  s'7)o.se  they  wouldn't  charge  me  five  j)er  cent., 
or  may  be  more?  They'd  be  werry  unliko  Iiankers  i' 
general  if  they  didn't.  Wliy  slu^uld  1  give  tick  wi'  the 
'ounds  P  " 

II  Certainly  not,  sir;  certainly  not,"  rfjiliod  Floeceall. 

"The  misfortin  is,  that  every  man  thinks  what  he 
owes  is  of  no  importance.  Now,  there  is  My.  ( JiHyflnwcr 
coming  Mp,  :ih  thoiif,'|i  the  county  was  all  his  own." 
pointing  to  a  stylisli  young  gentleman  cantering  along 
on  a  white  cover  hack,  attired  in  a  spic  and  sfian  new 
scarlet  coat,  with  i  atent  leather  fisiiernian  boots  coining 
half  up  his  thiifhs,  and  puffing  large  clouds  of  smoke  as 


476 


HANBLEY   CROSS 


he  went ;  he  is  down  for  twenty  guineas,  and  I  carn't 
get  a  luilfi)enny  of  it."  Just  then  Mr.  (i  illy  flower, 
s])ying  the  Master  as  he  cantered  along,  pulled  short  np, 
and  taking  his  cigar  from  his  lips,  accosted  Mr.  Jorrocks 
with — 

"  Holloa !  good  morning — how  are  ye,  old  boy  ?  " 

Mr.  Jorrocks  deigned  no  answer. 


"hurt!   no,  sir— rather  the  contbart!" 


"Here's  a  fine  hunting  morning,  Mr.  Jorrocks,"  he 
continued  in  a  somewhat  subdued  tone,  seeing  our 
distinguished  stranger. 

"  A  werry  bad  'untin'  moniin',  I  should  say,  replied 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  looking  very  irate,  and  unconsciously 
spiming  his  horse,  who  was  still  fidgeting  about  from 
the  effects  of  the  ginger. 


THK   POMPONIUS   EGO   DAY  477 

'"A  jrood  sceutiug  one.  at  all  events.  I  should  think,"' 
letiiiuied  the  yonn£,'ster,  looking  rathei-  disconcerted. 

■"  A  werry  bad  scentin'  one,  I  should  say,"  rejoined  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  rammine  the  spurs  into  his  horse,  which  the 
animal  acknowledged  Ijy  a  sudden  and  desperate  kick, 
which  fairly  shot  our  Master  over  its  head. 

Great  was  the  consternation !  Ego,  Fleeceall, 
Gillyflower,  Barnington,  Dis  arter  six,  Two  upon  Ten, 
and  half-a-dozen  more  all  leaped  off  their  horses  at  once, 
while  Gillyflower  caught  the  hat  and  wig,  and  was  loud 
in  his  ho])es  that  Jorrocks  wasn't  hurt. 

"Hiirt!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  his  eyes  sparkling 
with  r.ige  as  he  scrambled  up  and  replaced  his  lost  head- 
gear, "  hurt,  sir,"  lie  repeated,  looking  as  though  he  would 
eat  him,  "no,  sir— not  at  all — rather  the  contrary  !  " 

Our  hero,  however,  having  fallen  both  clean  and 
soft,  and  having  vented  his  anger  upon  his  non-])aying 
subscriber,  things  soon  resumed  their  right  course,  while 
Pigg  turned  the  accident  to  accoimt  by  sending  Ben 
about  with  the  insurance  tickets,  singing  out,  "  Take  your 
tickets,  gents !  please  take  your  tickets  !  goin"  into  a 
liawful  coimtry — bottomless  brooks  !  Old  'un  got  brandy 
in  his  bottle !  Reg'lar  cut-'em-doAvai-and-hang-'cni-up- 
to-dry  counti*y ! " 

This  trafiic  was  in  tuni  interrupted  by  an  extraordinary 
hyena-looking  cap  and  scarlet-coated  youth,  with  a 
cane-coloured  beard  and  moustac-he,  cantering  furiously 
about  on  a  long-tailed  cream-coloured  hack,  dashing  at 
evei-y  group  of  grooms  and  dark-coated  horsemen,  with 
the  incjuiry  — "  Have  you  seen  my  fellow  ?  Have  you 
Hpfn  my  fellow?"  At  last  he  made  for  the  ])ack,  and 
ha/arding  the  same  enquiry  of  Pigg,  tijat  distinguished 
observer,  after  a  careful  though  somewhat  impertinent 
scrutiny,  exclaimed, — 

"  N  -  ()~Y,  arm  d-  d  if  ivor  ar  did  !  "  and  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
seeing  the  stranger  arranging  his  whip  as  if  for  action, 
and  knowing  Pigg's  pngnaciouK  disposition,  immediately 
gave  tlie  signal  for  throwing  off,  and  in  an  instant  the 
glad  pack  were  frolicking  over  the  greensward  of  the 
heatli,  with  the  now  contracting  crowd  pressing  on  after 
them. 

South  Grove,  as  our  readers  may  renioui})er,  was  the 
scene  of  Mr.  JoiTocks's  former  bag-fox  exploit,  and  was 
well  ada[)tcd  for  such  cxperimcntK.  It  was  a  long  wood 
of  stately  oaks,  ninning  parallel  with  the  Appledove 
Road,  for  about  a  mile,  the  wood  widening  into  some- 
thing like  twelve  acres  towards  the  middle.      The  other 


478  HANDLEY   CROSS 

side  was  bounded  by  Buuipniead  Heath,  and  the  country 
around  was  of  that  undulating  nature,  tliat  requires  a 
man  to  ride  close  with  hounds,  or  run  a  chance  of  losing 
them.  From  South  Grove  to  Doitwich,  the  nearest 
cover,  was  four  miles,  as  the  crow  flies,  but  a  judicious 
winding  of  certain  irregularities  of  surface  would  not 
only  lengthen  it  into  five  or  six  miles,  but  also  di-aw  a 
bottomless  brook  twice  into  the  run.  Another  great 
advantage  it  possessed  for  Mr.  Jorrocks  was,  that  sundry 
bridle  roads  all  made  for  the  next  cover,  and  yet  each 
by  itself  appearing  to  lead  in  a  different  direction,  no 
one  who  did  not  know  them  would  think  of  following 
him. 

"  But  where's  Mr.  Hego  .•' "  inquired  he,  looking  round, 
expecting  to  find  him  at  his  elbov/. 

"  Oh,  he's  just  trotted  back  to  the  Cock-and-Bottle," 
replied  Mr.  Fleeceall,  "  he  will  be  here  directly." 

"  Wot  can  he  want  at  the  Cock-and-Bottle  ?  "  inquired 
Mr.  Jorrocks.  "  He  doesn't  need  any  more  j  umpin' 
powder  than  he  has  in  his  pocket,  surely  !  " 

"No,"  replied  Mr.  Fleeceall,  "but  in  looking  into  his 
silver  sandwich-box  just  now.  he  found  they  had  not  put 
any  mustard  between  the  beef  and  bread,  and  he  can't  eat 
it  that  way,  he  says.  He  will  be  back  directly,  I  dare  say 
— yonder  he  comes,  indeed !  " 

"  Then  let's  be  doin',  Pigg !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
as  Ego  neared  them;  adding,  "now  Binjimin,  mind 
your  eye  !  Marmeylad,  you  know !  " 

"Gently,  hounds !"  roared  Pigg,  as  they  approached 
the  cover,  and  v/aiited  to  dash  at  the  spot  they  took  the 
scent  up  on  the  former  occasion.  "  Have  a  care,  all  on 
ye !  "  added  he,  with  a  crack  of  his  whip,  as  they  reached 
the  hedge. 

"  Yooi,  over  in  then ! "  cheered  Pigg,  cap  in  hand, 
seeing  they  were  bent  upon  breaking  away.  "  Yooi, 
over  in  I "  and  every  hound  dashes  into  cover,  with 
rather  more  music  than  strict  etiquette  would  allow.  _ 

"Beautiful!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  fist  in  side, 
hoping  Ego  might  not  hear  the  riot.  "  Unkimmun 
heager,  cert&'mlie.  Now,  Mr.  Hego,  look  out  for  the 
find.  They'll  drag  up  to  him  with  all  this  rind,  or 
whatever  you  call  the  stuff,"  knocking  some  of  it  off  the 
bushes  v.'ith  his  whip.  "  Have  at  him  there,  Manager, 
old  man !  Undeniable  hound  that,"  tm-ning  to  Ego, 
and  pointing  out  a  black  and  tan  dog;  "ven  he  begins 
to  speak,  you  may  look  aiier  your  silver  sandwich  box, 
—  haw  1  haw !  haw !  " 


THE   POMPONITTS   EGO   DAY  479 

"  Hoic  in  I  lioic  in ! "  clieered  Pigg  along  the  ride, 
clmckliug  at  the  trick  be  was  going  to  play.  "  Have  at 
him,  Crowner!  good  dog  I  Yooi !  wind  liiiu,  Lousey  !  " 
(Louisa)  '"  good  bitch !  Have  at  him  there,  all  on  ye, 
and  mind  skeiiliuaisters  lookin'."  turning  to  Pomponins 
Ego  vs^itb  a  grin,  and  saying,  "  Bain't  that  industry  ?  " 
****** 

"  Talli-ho  I  talli-ho !  talli-ho  !  "  screamed  Ben,  from 
the  thickest  part  of  the  cover,  as  though  he  were  getting 
murdered. 

"  Hoic,  holloa !  hoic  holloa  I  hoic  holloa ! "  exclaimed 
Ego,  in  the  most  orthodox  style. 

"  A,  how-way,  canny  man  I  how-way !  "  roared  Pigg, 
gathering  up  bis  reins  and  ramming  bis  spi;rs  into  bis 
horse.  "  How-way,  ar  say !  dinna  stand  Llairin'  there  ! 
Whativer  ye  de.  keep  the  tambourine  a  roiiliu'." 

Away  tore  Pigg  to  the  holloa,  through  bogs,  briars, 
bushes,  and  brambles,  followed  by  Ego;  and  now  tbe 
full  music  of  the  pack  proclaims  the  finding  of  the  di'ag. 
There  is  a  tremendous  scent,  for  though  it  has  lain  an 
hour  it  is  strong  enough  to  last  a  week.  Round  they 
go,  full  swing,  every  hound  throwing  his  tongue,  and 
making  the  old  wood  echo  with  their  melody. 

"They'll  kill  him  in  cover,"  observed  Ego,  taking  out 
his  watch.  "  Becl.'ford's  wrong  about  scent  never  lying 
with  a  white  frost.  I'll  write  an  ai-ticle  to  j)rove  it."  A 
luonientary  check  ensues— the  drag  has  been  lifted. 

"  Killed  for  a  crown !  "  exclaimed  Ego,  with  delight. 

"  Niver  sick  a  thing ; — never  sick  a  thing !  '  retorts 
Pigg  with  a  grin. 

•  *««** 

Now  they  are  on  him  again,  and  the  old  oaks  seem  to 
shake  with  the  melody. 

•  ***«* 

"  Is  he  a  big  'un,  Ben  ?  "  asked  Pigg,  as  they  meet  at 
the  junction  of  the  rides. 

"  Uncommon ! "  exclaims  Benjamin,  gasping  for 
breath. 

"  Aye,  but  we'll  bucket  him,"  responded  Pigg,  turn- 
ing his  quid  in  his  mouth;  adding,  "av'U  be  the  death 
of  a  shilliu',  ony  how!  Sink  it  I  "  added  he,  "brandy 
and  baccy  'ill  gar  a  man  live  for  iver !  " 

It's  now  near  leavin^r  tim(!,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  the 
field  come  up  in  long  drawn  file,  tlie  worthy  M.i'.H.  all 
'  xcitement  and  agitation. 

"  Oh  I "  e.xclaiuis    he,    dropping   hie   ponderous  whij) 


480 


HANDLEY  CKOSS 


down  his  le^  with  a  heavy  crash,  "  if  we  do  hut  manisli 
it,  'o\v  'nppy  I  shall  be !     My  vig,  they're  away ! " 

Affable  and  Mercury  top  the  fence  out  of  cover,  and 
the  whole  pack  follow  with  desperate  velocity.  One 
twang  of  his  horn  is  all  Pigg  gives,  and  then  sticking 
it  into  his  boot,  he  gets  out  of  cover,  hustles  his  horse, 
and  settles  himself  into  his  seat.  Away  they  go,  up  a 
long  grass  field  by  the  side  of  the  cover,  scent  breast 


high,  the  pack  running  almost  mute,  and  the  slow  ones 
beginning  to  tail. 

Pomponius  Ego  having  got  a  good  start,  begins  to 
spur,  and  passes  Pigg  in  his  stride,  singing  out,— 
"  When  Greek  meets  Greek,  then  comes  the  tug  of  war  !  " 

A  stiff  fence,  with  a  strongly  made-up  gap,  brings  him 
up  short,  and  turning  to  Pigg,  he  holloas  out, — 
"  I'll  hold  your  horse  if  you'll  pull  it  down  ! " 


THE   POMPONIUS  EGO    DAY  481 

"  Ar  niver  gets  off  I '"  replies  James,  tlying  ovei-  the 
fence. 

A  gap  at  the  end  by  the  wood  lets  Ego  through,  and 
away  he  strides  after  Pigg,  as  hard  as  ever  his  horse 
can  lay  legs  to  the  ground.  Three  or  four  more  large 
enclosures  are  sped  over  without  any  change  of  position, 
the  hounds  going  best  pace  all  the  time. 

"  Sink  him,  but  he's  made  it  o'er  strang  ! "  exclaimed 
Pigg  to  himself,  thinking  of  the  drag;  "  ar  wish  they 
main't  beat  us,"  looking  at  the  hoimds  running  away 
from  them. 


A  hat  held  against  the  clear  blue  sky  proclaims  the 
line  over  the  hill. 

■■  That's  the  way,  on  him,"  exclaims  Pigg,  pointing  to 
the  holloa. 

"  Curse  the  fellow !  "  replies  Ego,  "  he'll  have  headed 
him  to  a  cei-tainty,"  inwardly  rejoicing  at  the  thoughts 
of  a  check. 

On  they  go.  at  a  pace  truly  awful.  The  drag  has  never 
been  lifted  till  within  a  few  yards  of  the  holloa  on  the 
hill,  and  the  rising  ground  tells  on  the  heaving  horses. 
Now  they  have  a  check,  and  on  jjloughed  land,  too. 
The  hounds  dash  towards  the  fence  beyond,  and  swing 
their  cast  without  a  whimper. 

Pigg  sits  like  a  statue,  giving  his  horse  the  wind,  his 
eagle  eye  fixed  upon  the  pack.  They  throw  uj) ;  and 
now  he  takes  out  his  horn,  gives  one  blast,  and  iu  an 
instant  the  j)ack  are  with  him. 

"  I'll  lay  my  life  he's  headed  back  ! '"  exclaims  Ego. 
"That  confounded  fool  on  the  hill  did  all  the  mischief. 
Do  for  once  try  back,  as  Beckford  says." 

"  Forroard  yonder,  to  the  left  of  the  hairow,"  whispers 
a  confidant  to  James  Pigg,  "tlien  along  tlie  bott<jm  of 
the  next  grass  field,  and  straight  over  Ulverstone 
Pasture  and  Bysplit.  to  tlie  back  of  the  red  house 
yf)uder." 

"  That  can  never  l)e  tlie  line  ! "  exclaims  Ego,  wiping 
tlie  pei'Bpiration  from  his  brow.  "  None  l)ut  a  bom 
idiot  would  make  such  a  cast — in  the  very  teeth  of  the 
wind,  too  I " 

"  How-way,  canny  man  I  How-way  !  "  exclaims  Pigg, 
waving  his  arm  and  pointing  to  Priestess,  hitting  off 
the  scent;  "  how-way,  ar  say ;  what!  hast  get  ten  ne  mair 
ink  i'  pen !  " 

Away  they  go,  at  Ijeat  pace  a«  before,  but  a  lane  at 

I  i 


482  HANDLEY   CROSS 

the  bottom  of  a  turnip-field,  a  mile  or  two  farther  on, 
again  brings  them  up. 

This  check  joins  heads  and  tails.  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who 
has  coine  pounding  along,  in  a  state  of  desperate  per- 
spiring excitement,  all  eyes,  ears,  and  fears,  through 
his  pet  line  of  gates,  jumps  with  his  man  at  the  point 
in  the  lane  where  the  drag  has  crossed.  Both  are  in 
such  a  stew,  that  Jorrocks  can  only  articulate, 
"  Readies !  'ow  they  go ! "  and  Pigg,  all  anxiety  to 
get  his  hounds  across  before  the  tail  comes  up,  exclaims, 
"  Had  bye,  ard  man !  Sink !  ar'll  be  dingin  on  ye 
down  !  "  adding,  "  ye've  ne  carle  to  ride  for  raputation! " 
The  tobacco- juice  streams  down  either  side  of  his  chin, 
and  his  lank  hair  floats  on  the  breeze  as,  bare-headed, 
he  caps  the  hounds  over  into  the  field.  They  are  now 
upon  grass  again.  The  scent  lies  parallel  with  the  lane, 
and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  Avhose  horse  and  whose  self  are 
nearly  pumped  out,  keeps  on  the  hard  load,  followed 
by  a  heterogeneous  tail  of  mud-stained,  elbowing 
horsemen.  The  aspirants  for  fame  stick  to  the  hounds, 
and  follow  them  into  every  field,  Cramcub,  who  cast  up 
as  the  hounds  l^roke  cover,  leading. 

Nothing  can  be  finer  than  the  line !  Large  gi-azing 
grounds,  some  forty,  none  less  than  twenty  acres,  are 
sped  over,  and  twice  Dribbleford  Brook  comes  in  the 
way  for  those  whose  ambition  is  waterproof.  What  a 
scene  !— what  blobbings  in  and  scramblings  out !  what 
leavings  of  hind  legs  and  divings  for  whips,  sticks,  and 
cigar  cases  ! 

Jorrocks,  who  is  well  laid  in  on  the  road  for  a  view, 
screeches  and  halloas  them  on.  "  Now,  Sugar !  now 
Slates  !  now  Dis  ai-ter  six  ! "  Then  up  came  Whezey, 
junior,  looking  very  like  "enough."  "Hover  ye  go!" 
roai-s  our  Master,  cracking  his  ponderous  whip.  "  Oh, 
Mr.  JoiTocks !  (pulf )  I  must  enter  a  (pant)  nolle 
prosequi^'  gasps  the  exhausted  lawyer.  "  Enter  it  then," 
exclaims  our  Master,  delighted  at  the  symptoms  of 
distress,  and  saying  to  himself,  "  If  this  don't  'stonish 
old  Hego,  there  am't  no  halligators !  Come  hup,  you 
hugly  beast,"  he  adds  to  his  horse,  again  spumng  and 
kicking  him  into  a  canter. 

The  hounds  bend  again  to  the  right,  the  stain  of 
cattle  rather  slackens  their  pace,  and  some  heavy  sticky 
fallows  at  length  bring  their  noses  to  the  gi-ound. 
'■  'Eavens  be  praised  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  easing 
his  horse,  and  eyeing  them  toijping  the  fence  between 
the  pastiai-e  and  arable  land  :  '"  we  may  now  have  a  little 


THE   POBIPONITJS  EGO   DAY  483 

bi'eathin"  time,  and  see  if  they  can  'unt  as  well  as  run. 
OL,  tlie  beauties,  'ow  they  spread !  one,  two,  three,  and 
now  all  tog^ether — oh  !  beautiful !  beautiful !  He's  ujj 
the  fuiTow.    Where's  He.so  ?  " 

And  echo  answered,  '"  Where  ?  " 

Mr.  Jorrocks  is  right.  The  mock  "thief  o'  the  world" 
has  gone  up  the  Avet  furrow,  to  the  injviry  of  the  firm  of 
Herring  and  Aniseed,  who  caiTy  on  business  very 
languidly.  Old  Priestess's  unerring  nose  alone  keeps 
the  pack  on  the  line.  Pigg,  however,  is  at  hand,  with  a 
good  idea  of  the  run  of  his  fox,  and  now  carries  away  a 
rood  of  fence  as  he  crashes  into  the  field  to  his  hounds. 
His  horse's  neck  begins  to  stiffen,  and  there  have  been 
one  or  two  ominous  thi'oat-rattles,  but  Pigg  hustles  him 
along,  and  casts  his  hounds  forward  to  Sywell  Wood. 
What  a  crash  !  The  feeble  whimper  that  barely  owned 
the  scent  is  changed  into  a  full  and  melodious  chorus  ; 
every  hound  throws  his  tongue,  and  echo  answers  them 
a  hundred-fold  !     There's  a  rare  scent ! 

The  cover  being  open  at  the  bottom,  the  hounds  are 
quickly  through,  and  Pigg,  catching  Benjamin  at  the 
far  end,  pulls  him  ofB  his  horse,  and  makes  a  fresh  start 
on  the  boy's. 

Grass  again  greets  the  pack.  The  red-topped  house  is 
neared,  and  the  scent  im]jx-oves.  The  hounds  run  stoiit, 
though,  perhaps,  not  carjying  quite  so  good  a  head  as 
might  have  been  desirable,  had  Ego  been  near.  On 
they  go ;  and  now  a  sudden  check  ensues  at  the  corner 
of  the  stackyard.  The  music  that  lately  rent  the  air  is 
lulled ;  the  hounds  having  swung  a  rocket-like  cast, 
stand  staring  with  their  heads  in  the  air. 

"  Who-hoop,  gone  to  ground!"  exclaims  some  one  in 
the  rear,  anxious  for  a  termination  of  the  enjoyment. 

"  Not  a  bit  of  it,"  replies  Mr.  Jorrocks,  knowing  better. 
"  'Old  'ard  !  "  roars  he  to  tiie  forward  roadsters,  who 
are  now  getting  among  the  hounds.  "  You  'air-drcsser 
on  the  chestnut  'oss !  "  holloaing  to  a  gentleman  with 
vei-y  big  ginger  whiskers;  "  Pray  'old  'ard  !  " 

"  Haih-DKKSSKR  !  "  exclaims  tlie  gentleman,  in  a  fnry, 
turning  shoi-t  round  ;  ''  I'm  an  ofiicer  in  the  ninety-first 
regiment !  " 

"  Then  yon  hossifer  in  the  ninety-fust  regiment,  wofc 
looks  like  an 'air-dresser, 'old  'aj'd,"  icplied  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
trotting  on,  adding  most  unconcernedly,  "  Cast  'em 
forrard,  Pigg  !  Cast  'em  forrard  !  or  make  a  patent  all 
round  my  hatter." 

On   goes  Pigg.   making  good  tiie  line  the  warmint 


484  HANDLEY   CROSS 

should  have  gone.  Not  a  hound  speaks  1— all  mute  as 
death. 

"  Werry  rum.  Pigg,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  winking 
significantly  to  his  huntsman,  as  the  latter  trotted  round 
with  his  hounds ;  "  werry  rum — for  once  cast  back — 
clear  the  way  there,  gen'lemen,  if  you  please,  clear  the 
\>ay,  who  knows  but  you  are  right  upon  the  line  o' 
scent ! "  cried  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  the  horsemen  who  were 
clustering  about,  thinking  of  anything  but  what  they 
ought. 

That  would  not  do. 

"Oh,  dear!  oh,  dear!  that's  bad,"  muttered  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks to  James  Pigg ;  "  where  the  deuce  can  the  fool  ha' 
gone  ?  '■" 

We  may  here  state  that  Giles  Gosling,  the  farmer, 
having  seen  Pigg  and  his  comrade  setting  out  the  line, 
and  not  exactly  relishing  their  i^rogress  over  his  wheat 
a  'little  farther  on,  had  watched  Maltby's  coming,  and 
seizing  him,  drag  and  all,  had  stowed  him  away  in  his 
cellar. 

"  Ai*  mun  just  try  to  cross  the  line  on  him,"  observed 
Pigg,  pulling  his  horn  out  of  his  boot,  and  giving  it  a 
twang;  "put  huuds  forrard  'ard  man,"  said  he  to  his 
master,  trotting  on,  and  blov/ing  as  he  went. 

"  Who  ever  saw  such  a  cast  ?  "  exclaimed  Ego,  who 
had  now  got  draggled  up ;  "  your  huntsman  must  be 
mad.  Mr.  Jorrocks  ! " 

"  I'll  lay  a  guinea  "at  to  a  'alf -crown  wide-awake  he 
recovers  his  fox  for  all  that,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with 
a  good  deal  more  confidence  than  he  felt. 

"If  he  does  I'll  eat  him !"  rejoined  Pomponius  Ego, 
with  an  air  of  importance. 

This  prediction,  coming  from  so  high  an  authority, 
combined  with  the  state  of  the  steam,  had  the  effect  of 
stopping  the  majority  (;f  a  pretty  well  exhausted  field, 
who  all  clustered  round  Ego  to  relate  their  daring  leaps, 
in  hopes  of  monthly  immortality.  "  I  leapt  Dribbleford 
Brook."  "I  charged  the  ox-fence  on  the  far  side."  "I 
never  left  the  hounds."  "I  did  this— I  did  that!" 
Ambitious  men ! 

With  fear  and  anxiety  on  their  faces,  Pigg  and  his 
master  bumped  on  in  hopes  of  hitting  off  the  scent. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  was  in  a  desperate  stew. 

"  Oh,  Pigg !"  exclaimed  he,  as  they  got  out  of  hearing, 
"  I'd  give  the  world  to  finish  wi'  blood.  If  you  could 
but  manish  to  kill  him  'ow  gratefully  obleged  I  should 
be  to  you  and  yuur  heirs  for  ever ! "     You  shall  diink 


THE   POMPONIUS   EGO   DAY 


485 


brandy  out  of  a  pint-pot  for  breakfast,  dinner,  and 
supper." 

■■_Ye  said  a  quart !"  observed  the  man  of  the  north, 
eyeing  his  hounds. 

JoiTocks. — ■'  Did  I  ?    I'll  be  as  good  as  my  word.'' 

Pigg.— "  Ords  wnms.  ard  man.  fetch  liunds  on ;  does 
think,  thou  ard  gouk,  ar  can  hit  him  off  o'  mysel'  ?  "' 
looking  back  at  the  hounds  all  straggling  behind  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  horee. 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  pockets  the  rebuke,  and  bestirs  himself 
to  get  the  hounds  on  to  his  huntsman ;  Pigg  trots  on, 
letting  them  feel  for  the  scent  as  they  go. 

Mr.  JoiTocks  bumps  on,  vowing  all  sorts  of  vows  to 
Diana,  if  she  will  only  "ave  the  kindness  to  assist  him 


that  once.  He  wotdd  give  her  a  hat  and  feather!  Ho 
would  give  her  a  swan's-down  umff  and  tipi)et!  Ncay, 
he  would  stand  a  whole  rig-out  at  Swan  and  Hedgar's  ; 
Ijf'ttikits,  bustio,  and  all ! 

Pigg's  eagle  eye  lights  up,  as  a  hat  is  waved  near  the 
windmill  on  the  nsing  groiuid. 

"Yonder  he  is!"  e.xclaiins  James,  grinning  with 
delight. 

"  Vere?"  inquires  Mr.  Jorrocks,  all  eyes,  liko  Cnbiiol 
.Tiinks's  tail. 

Pigg  R])urfl  his  horse,  and  trots  on  to  the  holloa. 

It  is  the  iii.'in,  wlio  Iwis  l^oen  waiting  in  nnxioufl 
expectation,  .'uid  lias  jiist  niiook  thf  fox. 

After  fitariuL'  about,  fteynard  proceeds  from  a  crawl 
to  a  trot,  and  then  sets  liis  head  for  the  vale,  from 
which  the  hounds  have  just  come. 


486  .       HANDLEY  CROSS 

Pigg  views  him  stealincf  past  a  plantation  end,  and 
lays  his  hounds  quietly  on ;  they  quickly  take  up  the 
scent. 

A  stranger  in  the  land,  the  fox  goes  stoiitly  down 
wind,  with  the  hounds  too  near  to  give  him  much 
chance  for  his  life.  As  if  anxious  for  the  promotion 
of  the  sport,  he  makes  for  the  vale,  and  the  pack  come 
swinging  down  the  hill  in  the  view  of  the  field  planted 
below.  Fresh  ardour  is  caught  at  the  sight !  Those 
who  ridiculed  the  cast  are  now  loudest  in  its  praise. 
They  reach  the  bottom,  and  fox  and  hounds  ai-e  in  the 
same  field.  Now  they  view  him !  How  they  strain  I 
It's  a  beautiful  sight.  Old  Priestess  is  tailed  off,  and 
Rummager  falls  into  the  rear.  Ah,  age !  age !  Now 
Vanquisher  turns  him,  and  races  with  Dexterous  for 
the  seize !  Who-hoop !  Fox  and  hounds  roll  over 
together ! 

Now  Pigg  crushes  through  the  Bullfinch  at  the  far 
end,  followed  by  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  doesn't  even  ask 
"  what  there  's  on  t'other  side  ?  "  Master  and  man  race 
for  the  brush,  but  Pigg  throws  himself  from  his  horse, 
and  has  the  fox  liigli  in  air  just  as  the  field  come  up  in 
the  opposite  direction.  What  delight  is  in  every  coun- 
tenance !  There  is  Pigg  holding  the  fox  above  his 
head,  grinning  and  gaping,  with  his  cap  on  one  side, 
his  white  neckcloth  ends  flying  out,  and  a  coat-lap  torn 
to  ribands.  Mr.  Jorrocks  gets  off  his  horse,  and 
throwing  his  hat  in  air,  catches  it  again,  and  then  kicks 
the  crown  out,  while  his  heaving  horse  stretches  and 
shakes  himself  after  his  unwonted  exertion.  Lather ! 
lather  !  lots  of  lather !  Even  drilsbling  Ben  catches  the 
infection,  and  whoops  and  holloas  at  the  top  of  his 
voice. 

Up  comes  Ego,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks,  with  brush  in 
one  hand  and  crownless  hat  in  the  other,  greets  him 
on  one  leg,  waving  the  proud  trophy  about,  and 
hurrahing  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  "  Huin-ah !  hurrah ! 
hurrah !  Allow  me,  Mr.  Pomponius  Hego,"  says  he, 
"  to  present  you  with  the  brush  of  the  werry  gamest 
old  thief  o'  the  world  whatever  was  seen.  Tiuie,  one 
hour  and  twenty  minutes,  with  only  one  check — distance, 
wot  you  please  to  call  it.  Am  sorry  you  weren't  hup  to 
see  the  darlin's  run  into  the  warmint !     Did  it  in  style  !_ 

"  Never  were  sich  a  pack  as  mine ;  best  'ounds  in 
England !— best  'ounds  in  Europe!— best  'ounds  in 
Em-ope,  Hasia,  Hafrica,  or  'Merica !  "  So  saying,  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  resuming  his  equilibrium,  presented  Ego  with 


THE   POMPONIUS   EGO   DAY 


48: 


the  briisli,  who  received  it  with  laudable  condescen- 
sion. 

"  Now,  vot  will  you  do  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks  ;  "  eat 
your  sandwiches  and  find  another  fox,  or  eat  your 
sandwiches  and  cut  away  'ome?  " 

"  Why.  for  uiy  part,  I  should  like  to  try  again," 
replied  Ego ;  "  but  I  fear  your  horse's  condition  is 
hardly  equal  to  another  burst;  added  to  which,  there's  a 
frost  in  the  air  that  will  harden  the  ground,  and, 
perhaps,  damage  your  hounds'  feet.  I  think,  perhaiDS, 
we  had  better  leave  well  alone." 

"  So  be  it."  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "  Here,  then,  you 
chap  with  the  bandy  legs ! "  calling  to  a  knock-kneed 
lad  on  the  other  side  of  the  ring,  "fatch  me  my 
'at-crown ;  the  cold  strikes  through  my  cocoanut." 
Having  got  it,  Mr.  Jorrocks  stuck  the  crown  in  in  the 
best  way  he  could,  and,  remounting  his  horse,  returned 
to  Haudley  Cross  in  state,  and  great  exultation. 

In  the  evening  he  entertained  Mr.  Ego  to  a  sumptuous 
banquet,  the  particulars  of  which  are  recorded  by  him 
in  the  following  chapter. 


a 


CHAPTER  LII 

A     BAD     CHtTRNING 

After  many  prefatory  twangs  of  his  trumpet,  the 
following  account  of  the  visit  at  length  appeared  iu 
the  "  Heavy  Triumvirate  "  :— 

"A  DAT  WITH  MR.  JORROCKSS  HOUNDS: 

BY 

POMPONIUS    KGO. 

"  All  the  world  has  heard  of  the  renowned  John 
JoiTocks— i-enowned  as  a  citizen— renowned  as  a  wit — 
and  renowned  as  a  spoi-tsman;  but  all  the  world  may  not 
know,  until  I  have  the  pleasure  of  proclaiming  it,  that  I 
have  lately  done  Mr.  Jorrocks  the  honour  of  paying  him 
a  visit  at  Handley  Cross  Spa.  But  a  few  words  by  way 
of  introduction:  I  first  became  acquainted  with  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  at  a  soapey-tailed  pig-hunt  at  Moulsey  Hurst, 
which  I  attended  for  the  purpose  of  furnishing  an  original 
article  on  our  great  national  sports  and  pastimes  for  the 
'  Encyclopedia,'  the  '  Quarterly  Review,'  the  '  Heavy  Tri- 
umvirate,' '  Eraser,'  and  '  Blackwood's '  Magazines ;  and, 
liking  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  looks,  I  entered  into  conversation 
with  him,  without  his  having  the  slightest  idea  who  I 
was.  I  subseqiiently  met  him  at  our  excellent  friend 
AckeiTuann's,  when,  on  a  regular  introduction,  he  fully 
developed  those  feelings  of  reverential  awe  that  neces- 
sai-ily  pei^vade  even  the  most  obtuse  when  suddenly 
\ishered  into  the  i^resence  of  transcendent  genius,  that 
— means — me.  Of  Mr.  JoiTocks's  early  life,  habits,  tastes, 
pursuits,  &c.,  I  would  gladly  furnish  the  numerous  and 
intelligent  readers  of  the  '  Heavy  Triumvirate '  with  some 
account,  but  unfortunately  it  does  not  lie  in  my  power 
to  accomplish  so  desirable  an  object.  Many  of  my  readers 
will  doiibtless  ask  why  not  ?  I  answer  them,  because  I 
do  not  know  anything !  Of  his  present  fame,  however, 
there  is  no  doubt;  and  if  he  owes  his  position  in  the  com- 
mercial world  solely  to  the  efforts  of  his  own  head,  who 


A  BAD   CHURNINO  489 

will  deny  that  it  does  him  vei-y  gi-eat  credit  ?  An  English 
uierchant,  in  my  eyes,  is  one  of  the  most  honom-able  and 
enviable  of  men.  'Stat  noniinis  umhria.'  as  the  elegant 
Junius  writes,  for  his  name  is  in  a  blaze  of  light. 
Though  some  may  affect  to  decry  the  lustre  of  civic 
honom-.  such  sentiments  meet  with  no  response  in  the 
breast  of  Ego.  who  knows  what  is  estimable  in  commerce 
as  well  as  in  cover.    But  to  my  point. 

"One  day,  as  I  was  polishing  off  and  weaving  the 
quotations  into  an  admirable  article  on  the  breed  of  the 
unadulterated  'Genuine  Jack-Ass,'  which  many  of  the 
readers  of  the  'Heavy  Triumvirate'  will  doubtless 
anxiously  look  for.  I  received  an  invitation  from  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks  to  inspect  the  Handley  Cross  hounds,  of  which  I 
need  hardly  inform  my  readers  he  is  the  master.  Now, 
this  offer  was  very  kind,  and  I  will  briefly  explain  why  it 
was  so.  In  the  first  place.  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  being  a  master 
of  hounds,  will  naturally  be  supposed  to  have  to  mount 
his  own  men,  and  offering  me  the  loan  of  a  horse  under 
such  circumstances,  converted  such  a  favour  into  a  double 
obligation.  But  have  I  no  other  reason  for  expressing 
myself  in  this  manner  ?  Undoul)tedly  I  have.  _  He  ac- 
companied the  offer  with  an  invitation  to  stay  with  him. 
Could  I  be  so  unwise  as  to  neglect  such  an  invitation  P 
No ;  for  in  the  language  of  the  classic  moralist— I  feel 
'  Nemo  morialium  omnibus  horis  sapit ! ' 

I  regret  that  it  was  not  in  my  power  to  go  to  him  over- 
niglit,  or  I  should  doubtless  have  been  able  to  present 
my  numerous  readers  with  many  excellent  jeu  iVcsprits, 
or  hon  mots,  from  tl)e  lips  of  this  amiable  man;  but  I 
hope  the  following  sketch  of  our  day's  sport  will  make 
some  atonement  for  the  omission. 

"  The  meet  was  on  Buminiiead  Heath,  a  choice  fixture, 
but  though  it  lias  the  reputation  of  never  failing  to  show 
sport,  I  could  discera  on  mine  host's  countenance,  as  we 
rode  along,  an  evident  anxiety  for  the  result.  His  con- 
versation at  first  was  sti-aiigely  moiiosyllabi<r,  and  seeing 
little  probability  <jf  getting  'a  rise'  out  of  him,  I  trotted 
on  to  have  a  little  chat  with  his  huntsman,  a  fellow  of 
tlie  approjiriate  name  of  Hogg.  But  what  an  cxjiinplo 
of  a  man  was  he  !  A  great,  lanky,  hungry,  ilI-con<lilioncd, 
raw-boned  Borderer,  speaking  a  language  formed  of  the 
worst  coiTUptions  of  Scotch  and  English,  intelligible 
only  to  a  master  of  languages  like  myself—a  man  devoid 
of  the  slightoHt  idea  of  civility  or  n-spect.  and  whose 
manner  would  have  bafllcd  anyone  wiio  was  to  be  lj(jrue 


490  HANDIiKY   CROSa 

down  by  impudent  assurance.     Thank   God,  however, 
such  is  not  the  case  with  Pomponius  Ego ! 

'  Yet  if  my  name  were  liable  to  fear 
I  do  not  know  the  man  I  should  avoid 
So  soon  as  tliat  spare  Cassiiis.' 

"  Still  fame  will  work  its  way,  and  even  this  illiterate 
loggerhead,  for  I  question  if  the  fellow  can  wi-ite  his 
own  name,  knew  and  venerated  the  name  of  Ego.  May 
not  I,  tlien,  withoiit  incurring  the  charge  of  vanity, 
exclaim  with  the  ancient  philosopher — 

'  Qua»  regio  in  terria  nostri  non  plena  laboris  ?  * 

I  think  I  may ! 

"  From  the  appearance  of  early  morning  I  feared  we 
should  not  have  been  able  to  hunt,  so  keen  was  the  frost 
at  the  dawn;  but  the  genial  influence  of  an  extremely 
powerful  sun  dispelled  all  fears,  and  before  we  reached 
the  place  of  meeting,  the  country  had  quite  laid  aside  its 
coat  of  white.  I  thought,  what  language  can  elevate  the 
charms  of  Nature,  and  exclaimed,  with  the  Tuscan  poet— 
'  Difficile  est  propria  communia  dicere.' 

Prior  to  throwing  ofP,  Mr.  Jorrocks  presented  the  prin- 
cipal members  of  his  hunt  to  me,  by  all  of  whom  I  was 
received  with  marked  respect,  and  I  am_  sorry  to  add, 
that  he  was  also  thrown  off  himself,  by  his  horse  pitch- 
ing him  over  its  head — an  accident  which  I  saw  once 
occur  to  my  friend  Count  Pitchinstem,  at  his  chMeau 
one  morning,  when  I  was  chatting,  with  the  charming 
Countess  on  my  ami.  I  also  remember,  many  years  ago, 
as  my  readers  may  suppose  it  is,  when  I  say  it  was  in 
the  days  of  Mr.  Corbet,  in  Wai-wickshire,  seeing  Will 
BaiTOw,  his  himtsman  — and  a  better  never  cheered 
hound — get  iDrecisely  a  similar  fall,  at  the  same  time 
of  day,  just  as  he  was  turning  his  horse's  head  for  the 
cover,  and,  strange  to  say,  I  observed  Mr.  JoiTOcks  acted 
just  as  Will  did  on  that  occasion — he  scrambled  up  as 
qviick  as  he  covild,  and  remounted  his  horse. 

"  Now,  then,  for  the  sport !  We  quickly  found  our  fox, 
and  the  scent  being  good,  he  soon  saw  it  prudent  to 
leave  the  cover  and  ti-y  his  fortune  in  the  open.  The 
hounds  got  well  together,  and  everything  seemed 
indicative  of  sport,  when  one  of  those  '  untoward  events,' 
to  which  all  countries  are  liable,  occurred,  and  com- 
pletely changed  the  aspect  of  affairs.  The  fox  was 
shamefully  headed  hy  a  man  at  work,  forced  from  his 
line— one  of  the  best  he  possibly  could  have  selected— 


A   BAD   CHURNINO  491 

and  driven  upon  pri'Oiind  all  foiled  with  the  stain  of 
sheep  and  cattle.  Seeing  what  had  occuiTed,  I  pnlled  ui) 
in  perfect  despair,  and  ahnost  vowed  I  would  never  come 
out  hunting  again.  How  strange  it  is  that  men  will  hoop 
and  holloa  when  they  see  a  fox,  as  though  their  lives 
depended  on  this  exercise  of  their  lungs !  I  have  often 
meditated  a  paper  upon  hoUoas,  and  the  events  of  this 
day  made  me  more  resolved  to  execute  the  intention 
than  ever.  The  readers  of  this  lively  publication  may 
now  look  for  its  aj^pearance. 

"  All  prospect  of  sport  heing  unhappily  annihilated,  I 
complacently  resigned  my  place  of  leader  of  the  front 
rank,  and  contented  myself  with  trotting  quietly  on, 
and  obseiwing  the  performances  of  the  others.  Of  those 
who  went  well,  I  may  particularly  mention  a  Cheshire 
gentleman,  of  large  fortune,  by  the  name  of  Bamington, 
whose  acquaintance  I  had  the  pleasm-e  of  making  some 
years  since  in  Oxfordshire,  when  the  late  Sir  Thomas 
Mostyn  hunted  the  country  Mr.  Drake  now  has,  and  I 
was  happy  to  see  that  the  fine  liand  and  nerve  he  then 
possessed,  had  matured,  with  experience,  into  the  forma- 
tion of  a  good  sportsman.  Mr.  Bamington  asked  me  to 
dine  and  stay  all  night  at  his  house,  which,  I  was  given 
to  understand,  is  the  best  in  Handley  Cj-oss — everything 
done  in  the  most  elegant  style,  which  I  so  greatly 
admire — and  kindly  accompanied  the  invitation  with  the 
offer  of  a  mo\mt  tlie  next  day  the  hounds  went  o\it ;  but 
the  duties  of  preparing  this  article  imperatively  recalled 
n)e  to  my  desk  at  liome.  But  did  Mr.  Bai-nington  do 
nothing  else  for  me  'i  I  answer  yes  ;  lie  gave  me  some 
gingerbread-nuts !  Unexampled  kindness!  He  would 
seem  to  have  sat  for  tlio  picture  so  felicitously  hit  ott'  by 
the  ancient  bard, — 

'  Impij^er,  iracunduK,  inexombilis,  acer  ! ' 

"  But  I  fancy  I  hear  some  of  your  readers  exclaiming 
'Get  fon-ard,  Ego ;  get  forrard;  or  you  will  be  having 
Oxoniensis,*  or  some  of  the  saucy  critics  Ihiuking  you.' 
I  answer,  I  do  not  care  a  kou  for  ()xoniensis  or  any  ci-itic 
on  the  face  of  the  earth.  I  will,  however,  dismisH  this 
subject  in  a  few  words.  After  a  good  deal  of  cold  and 
slow  huTitiug,  we  at  last  worked  up  to  our  fox,  :iii(l  Mr. 
JoiTocks  most  jjolitely  pre.scutcil  inc  with  the  lirii.sh.  in 
terms  far  Ujo  flattering  and  coiupliiuentary  to  admit  of 
my  rejjeating  it  here.    We  then  returned  home.    Arrived 

•  "  Whippor-iii  to  nrU't  Life.  " 


492  HANDLBY   CROSS 

there,  my  most  enthusiastic  fi'iend,  who  was  evidently 
bent  on  sliowin^  oft'  to  advantage,  proceeded  to  introdiice 
me  to  his  bet  won  hats,  accompanying-  each  castor  with 
an  acconnt  of  how  he  got  it.  '  This,'  said  he,  balancing 
a  fine  Jolliffe  punt  on  the  point  of  his  finger,  '  I  won  by 
the  Water-Witch  beating  the  Weasel  from  Wapping  to 
Margate.  This,'  said  he,  producing  a  cream-bowl 
shallow,  '  I  won  at  my  great  Maid  of  Honour  match  at 
Richmond — eat  .eighteen  maids  of  honour  while  Billy 
Buttonhole  was  tucking  in  ten; '  an  appalling  feat,  my 
myriads  of  fair  friends  would  exclaim,  were  I  not  to  add, 
that  said  '  maids '  are  a  species  of  cheese-cake  made  at 
that  beautiful  locality  on  the  Thames.  Then  a  woolley 
whitey-brown  hat  was  the  product  of  prowess  at  the 
'  Cope  ; '  a  shaved  drab,  the  fruits  of  his  gun  at  the  Red 
House ;  a  green  wide-awake  was  won  at  Homsey  Wood, 
and  a  horse-hair  drab  felt  at  Jemmy  Shaw's  rattery. 
somewhere  in  Windmill  Street.  Having  got  through 
the  history  of  these,  he  out  with  his  foxes'  bmshes,  and 
proceeded  to  expatiate  on  them,  each  brash  fvu-nishing 
an  account  of  the  '  finest  run  that  ever  was  seen  ! '  At 
length  he  talked  himself  out  of  breath,  blew  himself,  in 
short;  and  as  he  proceeded  to  arrange  the  brashes 
becomingly  in  the  hats,  and  set  them  out  on  the  side- 
board, like  racing-ciips.  against  dinner,  I  retired  to  the 
privacy  of  my  apartment,  there  to  ruminate  o'er  the 
doings  of  the  day,  and  think  how  best  I  could  furnish  an 
account  that  would  delight  my  anxious  readers,  and 
maintain  the  lustre  of  a  glorious  name. 

''The  Dinner. — At  five  o'clock  precisely,  for  no  man  is 
more  punctual  than  Mr.  Jorrocks,  I  found  myself 
comfortably  seated  with  my  legs  under  his  mahogany, 
in  a  delightful  little  party,  formed  of  my  estimable  host 
and  his  lady,  a  very  Venus,  and  suggesting,  b^  her 
complexion,  the  words  of  the  Poet  of  Love,  *  utjlos'  See.; 
Miss  Belinda  JoiTOcks,  their  niece,  a  most  lovely  and 
fascinating  young  creature,  the  Diana  of  private  life, 
'  rosy  witli  dew,'  as  Moore  says ;  Mr.  James  Stobbs,  a 
Yorkshire  gentlemen— heir,  I  understand,  to  a  pretty 
fortune,  and  who  was  evidently  making  love  to  Miss 
Belinda;  and  another  gentleman  of  the  name  of  Smith," 


* 


•  "  Being  always  most  anxious  for  the  accuracy  of  my  statements,  I 
have  written  twice  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  to  incjuire  which  it  was,  but  rsRri-et 
to  add,  that  up  to  this  time,  the  2.5th  of  the  month,  I  have  not  jet 
received  an  answer.  Should  it  not  arrive  in  time  for  insertion  in  the 
'Heavy  Triumvirate '  this  month,  my  readers  may  rely  upon  its 
appearing  in  the  next  number.— P.  K." 


A  BAD   CHURNIKG  493 

or  Smyth,  but  which  it  was,  I  regret  exceedingly  to  say, 
I  aui  imable  to  state. 

"  We  had  an  excellent  repast,  in  the  old  English  style, 
of  abundant  profusion,  which  I  so  greatly  admire— pig 
at  the  top,  pig  at  the  bottom,  and  myself  on  one  side — 
tui'key  to  remove  one  and  a  couple  of  hares  to  supplant 
the  other.  For  side  dishes,  there  were  what  I  never  saw 
before  in  any  country — a  round  of  beef,  cut  in  two,  one 
half  placed  on  each  side  of  the  table ;  on  inquiry,  I 
found  it  was  done  to  get  the  real  juicy  part  of  the  beef, 
without  the  salt.  In  addition  to  these,  there  were  two 
pork-pies. 

"  But  my  readers  -ndll  naturally  inquire,  '  Had  you, 
Ego,  with  "all  this  eating,  anything  like  drinking  in 
proportion  ?  '  Oh.  indeed,  I  answer  yes— Oceans  of 
Port  I  We  drank  '  Fox-hunting '  again,  and  again,  and 
a^ain.  In  short,  whenever  my  inestimable  host  found 
himself  at  a  loss  for  a  joke,  a  toast,  or  a  sentiment,  he 
invai-iably  exclaimed,  '  Come,  Mr.  Ego,  lefs  drink  Fox- 
'nnting  again  I '  Particulars  I  will  not  enter  into,  but  I 
may  be  allowed  to  speak  of  myself.  I  paid  such  devotion 
to  Bacchus,  that  I  fancied  I  became  the  god  myself ! 
Ego's  forehead  fancied  the  vine-crown  around  it !  But 
he  ti-usts  he  never,  in  his  moments  of  deepest  hilarity, 
forgot  what  was  due  to  l>eauty  and  moral  worth  !  Yet, 
the  wine  m — well  may  we  say  with  the  Augustan  classic — 

"  '  CereuB  in  vitium  flecti,  monitoribus  asper 
Utilinm  tanhis  provisor,  prodifrus  wris, 
Sublimis,  cupidusfiue,  ot  amata  relinquoro  periiix.'" 

"  ^Vny  particulars  of  the  establishment  of  so  celebrated 
a  gentleman  as  Mr.  Jorrocks,  will,  I  am  sure,  be  in- 
teresting to  the  inuiuufrable  readers  of  the  '  Heavy 
Triumvirate,'  I  may,  therefore,  mention  the  first  thing 
that  occurred  to  me  on  returning  to  sensibility  on  the 
fc^llowing  nioniing.  I  was  lying  to.ssing  and  tumbling 
a>)otit  in  a  very  nice  Frencli  bed,  with  white  dimity 
furniture,  witli  a  splitting  headaclie  from  my  over- 
night's Anacrconism,  as  Moore  would  elegantly  call  it, 
wlicu  a  gentle  tap  at  my  d(Jor  first  drew  my  attention 
to  the  fact  that  I  was  not,  as  I  fancied,  in  the  Calais 
Ijacket,  off  Dover.  '  Come  in  ! '  at  length  I  cried,  iifter 
the  knock  had  been  more  than  once  repeated,  and  in 
oljedience  to  the  order,  little  Bf-njamin,  Mr.  Jonvjcks's 
'buoy'  of  all  work,  presented  himself  at  my  bed-side. 
His  whole  person  was  enveloped  in  an  old  fad('<l  gieen 
baize  apron,  but  there  was  no  mistaking  the  roguish 


494  HANDLE Y   CROSS 

g'mni/ictl  countenance  that  appeared  above  it,  even  if  he 
had  suffered  his  tonffue  to  lie  donnant,  which  was  not 
the  case. 

"  '  I  say,  g^uv'nor ! '  exclaimed  he,  in  the  slangy,  saucy 
dialect,  peculiar  to  the  lower  orders  in  London,  '  I  say, 
gaiv'nor,  Betsy  complains  ! ' 

" '  Sirrah  !     Remember  what  the  Latian  said  ! — 

"  Syllaba  louga  brevi  subjecta  vocatur  iambus, 
Pes  citus." 

"  '  Hold  your  tongue ! '  cried  I. 

"  Benjamin  was  struck  with  the  language. 

"  '  What  business  have  you  here  H ' 

" '  Vot  business  have  I  here  ?  I'll  tell  you  vot  business 
I  have  here,'  said  he.  '  The  old  'un,'  (meaning  his 
master)  '  says,  if  your  coppers  are  'ot,  you  may  have  one 
of  his  sizeley  (seidlitz)  pooders,'  producing  a  box  as  he 
spoke. 

"  Mr.  Jorrocks,  however,  I  suppose,  gets  Ben  on  such 
terms  as  makes  it  convenient  for  him  to  put  up  with  his 
impudence,  as  on  no  other  score  can  I  reconcile  the  idea 
of  his  keeping  svich  a  scoimdrel.  One  word  more 
relative  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  and,  for  the  present,  I  take 
leave  of  my  most  respected  friend,  of  whom  none  but 
himself  can  be  his  parallel.  It  may  not,  perhaps,  be 
generally  known,  that  prior  to  Mr.  Jon-ocks  becoming 
master  of  the  Handley  Cross  Fox  Hounds,  his  amiable 
lady  and  he  did  not  live  upon  the  most  amicable  terms, 
and  frequent  feuds  disturbed  the  serenity  of  Great 
Coram  Street.  Since  he  got  them,  all  goes  on  smoothly 
and  well.  Mrs.  Jorrocks  identifies  herseK  with  the 
sports  of  her  husband,  and  not  unfrequently  gi-aces  the 
field  in  a  fly.  Is  not  this  a  compliment  to  hunting ;  and 
may  not  I,  the  chosen,  the  only  i-eal  historian  of  the 
chase,  take  some  little  credit  to  myself  for  the  accom- 
plishment of  so  desirable  an  object  ? 

"I  think  I  may! 

"PoMPONiTJS  Ego!" 

When  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  who  had  anticipated  all  soi-ts  of 
flattering  encomiums  and  agreeable  comparisons — that 
would  place  him  in  the  front  rank  of  sportsmen,  and 
astonish  the  chaps  in  the  city — read  the  foregoing,  he 
was  half  frantic  with  rage,  and  kejjt  dashing  the  '  Heavy 
Triumvirate  "  about  the  room,  until  he  knocked  all  the 
number  to  pieces.  He  then  deliberately  kicked  it  to- 
gether, and,  taking  the  tongs,  burnt  it  before  a  slow  fire 


A  BAD    CHURNING  495 

under  a  heavy  discharge  of  depreciatory  anathemas  and 
declarations  that  it  was  as  much  out  of  date  as  an  old 
six-inside  coach. 

The  following  is  his  enti-y  in  his  Journal  respecting 
the  account  to  heai*  which  he  had  summoned  a  select 
party  to  dinner  :— 

"  Read  Pomponious  Hego's  account  of  me,  my  missus, 
my  miss,  my  'ats,  my  pork  pyes,  and  my  'ounds.  Never 
was  such  nonsense.  This  sort  of  hoiling  won't  answer. 
Always  one  word  for  his  host  and  two  for  himself.  All 
nonsense  payin'  chains  for  butterin'  one  when  one  can 
do  it  so  much  lietter  oneself.  Will  take  a  leaf  out  o' 
the  Blackmore  Wale  chap's  books  another  time. 
Spoiled  the  Vjest  dinner  that  ever  was  cooked— t\irtle 
soup  and  tm-bot— havmch  o'  doe  wenison  and  Stilton — 
couldn't  eat  a  bit." 

And  there,  leaving  him  to  recover,  we  will  take  another 
peep  at  his  huntsman. 


CHAPTER    LIII 

THE    PIGG    TESTIMONIAL 

"  Tis : — Resolved  that  James  Pigg  is  evidently  de- 
sarvin'  of  a  testimonial — is  evidently  desai-vin'  of  a 
testimonial, — yis— is  evidently  desarvin'  of  a  testimonial." 
Sucli  were  tlie  words  that  escaped  the  lanthom  jaws  of 
friend  James  at  the  end  of  a  long  caronse  at  the  sign  of 
the  Salmon  in  Handley  Cross  (beds  Is.,  breakfasts  Is.  6(1., 
dinners  with  ale  2s.  6c/.),  where  a  sporting  or  perhaps 
gambling  conversation  had  gradually  tinned  into  an 
enquiry  as  to  the  best  means  of  raising  the  wind.  Owen 
SheiTy,  the  landlord,  suggested  one  thing ;  Boltem,  the 
billiard-table  keeper,  suggested  another ;  Tom  Taws, 
the  schoolmaster,  a  third  ; — but  at  length  it  was  unani- 
mously agreed  that  there  was  nothing  like  a  testimonial. 
It  required  no  caijital ;  fouriience  for  books,  a  penny  for 
pens,  and  a  like  sixm  for  ink,  would  cover  the  expenses  of 
any  amount  they  could  gather.  It  only  wanted  a 
popular  character  to  testimonialize,  and  where  would 
they  get  such  a  man  as  Mr.  Pigg  ?  They  would  give  it 
a  start,  so  Duncan  Nevin  being,  as  the  most  respectable 
man,  voted  into  the  chair,  it  was  moved  and  seconded — 
"  That  James  Pigg  was  eminently  deserving  of  a  testi- 
monial, and  that  a  committee,  consisting  of  the  present 
party  with  power  to  add  to  their  number,  be  appointed 
to  can*y  the  same  into  effect." 

And,  after  a  glorious  evening,  James  went  hiccuping 
home,  bmnping  against  pillar  and  post,  vociferating — 
"  Resolved !  resolved  that  James  Pigg  is  evidently 
desai-vin'  of  a  testimonial ! — yis — evidently  desai-vin'  of  a 
testimonial ! "  adding,  as  he  nearly  came  over  on  his  nose, 
"  had  up,  'ard  boy,  or  ye'll  be  brikin'  your  knees.  Sink ! 
they  dinna  mak'  their  streets  hafe  wide  enough," 
continued  he,  taking  his  bearings  for  another  lamp  post. 
Then,  as  he  reached  the  top  of  Hill-street,  he  steadied 


THE   PIGG   TESTIMONIAL  497 

himself  awhile,  and  after  shouting  at  the  top  of  his  voice, 
■■  Whativer  ye  de  keep  the  tambourine  a  roulin" !  "  he  gave 
such  a  series  of  shrieks  and  view  holloas,  as  brought  a 
night-capped  head  to  almost  every  window  in  the  street. 

"  What's  the  matter  1  '  demanded  one. 

"  Police ! "  roared  another. 

"  Thieves  I  fire  1  murder ! "  screeched  a  score. 

"  Sink  ye  I  brandy  and  baccy  "ill  gar  a  man  live  for 
iver  I ''  hiccupped  Pigg  again ;  whereupon  a  fresh  volley 
of  yells  ai-ose,  which  Pigg  seasoned  with  view  holloas, 
who-hoops,  and  other  hunting  noises. 

At  length  heads  gradually  withdrew,  windows  closed, 
and  lights  disai)peared,  and  Pigg  went  liu-ching  down 
the  street,  singing,  "  Somuier's  comin'  on,  and  ar  shall 
roul  i'  riches,  and  ar  will  buy  mar  fancy  man  a  pair  o' 
leather  breeches." 

When  Porker,  the  policeman  (No.  9),  was  making  his 
round  some  half-hoiu-  after,  he  stumljled  over  Pigg, 
lying  in  the  gutter  in  Duke-street,  muttering,  as  the 
dirty  water  trickled  under  liis  nose,  "Not  another  drop, 
I  thank  ye.  No,  not  another  drop."  Porker  then  got  a 
shutter,  and,  aided  by  a  comrade,  shot  Mr.  Pigg  down  in 
Mr.  JoiTocks's  back  kitchen. 

The  next  number  of  the  "  Paul  Pry  "  newspaper  con- 
tained a  neatly  worded  paragrai)h,  stating  that  their 
numerous  readers  would  be  glad  to  see  by  an  advertise- 
ment in  their  first  page  that  a  subscription  had  been  set 
on  foot  l)y  ci^rtain  influential  i>arties,  for  the  pin'])ose  of 
presenting  Mr.  JoiTocks's  excellent  Highland  huntsman 
with  a  Ijecoming  testimonial,  whicli  would  afford  all 
well-wibliers  of  their  unrivalled  Spa,  who  didnoti)artake 
of  the  exhilarating  jiastime  of  the  cliase,  an  opi)ortunity 
of  testifying  their  admiration  of  a  man  who  contributed 
so  much  to  the  prosi^erity  of  the  place ;  while  the  great 
"  we  "  said  he  was  sure  all  Hi)ortsmen  would  eagerly  rush 
to  do  honour  to  one  wlios*;  keenness  was  only  equalled 
by  his  HucceHH. 

The  j>aragrai)li,  which  of  course  wa«  paid  for,  con- 
cluded by  saying,  that  in  addition  to  Mr.  Pigg's  eminent 
qualifications  as  a  liuntHUiaii,  he  had  a  claim  upon  tlieir 
Bynipatliies,  sia  a  gentleman  of  ancient  lineage,  and  the 
chief  of  liis  dan,  who  had  been  unjustly  defrauded  of 
his  rightful  inheritance,  which  was  vt;ry  considerable. 

The  folh)wing  is  a  copy  <jf  the  advei'tiseinent  referred 
to,  which  o(;cui»ied  a  consiiicuous  place  in  the  pajjcr. 
along  with  Holloway's  Pills,  Di-e<lge8  Heal-All,  Cockle's 
Aniibilious,  and  similar  sU^ck  announcements  : — 

K  k 


498  HANDLEY   CROSS 

"  PROPOSED   TESTIMONIAL  TO   MR.   JAMES   PIGG, 
HtTNTSMAN   TO    THE   HANDLEY   CROSS  (mR.   JORROCKS's) 

FOX-HOUNDS. 

"  Many  of  the  sportsmen  in  the  habit  of  hunting  with 
this  well-known  and  highly  efficient  pack  having 
expressed  a  desire  to  present  Mr.  Pigg,  their  able 
hnntsnian,  with  a  testimonial  of  respect,  as  well  for  his 
civility  in  the  field  as  his  general  ijrivate  worth,  the 
following  gentlemen  have  consented  to  act  as  a  com- 
mittee to  receive  subscriptions  to  effect  that  object,  and 
they  earnestly  request  the  co-operation  of  all  time  lovers 
of  the  noble  sport. 

"Duncan  Nevin, 
"  Owen  Sherry, 
"Alfred  Boltem, 
"  Simon  Hookem, 
"Judas  Turnbull, 
"Michael  Grasper, 
"  Thomas  Taws, 
"  James  Blash. 
"  John  de  Pledge." 

The  committee  having  agreed  to  sup  together  twice  a 
week  ovit  of  the  proceeds  of  the  subscription,  did  not 
think  it  necessary  to  add  to  their  number,  and  went  to 
work  vigorously,  aided  by  the  chieftain,  who  did  not 
consider  it  derogatory  to  his  dignity  to  canvas  for 
subscriptions;  on  the  contrary,  he  went  about  urging 
people  to  "  be'ave  'andsome,"  intimating  to  some  that  he 
would  "  ride  o'er  them,''  or  "  jump  a  top  on  'em  "  the 
first  time  he  caiight  them  down,  if  they  didn't. 

Of  course  they  went  to  our  Master  first,  who  did  not 
take  the  sanguine  view  the  gentlemen  anticipated. 
Indeed,  he  threw  cold  water  upon  it  altogether,  and 
gave  the  deputation  a  good  lecture  on  the  "wice  of 
insol^riety,  which  he  assured  them  was  the  root  of  all 
evil — adding  that  he  had  seen  drinkin'  tried  in  warious 
lines  of  life,  but  had  never  seen  it  answer  in  any,  and 
hinted  that  he  thought  his  Pigg  would  be  quite  as  well 
without  the  "  'quaintance  o'  cei-tain  gen'lmen  in  'Andley 
Cross,"  looking  significantly  at  Blash  and  De  Pledge  as 
he  spoke.  Finding  there  was  nothing  to  be  got  out  of 
Mr.  JoiTOcks  in  tlie  way  of  cash,  they  proceeded  to  coax 
him  into  being  a  decoy,  by  representing  how  injurious 
it  would  be  to  Pigg  if  his  master  didn't  appear  to 
sanction  the  proceeding;  and  ultimately  Mr.  Jorrocks 


THE   PIGG  TESTIMONIAL  499 

put  his  name  down  for  a  guinea,  our  Master  paying  the 
shilling,  and  making  them  marlv  him  down  "  then  and 
there,"'  as  he  said,  as  having  paid  the  whole. 

They  then  went  to  Captain  Doleful,  who,  appalled  at 
the  amount  Mr.  Jorrocks  had  given,  would  fain  have 
backed  out  of  it  altogether,  on  the  plea  of  not  being  a 
fox-hunter!  but  the  committee  urging  the  same  argu- 
ments upon  him  that  the)-  had  upon  Mr.  Jorrocks,  he  at 
length  consented  to  write  himself  down  for  a  sovereign, 
on  the  assurance  that  it  would  "  never  be  called  for,"  a 
delusion  in  which  he  indulged  until  a  county-coui-t 
summons  enlightened  him  on  the  subject. 

Testimonials,  though  nominally  voluntary,  being  in 
reality  almost  compulsoiT — a  non-subscriber  being 
looked  upon,  if  not  in  the  light  of  an  enemy,  at  all 
events  not  in  that  of  a  friend — money  came  flowing  in 
from  aU  quarters,  especially  from  the  to\vnspeople,  who 
did  not  like  to  be  dimned  face  and  face,  taunted  with 
being  "  shabby  fellows,"  and  "  no  gentlemen,"  as  Pigg 
taimted  them. 

The  counti*y  people  were  more  difficult  to  move,  and 
treated  their  circtilars  very  small;  some  putting  them 
in  the  fire,  others  lighting  their  cigars  witli  them ;  and 
our  active  committee  were  obliged  to  issue  a  second 
circular,  di-awing  attention  to  the  fact  of  their  not 
having  been  favoured  with  an  answer  to  the  first, 
saying,  "  what  the  party  intended  to  give,"  an  ingenious 
device  well  worth  the  attention  of  the  promoters  of 
these  nuisances. 

They  also  inserted  tlie  following  advertisement  in  the 
Handley  Cross  "  Paul  Pry  "  :— 

"testimonial   to    MR.    VJGCi. 

"  At  a  highly  respectable  and  infliumtial  adjourned 
meeting  of  the  friends  of  Mr.  I'Kii;,  lield  at  Mr.  Owen 
Shen-y's,  the  sign  of  the  Salmon,  in  HandU^y  Cros.s,  it 
was  resolved, — That  the  list  be  kept  oj)en  for  a  fort- 
night, to  enable  the  outlying  mcmbiM-s  of  tlie  hunt  and 
others  to  assist  in  lionouring  a  gcntleinaii  who  deserves 
so  well  at  their  liands,  for  liis  clicery  art'aliility  and 
um-emitting  exertions  in  the  noble  cause  of  fox- 
hunting." 

And  so,  leaving  tlie  tfiHtiiiioniai  to  the  benefit  of  its 
fortnight's  gi*ace,  we  will  return  to  f)U)-  notices  of  the 
pack. 


CHAPTER  LIV 


THE    WANING    SEASON 


The  season  was  wearing  out  apace. 

An  unusually  dry  spring  brought  the  country  for- 
ward, and  set  the  farmers  to  their  fences  and  their 
fields.  Ploughs  and  harrows  were  going,  grain  was 
scattering,  and  Reynard  was  telegraphed  wherever  he 
went. 

"  You  bain't  a  coming  this  way  again,  I  s'pose,"' 
observed  each  liedger,  as  he  drove  his  stakes  into  the 
ground  to  stoi)  ujj  the  gaps. 


THE   WANING  SEASON  501 

The  hazel-di'ops  began  to  hans:  from  the  hushes,  the 
lai'ch  assiuned  a  greenish  tint,  and  the  groves  echoed 
to  the  soimd  of  minstrelsy.  The  wood  pigeons  had  long 
been  exhorting  Davy  to  take  two  cows  when  he  was 

about  it — 

"  Take  two  coos,  Davy, 
Take  two  coos," 

as  some  ingenious  gentleman  has  interpreted  their  mild 
melody.  The  rooks,  indeed  all  the  birds,  were  busy — 
primroses  opened  their  yellow  leaves,  and  the  wood 
anemone  shot  into  life  and  wild  luxuriance.  The  bioom 
was  parched  and  the  gorse  sun-ljurnt. 

After  many  days  of  declining  sport,  including  two  or 
three  after  the  old  customer,  the  following  ominous 
paragraph  at  length  appeared  in  the  "  Paul  Pry,"  under 
the  head  of 

"HUNTING  INTELLIGENCE." 

Mr.  Jorrocks's  hounds  will  meet  at  Furzy  Lawn 
Tui-npike,  on  Wednesday,  at  nine  o'clock  precisely." 
Significant  notice !  Another  "  last  day  "  about  to  be 
added  to  the  long  list  of  "'  last  days "  that  had  gone 
>>efore.  The  old  stagers  sighed  as  they  read  it.  It 
recalled  many  such  notices  read  in  com])any  with  those 
they  woiild  never  see  again.  The  young  ones  said  it 
was  a  "pity,"  but  consoled  themselves  with  the  thoughts 
of  a  summer  in  London,  a  yachting  or  a  fisliing  season. 
The  would-l>e  sportsman  wlio  had  Ijeen  putting  off 
hunting  all  the  winter  began  to  think  seriously  of 
taking  to  it  next,  and  to  make  an-angements  for 
NovemVjer. 

Tlie  moniing  of  the  last  day  was  anything  but  pro- 
pitiouH.  The  aim  shone  clear  and  briglit,  while  a  cutting 
east  wind  starved  tlie  Hlicltered  side  of  tlie  face — horses' 
coats  stared,  the  hounds  looked  listless  and  ill,  and  men's 
boots  ciuTied  dust  instead  of  mud-sparks.  Fitful  gusts 
of  wind  hurried  the  dust  along  the  roads,  or  raised  it  in 
eddying  volleys  on  hills  and  exiK)sed  j)lacos.  It  fi;lt  like 
anything  but  hunting;  the  fallows  were  dry  and  jjarched, 
the  buds  on  the  trees  looked  as  if  they  thonght  they  had 
Ijetter  retire,  and  all  nature  yearned  for  rain  rain  wcjuld 
Ije  a  real  blessing. 

Still  there  was  a  goodish  muster  of  pinks,  and  the 
meet  being  on  the  rrtad,  sundry  flys  and  (»ther  K[)orting 
e<juipage8  contributed  their  <|iiota  nf  dust.  Great  was 
the  moaning  and  lamentation  that  the  season  was  over. 


502  HANDIiEY  CROSS 

Men  tluln't  know  what  they  shonld  do  with  themselves 
nil  the  summer.  What  wild  resokitions  they  nii^ht  have 
pledged  themselves  to  is  uneei-tain,  for  just  as  the  draw- 
ing up  of  vehicles,  the  cuttings  in  and  out  of  horsemen, 
the  raising  of  hats,  the  kissing  of  hands,  and  the  volleys 
of  dust,  were  at  their  height,  Walter  Fleeceall's  ominous 
visage  appearing  on  one  side  of  the  gate,  and  Duncan 
Nevin's  on  the  other,  caused  such  a  sensation  that  (to 
avoid  the  dust)  many  of  the  gentlemen  got  into  the 
fields,  and  never  came  near  the  gate  again.  Added  to 
this,  a  great  black  cart  stallion,  with  his  tail  full  of  red 
tape,  whinnied  and  kicked  up  such  a  row  that  people 
could  hardly  hear  themselves  speak. 

At  nine  o'clock,  half  blinded,  half  baked,  and  quite 
bothered,  Mr.  Jorrocks  gave  the  signal  for  leaving  the 
meet.  It  was  a  wildish  sort  of  try,  and  every  farmer 
having  recently  seen  a  fox  at  some  distance  from  his 
own  farm,  James  Pigg  just  run  the  hounds  through 
turnip-fields,  along  dike-backs,  as  he  called  the  hedge- 
rows, and  through  any  little  spinneys  that  came  in  his 
way,  till  he  got  them  to  Bleberry  Gorse.  What  a  change 
had  come  over  the  hounds  since  last  they  were  there ! 
Instead  of  the  eager  dash  in,  they  trotted  uj)  to  it,  and 
not  above  half  the  hounds  could  be  persuaded  to  enter. 

"  l^leu  in,  mav  cannie  hinnies  !  "  holloaed  James  Pigg, 
standing  erect  in  his  stirrups  and  waving  his  cap ;  but 
the  "  cannie  hinnies  "  didn't  seem  to  care  about  it,  aiul 
stood  looking  him  in  the  face,  as  much  as  to  say  so. 
"  Hoic  in  there.  Priestess !  Hole  in !  "  continued  he, 
trotting  round  the  cover,  and  holding  them  at  the  weak 
places,  in  hopes  of  striking  a  scent.  "Ne  fox  here,"  said 
Pigg  to  himself,  watching  the  waving  of  the  gorse  as  tlio 
hounds  worked  leisurely  through  it.  "' Ne  great  odds, 
either,"  continued  he;  '"  could  make  nout  on  him  if  there 

was." 

****** 

"  Where  will  you  go  to  next,  James  P  "  inquired  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  coming  up,  horn  in  hand,  preparing  to  call 
his  hoimds  out  of  cover. 

"A!  ar  dinna  ken,  ar's  sure,"  replied  Pigg;  "mak'a 
little  odds,  ar  think — might  as  well  hunt  o'er  a  pit-heap, 
as  i'  seek  a  country  as  this,"  looking  at  the  baked  fallows 
round  about. 

"  Well,  never  mind,"  replied  Mr.  Joi-rocks.  "  this  is 
ovu"  last  day,  and  high  time  it  was ;  but  we  mustn't  let  it 
be  blank,  if  we  can  'elp  it — so  let's  try  Sywell  Plantation 
— the  grass  at  all  ewents  will  carry  a  scent,  and  I  should 


THE    WANING  SEASON  503 

like  to  heai'  the  Jenny  Linds  a.oain  afore  we  shut  up,  if 
it  was  only  for  five  minutes." 

Out  went  the  horns — Mr.  JoiTocks  determined  to  have 
a  blow,  if  he  could  have  nothing  else,  and  the  hounds 
came  straperling  out  of  cover,  some  lyinsr  down  at  his 
horse's  heels,  others  staring  listlessly  about. 

"  Never  saw  such  a  slack  pack  in  my  life,"  exclaimed 
Captain  Shortfiat,  eyeing  them  as  he  spoke :  '"  I  wonder 
what  Sci-utator  would  say  if  he  saw  them  !  Never  saw 
such  a  listless  lot  of  animals — glad  I've  not  wasted  my 
season  by  hunting  with  them." 

Captain  Shortflafs  opinion  was  caught  by  Master 
Weekly  (at  home  for  the  measles),  who  immediately 
sported  it  as  his  owii  to  his  school-fellow.  Master  Walker 
(at  home  for  the  hooping-cough) ;  and  it  at  length 
coming  to  Mr.  Bateman's  ears,  he  immediately  attributes 
their  slackness  to  the  fact  of  their  being  fed  on  meal 
before  hunting,  which  of  course  he  considered  was  done 
to  save  flesh,  and  thereupon  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  voted  an 
uncommon  great  screw.  Meanwhile  oiu-  Master,  un- 
conscious of  the  verdict,  goes  on  at  a  very  easy  pace, 
feeling  that  a  hot  sun  and  a  red  coat  are  incompatible. 

Sy well  Plantations  are  blank,  Layton  Spinney  ditto ; 
then  tliey  take  a  three-miles'  saunter  to  Simonswood, 
where  they  find  a  hare,  and  at  two  o'clock  Mr.  Jorrocks 
announces  that  he  will  draw  Warrington  Banks,  which 
is  the  last  cover  in  his  draw,  and  then  give  in.  Some 
sportsmen  go  liome,  others  go  on,  among  the  number 
Captain  Shf)rtflat,  who  meditates  an  ai'ticle  in  Bc/f's 
Life  on  "  Slackness  in  general,  and  Ilandley  Cross 
slackness  in  paiticular." 

Tiie  sun  is  very  powei-ful,  and  Mr.  JoiTOcks  gives  his 
hounds  a  laj)  at  a  stream  before  jjutting  them  into 
cover.  Warrinirton  Banks  are  irregularly  fringed  witli 
copsewood.  intermixed  with  Inoom  and  bla(;ktli<»rn : 
lying  warm  to  the  sun,  tlie  grahH  grows  early,  and  old 
Friestes.s  and  Rummager  fcatln-r  across  a  glade  almost 
immediately  on  entering.  PreHcntly  there  is  a  c^liallenge 
— another — then  a  third,  and  a  chorus  swells.  Mr. 
Jorrocks  listens  with  deligiit,  for  thoutrh  a  kill  is 
hojx'le.sH,  still  a  find  i.sfine  -Captain  Sli<»rtfl;i,t  turns  pale. 

The  houndrt  work  on,  bristling  into  tlie  thick  of  the 
cover.  Now  tliey  i)ush  through  an  ahnont iiiii>cnctrable 
thicket,  and  cross  a  ride  l)eyond.  The  choi  us  increases, 
but  tlie  hounds  move  not.    "  Who-hoop  !  it's  a  kill." 

Now  Pigg  jumps  off  his  liors(!,  una  leaving  him  to 
chance,  bounds  over  head  among  the  underwo(Kl.     His 


504  HANDLEY  CROSS 

cap-top  is  jnst  visible  as  he  scrambles  abmit  in  search 
of  the  place.  "  To  the  vi<;-ht !  "  exclaims  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
seeinfr  him  blindly  pushing  the  wrong  way—"  make  for 
the  bie  hash  a  top  of  the  crag  and  you'll  have  'em." 

On  Pigg  goes,  swimming  as  it  were,  through  the  lofty 
gorse  and  brushwood,  and  his  well-known  who-hoop  ! 
sounds  from  the  bottom  of  the  crag. 

"  Bravo  ! "'  exclaims  Mr.  Jorrocks.  chucking  his  hat  in 
the  air.     (He  could  not  afford  to  kick  out  the  crown.) 

"  Delightful !  "  lisps  Captain  Shortflat,  wringing  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  hand. 

"  A  glorious  finish  !  "  rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks,  pocketing 
his  wig. 

"  Charming,  indeed !  "  exclaims  Captain  Shortflat, 
resolving  to  call  it  twenty  minutes. 

"  Catch  Pigg's  horse !  "  cries  Mr.  Jon-ocks  to  a  boy, 
the  animal  having  taken  advantage  of  the  commotion 
to  make  his  way  to  the  well. 

After  a  longish  pause,  during  Avhich  there  appeared 
to  be  a  considerable  scuffle  going  on,  Pigg's  voice  is  at 
length  heard  calling  his  hounds  out  of  cover ;  and  as 
his  head  pops  above  the  bushes,  Mr.  Jorrocks  exclaims, 
"Is"tadog,  Pigg?" 

"  Yeas,"  replies  James, — "  a  banger  tee." 

"  Capital,  indeed  ! "  lisps  Captain  Shortflat ;  "  I'll  take 
a  pad,  if  you  please." 

"  There  aru't  none ! "  exclaims  James  Pigg,  appearing 
with  his  purple-tailed  coat  torn  in  three  places,  and 
several  of  the  hounds  bleeding  aliout  the  mouth. 
"Hounds  wei-e  sae  desp'rate  savish,  ihought  they'd  eat 
me ; "  adding,  with  a  wink,  in  an  undertone  to  his 
master,  ''  It's  nobbut  a  hedgehog,  and  ar's  gettin'  him 
i'  my  jwcket ! " 

Captain  Shortflat,  however,  is  so  delighted  with  the 
kill  and  with  his  own  keenness  in  having  stayed,  that 
he  forthwith  lugs  out  five  shillings  for  James  Pigg, 
declaring  it  was  perfectly  marvellous  that  hounds  should 
be  able  to  run  on  such  a  day — let  alone  kill ;  that  he 
never  saw  a  pack  behave  better  in  his  life — "  Uncommon 
keen,  to  be  sure!"  repeated  he;  "declai-e  the  tips  of 
their  tails  are  red  with  blood." 

The  last  day  closes — Mr.  Jorrocks  lingers  on  the  ride, 
eyeing  his  hounds  coming  to  the  horn,  till  at  last  all  are 
there,  and  he  has  no  other  excuse  for  staying ;  with  a 
pensive  air  he  then  turns  his  horse's  head  for  Handley 
Cross. 


CHAPTER    LV 

PEESENTATION   OF  THE   PIGG  TESTIMONIAIi 

The  PipTf?  testimonial  became  the  fasliion  at  HanJley 
Cross.  Every  subscril>er,  no  matter  how  little  he  had 
piven,  wanted  to  control  the  total  expenditure.  One 
thought  a  silver  salver  with  a  suitable  inscription  would 
1^  the  thing',  another  thought  a  highly-mounted  silver 
honi,  a  tliird  a  silver  cup)  with  the  Pigg  arms  em- 
blazoned thereon,  a  foui-th  suggested  a  portrait  of  Pigg 
l>y  an  eminent  local  artist,  while  a  fifth  inquii-ed  if  there 
was  a  Mistress  Pigg,  in  order  that  they  might  present 
her  with  a  bracelet,  an  armlet,  or  some  such  s\titable 
tribute.  The  trading  subscribers  were  anxious  to  turn 
the  tide  of  benevolence  into  their  own  jjeculiar  lines. 
Selvage,  the  tailor,  thought  it  was  of  no  use  sharing  the 
subscription  with  Frostwork,  the  silversmith,  who  would 
chai'ge  them  nobody  knew  what  for  pattern,  and  fashion, 
and  fiddle-stick ;  while  a  good  suit  oi  clothes — say  a  blue 
coat  with  briglit  buttons,  a  Berlin  vest,  with  a  pair  of 
Oxford  diagonal  rib  trousers  with  bla<-k  stripes  down 
the  sides-  would  be  a  far  more  useful  and  sonsil>le 
present  than  a  cartload  of  plate  to  a  num  without  a  side- 
ward. Bunion,  the  bootiiutker,  tliouglit  a  jjair  of  new 
tops,  or  a  pail'  of  tojjs  and  a  jjair  of  Wellingtons,  would 
V>e  more  in  cliaract«'r  for  a  huiitsnian  ;  while  De  Pledge, 
the  jiawnltroker,  wlio  had  a  very  elegant  onnolu  eight- 
light  candelalniiiii  uj)  tlie  spout,  wanted  to  make  the 
payment  of  his  half-crown  contingent  on  their  taking  it. 
Then  Frostwork,  (m  his  part,  insisted  that  the  correct 
testimonial  to  a  liuntKruan  wasacoifee  and  teapot,  sugar 
basin,  and  cream-ewer,  with  some  spurliug  eiiibleiuatical 
device  engraved  thereon,  and  spoke  of  a  very  nice  set  he 
could  let  the  committee  have  very  reiisonable,  and  which 
was  fit  to  grace  the  table  of  the  first  nobleman  in  the 
land. 

Unfortunately,  however,  for  all  their  sclicmeB  and 
calctilations,  the  money  iiielteil  aliiKjst  as  fast  as  it  was 
collectfHl. 

The  two  suppers  a  wed;  ran  away  willi   nearly  all  that 


506  HANDLBY  CROSS 

the  active  committee  dicln't  run  away  witli  tlieinselves, 
tlie  usual  allowance  of  twenty  per  cent,  for  non-paying 
subscribers  being  taken  into  account. 

This  was  rather  an  awkward  circumstance,  no  testi- 
monial being  perfect  without  a  presentation;  and 
Handley  Cross  of  all  ]jlaces  being  the  last  that  could 
afford  to  dispense  with  any  excitement-giving  pro- 
ceeding. 

As  usual,  those  who  had  given  the  least  made  the 
most  noise,  and  it  very  soon  became  evident  that  nothing 
but  a  public  presentation  would  satisfy  the  expectations 
of  the  place.  The  "  Paul  Pry  "  had  inadvertently  mag- 
nified our  huntsman  into  a  hero,  and  as  it  was  rumoured 
that  he  was  likely  to  recover  the  money  his  "  fore  elder 
John  "  had  deprived  him  of,  he  began  to  be  looked  upon, 
by  the  fair  sex  in  particular,  as  a  gentleman  in  disgiiise. 
Some  even  hinted  that  he  was  the  rightfiil  owner  of 
Balmoral.  The  more  the  thing  was  talked  about,  the 
more  impossible  it  became  to  avoid  letting  people  see 
to  the  application  of  their  money ;  and  at  length  it 
was  settled  that  the  testimonial,  which  the  committee 
insisted  on  selecting  themselves,  should  be  i^resented  at 
a  half-crown  six  o'clock  meal,  which  would  serve  the 
aristocracy  for  a  dinner,  and  the  democracy  for  a  supper. 

Mr.  DelPledge,  the  pawnbroker,  who  had  the  care  of  a 
very  extensive  assortment  of  first-rate  jewellery,  agreed 
to  job  a  handsome  gold  watch  with  a  Watherston  and 
Brogden  chain,  provided  he  were  allowed  to  strip  Pigg 
of  the  same  when  the  party  broke  up ;  and  these  pre- 
liminaries being  arranged,  they  began  to  look  about  for 
a  chairman.  This  was  rather  a  difficult  point,  it  requir- 
ing a  gentleman,  while  the  "  Salmon,"  though  extremely 
comfortable,  was  only,  as  its  tariff  shows,  a  second  or 
third-rate  house.  Many  gentlemen  wei-e  named,  but 
there  were  objections  raised  to  them  all.  One  couldn't 
sjieak,  another  couldn't  drink  ;  a  third,  Pigg  or  some  of 
them  had  insulted ;  while  a  foui-th  was  so  entirely  a 
townman,  that  he  would  be  sure  to  keep  the  country 
people  away.  At  last  they  hit  upon  Puppy  Cackler,  as 
he  was  improperly  called,  a  sort  of  social  bat,  hovering 
between  town  and  country.  The  countiy  people 
wouldn't  have  him,  and  he  wouldn't  have  the  towns- 
people, so  between  the  two  he  was  badly  oft'  for  society. 
Before  Handley  Cross  became  what  it  is,  his  place, 
Venial  Coui't,  was  in  the  country,  and  he  had  no  notion 
of  losing  caste  because  the  town  had  chosen  to  build  up 
to  it. 


PRESENTATION   OF  THE   PIGG  TESTIMONIAL        507 

At  first  he  demurred  to  takiiis"  the  chair,  because, 
though  the  hunt  might  be  considered  a  country  thing, 
yet  the  testimonial  was  a  town  one. 

However,  his  great  natural  love  of  a  let-off  prevailed, 
and  he  consented  to  preside,  fii-st  informing  himself  as 
accurately  as  he  coiUd,  for  he  was  no  sportsman,  of  Mr. 
Pigg's  habits  and  antecedents. 

The  walls  of  Handley  Cross  then  became  alive  with 
red-lettered  bills,  announcing  that — 

HOEATIO    CACKLEB,    ESQUIEE, 

OF  VERNAL  COURT, 

WOULD   PRESENT  THK 

PIGG    TESTIMONIAL 


Salmon  Hotel, 

at  six  o'clock  on  Thursday  evening,  and  forthwith  the 
dandified  Horatio  began  to  comb  out  his  words,  and 
string  together  his  sentences  in  his  usual  inflated  uiuch- 
ado-about-notliing  style. 

The  committee  had  then  to  bestir  themselves  to 
prepare  Pigg  both  outwardly  and  inwardly  for  the 
occasion— outwardly  in  the  way  of  clotlies,  and  inwardly 
in  tlie  way  of  a  speecli  expressive  of  liis  gratitude.  As 
tliey  thought  to  catch  a  few  more  subscribers  by  making 
out  tliat  there  was  still  a  slight  deficiency  in  the  price 
of  the  Watherston  and  Brogden  chain,  it  was  at  first 
proposed  to  dress  Pigg  up  as  a  Highlander;  but  oiir 
friend  rebelled  and  libelled  tlie  costujne  in  t(;rms  not  fit 
to  be  reproduced.  His  own  wardrolje,  consisting  of  the 
clothes  in  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  hired  him  (/•/(/(-  p.  r.)2), 
being  clearly  inajiplicable,  liis  hunting  ones  were  then 
canvassed;  l>ut  ccuisidoring  that  he  was  to  ajjpear  in 
tlie  character  of  an  (.ut-of-luck  gentleman,  it  was  deter- 
mined to  draw  on  D<'  Pledge's  ample  stores  for  a 
becoming  suit. 

The  Hijeech  was  the  most  difficnlt  thing  to  manage, 
for  though  Taws,  the  schoolmaster,  wrot<!  him  out 
several  nifjst  ai)propiiat(!  ones.  Pigg  could  never  be 
induced  U)  get  one  by  lieait,  n'_lying,  like  many  untried 
orators,  on  the  occasion  Hupi)lying  the  needful. 

Whenever  Taws  <;:iin(j  to  get  hiiu  t.i  recite,  he  was 
always  tcjo  busy  to  attend  t<^>  him. 


508 


TTANDLEY  CROSS 


On  the  appointed  day,  Batsay  having  boiTOwed  one  of 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  best  frilled  shirts,  and  Mr.  Baminpfton's 
Avasherwoman  having  supplied  him  with  one  of  that 
gentleman's  oi-thodox  collars,  Pigg  was  seen  turning 
out  of  De  Pledge's  side-door  in  an  uncommon  "  get-up." 
Blash,  the  barber,  had  cut  and  curled  him,  at  least  what 
there  was  of  him  to  c\irl,  while  the  imijosing-looking 


.MK.    JAMES    PIGG 


frill  was  further  developed  by  a  much  amplified  lace- 
tijiped  Joinville,  and  a  broad  roll-collared  white  waist- 
coat, with  imitation  bloodstone  buttons.  From  his 
I'oomy-sleeved  Ijlue  dress  coat  pocket  peeped  a  cambric 
kerchief — a  thing  altogether  beside  Pigg's  wants,  as 
were  the  braces  that  now  preserved  the  equilibrium  of 
a  pair  of  candle-light  kerseymeres  over  his  red-legged 


PRESENTATION   OF   THE   PIGG  TESTIMONIAL        509 

patent  leather  boots.  A  damaged  Gibus  bat  sat  at  an 
uneasy  sort  of  half-cock  on  his  head,  while  he  flom-ished 
a  pair  of  eighteenpenny  lemon-coloiired  kids  in  his  hand. 
Thus  attired,  he  proceeded  along  Columbine  Street 
thi-ough  Larkspur  Crescent  to  Longpod  Lane,  eliciting 
the  gi-inning  laughter  of  the  growm,  and  exclamations 
from  the  little  boys  of  "L-a-u-k.  that's  Pigg!"  "Did 
you  ever .'' "     "  No,  I  never ! "  and  so  on. 

AiTived  at  the  Salmon  Inn.  there  was  such  a  crowd 
about  the  door,  that  De  Pledge  and  Taws,  who  had 
agreed  to  walk  at  a  respectful  distance  behind  Pigg — 
near  enough  of  coiu'se  to  prevent  his  bolting  with  the 
clothes — now  came  up,  and  with  their  authoritative 
"  make  way  there,  make  way ! "  informed  the  starers 
that  the  gaunt  elbower  was  the  hero  of  the  night.  Pigg 
then  puslied  through  the  dooi^way,  and  was  presently  in 
the  bar  at  the  end  of  the  passage,  where,  finding  a  couple 
of  glasses  of  gin  on  a  tray  ready  for  sei-ving,  he  just 
swigged  them  off,  and  then  demanded  where  he  was  to 
gan  ?  His  keepers,  who  were  close  upon  him,  now  took 
each  an  arm,  and  led  him  uj)  the  crowded  old-fashioned 
staii'case,  for  the  " Salmon "  was  Roger  Swizzles  old 
original  Handley  Cross  house,  to  the  low  reception  I'oom 
— his  supporters  urging  him  to  mind  his  P's  and  Q"s  and 
"  be'ave  like  a  gentleman." 

Mr.  Jonocks,  tliough  rather  jealous  of  the  whole 
proceeding,  had  an-ived  sky-blued  and  canaried  all  the 
same,  and  was  forming  ])ai-t  of  a  select  circle  round  the 
intense  swell  of  a  chairman,  when  "  Mister  Pigg ! "  came 
towering  in  after  his  name. 

The  sea  of  society  dividing  as  Pigg  approached,  the 
chainnan  and  he  were  presently  ris-a-ris. 

"  Ho'o  ist,  canny  man?  ho'o  ist?"  exclaimed  James; 
"give  us  a  wag  o'  thy  nief,"  tendering  his  lioniy  fist  to 
the  thin-skinned  Mr.  Cacklor.  Then  turning  to  his 
astonished  master,  he  added,  "Sink,  thous'  beat  me  here 
ilifn,  'ard  man  !  " 

The  cliainiian,  hearing  this,  rather  recovered  the  shock 
of  his  own  salute,  and  attrilmting  tlierougimessof  Pigg's 
manners  U}  tlie  iiiggedness  of  his  country, 

"  Caledoiiiu  alcrn  und  wild," 

jirocef-dod  to  try  and  ingratiate  himself  with  liini  nf)t- 
witlistanding. 

"  Beautiful  weather,"  said  Mr.  CWkler,  rubliing  his 
hands  us  if  he  was  washing  them. 


510  HANDLEY   CROSS 

"  VaiTii,"  replied  Fifig,  with  a  hitch  of  what  he 
thought  were  his  brace-less  breeches. 

"  Hope  you've  ^ot  a  isrood  appetite,"  observed  the 
chainuan,  as  the  smell  of  dinner  came  mounting  up- 
stairs. 

"  Can't  say  ar  liev,'"  replied  James,  fumbling  about  for 
his  baccy  box.  "  Can't  say  ar  hev,"  adding — "  ar's  ne 
greet  eater  at  ony  time — drinkin's  better  for  the  teeth 
nor  eatin'.  Sink,"  continued  he,  still  fumbling  about 
for  his  baccy  box,  which  he  had  left  in  his  own  coat- 
pocket,  and  catching  a  sight  of  himself  in  the  opposite 
mirror.  "  Sink,  ar  wonder  what  mar  coosin  Deavilboger 
would  say  gin  he  were  to  see  me  rigged  out  like  a 
squeire,  toppin'  arle  corled,  and  sark  lap  stick  in'  oxit 
ahint,"  Pigg  ducking  and  bending  and  turning  about  to 
examine  himself  as  he  spoke. 

"  What  sort  of  weather  have  they  in  the  north — do 
you  hear,  Mr.  Pigg  ?  "  asked  the  chairman,  thinking  to 
fix  his  exact  locality. 

"A,  grand  weather!  gi-and  weather!"  replied  Pigg; 
"it's  arleways  gi-and  weather  there.  Sink,"  continued 
he,  speaking  full  gallop — "  Ar  wish  ar  was  there — gin  ar 
had  me  reets,  ar  de  believe  ar'd  been  a  gen'l'man  this 
day,  and  hontin'  my  own  hunds,  only  you  see  mar  fore 
elder  John  you  see,  John  Pigg  you  see,  willed  arle  wor 
brass  to  the  fonnary  ye  see,  and  left  me  wi'  fairly  nout 
— gin  ye  gan  to  the  foiTaary  yell  see  it  arle  clagged  up 
i'  great  goud  letters  gin  the  warll,"  Pigg  fibbing  away 
at  the  chairman  until  he  got  him  "  clagged  up  'gin  the 
warll "  too. 

At  this  critical  moment,  Owen  SheiTy,  the  landlord, 
annoimced  that  dinner  was  served,  whereupon  a  bowing 
match  took  place  between  Pigg  and  the  chairman, 
Pigg  not  understanding  what  Mr.  Cackler's  motioning 
towards  the  door  meant.  The  latter  at  length  put  an 
end  to  the  controversy  by  i-unning  his  arm  through 
Pigg's,  and  leading  him  out  of  the  room — presently 
bringing  him  to  an  anchor  on  the  right  of  the  chair, 
with  a  round  of  beef  under  his  nose.  JoiTOcks  followed, 
closely  pressed  iipon  by  the  company  at  large,  who  soon 
filled  the  not  vei-y  long,  long  room  of  the  Salmon. 
After  the  usual  rushing,  and  scrambling,  and  fighting 
for  seats,  silence  was  at  length  obtained,  when  grace 
being  said,  they  fell  to  with  the  voracity  of  foxhoimds. 

The  delicate-feeding  Pigg  astonished  the  chairman 
by  asking  for  a  third  hel])  of  beef,  after  he  had  had 
what  appeared  to  Mr.  Cackler  two  most  suflBcient  ones, 


PRESENTATION   OF   THE   PIGG  TESTIMONIAL        511 

together  with  an  inordinate  quantity  of  winter  calihage, 
caiTot,  and  peas  pudding.  The  half-crown  only  affording 
eatables,  the  company  were  soon  invited  to  give  their 
orders  for  fluids,  and  the  table  presently  became  dotted 
with  pint  decanters,  which  in  a  more  aristocratic  house 
would  have  done  duty  for  l^ottles.  The  guests  then 
began  challenging  Pigg  to  take  wine,  upon  which  our 
friend  desired  them  to  send  up  the  bottles,  obsei'\'ing 
"  that  it  was  ne  compliment  to  a  man  to  ax  him  to  drink 
at  his  own  expense."'  Thus  Pigg,  who  had  bargained 
for  a  bottle  of  ram  to  himself,  got  a  very  considerable 
quantity  of  other  liquor  to  the  saving  of  his  spirit.  J^ot 
that  he  did  save  it  much,  for  he  kept  applying  to  it 
pretty  freely  between  times,  drinking  nearly  a  ijint 
during  dinner.  So  the  entei-tainment  proceeded  amidst 
great  clamour,  and  the  astonisliment  of  Mr.  Cackler,  at 
the  manner  in  which  the  chieftain  eat  with  his  knife. 
At  length  the  most  vigorous  appetite  was  appeased,  the 
clatter  gradually  died  out,  and  the  guests  began  j^uffing, 
and  wheezing,  and  niminating  on  what  was  to  follow. 

The  cloth  being  drawn,  and  gi-ace  said,  the  chairman 
prosed  through  the  usual  loyal  and  patriotic  toasts,  and 
then  paiised  for  the  grand  let-off  of  the  evening. 
Having  duly  received  the  gold  watcli  with  the  glittering 
AVather.ston  and  Brogdeu  cliaiu  at  the  hands  of  Mr. 
De  Pledge,  and  examined  it  carefully  inside  and  (mt,  he 
coiled  the  chain  becomingly  round  the  watch  on  the 
table,  and  clearing  his  voice  with  a  substantial  "  hem," 
stood  well  erect,  with  his  right  hand  extended  and  his 
left  rei)08ing  in  his  emerald  green  velvet  vest,  to  i)our 
the  vial  of  his  eloquence  ujion  our  curley-pated  Pigg. 

"Mr.  Pigg!"  said  he,  in  a  sonorous  voice,  amidst 
general  applause :  "  Mr.  James  Pigg,"  repeated  he, 
coiTecting  nimselr,  for  lie  liked  to  do  everything  by  the 
card. 

"  Aye,"  intemipted  James,  chuckling  and  laughing, 
"that's  just  what  they  carl  me  i'  the  smarl  debts 
coourt." 

"  Mr.  JanifH  Pigg,"  continued  Mr.  Cackler,  amidst 
laughter  frf)m  the  int^^'iTtiptiou,  "the  pleasing — the 
extraordinarily  j)leaHiiig  and  iiiterestiug  -  I  may  say 
exciting  task  of  jircHonting  you  witli  Hiis  glittci-injr 
meiiioi-ial  of  our  appreciation  and  appi'oval,"  taking  up 
the  wat<di  and  showing  the  sparkling  cliain  fnli  Icngtli 
as  he  spoke,  "  has  Ix-en  entnisted  imworthily  entrusted 
I  fear  (a]i])lau8f,  with  cries  of  '  No,  no,')  to  the  'limbic 
individual  who  now  stands  before  you;  Vmt,  Mr.  Pigg 


512  HANDLBY   CROSS 

— that  is  to  say,  Mr.  James  Pigg — let  not  the  inefficiency 
of  tlie  spokesman  l^e  to  you  a  measure  whereby  to  judge 
of  the  estimation  in  which  you  are  held  in  this  great 
county — a  coiuity  second  to  none  in  the  kingdom, 
whether  we  regard  its  agricultural  properties,  or  the 
wealth  and  respectability  of  its  inhabitants.  (Applause 
from  the  country  section  of  the  party.)  No,  Mr.  Pigg, 
let  the  merits — demerits  rather — of  the  spokesman  be 
no  more  to  you  a  measure  whereby  to  judge  of  the 
estimation  in  which  you  are  held  than  is  this  trifling 
present,"  again  floiuishing  the  testimonial,  "riclily 
jewelled  though  it  be  (applause),  a  criterion  of  the 
value  the  covmtry  sets  upon  your  services.  (Renewed 
applause.)  Never  was  a  call  more  heartily  responded  to 
than  the  suggestion  that  we  should  mark  the  appro- 
bation in  which  you  are  held  by  all  ranks  and  conditions 
of  her  Majesty's  subjects.  (Great  cheering.)  Your 
courtesy,  your  urbanity,  your  tnie  gentlemanly  ease 
and  polished  politeness,  are  the  universal  theme  of 
approval  on  every  tongue." 

"  Sink !  noo  thous  mackin'  gam  on  me  !  "  roared  Pigg, 
striking  furiously  on  the  deal  table  with  his  doubled  list. 

"  Hush,  James  !  hush  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTOcks, 
kicking  him  under  the  table,  fearing  he  would  pitch 
into  the  chairman. 

"  Permit  me  to  say,  sir,"  continued  the  chairman, 
looking  rather  foolish  at  his  butter  not  being  swallowed, 
"  permit  me  to  say,  sir,  that  yoiu-  private  worth  is 
equalled  only  by  your  public  prowess.  As  a  huntsman, 
you  are  unrivalled !  (Great  ajiplause.)  For  charging  a 
bullfinch  or  negotiating  a  brook,  I  am  told  there  is  not 
your  equal  in  her  Majesty's  wide  dominions.  (Renewed 
apyjlause,  with  a  "  Keep  the  tambourine  a  rouliii' ! "  and 
clapping  of  hands  from  Pigg.)  But  these  considera- 
tions," continued  the  chairman,  shirking  the  ground  on 
which  he  was  weak  as  soon  as  possible;  "but  these 
considerations  sink  into  insignificance  compared  to  the 
excellent  moral  example  your  good  and  orderly  conduct 
has  set  to  all  ranks  and  conditions  of  jjeople  in  this 
rising  and  important  town.  (Applause,  mingled  with 
laughter,  fi-om  Pigg's  more  intimate  friends.)  Tou 
have  indeed  shown  that  the  highest  sporting  enterprise 
is  not  incompatible  with  the  gentlest  and  most  ex- 
emplary private  virtues."  (Renewed  laughter  and 
applause.) 

"  On  >>ehalf  then  of  the  subscribers,"  continued  Mr. 
Cackler,  again  taking  u}>  the  testimonial,  "  permit  me 


PBESKNTATION   OF  THE   PIGG  TESTIMONIAL        513 

to  beg  your  acceptance  of  this  gold  watcli  and  append- 
age." Mr.  Cackler  proceeding  to  invest  Pigg  with  them 
as  he  spoke,  much  in  the  manner  of  a  mayor  investing 
his  successor  with  the  badge  and  chain  of  office.  Having 
placed  the  watch  in  the  left-hand  pocket  and  an-anged 
the  chain  becomingly  over  the  white  waistcoat,  he 
rubbed  his  delicate  hands  together,  and  thus  resumed. — 

"  Long,  sir,  long  may  you  Ije  spared  to  enliven  the 
woods  and  dales  of  this  country  with  your  melodious, 
spirit-stirring  voice,  and  should  kind  Providence  decree, 
which  I,  which  we  all,  most  fervently  pray  may  be  the 
case — should,  I  say,  kind  Providence  decree  that  you  be 
again  restored  to  those  ancestral  honours  of  which  you 
have  been  so  cnielly,  so  unjustly  deprived,  then  amid 
the  wild  solitudes  of  your  mountain  grandeur  may  the 
mild  notes  of  that  repeater  recall  the  wami  hearts  that 
beat  responsive  in  Handley  Cross." 

Mr.  Cackler  bowed  low  to  Pigg  and  the  jjarty,  and 
resumed  his  seat  amidst  loud  and  long-continued 
applause.  As  it  gradually  died  out,  all  eyes  became 
turned  upon  James,  who  kept  winking  and  nodding  in 
his  seat  as  if  going  to  sleep.  At  length  the  cry  of 
"  Pigg  !  now  Pigg  !  James  Pigg  !  "  became  so  general 
that.our  Master  was  obliged  to  kick  him  under  the  table, 
backing  the  application  of  his  foot  with  an  authoritative 
"now  then!"  which  caused  Pigg  to  start  and  stare 
wildly  about. 

"  It's  the  8r>eech,"  now  whispered  Taws,  who  had  slunk 
along  at  the  back  of  the  guests,  in  his  ear.  "  The 
speech,  returning  thanks,  you  know." 

"Aye,  aye,"  reiJJied  James,  prej)aring  to  rise,  which  at 
length  he  did  witli  some  difficulty,  :ind  stood  with  his 
lionours  around  liiiii,  receiving  the  plaudits  of  the 
company.  As  they  in  turn  subsided,  he  was  observed 
to  sway  to  and  fi-o,  so  much  so  that  it  was  even  l)etting 
whether  he  fell  Itackwards  or  forwards. 

"Sink  !  "  excliiiiiK'd  he,  sawing  tlio  air  with  his  right 
hand,  and  then  chipjiing  tlie  two  violently  togetlier, 
'■  Sink,  but  James  Piirg's  a  brick  ;"  whereupon  he  went 
back  over  like  a  ladder. 

Great  then  was  the  confusion.  All  rushed  to  the  aid 
of  the  fallen  cliieft;iin.  f)ne  slnicfd  him  with  water, 
another  took  ofT  liis  Joinville,  a  third  rtpeinMl  his  vest,  a 
foui-tli  HiiL'gf'Hted  Ik'M  1,(;  Ixittci-  for  some  hr;nidy,  while 
Mr.  Jorrocks  hinted  that  perhiips  he'd  ha<l  enough. 

In  the  midst  of  the  confusion,  the  anxious  Mr.  De 
Pledge  alone  looked   after  the   t«;8timoniul,  and   under 

L  1 


514  HANDLEY   CE0S8 

pretence  of  taking?  care  of  it,  proceeded  to  strip  off  the 
Watherston  and  Brogden  chain,  with  its  substantial 
appiii'tenance. 

Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  had  eyed  the  watch  as  it  lay  on  the 
table,  with  the  look  of  an  old  acquaintance,  now  begged 
leave  to  examine  it,  and  finding  the  name  and  number 
as  he  expected — "  Green,  Ward,  and  Green.  No.  1157," 
he  coolly  claimed  it, — his  fair  friend  of  the  frying  pan 
having  pawned  it  at  De  Pledge's  a  few  days  after  the 
Pinch-me-near  forest  day.  So  whatever  happened  to 
others,  Mr.  Jorrocks  at  least  came  in  for  his  own. 

Pigg  was  then  conveyed  home  in  a  fly,  and  the  refined 
Pujipy  Cackler,  disgusted  at  having  been  called  upon 
to  do  honour  to  such  a  tiger — left  too,  whereupon 
Duncan  Nevin  was  called  to  the  chair,  and  with  a  some- 
what shortened  table  the  conviviality  of  the  meeting 
was  prolonged  to  the  little  hours  of  the  morning.  As 
Taws  and  he  at  length  steered  their  way  home  in  a  very 
blind  leading  the  blind  sort  of  way,  the  glimmering 
lights  in  the  "  Pry  "  printing  office  reminded  them  that 
the  paiier  then  pi-inting  off  would  contain  an  account  of 
things  as  they  ought  to  have  been  and  not  as  they  were. 
However,  it  was  too  late  to  alter  it  even  if  they  had  been 
in  a  fit  state  to  do  it.  So  the  absentees  were  treated  to 
a  very  different  version  of  what  happened,  to  that  which 
we  have  given.  After  expatiating  on  the  excellence  of 
the  entertainment — an  excellence  peculiar  to  Owen 
Shen-y  and  the  Salmon  Hotel,  it  proceeded  to  give  the 
opening  speeches  much  as  we  have  given  them,  and  con- 
cluded with  the  following,  which  Mr.  Pigg  was  stated 
to  have  delivered  with  much  feeling  and  marked 
emphasis  as  soon  as  the  cheering  caused  by  his  rising 
subsided. 

Pigg,  loquitur. — "Mr.  Chairman  and  gentlemen,  I  rise 
under  feelings  of  no  ordinary  difficulty  to  return  you 
my  most  heartfelt  and  grateful  thanks,  as  well  for  the 
superb  and  valuable  testimonial  you  have  been  pleased 
to  present  me  with,  as  for  the  flattering  terms  and 
cordial  enthusiasm  with  which  the  presentation  has 
been  accompanied  and  received.  (Applause.)  Gentle- 
men, splendid  as  this  testimonial  is  (producing  it  as  he 
spoke)  its  real  and  intrinsic  value  to  my  feelings  is  the 
assurance  it  conveys  that  the  exertions  I  have  made  in 
the  fiu-therance  of  your  sport  and  in  promoting  the 
prosperity  of  this  queen  of  watering  places  have  not 
been  in  vain.  (Great  applanse.)  But,  gentlemen,  I  do 
not  arrogate  to  myself  the  whole  of  the  success  that  has 


PRESENTATION   OF   THE   PIGKl  TESTIMONIAL        515 

attended  these  exertions.  I  have  tho  liononr  and  good 
fortune  to  sei'\-e  under  a  gentleman  whose  name  is  closely 
associated  with  everything  that  is  great,  liberal,  and 
patriotic.  (Immense  applause.)  It  is  only  for  me  to 
suggest  anything  either  in  the  way  of  hounds,  horses, 
or  hunting,  and  it  is  sure  to  be  responded  to  by  my 
most  excellent  and  liberal  master.  (Renewed  applause.) 
Gentlemen,  I  could  expatiate  without  fear  of  wearying 
either  you  or  myself  on  the  merits  of  our  most  popular 
master,  were  it  not  that  hia  fame  is  universal,  and  his 
humility  equal  only  to  his  fame.  (Immense  applause.) 
Long,  I  say,  may  the  town  of  Handley  Cross  profit  by 
the  presence  of  such  a  sportsman !  (Renewed  cheers.) 
For  myself,  I  may  tnily  say  I  look  upon  it  as  the  hap- 
l)ie.st  incident  of  a  somewliat  cliequered  life  (applause), 
that  my  lot  has  lieen  cast  in  such  waters.  (Renewed 
applause.)  And  now,  gentlemen,"  continued  Mr.  Pigg, 
dashing  a  tear  from  liis  manly  eye,  "again  let  me  thank 
you  for  this  memorial  of  your  friendshi])  and  esteem, 
infinitely  more  valual:)le  from  that  feeling  than  in 
money's  worth,  great  as  that  undoubtedly  is  (loud 
cheering),  a  memorial  that  I  will  hand  down  as  an 
heirloom  in  the  Pigg  family  to  the  latest  generation." 

The  report  statied  that  Mr.  Pigg  resumed  his  seat 
amid  loud  and  long-continued  aijplause,  far  different 
to  falling  back  over  like  a  ladder,  as  lie  did.  But  Ave 
dare  say  the  repoj-t  was  not  a  bit  more  exaggerated  than 
the  generality  of  tlie  reports  of  these  daily  increasing 
outbursts  of  8iK>ntaneou8  coercion. 


CHAPTER  LYI 

SUPERINTENDENT  CONSTABLES  SHARK  AND  CHIZELER 

Next  day,  as  our  Master  was  labouring  away  at  his 
g'reat  work,  the  "  Life  of  Johnny  Gilpin,"  Betsey  came 
to  say  that  the  "  PoUis  "  wanted  to  see  him. 

"  Pollis  !  "  exclaimed  JoiTocks,  di-oppinj?  his  pen  with 
evident  alai-m ;  "  PoUis !  wot  can  the  PoUis  want  wi' 
me  ?  "  thinking  he  had  come  to  take  him  up  for  stealing 
the  watch.  And  in  an  instant  our  Master  saw  the  whole 
paraphernalia  of  the  law  from  the  inquisitiveness  of  the 
Justice  to  the  disagreeable  familiarity  of  Jack  Ketch 
paraded  before  his  eyes. 

"  Shall  I  send  him  in,  then  ?  "  asked  Betsey,  sui-prised 
at  her  master's  perturbation. 

"  In  then ! "  ejaculated  Jorrocks.  "  In  then ! "  repeated 
he,  staring  out  his  eye-balls.  "  Yes — no — yes— that's  to 
say,  prisently,"  thinking  if  he  was  rid  of  Betsey  he'd 
bolt  the  back  way. 

The  gentleman,  however,  who  had  followed  close  upon 
Betsey "s  heels,  here  made  his  appearance,  and  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks found  himself  confronted  with  the  man  of  law. 
He  was  a  hairy,  seedy,  well  set-up,  military -looking  man, 
dressed  in  a  sliabby  hook-and-eyed  braided  blue  frock 
coat,  which  concealed  as  weU  the  deficiency  of  linen  as 
of  waistcoat.  His  trousers  were  very  broad,  badly- 
washed  cords,  strapped  under  a  pair  of  boisterous  badly- 
soled  boots.  Altogether,  he  was  a  sort  of  cross  between 
a  Serjeant  and  a  circus-master.  He  was  a  draft  from 
the  rural  police  in  an  adjoining  county,  where  his 
dissolute  habits  had  procured  him  a  hint  that  his 
"  resignation  would  be  accepted,"  an  an-angement  that 
enabled  the  Chief  Constable  to  give  him  high  testimo- 
nials for  his  present  situation,  to  ol^tain  which,  of 
coiirse,  he  represented  to  the  innocent  Justices  he  had 
resigned  his  former  appointment.  He  was  now  Superin- 
tendent Constable,  and  he,  who  couldn't  control  himself, 
was  i)laced  in  authoi'ity  over  others. 

He  had  a  capital  berth  of  it,  having  no  one  to  look 
after  him,  and  took  his  salary  as  a  sort  of  retaining  fee, 


8TJPT.   CONSTABLES   SHARK   ANI>   CHIZELER  517 

looking:  upon  "incidentals,"  as  lie  elesrantly  called  his 
extortions,  as  tlie  real  emoluments  of  his  office. 

He  was  a  sharp  fellow,  too,  and  could  twist  and  trim 
facts  so  as  to  inveigle  people  into  prosecutions  who 
would  never  have  instituted  tlieni  if  left  to  themselves. 
In  these  cases  he  had  his  fling  at  Sessions  or  Assizes, 
where,  with  always  fresh  victims  to  work  upon,  he 
preyed  upon  their  generosity  with  considerable  advan- 
tage, besides  having  his  "reglers"  from  the  reprobate 
lawyer  with  whom  he  confederated.  If  he  could  not 
manage  a  commitment,  then  he  would  have  a  little  snug 
bill  01  costs  drawn  out  so  as  to  exhibit  great  activity, 
though  his  researches  were  generally  directed  to  pai-ts 
of  the  country  where  he  wanted  to  visit  ratlier  than  to 
where  he  was  likely  to  catch  the  offender.  His  horse — 
like  most  of  those  worthies'  horses — was  a  phantom  one, 
for  he  rarely  had  one,  never  if  he  could  turn  a  penny  by 
selling  it. 

His  activity  was  unbounded.  He  would  di-ink  in  any 
company,  no  matter  how  low,  for  the  purpose,  as  he  said, 
of  worming  out  secrets,  though  the  quantity  of  di-ink 
he  took  generally  made  the  information  of  very  little 
value  on  the  mon-ow.  No  offence  was  too  trifling  for  his 
vigilant  eye.  Indeed,  he  showed  his  activity  cTiiefly  in 
trifles,  and  in  drawing  out  bombastic  reports  of  his 
wonderful  exploits.  Omar  Paclia  himself,  at  the  head 
of  a  victorious  army,  was  not  half  sucli  a  hei-o  as  Super- 
intendent Shark  marching  triumphantly  along  with  a 
few  shivering  stick  or  tuniip-stealers,  whose  fluttering 
rags  scarcely  concealed  their  povei-ty-strickon  naked- 
T)«'»H.  But  we  will  let  his  intei-view  witli  Mr.  Jorrocks 
Hpeak  for  his  genfM-al  i>erformances.  We  will  suppose 
him  entering  the  sanctum. 

Having  advanced  right  into  the  middle  of  the  room, 
ho  drew  himself  bolt  ui)right,  and  ])utting  liimself  in  tlie 
first  position,  gave  our  Miister  a  full  military  swing  of  a 
salute.  This  i-ither  coinfortcd  our  friend,  who  exi>ected 
a  different  sort  of  coiimicnceinent. 

"  Your  sei-v'ant,  Sir,"  said  the  Superintendent,  dropping 
his  arm  straiglit  down  his  side  with  a  sound. 

"  Yours,"  bowed  our  Mastei-,  still  full  stare. 

"I  have  made  frco.  Sir,  to  cill,  Sii,"  said  tlie  Sui)cnn- 
tendent,  elevating  his  voice  to  witness-box  pitch;  "I 
have  iriade  fno,  Sir,  to  call,  Sir,  res|)ecting  the  \evy 
daring  and  outrageous  robbeiy  that  was  committed  upon 
your  iKJi-Hon  on  the — " 

"What    robbei-y?"    inb'trui)fcd    Mi-.   Jorrocks,   still 


518  HANDI.EY   CROSS 

thinking  tliere  was  some  mistake,  and  that  the  Superin- 
tendent would  be  collaring  him  after  all. 

"  The  robbery  of  the  watch,  Sir ;  the  gold  watch  and 
seals.  Sir;  '  J.  J.,  St.  Botolph's  Lane,'  on  a  red  cornelian 
seal ;  *  J.  J.,  Great  Coram  Street,'  on  a  white  cornelian 
seal,  with  a  gold  fox-head  key  and  ring ; "  refen-ing  to 
a  large  clasped  volnme,  like  a  regimental  orderly  book, 
as  he  spoke. 

"  Oh.  ah,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  diy-shaving  his  chin. 
"  I  did  lose  my  ticker,"  thinking  perhaps  the  less  stir  lie 
made  about  it  tlie  better:  especially  now  that  he  had  got 
it  safe  in  his  fob. 

"From  information,  Sir,  that  I  received,  Sir,"  con- 
tinued the  Superintendent,  "I  had  reason  to  suppose 
that  the  pai-ties  who  robbed  you  of  your  very  valuable 
property.  Sir,  were  part  of  a  most  daring  gang  of 
burglars  and  smashers,  who  have  taken  up  their  quai-ters 
at  East  Poppington,  on  the  borders  of  the  county,  Sir, 
and  immediately  I  heard  of  the  robbery,  Sir,  which  was 
not  until  the  Monday  afternoon.  Sir,  at  two  o'clock,  Sir ! 
yes,  at  two  o'clock.  Sir,  I  immediately  proceeded  to 
Superintendent  Chizeler's,  for  it  is  not  in  my  district, 
and  consulted  with  him  as  to  the  expediency  of  apijlying 
to  Augustus  Frederick  Emanuel  Smith,  Esq.,  of  East 
Rosemary  Hall,  the  nearest  magistrate,  for  a  wan-ant, 
Sir — yes.  Sir,  for  a  warrant.  Sir — but,  Sir,  Superintendent 
Constable  Chizeler,  Sir,  who  is  an  officer,  Sir,  of  great 
ability  and  experience.  Sir,  thought  the  case  was  hardly 
sufficiently  ripe,  Sir,  for  a  warrant,  Sir,'and  recommended 
that  we  should  pursue  our  enquiries  and  investigations 
conjointly  together  a  little  longer,  Sir,  which  we  did,  Sir, 
and  I—" 

"  Then  you  didn't  grab  'em  ?  "  interrupted  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, thinking  how  well  they  had  run  a  false 
scent. 

"  No,  Sir ;  that  is  to  say,  not  yet.  Sir ;  but  from 
information  I  am  now  in  possession  of.  Sir,  I  have  little 
doubt.  Sir,  that  the  parties  may  be  got,  should  you  direct 
us  to  follow  them  up,  which,  of  course,  Sir,  for  the  sake 
of  example,  a  gentleman  in  your  position  will  do." 

"  Humph  !  "  grunted  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  thinking  they  had 
better  leave  them  alone. 

"  Only,"  continued  the  Superintendent,  drawing  up  to 
his  point;  "as  the  investigation  has  lasted  a  considerable 
time,  and  been  attended  with  some  little  expense,  I 
considered  it  my  duty  to  consult  you  before  incurring 
any  further  cost." 


SUPT.  CONSTABLES  SHARK  AND  CHIZELER    519 

"  Humph  I  "  piimted  Mi-.  Jorrocks  again,  beginning 
to  see  throiigh  the  o]>ject  of  the  mission. 

"  The  charges,"  continued  the  Superintendent,  pro- 
ducing a  bill  from  the  important-looking  book,  opening 
and  laying  it  before  our  Master,  "  are  merely  the  usual 
charges  for  money  out  of  pocket,  money  absolutely 
expended  in  the  necessary  prosecution  of  the  enquiries." 

"  Humph ! "  grunted  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  preparing  to  peruse 
it. 

It  was  a  large,  lawj-er-like  bill,  a  delicacy  with  which 
most  of  our  readers,  we  dare  say,  are  familiar.  Thus  it 
ran: — 

"Account  of  Expenses  lioney  fidey  incun-ed  by 
Jonathan  Shark,  Superintending  Constable  for  the 
Hundi-ed  of  Hungerlaw,  in  i>rosecuting  an  enquiry  into 
a  most  daring  and  aggrivated  robbery  committed  on  the 
person  of  John  JoiTocks,  Esquire,  Master  of  the  Handley 
Cross  Foxhounds : — 

Superintendent  Shnrk  proceeding  from  Nutfield  to  Gilderdalex 
to  udvi.se  with  Suijeriniendent  Ohizuler  letpcctinjf  tlie  ] 
alKive  darinp  roljlxjry,  and  as  to  the  characters  of  certain  | 
parties  rc«idin^  in  his  district,  and  as  to  the  propriety  of  ;  0  10  C 
apprehending  a  certain  party  on  snspicion  of  beiui;  tlie  1 
culprit,  having  lo  remain  at  the  Dun  Ck>w  at  Gilderdalo 
all  nitjht 

Personal  experises  to  East   Popi)ington  alonp   with  Super-) 

intendent  C'hizeler,  to  make  further  eu'iuiries,  one  night  (    ^  j,^    ^ 
aiid  day,  7n.  6d. ;  gig  hire,  including  ostler  and  horse'.s  ' 
keep,  lis  6d 

Having'  received  information  th'it  the  suspected  party  had 
gone  to  Nferiy  woBther  fair,  proceeding  there  by  gig  and  I 
horse  with  Huperinteudent  Chizeler,  gig  hire  and  horso's  )    1    4    0 
keep,  128. ;   peri-onal  expenses,  Superintendents  Shark  j 
and  Chizeler,  128 

ExpenBes  incurred  by  Superintendent  Shark  going  to  Blather-)    q    ,^    q 
field  to  see  Mr.  Jaw  in  the  case 3 

Mr.  Jaw  not  being  able  to  attend  to  it,  Superintendent  Chizeler)    050 
prnccedintr  to  niirlint;ton  to  see  Mr.  Law    .        .        .        .S 

Gig  hire,  including  ostler  and  horse's  keep        .        .        .        .      0  12    0 

Paid  convi-yan<«  from  Niitlleld  to  Rushton  to  see  and  try  to •_    ^^  ^^    ^ 
got  III)  evidi'iico,  including  ostler 1 

Gig  hire  for  Superintendents  Shark  and  Cliizelor  from  Gilder--^ 

dale  t*)  Airylano,  making  on(|uiry  ufrcr  a  cerUiin  witness', '■  0  11     C 
including  ostler ) 

Persfinal  cxpftnwB  f.ir  thatdayund  nightforSuporiutendontBl    ^    7    q 
Shark  and  Ctiizeler ( 

Extra  expcnws  for  Su](erintcrident  Shark's  horse  at  Gildor-'X 

dalcl  nights,  ho  hnving  to  use  it  occasionally  in  making  C  0  12    6 
enouirifs  into  tho  alKJVe  very  wriou*  and  aggrivated  case,  C 
including  oBtlor ) 

Total     .        .  .      6  17    6 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Juriocka.  with  a  chuck  of  his  chin, 


':\ 


520  HANDLEY  CROSS 

after  reading  it ;  "I  dai-esay  it's  all  riglit— at  least  I 
doesn't  know  nothin'  to  the  conti'ary — you'd  better  take 
it  to  the  chap  who  employed  you,  and  see  wot  he  says." 

"  Oh,  this,  Sir,"  replied  the  Superintendent,  putting  on 
a  bold  face;  "this.  Sir,  is  the  mere  ijreliminary  charge 
that  is  always  borne  l^y  the  prosecutor,  Sir ;  that  is  to 
say.  Sir,  by  the  party,  Sir,  losing  the  pi'operty.  Sir ;  even. 
Sir,  if  it  had  gone  before  the  magistrate,  Sir,  A\ignstus 
Frederick  Emanuel  Smith,  Esquire,  of  East  Rosemary 
Hall,  no  part  of  these  costs  would  have  been  allowed  in 
the  certificate  of  expenses,  under  the  seventh  of  George 
the  Fourth,  Chapter  sixty-four.  Section  twenty-two,"  the 
Superintendent  thinking  to  floor  oixr  Master  with  a 
I'edundancy  of  law. 

"  Well,  but,"  replied  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  di-y-shaving  his 
chin ;  "  well,  but  s'pose  the  party  likes  to  lose  his 
propei-ty,  there's  no  law  'gin  his  bein'  'commodated, 
I  s'pose." 

"  Why,  no,  Sir ;  cei-tainly  not.  Sir ; "  replied  the  Super- 
intendent, looking  rather  blank :  '"  only  that,  Sir,  is  a 
case,  Sir,  the  law  does  not  contemplate,  Sir." 

"  Well,  but  neither  does  the  law  contemplate  keepin' 
you  and  your  quad,  and  then  havin'  you  joltin'  'bout  wi' 
Chizeler  in  a  'ired  gig,  livin'  at  inns  and  places,  as  if  you 
'ad  nothin'  from  the  county." 

"  Ah,  that  you  see.  Sir,"  replied  the  undaixnted  Shark  ; 
"  that  you  see,  Sir,  was  in  consequence  of  my  having  to 
go  out  of  my  own  district.  Sir,  you  see,  Sir,  in  con- 
sequence of  information  I  received,  Sir,  I  proceeded  at 
once  into  Superintendent  Constable  Chizeler's  district, 
and—" 

"  Well !  but  surely  you  can  follcjw  your  fox,  that's  to 
say,  yoxu'  thief,  into  another  man's  country,  and  take 
'im,  prowided  you  don't  dig  'ini,"  retorted  Mr.  JoiTOcks, 
indignantly,  reasoning  by  analogy  to  fox-hunting. 

"Yes,  Sir;  exactly  so.  Sir,"  replied  the  complacent 
policeman.  "  Yes,  Sir ;  exactly  so,  Sir ;  only  you  see, 
Sir,  it  is  necessary,  Sir,  to  have  the  original  warrant 
backed  by  a  magistrate  of  the  county  into  which  you 
follow  him." 

"  But  if  you  haven't  got  a  warrant.  If  you're  takin'  a 
bye  on  your  own  'count ;  'ow  then  ?  "  asked  Mr.  JoiTocks. 

The  policeman  was  posed. 

"  Well,  I  don't  know  nothin'  'bout  nothin'  o'  the  sort," 
resumed  Mr.  JoiTocks,  twisting  and  turning  the  bill 
about,  to  see  if  he  would  like  it  better  in  any  other 
position.     "  Well,  I  don't  know  nothin'  'bout  nothin'  o' 


STJPT.   CONSTABLES   SHARK   AND   CHIZKLER  521 

the  sort — it  may  be  all  right  and  proper  'irin'  gigs  and 
'esses  when  you  are  paid  for  keepin'  your  own,  and 
chargin'  pussonal  expenses,  you  and  Chizeler,  when 
you're  paid  for  keepin'  yourselves  ;  but  I  doesn't  goinside 
i'  that  'pinion.  Wot  I  says  is  this,  that  if  a  man  likes  to 
be  robbed,  it's  werry  'ard  if  he  mayn't  be  indulged,  but  a 
man  had  l)etter  be  both  robbed  and  murder'd  than  'ave 
sich  a  bill  as  this  sent  in  to  'im.  Zounds,  Sir !  You  do 
take  my  life  when  you  take  the  means  whereby  I  live," 
exclaimed  Mr.  Jon-ocks,  boiling  up,  as  he  doubled  up  the 
bill,  and  thrust  it  back  upon  his  -visitor. 

And  the  disgusted  Superintendent,  who  had  arranged 
for  having  a  lark  with  Superintendent  Chizeler  at 
Jollyfield  hiring,  retired  very  much  disgusted  at  our 
Master's  spiritless  parsimony,  declaring  that  it  was 
utterly  impossible  to  expect  Superintendent  Constables 
to  do  their  duty  if  they  were  not  properly  supported. 


CHAPTER  LVII 

THE   PROPHET  GABRIEL 

"  That  was  Gabriel  Junks !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
rising  from  his  seat,  and  nishin^  to  the  window. 

Sure  enough  it  was  Gabriel  Junks ;  and  after  a 
short  pause,  another  scream,  more  shrill  and  piercing, 
confirmed  Mr.  Jorrocks's  surmise.  Seizing  his  hat,  he 
rushed  into  the  garden. 

It  was  a  misty  sort  of  morning,  and  the  sun  was 
labouring  through  the  flitting  clouds  that  obsciu-ed  its 
brightness.  The  wind,  too,  had  got  into  the  south,  and 
there  was  a  fresh,  growing  feeling  in  the  air  that  spoke 
of  spring  and  returning  vegetation.  The  peacock  again 
screamed,  and  sought  the  shelter  of  a  laurel. 

"  As  sure  as  my  name's  John  Jorrocks,  there's 
goin' to  be  rain,"  observed  our  worthy  Master,  scrutinizing 
the  bird.  "  As  sure  as  my  name's  John  JoiTOcks,  there's 
goin'  to  be  rain,"  repeated  he.  "  Pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe !  " 
exclaimed  he,  scraping  the  crumbs  from  the  bottom  of 
his  jDOckets  and  throwing  them  to  his  prophet. 

Gabriel  Junks  rushed  from  his  retreat,  and  having 
picked  up  the  crumbs,  stood  eyeing  Mr.  Jorrocks  with  a 
head-on-one-side  sort  of  leer,  which  he  at  length  broke 
off  by  another  loud  sci-eam,  and  then  a  rattling  spread 
of  his  tail.  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  the  bird  were  thus  stand- 
ing vis-a-vis  when  James  Pigg  made  his  appearance. 

"  I'll  lay  a  guinea  'at  to  a  'alf-crown  gossamer,  there's 
goin'  to  be  rain,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  his  huntsman, 
pointing  to  the  bird. 

"  De'il  bon  me,  if  ar  care,"  replied  Pigg;  "  ar  hasn't 
gettin  ne  seeds,  nor  nothin' — may  be  Deavilboger  wad 
like  a  sup,"  his  mind  harking  back  to  "  canny  Newcassel." 

"  "Well,  but  don't  ye  see,  if  it  rains  we  can  have  an 
'unt,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  astonished  at  his  huntsman's 
stupidity. 

"  Se  we  can!"  exclaimed  Pigg,  all  alive;  "dash  it! 
ar  niver  thought  o'  that  now — another  bye-day — sick 
a  one  as  the  first— ay  ?  " 

"  Vy  no — not  exactly,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  not  relishing 


THE   PBOPHET  GABRIEL 


523 


an  entire  repetition  ;  "  but  s'pose  we  have  another  turn 
at  the  old  customer — ffo  out  early,  and  drasr  up  to  the 
warmint,  find  him  wheu  he's  full — may  be  a  cock,  or  a 
hen,  or  a  Gabriel  Junks  aboard,"  looking  at  the  bird  still 
strutting^  about  with  his  tail  spread. 
"  Sink  it,  aye !  "  said  Pigf? ;  "  let's  gan  i'  the  morn." 


MR.    JOKROCKS   Alfl)    I'lOO    DIMNK    "  FOX -HU»  TIHO  " 


Mr.  .Torrocks.- "  Tf   it   comoH  wet   wo  will.     Wo   can 
feed  th'  'ounds  at  all  ewents,  and  be  ready  for  a  start." 
•  *«*** 

The  day  continued  hazy,  but  still  no  rain  fell.  JunkR, 
however,  jjeraisted  in  iii.s  adruonitionB.  and  Mr.  .Iftn'f>ck8 
felt  HO  certain  it  would  rain,  tli;it  Ik;  liiid  f'itrtr  into  the 
parlour  in  the  evejiintr  U>  make  arrauf^'fUK^nts  for  the 
mominK-  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  Belinda,  :ind  Stobl)H  had  jjone 
out  to  tea,  and  Mr.  Jornx'ks  was  h^ft  all  alone. 


524  HANDLET   CROSS 

Master  and  man  Lad  an  anxious  confabulation.  Mv. 
Jorrocks  was  all  for  Piuch-me-near,  while  Pigg  recom- 
mended Hew-timber  Forest. 

Of  course  Jorrocks  carried  his  point. 

About  nine  Betsey  brought  the  supper-tray,  and  Jor- 
i-ocks  would  treat  Pigg  to  a  glass  of  brandy-and-water. 
One  glass  led  to  another,  and  they  had  a  strong  talk 
about  hunting.  They  drank  each  other's  healths,  then 
the  healths  of  the  hounds. 

"Ill  give  you  old  Priestess'  good  'ealth!"  exclaimed 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  holding  up  his  glass.  "  Fine  old  betch, 
with  her  tan  eye-brows — thinks  I  never  saw  a  better 
'ound— wise  as  a  Christian ! "  Pigg  proposed  Manager. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  gave  Ravager.  Pigg  gave  Lavender,  and 
they  drank  Mercury,  and  Affable,  and  Crowner,  and 
Lonsey,  and  Mountebank,  and  Milliner — almost  all  the 
pack,  in  short,  each  in  tura  being  best.  A,  what  a  dog 
one  was  to  find  a  fox.  A,  what  a  dog  another  was  to 
drive  a  scent. 

The  fire  began  to  hiss,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  felt  confident 
his  prophecy  was  about  to  be  fulfilled.  "  Look  out  of 
the  winder,  James,  and  see  wot'un  a  night  it  is,"  said  he 
to  Pigg,  giving  the  log  a  stir,  to  ascertain  that  the  hiss 
didn't  proceed  from  any  dampness  in  the  wood. 

James  staggered  up,  and  after  a  momentary  grope 
about  the  room — for  they  were  sitting  without  candles 
• — exclaimed,  "  Hellish  dark,  and  smells  of  cheese ! " 

"Smells  o'  cheese!"  repeated  Mi*.  JoiTOcks,  looking 
round  in  astonishment ;  "  smells  o'  cheese ! — vy,  man, 
you've  got  your  nob  i'  the  cupboard— this  be  the  vinder," 
continued  he,  rising  and  opening  some  shutters  painted 
like  the  cupboard  door  in  the  other  comer.  Mr.  JoiTOcks 
undid  the  fastening  and  threw  up  the  sash. 

The  night  was  dark — black  as  pitch — not  a  star  was 
visible,  and  a  soft  warm  rain  was  just  beginning  to  fall. 

"  Didn't  I  tell  you  so  ?  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  draw- 
ing in  his  hand,  and  giving  his  thigh  a  hearty  slap ; 
"didn't  I  tell  you  so?"  repeated  he,  "I  was  certain  it 
was  a  goin'  to  rain,  that  Gabriel  Junks  was  never  wi'ong! 
— Is  better  than  all  your  wanes  and  weathercocks,  and 
Aneroid  glasses  wot  ever  were  foaled.  We'll  drink  his 
'ealth  in  a  bumper!"  So  saying,  Mr.  Jorrocks  and  Pigg 
replenished  their  glasses,  and  drank  to  "  the  health  of 
Gabriel  Junks." 

Pigg  then  would  treat  his  master  to  a  song — a  song 
about  ard  Squier  Lambton  and  his  bunds ;  so,  ejecting 
his  quid  and  filling  a  bumper,  he  chaunted  the  following, 


THE   PROPHET   GABRIEL  525 

oiir  Master  chiminj^  in,  and  substitutine:  tlie  name  of 
JoiTocks  for  that  of  Lambton  in  the  chorus : — 

*  "  Though  midnight  hor  dark  frowning  mantle  is  eprending, 
Yet  time  flies  unheeded  where  Bacchus  resides; 
Fill,  fill  then  j-oiir  glasses,  his  power  ne'er  dreading, 
And  drink  to  the  hounds  o'er  which  Lambton  presides. 
Though  toast  after  toast  with  great  glee  has  been  given. 

The  highest  top-sparkling  bumper  decides, 
That  for  stoutness,  pace,  beauty,  on  this  side  of  Heaven, 
Unrivalled  the  hounds  o'er  which  Lambton  presides ; 

Then  drink  to  the  foxhounds, 
The  high  mettled  foxhounds, 
"We'll  drink  to  the  hounds  o'er  which  Lambton  presides, 

"  Let  Uckerby  boast  of  the  feats  of  the  Eaby, 

And  Ravenscar  tell  what  tbe  Hurworth  have  done, 
But  the  wide-spreading  pastures  of  Sadberge  can  swear  to 

The  brushes  our  fleet  pack  of  foxhounds  have  won. 
Then  that  Sedgefield,  our  couniry,  all  countries  outvies,  sir, 

The  highest  top-siiarkling  bumper  decides. 
That  we've  foxes  can  fly,  sir,  or  sinking  must  die,  sir. 

When  pressed  bj'  the  hounds  o'er  which  Lambton  presides. 

Then  drink,  Ac. 

"  Of  theii-  heart-bursting '  flys  '  let  the  Leicestershire  tell  us, 
Their  plains,  their  ox  fences,  and  that  sort  of  s'uff, 
But  give  uie  a  day  with  the  Sedgefield  bravo  fellows. 

When  horses  ne'er  flinch,  nor  men  cry,  hold,  enough. 
Whil.Ht  the  blood  of  old  Ca;sar  our  foxes  can  boast,  sir, 

May  I^ambton  their  only  dread  enemy  be, 
And  the  green  waving  whins  of  our  covers  may  toast,  sir. 
Oh  !  the  hounds  and  the  blood  of  old  Lambton  for  me. 
Then  drink,  &c. 

And  JoiTOcks  did  drink,  and  did  wlioop,  and  did  liolloa, 
and  did  shout,  till  h<.>  made  liiniself  hoarse.  His  spirits, 
or  the  In-andy  spirits,  seemed  to  have  fairly  run  away 
with  him.  At  length  he  began  to  cool  down  and  think 
of  the  morrow. 

"Now  you  and  I'll  have  an  'unt,"  observed  Mr. 
Jonofks. 

"Squier    Stobbs    '11    f^'.in    te,  ar's  warn'd,"   observed 

"Oil,  never  mind  him,"  replied  Jon-ocks  with  a 
chuck  of  the  chin,  "never  min<l  liim  ;  no  sayin'  when 
he  may  be  'ome — ffone  fiddlin'  o\it  with  the  wouien." 

"  He's  aye  ticklin'  the  lasses'  liocks,"  observed  P\m^. 

"You  and  I,  at  all  ewents,  will  luive  an  'unt,  an<i  see 
if  we  can't  i)ivy  that  tormentin'  ohl  customer.  Never 
was  sich  a  fox  in  this  worM.  Do  liclieve  he'll  be  the 
death   o'   uic.   if   I    don't    fiiiisli     him.     .Shall  never  get 

•  Tunc — "  \\  cavo  a  liurlund." 


526  HANDLEY   CROSS 

thronfjli  sumniei",  for  tliiiikin'  on  'iin.  So  now  we'll 
start  at  six — or  call  it  'alf-past  five,  and  see  if  we  can't 
do  tlie  trick  afore  bi'eakfast.  My  vig !  if  we  do,  wot  a 
Ijlow-out  we'll  have— you  shall  have  a  gallon  of  XX,  and 
a  werry  biof-bottled  gooseberry-tart  for  your  breakfast." 

"Ar'd  rayther  have  a,  haui-collop,"  replied  Pigg, 
replenishing  his  month  with  tobacco. 

"So  yon  shall,"  rejoined  Mr.  Jorrocks;  "and  poached 
heggs  into  the  bargain." 

The  other  arrangements  were  soon  made — and  the 
brandy  being  finished,  master  and  man  separated  for 
the  night. 


CHAPTER    LVIII 


ANOTHER   LAST   DAY 

IGG  havingr  curled 
himself  up  in  his 
clothes  on  the 
k  i  t  c  h  e  n  - 1  a  b  1  e, 
awoke  with  the 
first  peep  of  day. 
He  was  at  the 
stables  betimes, 
and  dressed  and 
fed  the  horses 
liimself.  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks  was  equally 
early,  having  been 
j,'reatly  tormented 
by  the  old  customer,  who  had  appeai-ed  to  him  in 
his  dreams  in  a  variety  of  ways — now  runninc:  between 
his  lefjs  and  upsettinj,'  him,  now  nearly  blinding,'  him  with 
a  wliisk  over  his  eyes  from  liis  sandy  brusli,  aj^ain  as  the 
chairman  of  a  convival  meeting  of  fijxes  who  did  nothing 
but  laugh  and  make  finger  fans  to  tlioir  noses  at  liim, 
crying,  "  Ah,  cut  his  tail !  Cut  his  tail !  "  and  mimicking 
his  holloas  and  hunting  noises  :  next  sitting  on  a  high 
stool,  in  his  own  counting-house,  writing  a  letter  to 
Bell's  Life  and  tlie  Field  declaring  he  was  the 
worst  sportsman  and  greatest  humljug  that  ever  got 
ui)on  a  horse ;  anon  as  a  l)ull.  witli  a  trciiiondous  fox's 
Vjrush,  ciiarging  him,  as  Collarficld's  lndl  cliai'gcd  him 
on  the  Hardjjye  Hill  day,  whicli  ended  as  usual  in  our 
Master  flooring  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  who  vowed  she  woiUd 
appeal  io  Dodson  and  the  court  for  the  ])rott3ction  of 
injured  ribs.  Altogether  Jorrocks  was  sadly  put  out, 
and  was  fvdl  of  envy,  liatrrd,  malice,  ami  all  \iii<haiilabie- 
ness  against  tlie  ohl  (.•UHt<jmcr.  Charley  Stol)bs,  to 
whom  Pigg  had  sent  word  by  Betsy,  appearing  just  as 
oiuMaHter  got  down,  rather  encouragetl  liim  to  hope  for 
the  best,  and  sent  him  stumping  to  the  do(jr  in  better 
sjiirits. 

It  was  a  lovfly  morning  I     Mild  and   balmy     <ln^  rain 
had  ceiujed,  and  the  sun  rose  with  unclouded  lirilliancy, 


528  HANDLE Y   CROSS 

drawing'  forth  the  lately  i-eluctaut  leaves,  and  opening 
the  wild  flowers  to  its  earliest  rays.  The  drops  hunj?  like 
diamonds  on  the  bushes,  and  all  nature  seemed  refreshed. 

"  This  be  more  like  the  thing,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
hoisting  himself  into  his  saddle  with  a  swag  that  made 
old  Arterxerxes  grunt  again ;  " if  theie  ain't  a  scent 
this  mornin'.  there  arn't  no  hallegators  ; '  with  which  wise 
observation  he  turned  his  horse  towards  the  kennel. 

"Turn  'em  all  out,"  said  he  to  Pigg,  adding  aloud  to 
himself,  "  We'll  'ave  a  good  ciy  at  all  ewents.' 

The  hounds  partook  of  the  general  hilarity.  Out  they 
rushed  with  joyous  cry,  and  set  the  horses  capering 
with  their  frolicking. 

The  dry  and  dusty  roads  were  watered — the  hedge- 
rows were  filled  with  the  green  luxuriance  of  sjjring, 
and  the  golden  poplar  stood  in  bright  relief  among  the 
dark  green  pines  and  yews.  If  a  fox-hunter  can  wel- 
come sirring,  such  a  day  would  earn  his  adoration.  All 
nature  was  alive,  but  hardly  yet  had  man  appeared  to 
greet  it.  Presently  the  labourers  began  to  appear  at 
their  cottages.  The  iindressed  children  popped  about 
the  doors,  cocks  crew  lustily,  the  lambs  gambolled  about 
the  ewes,  and  indignant  ganders  flew  at  the  hounds'  and 
horses'  heels. 

"  Sink  them  goslin's ! "  said  Pigg,  eyeing  a  whole 
string  of  them  :  "  ar  wish  fox  had  ivery  one  o'  you." 

Our  friends'  frequent  visits  having  made  them  well 
acquainted  with  the  way  to  the  valuable  forest,  they 
popped  through  gates  and  gaps,  and  made  short  cuts 
through  fields  and  farms,  that  greatly  reduced  the 
distance  they  travelled  on  the  first  occasion.  After  a 
couple  of  hours'  steady  butter  and  eggs  bumping,  they 
found  themselves  on  Saddlecombe  Hill,  overlooking 
an  oak-clad  ravine  that  gradually  lost  itself  in  the 
general  sterility  of  the  wide  forest.  A  slight  change 
was  just  visible  on  the  oak-buds;  the  young  birch  had 
got  its  plum-coloured  tinge,  while  here  and  there  the 
spiry  larch  in  verdant  green,  or  the  dark  spi-uce  or 
darker  fir,  broke  the  massive  heaviness  of  the  forest. 

Jorrocks  pulled  up,  as  well  to  reconnoitre  as  to  see  if 
he  could  hit  off  the  smuggler's  cave,  which  he  had 
never  been  able  to  do,  though  he  made  as  diligent  search 
as  the  agitation  of  pursuing  the  old  customer  would 
allow.  He  now  eyed  the  sun-bright  forest  far  and  near, 
north,  south,  east  and  west,  but  identifying  feature  he 
saw  none.     It  might  be  anywhere. 

The    hounds    presently   interrupted   the   reverie,   by 


I 


ANOTHER   LAST   DAY  529 

setting  up  the  most  melodious  cry ;  and  oui*  Mastei-, 
awakening  to  a  sense  of  what  he  had  come  out  for, 
proceeded  to  disti-ibute  his  forces  as  he  thought  best  for 
circumventing  the  old  customer. 

"  You  take  the  far  side,  and  cross  by  the  crag,"  said 
Mr.  JoiTocks  to  Pigg ;  "  Charley  will  keep  on  this,  and 
ven  I  hears  you  twang  th'  'orn,  I'll  throw  th'  'ouuds 
into  cover;"  saying  which,  Mr.  Jorrocks  tiirned  shoi't 
round,  and  Stobbs  assumed  the  place  that  Pigg  had  just 
occupied  in  the  rear. 

****** 

"  Dash  it,  wot  a  mornin'  it  is ! "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Jonocks,  tuniing  up  his  .iolly  face,  beaming  with 
exultation ;  "  wot  a  many  delicious  moments  one  loses 
hjy  smooterin  i'  bed ! — dash  my  vig  !  if  I  won't  get  up  at 
five  every  mornin'  as  long  as  I  live!  Glad  I've  got  on 
ray  cords  'stead  o'  my  shags,  for  it's  goin'  to  be  werry 
'ot,"  continued  he,  looking  down  on  a  pair  of  second  or 
third-hand  whites.  "  Yooi  over,  in  there ! "  to  the  hounds, 
with  a  wave  of  his  hand,  as  Pigg's  horn  announced  he 
had  taken  his  station. 

In  the  hounds  flew,  with  a  chirp  and  a  whimper ;  and 
the  crack  of  Pigg's  whip  on  the  far  side  sounded  like 
a  gun  in  the  silence  around. 

"  Yooi,  spread  and  try  for  hiui,  my  beauties !  "  holloaed 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  riding  into  cover  among  the  stunted 
underwood. 

The  pack  spread,  and  try  in  all  directions — now  here, 
now  there,  now  whiffing  witli  curious  nose  round  the 
hollies,  and  now  trying  up  the  rides. 

"  There's  a  touch  of  a  fox,"  said  Mi*.  Jorrocks  to 
himself,  as  Priestess  ])ut  her  nose  to  the  ground,  and 
ran  mute  across  the  road,  la.shing  her  sides  with  her 
stem.  A  gentle  wliimper  followed,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks 
cheered  her  to  the  echo.  "  Tlie  warmint's  astir,"  said 
he;  "that's  jest  where  we  hit  on  him  last  time."  Now 
Priestess  speiiks  again  in  fullfr  and  deeper  notes,  and 
Ravager  and  Lavender,  and  tlie  rest  of  the  pack,  rush  to 
the  spot.  How  bciiut  it'ully  tlify  flourish — eager,  aud  yet 
none  will  go  an  inch  without  tlie  scent. 

"  Veil  done,  old  'oonian !  speak  to  him  again ! " 
exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  deliglile<l  Ut  heiir  (lie  old 
bitch's  tongue;  '"a  fox  for  a  pund  ;  ten  if  you  like  !  " 

The  pack  iiave  now  got  together,  and  all  are  busy  on 
the  Hcent.  The  villain  has  been  aatir  early,  and  the 
di-ag  is  ratlier  weak. 

M  m 


530  HANDI.ET  CROSS 

'•  Dash  my  vi^,  he's  been  here."  says  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
eyeiuK  some  feathers  sticking  in  a  bush ;  "  there's  three 
and  sixpence  at  least  for  an  old  fat  'en,"  wondering 
whether  he  would  have  to  pay  for  it  or  not. 

The  hounds  strike  forward,  and  getting  upon  a  grassy 
ride,  carry  the  scent  with  a  good  head  for  some  quarter 
of  a  mile,  to  the  ecstatic  delight  of  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who 
bumps  along,  listening  to  their  music,  and  hoping  it 
might  never  cease.  ^^ 

A  check  !  They've  overrun  the  scent.  "  Hie  back  ! 
cries  Mr.  Jorrocks,  turning  his  horse  round;  "gone  to 
the  loAv  crags,  I'll  be  bund— that's  the  way  he  always 
goes ;  I'll  pop  up  'ill,  and  stare  him  out  o'  countenance, 
if  he  takes  his  old  line;"  saying  which,  Mr.  JoiTocks 
stuck  spurs  into  Arterxerxes,  and,  amid  the  grunts  of 
the  hoi-se  and  the  rumbling  of  the  loose  stones,  suc- 
ceeded in  gaining  the  i-ising  ground,  while  the  hounds 
worked  along  the  brook  below. 

The  chorus  grows  louder!  The  rocky  dell  resounds 
the  cry  a  himdredfold!  The  tawny  owl,  scared  from 
his  ivied  crag,  faces  the  sun  in  a  Bacchanalian  sort  of 
flight ;  wood-pigeons  wing  their  timid  way,  the  magpie 
is  on  high,  and  the  jay's  grating  screech  adds  wildness 
to  the  scene.  What  a  crash !  "Warm  in  the  woody  dell, 
half-circled  by  the  winding  brook,  where  rising  hills 
ward  off  the  wintry  winds,  the  old  customer  had  curled 
himself  up  to  sleep  till  evening's  dusk  invited  him  back 
to  the  hen-roost.  That  outburst  of  melody  proclaims 
that  he  is  unkennelled  before  the  pack  ! 

Mr.  Jori'ocks,  having  gained  his  point,  places  himself 
behind  a  gnarled  and  knotted  ivy-covered  mountain  ash, 
whose  hollow  trunk  tells  of  ages  long  gone  by,  through 
a  hole  in  which  he  commands  a  view  of  the  grass  ride 
towards  the  rising  gro^^nd,  upon  which  the  "old  cus- 
tomer" generally  wends  his  way.  There,  as  Mr. 
Jorrocks  sat,  with  anxious  eyes  and  ears,  devouring 
the  rich  melody,  he  sees  what,  at  first  sight,  looked 
like  a  hare  coming  up  at  a  stealthy,  stopping,  listening 
sort  of  pace  ;  but  a  second  glance  shows  that  it  is  a  fox 
— and  not  only  a  fox,  but  his  identical  old  fidend,  who 
has  led  him  so  many  dances,  and  whose  lightening  fur 
tells  of  many  seasons'  wickedness. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  can  hardly  contain  himself,  and  but  for 
his  old  expedient  of  counting  twenty,  would  infallibly 
have  halloaed. 

The  fox  comes  close  up,  but  is  so  busy  with  his  own 
affairs,  that  lie  has  not  time  to  look  about ;  and  before 


ANOTHER   LAST   DAY  531 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  has  counted  nine,  the  fox  has  made  a 
calculation  that  the  hounds  are  too  near  for  him  to 
break,  so  he  just  turns  short  into  the  wood  before  they 
^'et  a  view.  Up  they  come,  frantic  for  blood,  and  dash 
into  the  field,  in  spite  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  efforts  to  turn 
them,  who,  hat  in  hand,  sweeps  towards  the  line  the  fox 
has  taken.  A  momentary  check  ensues,  and  the  hounds 
return  as  if  ashamed  of  their  obstinacy.  Now  they  are 
on  him  again,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  thrusts  his  hat  upon 
his  brow,  runs  the  fox's  tooth  of  his  hat-string-  through 
the  button-hole  of  his  I'Oomy  coat,  gathers  up  his  reins, 
and  bustles  away  outside  the  cover,  in  a  state  of  the 
utmost  excitement — half  frantic,  in  fact!  There  is  a 
tremendous  scent,  and  Reynard  is  puzzled  whether  to 
fly  or  stay.  He  tries  the  opposite  side,  but  Pigg,  who  is 
planted  on  a  hill,  heads  him,  and  he  is  beat  off  his  line. 

The  hounds  gain  up(m  him.  and  there  is  nothing  left 
but  a  bold  venture  up  the  middle,  so.  taking  the  Ijed  of 
the  brook,  he  endeavours  to  baffle  his  followers  by  the 
water.  Now  they  sjjlash  after  him,  the  echoing  banks 
and  yew-studded  cliff's  resounding  to  their  cry.  The 
dell  narrows  towards  the  west,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  rides 
forward  to  view  him  away.  A  countryman  yoking  his 
plough  is  before  him,  and  with  hat  high  in  air,  "Talli- 
Ho's  "  till  he's  hoarse.  Pigg's  horn  on  one  side,  and 
JoiTocks's  on  the  other,  get  the  hounds  out  in  a  crack  ; 
the  countryman  mounts  one  of  his  carters,  the  other 
runs  away  with  tlie  plough,  and  the  three  sportsmen  are 
as  near  mad  as  anytliing  can  i)ossibly  be.  It's  ding, 
dong,  hey  away  pop  with  them  all ! 

The  fallows  carry  a  little,  but  there's  a  rare  scent, 
and  for  two  miles  of  ill-enclosed  land  Reynard  is 
scarcely  a  field  before  the  hounds.  Now  Pigg  views 
him  !  Now  Jorrocks  I  Now  Charley!  Now  Pigg  again  ! 
Tiiii-ty  couple  of  hounds  lengthen  as  they  go,  but  there 
is  no  Pomponius  Ego  to  tell.  The  fox  falls  back  at  a 
wall,  and  the  hounds  are  in  the  same  field.  He  tries 
again-now  he's  over !  The  hounds  follow,  and  dash 
forward,  but  the  fox  has  turned  short  u])  the  inside  of 
the  wall,  and  gains  a  momentary  respite.  Now  they 
are  on  him  again  I  Tiiey  view  him  thi(;ugh  the  gattiway 
beyond  :  he  rolls  as  he  goes  !  Another  moment,  and  they 
pull  him  down  in  the  middle  of  a.  large  grass  field ! 

"  Hooray  !  Hooray  !  Hooray!  "  exclaims  Mi'.  Jorrocks, 
rolling  off  liis  horse,  and  diving  into  the  middle  of  the 
pack,  and  snatchinL'  tiie  fox.  which  old  Thunderer 
resents   by  seizing   iiim    behind,  and  tearing   his  white 


532  HANDLET   CROSS 

cords  half-way  down  his  le^s.  "Hooray!"  repeats  he, 
kicking  out  behind,  and  hoklinf?  the  fox  over  his  head, 
his  linen  flying  out,  and  his  enthusiastic  old  face  all 
beaming  with  joy. 

"  Oh,  dear !  oh,  dear ! "  exclaims  he,  dancing  about 
with  it  over  his  head ;  "  if  ever  there  was  a  warniint 
l)roperly  dusted,  it's  yoi^,"  looking  the  fox  full  in  the 
face ;  "  you've  been  a  hugly  customer  to  me,  dash  my 
vig  if  you  havn't ;  "  and  thereupon  Mr.  Jorrocks 
resumed  his  capers,  singing, — 

"  Durivalled  the  'ounds  o'er  which  Jorrocks  presides  ! 

Then  drink  to  the  fox-'ounds, 

The  'igh-mettled  fox-'ouuds. 
We'll  drink  to  the  'ounds  o'er  which  Jorrocks  presides." 

"  Sink  ar's  left  mar  Jack-a-legs  ahint,"  says  Pigg, 
wanting  to  cut  off  the  fox's  brush.  "  Has  ony  on  ye 
getten  a  knife  ^  " 

The  cart-horsedcountryni  an  has  one,  and  Jorrocks  holds 
the  fox,  while  Pigg  performs  the  last  rites  of  the  chase. 

With  whoops  and  holloas  Jorrocks  throws  the  carcase 
high  in  air,  which,  falling  among  the  baying  pack,  is 
torn  to  pieces  in  a  minute. 

Joy,  delightful  joy,  is  theirs,  clouded  by  but  one 
reflection — that  that  a-as  the  last  day  of  the  season. 

They  re-enter  Handley  Cross  by  half-past  nine,  and 
at  ten  sit  down  to  breakfast,  Pigg  getting  such  h  tuck- 
out  as  he  hadn't  had  since  he  left  his  "coosin  Deavil- 
boger's." 


CHAPTER  LIX 


ANOTHER   SPORTING   LECTOR 


R.  JORROCKS  now  began 
sorting  and  ri,<,'li tin":  his 
hunting  clothes,  seeing  what 
boots  and  things  would 
patch  and  come  out  again, 
and  what  might  be  con- 
demned as  no  iise  keeping. 
Among  the  condemned  were 
the  memorable  old  customer 
whites,  which,  independently 
of  the  tear  they  got  on  that 
day,  were  in  a  somewhat 
lierishing  state  from  their 
over  freciuent  visits  to  the 
washing  tub.  Two  pair  of 
sliags  he  thought  would  do 
again,  and  he  would  give  a 
pair  of  old  moleskins  the 
benefit  of  a  doubt.  One  \ydh' 
of  boots— the  Pinch-me-near  Forest  ones— were  a  good 
deal  gone  at  the  toe,  but  he  would  consult  Welts,  the 
cobbler,  l)efore  he  cast  them.  Tlien  as  he  sat  in  judg- 
ment on  his  coats.  f(jldiiig  u])  No.  1  with  the  care  and 
respect  due  to  the  l)eKt  one.  reurarding  No.  2  as  werry 
good  whf-n  not  beside  a  better,  and  saying  that  No.  ii 
would  do  "werry  well  for  a  wet  day,"  B<.'(soy  came  to 
say  that  some  gents  wanted  to  see  him. 

It  was  a  dej)utation  from  the  Handloy  Cross  Infirmary, 
come  to  ask  him  to  give  a  si)orting  lectiue  in  aid  of  their 
funds,  wliifli,  as  usual,  were  very  low. 

Mr.  Jon-or-ks  hesitated  at  first,  for  he  wanted  t.o  ease 
the  steam  of  his  lumting  entlnisiasm  down  to  l>usine88- 
like  pitch  before  he  returned  to  Great  Coram  Street  and 
the  City.  However,  iis  they  were  very  jnessing,  and 
flattered  iiim  agreeably,  he  at  length  consented,  and  the 


536  HANDIiET   CROSS 

'earers,  I've  bronprht  yoxi  liere  to  tell  yoxi  nil  about  the 
ehass — to  teach  you  to  enjoy  that  sport. 

'  For  the  weak  too  strong', 
Too  costly  for  the  poor.' 

Aye,  too  costly  for  the  poor,  and  move's  the  pity  that  it  is 
too  costly,  for  there  is  more  i*eal  genuine  fox-'untitiveness, 
more  of  the  innate  genuine  hardour  and  dewoted  affec- 
tion for  the  chass  in  the  poor  man  wot  saci-ifices  a  day's 
pay  for  the  salce  of  a  'luit,  than  in  all  your  wauntin' 
cover- canteriu'  swells!  wot  ride  forty  miles  to  the  meet 
for  the  sake  of  the  boast,  and  the  plisui-e  o'  ridin'  forty 
miles  back.  But  that's  beside  the  question,  or  another 
pair  of  shoes,  as  we  say  in  France.  The  chass! — the 
chass  !  or  the  noble  science,  as  the  swells  now  caU  it,  is 
to  be  the  subject  of  my  discourse;  but  oh,  my  beloved 
'earers,  it's  werry  'ard  to  turn  one's  'tention  to  things 
that  are  fit  to  brik  one's  'eart  to  think  on — wei-ry  'ard 
indeed.  There  was  a  man  wrote  a  book,  and,  among 
other  intelligent  things  he  i>ut  in,  was  an  obserwation 
that  one  cannot  do  an  act  not  in  itself  morally  evil  for 
the  last  time  without  feelin's  of  regret;  and  if  that  be 
true  with  regard  to  indifferent  tilings,  'ow  much  more 
tellin'  must  it  be  wlien  applied  to  what  maybe  called  the 
liver  and  bacon  of  one's  existence!  To  that  noblest, 
subliniest,  grandest,  best  of  all  sports,  the  gallant, 
cheerin'  soul-stirrin'  chass "  (cheers).  Mr.  Jon-ocks 
paused  for  some  seconds,  as  if  overcome  by  his  feelings. 

At  length  he  resumed:  "Here,"  said  he,  "we  have 
closed  a  most  beautiful  season.  Though  I  says  it  who 
should  not,  never  did  a  pack  give  more  universal  satis- 
faction than  mine,— satisfaction  the  most  boundless,  and 
gratification  the  most  complete.  No  'ounds  in  England 
can  'old  a  candle  to  mine  for  the  sport  they've  shown. 
Summer  is  now  drawin'  on,  at  least  it  did  ought  to  do, 
if  it  is  a  comin'  at  all,  leaving  us  a  long  season  of  repose 
to  contemplate  the  past,  and  spekilate  on  the  futur' — 
that  uncertain  futur'  to  which  we  all  look  fonvard  with 
such  i)resumi)tuous  certainty.  Oh,  my  beloved  'earers, 
summer  is  a  di-eadful  season.  Whoever  talked  o'  the 
winter  of  our  discontent,  talked  like  an  insane  man,  and 
no  sportsman.  Summer  is  the  season  of  our  misery! 
Long  days,  shoi-t  nights,  and  nankeen  shorts.  Con- 
temptible wear ! — but  oh,  gen'lemen,  gen'lemen,  top-boots 
delight  me  not  now,  drab  shags  nouther.  Wot  a  change 
is  comin'  o'er  the  spirit  of  our  dream  !    I  knows  no  more 


ANOTHER   SPORTING   LECTOR  537 

melancholic  ceremony  than  takin'  the  stringy  out  of  one's 
'at  at  the  end  of  a  season,  foldin'  Imp  and  puttiu'  away 
the  old  red  ra^— a  rag  imlike  all  other  rags,  the  dearer 
and  more  waluable  the  older  and  more  worthless  it 
becomes.  Every  rent,  every  stain,  every  patch,  every 
dam.  has  its  story  and  'sociation.  The  hirge  black  patch 
all  down  the  right  side  was  got  in  Swallerton  Bog,  which 
I  charged  like  a  troojj  of  'oss,  jest  as  the  darlin's  were 
viewin'  the  warmint.  and  I  thought  to  pick  him  hup  on 
the  far  side.  Crikey,  vot  a  floimder  I  had !— old  Arter- 
xerxes  bogged  n]j  to  the  werry  tail,  plungin',  and  heavin', 
and  groanin',  and  snortin',  and  sweatin',  with  every 
apijearance  of  being  'stablished  for  life.  Oh,  my  beloved 
'earers,  a  bog  is  a  wen-y  iiim  thing  to  get  into,  and  is  so 
wen-y  enticin'  withal,  that  I  don't  wonder  at  people  bein' 
cotched.  Quiet,  sly,  soft,  green,  omelette-souffl^e-lookin' 
things,  so  stuffed  with  currants  as  to  be  perfectly  black 
below,  and  as  holdin'  as  a  stick-jaw  piiddin'  at  a  charity- 
school.  I  doesn't  mean  to  detract  from  the  merits  of 
other  bogs,  but  that  Swallerton  Bog  i'  my  mind,  is  the 
biggest  bog  whatever  was  seen,  and  as  'ospitable  as  man 
can  desire,  for  once  in,  it  is  in  no  Inin-y  to  part  with  you 
again. 

■■  Then  the  great  double  stitched  rent  right  across  the 
back!  'Ow  well  I  remembers  doin'  o'  that  I  We  were 
goin'  like  Vjeans  over  Han-oway  Fleets,  with  sich  a  crack 
scent  as  only  comes  twice  a  year.  1  viewed  a  fox  or  a 
dog.  I  couldn't  say  whether,  risiu'  the  'ill  by  Hookem- 
Snivey  Church ;  and  wot  with  keepin'  my  eye  on  him, 
and  gallopin'  like  l>la/.os.  I  never  saw  a  bullfinch  that 
Ai-terxerxes  was  preparin'  him.self  for  on  the  sly  \mtil  it 
was  tr>o  late,  and  he  charged  a  thing  so  1>ig  and  so  black, 
that  if  a  lanthom  liad  heen  'eld  on  tli<!  far  side  yon 
couldn't  have  seen  it;  well,  I  say.  he  charged  it  with  sucli 
wicked  wigour  and  determination,  that  he  left  mo 
stickin'  like  a  sweet  little  c^herul)  aloft  right  atween  two 
strong  'olders,  one  <>i  wliidi  Iiad  to  bo  sawn  oil"  afore 
ever  T  could  get  out ;  and  wlion  1  did,  J  fovind  1  liad  lost 
one  coat-lap,  anfl  tlie  otlier  was  'angin'  liy  a  mere  thread 
(lauglitcr  and  api)laus(0.  Delightful  recollection  !  Shall 
I  ever  forget  the  joy  1  experienced,  as,  stickin'  tight  in 
the  'edge,  I  saw  the  darlin's  take  uj)  the  line  on  which 
I  viewed  the  warmint  travdlin' r'  A  delicate;  couinliment 
to  til*'  lirightneHH  of  my  wision  I  Oh.  never!  My  too 
Hcnsihle  Vart  sickens  at  tlip  thoiiirht  that  tlio  joy  of  life 
is  over  for  a  season.  Oh.  tin;  long  Runinier  niontlis  that 
are  about  to  succeed  arc  truly  ai)])allin'  to  tiio  'eart  of  a 


538  HANDLEY   CROSS 

sportsman !  True,  each  season  brings  its  hoccupation, 
but  if  that  hoccupation  is  no  enjoyment,  wot  matter 
does  it  make  there  bein'  such  a  thing  ?  Oh,"  gi-oaned 
the  worthy  lecturer,  "  biit  we  are  enterin'  iipon  a  most 
mehincholic,  sea-kaleish,  buy-a-moss-rose  season.  'Ow 
we  are  ever  to  get  through  it,  I'm  sure  I  don't  know. 
I'm  thankful  'owever  to  think  that  I  pivied  the  old 
customer.  Blow  me  tight  if  I  'adn't  pivied  the  old 
customer,  I  really  believe  the  old  customer  would  ha' 
pivied  me.  Never  suffered  so  much  from  a  fox  i'  my 
life.  He  'aunted  me  day  and  night.  Seemed  as  if  he 
was  'pointed  to  revenge  the  wi-ongs  of  all  the  foxes  i'  the 
world.  Certainly  he  was  a  saucy  sinner — a  weiTy  saucy 
sinner — wakin'  and  sleepin',  he  was  always  at  me. 
'Owsomever  he's  settled."  Mr.  Jon-ocks  again  made  a 
long  pause,  and  appeared  lost  in  thought. 

At  length  he  resumed. 

"  Great  Coram  is  a  lovely  street,"  said  he,  "  the  trees 
within  the  rails,  and  the  wines  within  the  ai-eas,  flourish 
and  expand  with  all  the  wigour  of  foliage  and  wegetable 
life  in  the  purest  and  most  salubrisome  spots.  But 
sweeter,  dearer  far  is  the  wild  bleak  heath, 

'  'ttTiere  man  has  ne'er  or  rarely  trod,' 

with  a  good  strong  'olding  goss-cover,  lyin'  on  a  gentle 
slope,  catchin'  the  rays  of  a  mid-day  sun,  out  of  which 
one  may  reasonably  calkilate  upon  findin'  old  Reynard 
at  home  any  hour  of  the  day.  But  I  can't  pursue  the 
subject.  It  is  too  much  for  me — painful  to  a  degree. 
Pigg,  get  me  some  brandy-and-watei — strong  without — 
for  I  feels  all  over  trembulation  and  fear,  like  a  maid 
that  thinks  she's  not  agoin'  to  be  married." 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  retired  to  the  back  of  the  platform,  and  • 
Pigg  presently  brought  him  a  stiff  tumbler  of  brandy- 
and-water,  which  considerably  revived  our  old  friend, 
but  still  he  did  not  feel  quite  equal  to  the  resumption  of 
his  lecture.  He  therefore  announced  that  his  Pigg 
would  favour  the  company  with  one  of  his  national 
melodies,  after  which  he  had  no  doubt  he  should  be  able 
to  go  on,  and  Pigg  after  a  few  minutes'  confab  with  his 
Master,  who  wanted  him  to  sing, 

"  Unrivalled  tlip  'ounds  o'er  which  Jorrocks  presides  ! " 

advanced  to  the  front  of  the  platform,  and  with  a  bob 
of  his  head  and  a  kick  of  his  heel,  said,  "  Gen'l'men.  wor 
'iird  Maister's  gettin'  the  gripes,  and  ar's  gannin'  to  sing 
ye  a  sang  till  he  gets  better."     So  saying  James  nibbed 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  539 

his  sleeve  across  his  nose,  and  tnrnecl  his  quid  in  his 
nioiith.  "  Now,'  continued  he,  "■  what  aril  sing  ye  "ill 
be  yen  o'  the  lx)nniest  sangs  that  iver  was  sung,  arle 
aboot  ard  Squier  Lambton  and  his  h'unds.  and  a  grand 
hunt  that  they  had  fre  Fox-hill,  afore  mast  o'  ye  ^vel•e 
bom;  and  when  ar  stamps  wi'  my  foot,  ye  mun  all  join 
chorus."  So  sayiug,  oiir  huntsman  struck  up  with  the 
following,  which  we  give,  like  the  former,  as  it  was 
wi-itten,  and  not  as  Pigg  sung  it:— 

Descend,  ye  chaste  Nine,  strike  the  chorl  you  love  Ijest, 
I've  a  theme  that  wiU  put  your  high  notes  to  the  test ; 
I've  a  chase  to  describe  that  assuredly  will 
Rouse  the  dead  from  their  graves  with  huzzas  for  Fox  Hill. 

Ballanamona  ora 

The  hounds  of  Ralph  Lambtoh  for  me. 

We  must  ever  remem1)er  the  glorious  day 
Wlien  to  I/onp  Newton  Villapre  we  rattled  away. 
Each  hound  seemed  that  moniinf?  instinctive  to  know, 
That  the  Long  Newton  Countiy  would  give  them  a  go— 

Usllannmona,  &c. 

Bum  Wood  was  drawn  blank— we  cared  not  a  i-ap — 
Though  we  all  thought  it  smelt  hellish  strong  of  a  trap, 
For  we  knew  that  a  rallying  point  we  could  make, 
Where  a  thoro'  bred  Son  of  Old  Ca'sar  must  break. 

BiiUanamona,  kc. 

Scarce  the  pack  crack'd  the  furzen,  away  the  Rogue  stole, 
How  high  beat  each  heart,  how  transported  each  soul ! 
Ever}'  hound  in  his  i)lace,  and  to  give  them  their  due, 
Over  Newbiggin  jjastures  like  pigeons  they  flow, 

BHlidiinnioiin,  ic. 

By  Badberge  and  Btainton  he  now  lient  his  way, 
(Jld  Elstob  affording  no  shelter  this  day, 
Little  Stainlon  be  gained  — but  durst  not  look  back 
So  close  at  his  brush  lay  this  brilliant  pack. 

Ballanamona,  &c. 

Next  pointing  to  Wliitton  by  Stillington  Mill, 
One  or  two  lioastcd  clipiicrH  were  fain  to  stand  still. 
But  rememlicr,  my  l>oys,  with  a  Long  NowUin  Ko.\ 
It  won't  do  UiJIath  wlien  y're  uji  to  the  hocks, 

Bal!anamr>im,  &c. 

O'er  the  famed  Beaton  Hills  with  what  vigour  he  flow  ! 
Dctcrmin'd  to  prove  himself  Mir)ro'  trur  liliir, 
Stems  down,  bristles  up— 'twould  have  <lonc  your  heart  gcort 
To  have  seen  the  Dog  I'ack  running  frantic/or  Illood  I 

Ballanamona,  Ilc. 


540  HANDLKY  CROSS 

By  FuUhorp  aii<l  Grindon  we  rattled  like  smoko, 
Tlio  hounds  gaiuing  on  him  at  every  stroke  ! 
Disdaininp:  Thorp  Wood  should  his  destiny  mark 
Dropped  his  l)rush  and  died  varmint  in  Wynyard  Park. 

Ballnnamona,  &c. 

Kill,  fill  ye  lirave  spirits  that  rode  in  the  run, 
May  the  pack  add  fresh  laurels  to  those  they  have  won; 
At  my  toast — how  each  bosom  with  ecstacy  hounds, 
Long  life  to  Ralph  Lambton  !  !  success  to  his  hounds  ! ! 

When  tlie  enthusiastic  applause,  produced  by  the  fore- 
going, had  subsided,  there  was  a  general  call  for  Mr. 
Jorrocks,  who,  advancing  to  the  front  of  the  platform, 
thus  addressed  the  company : — 

"  Beloved  'earers,  you  must  'scuse  my  pursuin'  the 
subject  o'  the  chass — it's  too  much  for  my  feelin's.  I 
meant  to  have  enlightened  you  on  the  management  of 
'osses  and  'ounds  at  'ome  and  in  the  field,  glanced  at  the 
'ard  meet  and  the  'ard  work  systems,  and  taken  a  wide 
range  o'er  the  realms  of  sportin'  generally,  but,  somehow 
or  other,  I  feels  unequal  to  the  task, — the  excitement  is 
too  much  for  me.  I  feels  as  though  my  stomach  was  a 
biler,  a  thro  win'  red-'ot  words  up  into  my  mouth.  With 
your  permission,  therefore,  we'll  drop  the  subject  till  the 
arrival  of  the  next  'unting  season,  when  I  will  finish  wot 
I've  left  unsung,  as  the  tom-cat  said  when  the  brick-bat 
cut  short  his  serenade.     (Laughter  and  applause.) 

"  Let  us  turn  to  matters  more  seasonable,  though  less 
plisant.  and  consider  the  summer  department  of  our 
lives.  We  are  now  about  to  disperse,  some  to  the  north, 
some  to  the  south,  some  to  the  heast,  and  some  to  the 
west.  Many  on  you,  I  makes  no  doubt,  will  think  it 
necessary  to  go  to  town,  though  I  cannot  l>ut  say  that 
you  are  great  fools  for  your  pains.  There  are  more 
people  punish  themselves  annually  once  a  year,  l)y  goin' 
to  London,  tban  the  unthinkin'  portion  of  the  commu- 
nity would  credit.  If  a  uiiin  has  plenty  of  blunt,  it's  all 
weiTy  well.  London  is  an  undeniable  place  for  gettin' 
rid  of  it  in.  Frinds  abound  there  for  rich  men.  The 
kindest,  the  accommodatingest  frinds,  wot  will  do  any- 
thing to  serve  you  as  long  as  yoxir  money  lasts.  To 
London  let  the  rich  man  go.  Whatever  is  gay,  or  grand, 
or  expensive,  will  be  his ;  he  will  mount  his  thoroughbred, 
with  a  bang-tail  down  to  the  'ocks,  put  his  gruni  on 
another,  in  a  dark  frock-coat,  leather-breeches,  and  a 
belt  round  his  waist,  to  strap  on  his  master  in  case  he 
tumbles  off;  they  will  hamble  down  Bond  Street  and 
hup  Regent  Street,  '  pi'owokin'  the  caper  wot  they  seem 


ANOTHER   SPORTING   LECTOR  541 

to  chide ' — master  pretendin'  to  be  sliort-si^lited.  with  a 
quizzin'-glass  stuck  in  his  eye."  Here  Mr.  Jorrocks  put 
a  half-crown  ]jiece  over  his.  and,  suitinsf  the  action  to 
the  word,  proceeded  amidst  universal  lautihter  and 
applause, — "  Meets  an  acquaintance.  '  'Ow  do  !■' '  '  Been 
long  i"  to^^^l  ? '  '  When  do  you  leave  ?  '  For.  gen'lemen," 
continued  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  Til  lay  a  guinea  'at  to  a  goose- 
ben-y,  when  two  men  meet  with  little  to  say,  that  that  is 
the  conversation  wot  passes.  Six  o'clock  comes  and  he's 
in  the  Park.  Wot  a  croAvd  about  the  gate  I  It's  to  see 
Wictoria  pass.  Carriage  and  four— out-riders — equer- 
riug  dust-catching— Wictoria  smilin' — Piince  Halbert 
ditto,  and  touchin'  his  'at  to  the  cheerers — whisk,  and 
they  are  out  o'  sight.  Can-iages  break  hup  and  scatter 
oyer  the  Park.  The  band  phiys  at  the  gardens— up  our 
rich  man  canters,  without  knowin'  why  he  breaks  from 
a  walk,  throws  the  rein  to  his  grum,  and  lounges  in  to 
lisj)  to  the  ladies.  '  Oh  !  'pon  honour — e.xquisite — de- 
lightful band— Second  Life  Guards —Star  and  Gai-ter— 
Cro^^'n  and  Sceptre— Chamiin'  weather— Looks  like  rain 

— 'Ow's  your  mother?    Sister  better  I— So,  Lady  's 

eloped  at  last.'  Back  then  he  goes  by  the  Serpentine. 
Kid  gloves  are  kissed  to  him,  feathers  nod,  eyes  ogle, 
and  Johns  and  Jehus  touched  their  lace-daubed  'ats. 
Now  he  reins  huij  at  the  foot  of  the  Achilles,  and.  as  the 
late  accomplished  Mr.  Truefit,  the  Harcadian  'air-dresser, 
or  some  other  talented  gen'leman  sung — 

'  Pride  in  his  look,  defiance  in  liis  eye, 
He  Bcee  the  lords  o'  'uinan  life  pass  bj'.' 

Dinner  time  comes,  and  Lord  Cut  and  Shuffle  has  the 
rich  man  on  the  box  of  his  drag— four  spank  in'  bays, 
tigers  be'ind,  fiinds  on  the  roof,  gals  inside.  Away  they 
bowl  to  Greenwich — best  room,  dinner  two  guineas  a-"ead, 
iced  fizzey— fish  of  all  sorts  -  Yan-ell  done  u]>  in  dishes 
— every  sort  but  tlie  one  you  went  down  for— should 
have  ten  stomachs  'stead  of  one—  back  at  eleven.  Hopera 
— Time  for  l)allet — squizzin'-glass—gauze  petticoats- or 
hup  Windmill  Street  to  the  sparklin'  French  Casino,  or 
down  heast  to  the  British  'bominatiou  of  a  dingy  under- 
ground kidney-shop.  These  at  length  bcin'  swept  out 
and  closed,  away  they  go  to  some  sliain  billiard  i-oom  of 
a  foi-tified  gambling  'ouse,  with  scouta  on  the  watch, 
where  they  have  some  cui'easore  to  digest  the  kidney — 
iced  champagiie  to  correct  the  cureaaore  — lobster  salad 
to  keep  tne  iced  chami)agne  company.  Then  lounge 
into  the  gumblin'  apartment    large  round  table  -strong 


542  HANDLEY   CROSS 

li^ht.  Man  with  a  green  shade  over  his  eyes  and  a  hoe 
in  his  hand !  Old  rakes  all  roiuid  him.  Fathers  sittin' 
hopposite  sons— tlie  famme  of  play  ragin'— then  sudden 
noise — clean  sweep— doAvni  the  pipe— rush  o'  pollis— seize 
the  party — away  to  the  lock-up— in  wi'  false  names — 
hup  i'  the  moraiii' — discharged  for  want  o'  gamblin'-tool 
hevidence,  and  all  that  sort  o'  gammon.  All  this  may 
be  called  plissur,  &c.,  but  some'ow  it  never  lasts.  It's 
the  pace  that  kills  the  finances  as  well  as  the  fox.  It's 
all  nonsense  men  spendin'  wots  to  keep  them  a  lifetime 
in  a  single  nighfs  lark  (applause).  Ax  any  old  member 
o'  Crocky's  if  it  isn't. 

"  London's  a  gi-and  place,  to  be  sure,"  continued  the 
worthy  lecturer ;  but  oh,  my  beloved  'earers,  there  is  no 
misery  like  that  of  solitude  in  a  crowd,  or  inconwenience 
like  that  of  livin'  with  men  without  being  able  to  afford 
to  partake  o'  their  plissurs.  London's  the  rich  man's 
paradise,  the  poor  man's  puggatoi-y  !  yet  how  many  fools, 
Avho  can  ill  afford  it,  think  it  necessai-y  to  make  a 
hannual  pilgi-image  once  a-year  to  the  shrine  of  her 
monstrosity.  Hup  they  come,  leavin'  their  quiet  country 
'omes  just  as  their  sparrowgrass  is  ready  for  heatin'  and 
their  roses  begin  to  blow — neglectin'  their  farms — maybe 
their  families — leavin'  bulls  to  bail  themselves,  cattle  to 
get  out  of  the  pound,  and  wagrants  into  the  stocks,  as 
they  can ;  hup,  I  say,  they  come  to  town,  to  get  stuck  in 
garrets  at  inns  with  the  use  of  filthy,  cigai'-smokin', 
spitty,  sandy-floored,  saw-dusty  coffee-rooms,  a  'underd 
and  seventy-five  steps  below,  at  a  price  that's  perfectly 
appalin'.  Vot  misery  is  theirs  !  Down  they  come  of  a 
mornin',  arter  a  restless,  tumblin',  heated,  noisy  night,  to 
the  day  den  of  the  establishment,  with  little  happetite 
for  breakfast,  but  feelin'  the  necessity  of  havin'  some  in 
order  to  kill  time.  A  greasy-collared,  jerkin',  lank-aired 
waiter,  casts  a  second-'and  badly  washed  web  over  a  slip 
of  table,  in  a  stewy,  red-curtained  box,  into  which  the 
sun  beats  with  unmitigated  wengeance.  A  Brittania- 
metal  tea-pot,  a  cup,  a  plate,  a  knife,  and  a  japanned 
tea-caddie,  make  their  appearance.  Then  comes  a 
sugar-bason,  followed  by  a  swarai  of  flies,  that  'unt 
it  as  the  'ounds  would  a  fox,  and  a  small  jug  of  '  sky- 
blue,'  which  the  flies  use  as  a  bath  durin'  their  rejjast  on 
the  sugar.  A  half-buttered  muffin  mounts  a  waterless 
slop-bason;  a  dirty  egg  accompanies  some  toasted 
wedges  of  bread;  the  waiter  points  to  a  lump  of  carrion 
wot  he  calls  beef,  on  a  dusty  sideboard,  and  promises 
the  ■  Post '  as  soon  as  it  is  out  of  'and.     Sixteen  gents  sit 


ANOTHER  SPORTING  LECTOR  543 

at  sixteen  slips  of  table,  lookiu'  at  eacb  other  with 
curiosity  or  suspicion,  but  never  a  word  is  exchanged  by 
any  on  them.  Prisently  they  l)ej?in  to  wacate  their  slips 
of  wood.  One  paces  hup  ana  down  the  coft'ee-room,  with 
his  thumbs  in  the  harm-'oles  of  his  veskit ;  another  takes 
a  coat-lap  over  each  arm,  and  lounges  against  the  fireless 
fire-place ;  a  third  looks  at  his  watch,  and  lays  his  legs 
along  the  bench  for  a  nap;  while  a  fourth  flattens 
his  nose  against  the  winder,  or  reads  the  witticisms 
of  former  town  captives,  or  the  hamorous  contributions 
of  jaded  waiters  to  buxom  chambermaids  on  the  panes. 
Cairiages  begin  to  roil ;  lords,  dukes,  captains,  cockneys, 
jostle  together,  and  the  coffee-room  is  gradually  emptied 
into  the  crowded  streets. 

■■  Vot  a  sight !  All  the  world  compressed  into  Bond 
Street !  carriages  blocked,  cabs  locked,  'ossmen  driven 
on  to  the  footway,  and  the  foot-people  driven  into  the 
shops.  But  wot  boots  it  to  ingenuous  Spoony  if  there 
were  twice  as  many  ?  He  doesn't  know  one  carriage 
from  another,  and  hasn't  got  nobody  to  tell  him  whose 
they  are.  There  he  stands  gapin'  like  a  stuck  pig,  now 
starin'  his  eye-balls  out  at  a  carnage,  now  bringin'  bis 
body  to  bear  upon  a  printehop  window,  now  fancyin' 
a  lady  in  feathers  on  the  footway  to  be  a  duchess  that 
has  taken  a  fancy  to  him,  who  he  follows  up  to  the 
suberbs,  and  comes  away  under  the  impression  that  it  is 
their  country  wilier.  But  what  a  relief  to  have  some 
one  to  whom  he  can  si>eak  !  Talk  of  dull  dogs  !  Live  in 
London  for  a  week  without  an  acquaintance,  and  the 
stupidest  Imnp  of  lead  that  ever  was  moidded  into  the 
shape  of  a  man  will  be  a  perfect  god-send  at  the  end  of 
the  time.  Well,  hup  and  down  the  street  poor  ingenuous 
Spoony  goes,  round  squares,  into  crescents,  through 
parks,  until  his  feet  are  swelled  doublctlieir  size,  and  the 
toes  of  his  boots  l<jok  up  into  his  face,  as  much  as  to  say, 
'  Wot  /km  come  over  us  now  ? '  Still  no  one  greets  him, 
and  Squire  Spoony,  wlio  is  a  werry  great  man,  and 
knows  eveiy  body  at  once,  is  'stouished  that  no  one  'ails 
him  in  London. 

"  Now  for  a  chop-house  or  coffee-room  dinner  I  Oli, 
the  'orri>)le  smell  that  greets  you  at  the  door!  Com- 
IX)uud  of  cabl>age,  pickled  salmon,  boiled  beef,  saw-dust, 
and  anchovy  sarce.  'Wot  will  you  take,  sir ?' inquires 
the  frowsy  waiter,  smooth  in'  the  filthy,  mustardy, 
cabbagey  cloth,  '  soles,  macrel,  vitin's— wen-y  good 
Vioiled  licef — nice  cut,  cabbage,  cold  'am  and  weal,  cold 
lanil)  and  sallard.'  -Bah  I     The  den's  'ot  to  sviifocation — 


544  HANDLEY   CROSS 

the  kitchen's  below — a  trap-door  womits  up  dinners  in 
return  for  bellows  down  the  pipe  to  the  cook.  Flies 
settle  on  your  face — swarm  on  your  head;  a  wasp  travels 
round;  everythinf^  tastes  flat,  stale,  and  unprofitable. 
As  a  climax,  he  gets  the  third  of  a  bottle  of  warm  port 
as  a  pint,  and,  to  prevent  jealousy  between  body  and 
mind,  gives  the  latter  a  repast  on  second-hand  news,  by 
goiu'  through  the  columns  of  an  evenin'  paper.  This, 
too,  from  a  man  wot  can  hardly  manage  a  three-days-a- 
week  one  in  the  country. 

"■  Nine  o'clock  at  length  comes,  and  he  is  at  the 
theatre  ;  and  were  it  not  for  the  excessive  'eat  and  con- 
founded crowd,  he  might  enjoy  himself.  As  it  is,  the 
curtain  drops,  a  welcome  release,  and  after  half  an  hour's 
solitary  stroll,  he  finds  himself  smokin'  some  painted 
Jezabel,  who  sits  to  be  fumigated  by  all  Avot  Ijuys  cigars 
at  her  shop.  Thus  he  goes  on  day  after  day,  week  after 
week,  in  a  melancholy  state  of  existence,  and  all  that  he 
may  have  the  pleasure  of  sayin'  when  he  retvirns  to  the 
country,  that  he  has  'jest  come  from  town" — that  town 
was  wen-y  full — werry  gay  or  weiTy  dull — talk  of  high 
people  in  a  low-lived  style,  and  pretend  to  have  been 
where  he  never  was.  No  captive  released  from  gaol — no 
bouy  let  free  from  school — no  starlin'  escaped  from  cage, 
hails  with  more  'eart-felt  joy  the  arrival  of  that  hour 
which  restores  him  to  wot  the  immortal  Mr.  Fieldin' 
(I  thinks)  calls 

'  Fresh  fields  and  pastures  new  ; ' 

and  not  all  the  pliability  of  a  flexible  mind  can  coax  him 
into  believin"  that  he  feels  one  longin'  lingeiin'  pang  of 
regret,  as  he  tiuiis  his  back  upon  the  crowded,  'eartless, 
busy,  bxistlin',  jadin"  city.     (Great  applause.) 

"  *  Well,  but,'  says  a  sportin'  reader,  '  I  must  see  the 
Darby  and  Hoaks  run  for ! ' 

"Darby  and  Hoaks  iim  for!"  exclaimed  the  worthy 
lecturer.  "  Wot  mattei-  does  it  make  to  him  who  wins 
the  Darby  and  Hoaks !  Why  can't  he  content  'imself 
wi'  readin'  on  it  i'  the  paper,  or  in  seein'  a  neighbourly 
donkey  race  on  a  common  ?  He  may  know  summut 
'bout  the  donkeys,  but  he  can  know  notliin'  'bout  'osses, 
the  owners  of  which  werry  likely  know  nothin'  them- 
selves. Then  bother  their  bettin'  books,  and  the  'ole 
tribe  of  trickey,  lynx-eyed  circumwentin'  knaves  wot 
wouhl  rob  their  own  fathers  if  they  could,  and  who  set 
hup  to  bet  thousands  with  a  fai-thin'  capital!  O  that 
the  noblest  of  hanimals  should  be  soiled  with  the  con- 


ANOTHER   SPORTING  LECTOR  545 

tamination'of  sucli  reptiles  !  O  that  the  'iefhest  and  the 
noblest  should  be  found  jostlin'  and  helbowin"  for  hodds 
'niong  the  weiTy  scum  and  scourins  o'  the  stews — fellers 
that  no  decent  tradesman  would  touch  wi'  a  pair  o'  tougs 
(applause).  On  the  tui-f  and  under  the  tm-f  all  men  are 
obliged  to  be  equal,"  mused  our  Master.  "  But  let  us 
leave  the  gloomy  subject,"  continued  he,  "and  gather 
hup  our  points  for  a  finish.  Some  on  you  will  p'raps  ax 
wot  has  racin'  and  livin'  i'  London  to  do  wi'  'unting  ?  I 
say  it  has  a  gi'eat  deal.  There  is  an  old  sayin'  and  a  true 
one,  that  you  cam't  eat  both  your  cake  and  'ave  it,  and 
by  the  same  rule,  or  one  wen-y  like  it,  you  cam't  both 
spend  youi"  money  and  have  it.  Now,  if  ingenuous 
Spoony  comes  to  Loudon  on  a  gallivantin'  exx)edition, 
with  nothin'  whatsomever  at  all  to  do,  the  chances  are 
that  he  gets  rooked.  '  Idleness '  has  been  werry  well 
described  as  'the  papa  of  all  mischief;  and  assuredly 
Satan,  as  Mrs.  Barbaiild  beautifully  expresses  it  in  her 
'  Pleasures  of  Ope,'  is  always  Ijusy  in  London,  findin' 
work  for  '  idle  'ands  to  do.'  Walk  along  Jermyn  Street 
of  an  evenin',  and  see  how  many  beautifully  ilhuninated 
doors  stand  ajar  inwitin'  the  passer-by  to  enter;  go — 
and  you're  done.     It  is  not  here, 

'  All  ye  what  enter  abandon  'ope ' ; 

but  wot  I  say  is,  all  ye  wot  enter,  leave  your  pusses  at 
home,  or  assuredly  you  will  have  werry  little  call  for 
them  when  you  come  out.  In  short,  if  you  waste  your 
money  i'  summer,  you  can't  expect  to  have  it  to  spend  i' 
winter,  and  then  wot  comes  of  your  'unting?— ay,  then 
wot  comes  of  my  'ounds?  That's  the  question  put  in  a 
familiar  f(;nn  (cheers).  Ah,  now  I  see  you  twig,  and  go 
along  with  me.  Oh,  gen'lcmen,  gen'lemen,  there's  nothin' 
HO  difficult  as  gettin'  a  sul>scription  to  a  pack  of  'ounds. 
Chaps  tliat  would  give  a  uiidred  a-year  to  a  cuk,  grudge 
a  fi'-pvm  note  to  a  pack  that  would  keep  them  in  'ealth, 
and  save  them  all  tlie  money  i'  seidlitz  pooders  (laugliter 
and  applause).  VVIiicli  tlion  will  you  liave?  'Unting 
i'  winter,  or  street-strollin'  i'  Kummcrr'  I'll  diwide 
the  meetin'  on  the  (luestion,  and  take  the  sense  of  this 
assembly.  All  then  wlio  are  for  the  sport  of  kings,  the 
image  of  war  witliout  its  guilt,  with  only  five-and-twenty 
per  cent,  of  its  danger,  'old  up  tlicir  "ands." 

A  forest  of  li ands  were  Iield  uj)  for  Iiunting;  on  the 
other  (piestion  l>eing  put,  no  one  was  found  in  favour  (jf 
it,  whereupon  Mr.  JoiTOcka  conrUuh-d  amidst  loud  and 
long-continui  d    ;ii)plau8e,   by   comi)limenting   them   on 

N  n 


546 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


tbeir  choice,  calling  on  every  man  to  put  his  shoulder  to 
the  wheel,  and  do  his  possible  in  suppoi't  of  himself  and 
the  "  Handley  Cross  Fox  Hounds."  A  large  party 
sat  down  to  supper  after  the  lecture ;  and  we  are  happy 
to  add  thiit  a  subscrijjtion  was  opened  for  the  purpose 
of  presenting  Mr.  Jorrocks  with  a  solid  token  of  esteem 
in  the  shape  of  a  silver  steak  dish,  with  a  model  of  him- 
self on  Arterxerxes  on  the  cover.  More  gratifying  still 
it  is  to  add,  that  the  subscription  was  immediately  filled. 


TEBIIMOiriAL  TO   JOHN    J0BB0CK8,    ESQ. 


CHAPTER    LX 

THE   STUD   SALE 

The  foUowinf?  was  tLe  strength  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  stud 
at  the  close  of  the  season. 

There  were  our  old  friends  Xerxes  and  Arterxerxes ; 
also  ag'reat  raking,  bonj%  cock-throppled.  rag-ged-hipped, 
shabby-tailed,  white-legged  chestnut,  fired  all  round, 
that  had  belonged  to  a  smuggler,  and  was  christened 
"  Ginnums";  alittle  .jumped-up,  thick-set,  mealy-legged, 
sunken-eyed  bay,  with  a  short  tail  and  full  coarse  mane, 
whose  unhappy  look  i)rocured  him  the  name  of  Dismal 
Geordy ;  a  neatish  brown,  that  our  Master  bought  of 
young  May.  the  grocer  at  Handley  Cross,  and  christened 
Young  Hyson ;  and  the  cut-'em-dowu  Captain's  quad, 
six  in  all.  Arterxerxes  did  most  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  work, 
and  Xerxes  could  carry  half-a-dozen  Bens  every  day  in 
the  week,  so  that  Pigg  and  Charley  came  in  for  most  of 
the  work  of  the  others,  Charley  never  having  gone  to 
the  trouble  of  getting  any  more  horses  than  the  one  he 
brought  with  him. 

Xerxes  and  Arterxerxes  (capital  feeders)  were  both 
desperately  troubled  with  the  slows,  and  tlie  latter 
linii'<;d  and  blew  in  a  way  tliat  made  ill-natured  people 
say  he  was  going  broken-winded. 

Having  U>ng  stood  together,  they  had  contracted  a 
fi-iendshii),  tbat  displayed  itself  in  constant  neigliings 
and  whinnyings  when  sciiarated,  and  rushings  together 
and  rubl>ingH  on  meeting,  to  the  doi-ingement  of  the 
dignity  and  convenience  of  tiicir  riders.  Thus  if  Mr. 
.lorrocks  was  yoicking  on  on»!  side  of  a  cover  on  Arter- 
xerxes, and  BcTi  all  liot-ing*  it  on  the  other  side  on 
Xerxes,  there  would  be  such  ;i  neighing  and  whinnying, 
and  exchanging  of  comjjliments  all  flie  time,  as  gri-aHy 
to  interfere  with  our  Master's  attontiou  to  hi.s  hounds, 
and  when  the  horses  caught  sight  of  each  other,  Xerxes 
would  take  the  bit  between  his  teeth,  and  rtiHJi  to  his 
friend  Arterxerxes,  making  a  rubbing-post  of  him   and 

•  "  '  Yii  bote,"  to  uiako  lioiuiUs  Uuul."— Diary  of  a  JlioiltuKtu. 


548  HANDLEY   CROSS 

liis  rider,  in  defiauce  of  resistance  on  the  part  of  Ben- 
jamin, and  remonstrance  on  tlie  part  of  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

Ginnums  was  quite  the  reverse  of  the  precedinf^f.  He 
had  commenced  life  as  a  leather-plater,  and  done  hard 
service  on  some  country  courses,  and  after  experiencing 
the  vicissitudes  of  fortune  in  the  hands  of  various 
masters  of  different  callings,  had  descended  into  the 
hands  of  a  smuggler,  when  he  was  seized  by  the  Excise, 
well  weighted  with  contraband  goods,  and  publicly  sold 
to  Mr.  Jorrocks  for  fourteen  pounds  ten  shillings.  He 
was  a  raking  goer,  but  a  nasty  wriggling  beast  to  ride, 
continually  throwing  his  head  in  the  air,  to  the  danger 
of  his  rider's  countenance.  His  mouth,  too,  was  deadened 
on  one  side,  and  he  had  a  careless  rushing  sort  of  way 
of  going  at  his  fences,  but  he  never  tired,  and  coixld  go 
through  heavy  groimd  with  wonderful  ease  to  him- 
self. 

Dismal  Geordy  was  of  the  hot  and  heavy  sort, — a 
better  hand  at  tx'otting  than  galloping.  He  used  to 
jump  and  squeal  with  a  cow-like  action  at  first  going 
out,  and  could  gallop  pretty  well  for  a  mile  or  so,  after 
which  he  would  shut  u]),  and  be  dull  and  heavy  the  rest 
of  the  day.  He  was  a  dull  under-bred  brut^e,  with  very 
little  taste  for  hunting. 

Young  Hyson  was  a  neat  horse,  and  a  good  goer,  but 
quite  unmade  when  Mr.  Jorrocks  bought  him. — Pigg 
and  he  used  to  roll  about  tremendously  at  first. 

"  Gin  ar  were  ye,"  said  James  to  his  master,  as  the 
latter  took  his  usual  stroll  through  the  stables,  "  gin  ar 
were  ye,  ar'd  get  shot  o'  some  o'  these  nags — they'll 
never  do  ye  ne  good." 

"Why  so,  James  H'"  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  a  more 
amiable  mood  than  usual  when  his  stud  was  abused. 

"  Because  ar  thinks  there's  ne  nse  i'  keepin'  sick  a  lot 
through  the  summer ;  ye  that  have  ivery  thing  to  buy 
and  nothing  for  them  to  de.  Ye  am't  like  ma  coosin 
Deavilboger,  that  can  work  them  i'  the  farm  a  bit,  and 
gar  them  pay  their  keep." 

"  True,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks  ;  "  'ay's  dear — so  is  corn 
— bnt  how's  one  to  get  rid  of  these  sort  of  animals, 
think  ye  ?  No  demand  for  them  now  that  the  rallys  have 
dished  all  the  coaches." 

"  Why,  but  it's  just  the  same  thing,  if  ye  sell  cheap 
now,  ye'll  buy  cheap  i'  the  autumn,  and  save  all  the 
snmmerin'.  There's  Ginnums,  now,  his  near  foreleg's 
verra  kittle — ar'd  get  shot  o'  him  while  it  stands. 
Arter.\cvxes,  tee,  is  queer  iv  his  wind,-  ye  d  better  be 


THE   STUD   SALE  549 

rid  o'  liim  while  it  lasts.  Geordy,  tee,  is  nabbut  fit  for 
the  pits  ; — ye  canna  eret  worse ! " 

"I  doesn't  know  that,"  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  had 
rather  an  affection  for  the  Dismal,  and  thou^4it  he 
would  do  for  his  Boobey  Hut<jh.  "  Besides,  we  shall 
want  a  couple,  at  all  ewents,  to  exercise  th'  'oimds 
during  the  summer." 

The  close  of  a  waterinfj-place  season  cfenerally  pro- 
duces some  chan«;e  amonpr  the  studs.  Gentlemen  have 
got  to  the  end  of  their  tethers,  spring  captains  have  to 
join  their  regiments  abroad,  and  some  always  make  a 
practice  of  selling  at  the  end  of  a  season  (or  at  any 
other  time).  Handley  Cross  formed  no  exception  to 
the  rule,  and  Mr.  Palmer,  the  auctioneei-,  having 
canvassed  the  town,  i)ersuaded  the  owners  of  some 
eighteen  or  twenty  hoi-ses  to  entrust  them  to  his  per- 
suasive eloquence  in  the  shape  of  a  sale  by  auction. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  hanng  considered  Pigg's  suggestions,  and 
being  up  to  all  the  tricks  of  horse-auctions,  agreed  to 
send  his  six.  on  condition  of  the  sale  being  well  adver- 
tised, and  his  stud  especially  mentioned  as  being  sold 
in  consequence  of  his  wishing  to  remount  his  men  on 
horses  more  suitable  to  the  country. 

Accordingly  advertisements  were  inserted  in  all  the 
papers,  and  lists  distributed  far  and  near,  headed 
■■  Great  Stud  Sale,"  and  describing  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
liorses  as  masters  of  great  weight,  that  had  been 
regularly  hunted  all  the  season  with  the  Handley  Cross 
Fox-hounds. 

The  publicity  thus  given  had  the  effect  of  causing  all 
the  curious-looking,  cut-away  coats,  and  extraordinary 
top-boots  in  the  counti-y  to  drop  into  the  town  of 
Handley  Cross  on  tlie  morning  of  the  sale.  Some 
I>f;ople  cannot  stay  away  from  a  horse-auction;  and  men 
that  can  hardly  keep  tliemselves  will  appear,  and  some- 
times undergo  the  spasm  of  jnitting  in  a  horse  at  a  low 
figure,  for  the  momentary  crhil  of  being  taken  for 
purchaserH.     Lucklf'ss  wiglits  if  in  an  evil  moment  the 

liammer  droi)8  with  the   fatal   fiat,  "  Yours,   sir !  " 

But  to  our  sale. 

At  an  early  iiour  the  horses  were  brought  from  their 
res[)pctive  stablfs  and  arranged  in  numl)ered  stalls  in 
the  Dragon  Yard,  acconling  to  tlieir  classilication  in 
the  bills.  All  tlx!  liand  rubbing  w;ih  done  at  1ioim<',  so 
that  tlioy  had  only  to  receive  tlie  finisliing  touch  from 
the  clean  waistcoated  grooms,  who,  with  ])laHtere<l  hair, 
were   charged   with    their  respective    lies    as    to   their 


550 


HANDLEY   CEOS8 


qualifications.  James  Pigrg  an-ived  first,  and  so  well 
done  were  his  horses,  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  almost  hoped 
tbey  mjo-ht  return  as  he  saw  them  pass  along  the  street 
to  the  yard.  Ben  and  Pi^g  had  on  their  top-boots, 
striped  waistcoats,  and  brown  frocks,  wliich  latter  were 
taken  off,  carefully  folded  up,  and  ijut  into  a  corn-bin 
in  the  stable  wliere  their  horses  stood.     It  was  a  nine- 


TIIE    BTUD    8AI,E 


stall  one,  and  there  were  two  horses  belonging  to  two  j 
fast-going  foot-captains,  and  a  mare  the  property  of  a  | 
water-drinker,  along  with  Mr.  Jorrocks's. 

At  twelve  o'clock  the  stable.s  were  thrown  open,  and  ] 
fussy  gentlemen  in  taglionis,   mackintoshes,  siphonias 
and  reversiVjle  coats,  &c.,  whips  and  bills  in  their  hands, 
began  their  examination.     There  was  Captain  Shortflat  j 
admiring  Ai-terxerxes,    and    abusing    Dismal   Geordy,  i 


THE   STUD   SALE  551 

that  he  wanted  to  buy ;  young-  men  feelinpr  old  horses' 
le^s,  and  risin»  froui  the  operation  as  wise  as  they 
stooped ;  some  bringing:  'il'  their  acquaintance  to  assist 
in  findintr  faults,  and  others  pumping  grooms  to  tell 
what  they  were  paid  for  keeping  secret. 

James  Pigg  gave  his  horses  the  very  best  of  charac- 
ters, which  Ben  as  quickly  counteracted  by  telling 
everything  he  knew  to  their  disadvantage.  This,  of 
course,  Ben  did  in  confidence,  and  in  the  hopes  of  a 
douceur  for  his  honesty.  Pigg  kept  protesting  as  he 
patted  them  "  that  they  were  just  the  best  husses  he 
liad  ever  seen,  and  he  didn't  ken  what  could  make  his 
'ard  feuil  of  a  niaister  think  o'  parting  with  them," 
while  Ben,  with  a  leer  and  a  wink,  declared  it  was  "  all 
his  eye,  and  they  were  only  fit  for  the  knackers."  * 

Towards  one,  most  of  the  inquisitive  gentry  having 
satisfied  their  curiosity,  the  motley  group  began  to  con- 
gregate in  the  stable-yard,  and  some  began  to  look  at 
their  watches  and  inquire  for  the  auctioneer.  The 
assembly  at  a  sale  of  tliis  sort  exhibits  every  link  in  the 
chain  of  sporting  life,  from  the  coroneted  peer  to  the 
broken-down  leg.  There  is  a  good  deal  of  equality,  too, 
in  the  scene,  the  generality  of  the  company  being 
8trangei"8  to  each  other ;  and  as  many  people  consider  it 
knowing  to  dress  diiferently  to  what  they  generally  do, 
the  great  men  are  not  easily  distinguishable  from  the 
little  ones.  A  stud-sale  is  a  sort  of  fox-hunters',  hare- 
hunters',  prize-fighters',  dog-stealers'  reunion,  for  which 
jjeople  pull  out  queer-cut,  and  flash-coloured  coats,  and 
dress  themselves  in  drab  breeches  with  knee-caps,  or 
moleskins  with  gaiters.  All  have  whips,  even  the 
pedestrians. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  launched  an  uncommonly  smart  new 
taglioni  for  the  occasion,  a  brown-stiiped  hntjiavd's  skin 
looking  duffle,  all  decorated  in  front  with  tassels  and 
cords,  with  jiockets  of  various  size  and  position,  l>ound 
with    nut-brown   velvet:    the    standing-up    c<»llar,    and 

f>ointed  cuffs  were  of  nut-brown  velvet  also,  and  it  was 
ined  and  wadded  tliroiigho\it  with  ni.stling  silk.  Tlius 
he  swaggered  into  the  yard,  his  liands  stutl'cd  into  the 
lower  tier  of  jiockets,  and  liis  great  tassels  jiatterinff 
against  his  Hessian  lioots  as  lu;  walked.  There  was  an 
easy  indilVerenc*!  in  lii;i  air  wliicli  plainly  said  lie  didn't 
care  whether  Ik-  sold  his  horses  oi'  not. 

His  appearance  was  the  signal  for  Mr.   Palmer,  the 
auctioneer,  to  quit  the  Dragon  bar,  wliere  he  was  sippin^f 
•  HorHe-HlmightororH, 


552  HANDI-EY   CROSS 

a  ^lass  of  cold  livaiidy  and  water,  and  forthwith  he 
emerged  with  a  roll  of  catalogues  and  his  hammer  in  his 
hand.  He  was  a  rosy-gilled,  middle-aged,  middle-sized 
man,  who  had  failed  twice  in  the  hosiery  line,  once  in 
the  spirit-way,  and  once  in  the  Temperance  Hotel  line. 
He  was  sprucely  di-essed,  as  most  auctioneers  are, 
wearing  a  superfine  velvet  collar' d  great  coat,  open  in 
front,  displaying  a  superfine  black  coat  and  waistcoat, 
with  a  clean  white  neck-cloth,  and  small  shirt-frills, 
secured  by  a  handsome  brooch. 

Having  saluted  Mr.  Jorrocks  with  becoming  respect, 
they  paired  off  for  a  few  minutes,  to  arrange  the  puff 
preliminary  for  his  horses. 

This  being  done,  Mr.  Palmer  repaired  to  the  end  of 
the  yard,  where,  under  the  clock,  a  temporary  rostrum 
had  been  erected,  formed  of  short  planks  placed  on  four 
beer-bavrels.  on  which  stood  a  table,  and  there  was  a  desk 
below  for  the  clerk  to  take  the  deposits  uj^on.  At  the 
back  was  a  short  step-ladder,  upon  the  top  stair  of  which 
Mr.  Palmer  moiTnted,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  perched  himself 
on  the  one  immediately  below.  The  crowd,  with  the 
usual  follow-my-leader  propensity,  were  soon  ranged 
round  the  rostrum,  and  a  slight  shower  beginning  to 
fall,  umbrellas  went  up,  and  Mr.  Palmer  unfolded  a 
catalogue,  and  cleared  his  voice  for  an  oration. 

"  Gentlemen !  "  said  he,  "  may  I  request  your  attention 
while  I  read  the  conditions  of  sale  ?  " 

"  Throw  us  a  catalogue !  "  cried  haK-a-dozen  voices ; 
and  foi-thwith  a  shower  of  half  crumpled  catalogues 
began  to  fly  about,  to  be  scrambled  for  by  the  gentry 
below.  The  demand  being  satisfied,  Mr.  Palmer  again 
cleared  his  throat,  and  requesting  attention  to  the 
conditions  of  sale,  proceeded  to  read  about  "  the  highest 
bidder  being  the  jjurchaser;  and  if  any  dispute  arose," 
&c.,  which  was  listened  to  with  the  usual  patience 
bestowed  upon  such  "  I  know  it  all "  sort  of  orations. 
After  some  very  inferior  rubbish  had  been  passed  or 
disposed  of.  Mr.  Jon-ocks's  turn  drew  on,  and  Arter- 
xerxes'  great  Roman  nose  was  seen  peeping  out  of  the 
stable  door,  when  at  the  word  "'  Out ! "  Ben  gave  him 
a  cut  beliind,  and  forth  Hew  the  horse,  kicking  and 
squeaking  from  the  combined  eifects  of  the  whip  and 
the  ginger.  Pigg  ran  him  up  to  the  hammer,  which 
the  horse  approached  with  such  energy  as  to  threaten 
demolition  not  only  to  the  crowd,  but  to  the  rickety 
fabi-ic  of  a  rostrum. 
Having  got  him  stopped  without  a  more  serious  injury 


THE   STUD   SALE 


553 


than  upsettins:  the  clerk's  uncorked  six-penny  bottle  of 
red  ink,  and  scattering  the  crowd  rioflit  and  left,  the 
spectators  formed  an  avenue  on  each  side  of  the  horse, 
while  PisTg  tickled  him  under  the  knee  with  his  whip,  to 
get  him  to  stand  out  and  show  himself. 

"  Xow,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Palmer,  with  a  prepara- 
tory hem,  looking  the  horse  full  in  the  face,  "  this  is  lot 
one  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  stud,  the  celeln-ated  horse. 
Arterxerxes !  familiar  to  every  one  in  the  habit  of 
hunting  with  the  celebrated  hounds  over  which  his  dis- 
tinguished o\\Tier  has  the  honour  to  preside."' 

"  Presides  with  such  ability,"  growled  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
in  the  auctioneer's  ear. 


'■  Over  which  his  distinguished  owner  presides  with 
such  ability,"  repeat<;d  Mr.  Palmer.  "  He  is,  as  you  see, 
a  horse  of  groat  power  and  substance,  equal  to  the — '' 

*'  Say  speed  !"  wliiKjicred  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"  He  is,  as  you  see,  a  horse  of  great  j)ower,  sjieed,  and 
substance,  equal  to  any  weight     " 

"How  can  we  see  his  8i>eed?"  inquircil  a  druukcn- 
Jooking  groom,  in  an  out-of-place  costume,  covered 
hiuttrmH,  and  so  f(ji'tli. 

"Hold  your  tongue,  sir,  and  listen  to  me!"'  said  Mr. 
Palnifr  with  an  air  of  authority. 

"  Ho  is,  as  you  hoc,  gontlomon,"  resumed  tlie  auctioneer, 
"  a  horse  of  gi-oat  power,  speed,  and  substance,  up  to  any 
weight,  and  quiet — " 


554 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


"  Qiiiet  enough,"  observed  a  bystander,  "  if  yon  hadn't 
figged  him." 

"  And  is  only  sold,"  continued  the  auctioneer,  "because 
his  owner  has  no  f  nrther  use  for  him." 

'■  Highly  proliable  !  "  exclaimed  a  voice. 

"  No  one  else,  I  sliould  think  !  "  rejoined  another. 

"  He's  an  undeniable  leaper  !  "  whis]jeredMr.  JoiTocks. 

"As  a  leaper  this  horse  is  not  to  be  surpassed!  " 
observed  the  auctioneer. 

"  Temperate  at  his  fences,"  prompted  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
adding,  "  Vy  don't  you  goon,  man  ?  " 

"  Because  you  put  me  out,"  replied  the  auctioneer, 
turning  snappishly  round,  and  saying,  "  Do  hold  your 
jaw  !  " 

*'  Blast  your  imi)erance ! "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  an 
exclamation  that  produced  a  burst  of  laughter,  during 
which  Mr.  Palmer  turned  again,  and  had  a  conference 
with  Jorrocks  beliind.  After  a  few  seconds'  parley, 
during  which  Mr.  Jorrocks  assured  the  auctioneer  that 
he'd  set  to  and  sell  the  "  'osses  "  himself,  if  he  didn't 
take  care,  Mr.  Palmer  resumed  in  a  more  submissive 
tone, — 

'■  I  was  going  to  observe,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  that 
as  you  are  not  all  in  the  habit  of  hunting  with  the 
celebrated  hounds  in  this  neighbourhood,  that  this  horse 
is  the  proj^erty  of  the  renowned  Mr.  Jorrocks,  and  has 
been  ridden  by  liim  during  the  whole  of  the  past  season, 
and  is  equal  to  any  weight  you  can  possibly  put  upon 
him." 

"  Aye  is  he  ! "  exclaimed  Pigg,  rubbing  the  horse's 
great  Roman  nose :  "  top  huss  !  best  we  have,  by  far." 

'■  Now  'bout  Surrey,"  whispered  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"And,  gentlemen,"  continued  Mr.  Palmer,  looking 
sadly  disconcerted,  "  before  coming  here,  this  horse 
was  a  distinguished  performer  in  the  Surrey  Hunt — a 
hunt  that  beats  all  other  hunts,  except  the  Handley 
Cross  Hunt,  for  intensity  of  ardour  and  desperate 
conflixion." 

"  Well  done  ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  patting  the 
orator's  back. 

"  Keep  the  tambourine  a  rowlin' ! "  gi-owled  Pigg, 
turaing  his  quid,  and  jiatting  the  horse's  head. 

■'  All  round  my  'at !  "  squeaked  Benjamin  in  the  crowd. 

'"Now    'bout    the     cut-me-downs,"    wiiispered    Mr. 
Jorrocks. 

"  And,  gen'lemen,  he  is  favourably  known  in  the 
cut-'em-down  and  'ang-'em-up-to-dry    countries,  where 


THE   STUD   SALE  555 

his  distinoriiished  owner  has  frequently  shown  them  the 
way." 

"  Werry  trood."  said  Mr.  Jorrocks,  chuckling  and 
nibbing  his  hands.  '"  So  I  do— so  I  do— the  way  to  open 
the  grates  at  least." 

"  He  is  quite  in  his  prime."  continued  the  auctioneer, 
"  fi-esh  and  fit  for  immediate  work.  Now  what  will  any 
gentleman  give  for  this  celebrated  hunter?  Put  him 
in  at  whatever  you  like :  he  is  to  be  sold !  Shall  I  say  a 
hundred  and  fifty  for  him  ?  " 

"Shillin's?"  exclaimed  one  of  the  auctioneer's 
tormentors. 

"  Will  any  gentleman  give  a  hundred  and  fifty  guineas 
for  the  horse  'i  "  continued  Mr.  Palmer,  without  noticing 
the  inteiTuption ;  '"  a  hundred  and  fifty  guineas !  No  one 
say  a  hundred  and  fifty  ?  A  hundred  and  forty,  then  ? — a 
hundred  and  thirty  ?— one  hundred  guineas,  then  ?— 
throwing  him  away  I  " 

"  Deed  is't  I  "  exclaimed  Pigg. 

Still  no  one  was  sensible  enough  to  see  the  matter  in 
this  light,  and  after  a  pause,  during  which  a  seedy-looking 
little  fellow,  in  a  very  big  bad  hat.  a  faded  green  kerchief, 
and  a  long,  dirty,  drab  great-coat,  that  concealed  a  pair 
of  nearly  black  top-boots,  requested  to  see  Arterxerxes 
run  down  ;  and  having  visited  him  with  a  severe  punch  in 
the  ri)>3  on  his  return  and  a  nip  in  the  neck,  coolly 
obsei-ved  that  he  was  a  bull.* 

"  No  more  than  yourself  ! "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks. 
"  Will  you  wiirniut  him,  then  ? ''  inquired  Drab-coat. 
"Varrant   him!"   repeated    Mr.    Jorrocks,   "I  never 
varrants— wouldn't  varrant  that  lie's  an  'oss,  let  alone 
that  he's  sound." 

"  You  knows  better  I  "  replied  Drab-coat,  examining 
the  horse's  eyes  as  he  snoke ;  adding,  "  I'm  not  sure  Imt 
he's  a-going  blind,  t<jo! 

"  You  be  d  d  !  "  growled  Pigg,  doubling  liis  fist  as  he 
spoke. 

"  Pray  keep  order,  gentlemen ! "  interijosed  the 
auctioneer. 

"What  U'cAh  he  has!"  exclaimed  Drab-coat— "long 
as  my  arm  !  " 

"  You  must  have  length  Homewlinrf ;  and  I'm  bh»\ved 
he  ham't  got  it  nowhere  else,"  rejoined  a  confoderat<\ 

"  Come,  gentlemen,  let's  have  no  more  of  your  chaffing. 
V)nt  j)roceed  tf)  Imsiness."  interniptod  the  auctioneer. 
"  What  will  any  one  give  for  this  valuable  -" 

•  A  roarer. 


550  HANDLEY  CROSS 

"  Dray-horse ! "  exclaimed  some  oue. 

■'  Hunter! "  continued  the  auctioneer,  without  noticing 
the  interruption. 

"  Fifteen  pund."  said  Drab-coat. 

"  Fifteen  pund  I  "  exclaimed  the  auctioneer,  in  disgust. 
"  You  must  bid  in  a^nineas.  sir." 

'■  Then  fourteen  guineas  !  "  replied  the  man. 

"  Fourteen  guineas,"  said  the  auctioneer.  "  Come, 
gentlemen,  please  to  go  on— qiiick."  Fifteen,  sixteen, 
seventeen,  eighteen,  eighteen  in  two  places,  nineteen, 
and  twenty  were  bid  without  any  further  persuasion. 
"  Twenty  guineas  are  only  bid  for  this  beautiful  animal ! " 
exclaimed  Mr.  Palmer,  flourishing  his  hammer.  "  Why, 
his  tail's  worth  all  the  money." 

"  For  a  hat-ijeg ! "  exclaimed  some  one. 

"  His  head  would  make  a  fine  fiddle-case,"  observed 
Drab-coat,  with  a  sneer. 

"  He's  up  to  anj'  weight  with  any  hounds,"  observed 
Mr.  Palmer. 

"  He'll  be  more  at  home  with  millers'  sacks,"  rejoined 
the  confederate. 

"  'Ard  as  iron,"  whispered  Mi-.  Jorrocks. 

"  Very  stout!  "  exclaimed  the  auctioneer. 

"  'Deed  is  he !  "  rejoined  Drab-coat,  punching  his  fat 
sides. 

"  Confound  youi*  imperance  ! "  muttered  Mr.  JoiTocks, 
over  the  rostrum  :  '"  I'll  skin  you  alive  !  " 

"  Ar'll  tan  your  hide  enow ! "  said  Pigg,  looking 
indignantly  round. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,  please  keep  order,  and  go  on,'' 
urged  the  auctioneer.  "  Twenty  guineas  are  only  bid 
for  this  valuable  hunter,  and  I  can't  dwell.  And  you 
all  done  at  twenty  guineas  ?  " 

"  One,"  nodded  some  one. 

"Two!" 

"  Three ! " 

'•  Four ! " 

"Five!"  and  again  the  biddings  came  to  a  pause. 
Drab-coat  retires,  his  commission  being  exhausted. 

"  Twenty-five  guineas  !  "  recapitulated  the  auctioneer. 
"  Five-and-twenty  guineas  only  bid  for  this  splendid 
hunter — master  of  great  weight — great  cut-'em-down 
powers — giving  him  away — but  I  can't  dwell.  Are  you 
all  done  at  twenty-five  guineas,  gentlemen?  Going!  for 
the  last  time,"  lifting  his  hammer  as  he  spoke. 

Just  as  the  fatal  blow  was  about  to  be  struck,  Jor- 
rocks's  conscience  smote  him  at  parting  with  a  faithful 


THE   STUD   SALE  557 

old  auinial  that  had  carried  him  triuuijjhantly  throug:h 
many  a  glonous  chase — the  model,  too,  of  his  moiint  on 
the  silver  steak  dish  handle — causing  him  to  blurt  out 
"  three  'underd !  "  which  had  the  eiiect  of  saving  the  lot 
and  spoiling  the  sale  of  the  rest,  people  grumbling  and 
saying  they  didn't  come  there  to  be  made  fools  of  by  him, 
and  80  on.  Arterxerxes  then  returned  to  his  stable,  and 
was  replaced  at  the  hammer  by  Xerxes,  who  came  with 
his  great  switch  tail  sticking  up  like  Gabriel  Junks'. 
Again  Mr.  Palmer's  persuasive  powers  were  put  forth  to 
induce  the  audience  to  look  favourably  on  the  horse's 
pi'etensions ;  all  the  good  qualities  ascribed  to  his  late 
comrade  were  freely  transferred  to  him  ;  indeed,  if  any- 
thing, Xerxes  was  rather  the  better  horse  of  the  two. 
Drab-coat  puts  him  in  again  at  a  low  figure,  and  the 
same  scene  of  complimentary  politeness  ensues  that 
marked  the  coiirse  of  Arterxerxes. 

The  biddings  being  languid,  and  the  auctioneer  seeing 
little  chance  of  hona-fidc  ones,  took  up  the  running  him- 
self at  a  brisk  pace,  and  knocked  the  horse  down  at  sixty 
guineas,  announcing  Mr.  Scrogeins  as  the  buyer.  This 
gave  the  thing  a  fiUij),  and  Dismal  Geordy  was  knocked 
down  to  Captain  Shortflat  for  eight-and-twenty  poimds, 
ten  more  than  I\Ir.  Jorrocks  gave  for  him.  The  captain 
then  received  the  usual  compliments  on  his  piu'cliase. 
(me  man  asking  liim  if  he  was  "fond  of  walking;" 
another  observing  that  he  supposed  the  cajitain  had 
purchased  the  horse  for  his  farm,  to  which  latter  the 
captain  replied,  with  a  growl,  that  he  had  bought  him  to 
go  in  a  bathing  machine— a  retort  that  had  the  effect  of 
8upi)re88ing  the  rest  of  their  chaff.  The  other  lots  were 
t  lien  proceeded  with ;  some  being  sold  and  others  retained. 
Thus  closed  the  Handley  Cross  hunting  season. 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  having  instructed  James  Pigg  what  to 
do,  and  taken  an  affectionate  leave  of  Galniel  Junks,  set 
off  for  London,  leaving  Mrs.  Jonvicks  and  Co.  to  follow 
as  soon  as  Mrs.  Jorrocks  luid  paid  her  bills  and  left  her 
P.  P.  C.H. 

Then,  as  she  drove  from  house  to  house,  knocking 
and  ringing  and  leaving  of  cards,  significant  looks  and 
knowing  sentences  jjassed  respecting  Belinda. 

Disappointed  mammas,  who  had  risked  tlie  season  in 
vain,  "  8upiK)H'-d  tlu-y  ought  to  congratulate  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks. For  their  i)arts,  they  saw  littlf  cause  for  rejoicing 
in  losing  an  object  both  near  and  dear,  an<l  they  lio])ed 
they  might  never  knf)w  the  afiiiction." 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  'oped  tiiey  never  might. 


558 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


Ladies  who  had  f^entlemen  in  tow  were  more  amiable, 
and  thought  it  was  an  exceedingly  nice  thing.  Others, 
whose  pretensions  to  beauty  were  eclipsed  by  Belinda, 
were  sincerely  glad  to  hear  she  was  going  to  be  married. 
Hoped  she  meant  to  come  a  good  deal  amongst  them  after. 

Mrs.  JoiTocks  heard  all  they  had  to  say,  and  kept 
bobbing,  and  bowing,  and  miittering  something  about 
■'  much  obliged — werry  gratifyin' — not  settled — let  thcvi 
know  first"  which  being  construed  into  an  admission, 
the  old  women  set  to  and  abused  both  Belinda  and 
Charley,  wliile  the  young  ones  sought  out  their  threads 
and  their  worsteds  to  work  her  a  collar  or  a  piece  of 
crochet  work  each. 


CHAPTER  LXI 

THE     PRIVATE     DEAL 

An  usually  Rood  season  having  crowned  Captain  Dole- 
f  ul's  exertions,  and  things  altogether  -wearing  an  upward 
aspect,  he  entered  into  a  deep  mental  calculation,  whether 
it  would  not  be  quite  as  cheap  keeping  a  horse  altogether 
as  liiring  the  town  hacks,  which  he  found  were  notso 
safe  as  was  desirable  for  a  great  official  character  like 
himself.  The  idea  originated  in  the  circumstance  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  horse  Xerxes  being  unsold,  which  Cajjtain 
Doleful  thought  might  be  got  for  a  trifle,  and  seemed  to 
have  been  put  to  all  the  purj:)Oses  a  horse  is  capable  of 
pei-foi-ming.  Having  weighed  the  pros  and  cons,  and 
inquired  the  horse's  character  of  everj'body  about  the 
town,  om-  cautious  M.C.  at  last  ventured  to  write  the 
fr)ll()\ving  letter  about  ten  days  after  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
return  to  London : — 

"  Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks,— I  regret  much  to  learn  that 
your  horse  Xerxes  still  reuiains  on  hand.  I  was  in  liopes 
some  of  the  indifferent  judges  would  have  taken  a  fancy 
to  him,  and  relieved  you  of  an  animal  coufessedly  un- 
Huited  to  your  purpose;  but  that  not  being  tlie  case,  I 
trouble  you  with  this,  to  say  that  Miss  Lucretia  Lear- 
mouth  is  in  want  of  an  animal  to  draw  Ikm-  four-wheeled 
cliaise  about,  and  make  himself  generally  useful,  and  1 
should  be  happy  to  be  of  any  service  in  recommending 
him  to  her.  Price,  I  should  f)bs<'rvo,  will  be  the  first 
oonsidf^ration.  therefore  jjlcase  i)ut  him  in  :it  tlie  lowest 
|)osHible  figure.  Of  course  I  j>rc8nme  he  is  what  tliey  call 
■  all  right.'  On  a  close  examination  of  his  countf^-nance, 
I  perceive  sundry  grey  hairs  scattered  ab(jut : — is  not  (liis 
8ymptf)matic  of  age?  With  comi>liment8  to  the  ladies, 
who,  I  hope,  arrived  safe,  believe  me,  dtrar  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  Yours  very  sincerely, 

"  MlHKRRIMUS  DOLEKUIi,   M.C 

"  Ilandlcy  CroriS/ia, 
"To    .lOHK    .loKKOCKH,    EHtJ., 

"  Ur  -nl  Cormii  Street,  London." 


5B0  HANDLEY  CROSS 

The  followiiif?  w;is  Mr.  Jorrocks's  answer: — 

"Dear  DoiiKFUL, — Yours  is  received,  iiud  note  the 
contents.  Xerxes  may  not  be  first-rate,  but  he  is  a  good 
endurinj?  quad,  well  calkilated  for  much  honerable  exer- 
tion in  many  of  the  minor  fields  of  'oss  enterjjrise.  He 
can  go  a  good  bat,  too,  when  he's  roused ;  and  though  I 
says  it  who  should  not,  Miss  Lucretia  may  go  a  deal 
farther  and  fare  worse.  What  say  you  to  five-and-twenty 
gnas  P  If  Lucretia's  young  and  'andsome  I'll  take  punds, 
if  not  I  must  'ave  the  guas.  Let  me  hear  from  you,  as 
to  this.     Always, 

"  Yours  to  serve, 

"  John  Joerocks,  M.F.H. 

"P.S.— Grrey  'airs  is  nothin'.  I've  seen  'era  all  grey 
afore  now." 

The  following  was  Captain  Dolefnl's  rejoinder  : — 

"Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, — Your  polite  letter  merits  my 
warmest  gratitude.  Miss  Luo-etia  is  young  and  beau- 
tiful !  Left  an  almost  unprotected  orphan,  I  feel  deeply 
interested  in  her  welfare,  which  I  am  sui-e  will  be  par- 
ticipated in  by  you  when  you  have  the  pleasure  of  her 
acquaintance.  Twenty-five  ])ounds  seems  a  great  sum 
for  a  horse  confessedly  not  first-rate— could  you  not 
soften  it  a  little  ?  Fifteen,  I  should  think,  considering  the 
circumstances,  ought  to  buy  him.  He  is  not  handsouie — 
Lucretia  is  beautiful !  Believe  me,  ever,  dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  Yours  very  truly, 

"Miserrimus  Doleful,  M.C. 

"Hundley  Cross  Spa, 
"T(i  John  JoEaocKS,  Esq., 
'•  Great  Coram  Street,  London." 

The  same  post  brought  the  following  letter  from 
James  Pigg : 

"  Honnor'd  Sir, — The  ard  dancin'-maister  has  been 
in  and  out  o'  wor  stable  varry  oft,  and  seems  sweet  on 
ard  Xerxes.  He  says  he's  for  a  lady,  but  his  Miss  Jelly 
tould  a  woman  I  had  for  the  season,  who  tould  me,  that  he 
wants  him  for  hissel' ;  so  mind  your  eye,  and  no  more  from 

"  Yours  humbelly, 

"J.  Pigg. 

'  Mandlcy  Crote. 

H'unds  be  main  well-  so  be  sel' 


T  » 


THE  PRIVATE  DEAX  561 

Mr.  JoiTOcks  took  the  hint,  assumed  the  indifferent, 
and  wi-ote  as  follows,  for  the  delay  of  a  post  or  two : — 

"  Dear  Doleful, — Handsome  is  wot  handsome  does. 
If  Xerxes  am't  a  beauty,  he's  uncommon  useful.  Five 
per  cent,  seems  discount  enough  between  '  beauty  and 
the  beast.'  If  you  like  to  fork  out  .£25  he's  yours,  if  not, 
say  no  more  about  it. 

"  Yours  to  serve, 

"John  Jorrocks,  M.F.H. 

"To  MiSKHRiMUs  Doleful,  Esq.,  M.C, 
"  Handley  Cross  S\m." 

The  captain  did  not  exactly  like  tliis  letter,  but  not 
l)einj?  easily  choked,  he  returned  to  the  charge  with  the 
following  answer : — 

"  Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks,— At  the  risk  of  being  thought 
importunate,  I  again  ventiu'e  to  intercede  very  respect- 
fully on  behalf  of  the  young  and  beautiful  orphan  who 
lias  sought  my  assistance  in  the  matter  of  a  horse. 
Under  no  other  circumstances  could  I  venture  to  intrude 
myself  further  upon  your  valuable  time.  You,  like  all 
liigli-minded  men,  disdain  two  prices.  I  admire  your 
independence,  but  in  expressing  my  admiration,  may  I 
venture  to  hope  that  some  little  relaxation  from  so  meri- 
torious a  rule  may  bo  allowed  in  a  case  so  peculiarly 
interesting  as  the  young  and  beautiful  Miss  Lucretia 
Leamiouth's  ?  Could  we  not  j)ut  it  thus  :— I'll  give  you 
twenty-five  pounds  for  Xerxes,  on  the  miderstanding 
that  you  return  me  five!'  That.  I  think,  seems  rer//f(iir. 
Hoping  you  will  accede  to  a  proposition  so  reasonable, 
l)elieve  me,  dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  Ever  yours  very  faithfully, 

"MisKRKiMUs  Doleful,  M.C. 

"To  .lon.v  .JoRHOCKH,  Kbq., 

"  fircdl  Coriim  Htrcet,  Loiulnii." 

The  following  was  Mr.  Jorrocks's  answer  to  the 
proposition : — 

"  Dkar  Doleful,— I  doesn't  see  the  wit  of  your  offer. 
If  to  give  a  liiirh  ju-ice  is  tlie  olijoct  of  yoni-  ambition.  I'll 
give  you  a  recei|it  for  iJlUU,  and  throw  you  back  -£7."j,  Imt 

O  o 


562  HA-NDIiEY   CROSS 

I  cannot  throw  bnck  nothin'  out  of  £26.    Make  up  your 
mind— and  let's  have  no  hagsjrlin'. 

"  Yours  to  serve, 

"  John  Jokrocks,  M.F.H. 

"To  MlSKRItlMUS   DOLKFUt,   KsQ.,   M.C., 

"  Handley  Cross  Spa." 

Finding  Mr.  Jorrocks  -was  not  to  be  worked  upon  in 
this  way,  and  that  tliere  was  notliin<?  to  jrain  by  perso- 
nating Miss  Lucretia,  Captain  Doleful  determined  to 
come  forth  in  his  own  character,  and  wrote  as  follows : — 

"Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks,— I  have  just  received  yours, 
and  regret  to  inform  you  that  Miss  Lucretia  Learmouth 
has  been  suddenly  called  into  Scotland  by  the  alarming 
illness  of  a  beloved  relative,  whereby  all  occasion  for  a 
horse  is,  of  course,  done  away  Avith.  The  difficulty  of 
making  this  announcement  is,  however,  relieved  by  the 
circumstance  of  my  willingness  to  place  myself  in  her 
shoes ;  I  therefore  beg  to  say  I  shall  be  glad  to  take  the 
horse,  provided,  of  course,  he  is  all  right,  &c..  and  will 
send  you  the  money  on  hearing  from  you.  Dear  Mr. 
Jorrocks, 

"  Yours  very  truly, 

"  MisERRiMus  Doleful,  M.C." 

Mr.  Jorrocks  thus  closed  the  bai'gain  :-- 

"Dear  Doleful,— I'm  sorry  Lucretia's  gone.  I 
should  have  liked  to  have  had  a  look  at  her.  I'm  a  gi-eat 
admirer  o'  beauty  in  all  its  branches,  and  would  always 
rayther  give  a  shilliu'  to  look  at  a  pretty  woman  than  at 
a  panorama.  Howsomever,  never  mind,  the  'oss  is 
yours,  and  you  may  hand  over  the  dibs  to  James  Pigg, 
who  will  give  you  a  receipt,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
Charming  weather  for  bees.  Do  they  make  much  'oney 
about  you  ? 

"  Yours  to  serve, 

"John  Jorrocks,  M.F.H. 

"  Oreaf  Coram  Street,  London. 

"To  MrsERRiMUB  DoLEPUt,  Esq.,  M.C, 
"  Handley  Cross  Spa." 

Armed  with  this  authority.  Doleful  repaired  to  James 
Pigg's,  and  after  a  desultory  conversation,  parted  with 
five-and-twenty  sovereigns  in  exchange  for  the  cele- 
brated Xei'xes. 


THE    PRIVATE   DEAL 


563 


Like  most  young  horse-niasteis,  Captain  Doleful  did 
not  give  his  new  purchase  mucli  rest.  Morning,  noon, 
and  night  he  was  on  its  back,  or  driving  it  about  in  a 
job-fly.  The  captain  felt  it  his  duty  to  call  upon  every- 
body in  the  town,  and  poor  Xerxes  was  to  be  seen  at  all 
hours,  either  fastened  by  the  bridle  to  a  lamp-post,  or 
pacing  melancholily  up  and  down  the  street  in  charge 


l-OOK   XKBXEH 


of  some  little  dirty  urchin.  Soniotinics  a  jjarty  of  them 
would  take  hitn  into  a  bye-street,  and  l>ucket  iiini  up 
and  down  till  tliey  thoutrlit  the  "cajifin  would  be  a 
cfiinin'."  Tiiin,  with  indifTf-iont  grooming  and  very  in- 
difFcrcnt  knop.  soon  reduced  the  once  Hleek  and  pam- 
ui'Vfil  hunter  to  a  very  gaimt,  miHnrable-hxtking  dog- 
lior.'^;o. 
Tlie    captain    luiirkeil    tin-    change   with    nicl.iuchoiy 


364  HANDLET   CROSS 

bodiiig's.  He  had  hoped  to  sell  him  with  advantapre,  so 
as  to  ride  for  nothing,  and  now  he  seemed  more  likely 
to  lose  by  him  than  anything  else.  The  horse  grew 
daily  worse,  and  a  cough  settled  upon  him  that  seemed 
likely  to  finish  liini.  A  more  nnfortunate-looking  couple 
were  never  seen,  than  the  cadaverous  captain  and  the 
poor  coughing  quadruped.  Still  he  went  on  working 
him  as  long  as  the  cough  would  let  him  walk,  hut,  it 
soon  getting  past  that,  the  captain  was  thrown  on  his 
wits  for  getting  out  of  the  purchase.  The  following 
correspondence  will  show  how  he  attempted  it : — 

"  Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, — I  am  sony  to  say  your  horse 
is  very  ill,  labouring,  we  think,  under  pulmonary  con- 
sumption. He  is  dreadfully  emaciated,  and  labouring 
under  a  whooping-cough,  that  is  distressing  to  himself 
and  his  hearers.  I  thought  he  looked  queer  when  I 
bought  him,  as  I  remarked  a  nervous  quivering  of  the 
tail  after  a  slight  gallop  over  Bumpmead.  It  is  unfor- 
tunate, but  you,  as  a  great  horse-master,  know  these  sort 
of  accidents  will  happen,  and  it  is  well  the  loss  falls  on 
one  so  well  able  to  bear  it  as  the  wealthy  Mr.  Jorrocks. 
With  compliments  and  best  wishes  to  Mrs.  and  Miss 
Jorrocks.  who,  I  hope,  are  both  well,  believe  me  to 
remain,  dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  With  great  sincerity,  yours  very  sincerely, 

"MisERRiMTJS  Doleful,  M.C. 

"To  JoHJf  .ToEEOCKs,  Esq., 

"  Great  Coram  Street,  London." 

Mr.  Jorrocks  was  rather  puzzled  how  to  act  on  i-eceipt 
of  this.  His  first  impulse  was  to  tell  the  captain  that 
he  was  a  dirty  fellow ;  and,  iudpcd,  he  wrote  a  letter  to 
that  effect,  but,  Avith  praiseworthy  prudence,  he  kept  it 
over-night,  and  his  wrath  being  somewhat  appeased  by 
the  operation  of  writing,  the  old  adage  of  "least  said 
being  soonest  mended "  came  to  his  assistance,  and 
induced  him  to  concoct  the  following  : — 

"  Dear  Doleful, — Yours  is  received,  and  note  the 
contents.  Mrs.  Jorrocks  is  misfortunately  rayther  in- 
disposed, but  much  oblcged  by  your  purlite  enquiries. 
She  went  to  Sadlers'  Wells  the  night  before  last,  and 
the  house  being  full,  and  (;onsequentially  'ot,  she  was 
impi-udent  enoiigh  to  sit  with  the  box-door  open,  which 
gave  her  the  ear-ache.  In  other  respects,  howsomever, 
she  is  as  lively  as  usual.    This  is  fine  weather  for  the 


THE  PRIVATE   DEAL  565 

country.  It's  a  pity  but  you  bad  Xerxes  ri^bt,  as  toolin' 
a  young  'oman  about  in  a  bugrgy  would  be  unkonimon 
nice  sport.  I  have  no  news.  To^vn  is  very  full  and  'ot. 
Wenus,  I  see  by  my  almanack,  is  an  evenin'  star  till  the 
13th,  and  arterwards  a  mornin'  star.  Jupiter  is  a  mornin' 
star  till  about  the  15th.  Adieu. 
"  Tours  to  serve, 

"  John  Joerocks,  M.F.H." 

This,  as  may  l>e  supposed,  was  not  at  all  satisfactory, 
so  the  captain  immediately  fired  olf  the  following  : — 

"  Dear  Mr.  Jorrocks,— I  fear  I  was  not  so  in- 
telligible as  I  ought  to  have  been  in  my  last  hurried 
communication.  Sly  object  was  to  inforui  you  that  i/our 
horse,  Xer.xes,  is  very  bad— dying,  we  think ;  and  as  it 
appears  he  had  the  seeds  of  consumption  at  the  time 
you  sold  him,  I  think  it  right  you  should  have  the 
earliest  intelligence,  in  case  there  is  any  particular  mode 
of  treatment  you  would  like  adopted.  I  feel  assured 
you  only  require  to  be  acquainted  with  the  untoward 
ciicumstance  to  make  you  rescind  what  appears  to  be 
an  untenable  bargain.  Wishing  you  every  happiness,  I  re- 
main, with  compliments  to  tlie  ladies,  dear  Mr.  Jorrocks, 

"  Ever  yours  very  faithfully, 

"MisERRiMUs  Doleful,  M.C. 

"To  Jonw  JoBuocKH,  Esq., 

"Great  Coram  Street,  Lonclim." 

"  P.S. — Please  to  send  me  a  pound  of  pretty  good  tea, 
in  ounce  packages." 

Still  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  determined  not  to  take  the 
hint,  and,  after  the  delay  of  a  post  or  two,  concocted  the 
following  : — 

"Dear  Doleful,— I  am  worry  son-v  to  hear  so  bad 
an  accoimt  of  my  old  frind  Xerxes.  It's  a  bore  to  lose 
the  servicoH  of  a  (pi:id  joHt  at  tlie  time  one  wanfK  them. 
I  certainlie  considered  him  a  consumptive  hanimal  when 
I  had  him,  but-  it  was  an  'ay-and-coni  cfmsiimiidon.  I 
am  worry  much  obleged  by  your  communication.  In 
course  I  feels  an  interest  in  the  prosperity  of  a  haniiual 
wot  has  carried  me,  with  such  unrufflnd  equiuimity, 
througli  many  a  ghiriouK  (Oiase:  but  in  the  liiuidH  of  a 
'umane  and   discriminatin'  cock  like  yoursolf,    1    ffols 


566  HA.NDT,EY  CROSS 

assured  he  will  receive  every  attention  his  pekoolier  case 
can  require,  and  therefore  must  decline  all  recom- 
mendation. I  'opes  you'll  be  able  to  patch  him  up  to  do 
much  good  work  yet.    S'pose  you  try  cod-liver  hoil. 

"  Tours  to  serve, 

"  John  Jobbocks,  M.F.H. 

"To  Captain  Doleful,  M.C, 
"  Handley  Cross  Spa." 

"  P.S. — I  send  the  tea,  and  'ope  you  will  like  it.  The 
market  has  been  heavy  to-day,  owin'  to  the  reports  in 
circulation  of  the  arrival  of  the  overland  mail.  Little 
has  been  done  in  the  article  since  the  11th  inst.  About 
twelve  chops  of  congou  have  recently  an-ived,  common 
quality,  for  which  high  rates  are  asked.  Sugar's  riz. 
Mrs.  J.  has  gone  for  change  of  hair  to  Shepherd's  Bush, 
but  I  don't  know  that  I  shall  follow  her.  Coram  for 
vae.    Pleasantest  street  in  London." 

Captain  Doleful  was  very  angry  when  he  received  this. 
He  saw  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  laughing  at  him,  and  deter- 
mined to  show  fight : — 

"  Deab  Me.  Jobbocks, — I  wish  to  state  to  you,  very 
plainly  and  explicitly,  that  the  horse  Xerxes  is  unsound, 
and  was  so  when  you  sold  him,  and  that  I  mean  to 
return  him.  If  there  is  any  stable  in  pai-ticular  you 
wish  him  sent  to,  please  to  let  me  know  by  return  of 
post,  as  he  now  stands  at  your  expense. 

"  Tours  very  truly, 

"  MisEREiMUS  Doleful,  M.C. 

"To  John  Joerockb,  Esq., 

"  Great  Coram  Street,  London."  , 

Then  as  Doleful  read  it  over  and  thought  it  rather 
tart,  he  softened  it  with  the  following  2'>laisanterie  : — 

"  P.S.— The  tea  is  very  good.  I  wish  I  could  say  as 
much  for  the  trotter." 

Mr.  Jorrocks  was  equally  determined,  as  appeard  by 
his  answer : — 

"  Deab  Doleful,— I  thought  yoii'd  have  been  more 
of  a  conjurer  than  to  s'pose  I'd  take  back  a  ^625  'oss  wot 
I  never  wan-anted.  Ton  took  him  for  better  or  for 
worser,  jest  as  I  took  Mrs.  J.    P'raps  he  may  not  be 


THE   PRIVATE   DEAL 


567 


quite  so  good  a  ticket  as  you  could  wish;  it  wervy 
seldom  'appens  that  they  are;  but  that's  no  reason  wliy 
you  should  he  off  the  Ijarpain.  Make  the  l^est  on  him. 
•  Be  to  his  wirtues  ever  kind :  be  to  his  faults  a  leetle 
blind,'  as  I  told  you  in  my  second  lector. 

"  Yours  to  serve, 

"  John  Jobrocks,  M.F.H. 

"  To  Captaik  Dolkfpi-,  M.C, 
Handley  Crosa  Spa." 

"  P.S.— Perhaps  he's  got  worms ;   if  so,  linseed  hoil 
im. 

The  following  was  the  captain's  ultimatum:— 
» gjR  —When  I  opened  the  negotiation  with  you 
i-especti'ng  your  rubbishing  good-for-nothing  horse  I 
thought  that  in  dealing  with  the  Master  of  the  Handley 
Cross  Fox-hounds,  I  had  some  guarantee  that  i  was 
dealing  with  a  gentleman.  I  grieve  to  find  I  was  mis- 
taken in  my  conjecture.  I  now  demand  a  return  ot  the 
money  I  paid  for  your  nasty  diseased  horse,  which  an 
honest  En«_'lish  jury  will  award  me  in  the  event  ot  a 
refusal.  Waiting  your  answer,  I  remain,  sir, 
"  Tours  obediently, 

"MisERRiMUS  Doleful,  M.C. 

"  Captain,  Udlfjia;/. 
"  Me.  .Tohbocks,  Grocer, 

"  Great  Comm  Street,  Loudon. 

Mr.  Jorrocks's  answer  was  very  short  :— 

"Dear  Doleful.-  I  doesn't  know  nothin'  wot  an 
honest  English  jury  may  do  for  you.  but  this  I  know.s 
rU  (/o  nothin.     Zounds,  man !   you  must  be  mad    mad 

as  a  hatt«r !  ,.  ^r  ^ 

"  You  ITS  to  serve, 

"John  Jorrockh,  M.F.U. 

"  Oreut  Coram  Street. 
"To  CiWAUt  Dot,r.Ki'i,,  M.f'., 
"Hamlley  CroHH  Hi*." 

"  PS  -Let's  have  no  more  nonsense." 

And  Doleful.  Boeing  that  all  negotiation  was  hopeless. 
rushed  off  to  that  last  conM.lation  of  tlu'  injured  -a 
I'lwyer-who  advised  that  he  had  a  capital  case  if  he 


568  HANDLEY     CROSS 

took  it  to  the  superior  courts  ;  and  Doleful  assenting?,  lie 
immediately  prepared  for  having  a  pop  at  friend  Jor- 
•rocks. 

While  all  this  was  goingr  on,  Handley  Cross  became 
quite  a  different  place.  The  winter  legion  of  semi- 
sporting  invalids  passed  away,  and  were  replaced  by  a 
spring  detachment  from  the  various  seats  of  unhealthi- 
ness— pimply  aldermen,  plethoric  and  purse-plethoric 
millowners  with  their  radiant  ladies,  anxious  mammas 
with  their  interesting  daughters  making  the  grand 
round  of  the  matrimonial  watering-place  markets. 

Still  we  regret  to  say  that  our  famous  Spa,  though 
abundantly  supplied  with  everything  else,  was  but 
indifferently  well  off  for  eligible  young  men.  Not  but 
that  there  Avere  plenty  of  idle,  cane-sucking,  wide-sleeved, 
flagrant  neckclothed  youths,  but  the  real  woodcocks  of 
life,  if  we  may  so  term  them — men  who  could  say  to 
a  lady,  "  I  can  keep  you  as  you  ought  to  be,"  were  scarce 
— very  scarce  indeed.  Most  of  the  youths  were  mere 
hobbledehoys — hanging  about  home  till  they  got  some- 
thing to  do — hopeless  for  anything  but  flirtation,  and 
even  then  they  could  only  be  worked  on  the  reciprocity 
system;  Miss  de  Glancey  favouring  her  brother's 
"  appreciation  "  of  Miss  Glow  on  the  understanding  that 
Miss  Glow  encouraged  their  Tom  to  "think  well"  of 
Miss  de  Glancey.  Under  these  circumstances  it  will  be 
readily  imagined  how  welcome,  how  exciting  was  the 
advent  of  a  gentleman  unfettered  with  females,  and 
unencumbered  with  the  protection  of  all  friends  and 
relations  of  this  life — an  occurrence  so  unusual,_that  we 
should  ill  evince  our  gratitude  for  the  dispensation  were 
we  not  to  devote  a  separate  chapter  to  the  announce- 
ment. 


CHAPTER    LXII 

WILLIAM     THE   CONQUEROR;    OR,   THE   A.D.C. 

Every  one  ■who  has  visited— and  few  there  are,  we 
take  it,  who  have  not — our  deliofhtful  watering-place, 
must  have  observed  the  fine  o-ilt-wired  letter-cage  in 
the  entrance-hall  of  the  Turtle  Doves  Hotel,  in  which 
are  arranged  the  letters  of  expected  visitors,  proclaiming" 
as  well  the  coming  greatness,  as  acting  as  advertise- 
ments of  the  house's  custom.  Here,  as  regular  as 
swallows  in  the  spring,  or  as  the  horse  in  the  little 
roundabout  at  a  fair,  have  appeared,  year  after  year,  the 
letters  of  Major-General  Sir  Thomas  Trout,  the  letters 
of  Captain  Hely  Hobkirk  Smith,  tjie  letters  of  Lady 
Maria  and  Miss  Muff,  the  letters  of  John  Brown  and  Mr. 
Lamb,  the  letters  of  Mrs.  Sharp  and  Miss  Flint,  the 
letters  of  we  don't  know  who  besides.  It  is  from  this 
and  similar  sources  that  our  respected  "  we "  of  the 
"  Pry  "  comi)iIes  his  weekly  bulletin  of  the  rank,  fashion, 
and  beauty  that  visit  this  most  celestial  of  all  sublunary 
scenes. 

The  entrance-hall  is  well  adapted  for  a  watering- 
place  lounge,  being  a  fine,  lofty,  airy  apartment,  flagged 
with  black  and  wliite  diamond-patterned  marble  flags; 
while  the  walls  are  done  in  such  good  imitation  of 
various  marbles,  that  many  a  one  feels  them,  to  be 
satisfied  that  they  are  not  in  the  i-eal  marble  halls  of 
the  song.  On  the  south,  the  liall  o])eiis  into  a  public 
billiard  room  ;  on  the  right  is  tlie  s|)aciouH  cofTee-niom, 
where  wax-lights  are  supplied  without  charge  -or  "  free 
gratis,"  as  tlie  waiter  says;  while  ftn  tlie  left  are  the 
pnvate  anartments  f)f  tlie  liostess,  Mrs.  Mendlove; 
through  tne  largo  plate-glass  window  fif  whicli,  com- 
manding the  aforesaid  let<er-c:ige  and  liall,  her  lovely 
daughter  Constantia  may  aftenioojily  be  seen  rpclining 
elegantly  on  a  roHe-coh)ured  sofa,  in  the  full-blown 
costume  of  a  RInonier.  Tlie  s.mhIi  of  f  lie  window  \h  then 
up,  and  while  the  sill  forms  an  agreeable  resting-place 
for  the  arms  of  an  admiring  lounger,  the  letter-box  below 


570  HANDLEY  CROSS 

is  a  convenient  excuse  for  beinsf  there  if  any  one 
happens  to  come  in  unawares.  Tlien  Constantia  fjoes 
on  with  her  knitting  or  needlewoi'lc,  and  the  swain  drops 
upon  his  liiJ^ht  reading  of  "  Major-General  Sir  Thomas 
Trout,"  "  Captain  Hely  Hobkirk  Smith,"  or  whoever 
happens  to  be  in  the  "lock-up,"  just  as  if  the  improve- 
ment of  liis  mind  was  liis  sole  and  whole  object. 

The  hall  of  the  Turtle  Doves  Hotel  forms  a  sort  of 
centre  of  attraction  for  the  visitors  ;it  either  end  of  the 
town ;  and  beinsf  on  a  level  with  the  street  flags,  invalids 
having  the  entree  can  be  wheeled  in  in  their  garden-chairs 
through  the  bright  folding  mahogany  sash-doors,  where, 
in  addition  to  the  benefit  of  a  well-framed  railway 
time-table  and  the  sight  of  a  weather-glass,  they  have 
the  run  of  the  letter-cage,  of  a  couple  of  country  papers, 
a  second-hand  copy  of  the  "Post,"  a  guide  to  the  Wells, 
and  the  use  of  a  hat-brush — all  very  attractive  things 
in  their  way.  High  'Change  is  generally  about  noon, 
when  the  Bloomer,  having  got  herself  becomingly  up, 
and  the  letter-box  arranged,  throws  uj)  her  window, 
and  subsides  in  easy,  elegant  attitude  on  her  sofa. 
Sir  Thomas  Trout,  who  always  arrives  with  the 
punctuality  of  the  soldier,  is  the  self-elected  great  gun 
of  the  place,  and  to  him  are  referred  all  matters  of 
pedigree,  etiquette,  points  of  honour — of  warfare  and 
military  discipline  generally.  What  he  says  is  law.  Sir 
Thomas,  who  is  a  peripatetic  gourmand,  always  feeds 
into  a  severe  fit  of  the  gout  towards  spring,  and  comes 
to  Handley  Cross  to  be  cured — than  which  we  need 
scarcely  say  there  is  no  better  place. 

Last  summer,  however,  we  grieve  to  add — for  we  have 
a  share  in  it  on  the  sly — the  Tui-tle  Doves  had  not  its 
fair  share  of  company.  Whether  this  was  owing  to 
undue  and,  perhaps,  unfair  competition,  or  to  the 
Boniface  castigation  by  the  Times  or  to  whim,  or  to 
fashion,  or  to  caprice,  we  know  not ;  but  such  was  the 
case,  as  we  know  to  ovir  cost.  That  it  was  not  owing  to 
any  falling-off  in  the  management  of  the  hotel  we  are  in 
a  condition  to  speak ;  for  we  were  there  the  greater  part 
of  the  autumn,  and  never  saw  better  management, 
better  cookery,  better  wine,  better  beer,  better  tea, 
better  butter,  better  anything,  or  a  more  beautiful] 
Bloomer;  and,  des))ite  what  the  Times  may  say  as  toj 
hotels  generally,  the  charges  were  by  no  means  ex- 
orbitant. Not,  of  course,  that  we  paid  anything,  but  we  j 
saw  and  helped  to  inflame  the  bills  of  those  who  did. 
That,  however,  is  not  the  point,  and  is  only  thrown  in  by  I 


WILLIAM   THE   CONQUEROR;   OR,   THE   A.D.C.        571 

way  of  giving  the  house  a  lift.     Our  business  is  with  a 
guest. 

It  was  just  as  the  spring  was  setting  in  with  its  usual 
serenity  that  the  di-ooping  spirits  of  the  Bloumer  were 
cheered  by  the  arrival  of  three  portentous-looking 
lettei-s,  headed, 

"  On  Her  Majesty's  Service," 

and  addressed — 

"To  William  Heveland,  Esq.,  A.D.C,  &c.,&c.,&c., 
"  Turtle  Doves  Hotel, 

"  Hundley  Cross  Spa." 

"  My  wor — rod ! "  exclaimed  the  Bloomer,  clutching 
them,  and  admii-ing  the  great  seals — the  royal  arms; 
and  then  turning  to  the  directions — '"  my  woi — rod," 
repeated  she,  "  but  tliis  is  something  like,"  reading — 

" '  On  Her  Majesty's  Service. 

"  '  William  Heveland,  Esq.,  A.D.C 

"A.D.C.."  repeated  she— "  A.D.C— what's  A.D.C, 
postman  ?  " 

"A.  B.  C  D.  E.  F.  G.  H.  I.  J.,"  replied  the  postman, 
hun-ying  off,  saying  the  alphabet. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Bloomer,  turning  one  of  the  letters 
upside  down,  "  he's  somebody,  that's  quite  clear— on 
Her  Majesty's  Service— well,  I  think!  If  this  isn't  the 
making  of  the  house,  I  don't  know  what  will." 

She  then  turned  it  upright  again,  as  if  in  hojjes  that 
a  fresh  view  would  help  her  to  decipher  it,  but  with  no 
better  success.  The  A.D.C  fairly  jMizzled  her.  She 
would  like  to  know  wliat  it  meant.  K.CB.'s,  LL.D.'s, 
F.R.S.'h,  D.('.L.'h,  kIh!  had  Koveraily  caged,  but  had  never 
had  an  A.D.C  tlnougli  her  hands  before.  "  Whatctmld 
A.D.C  mean  'i  "  thougiit  she,  as  she  run  her  eye  over  the 
bedroom  book,  considering  where  slie  slinuld  jjut  so 
important  a  personage.  "  It  must  Imj  a  good  room — low 
down  too.  Ah,  tliere  was  No.  3, — nice  airy  room,  tliree 
windows,  two  looking  to  the  street,  and  the  other  to  the 
Buttermead  meadowH." 

"  Mary  !  "  exclaimed  she,  ringing  Die  housomaid's  boll, 
and  applying  her  lips  U)  the  ivory-mouthed  coiiiniunicat- 
ing  pijie  in  the  wall. 

"  Mary  I  "  repeated  .she  upwards. 


572  HANDLT5Y   CROSS 

"  Mem  P  "  answered  a  voice  downwarde. 

"  No.  3  ready  ?  "  replied  the  Bloomer  upwards. 

"  Yes,  mem,"  answered  the  voice  downwards. 

"  Put  on  the  pink  toilet-cover,  clean  muslin  curtains, 
and  the  new  coimterpane,  and  I'll  g'ive  you  some  fine 
towels  when  I  come  upstairs,"  said  the  Bloomer. 

"  Yes,  mem,"  replied  the  voice. 

The  Bloomer  then  had  another  look  at  the  letters, 
in  hope  of  inspiration  ;  but  none  coming,  she  took  down 
the  key  of  the  lock-up,  and  proceeded  to  place  them  in 
custody.  Very  conspiciiously  she  arranged  them,  too, 
one  above  the  otlier  in  the  very  centre  of  the  long  gilt- 
wired  box,  keeping  all  the  insignificant  Browns,  Jones, 
and  Robinsons  at  a  respectful  distance  from  them. 
After  taking  a  lingering  look,  she  resumed  her  place  on 
the  sofa,  "  Punch  "  in  hand,  to  watch  the  impression  the 
large  letters  made  upon  the  comers. 

The  first  to  visit  the  gay  scene  on  this  auspicious  day 
wej-e  the  three  Miss  D'Oyleys.  They  generally  accom- 
panied their  brother  to  the  billiard-room,  and  after 
conning  the  fashionable  colinnn  in  the  "  Post."  informing 
themselves  what  was  doing  in  high  life,  they  glanced 
their  lustrous  eyes  through  the  letter-box,  and  then 
proceeded  on  their  travels.  They  were  all  struck  with 
the  important  A.D.C.  letters,  but  made  no  demonstration 
in  the  presence  of  the  Bloomer.  When  they  got  outside, 
however,  it  was  different. 

"  Who  can  Mr.  Heavytree  be  ?  "  "  What's  A.D.C.  ?  " 
exclaimed  Anna  Maria  and  Jane  Sophia  in  the  same 
breath. 

"  Heavytree !  it's  not  Heavytree,"  replied  Miss  D'Oyley, 
who  had  taken  a  more  deliberate  read  than  her  sisters. 

"  Who  is  it  then  ?  "  asked  Anna  Maria. 

"  Heveland,  I  read  it,"  replied  the  elder  sister. 

"  Well,  but  what's  A.D.C.  P  "  asked  Jane  Sophia. 

"  Don't  know,"  replied  Miss  D'Oyley, 

Next  came  Mrs.  and  the  Miss  Bowerbanks.  They 
lived  at  Raspberry  Tart  Lodge,  but  having  seriously 
damaged  a  ten-pound  note  at  the  Turtle  Doves  on  their 
coming,  had  an-anged  with  Timothy,  the  head  waiter,  to 
have  their  letters  directed  to  the  Turtle  Doves,  instead 
of  to  the  less  aristocratic  mansion  they  occupied.  Great 
talk,  too,  it  made  in  the  little  country  town  from  whence 
they  came,  that  they  should  be  sojourning  so  long  at 
such  a  first-rate  hotel,  accompanied  with  the  iisual 
significant  shrugs  and  wishes  that  they  "  mightn't  be 
going  it."     Mrs.  Bowerbank,  however,  not  coming  up  to 


WILLIAM  THE   CONQTJEROB ;  OB,  THE  A.D.C.        573 

the  Bloomer's  idea  of  a  lady— chiefly,  we  believe,  because 
she  gave  her  cast-ofi  clothes  to  the  poor  of  her  village, 
instead  of  to  her  maid— the  Bloomer  just  contented 
herself  ^n-ith  exclaiming  from  the  back  of  "  Punch,"  as 
she  contemplated  the  party  over  the  top,— 

"  Nothing  for  you  to-day,  mem." 

"Oh,  indeed!"  replied  Mrs.  Bowerbank.  who  had 
brought  her  gold-chained  eve-glass  to  bear  on  the  all- 
absorbing  letters:  "William  Heveland,  Esq.,  A.D.C. 
Who  can  he  be,  I  wonder?  On  Her  Majesty's  Service, 
too ;  "  and  thereupon  she  turned  into  the  hall  to  take  up 
tlie  "  Post,"  in  hopes  that  some  one  would  come  in  to 
expound. 

Little  old  Miss  Gaby  followed,  but  being  a  lady  who 
professed  to  be  quite  destitute  of  curiosity,  she  never 
looked  iuto  the  letter-box  while  there  was  any  one  there 
to  see  her;  so  she  immediately  entered  iuto  a  most 
cordial  disquisition  with  Mrs.  Bowerbank  about  the 
■weather,  expressing  the  most  sanguine  hopes  as  to  the 
result,  just  as  if  she  had  three  Imndred  acres  of  wheat, 
and  two  hundred  acres  of  barley,  to  say  nothing  of  green 
crops,  dependent  ujwn  its  caprice,  though  all  the  soil 
she  i)03ses8ed  was  what  she  had  brought  in  on  her  dirty 
thick  shoes. 

The  overpowering  'Mrs.  Flnmmocks,  known  in  the 
matrimonial  market  as  "the  Crusher."  from  the 
summary  way  she  settles  little  gentlemen's  pretensions 
wlio  make  up  to  her  towering  daughters,  then  forced  the 
barrier  of  both  doors,  and  sailed  iuto  the  hall  like  a 
tragedy  fiueen,  leaving  the  folding-doors  floj)i)ing  like 
condor's  wings  behind  her.  Mis.  Flnmmocks  held  her- 
self high,  and  only  vouchsafed  a  gentle  inclination  of  the 
head  to  the  BoweVbanks,  while  she  honoured  Miss  Gaby, 
who  could  in  no  ways  interfere  with  her  daugliters,  with 
the  tips  of  her  fore-fingers.  This  done,  she  sailed 
majestically  i-ound  to  the  letter-box.  and  was  soon  struck 
with  the  imposing-looking  documents  in  Iho  miildle. 

"  '  On  Her  Majesty's  Service. 

"'William  Heveland.  Esq.,  A.D.C.,"' 

read  she.  slowly  and  dcliberat-ely.  "William  Heveland," 
repeated  she.  looking  up.  "Wonder  if  he's  any  relation 
of  the  Hevelands.  of  H»'.vfland  Hall -very  old  friend  of 
our  family's  if  he  is.  Oli,  gor)d  moniing.  Miss  Mend- 
love,"  continued  shf.  addiessing  tlie  Blooinfr.  as  if  she 
now  saw  her  for  the  first  time ;  "good  morning,  Miss 


574  HANDLKY   CROSS 

Mendlove.     Pray  can  yon  tell  me  what  county  this  Mr. 
Heveland.  whose  letters  I  see  in  the  case,  is  from  P  " 

"  Are  there  any  letters  in  the  case  for  that  name  ?  " 
asked  the  Bloomer,  witli  an  air  of  tlie  utmost  innocence, 
for  she  hated  Mrs.  Flummocks,  whose  maid  gave  the 
worst  possible  description  of  her  meanness,  particularly 
in  the  tea-and-sugar  department.  Moreover,  though 
Mrs.  Flummocks  "  Miss  Mendloved  "  her  to  her  face,  she 
knew  that  she  "  young  i)erson'd  "  her  behind  her  back, 
and  laughed  at  her  "  ridiculous  costume,"  as  she  called 
the  Bloomer  attire.  "Are  there  any  letters  in  the  case 
for  that  name  ?  "  replied  the  Bloomer,  in  answer  to  Mrs. 
Flummocks's  inquiry. 

"  Tes,  three,"  i-eplied  Mrs.  Flummocks,  looking  them 
over.     "  Can  j^ou  tell  me  who  he  is  ?  " 

"  No.  mem,  I  can't,"  snapped  the  Bloomer,  returning 
to  her  "  Punch." 

"  What  does  A.D.C.  mean,  Martha  ? "  asked  the 
Crusher,  turning  to  her  eldest  daughter,  who,  Avith  her 
two  strapping  sisters,  had  now  entered  the  hall,  while 
mamma  was  looking  into  the  letter-box,  and  making  her 
attempts  on  the  Bloomer. 

"A.D.C,  A.D.C,"  repeated  the  gigantic  Martha; 
"  I'm  sure  I  don't  know,  mamma.  ABC  one  under- 
stands, but  I  don't  know  what  A.D.C.  means." 

"  It's  on  a  letter— something  Heveland,  Esq.,  A.D.C," 
obsei-ved  the  Crusher,  adjusting  her  front. 

"  Can  it  have  anything  to  do  with  the  Company's 
service  ?  "  suggested  the  second  strapper,  whose  name 
was  Sarah. 

"  Company's  service,"  repeated  the  Ci-usher,  who  had 
had  one  or  two  of  that  bi-eed  of  suitors  through  her 
hands — "Company's  service— no— that  is  H.E.I.C, 
Honourable  East  India  Company,  isn't  it?  " 

"  The  Geograpliical  Society,  perhaps,"  suggested  the 
youngest,  Miss  Margaret,  who,  being  last  from  school, 
might  be  reasonably  supposed  to  have  her  learning 
fresher  than  the  others. 

"  No;  that's  F.R.G.S.,  Fellow  of  the  Royal  Geographical 
Society,"  mouthed  the  eldest,  in  her  usual  knock-nie- 
down  way,  silencing  the  sister,  and  settling  the  disquisi- 
tion. 

The  hall  now  began  to  fill.  Mr.,  Mrs.,  and  three  Miss 
Softeners  came  stealing  in,  and  before  the  door  closed 
on  their  entry,  Mrs.  and  the  Miss  Holloways  followed. 
Then  came  Mr,  Biddle  and  Mr.  Dawes,  Mr.  Dixon  and 
Miss  Hat,  Mr.  Rap  and  Master  Paine,  Mr.  Slade  and 


WILLIAM   THE   CONQUEROR;   OR,   THE   A.D.C.        575 

Miss  Comer.  Mrs.  Corner  following^  judiciously  with  old 
Mrs.  Fisk,  whom  she  had  assisted  last  year  to  capture 
the  slippery  Mr.  Prance.  Ladies,  however  much  they 
may  dislike  each  other,  and  which,  by-the-bye,  they 
almost  all  do,  will  always  combine  to  catch  a  man.  They 
don't  know  how  soon  they  may  require  similar  assistance 
themselves.     That,  however,  by  way  of  parenthesis. 

Well,  as  the  hall  filled,  the  box  was  visited,  and  fresh 
inquiries  arose  what  A.D.C.  meant.  "  What  does  A.D.C. 
mean  ?  "  superseded  the  state  of  the  weather,  or  ''  What 
do  you  hear  of  the  war  ?  "  One  said  it  meant  one  thing, 
another  another,  but  each  fresh  sugj^estion  was  disposed 
of  almost  as  quickly  as  it  was  made.  At  lengrth.  as 
inpfenuity  was  about  exhausted,  a  cockaded  footman,  in  a 
coat  of  many  colours,  was  seen  manoeuvring  a  garden 
chair  outside,  and  a  rush  being  made  to  either  folding- 
door,  the  great  Major-General  Sir  Thomas  Trout  was 
wheeled  into  the  hall.  The  usual  salutations  over,  and 
inquiries  made  as  to  the  state  of  his  dear  hand,  and  his 
dear  arm,  and  his  dear  foot,  and  so  on,  the  question  was 
soon  put, — 

"  What  does  A.D.C.  mean.  Sir  Thomas  ?  " 

"  A.D.C,"  replied  he,  with  a  mingled  smile  of  pity 
and  contempt — "  A.D.C.  Why,  don't  you  know  ?  Aide- 
de-camp,  to  be  sure — what  I  was  to  my  Lord  Bullywell." 

'■  Oh,  to  be  sure ! "  exclaimed  half-a-dozen  voices;  "how 
stoopid  not  to  know  it !  Aide-de-camp,  to  be  sure  !  so 
it  is." 

"Why  do  you  ask.""  inquii'ed  the  great  man,  as  the 
exclamations  subsided. 

"Oh!  only  thei'e  are  some  letters  directed  so  to  a 
gentleman  here,  or  coming  here." 

" Indeed!'' replied  the  major-general,  raising  his  eye- 
Ijrows;  adding,  "  I  have  no  information  on  the  subject." 

Just  as  if  no  military  man  had  any  business  at  Handley 
Cross  withr)ut  consulting  liiiii. 

"Indeed!"  repeated  Sir  Thomas.    "What's  his  name?" 

"Heveland,  Sir  Thomas,"  rejilied  the  Crusher.'who  was 
very  ambitious  of  the  trreat  iiian'x  notice  ;  indeed,  at  one 
time,  fancied  she  was  to  be  Lady  Tiout. 

"Heveland  —  Heveland  —  Heveland,"  repeated  Sir 
Thomas.  "  Know  the  name — know  the  name  ;  "  adding 
to  his  coach-horse  footnuin,  "Jeremiah,  tell  Miss  Mend- 
love  I  want  toHj)eak  to  her." 

"Yes,  Sir  TlioiiiaH,"  rfjiiied  .Tcreiiiiiili,  touching  his 
hat  most  o)m''f|iiifiu:-(ly,  and  movinf^  away  to  inform  the 
Bloomer  through  the  window. 


576  HANDLEY   CROSS 

This  broupbt  tlie  fair  lady,  in  her  silver-buttoned 
light-blue  silk  vest,  with  a  flowing  jacket  of  a  darker  blue 
above  a  lavender-coloured  tunic  and  white  trousers, 
fingering?  her  cambric  collarette  and  crimson  silk  necktie 
above  her  richly-figured  shirt,  with  mock-diamond 
buttons  scattered  freely  down  the  front. 

"Good  morning,  Miss  Constantia."  exclaimed  the  old 
knight,  gaily.  "  Good  morning,  Miss  Constantia.  So 
you've  got  an  aide-de-camp  here,  have  you  ?  No  wonder 
you're  so  smart,"  added  he.  looking  her  over. 

"  A  what.  Sir  Thomas  ? "  asked  the  Bloomei*,  not 
exactly  catching  what  he  said. 

"Ah,  you  know,  you  naughty  one!"  exclaimed  the 
major-general,  archly;  adding,  "Tell  me,  my  dear,  is  Mr. 
Heveland  at  home  ?  " 

"  He's  not  come  yet.  Sir  Thomas,"  replied  the  fair  lady, 
now  putting  that  and  that  together,  and  reckoning  she 
had  done  well  to  order  the  best  bedroom  to  be  got  ready. 

"Not  come  yet!''  replied  Sir  Thomas.  "Not  come 
yet !  "  adding,  after  a  pause,  "  Well,  I  must  notice  him — 
I  must  notice  him.  Tell  him  when  he  comes,  that  Major- 
General  Sir  Thomas  Trout  hns  called  upon  him^ — or  stay," 
added  he,  "  Jeremiah,"  appealing  again  to  the  coacli- 
horse  footman,  "  give  Miss  Constantia  a  card  out  of  my 
case."  Whereupon  Jeremiah  dived  into  the  pocket  of 
the  coat  of  many  colours,  and  fishing  up  the  mother-of- 
I^earl  card-case,  handed  the  all-important  pasteboard  to 
the  Bloomer,  who  placed  it  above  the  "  A.D.C."  letters  in 
the  box. 

Sir  Thomas's  card  clenched  the  business.  There  was 
no  further  speculation  or  inquiry  as  to  who  or  what  the 
stranger  was.  The  thing  now  was  to  get  a  sight  of  the 
great  A.D.C.  In  this  our  friends  were  doomed  to  a  good 
deal  of  tantalization ;  for,  though  the  next  day  brought 
two  more  letters  "  On  Her  Majesty's  Service,"  and 
several  others  sealed  with  crests  and  many-quartered 
coats  of  arms,  all  of  which  wei'e  duly  paraded  in  the 
letter-cage,  yet  neither  the  Bloomer  nor  any  one  about 
the  place  could  give  any  information  as  to  the  man 
himself.  Sir  Thomas  Trout  shook  his  head  mysteriously 
when  appealed  to,  and  said  he  was  "  not  at  liberty  to 
mention" — a  course  the  knight  generally  adopted  when 
he  wanted  to  conceal  his  ignorance. 

Great  excitement  was  the  consequence;  the  title 
*'  aide-de-camp  "  rei)resenting  to  most  minds  a  dashing 
young  officer,  full  of  giggle  and  conversation,  with  a 
great  aptitude  for  love-making,  dancing,  and  singing. 


r. 


ll 


'*#►■ 


T?i^T^^ 


i. 


^" 


1^ 


WILLIAM  THE   CONQUEROR  ;  OR,   THE   A.D.C.  577 

We  don't  know  bow  many  youn^  ladies  were  set  out  for 
him  ;  half  the  town,  in  short ;  for  women  like  playing  at 
appropriation,  let  the  chance  of  success  be  ever  so 
remote.  It  is  their  castle-building?  in  the  air,  in 
fact. 

However,  time  and  the  hour  against  the  longest  day, 
and  excitement  like  other  things  comes  to  an  end. 

The  shades  of  evening  were  drawing  on,  lady  parties 
were  settling  to  their  tea,  and  gentlemen  to  their  wine, 
when  the  tip-tupping  tramp  of  a  horse's  hoofs  drew  all 
eyes  to  the  street,  and  a  d^shabilleishly  dressed  gentle- 
man, looking  like  a  man  going  to  bathe  or  shoot  wild 
ducks,  was  seen  cantering  in  an  easy  toe-in-the-stirrup 
way,  with  a  slack  rein  and  a  smart  silver-mounted  whip 
under  his  arm.  It  struck  almost  everybody  who  saw 
him  that  it  was  the  A.D.C.  Nor  were  they  wrong  in 
their  conjecture,  for  pulling  up  at  the  door  of  the 
Turtle  Doves  Hotel,  he  threw  himself  carelessly  off  the 
half  cover-hack,  half  shooting-pony's  back,  and  leaving 
it  to  stand  by  itself,  swung  into  the  hall  with  a  noisy 
flourish. 

"Any  letters  for  me  P  (haw),"  exclaimed  he,  in  a 
throaty,  consequential  sort  of  way — "  any  letters  for 
mei'  (haw),"  cracking  his  whip  jockeywise  down  his 
very  loud-striped  brown  trousers'  side,  as  he  straddled 
to  the  still  open  window. 

"Oh,  yes,  sir!"  exclaimed  the  beautiful  Bloomer,  not 
behind  the  rest  in  sagacity— "oh,  yes,  sii — a  great  many, 
sir,"  continued  slie,  unlocking  the  caL'e,  gathering 
together  all  the  documents,  great  and  small,  and  i>hicing 
them  in  his  hand. 

"  Haw  1  "  continued  he,  pompously,  from  his  tlu-oat, 
as  ho  fioi-ted  them  like  a  liaixl  at  cards,  jjlacing  "Her 
Majesty's  Service"  ones  unopctned  in  the  little  outside 
pockets  of  his  (|neer  pepi)er-and-salt-coloured  jacket, 
along  with  Sir  Thomas  Trout's  card,  and  tearing  oj)en 
the  seals  of  those  he  was  not  iui(iuaint(!d  with,  scattering 
the  crumpled  envelopes  freely  about  the  floor.  "  Haw  !  " 
repeated  he  again,  having  mastered  their  ccmtents. 
"Now,"  continued  he.  feeling  his  sky-blue  arid  tie, 
"send  the  (haw)  ostler  to  take  moy  (haw)  hack,  and 
order  me  a  (haw)  bedroom  with  a  (haw)  sittiug-room 
adjoining,  or  near  at  hand  (haw) ;  and  let  nie  liave 
some  (haw)  dinner.  What  (haw)  soup  have  you  P 
(haw),"  jjulling  away  at  his  painted  gills  as  he  snoke. 

"  I'm  afraid  we've  no  haie  soup,  sir,"  replied  the 
Bloomer,  modestly. 

"•  I' 


578  HANDLKT   CKOSS 

"  (Haw)  I  don't  mean  haw  soup — but  what  (haw) 
soup  liave  ye?"  said  he.  fumblinp:  at  his  shirt  front. 

The  Bloomer  then,  better  comprehending  his  dialect, 
recited  the  usual  inn  varieties— giblet,  ox-tail,  mulli- 
gatawny, and  so  on ;  and  the  great  man.  having  chosen 
ox-tail  with  a  sole,  and  a  rump-steak  with  oyster-sauce 
to  follow,  swaggered  across  the  hall,  and  up  the  light 
corkscrew  staircase  after  the  waiter,  to  inspect  his 
rooms  and  prepare  for  the  repast. 

"  (Haw)  that  will  do  (haw),"  said  he,  glancing  at  the 
dimensions  and  furniture  of  the  Mitre ;  adding,  "  Now 
let  me  see  the  (haw)  bedroom  (haw)." 

That  he  also  said  would  "  do,"  but  he  said  it  as  if  it 
was  not  the  sort  of  thing  he  was  accustomed  to;  but 
having  made  up  his  mind  to  put  up  with  it,  he  forth- 
with proceeded  to  impack  himself.  From  his  drab  felt 
wide-awake  he  drew  out  half  a  quire  of  clean  dickeys 
and  a  front;  from  the  breast-pocket  of  his  jacket  he 
produced  three  ]3air  of  socks,  a  razor,  a  toothbrush,  and 
a  comb;  while  out  of  the  back  pockets  came  a  shirt, 
a  dark-bhie  Joinville,  some  pocket-handkerchiefs,  no 
end  of  letters  and  papers,  Avith  a  cigar-case  and  a  case 
of  instruments.  Having  deposited  the  clothes  and 
di-essing  tilings  on  the  table,  he  bundled  the  letters, 
papers,  and  cases  back  into  his  pockets,  and  finding 
that  dinner  would  not  be  ready  for  half  an  hour,  de- 
scended to  make  the  better  acquaintance  of  the 
Bloomer,  whose  appearance  had  struck  him  gi'eatly 
as  he  entered,  and  in  whose  agreeable  society  he  spent 
the  greater  part  of  the  evening.  Our  business  at 
present,  however,  is  more  Avith  his  out-of-door  conquests, 
and  to  them  we  will  now  devote  our  attention. 

The  "  A.D.C."  letters  appended  to  his  name  coupled 
with  the  extreme  commonness,  not  to  say  vulgarity,  of 
our  present  style  of  morning  dress,  caused  what  in  other 
days  would  have  been  thought  "queer"  to  be  over- 
looked, or  attributed  to  fashion  or  the  whim  of  travelling 
incognito.  Military  men.  like  making  "  guys  "  of  them- 
selves out  of  harness,  some  said ;  others  made  no  doubt 
he  would  be  a  great  swell  in  the  evening.  Great  were 
the  hopes  entertained  for  the  morrow.  Here,  however, 
our  friends  were  doomed  to  disapijointment,  for  our 
hero  studiously  kept  to  his  room ;  nor  could  all  the 
giggle  and  chatter  of  high  'Change,  or  the  imj^ortant 
rumVjling  of  Sir  Thomas's  wheels,  or  the  audible  tone 
in  which  the  great  man  inquired  if  the  Bloomer  had 
given  Mr.  He  vela  nd    his  card,    induce    him    to    show 


WILLIAM  THE   CONQUEROR  ;   OR,   THE   A.D.C.  579 

hiuiself.  Sir  Thomas,  indeed,  looked  rather  discon- 
certed when,  in  reply  to  his  inquiry  what  the  A.D.C. 
said  when  she  grave  him  it.  the  Bloomer  replied  that  "  he 
just  put  it  in  his  pocket."'  Sir  Thomas  had  hoped  lie 
would  have  made  such  a  demonstration  of  gratitude  as, 
when  told,  would  have  enhanced  Sir  Thomas's  conse- 
quence in  the  eyes  of  the  company. 

Nor  could  Timothy,  the  waiter — a  genius  possessed 
of  all  the  easy  inquisitive  impudence  of  the  brotherhood 
— throw  any  light  upon  our  friend's  movements,  beyond 
that  he  seemed  very  busy,  whenever  he  went  into  the 
room,  with  compasses  and  pencils  and  tracing-paper, 
which  being  communicated  from  one  person  to  another, 
at  length  resolved  itself  into  a  very  plausible  story — 
namely,  that  he  was  aide-de-camp  to  the  inspector- 
general  of  fortifications,  down  on  a  secret  mission  from 
the  government  in  connection  with  the  war.  Some 
said  the  iusjjector-general  was  coming  too.  This  idea 
seemed  to  receive  confirmation  from  Sir  Thomas  Trout, 
who,  being  questioned  about  it,  replied,  with  a  solemn 
shake  of  the  head,  that  he  was  "not  at  liberty  to 
meuticm."  The  interest  greatly  increased  with  the 
mystery.    It  became  all-absorbing. 

Next  day  brought  partial  relief.  Towards  noon  the 
great  man  was  seen  sauntering  along,  cigar  in  mouth, 
staring  idly  at  horses  and  carriages,  and  into  shop- 
windows,  giving  Ijoth  ladies  and  gentlemen  ample 
opportunity  of  looking  him  over — a  privilege  that  he 
seemed  etiualiy  disposed  to  jjartake  of  himself. 

We  may  candiiily  admit  that  there  was  a  difference 
of  opinion  with  regard  to  his  looks ;  but  what  young 
gentleiuan  ever  apjjeared  on  the  stage  of  puljlic  life 
without  raising  adverse  ojjinions  as  to  his  appearance  H 
It  does  not,  however,  follow,  that  because  young  ladies 
proclaim  a  man  a  friglit,  an  object,  a  horror,  or  any- 
thing of  tliat  sort,  that  they  really  think  so.  They  have 
a  useful  way  of  running  jiuiu  down,  in  hopes  of  pre- 
venting each  other  from  entering  for  them ;  a  trick 
that  we  slionld  think  tiiey  are  all  too  well  up  in,  ever 
to  impose  on  each  other  v.itli. 

Ah  praise,  liowever,  is  always  more  agreeable  to  a 
well-disposed  Bramah  pen  than  censure,  we  may 
commence  by  stating  that  both  tlie  Miss  Sheepshanks 
and  their  mamma  thought  our  friend  vtiry  handsome. 
They  aduiired  the  rich  jet  bhiek  luxinijiiice  of  ids  hair, 
also  tlie  stiff  inward  curl  of  his  rcgnlar  all-iound-the- 
chin  whiskers,  above  all,  his  beautiful  Ijilly-gout  iuiperial. 


580  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Their  sao'acious  eyes,  too,  saw  in  the  deep-bhie  outline 
of  his  up])er  lip  evidence  of  his  self-denial  in  not 
growing  the  now  degraded  shop-lad  apjjendafje  of  a 
moustache.  Altogether  they  thought  him  very,  very 
handsome;  and  miss  it  was  who  christened  him  "the 
Conqueror ! " 

The  Miss  Trypperleys,  too,  thought  him  good-looking 
— rather  more  colour,  perhaps,  than  was  strictly  aris- 
tocratic, biit  that  looked  as  if  he  kept  better  hours  than 
the  generality  of  young  men,  and  as  if  that  "  nasty 
smoking"  didn't  disagree  with  him  as  it  did  with  many. 

The  Miss  D'Oyleys  thought  he  would  have  been 
better  if  he  had  been  a  little  taller,  though,  to  be  sure, 
he  would  look  different  in  uniform ;  and  wondered 
whether  he  was  in  the  lights  or  the  heavies,  or  the 
artillery  or  what.  The  Miss  Bowerbanks,  too,  liked 
his  looks;  and  the  Softeners  were  as  enamoured  of  him 
as  the  Sheepshanks.  Mrs.  Flummocks  passed  no 
opinion  iu  public,  priding  herself  npon  her  discretion ; 
she.  however,  thought  well  of  him  in  private.  The 
Miss  Sowerbys  (oldish)  couldn't  bear  him  ;  they  thought 
they  never  saw  such  a  great,  staring,  impudent,  vulgar- 
looking  fellow,  and  only  wished  they  had  a  brother  to 
horsewhip  him ;  while  the  poor  Conquei'or  had  never 
looked  at  either  of  them.  He  furnished  abundant  con- 
versation for  the  town  that  day. 

Meanwhile,  A.D.C.  letters  poured  in  apace;  not  a 
post  arrived  but  some  came,  either  "  On  Her  Majesty's 
Service,"  or  in  the  smaller  form  used  by  ordinary 
mortals  ;  and  the  importance  of  the  Conqueror's  mission 
swelled  with  the  exclusiveness  of  his  retirement.  Though 
many  ]jeople  called,  all  anxious  for  an  interview,  the 
unvai-ying  answer  was,  *'  Not  at  home,"  though  the 
waiter,  on  his  cross-examination,  could  not  but  admit 
that  our  friend  was  upstairs.  Indeed,  we  may  observe 
that  the  A.D.C.  had  com])letely  overpov.-ered  the  other- 
wise communicative  waiter's  loquacity,  and  from  having 
nothing  to  tell  he  assumed  a  sort  of  mysterious  gravity 
that  greatly  assisted  the  A.D.C  interest.  The  Con- 
queror was  so  throaty  and  important,  so  peremptory  in 
his  orders,  so  stern  in  his  censures,  that  Timothy,  who 
is  rather  free  and  easy,  given  to  the  persiflage  of 
matrimony,  pretending  to  get  heiresses  for  young 
gentlemen,  and  so  on,  stood  awed  in  his  presence,  and 
bowed  lowly  and  reverentially  before  him.  Moreover, 
as  Timothy  afterwards  said,  he  was  satisfied  the  Con- 
queror was  a  gent,  because  he  always  took  a  glass  of 


i 


WILLIAM   THE   CONQUEROR  ;   OE.   THE   A.D.C.  581 

sheiTj  before  he  began  his  port  after  dinner.  But 
though  the  Conqueror  evidently  did  not  court— nay, 
rather  seemed  to  avoid  society,  he  was  not  above  con- 
forming to  the  ordinary  rules  that  regulate  its  dealings ; 
and  having  got  the  fair  Bloomer  to  sort  his  callers' 
cards,  and  tell  him  where  each  lived,  so  that  he  might 
not  go  over  the  same  ground  twice,  he  shot  meteor-like 
through  the  place,  knocking  at  this  door,  ringing  at 
that,  putting  in  his  pasteboard.  "  Mr.  William  Heve- 
land,  A.D.C.,'"  but  firmly  resisting  all  the  reiterated 
assurances  of  both  Johns  and  Janes  that  their  mis- 
tresses or  the  young  ladies  were  at  home. 

"  Dear  me.  Mary !  "  exclaimed  the  Crusher,  taking 
the  card  off  the  silver  salver  on  which  it  was  brought 
up,  "  how  stooijid  !    Didn't  I  tell  you  we  were  at  home  !  " 

"  Please,  mum,  the  gen'i'man  didn't  ask  ;  "  or  "  Please, 
mum,  I  told  him  so,  and  he  just  gave  me  that." 

"  Oh  !  don"t  tell  me  1  It's  one  of  your  stoopid  mistakes ; 
you  are  tlie  stoopidest  girl  I  ever  saw  in  my  life." 

Nor  did  the  Conqueror  make  any  exception  in  favour 
of  the  great  Sir  Thomas  Trout,  thougli  the  man  of  the 
coat  of  many  colours  insisted  that  his  master  was  at 
home  to  him— as  if  a  special  exception  had  been  made 
in  his  favour. 

"  Then,  give  him  that,"  said  the  Conqueror,  pre- 
senting his  card,  and  blowing  a  great  cloud  of  smolce 
right  past  the  man's  face  into  the  anti-tobacconist 
major-general's  very  entrance-hall. 

This  disgusted  the  great  man.  The  ladies,  however, 
are  not  so  easily  put  off  a  scent  as  the  men,  and  the  pre- 
liminaries to  an  acquaintance  being  now  accomplished, 
they  proceeded  to  clench  it  with  invitations  to  dine. 
Cards  came  pouring  in  fi-om  all  (piarters.  some  in 
envelopes,  some  ojjen,  some  printdl.  some  written,  some 
embossed,  some  ]jlain,  rcfjuesting  tlie  honour  of  Mi-. 
William  Heveland's  company  to  dinner  on  Mimday  the 
lOtli,  or  Tuesday  the  Ilth.or  Wednesday  the  12tli,  just 
as  tiieir  larders  or  previous  engagements  favoured  the 
sjieculation. 

The  Crusher,  thinking  to  steal  a  niaroli  on  ti)e  i-est, 
drew  a  short  hill  ii|)on  him  for  a  tea.  which  the  Bloomer, 
who  liad  firmly  estaldi.shed  herself  in  the  A.D.C. 's  con- 
fidtmre.  liail  groat  jdcasure  in  recommending  him  to  jmt 
in  the  tir(^  which  lie  did  accordingly.  The  rest,  of  the 
cards  he  just  hnndled  int^)  his  <|ueer  jacket-jiocket.  to 
answer  at  his  Icinnie. 

One  great    lx;auty  of    llandley  f'ross     indeed,  of  all 


582  HANDLEY   CROSS 

small  idle  places  is,  that  everybody  knows  what  yon  avo 
about.  It  isn't  like  London,  where  you  may  die  and  be 
bnried  without  your  next-door  neig'hbour  beinpr  any  the 
wiser ;  biit  at  a  waterinsf-place,  all  your  in-comintys  and 
out-goings  are  watched  and  accurately  noted — where  you 
dine,  who  there  is  to  meet  you — nay,  what  you  have  for 
dinnei — and  you  feel  as  if  you  didn't  stand  quite  alone 
in  the  world. 

Some  people — generally  those  who  take  plenty  of  time 
themselves — are  often  desperately  anxious  to  get  answers 
to  their  invitations,  and  wonder  others  don't  answer — so 
idle  not  answering— what  can  they  be  about  they  don't 
answer ;  and  so  it  was  on  the  present  occasion.  Our 
friend,  not  intending  to  accept  of  any  of  the  invitations, 
just  let  them  remain  in  his  jacket-pocket,  along  with 
■■  Her  Majesty's  "  and  other  letters,  until  it  suited  his 
convenience  to  have  a  general  clearance;  and  as  cards 
and  crested  notes  still  kept  dropping  in,  he  kept  putting 
off  and  putting  off  till  he  had  all  the  senders  in  a  state 
of  excitement.  Great  were  the  gatherings  in  the  hall  of 
the  Turtle  Doves,  and  numerous  the  whispering  inquiries 
that  were  made  of  the  Bloomer,  if  there  Avas  anything 
for  Mrs.  Softener  or  Mrs.  Sheepshanks,  or  Mrs.  Bower- 
bank;  and  then  if  the  Bloomer  was  quite  sure  Mr.  Heve- 
land  had  got  a  certain  card  or  a  certain  note,  or  whatever 
it  was.  Little  satisfaction,  however,  was  to  be  obtained 
from  the  Bloomer,  who  seemed  rather  to  take  pleasui'e 
in  their  mortification,  and  in  increasing  the  mystery  that 
enveloped  our  hero. 

All  things,  however,  must  have  an  end  :  and  on  the 
fifth  day,  as  the  crowd  was  at  the  greatest,  the_  Major- 
General  Sir  Thomas  Trout  was  indulging  in  his  usual 
ominous  shakes  of  the  head,  and  "  not-at-liberties-to- 
mention,"  a  stentorian  voice,  proceeding  from  a  dirty 
dog-cart,  with  the  name,  "  John  Gollarpield, 
Farmer,  Hardpye  Hill,"'  painted  in  honest  legible 
letters  behind,  was  heard  roaring, — 

"  Timothy  !  Timothy  !  Timothy  ! "  drawing  all  eyes 
to  the  vehicle. 

In  it  was  seated  a  little  round-about  red-faced  man, 
whose  figure  might  have  been  drawn  v>'ith  a  box  of  wafers 
— a  red  wafer  for  the  face,  a  brown  one  for  the  body, 
four  drab  ones  for  legs,  and  so  on  :  the  little  man  being 
then  in  a  terrible  state  of  perturbation,  appearing  as  well 
by  the  red  wafer  as  by  the  white  lather  in  which  he  had 
brought  his  rough-headed,  curly-coated  brown  horse. 
Timothy  at  length  appearing,  napkin,  or  rather  duster. 


WILLIAM   THE   CONQUEROR  ;   OR,   THE   A.D.C.  583 

in  hand,  tlie  man  of  the  dog-oavt  thus  addressed  him, 
speaking  as  before  at  the  top  of  his  voice, — 
"  Is  Mr.  Heavyland  in  ?  " 

"  Heavyland,  Heavyland."  repeated  Timothy,  quickly  : 
"  no  such  gen'l'man  here,  sir." 

"  Oh,  yes,  there  i.=!,"  roared  the  voice,  confidently. 
"There's  a  Mr.  Heveland  here,  sir— a  Mr.  Heveland, 
sir— aide-de-camp     to     the     Ri|?ht     Honourable     the 
Inspector-deneral  of  Fortifications,"  tbinkiu<?  to  flal)- 
bergaster  (jroUarfield  with  his  greatness. 

"No!  no!"  roared  the  little  man,  peevishly,  "it's 
Heavyland  I  want.  I  know  he's  here.  Had  a  letter 
from  him  yesterday,  sayin'  he'd  be  at  my  place.  Hardj^ye 
Hill,  at  ten  o'clock  this  mornin',  and  he's  never  come." 

It  then  struck  Timothy  that  he  had  posted  a  letter 
headed  "  On  Her  Majesty's  Service,"  for  Mr.  Gollarfield, 
Hardpye  Hill;  and  he  began  to  think  whether  Heavy- 
land  and  Heveland  could  be  one  and  the  same  person. 

"  What  'un  a  lookin'  gen'l'man  is  he,  please,  sir  ?  " 
asked  Timothy. 

"  Oh,  a  queer  black-and-red-lookin'  beggai — all  teeth 
and  hair,  like  a  rat-catcher's  dog,"  replied  Gollarfield, 
shaking  with  vexation. 

"What  is  he,  sir,  please,  sir?"  asked  Timothy. 
"An  Assistant  Drainage  Commissioner!"  roared 
Gollarfield.  "Puts  A. DC.  on  his  cards,  like  an  ass  as 
lie  is.  Promised  to  be  at  my  house,  Hardiiye  Hill,  at  ten 
this  moiTiin',  to  pass  my  drains,  and  he's  never  come ;  " 
adding,  "  if  he  thinks  to  get  three  guineas  onto'  me,  he's 
deucedlv  mistaken." 

If  a  hand-grenade  had  fallen  among  the  assembled 
company,  it  could  not  have  caused  greater  coiistornation 
tlian  tliis  proclamation.  Tliere  was  such  shrugging  of 
Bhonldei-s,  sucli  V»atings  of  lu-eath,  sncli  frowning  from 
those  who  liad  invited  our  friend,  and  such  giggling  and 
laughing  from  tiiose  who  had  not;  while  the  unfortunate 
Conrpieroi-,  who  now  came  l)OMnding  downstairs  three 
steps  at  a  time  to  appease  the  choleric  ( Jolhirheld.  was 
regarded  with  very  ditTcrent  eyes  to  what  ho  had  iieen 
before.  However,  tlicre  was  no  iiarin  done;  for.  on  re- 
tuiTiing  from  Mr.  Collai-field'H,  who  now  carried  him  off 
in  his  dogcart,  lie  placed  his  invitations  in  llio  hands 
of  the  Bioomfr,  wlio  set  all  mimlH  at  rest  by  politely 
declining  the  whole  of  tliem. 

And  our  fair  friends  at  llandley  Cross  speedily  relap.sed 
into  tlieir  former  state  of  anxious  r-xcitcnu-nt.  ready  to  be 
hoaxed  by  anybody  who  wf)U  id  Vjeat  the  trouble  of  doing  it. 


CHAPTER  LXIII 

MR.     JORROCKS'S     DRAFT 

LTHOUGH  we  have  hitherto 
refrained  from  mention- 
ing' it,  such  mishaps  pro- 
cnrinj?  little  sj'mpathy, 
^N  Mr.  Jorrocks's  hounds 
were  not  quite  so  steady- 
as  they  might  be,  and 
sundry  sheep  had  been 
laid  to  their  charge 
during  the  season,  with 
more  or  less  appearance 
of  probability.  To  be 
sure,  most  of  these  accu- 
sations Mr.  Jorrocks  had 
combated  successfully, 
vowing  that  it  was 
"downrightly  ridicklous 
to  chai'ge  his  'ounds  wi' 
nothin'  o'  the  soi-t ;  that 
they  wouldn't  look  at 
ship, let  alone  touch  'em;"  an  assertion  that  Pigg  always 
backed  by  declaring  his  readiness  to  fight  anybody  who 
doubted  it.  As,  luckily,  the  hounds  had  never  been 
caught,  by  the  owners  of  the  sheep  at  least,  flagrante 
delk-to,  with  the  mutton  in  their  mouths,  our  Master  es- 
caped the  inconvenient  responsibility  of  paying  for  them. 
On  the  memorable  "  old  customer  "  morning,  however, 
as  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  making  all  sail  round  the  road  by 
the  green  fields  of  Primrose  Side  Hill,  hitting  and  hold- 
ing, and  grinning  and  scolding  as  usual,  what  should  he 
see  but  his  skirting  friends,  Limner  and  Sultan — some  of 
the  Bugginson  lot— nip  up  a  young  lamb  and  pass  on  as 
if  nothing  particular  had  happened,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
aphorism  being,  as  he  told  Ego,  "'andsome  is  wot 
'andsome  does,"  he  determined  not  to  keep  such  dainty 
customers,  who  wanted  to  have  lamb  before  their  master. 
Lightning  and  Bluebell,  too,  presently  deviated  after  a 
hare,  not  an  unusual  occurrence  with  either  of  them, 


MR.   JORROCKS'S   DRAFT  585 

Lightning  having  once  led  off  the  pack  at  a  very  critical 
cold-scenting  moment  of  the  chase,  when  it  required  the 
united  experience  of  master  and  man  to  keep  the  i^ack 
on  the  line  of  the  fox  over  Sandyfield  Moor. 

These  and  similar  mishaps  set  Mr.  Jorrocks  a-thinking, 
after  the  enthusiasni  of  the  victory  was  over,  whether 
there  weren't  others  that  he  would  be  as  well  without, 
and  considering  that  there  were  many  mere  "  show 
partners,"  as  he  called  them,  hounds  that  did  little  or 
notliing  in  the  way  eithei"  of  finding  or  trouncing  a  fox, 
and  that  meal  was  werry  dear  and  tlesh  scarce,  he  deter- 
mined to  rid  himself  of  some  of  the  sleeping  partners  of 
the  chase. 

Ranter  was  a  resolute,  headstrong  brute,  all  very  well 
on  a  good  scenting  day,  but  a  hound  that  a  man  might 
holloa  and  roar  at  till  he  was  hoarse,  if  there  was  an 
unjumpable  wall  or  impossible  ravine  between  them. 
He  used  to  treat  Ben's  "Ra-ntevl  Han fer !  Ranter!" 
with  the  most  marked  contempt. 

Resolute,  a  very  handsome,  rich-coloui'ed  hound,  with 
as  good  legs,  loins,  depth  of  chest,  and  general  points  as 
eye  could  desire,  ran  mute,  and  would  go  away  at  score 
with  a  scent,  leaving  the  pack  to  hunt  him  and  the  fox 
as  Ijest  they  could.  Mr.  JoiTOcks,  who  was  well  up  to 
his  tricks,  had  often  vowed  " hed  'ang  'im  when  lie  got 
'ome,"  but  had  always  relented  when  he  came  to  see  'ow 
'andsome  he  looked  on  tlie  flags,  and  felt  his  coaxing 
winning  ways.  Resolute,  indeed,  was  Joriocks's  model 
hound.  "  Take  his  "ead  atween  your  knees,"  he  used  to 
say  to  judges,  or  would-be  judges,  who  came  to  while 
away  an  hour  in  tlie  kennel ;  "  take  his  'ead  atween  your 
knees,  and  see  tlie  width  of  his  ribs  be'ind  the  shoulders. 
Now  staud  sideways,"  he  would  exclaim,  "and  look  at 
his  legs-  see 'ow  straight  tlieyare!  straight  as  harrows!" 
Indeed,  Resolute  had  but  one  fault,  though  that  was 
undoubtedly  a  great  one— running  niut<?.  Jorrocks  had 
consulted  Pigg  al^out  sjilitting  Kesolute's  tongue  with  a 
sixnence,  to  try  to  make  him  musical,  just  as  boys  try  to 
make  their  magpies  talk  by  a  similar  ex])edi<'nt. 

Clamorous  was  a  dwciicr,  and  iiisistfiii  u])()n  throwing 
his  tf)i)^ne  and  hunting  every  yard  of  the  line,  though 
his  comrades  might  be  fields  bef'ijrc  him  with  the  scent. 
He  was  a  crooked-legged,  llat-sided,  loose-Joined  beggar, 
that  Jonocks  had  made  sumlry  inefTfotual  attfinpts  to 
get  rid  of  by  riding  over.  Tiicn  liiniiifr  and  .Snllan  had 
rathf-r  C()rni|)t*'d  (ho  good  niainn'irt  of  some  ntlicrs;  a 
skirting  hound,  likf-  a  skiifing  rider.  Iieing  always  sure 


586  HANDLEY  CROSS 

to  have  a  ftood  many  followers  ;  and  altogether  Jorvocks 
decided  that  there  were  five  or  six  couple  he  would  be 
just  as  well  shot  of. 

These,  of  course,  came  to  Mr.  Pigg,  who  received  them 
under  the  injunction  that  he  was  to  jjet  rid  of  thera  as 
soon  as  possible,  and  James  "kennin'  a  chap,"  as  he  said, 
"  whe  had  jist  sich  another  lot,"  the  two  laid  their  heads 
together,  and  advertised  them  in  the  sporting  papers  as 
a  very  superior  lot  of  hounds,  x^arted  with  solely  on  account 
of  the  owner  reducing  his  establishment,  and  well  worthy 
the  attention  of  anyone  wanting  hounds,  as  they  were 
not  drafts,  but  hounds  that  had  been  regularly  hunted 
together,  and  were  some  of  the  best  blood  in  England. 

Now  it  so  happened  that  young  Mr.  Barege,  son  of 
the  late  head  of  the  firm  Barege,  Tissue,  and  Caps, 
whom  some  of  our  fair  readers  will  perhai)s  remember 
occui3ying  the  beautiful  plate-glassed  premises,  Nos.  21, 
22,  and  23,  Threadneedle  Street;  either  fired  with  noble 
emulation  of  Mr.  Jorrocks,  or  of  his  own  proper 
accord,  thinking  perhaps  to  advance  himself  in  society, 
had  taken  the  Gambado  country,  vacant  by  the  retire- 
ment of  Mr.  Slack,  and,  with  all  the  generous  ignorance 
of  a  beginner,  as  soon  as  ever  he  read  the  advertisement, 
he  thought  it  was  the  very  thing  for  him  ;  so  filling  his 
porte-mojinaie  full  of  five-pound  notes,  he  railed  down  to 
Handley  Cross,  in  a  desperate  stew  lest  anyone  should 
be  there  before  him.  Arrived  at  his  destination,  he 
made  straight  for  the  kennel,  expecting  to  find  at  least 
half-a-dozen  M.F.H.'s  wrangling  for  the  lot. 

Mr.  Pigg,  having  taken  his  usual  drain,  his  custom 
always  of  an  afternoon,  was  about  half-seas  over  when 
his  mincing,  dandified,  clean-stepping  custoTuer  came ; 
and  thinking  it  was  just  one  of  the  idle,  watering-place 
set,  come  to  do  the  knowing  among  the  hounds,  he  was 
not  disposed  to  give  himself  much  trouble ;  a  tack  that 
he  very  soon  abandoned  when  Mr.  Barege,  with  a  flourish 
of  his  scented  cambric  'kerchief,  announced  himself  as 
a  master  of  fox-hounds  come  to  look  at  Pigg's  draft. 
James  was  then  all  zeal  and  activity,  ail  praise  of  the  pack 
and  the  draft  in  particular,  \\hich,  he  said,  were  just  as 
good  as  any  they'd  kept;  and  really  if  he'd  been  choosin', 
he  thought  he'd  have  prefar'd  many  of  these  to  some 
they'd  put  back ;  but  of  course  their  ard  maisterwasthe 
best  judge,  and  had  a  reet  to  please  hissel,  and  it  was  not 
for  him  to  find  fault — certainly  not — he  was  nabbut  a 
sarvent.  and  had  te  de  what  lie  was  tell'd,  and  a  man 
what  didn't  de  what  he  was  tell'd  wasn't  a  sarvent,  and 


^k 


MR.   JOHROCKS'S   DRAFT  587 

SO  on  :    all   very  sound   doctrine,  tbons'li  not    exactly 
what  our  friend  acted  up  to. 

Mr.  Baregre  took  exception  to  one  or  two  of  the  hounds 
as  being  rather  short  in  the  neck  and  throaty,  but  Piggf 
immediately  overruled  it,  by  declarinef  that  they  were  of 
''undeniable  blood,  and  first-rate  line  hunters,  hnntin' 
and  drivin'  a  scent  without  dwellin'  on  it,"  though  Pigg 
knew  no  moi'e  about  what  they  could  do  than  they 
knew  what  Pigg  coxild  do,  these  being  some  of  "  t'other 
chap's  "  lot. 

In  shoi"t,  Pigg  was  too  many  for  the  mercer,  who  not 
wishing  to  show  his  ignorance,  began  to  talk  about  price. 
Pigg  then  took  a  comprehensive  survey  of  him.  noted 
his  hairy  lip,  his  pudding  face,  and  vacant  eye,  inwardly  re- 
solving that  a  man  who  would  wear  such  a  flowing  tie  and 
funny  l)oots  must  have  a  good  deal  of  the  goose  in  him. 
"  Why,  noo,  sor,"  replied  Pigg.  scratching  his  head  and 
turning  his  quid,  with  a  hitch  of  his  braceless  breeches, 
"  Why.  noo,  sor,  ar  doesn't  want  to  be  hai-d  'pon  ye 
'bout  them — not  ar,   indeed,   only  ye  see,  sor,  ye  see," 
nibbing  his  nose  across  the  back  of  his  hand,  "  this  isn't 
like  a  young    draft,   Ihat    may  he    good  for  summut, 
or  good  for  nout,  just  as    things  chance,  nor  yet  is 
it  like  an  'ard  draft,  tliat  may  have  arl  sorts  o'  'fenders, 
sheep-worriers,  skirters,  babblers,  dwellers,  and  what  not 
'mang  it,  but  this  is  like  hafe  a  pack  o'  good  h'unds  as  it 
were,  that   you    may   tak'   into   ony   country   with    the 
certainty  o'  sport,  and  of  their  dein'  ye  credit ;  in  fact, 
gin  ar  had  me  reets   ar'd  gan  down  to  the  Ilorijeth 
country  wi'  them  mysel',  only  ye  see,  sor,"  continued  he, 
>toiling  up  as  he  spoke,  "  only  ye  see,  sor,  mar  foreelder 
John,  .Jf)hn  Pigg  ye  see,   willed   arl  wor  brass  to  the 
'Formory.  ye  see,  and  left  me  wi'  fairly  nout— gin  ye  gan 
to  the  'i'oiiiiory,   ve'll   see  it  arl  clagtred   up   i'   great 
gou'd  letters  'gin  the  warll,"  Pigg  flogging  away  at  the 
kennel  wall  with  his  whip  till  lie  drove  all  lii.s  draft  away. 
Mr.   Barege,   to   whom    both    the    sporting    and    the 
grievance  jjart  of  the  foregoing  was  Greek,  now  essayed 
to  edge  a  word  in  sideway.s. 

"  Well,"  said  lie,  twiilinghis  cane-coloured  moustache, 
and  throwing  back  his  little  cf)nceited  (;0Rt — as  he  stood 
in  conseciuential  Jittitnde— far  difForent  to  the  way  his 
father  used  to  stand  boliind  the  counter,  sliowing  his 
ribbons— find  "  wof's  the  nfxt  article.  n)amf'"-ing  the 
ladies.     "  W»-I1."  said  he, "say  the  wr>rd--How  much  ?" 

"  Why.  ar'l  tell  ye  i'  twe  words,"  rejtlicd  Pigg.  now 
rubbing  liis  nose  the  reveise  way,  on  the  Ixick  of  his 


588  HANDLEY  CROSS 

hand,  "  arl  tell  ye  i'  twe  words— ar  doesn't  want  nothin' 
but  what's  reet  and  fail — nothin'  but  what's  reetand  fair 

-  ar's  as  honest  a  man  as  iver  was  shaved— thonpfh  ar 
hasn't  'zactly  getten  nie  Sunday  claes  on  " — Pigg  look- 
ing down  at  his  tattered  purpla  coat-laps,  drab  breeches, 
and  continuations — "  and  gin  ye  fancy  these  h'unds,  ye 
shall  hev  them  at  a  varry  fair,  moderate  figure,  for  when 
wor  ard  maister's  made  up  his  mind  te  part  wi'  a  thing, 
he  doesn't  like  te  see  it  'bout  the  place,  and  ar's  warned 
ye,  if  he  was  to  come  down  now,  he  d  be  readin'  the  riot 
act,  for  he's  a  rum  uu  when  he's  raised,  and  ar  might 
ha'  selled  them  to  ard  Mr.  Dribbler,  o'  the  Daddyfield 
hunt,  only  he's  sic  a  fond  ard  chai") — parfect  lunattic 
ar  may  say — that  ar  said  ar'd  sooner  knock  'em  on  the 
head  than  he  should  hev  them,  and  so  ye  see  they're 
here  now;  and  though  ar  say  it,  who  shouldn't,  any 
gen'l'man,  either  settin'  oop  a  pack,  or  addin'  to  one, 
couldn't  be  better  suited,  for  a  more  valuable  lot  were 
never  sorted.  Ar  wadn't  tell  ye  a  lee  'bout  them," 
continued  he,  now  rubbing  his  nose  upwards.  "  Ar 
wadn't  tell  ye  a  lee  'bout  them,  ar  assure  you,  for  wor 
'ard  maister's  a  most  particklar  man  'bout  the  tnith — 
leers  and  drunkards  bein'  things  he  can't  abeer,  and  if 
iver  he  catches  a  man  either  drunk  or  tellin'  a  lee,  he  off 's 
wi'  'im  at  yence,  and  if  arl  gen'l'men  would  de  the  like, 
and  give  true  and  proper  c'aracters  of  sarvents,  they'd  be 
far  better  sarved,  and  we  shouldn't  hev  a  lot  of  nasty, 
idle,  di-unken  dogs  fillin'  the  places  o'  good  men,  and  ye 
may  'pend  upon  it,  if  ar  was  to  tell  ye  out  but  the  'zact 
truth,  and  wor  'ard  maist^r  were  to  ken,  he'd  gi  me  the 
sack,  se  it's  ne  use  me  sayin'  nothin'  but  wot's  the  real 
truth,  and  no  mistake — " 

"  Well,  well,"  interrupted  Mr.  Barege,  who  was  too 
well  up  in  the  puffing  art  not  to  see  through  it,  "  well, 
well,  that  'ill  do,  that  'ill  do — I  dessay  the  hounds  are 
good — Mr.  Jorrocks,  I  know,  is  a  pretty  good  judge;  and 
you  say  he's  only  parting  with  them  because  he's 
reducing  his  establishment — what  I  want  to  know  is 
the  )n-ice — the  neat  unadorned  price,  without  any  super- 
fluous flourish  or  hadinaye."  Mr.  Barege  taking  a 
di)iiinutive  gold  watch  out  of  his  flashy  waistcoat  pocket, 
and  holding  it  as  if  to  time  Pigg. 

The  admission  that  Jorrocks  was  a  good  judge 
encoui'aged  Pigg.  and  knowing  that  a  purchaser  would 
have  no  opportunity  of  trying  the  hounds  before 
autumn,  he  determined  to,  what  he  calls.  "  lay  it  on." 

"  "Well    then,"   said    Pigg,   nerving    himself    for  the 


MR.   JORROCKS"S   DRAFT  589 

annoiincemeut,  "well  then."  repeated  he,  "  ye  ni  unjust 
gi'  me  five  guineas  a  coople  foi-  them." 

'■  Five  guineas  a  couple,"  mused  Mi-.  Barege,  knitting 
his  brows,  though  in  reality  he  was  pleased,  it  being 
less  than  he  expected.  "  Five  guineas  a  couple— ten 
couple  at  five  guineas  a  couple— five  times  ten  is  fifty, 
and  fifty  shillings  is  two  pun'  ten— fifty-two  pun'  ten." 

"  Give  you  forty,"  resumed  he,  turaing  short  upon  Pigg. 

"Couldn't  tak'  it,"  replied  Pigg,  with  a  shake  of 
his  head,  "  couldn't  tak'  it.  They're  worth  just  as  much 
again,  gin  the  season  were  on.  Ar'd  lay  ony  money ,"^ 
continued  Pigg,  "ar"d  gan  down  to  Tilton  Wood  wi' 
nabbut  them  ten  couple  and  kill  the  'ard  Cottesmore  * 
customer  for  them." 

•  Pigg  here  alludes  to  the  famous  Cottesmore  fox,  that  gave  the  Leices- 
tershire swells  such  a  drubbing  last  season.  This  run  being  quite  out 
of  the  common,  is  well  worth  a  p\nce  in  ourpages.  We  take  our  account 
from  the  i-'icW,  which  agrees  with  that  given  us  by  a  friend  who  was 
there,  save  that  our  friend  lays  the  time  at  two  hours  (up  to  Glen  Gorse, 
one),  and  the  distance  twenty  instead  of  five-and-twenty  miles ;  from 
point  to  point  fourteen,  the  whole  over  grass,  with  the  exception  of  five 
ploughed  fields,  scent  ftrst-rate,  though  the  ground  was  desperately 
hard  and  dry.    Now  for  the  newspaper  version  :— 

*'  Tuesday,  the  2l8t  of  March,  proved  one  of  the  most  extraordinary 
days  ever  kno\vn,  and  competent  authorities  have  no  hesitation  in 
asserting  that  it  was  even  superior  to  the  celebrated  Billcsilon  Coplow 
day  in  Mr.  Mcynell's  time,  or  to  the  run  from  Ashby  Pastures,  recorded 
by  Niinrod  in '  The  Chase';  and,  indeed,  when  the  whole  extent  of  country 
traversed  over  in  an  liour  and  a  half  i.s  taken  into  consideration,  it 
does  almost  seem  fabulous  to  slate  that  one  fox  could  hove  lived 
BO  far.  The  meet  was  at  Laun<le  Abbey  ;  the  field  was  not  numerous 
at  all,  iMjcauKC  of  the  dryness  of  the  ground.  Tilton  Wood  was  drawn, 
and  this  gallant  fox  immediately  went  away  for  Halstead,  leaving 
Tilton  village  on  the  right ;  he  bore  straight  to  Skellington  Hall ;  leaving 
that  also  on  the  right,  he  went  to  Rolleston.and  through  the  jilantations, 
pfiititing  his  head  for  a  few  seconds  towards  Alloxton  ;  ho  tlioii  leaned 
t'l  the  rit'ht  over  the  best  line  of  country  in  the  world  for  Slmii.gton 
Holt,  which  ho  did  not  enter;  then  on  to  Illston-on-the-Hill  and  Norton 
(iorsc,  the  pace  almost  racing,  and  many  of  them  shook  olf.  Mr. 
Llipyil  was  here  leading  on  The  Felon— the  fox  then  went  straight  as  an 
arrow  by  Burton  Overy,  and  on  to  Glen  Gorse,  running  bong  through 
which,  he  pointe<l  to  Wistow  House,  and  leaving  that  on  the  right  he 
went  to  Kleckney,  and  stmight  away  to  Counlesthoriie,  doubling  tlmn 
again  and  l>earing  for  Slicarsby  Inn.  Ho  was  lost  for  the  simple 
reason  that  tlie  honnds  could  go  no  further;  they  were  without  ft 
huntsman  for  the  last  four  miles,  and  for  a  long  way  the  fox  was  on 
one  sirlc  nf  a  fence  and  the  liounds  on  the  other,  and  tlioy  had  not 
Btrcntfth  left  to  go  over,  nor  could  they  get  through.  The  dist-ancc, 
according  to  the  Ordnance  map,  is  olKjiit  twenty-five  miles.  This  is 
an  occasion  when  we  shall  be  justified  in  dei)arting  from  a  general  rule, 
end  Htat'j  that  the  first  flight  consisted  of  Mr.  Lloyd,  Mr.  Aiiisworth, 
Mr.  Wood,  Colonel  Campbell,  Mr.  T.  Heycock,  Captain  Hawkesley, 
Hon.  H.  Coventry,  Lord  Gardiner,  4e. ;  all  were,  however,  dead  beat, 
anrl  it  was  with  considerable  difficulty  the  hoiindn  could  be  got  to 
Leicester,  where  a  spci-ial  tniin  waa  chartered,  and  hounds,  horses,  and 
gentlemen  were  carried  along  the  Svston  and  Petorlx^ro'  line,  the 
MeltosUiDs  being  dropped  «/i  routt,  and  the  others  taken  on  to  Oakham, 


590  HANDLEY   CROSS 

And  Barege,  to  Pigj^'s  astonishment,  produced  liis 
beautiful  gi*een  and  gold  portc-munnaie,  and  told  out 
ten  clean,  crisp,  raspberry-tart-marked  five-pound  notes, 
and  handed  them  over  in  exchange  for  this  very  valuable 
lot  of  hounds,  combining  amongst  them  about  every 
vice  and  deficiency  that  hounds  are  capable  of.  Pigg 
at  first  was  so  struck  at  the  possession  of  such  wealth, 
that  he  ke])t  fnmbliug  and  turning  the  notes  about  in  a 
stupefied  sort  of  way — neither  counting  them  nor  put- 
ting them  right  for  counting,  quite  different  to  the  way 
old  Barege  iise  to  deal  with  his  darlings  when  he  sold 
an  Indian  shawl,  or  any  expensive  article  of  raiment  to 
the  ladies  ;  and  our  embryo  master  of  hounds,  thinking 
James  was  going  to  haggle  for  the  shillings,  demanded 
in  a  peremptory  tone,  if  it  was  a  deal  ? 

"  Cartainly,  sir,  cartainly,"  replied  Pigg,  with  another 
hitch  of  his  braceless  breeches,  "  Cartainly,  sir,  cartainly, 
but  we  mun  hev  a  glass  tegither  oot  on't,  ar's  warned." 

This  Mr.  Barege  declined,  intimating  that  he  was  not 
addicted  to  glasses,  whereupon  Pigg  tendered  him  his 
hand,  saying,  "  Giv  ns  a  Avag  o'  yeer  nief  then,  giv  us  a 
wag  o'  yeer  nief,"  at  which  Barege  seemed  equally 
disgusted. 

And  Pigg  was  so  petrified  at  the  acquisition  of  such 
unexpected  wealth,  that  he  did  not  know  what  lie  was 
about,  and  Mr.  Barege,  after  thrice  telling  him  how  he 
wanted  the  hounds  sent,  was  obliged  to  write  it  down, 
and  having  done  so,  be  left  Pigg  to  decypherhis  instruc- 
tions at  his  leisure. 

When  Pigg  came  to  his  senses,  he  went  straight 
to  the  Salmon  Hotel,  and  astonished  Sherry  by  paying 
off  his  score,  after  which  he  remitted  the  balance  of  his 
share  of  tlie  plunder  to  his  coosin  Deavilboger,  in  the 
north,  to  invest  in  the  Jarrow  docks,  in  hopes  that  it 
might  lay  the  foundation  of  a  fund  for  the  future  re- 
demption of  the  '■  ould  ancient  Pigg  property." 

And  when  Pigg  saw  the  hounds  dej^art  in  charge  of 
Barege's  feeder,  he  chuckled  and  laughed  outright, 
saying  to  himself,  "  Sink,  but  ar'd  be  the  death  of  a 
guinea  to  see  tliem  divils  hunt." 

"The  same  hounds  met  at  Tilton  wood  on  Saturday,  the  25th,  and 
not  the  least  doubt  exists  but  that  they  found  the  very  same  fox  again, 
for  he  went  over  exactly  the  same  line  of  country,  and  pave  them  an 
excellent  run,  until  he  got  to  Illston-on-the-Ilill,  where  he  was  headed 
by  a  shepherd's  dog,  and  run  into  Norton  Gorse,  from  wliich  place 
a  fresh  fox  went  away,  and  a  most  excellent  day's  tnort  ended  by 
his  being  lost  at  Somcrby,  a  distance  of  twelvu  miles  at  the  least." 


CHAPTER  LXIV 


DOLEFUL    V.   JORROCKS 

N  due  time  the  great  suit  of  Doleful 
V.  JoiTocks  reaclied  maturity.  The 
captain  feeling  deeply  injured,  and 
cocksure  of  winning,  lured  perhaps 
by  Lord  Campbell's  assertion  that 
theirs  was  the  "  cheap  shop,"  deter- 
mined to  trounce  his  qiiondam  friend 
in  Westminster  Hall,  instead  of 
availing  himself  of  the  honest  rough- 
and-readiness  of  the  county  court. 

Accordingly  one  fine  sunny  morn- 
ing a  brace  of  brandy-nosed  trum- 
l)eters,  on  long-tailed  black  cart- 
liorses,  dressed  in  silver-laced  cocked 
liats,  yellow  coats,  striped  waist- 
coats, red  plush  breeches,  and  top- 
Vjoots,  with  the  quarterings  of  many 
generations  on  their  l;ugle-banners,  wei-e  seen  preceding 
a  lofty  coach-and-six,  in  whicli  were  seated  Barons 
Botherem  and  Funnyfilc,  Mr.  Maniiadnke  Muleygrnbs, 
and  bis  under  sberill",  Mr.  Jeremiiih  Capias,  of  Walsing- 
ton.  The  coach,  jobbed  from  London,  luid  newly  done 
up  for  the  occasion,  was  dark  chiret,  or  Queen's  colour, 
with  a  flaming  red  hammerclotli,  and  a  coat  of  arms, 
under  a  sort  of  red  petticoat,  on  tlie  panel,  tliat  nearly 
filled  the  whole  of  the  door.  Behind  were  stationed  our 
two  footmeji  friends,  in  the  costume  we  have  seen  them 
in  at  home,  stiff  neckcloths  nnd  all,  with  the  addition  of 
cocked  hats,  and  silver-lieaded  canes  with  red  and  yellow 
worsted  tassels  in  tlieir  hands. 

A  large  body  of  vaguely  dressed,  white  wanded 
constaVjles,  under  tlie  comuiand  of  Sunerintendents 
Shark  and  Chizeller,  both  pompously  di'iuiK, surrounded 
the  coach  to  prevent  the  cargo  being  stolen.  Two 
grooms  in  cocked  hats,  yellow  frocks,  jjlush  breeches, 
and  topboota  brought  ujj  the  lear.     In  this  order  the 


592  HANDLET   CROSS 

cavalcade  proceeded,  at  a  foot's  pace,  up  the  High  Street 
of  Walsiugton ;  the  shaking  of  Baron  Funnyfile's  cauli- 
flower wig,  from  the  inequalities  of  the  pavement, 
striking  terror  into  the  minds  of  evil-doers  as  they  eyed 
him  through  the  coach  window.  Just  as  they  passed 
the  end  of  Cross  Street.  Mr.  Jorrocks,  who  had  driven 
his  solicitor,  Mr.  Fleeceall,  over  from  Handley  Cross  in 
his  dog-cart,  fell  in  behind ;  and  what  with  the  coach, 
the  liveries,  the  brazen  trumpet's  sound,  the  crowd,  and 
the  gig  Avith  John  Jorrocks,  M.F.H.,  painted  up  behind, 
things  wore  a  very  imposing  appearance. — Mr.  Marma- 
duke  Muley grubs  was  the  first  high  sheriff  who  had 
sported  six  horses. 

Great  was  the  rush  as  the  coach  drew  up  at  the 
venerable  Saxon  archway  of  the  county  courts,  and  it 
was  not  until  the  police  had  formed  a  double  line  that 
the  under  sheriff  gave  the  stiff-necked  footboy  the  signal 
to  open  the  door.  Out  he  popped ;  next  came  little 
Mavmaduke  himself  in  a  full  court  dress,  with  an 
Elizabethan  ruff,  or  what,  in  former  times,  was  called 
"  three  steps  and  a  half  to  the  gallows,"  from  the  size 
and  number  of  its  folds.  Marmaduke  had  borrowed  the 
idea  from  a  portrait  of  one  of  his  ancestors,  wherein  that 
worthy  sporting  moustachios,  he  had  very  appropriately 
added  a  pair  to  his  own  countenance. 

Having  descended  the  flight  of  steps  from  the  coach 
with  great  caution,  as  well  for  the  purpose  of  exhibiting 
his  person  as  to  prevent  his  tripping  over  his  basket- 
handled  sword,  the  judges  followed  and  entered  the 
building  amid  a  prolonged  flourish  of  trumpets. 

This,  and  the  rusliing  in  of  a  white-wanded  bailiff, 
exclaiming,  "  Gen'lemen  of  the  grand  jury  wanted  i' 
Kurt  •'  "  startle  a  room  full  of  rosy-gilled.  John  Bull- 
looking  squires,  in  full  cry  after  various  subjects— hay, 
haiTows,  horses,  hounds — who  forthwith  hide  their  hats 
and  canes,  hoping  they'll  be  forthcoming  when  wanted, 
pull  on  their  buckskin  gloves,  and  scramble  into  a 
spacious  pen  of  a  box  just  as  the  judge,  Baron  Funny- 
file,  is  bowing  to  Messrs.  Bi'iefless,  Doneup,  Drearyface, 
and  other  ornaments  of  the  "  rope  walk,"  before  taking 
his  seat  for  the  day.  Silence  being  at  length  obtained, 
the  commission  of  the  jjeace  is  called  over,  and  her 
Majesty's  most  gracious  proclamation  against  vice  and 
immorality  openly  read,  the  loose  hands  nudging  each 
other  at  appropriate  passages,  and  saying,  "  That's  a  hit 
at  you,  Smith!"  or,  "What  a  thing  it  is  to  be  a  loose  fish, 
Jones'."     The   magnates  of  the  gi-and-jury  box  then 


DOLEFUL    ('.   JORROCKS  593 

answer  to  their  names  and  are  swora.  the  florid  Aerbiage 
of  the  foreman's  oath  contrasting  A\'ith  the  bald  phiinness 
of  the  ■'  you  say  ditto  to  that "  of  the  rest. 

His  lordship  then  turns  sideways  in  his  richly  carved 
crimson  velvet  chaii'.  and  glancing  a  huighing  eye  along 
the  line  of  looming  waistcoats,  thus  addresses  the 
upright  men  inside  them  :  *'  Gentlemen  of  the  grand 
(hero)  inquest — (hem)  it  is  extremely  gratifying  (hem) 
to  see  Buch  a  full  attendance  of  gentlemen  of  your  (hem) 
figaire  and  substance  in  the  county" — his  lordship 
thinking  he  never  saw  so  many  fat  men  before — "  many 
of  you,  I  make  no  doubt,  have  left  your  (hem)  homes 
at  great  personal  sacrifice  and  inconvenience" — (and  to 
himself,  "  perhaps  injury  to  your  hay  ").  "  The  benefit 
of  a  resident  magistracy,"  continues  he,  "  fulfilling  all 
the  (hem)  duties  of  their  (hem)  station  in  the  exemplary 
way  they  do  in  this  (hem)  county  is  abundantly  testified 
by  the  lightness  of  the  calendar  before  me" — (or,  sotto 
voce,  "  it  may  be  from  not  having  a  rural  police  to  hunt 
up  your  (cough)  crime  ") — aloud  :  "  yotir  experience  as 
magistrates  " — (to  himself,  "  a  nice  set  of  Solomons  you 
are.  I  dare  say") — aloud  again:  "will  enable  you  to 
deal  with  any  cases  that  may  be  brought  before  you,  but 
if  there  are  any  tiiat  you  feel  any  difficulty  about,  I 
shall  }>e  most  happy  to  i-ender  you  any  assistance  in  my 
power"— (to  himself,  "  unless  you  prefer  skying  a  copper 
yourselves  ") — aloud  again  :  "  as  you  are  not  encunibei*ed 
with  depositions,  or  anything  to  distract  your  attention, 
you  will,  i)erhap3  80(m  be  able  to  favour  me  with  a 
commencement  of  those  valuable  (iiem)  services  for 
which  a  grateful  (cougli)  country  can  never  be 
sufficiently  (liem)  thankful."  Whoreupcm  his  lordship 
makes  a  solemn  l^ow,  wliich  the  grand  jury  return,  each 
man  after  liis  own  dancing-master's  fashion,  and  away 
they  all  scuttle  U>  the  place  from  whence  they  came, 
hoping  to  find  their  hats  where  thoy  left  tiiom,  declaring 
that  his  lordshii)  is  a  most  agn^eable,  seiiHiblo  man,  and 
believing  tiiat  tiiey  are  going  to  be  uncommonly  useful. 
Presently  they  all  get  settled  to  a  long  green  baize- 
covered  table,  plentifully  garnished  with  iiens,  ink,  and 
paper,  which  each  in;in  ai)i)ropriat«iH  as  if  he  was  going 
to  make  a  full  note  of  everything.  This  idea  giadually 
subsides  into  a  drawing  of  lioiids,  a  scrilibling  of  notes, 
or  a  making  of  mems  of  things  forgotten  at  lionif,  to 
mend  the  gai)l>etween  the  seedsand  tlictuniips,  to  send  to 
YallowfieUl  to  IxuTow  the  hayiiiak»'r,  to  t<'ll  Lovelock  the 
keeper  to  have  an  eye  on  Tom  Biown,  &c.,  &c.     In  due 


59t  HANDLBY   CROSS 

time  they  ffet  iip  a  general  hum  of  conver.sation — much 
such  as  prevails  at  a  race  ordinary  on  the  removal  of 
the  cloth ;  Mr.  Girths  asking  Mr.  Buckwheat  what  he 
will  take  for  his  brown  mare ;  Squire  Screecher 
wondering  whether  Captain  Dij^s  will  want  a  subscrii)- 
tion  if  he  takes  the  hounds;  Mr.  Larkspur  inquiriiig 
after  some  lupins  he  had  sent  Mrs.  Lettuce ;  Captain 
Couples  declaring  he  won't  vote  for  young  Lord  Long- 
bow, unless  he'll  subscribe  to  the  coursing  club;  another 
asking  about  the  dinner  hour;  a  second  about  the 
luncheon  hour — a  general  hum  of  conversation,  we  say, 
is  interrupted  by  the  loud  knocking  of  Sir  Thomas 
Tenjience,  the  foreman,  on  the  table,  followed  by  cries  of 
"Silence!  silence!  order!  chair!  "from  those  wlio  have 
been  making  the  most  noise. 

The  worthy  baronet,  assisted  by  a  few  friends  on  either 
side  of  the  chair,  has  been  endeavouring  to  grope  his  way 
to  the  truth  through  a  long  list  of  witnesses,  on  the 
back  of  a  formidable-looking  bill  of  indictment,  against 
the  celebrated  Lucifer  Crowbar,  the  London  cracksman, 
for  burglary,  and  which,  though  bolstered  up  with  a 
fine  array  of  circumstantial  evidence,  is  deficient  in  the 
main  proof.  The  fact  is,  that  Tom  Tripper,  the  great 
thieves'  attorney,  has  palmed  the  principal  witness 
Joseph  Hobnail,  whose  farmhouse  was  bi'oken  into,  and 
Joe's  memory  has  failed  him.  Ti-ipper  knows  well  that 
grand  juries  have  no  depositions  to  guide  them,  and 
always  marks  his  sense  of  their  services  by  drinking  their 
healths  first  at  his  thieves'  ordinary,  thus  :— "  The  grand 
jury !  the  magsman's  best  friend ! "  Tripper  has 
operated  successfully  this  time. 

What  Hob  swore  to  point-blank  before  the  magistrate 
he  only  thinks  now;  and  altogether  he  is  painfully 
conscientious.  He  "  wouldn't  like  to  swear  nothin'  he's 
not  certain  of."  There's  an  earnest  honesty  about  his 
wrinkled,  sunburnt  face,  shaded  with  venei'able  snow- 
white  locks,  that  looks  like  truth.  Sir  Thomas  Tenpence 
is  ])uzzled.  "  Pray  attend  to  this,  gentlemen ! "  he 
exclaims,  from  the  top  of  the  table. 

■■  What's  the  number  ?  "  asked  Mr.  B  uck wheat,  referring 
to  his  calendar. 

"  Six,"  replies  Mr.  Sci'eecher,  across  the  table. 

"  Is  that  the  assault  on  the  womair  ? "  asks  Mr. 
Badlad,  from  below. 

"  No,"  growls  Mr.  Prettyman,  with  a  frown. 

Sir  Thomas,  in  a  clear  business-like  way,  then  states 
the  difficulty,  observing  that  he  does  not!  think  a  petty 


DOLEFUL   r.   JORROCKS  595 

jury  will  convict  on  the  evidence,  while  if  they  ignore  the 
bill,  and  any  fresh  evidence  be  afterwards  procured, 
Crowbar  can  then  be  put  on  his  trial. 

"  Thafs  to  say  if  yon  can  catch  him  again,"  observes 
Mr.  Screechei". 
''  Wish  you  may  get  him  !  "  exclaims  Mr.  Larkspur. 
"  Bird  in  the  hand's  worth  two  in  the  bush,"  suggests 
Mr.  Buckwheat. 

"  Precious  little  chance  of  getting  any  further  evidence 
if  he's  in  the  hands  of  any  of  the  great  perverters." 
observes  Mr.  Girths.  "Alibis,  five  pund ;  suppression  of 
evidence,  two  pund  ten;  witnesses  to  character,  seven 
and  six  each."     (Laughter.) 

"  Well,  gentlemen,  what  do  you  think  F "  asks  Sir 
Thon)as. 

"  Oh !  give  him  a  squeak  for  it  now,"  says  Captain 
Couples. 
■'  Cost  no  more."  observes  Mr.  Buckwheat. 
"  No  doubt  he  did  it,"  says  Mr.  Snoreem. 
■■  Or  something  quite  as  bad,"  joins  Mr.  Boreem, 
|j  Or  he  wouldn't  be  here,"  asserts  Mr.  Floorem. 
"  His  name's  enough,"  adds  Mr.  Quorum. 
On  a  show  of  hands,  however,  the  bill  is  thrown  out. 
and,  on  the  application  of  Mr.  Dreary  face,  his  lordship 
allows  the  cost  of  the  judicial  farce. 

Tlie  filthy  Tripi)er  reels  off  with  the  prisoner,  vowing 
that  he  will  bring  an  action  on  Ijehalf  of  his  most 
respectable  and  much-injured  client! 

But  we  have  made  a  mistake  and  gone  into  the  wrong 
A'lirf,  Mr.  Jorrocks's  business  is  in  tlio  otlier  one.  Let 
UB  look  at  him,  as  Sterne  did  at  his  captive. 

Few  are  ignorant  of  the  miseries  of  hanging  about  a 
court  of  justice,— either  they  have  appeared  in  the 
characters  of  injured  j>laintiffs,  or  the  still  less  enviable 
one  of  unwilling  defendants,  or  tliey  have  been  buIj- 
)>a'nac'd  uh  witneHses,  summoned  as  jurois,  or  waited  for 
those  who  were.  Unlike  utlier  crowds,  the  fever  of 
excitement  never  flags.— Crowds  rush  in  to  supjily  the 
place  of  tliDse  whom  victory  sends  rushing  out,  or  those 
whom  blighted  hoijes  send  stalking  unconsciously 
through  the  throng. 

In  the  box  on  the  judge's  right  are  the  "specials,"— 
men  wiio  hav<-  little  to  do  in  <'onrt,  and  less  at  liome, 
and  yet  think  themselveH  desperately  oppressed  by  being 
culled  on  at  all.  Opposite  are  the  common  jurors- 
tradesmen,  mechanics,  farmers,  and  so  on.  drawn  from 
their  homeu  at  a  groat  inconvenience,  fur  i'ourpunce  a 


596  HANDLE Y    CROSS 

verdict,  and  no  thanks.  The  bench  is  sprinlded  with 
pretty  faces,  ranged  like  milliners'  bonnets  for  sale. 
Below  is  the  bar-table,  round  which  are  wigs  and  gowns, 
whose  owners  could  tell  fearful  tales  of  hope  deferred 
and  disappointed  expectations. 

There  is  the  leader,  with  a  bag  full  of  briefs ;  not  a 
cause  is  called  on  but  he  is  engaged;  the  judge  lends 
his  ear,  and  the  fawning  juniors  flutter  at  his  frown. 
Next  him,  with  whiskers  matching  the  colour  of  his 
wig,  is  one  whose  day  is  gone  by, — whose  well-stored 
bag  has  dwindled  to  a  single  brief,  the  winter  of  whose 
discontent  is  sharpened  by  the  recollection  of  the 
prosperity  he  once  knew.  The  rosy-gilled  gentleman  on 
his  left  is  a  country  practitioner,  who  reaps  a  small 
harvest  at  assizes  and  sessions,  without  enduring  the 
pangs  of  Westminster  Hall,  the  turmoil  of  the  circuit, 
or  the  confinement  of  inn-chambers.  Another  great 
leader  follows  on,  sallow,  solemn,  and  careworn ;  and 
then  comes  a  long  file  of  juniors,  with  health  ripening 
on  each  brow,  until  we  come  to  the  pink-and-white 
youth  with  the  wig  and  gown  of  yesterday. 

Some  judges  consider  special  jury  cases,  which  Dole- 
ful's  was,  peculiarly  the  property  of  the  rich,  conse- 
quently have  no  compunctions  about  letting  them 
remain  to  the  last,  and  Baron  Botherem  was  of  this 
oi)inion.  Four  mornings  did  Mr.  Jon-ocks  fall  into  the 
rear  of  Mr.  Marmaduke  Muleygi-ubs'  coach,  each 
morning  showing  the  fading  finery  of  the  set-out:  the 
trumpeters'  boots  grew  less  bright,  the  harness  lost  its 
polish,  Marmaduke's  ruff  began  to  droop,  and  on  the 
fourth  morning  the  stitf-necked  flunkies  appeared  in 
black  cravats.  Still,  despite  all  the  worthy  high  sheriff's 
assurances  to  Mr.  JoiTOcks  that  he  would  make  the 
judge  take  his  cause  out  of  order,  Baron  Botherem 
went  pertinaciously  through  the  list  according  to  the 
order  in  which  they  had  been  set  down.  The  fourth 
day  was  the  last,  and  there  were  four  special  jui-y  cases 
to  be  tried.  Doleful  v.  Jorrocks  being  the  third,  the 
briefs  in  those  before  it  being  of  such  a  size  as  to 
make  the  trials  appear  well  calculated  to  last  for  ever. 
The  first,  however,  went  off  unexpectedly ;  and  at  half- 
past  ten  the  cause  immediately  before  that  in  which 
our  worthy  friend  was  to  figure  came  on  before  a  full 
special  jury.  Avith  a  string  of  witnesses  that  occupied 
the  coi;rt  till  eight  o'clock  at  night.  It  was  a  dull, 
uninteresting  afl:'air.  respecting  the  liability  of  an  in- 
surance office,  and  the  verdict  was  heard  with  apparent 


DOLEFTTL    V.   JORROCKS  597 

indifFei-enoe  Ijy  a  crowded  coiirt,  ;ill  anxious  for  Doleful 
r.  Jorrocks  to  be  called  on. 

The  jurj'-box  was  at  length  cleared,  the  judge  supplied 
with  fresh  pens  and  a  few  green-shaded  block-tin- 
standed  compos  scattered  pi-omiscuously  about  the  bar- 
table,  while  the  crier  made  proclamation  for  all  special 
jurors  in  the  action  of  Doleful  v.  Jorrocks  to  appear 
and  answer  to  their  names.  This  was  a  signal  for  a 
general  commotion  in  the  court;  jurors  fought  their 
ways  out,  while  others  fought  their  ways  in;  and  a 
messenger  having  been  despatched  to  the  Criminal 
Court,  for  both  judges  were  working  double  tides  in 
order  to  get  away  in  good  time  to  dine  with  the  Lord 
Lieutenant  next  day,  the  high  sheriff  entered  in  such  a 
hurry  that  he  tri])ped  over  his  sword  and  blobbed  head- 
foremost into  court  at  the  back  of  Baron  Botherem, 
who  was  sadly  discomposed  by  his  awkwardness. 

Oi'der  was  at  length  restored,  and  five  top-booted 
and  five  trousered  esquires  having  answered  to  their 
names,  two  gentlemen  in  drabs  and  continuations 
(de8criV>ed  in  the  panel  as  merchants)  fill  up  the  jury, 
who,  having  taken  the  oath  by  threes  to  a  book,  settle 
themselves  into  their  box,  looking  both  solemn  and 
wise.  Mr.  Jorrocks,  having  the  entree,  plants  himself 
behind  the  judge's  chair,  and  Captain  Doleful  confronts 
him  }>elow,  near  the  witnes8-l)0x. 

Our  old  fi-iend,  the  Hon.  Mr.  Lollington,  having 
muttered  something  beginning  with  "  My  Lud,"  and 
ending  witli  "  issue,"  sits  down,  and  Mr.  Burley  Bolster, 
a  large  pasty-faced  gentleman,  in  silver-rimmed  spec- 
tacle's and  a  patent  wig,  presents  liis  aiiii>]e  front  to 
the  jury.  Clearing  his  voice,  he  leans  witii  his  thumb 
on  the  table  and  scrutinizes  the  jury  as  he  thus 
addresses  them : — 

"  Gentle!.jen  of  the  jury,  the  ])hiintill'  in  this  case,  as 
my  learned  friend  Iia.s  told  you,  in  soiiKiwluit  more 
t€cl)nical  than  inteliigiljje  language,  is  Cai»l;iin  Miser- 
rimuH  Doleful,  a  gentleman  not  only  imiding  her 
Majpsty's  conimission  in  the  army,  but  also  the 
impoi-tant  and  higlily  lumourable  (»fiice  of  master  of 
tlie  ceremonies  of  llandloy  Cross  Spa,  a  watering-plaoe 
with  which,  I  make  uo  doulit.  you  are  all  moie  or  less 
ac<|iia.int«Ml ;  and  my  distinguished  client  ccjmes  into 
court  this  day  to  seek  at  your  liandH  tliat  reparation 
which  out!  John  Jorrocks  refuses  to  alford  him  out  of  it. 
JoiTocks,  he  understood,  was  manager  of  the  Jlandl<>y 
Cross   Fox-hounds,    a    situation   that   enabled    liim    to 


598  HANDLEY   CROSS 

obtain  all  manner  of  information  I'elative  to  horses ; 
and  he  regretted  to  see  a  man  whose  appearance  was 
respectable  so  far  losing  sight  of  all  honour  and  grati- 
tude, as  to  avail  himself  of  his  superior  knowledge  to  the 
injury  of  a  friend,  to  whom  he  was  under  the  gi-eatest 
obligations,  and  who  had  fought  and  bled  for  his  country. 

"  Captain  Doleful,  as  he  said  before,  was  an  officer — 
one  whose  life  had  been  devoted  to  the  service  of  his 
country,  and  who  now  applied  his  energies  to  the  pro- 
motion of  the  happiness  and  hilarity  of  the  public. 
Jorrocks,  in  another  line,  was  also  a  servant  of  the 
public,  and  he  could  not  but  regret  that  services  so 
dissimilar  should  have  been  unfortunately  brought 
in  collision  by  the  misconduct  of  either  party.  He 
would  not  trouble  the  jury,  at  that  late  hour  of  the 
night,  with  a  detailed  account  of  the  obligations  Mr. 
Jorrocks  was  under  to  the  plaintiff,  not  only  for  obtain- 
ing him  the  mastership  of  the  Handley  Cross  hounds, 
but  also  for  introducing  him  to  the  elite  of  the  aristocratic 
society  frequenting  the  celebrated  Spa;  but  he  would 
content  himself  by  showing  how  Jorrocks  now  sought 
to  kick  down  the  ladder  by  which  he  had  risen  to  fame 
by  injuring  the  man  to  whom  he  was  under  such 
onerous  obligations."  (Mr.  Burley  Bolster  shook  his 
head,  as  though  he  felt  it  desperately,  and  refeiTed  to 
his  brief.    Doleful  grinned  with  delight.) 

"  Towards  the  close  of  last  hunting  season,  gentle- 
men," continued  Mr.  Bolster,  "the  defendant,  for 
reasons  best  known  to  himself,  offered  the  whole  of  his 
stud  for  sale  by  public  auction,  but,  among  other  horses 
that  were  not  sold,  was  one  called  Xerxes,  which  was 
aftei-wards  purchased  by  my  client  by  private  contract 
of  the  defendant's  servant,  who,  by  the  direction  and 
consent  of  his  master,  warranted  the  horse  sound, — 
warranted  the  horse  sound,  I  say.  It  was  a  long  and 
troublesome  negotiation,  carried  on  sometimes  by  letter 
with  the  principal,  at  other  times  by  conversation  with 
his  sei'vant,  whom  I  shall  call  before  you !  but,  ulti- 
mately, a  bargain  was  concluded,  and  the  sum  of 
twenty-five  pounds  paid  to  the  defendant  as  the  price 
and  value  of  the  horse. 

"  Value,  did  I  say,  gentlemen?"  exclaimed  Mr.  Burley 
Bolster,  suddenly  checking  himself;  '"  I  made  use  of  an 
erroneous  expression,  for  he  was  absolutely  valueless; 
but  the  sum  of  twenty- five  pounds  was  paid  as  the  price 
of  the  animal.  Well,  gentlemen,  the  plaintiff  imme- 
diately removed  him  to  a  most  comfortable  and  com- 


DOLEFUL   l\   JOREOCKS  599 

modious  private  stable,  where  he  had  every  attention 
and  accommodation  that  a  liorse  can  require — corn  the 
soundest,  hay  the  sweetest,  water  the  purest,  groominof 
the  most  elaborate  and  scientific,  but,  somehow  or  other, 
he  throve  not.  My  client's  amiable  and  unsuspecting 
nature  never  allowing  hiin  to  imagine  that  he  had  so 
long  fostered  a  viper  in  his  bosom  (casting  a  con- 
temptuous look  at  Mr.  Jorrocks),  went  on,  day  by  day, 
and  fi)r  several  days,  in  the  hope  that  the  change  was 
merely  occasioned  by  a  difference  of  treatment  or  of 
food,  and  that  the  horse  would  speedily  resume  his 
wonted  a])pearance  ;  but,  alas !  '  hope.'  as  usual,  '  told  a 
flattering  tale.'  He  went  on,  from  bad  to  worse,  and 
when  at  length  the  consuming  fever  had  worked  deeply 
into  his  constitution,  my  unsuspecting  client,  awaking 
from  the  trance  of  confidence  in  which  he  had  been  so 
long  enthralled,  wrote  to  the  defendant,  representing 
how  matters  stood ;  that  individual,  so  far  from  ex- 
pressing his  regret  at  the  inconvenience  he  had  caused 
my  client,  and  offering  to  take  back  the  horse,  actually 
treated  the  matter  with  levity,  and  added  insult  to  injury, 
by  laughing  at  the  man  he  had  so  basely  defrauded.  My 
client,  then,  has  no  :iltei-native  but  presenting  himself 
>>efore  a  jui-y  of  his  country,  and  I  am  hajipy  to  see  that 
tlie  defendant  has  empanelled  a  special  one,  at  whose 
intelligent  hands,  I  feel  no  manner  of  doubt,  my  de- 
frauded client  will  receive  that  reparation  which  Jolin 
Jorrocks  so  unjustly  denies  him. 

"  Were  it  not  for  the  apj)earance  of  the  defendant  in 
court  and  the  voluminous  brief  I  see  befoi'e  my  learned 
friend  Mr.  Chargem,  I  should  have  imagined  that 
judgment  would  be  suffered  to  go  by  default,  as  in  the 
case  of  an  umlefended  action;  and  even  now,  gentle- 
men, I  am  at  a  loss  to  imagine  what  defence  my  learned 
friend's  ingenuity  will  emible  him  to  olfer ;  for  1  submit, 
under  tlie  guidance  of  his  lordship,  that  it  is  cleai-  law, 
that  where  an  article  is  asked  for  to  answer  a  particular 
jiurjiose,  the  seller  imi)liedly  warrants  that  it  is  fit  for 
fliat  purpose,  so  that  even  shoiild  T  fail  in  my  proof 
of  actual  warranty,  wlii(;h,  iiowever,  I  do  not  anti(;ipate, 
I  shall  still  be  entitled  to  your  verdict  on  the  general 
construction  of  the  agreement;  for.  had  my  client  been 
in  want  of  a  coughing,  consumptive  horse,  he  would 
have  asked  this  defendant,  .TonnckH,  if  he  had  such  an 
animal,  instead  of  whicli.  tlirougliout  flie  transaction, 
he  goes  on  the  principle  of  obtaining  a  useful,  though 
not  a  handsome  horse. 


600  HANDLEY   CROSS 

"And  now,  gentleuieu,  one  word  with  resi)ect  to  a 
person  of  the  name  of  Pigff,  whom  I  shall  presently  call 
before  you,  thouffh,  perhaps,  he  will  appear  rather  in 
the  natvn-e  of  a  reluctant  witness.  This  Pi^s?  is  hunts- 
man and  general  stable  manager  to  the  defendant 
Jorrocks,  and  seems  to  be  a  convenient  sort  of  person, 
on  whom  Jorrocks  foists  such  jobs  as  he  dcjes  not  like 
to  take  upon  himself,  and  Pigg  will  be  placed  in  the 
witness-box  to  show  that  he  was  the  accredited  servant 
of  the  defendant,  from  which  a  legal  axiom  arises,  laid 
down  by  the  great  Loi-d  Ellenborough  himself,  in  the 
case  of  Helyear  v.  Hawke  (Espinasse,  page  72) :  that 
if  a  servant  is  sent  with  a  horse  by  his  master,  and 
gives  directions  respecting  his  sale,  that  the  servant 
thereby  becomes  the  accredited  agent  of  his  master,  and 
what  he  says  respecting  the  horse  is  evidence. 

"And  in  another  place  his  Lordship  adds,  'I  think 
the  master  having  entrusted  the  servant  to  sell,  he  is 
entrusted  to  do  all  he  can  to  effectuate  the  sale,  and  if 
he  does  exceed  his  authority,  in  so  doing  he  binds  his 
master.'  Now,  gentlemen.  I  shall  prove  by  a  letter,  in 
the  handwriting  of  the  defendant,  that  Pigg  was  autho- 
rized by  the  defendant  not  only  to  receive  the  purchase- 
money,  but  also  to  warrant  the  horse;  and  having 
established  that  point,  I  shall  proceed  to  prove,  by 
competent  witnesses,  that  the  horse  was  labouring 
under  a  mortal  disease  at  the  time  of  the  sale.  That 
done,  I  feel  assured  you  will  arrive  at  the  only  conclu- 
sion open  to  sensible  men,  and  find  a  verdict  for  my 
client." 

The  letters,  as  already  given,  being  admitted,  were  put 
in,  and  read  amid  much  laughter,  and  Mr.  Burley  Bolster 
then  desired  the  crier  to  call  James  Pigg. 

"  James  Pigg  !  James  Pigg !  James  Pigg !  "  sounded 
all  around  the  building,  and  passed  outside. 

"  Ar's  here ! "  exclaimed  a  voice  at  the  back  of  the 
witness-box,  where  he  had  been  sleeping;  and  presently 
James  Pigg  made  his  apiaearance  in  front. 

A  solitary  mould-candle  placed  on  the  crier's  desk  at 
the  .side  shed  a  dim  light  over  James's  person,  showing 
the  lustre  of  his  eye  and  the  cai-eworn  chai-acter  of  hia 
countenance.  He  was  dressed  in  a  da,rk  coat,  with  a 
striped  waistcoat,  and  white  neckcloth,  upon  the  tie  of 
which  was  a  lai-ge  stain  of  tobacco-juice,  which  in  the 
gloom  of  the  court  looked  like  an  extensive  brooch. 

"  Now,  Pigg !  "  said  Mr.  Bolster,  in  a  familiar  tone. 

"  Now,  Wig ! "  responded  James,  in  the  sa  me  way. 


DOLEFUL   V.  JORROCKS  601 

"  Mind  what  you  are  about,  sir!"  said  Baron  Botlierem, 
wit!)  a  frown. 

"  You  are,  I  believe,  huntsman  to  Mr.  Joi-rocks,  the 
defendant  in  tliis  action?"  obsei'ved  the  learned  counsel. 

Pigs'. — ■"  Yes,  ar  is,"  replied  James,  brandishing  his  hat 
over  the  brass  rail  of  the  witness-box.  "  but  ar  de  believe 
gin  ar  liad  me  reets,  ar'd  be  a  gen'l'man  this  day,  and 
huutiu"  me  own  h"unds,  only  ye  see,  mar  foreelder  John 
— John  Pigg,  ye  see — " 

"  Well,  never  mind  about  your  foreelder,  John,"  inter- 
rujjted  Mr.  Bolster, "  we  want  to  know  about  Mr.  Jorrocks ; 
and  you  say  you  are  huntsman  to  him.  Now,  tell  me,  do 
you  remember  a  horse  he  had,  called  Xerxe.s  'f  " 

Pigg.-"  Nicely!" 

"Now,  what  became  of  that  horse  ?  Raise  your  voice 
and  speak  out,  so  tliat  the  gentlemen  of  the  jiu'y,  many  of 
whom  are  deaf,  may  hear  you,"  pointing  to  the  jury-box, 

Pigg. — "  Hk  dee'd  !  "  roared  Pigg. 

"He  died!"  repeated  Mr.  Bolster.^  ''Ah,  l)ut  before 
he  died,  whose  hands  did  he  pass  into  ?  " 

Pigg.—"  Ard  Doleful's." 

"  Now  then,  Pigg,  you  seem  an  honest,  intelligent  sort 
of  man,"  continued  Mr.  Bolster,  smoothingly,  "  try  if 
you  can  recioUect  what  jjassed  between  Captain  Doleful 
and  you  as  to  that  horse." 

"  A  !  ar  ken  nicely — 'twas  just  twenty-five  pund." 

Mr.  Bolstei'.— '■  No,  that's  not  what  I  mean — I  want  to 
know  what  inducement  you  held  out  to  Captain  Doleful 
U)  buy  him." 

Pigg.—"  .Sink  ar  said  nout." 

"What  does  the  witness  say?"  exclaimed  Baron 
Bothorem,  wlio  had  been  fidgetting  about  ever  since 
Pigg  apjjeared. 

Mr.  Bolster  (very  obsequiously). — "  He  says,  my  lord, 
tiiat  tliere  was  notiiing  tlie  matter  witli  the  horse." 

"  iVo,  I  bf'g  pai-dou,"  interpo.st-H  Mr.  Ciiargem,  "I 
understand  him  to  mean  tiiat  ho  said  nothing  to 
Capt<iin  Doleful." 

"Precisely,  what  I  say,"  rejoined  Mr.  Bolster;  "Cap- 
tain Doleful  asked  him  what  was  the  matter  witli  the 
horse,  and  he  said  'nothing.'" 

"The  question,  uh  1  understand  it,"  said  Baron 
Botherem,  "  was  what  iMdiiccinont  Ik;  lieM  out  to 
Cai)tain  Doleful  to  Imy  the  Ik^jhc  ?  But  what  answer 
he  gives,  I  cannot  for  the  life  of  nio  make  ouf." 

Mr.  Chargem.-"  Precisely  so,  my  liid,  Rfy  learned 
friend  asks   what   inducement  the  witness  held  out  (o 


C02  HANDLEY    CROSS 

plaintiff  to  bny  the  horse,  and  the  witness,  in  the  lan- 
guage of  the  colliery  country  from  whence  he  comes, 
replies,  '  Ar  said  nout; '  meaning,  I  did  not  say  anything. 
Perhaps  your  ludship  would  have  the  kindness  to  put 
the  question  yourself." 

"  Witness— Pigg!— attend  to  me!"  exclaimed  his  lord- 
ship. "  Tell  the  gentlemen  of  the  jury  what  you  said  in 
praise  or  commendation  of  the  horse  to  induce  Captain 
What's  his  name,  to  huy  him." 

Pigg. — "  Ar  said  nout — T'ard  man  was  aye  comin'  to 
wor  stable,  and  he  axed  me  yen  day  gin  hus  had  had 
meazles." 

*'  I  can't  imderstand  a  word  the  witness  says ! " 
exclaimed  the  judge,  shaking  his  head  in  despair. 

Mr.  Bolster.—''  He  says,  my  loord,  that  the  plaintiff 
inquired  if  the  horse  had  had  the  measles— Now  what 
did  you  say  to  that  ?  " 

Pigg. — ■' '  Measles  ! '  said  I— '  aye,  hoopin'-cough  tee ! ' " 

"  Measles  and  hooping-cough  too,"  repeated  Mr.  Bin-ley 
Bolster,  with  great  gravity,  to  the  convulsion  of  the  jury. 

Ci'oss-examined  by  Mr.  Chargem. 

"  I  suppose,  Mr.  Pigg,  you  are  a  pretty  good  judge  of 
a  horse  ?  " 

Pigg.— "Top  judge." 

*■  What  sort  of  a  judge  is  that  ?  "  exclaimed  Baron 
Botherem  in  despair. 

"My  hid,  he  says  he  is  a  yuod,  or  siijireme,  judge;" 
adding  soffo  voce,  though  loud  enough  to  be  heard  by  the 
bench,  '"  Much  such  a  judge  as  your  ludship,  in  fact." 

Baron  Botherem.—"  Humph !— really  we  ought  to  have 
an  interpreter.    Well,  now  go  on." 

Mr.  Chargem. — "  Now,  Mr.  Pigg,  will  y(  ai  have  the  kind- 
ness to  tell  the  gentlemen  of  the  jury  if,  in  the  course  of 
your  experience,  you  ever  knew  a  horse  have  the  measles  ?  " 

Pigg.— "Niver!" 

Mr.  Chargem.—"  Or  the  hooping-cough  ?  " 

Pigg.—"  Niver ! " 

Mr.  Chargem.—"  So  that,  when  you  told  Ca])tain  Dole- 
ful that  this  horse  had  had  both,  you  meant  to  say  that 
he  had  had  neither  ?  " 

Pigg. — "T'ard  gouk  Avas  aye  axin'  me  about  the  hus, 
whiles  if  he  slept  well,  whiles  if  he  had  the  lumbago,  whiles 
if  he  liked  eatin',  and  ar  was  tied  to  tell  him  summut." 

Mr.  Chargem. — "But  what  you  said  was  merely  loose, 
off-hand  conversation,  and  not  intended  as  an  inducement 
to  get  him  to  buy  ?  " 

Pigg.—"  De'il  a  bit !    It  was  nout  to  me  whether  t'ard 


DOLEFUL   V.   JOEROCKS  603 

sinner  boii»ht  him  or  no,  se  lan^  as  he  held  his  gob,  and 
didn't  keep  fashin  a'  me  about  him." 

"  Oh,  dear,  this  subterranean  language  puzzles  me 
exceedingly!"  exclaimed  the  .judge,  weary  in  mind  and 
body  ;  "  I  didn't  catch  one  word  of  that  sentence."' 

Mr.  Chargem  interprets. — "  He  did  not  care,  my  lud, 
whether  Cajjtain  Doleful  bought  the  horse  or  not,  so  long 
as  he  held  his  gob — which.  I  presume,  means  his  tongue." 

Benjamin  Brady  was  the  next  witness. 

"Now,  Mr.  Brady,"  said  Mr.  Burley  Bolster,  eyeing 
him  through  his  spectacles ;  "  you  are.  I  believe,  a 
servant  with  Mr.  Jorrocks  ?  " 

"  I'm  first  vip,"  i-eplied  the  boy,  with  great  dignity. 

Mr.  Bolster. — '"  You  remember  the  plaintiii'  in  this 
action,  Captain  Doleful,  coming  to  your  master's  stable 
about  a  hoi'se  called  Xerxes  ?  " 

Ben. — "  Yes ;  he  came  werry  often." 

Mr.  Bolster.—"  Well,  what  did  he  say  ?" 

Ben. — "  The  first  time  he  came,  he  inquired  most  about 
the  other  'osses,  and  only  axed  the  pedigi-ee  of  Xerxes." 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  And  what  answer  did  Pigg  give  him?" 

Ben. — "  He  gave  him  our  usual  pedigi-ee — said  he  was 
by  President,  out  of  a  Vaxy  mare." 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  Your  master  keeps  but  one  pedigree, 
then  ?  " 

Ben. — "  One  for  'osses ;  he  has  another  for  'ounds." 

Mr.  Bolster.—"  Then  all  your  horses  are  by  President, 
out  of  Vaxy  mares." 

Ben. — "  Yes,  sir." 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  Now  you  say  the  plaintiff  came  very 
often  to  your  stable ;  can  yoii  tell  the  gentlemen  of  the 
juiy  how  many  times,  on  the  whole,  he  might  be  there?" 

Ben.     "  Perhaps  ten  or  a  dozen  times." 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  Did  he  come  alone  ?  " 

Ben.—"  No,  he  always  brought  one  or  two  chai>3  with 
liiru, — Miss  Jelly  came  once." 

Mr.  Bolster. -"An<l  what  u.sed  they  to  say?" 

Ben.— "  Oh,  tliey  would  look,  first  at  one  horse,  then 
at  another,  and  ax  about  them." 

Mr.  Bolster.— "And  Mi-.  Pigg,  1  sujjijose,  was  very  glad 
to  see  them  ?  " 

Ben.  " No, 'deed  wasn't  he!  He  used  to  swear  very 
liard." 

Mr.  Bolster.     "He's  a  heavy  swearer,  is  he?" 

Ben.  --"  Uncommon  !  " 

"  Vei'y  inijn'oper,"  remarked  the  judge,  witli  a  sluike 
of  the  head. 


604  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Mr.  Bolster.— "  And  what  questions,  in  particular,  did 
the  plaintiff  ask?"' 

Ben. — "  Oh,  why,  he  used  to  ax  if  this  'orse  was  a  ^ood 
'un,  and  that  a  f^ood  'un;  and  Pigg  used  to  swear  they 
were  all  good  'uns,  there  weren't  no  choice  among  'ein." 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  "Was  that  said  of  any  horse  in  par- 
ticular, or  generally  of  the  stud  P  " 

Ben. — "  He  said  it  of  whatever  horse  the  captain  was 
axing  about." 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  Can  you  remember  the  words  he  made 
use  of  ?  " 

Ben. — " '  Best  'orse  goin','  he  used  to  say ;  '  best  'orse 
goin'.'" 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  Do  you  remember  the  captain  inquiring 
if  a  horse  called  Xerxes  had  had  the  measles  ?  " 

Ben. — "  I  can't  say  I  do, — remember  his  axin'  if  he  had 
been  innoculating  him." 

Mr.  Bolster.—"  What  made  him  ask  that  ?  " 

Ben. — ■'  The  horse  had  been  bled,  and  there  was  the 
mark  on  his  neck."' 

Mr.  Bolster. — "  Now  do  you  remember  the  plaintiff 
coming  to  the  stable  for  Xerxes  ?  " 

Ben. — "  Yes." 

Mr.  Bolster.—"  What  did  he  say  ?  " 

Ben. — "  That  he  had  come  for  Xerxes." 

Mr.  Bolster.—"  And  what  said  Mr.  Pigg  P  " 

Ben. — "  He  axed  for  the  brass — he  could  not  let  him 
gan  without." 

"  He  asked  for  the  what  P  "  inquired  the  judge. 

"My  lord,  witness  says  that  Pigg  asked  for  the  brass, 
which  is  a  north  country  corruption  of  the  word  money." 

"  Oh ! "  said  the  judge,  who  thought  it  was  part  of 
the  bridle. 

Mr.  Bolster.—"  Now,  when  Pigg  asked  Captain  Doleful 
for  the  brass,  what  took  place  ?  " 

Ben. — "  The  captain  paid  him  five-and-twenty  golden 
sovereigns,  sayin',  'I  s'pose  he's  all  right;'  and  Pigg  said, 
'Sound  wind  and  limb.'" 

Mr.  Bolster,  repeating  after  the  witness,  and  eyeing 
the  jury  all  the  time,  "  And  Pigg  said,  '  Sound  wind 
and  limb.'  You  give  your  evidence  very  creditably," 
observed  Mr.  Bolster  to  the  boy. 

"  Yez-ir,"  replied  Benjamin. 

Cross-examined. — "  Is  not  on  the  best  of  terms  with 
Mr.  Pigg.  Pigg  has  given  him  too  much  of  what  he  calls 
'  cobbler's-wax  oil ' — thrashing  with  a  strap.  Was  not  in 
the  stable  when  the  sale  of  the  horse  took  place, — was  in 


DOLEFUL   f.   JORROCKS  605 

the  loft,  playing  cards  with  Tom  Turnbin.  Mr.  George 
Smith's  helper,  and  Joe  Haddock.  Saw  what  took  place 
through  a  hole  in  the  floor.  Is  certain  Pigg  said  'Sound 
wind  and  limb' — heard  him  say  it  twice." 

John  Scott  is  a  helper  and  occasional  groom. — "  Re- 
members accompanying  Captain  Doleful  to  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks's  stables  when  he  bought  the  horse. — James  Pigg 
was  there.  The  captain  said  he  had  come  for  Xerxes. 
Pigg  asked  if  he  had  brought  the  brass  for  him,  as  he 
could  not  let  him  gan  without.  The  captain  produced 
twenty-five  sovereigns.  Pigg  was  very  angry,  swore 
that  his  master  was  an  ard  gouk,  and  had  sold  the  best 
horse  in  the  stable.  The  captain  said,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
would  soon  pick  up  another.  Pigg  swore  very  much. 
The  captain  paid  the  money,  saying,  'I  suppose  he's  all 
sound.'  Pigg  swore  he  was  sound  wind  and  limb,  and 
it  would  be  lucky  for  the  captain  if  he  were  half  as 
sound.  Witness  then  led  the  horse  away.  In  going 
along  he  coughed." 

Cross-examined. — "  Witness  has  lived  in  several  situa- 
tions, but  has  been  out  of  place  for  three  years  or  so, — 
maybe  for  want  of  a  character.  Looks  after  six  horses 
and  two  flys.  Servants  in  place  think  two  horses  and 
one  fly  enough  at  a  time. — Makes  a  great  difference 
whether  a  servant  is  in  place  or  out  as  to  the  quantity 
of  work  he  can  do.  Had  a  blow-up  with  James  Pigg 
about  the  merits  of  their  masters— that  is  to  say,  aljout 
Mr.  JoiTocks  and  Captain  Doleful.  Pigg  comj)lained 
that  the  captain  had  not  given  liim  a  glass  when  he 
bought  the  horse.  Witness  told  liiiu,  perhaps  the  cap- 
tain didn't  know  tlie  custom.  Pigg  said  it  was  all  his 
eye.  and  that  hr;  was  a  nasty,  mangy  beggar.  Witness 
rei»lied  that  the  captain  was  as  good  a  man  as  his 
master,  and  that  he,  witness.  wf)uldn't  stay  in  a  place  to 
be  'bused  as  he  understood  Mr.  Jon-ocks  'bused  his 
servants.  Pigg  said  lio'd  ratlier  bo  d — d  by  his  master 
than  dine  with  mine.  Then  he  said  lie  wouldn't  Viorrow 
half-a-crown  to  get  drunk  witii  mino.  tliat  lie  was  fit  for 
nout  but  a  Dorm  CDurhani)  farmer,  and  a  great  deal 
more  wulgarity  of  tliat  sort. 

"Will  swear  positively  that  the  horse  coughed  on  his 
way  from  Mr.  .lorrockH's  stablr;  to  Captain  Doleful's. 
When  he  got  iiiin  to  the  hitter  ])lace.  Captain  Doleful 
lioiTowed  a  saddle  and  bridle,  and  rf)de  the  horse  to 
Hnmpmead.  Had  him  in  harness  the  same  evening  to 
take  iiim  to  a  tea-jiai-ty.  The  night  tniLrht  bo  wet,  but 
witness  does  not  remember.    Does  not  know  how  long 


606  HANDLEY   CROSS 

be  waited  for  the  captain,— mislit  be  balf-an-honr, — 
might  be  an  liouv, — does  not  think  it  was  two  hours. 
The  captain  rode  the  horse  to  Deepdene  Park  the  next 
day,— fifteen  miles,  and  Ijack.  Had  him  in  the  fly  again 
at  night.  There  was  a  ])arty  at  Miss  Fribble's,  and  the 
captain  conveyed  all  the  yoimg  ladies  from  Miss  Birch's 
seminary,  there  and  back,  by  ten  at  a  time." 

Mr.  Horseman,  veterinary  surgeon.— "  Has  been  in 
practice  three  years.  Remembers  being  sent  for  to 
a  ttend  a  horse  that  Captain  Doleful  had  bought  of  Mr. 
Jorrocks.  Found  him  labouring  under  idiopathic  fever 
iu  its  most  malignant  form,  which  soon  turned  to  in- 
flammation of  the  lungs.  Did  what  he  could  for  him, 
but  without  avail.  The  horse  had  then  been  some  time 
iu  Captain  Dolef ul's  possession,  but  from  the  a,ppearance 
he  presented  on  his  being  first  called  iu,  witness  lias 
little  doubt  but  he  had  the  seeds  of  the  disease  upon  him 
at  the  time  he  was  sold." 

Cross-examined. — "Is  not  a  member  of  the  Royal 
Veterinary  College — is  a  self-dubbed  doctor.  Found 
the  horse  in  a  stable  along  with  a  monkey  and  bear 
laelonging  to  a  travelling  showman.  The  stable  was 
cold,  perha]js  damp,  and  witness  will  not  say  that  the 
horse  might  not  have  caught  cold  by  his  removal  from 
a  warm  to  a  cold  stable.  Horses  soon  catch  cold,  in- 
flammation quickly  follows,  and  death  soon  comes  after. 
Is  certain  the  horse  is  dead, — knows  it,  because  he 
skinned  him."     This  was  the  plaintiff's  case. 

Mr.  Burley  Bolster  having  resumed  his  seat  with  great 
self-complacency,  Mr.  Chargem  gave  the  front  of  his 
wig  a  pull,  and  his  gown  a  hitch  at  the  right  shoulder, 
and  turned  to  the  "  specials." 

"  May  it  ])lease  your  Ludship, — Gentlemen  of  the 
jury,"  said  he,  "  I  hardly  know  whether  I  am  justified  in 
trespassing  upon  your  valuable  time,  particularly  at  this 
late  ])eriod  of  the  night,  by  rebutting  a  charge  so  feebly 
sustained  as  the  case  my  learned  friend,  Mr.  Burley 
Bolster,  has  laid— has  jn-esented  to  your  notice.  _  I 
hardly  know  whether  I  should  not  be  best  discharging 
my  duty  to  my  client,  by  closing  my  brief,  and  sub- 
mitting to  your  verdict,  which  I  am  satisfied  will  be  for 
the  defendant,  instead  of  exposing  those  fallacies  that 
carry  a  too  palpable  conviction  along  with  them.  But, 
gentlemen,  lest  by  any  chance  it  might  be  inferred  that 
I  have  not  the  satisfactory  evidence  invariably  required 
by  a  British  jury,  I  will  hazard  a  brief  trespass  on  your 
time  while  I  glance  at  the  evidence  now  before  you,  and 


DOLEFUL    r.   JOBEOCKS  607 

call  a  few  witnesses  in  disproof  uf  the  statements  of  my 
learned  friend. 

"  The  case,  gentlemen,  I  take  to  be  simply  this.  Ci.ip- 
tain  Doleful,  no  gveat  conjuror  in  horse-flesh,  treats  for 
a  horse  in  Mr.  Jorrocks's  stud.  There  is  a  good  deal  of 
haggling,  as  you  have  seen,  about  the  transaction.  Cap- 
tain Doleful  offering  Mr.  Jorrocks  less  than  he  asks,  and 
Mr.  Jorrocks.  on  the  other  hand,  insisting  on  his  price. 
And  here  let  me  draw  your  attention  to  the  fact,  that, 
throughout  the  transaction,  the  plaintiff  is  the  anxious 
party.  Mr.  Jorrocks  holds  out  no  temptation  to  get 
him  to  buy  ;  on  the  contrary,  he  admits  the  horse  is  not 
ftrst-rate;  but,  speaking  of  him  in  the  language  of 
friendship,  Mr.  Jorrocks  says  he  is  calculated  for  much 
honourable  exertion  in  many  of  the  minor  fields  of  horse 
enterprise,  which,  I  suppose,  is  a  figurative  mode  of 
saying,  that  if  he  is  not  fit  for  a  hunter,  he  will  make 
what  the  defendant  would  call  a  weiry  good  '  chay-'oss.' 
(Laughter.)  And  again,  when  the  plaintiff  hesitates 
about  the  price,  does  my  client  evince  any  anxiety  to 
get  him  to  give  it?  Surely  not !  So  far  from  that,  he 
says,  in  one  of  the  letters  you  have  heard  read,  that  if 
the  plaintiff  does  not  like  to  give  the  twenty-five  pounds, 
he  is  to  '  say  no  more  about  it ; '  and  again,  when  the 
plaintiff  bothers  him  to  take  fifteen  i)ounds,  and  give  a 
receijjt  for  twenty-five,  lie  scouts  the  idea,  and  desires 
'  the  plaintiff"  will  make  up  his  mind  one  way  or  other, 
as  he  bates  haggling.'  Does  all  this,  I  ask  you,  bespeak 
the  man  anxious  to  foist  a  bad  hoise  off"  up(m  a  friend, 
or  a  man  anxious  to  get  rid  of  a  horse  at  all?  I  need 
not  tell  you  who  the  defendent  in  this  action  is.  Despite 
my  learned  friend's  sneering  ignorance,  and  talking  of 
liim  in  tiie  disrespectful  way  he  did  as  this  Jorrocks  and 
that  Jonocks,  he  coidd  not  conceal  from  liimself,— still 
less  from  you,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  that  he  was  keenly 
alive  to  the  celebrity  aii<l  iniiK)rtance  of  my  most  dis- 
tinguished client,— a  gcntlciuan  whose  name  j)reclude8 
tlie  idea  of  his  heing  mistaken  for  any  other,  and  who, 
in  every  relation  of  life,  has  worn  the  broad  arrow  mark 
of  i)robity  and  honour  !  " 

"Keep  the  tamborine  a  rowlin'!"  exclaimed  James 
I'igg.  causing  a  roar  of  laughter  throughout  the  court, 
and  i>rocuring  James  tlie  promise  of  a  commitment  from 
his  lordship. 

"And  Jiow,  gentlemen,"  resumed  Mr.  Chargem,  as 
order  was  rfst^red,  "  we  come  to  the  gist  of  the  action, 
as  regards  the  plaintiff.     CapUiin  Doleful  says  he  will 


608  HANDLET   CROSS 

take  tlie  horse.  '  provided,  of  course,  he  is  all  risrht.  H 
cetera.''  That  cf  cetera,  gentlemen,  was  once  described 
by  Lord  Mansfield  as  the  largest  word  in  the  English 
language,  and  assuredly  the  plaintiff  is  of  the  same 
opinion,  for  he  intends  to  make  it  cover  a  most  compre- 
hensive range  over  an  unlimited  period.  That  ef  cetera 
is  to  guarantee  the  hoi-se  from  all  illness  and  infirmity, 
not  only  at  the  time  he  was  sold,  but  for  ever  after, 
under  whatever  treatment  he  may  be  subjected  to,  or  to 
whatever  vicissitudes  exposed.  It  is  to  guarantee  his 
safe  career  over  Bumpmead  Heath  by  day,  his  health  in 
harness  at  night,  and  his  convalescence  in  that  comfort- 
able abode  which  he  enjoyed  iu  common  with  the 
monkey  and  bear  belonging  to  a  travelling  showman. 
(Laughter.)  All  this  is  meant  to  be  covered  by  this 
little  et  cetera  ■' 

"  My  learned  friend,  well  knowing  his  weak  point, 
anticipated  the  faihu-e  of  his  evidence  of  warranty,  and 
bespoke  your  verdict  on  the  suj^posed  terras  of  the 
agreement;  but  I  also  submit,  under  the  guidance  of 
his  lordship,  that,  in  an  action  on  a  breach  of  warranty, 
distinct  and  ]:)Ositive  evidence  of  an  undoubted  warranty 
must  be  given  to  entitle  a  plaintiff  to  recover,  and  no 
constructive  evidence  will  supply  the  place  of  clear  and 
distinct  warranty.  I  grant,  that  if  the  plaintiff  had 
wanted  a  diseased  horse,  he  would  probably  have  asked 
for  one ;  but,  then,  you  must  also  take  this  along  with 
you.  that  if  he  had  applied  to  my  client  for  a  horse  that 
would  stand  all  the  racketing  that  this  poor  beast  was 
exposed  to,  he  would  have  said  that  nothing  but  an  iron 
horse  would  stand  such  work,  and  have  recommended 
him  to  an  engine-builder.  So  that,  even  supposing  my 
learned  friend  had  made  out  a  case  of  distinct  warranty, 
still  I  would  submit  that  the  plaintiff's  treatment  of 
the  animal  was  not  such  as  a  prudent  man  would  adopt, 
and  that  so  far  from  the  result  being  matter  of  surprise, 
it  would  have  been  much  more  singular  if  it  had  not 
happened.  My  learned  friend  places  Mr.  Pigg,  the 
huntsman,  in  the  witness-box  to  prove  his  wai-ranty, 
with  what  success  I  need  hardly  say.  I  think  his 
evidence  went  as  much  against  the  plaintiff  as  for  him. 
Next,  we  have  the  boy  whipper-in,  who  seems  to  come 
in  for  a  share  of  the  whip  himself,  who  speaks  to  a  con- 
versation he  overheard  while  playing  cards  in  the  hay- 
loft ;  and  you  are  expected  to  believe  that  this  boy 
could  distinguish  which  horse  Mr.  Pigg  was  praising, 
when,  upon  his  cross-examination,  he  admits  that  Pigg 


DOLEFUL   )'.   JORROCKS  609 

was  in  the   habit   of  praising  them  all. — 'Best  horse 
goin' ! '  he  used  to  say  of  them  all. 

"After  the  boy  Brady  comes  one  of  those  questionable 
creatures. — a  servant  out  of  place,  who  is  the  only 
witness  that  at  all  goes  to  the  second  point — supposing 
the  warranty  to  be  proved — of  the  horse  being  unsound 
at  the  time  he  was  sold.  And  what  does  he  say  ?  Why, 
that  tlie  horse  coughed  on  his  way  from  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
stable  to  that  of  the  travelling  showman.  Such  evidence, 
I  feel,  will  have  no  weight  with  you,  gentlemen.  A 
hundred  things  might  make  him  cough.  Perhaps  the 
occasional  ^room  had  been  trying  his  wind  by  the 
usual  pinchmg  of  the  windpipe,  or  a  bit  of  hay  might 
have  lodged  in  his  throat;  but  if  the  horse  had  such  a 
violent  cold  upon  him,  do  you  think  it  could  have 
escaped  all  the  lynx-eyed  witnesses  the  plaintift'  had  to 
inspect  him  ?  Is  there  none  of  all  that  numerous  host 
to  come  forward  and  say  that  the  horse  was  unsomid  at 
the  time  he  was  sold  ?  None  but  this  gentleman,  who, 
it  seems.  Mr.  Pigg  would  prefer  being  damned  by  to 
dining  with.     (Laughter.) 

"  Such  evidence  is  not  worth  rebuttiug.  It  woidd  be 
an  insult  to  your  understandings  to  suppose  so.  Mr. 
Horseman  alone  requires  contradiction.  He  has  been 
in  pi-actice  for  the  long  jjeriod  of  three  ye;irs.  and  says, 
from  the  ajtpearance  of  the  horse,  he  has  little  doubt 
but  he  had  the  seeds  of  the  disease  upon  him  when  sold. 
To  rebut  that.  I  propose  x>li^cbig  another  veterinary 
stirgeon  in  the  witness-box ;  and  although  by  so  doing 
I  shall  entitle  my  fi-iend  to  a  reply,  yet  I  feel  his  case  is 
8o  hopelessly  weak  that  I  shall  not  injure  my  client's 
cause  by  throwing  him  the  chance,  confident  as  I  am  of 
obtaining  your  verdict." 

Mr.  Ciistley.  a  veterinary  surgeon  of  ten  years'  stand- 
ing, dei>o8ed  that  he  made  a  post-morlrm  examination 
of  tlie  horse.  The  inngn  jiresented  one  confusi'd  and 
disorganized  niii.sH  of  l)lacknes8.  The  apiK^ariincf  \vo\dd 
lead  the  inexiK'rienced  to  imagine  that  long  inllannua- 
ti<ni  had  gradually  broken  down  the  substance,  of  the 
limgH.  Proves  no  disease  of  long  standing,  but  inflam- 
mation, intense  in  its  nature,  which  liad  speedily  run  its 
conrHC  The  horse  died  from  suH'ocat ion.  (ivcry  portion 
of  the  Inng.-i  l)eing  choked  np  witli  tliis  black  blood, 
whicli  liatl  luoken  into  and  fillcid  all  tlie  air-cells,  by 
means  of  which  it  should  iiave  been  i)urified. 

Two  other  witnesses  spoke  to  the  healthy  ajipcarance 
of  the  horse  at  the  time  he  was  sold. 

R  r 


610  HANDLEY   CROSS 

John  Brown  was  the  next  witness.  He  deposed  that 
he  was  i)ad-groom  to  Mr.  Barninjyton,  a  Cheshire  {gentle- 
man of  largfe  fortune,  who  kept  a  {?ood  stnd  of  hunters 
at  Handley  Cross.  Was  well  acquainted  with  James 
Pigj?  and  with  all  Mr.  Jorrocks's  horses.  Their  stables 
adjoin.  Was  at  exercise  on  the  morning  of  the  sale  with 
James  Pigg.  who  rode  Xerxes  and  led  G-innums.  Never 
heard  the  horse  cough  all  the  time.  Was  out  two  hoiirs. 
Would  have  been  sure  to  have  noticed  it  if  he  had 
coughed.  Grooms  are  alwas's  on  the  look-out  for 
coughs. 

Joseph  Haddock,  a  lad  of  fourteen,  being  sworn,  de- 
posed that  his  mother  was  a  washerwoman,  and  he  turned 
the  mangle  and  sought  the  dirty  clothes  in  a  donkey- 
cart.  Is  well  acquainted  with  Mr.  Benjamin  Brady  the 
whipper-in.  Was  playing  cards  with  him  in  the  hay-loft 
on  'the  morning  of  the  sale.  Mr.  Brady  lost  one  and 
ninepence  and  was  very  angry.  The  game  Avas  blind 
hookey,  and  Mr.  Brady  played  without  intermission  till 
one  o'clock.  Is  quite  certain  Mr.  Brady  never  stopped 
playing  to  see  what  was  going  on  below  or  to  listen. 
Brady  is  a  desperate  gambler.  Will  play  at  anything, 
or  swear  to  anything. 

Cross-examined.—'"  Witness  remembers  the  day,  be- 
cause Mr.  Brady  had  not  paid  him.  Believes  Mr.  JBrady 
had  the  money,  but  insinuated  that  witness  had  clieated; 
quarrelled  in  consequence.  Had  been  very  intimate 
before.  Mr.  Brady  iised  to  let  him  ride  his  led  horse 
when  Mr.  Pigg  was  not  at  exercise.  Used  to  gallop  and 
race  along  the  road.  Owes  Mr.  Brady  money  on  the 
balance  of  their  racing  account.  The  largest  stake  they 
ever  run  for  was  five  shillings,  four  miles  along  the 
A])pledove  Pi,oad.  Mr.  Brady  on  Xerxes  and  witness  on 
Arterxerxes.  Mr.  Brady  won,  but  witness  afterwards 
heard  that  he  had  given  Arterxerxes  a  i:)ail  of  water 
bef'jre  starting,  aiid  he  refused  to  pay.  Had  tossed  for 
choice  of  horses  the  night  before  the  race.  The  case  is 
refei'red  to  the  editor  of  Bell's  Life,  who  has  not  yet 
given  his  decision.  Expects  it  in  the  notice  to  corre- 
spondents. Been  before  the  editor  since  the  si)riug. 
Should  say  that  Mr.  Brady  is  what  they  call  a  '  sharp 
hand'— not  much  the  gent."' 

Bolster  replied  at  great  length,  during  which  ])rocess 
Baron  Botherem  went  through  bis  notes,  preparatory  to 
charging  the  jury.  He  began  almost  before  Bolster  got 
sate  down,  as  if  to  reprove  his  unseasonable  prolixity. 
Thus  lie  instructed  them  : — 


DOLEFUL   r.  JORROCKS  611 

'■  Gentlemen  of  the  jiuT>"  said  be.  "  this  action,  as  yon 
have  heard,  is  bron{?ht  by  Captain  Doleful  against  Cap- 
tain JoiTocks.  both  of  them  filling  distinguished  offices 
at  Handley  Cross  Spa,  one  being  master  of  the  ceremo- 
nies, the  other  master  of  the  blood-hounds ;  and  it  is 
much  to  be  regretted  that  gentlemen  in  their  exalted 
stations  should  not  be  able  to  arrange  their  differences 
without  the  intervention  of  a  judge  and  jury  ;  however, 
as  they  come  here,  we  must  endeavour  to  do  justice  be- 
tween them.  The  action  is  brought  to  recover  the  price 
of  a  hoi-se.  and  the  point  you  will  have  to  consider  will 
be,  first,  whether  there  was  any  warranty  at  all  or  not, 
and  if  you  think  there  was  a  warranty,  then  you  must 
consider  to  what  extent  it  went. 

"The  evidence,  as  usual  in  these  cases,  is  very  con- 
flicting, one  witness  swearing  point  blank  the  reverse 
of  what  another  one  swears. 

"  First,  you  have  James  Pigg.  the  huntsman,  who  in- 
forms us,  in  his  subterranean  language — if,  indeed,  it 
can  be  called  a  language — that  he  said  '  nout,'  which.  I 
snppose,  is  meant  to  imply  that  he  did  not  warrant  the 
horse ;  the  word  '  nout '  doubtless  being  one  of  extensive 
signification  in  the  colliery  country,  from  which  this 
witness  comes. 

'■  Then  you  have  Mr.  Benjamin  Brady — the  whipper- 
in,  I  think  he  is  called— who  says,  'I  was  lying  in  the 
hay-loft,  and  heard  a  conversation  between  Pigg  and 
the  plaintiff,  when  Pigg  distinctly  stated,  two  several 
times,  that  the  hor.se  was  sound  wind  and  limb.'  Then, 
on  his  cross-examination,  he  admits  that  the  plaintiff 
was  in  the  habit  of  cominLr  into  the  stable,  and  asking 
all  sorts  of  questions,  and  that  Pigg  was  in  the  habit  of 
j?iving  the  same  character  to  every  horse ;  so  that,  you 
see,  he  might  be  talking  about  any  of  the  others,  for 
anything  Mr.  Brady  knows  to  the  contrary.  All  this  is 
very  perplexing,  to  say  notliing  of  the  ilat  contradiction 
given  by  the  la.st  witiicsR.  Mr.  Joseph  liaddock,  to  the 
material  point  of  Mr.  Brady's  evidence.  I  may  be  wrong, 
but  they  appear  to  me  to  be  what  would  be — hem,  hum, 
h;iw,— not  exactly  what  they  ought  to  be. 

"  Indeed,  the  only  undisiditf-d  point  seems  the  death  of 
the  horse.  (Jne  veterinary  .surgeon  says  that  he  has  no 
doubt  he  had  the  seed.s  of  diseiise  uj)on  hiui  at  the  time 
he  WHS  sold;  and  the  other,  that  the  8ym|)toma  he  saw 
on  the  poitl-mortcm  examination  prove  nothing  of  the 
sort.  The  i)hiintiff's  occasional  gioom  nwears  the  horse 
coughed  on  his  way  from  the  stable  uu  delivery.    Counsel 


612  HANDLEY   CROSS 

for  tbe  defendant  cross-examined  liim  as  to  his  present 
servitude ;  but  I  do  not  think  anything?  was  elicited  that 
should  throw  discredit  on  the  witness's  testimony.  To 
contradict  him,  then,  I  should  observe,  you  have  John 
Brown,  who  describes  himself  as  '  had  groom  to  Mr. 
Jones.'  It  seems  an  odd  character  for  a  man  to  j?ive 
himself,"  chuckled  his  lordship,  "  but  I  suppose  we  must 
take  his  word  for  it." 

A  titter  ran  through  the  court,  whicli  the  judge,  attri- 
buting to  his  wit,  proceeded. 

"  This  witness  says  he  was  at  exercise  on  the  morning 
of  the  day  of  sale  with  Captain  Pigg,  and  the  horse 
never  coughed;  'I  should  have  been  sure  to  have  noticed 
it  if  he  had,'  he  adds.  So  there  again,  you  see,  the 
evidence  is  at  direct  variance. 

"  Altogether,  it  is  a  most  perplexing  case,  and  one  that 
we,  who  have  passed  our  lives  in  courts  of  law,  are  but 
ill-calculated  to  unravel.  I  would  rather  try  ten  insur- 
ance cases  than  one  horse  cause.  All  I  can  do  is  to  put 
the  points  that  you  will  have  to  decide,  and  leave  you  to 
judge  of  the  worth  of  the  evidence.  The  points  are, 
whether  or  not  there  was  a  warranty,  and,  assunjing 
you  find  there  was  a  warranty,  then  you  must  consider 
whether  the  horse  had  the  seeds  of  disease  upon  him 
when  sold,  or  acquired  them  after  he  had  passed  into  the 
plaintiff's  possesssion.  On  the  other  hand,  if  you  are  of 
opinion  there  was  no  warranty,  then  the  second  point 
will  not  arise,  and  yoin-  verdict  will  be  for  the 
defendant. 

"In  the  event  of  your  finding  for  the  plamtift,  the 
measure  of  damages  will  be  the  price  paid  for  the  horse ; 
and,  haw,  ha,  hem,  I  think,  gentlemen,  that  is  about  all 
the  assistance  I  can  give  you."  Saying  which,  Bai-on 
Botherem    bowed,    and    threw    himself    back    in    his 

throne.  i        .  i 

The  jury  immediately  seized  their  hats  and  coats,  and 
while  the  usher  is  swearing  the  bailiff  to  keep  them  m 
some  safe  place,  without  meat,  drink,  or  fire— candle-light 
only  excepted— till  they  agree  upon  their  verdict,  they 
betake  themselves  from  the  heated  atmosphere  of  a 
suffocating  court,  to  the  chilly,  vault-like  dampness  of 
the  retiring-room  ;  a  rough  deal  table,  with  a  bench  on 
each  side,  is  all  the  accommodation  that  greets  them, 
while  a  single  candle,  showing  the  massive  gratings  ot  a 
lofty  window,  and  the  dull  clank  of  the  lock,  as  the  baihtt 
tunis  the  key  upon  them,  reminds  them  of_ the  import- 
ance of  an  early  agreement  of  their  verdict.     Twelve 


DOLEFUL    V.   JORROCKS  613 

strans-ers  are  thus  left  to  make  each  other's  acquaintance 
by  airivinof  at  tlie  same  conclusion. 


"  Well,"  said  Mv.  Strong,  throwiner  himself  on  the  table 
below  the  window.  "  1  suppose  we  shall  have  no  difficulty 
about  this  case.  We  must  find  for  the  plaintiif,  of 
course." 

Mr.  Strong  was  one  of  the  three  gentlemen  described  in 
the  panel  as  merchants,  and  was  under  oblii^'ations  to  Cap- 
tain Doleful  for  getting  partners  for  his  phiiu  daughters. 

"  I  don't  know  that,"  replied  Mr.  Heartley,  one  of  the 
top-booted  gentry ;  "  I  am  neither  satisfied  that  there 
was  a  warranty,  nor  yet  that  the  horse  was  unwell  when 
he  left  Mr.  Jorrocks's  stable." 

"That's  my  view  of  the  case,  too!"  exclaimed  half-a- 
dozen  voices,  glad  to  follow  a  leader. 

"  Nay.  then,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Strong,  "  I  think  it  seems 
clear,  by  the  evidence,  that  Pigg  warranted  the  horse ; 
and,  that  being  the  case,  the  law  says,  the  owner  is 
bound  by  the  representation  of  his  servant." 

"  I  think  so  too,"  observed  another. 

"  The  evidence  on  that  point  is  very  unsatisfactory," 
exclaimed  two  or  three. 

"  I'm  afraid  we  can't  make  it  any  better,"  replied 
Mr.  Strong. 

"  If  thei-e  was  no  warranty,  there  can  be  no  damages ; 
perhaps  we  had  better  divide  on  that  point  first.  Those 
gentlemen  who  are  of  opinion  t  hat  Mr.  Jorrocks  wai-ranted 
his  horse  will  have  the  kindness  to  hold  uj)  their  hands." 

Mr.  Strong  then  took  the  candle,  and  waving  it  round 
the  gloomy  room,  found  he  had  three  in  liis  favour. 
That  was  not  very  encouraging,  but  lie  had  l)een  in  a 
worse  situation,  and  carried  his  point  after  all,  so  he 
deliberately  set  down  the  candle  and  jtulled  a  book  out 
of  lii.s  pocket. 

Tiiat  looked  ominous. 

Tlie  conversation  was  then  taken  uj)  jiromiscuously, 
tlie  jurymen  Iniddling  in  groujjs,  witli  tlieir  hats  on, 
talking  to  keep  thomselvoB  warm. 

"  Perhaps  we  had  better  have  some  more  candles," 
observed  Mr.  Strong,  looking  off  his  l)otik;  "I  suppose 
we  arn't  stinted  as  to  them." 

"I  should  lio]if  we  won't  want  fliciri,"  obworvod  a 
shivering  youth,  wlio  had  h-i't  hi.s  hat  in  the  .jury-box. 

"  Don  t  know  tliat,"  responded  Mr.  Stiong,  pulling  a 
night-cap  out  of  his  pocket. 


614  HANDIiET   CROSS 

A^ain  tbey  huddle  into  groups,  or  Avalk  linrriedly 
about,  stamping:,  and  clapping  their  arms. 

After  some  half-liour  consumed  in  this  way,  a  kno(!lc 
at  the  heavy  door  arrests  their  attention,  and  the  bailiff 
announces  that  the  judge  desires  to  know  if  they  are 
likely  to  agree  on  their  verdict. 

"Yes!" — "No!" — "Yes!"  respond  lialf-a-dozen  voices, 
which,  the  bailiff  understanding,  informs  his  lordship 
that  they  are  not;  so,  arranging  that  the  verdict  shall  be 
taken  by  the  officer  of  the  court,  his  lordship  awakes  the 
dozing  under-sheriff,  who  rouses  the  drowsy  trumpeters, 
and  as  the  Town  Hall  clock  chimes  twelve,  his  lordshiij 
ari-ives  at  his  lodgings. 

The  :dying  notes  of  the  shrill  trumpets  fall  with  clear 
and  melancholy  cadence  on  the  ears  of  the  pent-uj)  jury- 
men, and  again  the  most  tractable  attempt  an  accom- 
modation. Ml-.  Strong  only  replies  by  winding  up  his 
repeater,  and  striking  the  hour. 

"  It's  as  cheap  sitting  as  standing,"  observes  one  of 
the  jurymen,  taking  his  place  at  the  table,  an  example 
followed  by  the  rest,  to  the  ejectment  of  Mr.  Strong  from 
the  end,  and  the  whole  party  sit  down  as  if  to  a  meal. 

They  now  begin  the  case  anew,  going  through  the 
evidence  with  an  accuracy  considerably  promoted  by 
hunger.  One  o'clock  strikes — two— thi-ee— and  yet  they 
are  as  far  from  agreeing  as  ever.  Day  begins  to  dawn, 
and  at  length  finds  its  way  even  through  the  iron  bars 
of  the  dingy  prison  window. 

The  jury  eye  each  other  like  through  railway  pas- 
sengers eye  those  who  have  got  in  during  the  night, 
and  Mr.  Strong  puts  out  the  candle. 

Mr.  Heai'tley  has  a  jDocketful  of  horse-beans,  which  he 
begins  eating,  offering  them  liberally  to  his  friends,  with 
the  assurance  that  he  has  enough  for  a  week.  Mr. 
Strong  produces  a  cold  tongue,  which  is  in  more  demand, 
and  he  gets  little  himself.  Cold  and  hunger  tell  upon 
his  supporters,  and  at  four  o'clock  he  stands  alone. 

At  half-past  he  gives  in. 

The  joyous  jury  almost  break  the  door  in  awakening 
the  sleeping  sentinel,  and  they  rush  into  court  to  deliver 
their  verdict. 

How  changed  the  scene !  The  heated  hall  is  cleared — 
Mr.  Jorrocks  sleeps  in  the  judge's  chair,  his  wig  is 
awry — James  Pigg  and  the  crier  are  nodding,  back  to 
back  in  the  witness-box — Benjamin  is  curled  up  on  the 
bar-table — and  the  attorneys  and  their  clerks  are  huddled 
together  at  opposite  corners,  lest  they  should  fight  in 


DOLEFUL    V.   JORROCKS  615 

their  sleep.  A  crier  is  found  in  the  bottom  of  the 
reporters'  box— and  the  officer  left  to  take  the  verdict 
heing  summoned  from  his  coffee  in  the  gaoler's  house, 
hun-ies  in  with  Captain  Doleful,  and  hears  a  verdict  for 
the  defendant. 

The  crier  dissolves  the  court,  and  James  Pigg.  frantic 
with  delight,  hoorays,  and  hoops,  and  yells,  and 
proclaims  that  he'll  be  t/ie  death  of  a  sovereign  I 


CHAPTER    LXV 

THE   captain's  WINDFALL 

The  verdict  sank  deep  into  the  heart  of  Captain 
Doleful. 

He  returned  to  Handley  Cross  long  before  people  were 
stirring  ;  but  Miss  Jelly's  watchful  eye  "  traced  the  day's 
disaster  in  his  morning  face."  Taking  to  his  bed,  the 
captain  obstinately  remained  there  for  two  whole  days, 
impervious  to  the  call  of  friends  and  foes.  The  verdict 
was  one  of  the  severest  blows  that  had  befallen  hiia 
in  a  somewhat  eventful  life.  The  price  of  the  horse  was 
nothing  compared  to  the  long  lawyer's  bills  that  were 
sure  to  follow, — a  hundred  and  fifty  pounds,  perhaps. 
Dreadful !  But  for  the  pleasure  of  trouncing  Jorrocks, 
he  could  have  had  the  thing  tried  quite  as  well  in  tlie 
county  court  for  five  pounds. 

Consolation,  however,  came  on  the  third  day,  and  an 
important  change  commenced  in  the  fortunes  of  our 
captain.  Sitting  in  moody  stupor,  with  a  last  week's 
"Paul  Pry"  in  liis  hands.  Miss  Jelly's  little  girl  pre- 
sented hei-self  before  him  with  a  deep  black-edged  letter, 
bearing  the  Clifton  post-mark.  The  captain  started  at 
the  sight,  for  though^  almost  alone  in  tlie  world,  the  sign 
of  mourning  shook  his  sliattered  nerves. 

He  broke  the  seal  with  nervous  hand,  and  read  as 
follows : — 

"  Sir,— We  have  the  honour  to  acquaint  you  that  your 
good  friend  and  our  excellent  client.  Miss  Louisa  Crab- 
stick,  is  no  more; — she  expired  this  morning  at  half-past 
six,  without  pain  or  struggle.  As  her  confidential  advisers, 
we  are  in  a  situation  to  acquaint  you,  that  a  few  days 
since  she  executed  a  will  in  your  favom*,  and  it  is  highly 
important  that  you  should  forthwith  repair  to  the  spot,  and 
take  upon  yourself  the  direction  of  affairs.  Her  property 
is  considerable,  and  we  believe  there  is  a  large  sum  of 
money  and  valuables  in  the  house,  all  of  which  should  be 
looked  to  without  delay.    In  making  this  melancholy 


THE   captain's   WINDFALL  617 

luinoiincenient,  we  bee:  to  oifer  our  cousratulations  on 
yoiir  justly  mei-ited  good  fortune,  and  to  add  that  any 
instructions  yon  may  lionour  us  with  will  be  carefully 
attended  to.  We  liave  the  honour  to  subscribe  our- 
selves, dear  sir,  your  most  obedient  and  very  humble 
■  servants, 

"  Pike,  Lamb,  and  Lambro, 

"  Keen  Street,  Brittol." 

What  a  state  of  excitement  Captain  Doleful  was 
thrown  into  on  reading  this!  A  new  world  seemed 
opening  before  him,  and  he  felt  himself  hurrying  away 
from  the  cares,  the  contentions,  and  the  disappointments 
of  the  old  one.  For  once  a  lawyer's  letter  conveyed  a 
charm.  For  some  moments  he  was  perfectly  childish. 
He  looked  at  the  letter,  then  he  looked  at  himself ; 
then  came  the  recollection  of  former  days,  with  a  slight 
twinge  of  regret  that  one,  to  whom  he  had  poured 
forth  his  whole  soul  in  mercenary  adoration,  should  now 
be  no  more.  That  was  quickly  followed  by  wonderment 
at  getting  the  money,  and  a  hasty  speculation  as  to  the 
amount.  His  head  was  in  a  complete  whirl,  and  he 
ordered  and  ate  half-a-dozen  calves'-foot  jellies  Avith 
api)arent  unconsciousness. 

That  evening  saw  him  off  to  Clifton,  and  surprise 
at  the  unexampled  extravagance  of  his  conduct  having 
tempted  Miss  Jelly  to  cast  a  hasty  glance  at  the  letter 
as  it  lay  on  the  talile  during  the  captain's  absence, 
sorting  his  clotlies,  tlie  confectionei*'s  shop  spread  the 
news  like  wildfire,  and  half-a-dozen  candidates  for  the 
office  of  M.C.  sprung  up  before  the  captain  was  well 
out  of  the  tf»wn. 

Captain  Doloful's  acquaintance  with  Miss  Crabstick 
was  one  of  those  intimacies  that  frequently  arise  where 
people  are  thrown  togetlier  in  watering-place  idleness, 
and  though  considerably  older  than  himself,  he  had  no 
hesitation  in  making  tlie  excess  of  money  balance  the 
excess  of  years.  Miss  Crabstick,  lif)wever,  conscjious  of 
her  wealth,  and  not  desjiairing  of  lier  (iharms,  deter- 
mined upon  trying  another  season  or  two  elsewhere, 
before  yielding  to  the  (•a])tain's  solicitations.  That 
season  or  two  had  been  jirotracted  into  eight  or  t<'n.  and 
the  captain  liafl  almost  ceased  to  think  of  her.  Brighton. 
Cheltenham,  Hastings.  an<l  Clifton  had  all  bcfii  tried 
since  first  they  iiiet  at  Willougliby  Hat  lis.  ami  still 
Miss  Crabstick  tliouLrht  a  season  at  ih.-  (j(;rniaTi  SpuH 
would  supply  the  quid  pro  quo,  or  "equivalent,"  that  slie 


618  HANDLEY  CROSS 

deemed  essential  to  connubial  happiness.  She  died. — 
Her  wealth  was  great,— more  than  people  imagined,  and 
the  captain,  with  the  assistance  of  Pike,  Lamb,  and 
Lambro,  soon  discovered  he  might  swear  the  property 
vinder  twelve  thousand  jjounds,  without  defrauding 
himself. 

He  was  now  a  great  man.  The  M.C.  card-])late  was 
thrown  aside,  and  a  flourishing  new  one  struck,  on  which 
Captain  Doleful  alone  appeared,  in  the  midst  of  a  broad 
melancholy-looking  black  border.  The  captain  was  well 
vip  in  the  world.  His  own  wealth,  added  to  Miss  Crab- 
stick's,  made  a  man  of  him. 

Poor  Miss  Jelly's  lodgings  wei'e  deserted,  and  he 
returned  to  Handley  Cross  to  occupy  the  best  ai^artments 
at  the  Dragon  Hotel.  He  brought  with  him  the  dear 
deceased's  baboon,  three  Angola  cats,  a  paroquet,  and 
a  silver  squirrel,  all  especially  provided  for  by  will,  and 
charged  with  his  attention,  on  forfeiture  of  a  certain  siun. 

Great  was  the  change  in  the  manner  of  the  people. 
Instead  of  the  captain  running  about  the  town  leaving 
cai-ds  on  new-comers,  and  refi-eshing  the  minds  of  the 
old  ones  with  his  name,  notes,  cards,  and  invitations 
poured  in  apace,  and  he  satin  his  rooms  considering  who 
he  should  honour,  and  who  not.  His  wealth  was 
magnified  into  treble  and  quadruple  its  amount,  and 
the  old  ladies  were  astonished  that  so  atti-active  a 
young  man  should  so  long  have  remained  single. — Not 
that  they  wished  for  anything  of  the  sort  now,"  looking 
at  their  daughters.  "  but  before  he  got  all  the  money, 
they  would  have  liked  it  well  enough  ; "  just  as  disin- 
terested old  ladies  will  talk,  though  they  know  nobody 
believes  them. 

So  Doleful  set  up  to  be  cock  of  the  walk,  and  longed 
for  old  JoiTOcks  back,  that  he  might  snub  him. 


CHAPTER    LXVI 

JOBROCKS   IN   TROUBLE 

Doleful's  day  of  triumpli  soon  arrived,  the  monotony 
of  Mr.  JoiTOcks's  summer  life  seeming  likely  to  be  more 
than  compensated  by  the  busy  incidents  of  the  autumn. 
Scarce  were  the  rejoicings  of  his  victory  over  Doleful 
finished,  ere  our  worthy  friend  found  himself  involved 
in  a  more  delicate  and  difficult  dilemma  than  he  had 
ever  yet  known.  The  report  of  the  action  about  the 
horse  havin»  done  ^ood  service  to  the  London  ]>apers  in 
the  dulness  of  autumnal  news,  Mr.  Jorrocks's  conduct 
and  career  had  been  greatly  canvassed  by  cautious 
citizens,  and  amon^  others  by  his  next-of-kin,  with  whom 
our  worthy  friend  had  long  been  on  iu'lifferent  terms, 
or  rather  no  terms  at  all. 

To  the  uninitiated,  the  idea  of  keepintc  a  pack  of 
hounds  is  looked  upon  as  the  surest  proof  of  riches 
or  niin ;  an  opinion  that  is  periodically  confirmed  by 
the  jjapers,  in  announcements  of  the  fjreat  exj)eiise 
certain  estal)li.slimentB  are  kept  up  at,  Leicestershire 
and  NorthauHitonshire  beinj?  rejjresented  as  hunted  at 
an  expense  oi  five  or  six  thousand  a  year,  though  we 
dare  say  the  jiresent  worthy  masters  would  be  glad  if 
they  got  oil  for  tluit. 

The  exj)enHe  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  hounds  was  estimated 
in  a  like  ratio,  tliovigh  they  did  not,  jterliaps,  cost  much 
above  as  many  hundreds.  There  are  two  ways  of  doing 
everything. 

Without  impeaching  the  motives  of  the  pai'fcies,  or 
indeed  alluding  to  thr-m  in  moi'o  tiian  a  general  way.  wo 
may  briefly  stat^^;,  tliat  oiii-  worthy  friend's  jollities  oi' 
eccentricities  at  length  earned  for  liini  a  commiasion  of 
lunacy. 

After  tlie  necessary  preliminaries,  the  CommisHion 
was  opened  in  the  long  room  of  the  (Jrav's  Inn  Coffee- 
house, in  Holborn,  where  the  following  iiiglily  respectable 
jury  were  sworn  to  in(|nire  into  tli*'  infrils  of  the 
allegation  : — 


620  HANDLBY   CR088 

Mark  Stimpson,  Starch- manufacturer,  Pimlico; 

John  Brown,  Greengrocer.  High  Street,  Borough  ; 

Henry  Hobbs,  Feather  and  Court  Head  Dress  Maker, 
Hatton  Garden ; 

Richard  Jones,  Dustmnn,  Edgware  Road; 

John  Lotherington,  Shoemaker,  Margaret  Street, 
Cavendish  Square ; 

Thomas  Coxon,  Poulterer,  Hadlow  Street,  Burton 
Crescent ; 

William  Smith,  Islington,  Toy-shop-keeper ; 

James  Rounding,  Minories,  Cheesemonger; 

Albert  Dunn,  Sweeting's  Rents,  Newsman  ; 

John  Cook,  Pentonville,  Milkman  and  Cowkeeper ; 

George  Price,  Long  Acre,  Gin-shop-keeper  and 
Distiller ; 

John  Shaw,  Covent  Garden,  Fruiterer ; 

Thomas  Boggon.  Whitechapel,  Nightman. 

The  Commission  having  been  read,  Mr.  Mark  Stimpson 
was  elected  foreman  of  the  jviry. 

Mr.  Martin  Moonf  ace,  the  celebrated  Chancery  lawyer, 
and  Mr.  Percy  Snobb  appeared  as  counsel  for  the  inquiry ; 
Serjeant  Horsefield  and  Mr.  Coltman  as  counsel  for  Mr. 
Jorrocks.  Mr.  Jorrocks  apjieared  in  court,  taking  his 
seat  beside  the  learned  serjeant,  with  two  papers  of 
Garraway's  sandwiches  before  him,  one  labelled  "  beef," 
the  other  labelled  "  ham." 

The  long  room  was  crowded  to  excess,  the  greatest 
possible  interest  and  sympathy  being  manifested  by  the 
numerous  auditors  who  thronged  every  part  of  the  house 
where  hearing  room  could  be  obtained.  An  immense 
number  of  persons  airived  from  Handley  Cross,  and  the 
revenue  of  the  Lilywhite  SandRailway  was  considerably 
augmented  in  consequence.  The  usual  preliminaries 
having  been  observed,  and  silence  obtained,  Mr.  Percy 
Snobb  briefly  opened  the  proceedings,  during  which  Mr. 
Martin  Moonface  kept  inflating  his  cheeks,  preparatory 
to  his  own  "  let-off."  Mr.  Snobb  having  finished  and 
sunk  into  his  seat,  and  a  proper  time  having  elapsed, 
Mr.  Martin  Moonface  rose  with  great  solemnity,  and 
addressed  himself,  promiscuously  as  it  were,  in  a  very 
deep  and  sonorous  voice,  thus  : — 

"  I  do  not  know  that  I  can  call  to  my  recollection,"  said 
he,  "  ever  rising  to  address  twelve  honest  Englishmen 
with  such  mingled  feelings  of  gratification  and  regret  as 
I  experience  at  the  present  moment."  Here  he  paused, 
and  ran  his  eyes  along  the  jurymen  to  catch  a  soft  one, 
to  whom  he  could  more  particularly  address  himself. 


JORROCKS   IN  TROUBLE  621 

Having  selected  Mr.  Rounding,  the  cheesemonger, 
whose  ample  bald  head  and  staring  blue  eyes  gave 
sufficient  evidence  of  vacancy,  he  proceeded : — "  Gratifi- 
cation that  I  should  have  the  advantage  of  so  intelligent 
— so  enlightened— so  conscientious  a  jury,  to  weigh  with 
poiseless  balance  the  niceties,  the  delicacies,  the  subtleties, 
the  intricacies  of  this  complicated  case ;  and  regret 
— deep  and  poignant  regret — that  such  a  step  as  the 
present  should  be  found  necessary  against  so  meritorious 
and  amiable  an  individual  as  the  unfortunate  gentleman 
against  whom  I  now  appear."  Here  Mr.  Martin  Moon- 
face  heaved  a  heavy  sigh,  and  looked  at  the  back  of  his 
brief,  on  which  was  marked  "'50  guineas." — "  Believe  me 
when  I  say,  that  nothing  Imt  that  high  sustaining  power, 
the  moral  consciousness  of  doing  right,  could  induce  me 
to  undertake  so  thankless — so  ungi-acious  a  task.  No 
feeling  of  personal  aml^ition,  no  consideration  of  worldly 
aggi-andisement,  could  tempt  me— I  may  say  (and  the 
learned  gentleman  said  it  with  the  most  dignified 
emphasis)  could  tempt  any  member  of  the  honourable 
profession  to  which  it  is  my  pride  and  glory  to  belong. 
to  enter  upon  a  case  where  liis  own  honest,  conscientious 
opinions  did  not  conviiice  him  of  the  propriety  — I  may 
say,  necessity  of  the  step."  Mr.  Moonface  theia  unfolded 
his  brief,  and  proceeded  to  pick  out  the  first  passage 
marked  with  a  score  in  the  margin. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  my  learned  friend,  Mr.  Snobb, 
has  stated  to  you  the  nature  of  the  business  that  has 
called  us  together  this  day,  and  in  doing  so,  he  ])roperly 
confined  himself  to  the  siiuplo  outline  usually  confided 
to  young  gentlemen  entering  tlie  profession,  lojiving  to 
me  the  duty  of  substantiating  the  case  and  tilling  up 
the  narrative  in  detail.  The  name  of  the  gentleman 
whose  state  of  mind  you  are  tliis  day  called  ujion  to 
consider,  as  my  learned  friend  has  already  tuld  you,  is 
JorrockH,head  of  tiie  firm  'Jorrocks  and  (Jo.,' tea  dealers 
and  grocers,  in  the  City  of  Londoii;  and  in  liis  com- 
mercial relations,  I  am  free  to  admit,  tliat  his  cliaracter 
and  conduct  are  not  only  irreproachable.  l)ut  cxemi)lary 
in  the  highest  degree.  Still,  as  is  generally  found  to  be 
the  case  in  these  iufiuiricH.  the  blamcjless  tenor  of  his 
grocer's  life  is  mixed  up  with  a  strong  iindercMrn'ut  of 
eccentricity,  which  has  long  been  observal)!"- ;  and  as 
the  murmuring  riil,  strengthened  by  tributary  streams, 
rolls  on  with  growing  strength  until  its  force  attracts 
the  notice  of  the  world,  and  calls  for  measureB  to  restrain 
the  torrent  of  it.-i  iui|jetuo.iity,  so  Mr.  .Jorrocks'a  oddity 


622  HANDLET   CROSS 

has  gone  on  increasing  until  the  present  inquiry  has 
become  absolutely  and  indispensably  necessary.  And 
let  uie  here  observe,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  that  the 
more  futile  and  absurd  the  chimera  that  obtains  posses- 
sion of  a  man's  mind,  the  stronger  and  more  forcible  is 
the  argument  in  favour  of  the  restraining  measure;  for, 
assuredly,  the  farther  an  unhappy  infatuation  removes 
a  man  from  the  occupation  of  trade  and  the  pursuits  of 
a  rational  being,  the  stronger  and  more  urgent  is  the 
necessity  for  supplying,  through  the  medium  of  a  next- 
of-kin,  the  deficiency  that  calamity  has  occasioned. 

"  I  may  at  once  admit  that  the  delusion  under  which 
the  unfortunate  gentleman  labours  is  one  of  great 
novelty,  and  one  that  I  have  experienced  very  consider- 
able difficulty  in  making  )nyself  sufficiently  acquainted 
with  to  enable  me  to  descriloe  to  you.  You,  gentlemen, 
if  I  mistake  not,  are  tradesmen,  living  in  tlie  heart  of 
this  great  metropolis,  and,  like  myself,  have  passed  your 
lives  in  honest,  industrious  callings,  in  perfect  ignorance 
of  the  way  that  men  remote  from  towns  contrive  to 
waste  that  time  which  to  us  is  so  valuable  and  productive. 
You  will  hardly  credit  me,  I  dare  say,  but  I  speak  under 
the  correction  of  my  learned  friends  on  the  other  side,  who 
will  put  me  right  if  I  err  in  the  detail— you  will  hardly 
credit  me,  I  say,  when  I  tell  you,  that  in  some  counties 
of  England  large  assemblies  of  dogs  are  annually  made, 
sometimes  as  many,  I  am  told,  as  fifty  or  sixty  dogs — " 

"  'Ounds,  you  fool !  "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  from  the 
opposite  side  of  the  table,  indignant  at  the  unsportsman- 
like appellation. 

"  Gentlemen !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Martin  Moonface  in 
astonishment.  "  I  call  your  attention  to  the  unfortunate 
gentleman.  I  think  his  conduct  might  wai-rant  the 
closure  of  the  business,  even  at  this  early  stage  of  the 
proceedings,  but  if  you,  gentlemen,  are  not  so  fully 
satisfied  in  your  minds  of  the  situation  that  he  is  in  as 
to  render  tlie  further  prosecution  of  the  case  needless,  I 
must  call  on  the  Commissioners,  in  the  exercise  of  the 
power  Avith  which  they  are  invested,  to  afford  me  the 
protection  and  freedom  from  interruption  to  which  I  am 
entitled  in  the  discharge  of  this  most  painful  and  difficult 
duty."  [Mutual  shakes  of  the  head  and  nods  having 
passed  between  the  gentlemen  at  the  end  of  the  table  and 
Mr.  Moonface,  and  Serjeant  Horsefield  having  remon- 
strated in  an  undertone  with  his  client,  Mr.  Moonface 
smoothed  down  his  feathers  and  harked  back  to  the 
point  at  which  he  was  interrujjted.] 


JORROCKS  IN  TROUBLE  623 

■■  1  was  observing^,  geutlemeu  of  the  jury,"  said  he. 
ag^ain  eyeing  the  cheesemonfrer.  "  that  in  some  parts  of 
the  country  annual  hunts  take  phice,  for  which  large 
gatherings  of  dogs  are  made,  and  assemblies  of  people 
are  to  be  found.  How  long  this  custom  has  prevailed  is 
immaterial  to  the  present  inquiry,  but  I  believe  I  am 
instructed  to  say,  that  so  far  back  as  the  year  1812,  Mr. 
JoiTocks  took  an  active — I  may  say,  a  prominent  part,  in 
the  festivals— for  such,  I  believe,  is  their  character,  that 
have  been  held  in  the  county  of  Surrey. 

■'  1  should  further  infonn  you,  in  relation  to  these 
fiites,  or  festivals,  that  a  master  or  manager  of  the  revels 
is  annually  chosen  by  ballot  or  otherwise,  and  the  person 
so  elected  has  the  absolute  government  of  the  dogs  and 
their  doings  during  the  period  of  his  elevation.  Accom- 
panying Mr.  JoiTOcks  onward  then  from  his  prominent 
though  subordinate  situation  in  the  county  of  Sun-ey, 
we  at  length  find  him — I  think  it  was  in  the  course  of 
last  winter — elected  the  premier  of  a  festival  (here 
Serjeant  Horsefield  intimated  in  a  whisper  tliat  the 
technical  term  was  hunt) — ^I  thank  my  learned  friend," 
continued  Mr.  Moonface, — "  hunt  is  the  term — elected 
the  ]n-emier  of  a  hunt,  called  the  Handley  Cross  Hunt, 
and  it  is,  gentlemen,  his  doings  in  thatca|)acity  that  you 
are  more  particularly  called  upon  to  examine,  to  form  an 
opinion  oi  the  soundness  or  imsonndness  of  his  undei*- 
standing. 

"  I  do  not  know  tliat  I  am  in  'a  situation,  nor  is  it 
perhaps  material  to  the  present  inquiry,  to  ex]ilain  the 
nature  of  the  duties  connected  with  the  office  of  a  hunt- 
master;  but  it  must  be  apparent  to  you  all,  that  if  .a 
person  accepts  a  situation  so  totally  dissimilar  to  his 
usual  avocations,  considerable  detriment  must  arise  to 
liis  private  affairs;  and,  perhaps,  it  is  not  possible  to 
imagine  two  things  more  unlike  tlian  the  calm,  reflective 
genius  of  a  gi'ocer's  business,  and  the  noisy,  l)oisterous, 
clamorous— riotr)Us,  I  may  say,  accompaniment  of  a  liunt 
management.  Not  only  are  the  two  occupations  totally 
incompatiljle,  but  their  natural  consequences  are  utterly 
dissiiiiilar;  for  one  is  the  honest  course  of  sober  industry, 
pointing,  with  cheering  hand,  to  that  brigiilest,  nol)Iest 
Huniuiit  of  all  mei'cantile  ambition,  the  pOKsession  of  tiie 
lord  mayor's  gildnd  coafli  and  s'X,  with  gliltoiiug 
trumpeters  and  men  in  armour,  while  llieotiiei'  jjoints 
downwards  upon  tinliallowed  scenes  of  riot  and  confusion, 
days  made  JKirriblc  with  yolling,  and  nights  spent  amid 
the  wildest,  the  nio.st  uuiuofital^le  di'baiiciiery. 


624  HANDLEY  CROSS 

"Thus,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  arises  the  cause  of  the 
present  inquiry.  The  promoters  of  it  say  that  Mr. 
Jorrocks  is  neglectiucf  his  business,  and  dissipating  his 
means  in  mad  and  imnatural  pursuits;  while  the  law 
says,  and  wisely  does  it  say  it,  that  a  man  is  not  to  be 
permitted  to  waste  his  substance  in  idle,  wild,  and  un- 
profitable speculations;  and  when  acts  are  committed 
which  militate  against  good  sense,  it  becomes  the  duty 
of  those  who  are  interested  in  the  preservation  of  a 
family  to  call  twelve  honest,  enlightened,  conscientious 
men  together  to  consider  the  acts  that  have  been  com- 
mitted, and  to  ask  of  themselves  whether  they  are  the 
acts  of  a  man  blessed  with  sound  discretion,  or  the  acts  of 
one  who,  though  shrewd  and  intelligent  in  many  respects, 
is  yet  visited  with  some  imfortunate  weakness  that 
tends  to  nullify  and  destroy  all  the  other  faculties  of 
which  he  may  be  in  possession. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,  it  becomes  my  duty  to  explain  that 
there  are  two  sorts  of  idiots,  one  the  natural-boni  fool, 
that  hath  no  understanding  from  his  nativity,  and  there- 
fore is  by  law  presumed  never  likely  to  attain  any  ;  and 
the  other  a  lunatic,  or  one  non  compos  mcntia,  who  hath 
understanding,  but  who,  from  disease,  grief,  brandy-and- 
water,  or  other  accident,  hath  lost  the  use  of  his  reason. 
That  great  man  and  commentator,  Judge  Blackstone, 
says,  '  A  lunatic  is  one  who  hath  lucid  intervals  ;  some- 
times enjoying  his  senses,  and  sometimes  not,  and  that 
frequently  depending  upon  the  change  of  the  moon.'  Sir 
Edward  Coke,  another  great  legal  luminary,  places 
under  the  head  of  non  compos  mentis  not  only  lunatics, 
but  all  persons  under  frenzies.  I  would  particularly 
direct  the  attention  of  the  jury  to  that  term,  conveying, 
as  it  does,  a  nicer  definition  of  what  may  be  considered 
sufficient  to  deprive  a  man  of  the  custody  of  his  affairs 
than  any  other  that  I  am  acquainted  with.  '  Not  only 
lunatics,''  says  the  learned  judge,  'but  all  persons  under 
frenzies'— iiiW  persons,  in  fact,  suffering  from  distraction 
of  mind,  alienation  of  understanding,  or  any  violent 
passion,  for  such,  I  take  it.  is  the  meaning  of  the  word 
frenzy. 

"In  all  times,  under  all  circumstances,  the  preserva- 
tion of  a  man's  property  has  been  considered  worthy  the 
attention  of  a  civilized  government.  By  the  Roman 
law,  if  a  man  hy  notorious  prodigality  was  in  danger  of 
wasting  his  estate,  he  was  looked  upon  as  non  compos, 
and  committed  to  the  care  of  curators,  or  tutors,  by  the 
pra3tor :  '  Solent  prsetores.  si  talem  hominem  invenerint, 


JORROCKS   IN   TROUBLE  625 

qui  iieqiie  tempus  neque  finem  expensaram  habet,  sed 
bona  sua  dilaceraudo  et  dissijjaiido  profundit,  ciiratorem 
ei  dare,  exemplo  furiosi:  et  tamdiu  erunt  ambo  in  cura- 
tione,  quamdiu  vel  furiosus  sanitateni.  vel  ille  bonos 
lucres,  receperit.'  And  by  the  laws  of  Solon  such 
prodigals  were  branded  with  perpetual  infamy. 

"  Gentlemen,  the  promoters  of  this  inquiry  are 
actuated  by  none  but  the  purest,  the  best  of  motives; 
they  do  not  seek,  by  a  lonf?  retrospective  search,  to 
expose  the  foibles  of  the  luifortunate  object  of  the 
inquii-y,  to  brand  him  with  idiotcy  froui  his  birth,  or  to 
disturb  those  commercial  transactions  with  which  his 
name,  in  connection  with  the  firm  to  which  he  belongs, 
has  blended  him  :  all  they  ask  is  to  dissolve  the  ridiculous 
establishment  of  which  he  is  the  head,  and  to  cancel  the 
obligations  that  may  have  arisen  out  of  it. 

"  I  have  already  stated,  that  in  the  autumn  of  last 
year  Mr.  Jorrocks  allowed  himself  to  be  dubbed  the 
Master  of  the  Handley  Cross  Hunt ;  and  it  is  from  that 
jjeriod  that  we  seek  to  annul  his  transactions,  and  to 
declare  his  incompetency  to  manage  his  affairs.  A 
violent,  a  sudden,  an  uncontrollable  frenzy  seems  to 
have  seized  him  at  the  time  ;  for  not  only  did  he  neglect 
his  warehouse,  but  absolutely  shut  up  his  house  in 
Great  Coram  Street— a  house  that  I  am  instructed  to 
say  is  superior  to  any  in  that  street — and  took  one  in 
the  town  of  Handley  Crf)ss,  in  order,  as  he  said,  to  be 
nearer  the  Hunt.  His  acts  there  became  of  the  wildest 
and  most  eccentric  description:  he  arrayed  liimself  in 
a  scarlet  coat  with  a  blue  collar,  something  like  a  general 
postman's,  and  rode  about  the  country,  sui'rounded  by 
dogs,  whnoi)ing  and  holloaing,  and  blowing  a  horn :  he 
converted  tlie  festivals,  which  had  formerly  been  few 
and  of  periodical  occurrence — something,  I  presume, 
like  the  Ejiping  Hunt,  of  which  you  all  have  probably 
lieai'd — he  convei-ted  them,  I  say,  into  a  regular  down- 
right matter  of  daily  business,  and  whoever  did  not  join 
him  wiis  treated  with  contempt,  and  if  any  one  over 
whoso  land  he  trespassed  in  riotous  confusion  dared  to 
remonstrate,  he  was  laughed  to  scorn,  or  threatened 
with  violence. 

"  I  can  hardly  fxi>ect  yon  to  crcdil  the  assertion,  tliat 
men  moving  in  the  higher  wiilks  of  life. —men  to  wJiom 
the  public  are  wont  to  l(;ok  for  ijn'tojjt  and  example, 
abandoned  their  lawful  callings  ami  tiic  elegances  of 
life,  and  joined  thn  infatuat«.nl  train  of  this  unfortunate 
gentleman.    Train- bands  of  men  in  scarlet  moved  about 

S    8 


626  HANDLEY  CROSS 

the  country,  striking  terror  into  the  minds  of  elderly 
ladies,  and  disturbing  the  peaceful  course  of  husbandry 
and  trade.  Wherever  it  was  known  that  one  of  these 
field-meetings  was  to  be  held,  it  was  made  in  open 
defiance  of  the  statute  against '  riots,  routs,  or  unlawful 
assemblies  ' ;  trade  was  suspended,  and  the  plough  stood 
still.  If  any  one  were  inclined  to  censure  the  present 
proceedings,  or  stigmatize  it  as  an  act  of  harshness  and 
severity,  I  would  here  entreat  him  to  pause  and  consider 
the  position  in  which  this  deluded, — this  unhappy 
individual  has  been  placing  himself  and  his  followers. 
So  far  from  continuing  of  that  opinion,  I  think  he  will 
bail  it  as  one  of  the  brightest,  most  beautiful  blessings 
of  our  jurisprudence,  that  the  law  steps  in  through  the. 
medium  of  a  next-of-kin,  and  rescues  a  man  from  the 
consequences  of  his  own  ixnhappy  rashness.  The  waste- 
ful, profligate  expenditure  of  his  substance  is  not  the 
only  charge  against  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  he  has  outraged  the 
law  of  the  land,  and  sought  the  vengeance  of  offended 
justice. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  continued  Mr.  Martin 
Moonface,  very  slowly  and  deliberately,  "  Jorrocks  is,  to 
all  intents  and  purposes,  a  rioter.  So  far  back  as  the 
year  1797.  if  there  is  any  truth  in  Chitty's  Criminal  Law, 
a  person  was  indicted  for  the  ancient  and  apparently 
harmless  custom  of  kicking  about  footballs  on  Shrove 
Tuesday  at  Kingston-upon-Thames ;  and  surely  that 
will  bear  no  comparison  with  the  military  spectacles 
that  this  gentleman's  eccentricity  has  lately  presented 
to  the  astonished  county  in  which  they  took  place.  The 
law  upon  the  case  I  take  it  to  be  quite  clear.  It  says, 
when  three  persons  or  more  shall  assemble  themselves 
together,  with  an  intent  mutually  to  assistone  another 
in  the  execution  of  some  enterprise  of  a  private  nature 
to  the  manifest  terror  of  the  people,  whether  the  act 
wei-e  of  itself  lawful  or  unlawful — mark  that,  gentlemen, 
I  pray  you — whether  the  act  were  of  itself  lawful  or 
unla^vful,  if  they  only  meet  to  such  a  purpose  or  intent, 
although  they  shall  after  depart  of  their  own  accord, 
without  doing  anything,  this  is  an  unlawful  assembly  ; 
and  if  aftei-  their  first  meeting  they  shall  move  forward 
towards  the  execution  of  any  such  act,  whether  they  put 
their  intended  purpose  in  execution  or  not,  this,  accord- 
ing to  the  general  opinion,  is  a  rout ;  and  if  tliey  execute 
such  a  thing  indeed,  then  it  is  a  riot.  In  Clifford  v. 
Brandon.  2  Caiiiijbell,  page  370,  Chief  Justice  Mansfield 
laid  it  down,  that  if  any  person  encourages,  or  i>romotes, 


JORROCKS   IN   TROUBLE 


627 


or  takes  part  in  riots,  -vvhetber  by  words,  si^ns.  or 
gestures,  or  by  weariug  tbe  badge  or  ensigu — mark  that, 
gentlemen— by  wearing  the  badge  or  ensign— Avhich 
assuredly  all  the  followers  of  this  unfortunate  individual 
did.  to  wit,  scarlet  coats  with  blue  collars — he  is  himself 
to  be  considei'ed  a  rioter ;  for  in  this  case  all  are 
principals.  So  that  you  see  Jorrocks  has  not  only  placed 
himself  in  jeopardy,  but  all  those  whose  wildness.  weak- 
ness, or  wickedness  induced  them  to  join  the  phalanx 
round  his  standard. 
■'  What  was  the  cause  of  its  supineness  I  know  not, 


but  govpi-nnient  certainly  permitted  these  outrages  ;  and 
during  the  whole  of  last  winter,  up  to  the  very  outburst 
of  spring,  Mr.  Jorrocks  continued  this  extraordinary 
career,  without  let.  suit,  molestation,  hindrance,  or  inter- 
ruption. Dnriiig  the  whole  of  that  time  he  never  once 
visited  the  City  of  London,  or  his  comiMiu'cial  concerns 
in  St.  Boto]i)h's  Lane,  or  seemed  to  recollect  (hat  he 
had  anytliing  to  attend  to  but  these  hunt-festivals  or 
meetings. 

■'The  exijense  of  the  establishment  is  wiiolly  iucal- 
fiilable,  embracing,  ;i8  it  does,  items  of  most  miscel- 
laneous and  extraordinary  description — hay,  straw,  corn, 
Ijeans,  bran.  cuiTy-cotnbH,  dandy-bru.sho.s,  brooms,  balls, 
pails,     pitcliforks,    whipcord,    coals,    wood,    oil,    uitrc. 


628  UANDLEY   CROSS 

sulphur,  Epsom  salts,  oatuieal,  liorse-tlesh,  farrier, 
saddler,  wheelbarrows,  soap,  linen,  and  a  hundred  other 
items. 

"  Nor  ^vere  Mr.  Jorrocks's  eccentricities  and  extrava- 
gances confined  to  the  day-time.  I  am  instructed  that 
]3ublic  dinners  were  held,  at  which  he  was  in  the  chair, 
avowedly  for  the  purpose  of  promoting  and  organizing 
these  illegal  meetings  ;  speeches  were  delivered  in  praise 
of  them,  songs  were  composed  in  hononi'  of  their  doings 
by  day,  and  night  brought  no  rest  to  the  unquiet  spirits 
that  reigned  triumphant  at  Handley  Cross. 

"  Sjjring,  it  appears,  puts  an  end  to  these  hunt- 
festivals  or  meetings ;  and  one  Avould  naturally  infer, 
that  with  the  close  of  them  would  end  the  tomfoolery 
of  the  business.  Not  so  Avith  Mr.  Jorrocks.  He  con- 
vened a  public  meeting  of  all  the  disorderly  inhabitants 
of  Handley  Cross,  and  delivered  a  speech  or  lecture  in 
praise  of  himself  and  his  doings,  and  in  eulogy  of  the 
unaccountable  annisement  that  has  brought  him  into 
this  unhappy  position.  It  is  true  that  other  matters 
were  mixed  up  in  his  speech;  but  the  very  jumble  of 
which  it  was  composed  bears  evidence  of  a  highly  dis- 
ordered imagination,  and  he  stated  that  his  feelings  on 
the  point  were  too  acute  to  admit  of  his  adhering  closely 
to  the  text  he  had  prescribed  for  his  oration. 

"  After  this,  Mr.  Jorrocks  retiu-ned  to  his  house  in 
Great  Coram  Street,  and  resumed  his  attendance  in  St. 
Botolph's  Lane  with  his  former  punctuality,  to  the  great 
joy  of  his  friends,  who  began  to  flatter  themselves  that 
he  had  fairly  got  over  his  frenzy  ;  when,  unfortunately, 
it  broke  out  with  redoubled  violence.  The  first  symp- 
toms of  it  were  visible  on  the  morning  of  the  2nd  of 
October.  He  had  been  taking  his  usual  ride  in  the 
Regent's  Park,  when  the  sight  of  some  black  and 
blighted  dahlias,  hanging  their  heads,  and  drooping  in 
all  directions,  completely  upset  his  philosophy.  It  was 
not  the  sudden  destruction  of  these  bright  and  many- 
coloured  beauties  that  struck  the  feeling  chord  of  a  too 
sensible  imagination,  and  conjured  iij)  mournful  reflec- 
tions on  the  precarious  tenure  of  all  earthly  endear- 
uients,  for  far  different,  I  grieve  to  say,  were  his  thoughts 
on  that  occasion.  '  Hurrah  !  blister  my  kidneys  ! '  ex- 
claimed he  in  delight,  '  it  is  a  frost ! — the  dahlias  are 
dead  ! '  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  continued  Mr.  Martin 
Moonface,  throwing  up  his  arms,  and  putting  himself  in 
the  attitude  of  a  spread  eagle,  "  can  you  imagine  a  sane 
man    indulging   in    such    an  exclamation  on  such  an 


JOKROCKS   IN   TROUBLE  629 

occasion  ?  '  Huvrali !  blister  iny  lvi(lne}'s  !  it  is  a  frost ! 
—the  dahlias  are  dead  ! '  And  so.  because  Jenkins's 
dahlias  were  cut  down  by  the  frost.  Jorrocks  saw  cause 
to  rejoice  at  the  circumstance— unfortunate  individual ! " 

"  You  are  another  indiwidual !  "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
in  a  racfe  at  Ijeing  considered  a  subject  for  Mr.  Martin 
Moonface's  pity. 

[The  Commissioners  interpose  with  erreat  .gravity, 
amid  the  uproarious  lautirhterof  the  spectators;  and  Mi'. 
Jorrocks  eyes  Mr.  Martin  Moonface  as  thoncfh  he  would 
eat  him.] 

"Well,  then,  prentlenien  of  the  jury,  as  I  was  observ- 
ing:, the  sifirht  of  these  weather-stricken  dahlias  had 
such  an  effect  upon  his  imaerination— and  awful,  indeed, 
is  it  to  contemplate  such  a  visitation — that  instead  of 
pursuing  his  ride,  as  he  was  wont  to  do.  one-and-twenty 
times  round  the  inner  circle,  he  immediately  turned  his 
hoi-se's  head  towards  home,  ate  a  hurried  lireakfast,  and 
set  off  by  the  Lilywhite-sand  Railway  for  Handley 
Cross,  without  grivinf^  the  slijrhtest  intimation  to  his 
poor  distracted  wife,  whose  feelings  niay  be  imagined 
but  can  never  be  descriljed,  and  without  sendinf?  any 
notification  whatever  to  his  ]ja.rtners  in  St.  Botolph's 
Lane.  Three  bills  of  exchantre,  to  a  larcre  amount,  were 
presented  for  i)ayment  that  day.  one  beinp  for  oatmeal 
supplied  at  Handley  Cross,  of  which  his  partners  knew 
nothintr;  and  the  consequence  was  that  a  protest 
l)ecame  necessary,  to  tlio  injury  alike  of  his  private 
<'haracter  and  his' mercantile  r.^))utation.  True  it  is  that 
the  following?  day  he  wrote  a  few  hurried  lines,  orderintir 
his  servant,  Benjamin  73rady,  to  be  sent  down ;  and  I 
will  now  ])roceed  to  relate  tlie  jiurjiose  for  which  he 
wanted  him,  and  it  is  hence  that  the  jjresont  intiuiry 
more  immediately  oriffinates.  It  apiicars  that  by  some 
imaccountable  mystery  the  siprht  of  these  withered 
dahlias  liad  conjured  up  recoliectionB  of  the  hunt- 
festivals  of  the  i)reviouH  winter,  and,  det^irmininp:  to 
eclipse  all  his  former  doings,  he  had  ponr;  down  to 
Handley  Cross  to  inHj)ect  a  iiuniorouH  pro'^'i'ny  of  pup- 
nies  that  he  had  had  scattei-ed  aVtout  th<'  counti-y.  wliidi 
ne  intended  to  add  to  the  extensive  retinue  of  the  pre- 
vious season,  and  which  a  man  he  has  in  his  jiay,  called 
PiK^',  had  Ix-en  left  in  tin-  fli;ir(,'c  of. 

"On  his  arrival  at  Handley  Cross,  it  appcarfd  that  a 
disease  had  l)rokf'n  out  anionj^f  the  liorK(!S  of  tli.it  place, 
which  ended  in  the  deaths  of  vci-y  many.  Anions 
others,  Mr.   Flasher,  the  gentleman    ooaciiman  of    the 


680  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Handley  Cross  '  True  Bhie  Spankaway,'  lost  eig'hteen  ; 
Mr.  Giles  Eden,  a  post-master,  lost  ten;  Mr.  Duncan 
Nevin,  four;  and  various  other  people  lost  smaller  num- 
bers, amounting?,  in  the  apfgregate,  to  fifty-three.  Now 
it  would  ajjpear,  so  far  as  any  deduction  can  be  drawn 
from  the  conduct  of  individuals  in  the  unhappy  state  of 
this  imfortunate  f^'entleniau,  that  on  leaving  home  it 
was  his  intention  to  return  either  the  same  or  on  the 
following  day ;  bnt,  hearing  of  the  deaths  of  these 
horses,  had  altered  his  determination,  and  he  resolved 
to  endeavour  to  turn  the  misfortunes  of  others  to  some 
advantage  to  himself;  and,  certainly,  he  adopted  a 
system  that  no  one  but  himself  would  ever  have  thought 
of.  He  commenced  a  negotiation  with  the  owners  of 
the  dead  horses— fifty-three  in  number,  I  beg  you  to 
remember — and  bought  np  the  whole  at  an  average  of 
nine  shillings  and  sixpence  a  head,  hide  and  all.  And, 
gentlemen  of  the  jnry,  what  do  you  think  he  did  with 
them  ? — buried  them  under  apple-trees  ? — retailed  them 
to  cat's-meat  mongers  ? — dragged  them  away  to  distant 
places  to  rot  without  tainting  the  air  ?  No  such  thing  ! 
He  skinned  and  stacked  them  for  winter  use!— actually 
stacked  the  dead  bodies  of  fifty-three  horses  that  had 
died  of  disease  in  the  precincts  of  the  town  of  Handley 
Cross  !  Was  there  ever  such  a  thing  heard  of  P  I  ask, 
was  it  likely  such  a  thing  could  be  tolerated  ?  Certainly 
not !  The  authorities — the  churchwardens,  overseers, 
constables,  &c..  interfered — a  fracas  took  place  between 
them  and  Mr.  .Jorrocks  and  his  men,  Avhile  in  the  act 
of  stacking,  which  ended  in  the  stackers  being  captured 
and  taken  before  the  magistrates  of  Handley  Cross. 
The  sequel  of  the  story  it  is  needless  to  trouble  you 
with.  Your  intelligent  minds  cannot  require  more  than 
evidence  of  the  facts  I  have  imperfectly  laid  before  you 
to  enable  you  to  arrive  at  the  only  conclusion  that  is 
open  on  such  an  occasion.  Remember,  gentlemen,  this 
is  not  a  case  entailing  on  any  party  the  infliction  of 
punishment  from  the  law ;  it  is  a  simple  question  of 
domestic  policy,  performed  in  public,  for  the  safety  of 
the  subject.  We  ask  you  to  save  this  unfortunate 
gentleman  from  himself,  and  from  the  consequence  of 
his  own  acts — in  fact,  to  save  him  from  ruin,  and  keep 
him  in  affluence.  After  the  patient  attention  with  which 
you  have  honoured  me,  I  cannot  for  a  moment  doubt 
that  the  circumstances  I  have  related  have  made  the 
impression  on  your  minds  that  they  must  have  ma.de  on 
the  minds  of  every  one  open  to  conviction ;  and  though 


JORROCKS   IN   TROUBLE  631 

you  might  not  consider  tlie  exhibition  he  made  o£  him- 
self as  master  of  the  hunt  revels,  the  profligate  expen- 
ditui'e  of  his  substance  in  support  of  his  fictitious  dignity, 
the  tenor  of  his  lectures,  taken  singly,  of  sufficient 
weight  to  warrant  you  in  depriving  him  of  the  manage- 
ment of  his  aii'airs,  yet,  collectively,  that  they  are  amply 
sufficient,  even  without  that  great,  that  crowming  feat  of 
all — the  stacking  of  dead  horses — to  the  danger  of  the 
lives  of  her  Majesty's  liege  subjects. 

"  With  your  permission,  then,  I  will  proceed  to  call 
witnesses  to  substantiate  the  statements  I  have  made." 

The  Commissioners  here  intimated  they  would  like  to 
retire  for  a  few  minutes,  and  during  their  absence  the 
court  became  a  scene  of  great  uproar,  Mr.  Jorrocks 
protesting  at  the  to])  of  his  voice  against  the  whole 
proceedings,  inquiring  most  emphatically,  "  'Ow  vas  I  to 
know,  wen  I  stacked  the  "osses,  that  it  was  a  going  to 
turn  'ot  weather  again  ?  "  The  return  of  tlie  Commis- 
sioners restored  silence,  who  having  got  settled  in  their 
seats,  Mr.  Moonface,  with  great  dignity,  exclaimed,  "  Call 
Tony  Lumpkin;  "  whereupon  a  diminutive  apology  of  a 
man  skipped  into  the  witness-box,  and,  being  sworn, 
proceeded  to  give  evidence,  of  which  the  following  is  the 
material  outline  : — Is  a  tailor  at  Handley  Cross  and 
Cranbourne  Alley,  London;  has  had  an  establislnuent 
in  the  former  place  about  thi-ee  years.  Rememl>evs  Air. 
Jorrocks's  enti-y  into  Handley  Cross  when  he  came  to 
take  possession  of  the  hounds,  and  heard  his  speech 
from  the  Ijalcony  at  the  Dragon  Inn — understood  the 
general  purport  of  it,  but  not  the  detail.  Made  him  a 
sky-blue  coat  lined  with  i)ink  silk,  and  two  pair  of 
canary-coloured  shorts  ;  also  changed  the  green  collar  of 
a  scarlet  coat  into  a  blue  one — understood  the  green 
collar  was  tlie  costume  of  some  other  hunt.  Often  saw 
him  going  out  with  the  hounds,  but  never  accompanied 
him — has  no  curi<wity  th.'it  way.  Might  iiave  forty  or 
fifty  dogs  witli  iiim  at  a  tiuK;,  oh'  dill'crent  colours — 
prevailing  colour,  he  tliinks,  was  drab — there  might  be 
Bome  buff  ones  among  them. 

Cross-e.xamined.— Had  a  quarrel  with  Mr.  Jorrocks 
after  he  made  tlie  rlolhes;  not  beciiusi!  Mr.  Jorrocks 
considered  tiieiu  ill-inado,  lnit  because  lie  insisted  on 
witiiCKS  going  out  t(}  hunt.  Cannot  i-idc.  Wns  i>aid  for 
the  clothes,  less  the  tliKcouut.  \)\(l  i\{)t  consider  Mr. 
Jorrocks  insane  because  lie  ]ni\(\  for  tiiem.  Never  said 
he  was  ci;icked  or  insane.  Made  sky-blue  coats  and 
canary-coloured    shorts     for     many    other    gentlemen. 


632  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Perliaps  thirty  or  thirty-five  others.  Some  paid,  some 
didn't— lived  in  hope.  Some  of  tlie  hounds  niiu:l)t  be 
hlne-  Thinks  there  were  no  green  ones  among  tliem, 
but  is  not  sure. 

Re-examined. — Might  have  said  Mr.  Jorroclcs  was 
flighty.     Meant  that  he  rode  fast ;  not  that  he  was  mad. 

Miss  Sniffle,  a  maiden  lady,  was  next  sworn. — Lives  at 
Handley  Cross,  and  has  done  so  for  the  last  twelve- 
month, for  the  benefit  of  the  waters.  Keeps  a  pony 
chaise  and  a  boy  to  drive  it.  Boy  wears  a  gold  band, 
and  a  red  stripe  down  his  trousers;  many  buttons  like 
peppermint- drops.  Remembers  the  13th  of  December; 
was  coming  along  the  Appledove  Road,  and  met  an 
immense  procession ;  many  men  in  scarlet,  some  in 
black,  bxit  most  in  scarlet ;  was  dreadfully  alarmed. 
There  might  be  an  hundred  horsemen ;  never  saw  such  a 
sight  in  her  life.  Mr.  Jorrocks  rode  second  in  the  pro- 
cession. A  man  in  a  black  velvet  cap  and  a  scarlet  coat 
rode  a  little  in  advance  of  him.  Mr.  Jorrocks  wove  a 
broad-brimmed  hat.  Did  not  see  the  hounds ;  might 
have  been  there  without  her  observing  them. 

Cross-examined. — Was  staying  at  Handley  Cross  for 
the  benefit  of  the  waters,  she  said,  not  for  the  benefit 
of  a  husband ;  does  not  want  one.  Is  on  her  oath,  and 
swears  she  was  dreadfully  alarmed.  Was  alarmed  at 
the  whole  thing,  not  at  Mr.  Jorrocks's  winking  at  her 
as  she  passed.  Did  wink  at  her  certainly.  Swears  she 
did  not  drive  in  that  direction  to  meet  the  hounds. 
Could  have  turned  back  when  she  saw  them  coming, 
but  her  presence  of  mind  forsook  her.  Would  not  say 
whether  she  had  ever  been  foi-saken  before  or  not. 
Never  said  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  mad.  Came  there  to  state 
her  alarm.  Would  he  alarmed  at  a  herd  of  cattle. 
Open  to  alarm  genei'ally. 

Re-examined. — Had  heard  Mr.  JoiTocks  was  deranged. 
Thinks  her  maid  told  her  first.  Believes  Miss  Dumpling's 
maid  told  her  maid,  or  Miss  Freezer's  maid  told  Miss 
Dumpling's  maid,  who  told  her  maid.  Might  have  said 
she  thought  his  attics  badly  furaished.  Meant  it  in  the 
literal  sense  if  she  did  say  so. 

Peter  Savoy,  a  market-gardener  and  greengrocer, 
sworn  and  exauiined.— Lives  at  Mountjoy,  five  ir.iles 
from  Handley  Cross,  where  lie  occupies  garden  ground 
and  a  field  or  two.  Remembers  the  24th  of  December. 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  hounds  met  at  the  toll-bar  on  the  Cadby 
road.  Witness  was  working  among  liis  winter  cabbnges, 
when  his  attention  was  attracted  to  the  cry  of   dogs. 


.« 

N 


^ 


t 


.TORROCKS   IN   TROtTBLE  633 

which  grew  louder  and  louder;  presently  three  or  foiir 
entered  the  t^arden  at  the  east  end,  near  where  there  is 
a  Avateriugr-place  for  cattle,  and  almost  at  the  same 
moment  a  loud  crash  amoni?  the  e;lass  at  the  other  end 
attracted  his  notice,  and  he  saw  a  man  in  a  black  cap 
and  scarlet  coat,  and  a  brown  horse,  over  head  in  a 
melon-frame.  Ran  to  take  the  man  for  the  trespass. 
and  seized  him  by  the  collar,  when  the  man  struck  him 
a  violent  blow  in  the  face  and  made  his  nose  bleed.  Mr. 
JoiTOcks,  who  had  come  up  in  the  meantime,  stood 
erect  in  his  stirrups,  lookinsr  over  the  fence  just  by  the 
melon-frame,  encoura,i!rin,£r  the  man,  and  blowinof  a  horn 
to  drown  his  cries  for  assistance.  Has  no  doubt  what- 
ever he  would  have  been  killed  but  for  the  timely  arrival 
of  help. 

Cross-examined. — The  man  was  not  on  the  horse 
when  he  saw  them  in  the  melon-frame.  Would  apjiear 
to  have  thrown  a  somerset,  and  parted  company  in 
flying  over  the  fence.  Will  swear  it  was  a  man  and  not 
a  boy.  The  blow  was  heavy  and  stunned  him.  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  appeared  to  be  encouraging  him.  crying, 
"  Have  at  him.  my  beauty  !  have  at  him,  my  darling  !  " 
and  blowing  his  honi.  Xever  told  Tom  Straw,  the 
ostler  at  the  '*  Dragon,"  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  kept  crying, 
"  Go  it,  Binjamin !  Go  it,  Binjamin ! ''  Was  not 
present  at  the  meet  of  the  hounds  in  the  morning. 
Never  was  at  one.  Had  never  either  hunted  or  gambled 
in  his  life.  The  melon-frame  was  much  injured.  Had 
not  been  paid  the  damage  in  full.     The  account  was  dis- 

{mted.  If  it  had  been  discharged,  does  not  know  th.at 
16  might  not  have  licen  there.  Will  not  swear  that  he 
was  in  fear  of  his  life.  Had  liad  many  conversations  with 
Mr.  Jorrocks  on  tiie  subject  of  the  melon-frame,  but 
never  could  ol)tain  any  tinal  satisfaction.  Does  not 
know  what  tin;  iiounds  were  aft<-r,  or  that  a  fox  had 
passed  througli  his  gaiden.  One  of  the  objections  Mr. 
Jorrocks  made  to  pay  the  price  he  set  upon  his  melon- 
frame  was.  that  the  witness  liad  lost  tliem  tlie  fox  by 
stopping  his  man.  Shoidd  say  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  not 
"all  tliere,"  though  Ik;  would  not  go  so  far  as  to  say  he 
was  mad. 

James  Greenwood.  Is  one  of  tlio  keeijers  of  the 
Regont's  Park.  Lives  at  the  Park  Crescent  Lodge,  and 
tlip  inner  (tircle  is  within  the  bounds  of  his  jurisdiction. 
Knows  Mr.  Jorrocks  well,  ami  lias  l)een  acqu;iinted 
witli  iiim  for  many  yoars  -  porliaps  t<'n  f»r  a  dozen.  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  ha.s   been   in  (Ik-  li:il>it   of  riding  in  the  inner 


634 


HANBLEY  CROSS 


circle  all  that  time,  almost  every  morning  throughout 
the  summer  season.  Generally  conies  in  about  seven 
o'clock,  getting'  on  a  little  later  as  the  autumn  advances. 
Canters  round  and  round,  perhaps  eight  or  ten  times, 
and  then  walks  his  'oss  away.  Witness  has  often  con- 
versed with  him,  generally  before  he  began  cantering, 
or  after  he  was  done.    The  canter  might  have  been  a 


:E^^#^'' 


gallop.  Does  not  know  the  difference.  Had  never 
received  any  complaints  against  Mr.  Jorrocks  for 
furious  riding.  Once  had  a  complaint  against  him  for 
winking  at  a  nursery-governess.  Believes  he  winks  at 
the  nursery-maids;  but  witness  does  not  consider  it 
any  business  of  his.  Their  conversation  is  generally 
about  dogs  and  'osses.  Understands  he  has  a  great 
collection  of  dogs  somewhere.  Once  offered  witness  a 
mount  to  go  out  with  the  Surrey;  but  witness  cannot 


JORROCKS   IN   TROUBLE  035 

ride.  Considers  Mr.  Jorrocks  a  very  agreeable  gentle- 
man. Remembers  bim  once  riding  bis  'oss  into  tbe  ring 
witb  a  blanket  under  tbe  saddle.  Told  witness  tbe  'oss 
had  the  tic-douloureux.  Tbe  blanket  was  folded  when 
be  entered  tbe  ring,  but  Mr.  Jorrocks  let  it  down  about 
tbe  'oss's  sides  before  be  began  to  canter.  Remembers 
the  morning  of  tbe  2nd  of  October.  There  bad  been 
a  sbarp  frost  during  tbe  night,  and  tbe  leaves  of  many 
of  the  shrubs  bad  changed  colour  in  consequence.  It 
was  a  fine  bright  morning,  and  Mr.  Jorrocks  overtook 
him  on  tbe  bridge  by  the  Archery  ground,  as  witness 
was  on  bis  way  to  the  inner  circle.  They  began  talking 
about  the  frost.  Mr.  J.  t bought  it  bad  not  been  so 
severe  as  witness  represented.  Witness  showed  him  a 
cheri7-tree,  the  leaves  of  which  were  quite  red,  also  a 
purple  beech  that  had  turned  copper  colour.  Mr. 
JoiTOcks  seemed  much  pleased,  and  as  they  entered  the 
circle  be  exclaimed,  as  be  looked  over  tbe  nursery- 
gi-ound  palings.  "  Hurrah !  blister  my  kidneys,  it  i.f  a 
frost:  tbe  dalilias  are  dead!"  Did  not  continue  his 
ride,  but  after  a  pause  of  a  few  seconds  gave  witness 
half-a-crown,  and  cantered  away.  Had  not  seen  him 
again  until  be  met  him  on  the  stairs  of  this  court.  ^ 

Cross-examined.— Many  gentlemen  canter  their  'osses 
round  and  round  tbe  Regent's  Park,  but  not  many 
round  the  inner  circle.  Never  tliougbt  tbere  was  any- 
thing odd  in  Mr.  Jorrocks  doing  so.  When  witness 
told  Mr.  Jorrocks  tbe  nursery-governess  bad  complained 
of  bis  winking  at  ber,  be  said  be  did  it  to  clear  tlie 
circle  of  ber,  for  .she  was  so  bugly  she  frightened  his 
'o88.  The  nursery-maids  are  all  fond  of  Mr.  Jorrocks, — 
he  generally  carries  liarley-sugar  in  bis  jjockcts  for  tbe 
children.  Does  not  know  whether  it  is  in  the  sbai)e  of 
kisses  or  not.  Many  old  gentlemen  wink  at  tbe  maids 
—some  pinch  them  in  passing.  Does  not  know  that 
pinching  is  altogether  right,  but  should  not  interfere 
without  a  complaint.  Witness  thinks  it  was  a  reddi.sb- 
coloured  'oss  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  said  had  the  tic- 
doulonrenx.  Grooms  are  not  allowed  to  exercise  'osses 
in  clothing  in  the  Regent's  Park.  Thinks  it  probable  an 
'oss  would  sweat  soonor  witb  a  blanket  about  it  than 
witliout  one.  Does  not  know  tbo  object  of  sweating 
an  'oss.  Mr.  Jon-ocks  never  talked  to  witness  about 
dahlias,— has  heard  him  in(|uire  after  the  potato-toi)8, — 
asked  whether  they  were  black  or  not.  Seemed  always 
very  anxious  for  winter  has  heard  him  say,  if  he  had 
his   own   way,    he    would    strike    summer    out    of    tbe 


030  HANDLET  CROSS 

almanack.  Once  proposed  to  witness  that  tliey  shonld 
piiljlisli  an  almanack  between  them,  and  omit  summer 
altopfether, — said,  in  a  general  way,  summer  was  merely 
inserted  as  a  sort  of  compliment, — three  'ot  days  and  a 
thunderstorm  beint?  the  general  amount  of  an  English 
summer.  Never  considered  Mr.  Jorrocks  mad — mad 
gentlemen  generally  walk  in  cloaks, — some  ride,  and 
have  their  keepers  on  'oss-back  in  livery  after  them, — 
those  are  of  the  richer  class.  Does  not  suppose  every 
gentleman  he  sees  with  a  groom  insane,  but  considers 
it  suspicious.  Sets  every  man  he  sees  in  the  Regent's 
Park  in  a  cloak,  down  for  mad,  and  no  mistake.  Sees 
a  good  many  mad  gentlemen  in  the  course  of  the  yeai — 
they  chiefly  live  in  the  Alpha  Cottages  on  the  west  side 
of  the  Park.  Considers  Mr.  Jori'ocks  quite  the  reverse 
of  insane. 

John  Strong. — Is  constable,  and  one  of  the  church- 
wai-dens  of  the  parish  of  St.  James,  Handley  Cross. 

Remembers  the  3rd  of  October, .    Michael  Brown, 

one  of  the  churchwardens,  called  upon  him.  and  told 
him  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  of  London  was  down,  and 
employing  carts  to  collect  all  the  dead  horses,  and  that 
they  wei*e  leading  them  to  Grant's  paddock,  just  at  the 
l)ack  of  the  Methodist  chapel.  Went  together  to  inspect 
the  premises — found  carts  coming  in  from  all  qiiarters 
with  dead  horses,  and  three  or  four  men  skinning  them. 
Mr.  Jorrocks  was  not  pi-esent.  Witness  returned  to  his 
house,  and  after  a  consultation  with  the  other  church- 
wardens, wrote  Mr.  J.  the  following  note  : — 

"  The  churchwardens  of  the  jjarish  of  St.  James, 
Handley  Cross,  present  their  respectful  compliments  to 
Mr.  Jorrocks,  and  having  heard  that  you  have  bought 
all  the  dead  horses  in  Handley  Cross,  desire  to  be 
informed  what  purpose  you  intend  putting  them  to. 

"  Your  humble  Servant, 

"To  J.  JoEEOCKs,  Esq."  "  JohN  StRONG. 

Sent  the  beadle  in  his  gold-laced  coat,  cocked  hat,  and 
staff,  with  it.  He  found  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  the  paddock, 
superintending  the  stacking  of  the  carcases,  which  were 
placed  one  upon  another  like  a  stack.  Mr.  Jorrocks 
having  read  the  note,  took  a  pencil  out  of  his  pocket- 
book,  and  wrote  at  the  bottom  : — 

'■  Soup !  Soup ! 

■'  Yours,  &c., 

"J.  J.," 


JOKEOCKS  IN   TROUBLE  637 

and  re-directed  the  note  to  the  churchwardens.  Witness 
and  the  other  churchwardens  made  a  second  visit  of 
inspection  about  three  o'clock,  and  finding  the  stack 
was  getting  very  high,  wrote  a  second  note,  headed  : — 

"  Victoria  Rex. 

'■  The  churchwardens  and  overseer  of  the  parish  of  St. 
James.  Handley  Cross,  hereby  require  you  to  desist  and 
abate  the  nuisance  you  are  now  creating  in  Grant's  ])ad- 
dock,  by  stacking  sundry  dead  horses,  or  he  will  ijroceed 
against  you  according  to  the  form  of  the  statute  in  that 
case  made  and  provided,  and  against  the  peace  of  our 
Sovereign  Lady  the  Queen,  her  crown  and  dignity. 

(Signed)        "  John  Strono, 
'■  M.  Brown, 
"T.  Hoggins, 

"  To  Mr.  J.  JoREOCKB."  "  Churchwardens. 

Witness  sent  this  note  per  beadle,  in  state,  as  befoi-e. 
who  found  the  stuck  neai-ly  finished,  and  a  man  and  a 
Ijoy  dressing  olf  the  top  with  horses'  heads.  Mr.  J.  took 
tlie  note  as  before,  and  wrote  at  the  bottom  : — 

"  You  be 

"  Yours,  &.C., 

"J.  J.," 

saying,  as  he  handed  it  back,  "  Peace  of  our  Sovereign 
Lady  the  Queen,  indeed  !  Wictoria  must  have  a  werry 
good  nose  if  she  can  wind  tliis  at  Windsor." 

The  special  constables  were  then  called  out,  and  after 
a  desperate  conflict,  succeeded  in  capt\u-ing  Mr.  Jorrocks, 
James  Pigg,  and  Benjamin. 

Crf)88-examincd. — There  had  been  a  sharp  frost  at 
Handley  Cross  for  two  or  three  days  before  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks's  ariival. — seemed  as  if  we  were  going  to  liave  an 
early  winter.  The  mortality  among  the  horses  was  very 
sudden,  tliey  all  died  within  a  short  time  of  each  other. 
Had  au  idea  that  Mr.  Jorrtjcks  was  buying  the  iiorses  up 
to  feed  his  hounds  upon.  Don't  •.inderst;ind  about  hounds. 
Does  not  know  how  m;iny  hounds  he  keeps,  or  wliether 
they  could  eat  a  horse  fr»r  breakfast,  another  for  dinner, 
and  another  for  supper.  Will  not  swear  that  Mr.  Jori'ocks 
bought  the  whole  fifty-three  horses  that  died— knows  that 
there  were  a  great  many  by  tlie  size  of  the  stack.  It  was 
in  the  usual  form  of  a  corn-stack,  and  th(f  slope  on  the 
t^)p  was  formed  of  horses'  heads  out  lengthways,  so  that 
the  rain  might  loin  off  down  tueir  noses.     Was  very 


638  HANDLEY  CROSS 

cleverly  made.  Had  a  novel  appearance.  Many  people 
came  to  see  it.  Flesh  may  keep  a  month  or  six  weeks,  Init 
Avitness  does  not  know  that  it  will.  Supposing  the  hounds 
to  consume  three  horses  a  day,  and  the  flesh  to  keep  for 
a  month,  does  not  know  that  Mr.  Jorrocks's  act  was 
otherwise  than  prudent. 

Sebastian  Mello,  whose  name  had  been  called,  and 
bellowed,  and  vociferated  upstairs  and  down,  and  along 
the  passages  after  the  examination  of  each  witness, 
having  announced  his  arrival  by  sending  his  card  uji- 
stairs  by  a  powdered  footman,  vacated  his  brougham, 
and,  proceeding  upstairs,  tendered  himself  for  examina- 
tion on  behalf  of  the  promoters  of  the  inquiry.  Sebastian 
was  got  up  with  uncommon  care,  and  the  most  scrupulous 
nicety.  His  yellow  silken  locks  flowed  over  his  coat-collar, 
exhibiting  the  boldness  of  his  forehead  and  the  regularity 
of  his  features.  He  was  dressed  in  studied  black,  with  a 
snow-white  cravat,  whose  tie  entwined  among  the  four 
lace  frills  of  a  curioiTsly-wrought  shirt-front.  He  wore 
lace  ruffles  at  his  WTists,  and  a  massive  diamond  ring  on 
his  right-hand  little  finger,  and  a  beautiful  pearl  one  on 
his  left,  while  the  corner  of  a  richly  embroidered  cambric 
handkerchief  peeped  from  the  breast-pocket  of  his  coat. 

Mutual  salutations  being  exchanged  between  Mr. 
Moonface  and  Mr.  Mello,  the  former  began  his  exami- 
nation with  the  following  inquiry  : — 

"  You  are,  I  believe,  Mr.  Sebastian  Mello,  a  physician 
in  very  extensive  practice  at  Handley  Cross  Spa?  " 

"  I  am,"  replied  Mr.  Mello,  with  a  slight  inclination  of 
the  head. 

"  And  you  have,  I  believe,  resided  there  for  a  consider- 
able length  of  time  P  "  continued  Mr.  Moonface. 

"  I  have,"  answered  Mr.  Mello. 

"  In  short,  you  am  the  principal  resident,  or  head  of 
the  place,  I  believe  P  " 

';  I  am,"  said  Mr.  Mello. 

"  Now  then,  sir,  would  you  have  the  kindness  to  tell 
the  jury  what  you  know  respecting  the  imfortunate 
gentleman,  Mr.  Jorrocks,  whose  case  we  are  met  here 
to  inquire  into  P  " 

"Excuse  me,  sir,  if  before  I  answer  your  inquiry  I  take 
the  liberty  of  correcting  your  description  of  the  person 
referred  to.  If  the  individual  you  allude  to  is  John 
Jorrocks,  whom  I  see  sitting  there,"  looking  at  Mr.  J. 
with  great  disdain,  "  I  should  say,  a  person  conducting 
himself  as  he  had  done  is  unworthy  the  flattering  appel- 
lation with  which  you  have  honoured  him." 


JORROCKS  IN   TROUBLE  639 

■■  True,"  observed  Mr.  Moonface;  "  but  for  the  sake  of 
brevity,  perhaps  you  would  condescend  to  waive  that 
point,  and  inform  us  what  you  know  about  him." 

"  Know  about  him  !  "  replied  Mr.  Mello,  with  a  toss  of 
his  flowingr  head  and  a  curl  of  liis  lip;  "I  real) j' know 
nothings  about  him,  further  than  that  he  is  a  ^reiit  nuis- 
ance. He  came  to  Haudley  Cross  the  beginning  of  last 
winter,  ever  since  when  the  place  has  been  in  a  state  of 
tumult,  and  the  religious  portion  of  the  community  sadly 
scandalized  and  tenibly  annoyed.  For  my  own  part 
I  have  suffered  all  sorts  of  indignities  at  his  hands. 
Besides  his  ravenous  hounds,  he  keeps  a  pugnacious 
peacock  that  kills  all  the  poultry  in  the  place. 

"  He  took  it  into  his  head  to  stroll  every  day  -with  his 
flock  of  dogs  and  seiwants  into  the  open  immediately 
below  the  front  of  my  house,  where  he  would  stay  for 
hours,  surrounded  by  all  the  rift'-raff  and  irreligious 
people  of  the  place.  Because  I  stated  that  my  piety  was 
outraged,  he  got  a  wild-beast  show  established  there,  and 
paid  the  band  five  shillings  for  every  hour  they  played 
after  nine  o'clock  at  night.  The  anonymous  letters  1 
received  were  extraordinarily  numerous,  and  full  of  the 
most  insulting  expressions  :  and  when  I  refused  to  take 
them  in,  baskets  and  boxes  began  pouring  in  by  the 
railway  and  coaches,  containing  dead  cats,  donkey 
haunches,  broken  dishes,  and  other  rubbish.  I  never 
saw  John  Jorrocks  out  liunting,  but  I  understand  his 
general  conduct  is  of  the  most  extraordinary  and  extra- 
vagant descrijjtiun,  and  his  proceedings  subversive  of 
morality  and  true  religion — only  to  be  palliated  on  the 
score  of  downright  insanity.  I  consider  him  a  mis- 
chievous maniac." 

"  You're  a  warmint! "  gi'owled  Mr.  JoiTocks,  stufl&ng  a 
ham  sandwich  into  his  mouth. 

"  Go  it,  Ned  I  "  continued  lie  in  the  same  strain,  as  Mr. 
Moonfa<;e,  liaving  extracted  as  much  as  lie  wanted  <>iit 
of  the  doctor,  sat  down,  in  order  to  let  his  "leaiiuMl 
friend"  endeavour  to  counteract  what  he  had  said,  liy 
cross-examination. 

"  And  so  you  aie  a  nliysician  in  a  great  way  of  prac- 
tice, are  you?"  drawled  Mr.  Coltman,  throngli  his  nose, 
in  a  careless,  colloquial  sort  of  style,  as  if  lie  meant  to 
have  a  good  deal  of  conversation  with  Mello  before  he 
was  done. 

"J  am,"  replied  Sebastian  Mello,  with  a  slight  tinge  of 
red  oil  his  countcuuiicp, 

"  You  are  sure  of  that  'f ''  asked  Mr.  Coltman,  carelessly 


6-iO 


HANULEY   CROSS 


turniug  over  tlie  pages  of  his  brief,  as  if  lie  were  tbinkiiig 
of  sometliing  else. 

"  I  am,"  replied  Mr.  Mello. 

"You  are!"  rejoined  Mr.  Coltinau,  looking  liiiu  full 
in  the  face.  "  Now,  sir,"  said  he,  very  slowly,  "  do  you 
mean  to  assert  that  H  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  have 
ever  taken  a  degree  ?  " 

"I  mean  to  assert,  sir,  that  I  am  a  physician  in  full 
practice." 


A  PBEbENT  TO   DR.   MELLO 


"  Will  you,  on  your  oath,  sir.  say  that  you  are  a  regu- 
larly quaiilied  and  admitted  physician  ?  On  your  oath, 
sir.  will  you  say  it?" 

Mr.  Sebastian  Mello  was  silent. 

"  Will  you,  sir,  swear  ?  "  continued  the  inexorable  Mr. 
Coltman,  "that  you  have  any  diploma,  save  wbat  your 
own  assurance  and  the  credulity  of  your  patients  has 
confened  upon  you  ?  " 

Mr.  Mello  was  silent. 


JORROCKS   IN   TROUBLE  641 

Mr.  Coltnian.  thvowint?  out  his  bands,  made  a  panto- 
mimic appeal  to  the  jury  with  his  eyes,  and  then,  with  a 
wave  of  his  head,  motioned  Mr.  Mello  to  retire. 

"  Werry  srood,"  frrowh^d  Mr.  Jorrocks,  thrusting  the 
last  ham  sandwich  into  his  mouth. 

This  was  the  case  of  the  promoters ;  and  a  waiter,  with 
a  napkin  twisted  round  his  thumb,  having  whispered 
something  in  the  ear  of  the  Chief  Commissioner,  the 
learned  gentleman  looked  at  his  watch,  and  immediately 
adjourned  the  con  ft. 


T  t 


CHAPTER  LXVII 

THE   COMMISSION    RESUMED 

The  court  resumed  its  sittings  next  morning  at  nine 
o'clock  precisely,  and  as  soon  as  the  doors  were  open 
such  a  rush  of  people  forced  their  way  in,  that  every  seat 
and  place  was  occupied,  and  some  time  elapsed  ere  room 
was  obtained  for  the  counsel  and  professional  gentlemen 
engaged  in  the  inquiry.  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  accommodated 
with  a  seal  in  the  reporters'  place,  immediately  behind 
his  counsel.  The  jury  liaving  all  answered  to  their 
names,  and  silence  being  at  length  obtained,  Serjeant 
HorsefieLl  rose  to  address  the  jury.  He  spoke  in  so  low 
a  tone  of  voice  at  the  commencement,  that  it  was  with 
difficulty  the  reporters  could  ciitch  what  he  said;  but, 
with  his  usual  urbanity,  he  obligingly  supplied  the 
deficiency  by  revising  their  repoiis. 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  "if  my  learned 
friend,  Mr.  Mai-tin  Moonface,  with  his  splendid  talents 
and  vast  acquirements,  rose  under  circumstances  of  diffi- 
culty and  embarrassment,  how  much  greater  miist  be 
my  perplexity,  in  introducing  myself  to  your  notice,  to 
attempt  to  gi-apple  with  and  rebut  the  grave  and  volu- 
minous charges  with  which  his  speech  has  loaded  the 
inquiry,  standing  as  I  do  without  the  manifold  advan- 
tages of  which  my  learned  friend  is  so  pre-eminently 
possessed  ?  The  learned  gentleman  well  observed,  that 
nothing  but  that  high  sustaining  j)ower— a  moral  con- 
sciousness of  right— could  induce  any  member  of  our 
profession  to  undertake  the  conduct  of  a  case,  and  I 
claim  for  myself  the  same  degree  of  credit  for  a  similai- 
assertion  that  my  learned  friend  bespoke  for  himself.  I 
ask— I  implore  you,  gentlemen  of  the  jury— I  beseech 
you,  as  enlightened — as  able— as  conscientious  citizens, 
to  regard  my  assertions  and  my  protestations  of  sincerity 
in  the  same  light— and  give  them  the  same  weight  that 
you  have  given  to  the  assertions  and  asseverations  of  my 
learned  friend."  Here  the  learned  gentleman  made  a. 
long  pause. 

At  length  he  resumed.  "In  opening  this  great  and 
important  case— great,  I  may  call  it,  for  it  involves  the 


THE   COMMISSION   RESUMED  643 

liberty  of  many  of  the  aristocracy  of  this  country,  and 
important  it  most  certainly  is,  as  rej^ards  the  position 
of  my  most  respectable  client — my  learned  friend,  Mr. 
Martin  Moonf  ace,  introduced  Mr.  Jorrocks  with  an  exor- 
dium upon  the  singularity  of  his  name.  I  will  not  imitate 
the  example  of  my  learned  friend,  or  speculate  on  the 
diifei-ence  a  change  of  name  might  have  produced,  but  1 
will  endeavour  closely  and  sedulously  to  apply  myself, 
and  the  best  energies  of  which  I  am  possessed,  to  the 
real  merits  and  peculiarities  of  the  case.  As  mercantile 
men,  you  are  doubtless,  many  of  you,  acquainted  with 
the  exalted  position  occupied  by  my  client  in  the  com- 
mercial world ;  and  if  I  can  show — as  show  I  believe  I 
undoubtedly  can — that  the  amusement  which  he  now 
follows  is  not  incompatible  with  the  honest,  industrious 
habits  and  occupations  of  a  British  merchant.  I  feel 
confident  I  shall  receive  a  verdict  at  your  hands.  My 
client,  as  you  may  see,"  pointing  to  Mr.  Jorrocks  in  the 
reporters'  place,  "  is  one  whose  heyday  of  youth  has  been 
succeeded  by  the  autumn  of  maturer  years ;  and  shall  I 
surmise  for  one  moment  in  the  presence  of  a  jury,  drawn 
from  the  very  heart  of  this,  the  first  city  of  the  world — 
that  a  man  entering  trade  binds  hiuiself  irrevocably  to 
the  counter — with  no  bright  i)rospect  of  affluence  and 
ease  to  gild  tlie  evening  of  his  days,  flitting  in  the  vision 
of  bis  mental  liorizonP  Is  a  'youth  of  labour'  no  longer 
to  be  crowned  '  witli  an  age  of  ease  '  ?  Are  the  toils,  the 
cares,  the  speculations,  the  enterprises  of  a  British  mer- 
chant to  end  but  with  his  death  P  Is  trade,  in  sliort,  to 
be  regarded  as  but  another  mime  for  perjjetual  slavery? 
That,  gentlemen,  is  the  real  question  in  its  pure,  unadul- 
terated form,  divested  of  the  technicalities — freed  from 
the  mystifications  and  jargon — with  which  my  learaed 
friend's  logic  and  eloquence  have  attempted  to  envelope 
it.     How  stands  the  matter? 

"  Five-and-thirty  years  ago,  my  client,  Jolm  Jorrocks, 
entered  the  firm  of  Grubbins.  Muggins,  l*<;tts.  Crow, 
and  Tims,  wholesale  grocers  in  St.  Botolph's  Lane.  Mr. 
Jorrocks  was  then,  gentlemen,  just  out  of  his  a]»])ientice- 
ship,  which  lie  had  served  witli  sucli  credit  to  liiniseif 
and  satisfaction  to  the  firm,  that  tliey  took  liim  into 
partnership  the  moment  they  were  able,  and  llu;  firm 
then  became  Gnibbins,  Muggins,  Potts,  Crow,  Tims,  and 
JoiTocks.  Gentlemen,  Grubbins  and  Muggins  sliortiy 
after  paid  the  delit  of  nature  ;  but  so  great  was  flie  atten- 
tion and  ability  of  my  client,  tliat,  instead  of  adding  tlie 
number  these  dei>lorable  events  de^jrived  the  firm  uf,  by 


644  HANDLEY   CROSS 

fresh  partners,  Crow  and  Jorrocks  divided  the  duties  of 
one  partner  between  them,  and  took  in  Mr.  Simpkins, 
who  had  long  filled  the  office  of  Avestern  traveller,  and 
the  partnership  deed  was  then  drawn  ont  in  the  names 
of  Potts,  Crow,  Tims,  Jorrocks,  and  Simpkins.    I  need 
not  follow  my  respectable  client  through  the  long  laby- 
rinth of  years  that  followed,  or  through  the  weary  mazes 
of  commercial  transactions  and  speculations  which  throve 
under  his    auspices ;— suffice  it  to   say,  that  revolving 
years  found  Mr.  Jorrocks  constant  and  sedulous  at  his 
warehouse,  until  the  man  who  entered  as  the  junior 
partner  of  the  house  stood  at  the  head  of  a  firm  so  long 
and  so  extensive,  that  it  became  necessary  to  condense 
its  name  nnder  the  title  of  Jornxrks  and  Co.    I  will  give 
my  learned  friend  the  benefit  of  the  admission,  that  for 
many  years  my  client  was  in  the  habit  of  devoting  his 
Saturdays  to  what  Mr.  Moonface  calls  hunt-festivals,  and 
I  will  also  give  him  the  benefit  of  the  admission  that  the 
county  of  Surrey  was  the  arena  of  his  operations.    So 
far  back  as  during  the  management  of  Mr.  Maberly,  my 
client's  name  appears  as  a  subscriber  to  the  Surrey  Hunt, 
and  the  sauie  punctuality  of  payment  characterizes  this 
matter  that  characterizes  all  his  other  transactions.    My 
learned  friend  commenced  with  a  broad  general  rule, 
that  any  man  following  a  pursuit  at  variance  with  trade 
must  necessarily  follow  it  to  the  detriment  of  the  former, 
forgetting  all  the  while,  that  though  in  trade,  Mr.  Jor- 
]-ocks  is  so  far  independent  of  it  as  to  be  able  to  recreate 
himself,  how  and  when  he  pleases,  just  as  though  he  never 
had  anything  to  do  with  it.     But,  gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
though  you,  and  I,  and  Mr.  Martin  Moonface,  may  not 
be  aware  of  it,  I  am  instructed  to  state  that  liunting  is 
not  only  compatible  with  trade,  but  may  even  be  followed 
with  advantageous  results." 

"So  it  may!"  exclaimed  Mr.  JoiTOcks;  "so  it  may! 
werry  good !  say  it's  the  sport  of  kings ;  the  image  of  war, 
without—"  "  Order,  order,  order !  "  cried  all  three  Com- 
missioners at  once.  "  Really,  Mr.  Jorrocks,"  observed  the 
chief,  "we  shall  have  to  order  you  out  of  court  if  you  ])er- 
sist  in  interrupting  coimsel."  "  Now  do,  Mr.  Jorrocks," 
interposed  the  learned  Serjeant,  very  luildly,  "let  me 
argue  your  case  for  you,  or  else  take  it  in  hand  entirely 
yourself ;  for  between  us  we  shall  make  nothing  of  it." 

"  True,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks,  "  true  ;  too  many  cooks 
always  spoil  the  broth  ;  but  just  say  now  that  'unting  is 
the  sport  of  kings,  the  image  of  war  without  its  guilt, 
and  only  five-and-twenty  per  cent,  of  its  danger." 


THE    COMMISSION   RESUMED  645 

"  But  though  I  make  this  statement  bvoadly  and  un- 
equivocally,'" continued  the  leanied  Serjeant,  without 
noticing  Mi-.  Jorrocks's  suggestion,  "  I  take  a  still  higher 
ground,  and  say  that  my  client's  means  entitle  him  to 
follow  what  pursuit  he  ""pleases,  regardless  ot"  all  pecu- 
niary considerations.  He  is  a  wealthy  man ;  and  unless 
the  promoters  of  this  inquiry  can  show  that  he  is 
spending  such  a  sum  upon  the  maintenance  of  his  dogs 
as  involves  a  probability  of  injury — injury  of  such  an 
extent,  mind  you,  as  to  amount  almost  to  ntter  ruin — 
unless  they  can  do  this,  I  say,  the  success  of  their  case 
is  absolutely  hopeless.  This,  gentlemen.  I  defy  the 
promoters  of  this  inquiry  to  do.  I  hold  in  my  hand  a 
number  of  an  able  work,  by  Mr.  Blaine,  who  says,  '  that 
the  practice  of  field-sporting  is  both  convenient  and 
iiseful  we  presume  may  be  made  evident,  and  it  is  only 
when  these  rural  amusements  are  followed  so  unceas- 
ingly as  to  rob  us  of  that  time,  wealth,  and  energy, 
which  were  given  us  for  other  purposes,  that  the  pursuit 
of  them  can  be  censured.'  Censured,  gentlemen,  you 
observe,  is  the  term ;  so  that  even  if  Mr.  JoiTocks  had 
devoted  both  day  and  night,  and  the  whole  of  his  income 
and  energy,  to  the  amusement  of  hunting,  censure,  and 
not  a  commission  of  lunacy  to  deprive  him  of  the  man- 
agement of  his  affairs,  would  be  all  that  he  merited. 

"But  let  me  proceed  a  little  farther  witli  this  author. 
'The  severest  moralist  must  allow,'  says  Mr.  Blaine, 
'that  worldly  wealth  is  a  desirable  possession;  but  when 
the  miser  brings  upon  himself  premature  decay,  by  the 
extent  of  his  daily  toils  and  nightly  speculations  to 
amass  riches  whicii  lie  neither  uses  himself  nor  jjermits 
others  to  enjoy,  tlie  impartial  observer  sees  in  his 
conduct  a  flagrant  abuse  of  wealth:— wai'ped  by  his 
cupidity,  he  is  poor  in  tlie  midet  of  his  plenty,  and 
remains  fast  locked  in  the  embraces  of  Want,  that  very 
fiend  he  supposes  liimself  to  1)e  ever  flying  from.'  So 
tliat  yon  see,  gentlemen,  so  far  from  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
pastime  being  fitting  suliject  of  censure,  it  even  becomes 
matter  of  encomium  and  recDmuiendation.  My  jtursuits, 
like  those  of  my  learned  fiiend's  on  the  other  side,  have 
been  of  sucli  a  nature  as  to  afford  me  but  little  insight 
into  tlie  detail  of  these  liunting  proceedings.  I  bolieve, 
liowever,  my  learned  friend  was  rigiit  in  descriliing  a 
liunt-eHtal)liriliiMcnt  to  consist  of  a  multitude  of  dogs, 
over  which  the  Ik'.uI  or  chief  reigns  siijueme.  It  is,  I 
believe,  the  busineHS  of  the  eHtal)liHhment  to  muster  at  a 
certain  hour  of  a  morning,  and  then  find  .a  fox  or  other 


646  HANDLEY   CROSi=l 

wild  animal,  who  leads  the  inoimted  field  a  pfallop  across 
a  country ;  and  those  who  know  the  pleasure  thei'e  is 
in  beinof  proudly  borne  on  the  back  of  a  noble  generous 
horse  can  appreciate  the  sensation  of  delif,'ht  that  must 
be  experienced  in  riding  at  the  head  of  a  vast  assembly, 
composed  of  all  the  choice  and  gallant  spirits  of  the  land. 
The  very  thought  is  exhilarating!  The  clear  sky  above, 
the  wide  expanse  of  country  around,  the  refreshing  air, 
the  jovial  spirits,  the  neighing  steeds  and  chiding  hounds, 
all  in  one  rush  of  indescribable  joy!  Who  does  not 
exclaim  with  Shakspeare, — 

'"I  was  with  Hercules  and  Cadmns  once, 

When  in  the  wood  of  Crete  they  liayed  the  hear 
With  hounds  of  Sparta :  never  did  I  hear 
Such  gallant  chiding  ;  for,  besides  the  groves, 
The  skies,  the  fountains,  every  region  near, 
Seem'd  all  one  mutual  cry ;  I  never  heard 
So  musical  a  discord,  such  sweet  thunder ! '  " 

"  Bravo ! "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks, "  werry  good  indeed 
— werry  good  indeed;  say  it's  the  sport  of  kings,  the 
image  of — "  The  Commissioners  again  interpose,  and 
vow  they  will  turn  Mr.  Jorrocks  out,  or  commit  him  for 
contempt  of  court.  The  Serjeant  again  acts  as  mediator, 
Mr.  Jorrocks  growling  something  about  "werry  'ardthat 
a  man  mightn't  kick  u}}  a  row  in  his  own  court !  " 

"  But  shall  it  be,"  continued  the  learned  Serjeant, 
"because  a  man  enters  into  and  enjoys  the  enlivening 
scene, — because  for  a  time  he  casts  off  the  cares  of  the 
counter,  and  '  this  every-day  working  world,'  and  roves 
unfettei'ed  in  Nature's  wildest,  most  sequestered  scenes, 
that  he  is  to  be  declared  insane  and  incompetent  to 
the  management  of  his  affairs  ?  Forbid  it,  reason ! 
Forbid  it,  ye  nobler  and  more  generous  feelings  of  our 
nature!  Rather  let  ns  suppose,  that,  with  mind  re- 
freshed and  body  strengthened,  he  returns  to  the 
peaceful  occupations  of  his  trade,  gi-ateful  for  the 
exercise  he  has  enjoyed,  and  thankful  for  the  means  of 
partaking  of  it." 

"  Better  to  rove  in  fields  for  'ealth  unbought, 
Than  fee  the  doctor  for  a  nasty  draught," 

observed  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  himself,  in  one  of  his  whispers, 
which  produced  a  roar  of  laughter,  during  a  long 
pause  the  learned  Serjeant  made. 

"  My  learaed  friend's  feelings  were  shocked  at  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  exultation  at  the  sight  of  the  drooping 
dahlias,  and  would  fain  draw  a  conclusion  that  a  person 


THE   COMMISSION   RESUMED  047 

who  rejoiced  at  the  return  of  winter  must  necessarily  be 
insane ;  but  consider,  gentlemen,  before  you  adopt  such 
an  idea  what  might  be  your  situation  if  the  sight  of  the 
snowdrop  or  crocus,  drawing  from  you  an  exclamation 
of  delight  at  the  sight  of  returning  spring,  was  to 
deprive  you  of  the  management  of  your  affairs,  and, 
perhaps,  of  your  liberty  ! 

"  All  you  have  heard,  the  evidence  of  Lumpkin,  the 
evidence  of  Sniffle — Miss  Sniffle,  I  should  say— the 
evidence    of    Savoy,  and    the  evidence  of  Greenwood, 

Krove  nothing  but  the  devotion  of  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  a 
ighly  popular  pleasurable  sport ;  and  even  the  constable 
Strong,  when  detailing  the  act  which  ])rincipally  caused 
the  issuing  of  this  commission,  admitted  that,  for  aught 
he  knew  to  the  contrary,  the  purchase  and  stacking  of 
the  horses  was  a  prudent  and  commendable  act. 
Fortunately,  however,  I  am  in  a  situation  to  prove  that 
whatever  Mr.  Jorrocks  has  done  in  the  way  of  manage- 
ment has  been  jjrudent  and  cautious,  that  his  character 
is  humane  and  moderate,  and  his  uniform  conduct  all 
that  can  be  desired  of  an  honest  grocer  and  a  good  man. 
My  fervent  hope  is,  that  my  excellent  client  may  not 
suffer  through  the  deficiency  of  his  advocate.  I  am 
aware  that  I  have  not  acquitted  myself  to  the  unfortu- 
nate gentleman— unfortunate  in  being  placed  in  such 
a  situation— in  the  manner  I  could  have  wished;  but 
1  feel  confident,  when  you  have  heard  the  evidence  I  shall 
now  proceed  to  offer,  that  you  will  come  to  the  only 
conclusion  open  from  tlio  premises,  namely,  that  Mr. 
Jorrocks  is  not  only  a  rational,  hut  a  highly  talented  man." 
A  buzz  of  applause  followed  the  close  of  the  learned 
Serjeant's  address,  of  which  the  foregoing  is  merely  an 
outline,  and  the  Court  availed  itself  of  the  break  in  the 
proceedings  to  retire  ior  a  few  minutes. 

Mr.  Jorrocks,  whose  sjjirits  rose  thirty  per  cent,  with 
the  eloquence  of  his  advocate,  now  mounted  upon  the 
table,  and,  dancing  al)out  on  one  leg,  declared  he  would 
"beat  them  arter  all."— offering  to  lay  any  one  a  guinea 
'at  to  a  sou'-wester  thnt  he  did;  upon  which  Pigg, 
seeing  the  jury  eyeing  liini,  exclaimed,  'Mfiul  the  gob 
thou  ard  gouk.'"  Whcrcujion  notliing  wouM  serve 
Jonocks  but  Pigg  should  sing  them  one  of  his  national 
melodies, — should  sing  them, 

"  Unrivalled  tho  'ounda  o'er  wliich  Jorrocks  prcBidcs." 

But    Pigg    was    imi)f'rviouH,   telling  his   master,   "  be'd 
desarve  arl  he  giit  gin  he  w<jnt  ramin'  on  tiiat  way." 


CHAPTER    LXVIII 

THE    COURT    RESUMES 

Mr.  Serjeant  Horsefield,  havingr  refreshed  himself 
with  :i  fi;\iiss  of  sherry  and  a  water  biscuit,  now  rustles 
back  into  court ;  and  all  parties  bein{»  attain  prepai-ed,  he 
glances  at  his  brief  and  exclaims.  "  Call  William 
Bowker !  "  whereupon  our  versatile  friend  Bill  en)er^es 
from  a  side  room,  or  rather  a  closet,  in  Avhich  he  had 
been  ensconced,  attired  in  the  incongruous  habiliments 
that  theatrical  people  and  cockneys  consider  peculiar  to 
sportsmen.  What  a  sight  it  is  to  see  a  fox-hunter  put 
upon  the  stage !  Mr.  IBowker.  who  has  come  to  assist 
his  great  patron  out  of  trouble,  by  assuming  the  character 
of  a  fox- hunter  at  short  notice,  has  got  himself,  as  he 
thinks,  becomingly  up.  He  has  on  a  pair  of  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks's  drab  shags  and  top-boots ;  and,  as  a  red  coat 
would  be  inappropiate  in  a  court  of  justice,  he  preserves 
the  character  in  a  bright  green  one.  with  a  black 
velvet  collar,  and  a  hare  on  a  dead  gold  button,  with  a 
burnished  rim.  His  capacious  chest  is  covered  with 
foxes'  heads  on  a  double-breasted,  worsted-worked, 
brown  waistcoat,  and  his  green  cashmere  neckcloth  is 
secured  in  front  with  a  gilt  coach-and-four  brooch.  He 
has  a  cane-whi]:)  stick  in  one  hand,  and  a  hat  with  a 
red  cord  to  it  in  the  other. 

"  You  are,  I  believe,  Mr.  Bowker, — a  great  merchant  ?  " 
said  Serjeant  Horsefield,  eyeing  him  intently,  as  one 
does  a  person  we  think  we  have  seen  before. 

"  Head  of  the  great  house  of  Bowker  and  Co.," 
replied  Bill  with  a  slight  bend  of  his  body,  as  he  dived 
his  forefinger  and  tliumb  into  a  massive  gilt  snuff-box 
set  round  with  brilliants,  and  a  huge  mock  diamond  in 
the  centre  of  the  lid. 

"  And  a  great  sportsman,  I  believe,"  continued  the 
Serjeant. 

"  And  a  great  sportsman,"  repeated  Bill,  drawing  the 
immense  pinch  off  his  thumb  up  his  nose  with  a  long 
and  noisy  sniff. 

"  You  have  hunted  in  many  countries,  I  believe  ? " 


THE    COURT  RESUMES  649 

continued  the  Serjeaut,  "  and  are  well  acquainted  with 
the  minutiae  of  the  manasrement  of  a  ])ack  of  fox- 
hounds ? "' 

*■  Perfectly  so,"  replied  Bill,  twirlinjj  his  hat-string 
round  his  fore-finger. 

"  You  are  well  acquainted  with  Mr.  Jorrocks,  the 
gentleman  respecting  whom  we  are  met  together  this 
day  .^  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Have  known  Mr.  Joirocks  long  and 
intimately." 

"  Then  would  you  have  the  kindness  to  state  to  the 
Court  your  opinion  generally  of  that  gentleman.'''' 

"My  opinion  generally,"  said  Bill  running  his  many- 
ringed  fingers  through  his  sandy  locks.  "  my  general 
opinion  is — is — is — that  he  is  quite  the  gent." 

"Ah  I  hut  the  Court  would  like  to  know  what  you 
consider  of  him  in  relation  to  general  life  ?  " 

"  In  i-elation  to  general  life,"  repeated  Bill ;  "  I  should 
say  he  is  a  very  good  relation,— good  as  a  grandmothei- 
to  me,  I'm  stn-e,— liberal — hospitable — dines  at  five  and 
never  waits  for  any  one." 

"I  think  you  do  not  exactly  understand  the  point  I 
wish  to  arrive  at.  I  wish  you,  as  an  old  and  intimate 
friend  of  Mr.  Jorrocks,  to  state  the  impression  that 
gentleman's  general  conduct  creates  in  your  mind." 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Mr.  Jorrocks's  general  conduct,  I 
should  say,  is  very  much  the  conduct  of  o])ulent  mer- 
chants generally.— he  takes  care  of  the  pence  and  lets 
the  pounds  take  care  of  themselves, — he's  very  rich." 

"Then  you  consider  him  a  good  man  of  business?" 

"  Capital  man  of  business  -double  enti-y — cash  at 
Christinas,  bill  book  off  by  heart,  and  so  forth." 

"And  in  his  amusements  you  consider  him  sober  and 
rational  ?  " 

"Oh,  quite!  He's  president  of  our  free-and-easy, 
chaii-nian  of  the  incorporated  society  of  Good  Fellows, 
and  recorder  of  tlie  Wide-awake  Clul)." 

Serjeant  Horsefield.--"  Are  those  high  offices?" 

"  Undoubtedly  so." 

"  And  conferred  on  men  of  talent  and  standing  ?  " 

"  Undoul^tedly  ho.  A  fool  would  never  do  for  recorder 
of  a  wide-awake  clul)." 

Serjeant  Horsefield.— "And  in  these  clubs  is  he  con- 
sidered a  wit?  " 

Mr.  Bowker  (with  emphasis). — "Premier  way!'' 

Serje.'int  TforsefieJd.--"  Does  ho  mer  favour  them 
with  any  of  his  literary  performances?" 


G50  HANDTiEY   CROSS 

"  Frequently.  Ode  to  April-fool's  day ;  elegy  on  a 
giblet-pie  that  was  smashed  in  coming  f  I'om  the  baker's ; 
ode  to  the  Lumber  Troop,  in  most  heroic  measure;  odes 
to — I  don't  know  how  many  other  things." 

"Ton  are,  I  believe,  acqxuiinted  with  his  establish- 
ment at  Handley  Cross,  and  having,  as  you  say,  had 
considerable  experience  in  hunting  matters,  will  you 
favour  the  Court  with  your  opinion  of  his  set  out?" 

"  Certainly,"  replied  Bill,  tapping  his  boot,  or  rather 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  boot,  with  his  Malaccn  cane-whip  stick. 
"  His  set  out  is  very  good — quite  the  go.  I  should  say." 

"Is  it  larger  or  smaller  than  you  have  been  accus- 
tomed to  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Oh,  smaller,  decidedly.  It's  what  we 
fox-hunters  call  a  two-days-a-week  establishment.  Mel- 
ton men  hunt  six  days  a  week,  and  think  that  too  little." 

"  And  a  five  or  six-days-a-week  establishment  is  lai'ger 
than  a  two-day s-a-week  one." 

Mr.  Bowker. — "Undoubtedly  so;  more  boots,  more 
breeches — more  breeches,  more  boots." 

"  And  requires  more  horses  and  hounds  ?  " 

"Undoubtedly  so;  more  hounds,  more  horses — more 
horses,  more  hounds." 

"And  the  larger  the  establishment,  the  greater  the 
consumption  of  food  P  " 

"Of  course;  more  hounds,  more  food — more  food, 
more  hounds." 

"  You  have  heard,  I  suppose,  of  Mr.  Jorrocks's  purchase 
of  horses, — will  you  tell  the  Court  your  opinion  of  it?" 

Mr.  Bowker. —  "My  opinion  as  to  the  merits  of  the 
bargain  or  the  prospects  of  remuneration  ?  " 

"  No,  your  opinion  of  the  policy  of  the  step." 

"  Upon  my  word,  it  is  a  difficult  question  to  answer. 
Speculation  is  the  soul  of  commercial  life,  and  it  is  only 
by  ventures  of  this  sort  that  men  get  rich.  If  Mr.  J. 
bought  the  horses  to  sell  as  sausages,  there  is  no  doubt 
he  would  have  cleared  a  considerable  sum  by  the  spec." 

Serjeant  Horsefield. — "  No,  but  confining  it  to  the 
simple  question  of  buying  them  for  the  purpose  of 
feeding  his  hounds  upon,  what  would  you  say  of  the 
prudence  of  such  a  step  ?  " 

Mr,  Bowker. — "  Oh,  I  should  say  it  was  a  very  prudent 
step ;  the  war  was  sure  to  raise  the  pi-ice  of  horse- 
flesh, and  Mr.  J.  was  making  himself  independent  of 
fluctuations  and  foreign  markets." 

"  And  you  think  there  would  not  be  more  flesh  than 
his  hounds  would  require  ?  " 


THE   COURT   RESUMES  651 

Mr.  Bowker.— "  Certainly  not ;  suppose  they  had  half 
a  horse  for  breakfast,  a  whole  horse  for  dinner,  and 
half  a  horse  for  supper.  Let  me  see— one  horse  a  day 
is  seven  horses  a  week,  two  horses  a  day — two  horses  a 
day  is  foiirteen  horses  a  week,  fourteen  horses  a  week  is 
fifty-six  horses  per  calendar  month,  and  fifty-six  horses 
per  calendar  month  is " 

Serjeant  Horsefield. — "  Never  mind  any  further  calcu- 
lation. Am  I  to  understand,  then,  that  you  consider 
buying  and  stacking^  the  liorses  was  a  prudent  step  on 
the  part  of  Mr.  Jorrocks  P  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Undoubtedly  so ;— war  and  all  things 
considered,  he  must  either  have  stacked  or  potted 
them." 

"  Pray.  Mr.  Bowker."'  inquired  Mr.  Smith,  the  Islington 
toy-shop-keeper,  looking  uncommonly  wise,  "  may  I 
inquire  if  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  a  Poor-law  guardian  ?  " 

"  No.  lie's  not."  replied  Mr.  Bowker.  with  a  sneer. 

Mr.  Martin  Moonface  now  proceeded  to  take  Bill  in 
hand. 

"  I  think  I  understood  you  to  tell  my  learned  friend 
that  you  are  a  great  sportsman  ?  "'  observed  lie. 

"  Right  1 "'  replied  Bill,  taking  a  huge  pinch  of  snulf. 

"  Pray  do  you  keep  hounds  yourself  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker  (flattered  by  the  supposition). — "No.  sir, 
not  at  present  at  least." 

Mr.  Moonface. — '"  Then  you  have  kept  them  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker.— "Why,  no,  not  exactly — thinking  of  it." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  It  will  depend,  perhaps,  upon  the 
vei'dict  of  this  case  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker  (nodding). — "Perhaps  so." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Then  you  merely  hunt  with  other 
people's  hounds." 

Mr.  Bowker.  —  "Merely  hunt  witli  other  people's 
hounds." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "Pray  whose  hounds  do  you  liunt 
with?" 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Oh,  just  any  that  come  in  the  way, — 
the    Queen's,    Prince    Albert's —  Prince    Albert's,    the 

ueen  s. 

Mr.  Moonface.— "Then  you  are  not  8|)oakiiig  from 
yom-  own  knowledge  wlien  you  say  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
iionnds  would  eat  a  bra<!0  of  liorses  a  day  P  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Not  of  my  own  knowledge  exactly." 

Mr.  Moonface.""  Then  what  madf;  you  say  so?" 

Mr.  Bowker  (Kioking  rather  diHcoucerted). — "  Why,  I 
suppose  they  must  eat    couldn't  hunt  if  they  didn't  eat." 


662  HANDLEY   CROS8 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  But  might  not  they  eat  move  tlian 
a  brace  of  horses  a  day  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Undoubtedly  they  migrht." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Now  miojht  they  not  eat  three  just 
as  well  as  two,  for  anythinof  you  knew  to  the  contrary  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "For  anything  I  know  to  the  contrary." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Ah,  but  say  yes  or  no." 

Mr.  Bowker.—"  Yes  or  noF  " 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  (Jome,  sir,  don't  fence  with  the 
question.  I  want  you  to  give  a  direct  negative  or  a 
direct  affirmative  to  that  question. — whether,  for  any- 
thing you  know  to  the  contrary,  Mr.  Jorrocks's  hounds 
might  not  eat  three  lioi-ses  a  day,  as  well  as  two." 

"  What !  Jive  a  day  ?  "  replied  Bill. 

Mr.  Moonface.—"  No,  sir ;— might  not  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
hoimds  eat  three  horses  a  day  for  anything  you  know 
to  the  contrary  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "Perhaps  they  might." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Well  now.  sir,  haviiig  got  that 
question  answered,  let  me  ask  you  another." 

"  Certainly,"  inteiTupted  Bill. 

"  What  would  be  the  value  of  each  horse  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Value  of  each  horse  ! — how  can  I  tell 
without  seeing  them  P  I  give  a  couple  of  'undred  for 
some  of  mine." 

"  I'm  talking  of  dead  horses." 

"  I  know  nothing  about  dead  horses — I'm  not  a 
Whitecha]:)el  knacker ! " 

M.Y.  Moonface. — "  Well,  sir,  but  you  talked  just  now 
of  horse-flesh  rising  in  price  in  consequence  of  the  war.'" 

"That  was  5ee/blogically  considei'ed,"  replied  Bill, 
with  a  smile. 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  You  say  Mr.  JoiTOcks  is  a  good 
man  of  business — takes  care  of  the  pence  and  leaves  the 
pounds  to  take  care  of  themselves, — I  su])pose  from  that, 
you  mean  to  say  he  is  penny  wise  and  pound  foolish." 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Pardon  me ;  no  such  thing — pounds 
are  supposed  to  be  better  able  to  take  care  of  themselves 
than  pence— Mr.  Jon-ocks  has  a  very  pi-oper  respect  for 
a  sovereign — very  loi/al !  " 

"  You  mentioned  some  clubs,  I  think.  Mr.  Bowker, 
that  Mr.  Jorrocks  belongs  to ;  pray  what  is  the  nature 
of  them?" 

"Nature  of  them,  sir — nature  of  them,  sir,— convivial, 
intellectual,  musical— musical,  intellectual,  convivial !  " 

Mr.  Moonface.—"  The  free-and-easy,  for  instance, 
what  is  that  ?  '' 


THE   COURT   RESUMES  653 

"Convivial,  uuisical — musical,  convivial !  " 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Where  does  it  bold  its  sittings  ?  " 

"  Sky-parlonr  of  the  '  Pig  in  Trouble,'  Oxford  Street 

sign, '  Pig  in  the  Pound ;'  motto, — 

"  '  Self-praise,  we  know,  is  all  a  bubble ; 
Do  let  me  out,  I  am  in  trouble ! '  " 

"  Never  mind  the  motto, — tell  the  Coni't  now  what 
are  the  miles  of  that  society." 

'■  Certainly,  sir, — certainly.  Fundamental  rules  of  the 
'  Sublime  Society '  are,  that  members  eat  nothing  but 
chops  and  Welsh  rabbits  ;  drink  nothing  but  port  wine, 
porter,  or  jjunch,  and  never  take  oifence  at  what  each 
other  say  or  do." 

Mr.  Moonface.—"  The  membei-s  may  take  all  sorts  of 
liberties  with  each  other  ?  " 

"  Undoubtedly  !  cut  all  soi-ts  of  jokes  ! " 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Call  each  other  names,  play  tricks 
and  jjractical  jokes — like  the  officers  of  the  Forty- 
sixth?" 

"Undoubtedly  so — undoubtedly  so;  jokes,  tricks, 
names — names,  tricks,  jokes! — just  like  the  officers  of 
the  Forty-sixth." 

"  And  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  the  president  of  this  society  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Mr.  Jon-ocks  is  the  president  of  this 
society." 

"  And  what  are  the  distinguishing  characteristics  of  a 
president?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  All  the  distinguishing  chai'acteristics 
in  the  world — sits  on  a  throne — wears  the  crown  and 
robes — collar,  grand  order  of  Jerusalem— passes  sen- 
tence on  offenders— month  in  a  muffin-sIio]) — bucket  of 
barley-water— kiss  the  cook— no  aj)peal." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  And  what  olfcnces  do  you  ti-y  ?" 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Anytliing — not  particular— anytliing 
to  make  fun— try  a  man  for  saying  a  good  thing — try  a 
man  for  saying  a  bad  thing, — whatever  comes  ui)per- 
inost." 

"  And  this  you  consider  intellectual  ?  " 

Ml".  Bowkci". — "Pardon  me.  ronririul.'" 

"  Do  you  admit  strangers  to  the  '  Sublime  Society  '  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  On  certain  days — grand  days,  in  fact, 
wiien  the  regalia  is  used — biHhoi)'8  mitre,  cajis  and  hells. 
and  so  on." 

"And  do  you  proceed  on  tlio  free-and-easy  jirinciplc 
with  strangfrs  ?" 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Undoul)tcdly  so." 

"  Tlien  yuu  must  aKtonish  tliein  a  little. 


654  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Mr.  Bowker  (with  a  wiuk). — "  Galvanize  them!  " 

Mr.  Moonface. — "And  pray  wliat  is  the  collar  with 
the  grand  order  of  Jerusalem  like  P  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Gold  and  enamel— enamel  and  gold, 
like  my  lord  mayor's." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  And  the  order  of  Jerusalem,  what  is 
it  like  ? "' 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Simply  a  Jerusalem,  suspended  to  a 
collar." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  But  what  is  a  Jerusalem  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker.  —  "  Jerusalem  —  jackass  !  —  jackass  — 
Jerusalem ! "     (Roars  of  laughter.) 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  And  the  club  has  a  button,  I 
believe  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker.  —  "  Jerusalem  button — motto,  '  Ge-o, 
Neddy ! '  "     (Renewed  laughter.) 

Mr.  Moonface. — "And  where  does  the  Wideawake 
Club  hold  its  sittings  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  At  the  '  Cauliflower,'  in  Cateaton 
Street." 

"  And  what  are  the  distinguishing  features  of  that 
club  ? — What  style  of  men.  in  fact,  is  it  composed  of  ?  " 

"  All  stylish  men — velvet  collars,  Hessian  boots,  kid 
gloves  ! " 

"  No,  I  mean  what  class  of  men  is  it  composed  of  ?  " 

Mr.  ISowker. — "  First-class  men — merchants,  bankers, 
Ijrivate  gentlemen." 

"  And  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  recoi-der  of  that  society  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  recorder  of  that 
society." 

"  Does  he  sit  in  state  there  also,  in  a  crown  and  robes, 
with  a  Jerusalem  round  his  neck  ?  "     (Great  laughter.) 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  No ;  the  president  is  chosen  every 
evening.  After  a  constitution  is  obtained,  the  first 
member  that  says  a  good  thing  takes  the  chair,  and  it 
is  the  duty  of  the  recorder  to  enter  the  saying,  and  the 
circumstances  that  led  to  it,  in  the  book." 

"  And  then  what  do  you  do  P  " 

Mr.  Bowker  (after  a  pause). — "  Drink  brandy  and 
water!" 

"  And  that  is  intellectual  P  " 

Mr.  Bowker.  —  "  Pai'don  me  ;  convivial  —  convivial 
decidedly." 

"  Then  what  is  the  intellectual  portion  of  your  enter- 
tainments P  " 

Mr.  Bowker.  —"  Oh  !  wliy,  when  somebody  sings  or 
spouts,  that  is  both  musical  and  intellectual." 


THE   COURT   RESUMES  655 

"  And  then  you  all  get  very  drunk,  I  suppose  ?  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "  Pardon  me ;  drunkenness  is  fur- 
bidden." 

"  Then  how  far  may  you  go  with  impunity  P  " 

Mr.  Bowker. — "By  the  twenty-first  canon  of  the 
'  Sublime  Society '  of  tlie  free-and-easy  club,  it  is 
enacted,  that  no  member  shall  be  considered  drunk  or 
liable  to  the  pains  and  penalties  contingent  upon  intoxi- 
cation, if  he  can  lie  without  holding." 

Mr.  Moonface.-— '■  Then  after  he  is  incapacitated  from 
walking,  if  he  can  lie  still  on  the  floor  he  is  considered 
sober  'i  " 

Mr.  Bowker.—"  He  is  not  considered  drunk." 

Mr.  Moouface  (eyeing  the  jury).— "He  is  not  con- 
sidered drunk."  To  Mr.  Bowker,  "You  may  stand 
down." 

"  With  all  my  heart ;  "  adding  as  he  went,  "  never 
had  such  a  wigging  in  my  life." 

Our  old  friend  Roger  Swizzle  was  the  next  witness. 
Time,  we  are  sorry  to  say— and  perhaps  port  wine— had 
done  little  towards  improving  Roger's  figure  and  com- 
plexion. His  once  roseate  face  had  assumed  a  very  ripe 
mulberry  hue,  while  his  snub  nose  bore  some  disfiguring 
marks,  called  Ijy  the  florists  grog-blossoms.  His  bristly, 
brushed  black  hair  was  still  strong,  but  sadly  bleached, 
and  his  bright  twinkling  eyes  were  about  the  only 
features  remaining  as  they  were.  Neither  was  his 
costume  more  l)econiing.  His  ijuddingy  neckcloth  was 
more  clumsy,  his  brown  co;it  more  uncouth,  his  black 
waistcoat  more  stained,  his  dralj  trousers  shorter,  and 
his  high-lows  thicker  and  more  developed. 

Serjeant  Hor.sefield  received  him  with  a  bow.  "Ton 
are,  I  believe,"  said  he,  "a  medical  gentleman  in  ex- 
tensive practice  at  Handley  Cross,  and  well  acquainted 
with  Mr.  Jorrocks  ?" 

"  I  am,"  re[)lied  Mr.  Swizzle. 

"Then  will  you  have  the  kindness  to  favour  the 
Court  with  your  f)pinion  of  that  gentleman  P  " 

Roger  Swizzle.— "Certainly,  sir.  He's  wjiat  I  should 
call  a  very  good  fellow." 

"No,  I  mean  with  resi.ect  to  his  intellect.  Do  you 
consider  him  of  sound  mindi'" 

"Sound  as  a  bell." 

"  And  cajiable  of  managing  hia  afTairs?" 

"  No  doubt  about  it.    -Why  HJiouidn't  he  ?  " 

"That's  a  tiuiiip!"  (.l).servf(l  Mr.  Jorrocks  aloud  to 
himself,  adding,  "  No  doubt  about  it." 


656  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Mr.  Moonface  then  ])roceeded  to  cross-examine  Roger 
Swizzle : — 

"  Yon  say,  Mr.  Swizzle,"  said  lie,  "  that  yon  are  in  a 
great  way  of  practice  ;  pray  is  it  among  gentlemen 
afflicted  with  Mr.  Jorrocks'  infirmity  ?  "  (Mr.  Moonface 
putting  his  finger  to  his  forehead). 

"  Why,  no,"  replied  Mr.  Swizzle,  "principally  among 
gentlemen  afflicted  witli  this  infirmity "  (poking  his 
finger  against  his  stomach). 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Just  so  ;  you  are  what  they  call  a 
diet  doctor." 

Roger  Swizzle. — "I  don't  know  I'm  sure  what  they 
may  call  me." 

Mr.  Moonface. — "  Suppose  they  were  to  call  you  a 
'  lushy  cove,'  would  there  be  any  truth  in  that  ?  " 

Roger  Swizzle. — "  None  whatever  !  " 

"  And  yet  you  like  your  wine  ?  " 

Roger  Swizzle.—"  Good  wine." 

"  And  what  do  you  consider  good  Avine  ?  " 

Roger  Swizzle.—  "  Two  bottles  of  port  is  the  best  of  all 
wine." 

James  Pigg  was  the  last  witness. 

■*  Now,  Pigg,"  said  Serjeant  Horsefield,  "  you  are,  I 
believe,  huntsman  to  Mr.  Jorrocks,  and  as  such,  have 
the  management  of  his  hounds  and  horses  ?  " 

"  Ar  has,"  replied  Pigg,  with  a  sniff  of  his  hand  across 
his  nose,  and  a  hitch  of  his  braceless  breeches. 

"And  as  such  you  have  frequent  opportunities  of 
seeing  and  judging  of  your  master's  conduct  at  home 
and  abroad?  " 

"  Teas,"  drawled  out  Pigg.  "  Out  a  huntin',  that's  to 
say." 

"  Will  you  now  favour  the  Court  with  your  opinion  of 
it  generally  ?  " 

Pigg. — "  Why,  noo,  ar  should  say  he's  a  varra  good 
ard  man,  balth  at  hyeam  and  abroard— he  gives  me 
monny  a  shiilin',  and  monny  a  glass  o'  brandy  i'  card 
weather,  and  sic  like  times." 

Serjeant  Horsefield. — "  Ah,  but  I  want  to  know  more 
about  his  headpiece,  you  know— more  how  you  think  he 
manages  his  establishment  indoors  and  out.'' 

Pigg. — "  Why,  noo,  ar  should  say  he  manishes  'em  all 
gaily  well,  barrin'  that  bit  bowdekite.Ben;  but  sink  him  ! 
gin  ar  had  him,  ar'd  soon  manish  him." 

Serjeant  Horsefield.— "  And  his  hounds,  how  do  you 
think  he  manages  them  ?  "  ^  I 

Pigg.— "Why,  noo,  ar  think  the  hunds  'ill  be  just 'bout 


THE   COURT   RESUMES  657 

the  warst  tbiiii?  he  does.  He's  all  for  stiiffin'  of  their 
bellies  till  they're  not  fit  to  gan,  and  his  back  casts  are 
parfect//p  ridicklus." 

Serjeant  Horsefield.— "  Well,  but  that  is  mere  matter 
of  opinion,  isn't  it  ?  " 

"Ar,  but  ar  saj'  it  isn't  matter  o'  'pinion!"  roared 
Pigg.  "  Ye  gan  and  ax  Payne,  or  Goodall,  or  any  on 
'em.  if  iver  they  mak  back  casts  first,  unless  they  see  it 
fox  has  bin  hidded." 

Serjeant  Horsefield.—"  But  you  don't  mean  to  say 
that,  because  a  man  makes  back  casts  first,  he  is 
necessarily  mad  ?  " 

Pigg.— •'  Mad,  aye  1  nee  doot !  what  else  could  he  be  P  " 

The  Serjeant,  looking  sadly  disconcerted,  sat  down. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Pigg,"'  commenced  Mr.  Moonface,  in  a 
familiar  tone,  "  and  so  you  fill  the  distinguished  post 
of  huntsman  in  this  celebrated  hunt  of  which  Mr. 
JoiTocks  is  the  head  ?  '' 

"Ar  does."  replied  Pigg,  wondering  what  they  were 
going  over  the  same  ground  again  fdr. 

Mr.  Moonface.— "  And  if  I  am  rightly  informed,  you 
were  selected  on  account  of  your  great  knowledge  and 
experience  in  these  matters  ?  " 

"  Ar's  wam'd  ye,"  replied  Pigg;  "  it  wasn't  like  they'd 
chose  me  because  ar  was  a  feul ! " 

Mr.  Moonface.—"  Well,  now,  you  told  my  learned  friend 
something  about  back  casts.  Will  you  allow  me  to  ask 
you  if  you  think  any  man  in  his  senses  would  make  Ijack 
casts  ?  " 

"Niver  such  a  thing  '.  Not  at  first  hand  like;  always 
make  the  head  g(jod  first.  Sink  it !  ar's  talked,  and  ar's 
battled,  and  ar's  cussed  wor  ard  maister.  till  ar's  been 
fairly  aside  mysel';  but  the  varry  next  time -may  be, 
afr)re  iyer  the  bunds  have  cast  tlieirsels — up  he's  com'd, 
blawin'  his  liom.  and  taken  tliem  back  o'er  the  varry 
same  grund,  while  the  fox  all  the  time  was  gannin' 
straight  away." 

Mr.  Moonface.— "  And  that  yon  consider  very 
ridiculous  ^  " 

"Parfect//c  ridicklus  I" 

Mr.  Moonface.—"  And  what  no  man  that  knew  what 
he  W!i8  about  would  do  ?  " 

Pigg  (veheuieutly).— "  Niver  sec  a  thing!  Niver  sec  a 
thing!  Ax  :ird  Seliriglit,  or  ony  on  'em.  Whativrn- ye 
de.  iilwaya  cast  fiMiard  for  a  fox  ;"  saying  wliicli,  Pigg 
hit<-,lied  u|)  his  breeches  again,  and  rolled  frantically  oul 
of  the  witness-box. 

u  u 


658 


HANDLKY   CROSS 


The  Commissioner  proceeded  to  address  the  jury  : — 
"  This  was  a  case  of  ^reat  peculiaritj^"  he  observed, 
"  l)ut  he  thoug-ht  of  little  difficulty,  inasmuch  as  the 
main  question — the  existence  of  a  most  extraordinary 
establishment — was  admitted,  and  the  only  question  for 
them  to  decide  was  whether  such  an  establishment  was 
compatible  with  their  ideas  of  rational  life  and  the  steady 


course  of  mercantile  pursuits.  If  he  mistook  not,  they 
were  all  merchants ;  and  it  was  for  them  to  say  what 
effect  one  of  their  body,  arraying  himself  in  a  scarlet 
coat  with  a  blue  collar;  or  a  sky-blue  coat  with  pink- 
silk  lining  and  canary-coloured  shorts ;  or,  again,  in  the  ! 
crown  and  robes  of  a  member  of  the  Sublime  Society, 
with  the  grand  order  of  Jerusalem  round  his  neck,  would! 
have  upon  their  minds.    The  evidence,  though  slightly! 


THE  COURT  RESTJMES  659 

conflicting  in  some  ])ai-ts.  was,  he  thought,  very  clear; 
nor  did  he  think  either  Mr.  Bowker  or  Pigg  had  done 
anything  towards  lessening  the  force  of  it.  Indeed,  the 
latter  seemed  to  consider  the  very  way  in  which  the 
unfortunate  gentleman  managed  his  extraordinary 
establishment  of  hounds  was  strongly  symptomatic  of 
incompetence. 

"  There  was  no  doubt  that  a  man  might  be  mad  upon 
hunting  as  well  as  upon  any  other  point.  It  was  for 
them  to  consider  whether  Mr.  Jorrocks  had  carried  the 
thing  so  far  as  to  amount  to  insanity.  It  was  immaterial 
that  other  men  were  equally  enthusiastic.  It  was  no 
reason  for  permitting  one  madman  to  remain  at  large, 
that  there  were  many  others  equally  mad.  The  Court 
would  consider  their  cases,  and  deal  with  them  if  their 
next-of-kin  thought  proper  to  bring  them  before  it.  It 
certainly  did  appear  a  most  extraordinary  pursuit  for  a 
rational  being  to  devote  himself  to.  in  the  manner  Mr. 
JoxTocks  appears  to  have  done;  and  with  that  observa- 
tion he  should  leave  tlie  case  in  the  hands  of  the  jury." 

The  jury  thereujion  retired,  more  for  the  sake  of 
appearances  or  for  having  a  parting  crack,  than  from  any 
difference  of  o))inion  ns  to  the  state  of  our  friend's  mind. 

If  indeed  any  doul)t  liad  existed,  it  would  have  been 
speedily  dispelled  byHo1)bs,  tlie  court  hcad-dross  maker, 
putting  himself  in  attitude,  distending  his  great  flobby 
cheeks,  and  exclaiming.  "Fancy  me  in  a  red  coat  and 
cap  ridin'  about  'Anipstead  'eath,  with  a  pack  of  'ounds 
at  my  'eels  !  " 

"Aye.  fancy  him!"  exclaimed  Coxon,  the  jioulterer, 
who  kept  a  trotting  pony  and  called  himself  a  sportsman. 

Then  they  talked  Jorrocks  over. 

One  knew  his  face,  another  his  figure,  a  third  his 
"  fist,"  having  had  a  bill  of  his  once. 

It  was  generally  adiiiittf^l  tliat  he  was  "  respectalile." 
indeed,  as  Mr.  Refunding  observed,  if  he  hadn't  been  his 
friends  wouldn't  have  troubled  a  commission,  and  as 
Rounding's  feeding  time  was  then  longijast,  he  got  them 
to  retui-n  into  Court,  where  he  delivered  a  verdiet  of 
"Insanity."  adding  that_  "  Mr.  .Jorrocks  had  been 
incapable  of  managing  his  affairs  since  he  took  the 
Handley  Cross  Hounds  " 


CHAPTER  LXIX 

BELINDA  AT  SUIT  DOLEFUL 

Great  was  tlie  astonisliment,  both  at  Handley  Cross 
and  in  London,  at  the  intelligence  of  this  verdict. 

It  was  viewed  and  commented  upon,  according  as  the 
tastes  and  inclinations  of  the  parties  inclined  towards 
mirth  or  took  a  serious  turn.  Some  thought  it  quite 
right;  others,  that  the  jury  were  mad  themselves.  The 
Swizzleites  and  the  Melloites  divided,  as  usual.  The 
annoyance  of  such  a  thing  as  a  commission  of  lunacy  is 
enough  to  drive  a  sane  man  mad;  and  Mr.  Jorrocks's 
indignant  outburst  and  threatening  conduct  were 
construed  into  violence,  and  a  removal  for  quiet  insisted 
upon  by  the  promoters  of  the  commission.  To  Hoxton 
then  he  went,  to  the  large  brick  house,  with  the  pond 
behind,  and  the  tall  poplars  before  it,  which  stands  so 
gloomily  secluded  as  almost  to  mark  itself  out  for  such 
an  asylum. 

Among  the  earliest  visitors  that  called  upon  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks  from  Handley  Cross  was  Captain  Doleful.  Hearing 
of  the  verdict,  he  bethought  him  that  something  might 
be  done  in  the  matter  of  the  horse,  either  by  way  of  total 
or  partial  refunding ;  and  accordingly,  he  took  a  second- 
class  fare  by  the  early  train  of  the  Lilywhite-sand 
Railway,  and  sought  the  "  lovely  retirement "  of  Great 
Coram  Street. 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  received  him  with  fervour,  for  she 
remembered  his  attention  at  the  fancy  ball,  and,  more- 
over, had  an  idea  that  "  Jun"  had  been  ra//thev  too 
many  for  him  in  the  matter  of  the  'oss. 

Both  sat  silent  for  some  time.  Mrs.  JoiTOcks  heaving 
heavy  sighs,  and  the  captain  playing  with  the  broad 
crape  that  enveloped  his  newly-lined  old  hat. 

"  Sad  business  this,  captin,"  at  length  observed  Mrs. 
Jorrocks,  with  a  groan. 

'■  Melancholy  in  the  extreme,"  replied  the  captain. 

"  Poor  Jun  !  it's  a  pity  but  he'd  stuck  to  the  Surrey- 
might  have  gone  on  with  them  for  long." 


BELINDA   AT   SUIT   DOLEFUL  661 

'■  I  don't  know  that,"  rejoined  the  captain,  recollecting 
that  he  was  the  man  who  pfot  Mr.  Jorrocks  to  take  the 
Handley  Cross  Hounds ;  "  it  would  have  broken  out 
some  other  way— set  fire  to  his  house,  perhaps,  or  some 
such  thing-." 

'■  Oh,_  dear !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  who  dreaded 
fire;  "it  seems  like  a  hinterposition  of  Providence  that 
he  did  take  them  then." 

"  Been  better  for  me  if  he'd  set  fire  to  his  house," 
observed  Captain  Doleful,  with  a  ghastly  smile. 

"  'Ow  so  ?  "  inquired  Mrs.  Jorrocks. 

"  I  shouldn't  have  been  done  with  the  horse,"  replied  he. 

"Ah,  true!"  recollected  Mrs.  Jorrocks;  "that  'oss 
liusiness  was  a  bad  un ;  Jun  understands  'osses  rayther 
too  well ;  but,  howsomever,  you  are  rich,  and  well  able  to 
bear  it." 

I'  Mr.  Jorrocks  is  rich,  too,"  observed  Captain  Doleful. 

"He  was  afore  he  .took  the  'ounds,"  rejjlied  Mrs. 
JoiTocks. 

"Oh,  but  the  hounds  couldn't  hurt  him  —  small 
establishment— large  subscription." 

"  I  doesn't  know ;  ifs  the  'ounds  that  have  done  the 
mischief,  howsomever,"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks. 

'■  They  might  turn  his  head,  but  they  couldn't  hui-t  his 
pocket— at  least  if  he  has  what  people  say." 

"Well,  I  doesn't  know  nothin'  about  that,"  replied 
Mrs.  JoiTOcks,  heaving  a  sigh. 

"I  suppose  there'll  be  no  difficulty  in  the  way  of  an 
equitable  arrangement  about  the  horse,"  observed 
Captain  Doleful,  after  a  pause;  "it's  hard  for  me  to  bear 
the  whole  of  the  brunt. ' 

"  I'm  sure  I  sliould  be  werry  'appy  to  do  wot's  genteel," 
replied  Mrs.  Jonvjcks  :  "  but  I  s'liose  tlie  Chancellor's 
the  person  that  must  bo  api)lied  to-  he's  to  kcej)  the 
cash-lwuk,  I  hear.  Doesn't  know  how  he's  to  understand 
about  mexin'  the  teas,  I'm  sure." 

"Then  you'll  give  mo  your  good  word  r*  "  inquired  the 
captain,  still  liaiping  on  the  hoi-so. 

"  Indeed  I  wiil,"  rf'i)lic<l  Mrs.  Jorrocks;  "  I'm  sure  you 
were  always  most  ijurlite  to  mo  :  that  fancy  ball  1  never 
shall  ff)rget." 

Doleful  grinned,  and  thought  how  good  somotimos 
camo  <if  evil. 

•  #••»• 

"And   how's  your  lovoly  niece  P"  at  length  incpiiir-d 


662  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Captain  Doleful,  with  a  feature-wrinkling  grrin.  "  This 
business  will  not  defer  her  nuptials.  I  hope  P  " 

"  Oh,  I  knows  nothin'  about  nuptials  ! "  exclaimed  Mrs. 
JoiTOcks,  an  idea  suddenly  striking  her  that  will  develop 
itself  as  we  proceed.  "  I  s'pose  you  allude  to  Charles 
Stobbs  ?  " 

"  Exactly  so,"  replied  the  captain. 

"  He  von't  do,"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  with  an  ominous 
shake  of  the  head. 

"  Indeed!"  exclaimed  Captain  Doleful;  "I'm surprised 
to  hear  that — thought  he  was  rich." 

"  Rich,  certainly,"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks  ;  "  at  least  he 
will  be;  but  we  must  look  to  somethin'  besides  riches  in 
these  matters.     Stobbs  von't  do." 

Captain  Doleful  wondered  how  that  was. 

"It's  a  hawful  responsibility  wot  dewelopes  upon  me 
now  that  poor  Jun  is  '  non  compus,' "  sighed  Mrs. 
JoiTocks. 

"  It  must  be,"  replied  Captain  Doleful. 

"  I'm  sure  I've  no  wish  but  for  Belinda's  welfare,  and 
have  neither  mercenary  nor  hambitious  views ;  but  that 
'are-brained  Torkshireman  can  never  do.  Indeed,  her 
uncle's  malady  seems  like  a  hinterposition  o'  Providence 
on  her  be'alf.  Fancy  what  a  sitivation  hers  would  a' 
been  had  she  married  this  Stobbs,  and  he'd  gone 
'non  compus'  down  in  Yorkshire!  —  wild,  out-o'-the- 
way  country,  scarcely  inhabited  and  nobody  to  lock 
him  up." 

"  Dreadful ! "  ejaculated  the  M.C.,  half  laughing  at  her 
ideas  of  the  country. 

"No,"  observed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  thoughtfully;  "if  she 
marries  at  all,  it  must  be  a  different  sort  o'  man — ^some 
nice,  steady  person,  wot  will  keep  her  right,  and  be  kind 
to  her  when  her  poor  huncle  and  I  are  gone." 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  burst  into  tears  at  the  idea  of  her 
dissolution.  "Had  Jun  been  dead,  she'd  have  looked 
out  for  another  investment  before  she  thought  of 
that." 


"  I  wonders  you  don't  think  o'  marryin',  captain  ?  " 
observed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  after  a  pause. 

"  Time  enough  for  that ! "  replied  he,  with  a  grin, 
running  his  fingers  through  his  straggling  hair. 

"True,"  observed  Mrs.  Jon-ocks,  "but  youth,  you 
know,  don't  last  for  evei*.    Howsomever,  I'm  sure,"  added 


BELINDA   AT   SUIT   DOLEFUL  663 

slie,  "  you  are  lookin'  uncommon  well :  I  always  said 
black  was  quite  your  become.'' 

The  captain  grinned,  and  thought  a  flirtation  with 
Belinda  might  not  be  amiss. 

"Then  Mr.  Stobbs  is  gone.''"  inquired  he  casually, 
tliinking  perhaps  Charles  might  cast  up  and  kick  him. 

"  Gone,  decidedly,"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks;  "at  least, 
he  don't  show  here  no  more." 

'■  Belinda  seems  a  sweet  girl,"  observed  Captain  Doleful 
thoughtfully. 

■'  She's  a  hangel !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks ;  "  so 
affectionate,  so  tractable,  and  so  engagin' !  Whoever 
gets  Belinda,  gets  a  treasure.  She'll  have  a  nice  fortin'," 
added  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  casually. 

"Will  she?"   observed  Captain  Doleful,  brightening 

up- 

"  Oh,  yes,"  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks;  "  her  father  left  summut 
'and  some." 

(It  was  "  an  'andsome"  amount  of  debt,  for,  poor  man! 
he  died  insolvent.) 

"  Two  or  three  hundred  a  year,  perhaps  ?  "  observed 
Captain  Doleful,  carelessly. 

"I  dare  say,"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  "besides  what  we 
leaves  her." 

"  It's  worth  thinking  of,"  thought  Captain  Doleful. 

"  You,  who  are  so  rich,  fortin'  makes  little  matter  to," 
observed  Mrs.  Jorrocks ;  "  but  Belinda's  a  beautiful 
figure — all  nattural,  and  not  a  heap  of  feathers,  like  a 
Jinney  Howlet,  as  some  gals  are.  If  Exchofiuer  Bill,  as 
my  poor  dear 'iisband  used  to  call  'im,  had  put  the  bustle- 
tax  on,  that  folks  talked  about,  he'd  a'  got  nothin'  out  o' 
Belinda."  .       „      . 

"  How  nice!"  grinned  Captain  Doleful,  thinking  what 
a  contrast  she  was  to  Miss  Crabstick. 

"Oh,  she's  a  sweet  gal,"  rejoined  Mrs.  JoiTOcks;  "you 
couldn't  'elp  likin'  of  her  if  you  know'd  her." 

"  I'm  half  in  love  with  her  already,"  (juoth  tiie  cap- 
tain;  "she  wouldn't  be  difficult  to  come  over,  I  sup- 
pose!"'" inquired  he,  juiliiiig  up  liis  gills,  and  fingering  his 
straggling  whinkerK. 

"Not  by  ,//w/,  I  dare  say,"  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks.  "The 
gals  can't  stand  captins." 

"  Is  her  fortune  in  the  funds  ? "  inquired  Captain 
Doleful,  after  a  jjause. 

"  Partly,"  replied  Mrs.  JoiTocks,  "  partly  in  somethin' 
else;  l»nt  I  really  doesn't  iindeiKland  iliese  inattei'H,  Jun 
UBfd  to  do  thciii  all ;  but   HeliiidaH  a  treaKuro  iu  herself. 


664  HANDLEY   CROSS 

S'pose  you  come  and  dine  with  us  some  day,  and  sfte  her 
to  adwantage." 

"  Most  hajjpy,  I'm  sure,"  grinned  the  captain. 

"  Then  come  to-morrow  at  four,"  rejoined  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks ;  "  just  we  three — you  understand  !  " 

"  Perfectly ! "  replied  the  captain,  dropping  on  his  knee, 
and  imprinting  a  kiss  on  Mrs.  Jorrocks'  mutton  fist. 

That  was  carrying  a  sudden  thought  out  quickly,  and  the 
captain  having  taken  his  departure,  Mrs.  JoiTOcks  began 
considering  how  she  should  manage  matters  with  Belinda. 


CHAPTER   LXX 

BELINDA   AT   BAY 

"  1  HAVE  had  your  old  friend,  Captin  Doleful,  liere." 
observed  Mrs.  Jorrocks  to  Belinda,  as  they  sat  at  their 
early  tea. 

'■  Indeed !  "  replied  Belinda. 

"  Lookin'  so  well  and  so  'andsouie ;  I  really  think  you'd 
have  been  smitten  with  him." 

"Me,  aunt!"  exclaimed  Belinda,  with  uufeiarued 
astonishment. 

"  And  vy  not,  miss  ?"  inquired  Mrs.  Jorrocks. 

"  Why,  in  the  first  place,  he's  quite  an  old  uian,  and—" 

"  Old! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  "  men  are  never  old ! " 

"  Well,  but  he's  anything  but  good-look inir,  and  is  such 
a  hoiTibly  mean  wretch  ;  I — " 

"  Fiddle  his  meanness !  no  meaner  than  other  folks. 
He's  werry  rich— a  thousand  a  year,  paid  quarterly." 

"  So  much  the  better  for  liim,"  observed  Belinda. 

"  Now  don't  be  perwerse — you  know  what  I  means  jest 
as  well  as  I  do  myself,"  observed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  looking 
irate. 

"Indeed  I  don't,  aunt!"  replied  Belinda,  turning 
frightened. 

"  Well,  then,  stoopid !  I  thinks  he's  worth  you  settin' 
your  cap  at." 

"Me,  aunt!"  exclaimed  Belinda,  blushing  deeply; 
"  you  know  I  can't— I'm  engaged !  " 

"  Fiddle,  engaged  !  soon  get  off  that,— nothin's  finished 
till  it's  done." 

"Oh,  aunt!"  exclaimed  Belinda,  burying  her  face  in 
her  hands,  "don't—pray  don't  talk  t(j  me  in  tliis  way — I 
cannot  bear  it ! " 

"  Foolish  gal !  "  rejoined  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  "  d(m't  know 
what's  good  for  you.  The  captin's  worth  fifty  of  your 
fly-away,  break-neck  fox-'unters,— nice,  agreeable,  (piiet 
gentleman,  wot'll  take  his  tea  with  you  of  an  evenin', 
instead  of  snorin'  and  sleejun'  as  your  huncle  does,  or 
atartin'  up,  thinkin'  he's  getting  run  away  with  or  kicked 
over  a  wall." 


666 


HANDLF.Y   CROSS 


"  Ton  are  not  in  earnest,  aunt  ? "  replied  Belinda, 
turning  her  beautiful  blue  eyes,  with  their  silken  lashes 
suffused  with  tears,  upon  her  aunt  as  she  spoke. 

"  Vy  not?  "  inquired  Mrs.  Jorrocks. 

"  Oh,  aunt!  you  cannot  be  in  earnest — you,  who  have 
always  encouraged  Charles,  and  encouraged  nie  to  like 
him  ;  and — " 

"  It  was  your  huncle  wot  encouraged  him ! "  exclaimed 
Mrs.  Jorrocks.  "  not  me  ! " 


MK8,    JOl;l£OCK8    ADTIBING    BELINDA 


"And  you,  too,  aunt,"  replied  Belinda,  calmly,  but 
firmly ;  "  don't  you  remember  the  night  uncle  and  he 
were  benighted,  and  I  sat  anxiously  waiting  their  coming, 
trembling  for  their  safety,  how  you  consoled  me  by 
praising  Charles,  and  talking  of  what  a  nice  husband  he 
would  make  me,  and  how  pleasant  it  would  be  visiting 
us  in  Yorkshire,  and — " 

"  No  doubt,"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks  ;  "  no  doubt — and 
now  that  a  better  chance  turns  hup,  I  encourages  you  to 
think  of  it, — a  gal  should  never  be  without  an  admirer; 


BELINDA   AT   BAY  667 

but  it's  ;i  regr'lar  rule  always  to  take  the  best — nothin's 
done  till  it's  finished,  as  I  said  afore." 

"  I  want  no  better !  "  exclaimed  Belinda  ;  '"  Charles  is 
my  first — my  only  love,  and  I'll  never  marry  another! " 

"  Fool !  "  ejaculated  Mrs.  JoiTocks ;  "  that's  the  way  all 
gals  talk  I — got  your  'ead  stuffed  full  of  boai-din' -school, 
novelish  nonsense. " 

Belinda  was  silent — the  eloquent  tears  chased  each 
other  rapidly  down  her  beautiful  cheeks. 

"  Now,  don't  be  foolish ! "  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks.  in  a  milder 
tone ;  "  consider  wot  hobligations  you  are  under  to  me 
and  your  huncle — brought  you  hup,  and  edikated  you. 
and  hintroduced  you  to  people  of  the  first  extinction,  and 
all  the  return  I  ax  is,  that  you'll  oblege  me  by  makiu'  a 
helligible  match.  There  isn't  a  gal  in  'Andley' Cross  but 
would  jump  at  such  a  chance.  Charles  may  be  a  werry 
respectable  young  man,  but  he's  wild  and  thoughtless ; 
besides,  we  doesn't  know  wot  he  has,  and  it's  werry 
imprudent,  to  say  the  least  of  it,  for  a  gal  to  fall  in  love 
with  a  man  till  she  knows  what  he  has, — I  didn't  do  so, 
I  knows." 

"He  will  have  enough  for  me,"  replied  Belinda, 
"  money  alone  will  not  constitute  happiness."' 

"  Provokin'  gal !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks ;  "  you  are 
just  one  of  those  silly,  romancin',  love-in-a-cottage  sort 
o'  gals  that  one  sees  in  the  ]>hiys ;  "  and  Mrs.  Jorrocks 
vented  an  inward  malediction  on  Mr.  Bowker,  and  all 
patrons  and  frequenters  of  tlie  drama. 

"  Oblege,  me  now,  Belinda,"  continued  she,  after  a 
pause,  "  by  thinkin'  of  tlie  captin." 

"Aunt,  I  couldn't  for  the  world !  I  know  the  gratitude 
I  owe— and  Heaven  knows  the  gratitude  I  feel,  for  all 
yon  have  d<me  for  me,  but  tills  can  never  l)e:  1  uliould 
detest  myself  could  1  think  myself  cai>able  of  entertain- 
ing the  idea." 

"There,  again!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  reddening 
up;  "stage-players  au'ain!  Wish  y«»u  would  be  a  little 
rational !  lei)  uie,  now,  in  jdain  English,  why  can't  you 
entertain  tlie  id«;a  'i  " 

"Because  you  know,  iuint."  replifd  Belinda,  slowly 
and  calmly,  "that  1  accepted  Cliarles  with  the  full 
approbation  of  you  and  my  uncle." 

"And  wot  of  tliat!''  "  iiKpiired  Min.  JonockH. 

"Simply  that  my  word  is  ple<lged,  and  I  am  pn'chuled 
from  thinking  of  anotlicr." 

"No  such  thing!"  rejoined  Mrs.  Jorrocks;  "'aj)pen8 


H68  HANDLEY   CROSS 

every  day,-"Saym'  you  love  each  other  is  nothin*  towards 
a  match.  I  tells  you,  no  prudent  f?al  accepts  a  man  till 
she  knows  wot  he  has.  Look  at  Mrs.  Wrigfflesworth ! 
She  was  engaged  to  Walter  Leigh,  and  her  acquaintance 
congratilated  her,  and  made  her  bags,  and  said  nothin'  . 
could  be  nicer,  when  Wrigglesworth  turned  hup  with  ' 
just  double  Leigh's  fortin',  and  she  chopped  over  to  hijn, 
and  her  friends  congratilated  her  again,  and  said  nothin' 
could  be  nicer,  and  made  her  duplicate  bags,  slippers, 
scent-'olders,  and  I  don't  know  wot."  ^^  , 

"Sincere  their  congratulations  must  have  been,"  ob-  ' 
served  Belinda ;  "  I'm  sure  I  should  not  like  to  be  talked 
of  as  people  talk  of  her,— pointed  out  as  the  lady  who 
cheated  the  government  by  not  paying  the  auction  duty 
on  herself,  and  I  don't  know  what  else." 

"  Let  them  laugh  as  wins,"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks ;  "  she 
has  a  futman — and  would  only  have  had  a  Betsy  with 
Leigh.  But  there's  no  puttin'  old  'eads  on  young 
shoulders,"  sighed  Mrs.  Jorrocks.  "Take  my  word  for 
it,  howsomever,"  continued  she,  "  if  yon  live,  you'll  see 
these  things  in  a  werry  different  light ;— if  you  kicks  the 
ball  away,  you  may  never  'ave  it  at  your  foot  again." 

"  I  don't  wish  for  such  a  ball  as  Captain  Doleful,  I'm 
sure,"  replied  Belinda,  smiling. 

"  And  tell  me,  Miss  Pert,  wot's  the  matter  with  the 
captin  ?  "  inquired  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  tartly. 

"I'm  sure  I  don't  know  what  is  the  matter  with  him, 
exactly."  replied  Belinda ;  "  but  I  should  not  think  he 
was  a  man  that  any  woman  would  ever  take  a  fancy  to." 

"  Fiddle  fancy ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks ;  "  it's  your 
fanciful  marriages  wot  breed  misery — foolish,  moon- 
struck, stage-play  sort  of  botherations,  that  breed  bas- 
tiles,  and  I  doesn't  know  what ; "  for  Mrs.  Jorrocks  had 
only  got  the  smattering  of  that  idea.  "I  tells  you," 
continued  she,  "  that  you're  a  fool ! " 

Belinda  was  silent. 

****** 

"I  do  wonders,"  observed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  "that  any 
gal  can  be  so  ungratefully  hobstinate  as  persewere,  in 
spite  of  the  adwice  and  hadmonitions  of  her  friends— 
what  good  can  you  get  by  it  ?  If  you  doesn't  like  partin' 
with  the  books  and  things  Stobbs  gave  you,  I'll  tell  him 
you  prefers  keepin'  of  them,  so  you'll  lose  nothin'  by  the 
transaction." 

"Ob,  aunt!"  exclaimed  Belinda,  "don't  torture  me 
thus— don't  make  yourself  appear  little  Jjy  insinuating 
that  such  an  idea  could  enter  your  head." 


BELINDA  AT   BAY  669 

"And  vy  not?"  inquired  Mrs.  JoiTocks.  "It's  nattral 
that  you  should  like  keepin'  the  thinefs.'' 

"  Indeed  no.  aunt,  it  isn't.  If  I  could  briug  myself  to 
think  that  the  connection  on  which  I  have  set  my  heart 
was  not  to  be,  the  greatest  favour  you  could  do  me  would 
he  to  remove  from  my  sight  every  trace,  every  recollec- 
tion, that  could  remind  me  of  my  loss." 

"  Loss,  indeed  ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  sneeringly. 
"  Pretty  loss,  forsooth  !  It's  wot  I  should  call  gainin'  a 
loss — gettin'  a  nice,  steady  captiu.  with  a  large  fortin',  to 
a  young  harum-scarum  scamp  of  a  boy,  that  nobody  knows 
nothin'  about— nasty, 'oss-copin',  ditch-jumpin'  beggar!" 

Belinda  was  silent. 

"Well,  you  may  be  pei"werse  and  hobstinate,  too;  but, 
take  my  word  for  it,  you'll  get  nothin'  by  it.  I'm  missus 
here,  and  I"ll  be  hobeyed  ;  and  my  borders  are  that  you 
receive  the  captin  at  dinner  to-morrow,  and  be'ave  like  a 
lady.  Put  on  your  Hindia  muslin,  or  I'll  let  the  Chancellor 
know ; "  80  saying  Mrs.  JoiTOcks  flounced  out  of  the  room. 


CHAPTER   LXXI 


DOLEFUL  PREPARED   FOR   THE   SIEGE 

Having  returned  to  Ins  quai-ters  at  the  "  George  and 
Blue  Boar/'  High  Holborn,  Captain  Doleful  reconnoitred 
his  wardrobe,  for  the  j)nrpose  of  seeing  how  killing  he 
could  make  liimself  on  the  following  day.  He  bad  on  the 
suit  of  black  he  had  turned  for  Miss  Crabstick's  funeral ; 
a  patent  tuljular  tie,  a  finely  flowered  front  with  two  rows 
of  little  frills,  and  a  pair  of  cheap,  open-work  black  silk 
socks,  with  French  polish  on  his  old  pumps,  would  make 
him  a  very  respectable  candle-light  swell. 

Passing  down  Holborn,  he  was  struck  with  the  display 


DOLEFUL   PREPARED   FOR   THE   SIEGE  671 

in  Mr.  Frizwig  the  advertising,'  liairdvesser's  window — 
such  wax-busts,  such  wigs  and  ringlets!  "  Hair  cut  for 
Sixpence."     The  captain  thought  he  would  have  a  clip. 

The  obsequious  "  peinaiquier "  xxshered  him  into  the 
cutting-room  through  the  shop,  and  Captain  Doleful, 
divesting  himself  of  his  coat  and  seedy  Joinville,  got  his 
person  enveloped  in  a  buff  cotton  wrapper. 

Taking  a  hard  brush  out  of  his  apron-pocket,  Mr.  Friz- 
wig  proceeded  to  brush  the  captain's  lank  locks  over  his 
flat  head.    He  then  produced  a  comb  and  scissors. 

"  'Air  getting  rayther  thin  on  the  crown,  T'm  sorry  to 
perceive,"  observed  Mr.  Frizwig,  as  though  he  were  a 
partner  in  the  concern. 

"  That's  no  news,"  growled  the  captain,  eyeing  his 
unbecoming  appearance  in  the  unflattering  mirror 
against  the  wall. 

"  Your  'air  requires  a  good  deal  of  moisture,"  observed 
Mr.  Frizwig,  nothing  daunted  by  his  customer's  gruffness. 

"  Does  it?  "  growled  the  captain. 

"Thin  in  i)arts— strong  in  parts,"  continued  the  perrn- 
quier.  snii>])ing,  and  clijjping,  and  combing.  "  The  grand 
Scandinavian  extract  of  Patagonian  cream  would  restore 
it  all ;  "  adding,  half  to  himself  and  half  to  his  foreman, 
"  Must  have  had  a  fine  'ead  formerly." 

The  captain  grinned.  "  Wliat  is  it  a  Ijottle  ?  "  incpiired  he. 

"All  prices,"  replied  the  hairdresser,  wondering  the 
extent  of  his  customer's  gullibility — "all  pi-ices,  from 
two-and-six  up  to  ten  shillings.  The  largest  pots 
cheaj)e8t  in  the  end." 

"  How  long  is  it  in  acting  ?  "  in(|nired  iho,  captain. 

"  Dejjonds  upon  how  you  use  it:  well  riibl)ed  in  twice 
aday.itwould  begin  immediately.  Renovates  what's  gone, 
and  imparts  a  beautiful  healthy  gloss  to  what  remains." 

"  A  /('("tie  off  the  whiskers?  "  inqiiired  he. 

"  A  liltle."  replied  the  captain,  with  an  emphasis, 
thinking  there  was  not  imi(;h  to  s))are. 

"Just  the  i>'ints  off,"  observed  the  hairdresser.  })re- 
tending  to  be  very  exact. 

"H  T  miglit  take  the  liKerty.  sir,  T  would  recommend 
one  of  my  ))atent,  self-ventilating.  ])f>rouH  Zf'iihyr  scalps, 
with  invisible  spring  d'Orsay  wliiskerH  -tin-  Diost  sur- 
prising deception  ever  witnessed ! — Impossible  to  detect ! " 


672  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Captaiu  Doleful  was  silent,  for  he  thouglit  they  would 
be  dear. 

"Sell  an  immense  numLer  of  them,"  continued  Mr, 
Frizwig,  still  trimming  the  whiskers.  "  Perhaps  yon 
know  Captain  Orlando  Smith,  the  gentleman  who  stood 
for  Tanntou  at  the  last  election  ?  " 

The  captain  said  "  No." 

"  Indeed !  s'ciise  the  liberty,  but  you  are  so  like,  I 
thoucrht  you  mig-ht  be  brothers.  Well,  his  'air  was  just 
like  yours — thin  at  the  top.  strong  be'ind,  and  I  rigged 
him  out  with  a  scalp  and  whiskers,  so  neat  and  so  natural 
that  he  won  all  the  gals'  'earts  in  the  borough.  If  they'd 
had  votes  he'd  have  been  returned.  Gals  like  whiskers. 
You  never  see  a  newly  married  man  but  his  whiskers 
have  always  increased." 

"  And  what  is  the  price  of  them  ? "  inquired  the 
captain,  recollecting  how  Miss  Jelly  had  admired  him 
in  his  fancy-dress  moustache. 

"  All  prices,  sir  !  all  prices ! — Twenty  shillings  upwards. 
Allow  me  to  show  you  some.  Enoch!"  callingr  to  his 
foreman,  "  bring  half-a-dozen  patent  zephyr  scalps,  dark, 
with  invisible  spring  d'Orsay  whiskers." 

While  the  ajjprentice  was  looking  them  out,  Mr. 
Frizwig  took  a  pair  of  large  scissors  and  cut  a  great 
patch  off  the  captain's  thin-haired  crown. 

"  What  are  you  after  now,  man  ? "  exclaimed  he, 
jumping  off  the  chair. 

"  Only  preparing  a  place  for  the  spring  to  act  upon," 
replied  Mr.  Frizwig.  coolly.  "  You  are  exactly  like 
Captain  Orlando  Smith,  the  gentleman  who  stood  for 
Taunton  at  the  last  election.  He  would  have  that  I  had 
spoiled  him  when  I  did  so,  but,  my  word !  when  he 
saw  himself  in  his  new  ornaments,  I  heard  no  more  of 
that. — Allow  me  now,  sir,"  continued  he,  bowing  most 
obsequiously,  and  pf)inting  to  the  chair,  "  to  have  the 
honour  of  rigging  you  out  the  same  way." 

Captain  Doleful,  somewhat  testy,  but  hoping  for  the 
best,  then  resumed  his  seat,  and  Mr.  Frizwig,  with  the 
aid  of  Enoch,  proceeded  to  exhibit  sundry  scalps  and 
whiskers.  "  Too  light,"  said  Mr.  Frizwig,  rejecting 
three  or  four  in  succession.  "Too  dark,"  continued  he, 
holding  one  to  Captain  Doleful's  head.  "  Haven't  you 
one  with  a  shade  of  grey  in  it  ?  " 

"There  is  a  aliijht  tinge  of  grey  in  your  'air," 
whispered  Mr.  Frizwig  confidentially,  as  Enoch  retui-ned 
to  the  shop,  "  which,  I  have  little  doubt,  the  grand 
Scandinavian  extract  of  Patagonian  cream  will  entirely 


DOLEFUL   PREPARED   FOR   THE    SIEGE  673 

remove  ;  but,  as  you  only  intend  wearinpr  the  scalp  until 
your  own  'air  gets  strong,  it  will  be  better  to  match  it 
now.  than  to  get  a  scalp  of  the  colour  your  'air  will  be 
'ereafter." 

'■  But  I  haven't  made  up  my  mind  to  have  one  at  all 
yet,"  observed  the  captain  snappishly. 

"  Ah,  you're  exactly  like  Captain  Orlando  Smith,  the 
gentleman  who  stood  for  Taunton  at  the  last  election," 
repeated  the  audacious  jjerruquier.  "  Nothing  could 
persuade  him  that  I  was  not  cheating  him,  and,  indeed, 
he  tlu'eatened  to  call  the  jjolice  ;  but,  when  he  saw  him- 
self, he  was  so  delighted  that,  in  his  'urry  to  show 
Ijimself ,  he  left  his  new  alpaca  umbrella  and  cotton  gloves 
on  the  counter.  Ah,  now  this'U  be  the  ticket ! "  added 
he,  taking  an  iron-grey  scalp  out  of  Enoch's  hand — 
"  Allow  me,  sir,"  to  the  captain,  putting  the  scalp  on 
his  head  and  expanding  it  over  the  crown. 

****** 

"Delightful!"  exclaimed  he,  getting  in  front  and 
looking  the  cajjtain  full  in  the  face. — "  A  /« tie  fartlier 
back,  Enoch.  That'll  do.  Now  fasten  the  clasp. 
Charming  match  !    Don't  think  I  ever  saw  a  better." 

"Now  down  with  the  d'Orsays,"  continued  he,  pro- 
ceeding to  lower  his  side  of  the  bushy  whiskers  under 
the  captain's  chin ;  addiug,  as  they  fell  hy  the  sides  of 
his  cadaverous  countenance,  '"  beautiful  indeed  !  the  very 
man  himself. — D'Orsay,  sir,  was  the  greatest  swell,  sir, 
the  world  ever  saw,  sir.  Yes,  sir,  the  greatest  swell,  sir, 
the  world  ever  saw,  sir;  and  you  are  amazingly  like  'im, 
sir:  yes,  sir,  amazingly  like  'im,  sir." 

"But  I  don't  look  a  hit  like  myself,"  exclaimed  the 
captain,  tartly,  eyeing  his  hirsute  appearance  in  the 
glass. 

"  Paradoxical  as  it  may  appear,  sir,  my  motto  is  '  art 
before  nature.'  "  rejjlied  Mr.  Frizwig.  "  This  scalp  and 
whiskers  possess  an  elegance  and  gracofulness  of 
contour  almost  unattainable.  Stoj)  till  you'ie  used  to 
them  a  little,"  added  he,  giving  tlie  horse-hair-looking 
beard  an  inward  twitch.  "  There  may  be  a  fcctlc  fulness 
round  the  chin,  but  that  is  easily  remedied,"  added 
Mr.  Frizwig,  tiiUing  the  large  scissors  and  cutting  about 
half-an-incli  off.  "  Now,"  said  he,  "  how  do  you  like  it  'f  " 

"  Wliy,  it's  more  like  the  thing,"  replied  Caotain 
Doleful,  grinning  through  the  great  collar  of  horse-Lair  ; 
"  but  I  should  say  it  is  still  much  too  full." 

"  You  inii.sf  have  it  full,  you  know,  or  where  would  be 
the  use  of  having  a  porous  zephyr  scalp  and  d'Orsay 

X    X 


674  HANDLEY   CROSS 

whiskers  at  all  ?  I  slioulcl  say  you  look  now  as  you  ought 
to  do,  and  as  you  did  before  your  'air  got  so  thin. 
Wouldn't  you,  Enoch  ?  "  Enoch  thought  it  a  charming 
match  and  fit,  too. 

"  The  hair  matches  well  enough,  perhaps,"  observed 
the  captain;  "  but  it  is  the  whiskers  I  object  to.  They 
are  too  large — too  bushy,  and  look  altogether  too  much 
like  what  one  sees  on  a  barber's  block." 

"  That's  the  perfection  of  the  thing!  They  look  like 
art  naturalized.  Nobody  would  even  suspect  that  they 
were  not  your  own  whiskers.  They'i'e  too  large  to  be 
false.  As  you  walk  up  street  now,  you'll  hear  the  ladies 
exclaim, '  What  beautiful  whiskers  ! '  Just  as  they  did 
to  Captain  Orlando  Smith,  when  he  stood  for  Taunton." 

The  captain  twitched  and  pulled  the  whiskers  and 
beard,  and  scanned  himself  minutely. 

'■  If  you  would  allow  me  to  cut  off  the  remnants 
of  your  own  whiskers,"  observed  Mr.  Frizwig,  '*  these 
new  ones  would  sit  much  closer,  and  have  a  more 
natural  air;"  saying  which  he  gently  lifted  a  whisker, 
and  with  his  large  scissors  laid  one  cheek  bare  before 
the  captain  had  time  to  say  nay. 

"  Confound  it,  I  wish  you  wouldn't  be  quite  so  handy 
with  your  scissors,"  observed  the  captain  with  a  frown. 

"  Beg  pardon,"  bowed  the  obsequious  barber,  "  but  I 
think  you'll  agree  with  me  that  that's  a  decided  improve- 
ment— Isn't  it,  Enoch  ?  " 

"  Looks  uncommon  well  now,"  rejjlied  Enoch,  grinning. - 
"  Doesn't  the  gen'leman  think  so  himself  P  "  ■ 

Doleful  did  not  deign  a  reply.  He  sat  twisting  and 
turning  and  examining  himself  first  in  the  mirror,  then 
in  the  hand-glass,  then  in  the  hand-glass  and  mirror 
conjointly,  trying  if  he  could  make  himself  believe  he 
looked  as  he  did  when  he  came  in.  The  whiskers 
certainly  were  tremendous — strong,  coarse,  black  hair, 
with  a  uniform  inward  curl.  Still  we  do  not  mean  to 
say  that  we  luive  not  seen  as  big  a  pair,  though  certainly 
not  on  so  unhealthy  a  soil  as  the  captain's  cheeks. 

"  What's  to  pay  ?  "  at  length  inquired  he,  adjustiu. 
his  embroidered  collars  over  his    mohair    stock,    an 
putting  on  his  coat :  "  you'll  not  charge  for  cutting 
course  ?  " 

'■  Let  me  see,"  replied  Mr.  Frizwig,  inibbing  his  hands — 
"  any  'air-brushes,  tooth-brushes,  sponges,  soap  wanted  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Captain  Doleful,  dryly. 

'■  Just  a  ten-shilling  pot  of  Scandinavian  extract. — No 


i 


DOLEFUL   PREPARED   FOR   THE   SIEGE  675 

curling  fluid,  tooth-powder,  lavender  water  P     Got  some 
uncommonly  genuine  Eau  de  Cologne." 

"No!  No!"  interrupted  the  captain;  "I  only  want  a 
half-crown  pot  of  extract,  that,  and  a  shilling  discount  off 
the  sovereign,  will  be  a  guinea  and  sixpence — say  a 
guinea." 

"  Beg  pardon,  scalp,  six-and-twenty." 

"  How  s  that  ?  you  said  a  sovereign." 

"  From  a  sovereign." 

"  I  understood  you  to  say  that  a  sovereign  was  the 
price,  or  I  wouldn't  have  had  one." 

"Beg  pardon,  sir,  you  quite  misunderstood  me.  No 
doubt  you  could  have  one  for  a  sovereign,  but  it 
would  be  a  thing  like  a  door-mat,  without  the  invisible 
spring  d'Orsay  whiskers." 

"  Invisible  spring  d'Orsay  fiddle-sticks  ! "  growled 
the  captain.    "  I  wanted  nothing  of  the  sort." 

'■  Beg  ten  thousand  pardons,  sir, — shall  be  happy  to 
take  it  back,  I'm  sure." 

"  And  what  am  I  do  without  my  own  whisker  that  you 
cut  off  ?  "  inquired  the  captain  angrily. 

"  The  Scandinavian  extract  'ill  soon  restore  it ! " 

"  Scandinavian  devil ! — Well,  come,  six-and-twenty," 
repeated  the  captain,  producing  his  old  leather  purse. 

'■  Scalp,  six-and-twenty ;  invisible  spring-whiskers, 
ten — one  pound  sixteen." 

"  Hold !  "cried  the  captain,"  I  won't  be  imposed  upon  !  " 

"  Sir  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Frizwig,  in  a  tone  of  dignified 
astonishment,  drawing  liimself  up.  "  We  are  not  accus- 
tomed to  such  lan<,niage  here." 

"  I  tell  you.  sir,"  said  the  cai>tain,  "  that  you  gave  me 
to  understand  the  Kcalp  and  whiskers  were  a  pound." 

"  I  don't  know  what  your  comprehension  may  be  equal 
to,"  replied  Mr.  Frizwig,  rubbing  his  hands,  "but  I 
assure  you,  one  pound  sixteen  sliillings  is  my  price,  and 
one  pound  sixteen  shillings  I  mean  to  have,  or  you  may 
do£E  your  head-dress  as  soon  as  you  like.  Enoch,  mind 
the  door  !  "  giving  his  foreman  a  wink. 

•  •#**» 

"Take  it  then!"  screamed  the  captain,  dashing  the 
money  on  the  counter;  "and  if  ever  I  set  foot  in  your 
shop  again,  I  hoi)e  I  may  be — " 

"Shut  up  ahon,  Enoch  !  shut  up  shop!"  exclaimed 
Mr.  Frizwig  to  his  apprentice.  "It's  all  over  with  us; 
this  veneratle  ourang-outang  says  he  won't  come  back;" 
saying  which  master  and  man  bui-st  into  a  loud  guffaw, 
in  the  midst  of  which  Captain  Doleful  hurried  away. 


CHAPTER  LXXII 


MKS.   JOKROCKS   FURIOUS 

RS.    JORROCKS 

veceiA'ecl  the  captain  as 
a  lady  would  hev  in- 
tended nephew.  She 
was  somewhat  struck 
with  the  change  in  his 
a]Ji)eai'ance,  but  said 
nothing-;  and  Belinda, 
not  having  seen  him  for 
8ome  time,  and  not 
understanding  the 
management  of  whis- 
kers, thought  nothing 
of  it. 

Dinner  being  an- 
nounced. Mrs.  Jorrocks 
motioned  the  Captain 
to  take  Belinda,  while 
she  complacently 
followed  in  the  rear,  admiring  Belinda's  beautifully 
rounded  form,  set  off  by  the  simple  drapery  of  Indian 
muslin,  and  the  captain's  gaunt  figure— the  handsomest 
couple  she  had  ever  seen— seem  made  for  each  other— 
the  usual  '"common  form,"  in  fact,  as  Bill  Bowker 
would  say. 

They  had  mutton-broth  and  mackerel  for  dmner, 
roast  beef,  boiled  chickens,  and  tongue;  and  the  captain, 
liaving  only  had  a  second-class  coffee-room  breakfast 
(bread  with  one  egg),  plied  an  uncommonly  good 
knife  and  f ork— ratlier  better,  perhaps,  than  might  have 
ijeen  expected,  considering  the  delicacy  of  his  situation. 
Belinda  trifled  with  her  dinner,  for  the  sake  of  drowning 
the  comparisons  that  every  moment  arose  between  her 
death's-head-looking  neighbour  and  he  who  so  long  had 
sat  at  her  side. 
Immediately  after  dinner,  at  least  immediately  after 


MRS.   JORROCKS   FURIOUS  677 

her  second  bumper  of  port,  Mrs.  Jorrocks  had  arran.i?ed 
to  be  called  out  by  Betsy  ;  and  answerin^f  the  summous. 
she  desired  Belinda  to  entertain  the  cajitain  until  her 
return. 

Our  hero  now  bepan  to  take  fright,  and  wrinkling  his 
face  like  a  man  with  a  very  tight  shoe,  he  attempted  to 
force  a  conversation  about  indifferent  things  :  "  Did  she 
like  Handley  Cross  or  London  best  ?  Great  Coram 
Street  was  certainly  a  very  charming  situation,  airy  and 
clean.  But  nothing  could  he  nicer  than  Diana  Lodge. 
Supposed  she  knew  the  Barningtons  were  not  going  to 
return — had  gone  to  live  at  Boulogne,  where  they  were 
quite  the  head  people  of  the  place.  Hoped  the  hounds 
would  not  be  given  up  at  Handley  Cross,  and  had  she 
beard  of  Mr.  Stobbs  lately  ?  " 

This  last  was  too  much  for  ])oor  Belinda.  Her  utter- 
ance became  choked.  She  rose  from  her  seat,  and 
hurned  out  of  the  room. 

•  ***## 

"  Is  that  you.  Belinda  ?  "  inquired  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  in  a 
suppressed  tone  of  anger,  hearing  a  light  footstep  pass 
the  drawiug-rooni  door  and  proceed  upstairs. 

Without  waiting  for  an  answer,  our  hostess  hurried 
out  to  see,  and  caught  a  glimpse  of  Belinda's  petticoats 
whisking  round  the  landing-place. 

•  «**** 

"  Didn't  I  toll  you  to  sit  with  the  capt'iu  till  T  ciime 
down  i*  "  inquired  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  in  a  voice  stilh^d  with 
i*age,  "and  here,  you  minx,  you  have  the  unmannerly 
iniperence  to  leave  him  all  alone — Vot  do  you  meanp'' 
screamed  she,  closing  the  door. 

"Aunt,"  replied  Belinda  firmly,  "you  can't  frighten 
me.  Where  no  ho])(;  is  left,  is  loft  no  iviu;  iind  1  toll  you 
moat  decidedly  that  soouei'  than  maiTy-  oh  I  sooner  th;in 
think  of,  that  hon-id  man,  I'll  throw  my.self  out  of  the 
window !  " 

"Fool!"  ejaculated  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  limrying  down- 
stairs to  the  ca[)tain. 

"And  'ow  do  yon  get  on?"  in(|nired  she,  entering 
the  parlour  witli  a  smiie  on  her  countenance. 

"  Oh, pretty  well,  I  think,"  rei)lied  tiie  (raf)t;iin,  who  had 
taken  advantage  of  Belinda's  al)Ken('e  tofiill  foul  upon  a 
preserved  orange,  witli  which  he;  hiid  his  ni<Hitii  jilenti- 
Tully  crammed.  "Site's  shy,  you  know,  bnt  I  make  in; 
donbt  she'll  soon  come  to." 

"All    gills  an;  Hliy  at   first,"    iepli<;d    Mrs.    .fornx-ks ; 


678  HANDLEY  CROSS 

"  indeed,  tbey  wouldn't  be  fit  foi-  wives  if  they  weren't. 
Bless  us !  I  remember  how  frightened  I  was  the  first 
hoffer  I  got.  You  must  be  gentle  with  her.  poor  thing ! 
— she's  never  been  used  to  no  'arshness,"  continued 
Mrs.  JoiTocks,  as  the  captain  scraped  up  the  syrup  with 
a  spoon. 

"  That  I  will,"  said  he,  licking  his  lips ;  "  she  shall  have 
everything  she  wants — sable  tippets,  chinchilla  mutf— 
phaeton — footman — ' ' 

tP  fl»  "iP  i("  ■W  W 

Tea  followed,  and  Mrs.  Jorrocks  having  apologized  for 
the  absence  of  Belinda  on  the  usual  plea  of  headache, 
and  the  captain  and  she  having  played  at  cross  purposes 
about  the  relative  fortunes  until  each  was  tired,  he  at 
length  took  liis  departure,  promising  a  speedy  return. 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  then  applied  herself  seriovxsly  to  the 
consideration  of  Belinda's  case.  She  was  sadly  bothered 
how  to  manage  her. 

The  captain  evidently  was  to  be  had,  but  how  to  get 
rid  of  that  "  'orrid  Yorkshireman  "  was  more  than  Mrs. 
Jorrocks  could  devise. 

She  had  certainly  encouraged  Belinda  to  like  him,  and 
there,  perhaps,  she  was  to  blame  (without  knowing  what 
he  had),  but  then  Mr.  Jorrocks  was  the  great  promoter 
of  the  thing,  and  she  had  only  now  acquired  the  power 
of  putting  a  veto  upon  it.  That  power  she  was  deter- 
mined to  use. 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  was  a  woman  without  personal  friends  ; 
all  her  acquaintance  being  the  acquaintance  of  her 
husband,  and  partaking  more  or  less  of  his  honest 
integrity.  Long  and  anxiously  did  she  ruminate  who 
she  could  call  to  her  counsels,  and  who  would  be  most 
likely  to  aid  her.  Mrs.  Barker  would  blab ;  Mrs.  Brown 
would  rather  hurt  her  than  aid  her ;  if  she  let  Mrs. 
Flower  into  the  seci-et,  she  would  try  to  get  Chai-les  for 
one  of  her  own  "  ugly  gals  " ;  and  altogether  Mrs.  JoiTOcks 
was  very  much  puzzled. 

The  only  person  to  whom  she  thought  she  could  with  j 
safety  apply  was  Mr.  Bowker,  and  to  him  she  addressed  j 
the  following  note  :  — 

"  Mrs.  Jorrocks's  comp*".  Mr.  Bowker,  and  I  will  thanl 
you  to  come  and  see  me  as  soon  as  you  can. 
"  Great  Coram  Street." 

****** 

"  Curse  your  impudence!  what  do  you  mean  by  knock-] 


MRS.   JOREOCKS   FURIOUS  679 

ingr  that  way,  you  little  brazen  beprffav!  "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Bowker,  opening  the  door  of  old  Twister's  chambers  to  a 
long'  and  loud  rat-tat-tat-tat-tan  from  our  friend,  Mr. 
Benjamin  Brady,  whom  Mi-s.  Jorrocks  had  reinstated  in 
his  pagehood. 

Mr.  Bowker  was  deeply  engaged,  looking  out  "common 
forms "  for  a  settlement  of  parties  "  in  a  desperate 
hun-y,"  and  Mr.  Brady's  summons  startled  both  him 
and  old  Twister. 

"  What  an  audacious  little  rascal  you  are !  "  continued 
Bill;  "you  knock,  I  declare,  just  as  if  you  were  a 
Queen's  counsel." 

"And  so  I  am  a  Queen's  counsel."  replied  Benjamin. — 
"counsel  to  the  old  gal  in  Great  Coram  Street;  and 
here,  I've  brought  you  a  brief,"  presenting  Bill  with  the 
note. 

•  *###* 

"  Cui"se  the  old  fool !  what  can  she  want  with  me  ? " 
muttered  Bill,  as  he  read  it.  "  Mischief,  I'll  be  bound. — 
ungrammatical  old  jade!  "Compliments  Mr.  Bowker' — 
Mr.  Bowker  wants  none  of  her  compliments  !  " 

"  Make  my  compliments  to  your  mistress,"  said  Bill, 
with  great  dignity,  "  and  say  I'll  be  with  her  at  dinner- 
time— that's  to  say,  one  o'clock  or  a  little  after;  and  see, 
the  next  time  you  come,  that  you  knock  a  little  quieter, 
or  I'll  knock  your  head  off  your  shoulders  !  " 

"  Vill  you  't  "  rejoined  Benjamin  ;  "  you'll  find  yourself 
in  the  wrong  box,  if  you  do,"  said  he,  spitting  ujjon 
Bowker,  and  running  downstairs  as  hard  as  ever  he 
could  go. 

"  Nasty  little  beast !  "  exclaimed  Bowker,  returning 
from  the  chase,  and  wij)ing  his  (i^iht.s  a.s  he  ascended  the 
stairs ;  "  that  l)oy'll  bo  h\ing  :is  sure  as  a  gun  !  "  with 
which  comfortable  assurance  Bill  rntm^ned  to  his  office, 
and  liusied  liimself  with  his  common  forms  and  in 
thinking  what  Mrs.  .lorrocks  could  want. 

•  ••«•« 

When  one  o'clock  came,  instead  of  repairing  to  "  The 
Feathers."  or  to  any  fif  his  faiiiiliar  diuing-houses.  Mi-. 
Bowker  wended  his  way  to  Grrtat  (Joram  Street.  Many 
were  his  conjectures  as  to  the  cause  of  iiis  Hunnnons,  Iils 
ideas  partaking  of  tlie  character  of  the  streets  tiirough 
which   he  passed— gloomy  when   in  narrow  ones,  and 


080  HANDI.EY   CROSS 

briglitenino-  as  lie  entered  upon  the  wider  expanse  and 
purer  atmosphere  of  the  Foundling  Hospital  and  Bruns- 
wick Square.  At  leuo-tli  he  stood  at  Mrs.  Jorroeks's 
door — that  door  at  wbicli  he  had  so  often  stood  in  sad- 
ness and  in  joy,  but  which  he  had  never  re-ijassed  un- 
comforted, 

*^  ^  ^  J^  M, 

w  ^r  ^^  TP  TV 

Mrs.  Jorrocks  was  alone  in  the  front  drawing-room. 
The  chintz  covers  were  on  the  chairs  and  screens,  and  a 
blue  cloth  covered  the  round  table  at  which  she  sat, 
with  a  pile  of  bills,  letters,  papers,  and  memorandum 
books  befoi-e  her. 

"  Good  mornin',  Mr.  Bowker,"  said  she  in  a  melan- 
choly tone,  motioning  our  friend  to  a  vacant  chair  on 
the  opposite  side  of  the  table. 

Bowker  pulled  a  long  face,  and  unbuttoning  his 
leopard-like  Taglioni,  sidled  a  respectful  portion  of  his 
person  on  to  the  chair,  and,  bending  forward,  rested  his 
right  hand  on  his  gold-headed  cane. 

^  'K*  •JP  ^r  ^F  Vt* 

"  Sad  business,  this,  Mr.  Bowker,"  observed  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks, with  a  sigh. 

"  Very  sad,  indeed,"  replied  Bill. 

"  You  never  suspected  nothin'  of  the  sort,  did  you.  Mr. 
Bowker  ?  " 

*'  Oh,  never,  indeed!  " 

"  Werry  shockin',"  continued  Mrs.  Jorrocks ;  "  don't 
know  what's  to  become  on  us." 

"  I  should  hope  there's  no  fear  of  your  being  well  pro- 
vided for,"  observed  Bill. 

"  Oh,  it  am't  myself  that  I  cares  about,  Mr.  Bowker," 
replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks;  "but  what's  to  become  of  that 
poor  dear  child— she  who  has  lived  with  us  so  long,  that 
1  looks  i^pon  her  in  the  light  of  a  darter  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  should  hope  there  will  be  no  difficulty  about 
her,"  replied  Mr.  Bowker. 

"They  won't  allow  nothin'  for  her  keep,"  continued 
Mrs.  JoiTocks,  Aviping  her  eye. 

"  Indeed  !  "  replied  Mr.  Bowker. 

"  They  say  the  Chancellor's  to  manage  matters,  both 
here  and  in  the  Lane,  and  I  shall  only  have  as  much  as 
will  keep  myself  genteel." 

"  Indeed  !  "  replied  Mr.  Bowker ;  adding,  "  But  what 
is  Mr.  Stobbs  about  ?     Why  doesn't  he  marry  her  ?  " 

"  Don't  mention  liis  'on-id  name !  "  screamed  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks. "  I  wei'i-ily  believes  he's  been  the  cause  of  all  the 
mischief." 


MRS.  JORROCKS  FURIOUS  681 

"  Indeed  !"  repeated  Mr.  Bowker,  wondering  what  Lad 
happened. 

'■  Idle  feller !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks. 

"  He  certainly  was  not  a  worker  when  lie  was  with 
U8,"  observed  Mr.  Bowker;  "but  he'll  bave  a  nice 
fortune,  won't  he  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  knows  notbin'  about  fortin',"  replied  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks ;  "  money  alone  won't  make  'appiness." 

"  Tnie,"  observed  Mr.  Bowker,  thinking  it  went  a  long 
way. 

'*  I  should  like  to  see  her  marry  some  nice,  quiet, 
respectable  person,  wot  would  be  kind  to  lier  when  ber 
l)oor  huncle  and  I  are  gone."  sobl^ed  Mrs.  Jorrocks, 
covering  ber  face  with  a  dirty  linen  handkerchief. 

Mr.  Bowkei-  was  beat  for  an  answer ;  he  couldn't  see 
liis  way. 

"  Such  a  man.  now,  as  Capt'in  Doleful."  resumed  Mrs. 
Jorrocks,  finding  Mr.  Bowker  remained  silent :  "  any 
religioiis,  quiet,  charitable  person,  rather  than  that  hare- 
brained YorkBliireman.  Fox-'unters  are  all  queer,"  added 
she,  putting  her  finger  to  her  forehead  ;  "  get  shook  out 
'unting." 

"  Captain  Doleful's  a  very  nice  man,  I  su])pose," 
obsei-ved  Mr.  Bowker,  looking  at  his  Hessian  boots. 

"  Oh,  he's  a  clun-min'  man,"  responded  Mrs.  Jorrocks ; 
"  you  don't  know  what  a  comfort  he  was  to  me  at  the 
Spa." 

"  Indeed !  "  observed  Mr.  Bowker,  "  very  genteel,  too, 
isn't  he  ?  " 

"  He's  quite  the  go  at  'Andley  Cross,"  replied  Mrs. 
Jorrocks. 

"  Then  he'd  be  the  go  anywhere,  I  should  think," 
observed  Mr.  Bowker,  tucking  the  ends  of  his  blue  satin 
neckcloth  into  his  red  tartan  waistcoat,  and  contem- 
plating his  drab  stocking-net  pantaloons  and  Hessian 
iioota. 

"  Mr.  Bowker,"  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  after  a  long  pause, 
during  which  she  shuffled  among  some  pajjers,  and 
ajiplied  a  large  blue  HmcUinti'-botlle  to  her  nose, — "  Mr. 
Bowker,"  rejicatod  she,  "in  lookin' through  Jun's  drawers 
I  find  some  meins,  about  some  money  you  (jwes  him.'' 

"  Indeed  1 "  said  Bill,  colouring  up  to  the  redness  of 
his  wai8t<'oat. 

"  A  luindred  pounds  and  interest,"  continued  Mrs. 
Jorrocks,  eyeing  him  intently. 

"  One  year's  interest  on  fifty,  and  half  a  year's  on  the 


682  HANDLEY  CROSS 

same  sum ;  I  have  it  all  down  in  my  casli-book  in  Eajrle 
Street.  I'll  g-ive  you  a  cheque  for  it  now,"  continued  Bill, 
diving  into  his  back  pocket  in  search  of  his  cheque-book 
— a  search  that  he  mipht  have  continued  some  time,  had 
not  Mrs.  Jorrocks  relieved  him  by  observing  that  she 
didn't  want  the  money,  she  only  Avished  to  know  that  all 
was  right. 

*'  Quite  right ! "  repeated  Bill,  in  his  usual  ofE-hand 
Avay ;  "  interest  on  fifty,  for  a  year,  two  pund  ten ;  on 
fifty,  for  half  a  year,  one  pund  five — three  ))und  fifteen, 
and  principal,  a  hundred— a  hundred  and  three  pund 
fifteen — you  can  have  it  any  day  for  sending  for.  We 
always  have  as  much  in  the  till  as  will  answer  that." 

"  Mr.  J.  'ill  be  a  great  loss  to  society,"  observed 
Bowker,  in  a  melancholy  tone,  anxious  to  turn  the  con- 
versation. 

"  Poor  man  !  "  i-esponded  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  with  a  sigh. 

"  Don't  know  who  we  shall  get  for  a  chairman  of  our 
Free-and-easy,  or  president  of  our  incorporated  society 
of  Good  Fellows ;  the  recordership  of  the  Wide-awake 
Club  will  be  vacant,  too.  Do  you  think  Captain  Doleful 
would  take  office  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Bowker. 

"Not  of  them  sort  of  things.  I  should  think,"  replied 
Mrs.  Jorrocks,  with  a  toss  of  the  head ;  "  the  capt'in's 
more  a  tea-and-Terpsichore  sort  of  man — werry  genteel." 

"  True,"  observed  Mr.  Bowker ;  "  but  just  for  the  sake 
of  popularity,  I  thought  perhaps  he  might  lend  us  a 
hand.     The  recordership's  a  high  office." 

"  He  cares  nothin'  for  poppilarity  now,"  replied  Mrs. 
Jorrocks ;  "  wot  should  a  man  with  a  thousand  pounds 
a  year  care  for  poppilarity  ?  " 

"  Ti-ue,"  assented  Mr.  Bowkei',  wishing  he  had  half  of 
it.  "  Why  shouldn't  he  make  a  good  match  for  Miss 
Belinda  ?  "  inquired  Bowker,  willing  to  help  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks to  her  point. 

'■  That's  just  what  I've  been  a  plannin'  of,"  replied  Mrs. 
Jorrocks,  with  a  knowing  leer, — "  that's  just  what  I've 
been  a  plannin'  of.  Now,"  continued  she,  after  a  pause, 
during  which  she  scrutinized  Mr.  Bowker  and  bagged 
her  dirty  pocket-handkerchief,  "  it's  no  use  you  and  I 
'umbuggin'  each  other." 

Bill  bowed  assent. 

"  Well,  then,  I  may  as  well  tell  you  at  startin'  that  I 
knows  all  about  the  money  and  the  shop — you  can  no 
more  pay  me  than  you  can  fly! " 

Bill  coloured  brightly. 

"  But  if  you  can't  pay  uie  in  cish,  you  can  pay  me  in 


MBS.   JORROCKS  FURIOUS  683 

kind,"  continued  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  anxious  to  relieve  her 
visitor's  uneasiness.  "  You  think  Captain  Doleful  will 
do  for  Belinda  ?  " 

"  Undoubtedly,  if  he  has  what  you  say,  and  will  keep 
her  a  gig."  (The  possession  of  a  gig  was  the  summit  of 
Bill's  worldly  ambition.)  ,10 

"A  fe-a-ton!"  replied  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  with  a  look  ot 
exultation. 

'•  He  must  be  had  !  "  obsei-ved  Bill,  with  a  wink  and  a 
nod.  ,  .       .    , 

"  So  say  I,"  replied  Mrs.  JoiTOcks;  "the  thing  is  how 

to  get  him."  ,, 

'•There    can't    be    anv    difficulty.    I    should    thmk, 

observed  Bill.     "  Beautiful  blue-eyed  girl— nice  foot  and 

ankle— swelling  figure— just  leave  them  together  a  bit, 

he'll  soon  come  to,  I  warrant." 

'•  Oh,  he's  all  nght,"  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks.    " It  s  Belinda 

that  bothers  me."  . 

"  She'll  surely  take  your  advice,"  observed  Bill,  m  a 

tone  of  confidence—"  at  least,  if  she  won't,  you  can  make 

ber."  .     ,, 

"  But  there's  tluit  confounded  Yorkshire  scamp  m  the 
way  !  "  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks  ;  "  and  she  vows  nothing  shall 
make  her  marry  another  so  long  as  he  i-emains  faithful." 

"  Silly  girl !  "  exclaimed  Bowker ;  "  that's  the  way  with 
them  all— just  as  if  there  weren't  as  good  fish  in  the  sea 
as  ever  came  out  of  it.  She  should  be  whipped  for 
throwing  away  such  a  cliance.  Far  better  to  ri.le  about 
town  in  a  fo-a-ton  than  pad  the  hoof  in  the  countiT, 
observed  Bill,  looking  at  the  slanting  heels  of  his 
Hessians. 

"Far!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks, 

"  Girls  are  queer  cattle,"  observed  Bowker,  after  a 
pause.  "  Lucky  when  they  have  older  heads  than  then- 
own  to  keep  them  right." 

"'Deed  is  it!"  said  Mrs.  JoiTOcks ;  adding,  with  a 
shake  of  her  hoad.  "  HdiiKla's  wcny  obstinate." 

"Pity!"  said  Mr.  Howkcr,  wlio  was  a  groat  admirer 
of  beauty.     "  I  always  tliought  slif-  was  very  amiable." 

"  Fiddle  hamiablel"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  angrily. 
"  Hugly  girls  are  hamiable." 

"  Wf'll,  but  I  thought  sho'd  have  done  what  you  liked, 
said   Mr.  Bowker.     "I'm   Hure  slie  ought,  after  all  your 
kindueHH."  .    , 

"  Well;   but  it's  not  never  of  no   use   speckilatm    on 


084  HANBLEY   CROSS 

what  she  onpfht  to  do,"  rejoinecl  Mrs.  Jovrocks,  anxious  to 
make  her  point,  "  I  tells  yon  she  won't,  and  that's  poz  !  " 

"  Then  we  must  see  if  Ave  can't  make  her,"  said  Bill, 
somewhat  reluctantly ;  for,  rogue  as  he  was,  he  had  still 
a  tinge  of  kindness  left  in  his  composition. 

"  And  you'll  help  meP"  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  inquiringly. 

Bill  bowed  again. 

"  Well,  now,  I'll  tell  you  wot,"  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks, 
turning  Bill's  I.  0.  U.'s  over  in  a  careless  sort  of  way, 
"if  you  can  manage  to  choke  Stobbs  off,  and  get  the 
capt'in  on,  I'll  put  these  writin's  in  the  fire." 

'■  I'll  do  my  best,  I'm  sure,"  said  Bill,  delighted  at  the 
prospect  of  a  clearance. 

"  It  must  be  managed  gingei-ly,"  observed  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks. 

"  '  Love  may  die  by  slow  decay, 

But  by  sudden  -wrench  believe  not 
Hearts  can  thus  be  torn  away,"  " 

replied  Mr.  Bowker,  flourishing  his  right  hand  as  he 
spoke. 

"  You  II  manage  it,  I  think,"  said  Mi-s.  Jorrocks,  cheer- 
fully. 

"  If  she's  of  womankind,"  replied  Bill. 

"  Get  Stobbs  off,  and  there  will  be  little  diflSculty  in 
getting  the  capt'in  on,"  said  Mrs.  Jorrocks  ;  "  only  you 
know,"  added  she,  "  a  woman  never  gives  hup  a  man 
short  o'  the  church  door." 

"No,"  mused  Bill — "  no,  but  I  think  I  can  choke  lier 
off — make  her  believe  he's  manned  already,  how  would 
that  do  ?  " 

"  Capital,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  clapping  her 
hands,  "  nothin'  coxild  be  better.  That  would  settle  the 
business  at  once,"  added  she,  "for  a  man  that's  married 
is  as  good  as  dead  to  any  other  woman." 

"  But  my  hour  is  almost  come  ! "  observed  Bill,  start- 
ing up,  as  he  drew  a  richly  chased  pinchbeck  watch  from 
his  waistcoat-pocket,  and  saw  it  wanted  but  ten  minutes 
to  two,  at  which  time  he  had  "  to  render  up  himself  "  to 
old  Twister  and  present  him  with  a  ship-biscuit  for 
luncheon.  He  bid  Mrs.  Jorrocks  a  hasty  adieu,  and 
half  happy,  half  wretched,  retraced  his  steps  to  Lincoln's 
Inn. 

"Needs  must  when  the  devil  drives!"  said  Bill,  as 
he  hurried  along;  "but  I'd  rather  do  anything  tlian 
injure  that  poor  blue-eyed  beauty.  Nice  little  thing, 
with  her  i^retty  taper  fingers,  that  used  to  shake  hands 


MRS.  JOREOCKS   FURIOUS  685 

with  uie  so  kindly  ; "  and  the  luore  Bill  thought  of  his 
task,  the  less  he  liked  it.  Still  he  saw  no  way  of  helping 
himself,  for  well  he  knew  that  Mrs.  Jorrocks  was 
merciless,  and  having  got  him  in  her  power,  she  would 
grind  him  to  the  groimd. 

He  wanted  no  dinner,  for  his  appetite  had  fled  ;  added 
to  which,  old  Twister  was  in  the  sulks,  and  did  nothing 
but  abuse  him  for  bringing  the  wrong  common  forms. 

Difficult  was  Mr.  Bowker's  task.  He  paced  round  his 
little  cage  of  an  office  like  a  wild  beast  on  the  fret.  No 
settled  plan  of  proceeding  occurred  to  his  inventive 
genius.  We  question  if  he  could  have  succeeded  single- 
handed  ;  but  wisely  judging,  that  where  women  are  con- 
cerned women  would  be  the  best  advisers,  he  enlisted 
Mrs.  Bowker's  cunning  in  the  cause,  by  the  lure  of  a 
long  wished-for  ring. 

A  third  person  was  afterwards  added  in  Miss  Shimmers, 
or  rather  Miss  Howard,  of  Sadler's  Wells  Theatre,  with 
whom  it  ultimately  was  an-anged  a  sham  register-office 
maiTiage  should  be  concocted,  the  certificate  of  which 
should  be  handed  to  Mrs.  Jorrocks,  who  was  so  delighted 
with  the  scheme  and  with  Bill's  sagacity  that  she  pre- 
sented him  with  a  five-jjound  note  for  his  trouble.  It  was 
just  what  Bill  wanted  to  enable  him  to  purchase  a  beau- 
tifully carved  Pnnce  Le  Boo  nigger  he  had  seen  down  in 
Shadwell,  which  he  thought  if  he  only  could  get  for  his 
shop  door  it  would  he  the  making  of  him.  He,  therefore, 
immediately  slipped  on  his  old  broken-down  bargain- 
making  clothes,  and  partly  by  walking,  and  i)artly  by 
bu.ssing,  arrived  at  the  "marine  store"  where  the  object 
of  his  enrand  stood.  Prince  Le  Boo  was  a  magnificent 
nigger,  six  feet  high,  stout,  and  well  formed.  He  had  a 
snlendid  diadem,  full  of  parti-coloured  feathers,  and  wore 
the  dress  of  a  savage  chief.  He  liad  been  the  property  of 
some  East  End  Bowker,  who,  in  classical  language,  had 
"gone  to  the  wall";  and  liill,  in  his  nautical  jjeranibula- 
tions,  bad  often  admired  the  stately  ease  with  which  tlie 
Prince  faced  the  street,  offering  the  contents  of  his  snuff- 
box to  the  world.  When  the  owner  failed,  Bill  traced  the 
Prince  to  liis  purchaser,  and  often,  on  a  Saturday  after- 
noon, he  would  stroll  down  to  see  if  he  was  safe,  and 
envy  the  possession  of  him.  The  reader  may  judge  with 
what  joy  Bowker  i)laccd  liis  prize  in  a  cab,  ami  (hove  uj) 
to  Eagle  Street,  as  proud  aa  though  lie  were  riding  along- 
side the  Prince  of  Wales.  The  new  purchase  threw  the 
htlue-jacketed,  red-stripe-trousered  prt-dfcessor  into  the 
background,  and  Bill  sjjeut  £\0  in  advertising  his  estab- 


686  HANDLEY   CROSS 

lishmeut  as  Bowker's  '"  Splendid  Prince  Le  Boo  Snuff 
and  Tobacco  Warehouse,  and  Cigar  Divan,  &c.  The 
Trade  supplied." 

A  sparkling  paste  necklace  propitiated  Mrs.  Bowker 
for  the  apparent  extravagance,  and  Bill  replaced  Stobbs' 
wheat  earrings  with  a  coral  necklace,  and  added  a  false 
diamond  bandeau  as  an  equivalent  for  Susan's  shai-e  in 
the  venture  and  prize-money. 

That  no  man  is  a  match  ior  a  woman  till  he's  married, 
is  an  axiom  that  most  Benedicts  will  subscribe  to,  and 
Mrs.  Jorrocks  plied  the  "  mai'riage  lines  "  so  skilfully  and 
successfully  that  there  was  little  occasion  to  follow  up 
Belinda's  ultimatum  with  the  following  production  of 
her  own : — 

"  Mrs.  Jorrocks'  Comp''«  Mr.  Stobbs,  and,  sir,  I  am 
shocked  and  'orrified  beyond  all  mensuration  at  his  on- 
jjrincipled  conduct  to  my  niece,  which  must  be  extremely 
painful  both  to  Mrs.  Jorrocks's  pride  and  delicacy  ;  and, 
sir,  Mrs.  Jorrocks  begs  to  say  most  implicitly,  that  upon 
no  consideration  at  all  can  she  admit  Mr.  Stobbs  into  my 
house  in  Great  Coram  Street  again  any  more. 

"  Mrs.  Jorrocks  considers  it  an  interposition  of  Pro- 
vidence that  has  disclosed  Mr.  Stobbs'  wickedness,  and 
saved  Mrs.  Jorrocks'  niece  from  Mr.  Stobbs'  rascality. 
Mrs.  Jorrocks  considers  Mr.  Stobbs  far  worse  than  Mr. 
Cardeu. 

'■  P.S.^ — The  hat  and  trousers  you  left  with  her  are  left 
at  Mr.  Bowker's  ;  and  the  books  and  things  Mr.  Stobbs 
gave  Belinda,  Belinda  will  prefer  keeping  if  you  have  no 
objection." 


CHAPTER  LXXIII 

MR.   BOWKER'S    reflections 

'■  Thus  conscience  does  make  cowards  of  us  all,"  muttered 
Mr.  Bowker ; 

"  And  thus  the  native  hue  of  losolution 
Is  sicklied  o'er  with  the  pale  cast  of  thought ; 
And  enterprises  of  great  pith  aud  moment. 
With  this  regurd  their  currents  turn  awrj'. 
And  loee  the  name  of  action," 

continued  he,  pacing  home  from  Lincoln's  Inn  to  Eagle 
Street. 

The  shades  of  night  were  drawing  on.  The  gas  men 
hurried  from  pillar  to  i)ost;  early  shops  were  shutting 
up ;  and  it  was  time  to  illumine  the  cigar  divan  for  the 
genteel  young  people  they  were  letting  loose. 

Mr.  Bowker  was  unhapi)y— Prince  Le  Boo  had  not 
brought  him  the  comfort  he  expected.  The  snuli-mer- 
chant  was  conscience-stricken— he  had  had  no  peace  since 
he  sold  himself  to  Mrs.  Jorrocks.  Still  he  couldn't  help 
himself,  nor  could  he  help  repeating  the  lines  already 
•  juoted.  Belinda,  as  he  had  often  seen  her  at  Mrs. 
Jorrocks',  ajjpeared  before  him— so  young,  so  graceful, 
and  so  agreeable, — 

"  Sweet  as  tlic  dewy  milk-white  thorn  ; 
Dear  as  the  raptured  thrill  of  jo3'." 

Then  he  thought  of  Stobbs— recalled  his  first  coming 
to  chambers— his  open,  hearty  manner— and,  above  all, 
how  differently  Charles  treated  him  to  the  generality  of 
old  Twister's  pupils.  What  might  he  be  doing  then? 
Perhaps  brooding  over  his  misfortunes  — racking  his 
brain,  to  remember  anything  that  had  passed  that 
could  be  construed  into  a  promis(3  of  marriage. 

•■  Why  have  1  done  all  this:-"  asked  Bill.  "Oh,  curse 
the  day  tliat  saw  me  in  the  clutches  of  that  old  hag! 
continued  he,  as  his  interview  in  (ireat  Coram  Street 
came  to  his  recollection.  '"Who  would  fardels  bear  to 
groan  and  sweat  beneath  a  weaiy  life,  but  tha,t — ' 
B—  boy's  shoved  the  corner  of  the  shutter  right  into 


688  HANDLEY   CROSS 

the  pit  of  my  stomach ! "  exclaimed  Bill,  Lreakinj?  off 
and  doubling  himself  up.  "  Cursed  little  scamp ! "  added 
he,  straightening  himself,  and  seizing  the  boy  by  the  cuff 
of  the  neck,  and  bastinadoing  hiui  with  his  cane.  "What 
do  you  mean  by  flourishing  your  shutter  about  in  that 
way?  "  Whereupon  Bill  gave  the  boy  two  or  three  more 
hearty  whacks,  and  then  kicked  him  into  the  hosier's  shop. 

"Little  unmitigated  scamp !  "  continued  Bill,  hurrying 
on,  muttering  as  he  went,  "By  Jingo!  it  would  have  been 
just  the  same  thing  if  I'd  been  the  lord  mayor." 

Fearing  he  might  be  followed,  Bill  cut  on  as  quick  as 
he  could.  He  kept  close  to  the  wall,  and  rounded  the 
corner  into  Red  Lion  Street  at  something  between  a  walk 
and  a  run.  Unfortunately,  a  gentleman  had  just  stepped 
aside  to  tie  his  shoe-string,  and  Bill  went  a  somerset 
over  him  with  his  face  and  hands  in  the  kennel. 


Great  was  the  hubbub  !  Women  screamed  —  dogs 
barked — men  stood  and  laughed  —  and  boys  jumped 
about,  cheered,  and  clapped  their  hands. 

Bill  was  sadly  damaged;  both  hands  and  one  cheek 
Avere  covered  with  mud,  and  his  drab  tights  were  split 
across  the  knees. 

****** 

"  Confound  you,  sir ! "  roared  Bill,  gathering  himself 
up,  and  addressing  the  gentleman ;  "  what  the  d — 1  did 
you  do  tliat  for  ?  " 

"  I  was  only  tying  my  shoe-string !  "  replied  a  timid- 
looking  little  powdered  man  in  black,  eyeing  Bill  with 
unfeigned  fear. 

"  Tying  your  shoe-string  !  "  roared  Bill ;  "  d— n 
you,  sir,  you're  always  tying  your  shoe-string.  I've  a 
deuced  good  mind  to  commit  you  for  an  assault ! — Con- 
founded good  mind  to  commit  you  for  an  assault!  By 
Jove,  I  idUI  commit  you  for  an  assault !  Hanged  if  I 
wont  commit  you  for  an  assault !  What's  your  name  f 
I'll  send  you  to  Newgate  ! " 

****** 

Mr.  Bowker's  temper  was  sadly  ruffled.  His  neighbour 
BuUpit's  apprentice  shouted  and  roared,  and  Mrs.  Bowker 
even  was  graceless  enough  to  laugh  at  him,  as  he  entered 
his  shop  fresh  from  his  fall;  added  to  which,  she  had 
done  no  business  during  the  day,  and  Mrs.  Jorrocks  had 
sent  to  say  she  wanted  to  see  him  again. 


MR.   BOWKER  S   REFLECTIONS  689 

As  he  was  purgingr  himself  from  his  contempt,  as  he 
called  it,  and  beginning  to  regain  his  usual  equanimity, 
a  hansom  cab,  as  these  ugly  things  are  called,  rolled 
rapidly  up  the  street,  and,  passing  his  door,  pulled  up 
short  with  a  skate  before  his  window. 

"That's  here!"  exclaimed  Bill,  from  the  back  shop, 
where  he  was  washing;  "why  don't  you  light  up,  woman. 
and  let  our  clients  see  where  we  live  ?  "  inquired  he  of 
his  wife,  hurrying  on  his  night-coat  and  bustling  behind 
the  counter. 

A  youth  in  a  dark  mackintosh  jumped  out  of  the  cab 
and  entered  the  shop.  The  collar  was  up,  but  Bowker 
immediately  recognized  the  hat  and  eyes. 

"  Did  you  get  a  letter  from  me  ?  "  inquired  Charles, 
hastily,  undoing  the  collar  of  his  mackintosh  as  he  spoke. 

"  No— yes— no,"  replied  Mr.  Bowker,  confusedly,  "  all 
right." 

"All  right!— but  it's  not  all  right,"  repeated  Charles,— 
"I  think  it's  all  wi-ong.  Who  told  Mrs.  Jorrocks  this 
confounded  lie  ?  " 

"  Mrs.  Jorrocks  I  "  repeated  Mr.  Bowker ;  "  Mrs.  Jor- 
rocks—Mrs.  Jorrocks  — the  old  girl  in  Great  Coram 
Street !     Faith,  I  don't  know." 

"  Real  Havannalis.  tliose.  sir,"  turning  to  a  customer 
who  had  just  entered  the  shop.  "  The  ship  only  arrived 
the  day  befoie  yesterday,  and  I  took  the  whole  cargo- 
two  hundred  ton  in  my  warehouse.  Thank  ye,  sir— want 
a  case  to  put  them  in— great  variety  in  the  window— all 
prices.  New  one  there !— Prince  Albert  in  kilts,  shooting 
in  Scotland  —  most  popular  ])attern  — sold  three  dozen 
to-day— only  five  sliillings.  1'hank  you,  sir.  You  don't 
snuff,  I  siipijose!-'— got  some  of  tlie  jjurest  Lundyfoot  T 
ever  received  -  forty  barrels  —  four  hundred  pounds 
worth,  in  fact !  " 

The  customer  did  not,  and  therefore  took  liis  departure. 

"Now,  Bowker.  tell  me  candidly,"  said  Charles,  as 
soon  as  he  was  gone,  "  what  all  tliis  means— tell  me  the 
worst  at  once." 

"  Faith,  I  liave no  woi-st  in  tlic  iiiatt<'r,"  rcijliod  Bill ;  "  you 
seem  to  know  just  as  iiiiicli  al»jiit  it  as  1  do,  if  not  I'liore.  ' 

"Nay.don'tsay  that  -  don't  dfccivc  me--you'vo  seen  old 
mother  Jorrocks     you've  some  idea  what  she's  driving  at." 

Bill  was  silent. 

■•  You  know  tlie  story  about  SuKan's  all  madi;  up." 

"Indeed  I  don't, "n.'i)li.;d  Mr.  Howkcr,  c<.nfidently— 
"Indeed  I  don't— I've  no  reason  to  doubt  my  wife's 
sister— none  wliatever.     C^uite  tlie  contrary." 

V  y 


690  HANDLED  .CROSS 

"Nay  then!"  exclaimed  Charley,  subsiding  into  a 
seat. 

"  Why,  really,"  replied  Bill,  looking  very  solemn,  "  I 
should  be  very  liappy  to  befriend  you  in  any  way  in  my 
power,  but  there's  an  old  saying,  '  blood's  stronger  than 
water ; '  and  I  must  consider  my  wife's  sister  first. 
Matrimony's  not  so  easily  got  over  as  a  cane  and  rice 
fence,  as  poor  old  Jackey  would  say." 

"  Stuff  and  nonsense,"  growled  Charles  in  disgust, 
"Aye,    stuff    and    nonsense,    indeed,"    retorted    Mr. 
Bowker,  "  stop  till  you've  had  your  nose  at  the  matri- 
monial grindstone  as  long  as  I  have,  and  you'll  know 
it's  not  stuff  and  nonsense." 

"  Come,  old  Bill."  exclaimed  a  well-musked  youth  in  a 
blue  Spanish  cloak,  with  a  profusion  of  ringlets  and  rings, 
"  sarve  me  out  a  couple  of  your  confounded  dried  cab- 
bage-leaves, you  brandy-faced,  big-looming  beggar." 

"  Certainly,  sir,"  replied  Bill,  strewing  a  handful  along 
the  counter  —  '"  there's  no  standing  your  insinuating 
manner!  Your  politeness  exceeds  your  beauty.  Those 
cigars,  sir, — though  I  say  it,— are  not  to  be  equalled." 

The  youth  lit  one  of  them,  and  sticking  his  back  against 
the  counter,  proceeded  to  draw  long  respirations,  puffing 
out  volleys  of  smoke  at  intervals.  His  great  unmeaning 
eyes  rested  first  on  Prince  Le  Boo,  then  on  the  other 
nigger,  next  on  Charles,  then  back  on  the  Prince,  then 
again  on  the  nigger. 

Mr.  Bowker  lighted  the  revolving  fanlight  in  the 
window,  which,  with  the  gas  on  the  counter,  made  a 
goodly  illumination.  He  leaned  with  folded  arms  against 
the  well-canistered  shelves,  and  Charles  seated  himself 
on  the  make-believe  snuff-barrel  in  which  Mrs.  Bowker 
kept  her  muff. 

Bowker  eyed  Charles  intently.  Anguish  had  bleached 
his  cheek,  and  there  was  a  subdued  melancholy  in  his 
dark  eye  that  told  of  intense  suffering. 

" Rot  it,  Bill!"  exclaimed  the  smokei*,  taking  the  cigar 
from  his  mouth,  "  what's  that  rakish  old  nigger  got  his 
fisherman's  boots  on  for  ?  " 

"  They're  not  boots,  they're  his  black  legs,"  replied  Mr, 
Bowker,  snappishly.  "  Don't  you  know  that  a  nigger 
has  black  legs  ?  "  inquired  he,  in  a  tone  of  contempt. 

"They  look  uncommon  like  boots  by  this  light," 
replied  the  smoker.  "  I  wonder  you  don't  gild  his  toes  to 
let  ])eople  see  what  they  are." 

■'  He's  not  a  candle-light  beauty,"  replied  Mr.  Bowker, 
carelessly. 


MR.  bowkee's  reflections  691 

The  smoker  threw  open  his  cloak,  and,  jumping  up, 
seated  himself  on  the  counter. 

"  You're  flat,  old  chap ! "  observed  he  to  Bill,  after  a  lon^ 
puff — "no  jump  in  you  to-night — what's  the  matter?" 

"  Bad  toothache,"  replied  Mr.  Bowker,  putting  his 
hand  to  his  cheek. 

"Poor  beggar!"  replied  the  customer,  "  why  don't  you 
smoke  one  of  your  own  cigars  ?  It'll  either  cure  you  or 
make  you  sick — come,  accept  the  Chiltem  Hundreds, 
and  let's  off  for  the  night— Coal  Hole,  Cider  Cellar, 
Offley's,  or  somewhere." 

"I  think  not,  shall  return  myself  for  jB«7fordshire 
before  long,"  replied  Mr.  Bowker.  yaAvning  and  stretching 
his  arms — most  heartily  wishing  his  customer  gone. 

In  vain  Mr.  Bowker  tried  to  get  rid  of  him ;  the  smoker 
was  evidently  one  of  those  who  consider  tobacconists  public 
property — bound  to  find  conversation  and  house-room. 


At  length  he  went. 

"Mr.  Stobbs,"  said  Bowker  hurriedly,  as  he  passed 
round  the  counter  where  Charles  sat.  and  laid  his  hand 
ujjon  his  arm.  "  Lend  me  your  ear — I  mean,  let  me  have 
a  w(jrd  with  you.  You'll  think  me  a  scoundrel,  I  dai'e 
say,"  said  he,  his  tittei-ance  almost  choked.  "  but  if  you 
knew  my  necessities  you'd  pity  me:  I  can't  bear  to  see 
the  mi.sery  I'm  creating.  I  know  the  story  about  Susan's 
all  my  eye." 

Bill  bui'st  into  tears. 

"  You  don't  say  so !  "  exclaimed  Charles,  brightening 
up  ;  "  what's  the  meaning  of  it,  then  ?  " 

Bowker,  more  cum  posed,  ]iroceeded  to  tell  him  all. 
When  he  came  to  the  end  he  got  so  excited,  that  seizing 
a  wooden  loll  of  [tigtail  ofl!  the  counter,  he  aimed  such  a 
blow  at  Prince  Le  Bod's  head,  as  sent  it  flying  through 
the  milkman's  window  ou  the  opposite  side  of  the  street. 


CHAPTER   LXXIV 

MR.  JORROCKS  TAKING  HIS  OTIUM  CUM  DIGGING  A  TATY 

Next  day  saw  Mr.  Bowker  and  Charley  hansoming  it 
to  Hoxton  to  see  Mr.  Jorrocks,  for  it  was  the  unanimous 
o])iniou  of  all  the  common  law  clerks  with  whom  Bowker 
associated,  tluit  the  verdict  conld  not  be  sustained. 
Indeed,  Mr.  Shoestring.  Serjeant  Mustytiiug's  clerk, 
contended  that  all  people  were  more  or  less  mad  on 
some  subject  or  other,  and  that  it  would  be  quite  as  con- 
sistent to  shop  Mr.  Catchball  for  constant  cricketing,  or 
Mr.  TroUer  for  fishing,  as  Mr.  Jorrocks  for  hunting. 
Altogether,  this  great  legal  luminary,  a  far  greater  man 
than  his  master,  was  of  opinion  that  the  verdict  would 
not  hold  water.  An  application  to  the  Chancellor  was 
recommended. 

After  much  parleying  and  bullying  from  Mr.  Bowker, 
and  liberal  allusion  to  Mr.  Perceval,  and  the  Lunatics' 
Friend  Society,  they  at  length  got  admission,  and  found 
our  old  friend  much  as  a  pent-up  fox-hunter  might  be 
expected  to  be.  He  had  been  digging  potatoes  in  the 
garden,  and  as  they  had  deprived  him  of  his  wig,  he  had 
sujjplied  its  place  with  a  red  pocket-handkerchief. 

"  Now  this  is  werry  kind  o'  you  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jor- 
rocks, running  to  receive  them,  "  wei-ry  kind  indeed," 
continued  he,  jumping  about  on  one  leg,  exhibiting  a 
pair  of  clogs  in  which  he  had  been  digging;  "these  are 
most  comfortless  quarters.  I've  had  nobody  to  talk  to," 
continued  he,  "  since  I  came  here,  except  yon  poor  booby 
among  the  cabbages,  and  a  most  uneasy  companion  he 
is.  Thinks  he's  made  o'  glass,  and  that  the  buoys  are 
shyin'  stones  at  him.  I  tells  him,  he'd  better  be  mad 
ujjon  'unting  than  mad  upon  such  nonsense  as  that- 
haw !  haw  !  haw !  But  come,  sit  down — make  yourselves 
at  'ome,  in  fact,  and  tell  me  the  news  o'  the  willage. — 
Trade  brisk  or  only  middlin'  P  " 

Thus  Mr.  Jorrocks  rattled  on  in  hia  usual  sti-ain, 
first  on  one  subject,  then  on  anothei',  and  not  always 
waiting  for  an  answer  to  his  questions. 


MR.   JOKROCKS  TAKING   HIS   OTIUM   CUM  693 

Of  course  Dr. maintained  lie  was  mad.     He  had 

lucid  intervals  certainly,  but  as  soon  as  ever  the  subject 
of  hunting'  was  mentioned,  oif  lie  went  at  a  tan<?ent. 
Charles  said  he  had  seen  many  men  that  way,  and  the 
doctor's  eyes  frlistened.  for  he  thought  he'd  like  to  fill 
his  house  with  them :  call  it  the  "  United  Fox-hunters' 
Asylum,"  or  some  such  name. 

Mr.  Bowker  rather  disconcerted  him  when  he  hinted 
that  he  would  like  the  Chancellor  to  see  Mr.  Jorrocks  ; 
and  when  he  proclaimed  himself  to  be  a  gentleman  of 
the  law.  and  talked  about  a  "  habeas  corpus,"  the  doctor's 
countenance  fell  amazingly. 

After  much  shuffling  ]>ackwards  and  foi-wards  work, 
many  protestations  from  the  mad  doctor,  that  the  indis- 
cretion of  his  friends  would  very  materially  retard,  if 
not  alt(igether  prevent.  Mr.  Jorrocks's  recovery,  the 
solicitors  at  length  agreed  upon  requesting  a  private 
examination  by  the  Chancellor,  which  was  kindly  vouch- 
safed, liis  lordship  having  been  struck  by  the  perusal  of 
the  proceeding.s  as  piiblished  in  the  newspapers,  and 
having,  moreover,  some  little  curiosity  to  see  the 
distinguished  subject  of  the  inquiry. 

Accordingly  it  was  arranged  that  Mr.  Jorrocks  should 
wait  in  his  lordshijj's  private  room  for  the  rising  of  his 
court.  Thither  oiir  friend  went,  accompanied  only  by 
his  partner,  Mr.  Simpkins,  and  Charley  Stobbs.  Mr. 
Bowker  presented  them  with  great  dignity  to  the 
usher,  and  returned  to  old  Twister.  The  court  sat  late. 
His  loi'dshijj's  train-ljearer  lent  them  a  newsj^aper,  and, 
stirring  the  fire,  advised  them  to  sit  round,  and  make 
themselves  comfoi'table. 

Afjcordingly  they  did. 

Several  jteople  looked  in  upon  them; — a  footman,  an 
UHlwr,  a  laundrf^ss,  but  ntjijody  seemed  indiiu'd  to  slay. 

Towards  dusk  a  gentleman,  with  a  singularly  j)leasing 
expression  of  countenance,  who  seemed  more  at  home  in 
the  apartment  than  any  of  liis  jiredeceRsors  had  been, 
ent^-red  the  room. 

"Is  Mr.  .[orrocks  here?"  asked  he.  after  surveying 
the  party  by  the  fire. 

"  Mr.  .Irjirocks  is  here  !  "  replied  our  hero,  getting  un. 

"Don't  let  me  distin-b  you.  pray,"  rejoined  tlio 
gentleman,  bowing,  and  motioning  Mr.  Jornx-ks  to  bo 
seatc'l.  Our  friend,  however,  being  up,  took  a  coat- 
lap  over  ejieh  arm,  and  turning  his  l)aek  to  the  fire, 
confronted  the  entej-er. 

"  Coolish  evening,  this,   Mr.  Jorrocks,"  observed  the 


694  HANDT.EY   CROSS 

gentleman,  rubbing  his  bands  as  be  approached  the 
fire ;  "  I  hope  your  accommodation  is  comfortable  at 
Hoxton  P  " 

"  Anything  i«/,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks ;  "  at  least  I 
shall  be  werry  ghid  to  let  you  have  it  if  you  like. 
Can't  even  ^et  a  seidletz-pooder  without  an  order  from 
the  Chancellor." 

The  gentleman  smiled.  "  Rather  be  in  the  City, 
perhaps,  among  your  bills  and  your  books; — do  yoii 
know  how  the  funds  are  ?  " 

"  Indeed  I  don't,"  replied  Mr,  Jorrocks ;  "  consols 
were  at  ninety- two  and  a  quarter  when  they  shopped 
me;  don't  know  what  they  may  be  now,  wot  with  the 
weather  and  Nicholas  Rumenough's  wagaries,"  adding 
half  to  himself  and  half  to  his  interrogator,  "  wish  I 
could  send  Pigg  over  to  fight  him." 

"  You  understand  money  matters,  I  suppose,"  observed 
the  gentleman.  "  Can  you  tell  me  the  difference  between 
discount  and  interest  ?  " 

"  I  should  think  so,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "  Catch 
a  merchant  not  understandin'  that.  Discount's  a  pre- 
mium paid  in  'and  for  the  loan  of  money  for  a  time  yet 
to  come,  and  the  chap  wot  gets  the  discount  can  lend 
the  discount  out  again,  while  the  chap  wot  gets  the 
interest  has  to  wait  his  time  afore  he  has  it  to  lend." 

"They  feed  you  pretty  well  where  you  are,  I  suppose  ?" 

Mr.  JoiTocks. — "Tol-lol — mutton!  mutton!  toujuurs 
mutton,  as  we  say  in  France." 

"  What !  mutton  every  day  ?  Can  you  tell  me  how 
many  legs  a  sheep  has  ?  " 

"  Dead  or  alive  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Jorrocks. 

"  They  say  you  are  mad  about  hunting,  I  under- 
stand," observed  the  gentleman  after  a  laugh  at  Mr. 
Jorrocks's  acuteness. 

"  Ah, — 'unting's  the  thing,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks — 
"  the  sport  of  kings — but,  however,  never  mind,  we 
won't  talk  about  that,"  added  he,  checking  himself,  and 
saying,  "  I  wish  the  old  gentleman  would  come." 

"  I  suppose  hunting's  a  fine  amusement,"  observed 
the  gentleman,  after  a  pause.  "  Did  you  ever  hunt  with 
the  stag-hounds  ?  " 

"  Once,"  replied  Mr.  Jorrocks.  "  Once,  I  should 
think,  would  be  enough  for  anybody." 

"  How  so  ?    I  thought  they  were  popular." 

"  They  may,  but  I  thinks  notbin'  of  them.  The  fox 
is  the  thing !  Confound  it !  There  goes,"  observed 
Mr.  Jorrocks  aloud  to  himself. — "  Well,  never  mind,  I'll 


MR.   JORROCKS  TAKING  HIS   OTITIM   CUM  095 

tell  von  sometliing'."  continued  he,  after  a  pause — 
"  'Untinof  exemplifies  wot  the  gi-ammarians  call  the 
three  degi-ees  of  comparison  : — stag-'unting  is  positively- 
bad,  'are-'unting  is  comparatively  good,  and  fox-'unting 
superlatively  so.  There's  a  wrinkle  for  ye !  Haw ! 
haw  1  haw  !  I'll  give  ye  another."  continued  he,  "  as  you 
seem  a  goodish  sort  o'  chap.  If  ever  you  keep  'ounds," 
said  he.  putting  his  forefinger  to  his  nose  and  winking 
his  right  eye,  "  if  ever  you  keep  'ounds,  always  'ave  a 
year's  meal  in  advance.  Old  goes  'alf  as  far  again  as 
new." 

■'  Your  lordship's  carriage  is  at  the  door,"  announced 
a  footman  in  undress  livery. 

"  My  vig!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  starting;  "  have  I 
been  talking  all  this  nonsense  to  the  Chancellor  ?  Oh, 
dear!  oh,  dear  I  "  continued  he,  wringing  his  hands  and 
stamping.  "  wot  a  confounded  old  jackass  I  am.  Dash 
my  vig!  I  don't  think  I  shall  ever  grow  wiser." 

"  Don't  alarm  yourself,  my  good  frieud,"  observed 
the  Chancellor,  mildly;  '"I  am  glad  to  have  seen  you  in 
this  way,  for  it  has  given  me  an  opportunity  of  judging 
how  you  are.  You  may  be  an  enthusiast;  but  I  think, 
sir,''  turning  to  the  doctor,  "  Mr.  Jorrocks  seems  per- 
fectly ah\e  to  do  without  your  assistance,  and  I  should 
recommend  your  letting  liim  go  home  quietly  from 
here."     So  saying,  his  lordship  bowed  and  retired. 

"  Dash  my  vig  I  but  that's  somethin'  like  a  Chan- 
cellor !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Jorrocks,  as  his  lordship  got 
out  of  hearing;  and  seizing  the  mad  doctor  with  one 
hand,  and  desiring  Charley  to  take  him  by  the  other, 
they  danced  three  reels  with  him.  till  the  mad  doctor 
could  dance  no  longer.  Mr.  Jorrocks  then  having 
kicked  out  the  mad  doctor's  hat-crown,  iJolitely  placed 
the  remains  on  his  head  and  shoved  him  out  of  the 
door.  Joining  arms  with  Bowker,  who  had  now  returned, 
and  Htobbs,  lie  thon  strutted  away  most  conacfpiontially 
{()V  Great  Coram  Street— just  as  they  did  on  the  first 
night  of  Charles's  introduction. 

"Now,"  said  he,  when  he  got  to  the  Hunter  Street 
turn,  producing  his  sneck-key  as  he  spoke,  "we'll  give 
'em  an  iigreeable  8uri)ri8e." 

Having  anived  at  the  Great  Coram  Street  door,  he 
gently  opened  the  latch,  and  motioning  flicin  io  enter 
on  tiptoe,  as  cpiietly  closed  tiie  doi'r  after  him. 


(>96  HANDLEY   CROSS 

There  was  a  solitary  candle  in  the  passage,  and  a 
strong:  smell  of  dinner  below.  Knives  and  forks  were 
going  in  the  parlour. 

He  gently  opened  the  door.  There  sat  Mrs.  Jorrocks, 
in  a  fine  red  and  gold  turban,  at  the  top  of  the  table, 
Belinda  with  her  back  to  the  door,  and  Captain  Doleful 
in  the  host's  chair,  in  the  act  of  diving  a  fork  into  the 
breast  of  a  boiled  turkey. — "  Holloa!  yon  old  bald-faced 
baboon ! "  roared  Mr.  Jorrocks,  an  exclamation  that 
caused  Captain  Doleful  to  drop  his  fork,  his  whiskers 
to  fall  from  his  face,  and  Mi-s.  Jorrocks  to  swoon  on 
the  floor. 

^  -vP  ^  9F  ifr  J»F 

Jorrocks  then  installed  himself  in  his  rightful 
position,  and  insisted  on  Doleful  staying  to  see  "  'ow 
'appy  they  would  all  be."  And  werry  'appy  J.  got,  so 
'appy  that  he  didn't  know  when  Doleful  went  away,  or 
how  he  got  to  bed  himself. 

Doleful  was  desperately  dejected,  and  took  to  his  bed 
at  Handley  Cross  as  if  he  would  never  leave  it  again. 
At  last  he  got  up,  but  only  to  fall  into  another  snare. 
Let  lis  take  a  fresh  chapter  to  detail  it  in. 


CHAPTER  LXXY 

DOLEFUL  AT  SUIT  BRANTINGHAME 

Me.  Joreocks's  early,  but  unseen  friend,  Sir  Archy 
Depeearde,  had  a  sister,  one  Mrs.  Brantingluiine,  for 
whom  he  was  anxious  to  do  something  at  somebody 
else's  expense,  and  hearinj^  of  Doleful's  disappointment, 
ha  bethoupht  him  it  was  the  very  time  to  fix  a  wife  upon 
him,  kuowint,'  that  when  a  man  has  made  up  his  mind 
to  commit  matrimony,  he  will  often  take  up  with  the 
next  best  chance  that  offers,  rather  than  po  without  a 
wife.  Accordinf^ly,  Sir  Archy  despatched  the  following 
laconic  to  Droppinj^fall  Wells,  where  Mrs.  Branting-- 
hame  was  staying  : — 

"  Try  Mi8er^  Doleful,  at  Handley  Cross." 

And  as  soon  as  ever  her  week  was  up  at  the  Wells, 
she  flew  on  the  winjjs  of  steam  to  our  renowned  Spa, 
accompanied  by  her  only  remaining  unmarried  daughter, 
Louisa  Letitia  Carolina  Jemima,  for  Mrs.  Brantins'- 
hame  had^  been  most  particular  in  loading  all  iier 
daughters  with  names,  well  knowing  the  agreeable 
expectations  such  ropleticm  engendei-s. 

To  Captiiin  Doleful,  Sir  Archy  wrote  as  follows : — 

"  I'l.UCK  WKF.I.I    I'aKK. 

"Dear  Captain  Doleful, 

"  My  Hist^M',  Mrs.  l}iaiitiiighamf>,  purposes  i)aying 
a  visit  to  your  Spa,  to  consult  our  friciul.  Dr.  Mcllo, 
and  any  alt^-ntion  you  can  show  her  will  be  grat<jfully 
a^'knowledged  by, 

"Dear  Captain  Doleful, 

"  Yours  very  liuly, 

"  AuCHIHALli    DeI'KC'AHDE." 

And  the  captain,  albeit  out  of  humour  witli  the  sex, 
on  rccf;i])t  of  the  note,  liogan  jx-rkirig  and  hiiniiciiug 
himself   up,  anil  whon  he  heard  of  tin;  widow's  arrival 


HANDLET   CROSS 

at  her  nice  six-guinea-a-week  house,  in  Acacia  Crescent, 
havinp:  given  hor  time  to  shake  ont  her  feathers  and 
get  settled,  he  put  on  his  best  grin,  and  went  mincing 
and  picking  his  way,  taking  care  of  his  Moliere  shoes, 
to  pay  his  respects. 

We  may  here  mention  that  Sir  Archy  had  furthered 
the  design  by  lending  Mrs.  Brantinghame  his  butler 
and  footman,  who  were  out  at  grass  on  board  wages, 
at  his  expense,  while  he  reconnoitred  some  minor 
watering-places,  incog.,  in  the  west,  a  country  that  he 
knew  tiie  wise  men  did  not  come  from,  so  that,  what 
with  the  six-guinea-a-week  house,  the  butler,  the  foot- 
man, the  powder,  the  plate,  Mrs.  Brantinghame's  three 
himdred  a  year  looked  like  as  many  thousands.^  We 
say  plate,  for  Sir  Archy  lent  a  becoming  quantity  of 
that  too.  together  with  some  most  unimpeachable 
looking  linen  and  glass,  for  a  gambler  always  has  the 
best  of  everything,  everything  at  least  that  contributes 
to  outward  show  and  adornment.  We  will  now  suppose 
our  innocent  captain  approaching  the  well-set  snare. 

His  resolute  ring  at  the  visitors'  bell  was  speedily 
answered  by  a  smart,  well  powdered,  well  put  on  foot- 
man, in  brown  and  black  plush,  wdio  was  quickly 
seconded  by  a  portly  .£50-a-year-at-least  looking  butler, 
who  politely  bowing  an  admission  that  his  mistress  was 
at  home,  proceeded  to  conduct  our  hero  up  the  gaudily 
carpetted  staircase,  to  the  presence  chamber. 

"  Capting  Doleful,  I  b'live,"  smiled  the  obsequious 
butler,  who  had  taken  in  and  let  out  many  a  gambling 
victim  for  his  master.  "  Capting  Doleful,  I  b'live," 
repeated  he,  in  the  most  deferential  tone,  as  he  paused 
upon  the  flossy  pink  sheepskin  mat,  on  the  landing 
outside  the  door,  that  as  yet  shut  out  the  view  of  the 
terra  incognita,  upon  which  our  adventurous  traveller 
was  about  to  enter.  What  a  region  is  that_  same 
matrimonial  wilderness  of  undiscovered  connection,  of 
which  no  man's  imagination  has  ever  depicted  the 
reality ! 

"  Captain  Doleful ! "  assented  our  visitor,  as  the  man 
opened  the  cream-coloured  door  by  its  flowered  handle. 

'■  Capting  Doleful,  miss,"  announced  he,  softly,  over 
the  swelling  l)ust  of  a  lady,  apparently  engaged  at  her 
writing-desk,  but  in  reality  arranged  so  as  to  show  the 
luxuriant  rolls  of  her  double-banded  brown  hair,  and  the 
delicate  whiteness  of  her  swan-like  neck,  before  her  face 
and  general  features.  All  women  have  some  point  on 
which  they  more  particularly  pride  themselves,  and  Miss 


DOLEFUL   AT   SUIT   BRANTINOHAME  G99 

Brantingrhame  went  on  her  fiprure  and  complexion. 
She  had  carried  Rapin's  quarto  edition  of  the  History 
of  Entrland,  with  Marco  Polo's  travels  atop,  on  her 
head,  till  she  was  as  straig:ht  and  erect  as  a  dairymaid, 
or  a  Fulham  strawberry-carrying:  woman. 

Having  kept  her  position  sufficiently  loner  to  enable 
her  to  finish  the  sentence  she  was  writing,  she  now 
arose  and  tm-ned  round,  when,  in  lieu  of  a  crumby  old 
lady,  in  a  cap  and  false  hair,  Doleful  found  himself 
confronted  with  a  pleasant-looking  woman,  if  not  an 
exact  beauty,  or  in  the  full  freshness  of  youth,  at  all 
events  one  good  to  look  at,  who,  with  a  sweet  smile. 
and  a  stick-ont-behind  curtsey,  begged  him  to  be 
seated,  while  she  intimated  her  connection  with  the 
house,  by  an  aside,  "  Tell  mamma,"  to  the  butler. 

Doleful  was  dumbfoundered.  and  wished  he  had  put 
on  his  best  Ponlson  and  Co.  suit,  instead  of  the  second- 
best  one  he  had  come  in.  He  required  a  second  smile, 
and  a  second  stick-out- behind  curtsey,  to  induce  him 
to  venture  on  an  Elizabethan  India  japanned  chair, 
that  stood  appropriately  near  where  the  fair  lady  sat. 
Miss  then  put  up  her  papers,  glanced  at  the  opjiosite 
mirror,  felt  her  side  hair,  elongated  her  nose,  and 
aiTanged  her  features  generally  to  what  she  considered 
captivating  pitch,  as  she  turned  in  her  Jenny  Lind 
chair  to  do  the  agi-eeable  to  the  caller. 

Tlie  captain  noted  a  pretty  foot,  a  tajier  hand,  and 
saw  a  delicately  white  well-turned  arm  up  the  accom- 
modating width  of  her  sky-blue  jacket  sleeve.  He 
didn't  care  if  mamma  didn't  come  for  an  houi'.  Miss, 
on  her  ]>ai-t,  thougli  slie  thought  the  cai>tain  older  and 
more  wrinkly  than  she  expected,  and  not  to  be  com- 
jjared,  in  point  of  looks,  either  to  Peter  Bullock,  to 
whom  she  was  tlien  engaged,  or  Captain  (Jajjcrs.  whom 
she  had  jilted  in  Peter's  favour,  felt  that  Doleful  was 
infinitely  their  sui)f'nor  in  j)oint  of  wealtli  and  station, 
and  that  a  pair  of  proudly-stejtping  greys  would  auii)ly 
compensate  for  the  few  enviouri  grey  streaks  she  saw 
scattered  tliroiigli  liis  stiaggling  iiair.  Slie  therefore 
pointed  a  too,  anaiiufd  Uk-  Ikiivv  manacles  (tn  lu;r 
arms,  and  jdaoiug  her  jirelty  hands  Ixtcoiuingly  on  lier 
smart  blue  spotted  mublin  (IrestT,  f)ijened  volubly  ujion 
him  about  the  weather.  The  captain  chimed  in,  and 
having  8|)eedily  exi)aiistcd  that  interesting  subject,  tiiey 
adjourned  to  the  (Jrystal  I'alace,  at  Sydenham,  whose 
magif  wonders  soon  afTorded  our  fail-  friend  an  oppoi-- 
tunity  of  exjuessing  a  regret  that  sin;  liad  not  a  lirotln'r 


700  HANDLEY   CROSS 

to  take  her  there,  addinpf,  with  a  half -suppressed  sigh, 
something  about  "only  children,"  wliich  fell  very  prrate- 
fullj^  on  the  grinniner  captain's  ear.  She  would  like  to 
go  to  Sydenham  every  day — Oh !  she  should  so  like  to 
go  to  Sydenham  every  day — She  would  like  to  go 
through  all  the  Courts,  and  all  the  galleries,  and  all  the 
walks,  and  all  the  lobster-salad  places,  and  she  soon 
talked  herself  into  a  perfect  glow  of  animation.  The 
captain  sat  in  ecstasies,  thinking  how  much  pleasanter 
it  was  to  be  courted  than  to  have  the  up-hill  game  he 
had  had  with  Belinda— Belinda  be  hanged,  thought 
he.  Here  was  a  lady  infinitely  her  superior,  and  not 
much  behind  her  in  looks,  at  least,  not  when  the  looks 
were  directed  at  him.  She  was  more  of  a  woman,  too. 
Her  figure  was  fuller  and  more  developed,  her  hair  as 
bright  and  glossy,  her  teeth  as  pearly,  while  her  ani- 
mated conversation  soon  imparted  a  lustre  to  her 
greyish  blue  eyes,  and  thi-ew  a  gentle  flush  o'er  her 
otherwise  i^allid  cheeks,  that  chased  away  what  ill- 
natured  people  would  call  lines.  Altogether  Doleful 
soon  began  to  think  he  had  lit  on  his  legs.  The  sears 
of  his  old  heart  began  to  heal.  Miss  Brantinghame  for 
ever !  chuckled  he.     Now  for  mamma. 

That  experienced  and  judicious  old  lady,  always  easy 
at  the  outset,  but  most  urgent  towards  the  end,  was 
busy  with  her  only  maid,  Martha,  in  the  dining-room, 
putting  away  groceries,  when  the  captain  came,  and 
receiving  for  answer  to  her  inquiry,  as  the  maid  peeped 
through  the  green  trellis  blinds,  whether  the  ring  pro- 
ceeded from  "  petticoats  or  legs,"  that  it  proceeded 
from  "  legs,"  she  had  little  difficulty  in  appropriating 
them,  and,  like  a  prudent  matron,  deliberately  finished 
her  work  ere  she  adjourned  to  her  bedroom,  to  make 
those  little  adjustments,  or  perhaps  additions  to  her 
dress,  that  we  will  leave  to  the  imagination  of  the 
reader. 

And  now,  as  our  grinning  friend  sat  lost  in  ecstasies, 
listening  to  the  silvery  notes  of  the  siren,  the  door  gently 
opened,  and  in  sidled  mamma,  the  smiling  autumn  of 
her  voluble  daughter. 

"  My  dear  Captain  Doleful,"  said  she,  advancing  and 
extending  her  hand  as  she  spoke,  "  My  dear  Captain 
Doleful,"  repeated  she,  in  a  tone  of  mournful  resignation, 
"  this  is  indeed  most  kind — most  considerate — my  dear 
brother.  Sir  Archy,  will  be  deeply  gratefid  when  he 
hears  of  j'our  early  compliance  with  his  wishes."  And 
thereupon  she  shook  the  captain  heartily  by  the  hand, 


DOLEFUL  AT   SUIT   BRANTINGHAME  701 

not  a  fine  forefinger  shake,  but  a  genuine  confiding 
gi'eeting,  that  spoke  of  confidence  of  the  most  substantial 
and  inexhaustible  order. 

The  captain,  who  was  up  on  the  instant,  to  make  one 
of  his  most  elaborate  bows,  was  now  invited  to  occupy  a 
berth  by  mamma,  on  the  sprino--cushioned  sofa,  instead 
of  the  ricketty  fabric  on  which  he  had  been  getting 
mesmerized.  Having  subsided  by  her  side,  he  harked 
back  upon  the  weather,  which  he  reviewed  under 
various  aspects,  Harvest-ically — Turnip-ically — Potatoe- 
ically — Promenade-ically — Invalid-ically,  and  Handley 
Cross-ically. 

They  then  went  to  the  war,  and  j  ust  as  Mrs.  Branting- 
hame  was  making  the  unfortunate  inquiry  if  the  captain 
was  at  Waterloo,  the  noiseless  butler  announced  luncheon 
(in  reality  dinner,  the  servants  dining  after),  which  saved 
our  hero  the  humiliation  of  stating  that  he  was  only  a 
militia  captain,  and  had  never  been  out  of  England. 
The  announcement,  however,  stopped  all  this,  and  even 
if  the  captain  had  been  inclined  to  confess,  we  dare 
say  the  answer  would  have  been  lost  upon  Mrs.  Bran- 
tingh:ime,  so  intent  was  she  in  hoping  that  Partridge, 
the  butler,  and  Frederick,  tlie  footaum,  and  Martha, 
the  maid,  had  arranged  everything,  roimne  il  J'axl, 
in  the  dining-room.  After  the  lapse  of  a  few  seconds, 
for  Mrs.  Brantinghame  was  now  quite  on  the  "  take  it 
easy  tiick,"8he  hoped  the  dear  captain  would  come  down- 
stairs and  take  a  little  luncheon  with  them,  whatever 
there  was,  for  she  feared  it  would  only  ha  of  tlie 
scrambling  order,  not  luiving  eitlier  her  cook  or  her 
housekeeper,  and  only  one  footman  witli  her,  but  she  was 
sure  he  would  cxcu.se  any  little  deficiency.  So  saying, 
she  arose,  and,  taking  the  grinning  captain's  arm, 
conducted  him  downstairs,  leaving  his  eight-and- 
sixpenny  liat  and  twojK-nny  cane  to  take  care  f)l 
them. solves.  The  cajitain  went  Inigging  liimscir. 
thinking  lie  would  save  a  dinner  at  iiome,  for  he  Jiad 
one  of  those  convenient  ai)j>etitcs  that  could  bo  made 
to  henY  uprm  a  dinner,  whenever  one  c^amc  in  tlie  way. 
Th)i3  they  leaclied  tlie  lower  aijaitment. 

Upon  the  snowy,  well  got  up  (rhjtli.  of  an  elcg.intly 
set  out  table,  stood  a  couple  of"  beautiful  cold  Dorking 
fowls,  a  tongue,  mashed  potatocH,  and  greens,  an  inicut 
apricot  tart,  a  shajie  of  pastrycooks  blanc-niango,  a 
lx)ttle  of  pale  sherry  (brown,  wat<!red),  and  as  mucli  of 
a  bottle  of  Miiliiisey  Madeira  as  Partridge  (;ould  miare 
in  the  decanting,  while  the  sideboard  exhibited  seltzer 


702  HANDLEY   CROSS 

water,  a  bottle  of  Allsopp,  and  a  quart  of  "  Dobbs  and 
Co.,"  which  Partridg^e  intended  for  himself.  Mamma 
took  the  top  of  the  table,  Miss  the  bottom,  and  Doleful 
the  side  opposite  the  fire.  Partridge  carved  the  fowls 
from  the  sideboard,  Frederick  handed  them  round, 
and  the  party  were  soon  in  the  enjoyment  of  eating  made 
easy.  As  Doleful  sat  munching  away,  he  made  a 
mental  inventoi-y  of  what  he  saw ;  bright  plate,  beau- 
tiful creaseless  linen,  crystal-like  glass,  noiseless  butler, 
powdered  footman,  evei-ything  quite  genteel ;  couldn't 
he  done  under  two  thousand  a  year— no,  not  for  a  half- 
penny under  two  thousand  a  year — and  he  contrasted  it 
with  old  Jorrocks's  rough  and  ready  style,  his  bustling 
Batsay,  bubbly  Binjimin,  and  duplicate  dishes.  Then 
Partridge  was  so  attentive,  so  anxious  to  draw  the 
"  Allsopp."  so  discouraging  in  his  offer  of  the  "  Dobbs," 
that  Doleful  was  quite  taken  with  him,  and  after  the  third 
glass  of  wine,  felt  as  if  he  could  give  him  half-a-crown. 
Partridge,  we  are  soiTy  to  say,  did  not  reciprocate 
Doleful's  admiration,  for  on  getting  downstairs,  he 
declared  to  Martha  that  Miss  must  be  desperately  in 
want  of  a  husband,  to  take  up  such  a  death's  head  look- 
ing man,  and  thinking  that  Mrs.  Markham,  Sir  Archy'a 
housekeeper,  to  whom  he  was  privately  man-ied,  would 
not  have  had  him  if  he  had  been  such  a  "guy."  The 
appetites  of  the  parlour  party  being  at  length  appeased, 
they  return  to  the  drawing-i-oom,  where  Miss  enchanted 
Doleful  with  her  execution  of  "  Vilikins  "  on  her  harp, 
an  instrument  she  never  travelled  without,  being 
admirably  adapted  for  showing  off  her  fine  swelling 
figure.  And  after  a  long  protracted  sit.  Doleful  at 
length  took  his  departure,  feeling  that  Sir  Archy  was 
not  half  a  bad  fellow,  and  vowing  that  he  would  return 
without  fail  on  the  morrow. 

Mamma    and    Miss  then  talked  him   over.  Mamma , 
observing  that  she  thought  he  "  would  do  " ;  Miss,  who 
always  liked  to  run  counter,  replying,  she  "  didn't  know." 


CHAPTER    LXXVI 

THE   GRAND   FIELD   DAY 

The  morrow  came,  and  with  it  came  Doleful — Doleful, 
no  lonper  an  indifferent  duty  visitor  on  behalf  of  Sir 
Archy  Depecarde,  bat  Doleful,  a  very  cock-a-hoopisli 
caller  on  his  own  account,  got  up  with  uncommon  care 
and  circumspection.  He  sported  a  sixteen-shillinpf  hat. 
with  a  flexible  silk  band  instead  of  a  rusty  drafr^ling 
crape,  while  a  black  and  white  watch-riblion-like  tie 
encircled  hi.s  stiff  roundabout  collar,  with  as  much  end 
floatinjr  over  his  machinery-worked  shirt-front  as  could 
reasonably  be  expected  for  two-and-sixpence.  A  Regrent 
Street  registered  Pardessus  was  thrown  gaily  back, 
to  show  as  well  its  rich  quilting  as  his  new  wide-sleeved 
coatee  with  a  red  silk  cuff  lining,  liis  twelve-and- 
sixpenny  vest  to  order,  and  his  black  clerical  riding- 
trousers  falling  becomingly  upon  his  bright  Moliere 
shoes.  Thus  attired,  he  led  himself  gaily  to  the  charge, 
causing  no  little  sensation  as  he  passed  through  the 
streets. 

Behold  him  entering  Acacia  Orescent,  and  ikjw  at 
the  door  of  his  charmer.  The  house  never  looked  so 
attractive  before.  He  could  almost  have  kissed  the 
8craj>er. 

Visitors'  bells  certninly  ai-e  a  great  iuiprovement  upon 
the  time  when  a  iium  had  to  mark  his  own  claims  to 
consideration  by  an  api)eal  to  the  knocker.  It  was  all 
very  well  for  ladies,  with  twelve  or  thirteen  yards  of 
powdfMcd  impertinence  to  act  as  their  hciiilds,  and 
pound  at  the  jianels,  but  for  a  humVde  pe<leslri;in  to 
have  to  indoctrinate  the  servants  into  his  claim  to 
attention  by  the  number  and  freedom  of  his  raps,  was 
rather  a  nervous  undertaking  for  gentlemen  unaccus- 
t^)med  to  public  knocking.  And  yet,  if  one  didn't  make 
a  noise,  they  would  often  let  one  stand  till  one  stai'ved. 
So  thought  Doleful,  as  he  turned  the  ivory-knobbed 
handle  at  the  right  f)f  Mrs.  Brantinghame's  door,  and 
faced  the  sun  as  if  for  a  wait.  Quick  as  tlumght  the 
door  o|)cned  oi)ened,  not  in  a  doubtful.  hcHitating  sort 
of  way,  but  Hew  wide  open,  as  if  there  wasn't  a  doubt 


704 


HANDLEY  CROSS 


upon  the  subject  of  the  ladies  being  at  Lome.  Lowly- 
bowed  the  smiling  Frederick,  who  was  powdered  to 
perfection,  and  starched  and  ironed  out  down  to  his 
very  shoe-ties.  Partridge,  too,  was  in  full  feather,  and 
never  did  the  horse-shoe  breast  of  one  of  the  winged 
tribe  look  more  bright  than  did  his  ample  chest  in 
a  rich  blue,  green,  yellow,  red,  all  the  colours  of  the 


THE   TAKINa   OF   CAPTAIN    DOLEFUL 


rainbow  reflecting,  cut  velvet  vest,  set  off  with  steel 
buttons.  Indeed,  he  should  rather  have  been  called 
Pheasant.  He  had  also  a  splendid  velvet-collared  blue 
coat,  made  of  far  better  cloth  than  Dolefnl's,  decorated 
with  hieroglyphical  buttons  B.  P.  A.  entwined  (Butler's 
Perquisite  Association),  and  superfine  drab  trousers, 
with  broad  brown  stripes  down  the  sides.  Thus  attired, 
he  received  our  suitor  at  the  hands  of  Frederick,  and 


THE   GRAND   FIELD   DAY  705 

as  he  helped  him  out  of  his  registered  Pardessus, 
woman-like,  Martha,  the  maid-of-all-work,  flitted  in  the 
backfTi-ound,  arrayed  in  one  of  her  younGr  missus's  cast- 
off  silks,  enactinsr  the  character  of  upper  servant.  For 
the  wages  of  one  servant  and  a  lialf,  she  did  the  woik 
of  three,  eating  only  the  victuals  of  one. 

The  Captain,  being  now  ready  for  presentation.  Par- 
tridge preceded  hitn  upstairs,  making  a  mental  bet  with 
himself— for  he  was  a  bit  of  a  wagerer — on  the  double 
events  of  something  winning  the  Derby,  and  Miss 
capturing  the  Captain.  Mrs.  Brantinghame,  who  was 
arranging  matters  in  the  parlour,  peeped  up  at  her 
son-in-law's  legs  as  they  ascended  the  stairs,  and 
knowing  that  all  was  right  above,  resumed  her  occupa- 
tion, like  a  nice,  discreet  old  mouser  as  she  was. 

And  now  the  drawing-room  door  opens,  and  in  stalks 
the  gallant  Captain,  bowing  and  giinning,  and  capering 
as  usual.  Miss  receives  him  most  cordially,  as  well  with 
a  shake  of  the  hand  as  a  stick-out-behind  curtsey,  and 
the  captain  at  once  subsides  upon  an  ottoman  full  of  the 
usual  odds  and  ends,  and  non-company  things. 

Miss  is  most  carefully  got  uj)  for  the  impoitaut 
occasion.  Mai'tha  has  had  a  good  hour  and  a  half's 
8j>ell  at  her  toilette,  between  making  the  beds  and 
jjreparingtlie  lunch,  an<l.  by  dint  of  careful  sitting  since, 
not  a  single  hair  is  di.splaced.  Slie  has  on  a  liglit  blue 
barege  dress,  the  body  and  flounces  trimmed  with 
plaited  blue  ribljon,  and  on  her  well-turned  arms  she 
wears  her  first-cla.ss  manacles,  the  jtnjduct  of  many  an 
ardent  courtsiiip,  for  .she  always  made  it  a  rule  to 
confiscate  the  otreriugs  of  her  suitors  when  the  matches 
went  off.  She  liogins  by  apologizing  for  the  absence  of 
Mamma,  who  had  lain  down  to  try  to  sleep  off  a  sick 
headiiche,  a  stateiuent  that  Mamma  sub.sofiuontly  con- 
tradicted by  saying  she  had  l»een  jioriug  over  her 
steward's  account.s  for  tiie  last  fjuart^jr,  wliicii  was  quite 
an  agreeable  a  hearing  to  our  Cajitain,  who  thought  he 
would  like  to  relieve  her  of  that  trouble  in  future. 

Mamma  has  got  on  her  l^st  bib  and  tucker,  and  every- 
thing wears  a  holiday  aHi)ect.  She  is  a  II  Hiiiilos  and  serenity. 
'J'he  luncheon,  too,  was  of  the  elegant  order,  without  any 
make-weight  dishes,  or  a()i)aien(  eking-ont  from  any 
other  quarter.  Indeed,  Paitridge  took  better  car*;  of  the 
i-rajm  than  that,  and  already  his  onhlaughts  on  the  cold 
tongue,  and  his  refusal  to  share  the  overplus  of  the 
"  Doljbs  "  with  Martha,  had  l<;d  to  unpleasant  bickerings 
between  them.      To-day,   however,  they   seem  ia  have 

Z   A 


706  HANDLEY   CROSS 

niei'S'ed  their  differences  for  the  common  weal,  and  phiy 
into  each  other's  hands  in  the  most  praiseworthy  manner. 
Everything  is  cold,  except  the  vegetables  and  game, 
which  latter  Mrs.  Brantinghame  would  have  insinuated 
came  from  her  own  manor,  were  she  not  afraid  that  the 
ever-watchful  Partridge,  who  brought  it  from  Sir 
Archy's.  would  contradict  laer.  Miss,  however,  did  the 
fine  by  desiring  Frederick  to  tell  her  maid  to  bring  her  a 
pocket-handkerchief;  and  Mrs.  muttered  something 
about  the  inconvenience  of  only  having  one  footman,  as 
Partridge  followed  Frederick  out  of  the  I'oom  for  a  bottle 
of  Allsopp,  in  which  he  hoped  to  get  Doleful  to  give  him 
a  reversionaiy  interest  by  having  it  opened.  In  fact,  the 
ladies  rather  overdid  the  thing,  as  i^re tenders  often  do 
when  they  want  to  cut  it  fat.  Doleful,  however,  was  too 
much  mixed  up  with  them  to  see  anything  of  the  sort, 
and  munched  and  eat,  and  munched  and  eat,  with  the 
greatest  apparent  satisfaction.  At  length,  after  a  hearty 
repast,  and  a  long  tete-a-tete  with  Miss  after  (the  affairs 
of  the  estate  requiring  Mamma's  attention  elsewhei'e), 
the  old  grinner  took  his  departure  ;  and  as  Mamma 
surveyed  the  wreck  of  luncheon,  above  all,  the  greatly 
diminished  Malmsey,  and  tiiought  of  the  blabbishness 
of  servants,  she  came  to  the  conclusion  that  the  sooner 
she  got  out  her  landing-net  the  better. 


C.il'TAIK    UOLEllTi'S    MOTHEK-IN-I.AW 


CHAPTER  LXXVII 

A  SLOW   COACH 

Captain  Doleful  was  so  extremely  well  satisfied  as  well 
with  the  fare  as  the  fair,  that  he  did  not  feel  at  all 
inclined  to  press  his  suit  to  a  termination,  which  he 
felt  he  could  do  at  any  moment  he  liked.  He  therefoi-e 
just  dropped  in  every  day  at  luncheon  time,  and  stayed 
till  the  shades  of  evening  began  to  draw  on,  when  he 
adjoui-ned  the  High  Coui-t  of  Hymen  until  the  next  day, 
instead  of  letting  the  clock  of  courtship  run  down,  and 
having  to  wind  it  up  again.  Thus  lie  went  on  for  above 
a  week,  much  to  the  edification  of  the  opposite  neigh- 
bours, who.  for  "  serious  people,"  were  moi-e  curious 
than  discreet. 

Mrs.  Brantinghame,  on  the  other  hand,  waxed  very 
impatient.  She  disliked  the  expense,  and  dreaded  the 
information  afforded  by  electric  telegraphs,  penny 
postage.  Bernard  Burkes,  and  busyl)odie8  generally. 
Pai-tridge,  too,  was  anytliing  but  tractalfle,  and  wanted 
to  have  everything  as  they  had  at  Sir  Archy's,  ])rigging 
included,  which  did  not  at  all  accord  with  Mrs.  Bran- 
tin  ghame's  ideas  of  housekeeping.  She  was  therefore 
all  for  pressing  her  daughter  on,  just  as  old  J.  pressed 
his  bounds  on  after  a  fox.  A  council  of  war  was  held 
every  evening  after  the  cajitain's  departure,  to  hear  as 
well  how  Miss  had  got  on  that  day,  as  to  arrange  pro- 
ceedings for  the  next.  Miss  always  reported  that  she 
saw  the  offer  was  cf>ming,  but  Mainnia  vei-y  wisely 
observed  that  "  Cliristmas  was  coining  too":  a  season 
tbat  conjurefl  m\,  all  sorts  of  (liHagreeal)le  a880<;iation8, — 
"  To  bill  deliven-il,"  "  Bill  to  deliver,"  "  Bill  if  not  paid 
on  or  Ixiforc,"  fi*-.,  &c.-  and  then  to  think  liow  ill  she 
was  providing  for  the  future,  by  the  exj)t;n»e  she  was 
then  incurring.  She  wished  the  thing  was  settled,  one 
way  or  <»t ber. 

Slie  gradually  lowered  the  stanilard  of  entei'tainment, 
and  instead  <>f  Dorking  fowls  and  roast  game,  she 
jobbed  a  joint  from  Saveloy's  Ijcef  ajul  sausage  shop  in 
Grudgingt<^m  Street,  which  was  weighed  in  and  weighed 


70R  HANDLEY   CROSS 

out,  to  stop  the  unreasonable  incursions  of  Partridfje. 
The  sherry,  and  Malmsey  Madeira  too,  were  replaced  by 
Mnrsala.  and  some  of  Walker  and  Walton's  Tent,  one- 
and-sixpence  a  bottle  (one-and-three,  if  the  bottle  was 
returned),  and  the  Allsopp  supply  was  cut  off  altogether. 
Still  the  old  Captain  plodded  on  at  his  own  pace ;  neither 
Mamma's  broad  hints,  nor  Miss's  variously  decorated 
charms  nor  wants  of  a  brother,  could  get  him  beyond 
kissing  her  hand.  This,  as  Mamma  said,  might  mean 
anything.  The  servants  began  to  see  through  the 
thing,  and  Partridge  no  longer  took  the  trouble  of 
appearing  at  tlie  door,  while  Frederick  gave  himself  up 
to  fancy  trousers  and  flnsh  ties,  instead  of  the  decorous 
apijarel  in  v.hich  be  had  at  first  appeared.  Mamma 
soon  waxed  dreadfully  nervous,  tbat  is  to  say,  desperately 
out  of  tempei*.  Every  time  she  saAv  Partridge's  broad 
back  looming  along  the  Crescent,  she  pictured  to  herself 
the  stories  he  would  be  propagatiug  at  the  Dun  Cow,  the 
Load  of  Hay,  the  Fox  and  Hounds,  or  whatever  house  he 
frequented,  and  she  fancied  she  saw  them  all  going 
to  the  Captain  bound  up  in  a  sheaf.  Still  she  was  too 
wise  to  attempt  to  bribe  the  job  butler  to  secrecy,  well 
knowing  that  the  course  of  servitude  is  to  keep  the  bi-ibe 
and  tell  the  secret. 

She  thought  the  Captain  desperately  slow.  Mr.  Cow- 
meadow  hung  off  a  long  time  with  Catherine  Christian 
Clementina  Constance,  and  Captain  Cushet  was  anything 
but  as  quick  as  he  might  have  been  with  Winifred 
Rebecca  Leonora  Lucretia,  but  then  they  had  other 
things  to  attend  to,  whereas  Captain  Doleful  had  really 
and  truly  nothing  whatever  to  do  or  to  think  of,  bi;t  to 
court  and  eat.  and  still  he  couldn't  be  bi-ought  to  book. 
It  was  very  provoking.  He  was  the  slowest  suitor  she 
had  ever  seen,  and  she  had  had  nearly  a  score  through 
her  hands,  to  say  nothing  of  her  own  exjjerience  in  that 
line.     Why  didn't  he  propose  P 


CHAPTER  LXXVIII 

THE   CAPTAIN   CATCHES   IT 

One  fine  moniinp.  as  our  hand-kissinpf  friend  came 
boppint;.  and  fjrinninfj,  and  boundiner  upstairs,  without 
giving  Frederick  the  trouble  of  announcing  him.  what 
should  he  find,  instead  of  dear  smiling'  Letitia  sitting-  at 
the  receipt  of  custom,  but  stiff  old  Mamma,  with  her 
fi'ont  well  down  over  her  care-worn,  wrinkled  brow,  and 
her  once  smiling  lips  compressed  into  a  very  firm, 
resolute-looking  mouth.  Doleful  started  at  the  sight. 
He  saw  there  was  mischief.    She  didn't  look  like  herself. 

"  Gocjtd  moniing,  my  dear  Captain,"  said  Mrs.  Branting- 
hame,  extending  her  two  forefingers  for  a  salute,  a  sort 
of  instalment  of  what  he  might  get  if  he  was  a  good 
boy;  "good  niomiug,  my  dear  Cai^tain.  Louisa  Letitia 
will  be  down  jnesently.  But  before  she  comes,"  added 
she  in  a  lower  tone.  '"  1  should  like  to  have  a  few  words 
with  you,"  motioning  the  taken-aback  Captain  to  a  seat 
on  the  sofa  by  her  side,  "  You  see,  my  dear  (hem)  Cap- 
tain," recommenced  she,  sol  to  voce,  as  soon  as  he  got 
settled;  "you  see,  my  dear  Captain,"  repeated  she,  with 
one  of  those  nasty  dry  coughs  with  which  old  women 
generally  preface  their  unpleasantness,  "  you  see.  my 
dear  (hem)  Captain,"  added  she  for  the  tliird  time. 
"  though  of  course  I'm  extremely  (hem)  happy  and 
(cough)  pleased  to  see  you  (hem)  here  whenever  you 
(cougli  — hem)  like  to  come,  yet  the  (hem)  world  is 
censorious,  and  when  a  (cough)  young  gentleman  comes 
so  olU'n  \a)  the  house  where  tliere  iw  a  (h<;m)  young  lady, 
ill-natured  jx.'ople  will  (cough)  talk,  and-  '  luue  she  had 
recourse  to  her  kerchief. 

Tiie  Captain  was  non-i)lus8ed,  for  he  had  not  calculated 
on  overhauling  time  coming  t^o  soon;  but,  with  the  com- 
fortable con.s(;i<jusneS8  of  liaving  the  wherewithal,  he 
80f»n  recf»vered  his  composure,  v«;ry  dilTerent  to  a  young 
genllf'maii  who  feels  that  overhauling  and  kicking-out 
time  will  be  all  one. 

Mrs.    Brant int,'hame    marked    his    countenance    with 


710  HANDLEY   CROSS 

satisfaction,  and  felt  encouraged  to  go  on ;  indeed,  she 
had  never  known  Sir  Archy's  information  fail,  thongh 
she  had  not  always  been  able  to  realize  it.  "  Of  course 
(hem),"  continued  she,  smoothing  out  the  coraer  of  lier 
kei'chief,  "  of  course  I  need  not  (hem)  say  that  my 
(hem)  daughter  is  very  much  (cough — hem)  flattered 
and  (cough)  gratified  by  the  (hem)  partiality  you  have 
(cough)  shown  her,  and  I'm  sure  (cough— hem — cough)," 
simpered  she,  "  I  have  every  reason  to  show  you  (cough) 
confidence  and  esteem,  as  well  on  my  brother  Sir 
Archy's  account  as  on  that  of  my  poor  dear  child,  but, 
considering  the  difficulty  (hem)  and  the  delicacy  (hem) 
of  my  (hem)  situation,  I  feel  assured  you  will  excuse  a 
mother's  (hem)  and  (hem)  " — the  old  lady  checking  her- 
self, in  the  hope  that  the  Captain  would  now  take  up  the 
running. 

In  this,  however,  she  was  disappointed ;  for  the  Cap- 
tain, having  taken  a  careful  survey  of  the  ceiling  during 
the  earlier  part  of  her  discourse,  and  seen  what  he  was 
almost  sure  was  a  spider's  web  in  the  cornice  above  the 
door,  now  took  to  studying  the  roses,  lilies,  and  con- 
volvuluses of  which  the  light-grounded  carpet  was  com- 
posed. 

In  the  course  of  his  flojicultural  pm*suit,  the  following 
ideas  came  to  his  assistance  : — 

First,  that  he  was  a  very  great  man. 

Secondly,  that  the  old  lady  was  in  too  great  a  hurry. 

Thirdly,  that  he  wouldn't  be  bullied. 

As  he  seemed  likely  to  increase  his  stock  of  ideas, 
Mrs.  Brantinghame  resumed  the  appeal,  ad  misericor- 
diam. 

"  People,"  whimpered  she,  pretending  to  brush  away  a 
rising  tear,  "  people  may  blame  (hem)  me  for  allowing 
my  (hem)  daughter's  (cough)  affections  to  be  (hem) 
engaged  before  the  (cough — hem — cough)  preliminaries 
are  all  arranged,  but  really,  my  dear  (cough — hem)  Cap- 
tain, I  have  been  placed  in  a  very  ti-ying  and  difficult 
situation,  and  my  great  regard  for  my  brother,  Sir 
Archy,  prompting  (hem)  me  to  show  you  every  (cough) 
attention,  without  p'r'aps  thinking  or  (cough — hem — 
cough)  considei'ing  the  great  (cough)  risk  and  (hem) 
danger  I  was  exposing  my  poor  dear  child  to."  Where- 
upon she  went  off  full  ciy,  burying  her  sobs  in  her 
kerchief. 

During  this  second  performance,  the  Captain's 
thoughts  had  time  to  take  another  turn,  and  they  served 
him  thus  :^ 


THE    CAPTAIN   CATCHES   IT  711 

First,  he  recollected  his  ignominious  expulsion  from 
Great  Coram  Street. 

Secondly,  he  thought  he  would  like  to  show  Belinda 
how  soon  he  could  suit  himself,  and  that,  too,  with  a 
great  heiress. 

Thirdly,  he  considered  that  the  not  having  a  brother 
was  always  as  good  as  a  thousand  pounds  to  a  girl,  as 
sooner  or  later  the  brother  would  be  sin-e  to  do  him  out 
of  that  sum. 

Fourthly,  that  the  old  lady  could  not  live  for  ever, 
and,  in  addition  to  a  very  ladylike  wife,  he  would  come 
in  for  no  end  of  property — plate  and  china. 

Accordingly,  by  the  time  Mrs.  Brantinghame  was  done 
heaving  and  sobbing,  the  Captain  was  gifted  witli  the 
following  powers  of  speech  : — 

"I'm  sure,  marm  (hem) — I'm  sure,  marm  (('(mgli)— 
I'm  sure,  marm  (sneeze) — "  now  looking  up  to  the  cornice 
for  the  spider's  web,  "  I  am  certainly— I  may  say  un- 
doubtedly— deeply — that  is  to  say  sincerely — sincerely, 
that  is  to  say  deeply— attached— to  your  very  elegant 
and  amiable,  that  is  to  say,  amiable  and  elegant 
daughter,  and,"  looking  at  his  rather  ragged  nails,_  "  I 
flatter  myself— that  is  to  say— I  have  reason  to  believe 
— thatyonr  lovely  and  beautiful— that  is  to  say  amiable 
— and  (cough)  accomplished  daughter  is  equally  attached 
to  me,"  now  looking  down  at  his  Molieres. 

"  That  I  liave  no  doubt  of,  my  dear  Captain,"  inter- 
rupted Mrs.  Brantinghame.  glad  to  have  got  that  admi.s- 
sion  from  himself;  "  that  1  have  no  doubt  of,  my  dear 
Captain,"  repeated  she.  "  If  I  had  not  been  satisfied  (m 
that  point,  I  should  not  have  thought  of  troubling  you 
to-day;  but,  standing  almost  alone  in  the  world,  and 
knowing  the  danger  of  allowing  Uieso  sort  of  (cough) 
intimacies  to  ripen  into  (lieiu)  i'rifMidsliipH,  witliout  a 
little  (hem)  understanding,  I  felt  it  my  duty  as  a  mother 
to  satisfy  myself  that  your  (coiigh)  feelings  are  re- 
ciprocal, so  that  my  (cough)  child's  (hem)  affections 
might  not  be  (Hnee/e)  sacrinced." 

The  Cajjtain  grinned  iwsent,  whereupon  a  game  at 
cross- purposes  ensued  between  Mamma  and  liiiiiscif, 
each  wanting  to  find  out  what  the  otlier  h;id  ;  but,  Mrs. 
Brantinghatue  having  determined  to  make  her  daughter 
Mrs.  Doleful  at  all  haziirds,  she  did  not  go  sf>  close  to 
th«  wind  as  sho  would  oth<-rwiH<!  have  <lone.  'JMicy  wei'o 
botli  in  a  gooil  dnil  of  ddit,  inul  .M.iiiiniii  wiis  deter- 
mined to  saddle  the  C;ijitain  witii  her  diiuglitor's  share. 

This  exciting  discussion  was  at  lengtli  interrupted  by 


712  HANDLEY  CROSS 

Fredei-ick  (who  had  been  listening  at  the  door  for  some 
time)  enterin,^  the  room,  to  announce  that  hmcheon  was 
ready,  whereupon  Mrs.  Branlinghame,  having  gathered 
herself  togetlier,  tendered  Dolefvil  her  hand,  saying 
emphatically,  as  she  eyed  his  slightly  flushed  face,  "  Then 
we  understand  each  other."  And  the  gallant  officer 
having  answered  "Yes,"  she  replied,  as  she  took  his  arm 
to  go  downstairs,  "  Then  you  shall  have  an  opportunity 
after  luncheon." 


CHA.PTER  LXXIX 

THE   CAPTAIN   IN   DISTRESS 

The  hmcbeon  that  day  was  rather  better  than  usual. 
In  addition  to  a  nice  piece  of  cold  sirloin  of  beef, 
Saveloy  sent  in  a  dish  of  hot  sausacfe-rolls,  and  some 
pork-pies,  on  "sale  or  return,"  as  the  booksellers  say, 
and  Martha  had  tried  ber  hand,  not  altogether  un- 
successfully, at  a  sweet  omelette.  The  decanters,  too, 
were  replenished,  though  we  are  sorry  to  add  that 
Partridge  was  so  exasperated  at  Mrs.  Bi-antinghame's 
meanness  in  locking  away  the  wine,  that  he  had  infused 
a  very  strong  dose  of  jalup  into  the  Tent.  He  had  just 
had  time  to  shake  it  well  up,  as  Captain  Doleful  and 
Mrs.  Brantingbame  descended. 

Ere  they  had  got  settled  in  their  seats.  Miss  entered 
the  room,  looking  the  veiy  essence  of  innocence,  though 
most  carefully  got  up,  and  rustling  in  a  new  drab  and 
pink  shot  watered  silK.  Doleful  was  up  on  the  instant 
to  receive  his  intended,  whose  smiling  features  had  just 
Ijeen  regulated  at  the  looking-glass.  Notwithstanding 
tlie  wigging  our  old  friend  bad  just  bad,  be  pHed  a 
pretty  good  knife  and  fork,  and  though  lie  tbougbt  the 
first  glass  of  Tent  tasted  rather  (pieer,  be  did  not 
hesitate  to  take  a  second,  in  which  Mrs.  Brantingliame 
joined  him.  So  they  beefed,  and  sausaged,  and  Tented, 
as  if  there  was  nothing  jiarticularly  astir. 

Mrs.  Urantingliariio,  liowever,  retired  earlier  than 
usuab  giving  a  signifi('ant  liem  and  Icjok  at  lier  daugliter, 
and  n<j  hudui'V  did  the  d(jorcb)se  than  Doliful,  in.stead 
of  finding  himself  in  the  deliglilful  elybium  young 
gentlemen  anticipate  on  such  occiisions,  l)egan  to  exiteri- 
ence  all  sorts  of  i^ueer  (pialms  and  disagreeable  sensa- 
tions. Miss,  who  was  under  orders  to  biing  tlie  alT;iir 
t()  a  termination,  one  way  or  the  otiif-r,  seeing  bis  pertiii'- 
bation,  thought  to  ansist  bis  courage  l>y  Marsala,  wliidi 
proving  more  like  liquid  liro  than  wine,  he  again  had 
recourse  to  the  jalajjcil  Tent.  He  still  thought  it  (jueer, 
and  sipjted  and  tasted,  and  turned  it  over  on  bis  palate, 
wondering  if  it  could  be  the  sweet  omelette  that  made 
it  taste  so. 


711  HANDLEY   CROSS 

Miss,  knowing  Mamma's  sanguine  temperament,  and 
that  she  would  not  rest  long,  now  that  she  was  fairly- 
raised,  tried  to  get  him  into  conversation  as  soon  as  she 
could.  She  first  broached  that  convenient  autumnal 
subject,  the  covirt-martial  on  Lieutenant  Perry,  and 
censui'ed  the  naughty  officers  who  tried  him.  Doleful, 
who  was  still  lost  in  meditation  on  the  wine,  merely 
replied  between  sips,  that  soldiers  generally  made  as 
great  a  mess  when  they  played  at  lawyers,  as  lawyers 
would  if  they  played  at  soldiers.  He  then  sip,  sij), 
sipped,  till  he  finished  the  glass,  and  set  it  down, 
thoroughly  satisfied  there  was  something  wrong  about  it. 
He  wondered  where  they  had  got  it.  Miss  noted  his 
abstraction,  and  also  her  Mamma's  hurried  footsteps 
pacing  overhead.  She  tried  to  get  him  into  the  wavlike 
line — the  Crimea — then  into  the  Baltic — to  Helsingfors, 
Bomarsund,  Revel,  saying  she  thought  it  was  almost 
better  to  be  as  she  was,  without  a  brother,  than  have  him 
exposed  to  such  terrible  dangers.  This  observation, 
with  the  falling  of  a  worsted-work  weight  above,  drew 
Doleful's  attention  from  certain  inward  qualms  he  was 
feeling,  to  the  subject  on  which  Mamma  had  been 
sounding  him.  It  was  a  great  nuisance  the  old  woman 
being  so  pressing.  What  could  make  her  change  her 
tactics  so  suddenly  ?  She,  who  had  been  all  ease  and 
confidence  before.  Could  another  suitor  have  turned 
lip  P  Oh,  dear !  what  a  twinge  that  was — wish  he 
mightn't  have  got  the  cholera.  And  he  incontinently 
took  another  pull  at  the  Tent.  It  was  decidedly  nasty  ; 
and  he  set  his  glass  down,  determined  to  be  done  with  it. 
He  would  give  his  ears  for  a  little  brandy. — There  again! 
— Wished  he  was  at  home. — Believed  he  would  have  to 
take  a  cab. — Would  cost  him  a  shilling. — Could  have 
dined  at  home  for  ninepence. 

Miss,  little  thinking  what  was  going  on  internally,  but 
dreading  her  Mamma's  impetuosity,  who,  not  over  com- 
fortable herself,  was  fretting  and  fidgetting  about  in  the 
drawing-room,  counting  tlie  minutes  as  hours,  venting 
her  spleen  on  Doleful  and  all  dilatory  sweethearters,  and 
wondering  how  much  he  had  cost  her  in  the  way  of 
victuals  and  drink — Miss,  we  say,  little  thinking  of  what 
Doleful  was  suffering,  and  anxious  to  give  him  a  lift, 
tried  him  personally,  by  asking  what  he  thought  of  her 
new  dress,  getting  up  to  show  it,  and  just  as  he  was 
paying  the  old  compliment  to  her  fair  hand,  after  admir- 
ing the  dress.  Mamma,  who  had  stolen  noiselessly  into 
the  room,  exclaimed,  "  Well,  I'm  glad  you've  got  it  all 


THE   CAPTAIN   IN   DISTRESS  716 

settled.  I'm  p:lad  you've  Rot  it  all  settled,*'  seizinpr 
Dolefurs  hand  as  it  dropped  from  her  daupfhter's  ;  "  for 
really  I  was  getting  very  nervous  and  uncomfortable. 
And,  oh,  my  dear  child  I "  continued  she,  Erivinff  her  a 
strong'  hug,  ''I  hope  you'll  be  happy!''  adding,  as  she 
turned  again  to  the  now  teeth-grinding  Captain,  "I'm 
sure  if  she's  not,  it  will  be  her  own  fault,  for  I  never 
saw  a  sweeter  disposition  than  yours.  And  now,"  in- 
quired she.  in  the  same  breath,  "  will  you  take  any  moi'e 
luncheon  ?  "  pointing  to  the  still  well-stored  table,  and 
thinking  the  servants  would  be  wanting  their  dinners. 

Doleful  declined  any  more  hmcheon. 

"  Or  wine  ?  "  asked  she. 

Doleful  would  have  no  more  of  that  either. 

"  Then  let  us  go  upstairs,  and  communicate  the  joyful 
intelligence  to  your  sisters  by  this  post,"  continued  Mrs. 
Brantinghame. 

"Sisters!"  exclaimed  Doleful,  sickening,  "I  thought 
you  were  an  only  child  !  " 

"Only  child  I  have  left,"  replied  Mrs.  Brantinghame, 
with  the  utmost  effrontery. 

"  Only  child  you  have  left,"  gasped  Doleful. 

"  Yes,  only  child  I  have  left,"  continued  Mrs.  Brant- 
inghame, volubly.  "  Only  child  I  have  left ;  but  we  have 
a  charming  family  circle  to  introduce  you  to,  and  shall 
have  more  as  soon  as  ever  this  weary  war  is  over." 

"War!  "  ejaculated  Doleful,  turning  livid. 

"  Yes ;  my  sons  are  with  their  regiments  in  Tuj'key, 
but—" 

"  Why,  I  thought  you  wanted  a  brotlier !  "  interrupted 
Doleful,  appealing  inii)loringly  to  Miss. 

"So  I  do,"  re])li«'d  MIkk,  calmly.  "So  I  do.  These 
are  only  lialf-brothers.  as  Maiiiuia  will  tell  you,  and  a 
half-brother  is  never  like  a  whole  one,  you  know." 

"Yes,  their  name  is  Houf-yball,"  exjuained  Mrs. 
Brantinghame,  accepting  her  daughter's  invitaticm ; 
"  my  first  linHbaud's  name  was  Hcmeyball.  P'r'ajis  you 
may  have  lieard  of  him.  My  pldest  son,  Archibald, 
called  after  my  dear  brother,  Sir  Archy.  is  in  (he  Hot 
and  ffcavy  FfuHHars.  and  my  n'-cond  srni,  Humijlircy,  is 
in  the  Royal  WcHt  Highland  J'racticai  Jokers." 

Doloful  thougiit  )ie  saw  their  nasty  naked  swords 
gleaming  l)f'f()re  him.  and  was  fairly  overcome.  Rush- 
ing out  of  the  room,  lie  seized  his  ha(  and  left  the  liouse, 
running  f»ut  of  Acaeiii  Ci-cRcent.  uji  the  buck  lane, 
thrf>ngh  Short's  (ianlens,  and  MilUnglon  Strei't,  like  a 
man  possosHed,  and  took  to  his  bed  like  a  dormonse. 


CHAPTER  LXXX 


WHO-HOOP 


HE  sequel  is  soon  told. 
Three  days  after,  Sir  Archi- 
bald Depecarde's  travelling 
chariot,  drawn  by  four 
smoking  posters,  was  seen 
rolling,  hurriedly,  into 
Handley  Cross,  with  the 
pinion-folded  Paj-tridge  lol- 
ling consequentially  in  the 
rumble,  and  to  draw  up 
with  a  dash  at  Captain 
Doleful's  door.  What  took 
place  between  them,  of 
course,  we  ai'e  unable  to 
state,  but  an  adjoui-nraent 
was  presently  moved  to 
Acacia  Crescent;  and  al- 
most immediately  after, 
bales  of  haberdashery,  and 
piles  of  cap  and  bonnet- 
boxes  began  to  arrive,  and 
Marl  ha  had  a  busy  time  of 
it,  taking  in  and  letting  out 
the  counter-skippers,  and  genteel  young  people  bringing 
them.  In  due  time,  white  favours  flourished  through, 
the  town.  Sir  Archibald  Depecarde  giving  away  tbe 
lovely  bride. 

Concerned,  however,  we  are  to  add,  that  just  as  Mrs. 
Brantinghame  and  Martha  were  clearing  out  of  the 
Crescent  for  Bath,  Mrs.  Doleful  cast  up  at  her  mother's, 
looking  so  wretched  and  haggard,  that  no  census-taker 
would  have  booked  her  at  fifty.  She  declared  she  could 
not  live  with  that  "  'orrid  man  "  another  day,  though 
for  what  cause,  we,  as  Sir  Thomas  Trout  would  say,  are 


WHO-HOOP  !  717 

not  at  liberty  to  mentiou.  Mamma  tried  Jorrocks's 
famous  horse  receipt  upon  her,  advised  her  to  be  to  his 
faults  a  little  blind,  and  to  his  virtues  ever  kind  ;  but 
Mrs.  Doleful  declared  she  would  rather  do  anything 
than  return  to  him,  and  thought,  with  bitter  anguish, 
of  Peter  Bullock  and  Captain  Capers,  and  the  other 
gentlemen  she  had  jilted. 

On  that  very  day,  James  Pigg  was  seen  turning  out  of 
the  Marquis  of  Cornwallis's  bottle  department  into 
Great  Coram  Street,  with  a  huge  tobacco-stained  favour 
under  his  nose,  holloaing  out,  as  he  got  staggered  into 
the  middle  of  the  street,  "  Keep  the  tambourine  a 
rowlin' !  Whativer  ye  de,  keep  the  tambourine  a 
rovlin!"  Then  having  got  himself  steadied,  he  went 
lurching  along,  holloaing  out,  "  B-r-r-a-andy  and  baccy 
'ill  gar  a  man  live  for  iver!  Sink  ar  say  b-r-r-a-andy 
and  baccy  'ill  gar  a  man  live  for  iver ! "  So  he  pro- 
ceeded down  Great  Coram  Street,  tendering  his  nief  to 
everybody  he  met,  declaring  he'd  been  the  death  of  a 
guinea,  and  would  be  the  death  of  another  when  young 
Stobbs  was  born,  until  losing  his  head  in  the  open,  he 
finally  siiVjsided  under  the  pump  in  Brunswick  Square. 
Then,  just  as  the  little  boys  were  preparing  to  sluice 
him,  the  tall  lobster  merchant  with  tlie  big  calves,  who 
was  going  his  evening  rounds  of  "  Buy  Lob-.s/c'/'-;"-/'  .' 
fine  IjOB-nfer-r-r  .'"  came  to  the  rescue,  and  restored  him 
unlnirt  to  Great  Coram  Street,  where  the  lobster  mer- 
cliant  was  speedily  made  as  drunk  as  his  friend. 

On  that  very  day,  too,  our  elegant  Bloomer  having 
captured  the  C(^nqueror,  and  found  out  what  day 
Belinda  was  to  be  married,  entered  into  the  happy  state 
alHo,  as  a])pear3  by  the  following  paragraijh  extracted 
from  11).-  -Paul  Pry"  :  "  On  the  29th  ult.,  at  St.  Mary's 
Church,  by  tlie  Rev.  Simon  Pure,  assisted  by  the  Rev. 
Arthur  Lovejoy,  William  Hevelaud,  Esq.,  A.D.C..  to 
Constantia.  youngest  surviving  daiigliter  of  the  late 
Micliael  Mendlove,  of  Handlcy  Cross  Spa.  Tlie  lovely 
brifle,  wliM  wa.s  dressed  as  a  Bloomer,  was  attended  by 
six  beautil'ul  bridesmaidH  similarly  attired." 

Tlie  Conqueror  very  liandHoniely  settled  himself,  not 
(|uite  so  good  an  investiiKjnt  as  Charley  Stobbs  made 
with  pretty  Belinda,  Mr.  Jorrocks  having  come  down 
with  what  old  AHhh  Preezer  descriljed  as  "something 
v-a-a-rt/  handsonie,"  and  promised  them  a  thousand 
evei-y  time  she  has  twins.  They  were  now  down  at  old 
Sto)»l)8'H  place  in  Yorkrihire,  but  piirjios*!  lieing  back  at 
Handl(!y  Cross  by  the  hunting  season.     They  are  uocoui- 


718 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


paiiied  by  that  eminent  sportsman  Ben,  who  has  been 
fflad  to  retire  from  the  asfonies  of  Inmting  and  subside 
into  a  buttoney-boy  for  Belinda.  This  metamorphosis 
was  somewhat  accelerated  by  the  following  contre- 
temps. 

Pigg  having  gone  out  in  the  gray  dawn  of  mora  to 

meet  his  friend  Whiskey  Tim  and  recruit  his  stock  of 

mountain  dew,  saw  Joe  Haddock  and  Ben  having  a  trial 

speed  with  two  of  their  horses  along  the  south  turn- 


BKNJAMIN    AND    HIS    FKIKND    KXKECISING    MR.    JOBBOCKS'S   HUNTEBS 


pike,  and  not  all  Pigg's  frantic  yells  and  gestures, 
though  he  knocked  his  hat  crown  out  in  the  effort,  could 
overj>ower  the  clatter  they  made  on  the  road.  Pigg 
therefore  made  the  best  of  his  way  home,  and  providing 
himself  with  a  cutting  whip,  surprised  Ben  in  the 
l)arlour  in  the  act  of  refreshing  himself  with  some  of 
Mr.  Jorrocks's  marmalade,  which  he  was  scooping  out 
of  the  pot  with  his  thumb.  Taking  him  as  he  would  a 
hound  by  the  ear,  Pigg  pitched  into  him,  exclaiming  at 
the  tojj  of  his  voice, — 


■WHO-HOOP  !  719 

"  Ar'll  teach  ye  te  gallop  mar  h'ussus,  it  will  'e  (whack) 
—it  will  'e  (crack)— it  will  'e  (smack)." 

Squeak,  squeal,  writhe,  wrigrgle,  roar,  went  Ben, 
throwing  himself  on  to  the  floor. 

"  Ar'll  teach  ye  te  steal  t'ard  maister's  marmelade," 
continued  Pigg.  now  taking  Ben  by  the  cuff  of  the  neck ; 
"  ar'll  teach  ye  te  steal  t'ard  maister's  marmelade,  it  will 
'e  (crack),  it  will  'e  (smack),  it  will  'e  (whack)." 

Writhe,  roar,  wriggle,  murder!  shrieked  Ben. 

"Aye,  morder  aye."  repeated  Pigg,  turning  hiai^  deli- 
berately over  and  taking  him  by  the  other  ear.  "  Aye. 
morder  aye.  ar'l  morder  ye,  ye  bit  brazen  bowdekite,  whe 
d'ye  think  'ill  stand  sic  wark  as  this"  (whack,  crack — 
whack,  crack— whack,  crack),  and  altogether  Pigg  gave 
him  such  an  elaborate  licking  as  perfectly  disgusted 
Ben  with  whips  and  everything  belonging  to  the 
chase. 

Mr.  Jorrocks  therefore  being  without  a  whip,  and  in 
order  as  he  says  that  they  may  all  break  their  eggs  at  the 
same  end,  has  allowed  Pigg  to  choose  his  own.  who, 
kenning  as  he  says,  "Jist  sic  another  chap  as  hissel, 
what  used  to  whop  in  the  Tynedale."  he  has  written  to 
engage  him,  character  being  no  object  with  Pigg.  and 
Mr.  Jorrocks  and  Pigg  have  entered  into  a  couipact  that 
master  and  man  aie  not  both  to  get  drunk  on  the  same  day. 

Moref>ver.  Mr.  .Jorrocks  has  offered  to  increase  Pigg's 
wages  if  he  will'make  Bat  say — who,  we  are  sorry  to  say, 
has  had  to  get  her  stays  let  out  again— an  honest  woman. 

And  now  for  our  jolly  old  master  himself.  He  says 
their  people  have  "Waved  so  un'andsomo  in  tryin'  to 
shop  liim."  that  lie's  determined  to  give  a  loose  to  plea- 
sure the  rest  of  his  life,  and  is  getting  hounds  together 
for  foui-  days  a  week — throe  and  a  bye  at  least,  which 
latter  ho  means  to  h.ive  in  I'iuch-me-near  Forest.  This 
is  to  1)6  permanently  udded  to  his  country,  and  the  Right 
Honourable  the  Lords  CommiKsioners  of  her  Majesty's 
Treasury  having  very  ]MOf)erly  dismissed  the  Honoiiraljle 
the  CoinmiKhioiH-r  in  chai-go  of  hoi-  Majost y's  Woods  and 
Forests,  t(jgothfr  with  his  Scoti'h  sylvan  oraclo,  Mr. 
I'rettyfat  is  again  jnetty  comf(Mtable  and  able  to  turn 
his  attention  to  liis  poultry,  of  which  he  has  appointed 
Mr.  Jorrrtoks  grand  i)rotoctor.  Pigg  and  he  are  to  have 
tlieii'  broakfasts  and  a  glass  of  brandy  a-piece  every  time 
the  honnds  moot  thoro. 

Mr.  .lorrocksH  country  in  full  of  foxos.  many  of  which 
he  hopes  to  uiake  cry  "  Capevi,"  and  as  th'-  Ordnance 


720 


HANDLEY   CROSS 


hedisre-hasliers  have  made  buntiu<?  comparatively  easy 
where  they  have  carried  on  their  operations,  he  antici- 
pates hein^  able  to  scramble  about  in  tolerable  safety. 
He  has  begun  greening  his  breeches  knees  among  the 
hazel  bushes,  cub  hunting,  and  arranged  his  meets  for 
the  first  week  in  November,  of  which  he  has  kindly  sent 
us  the  following  card : — 


MR.  JORROCKS'S  FOX-HOUNDS 
MEET 

'^'fiPencuiy,  lA^ov.  ff/A,  a/  c/15atia!cey  0roj<!, 
%yueJc/(ty,  n/ 

KyA<*fa»ey,  a/. 1  _ 

d^r-e'c^y,    ,y\  ov.     ■fO/A,     a/    c^mcA-iiis-ncay 

^a/uycUty,  ^ov.  -f//^,  »/  //le  ^cj/  ane/ ^<: 

i 

E.\CH  PAY  AT  HALF-PAST  TEN  O'CLOCK. 


GILEKItT   ASD   BlVIIf  iTON,    LTD.,   ST.    JOHN'S   HOUSE,    CLEEKENV,  EM.,    E.C. 


lllilNlliVJSKi'^f^'^'^'^'-  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


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